diary of a wimpy kid script

55
RODRICK: Greg! GREG: Huh?Wwhat? RODRICK:Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour your aobut to be late for your first day of middle school Greg: wHAT?! gREG LOOKS AT CLOCK READS 8:01 Greg: oh jeese, how did that happen? Rodrick: Go, go, go mom's about to flip out she told me to get you, shes waiting in the car Greg runs down stairs and gets ready for school. His dad runs in with baseball bat Dad: Hiah!What are you doing?What's going on? Greg: Getting rady for(llooks out window and sees darkness)School... Dad: are you insane?School doesnt start till next week and fyi it also doesn't start at 4 am! You woke up manny and if he doesn't go ack to sleep(omom and manny wlak in)good morning. Mom: There is no way he's going back to bed. I just wanted to sleep till six. Dad: go to bed i got him. Momo:Greg what are you up for making all this noise? Greg: It was rodrick he woke me up and he changed my clock

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Page 1: Diary of a wimpy kid script

RODRICK: Greg!

GREG: Huh?Wwhat?

RODRICK:Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour your aobut to be late for your first day of middle school

Greg: wHAT?!

gREG LOOKS AT CLOCK READS 8:01

Greg:  oh jeese, how did that happen?Rodrick: Go, go, go mom's about to flip out she told me to

get you, shes waiting in the car

Greg runs down stairs and gets ready for school. His dad runs in with baseball bat

Dad: Hiah!What are you doing?What's going on?Greg: Getting rady for(llooks out window and sees

darkness)School...Dad: are you insane?School doesnt start till next week and fyi it also doesn't start at 4 am! You woke up manny and if he doesn't go ack to sleep(omom and manny wlak in)good

morning.Mom: There is no way he's going back to bed. I just wanted

to sleep till six.Dad: go to bed i got him.

Momo:Greg what are you up for making all this noise?Greg: It was rodrick he woke me up and he changed my

clock

cut to rodrick sleeping in bed in his room.

Greg: But i swear he was just...Mom: Go to bed.(exits with manny)

Dad:(while exiting) What is that smell?Camera moves back to rodrick who smiles.

Page 2: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Greg:First of all let's get somthing straight this is a hournal not a diary i knoew what it says on the cover but when my

om went out to buy it i specifically told her to gewto get one that didn't saY "DIARY" ON IT.This just proves mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.The only reason i

even agreed to write in this thing was because when i'm rich and famous i'll have better things to do then sit around and

answer people's stupid questions all day long.Reporter: Greg, tell us about your childhood

Reporter 2: Greg were you always so smart and handsome?Greg: Heres my Journal

Mom got me this thing so i could write down my feelings about starting middle school, but i'll be fine its' my best

friend rowley jefferson i'm worried about.hE'S DEFINATELY NOT MIDDLE SCHOOL READY.He doesn't really get the concept og rowing up.I ALWAYS FIGURED THEY WOULD

AMEK A MOVIE ABOUT ME BUT I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD START HERE, I MEAN WHO WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT A

KID STUCK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL with a bunch of morons

gREGS ROOM ALARM CLOCK RINGS

greg gets out of bed and wlaks into hallway. rodrick attacks him

Greg: Let me go rodrick.(wiggles out of headlock)

Rodric: Come on just having some fun right?No ok so look mom told me to give you some adveice about starting

middle school, look its real simple... don't talk to anyone, dont look at anyone dont go any where, dont raise your

hand, dont go to the bathroom,Dont get noticed,dont choose the wrong locker, dont..ah who am i kidding you'll be dead or

homeschoold by the end of the year anyway.

Cut to kitchen. eatsing breakfeast.

Page 3: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Mom: let's get a move on don't want to be late for your fist day of school.

School outsideBell rings, reg walks into mayhem

Greg: Let me just say for the record i think middle school is the worst invention ever.There are juvinile delinquents,

Wweirdos...

Kid1:hey Greg.

Greg: Hey...Thank god their are a few normal people or this place would be a freak show.

Walks int homeroom.

Greg: If your as discriminating as i am it can be tuff to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school.One bad omve and your stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the

year.

Rowley walks in in som forien thing

Rowley;Greg!!(Waves)

Greg: remember how i said rowley wasnt middle school ready?Wwell there you go...

Rowley: Hola amigo.Spanish,Spanish,Spanish

v Wwhat are you waering?

Rowley: My family just gto back from guatemala its my serbare.Nice huh?

Teacher: Alright class I'm mrs.WalkerEverybody take your seats.

