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Self Absorption Stressing Out Men

Human Development

Farheen Malik

Foothill College

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Self Absorption Stressing Out Men

Everyone with a healthy self of identity has love for

themselves. This is part of human nature. We love ourselves and

this is why we care for ourselves. Psychologist Eric Fromm

proposed this when he stated self love includes caring about

yourself, respecting yourself, taking responsibility for yourself

and being honest with yourself about your strengths and

weaknesses. A person comfortable with their own identity has the

capacity to love and care for someone else as well, such as being

in a romantic relationship or caring for your family. We respond

emotionally to our needs all of the time, and we also have the

capacity to respond to all of our loved ones’ emotional needs.

We’re there for them, support them, and behave in an “other-

oriented” manner when we are communicating with them. However

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there are those with an unhealthy love of themselves, and are

incapable of loving and caring for anyone else.

The Metamorphosis of Narcissus is the Greek myth of a young

man who was very handsome, and loved only himself. He broke the

heart of anyone who loved him, and in this way broke the heart of

many lovers. This was frowned upon by the Greek gods, and they

let him see his own reflection in a pool of water. He

immediately fell in love with it, and tried to embrace it. When

he reached out to embrace it he couldn’t, because the reflection

was in the water. In the end he died pining for the reflection

and out of frustration. The Greek gods relented, and brought him

back to life as the Narcissus flower. He became immortalized as

a daffodil. This is the myth that the term “Narcissistic” comes

from. People with a narcissistic personality are completely

self-absorbed. They have a strong sense of entitlement, have a

high need of admiration, and compliments from others, and a huge

ego. These people basically think they are God, and noone else

really matters. Other people in their life are lucky to be

around them. They see themselves as capable of ruling the world,

and will manipulate whomever they need to in order to get what

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they want. This is beyond the normal self preoccupation that has

increased in our society ever since social media has taken over

our lives. Dr. Keith Campbell, PhD had written several social

trends have contributed to the rise of narcissism which includes

“The movement towards self-esteem and away from community

oriented thinking” (Pies,2011). That was written in the 60’s.

Today, the narcissistic personality is on the rise even more than

before. Dr. Campbell and Dr. Jean Twenge coauthored a book

titled The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement,

in which thy discuss the new parenting culture that has fueled

this epidemic by letting the child get whatever he or she wants

(Pies,2011). Most people with this disorder are deceitful and

manipulative. They are not motivated by other people. They have

no attachments to other people, only a love and admiration for

themselves. For these people any other human being is simply an

object. Some of these people truly have low self esteem, and

make up for it by their defensiveness or rudeness. These people

are classified as the “vulnerable narcissist” (Pies,2011).

However most of them have a rather grandiose sense of self.

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It is easy to fall in love with a narcissist. Some of us

may have even been raised by one, which is why we fell for this

type of a personality. This person is charming, energetic, and

extremely charismatic. In the beginning they seem to truly enjoy

your company and shower you with compliments. However it is only

after the honeymoon phase is over that you realize you can never

please this man (or woman). I chose this topic to discuss

because I am surrounded by narcissists. I’m married to a man

with this type of a personality. My mother is also a

narcissistic parent. Two of the most closest relationships in my

life share these characteristics. Manipulation, guilt, and

putdowns are common. My mother will come out and tell my sister

and I that we are inadequate. My husband is more sly. He will

act lovingly when he needs me to do things for him, however I am

never allowed to ask him about anything, or for help if I need

anything. He never tells me where he is going, and if I

question any of his actions, he turns into a defensive, screaming

little boy. He becomes extremely rude, loud, and inconsiderate

of anyone’s feelings. We have only been married for two years,

and his true nature surfaced a few months after our marriage. It

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is okay for him to go out, do whatever he wants, and completely

ignore me. When I need time to complete assignments, he becomes

moody, withdrawn, and accuses me of not having enough time for

him. This is the same way my mother acts. I never made the

connection that these two people act so similarly due to the same

disorder. They will never have any remorse over their actions,

even if they have obviously done something to hurt another.

