emotions - hurt, gilt, shame and anger

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Emotions - Hurt, Gilt, shame and Anger

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Emotions - Hurt, Gilt, shame and Anger

Overcoming Anxiety

By : Nilesh Mandlecha

Sadness (HNE)Depression (UNE)

A prescription for a Depression-causing philosophy

A prescription for an anti-depression philosophy

1) Failure:I have to succeed in all I do.

I very much prefer to succeed, but I do not always have to.

If I fail then I am a failure.

If I fail I am not a failure, but a fallible human being who can succeed and fail. As such I can learn from failure.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

2) Loss of love: I must be loved in my close relationships.

In close relationships, expressions of love may wax and wane* and I do not always have to be loved. Even if the worst comes to the worst and somebody I love stops loving me, this is very sad but I am not immune from this. *(Meaning of Wax and wane - to become stronger and then weaker)

If I am not loved then this means that I am unlovable.

Losing love does not mean that I am unlovable. If it is true that the other person has stopped loving me because of an unlovable trait. I can always accept myself as a fallible human being with lovable and unlovable traits and resolve to maximize the former and address & change the latter if these can be changed.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

3) Incompetence: I must do well. If I do not then this shows that I am totally incompetent.

I prefer to do well, but I do not always have to. If I do not do well then I am not an incompetent person but a fallible human being, who may not be doing well because the task is new to me or I do not have the talent to do so well without extra effort. I am a person who has a variety of talents and a variety of things I do not have talent for.

If I do not then this shows that I am totally incompetent.

If I do not do well then I am not an incompetent person but a fallible human being, who may not be doing well because the task is new to me or I do not have the talent to do so well without extra effort. I am a person who has a variety of talents and a variety of things I do not have talent for.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

4) Disapproval: I have to be approved of at all times by all people.

I would like to be approved of, but do not always have to be.

I have to be approved of at all times by all people. If I am disapproved of then this means that I am either a bad person or an unlikeable person.

Being disapproved of may be more about the other person who is disapproving of me or it may mean that I have behaved poorly or have an unlikeable trait. If the latter is true it means that I am a fallible human being with likeable and unlikeable aspects and that I can accept myself and address what needs to be changed.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

5) Loss of useful role: I have to be useful. If I am not useful then I am useless and will never be of use again.

I very much prefer to be of use, but I do not always have to be useful. My worth is not dependent on being useful and there are other aspects of life, which are important. If I have lost a useful role, it does not mean I cannot be useful in other ways.

If I am not useful then I am useless and will never be of use again.

My worth is not dependent on being useful and there are other aspects of life, which are important. If I have lost a useful role, it does not mean I cannot be useful in other ways.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

6) Loss of status: I must maintain my status.

My status that I have lost is important to me but it is not the be-all and end-all* of my life.*(Meaning of be-all and end-all - something that is the very best or most important, all imp element, essential factor)

I must maintain my status. My status is the most important thing in my life and to lose it would make me worthless.

My worth is not dependent on my status, There are other aspects of being a person, and while I very much miss my status I can involve myself in other aspects of life.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

7) Relying on others: I have to be self-reliant at all times.

I value being self-sufficient and much prefer to be so, but I do not always have to be self-reliant.

If I were to rely on others this would show that I am a weak person.

I am not a weak person if I have to rely on others. I am a person with strengths and weaknesses, and maybe it is a strength that I can be flexible enough to take help from others rather than a weakness. My worth is not defined by being self-sufficient.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

8) Depression: I must not be depressed.

I prefer not to be depressed but I am not immune from depression.Nobody is.

Depression is a sign of weakness. If I am depressed then I am weak.

Even if depression is a ‘weakness’ it does not mean that I am a weak person. It means that I am a fallible human being with strengths and weaknesses. Thus, I can admit my feelings and seek appropriate help.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

9) Criticism: I must not be criticized. If I am criticized then there is something wrong with me as a person.

I would like not to be criticized but that does not mean I must not be criticized.

If I am criticized then there is something wrong with me as a person.

When I am criticized it may mean more about the critic or more about me. However, if the latter is the case it does not mean that there is something wrong with me as a person, although it may mean that I need to do something about what is being criticized. In this case, accepting myself as a fallible human being with many good, bad and neutral aspects will help me to do this effectively.

A prescription for a Depression-causing philosophy

A prescription for an anti-depression philosophy

10) Hardship: Life must not be hard.

Life is hard at the moment, but sadly it does not have to be easier that it is. So let me see what I have that is valuable if things cannot be changed at present.

A prescription for a Depression-causing philosophy

A prescription for an anti-depression philosophy Part - 6

11) Not belonging: I must belong to my chosen social group.

I very much value being part of a social group but do not always need to belong.

If my social group does not accept me then this will be terrible as I will never experience happiness.

