fatal mistakes part iii

8/6/2019 Fatal Mistakes Part III

1/24

28 Fatal Mistakes Part III

It is the sixth day of the 11th month of the year of Our Lord2005. I have been

Compiling these thoughts for almost a year now. It is kind ofodd I think becausein the beginning this piece was only supposed to have beenone paragraph. Now IAm re writing part III of a many paged document and it has ledto me opening manyLocked doors within myself. This has surprised me greatly. Iam not sure whereThis is leading but in the event of my death I see it as adefinitive view in how myMind has been operating in my end days as it is being written

without really anticipating anyone really wanting to read it. Inever expect anyone to understandmy reasons for writing this piece but it is kind of clearing myconscious as I have no one to turn to. Well at least I got theone thing I always wanted I even moved acrossthe entire country to achieved it. I am utterly and totally alonenot even a cat to come home to and my passing will not makethe slightest difference. I think about it everyday and dream of it at night. I only hope and pray that I amsuccessful when the time comes because my failures leadingup to this point have cost me dearly in ways I never thought

would come to pass. Oct 6/05 11:29 Dream well

It is neither a sign of bravery or valor to concede to the wishesof your enemy by accepting defeat in the light of certaincircumstances. I have long ago accepted levels of kindness inthe place of Love as Love is as illusive as a cloud on thehorizon of dawn. Immortality is not gained by cheating death itis attained by being remembered long after death has beenachieved. Acts of kindness are less remembered than acts oftreachery. As long as this simple fact is remembered andaccepted Immortality is something that can be achieved by

anyone. To be Legend requires an act that may or may not berecognized preferably an act of unconditional kindnesscoupled with altruistic motive or direction.I would like to think that there have been such incidents in myjourney that I have had the gift in achieving suchcircumstances.Much to my chagrin if I was to point out to such happenings itwould cancel out or negate the original purpose of doing


2/24


3/24

there is no doubt in my mind that the words I have not said yetare already known, she is such a beautiful creature from theinside out and she doesnt even see how happy just hearingher voice in my ear makes me.

30

I feel like I could conquer the world with her in my mind andheart. It is as magical as a fairy tale that was written longbefore I met her. Ironically enough sometimes my life justseems to be drawing to a close she breathes new life into meand it just seems worth the struggle I endure just to hear hervoice even if she is far away. That truly is a gift not of my of

my own making.I dont know if she will come back to me after she is gone

for so long all I can do is pray that this unconditional act is notjust one more example of smoke and mirrors that my life hasbecome.Betty is a true gift as she makes me happy even with thesimple things she does. I only pray to God that she comes tome this 10th day of November before she goes away for a longtime.So here is to an unpredictable future and at the very best Iwas happy for awhile. Dear God please let me have a few

hours with Betty tomorrow as selfish as that may sound. Godbe with me as I dream.

Another day has come and gone for just this once I tried to correct

something I knew was wrong before I was sure what it was. I set the

Table for two and lit two candles for me and you. We danced while the

Meal finished its touch upon the kitchen stove.

I tried to read your eyes and knew that was a grave mistake and I

Saw what you so desperately wanted to tell me without saying anything

At all.

I cannot say it didnt hurt me to know but I love you so before the words

had even formed in my mind. New scars and all I love you more with each

Passing day even though the weeks stretch across time without you being

Here with me.


4/24

Dear precious jewel I knew the minute you saw me that something was

Amiss and I began to weep for the first time in years for something that

Happened long before I made this fateful journey out here in the Wild

West.

Things will not change as far as my feelings go and perhaps I look the

31

Fool but the minute I knew I forgave you for something that almost killed

me not so long ago. I guess thats the price I must pay in loving you and I

Will not utter those words again until you return them to me even though

I know its true that you love me too.

You are my queen of the night my precious diamond in the sand of

Humanity you care without having to say anything at all thats what

Makes you so special to me.

I will not forget this day and I will remember the candlelight and the

Meal we shared and the music that we danced to. It was magic I just want

You to know I have never felt this way before.

Perhaps I am the fool but I believe in Legends and the love that you

Have for me is something that words fail to describe I can only pray to

God above that you know I forgive you and I will be here always till

The end, the very end.