Page 4: Diary of a wimpy kid script

reg sits near rowley

Teacher: Wwelcome to your first day f middle school.Remember your seats you'll be sitting here everyday.

Outside on bleachersGreg:Rowley if you had to rank yourself on a popularity scale

of 1 to 200 where would you put yourself? i would put myuself at 19 maybe i would even have a shot a t the top

spot by the end of the year.

Rowley: I s 200 good or bad?

Greg: I would say your around the 154 mark.

Rowley: Wwell who's at the bottom?

Frigglton: Hey guys wanna see my secrewet freckle? it has a hair on it!!!

Greg:Fregly, sent home for hygene issues at least once a month.

Fregly: Check it out.. its got a hair on it!!!

Rowley: What color is that?

Fregly: You wanna help me name it?

Gym Teacher: Alright ladies gather aroundpit the knitting down let's go. alright everybody i am coach molone i will be your gym teacher.P.E. Is as much a part of my life as waking up in the moring and going to the bathroom.I live and breath

phyiscal education! who's with me?Are you ready to have some fun out there?

Rowley: YAH!!

Page 5: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Gym teacher:Great now wwe are gonna divide you into to teams... you there you 2 there you over there ...good.Ok let's

sart with a game i like to call GLADIATOR!

Shots of them playing gladiator(very rough)

Other team runs at them

Rowley: Oh god

They run.

Rowly: Were never gonna out run these guys...

Greg: wew dont have to outrun them we just have to outrun Fregly

Other team tackles fregly

Rowley And greg run under the bleachers

Rowley: Do you think they saw us?

Greg: No, We will hide here for the rest of class.

Rowley: Why?

Greg: Beacause im not playing that game..its not fair... it's barbaric

Haley: It's completey bararic

Boys turn around to see a girl under the bleachers reading

Haley: This place is an itellectuall wasteland

Rowley: You girls get to jump rope..what are you doing hiding?

Page 6: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Haley: Avoiding the pain.It all starts in middle school you no youre not a kid anymore but not an adult either, the prople here are separated bvy intellegance, you know like the girls

youve been friends with since kindergarten.. .they wont evne talk to you anymore.

Greg: K weel ll it sounds like youve got it all figured out so go back to your book

Haley: Thisplace is a glorified holding pen, its where adults put you when you make that akward transition from child to

teenager, Hi im halkey(stick pout her hand for them to shake)

rowley rechees out bt greg stops him.

Greg:We're gonna go now

Rowley: why this is a good spot.

Haley:This is a perfect spot, i survived the entire sixth grade under here and i would enjoy some company to get me

throught the seventh...

Greg: Is that the whistle: I think i hear the whistle, we better go(takes rowley's hand and leads him out)

Howley: Wwhy are we leaving we'll get killed out nhere i n the open

Greg: Put your shirt on theyll tihnk wrere on thewre team.besides being crushed is better than being seen with that freak job, trust me you cant recover from social suicide

Rowley: Ive never talked to a girl that long before

Greg: wow check that out(walks over to cheese with rowley)

Page 7: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Rowley: Is that cheese?

grge reaches down to touch it but fregly runs up and stops him.

Freggly: godnbess man you almost got the cheese otuch\

Greg: The waht?

Kid: The cheese touch. nobody knows when or how but one dat that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop.

nobody knew who ti belongewd to so nobody touched and nobody ever cleaned it up.growing more fowl and powerful by the day then one day a boy named darren walsh made

the biggest moiistake of his life.

kid2: Darren touched the cheese

Darren: no i didnt i just looked at it raly

all the kids ran away

Kid: Darren had the cheese touch it was worse then nuculear cooties.he became an outcast the only way to get rid of the

cheese touch was by passing it on to someone else

darren touches girl

Kid: so it began the cheese touch frenzyfriend turning on friendbrother turning on sister it was maddness until a

german exchange studenttook it away saddley for him he didnt understand the cheese touch thing. tat was lost in

translation so when he moved back to germany he took the cheese touch with him. so the cheese sits patienly waiting

for its next victim.

Rowley;wow

Page 8: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Kid: This is a terrible place

cut to hallway greg walks into the girls bathroom screams then he runs out

cut to cafeteria

Greg: The cafeteria possibly the creulest place on earth but i was about to make some kids day by sitting next to them

walks up to a seat and is about to sit down when kid comes up

Kid 3: That seat is saved

Greg:For who?

Kid 3: Its just saved.

greg walks around to other chair and kid 3 says:

kid3: that ones saved to.

walks up to 3 other people and they say thigs like so not happening, not gonna work, etc.