My worth is not dependent on belonging. I can accept myself as a fallible human being who is happier being part of a social group and thus make sensible attempts to rejoin this group or non-desperate attempts to join another. Moreover, I can still be happy (although not as happy) during times when I do not belong.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

12) Loss of helping role: I have to be helpful to others.

I very much value being part of a social group but do not always need to belong.

If I am not helpful to others then I have no worth.

My worth is not dependent on belonging. I can accept myself as a fallible human being who is happier being part of a social group and thus make sensible attempts to rejoin this group or non-desperate attempts to join another. Moreover, I can still be happy (although not as happy) during times when I do not belong.

IB (Depression) Rational Belief (Sadness)

Rigid Demand:I absolutely must not lose my useful role in the community.

Preference:I don’t want to lose my useful role in the community but there is no universal law that states that this must not happen.

Awfulising Belief:To lose my useful role in the community would be the worst thing that could happen to me.

Anti-awfulising Belief:Losing my useful role in the community is pretty bad but if I put this in perspective it is far from being the worst thing that could happen to me.

IB (Depression) Rational Belief (Sadness)

LFT Belief:I will not be able to tolerate losing my useful role in the community.

HFT Belief: It would be hard for me tolerate losing my useful role in the community, but it would be tolerable and worth tolerating because it would help me adjust to my retirement and focus on developing other interests.

Self Depreciation belief:If I lose my useful role this will prove that I am useless.

Self Acceptance Belief:If I were to lose my useful role in the community then this would not render me totally useless. It would be proof that I am a fallible human being who can reach the age of retirement. There is more to me that my work and I cannot legitimately rate my total worth as a person on whether I am retired or not.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

13) Unattractiveness: I must be attractive to look at.

I would like to be more attractive than I am, but I do not have to be.

If I am not attractive then I am an ugly person.

I am not an ugly person but a person who has attractive and unattractive features. Even if I am not as attractive as I would like to be, I am attractive to some people even though I find this hard to acknowledge.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

14) Unfairness to self:Life must be fair.

It would be great if life could be fair to me when I deserve it, but unfortunately it doesn’t have to be.

Unfairness is terrible and I am cannot tolerate it.

Sadly, there is no one-to-one correspondence between what I deserve and what I get. So it is in the interests of my mental health if I accept that it is not terrible to be treated unfairly and that life is a complex mixture of the fair and unfair.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

15) Others withdrawing care and support: In order to feel OK I have to be looked after and supported by other people. I could not bear it if others withdraw their support and care for me.

While I might prefer to be looked after, I do not need to be, and if I seek out others to help me rather than helping myself, I may be comfortable in the short term but remain vulnerable in the long term. Even though it is difficult, uncomfortable and unfamiliar, I can work towards being more resourceful as a person.

Depression-causing philosophy

Anti-depression philosophy

16) Others misfortunePeople absolutely should not experience misfortune when they do not deserve it.

It would be great if life was not cruel in allowing others to experience misfortune when they do not deserve it, but sadly life does not have to be the way I would like it. Life is not terrible for allowing such misfortunes to exist since it is a complex mixture of the fortunate and unfortunate. This philosophy will encourage me to help others when it is appropriate and when I am able to do those things which I could not do if I was depressed.

Concern (HNE)

Anxiety (UNE)

Ego Anxiety Ego Concern

Rigid Belief (Demandingness)

Flexible Belief (Preference)

Self Depreciation Belief

Acceptance Belief

Non Ego Anxiety

Non Ego Concern

Rigid Belief (Demandingness)

Flexible Belief (Preference)

Awfulising Beliefs

Anti-awfulizing Beliefs

Discomfort IntoleranceBeliefs (DIB/LFT)

Discomfort ToleranceBeliefs (DTB/HFT)

Ego Anxiety:Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Ego Concern:Ego general concern-related belief Part 1

1) Failure:I must do well atwork, and if I don’t,I am failure.

I want to do well at work, but I don’t have to do well. If I don’t, I am not failure; I am a fallible human being who can succeed and fail.

2) Poor Performance: I must not perform poorly at work and let other people in my team down and if I do, this proves that I am not good enough.

I would much prefer it if I did not perform poorly at work and let other people in my team down, but I am not immune from doing so. If I do, this does not prove that I am not good enough. It proves that I am fallible human being who can perform well and poorly

Ego Anxiety: Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Ego Concern:Ego general concern-related belief Part 2

3) Not being loved or liked: I must be liked by people I admire, and if I am not, I am not likable

I want to be liked by people I admire, but I don’t have to be. If I am not, it doesn’t prove that I am unlikable. It proves that I am fallible human being who can be liked by some and disliked by others, and who has likable and dislikable features

4) Being Rejected: I must not be rejected by friends for not being intellectual enough, and if I am , this proves that I am a nerd (Nerd means - foolish, inept, or unattractive person)

I would rather not be rejected by friends for not being intellectual enough, but I a not exempt from such rejection. If I am rejected it does not prove that I am a nerd. It proves that I am fallible human being who can be rejected and accepted by people, and who can be viewed as intellectual enough by some and not by others.