Perhaps I shouldnt have told you I feel the way I do but I had to

Just in case I dont get another chance

You have my heart and thats more than words can say.

I never thought that I could still feel such sorrow it even interrupted mydreamscape. Funny how that works I just met her and things instantly

clicked. The very music that plays in the background as I set these words

To paper shows that I still have a human side.

She is special because I would have purged her from my mind because of

What happened but the strangely tragic thing is that One More Day is all I


5/24

Ask of her.

It is surprising the amount of words that are spoken in the vast regions of

Silence. I miss her very much and I am the fool for that, after all I did

forgive her.

32

I hope she does not falter again I feel horrible this way.

Tis amusing since I would have abandoned anyone else

I often wonder when I got involved with her what direction

My heart would take me. Nov 12 05

-Wandering aimlessly my intellect a burden she beckons me in

Her dreams and I really struggle appearing to her.

I am a fool but a fool in love is better than just being a fool at all.

Today I would have had it as my last day as this tome progresses

I realize that the title of it is most appropriate and of all people

Her sister was the final one to break my heart. With a simple

Statement: She has never in the last few years been faithful

To anyone.

Left to my own resources I would not live to see tomorrows sun

Rise. All I want is to love and be loved my family no longer cares

I cry myself to sleep these last nights, and have decided not to

Suffer one more Christmas.

In the days to come I will be plotting my final demise and

Should this piece be discovered after the last thread of my

Life has been spun I wish it to be published as my one and

Only final work.

I know in my heart I will not be missed as they are acting as if

I am already dead. My only recourse is to find a source of theNarcotic I need to end the flame that keeps me burning.

I have not wanted a drink as badly as I do now. I must be

Patient and plan my exit so that my intentions are not discovered.

The slogan One Day At a Time has new meaning and if God

Is merciful he will guide me in my execution instead of putting


6/24

Another bend in the road of my destination.

I do not believe I am going to hell it is my understanding that

Am living in it currently I will only be satisfied when I am gone.

I honestly believe that I will not be missed. I will start packing

Tomorrow so that there is less work for those that will try

33

To figure out what happened, all they will find is this piece to explain, I

Love my family I only wished that they loved me enough too.

God help me I love Betty too even though she is not capable of loving

Me the way I express my love to her.

Soon it will be over I must bide my time the sun is down and theStars are out and it is time for me to close my day. Soon I will

Be with my elders and the friends that have gone before me.

But that day is not today. 11:31pm Nov 12 2005

I have discovered the true tragedy in music one of the most beautiful

Things that can be communicated is the sorrow the words can bring

Without ever being uttered. The sword that pierced my side most

Definitatively was the lack of balance in song. Where there are

Notes there is an equal space of silence that exists in any piece

Of music. Strangely enough that is were the true music lies.

Such is life it is not the light or love that makes life with

Texture and meaning it is the suffering one endures in the

Silences between the notes that are never played but are

Necessary in order to m ake the musical piece complete.

Perhaps Life is the same. It is not how vibrant your candle

Burns it is how low the flame flickers that makes it what itIs.

The loneliness is patient and makes Life that much more

Real with the pain that it brings and now that I am alone

I treasure the love that I had even for a short time.


7/24

Sad as it might seem all I wish for is for her to come back to

Me it is selfish I know but it is the truth.

Does she miss me or is she afraid of what I am.

I dont have a clue what the next few days has in store

For me. I must accept what I cannot change and change

34

The things that I can. I must say that at this day I really

Want a drink but I cannot have it. Perhaps that is a blessing.

Nov 13/05

There is something magical in her voice that I cannot seem to place

Even though I feel mortally wounded in my heart by an arrow

That can never be fully removed I am still drawn to her.

God help me I dont know what to do. I know what I am planning

But it isnt always part of the masters plan and I accept whatever

Consequence that my actions bring to me, I am past the point in

Caring.

Once more we are on the same page as that fateful day in December 19th

Of 1989. Hopeless and with no fear of what lay on the other side.

My family will not know and I will leave no clues as to who I am.

