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    Different Strokes for Different People

    By

    Twin1

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    THIS SICKNESS IS NOT UNTO DEATH BUT

    FOR THE GLORY OF GOD, THAT THE SON OF

    GOD MAY BE GLORIFIED THROUGH IT.

    JOHN11:4

    THE LORD IS RIGHTEOUS IN ALL HIS WAYS,

    GRACIOUS IN AL L HIS WORKS. THE LORD IS

    NEAR TO ALL WHO CALL UPON HIM, TO ALL

    WHO CALL UPON HIM IN TRUTH HE WILL

    FULFILL THE DESIRE OF THOSE WHO FEAR

    HIM; HE WILL ALSO HEAR THEIR CRY AND

    SAVE THEM. THE LORD PRESERVES ALL

    WHO LOVE HIM, BUT ALL THE WICKED HE

    WILL DESTROY. MY MOUTH SHALL SPEAK

    THE PRAISE OF THE LORD, AND ALL FLESH

    SHALL BLESS HIS HOLY NAME FOREVER

    AND EVER.Psalm145:17-21

    This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by

    way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or

    otherwise circulated without the authors prior consent in any

    form binding or cover other than that in which it is published

    and without similar condition including this condition being

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    imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

    The right of Twin1 to be identified as the author of this work

    as asserted by Twin1 in accordance with the copyright,

    designs and patent Act 1988

    All rights reserved

    No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a

    retrievable

    system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic,

    mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without

    prior written permission.

    First Edition

    ISBN:

    Copyright Twin1 2010

    I am 38 years old. I have lived in South London all

    my life. I am one of twins. I am your typical happy

    go lucky type of girl. Very bubbly, down to earth, a

    peoples person. I have no children, by choice. This

    is a glimpse of my life as an able bodied person, then

    as a disabled person from 22ndOctober 2007 I have

    always tried to achieve my goals and dreams. I was

    very, very close until one day my world came

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    crashing down unexpectedly and my dreams came to

    a standstill, I wouldnt say end as I am still alive and

    I have hope in Jesus.

    My story is one of living in the world and God

    taking me out of this world which had become my

    world, relationships that failed I was always

    searching trying to fill that void but never being ableto and God saying Enough is Enough, its time to

    come to me. God has been in my life since that

    terrible day when I had a stroke at the age of 36

    years old. God was there right with me from

    beginning to the end. Read my journey and see how

    God has had an impact on my life. This is all about

    giving God the Glory. What he has done for me he

    can do for you.

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    I

    INTRODUCTION

    wake up on a high every morning. The first thing I do isswitch on the computer and look at the computer generated

    picture of the flats that are being built. My name is already

    down for one of them I am just waiting for them to contact me

    to invite me along for a viewing. I have already spoken to a

    mortgage advisor at my bank and my mortgage has been

    sorted I have lived on Plato road with my parents for 36 +

    years. Many years ago my cousins use to live with us. It was

    I, my twin sister, with mum and dad. My aunty, uncle with

    their two daughters and son. There was never a dull moment.

    This house on Plato road holds many memories if walls

    could talk. We lived like this for several years then things

    changed my aunty bought a house not too far from us. I

    remember being very sad as I did not want them to leave us.

    I

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    It did not matter because it was walking distance so I and my

    sister found ourselves round there every day. We start

    secondary school, Pimlico school my older female cousin andher brother went to Kingsdale school. The years pass by and

    we continue onto college find jobs, leave jobs, find another,

    leave another one and so forth. I have no direction I really

    never took anything seriously I wanted the easy way; if it was

    too hard then I didnt want to know. I did not see the

    logic in doing anything that caused unhappiness or stress.

    How ironic that statement is to me now. When you read my

    journey you will see what I mean. Time passes and my sister

    announces that she has become a born again Christian. I do

    not know how to take this, I think I am a bit unsure what this

    is all about anyhow no questions are really asked and the

    family accept this. Not long after she announces that she

    wants to marry the guy she had met at church. We are shocked

    and we all felt that they should wait a year before tying the

    knot. But she and herfiancwere adamant. Of course we

    came round to the idea and we were happy for them. I was to

    be bridesmaid and my eldest cousin was chief bridesmaid.

    She was chief only because she was always seen as our bigger

    sister we had all lived together and we were more like sisters

    than cousins. I didnt mind not being chief bridesmaid. The

    whole preparation was stressful. I made a decision I would

    never be a bridesmaid again. The wedding day came and I was

    nervous as I was unable to get the wedding march right, I

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    think that is what it is called. It was like I had two left feet.

    My escort was drop dead gorgeous his name was Alvin.

    I felt so proud to have him on my arm. He belonged to me for

    that day. My sister looked beautiful when she put her dress

    on, I remember standing behind her looking at the mirror at

    her and literally to

    catching my breath has she looked absolutely beautiful. The

    day went well; I reluctantly and1

    nervously gave my speech. The evening came to an end and

    the celebration continued back at my parents home. That

    night whilst lying in bed I cried silently. The tears rolled down

    my face.

    I cried because I felt that my sister had been taken away from

    me that this man that she had known only for a short while

    had come and taken her from me as she is my other half

    literally. She mirrors me. I am left handed and she is right

    handed however, he is the best brother in law I could ever

    wish for, he is truly a blessing. He is a decent man very wise

    beyond his years and they have blessed the family with two

    beautiful granddaughters/ nieces.

    There are a lot of memories at Plato road so when I look at the

    computer generated picture of my potential new home there is

    some sadness there of what I will be leaving behind. We had

    more sadness to deal with when my aunty died. Now aunty

    was never called aunty. I and my twin called her mummy. So

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    can you imagine the confusion when my mum and mummy

    were in a room together and I would call mummy and they

    would both answer and I would say Not you the, the othermummy. I was so sad as I loved her so much and I know she

    is with her maker. When she came over from Jamaica to live

    in England she was a nurse.

    Me and my sister was born at the house on Plato road in my

    parents bedroom. saw that mum was in labour. How funny.

    Mummy and mum were very very close, just like their

    children especially the girls. And thats how it has been until

    this day. My parents still live there, just the two of them now,

    there was a time when 12 of us lived there at one time then it

    went down to 6 then to 4 then to 6 then to 7 then 9, then 10

    then 7, then 3 then two. But we go there every Sunday to get

    soul food.

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    DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE

    HOW I REALLY FEEL AFTER THE STROKE

    A friend of mine suggested I do this and I thought it was a

    good idea. It is now day 33 after suffering a stroke at 36 years

    old. Its like wow what happens now. You just have to get onwith it the best you can. The first few days you do not

    experience the impact it has on you as a person. I will explain

    shortly what I mean later on. In the beginning you think about

    when you will be able to walk again properly, when I say

    properly I mean without a stick or assistance. I have to now

    try to deal with my anger and severe mood swings and the

    bitterness that I feel sometimes even now. This anger is no

    longer directed at God.

    THE FATIGUE

    Well this factor knocked me off my feet as I had never

    experienced feeling tired like this before. It is such an effort to

    talk and even attending the exercise group at the hospital for

    me, not appreciated at all I thought I was about to commit my

    first offence( murder). The tasks you had to do were very

    frustrating even more so when you are extremely tired and all

    you are thinking about is climbing back into your hospital bed.

    One of the tasks involved emptying peas out of a jar then put

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    them back in and screwing the lid back on.

    When you have a stroke one side of your body becomes weak/paralysed (as I am sure you already know) so this task in itself

    is a testing one as trying to pick up the peas is difficult and

    frustrating as you have to learn how to grip again. I remember

    feeling that I am going to scream in the minute and kill the

    nurse who asked me to do this. I did however fall asleep at the

    table only to be awoken by the same nurse asking me to repeat

    the task again. How I did not kill her there and then firstly, for

    interrupting my sleep and secondly, for wanting me to repeat

    the task (I do not know). Me feeling this way was because I

    only wanted to sleep uninterrupted.

    The second time I attended the session I was fine although

    tired but I carried out the task

    successfully without wanting to kill anyone. I knew from then

    onwards that I would not be afraid to look at my timetable

    stuck on the wall in my hospital room and see when my next

    session would take place and not start panicking about how I

    was going to get enough sleep before the class or even how

    I could find a way of getting out of it. Anyway the tiredness

    does stick around for a long while and

    you learn to live with it

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    Over a year has just passed since I had the stroke. The

    tiredness has not got any better or worse. I have days where I

    walk to the shops and I cant do anything else after. This

    frustrates me so much to the point, some mornings I would

    just sit on my bed and cry and ask God to let this all go away.

