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Five-Five-Five

July 27, 2010 at 8:04pm

Having seen tragedy strike so many during 9-11, t e tsunami and Hurri!ane"atrina, # $as still unprepared %or t e !alamity $ i! &e%ell my o$n %amily on'ay (, 200() # $as living in *on!ord, +ort *arolina $it my us&and andt en seven mont old daug ter $ en on a nig t mu! like any ot er # $asa$akened &y t e sound o% &reaking glass) u!kily, our daug ter.s !ri& $asstill in our &edroom &e!ause t e room $ i! eld all o% er &elongings, as$ell as mine, ad &e!ome ground /ero %or t e disastrous %ire $ i! ! angedour lives %orever)

'y us&and tried to e tinguis t e %lames, &ut &y opening t e door to t e&a!k &edroom, t e %lames only gre$ $it t e in!reased air supply) He rus edt e t$o o% us out o% t e %ront door on!e t e gravity o% t e situation ad&e!ome apparent, &ut on!e # got t ere # reali/ed all # ad on $as myunder$ear and suddenly # $as it $it t e sense # $as living out someorri&le !li! nig tmare) it out e planation, # anded over my daug terand took a deep &reat &e%ore # ran &a!k into t e smoke %illed ouse andeaded %or my us&and.s !loset $ i! $as t e only one not on %ire andgra&&ed a s ort-sleeved grey 3 at Farm polo s irt # ad given im %or isre!ent &irt day t at nearly rea! ed my knees and, %or t e most part, %elt my$ay &a!k to t e %ront door in a urry)

n!e # got &a!k # $as glad # ad risked my li%e to retrieve t e s irt &e!ause a!ro$d ad &egun gat ering and t e spe!ta!le $as in %ull %or!e t oug , inindsig t, it seems ridi!ulous !onsidering o$ lu!ky $e $ere to es!apeun armed) it in minutes t e %ire department, poli!e, and television ne$s!re$s ad des!ended upon t e devastation) 5y t en, # ad a!!umulated apair o% plaid %lannel pa6ama pants, a pair o% tennis s oes someone used tomo$ t eir grass in and a giant yello$ pu%%y ld +avy vest %rom variousneig &ors) +eedless to say, # ad no interest in &eing intervie$ed, mu! lesson television) #t da$ned on me t at on 0( 0( 0(, at (:(( ', # $as $at! ing a

torrent o% %lames engul% everyt ing # o$ned and destroy t e pla!e # !alledome) # so&&ed un!ontrolla&ly as t e sun rose on $ at ad to &e t e !oldest,rainiest day in 'ay and de%initely t e loneliest, most opeless ours spent!oming to grips $it t e most pro%ound loss o% my li%e) # $as eart-&roken &yt e sig t o% undreds o% pages %rom my e tensive li&rary &lo$ing %rom t egaping ole in t e side o% my ouse, some o% $ ose titles # re!ogni/ed, as #$as more t an %ond o% reading, &ut driven &y a passion &ordering on

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o&session $it my uest to e plore every avenue o% trut ) roug out t eli%etime # ad spent !olle!ting over %ive undred volumes, # al$ays dreamt o%passing t em on to my ! ild &e%ore # ever even met my us&and, it $as amatter o% personal pride, and no$ t ose dreams $ere literally going up insmoke &e%ore my o$n tear %illed eyes)

s i% my situation ad not &e!ome dire enoug , t e ;)5)#) ven t oug # des!ri&ed repeatedly o$ # $assure t e %loor ad &urned straig t t roug to t e &asement &e!ause a ten%oot tall armoire %ull o% my daug ter.s !lot ing ad %allen over, t ey insistedt is $as not !onsistent $it t e ?eviden!e@ until t e la!k o% indi!ation %rom

t eir drug-sni%%ing dogs gave t em no ot er ! oi!e)