Rowley: Where are we supposed to eat?

eat next to wal by trash cans with freggly

Freggly: I guess this is where the cool guys hangout?

Greg: Freggly must have bumped his head when he was little like really hard.Ok, Ok so my first day could have gone

better but at least iwasnt humiliated

AS kids are xitingrowley runs twords grg loudly saying:

Page 9: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Rowley: Greg wanna come home with me and have a playdate?

Everyone freezes and looks at greg

Cool kid 1: Waht did he just say to you?

Greg: Oh well I think my ride's here

Cool kdi: So this guy says to that guy you wanna come over and have a playdate..

Rowley:(Puts his arm around greg) Ya do you wanna come to?

See here's the problem right now i have to take ase fromt these morons but in 20 years they will be working for me.

Coolkid adult: Greg please dont fire me i need this job scoping your dog'spoop

Greg rich: I'll think about it.

maid brings himice cream sundae no i said vanilla on bottpom choclate on the top i cant eat this!

cuts to boys walking home

greg: palydate?! ive told you lieka million times that guys our age say hangout

Rowley: Whooops.

Greg: I f your not gonna listen toi me just tell me cause if you keep saying that im gnna be sitting on the cafeteria floor for the rest of middle school i cant e the guy woh eats off his lap

in the caferteriai should be at the top of the food chain by

Page 10: Diary of a wimpy kid script

nowsomthing gotta change, fast

Rowley: My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me

Greg: Tha would be good adveice if you were somone else.

lolded diaper van pulls up in fornt of the house

Rodrick gets out of van.

Rodrick: Hey little brother, your firsat day as crappy as i said it would be?

Greg: No not at all you were wrong it was acuallly-

Rowley: Worse

Rodirck: You didnt listen to me did you? i told you not to talk look or go anywhere and look what that got you

Rowley: He had to eat his lunch on the floor

Rodrick: If no one wants you sitting at there table you think they want chummy buttons?I was right your not gonna make

it out of there alive!The only chance you have of making yearbook is when they dedicate it to your memory.Laughs

and exitsRowley: So wanna play twisted wizard?

Greg: No i have abetter idea...

Rdoricks "attic"

Rowley: If he catches you up here your dead, he will kill you literally kill you

Greg: He's rehearsing, as long as we hear the music we are okay

Page 11: Diary of a wimpy kid script

gets catalog from under bed

Rowey: wow i didnt know rodrick was inot motorcycles

Greg: Now look rodrick's middle school yearbook,Rowley this thing is lieka bible see this is where a person liek me needs

to be, class favorites.There the best in ther class these people arent nobodys there famous, they dont need to worry

about getting a seat in the cafeteria either.Check this out there are tons things i can try for Most likely to suceed best

looking class clown they should just give that to me right now

Rowley; DOnt you have to be funny for that?Hey we could try for cutest friends

Rodrick enters

Rodrick what did i tell you would happen if you ever came  in my room again?

Rowley: But your band is still playing...

Rodrick: Its the bass solo turdx buglar dont yuou now anything about music?! i came up here to get a new

drumstick and since mom and dad are gone im gonig to kill you literally kill you

Rowley: I told you

Rodrick:Beat it rowley

Ok but i just want to say grabs rodricks leg run greg rungreg runs

Rodrick: LET GO BABY HIPPO

Page 12: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Greg runs into his roommand closes and locks the door

Rodrick: Your gonna have to come out sometime lsoer and ills tand here as long as it akes then your dead

greg lloks under door and rodricks shoes are there

Greg: Timeout rodrick i have to pee

Rosrick: No timeouts... only death

Greg: but i reallly have to gorodrick: dont care

greg steps back ff of greg in his room sees man watering outside,speinkler,water drippinghis fish tanklooks under the

door and still sees rodrick's shoes gets armed in hocjey mask and tennis raqet then opens the door and says hiah! there is

none there

looks down and sees rodrick's shoesthen runs to the bathroom

Greg:ahh much better rodrick jumps out of bathtub

Greg and Rodrick: AHHHHH

greg pees on rodrickmom walks in

Mom: What is going on?

Rodrick: Greg sterted it i was just coming in to take a shower

Greg: Hes lying hes trying to kill me cause i was in is room

Mom: So you peed on hium?

Greg: Yes, i mean no i mean

Page 13: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Rodrick: Yes

cut to greg scrubing the bathroom floorCut to janitor sweeping, he skips the cheese

Rowley: Wow theres a lot to sign up for you could be class favorite in a lot of things. Jazz Dancing! we could do that one

together

Greg:I cant believe all these activities they're all so much work.Stayingafter school meeting before school,on

weekends.What kind fo extracirricular activities are these?

