getting help for problems in marriage...“there is no problem too great to overcome in marriage if...

Getting Getting HelpHelp For For Problems In Problems In MarriageMarriage

1

MarriageMarriage

Spiritual Sword April 2010 article written by Glenn Colley

2Introduction

•• Marriage is to Marriage is to sacred sacred to to throw away when problems throw away when problems arisearise

•• Marriage is to Marriage is to sacred sacred to to throw away when problems throw away when problems arisearisearisearise•• Life is too short for your Life is too short for your marriage to be marriage to be miserablemiserable

arisearise•• Life is too short for your Life is too short for your marriage to be marriage to be miserablemiserable

3Four Stages To Marital

Breakdown

•• 1. Criticism 1. Criticism = habitually = habitually finding fault finding fault

•• 1. Criticism 1. Criticism = habitually = habitually finding fault finding fault

•• “You “You always”always”•• “You never”“You never”

•• “You “You always”always”•• “You never”“You never”finding fault finding fault

or judging or judging unfavorablyunfavorably

finding fault finding fault or judging or judging unfavorablyunfavorably

•• “You never”“You never”•• “You’re the “You’re the type of type of person person who…”who…”



Breakdown

•• 2. Contempt = 2. Contempt = a feeling of a feeling of scorn scorn –– attacking your attacking your spouses sense of worthspouses sense of worth——

•• 2. Contempt = 2. Contempt = a feeling of a feeling of scorn scorn –– attacking your attacking your spouses sense of worthspouses sense of worth——spouses sense of worthspouses sense of worth——insulting or insulting or psychologically abusivepsychologically abusive

spouses sense of worthspouses sense of worth——insulting or insulting or psychologically abusivepsychologically abusive


Breakdown

•• InsultsInsults•• Name callingName calling•• InsultsInsults•• Name callingName calling

•• Tone of Tone of voicevoice•• Body Body

•• Tone of Tone of voicevoice•• Body Body •• SarcasmSarcasm

•• MockingMocking•• SarcasmSarcasm•• MockingMocking

•• Body Body languagelanguage•• Rolling of Rolling of eyeseyes



Breakdown

•• 3. Defensiveness3. Defensiveness = seeing = seeing yourself as a victim and yourself as a victim and defending against what you defending against what you

•• 3. Defensiveness3. Defensiveness = seeing = seeing yourself as a victim and yourself as a victim and defending against what you defending against what you defending against what you defending against what you feel is an attackfeel is an attackdefending against what you defending against what you feel is an attackfeel is an attack


Breakdown

•• Making Making excusesexcuses

•• CrossCross--


•• CrossCross--

•• Yes Yes ––buttingbutting•• Repeating Repeating yourself without yourself without

•• Yes Yes ––buttingbutting•• Repeating Repeating yourself without yourself without •• CrossCross--

complainingcomplaining•• Disagree then Disagree then crosscross--complaincomplain

•• CrossCross--complainingcomplaining

•• Disagree then Disagree then crosscross--complaincomplain

yourself without yourself without hearing what hearing what the other the other person is person is sayingsaying

•• whiningwhining




Breakdown

•• 4. Stonewalling4. Stonewalling = = withdrawing from the withdrawing from the relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid

•• 4. Stonewalling4. Stonewalling = = withdrawing from the withdrawing from the relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid conflictconflict•• Trying to be “neutral”Trying to be “neutral”

relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid conflictconflict•• Trying to be “neutral”Trying to be “neutral”


Breakdown

•• It gives the ideas of It gives the ideas of disapproval, distancing disapproval, distancing oneself, separation, oneself, separation,

•• It gives the ideas of It gives the ideas of disapproval, distancing disapproval, distancing oneself, separation, oneself, separation, oneself, separation, oneself, separation, smugnesssmugness•• This is considered to be the This is considered to be the most dangerous stage!most dangerous stage!

oneself, separation, oneself, separation, smugnesssmugness•• This is considered to be the This is considered to be the most dangerous stage!most dangerous stage!