    People stop me in the streets and ask me what has happened. I

    fight the tears as I see the tears welling up in their eyes. I

    never cry. I have not cried about this happening to me. I may

    cry when I hear a certain track being played, I cry because my

    life is not like the lyrics in the song. The song I am referring to

    is Mary J Bliges trackIm doing fine or Im doing just fine. I

    find it hard to tolerate some of my friends now and family too

    I am easily irritated now, but I cant say how I really feel as

    not to cause upset. My head and heart feels like it is literally

    going to explode.

    I am now well and truly spent one year later, apparently I look

    real good, but I hate the way men, look at me when they are

    checking me out. Do they not see that I walk with a stick? Iam not implying that disabled people do not get attention as

    not all disabilities are visual. I am disgusted by this as when

    they look at me and I look back straight into their eyes they

    say (your eyes is the window to your soul) its like I can read

    their dirty ungodly minds the same way you look someone in

    the eyes and you can tell whether they are lying or that they

    sincerely love you. Yes, I thank God that I can still walk and

    that I have lived to tell the tale but I can sure do without the

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    short term memory loss and the other after effects I have

    suffered since having this stroke. I must mention the

    inappropriate laughter which I have suffered and which hasbeen embarrassing but I swear I had no control over it. I was

    sitting in the salon one afternoon and this well dressed Indian

    man came in selling cutting scissors for hair. Prior to that we

    had been acting like kids telling jokes, I was making my jokes

    up as usual and crying with laughter at them. The man that

    came in was dressed all in black. He was talking to the owner

    and I looked him straight in his eyes and for the life of me

    could not stop the laughter that felt like I wanted to be sick so

    naturally I opened my mouth and this loud laughter from deep

    within came out. There was another time when I was in the

    font garden of my parents house and a man who I say hello to

    saw me with a stick and he asked me what have you done to

    you leg babe? I burst out laughing and said I had a stroke.

    He looked at me and said thats not funny I answered him

    still laughing I know. I had no control, I couldnt stop

    myself.

    I find the term STROKE a funny one I sit down and think

    sometimes that a Stroke must be where God

    flicks you with his finger and as he is the almighty one he may

    flick you so hard that, that one flick equivalent to a stroke or

    an almighty slap and your body suffers a big jerk, enough to

    shake your organs.

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    MOODS

    For me this happened straightaway without me realising.

    Whilst in hospital I was looking at people in a rude way. That

    was all effects of the stroke. I couldnt wait to go home. One

    of the doctors at my GP surgery told me that I had suffered a

    personality change. It almost felt like I was being pulled

    between good and bad/and or love and hate. Unfortunately my

    mother was on the receiving end of my wrath. I would get so

    worked up that my head would start thumping and I just

    wanted to squeeze the life out of something. All of that

    energy would be wasted and the tiredness would kick straight

    in, it would be back to my room lock the door and lie down. I

    could never sleep when I wanted and when I was supposed to

    be sleeping. I now feel that I am going mad and that everyone

    is against me, but its just the lack of sleep and angerI hope. I

    visualise ending it all as I feel I am a burden to my family. I

    think how I should do it. In the back of my head I know it is a

    sin to take your own life , so automatically I switch thoughts

    and try to think positive and try to remember I have come thisfar from being paralysed on my left side unable to walk or sit

    up by myself. Hobbling around on a stick. I still felt like no

    one really understood the psychological and my emotional

    state of my mind.

    ANGRY

    I am extremely angry, I am angry with the world and I am

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    angry with God, I think why didnt you just allow for my legs

    to be broken. I dont want to speak to anybody as everybody

    always manages to say the wrong thing. It gets to a pointwhere I start to believe that people were actually going out of

    their way to wind me up. There was even days I felt I was

    going mad literally losing my mind. The anger was eating me

    up from the inside out. Even though I am physically weak I

    would have taken you on looking to knock you out I felt

    invincible. I never cursed God I would not do that as I am a

    God fearing woman but I was well vex with him and the

    world. I was jealous watching people or the family do things

    that I was no longer able to do like run up and down the stairs

    and laugh, I mean really laugh because they are happy, really

    happy. I am sad I feel the spark that I had has left my body I

    feel dead although sometimes I wished I were. I notice now

    when I am angry my head starts thumping literally and it does

    not feel right when this is happening, my body is hot and the

    whole

    thing does not feel right. I am like this for several months

    after; I mean the thumping of my head when I get angry.

    COUNSELLING

    I have been referred to a counsellor. My first appointment

    was interesting. I meet the counsellor whose name is Richard

    and he invites me into a room and we sit down and he asks me

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    to tell him about myself and wants me to talk about when I

    had the stroke. I start to explain in detail what happened and I

    see that he is engrossed in what I am saying holding on to

    every word. I detect compassion and or sadness. I see that his

    eyes are becoming glazed I realise that this man looks like he

    is about to cry. I am thinking please do not cry otherwise you

    may start me off.

    When I have finished telling him about my experience he

    replies Juliet, I could actually feel every part of what you was

    saying.

    I see Richard once a week. Some sessions are tearful and some

    are not. Some of the times I feel the sessions are not helping

    me as we are straying away from the subject as we end up

    talking about my family. I am thinking what have they got to

    do with my stroke. Richard said to me at my first session that

    we would work on trying to deal with my anger. So far I could

    not see this happening. Weeks have passed now and at one of

    the sessions Richard asks me how I feel in general I replyleaning forward in my chair as I answered broken, my spirit

    is broken he looks at me and replies that was very

    descriptive. One of the sessions I remember we spoke about

    having suicidal thoughts and I confirmed that I had. I said I

    could not go through with it based on the fact that it was a sin

    to take your own life. He asked are you religious? I said I

    am a Christian but It felt like he had just slapped me in my

    face. Moving forward to the edge of my chair I start

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    witnessing to him. Something took me over in that room at

    that moment and I looked him dead in his face and said with

    passion do you know that God sent his only son to die for meand you, so that we may live? He didnt answer but I saw

    something in his eyes, like I had hit a chord or something. I

    hope that day I had planted a seed. I always reminded Richard

    WHO FEELS IT KNOWS IT. People were always trying to

    justify my situation, or even coming up with so called pathetic

    things that they suggested I should do because I had suffered a

    stroke. A man said to me one day you know what causes

    stroke? this would have been about the thousandth time

    somebody reckoned they had an answer so I responded in my

    head here we go again, lets see where he is going with this he

    carried on and asked me do you eat pork?

    Yes I replied irritated and now hes on a roll do you know

    when you eat pork, the worms in the pork block up your

    veins. I thought shut up you idiot where is the logic in that I

    interrupted let me stop you right there, let me stop you right

    there the artery at the back of my neck was torn he said Oh,

    oh, oh, like Frank Bruno. I always said to Richard who feels

    it knows it. I remember a stroke nurse came to see me at my

    parents home and I said to him that I was stressed at my new

    job and I asked would that have caused my artery to harden

    then tear because it was so hard, he said on the contrary the

    artery would have become soft which would have made it easy

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    to tear.

    HELP (why is no one listening to me)

    There was many a times I felt alone. Even being at home

    around the family, to be honest I was unable to rest at home

    due to the front door bell constantly going and the laughter

    that I could hear from downstairs. Ironically these were some

    of the times that I felt alone. It would get to the point when

    speaking to friends I would get so irritated. For example I

    would say I have a pain in my head and it would be brushed

    off by saying that happens to me too its a headache. I would

    think after 37 years I would know when I have a headache.

    My blood would be boiling now and my back is up so we start

    bickering.

    My body has had to deal with a lot, and out of all that what

    makes me sad is that me and my family have never sat around

    the table whereby we have spoken about what has happened to

    me It almost feels like it is taboo. Having old skoolJamaican parents hugging and saying I love you is something

    that you dont really hear or see in the home.

