ENOUGH ALREADY! How Much is TOO Much ?

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ENOUGH ALREADY! How Much is TOO Much ?. Presented by: Sue Utter Counselor Carl Junction High School sutter@cj.k12.mo.us (417)649-7081- work (417)782-0061 - home. Our culture is awash in EXCESSemphasis on quantity, brand names, individual expression and rights, etc. - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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  • ENOUGH ALREADY!How Much is TOO Much? Presented by:

    Sue Utter

    CounselorCarl Junction High Schoolsutter@cj.k12.mo.us (417)649-7081- work(417)782-0061 - home

  • Our culture is awash in EXCESSemphasis on quantity, brand names, individual expression and rights, etc.

    Media tells us we dont have the right stuff, we really deserve more, etc.

    Best way to show love is to give things

    Paris Hilton, Anna Nicholeneed I say more???

  • What is overindulgence anyway?The key word in overindulgence is over(and it is the opposite of disciple.)Giving children too much of what looks good, too soon, and/or for too long. Giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests/talents. The process of giving things to children to meet the adults needs rather than the childs needs.

  • What is overindulgence anyway?Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to a child/children in a way that appears to meet the child/childrens needs but really does not.Doing or having so much of something that it actually does harm it prevents the child from developing age appropriately and keeps the child from achieving his or her full potential.

  • What is overindulgence anyway?Can be considered a form of (unintentional) child neglect because it hinders children from performing the needed/necessary developmental tasks and prevents them from learning necessary life lessons (responsibility, perseverance, decision-making skills, independence, and self-discipline).

  • How can I tell if it is Overindulgence?The Test of Four

    1. Does the situation hinder the child from learning the tasks that support his/her development and learning at this age?

    2. Does the situation give a disproportionate amount of family resources (money, space, time, energy, attention, etc.) to one child (or the children)?

    3. Does the situation exist to benefit the adult more than it benefits the child?

    4. Does the childs resulting behavior potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?

    If any one of these clues is clearly present, there is an issue or problem with overindulgence.

  • What do we know about overindulgence? It is all around usIt is rooted in good intentionsIt occurs at all socioeconomic levelsIt is not limited to dysfunctional familiesIt is not just only or youngest childrenIt is not just about too much stuffit can also be about too much attention and / or wobbly rules.

  • What do we know about overindulgence? (cont)It is not just grandparents or parents who do it.It causes much more pain for the children involved than we ever imagined.It is not harmlessit can set children up for problems and failures in their adult life.It is unintentional.Once identifiedit can be changed.

  • Indicators of OverindulgenceWhen I was growing up

    My parents did things for me I should have done for myselfMy parents did not expect me to do any choresI was allowed to have all the toys, clothes, etc. that I wantedI had lots of privileges and too much freedomMy parents allowed me to be in charge of/dominate the familyMy parents smother-loved meI got too much attentionMy parents had rules but I didnt follow them and they didnt enforce themMy parents scheduled me or lots of thingsactivities, camps, lessonsMy parents made sure I was always entertainedbut I spent a lot of time on my own or with others, and very little time with them

  • What conditions can lead to overindulgence?Working parents (guilt)Unresolved conflict between parents/adultsParents meeting their needs through their childrenDivorce/separation/stepfamilies, etc.Presence of addictionsOvercompensating for a childs loss, neglect or abuse, illness, disability, death of loved one, etc.Only child/grandchild, long-awaited child, etc.Lack of knowledge of child development and/or lack of good parenting skills

  • Why do parents overindulge their children?Parental Guilt Mask parental favoritismKeep up with Joneses (or their parent peer group) To control/manipulate their kidsFear of conflict/rejection Competing w/ spouse/ex-spouseInability to set and enforce limits Buy childs loveGive in to pressure (of other kids/parents/media)So they feel like a good parent/build their own self-esteemAvoid childs anger Avoid/not make a sceneMeet their own need to be neededDesire to give child what they did not have as a childProject the parents vision of the perfect childCompensate for a child who feels less than