it is important to understand this personality as well as to

be able to recognize it. Many factors in a child’s environment

during his or her developmental years can encourage narcissistic

traits. Parents that are not mindful of their children’s needs,

including neglect, or over simplifying their child’s fears and

concerns can encourage this development. Also, lack of praise

and affection during childhood can bring this on, as well as

child abuse or emotional abuse. I found it interesting that

excessive praise, and overindulgence can create a narcissistic

personality in a child. This was scary to me, as I still live

with my parents. My father didn’t really praise my sister or me,

but to compensate he is very lax with my daughter. It is

constant praising, telling her she’s the best, and scolding me

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when I try to discipline her. As previously mentioned, my mother

has a narcissistic personality, and tries to outdo me as her

mother. She constantly overindulges my daughter in whatever she

wants. Expensive gifts, new clothes and toys are constantly

being bought. This is to the extent that if I don’t want my

daughter to eat certain foods, my mother will buy them behind my

back as a “treat” for her granddaughter. I have controlled the

situation for the most part, but it tends to occur especially

during my busy times in the quarter. Luckily I’m blessed with a

little girl. This disorder tends to occur far more often in men

than in women.

Researchers have found that narcissistic personality

disorder is only a little different from antisocial personality

disorder, often by as little as one degree (Fulford,2008). The

overall characteristics can be the same, but narcissists may not

have aspects of criminality(Fulford,2008). These people are

just as mean, callous and manipulative as someone who has

antisocial disorder, but they may not end up in jail. In fact,

many men with narcissistic personality disorders can go on to

become quite successful. They are success driven, but at the

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same time they are horribly mistreating and using the people that

are most closely related to them(Groopman,2005). They put on a

“mask” when they go out, blending in with the community and

charming people with their smooth, charismatic personality. These

are the men that have a wife at home, and a couple of mistresses

on the side. Each woman is simply being used to supply their own

ego.

As I was researching this topic, I found an interesting

quote presented by Dr. Peter Marin, PhD., written in 1975. It is

“in our current society......The self replaces community,

relation, neighbor, chance and God” (Bromberg,1983). Dr. Marin

labels this “the new narcissism” (Bromberg1983). This was

written over 35 years ago, but it is even more apparent in our

society today. Narcissistic people are never satisfied simply

living a normal life. They have an obsession with being the

best.

Narcissistic personality disorders are not discussed in the

media as much as they need to be. I found it interesting how

borderline personality disorder is very easy to research, and

this is predominantly a female disorder. Antisocial personality

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disorder is also easy to find information for, but the narcissist

is hard to pin down. The development and many of the

characteristics are the same. People with borderline personality

disorder tend to have extreme emotional highs and lows, but the

narcissist will only display his (or her) emotional instability

when they are confronted about their behavior(Fulford,2008).

Then the person can become emotional, even to the point of

expressing rage.

The article I chose to discuss is titled Expensive Egos:

Narcissisti Males Have Higher Cortisol, by Dr. David Reinhard,

et. al.(2012). I chose this topic because the title reminded me

instantly of my husband. As previously mentioned, both my mother

and my husband suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder.

Both have different levels of severity. My husband is a health

enthusiast, and is constantly trying to learn new methods to keep

himself looking young and increase his muscle mass. He was not

like this when I met him, this is one of his newest interests. I

support the healthy lifestyle, but what offends me is how he

discredits my background in biology, or tries to prove that he is

more knowledgable than I am in my line of study. He is not a

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Biology major. Recently he has become quite obsessive, and is

taking at least 15 different supplements a day to try to fight

inflammation and reverse cellular degeneration. These are all

vitamin supplements, and harmless for the most part, but it is

getting to be pretty silly. His body, physical appearance, and

cognitive ability are the only interests he has these days. His

obsessiveness is what sparked my curiosity in this study. I

love all of the areas of psychology. When I looked over the

assignment, I was excited to see that one of our options is to

pick a peer reviewed article. I have been struggling with my

husband and my mother’s personality. During the course of our

class, I was fascinated with how a healthy individual develops.

