S. T. E. P.SYSTEMATIC TRAINING

FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

Effective Parenting Requires Patience.

Take one Step at a time

Topics

Understanding Children’s Behavior Understanding More about Your Child and Your self as a

parent Communication Discipline and Consequences Family time Stress and conflict management Anger control tools Co-Parenting Managing blended-family dynamics Life-long Influences of Fathering on Female Psychosocial

Development Avoiding common parenting mistakes

Understanding BehaviorSeveral popular ways to explain children’s behavior

1. Behavior is primarily the result of heredity“She’s just like her dad”“She has her mother’s personality”

2. Behavior depends on environmental influences“If he didn’t hang around his dad’s family he wouldn’t act like that”

3. Behavior simply occurs in stages- is predictable around certain ages.

Taking the S. T. E. P.Approach

Look For The Goal

1. Observe you own reaction to the children’s misbehavior. Your feelings point to the child’s goal.

2. Observe the child’s response to your attempts at correction.The child’s response to your behavior will also let you know what The child is after…

“Train yourself to look at the results of the misbehavior rather than simplySeeing the behavior itself”.

Four Goals of Misbehavior

1.Attention2.Power3.Revenge4.Display of Inadequacy

ATTENTION

The desire for attention is universalIn young children.

POWERPower seeking children feel they are significant only when they are BOSS.

“No one can force me to do anything”“I know already”

RULES

Refrain from getting angry

Disengage from the power struggle

REVENGEChildren who pursue revenge are convinced that they are not lovableThat they are significant only when they are able to hurt/control others as they believe they have been Hurt/controlled

They find a place by being cruel an disliked

Child’s revengeful behavior stems from discouragement

RULES

Do not retaliate .

Remain calm

DISPLAY OF INADEQUACY

Children who display inadequacy, or disability, are extremely discouraged.

“ cant do it”….”I don’t know how”

They attempt to keep others from expecting anythingfrom them since they have given up hope of succeeding

RULES

Eliminate all criticism

Focus instead on the child’s assets, strengths

Encourage any effort to improve no matter how small it seems

Understanding Behavior Points to Remember•Effective parenting requires patience. Take one step at a time

•Liberate yourself through a democratic relationship with your child. doing so will make all members of the family more responsible and more capable.

•Democratic procedures permit choice

•All behavior has a social purpose. The goal of misbehavior are: Attention-Power-Revenge-or Display of Inadequacy.

•Your response feelings about a child’s misbehavior point to the purpose of his/her goal

Understanding Behavior Points to Remember

• Change the child's behavior by changing yours. • Do what she or he does not expects• Show appreciation for positive behaviors, unless

they are meant only to gain attention• Withdraw from power struggles and Do not

retaliate with the revengeful child• Focus on the child’s assets and strengths rather

than finding fault• Show confidence• A child who seeks power often has a parent who

likes to boss others• A child who displays inadequacy is not unable;

rather lack belief in his/her ability

Understanding your child and yourself as a parent

People are social beings- main goal is to belong

Children who misbehave are often discouraged

Do not believe they can belong in useful ways

Their misbehavior is for the purpose ofAttention-Power-Revenge or Display of Inadequacy

Emotion

Lifestyle

The “Good” Parent

Emotions

Necessary aspect of our makeup

Where do emotions come from?Why do we feel happy, angry or annoyed?Why are some parents better at handling emotions then others?

Friendly and trustworthy=

positive feelings and closeness

Unfriendly and untrustworthy=

create hostile feelings to keep them away

We feel as we believe.

Parents often become annoyed and angry with children because the child will not do what the parent wants

These hostile feeling serve the purpose ofControlling the child

Children can use emotions to manipulate parents/others. •Tears-Water power

•Sensitive-Fragile-Need Protection•NOT! They are often far from weak-very powerful•Use their feelings to force other to treat them as special•Once parents recognize this they are in a position to influence their children.•Get out of the vicious cycle by refraining from reacting•Becoming responsible for ones one emotions is a necessary •Part of growth and sets a good example for the children

Lifestyle

We develop beliefs about •Who we are•Who and What others are•And what is important

We form our most BASIC beliefs when we are young

Beliefs characterize or describe our lifestyle

4 Major Factors Influence lifestyle

•Family atmosphere and values•Gender roles•Family constellations•Methods of training

Good Parents are the Worst

One of the greatest handicaps a child can suffer is being raised by a good parent.

Good parents are so involved with their children that they believe they must do everything for the children.

Become servants to their children

Parents must allow our children to make some decisions and experience the Consequences , positive or negative. ( Dangerous situations excluded)

The goals is to teach your child the valueof mutual respect through modeling it

Parents deny their children opportunitiesto learn this concept when they

ControlDominate

OverprotectPity.

Communication, time together and mutual respect are the biggest and strongest links in cementing the family foundation.

Parents have the power within them to turn the biggest relationship challenges into successful bonding experiences.

COMMUNICATION

“Do you talk with your child?”

“Sure I talk to my child.”

Which role do you play

Commander in Chief The Moralist The Know it all The Judge The Critic The Psychologist The Consoler

Effective Listeners Use Reflective Listening

Communication begins by listening and indicating you hear the child’s feelings and meanings

Establish eye contact and posture which indicates you are listening

Avoid nagging criticizing threatening, lecturing, probing an ridiculing

Treat the child the way you want to be treatedAccept the child's feelingsUse reflective listeningGive open responses that state what the other person

feels and meansLet the child learn resist the impulse to impose your

solutions

Example

Child: That teacher is unfair! I’ll never do well in that stupid class

Parent: You’re feeling angry and disappointed and you’ve given up.

Example

Child: I’m really disappointed with Billy and the other kids for not coming over to play with me. There's nothing to do

Parent closed response: Well, thing don’t always go the way you want them to. Tha’ts life

Parent open response: If seems like they don’t care about you, and you're feeing kinda left out huh?

Parents comments

Why say the child’s words back to his/her

I don’t like to have to stop and think before I give a response

I feel silly saying things like that