Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Communication
Ed Batista
@ Flixster
July 24, 2014
Photo: Seth Anderson
Who am I?
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
www.edbatista.com
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we1:1 communication
Group norms
You & your colleagues
going?
How will weConcepts
Exercises & debriefs
1:1 feedback
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]
Startups ashuman systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamics
Communication = survival
Feedback = learning
Relationships matter
Leaders as levers
ReadMore
Founder as avatarAvatara
The ideal made real
Company made in your image
Concepts #1Today’s headline
The simplest feedback model
Feelings
The net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
The headlineFeedback is stressful
So criticize with skill
& give more heartfelt praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
ReadMore
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
FeelingsDisclosing feelings = vulnerable
But feelings influence
And vulnerability closeness
Comfort with discomfort
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]
The netDavid Bradford
How to improve communication?
How to create closeness and connection?
ReadMore
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
Me You
Yourrespons
e
Mybehavi
or
Myintention
The netStay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Concepts #2
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
5 levels
Hierarchy of needs
Safety, trust, intimacy
Social threat
SCARF model
Relationships
The net (again)
5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk &
learning
5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Abraham Maslow
What motivates us as human beings?
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Physiological
Safety
Love & belonging
Esteem
Self-actualization
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Parallels in groups & relationships
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
Experiments, risk-taking & vulnerability
Learning, self-awareness & change
In groups &
relationships…
Safety, trust,
Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]
intimacy
Safety, trust,intimacy
Safety = I won’t get hurt
Trust = I believe you & you believe me
Intimacy = We can make the private
public
Safety, trust,intimacy
Feedback can create these qualities
But there’s a problem…
Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?
Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat
Threat responseaka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Physiological signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]
Threat responseaka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Emotional signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]
Threat responseaka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Cognitive signs
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by State Farm [link]
Social threat(Some) social situations ≈ Physical
threats
Many times/day
Most common location?
Social threatPhysiological/emotional response plus…
Cognitive impairment
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Social threatResult?
Massive communication failure
We give feedback ineffectively
We receive it poorly
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
ReadMore
David RockWhat social situationstrigger a threatresponse?
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF modelDavid Rock
What social situations trigger a threat
response?
How can we minimize the risk of social
threat?
How can we create safety?
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
ReadMore
Founder as avatarThink about you and your partner
How might you trigger social threats in
others?
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
Use the modelWhen giving feedback…
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship*
Play fair*
Use the modelWhen getting feedback…
Cultivate in-the-moment awareness
Recognize our threat response
Manage our emotions (norms help*)
Create safety for ourselves
Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful
relationships?ReadMore
RelationshipsFeeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence
5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships& conflict
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]
Founder as avatarThink about your partner
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the
relationship?
The net
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
(again)
The netHow to improve communication?
How to minimize defensiveness?
How can we play fair?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
Me You
Yourrespons
e
Mybehavi
or
Myintention
What I know
Me
Myintention
Mybehavi
or
What I don’t
You
Yourrespons
e
What you know
You
Yourrespons
e
Mybehavi
or
What you don’t
Me
Myintention
Use the modelIntent ≠ impact
My intention doesn’t guarantee your
response
Impact ≠ intent
Your response wasn’t necessarily my
intention
Use the modelWhen we…
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the modelResult?
Lower risk of social threat
Less chance of defensiveness
Increased sense of fairness
Founder as avatarThink about your partner
When do you cross their net?
When do they cross yours?
To sum up
Photo by Pranav Yaddanapudi [link]
Build safety, trust & intimacy
Use the models
Minimize social threat
Less stressful feedback
More learning
Concepts #3
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Emotional intelligence & groups
Talking about feelings
Group norms
EQ and groupsWhy care?
Effective teams
Participation, cooperation,
collaboration
Can’t mandate behavior
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
ReadMore
EQ and groupsEssential conditions…
Mutual trust
Group identity (feeling of belonging)
Group efficacy (belief in value of the
team)
Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsIndividual EQ
Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Founder as avatarYour behavior = company norms
How aware are you of your emotions?
How well do you regulate your
emotions?
Talking aboutAffect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about
emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
ReadMore
Talking aboutGroup norms
Norms define what’s normative
Can we talk about feelings here?
Overcome embarrassment
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Our normsConsider company norms
Create awareness of emotions
Help regulate emotions
ReadMore
Photo by jm3 [link]
We never… We
always…
1. Spend time getting to knowothers personally.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
3. Share thoughts and emotionswith others in the moment.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet in a discussion what they think.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistanceto our decisions.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluateour own effectiveness.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feelingin the group in the moment.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We
always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive behavior in meetings.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
2. Call out behavior that violatesthose ground rules.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
3. Express acceptance ofothers’ emotions.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledgeand relieve stress.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
6. Express optimism aboutthe team’s capabilities.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We
always…
7. Provide others with positivefeedback in the moment.
Norms that help regulate
Our normsWhat norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Concepts #4
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Positive feedback
Mindset
Soft start
Positive feedbackA paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]
Positive feedbackWe may not trust it
We may even resent it
We often praise the wrong things
ReadMore
Positive feedbackDon’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*
Positive feedbackDon’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other means of influence
Positive feedbackDon’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence
Carol Dweck
How do we feel about our abilities?
How do we feel about our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]
ReadMore
Talent & intelligence are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or character flaws
Negative emotional response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence can be developed
Mistakes are learning opportunities
Pay close attention to mistakes & learn more
Fixed Growth
Mindset
ReadMore
Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this
Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this
Soft startBegin with positive intent
(But don’t bullshit)
Emphasize mutual goals
Be mindful of your stress
ReadMore
5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
ReadMore
1:1 feedbackWhen getting feedback…
Observe your threat response
Ask for specific feedback?
1:1 feedbackWhen giving feedback…
Positive feedback encouraged
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions
Building a Feedback-Rich Culture
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
My background & coaching practice:
www.edbatista.com/about.html
Contact me:
www.edbatista.com/contact.html
For more info…
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