Ego Anxiety – Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Ego Concern – Ego general concern-related belief Part 3

5) Being Criticized: I must not be criticized by male authority figures, and if I am then I am an Idiot.

I don’t want to be criticized by male authority figures, but that does not mean that I must not be criticized by them. If I am, it does not mean that I am an idiot. Rather, it means that I am a fallible human being who is capable of doing things that can be praised and criticized by this group.

6) Being Disapproved I must not be disapproved by my mates for being manly, am if I am, I’m a wimp.

I would prefer not to be disapproved by my mates for not being manly, but there is no law of nature that states that I must not be so disapproved. If I am it does not mean that I am a wimp. It means that I am a fallible human being who can be viewed as manly and unmanly by my mates and who can have manly and unmanly features.

Ego Anxiety: Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Ego Concern:Ego general concern-related belief Part 4

7) Someone you value preferring another to you My girlfriend of the moment must not flirt with other men, and if she does, this proves that I am unlovable.

I don’t want my girlfriend of the moment to flirt with other men, but that doesn’t mean that she must not. If she does, this does not prove that I am unlovable. It proves that I am a human being whose worth isn’t dependent upon how my girlfriend of the moment behaves. I am worthy because I am alive, human and fallible.

8) Not having Something you value which someone else has:I must not hear that people at work are doing better than me, and if I do, I am less worthy than them.

I don’t want to hear that people at work are doing better than me, but that doesn’t mean that I must not hear this. If I do, it does not mean that I am less worthy than them. I am equal in worthy to them whether they do better than me or I do better than them.

Ego Anxiety :Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Ego Concern:Ego general concern-related belief Part 5

9) Acting poorly in public :I must not say stupid things in formal gathering, and if I do, I am stupid

I don’t want to say stupid things in formal gatherings, but I am not exempt from doing so. If I do, I am not stupid; rather, I am a fallible human being who can say intelligent things, stupid things and neutral things in formal gatherings.

10) Failing to achieve your ideal I must not eat high-fat foods when I am on a low-fat diet, and if I do, I am a greedy pig.

I would rather not eat high-fat foods when I am on a low-fat diet, but I am not immune from doing so. I do, I am not a greedy pig; rather I am a fallible human being who at times has difficulty sticking to a diet.

Non Ego Anxiety – general anxiety related beliefs (GAB)

Non Ego Concern – Non Ego general concern-related belief

Irrational Belief Rational Belief

Non Ego Anxiety: Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Non Ego Concern: Non Ego general concern-related beliefs Part 1

1) Frustration: I must not be late forappointments and it would be terrible if I were

I don’t want to be late for appointments, but there is no law decreeing that I must not be late. If I were to be late, it would be bad, but not terrible

2) Discomfort: I must not be uncomfortable when talking to people and it would be unbearable if I were

I would prefer not being uncomfortable when talking to people, but I am not exempt from being uncomfortable under these circumstances. If I were to be, It would be difficult to tolerate, but it would not be unbearable and it would be worth bearing.

Non Ego Anxiety:Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Non Ego Concern: Non Ego general concern-related beliefs Part 2

3) Emotional Pain:I must not become anxious when I am in enclosed spaces and it would be intolerable if I were.

It would be much better for me not to become anxious when I am in enclosed spaces, but there is no reason why I must not experience such anxiety. If I do, it would be hard to tolerate, but I could do so and it would be worth tolerating.

4) Non-ego loss:I must not loose any of my valuable possessions and it would be horrible if I were to.

I don’t want to lose any of my valuable possessions, but this doesn’t mean that I must not. If I do it would be a misfortune, but it wouldn’t be horrible.

Non Ego Anxiety: Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Non Ego Concern:Non Ego general concern-related beliefs Part 3

5)Unfairness/Injustice to self or others:I must not be treated unfairly at work and it would be awful if I were to be

It would be desirable for me not to be treated unfairly at work, but this is not a necessity. If I were to be treated unfairly at work it would not be good, but hardly awful.

6) Loss of Control: I must not lose control of my thoughts and I wouldn’t be able to bear losing such control

I really don’t want to lose control of my thoughts, but I am not immune from so doing. If I do lose such control, it would be a struggle to bear, but I could definitely bear it and it would be in my interests to do so.

Non Ego Anxiety:Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Non Ego Concern:Non Ego general concern-related belief Part 4

7) Uncertainty:I must know that my loved ones are safe and I wouldn’t be able to bear losing such control

I much prefer knowing that my loved ones are safe, but I don’t need to know this. Not knowing this would be hard to stand, but I could do so and it would be worth it to me to do just this.