It did not resonate at all with my childhood upbringing. The

topics covered in my class motivated me to look into personality

disorders, such as anxiety. I was fascinated with the amount of

information there is available on abnormal psychology. I had

always known about the narcissist, and suspected my husband has a

personality disorder. I could never pick out what it was. In

all honesty, I still love him very much although I know he has

this problem. Despite what the literature has described (these

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type of people do not change), I am still hoping he will begin to

value me. I also love my mother very much. She has now begun to

value me in her old age. As I was looking for more information

about the narcissistic personality disorder, I learned about my

own disorder. I’m an inherent giver. I read a little more about

co-dependence, and does not seem to sound like me, but I do have

a need to be needed.

The study conducted was to evaluate the levels of cortisol

found in young men and women who are identified as having

narcissism (Reinhard,2012) . The researchers established the

participants’ narcisissism using the Narcissistic Personality

Inventory test (Reinhard,2012). They had participants from a

Midwestern and Southwestern university, as volunteers or they

offered course credit (Reinhard,2012). On average the

particpants were pretty young, their average age was 20.1 years

old. They collected the participants saliva to measure the

participants’ level of cortisol present (Reinhard,2012) The

saliva was collected when the participant arrived to the study,

and then a second time, 25 minutes later. During the 25 period

interval, the participants were kept busy completing ‘filler’

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tasks (Reinhard,2012). The researchers were looking for the

basal concentration of cortisol. Previous studies conducted had

measured levels of cortisol, but they were taken after having the

participants experience a stressful event, such as giving an

impromptu speech in front of a small group (Reinhardt, 2012).

These researchers also separated narcissism into healthy

narcissism, and unhealthy narcissism. Healthy narcissism

includes characteristics such as leadership and authority, self

sufficiency, superiority, and vanity. Unhealthy narcissism

specifically focuses on entitlement and exploitative-ness. They

created these separate scores by summing the separate sub scales

of these characteristics (Reinhard,2012) They also tested for

mood, how much social and emotional support the participant

reported, and general stress levels. The researchers found

higher cortisol levels present in males who exhibited high levels

of unhealthy narcissism (Reinhard,2012). These were basal

cortisol levels, which means there was no reaction to a stressful

activity involved. These levels are much higher even when

controlling for social support, mood, and relationship status

(Reinhard,2012). Unhealthy narcissism in females only raised

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cortisol levels marginally, and for both males and females with

healthy narcissism, the cortisol levels were not significantly

affected (Reinhard,2012). The researchers found that unhealthy

narcissistic characteristics are the most toxic aspects of this

personality disorder which tend to raise cortisol levels

(Reinhard,2012). The researchers also explained that narcissism

is related to increased cardiovascular activity when reacting to

a stressful event (Reinhard,2012). Additionally, they explained

that narcissism is related to hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal

reactivity. The HPA-axis is the main stress response system of

the body (Reinhard,2012). Cortisol is a marker of HPA-axis

activation (Reinhard,2012). During an extremely stressful event,

cardiovascular activity increases, as well as levels of cortisol

increase, which is the “fight or flight” response. This is

normal in during a truly stressful event, however for the

unhealthy narcissistic male there is a baseline increase in

cortisol levels similar to a person experiencing chronic stress

(Reinhard,2012). The study indicates that the narcissistic male

responds to his daily routine with more stress than someone

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without this disorder, or a female exhibiting healthy

narcissistic characteristics (Reinhard,2012).

The study highlighted how harboring unhealthy narcissistic

characteristics is related to higher levels of cortisol in men.

