getting to the root of difficult behaviors
DESCRIPTION
Talk for Wheelock College's Alumni Symposium March 2014. Talking about relationships, social media, and how to deal with difficult behaviors- from kids, partners, etc.TRANSCRIPT
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GETTING TO THE ROOT OF DIFFICULT BEHAVIORSGETTING TO THE ROOT OF DIFFICULT BEHAVIORS
William Sharp, PsyaDWilliam Sharp, PsyaD
Wheelock College Alumni Wheelock College Alumni Symposium Symposium
March 22March 22ndnd 1-3pm 1-3pm
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@DRWILLIAMSHARP
#WheelockSymposium
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K-W-L CHART:
Know Want to know
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GOALS
1)List your personal goals in building healthy relations
2)Understand how to figure out what typical behaviors can mean
3)Apply guidelines for effective interactions with people
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WHAT IS THE STATE OF RELATIONSHIPS THESES DAYS?
Is it technology leaving us “Alone Together” (Turkle)
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IS IT FUNNY – OR TOO TRUE?
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WHAT ARE WE LEARNING ABOUT CONNECTING?
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IS AGE-APPROPRIATE EGOCENTRISM REMAINING AS A NARCISSISTIC TRAIT?
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Could technology interfere with the progression or regress us?
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TODAY’S TEENS?
“Today’s Teens: More Materialistic, Less Willing To Work”
Study compared attitudes of three generations of American HS seniors (1976-2007).
2005 – More money with less work!62% lots of money is important (vs 48% from 1976-78).
25% said work was important (vs 39% in 70s).
“This type of ‘fantasy gap’ is consistent with other studies showing a generational increase in narcissistism and entitlement.”
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A RISE IN NARCISSISM?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is 3x’s as high for people in their 20s as for the generation currently 65 or older.
58% of college students scored higher on narcissism scale in 2008 than in 1982
40% of “millenials” believe they should be promoted every two years, regardless of performance.
Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.
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A RISE IN NARCISSISM?
Of Millenials (b1980-2000) … “Their development is stunted: more people ages 18-29 live with their parents than with a spouse… and they are lazy. In 1992, the nonprofit Families and Work Institute reported that 80% of people under 23 wanted to one day have a job with greater responsibility; 10 years later, on 60% did.”
Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.
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THE SIGNIFICANCE OF ZOMBIES?
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IS THERE HOPE?
EXHUME
Stay Together. Keep safe.
Stay together. We are changing everything.
APRIL 11th
Boston Graduate School of Psychoanalysis
7-9pm
#WarmBodies
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A PATIENT TOLD ME ABOUT A NEW GAME…
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WHY TALK ABOUT BELONGING? MASLOW’S PYRAMID & SELF ESTEEM
Love and Belonging come BEFORE Self-
Esteem, not after it.
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S0 WHAT ARE YOUR PERSONAL GOALS IN RELATIONSHIPS? WHY CONNECT?
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Working with Difficult Behaviors: Starts with you…
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THE THING YOU HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULTY BEING, IS GOING TO BE THE THING THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON NEEDS.
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ALL BEHAVIOR IS AN ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE SOMETHING.
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SELF CARE: KIDS ADJUST WHEN YOU DO.
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THE LION WON’T EAT ME- I AM A VEGETARIAN:
Why love is not always the answer.
Remember, the more regressed, the more likely it comes down to fight or flight.
What keeps you out of your critter brain?
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THE HATE THAT CURES
What is meant by an toxic overdose of love?
The importance of structure in frustrating mind
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WE BELIEVE WE ARE THINKING CREATURES WHO FEEL, BUT WE ARE FEELING CREATURES WHO THINK.
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SOLUTIONS
Maintain boundariesYou can be friendly, but you cant be
their friend
Avoid attacks on weak egos (avoid the use of you in favor of I)
TALK TALK TALK.. .use your thoughts and feelings to show words have a power
without a side effect.
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SOLUTIONS (CONT)
Utilize strengthsFind creative ways to be with them
Try new things to see resultsGet consultations and help Refer out for special needs
Mind-body breaksBreath
Count to 125Be…
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HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND IF YOUR TEACHER SAID… “YOU KIDS BETTER SHAPE UP, I AM IN NO MOOD TO FOOL AROUND TODAY.” “Oh, I better behave, she means business today.”
“Oh, what have I been doing wrong so far, am I fooling around now? Maybe I had better stay perfectly still.” (Freeze or Flight into themselves)
“Oh, she wants a fight… I can give her a fight.”
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IF ONLY THIS WORK HAD WARNING SIGNS…
UNIVERSAL PRECAUTIONS FOR
WORKING WITH KIDS
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TRANSFERENCES
You are not who you think you are… there are ghosts, baggage, and blue prints from other relations and attachments.