Becky:Out of my way.Who let you into this chool greg heffley?

I was thinking the same thing about you patty farrell

Becky:You listen to me Greg heffley Im riunnging for student concilvicepresedent and im warning you,I foyu get in my way ill beat yoiu up jus like i did in kindergarten, and forth grade.

Rowley: Fourth gradse that one was ugly.

Greg:wHATS HER PROBLEM? wHAT DID I EVER DO TO HER?

Rowley: You called her fat AND UGLY

Greg:Come on thta was pretty funny. She needs a sense of humor.And i need somthing to make me a class favorite.

Hely: What about class favorites?

Greg:Doont you ever say hi or hello before you start talking?

Page 14: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Haley:Hi

Rowley:Hello. Oh greg is only here because he really wants to be somthing...

Greg:Rowley!!I was just saying that i would really like to nail these people because its so obvioous that there only doing

these activities to get in the yearbook.

Haley: You know i like your point of view.You should sign up for the school paper. were the voice of the people,Wwell the people are mostly idiots so i guess technically speakingwere

the voice of the people maing fun of the people,

Greg:thanks but i cant be in the paper because im going to be in the paper a lot so that would be a conflict of interest.

Haley: Youre the people got it.

Greg:do you believe me now that girl is crazy town.

rowley:look they have wrestling!

Greg:thats it im gret at wrestling ive watched it for years i know

allt the moves

Flashack

Greg:tombstone piledriver. chair shot.vader bomb.

cut to gym

Greg:okay somthing is seriously worng here.

Page 15: Diary of a wimpy kid script

rowley: these dont look like wrestling costrumes to me.

coach:welcome to wrestling, you future olypians!so just to make sure we all get off on he right foot and nobody gets

seriously injured, were gonna teach you a few basic moves,remember this is about having fun and learning the

sport!ALL RIght itsa not a competiion because everyone here is already superstars to me.

greg raises hand

ya hefflly

what about pile drivers and vater bombs

coach:that is fake wrestling.This is real wrestling!lets go!!

if i have to wrestle benny wells hell kill me

coach:Lets omve comeon!

greggly vs. heffly

coach:alright lets see what you got

Greg:dont worry gregly ill go easy on you

freggly tackles greg

Greg:hEY i wasnt ready

coach:nobody's keeping score but that was a sweet takedown freggly!

shots of freggly fighting greg

Page 16: Diary of a wimpy kid script

coach all right fregly! outstanding. and lets hear it for our other winner

rowley stand up and cheers for greg

greg and rowley waling up hill

Gready?reg:

i cant lose to freggly again

if i get beat by the wierdest kid in school nobody's ever gonna let me sit at thier trable.

rowley:how are you gonna beat him?ts like he had super human stregth

Greg:im gonna gonna beat him. im gonna gain 10pounds this week so i can move up wieght classes and you and i can

wrestle each other.ready?

can i throw at yo now?

Greg:later youre better at riding and im a much better thrower

greg trows ball and he misse s and hits ceramic

dinner

mom:save some for everyone else greg.

Greg:i cant i need to bulk up

mom: why i trhin youtrre bdoy kool sbuetiful just the way it

Page 17: Diary of a wimpy kid script

is.

rodrick: ah i h

eard e got his butt kicked at wrestling.Now whats wrong with you? why would you sign up for somthing you dont have to

do?

dad: you signed up for wrestling?

Greg:kinda

rodrick:you never sign up for anything at school you fly below the radar that way you nver raise anyones

expectations.dad:L thank you rodrick for those words of motovational

wisodm but perhaps a better way to look at it is that it is a chance to learn and excel at somthing.

rodrick: what could i learn at school that i cant teach myself?

dad:well i think think its great youre trying somthing new this is the first step to responsibility!I think you could be big and strong we could train get the right nutrition cardio.you

woul dbe in tip top shape and it would only take like 3 months

Greg:three months?

yeah

ill just stick to eating

Page 18: Diary of a wimpy kid script

well i dont know ere you put it heffley ,but you gained 10 pounds and moved up a classs

yes

rowley: i thought you ididnt gain any wiehg this wwekk

Greg:i used my moms ankle wieghts

alright heffley time to meet youre new opponent

becky is standiong in ready position

wat but his is boys wrestling

becky:ever hear of title nine?

her parents threatened to sue so you show her what its like to wrestle a real live boy!!

they wrestle

circling each other

haley: come on what are yo waiting for dont be such a woose heffley

shes a girl where do i grab her?haley tackles him.

stay down

haley: paty over here

haley takes picture

passing the bleachers.

