Download - Mindful Listening
MINDFUL LISTENING
By Donna Brown
WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?
A way of focusing your attention that can produce significant benefits
Opposite of multi-tasking
Rebecca Shafir writes “our environment with its constant bombardment of stimuli challenges your innate ability to relax and focus on one task at a time.”
WHY DO WE LISTEN? We listen to obtain information We listen to understand We listen for enjoyment We listen to learn
Listen Effectively from “Hitch” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQzduf9GH8M
We remember 25% to 50% of what we hear.
That means when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers, or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to half of the conversation.
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness
By understanding your personal style of communicating, you will go along way towards creating good and lasting impressions of others
The average person speaks at 125 words per minute, yet we can process up to 500 words per minute
HOW TO BE A GOOD LISTENER
WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING? The process of listening, clarifying,
giving feedback, and self-disclosing. It involves the participation of both
parties in verbal and non-verbal ways. The use of “I” statements is imperative.
MAKE EYE CONTACT Look the speaker in the face most of the
time, especially look at his/her eyes If you forget to make eye contact,
speaker may think you are bored, withdrawn, or simply not listening
Be culturally sensitive: some individuals may be uncomfortable with too much direct eye contact
TAKE A LISTENING POSITION Sit or stand in a comfortable position Aim your body in the general direction
of the speaker Try to be relaxed Be aware of other non-verbals:
placement of arms, leaning forward when necessary, head nodding, degree of personal space, smiling
Effective Listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTr7mRs1ixg
PARAPHRASE THE SPEAKER’S MESSAGE State in your own words what someone
has just said Some common ways to lead into
paraphrases are: What I hear you saying is…. In other words…. So basically how you felt was… What happened was… Sounds like you’re feeling…
The speaker has the chance to make the message more clear if he/she doesn’t think you really understood
ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS If something the speaker said is unclear,
ask him/her a question to get more information
Asking questions make you an active, interested listener
The speaker can tell you have been listening enough to have a question and care enough to ask
Ask open ended questions:Could you give me an example…
MAKE COMMENTS, ASK QUESTIONS When the speaker stops or pauses,
make comments about the same subject If you change the topic suddenly, she/he
may think you weren’t listening If the speaker asks a question, your
answer can show you were listening Use silence to your benefit versus
attempting to fill the conversation with constant talk
PROVIDE APPROPRIATE FEEDBACK Feedback should always be given in an
honest and supportive way Empathy: identify with the speaker’s
feelings. It can be difficult if you have different life experiences or would try a different solution
Openness: be a supportive, but neutral listener. Be careful of judgments.
Awareness: be aware of your own biases. We all have them, it’s human nature
EIGHT BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING
1. KNOWING THE ANSWER You think you already know what the speaker wants to say,
before she actually finishes saying it. You might then impatiently cut her off or try to complete the sentence for her.
Even more disruptive is interrupting her by saying that you disagree with her, but without letting her finish saying what it is that you think you disagree with.
By interrupting the speaker before letting her finish, you're essentially saying that you don't value what she's saying. Showing respect to the speaker is a crucial element of good listening.
The "knowing the answer" barrier also causes the listener to pre-judge what the speaker is saying -- a kind of closed-mindedness.
A good listener tries to keep an open, receptive mind. He looks for opportunities to stretch his mind when listening, and to acquire new ideas or insights, rather than reinforcing existing points of view.
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Wait for three seconds after the speaker
finishes before beginning your reply. Three seconds is a good thing, because
it gives the speaker a chance to fully vent his or her feelings.
Another strategy is to schedule a structured session during which only one person speaks while the other listens. You then switch roles in the next session.
2. TRYING TO BE HELPFUL The listener is thinking about how to
solve what he perceives to be the listener’s problem
He misses what the speaker is actually saying
OVERCOMING THE BARRIER Schedule a separate session for giving
advice Politely ask if you may offer a possible
solution Wait for the speaker to clearly invite you
to go ahead before giving advice
3. TREATING DISCUSSION AS A COMPETITION Agreeing with the speaker during a
debate is a sign of weakness Feel compelled to challenge every point
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Debating should be scheduled for a
separate session Avoid dismissing the speaker’s
statements Instead affirm the points of agreement
4. TRYING TO INFLUENCE OR IMPRESS A person with an agenda will not simply
listen People can understand language 2-3
times faster than they can speak Therefore the listener has time to think
about other things while listening The listener will use this time to plan
their “next move”
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Make note of your internal motives while
listening You’ll eventually become conscious of
your ulterior motives They may unravel allowing you to let go
and just listen
5. REACTING TO RED FLAGS Words can provoke a reaction in the
listener Red flag words trigger an unexpectedly
strong reaction in the listener’s mind The speaker may not have meant the
word in the way the listener understood
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Ask the speaker to confirm whether she
meant to say what you think she said Try to stop the conversation, if possible,
so you don’t miss anything else the speaker has to say
6. BELIEVING IN LANGUAGE A misplaced trust in the precision of
words Language is a guessing game Meaning must always be actively
negotiated Words have unique effect in the mind of
each person Words work by pointing at experiences
shared by speaker and listener
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Practice mistrusting the meaning of
words Ask the speaker supporting questions to
cross-verify what the words mean to him Don’t assume the words mean exactly
the same to you as they do the listener You can stop the speaker and question
the meaning of the word
7. MIXING UP THE FOREST AND THE TREES People pay too close attention to detail They miss the overall meaning “trees” people-name characteristics in
no particular order “forest” people-sweeping, abstract,
bird’s eye view Good explanations usually provide both:
the big picture and specific view
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Explicitly ask the speaker for the overall
context or specific details as needed Cross-verify by asking how the trees fit
together with the forest An accurate picture of how details fit
together is crucial in understanding the speaker’s thoughts
Ask open ended questions
8. OVER-SPLITTING OR OVER-LUMPING “Splitters”-how things are different “Lumpers”-how things are alike Different mental styles can cause
confusion A listener who is an over-splitter can
inadvertently signal that he disagrees with everything
That can cause noise and interfere with the flow of conversation
Achieve a good balance is important
OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Ask questions to determine more
precisely where you agree and disagree By voicing points of convergence and
divergence the listener can create a more accurate mental model of the speaker’s mind
CONCLUSION It takes a lot of concentration to be an
active listener Be deliberate with your listening Your goal is truly hear what the other
person is saying Concentrate on the message; do not let
your mind wander Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase
Is anybody listening? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poAUNIQsTJI