8) Health/illness:I must know that my loved ones are safe and I wouldn’t be able to stand not knowing

I don’t want there to be a possibility that I might get cancer, but that doesn’t mean that I must have this immunity. If there were a chance that I might get cancer it would be hard for me to bear this, but I could do so. Also, it would be in my best interests to bear this possibility.

Non Ego Anxiety: Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Non Ego Concern:Non Ego general concern-related belief Part 5

9) Loss of Security:My parents must be around to look after me and It would be the end of the world if they weren't.

I want my parents to be here to look after me, but they don’t have to be. If there are not, that would be very sad, but not the end of the world.

10) Conflict:Family members must not argue and I wouldn’t be able to bear it if they did

I don’t want family members to argue, but this doesn’t mean that this must not happen. If they do argue, it would be hard for me to bear, but I could bear it and it is worth it to me to do so.

Non Ego Anxiety: Ego general anxiety related beliefs

Non Ego Concern:Non Ego general concern-related belief Part 5

9) Loss of Security:My parents must be around to look after me and It would be the end of the world if they weren't.

I want my parents to be here to look after me, but they don’t have to be. If there are not, that would be very sad, but not the end of the world.

10) Conflict:Family members must not argue and I wouldn’t be able to bear it if they did

I don’t want family members to argue, but this doesn’t mean that this must not happen. If they do argue, it would be hard for me to bear, but I could bear it and it is worth it to me to do so.

Ego Anxiety Ego ConcernRigid Belief (Demandingness)

Flexible Belief (Preference)

Self Depreciation Belief

Acceptance Belief

Non Ego Anxiety Non Ego Concern

Rigid Belief (Demandingness)

Flexible Belief (Preference)

Awfulising Beliefs Anti-awfulizing Beliefs

Discomfort IntoleranceBeliefs (LFT)

Discomfort ToleranceBeliefs (HFT)

Ego Disturbance Ego Health Part - 1

I must:“I must do well in my exams and if I don't, I'm no good.”

I want . .But I don’t have to:“I would like to do well in my exams, but I don't have to do so. If I don't, I can accept myself as a fallible human being who is not doing as well as she likes.”

“I must be loved and approved by certain people in my life, and if I'm not, that proves I'm no good.''

“I want to be loved and approved by certain people in my life, but I don't have to be. If I am not, that's a shame but itdoes not prove I'm no good. I am the same person whether I am loved and approved or not.''

Ego Disturbance Ego Health Part - 2

You must “If you don't treat me nicely, it proves that you don't think much of me. You must think well of me and if you don't, it means that I am no longer any good as a person.”

I want you to. . . ..But You don’t have to:“If you don't treat me nicely, it means that you don't think much of me.

I would like you to think well of me, but you don't have to do so.

If you don't, I can still accept myself as aperson.''

Life must:“Life conditions under which I live must be easy for me. If they are not then that's just proof of my own worthlessness.''

I want life to. . ButIt doesn’t have to:“I want life conditions under which I live to be easy for me, but it doesn't have to be that way.

If they are not easy thenthat does not prove that I am worthless.

I can accept myself whatever life conditions I face.''

Non Ego (Discomfort) Disturbance)

Non Ego Health Part - 1(Discomfort Tolerance)

I must:“If I don't obtain my degree, I might have to settle for some kind of tedious, manual job. I must achieve morethan this and couldn't stand the hardship if I don't.''

I want . .But I don’t have to:“If I don't obtain my degree, I might have to settle for some kind of tedious, manual job. I want to achieve more that this, but I don't have to do so. If I don't, it would be a struggle for me to tolerate the hardship, but I could bear it and it would be worth it to me to do so.''

You must “You must treat me nicely and look after me. I couldn't stand the hard life I'd be faced with if you do not.''

I want you to. . .But You don’t have to:“I want you to treat me nicely, but you don't have to do so. If you don't, it would difficult for me to put up with the hard life I'd be faced with, but I can do so and it is worth it to me to do so.''

Non Ego (Discomfort) Disturbance)

Non Ego Health Part - 2(Discomfort Tolerance)

Life must:“I must not be frustrated by my car breaking down when I'm just about to use it. I am so frustrated, I cannot stand it.'‘

I want life to. . But It doesn’t have to:“I don't want the frustration of my car breaking down when I'm just about to use it, but I don't have to have my desires met. If it did break down, that would be a pain, but I can stand the frustration if it did.''

“When I join a queue for some service, I must be served quickly. I can't stand delays in getting what I want.''