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COUNTER TRANSFERENCES
You have feelings about them that are not necessarily about them…
They may be displaced from other places.
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RESISTANCES
Remember to be aware of anything that might block talking in new a progressive ways.
Habits are hard to break- even unhealthy ones- do you have one?
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WHY DO THIS WORK?
Only work that promotes growth and ego development
in both patient [or student] and therapist
[teacher/parent] is worth what [it] costs both to
do. - Margaret Little
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JUST ANOTHER ZANY IDEA FROM WILLIAM …READ TO KIDS… FAIRY TALES AND FANTASY
If internal pressure is too much, it has to get out of the child.
If a child is told only “real” stories – he may fail to get pleasure from unconscious fantasy and either avoid all inner life or totally engage in his head- Bettelheim, p66 The Uses of Enchantment
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BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONS
Maturity: It may have to start with you… they don’t have the skills, modeling, etc.
You are the only thing you have control over.
Remember- people come to us with solutions, not problems- they have evolved their ways of dealing. We can only offer them other (better?) solutions to getting what they want.
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GREENSPAN WRITES (1998)
The ability to deal with group dynamics help children to develop cognitive and social skills valuable in school and beyond.
They learn that most life operates in shades of grey,
not all or nothing extremes.
(pg 25, The Challenging Child)
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SKILL DEVELOPMENT
Ability to look, listen, be calmRelate (to feel closeness)Make Mind/Apply Emotional Breaks- learning to use words; “I am angry” as opposed to hitting or withdrawing.
Understanding and using non-verbal cues.
Use your own strength’s here… Work on your weaknesses!
PRACTICE AT THE DINNER TABLE! Yes, make them eat with you!)
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EXPLORATION WITH THE CHILD
Listening does not mean agreeing! Object oriented questions
Avoid YOU, use I or talk to the universe Share your adult ego with those who are thin skinned.
Ask what you are supposed to do when…Read up on Active Listening…
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HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH APATHY?
Much of what we said really applies to apathy.
DECIDE on your atmosphere and tenor TALK about it with peers and then the kids
ADDRESS apathy.
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REMEMBER: PREVENTION STRATEGIES
Talk vs Action! Identify triggers (what’s hardest for you is the most needed in toughest situations- our lesson from the Runaway Bunny)
Decreasing tension- containment and holding- aggression for destruction OR construction.
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PREVENTION CONTINUED
Appropriate language – where they are at, one step behind, or one step ahead
Respect- Modeled and enacted Repetition, Repetition, Repetition
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GOALS OF ENGAGEMENT
Join their perceptions to get a better understanding of the communication.
Remember, you are in charge and just because you are listening to them doesn’t mean you agree with them.
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HOW DO I USE ANGER? (*MINE AND THEIRS)
Training, Supervision, Therapy
Meet them where they are.
Be the mature adult.
Never work harder than them!
Optimal Frustration is the key to change.
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CONNECT IN AN AGE OF DISCONNECTION!
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@DRWILLIAMSHARP
#WheelockSymposium
#WarmBodies
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RESOURCES
Interested in taking a Myer-Briggs type test:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Good books: Reaching the Unreachable Child, Shelia Zaretsky
Emotional Muscle, John and Kerry Novick (ages 0-5, but it applies! )
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RESOURCES CONTINUEDGOOD BOOKS ON ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT
Highly recommend:Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.
How talk so your teen will listen. Good as well: I’d listen to my parents if they’d just shut up.
When we are in public, pretend you don’t know me.
Trust me mom, everyone is is goingYes, Your Teen is Crazy I’m not mad, I just hate you.
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THEORETICAL BUT GOOD
Modern Psychoanalysis in the Schools, William Kirman
Resolving Resistances, Leslie Rosenthal
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SOMETHING I LIKE TO REVIEW NOW AND THEN ABOUT THE LD CHILD.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4f4rX0XEBA&feature=related Have you ever told someone to look at something harder? How about bribing them instead of intervening to help? How about threatening them when the bribe didn’t work? Have you ever blamed the victim (“you are not trying”/motivated)?
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2 OF 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01tGtFQ0Ivs&feature=related If you were learning disabled, do you see how you might avoid taking risks? Do you see how lack of reinforcement for the right answer and punishment for the wrong answer can lead you to not wanting to respond to surprises in class?
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3 OF 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G9--hUQDwY Fair and Equal? Have you ever used the “its not fair to others” argument to not help someone who needed something?
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DR WILLIAM SHARP
Psychoanalyst 617 216 3871 [email protected] One Harvard St., Brookline MA 02445 @DrWilliamSharp for Twitter Takeaways
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PRESCRIPTION PAD
Parent: _______________
Authorized to: __ join with a resistance instead of fight it
__ try something new when all regular methods have failed.
__ get angry and be human as needed
Prescribing therapist:_____________________
William Sharp, PsyaD