Page 19: Diary of a wimpy kid script

well look who's in the paper.

rowley: greg your famous! right on the front page!

rowley's bedroom

and if i had pinned her, which i could have done easily,you know i would have gotten in trouble for hutrting a girl.

rowley; why does she even eant to wrestle?

who knows girls are very confusing like today for example i heard somone in the hallway say bryce anderson has a cute

butt

rowley: a butt cant br cute...its a butt

i know but thats' what theyre saying.i dont see why firls cant just talk like normal people

rowley: so how are you gonna become a class favorite now?

two wordsbest dressed

rowley: how are ytou gonna do that?

fashion is easy you wear a shirt and a tie and kids are impressed.Im telling you this is gonna wok.

grge walks down hallway in suit

ses rowley is wearing same thing ta da!

i tod you i was weARING THIS

I KNOW!I WANted to be matchers

Page 20: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Greg:you know maybe rodrick was right about rowley. maybe i do need a new best friend but i cant just ditch him i mean if any

body has a better idea i would like to hear it. Well seince i cant leave rowley and ditch him maybe i can fix him!because

thats the kind of firend i am

what are you doing?

making you clothes more middle school friendlylook at this tuss to babyish and...wird,to"why dont you just punch me

now", wat ar u a fir iexchange dstudent?, oh man this one we burn!!

that was a present from ym mom

well then youre momo is trying to get you killed.

outside

reday steady goorowley walks

non no no you look like one of the seven dwrfs.You only need one strap. One strap is cool

but theres two straps why do they make teo straps if you only usew one?

because the people who make backpacks arent cool!if they werere cool theyd give it one strap like the cool one strap guys do.You know what has one strap?Machine guns.you

know what else electric guitarsyou knoiw wat else-ause i discoveed him.

rowley; purses

Page 21: Diary of a wimpy kid script

but joshie is cool

rowley joshie is not cool hes a lip synchining pop star whose fsans are eight years old girls

youre just jealous because i discovered him

who you gonna trust joshie or me?

joshie says respect your parents and follow your dreams

then joshie must get beatan up a lot.

next day at school

Rodrick: Greg!Greg: Huh?Wwhat?

Rodrick:Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour your aobut to be late for your first day of middle schoolGreg: wHAT?! gREG LOOKS AT CLOCK READS 8:01

Greg:  oh jeese, how did that happen?Rodrick: Go, go, go mom's about to flip out she told me to

get you, shes waiting in the car

Greg runs down stairs and gets ready for school. His dad runs in with baseball bat

Dad: Hiah!What are you doing?What's going on?Greg: Getting rady for(llooks out window and sees

darkness)School...Dad: are you insane?School doesnt start till next week and fyi it also doesn't start at 4 am! You woke up manny and if he doesn't go ack to sleep(omom and manny wlak in)good

morning.Mom: There is no way he's going back to bed. I just wanted

to sleep till six.Dad: go to bed i got him.

Momo:Greg what are you up for making all this noise?

Page 22: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Greg: It was rodrick he woke me up and he changed my clock

cut to rodrick sleeping in bed in his room.

Greg: But i swear he was just...Mom: Go to bed.(exits with manny)

Dad:(while exiting) What is that smell?Camera moves back to rodrick who smiles.

Greg:First of all let's get somthing straight this is a hournal not a diary i knoew what it says on the cover but when my

om went out to buy it i specifically told her to gewto get one that didn't saY "DIARY" ON IT.This just proves mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.The only reason i

even agreed to write in this thing was because when i'm rich and famous i'll have better things to do then sit around and

answer people's stupid questions all day long.Reporter: Greg, tell us about your childhood

Reporter 2: Greg were you always so smart and handsome?Greg: Heres my Journal

Mom got me this thing so i could write down my feelings about starting middle school, but i'll be fine its' my best

friend rowley jefferson i'm worried about.hE'S DEFINATELY NOT MIDDLE SCHOOL READY.He doesn't really get the concept og rowing up.I ALWAYS FIGURED THEY WOULD

AMEK A MOVIE ABOUT ME BUT I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD START HERE, I MEAN WHO WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT A

KID STUCK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL with a bunch of morons

gREGS ROOM ALARM CLOCK RINGS

greg gets out of bed and wlaks into hallway. rodrick attacks him

Greg: Let me go rodrick.(wiggles out of headlock)

Rodric: Come on just having some fun right?No ok so look

Page 23: Diary of a wimpy kid script

mom told me to give you some adveice about starting middle school, look its real simple... don't talk to anyone, dont look at anyone dont go any where, dont raise your

hand, dont go to the bathroom,Dont get noticed,dont choose the wrong locker, dont..ah who am i kidding you'll be dead or

homeschoold by the end of the year anyway.