    They will never know how I feel for example, they would

    never know that I play the morning of 22nd October over and

    over again like it was yesterday and that the tears would fill

    my eyes as they do now but never fall, that the emotions I

    have is enough to choke me. I guess its because I look well on

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    the outside, but no one really knows what is going on in the

    inside. I am strong, I am too strong to cry I just carry on as

    that is what I feel is expected of me. I cannot show any signsof weakness now I have come too far. No one has told me that

    I should not cry. On the contrary I have been told to cry but I

    cant. I can cry now when I see an animal being mistreated

    back in the day it wouldnt have bothered me at all. I would

    just kiss my teeth.

    I AM SCARED YOU KNOW

    I am living this fear everyday its always there not going away.

    As I am one of twins I fear for my twin and pray that she willnever have to go through what I have been through.

    I would go through it for her all over again, yes I would. I

    fear that it may happen to me again as the Consultant tells me

    that am I am at risk. I am scared as I dont know what job I

    am capable of doing and not capable of doing.

    APPOINTMENTS

    How frustrating, hospitals, doctors. Its really funny how I

    feel when I go to these appointments. I do sit there and think

    you really dont know what you are talking about. They will

    never get it right they can do all the research they like but it

    really is a case of who feels it knows it. I saw a neurologist

    a few weeks ago she had a student with her and asked me to

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    walk down the corridor. She then said to the student She is

    walking better now as she is bending her left leg.

    I smirked and thought how you know that, as no one had

    asked me to do this exercise before and she had never asked

    me to do this before.

    One of my last appointments the doctor was more concerned

    with my weight gain. He even asked me if wanted to see a

    dietician. I was beginning to get real upset with him. A lot of

    the times when going to see these specialists I felt like that I

    was expected to say/feel what they wanted to hear when surely

    this was not the case. For example explaining to the

    Occupation Health Doctor I walk with my stick as it stabilizes

    me and that without it I walk funny, lo and behold he told me

    to throw it away and throw myself on the grass. I dont

    think so. Its almost felt as if I should recover at their speed,

    but like I said who feels it, knows it. And they dont know it

    all.

    ITS A STROKE

    The realness of me having a stroke didnt actually kick in until

    a year had passed. By this time I had received my Freedom

    pass and blue badge for disabled people and I thought this is

    good I dont have to pay bus fare. Only thing is I had

    developed a fear of travelling on the buses tubes and crowds.

    I think I was/am scared of the crowds and not being able to get

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    a seat as I cannot stand for too long. However, I manage to

    overcome this fear only to hold on to dear life whilst on the

    bus as no one gave

    me a seat which meant I had to stand in the buggies section.

    The bus driver thought it was clever to brake hard at every

    stop nearly sending me flying onto a buggy with a child in it. I

    have not been on a bus since. Getting on and off a bus is not a

    nice movement as this is when I realise how vulnerable I am.

    Its the little things such as trying to put money into my purse

    an effort.

    My fine motor skills are not quite there yet. I say to my GP

    that I feel like an old lady, gosh its hard work to crouch down

    and very painful, I cannot stand for too long and sometimes I

    struggle to string a sentence together. I do believe people pick

    up on this as they would respond with a huh. or sorry, so I

    would rephrase whatever it is that I have said. The thing is I

    dont want anyones pity. I used be such a bubbly woman full

    of energy and I feel that I am grieving for I have lost the old

    me. I cannot hold my wee anymore I cannot jump up off a

    chair, I cannot run I see young women around my age looking

    smart on their way to work and think that should be me and

    that, that use to be me. If there is a word bigger than frustrated

    then that is what I wish to use,. Frustration is what I go

    through every day. I am in bed by 7pm each night due to

    extreme fatigue. It feels like I dont really have much of a life

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    at the moment.

    I AM TIRED, REALLY TIRED

    I am tired of the whole thing, physically, psychologically and

    mentally. I just want to get back to normality; I mean what

    has been taken away from me. I feel I have learned from this

    whole experience. I feel that I have had more than my fair

    share. Sometimes I feel I have been dealt with harshly but I

    always remember there are people out there who are a lot

    worse off than me. Saying this though if you are born with

    deformity then of course, you have your lifetime to adapt to

    that and that is all you know. Whereas like myself when you

    are not born with any deformities or handicaps and one day

    your life just automatically changes oh my gosh that hurts

    and you still struggle with the simpliest of things that you

    could have done before with your eyes closed.

    Talking about eyes closed, when I am praying standing up

    with my eyes close I have to stand with my legs apart just tobalance me out or rest the back of my legs against the chair so

    I dont topple over. I know the day is coming when I am

    going to jump out of bed without falling back onto the bed and

    run to the bathroom and walk outside for long distances

    without my stick and just having that strength I had before this

    happened.

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    I HAVENT FORGOTTEN YOU LORD

    No I have not. Yes I was angry in the beginning I know thatGod brought me through this. No matter how low and angry I

    got I would wake up to see another day even though I was

    looking for an easy way out. Throughout all of this I have

    prayed and God never let me forget that he was there.

    THANK GOD FOR JESUS

    It is now just over two years, and I still walk with a stick. I

    grumble no more. I am now walking with Jesus I AM NOW A

    BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, HALLELUJAH. I feel like a

    new person. I am the happiest I have ever been even though I

    am still physically restricted. God gives me the strength

    everyday to go that little bit further and I give him all the

    glory and the praise. I still walk with a stick and still feel sad

    sometimes. Now my sadness is not just self pity but I now

    feel sorry for those who do not know Christ. I mentioned in

    the very first paragraph that I would explain the impact that

    having a stroke has on you as a person. Well, my whole life

    changed. I.e. attitude, perspective on life feeling more

    compassion for animals and people, more in touch with my

    emotions, not taking things for granted, knowing what a

    struggle really feels like. It feels like I am running a race

    determined to get to the finish line.

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    Getting real tired along the way but knowing that you cannot

    give up now. The impact just to break it down is like running

    very quickly with your eyes closed straight into a brick wall,

    OUCH!

    The impact was not just on me but on my family. Somebody

    made a comment one day and I went home and thought about

    what she said. I cannot remember exactly what was said but I

    was hurting and angry and she said something to me and I just

    blurted out WELL NO ONE DOESNT ASK ME HOW I

    FEEL. This statement was directed at my family. She

    responded by saying Juliet, I dont mean to be disrespectful

    but maybe your family are going through it too. I went home

    with that thought and sat down and really thought about what

    she said. So the next day I called my mum and asked her she

    felt now that a year had passed since I had the stroke she said

    that she didnt like to see me the way that I was. (mobility

    problems etc), Then I asked my dad the same thing. I

    remember this as the time when I felt alone. I felt that no-oneunderstood me or loved me so when my dad answered me he

    said your mother is worse than me but he doesnt like to see

    me like this. Then he

    immediately said dont you think for one moment that we do

    not love you , because we do I

    remember feeling overwhelmed I knew that God played a part

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    in all of that as that is what I needed to hear. I struggled to

    stop myself from crying. I then called my sister and asked her

    the same thing. She struggled to answer me so I didnt get ananswer. I spoke to her the next day and she volunteered her

    answer without me prompting her she said it is hard for us so

    I cannot imagine what it must be like for you she then went on

    to say that she gets to Brixton tube station looking for me and

    I am not there. We use to meet each other every morning at the

    station and travel together on our way to work. When she said

    that God only knows how it didnt break as my heart literally

    broke in two.

    Even to this day I sometimes find it hard when people speak

    to me about my stroke but I try so hard to appear strong and

    not cry in front of them. There times I think I am emotionally

    stronger than before but I am just kidding myself as I am a

    human being and I do have feelings. To be honest, I was so

    wrapped up in myself I didnt realise the effect it had had on

    my family, I broke down for the first time around two years

    after I had the stroke it felt good. I didnt know I could cry

    like that or even make sounds like that. There was always

    something keeping me going and I now know it was/is Gods

    grace. God has got me where he wants me. I cannot run from

    him anymore and I literally cannot run now. I know that God

    will restore everything that I have lost such as energy, the

    ability to write and type. I know that when he restores

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    everything I will get it all back 200% because my God is an

    awesome God and nothing is impossible for him. All things

    work together for good:Romans 8:28. This verse now makes

    sense to me it use to irritate me when people would say that to

    me. I would get angry real quick as I never believed it. I can

    now say it is all working together for good. THANK YOU

    YESHUA MY SAVIOUR AND KING I LOVE YOU AND

    THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME AND BLESSING ME.