So when they find me no one can identify me as it will just be one more

Drug overdose in the great Wild West. I still have not decided to complete

My final solution I know it is a sin but I dont want to feel this pain

anymore.

Sooner or later I will run out of whiskey and drugs so it is the best thingFor all concerned I am giving it one more try and then I concede defeat

I feel that life is futile and I am sure that all will forgive me in time.

It is a foregone conclusion that I will be quickly forgotten which strangely

Enough is comforting each day is shorter as I sleep longer and I miss the

Sunrise and sunsets but it is easier living this way versus staring out the


8/24

window wishing I was gone long ago.

This journey is one I am determined to complete and no one will stand in

My way, no one will be to blame and there will not be any questions asked

What is more important there will be no answers given.

35

I believe in miracles and I am hoping for one now, I am angry I cannot

Seem to talk sense into my sponsor to give me my books and my bicycle

Perhaps I will just have to go and get them. I havent decided yet.

Nov15 / 05

She is still here yet she is gone I wonder how my passing will affect her

When she is released in April from the Long House. Perhaps she is

waiting for me to say Good bye.

I cannot in good conscious say Good bye for the waters in which I

Seek to swim in have no bottom and no shore in sight. Why I do not

Know but I seem to have fallen in love temporarily with a simple woman

She loves in a way that is not emotional yet she insists that she is in

The act of love vs. having sex. I guess the joke is finally on me

As I had mistaken her love for something genuine.

Much to my chagrin it was only physical. My dear neighbor must be

Feeling better as she has returned to the person so clearly illustrated on

the trip and fiasco from home to here.

November 17th 2005

Nov17th 5:18am

It has been a long night and I am tired my home group is tonight

and I wonder why I go know in light of certain decisions. Dave has

betrayed me and will pay a price for that. I doubt I will ever have another


9/24

student. Its really too bad he has much to learn and what I taught him will

not keep him sober; I now realize he is much more sicker than I am. I will

have to let it go at that. I am not one to point fingers as I am looking

forward to my next drink. At least I am not delusional, its amusing that he

thinks he is a master with such little training. How he has summoned the

nerve to keep things that belong to me is beyond my logic.

36

Betty is gone I will miss her greatly. I wish her well and hope she

succeeds. I am grateful to her for showing me that I can still love

And not fear the consequences. Her mother seems to be a gentle soul

Tempered steel ha. I wish to know her better more out of selfish reasonsThan noble ones I just didnt want her to think I was just like all

The other men that have touched Bettys life.

I feel badly for her children as they have had no peace.

Addiction is an ugly thing and I honestly hope that the

Road I am taking is final.

Eventually healing is inevitable and I will

survive the battles thatHave been fought since time immemorial. Lovecan be survived asMy heart goes back into hibernation better tohave lost love than have just discovered it.Once that battle has been lost and survivedNothing can pierce the armor I am clothed in,as distance is healthy

As well. I will seek affection somewhere else Ijust hope that I am remembered and I amwilling to take the risk of going into foreignTerritory. God is on my side I think and nomatter how much I hate myself His love isalways there for me I just hope that someday I


10/24

can see that love inside myself for me.God rest all ye that have past before me. Nov18/ 05

Many journeys have I traveled in this beautifulsunnyFall day I only caught the tail end of a noongathering and ITraveled 32 km to do that I tried to contact theplace I need toFind in order to do as I have planned to noavail, I did little

But I accomplished a lot even had a gooddream without theCold shock I usually have. Its been a few days since mylast entry

Not much has changed it is just a waiting game now. A few more

days and I will have the ability to have my plans come to fruition.

I must say I have experienced a loneliness that I never felt

37

Before and its not as bad as before. I am not stating that

drinking is the solution to my problems I have some periods of

happiness and it seems to be worth it. Isolation is a terrible thing

but I suppose we are born alone and we die alone and that is the

bottom line. I will be meeting judgment soon enough standing in

front of the God I perceive. I will have a smile on my face I only

wished I would see Ireland free, perhaps that is plausible who

knows. I know a few many things but I do not claim

omniscience.