10Problems And Maturity

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 1.1. ChronologicalChronological (# of (# of birthdays)birthdays)

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 1.1. ChronologicalChronological (# of (# of birthdays)birthdays)birthdays)birthdays)•• 2. 2. PhysicalPhysical (how well one is (how well one is preserved)preserved)

birthdays)birthdays)•• 2. 2. PhysicalPhysical (how well one is (how well one is preserved)preserved)


•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 3. 3. MentalMental (wisdom and (wisdom and knowledge)knowledge)

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 3. 3. MentalMental (wisdom and (wisdom and knowledge)knowledge)knowledge)knowledge)•• 4. 4. EmotionalEmotional (how one acts (how one acts and reacts)and reacts)

knowledge)knowledge)•• 4. 4. EmotionalEmotional (how one acts (how one acts and reacts)and reacts)


•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 5. 5. SpiritualSpiritual (one’s (one’s relationship with God)relationship with God)

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 5. 5. SpiritualSpiritual (one’s (one’s relationship with God)relationship with God)relationship with God)relationship with God)•• In the last three we should In the last three we should seek to be spiritually matureseek to be spiritually mature•• Mental Mental –– Emotional Emotional --SpiritualSpiritual

relationship with God)relationship with God)•• In the last three we should In the last three we should seek to be spiritually matureseek to be spiritually mature•• Mental Mental –– Emotional Emotional --SpiritualSpiritual

13Sources Of Help

•• Good booksGood books•• Marriage seminarsMarriage seminars•• Your doctorYour doctor

•• Good booksGood books•• Marriage seminarsMarriage seminars•• Your doctorYour doctor•• Your doctorYour doctor•• Other ChristiansOther Christians•• Wise counselors whose advice Wise counselors whose advice is based upon the word of Godis based upon the word of God

•• Your doctorYour doctor•• Other ChristiansOther Christians•• Wise counselors whose advice Wise counselors whose advice is based upon the word of Godis based upon the word of God

14Foundation For A Strong

Family

•• 1. United in Christ1. United in Christ•• Ideal situation for both to be Ideal situation for both to be ChristiansChristians

•• 1. United in Christ1. United in Christ•• Ideal situation for both to be Ideal situation for both to be ChristiansChristiansChristiansChristians•• A scriptural marriageA scriptural marriage•• 1 Cor. 7:121 Cor. 7:12--1414

ChristiansChristians•• A scriptural marriageA scriptural marriage•• 1 Cor. 7:121 Cor. 7:12--1414


Family

•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Husband and wife must be Husband and wife must be committed to the marriagecommitted to the marriage

•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Husband and wife must be Husband and wife must be committed to the marriagecommitted to the marriagecommitted to the marriagecommitted to the marriage•• Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to adhere to or to be glued toadhere to or to be glued to

committed to the marriagecommitted to the marriage•• Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to adhere to or to be glued toadhere to or to be glued to


Family

•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Glue = commitmentGlue = commitment•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Glue = commitmentGlue = commitment•• “There is no problem too “There is no problem too great to overcome in great to overcome in marriage if two people are marriage if two people are truly committed to each truly committed to each other.” other.” Dan FlournoyDan Flournoy

•• “There is no problem too “There is no problem too great to overcome in great to overcome in marriage if two people are marriage if two people are truly committed to each truly committed to each other.” other.” Dan FlournoyDan Flournoy


Family

•• 3. Based on mutual love and 3. Based on mutual love and respectrespect•• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your

•• 3. Based on mutual love and 3. Based on mutual love and respectrespect•• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your •• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your wives” Eph. 5:25wives” Eph. 5:25•• “…women to love their “…women to love their husbands” Titus 2:4husbands” Titus 2:4

•• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your wives” Eph. 5:25wives” Eph. 5:25•• “…women to love their “…women to love their husbands” Titus 2:4husbands” Titus 2:4

18Conclusion

•• “May your marriage be “May your marriage be blessed by the God who blessed by the God who always knows what is best always knows what is best

•• “May your marriage be “May your marriage be blessed by the God who blessed by the God who always knows what is best always knows what is best always knows what is best always knows what is best for our ultimate happiness” for our ultimate happiness” Glenn ColleyGlenn Colley

always knows what is best always knows what is best for our ultimate happiness” for our ultimate happiness” Glenn ColleyGlenn Colley

19References

•• 1. Can I Get Help? 1. Can I Get Help? -- Glenn Colley, in the Glenn Colley, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 #3, April 2010Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 #3, April 2010

•• 2. How To Handle Problems 2. How To Handle Problems –– Jay Jay Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41


•• 2. How To Handle Problems 2. How To Handle Problems –– Jay Jay Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 #3, April 2010#3, April 2010

