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Michael,

Well, I cooked last night. My ability to cook is fearsome. It was very easy to

do. I turned on the stove and followed the directions on the package for hash

browns. I know what French chefs did many years ago. I imagine it went like

this:

Ahhh Again, she burns brightly !ac"ues What will we do, now#

$ierre, calm down, we%ll &ust, um, yes 'all it $otato Flamb() *ot everyone

will eat it but we can charge for the burned parts now

*ote to posterity: +ou can tell how well dinner went by the number of smoking

andor flaming pots on the back patio. -o remember to place them on heat proof

surfaces so you don%t have to eplain to the fire department how a potato set

the house alight.

When I said I cooked last night I should say that the potato burned fiercely. I

cooked. $erhaps you are thinking that I meant I performed the activity that /

how to put this# / 0terminates0 in a finished meal. *o. I cooked. 1tanding to

close to hot oil and fiercely burning potatoes will, in fact, cook you.

I tried to have hash browns with some easy version of 2eef 1troganoff. Well,

that%s another thing that doesn%t eist. I noted that 2oris ate very little

dinner, but with ecellent reason. 3here ain%t no such thing as 0easy0 when it

comes to the 2.1. I made last night. I took the pre/cooked beef out of the

free4er, partly thawed it, and preceded to cut it into thin strips. 2oris came

into the kitchen and said the meat wasn%t done enough. I suppose he thought

that because of the ice on it. I then saut(ed the beef in butter in a small pan.

I should have used a saturnine instead of butter. It would have been far more

fun. 2etter yet, a dry white wine. After a few glasses you don%t care if it%s

well done because you are.

3hen I took the first burning pot outside and hosed it down. 2ack in the

kitchen it was almost time to hose down the beef. I managed to recover it

5another way of saying I put the flames out with the pan lid6. At this point I

saw the smoke detector was preparing to leave. I put another fry pan on the

burner 5now I understand why they are called 7burner86 and set it on for 09 to

9; minutes at a medium high heat.0 *ever do this. I started to prepare the mi

labeled 0*oodle 1troganoff0 from a package. I added the beef I had etinguished

a bit earlier. I didn%t get a real good feeling from this, but I was determined

to finish dinner. It smelled funny. *ot bad, but not something you would

willingly open your mouth near. After checking the time and finding I had < to

= minutes left on the soon to be potato flamb() I decided to check it. I%ll

never understand how something can be so white on one side and absolutely black

on the other. *ote to self: >ead the package, reduce heat by 9< on all

packages. It was time to turn me, too. I was cooked.

After moving the second flamb() to a safer area near the back of the patio I

checked on the cats passed out near the first pan due to the noious fumes.

?nce back inside I put a pan of water on 5it%s been years since I burned that6

and dumped cob corn in it.

I actually did burn water once. I was at 3om%s house and had brought spaghetti

sauce for the group dinner one 1aturday. I went into 3om and *ola%s kitchen and

placed a large pot of water on the stove. I went back into the dining room for

; minutes to game some more before I started the noodles. When I got back in

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the flames were @ to = inches over the top of the pot. What do you use to

etinguish burning water#

We had corn and this stuff I later swore never to make again. -inner last night

was impressive in that it eisted at all. We almost went out and later wished

we had.

Most of my dinners go pretty well. I really am a decent cook. I suppose that

has other meanings now, though. 3omorrow I%ll treat at 'afe Meico. In memory

of the last repast we%ll have 3acos Al 'arbon.

$aul