I only hope I do not fail in my future endeavors. I really hope it

is my time to go and I dont want anyone to try and stop me. That

is so few know of my plans. I am trying to meet with a new

contact because the people I have had contact with will try and


11/24

interrupt what I plan to do, I plan to be gone Dec24 and my story

is winding down to an end. I have had many fatal mistakes some

of which I cannot turn back time and figure out to solve them. So

that means they are beyond my control and God will just have to

take care of Himself. I have forgiven my self as much as I canand I must say that my passing will be something to look forward

to.. DC al fini Nov 22

Has been a few days since I added to this long and sordid

Tale. I spoke to her for a few minutes the other day and she is in

a universe of her own. One of her own making but she is

wrapped up in a blanket of uncertainty and confusion that would

take a wizard to find his way out of the problems she has createdFor herself. I feel badly for her children as they suffer the most

and I wonder at time why she even thinks of me at all. I was a

fool to let physical proximity be mistaken for genuine passion

and all the complicated things that come with it. She is a

troubled girl and forgives me for saying this but she reminds me

a lot of Lisa, one of the most emotionally damaging relationships

I have

39

Been involved in. I wonder why only toxic women are

attracted to me or the ones with ulterior motives. A life of

solitude is almost worth it at least when you are on your own

there is less of a chance of your heart being broken by family

Friends or lovers. I am glad because my day is approaching and

Soon it will all be over. I wonder what is on the other side

perhaps things have changed in sixteen years since I crossed

last.I honestly hope it is my time I dont want to come back

I am finished this piece may very well be the last thing that I

write. It is no masterpiece but it is a segment of life in my head as

I usually write when I am alone offline and in a state where I

have no fear in discovery. I will be blessed if my timing is an end


12/24

to all things that originate in pain or suffering of any kind. I am

tired of people taking responsibility for my life it is something I

hold in my own hands. It is my choice to end it or live it. At this

point I do not care for the pain I am in. The release of it will be

magnificent for only then will I be totally free. Hopefully by nowI have my wings and no one will try and stop me.

Ibid Nov 24

40

I have made a commitment to stay at the present condition

and free from mind altering substances a promise I have nointention keeping it is Friday the 25 of November and I wait for

the beautiful Tuesday morning to get some dough; I plan to have

a personal rip roaring good time. I will be very merry you can

bank on that. Had a crucial argument with Hope tonight I wait

on faith alone she does not phone mom and end me homeless.

That was a fatal mistake her saying that I will pick what I say far

more tediously than an Irish potato farmer with his fields sown

with stone. Nov 26

41

A new beginning involves new risks I almost made a fatal

mistake the day before last in the risk of trust luck and fortune

did not fail me as my firm resolve was enough to save the day.

Self discovery is something that is never foreign. I am glad

things turned out the way they did for I saved myself editing onemore person out of my already shrinking circle of my inner

universe. Would be a shame if that happened as it has been a

long time since someone told me that they loved me and I

actually believe she does. Scary but true I must say the concept

of unconditional love is an endeavor into uncharted territory


13/24

from which anything is possible. The very thought that someone

could love me as she does is a thing I thought of as a myth for

the longest time. It is a pity I may never see her stand in front of

me but sometimes a rose is the most beautiful at the point in the

morning when the stars are still out and the sun is rising turningthe sky to that faded blue as the banshees of the night take flight

in the birth of the day. Wonders never cease to amaze me I know

I should not worry about the very thoughts that cross my mind at

this stage as I believe her when she tells me she loves me. It is

almost strangely sad when I have reached this point in my sordid

tale that it almost seems so much to accept with so little time.

Who knows? I might decide to stay to see what the second act of

this wonderful pageant has in store for me. It saddens me toknow I cannot take action and just hop into a car and drive to

her. Perhaps it is meant to be this way at this point nothing

surprises me at all.

41

When I look into the mirror that is when I feel the most

alone. I know that there has been a lot of self pity that has been

going on with me and I am more conscious of it now than I have

ever been. It is something that I am ashamed of and am taking

steps to avoid at all costs, it makes me look like a fool and ishardly a positive character trait. I must accept other opinions

about myself or I will be alone for the rest of my days. I cherish

each day that someone spends with me. I only search for self

acceptance. There are many questions I have and not enough

answers are being provided. Call it Murphys Law for humors


14/24

sake. I am a man of many scars and not all of them can be seen

I am beginning to accept the fact that not everyone finds me as

hideous as I see myself. This has been a hard lesson to learn.