  • How do kids feel who were overindulged?44% confused because it didnt seem right40% embarrassed because I didnt know how to do things that other kids knew how to do31% guilt, bad, sad29% good at the time, but later ashamed and guilty28% good because I always got everything that I wanted27% embarrassed because I knew somehow that it wasnt fair compared to what other kids had19% strangebecause no matter how much of something I got, I was never satisfied15% good because I got to make all the decisions13% ignored / paid-off / bought off

  • Adult consequences of overindulgence:Feelings of incompetence or inferiorityFeelings of inadequacyinsecurityUneasy feeling that others resent meFalse sense of power/entitlementUnrealistic view of self and unrealistic world viewExpectation to always be the center of attentionExpectation that others will/should always meet my responsibilities/needsLack of empathyinability to put others needs firstLack of perseverance or ability to delay gratificationLack of respect for authority-difficulty with rulesInability to determine what is enough in any area of life (money, food, property, love, etc.)Discontent, dissatisfieddont feel loved by others

  • Quotes from adults who were overindulged

    Im often angry when I dont get my way or what I wantI still feel confused, because they said they loved me, but I didnt or couldnt feel itand I didnt know it.I often feel disappointed in othersI always feel let down by them.I always seem to expect more than I getI cant afford myself and I feel like a failureI feel like I never grew up & I cant set reasonable limitsI think I am unrealistic about the realities of lifeI have trouble budgeting anythingtime, money, etc.I dont have very good coping skills when I face difficulties or disappointments.I am fatbut I still feel empty and hungryeven after I eat.I am just not ever satisfiedwith anything, it seems.I am overweight, drink too much at a time, and often overcook and over feed my family and guests.

  • Sojust exactly what is ENOUGH?Small group activityCome up with a workable definition for the following terms using your groups topic:TOO LITTLEENOUGHABUNDANCETOO MUCHShare groups results

  • Basic DefinitionsToo Little Not having adequate resources to maintain basic needs such as health, life, safety. Enough Having what is needed so you dont have to worry. Adequate or sufficient. Abundance Having some extras occasionally that make life more enjoyable, exciting and/or interesting (can be shared or given away). Opulence or luxuriance. Too Much having abundance so often or all of the time so that you no longer appreciate or enjoy it.

  • Three Types of Overindulgence(and their consequences)

    Giving Too MuchOver NurturingSoft Structure

  • Giving Too MuchIf you water a plant too much it dieseven if you water it too much out of love, it still dies.Providing too many resources or too much of something that is purchased.Research indicated 5 major areas of this type of over indulgence: toys clothesentertainmentactivities privileges

  • Consequences of Giving Too MuchLack of respect for property or the money/effort it takes to buy thingsChild believes and acts as if he/she is the center of the universeUnrealistic view of self and actual skill/ability levelsUnrealistic world view and what it takes to be successfulInability to persevereInability to delay gratificationDifficulty with empathy Difficulty putting the needs of others before their ownDifficulty determining what is enough in other life areas

  • Over NurturingA proverb warns that you shouldnt bite the hand that feeds youbut maybe you should if it prevents you from feeding yourself.Doing things for a child that the child is capable of doing for himself/herself.Doing things for a child that are developmentally age appropriate for him/her.Doing too much of a good thingit is a smothering kind of love/care.

  • Consequences of Over NurturingLearned/trained helplessnessfeeling uselessLack of confidence/insecuritylack of self respectFailure to achieve potential(when a parent over-functions the child under-functions)Procrastinationinability to see a project to completionLow frustration level / lack of patienceInability to stick with a task that is unpleasant until it is completed or resolvedDifficulty with decision-makingInability to deal with normal life frustrations

  • Soft StructureOn the average, children want ten times more attention, toys, freedom and so on then they actually need. About the only things children today need more than they want are chores and consequences.Giving children too much freedom and license for their ageallowing the children to run the family.Giving children choices and experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests or talents.Failure to insist that children learn important life skills.

  • Consequences of Soft StructureDevelop weak social and personal boundariesTrained to be irresponsible (no chores or contribution to well-being of the family/whole)Have a false sense of empowerment/importanceLack of respect for authorityDifficulty following rules and guidelines/they dont apply to meChildren often feel neglected or ignored--that their parents didn