•• 3. A Foundation For A Strong Family, by 3. A Foundation For A Strong Family, by Dan Flournoy Dan Flournoy http://www.christianhttp://www.christian--family.net/ family.net/

Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 #3, April 2010#3, April 2010


Getting Getting HelpHelp For For Problems In Problems In MarriageMarriage

21

MarriageMarriage

Spiritual Sword April 2010 article written by Glenn Colley

22Introduction

•• Marriage is to Marriage is to __________ __________ to to throw away when problems throw away when problems arisearise

•• Marriage is to Marriage is to __________ __________ to to throw away when problems throw away when problems arisearisearisearise•• Life is too short for your Life is too short for your marriage to be marriage to be ______________________________________

arisearise•• Life is too short for your Life is too short for your marriage to be marriage to be ______________________________________


Breakdown

•• 1. _________ 1. _________ = habitually = habitually finding fault finding fault

•• 1. _________ 1. _________ = habitually = habitually finding fault finding fault

•• “You “You always”always”•• “You never”“You never”

•• “You “You always”always”•• “You never”“You never”finding fault finding fault

or judging or judging unfavorablyunfavorably

finding fault finding fault or judging or judging unfavorablyunfavorably




Breakdown

•• 2. _____________ = 2. _____________ = a a feeling of scorn feeling of scorn ––attacking your spouses attacking your spouses

•• 2. _____________ = 2. _____________ = a a feeling of scorn feeling of scorn ––attacking your spouses attacking your spouses attacking your spouses attacking your spouses sense of worthsense of worth——insulting insulting or psychologically or psychologically abusiveabusive

attacking your spouses attacking your spouses sense of worthsense of worth——insulting insulting or psychologically or psychologically abusiveabusive


Breakdown

•• InsultsInsults•• Name callingName calling•• InsultsInsults•• Name callingName calling

•• Tone of Tone of voicevoice•• Body Body

•• Tone of Tone of voicevoice•• Body Body •• SarcasmSarcasm

•• MockingMocking•• SarcasmSarcasm•• MockingMocking




Breakdown

•• 3. ___________________3. ___________________ = = seeing yourself as a victim seeing yourself as a victim and defending against what and defending against what

•• 3. ___________________3. ___________________ = = seeing yourself as a victim seeing yourself as a victim and defending against what and defending against what and defending against what and defending against what you feel is an attackyou feel is an attackand defending against what and defending against what you feel is an attackyou feel is an attack


Breakdown


•• CrossCross--


•• CrossCross--

•• Yes Yes ––buttingbutting•• Repeating Repeating yourself without yourself without

•• Yes Yes ––buttingbutting•• Repeating Repeating yourself without yourself without •• CrossCross--

complainingcomplaining•• Disagree then Disagree then crosscross--complaincomplain

•• CrossCross--complainingcomplaining

•• Disagree then Disagree then crosscross--complaincomplain






Breakdown

•• 4. ___________________4. ___________________ = = withdrawing from the withdrawing from the relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid

•• 4. ___________________4. ___________________ = = withdrawing from the withdrawing from the relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid conflictconflict•• Trying to be “neutral”Trying to be “neutral”

relationship so as to avoid relationship so as to avoid conflictconflict•• Trying to be “neutral”Trying to be “neutral”


Breakdown

•• It gives the ideas of It gives the ideas of disapproval, distancing disapproval, distancing oneself, separation, oneself, separation,

•• It gives the ideas of It gives the ideas of disapproval, distancing disapproval, distancing oneself, separation, oneself, separation, oneself, separation, oneself, separation, smugnesssmugness•• This is considered to be the This is considered to be the most dangerous stage!most dangerous stage!

oneself, separation, oneself, separation, smugnesssmugness•• This is considered to be the This is considered to be the most dangerous stage!most dangerous stage!