They didn’t find this correlation among women (Reinhard,2012),

which is good news for ladies. However the researchers

hypothesize that the increased stress hormone release and HPA

axis activation is due to difficulties maintaining an inflated

sense of self (Reinhard,2012). However they also mentioned that

men are encouraged to act more “macho”, and adopt masculine

characteristics, such as arrogance and dominance in our society

(Reinhard,2012). Males trying to adopt stereotypically male

gender roles find it difficult to keep up the inflated ego,

particularly now that society has become more “gender” neutral.

Women moving to higher positions in education and in the

workplace, women being able to perform equally as well as men on

a variety of different tasks are perceived as threats to male

gender roles and masculinity. Men are finding male gender roles

harder to maintain (Reinhard,2012). Narcissism is also difficult

to maintain by itself, as the narcissist is constantly trying to

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prove his unique-ness, and how special he is (Reinhard,2012.) The

researchers also commented that an individual with high

masculinity and high narcissism exhibit traits of exploitation

and entitlement more than someone without high masculinity

(Reinhard,2012.). This person also prefers high independence,

and tend to emphasize individualism, while shunning social and

emotional support (Reinhard,2012). Highly narcissistic

individuals have reported running into more daily hassles

compared to people that have a low level of narcissism, the

researchers hypothesize that low social support is especially

toxic (Reinhard,2012.). As previously mentioned, the most toxic

characteristics were defined to be entitlement and exploitation

in a narcissistic personality (Reinhardt,2012). The researchers

could not determine why females do not have similar HPA-axis

activation. The researchers noted that female gender roles

encourage women to build relationships (Reinhard,2012). They

hypothesized that female narcissists use different methods of

exploitation, such as using “feminine” roles to their advantage,

thus securing social and financial resources (Reinhard,2012). Thy

concluded narcissism is not as “psychologically taxing” for a man

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as it is for a woman. It is interesting to note that this study

was directed by a male.

Elevated cortisol levels are unhealthy for both men and

women. These people are more prone to infections, can develop

high blood pressure and hypoglycemia. Chronically elevated

cortisol leads to obesity, and development of type two diabetes.

Also, belly fat accumulates, and the person’s LDL level

skyrockets. Skin conditions include acne and purple striae

across the abdomen. Chronic inflammation develops which further

suppresses the immune system. A recent finding of the

detrimental effect of elevated cortisol was chronically

activating the HPA-axis can alter emotional memory formation and

hippocampal function (Abercrombie,2011).

This article is very informative in connecting narcissistic

personality disorder and the toll it takes the narcissist’s

health. It is sad to read the truth about the “expensive ego”,

especially knowing that the narcissist will never try to accept

the truth and change. Researching the biological and

physiological effects of personality is highly beneficial to

understanding how the individual develops. Narcissistic

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individuals are not willing to change their personality, as it

“works” for them. However learning the shocking truth about how

they are aging their own bodies, and becoming physically weaker

can be a turning point in their life. Also, for people to become

more aware of the physiological processes that occur with

personality disorders, and connecting this to how the personality

disorder has developed is absolutely necessary if we are to raise

strong, happy, and healthy children. There is a rising trend of

narcissism is found among men and women in American culture

(Reinhard,2012). The researchers mentioned that if this trend

continues, could be long term public health consequences in the

future (Reinhard,2012).

Future studies may include using other biological markers

including C-reactive protein and the inflammatory marker

interleukin-6 to study increased psychological stress and poor

coping associated with extreme self focus (Reinhard,2012). Also,

trying to examine high narcissism in earlier life and poor

outcomes in later life is another potential study the group will

focus on. They recommend trying to understand why male

narcissists have higher basal cortisol levels in order to try to

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help pinpoint a potential window for intervention

(Reinhardt,2012).

