dr. bruce hekman, calvin college. “the natural condition of life for human beings is reciprocal...
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Schools and Classrooms as Communities of Grace
Dr. Bruce Hekman, Calvin College
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“The natural condition of life for human beings is reciprocal rootedness in others.”
Dallas Willard
Biblical community
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“When God’s people are called out of the world, they are called into fellowship, into what the New Testament calls koinonia. We drink from a common cup of blessing; we break a common bread; we are connected as branches to a common vine; we are fingers and toes of a common body. We belong to Jesus and thus to each other.” Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
Biblical community
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We are all image bearers of God, but none of us reflects all of who God is. Only in community do we begin to reflect the amazing diversity and creativity of God.
COMMUNITY IS LIKE A ROCK POLISHER:
TRANSFORMATIVE.
Biblical community
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Working out grace in schools
Respect
The dance of the porcupines
Gratitude and celebration
Hospitality
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Should there be conflict in a Christian community?
The dance of the porcupines
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“Conflict not only is possible in Christian community, it may be a necessary by-product of community that is an important catalyst for growth as we learn to adjust to the differences caused by the diversity of community. No conflict may suggest no diversity, and possibly no growth.”
Walter Wright, p. 139 Relational Leadership
“Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen. Tensions come from conflicts…A tension or difficulty can signal the approach of a new grace of God. But it has to be looked at wisely and humanly.”
Jean Vanier, p. 120-121, Community and Growth
Should there be conflict in a Christian community?
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Community is the place
where the person you least
want to live with always
lives.
Henri Nouwen
The dance of the porcupines
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You can develop a healthy robust community that lives right with God and enjoys its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor. James 3:18 (The Message)
The dance of the porcupines
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Peacekeeping or peacemaking?
Peacekeeping avoids conflict and seeks appeasement.
Peacemaking (God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.)
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Here’s the rub: How do you pursue the beautiful dream of
community with actual real-life people? Weird, not-normal, as-
is, dysfunctional people? How do you get close without getting
hurt?Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them
Dance of the porcupines
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ELEPHANTS in the ROOM
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Elephants…
Teacher who refuses to teach another grade
Teacher who refuses to use technology
Two teachers – gossip/back-stab
Part-time and full-time obligations
Shrinking school enrollments
Changing demographics
Principal strugglesTeacher who played a game with students online...blurring boundaries
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A culture of high expectations
Embracing changes in pedagogy
A culture of mutual respect, honour, integrity
Professionalism
A culture of honesty
Mutual accountability
Wanting the best for ourselves and each other
Building on strengths, not focusing on deficits
A culture of gratitude: celebrations...not complaining
Students and teachers thriving
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Relationships in a community of grace
BasicConcepts:
Good relationships are the basis for learning and growth and strong communities.
Anything that affects relationships (such as inappropriate behaviours) impacts the community and its growth.
Confronting inappropriate behaviour needs to be experienced as an opportunity for learning.
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The story of David and Nathan (2 Samuel 12)
“John Wesley had a beautiful phrase for this; he called it ‘watching over one another in love.’”
Ortberg, p. 173
Conflict and confrontation
Anything that is subject to human limitation or error requires the
collegial presence of another person to ensure responsibility. It is a fact of life.
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Adversarial (Blame) approach:
“What happened, who is to blame, what punishment or sanction is needed?”
Restorative approach:“What happened, what harm has resulted and what needs to happen to make things right?”
Grace-filled confrontation
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The Matthew 18 principle
1. If there is conflict2. You3. Go4. To the person5. In private6. And discuss the problem7. For the purpose of
reconciliation.
1. Acknowledge conflict2. I must own responsibility3. Approach, don’t avoid
the person you are in conflict with
4. No third parties5. Use sensitivity6. Direct communication7. Aim at reconciliation
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Is my practice...• Respectful (distinguishing person from behaviour)• Fair (engaging, with explanations & clarify
expectations• Restorative (by repairing harm and building
relationships)
Does my practice...• Develop empathy (through reflection, insight &
learning• Enhance responsibility and accountability• Promote positive behaviourial change
Restorative practice checklist
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The goal: a new life
Admonition
Confession
Repentance
Forgiveness
Transformation/Restoration
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Crucial Confrontations
What do you do when other people aren’t doing what they’re supposed to do? How do you deal with broken promises, violated expectations, and …bad behavior?
To confront means to hold someone accountable, face to face, so that problems are resolved and relationships grow.
The ability to hold others accountable lies at the very center of a person’s ability to exert influence.
From Crucial Confrontations, 2005, Patterson et al.
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Work on me first. Effective problem solvers observe an
infraction and then tell themselves a complete and accurate story. They ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do that?” In other words, we’re curious instead of boiling mad.
What and If. What are we confronting? A broken promise, a gap, a difference between what you expected and what actually happened? Should you confront or accept?
Content—an immediate problem
Pattern—habits
Relationships—trust? competence? respect?
“If you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out.” Crucial Confrontations
Crucial confrontations:Learning the skills
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“Your old life is dead…. And that means killing off everything
connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy….make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk. Don’t lie to each other…”
Colossians 3: 3-10 The Message
R—resentment A—anxiety G—greed S—superiority
Getting rid of our RAGS
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Effective problem solvers observe an infraction and then tell
themselves a complete and accurate story. They ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do that?” In other words, we’re curious instead of boiling mad.
Confront with safety: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
Ambrose Bierce
What are we confronting? A broken promise, a gap, a difference between what you expected and what actually happened.
Crucial confrontations:Learning the skills
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Crucial confrontations:Learning the skills
Ask for permission
Speak in private
Start with the facts – describe the gap
End with a question: “What happened?”
Listen for motivation and ability
Agree on a plan and follow up
Stay focused and flexible
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The first rule of St. Benedict’s “Rule of Life:” “Listen, carefully, my
son, to the master’s instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart.”
“Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” James 1:19
“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” Richard Moss
Select time and place (free from distractions)
Listen until they are satisfied
Listen! (and not just to the words)
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Speak
“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who
hear them.”Ephesians 4:29
Listen long; talk short.
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“…speaking the truth in love, we will in all
things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.” Ephesians 4: 15
“Therefore, each of us must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one body.” Ephesians 5:21
Graceful confrontation
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“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:1-5
Conflict and confrontation
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Conflict and confrontation
“Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one body.”
Ephesians 4:25
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21
“...warn those who are idle, encourage the
timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” I
Thess. 5:14
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“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and
dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3: 12-14
“When love is absent, the school will fail.” Educating for Responsible Action, Nicholas
Wolterstorff
Above all, love.