    CONTINUE TO HEAL AND STRENGTHEN ME IN

    JESUS NAME AMEN.

    I MADE IT

    IT is now Jan 2010 and it is just over one month of my

    baptism. My sad days are few and far between my focus is on

    God. I have that peace that surpasses all understanding. I give

    all my burdens and fears to God. I wait for him to answer I

    dance in my living room to worship hymns praising him,

    falling to my knees and praying to him. It is beautiful. I know

    God has a purpose for me. People stop me in the streets andask me what have I done to my leg?

    I say my leg is fine, I had a massive stroke, then they

    comment on how good I look and I have to give God the glory

    and with a big smile on my face I tell them it is by Gods

    grace as I didnt do this by myself. The funny thing is they

    look more sad than I do and a lot of the time I end up

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    witnessing to them based on that one question what I have I

    done to my leg? God works in mysterious ways. I use to be

    scared of the dark and said I would never live alone for fear ofliving alone. God has taken those fears away, I sleep in the

    dark after my TV switches itself off and I also live alone. I am

    however, slowly trying to conquer my fear of travelling on the

    buses. I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and yes I

    am tired with the whole aftermath of having had a stroke. God

    is with me all the time so I carry on until he calls me home I

    fear nothing now and know soon that I will able to do the

    things that I use to be able to do. You know someone said to

    me just the other day that he didnt know I lived alone he

    always thought someone lived with me. He then said what if I

    was to have a crisis. What he really meant was what if I had

    another stroke. I said if that is going to happen then it is going

    to happen but I cannot live my life in fear of having another

    stroke. If I were to do that I would not be living.

    CARRY ON

    I give thanks to God everyday now he is my life and I

    sometimes wished I had found him a long time ago but they

    say nothing before its time. I still relive that morning of the

    22nd October 2007 all the time and as much as it is sad, it is

    also a reminder of that day when God spoke to me ({audibly).

    This is another separate journal in itself The day my life

    changed.....Watch this space.

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    nb] please note that I no longer have the fear of this happening

    to my sister as mentioned on page 3 . Thank you Jesus.

    THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED

    PART 2

    Heavenly father, touch this person as

    they read this, convict them lord. Draw

    them close to you so that they become an

    ambassador for you lord. let them knowthat you are real .let them know you are

    the truth the way and the life. Amen

    I had just started a new job. Having worked at a criminal law

    firm for a year for a Partner and a Solicitor. I was very happy

    here and I believed that I had the best boss in the whole wide

    world. I manage to get this job whilst working as a

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    Receptionist for a law firm. I got to the stage where I was fed

    up with my role, bored and frustrated. So I spoke to my

    manager about doing a Legal Secretarial course. I got all theoptions and chose the most expensive course (the firm was

    paying for it). I have always gone for the best. Yes, my taste

    sometimes can be on the expensive side, but what the heck, If

    it made me happy, then why not!

    The year is 2007, around about July. I am going to the hospital

    to have operation on my shoulder. No one knows I have a fear

    of being put to sleep. I fear that I will never wake up. Me and

    my boyfriend (at the time) travel to hospital in silence. He is

    unaware that the tears are rolling down my face as my face is

    turned away from him. We get there and I report to reception.

    The hospital is like a big house. It is private hospital. I was

    fortunate to get this due to no room at the hospital where I

    should have had the operation. I go up in the lift to my room.

    Its very nice and I am well pleased, en suite shower/toilet and

    TV comfy bed. I start to nose around and I discover a pair of

    brand new slippers in the cupboard obviously meant for the

    patient. I put them in my bag laughing even though they are

    like 3 sizes up from my shoe size. I go down to theatre and

    whilst in the lift with the nurse she notices that I am wearing

    my own slippers. She stops the lift to go back up. She informs

    me that I am not allowed to wear my slippers into theatre due

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    to

    risk of bringing in germs. We go back to my room and she

    states that there should be a pair of slippers here. Me and my

    boyfriend look at each other as the slippers are in my bag. I

    wasnt about to let her know that I had taken them. She was

    baffled so I think I went down barefooted. My feet were coldin the lift and I was thinking I wish I had slippers on. They

    say A thief never prospers. Oh well, I think, serve your

    right. We get to the room I, there are two surgeons in there. I

    climb up on the bed and they brief me about putting me to

    sleep. They inject me and tell me to count to 3 or 10 I cannot

    remember. I reach to 2. When I came to I had an oxygen mask

    on my face. I remember thinking where is all this freezing

    cold air coming from I try to remove it from my face with my

    left arm. I had the operation on my left shoulder. The nurse

    comes to life, she startles me and jumps up and tells me not to

    move my arm. I rest for a while but I dont want to get too

    comfortable as I know I have to leave soon so I dont see the

    point in sleeping and I start to get ready to leave as I want to

    go home to my own bed where I can sleep without worrying

    about having to get up again. On the way home in the car I

    feel sick and I want to throw up. I tell my boyfriend to pull

    over. I open the door and wretch but nothing comes up. How

    annoying you know those times when you want to be sick so

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    that you can feel better and it doesnt happen?

    I am home now and my mum looks after me and I soak up allthe looking after from her like a big baby.

    I am off work on sick leave. Whilst on sick leave a friend of

    mine called me at home informing me of a secretarial role that

    had become available where she worked for a law firm that

    specialises in Property. It involved working for a partner and

    an associate, it sounded good. Then she said that I would have

    to do a typing test. My heart sank so I immediately started to

    panic and started to back up a bit. I told her that I cannot do

    much typing due to my operation. After she discussed this

    with the relevant people she came back to me and told me that

    they said they would take into consideration that I had had an

    operation and not to worry. So I went along to the interview.

    When I arrived I recognised the lady on reception, I had

    worked with her a few years ago when I worked as a temp.

    The interview went well. By the time I got back to Clapham

    North tube station I received a call from them inviting me for

    a second interview. We arranged a day and straight away I

    start thinking what I am going to wear. I am now feeling

    guilty as I feel that I am betraying my boss and it didnt make

    feel any better because he is such a lovely man and I am on

    sick leave.

    I attend the second interview the gentleman that came out to

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    greet me was not how I visualised him to look. I had already

    created an image in my mind as my friend had spoken about

    him to me several times Marvin this and Marvin that. So

    now I am creating an image of Marvin in my head. He is

    shorter than I expected but warm. We shake hands and went

    into a room just off the reception area.

    There is a large table with several chairs and the room isnt

    particularly warm. I dont know where to sit and I feel like a

    child, searching for a familiar face, feeling nervous and

    isolated. This may well have been nerves kicking in. They

    start to interview me and after a few minutes they excuse

    themselves and I am thinking gosh the interview didnt last

    long. Not a good sign. They came back in and said the magic

    words we would like to offer you the job. I smile a big smile

    and all I want to really do is jump out the chair and leave the

    room to find my friend to share the good news. I held it

    together, thanked them, and then went on my way.

    I am on the underground thinking oh my gosh I have never

    earned so much money in my life. I am thinking ahead now,

    already making plans spending the money which I have not

    even started to earn yet. I exit Clapham North tube station and

    start walking, but strangely enough the excitement I had just

    felt a few seconds before had disappeared. I am battling

    within, something doesnt feel right. I get home and relax on

    the bed in my room and start thinking again about how I

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    would spend the money. The excitement is back but once

    again short lived. I ignore this feeling and carry on with the

    day.

    I want to share this news with my sister, but she is away on

    holiday. So I send her a text I have got a new job 28k a few

    seconds later she responds what, when and where. I laugh and

    reply.

    I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder but get on with it. My

    mum is spoiling me serving me breakfast when I shout

    downstairs to her mum, can I have some egg without the yolk

    and plantain please with beans? I sit and wait in my room for

    it. I smell the food and cannot wait to eat it. This is a luxury

    as I dont usually have breakfast but I am taking advantage of

    the situation that I need assistance and that I am getting

    room service

    I am recovering fine now, although experiencing lots of pain

    with my shoulder. Every Sunday my

    sister and her family come round for their dinner. This

    particular Sunday my cousins came round too. We are all

    round the table and they start taking the mickey out of my

    shoulder as I am still wearing a sling. So they say Pass methe ketchup please and then say Oops sorry you cannot and

    then burst out laughing. I laugh with them but after the

    second or third time I am tired of the joke as it is no longer a

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    joke to me now because I am already frustrated that I am

    restricted with the use of my left arm. As I am left-handed it

    didnt help. I started to learn to do things with my right hand.