Cut to kitchen. eatsing breakfeast.

Mom: let's get a move on don't want to be late for your fist day of school.

School outsideBell rings, reg walks into mayhem

Greg: Let me just say for the record i think middle school is the worst invention ever.There are juvinile delinquents,

Wweirdos...

Kid1:hey Greg.

Greg: Hey...Thank god their are a few normal people or this place would be a freak show.

Walks int homeroom.

Greg: If your as discriminating as i am it can be tuff to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school.One bad omve and your stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the

year.

Rowley walks in in som forien thing

Rowley;Greg!!(Waves)

Greg: remember how i said rowley wasnt middle school ready?Wwell there you go...

Page 24: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Rowley: Hola amigo.Spanish,Spanish,Spanish

v Wwhat are you waering?

Rowley: My family just gto back from guatemala its my serbare.Nice huh?

Teacher: Alright class I'm mrs.WalkerEverybody take your seats.

reg sits near rowley

Teacher: Wwelcome to your first day f middle school.Remember your seats you'll be sitting here everyday.

Outside on bleachersGreg:Rowley if you had to rank yourself on a popularity scale

of 1 to 200 where would you put yourself? i would put myuself at 19 maybe i would even have a shot a t the top

spot by the end of the year.

Rowley: I s 200 good or bad?

Greg: I would say your around the 154 mark.

Rowley: Wwell who's at the bottom?

Frigglton: Hey guys wanna see my secrewet freckle? it has a hair on it!!!

Greg:Fregly, sent home for hygene issues at least once a month.

Fregly: Check it out.. its got a hair on it!!!

Rowley: What color is that?

Fregly: You wanna help me name it?

Page 25: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Gym Teacher: Alright ladies gather aroundpit the knitting down let's go. alright everybody i am coach molone i will be your gym teacher.P.E. Is as much a part of my life as waking up in the moring and going to the bathroom.I live and breath

phyiscal education! who's with me?Are you ready to have some fun out there?

Rowley: YAH!!Gym teacher:Great now wwe are gonna divide you into to

teams... you there you 2 there you over there ...good.Ok let's sart with a game i like to call GLADIATOR!

Shots of them playing gladiator(very rough)

Other team runs at them

Rowley: Oh god

They run.

Rowly: Were never gonna out run these guys...

Greg: wew dont have to outrun them we just have to outrun Fregly

Other team tackles fregly

Rowley And greg run under the bleachers

Rowley: Do you think they saw us?

Greg: No, We will hide here for the rest of class.

Rowley: Why?

Greg: Beacause im not playing that game..its not fair... it's barbaric

Page 26: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Haley: It's completey bararic

Boys turn around to see a girl under the bleachers reading

Haley: This place is an itellectuall wasteland

Rowley: You girls get to jump rope..what are you doing hiding?

Haley: Avoiding the pain.It all starts in middle school you no youre not a kid anymore but not an adult either, the prople here are separated bvy intellegance, you know like the girls

youve been friends with since kindergarten.. .they wont evne talk to you anymore.

Greg: K weel ll it sounds like youve got it all figured out so go back to your book

Haley: Thisplace is a glorified holding pen, its where adults put you when you make that akward transition from child to

teenager, Hi im halkey(stick pout her hand for them to shake)

rowley rechees out bt greg stops him.

Greg:We're gonna go now

Rowley: why this is a good spot.

Haley:This is a perfect spot, i survived the entire sixth grade under here and i would enjoy some company to get me

throught the seventh...

Greg: Is that the whistle: I think i hear the whistle, we better go(takes rowley's hand and leads him out)

Howley: Wwhy are we leaving we'll get killed out nhere i n

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the open

Greg: Put your shirt on theyll tihnk wrere on thewre team.besides being crushed is better than being seen with that freak job, trust me you cant recover from social suicide

Rowley: Ive never talked to a girl that long before

Greg: wow check that out(walks over to cheese with rowley)

Rowley: Is that cheese?

grge reaches down to touch it but fregly runs up and stops him.

Freggly: godnbess man you almost got the cheese otuch\

Greg: The waht?