“When I join a queue for some service, I want to be served quickly, but I don't have to be. Although it is a struggle, I can stand delays in getting what I want and it is worth it to me to do so

Sorrow (HNE)

Hurt (UNE)

Hurt related Inferences What others have done

What others have failed to do

1) Being Unfairly Criticized

1) Being Neglected

2) Being Rejected 2) Being unfairly Excluded

3) Being disapproved by the other Person

3) Not being Appreciated

4) Being Betrayed by the Others

4) Deprived me of what I deserved

5) Being Used

What others have done : Examples

What others have failed to do : Examples

My friend Swapna told another friend Merry something that I told her in confidence

My friend Ruchita did not ask me to join her coffee morning group:

I asked Meghna what she thought of my haircut and she said she did not like it.

Shubhangi did not reply to my text asking for a favor even though I have done her several favors previously

I heard them laughing when they were told I was rejected by my boyfriend.

The social group to which I had given my time freely did not thank me for my efforts, but thanked Geeta for her work even though she devoted less time than I did.

General Hurt Related Irrational Beliefs

Rational alternatives to general Hurt related Irrational Beliefs Part - 1

People whom I have trusted must not betray that trust and it is terrible when they do

I don’t want people whom I have trusted to betray that trust, but sadly and regretfully that does not mean that they must not do so. It is very bad but not terrible, when they do so”

I must not be excluded by friends when others have been included. If I am, it proves that I am worthless

I very much want to be included by friends when others have been included, but it is not essential that I am. If I am excluded that is bad, but it does not prove that I am worthless. My worth depends on me being alive and human and not on whether friends includes me or not.

General Hurt Related IB

Rational alternatives to general Hurt related Irrational Beliefs - 2

When I do favors for people, they must reciprocate, and I can’t bear it when they don’t. Poor me!

When I do favours for people, it is desirable, but not absolutely necessary, for them to reciprocate. When they don’t do so, that is tough to bear, but I can bear it and its worth bearing. I am not a poor person when this happens. Rather it is a poor situation to be in.

People close to me must not forget events that are special to me. If they do, this means that they don’t care for me and this proves that I am not worth caring about.

It is important to me that people close to me do not forget events that are special to me, but this does not mean that they must not do so. If they do forget, it does not follow that they don’t care for me, but even if this is the case I am still worth caring about. My worth is not altered by whether or not people care for me.

Hurt related World View and Inferences

Sorrow related World View and Inferences - 1

World View - When I do a lot for those close to me, they will fail to reciprocate.Inference - People close to me will let me down.

World View – When I do a lot for people, most will reciprocate, but some will not.Inference – Only a few people close to me will let me down

World View - If I trust those close to me they will often betray me, while I would not betray them.Inference - People close to me will betray me

World View – I will not betray the trust of those close to me and they will usually not betray me, although a minority will.Inference – Only few people close to me will betray me.

Hurt related World View and Inferences

Sorrow related World View and Inferences - 2

World View - Significant others will act unfairly towards me, while I would not be unfair to them.Inference - I will not get what I deserve from significant others.

World View – I will be fair to significant others and they will in the main be fair to me, although a few wont Inference – I will get what I deserve from most significant others, but not all.

World View - Those close to me will often exclude or neglect me for no good reason.Inference - If I learn that people close to me are doing things with each other when I have not been invited, this is evidence that I have been excluded or neglected.

World View - Those close to me will often exclude or neglect me for no good reason, but will only do so rarelyInference - If I learn that people close to me are doing things with each other when I have not been invited, then there is probably good reason why I was not invited

Disappointment(HNE)

Shame(UNE)

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal

Rigid Belief:‘I must not fall short of my idealSelf Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because I have fallen short, I am an inadequate person’

Situation: Robert’s ideal was to handle matters without showing anger. One day at work he lost his temper in front of his work colleagues.

Rigid Belief:‘I must not lose my temper in public 

Self Depreciation Belief:…and because I have lost temper in public, I am an inadequate person.’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference2) Shame about Letting down a reference group

Rigid Belief: ‘I must not let my reference group down’Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because I have let them down, I am a shameful person’

Situation: Petra belongs to a gang whose code of honor is always to support one another no matter what. Let’s suppose further that Petra breaks that code by failing to support another gang member, thus letting down the gang.

Rigid Belief: I absolutely should not have betrayed my fellow gang member.Self Depreciation Belief:‘….and because I did, I am a shameful person.’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference3) Shame about being let Down by a member of her Reference group

Rigid Belief: ‘A member of my reference group must not let me and the group down’Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because they have let us down, it proves that we are inadequate’

Situation: One of Adele’s reference group that she holds dear considers crying in public to be a ‘let down’. One day, Fred, a member of Adele’s reference group, cried in front of others: she viewed this as Fred letting her reference group down. Adele felt ashamed of Fred’s ‘let down’ behaviour

Rigid Belief:‘Fred absolutely should not have broken down in tears in front of other peopleSelf Depreciation Belief: ‘……and because he did it proves that we are all (in our reference group) inadequate, weak, spineless individuals.’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference4) Shame when being Judged negatively in a Shame- Related ContextRigid Belief: ‘Others must not judge me negatively…’Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because they have judged me negatively, it proves that I am inadequate’.