    As I type this the Holy Spirit has just comes to me and tells

    me that God was preparing me in advance. For what was to

    come I will explain later on.

    I am preparing to go back to work but also nervous as I will be

    handing in my notice and I feel really guilty that I am doing

    this to them. My bosses especially. I hand in my notice and it

    went better than I expected I sit at my desk and convince

    myself that this is a new beginning and that I am doing the

    right thing.

    As I sit facing everybody I am at the head of the table and I

    could see all of my colleagues, there was 4 of us in total. It felt

    from where I was sitting that I was watching over them.

    Sometimes I would lean back in the chair and think that I am

    getting out of this dump, I am going to nicer offices, I will beearning a decent wage which was due to go up by another

    couple of grand in October or November. My birthday is

    approaching soon at the end of August). I start my new job on

    September 11th if I remember correctly. Those feelings come

    back about my new job. It is not sitting right with me but I

    cannot put my finger on it. A little voice in my right ear and at

    the back of my head on the right hand side keeps saying

    workload workload, workload. I ask my friend what the

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    workload was like, she replies I dont know. I dont know!

    Angrily.

    My cousin, myself and my friend arrange to go out for a meal

    after work as it is my birthday I am excited I have just turned

    36 years old. I feel different today not just because it is my

    birthday but I am looking very professional by the way that I

    have dressed. I feel confident as I am starting anew. I have

    planned to buy a flat and have arranged a mortgage, things are

    looking up and I am on top of the world. New job, loads more

    money and a new home. I am floating. I even like the sound

    of my little heels on my boots as I walk. Each clink of the heel

    represents something. As I walk pretty fast one,

    two, one two. The first two clinks scream new job, the second

    set of clinks represent new flat, the third set, loadsa money,

    the nextyou go girl! I walk with more confidence as I feel all

    my dreams have been answered. I do not see the other people

    in the street, its just me, myself and I.

    If I make eye contact with anyone or look at anyone I think

    do you know how happy I am and how much I earn now? and

    I think what is going on in your life I know whats going on

    in mine. Im moving up! The evening is a pleasant one and I

    ask my friend as we sit around the table about the workload as

    the voice workload, workload screams at me. She gets

    extremely irritated and responds in a drawn out I dont

    know shuffling in her chair with each spoken word. I just do

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    not understand why she gets so irritated whenever I ask her

    this. My cousin is taken aback when we discuss it later as she

    couldnt understand why she had responded like that. Anyway

    we call it a night as I dont fancy doing anything else. I have

    always been like that. Once I have eaten at a restaurant I just

    want to go home.

    I prepare myself mentally and physically for my new job. The

    little voice still screams at me and I am still feeling something

    but I dont know what it is. This feeling had been there from

    the time the job was offered to me, just niggling at me.

    I START NEW JOB

    I meet my sister at Brixton tube station and we travel to work.

    We meet each other every morning at the station. I am a bit

    nervous as all I want to do is get stuck in and get into a

    routine. The first couple of hours I spend with the IT person.

    My friend had warned me about the partner that I would be

    working for, that none of the other partners liked him and theyall thought he was a ****!

    I was interested in meeting this man as I am not intimidated

    by anyones position in the workplace so it was come, bring it

    on because I wont be taking no crap from you. Maybe that

    was my true South London side coming out. I am getting fed

    up sitting with the IT person as it is So much to take in. In the

    middle of our sessionthe Partner who I would be working forcomes in to meet me. For a few seconds I was unsure about

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    him and it wasnt long enough for me to sum him up. I do

    have a good judge of character so the mere fact that my spirit

    didnt feel too uneasy was a good sign. I have finished in ITand I cannot wait for lunch time to come so I could go a have

    a glass of wine for lunch.

    So far, so good. I really thought my friend was going to invite

    me out to lunch as she was the only person I knew other than

    the lady on reception. Lunchtime came my friend worked in

    an office to the side of me, she had to pass me to get to her

    office. Her colleague shouted out if she was ready. My heart

    sank as I realised they were going out to lunch together and

    she hadnt invited me. I felt alone and a bit sad as I couldnt

    believe she had done that. Oh well I just brushed myself off

    and got on with it, but I still felt that was a bit messed up.

    Dont get me wrong I have started new jobs where I do not

    know anyone but somebody would always invite me out or

    suggest somewhere to go. After about day 3 I would reach

    home and was so glad to be home and I just wanted to cry as

    the work load is like Mount Everest. I had so much files on

    my desk you couldnt see the colour of my desk. One of the

    secretaries was complaining to me about my files on the floor

    as she tripped over them. I was drowning. My emails to my

    boyfriend consisted of the words pressure, pressure,

    pressure he really didnt support me or encourage me at this

    time.

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    Come week 2, I was getting into work at 7.00am I would be

    behind my desk trying to beat the workload. Now I know why

    that voice was screaming at me. One day at work I sat there

    massaging the back of my neck because I had a headache (

    this is the same spot that the lady massaged later on inthis

    journal). I now think I have made the biggest mistake taking

    this job I want to cry and I dont care about the money

    anymore. I now see a different side to my friend. I am now

    thinking maybe it was a mistake working with her as we had

    already argued. Can you believe it? We argued about the

    partner I worked for. It was something about what she

    thought of him and she was really slaging him off. I thought

    he was ok we got on. As we had words as maybe arguing is

    too strong a word to use I notice that her face is getting red. I

    now know she is getting upset. I am not sure if I ended it by

    saying I am not going to jump on the bandwagon because

    everyone else has and join them by disliking him I will draw

    my own conclusion.

    I went back to my seat and a few minutes later she came out

    and loudly said to another secretary that Yeah I think you

    were right about what you said or words to that effect. I do

    not have a degree, but I am no fool I knew right away that she

    meant that maybe it wasnt a good idea to work with a friend.

    As I said earlier on I saw a different side to my friend. I am

    extremely busy I even have someone else helping me even

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    between the two of us I cannot see the piles going down as I

    am drowning. Even the woman that I worked for came out and

    said to me in her irritating fine well spoken voice Juliet areyou drowning? I said yes I am. I am so stressed out I am not

    telling anyone how I feel I am just carrying on.

    Me and my friend managed to go out to lunch, I think it was

    Thursday of week 2 . We went to a Chinese restaurant as we

    were talking and I cried out ouch I looked at my hand only

    to see that it was bleeding. My friend said to me I had been

    scratching my hand since we arrived. I now believe this is a

    sign of me being stressed or suffering from anxiety. I didnt

    even realise and didnt feel anything. It is the Friday of week

    2 and both of the people I work for took me out separately.

    The woman took me out in the morning. I had got in at

    7.00am hoping to get a bit of work done but she wanted to

    take me out to talk to me. All I was thinking was not now I

    have so much work to do that is why I came in early again.

    She took me to a coffee shop, I dont even drink coffee. She

    mentioned that she thought I was rushing some of her work as

    I was making mistakes she mentioned something about me not

    losing my job. I said to her that I am rushing everything as

    you mark everything as urgent She didnt offer up any

    solution. I went back to the office. Snowed under. I realize I

    really do not like it here at all, I feel like I dont belong, I feel

    like an outsider. She had already emailed the partner that I

    worked for about our chat. She tells me this when I walk into

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    her office. She tells him something else which I remember

    that he reallydidnt need to know. So I start to strangle hermoving her back and forth. I admit I got carried away and to

    be honest I was enjoying it. I remember feeling her fingers

    trying to prise my fingers from off around her neck. When I

    look at her she looked red. I didnt realise how tight a grip I

    had of her neck. I am so stressed out maybe I really wanted to

    kill her at that moment maybe temporary insanity took me

    over and I am trying to keep afloat. I cannot speak to anyone

    as I do not want to appear incompetent, being the new girl. I

    just get on with it without asking any questions. The partner

    takes me out a plush Chinese restaurant and buys me lunch.