Everything takes time. As long as I dont become bitter and

facetious or vain or conceited I would be satisfied with that.Footnote to self read Prometheus Rising again starting with

front cover. Positive programming never fails. Sticking with the

behavioral reinforcement can be challenging but anything is

possible as I have proven time and time again. Projection of my

persona is a must more than any other time I am finding. I am

going to make a great effort at spending more time happy than

sad even if things take a turn for the worse but I can hardly see

myself sinking any lower than I have lately. I am tired of makingpromises to myself I cannot keep. I have decided to start drinking

again instead of indulging on other escape mechanisms. I am

going to take the risk of letting someone in. I pray this does not

backfire on me. Help me change what I can and help me to

accept things that I cannot. I am rapidly approaching my 35th

year on this spinning mud ball. Soon I will have the resources to

make or break this Christmas. Things must change or I feel it is

time that I am finished with this game of Life.

42

I grow tired of being hungry in many ways. I have walked

too far and covered a lot of ground. I still remain standing where

I was 16 yrs ago. That is sad for me to admit and I feel great

shame. I find it very odd that someone loves me the way she does.

What worth she sees within me baffles me to be blankly honest.

As dirty old town plays I sit here shattered much to my

surprise. Her name will never be spoken aloud upon my lips.

I talked to her sister on the phone this morning in search of

answers and got all the ones I was afraid of hearing. She never

was capable of loving me due to her own battles she is currently


15/24

fighting. It is my sight that says she will suffer a far deeper loss

than just losing me. Her children will be raised by strangers and

she will embark on a journey of suffering she will not return

from. Why do I allow myself to be hurt in such depth this way?

Is this a sign that I will never love the way I only dream of? I donot know for to assume that I will is a flaw that I cannot afford

to have. She was so warm to my touch and I feel doomed to ever

know her touch again. If heaven is as close as I can see it now I

only hope to reach it as it lives and breathes in my heart and

mind. Hope is something I dare not have for it only ends in

rejection and pain in all the ways I never imagined I would

suffer again.

43

I wish you well and may all that you struggle for makes you

content. I pray that eventually you find peace and strength even

though destiny dictates that I do not share that day with you. I

am so happy in an ironic way that things have turned the way

that they have. It is selfish and maybe cruel for me to look at it

from this angle but as long as you have made your choices I willNot have to watch you kill yourself and scar your kids with your

selfish behavior. Forgive me my stupidity as I thought we might

have shared many sunsets together. One thing you can say for

yourself even if you only have a grade 7 education you are a

master of the pillow arts. To much a shame it is to be one of


16/24

many who drink from your cup only to remain empty. Now you

will be forgotten and only remembered for one reason. Tragic as

that seems it is true. The story of wind continues and finishes

with the same sound as it started with. Nothing at all. Peace be

with you and all that you hold close to you. The longing is overThings come to a close as they always do, I am not sure why she

calls is it out of guilt or purpose? I guess that will remain a

mystery. I felt nothing talking to her the flame that once was has

died. I wish the best though it was a sad discovery she ended up

being nothing but a simple whore. I thought I could change that

but the key is she did not want to change that her common flaw

is that she gives herself because she cannot find herself thus she

will remain lost. May her future bring happiness to her and mayher children be taken care of. The concept of mercy is an illusion

to the modern man of technology. Faith seems to be an obtuse

thought process, and things and believes of a mystical nature

seem to be taken as seriously as daydreams of rainbows and

lephrecauns.It has been a long time since my last entry a lot has

convinced me that the only one to blame for the aforementioned

fatal mistakes where all of my own making, it is the day before

my birthday I seem to have turned back time and am still the

43

The drunk I was so many years ago I am quite sure my family

would be disgusted with my antics I am at a low I have not

known before. Everything I touch turns to ashes and dust. I hope

I make it through Christmas but things dont look too promising.