Situation:Michael spoke up in a social context and mentioned something that was a taboo in that group. Michael thought that those present turned away from him in disgust. He felt ashamed about this negative judgment.

Rigid Belief:‘This group absolutely should not have turned away from me in disgust..’ Self Depreciation Belief:‘….and because they did, it proves that I am inadequate.’

The Major Shame-Based negative Self-Judgments

• ‘I am defective’• ‘I am insignificant’• ‘I am not good enough’• ‘I am weak/pathetic’• ‘I am disgusting’

Irrational Belief (Shame)

Rational Belief (Disappointment)

Rigid Belief:I absolutely should not have revealed a weakness by crying in front of my boss

Flexible Belief: I wish that I hadn’t revealed a weakness by crying in front of my boss, but there is no reason why I absolutely shouldn’t have done so

Self Depreciation Belief: If I show a weakness to my boss by crying in front of him, then I am a weak, defective person.

Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:If I cry in front of my boss and thus reveal a weakness to him, this does not make me a weak, defective person. Rather I am a fallible human being who on this occasion acted weakly.

Irrational Belief (Shame)

Rational Belief (Disappointment)

Rigid Belief:I must not stammer in public and if I do this would prove that I am defective

Flexible Belief: I would much prefer it if I did not stammer in public, but there is no reason why I must not do so. If I stammer in public this would only prove that I am a fallible human being with a speech defect. I would not be a defective person

Self Depreciation Belief: If I stammer, people will laugh at me which they must not do. If they laugh at me, this will prove once again that I am defective

Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:There is no reason why people must not laugh at me if I stammer, although I would much prefer it if they didn’t. But if they do I can once again accept myself as a person with a speech defect. If they think I am a defective person, they are wrong.

Chronic shame based General Rational Belief

How to deal with Chronic Shame

I must ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected must always achieve the highest of standards and be socially approved and if not it proves that we are defective disgusting or diminished.

I would like to ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected always achieve the highest standards and be socially approved, but I do not have to do so. If I do not it would be unfortunate, but it would prove that we are not defective, disgusting or diminished. Rather, it would prove that we are fallible human beings and that does not change whether or not we are humiliated and disapproved of.

Irrational Belief (Shame)

Rational Belief (Disappointment)

I must not fall short of my high social standards, and I am defective if I do

I really don’t want to fall very short of my high social standards, but that does not mean that I must not do so. If I do that It would be unfortunate, but it would not prove that I am defective. Rather it proves that I am fallible.

Irrational Belief -Dealing with Shame about Shame (Shame)

Rational Belief -Dealing with shame about shame (Disappointment)

I must not fall from grace by experiencing shame and I am defective for so doing

I would much prefer not to fall from grace by experiencing shame, but that doesn’t mean that I must not have this feeling. If I do, it's unfortunate, but does not prove I am defective. It proves that I am an ordinary, fallible human being capable of experiencing a range of healthy and unhealthy emotions including shame. Shame does not and cannot define me.

Irrational Belief (Shame)

Rational Belief (Disappointment)

I must not fall short of my high social standards and I am defective if I do

I really don’t want to fall very short of my high

I absolutely should not have revealed this weakness and I am a weak person for doing so

I would have much preferred not to have revealed this weakness, but sadly I am not immune from doing so and neither do I have to be so immune. I am not a weak person for revealing this weakness, rather I am a fallible human being who is capable of acting weakly and strongly

View of the world Founded on Shame-based Irrational beliefsWorld view: Inference:

There is always the danger that I will not achieve my ideal standards.

I have not reached my ideal and am showing a weakness.

Social situations are dangerous because I may be exposed at any moment.

If I reveal a weakness, no matter how small, people will easily spot this.

Social situations are dangerous because other people will judge me negatively if I put a foot wrong.

If I reveal a weakness, people will judge me negatively.

Regret/Remorse

(HNE)

Guilt (UNE)

Guilt-related inferences Part - 1 1) You have broken your moral or ethical code (Sin of commission - You have done the wrong thing)

Examples :• You took stationery from work without

asking for permission.• You cheated on your partner.• You made racist remarks

• Guilt about abortion of three months child

Guilt-related inferences Part - 22) You failed to live up to your

moral or ethical code (Sin of omission - You have failed to do the right thing )

• Examples • You failed to help someone who

required assistance.• You do not pray every day.• You did not give to charity.