e $aited all day in t e rain, long a%ter t e %ire ad &een e tinguis ed, $ ilet ey did t eir &est to make a !ase against us %or arson sin!e t eir met la&t eory never panned out $e $ere treated like suspe!ts and %elt t$i!e asvi!timi/ed as a result) # remem&er t inking: ?$ y $ould # &urn do$n my o$nouse $ en # ave no insuran!eA@ ll t e logi! and reasoning in t e $orldmade no di%%eren!e to t e poli!e, $ o apparently did not &elieve a $ord o%$ at $e told t em until t e investigation %inally rendered an in!on!lusive

result $ i! only added insult to in6ury) # am not sure $ et er # $as moreoutraged or e austed, &ut t ings $ere a&out to go %rom orri%i! toe !ru!iatingly ridi!ulous)

e Bed *ross ad set us up $it some assistan!e on a!!ount o% t e %a!t $e$ere dead &roke &e!ause $e ad, ironi!ally, 6ust paid almost t$o t ousanddollars o% &a!k rent t e day &e%ore) e ad a de&it !ard $it appro imatelynine undred dollars $ i! $e later dis!overed ad restri!tions on $ at !ould&e pur! ased $it it) 5ut, %or t e moment, $e $ere 6ust appy to &e allo$ed

to leave and t e %irst t ing # $anted to do $as get out o% t e most umiliatingout%it # ad ever $orn $it out aving to go s opping $ ile $earing it) isproved to &e tri!ky indeed and $e ended up at t e "-'art around t e !orner$ ere # tried to %ind somet ing a!!epta&le to $ear $ en # $ent s oppingproperly t e ne t day) # $ill never %orget o$ # %elt &ro$sing t e ra!ks o%!lot es # $ould not &e !aug t dead in $earing an out%it &e%itting a omelessperson $ en t e reality o% it all &e!ame &itterly !lear: # $as a omeless

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person) #t $as too mu! %or me to !ope $it and # ran out o% t e store !ryingand $aited in t e !ar) e $ere given a otel room $ i! t e Bed *rossarranged %or us to stay in %or ten dollars per nig t, $ i! # %ound !om%ortingat %irst, until ra!e $eek ensued several days later and $e $ere given a daysnoti!e to va!ate)

#t $as early t e very ne t morning $ en, &y t e $orst &out o% lu!k one !ould!on!eive o%, t e poli!e dis!overed my us&and ad an outstanding $arrant%or a %ailure to appear in !ourt over a tra%%i! ti!ket, and s o$ed up to take imto 6ail a%ter is name popped up in t e %ire report) e ad no !as and $ ene tried to pay a &ail &ondsman %i%ty dollars $it t e Bed *ross !ard $e %oundout it $as not an approved e penditure) # !ould go mu! %art er into t edept s o% t e ell on eart $ i! $as t at summer, &ut enoug is enoug )

From $ at my us&and and # !ould tell, t e room t at !aug t %ire $as anaddition to t e ouse $ i! ad &een improperly $ired into t e &reaker &o )

is room $as eavily laden $it my !omputers and audio e uipment $ i!!ould ave overloaded t e %aulty &reaker) ne o% my laptops also ad a! arger $ i! $e dis!overed ad &een re!alled spe!i%i!ally %or !at! ing %ire)Cltimately, t ere $as never a de%initive ans$er %rom t e Fire #nspe!tor, &ut #got t e impression e may not ave ne!essarily &een at or even near t e topo% is %ield) # ad no !on%iden!e in is po$ers o% 6udgment a%ter $itnessing is?investigation@ turn into pure spe!ulation) 5ut in t e long run, it really made

no di%%eren!e o$ t e %ire started all # !ared a&out $as $ at # ad lost) 'ypast, my art$ork, my $riting, my &ooks, my mementos and my musi!- t esu&stan!e o% my $ ole li%e up to t at point- no$ e ists only in my mind andope%ully in t e memories o% t ose # $as !lose to) # reali/ed a%ter$ards t at #am not de%ined &y t ose t ings, &ut # %ear t at time $ill o&s!ure my 6ourneyt roug li%e and $it out t em t ere to remind me, # mig t %orget mu! o%$ at ad on!e meant su! a great deal to me and never uite live up to $ at# on!e strove to &e in my li%e)

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