Dec 13 2005

Tears are never lonely they run down your face in duets

like people ski down mountains covered with snow. It is 2am on

Dec 14 2005. I am now 35 years old I have amounted to nothing

even this sordid little tale may never see outside the confines of


17/24

this machine. I am a drunk and a drug addict a has been before I

could ever be anything. I have caused pain and mistrust in my

tracks led a parade of broken hearts and shattered friendships in

a wake of drugs and alcohol. I am finding it increasingly

difficult to go from one day to the next. I managed to shave offmy beard without cutting my throat and I hardly recognize the

man in the glass staring back at me. My mother will not speak to

me and my family has no use for me. I wonder if I will hear from

them today. Darkness and silence is my habitat and even

sunlight runs from my grim visage. Should things fly my way I

shall be free soon. Carpe Diem.

One more day describes this one that has gone by. I celebratedmy 35th birthday with the kind lady that brought me to where I

now sit. I am very grateful to have her as a friend as I would be

more in sorrow than I am for hearing from not one of my family

members. The choice that I have made is now concrete and will

take something powerful to change what is to be. I choose to be

sober and clean of illegal narcotics when I follow through what

lays in front of me. I miss my niece and nephew.

44

I miss my mother even though she has said without words that

she will see me on the sunny side of hell before she ever talks to

me again. I will send her the letter I owe her today. May angels

bless your dreams and banshees stop at your window and pass

your household on their way to heaven. Dec 15/05You can choose what you pray to as far as God is concerned you

can even discover who your Guardian Angels are. But you find

out who your demons are they are always there they just wait for

you to find them in your life.

Today marks one of the most terrible days of my life. I have


18/24

been accused of the lowest crime a person can commit. I would

never do what I have been questioned about. The worst part was

my accuser is the most likely person to be able to kill me without

question or hesitation. To make matters worse when I came

home the authorities where waiting for me, I have nothing tohide as I have done nothing wrong. The authorities searched my

apartment and scanned my computer. They found nothing as

nothing was to be found. More than anything now I want out of

this torture normal people call Life. My family has turned their

back on me and the one person who loves me is in a country I

am not allowed in. What the next few days will bring is a mystery

I am afraid and alone and I do not know what to do. Funny

thing is I dont have the rope to hang myself or the poison to killme. So I must suffer whatever fate brings to me. Goodnight stars

and moon I am coming home soon. Dec 17 05

It seems as though I have failed again no big surprise

there. I must go home or I will make a decision that I cannot

take back. I feel terrible and waste my days sleeping and

dreaming of bad things. The are no Christmas dreams dancing

in my head only dreams of torture and violent Christmass of my

past.

45

I really do not blame my family for wanting nothing from me

I have wasted much time and not being able to cope here in BC

proves their point much to my chagrin. I am thinking of going

into a treatment centre for 3 months and then moving back into

Ontario once I get out. I really do not know what keeps me fromwalking a long way never to return. The mountains are beautiful

to behold and it is still warm enough to camp on one of their

beautiful peaks. Hope is always here I am doomed if Hope walks

away. Dec 18 05

Just read my mail on another machine seems as though


19/24

Hope is gone beyond her circumstances I guess it is all for the

best as she will be spared the details of my outcome. I wish things

would change but even as the days go by and I am clean and

sober it just seems that my pain and inside agony quantum leaps

in measurements beyond comprehension. I now understand thefull scope of the abandonment of redemption and forgiveness far

from the grasp of a saint before it is canonized in the Vatican. I

feel like I share the same bloodline as the angels that

accompanied Lucifer as he was cast down out of Heaven. The

tears that are never cried rain like the sky opens in Spring.

Colleen left me a mail that was sad yet almost amusing she

referred to me as her Prince of Light and Darkness. I found it

agitating and ironic at the same time. I will begin preparationsfor me leaving this desolate place in the next few days I must

clean this cage and begin to pack for I will soon be leaving it

may rain or shine or even snow where I am going but I am

going. Time is a fortune teller a friend always says the hospital is

next then treatment I will be returning to the province of my

birth or I will die here. Time is short and there is much to do. 18

December 2005

December 19, 2005 the anniversary of my death in 1989 has

come around again. It has been 16yrs since that day has passed.