•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 1.1. ChronologicalChronological (# of (# of birthdays)birthdays)

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 1.1. ChronologicalChronological (# of (# of birthdays)birthdays)birthdays)birthdays)•• 2. 2. PhysicalPhysical (how well one is (how well one is preserved)preserved)

birthdays)birthdays)•• 2. 2. PhysicalPhysical (how well one is (how well one is preserved)preserved)


•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 3. 3. MentalMental (wisdom and (wisdom and knowledge)knowledge)

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 3. 3. MentalMental (wisdom and (wisdom and knowledge)knowledge)knowledge)knowledge)•• 4. 4. EmotionalEmotional (how one acts (how one acts and reacts)and reacts)

knowledge)knowledge)•• 4. 4. EmotionalEmotional (how one acts (how one acts and reacts)and reacts)


•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 5. 5. SpiritualSpiritual (one’s (one’s relationship with God)relationship with God)

•• Five ages of human beings:Five ages of human beings:•• 5. 5. SpiritualSpiritual (one’s (one’s relationship with God)relationship with God)relationship with God)relationship with God)•• In the last three we should In the last three we should seek to be spiritually matureseek to be spiritually mature•• Mental Mental –– Emotional Emotional --SpiritualSpiritual

relationship with God)relationship with God)•• In the last three we should In the last three we should seek to be spiritually matureseek to be spiritually mature•• Mental Mental –– Emotional Emotional --SpiritualSpiritual

33Sources Of Help

•• Good booksGood books•• Marriage seminarsMarriage seminars•• Your doctorYour doctor

•• Good booksGood books•• Marriage seminarsMarriage seminars•• Your doctorYour doctor•• Your doctorYour doctor•• Other ChristiansOther Christians•• Wise counselors whose advice Wise counselors whose advice is based upon the word of Godis based upon the word of God

•• Your doctorYour doctor•• Other ChristiansOther Christians•• Wise counselors whose advice Wise counselors whose advice is based upon the word of Godis based upon the word of God


Family

•• 1. United in _____________1. United in _____________•• Ideal situation for both to be Ideal situation for both to be ChristiansChristians

•• 1. United in _____________1. United in _____________•• Ideal situation for both to be Ideal situation for both to be ChristiansChristiansChristiansChristians•• A scriptural marriageA scriptural marriage•• 1 Cor. 7:121 Cor. 7:12--1414

ChristiansChristians•• A scriptural marriageA scriptural marriage•• 1 Cor. 7:121 Cor. 7:12--1414


Family

•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Husband and wife must be Husband and wife must be committed to the marriagecommitted to the marriage

•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Husband and wife must be Husband and wife must be committed to the marriagecommitted to the marriagecommitted to the marriagecommitted to the marriage•• Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to adhere to or to be glued toadhere to or to be glued to

committed to the marriagecommitted to the marriage•• Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to Gen. 2:24 “Cleave” = to adhere to or to be glued toadhere to or to be glued to


Family

•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Glue = commitmentGlue = commitment•• 2. A Committed relationship2. A Committed relationship•• Glue = commitmentGlue = commitment•• “There is no problem too “There is no problem too great to overcome in great to overcome in marriage if two people are marriage if two people are truly committed to each truly committed to each other.” other.” Dan FlournoyDan Flournoy

•• “There is no problem too “There is no problem too great to overcome in great to overcome in marriage if two people are marriage if two people are truly committed to each truly committed to each other.” other.” Dan FlournoyDan Flournoy


Family

•• 3. Based on ______________ 3. Based on ______________ love and respectlove and respect•• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your

•• 3. Based on ______________ 3. Based on ______________ love and respectlove and respect•• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your •• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your wives” Eph. 5:25wives” Eph. 5:25•• “…women to love their “…women to love their husbands” Titus 2:4husbands” Titus 2:4

•• “Husbands, love your “Husbands, love your wives” Eph. 5:25wives” Eph. 5:25•• “…women to love their “…women to love their husbands” Titus 2:4husbands” Titus 2:4

38Conclusion

•• “May your marriage be “May your marriage be blessed by the God who blessed by the God who always knows what is best always knows what is best

•• “May your marriage be “May your marriage be blessed by the God who blessed by the God who always knows what is best always knows what is best always knows what is best always knows what is best for our ultimate happiness” for our ultimate happiness” Glenn ColleyGlenn Colley

always knows what is best always knows what is best for our ultimate happiness” for our ultimate happiness” Glenn ColleyGlenn Colley

39References


•• 2. How To Handle Problems 2. How To Handle Problems –– Jay Jay Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41


•• 2. How To Handle Problems 2. How To Handle Problems –– Jay Jay Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 #3, April 2010#3, April 2010


Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 Lockhart, in the Spiritual Sword, Vol. 41 #3, April 2010#3, April 2010


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