    He takes an interest in me trying to get to know me better, I

    dont mind this I actually welcome it. He then says to me as

    he if there is anything that he can do to make things

    easier/better. I mentioned his handwriting that I struggle to

    read it. I felt that trying to decipher it meant wasting time and

    I didnthave time to waste as I had far too much work to do. It was a

    pleasant afternoon and I appreciated it. His hobby was fishing

    and he said he would catch a fish for me and bring it in. I was

    dreading going back but also wanted to get back to finish the

    work.

    We got back and one the Secretaries asked me where we went

    and I told her we had taken me and she was shocked and

    surprised eyebrows were raised and of course people starting

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    putting 2 and 2 together and came up with 150! He had a

    beautiful singing voice and I would go into his office and

    demand that he sing to me and I would dance as he sang. Hewould do this reluctantly but once he got going I had goose

    bumps all over me. I thought he was a really nice man with a

    beautiful family.

    From that lunch we shared we built up a working relationship

    it felt like we had made peace with each other although there

    was really no real tension there in the first place.. I am hoping

    to leave work at around 3.00pm as I started at 7.00am and I

    have an appointment at the hairdresser. I am stressed as ever.

    3.00pm has passed and I am now vex as I shouldnt be here

    still working I make a mental note that I would not be coming

    in at 7.00am anymore I will do my contracted hours and if the

    work does not get done then tough! I am typing a document

    for him I am now more interested in getting to my hair

    appointment. He hands me back document after making

    changes. This goes on for a while and I lose it as I know that I

    have made the changes when he says that I havent.

    I am paranoid now I truly believe I am going mad I snap at

    him and walk out of his office. I explain to IT what is

    happening. It turns out that the settings on his computer are

    different to mine so he could see never see any of the changes

    I made. I tell him I am going now as I have an appointment. I

    am vex. He catches me on the way out and tries to reassure

    me that everything will be ok and that I neednt be upset

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    because he isnt. I laughed nervously when he said that

    because now I feel bad for snapping at him.

    I get outside and sigh heavily, glad to get out.

    I dont sleep well at night I toss and turn feeling bad about

    work and thinking how I could easily have been sacked for

    speaking to him like that. I knew this was very much unlike

    me as I would never dream of speaking to any boss the way I

    spoke to him. It is now Saturday I still cannot switch off from

    work my favourite DJ is on the radio now and I love listening

    to him and I try to relax but it is not working. Its bedtime

    again I have another night thinking about work everything is

    literally

    spinning in my head like a fruit machine. I dont know how to

    switch off from work and the weekend is not relaxing. I have

    spoken to my cousin and moaned to her about work and how I

    felt.

    Sunday night the same thing.

    Monday 22nd

    October (week 3)fter a bad night it is time for work again. I texted my sister

    to let her know that I would be meeting her that morning. I am

    going to do my normal hours. I shower have my hot water

    and toast.

    I run upstairs to get the last of my things from my bedroom

    and realise I have a slight headache on the right side of my

    temple. I take one pill to nip it in the bud. I head out and see

    my neighbor who lives at the other end of my parents road I

    A

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    shout out Good morning Mr Cooper then I head off up the

    road. As I get to the top of the road I see that bus is stationary

    at the bus stop. A lady is jogging past me, not running. I makea mental decision that I am not going to run as I dont run for

    buses anyway I feel I am too cute to do that. I continue

    walking, then out of nowhere a gentle still voice says in my

    left ear IF SHE CAN DO IT SO CAN YOU I automatically

    knew it was referring to the lady who had just jogged past me.

    All of a sudden my legs start running, and I am now side by

    side with this lady. We both get on the bus. It was very full I

    stood near the driver holding on. The bus pulled off and my

    head started pounding I wanted to be sick but I was trying to

    hold it. I knew if I were to be sick it would end up on the

    person in front of me. I was thinking I had to get off NOW! I

    arrived at my stop and stepped down off the bus. I realised I

    came down really heavily as if someone had placed their

    hands on the top of my back and pushed me off. That didnt

    happen though, I am just trying to explain how it felt. I start

    walking but I notice I am not walking right, I have no co-

    ordination I am walking as If I am drunk. It felt like I was

    being pulled, like a piece of rope had been tied around my

    stomach and someone was at the other end reeling me in. I get

    to the crossing and I couldnt stand still. My legs had a life of

    their own I was hopping from one leg to the other like I was in

    desperate need of the toilet. Strangely enough I knew at that

    point I couldnt walk. So, I placed my hand in my handbag

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    trying to get my mobile phone out to call my sister who is

    waiting for me on the other side of the road at the station. I

    wanted her to come and get me and take me to the other side

    of the road. I felt that if she came to me everything would be

    ok. I was desperate for her to come and get me as I knew I

    couldnt cross by myself.the lights have now changed to red

    and everybody starts to cross and I get caught up in the

    moment and forget what I was originally doing. I start to

    cross but I stumble. I am scared as I dont know what is

    happening. A lady puts her arm out to break the fall and she

    asks me if I am alright. I tell her No, I dont feel good and

    land on the floor. She and someone else pull me out of the

    road and onto the pavement as I was half on the pavement and

    half in the road. I am still conscious but I dont know what is

    happening.

    I think before I went to cross I manage to get my phone out of

    my handbag as I am lying on the floor and my phone is in my

    hand. As my sister is the only person I have spoken to that

    morning I press the green button to call her and then I hand toone of the ladies standing over me. I ask her to tell my sister

    where I am. I remember the lady held me in her arms and she

    was cradling me and she was

    massaging the right spot at the back of my neck (the same

    spot I massaged when I was at work. See above). I remember

    saying to her That feels nice and she replied You feel quite

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    tense here. Little did we know that place was a crucial spot.

    Here I am lying on the floor not knowing what is happening,

    embarrassed that I am lying on the floor in the middle ofBrixton in the heart of the rush hour. I am feeling real tired

    now and I think I am glad to not be going to work today.

    Oodles of people are walking past me looking at me yet no

    one stops to ask if I need help or if there is anything that they

    could do. I remember looking up as I heard someone say has

    anyone called an ambulance? I made eye contact with the

    man who I think just asked about the ambulance. He looked at

    me and asked me if I wanted him to call the ambulance. I

    didnt answer not that I didnt want to but that question

    became the number one question, it became very important

    now he has just made me realise this is serious. I just

    continued looking at him I think I was searching for

    something in his face I dont know what, maybe reassurance

    to let me know that its OK. He repeated the question again

    but he was a lot firmer this time which kind of snapped me out

    of wherever I was and brought me back to me lying on the

    floor. I nodded yes. I am nodding yes but thinking I dont need

    an ambulance there is nothing wrong with me. The lady is still

    holding me and I remember the feeling of rolling my eyes then

    I closed them. The lady holding me screamed out a piercing

    Nooooooooooooooooooooo I came round immediately. When

    I closed my eyes I thought how it is dark in here. You notice I

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    stated it is dark in here. It was as if I was a placed inside

    somewhere. Extremely dark no hint of any light although it

    was a bright morning. That is what it felt and looked like and

    the thought was an

    automatic thought I never closed my eyes again whilst I was

    lyingon the floor. My sister finally arrived and she asked mewhat was wrong, I said Its my head. When I said this I

    realised I was slurring and my face felt tight. I tried to shift

    position on the floor as I was lying on my left side. I couldnt

    move. I didnt force it and never said anything. I could hear

    the ambulance coming and I was still thinking that I dont

    need it. The ambulance men picked me up and were telling me

    to stand up. I couldnt stand my legs were floppy they felt like

    there were no bones in them. They picked me up and put me

    on the stretcher I remember as they had me in the air I was

    silently panicking hoping that they would not let me fall off

    the stretcher.