46

Not a lot has changed except this year I have been drinking as

well as doing drugs and it has been the death of parts of me that

I thought I would never give up. The song has died in my heart

for quite some time now. There is no love in my heart and I am

alone again with nothing to mark my passing not even a smile or

a glimpse of happiness in another person that I worked so hardto summon. I never intended it to come to pass that anyone

would ever regret meeting me or fall for the illusion that I cast

that I am no different than the common fool. Though I have

acted the part to the smallest detail. I have betrayed myself and

practically sold my soul to the devil for the sake of drugs and


20/24

alcohol. My family has turned against me and I feel that heaven

has forsaken me. I live in fear and hope has been lost in the

shuffle of this small little town. I only hope to redeem myself

somehow by entering treatment and going home to Ontario

before it is too late. If I cannot make the voyage home I amgoing to die here before I lose all respect for myself. I have

driven all my friends away and even AA does not take me

seriously anymore. Am I beyond redemption? This I do not know

as I can not assume to know the mind of God. I only have myself

to blame, the mountain beckons me and each sunrise I see I feel

like it is my last. With each end of day when the sun hides her

face for the night I dream that I am taken either by my demons

or my angels and I cross over and each time I put my head downto sleep and I enter the land of Dream, I pray that I do not wake

even though my life will not end that simply. I know this as I was

born into tragedy and will leave this world the same way I

entered it. The fires of heaven burn for me yet I am cold to the

very marrow of my bones. There are angels and I am not in total

isolation as there are people in the Program who do care. I care

for others the way I know I should care about myself I just can

not forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I do not blame

my family for turning against me and at least my sister is still

speaking to me so not all battles are lost.

47

I do not expect a warm reception upon returning to Ontario. I

find it ironic that my father is as close to me as he is considering

the past relationship I had with him. I feel that my mother does

not exactly hate me but I also know that I am not exactly the

apple of her eye right now. What is worse is that I feel that I havelost my brother totally.

It is a few days before Christmas the birth of Christos is at

hand I almost feel like I am not beyond redemption I am very

proud of myself which is sad because I only did what I should

have been doing all along. Nonetheless I did it! I knew I could


21/24

do it before the liquor store opened and I even got smokes for the

dear lady across the hall that is helping me out of the grave that I

have dug for myself.

If hope were a road paved by strife and struggle, joy and

pain or even pennies and half truths; what a winding road itwould be. I often dream of a utopia populated by perfection of

environment appreciation of beauty in both sight and sound and

sown with blue skies and perfect surf on a beach with white

sands and no stone or broken glass. Alas utopia is a dream just

beyond my reach but close enough to be just beyond the touch of

my finger prints in a sunset that never sinks below the horizon.

The sun shares the sky with the rising moon and the stars are

gently scattered in a darkening navy blue sky. The snow isgradually creeping down the mountains to meet in the valley I

live in. I am 3 days before Christmas and I will be late with my

gifts my name is already a vulgar word on the tongues of my

family members at home and my ebbing life is measured in spans

of 24hrs. I am poor out of choice as I am safer that way and I am

graced with the fact that I am not too proud to be in that

position. I miss my family even though they must be relieved at

the lack of my presence among them. This year will be the first of

many that I am not with them on Christmas morning and yet that

seems so far away.

48

I really must be honest when I admit that I can taste the rye

that I so desperately want to taste to take the way that I feel

away. I know that the drink is not the answer to my painful

reality and all I can do to save myself is to surround myself with

people who have greater needs than my own selfish wants andthirsts. I must forget and forgive because although I have my

friends I only have myself at the end of the day. It was good to

talk to her again to have that release. I know that I was alone in

that I really do not want to continue a pattern that I had rid

myself so difficultly before. It is neither fair nor gentlemanly to


22/24

do what I have done tonight and I must atone for that. It is an

addiction that I cannot afford to fall into and I must put a stop to

it as it has started. I do love her and I was a fool to act the way

that I did but I must admit I did what I did selfishly and I cannot

live the way I have.Death haunts me and seems to be the answer but God is cruel

and stubborn so I am sure He in his original formula must have

been Irish I am quite sure my granda is having a rather good

laugh at me now. I can not go on living this way it is no life.