Kid: The cheese touch. nobody knows when or how but one dat that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop.

nobody knew who ti belongewd to so nobody touched and nobody ever cleaned it up.growing more fowl and powerful by the day then one day a boy named darren walsh made

the biggest moiistake of his life.

kid2: Darren touched the cheese

Darren: no i didnt i just looked at it raly

all the kids ran away

Kid: Darren had the cheese touch it was worse then nuculear cooties.he became an outcast the only way to get rid of the

cheese touch was by passing it on to someone else

darren touches girl

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Kid: so it began the cheese touch frenzyfriend turning on friendbrother turning on sister it was maddness until a

german exchange studenttook it away saddley for him he didnt understand the cheese touch thing. tat was lost in

translation so when he moved back to germany he took the cheese touch with him. so the cheese sits patienly waiting

for its next victim.

Rowley;wow

Kid: This is a terrible place

cut to hallway greg walks into the girls bathroom screams then he runs out

cut to cafeteria

Greg: The cafeteria possibly the creulest place on earth but i was about to make some kids day by sitting next to them

walks up to a seat and is about to sit down when kid comes up

Kid 3: That seat is saved

Greg:For who?

Kid 3: Its just saved.

greg walks around to other chair and kid 3 says:

kid3: that ones saved to.

walks up to 3 other people and they say thigs like so not happening, not gonna work, etc.

Rowley: Where are we supposed to eat?

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eat next to wal by trash cans with freggly

Freggly: I guess this is where the cool guys hangout?

Greg: Freggly must have bumped his head when he was little like really hard.Ok, Ok so my first day could have gone

better but at least iwasnt humiliated

AS kids are xitingrowley runs twords grg loudly saying:

Rowley: Greg wanna come home with me and have a playdate?

Everyone freezes and looks at greg

Cool kid 1: Waht did he just say to you?

Greg: Oh well I think my ride's here

Cool kdi: So this guy says to that guy you wanna come over and have a playdate..

Rowley:(Puts his arm around greg) Ya do you wanna come to?

See here's the problem right now i have to take ase fromt these morons but in 20 years they will be working for me.

Coolkid adult: Greg please dont fire me i need this job scoping your dog'spoop

Greg rich: I'll think about it.

maid brings himice cream sundae no i said vanilla on bottpom choclate on the top i cant eat this!

cuts to boys walking home

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greg: palydate?! ive told you lieka million times that guys our age say hangout

Rowley: Whooops.

Greg: I f your not gonna listen toi me just tell me cause if you keep saying that im gnna be sitting on the cafeteria floor for the rest of middle school i cant e the guy woh eats off his lap

in the caferteriai should be at the top of the food chain by nowsomthing gotta change, fast

Rowley: My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me

Greg: Tha would be good adveice if you were somone else.

lolded diaper van pulls up in fornt of the house

Rodrick gets out of van.

Rodrick: Hey little brother, your firsat day as crappy as i said it would be?

Greg: No not at all you were wrong it was acuallly-

Rowley: Worse

Rodirck: You didnt listen to me did you? i told you not to talk look or go anywhere and look what that got you

Rowley: He had to eat his lunch on the floor

Rodrick: If no one wants you sitting at there table you think they want chummy buttons?I was right your not gonna make

it out of there alive!The only chance you have of making yearbook is when they dedicate it to your memory.Laughs

and exitsRowley: So wanna play twisted wizard?

Page 31: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Greg: No i have abetter idea...

Rdoricks "attic"

Rowley: If he catches you up here your dead, he will kill you literally kill you

Greg: He's rehearsing, as long as we hear the music we are okay

gets catalog from under bed

Rowey: wow i didnt know rodrick was inot motorcycles

Greg: Now look rodrick's middle school yearbook,Rowley this thing is lieka bible see this is where a person liek me needs

to be, class favorites.There the best in ther class these people arent nobodys there famous, they dont need to worry

about getting a seat in the cafeteria either.Check this out there are tons things i can try for Most likely to suceed best

looking class clown they should just give that to me right now

Rowley; DOnt you have to be funny for that?Hey we could try for cutest friends

Rodrick enters

Rodrick what did i tell you would happen if you ever came  in my room again?

Rowley: But your band is still playing...