    As I lay on the stretcher in the ambulance looking at my left

    arm which was positioned by my side but I couldntunderstand that although it was by my side it felt like It was

    up in the air. I remember oh no I want to be sick. My sister

    was standing in the ambulance and I thought I was saying to

    her I cannot move my leg or arm and I want to be sick. I

    continue looking at her and wonder why she was

    not answering me. My cousin enters the ambulance and she

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    asks me what is wrong. I cannot remember my response but

    she said I said to her I have had a stroke ennit?(South

    London slang comes out). She responded by trying to denythis but I knew that she was not telling me the truth. I could

    see the panic and shock on her face. I knew something was up

    as my face felt real funny. I asked my sister at a later date why

    she didnt answer me in the ambulance? She said I never said

    a word.

    e arrived the hospital now and I believe I was in and out of

    consciousness as the next thing I know is that I am being

    wheeled pass my family on a bed I briefly see my mum and

    dads faces and they look real concerned, worried. I

    remember my cousin blew me a kiss. I think I managed a

    weak smile. I wake again only because something has woke

    me out of my unconscious state. I feel probing going on inside

    my head and I dont like it. I try to get up several times and

    the nurse tells me not to try and get up otherwise I will

    dislodge it. She has just confirmed that something is in my

    head. I keep on trying to get up and then all of a sudden my

    right leg starts to hurt me really badly.

    I start to cry, I mean proper wailing like a baby. To me it

    sounded pathetic but the pain was excruciating, I heard the

    panic in their voices when I kept crying out my leg and they

    ask me what is wrong? The doctor offered to massage it and I

    accepted

    W

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    I do not remember being brought onto a ward I think I was

    still in and out of consciousness. I remember where I was the

    curtain was drawn around me and my family were there. I

    remember being awoken by kisses, especially the one from my

    mum as she identified who she was and I remember thinking

    mum, I know its you. I remember trying to focus on everyone

    around my bed and I found this real hard to do. I was trying to

    keep my eyes open. I was extremely tired. I cannot remember

    when it was confirmed to me that I had suffered a stroke my

    boyfriend spoon fed me some yellow stuff I cannot remember

    what it was but it didnt taste too bad. I was really hungry as I

    was told later on rthat I had been sick sick several times. I

    have recollection of this but this would mean that my stmach

    is empty. The nurses came round and helped me out of bed

    and as they steadied me I was sick all over the nurses hand.

    All the yellow stuff that I had eaten came up.

    I had a little moment to myself where I was left alone I was

    trying to move my leg but it would not move I start thinkingto myself what If I end up in a wheelchair. My sister came in

    from behind the curtain and asked me if I was scared? I

    remember saying No, as I wasnt. I was more grateful for

    the rest than anything else and not having to be at work.

    Everyone came to kiss me goodbye and I remember thinking

    please dont leave me here. I couldnt sleep as the man in the

    next bed snored heavily and he kept me awake half the night.

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    I missed my little kitten Olivia. We had bonded and I knew

    she would be missing me.

    The next morning the nurse came to check to see how I was

    and she asked me how I slept and I didnt really because of the

    man beside me snoring all night.

    I was moved off the ward into my own room. Thank goodness.

    I was constantly tired. Physio started and it would be in the

    mornings when all I wanted to do was sleep. The room was

    cold I remember a few days later my sister came into my

    hospital room and informed me that the Consultant said that if

    I didnt run for the bus I would be dead or the clot would have

    got bigger and bigger and the result would have been a lot

    worse. If you remember a few pages back when I said the

    lady massaged the back of my neck and I said it felt good. She

    was massaging the spot where the clot was. I know that the

    voice I heard that morning was the voice of God prompting

    me to run he kept the stroke moving. THANK YOU JESUS.

    I also believe that the time that I closed my eyes when the

    woman held me and thought it was extremely dark even

    though it was after 8 in the morning. If you close your eyes

    and you are outside you should see some brightness through

    your eyelids. But it was pitch black and I thought that straight

    away even though I was having a stroke. I believe I was on

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    my way to hell but the ladys scream brought me back.

    One day my sister came into my hospital room and asked me

    if I had seen the black man on a bike. I said no she was

    shocked and said that he was there the entire time. My cousin

    informed that when my sister called her that morning to let her

    know what had happened she rushed out of Tescos express

    and drove to where I was. She was in Dulwich. We grew up

    together this is one of the cousins I referred to in the

    introduction and lived together for a few years so she always

    told people we were all sisters and some people naturally

    believed that we were sisters. She drove down Coldharbour

    lane and got caught at the lights beside Kentucky. She said a

    black man on his bike came up to the car and said Your sister

    is over there go over there quick she needs you she then said

    to him that she had to go round the one way system but he told

    her to drive straight over as he would stop the traffic. She

    replied that she could not do that. When she turned back

    around he was gone.

    Now who was this man and how did he know who my cousin

    was? I am gutted I that I cannot place this man at the scene.

    But I know that he was an angel.

    he ambulance was approaching apparently he flagged them

    down. I believe in angels . . .

    FOR HE SHALL GIVE HIS ANGELS CHARGE OVER

    YOU, TO KEEP YOU IN ALL YOUR WAYS. IN THEIR

    T

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    HANDS THEY SHALL BEAR YOU UP LEST YOU

    DASH YOUR FOOT AGAINST A STONE. Psalms:

    91:11-12.I believe this verse refers to all of the above and I also believe

    that God orchestrated that morning as he is now orchestrating

    my life.

    I came home after several days the first thing I do is look for

    my cat. I notice the adaptations that have been made. I hold

    onto the new railings and walk to the top of the house. I am

    exhausted, but I need to

    see my cat. I get to the top and see her. She shows no interest

    in me and I am disappointed. I turn to walk back down the

    stairs. Panic grips me as I start thinking how on earth am I

    going to get down from up here. The adaptations stopped on

    the landing below. So now I only have one side to hold onto.

    Slowly but surely, one step at a time I make my way

    down the stairs, holding on for dear life, not breathing as I am

    really concentrating on not falling or missing my step. I am

    getting hot and the sweat is pricking my body so now all I

    want to do is scratch. I cannot let get go, I am too scared and

    stopping to scratch is not an option. I reach the bottom intact

    and sigh heavily. It all begins now, the journey.

    I climb into bed still trying to get my head around having had

    a stroke. I dont know what lies ahead. I am glad to be in my

    own bed and in my own room.

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    The next few days consist of people coming round to see me.

    These people are linked to helping stroke victims

    Occupational Health, Social worker etc.

    I am exhausted and I do not welcome their visits anymore, I

    just want to be left alone in peace. I hate

    hearing the door bell ring. I hate hearing the voices downstairs

    as they sound so happy whilst I am here feeling angry, sad and

    frustrated. All I want is peace and to recovery quietly

    uninterrupted.

    I remember one day being really fed up of the noise, I was

    craving peace and just wanted to be alone. I couldnt sleep

    when I wanted to and spent most nights awake without

    sleeping. I am not eating. I get real frustrated and I cry out to

    God with tears and snot running down my face not asking him

    to heal me but asking him to move me out of here as I feel I

    need a quiet place so that I can recover in peace. It sounds

    harsh. Dont get me wrong if you remember I was planning onbuying a flat and now my dreams had been shattered so now I

    still want to get out. My parents love me, I know this but that

    didnt matter. I asked God to hand pick my home and move in

    with me. (I wasnt saved at this point). I dont think I even

    thanked him for keeping meit was all about I want and I

    need.

    I went to Turkey for a week with my sister, brother in law,

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    nieces and two cousins and sisters and friend I said I would

    go as I thought I could do with a break. Before I left I had

    already put into motion about trying to get a flat from thecouncil. The villa we stayed in was beautiful. I was really tired

    but tried my best to keep up with the others. The villa had a

    pool and I would sit on the veranda every morning with and

    watch the family in the pool. Tears would roll down my face

    as I wished I was a part of it. I felt alone , really alone. They

    looked like they were having lots of fun and all I could do was

    watch. One of them spots the tears rolling down my face and

    now everyone is around me. This just makes me cry even

    more. They Ask me what is wrong? I tell them that I wish I

    could swim. I can swim naturally anyway. But my disability

    affected this. I andMy brother in law went out and he bought

    me some floats .The floats were a life saver as I was able to

    take part in the games. Thank you Efrem for buying those

    floats for me they were truly needed. However, I did notice

    with all of the kicking I did with my legs, when I came out of

    the pool they felt like weights had been attached to them.

    The holiday comes to an end. I am not as brown as I usually

    get when I go away. But I am pleased to be going home. I

    arrived home, picked up my post and drop it on the floor

    beside my bed so that I remember to open it the following

    morning. The next morning or afternoon I cannot remember

    what time of the day it was I pick up my post and open the

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    white envelope first with an address on the front that I do not

    recognize. I am curious. I open it quickly being careful not to

    tear it. Oh my gosh, its a letter stating that the council has

    referred me to an housing association with an address of

    property they have allocated to me. I read on my heart sinks

    because now the letter states I need to respond by a certain

    date this date had passed. I grab the phone and call them

    anyway and ask to speak to the person the letter said I should

    contact. I explain the letter that I have received and that I have

    just come back from being on holiday and that I have also

    missed the date stated on the letter. You know, by the grace of

    God she responds its ok as I am the only nom (nominee).