Further research on the physiological affects of narcissism

will help parents to realize the importance of supporting a

growing child emotionally and physically. A child is especially

vulnerable during stage 3 of Erik son's model of personality

development. Authoritarian parenting styles, uninvolved

parenting styles can be especially detrimental to a child who is

only 4-5 years old. Parents do not realize that children are

dependent on them for support, but also need to develop a healthy

sense of guilt. There is a delicate balance of being supportive,

loving, and caring, but not overdoing it. Researching this

topic, I have learned that the damage done to the child’s

developing identity is usually irreversible. This is very sad to

learn, and I hope that I have not damaged my daughter’s

developing identity in some way due to my unpredictable

relationship with my mother and husband. Therapy is recommended

for the person suffering the narcissist’s abuse, and usually

severing the relationship is recommended. It is true narcissism

is increasing in this country. I find this especially true in

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the millennial generation. Kids born after 1980 were constantly

doused with compliments, and reminded of how “special” they are

(Harrison Wolffis,2011). This resulted in an inflated sense of

self worth, and development of a narcissistic epidemic, according

to psychologists Jean Twenge, and W. Keith Campbell

(Harrison,Wolffis,2011), (Pies,2011). Practicing direct

instruction, avoiding conflict in front of our children, and and

being a positive supportive role model for our children is

suggested by psychologists. Research has also indicated parents

who live vicariously through their children, such as forcing

their children to fulfill their own dreams for a career or goals

are encouraging the development of narcissism. Studies have

found that people that are raised by a narcissist have a tendency

to become an indirect narcissist, which is the opposite of the

narcissist. The giver, or needy individual.

Exploring the physiological effects of narcissism on mens

physical health can be a direct motivator for men to seek

psychological help. Researchers have found men are less likely

than women to seek help for emotional or psychological trouble

than are women (Freed,2012). Men most often deny having

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psychological problems or the need for help. This is again part

of the way we raise our children. Boys are taught to be “macho”,

and asking for help is not considered masculine. However this

type of gender stereotyping leads to personality disorders, such

as narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and sociopathy,

among others. Learning about the physiological effects of

narcissism can also help to motivate parents to improve their

parenting style, and develop a healthy relationship which can aid

in the development of a healthy child in both mind and body.

This is easier said than done, as many parents are suffering from

the effects of narcissism because of their own childhood trauma,

or a current spouse, and may not be fully aware of what to do.

Parents can seek therapy to resolve their own childhood issues

and learn how to cope with daily stressors. so they can become

better, well balanced parents. This is what I plan to do in

order to recover from the narcissists in my life.

References

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Reinhard, D., Konrath, S., Lopez, W., & Cameron, H. (2012). Expensive Egos: Narcissistic Males Have Higher Cortisol. PLoS ONE, 7(1), 8.

Pies, R. (2011). HOW TO ELIMINATE NARCISSISM OVERNIGHT: DSM-V andthe Death of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Innovative Clinical Neuroscience, 8(2), 23-27.

Bromberg, P. (1983). The Mirror and the Mask-On Narcissism and Psychoanaltytic Growth. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 19, 359-387.

Abercrombie, H., Jahn, A., Davidson, R., Kern, S., Kirschbaum, C., & Halverson, J. (2011). Cortisol's effects on hippocampal activation in depressed patients are related to alterations in memory formation. Journal Of Psychiatric Research, 45(1), 15-23.

Fulford, D., Johnson, S., & Carver, C. (2008). Commonalities and differences in characteristics of persons at risk for narcissism and mania. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(6), 1427-1438.

Groopman, L., & Cooper, A. (2005, 14). Amercan Medical Network. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Retrieved March 16, 2013, fromhttp://www.health.am/psy/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

Harrison Wolffis, Susan. "Researcher explores why Millennial generation thinks its all about them.." Www.mlive.com. Michigan Live, 1 Nov 2011. Web. 16 Mar 2013. <http://www.mlive.com/living/grand-rapids/index>.

Freed, Betsey B., and David Freed. "Aversion to Therapy: Why WontMen Get Help?" Www.psmag.com. Pacific Standard Magazine, 25 June 2012. Web. 16 Mar. 2013. <http://www.psmag.com/health/why-wont-men-get-help-42 910/>.