Guilt-related inferences Part - 3 3) You have harmed or hurt the feelings

of othersExamples • You forgot your mother’s birthday with the

result that she felt hurt.• You told your child off so that she cried.• You got someone into trouble at work.• Vikas who lived with his parents all his life,

when he left home he became very guilty and regarded himself a rotten person for hurting their feelings

Guilt Remorse 1) Breaking a moral or ethical code:

Rigid Belief about such a Code Violation:‘I must not break my moral or ethical code’

Self Depreciation Belief:I am a bad person if I break my moral/ethical code

Flexible Belief about such a Code Violation: I don’t want to break my moral/ethical code but that does not mean that I must not do so.Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:I am not a bad person if I break my moral/ethical code. I’m a fallible human being who has done a wrong thing.

Example of Breaking a moral or ethical code:Situation: Carla broke one of her moral rules by badmouthing one friend to another friend

Rigid Belief about such a Code Violation:I absolutely should not have badmouthed my friend Self Depreciation Belief:…..and because I did I am a bad person.’

Flexible Belief about such a code violation: I really wish that I had not badmouthed my friend, but I am not immune from doing so and nor do I have to be thus immune.Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:I am not a bad person for doing so. I am a complex, fallible human being who did the wrong thing.

Guilt Remorse

2) Not living up to a moral or ethical code:

Rigid Belief about such a Failure:I must live up to my moral/ethical codeSelf Depreciation Belief:I am rotten if I don’t live up to my moral/ethical code.

Flexible Belief about such a Failure:I would prefer to live up to my moral/ethical code, but I don’t have to do so.Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief: I am not rotten if I don’t live up to my moral/ethical code. I am a unique person who failed to do the right thing.

Example of Not living up to a moral or ethical codeSituation: Jack thought that giving to charity was the right thing to do, but he failed to give a donation on one occasion because he was in a hurry.

Rigid Belief about such a Failure:‘I absolutely should have given a donation’Self Depreciation Belief:‘…..and because I didn’t I am a bad person.’

Flexible belief about such a failure:‘I really wish that I had given a donation, but unfortunately there is no law of the universe decreeing that I absolutely should have done so. Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:I am not bad person for failing to do so. Rather, I am a fallible person who failed on this occasion to do the right thing.

Guilt Remorse3) Harming or hurting the feelings of someone else:

Rigid Belief about such Harm or Hurt:I must nor hurt/harm others.Self Depreciation Belief:I am a selfish person if I hurt others.

Flexible Belief about such Harm or Hurt:I would prefer not to hurt others, but I am not immune from doing so and I don’t have such immunity.Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:I am not a selfish person if I hurt others. Rather, I am a complex, fallible human being if I do so.

Example of Harming or hurting the feelings of someone else:Situation: Linda felt remorse for upsetting her partner when they decided to go to visit her parents rather than his. 

Rigid Belief about such Harm or Hurt:‘I upset him, which I must not doSelf Depreciation Belief:‘….. and this proves what a bad, selfish person I am.’

Flexible Belief about such Harm or Hurt:‘My partner is upset about not seeing his parents and I am the cause of his upset. I wish I had not upset him, but sadly that does not mean that I must not do so. Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:I am not a bad selfish person, but a fallible human being who upset him on this occasion.

The different consequences of chronic guilt and routinely and appropriately experienced remorse

Chronic guilt RemorseYou feel guilty much of the time.

You only feel remorse when it is clear that you have ‘sinned’.

You are easily manipulated by others.

You are not easily manipulated by others.

You fail to stand up for yourself.

You stand up for yourself.

You fail to practise self-care. You practice self-care.

You think that you are responsible for others upset feelings.

You think that while you may con-tribute to others upset feelings, you are not responsible for them.

Inference in relation to personal domain about Guilt – • Violation of moral code (sin of commission) • Failure to live up to moral code (sin of omission)• Hurts the feelings of a significant other

Guilt and Thinking consequences Remorse & Thinking consequences

You conclude that you have definitely committed the ‘sin’.

You take into account all relevant data when judging whether or not you have ‘sinned’.

You assume more personal responsibility than the situation warrants.

You assume an appropriate level of personal responsibility.

You assign far less responsibility to others than is warranted.

You assign an appropriate level of responsibility to others.

You dismiss possible mitigating factors for your behaviour.

You take into account mitigating factors

You only see your behaviour in a guilt-related context and fail to put it into an overall context

You put your behaviour into an overall context.

You think that you will receive retribution.

You think you may be penalized rather than receive retribution.

Inference in relation to personal domain about Guilt – • Violation of moral code (sin of commission) • Failure to live up to moral code (sin of omission)• Hurts the feelings of a significant other

Guilt & Unconstructive Behaviours Remorse & Constructive Behaviours

You escape from the unhealthy pain of guilt in self-defeating ways.