    How can this be? There are thousands of people on the

    waiting list waiting for a home. It didnt hit me straight away

    that this was God answering my prayer.

    My friend and cousin accompanied me to the interview. The

    woman that I spoke to on the phone reassured me the

    interview was procedure it was just to confirm who I say that I

    am etc. I am still anxious and think I wont meet their criteria.I do meet their criteria and straight after the interview we have

    permission to go and see the property as the workmen should

    still be in there. We get there and press the intercom and we

    are buzzed in. The flat looks ok. Although I think that the

    lounge could be bigger.

    I have a walk in shower. Funny that, as when I was in Turkey

    the villa had a walk in shower and I remember one day whilst

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    taking a shower a thought came into my head which was

    wouldnt it be nice if I had a walk in shower. As quickly as the

    thought came into my head, just as quick it disappearedcompletely. So now, here I am in a flat with a walk in shower.

    God is good.

    I have been living here just over a year now and every

    morning I thank God for life, and my home and everything he

    has provided me with. And we know thatAll things come

    together for good to those who are called according to his

    purpose: Romans 8:28. I know that I have been called. Iheard him before but I did not respond to him. Now, I cannot

    run from him anymore. I am still. Like I mentioned before in

    part 1 of my journal Different strokes for Different PeopleI

    am the happiest I have ever been even though I am still

    recovering from having had a stroke just over 2 years ago.

    I truly believe that God is using me through my illness to

    spread the word as people are drawn to me and I usually end

    up witnessing to them. I have written this, not for myself but

    first and foremost to give all the glory to God and to

    encourage those who do not know Christ to repent and accept

    him as their personal saviour because what he has done/and is

    still doing for me he can do for you.

    I AM PUSHING TO REACH THE FINISH LINE (to

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    reach my maker, so he can say well done my good and

    faithful servant)

    I have found a new church now. I can now walk to church; I

    do not have to rely on being picked up for church or being let

    down. My friend from secondary school invited me to her

    church and after months of contemplating leaving the church

    where I was going I accepted her invitation only to find out it

    was down the road from me. God is good. I debated and

    prayed whether to leave where I was,

    I wasnt sure if I was doing the right thing. I asked God to

    help and told him I was tired on having to rely on being taken

    to church as I do not drive, Since having the stroke I am not

    allowed to drive the stroke has left me with altered awareness.

    Another form of epilepsy. It is where the part of the brain that

    has died is trying to work so gives off little sparks which

    makes me end up in a kind of trance like state. It is also called

    absences or blackouts. I went to this church and I liked it after

    the first visit. It has now been 5 months since I have beengoing to Heart 2 Heart ministries and January 2010 the pastor

    has a message from God the theme for 2010 is THE FINAL

    CALL! I find this theme/heading quite scary because your

    own ideas come into play as to what it means to you. I

    remember going home after the service straight to my parents

    home and I was troubled by that, I kept thinking, gosh there is

    going to be a lot of us that are not going to make it to the

    finish line. I start thinking do you know what Juliet this is

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    serious and I am going to make it because I have to. I will do

    whatever it is required of me to make it in Jesus name. I walk

    to church every Sunday morning I sing hallelujah, hallelujahfor the lord God almighty reigns, holy, holy, are you lord God

    almighty worthy is the lamb for you are holy. The Final Call

    to me means last chance, this is serious, no messing about, get

    ready Surely I am coming soon Revelation22:20

    If you do not have a valid ticket you cannot get on the train,

    plane, coach or even on an angels back. I do not want to be

    left behind. A lady made a speech at my friends funeral a

    couple of weeks ago that we are living in hell hole it was

    funny when she said it because of her Jamaican accent as the

    emphasis was on the Hs. Everybody laughed, but never a

    truer word spoken, the thing is, it is going to get worse. Many

    people hear about Jesus and for some reason, Many are

    called but few chosen Matthew20:16 they fight him resist

    him I am guilty of that myself. He has me where he wants me

    now. I am glad that it happened the way that it has because I

    have time on my hands to get in tune with him, worship him

    pray to him and he has been using me to do certain things and

    he is revealing certain things to me, when I pray he answers

    me and my relationship is like WOW, who would have said

    Juliet Campbell would be sitting here praising God giving

    God the glory in her journal. One day when I was in the car

    with my sister she was playing a reggae gospel CD by Denis

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    Mclean I not a fan of reggae but this particular track makes me

    want to fall to my knees and bawl like a baby. The track is

    called Jesus youre my friend, I will never leave you, Ill

    never betray this love. The rhythm track is a Dennis Brown

    track I think it is called it was the day, well it stars off like

    that. As I sing this in the car this song belongs to me now, you

    know when you hear a track and it stirs up all your emotions

    and you think its your own track. Well this is how I feel about

    this particular track as when I sing it I mean every single word

    of it and sing from the heart, I raise my hands.

    My sister is driving and turns to look at me and says Wow.

    She cannot believe what she is seeing. I tell you something

    she would have a hissy fit if she saw how I carry on at home

    when I am alone with the lord. My niece was speaking to me

    one day over the phone and she made a comment along the

    lines of not believing that I was the same person I was how

    many months ago. My mother made a comment to me the

    other day about the change in me. God has done wonders to

    our relationship. I can say that now as we never had onebefore now God is right there between us. I can literally feel

    him. It feels right now. We can talk freely and openly. I

    shouldnt be surprised as I asked the lord for this and he has

    given me more than I ever imagined The same thing for my

    dad even though my relationship with my dad has always been

    alright, it has just got better Thank you Jesus.

    You know I am at that place where nobody can tell me that

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    God is not real. I am willing to lose my life for Jesus and in

    the name of Jesus. I am willing to be a martyr for him. He

    died for me, so I can die for him he is my master now, mysaviour, my rock, my refuge, my friend, my lover. Remember

    Jesus loves you what he has done for me he can do for you

    and more just give him a chance, let him in. your salvation is

    at risk. Do you really want to live eternally in hell. Or do you

    want to live eternally in heaven? The choice is yours! The

    fool has said in his heart, there is no God Psalm14:1

    Thank you

    Thank you to Jesus

    Twin sis, I love you and I am truly sorry that you were hurting

    whilst watching your twin go through dealing with having had

    a stroke.

    Mum n dad I am sorry that I turned into a monster and took

    out my anger on you when I had the stroke. I love you both

    very much and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive

    me.

    Thank you Shaz, I am sorry please forgive me, you know what

    I am

    talking about, I have already forgiven you and I love you.

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    DUNCAN, Thank you so much, Duncan you know you pulled

    me out of that dark hole when I wanted to end it all, when I

    felt alone and sad, you were there all the way, even now. You

    are a blessing to me and I thank God for blessing me with

    you. I love you bro.

    Big sis Wendy, what can I say, I thank God that you are still

    here with us after you had an aneurism 2 weeks before I had

    my stroke. You are an inspiration and I love you.

    Sue and Michael, isnt life funny, Michael I have known you

    all my life but I know you more now since I have had the

    stroke. Thank you both for being there for me when I am tired

    and have come to a dead end. May God bless you both

    abundantly.

    Thank you to my family for tolerating my moods and anger

    Thank you Debbie H for taking me shopping every Wednesday

    I love you.

    Thank you Kenneth for being there for me at a drop of a hat

    and really understanding what I was going through when I

    didnt get it.I love you.

    Thank you Julyette you know that I would have been lost

    without your massive support, you know what I am talking

    about I love you.

    Thank you Septi for reminding me of my moods J I love you,

    you love me and thank you for being my friend

    Thank you Val, I love you.

    Thank you Tina you know we have that connection, I love you.

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    Thank you Mich, my girl. I cannot find the words to express

    my thanks to you, but you are a true representation of a friend

    I Love you.Thank you Ruth for not giving up on me even when I shut you

    out when you were trying to reach out to me I am sorry please

    forgive me.