There are two people who do not cost me anything of their

friendship. The rest hover like ravens at a funeral for my funds. I

miss Nancy Whiskey and she seems to be the only lady who

wants to dance with me. But should I heed the bagpipes of thebanshee of Ishkebaha I am doomed to come back again to play

the fife and drum of the battle hymn that my life has become.

Soldiers are born to die in battle the rest just play the old songs at

their birth and funerals and the water of Life flows freely at both

ends of the rainbow and only the stars stay transfixed in their

fields of sky with the stone walls guarding their flocks as the

wheel of time turns in the witching hours of night into the birth

of Day. Ceade Mille Failte Grainne Mihaille and Granda Savage

and Norris forgive me of the sins that I have committed today

and guide me toward Tir Na Og tonight and Bless me with the

dawn. If it be the will of the Sidhe

49

Be it my turn to have the banshees wail over my house

tonight I pray that they take me to judgment swift and sure and

be done with it as I have crossed the River Styx twice before andreturned aboard Chirons boat to this shore. Good night and

May the ghosts that haunt the house at night never stir you from

your sleep. May the little people sprinkle fairies dust on you and

peace be upon the heads of your house. Dec 22 05


23/24

Dec 23rd05

What magic the season brings I am starting to accumulate more

sober friends than drinking ones and I have been given the

honor of being invited to Christmas Dinner with my friend with

the horse farm. Tonight was beautiful even though the heavensopened and the tears of angels fell upon my head as I ventured

out to my meetings. It is a season of celebration and I feel reborn

soon I will be online again and I even phoned my Da tonight.

Miracles do occur even to a skeptic such as myself.

Dec 23-05

I wish I never came out here to the wild west I honestly think I

will never see Ontario again. I havent felt this low in quite

sometime. I know that if things are any more complicated I willnot want to see one more day. Perhaps when I get back online

things will change. I do have friends but I have not felt this

empty in a very long time. I feel broken and cast aside.

Dec 25th Christmas morning 2:06 am

One more year I have survived and I am sober I never thought I

would plan to live to see Christmas Day. Seems as though God

has other plans for me. I got a really nice gift from my friend

across the hall and even more precious I had a great chat with

Mom tonight before Midnight mass at the local church. Is it not

odd that I would find such comfort in an old ritual. I miss Dad

and the family memories I have of the past.

50

The ghosts of Grandma Norris and Grandpa Savage leer in my

memory and I miss them both dearly. The food and drink flowed

freely in days gone by. I miss Tim and Teresa and the bill mustsoon be paid. Hopefully when this document comes to light no

shame is brought to the family name. It is odd that it seems the

only vehicle that I can be brutally honest with is on a machine

with no voice and no paper and ink to be seen by the whole world

I almost feel like the transformation that Scrooge went through


24/24

in the Christmas Carol. I am becoming a horseman and may

soon one day own a horse of my own should fate decide it. Love

to all and to all a goodnight. Merry Christmas.

I was graced this Christmas night I had dinner at the horse

ranch tonight with Geoff the guy I know from the fellowship; hesaid he could make me an excellent horseman in one year. What

a gift that will be should I understand that I am staying put. It

will take a miracle to keep me hear. My executioner came to see

me last night and I was surprised to see a real miracle. I dont

exactly know what to do now. I got some really nice gifts from

mom and a really nice letter too. I am happy for the moment and

the mountains will not be my burial ground but only just for

today. Merry Christmas my dear family. We are all dearlycherished this year.

Dec26th 2005

One more day, Tim has his new house and lovely girlfriend

Teresa is home with the kids and her new man.. He seems to be a

nice man. Mom was happy I got my Christmas present and I

should be online tomorrow hopefully. I have amounted to

nothing big surprise there. If the cards fall properly I will be in

detox soon and going home to stay. I will not make it out here I

have to go home before my addiction kills me. Pride will not

stand in my way as it would only end up being fatal.

fatal mistakes part iii

Documents