You face up to the healthy pain that accompanies the realization that you have ‘sinned’.

You beg forgiveness from theperson you have wronged.

You ask, but do not beg, for forgiveness.

You promise unrealistically that you will not ‘sin’ again.

You understand the reasons for your wrongdoing and act on your understanding.

You punish yourself physically or by deprivation.

You atone for the ‘sin’ by taking a penalty.

You defensively disclaim responsibility for wrong doing.

You make appropriate amends.

You reject offers of forgiveness. You do not make excuses for your behaviour or enact other defensive behaviour.You do accept offers of forgiveness.

Annoyance (HNE)

Anger(UNE)

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences 1) Another person (or group of people) breaks a socially agreed rule, a legal rule or one’s own rule a) Person breaks socially agreed rule - Someone jumps a supermarket queue. b) Person breaks legal rule - Someone drives through a red light. c) Person breaks individual’s rule - Someone turns up late for an appointment with an individual

a) Being stuck in a traffic jam. b) Another person blocking the person’s promotion. c) Missing a train connection.

2) Being blocked or frustrated in her progress  towards a goal

3) Injustice/Unfairness

a) The person being promised a raise if she works overtime but not receiving it, even though she kept her side of the bargain. b) Being prosecuted for a crime that the person did not commit. c) Another person being prosecuted for a crime that they did not commit. d) A child being shouted at unfairly by a

parent.

4) Threat to Self-esteem

a) Rejection b) Being criticised c) Being ridiculed.

5) Being treated with Disrespect

1) Another person (or group of people) breaks a socially agreed rule, a legal rule or one’s own rule• The person must not jump the queue and he is a

selfish rotten person for doing so (person breaks socially agreed rule).

• The person absolutely should not have driven through a red light and is an inconsiderate bastard for doing so (person breaks legal rule).

• The person absolutely should not have turned up late for an appointment with me and is a swine for doing so (person breaks her own personal rule).

2) Being blocked or frustrated in her progress  towards a goal

• ‘I must not be stuck in the traffic jam (rigid demand) and I can’t stand it that I am (LFT belief ). Whoever is responsible for this is a bastard (other-depreciation belief ).’

• ‘Fred blocked my promotions. He absolutely should not have done this (rigid demand) and he is a swine for doing so (other-depreciation belief ).’

• ‘I missed my train connection because I left home too late. I absolutely should not have done this (rigid demand) and I am an idiot for doing so (self-depreciation belief ).

3) Injustice/Unfairness• ‘I was promised a raise if I worked overtime.

I worked overtime but was not given the promised raise. My boss absolutely should not be so unfair to me (rigid demand).

It is intolerable (LFT belief ) and he is a bastard for breaking his promise (other-depreciation belief ).’

• ‘I was prosecuted for a crime that I did not commit. The justice system stinks for doing something to me (depreciation belief about life conditions) that it absolutely should not have done (rigid demand).’

• ‘A colleague of mine was prosecuted for a crime that she did not commit. The police are bastards (other-depreciation belief ) for doing something to her that they absolutely should not have been allowed to get away with (rigid demand).

I can’t tolerate this injustice (LFT belief ).’

4) Unhealthy anger about a threat to her Self-esteem

• ‘I must not be criticised and if I am it proves that I am an inadequate person.’

• ‘You must not criticize me and remind me that I am an inadequate person and you are no good for doing so.’

5) Unhealthy anger about being treated with disrespect

Unhealthy Anger & Thinking consequences

Healthy Anger & Thinking consequences

Overestimates the extent to which the other person acted deliberately

Does not overestimate the extent to which the other person acted deliberately

Sees malicious intent in the motives of others

Does not see malicious intent in the motives of the other(s)

Self seen as definitely right; other(s) seen as definitely wrong

Does not see self as definitely right and the other(s) as definitely wrong

Unable to see the other person’s point of view

Able to see the other’s point of view

Plots to exact revenge Does not plot to exact revenge

Unhealthy Anger and Unconstructive Behaviours

Healthy Anger and Constructive Behaviours

To attack the other physically

To attack the other verbally

To attack the other passive-aggressively

To displace the attack on to another person, animal or object

To withdraw aggressively

To recruit allies against the other

To assert self with the other

To request, but not demand, behavioural change from the other

To non-aggressively leave an unsatisfactory situation after taking steps to deal with it

view of the world founded on unhealthy anger-based irrational beliefs

World view: Inference:

It’s a dog eat dog world. People’s actions will often be vicious and attacking.

People only look after themselves and their own.

People’s motives are primarily influenced by selfishness.

There’s no such thing as an accident. People always act with deliberation.

When people transgress the rules, they do so deliberately.

People are out to get me, so I need to get them before they get me.

People’s actions are designed to harm me.