Rodrick: Its the bass solo turdx buglar dont yuou now anything about music?! i came up here to get a new

drumstick and since mom and dad are gone im gonig to kill you literally kill you

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Rowley: I told you

Rodrick:Beat it rowley

Ok but i just want to say grabs rodricks leg run greg rungreg runs

Rodrick: LET GO BABY HIPPO

Greg runs into his roommand closes and locks the door

Rodrick: Your gonna have to come out sometime lsoer and ills tand here as long as it akes then your dead

greg lloks under door and rodricks shoes are there

Greg: Timeout rodrick i have to pee

Rosrick: No timeouts... only death

Greg: but i reallly have to gorodrick: dont care

greg steps back ff of greg in his room sees man watering outside,speinkler,water drippinghis fish tanklooks under the

door and still sees rodrick's shoes gets armed in hocjey mask and tennis raqet then opens the door and says hiah! there is

none there

looks down and sees rodrick's shoesthen runs to the bathroom

Greg:ahh much better rodrick jumps out of bathtub

Greg and Rodrick: AHHHHH

greg pees on rodrickmom walks in

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Mom: What is going on?

Rodrick: Greg sterted it i was just coming in to take a shower

Greg: Hes lying hes trying to kill me cause i was in is room

Mom: So you peed on hium?

Greg: Yes, i mean no i mean

Rodrick: Yes

cut to greg scrubing the bathroom floorCut to janitor sweeping, he skips the cheese

Rowley: Wow theres a lot to sign up for you could be class favorite in a lot of things. Jazz Dancing! we could do that one

together

Greg:I cant believe all these activities they're all so much work.Stayingafter school meeting before school,on

weekends.What kind fo extracirricular activities are these?

Becky:Out of my way.Who let you into this chool greg heffley?

I was thinking the same thing about you patty farrell

Becky:You listen to me Greg heffley Im riunnging for student concilvicepresedent and im warning you,I foyu get in my way ill beat yoiu up jus like i did in kindergarten, and forth grade.

Rowley: Fourth gradse that one was ugly.

Greg:wHATS HER PROBLEM? wHAT DID I EVER DO TO HER?

Rowley: You called her fat AND UGLY

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Greg:Come on thta was pretty funny. She needs a sense of humor.And i need somthing to make me a class favorite.

Hely: What about class favorites?

Greg:Doont you ever say hi or hello before you start talking?

Haley:Hi

Rowley:Hello. Oh greg is only here because he really wants to be somthing...

Greg:Rowley!!I was just saying that i would really like to nail these people because its so obvioous that there only doing

these activities to get in the yearbook.

Haley: You know i like your point of view.You should sign up for the school paper. were the voice of the people,Wwell the people are mostly idiots so i guess technically speakingwere

the voice of the people maing fun of the people,

Greg:thanks but i cant be in the paper because im going to be in the paper a lot so that would be a conflict of interest.

Haley: Youre the people got it.

Greg:do you believe me now that girl is crazy town.

rowley:look they have wrestling!

Greg:thats it im gret at wrestling ive watched it for years i know

allt the moves

Page 35: Diary of a wimpy kid script

Flashack

Greg:tombstone piledriver. chair shot.vader bomb.

cut to gym

Greg:okay somthing is seriously worng here.

rowley: these dont look like wrestling costrumes to me.

coach:welcome to wrestling, you future olypians!so just to make sure we all get off on he right foot and nobody gets

seriously injured, were gonna teach you a few basic moves,remember this is about having fun and learning the

sport!ALL RIght itsa not a competiion because everyone here is already superstars to me.

greg raises hand

ya hefflly

what about pile drivers and vater bombs

coach:that is fake wrestling.This is real wrestling!lets go!!

if i have to wrestle benny wells hell kill me

coach:Lets omve comeon!

greggly vs. heffly

coach:alright lets see what you got

Greg:dont worry gregly ill go easy on you

Page 36: Diary of a wimpy kid script

freggly tackles greg

Greg:hEY i wasnt ready

coach:nobody's keeping score but that was a sweet takedown freggly!

shots of freggly fighting greg

coach all right fregly! outstanding. and lets hear it for our other winner

rowley stand up and cheers for greg

greg and rowley waling up hill

Gready?reg:

i cant lose to freggly again

if i get beat by the wierdest kid in school nobody's ever gonna let me sit at thier trable.

rowley:how are you gonna beat him?ts like he had super human stregth

Greg:im gonna gonna beat him. im gonna gain 10pounds this week so i can move up wieght classes and you and i can

wrestle each other.ready?

can i throw at yo now?

Greg:later youre better at riding and im a much better thrower

greg trows ball and he misse s and hits ceramic

Page 37: Diary of a wimpy kid script

dinner

mom:save some for everyone else greg.

Greg:i cant i need to bulk up

mom: why i trhin youtrre bdoy kool sbuetiful just the way it is.

rodrick: ah i h

eard e got his butt kicked at wrestling.Now whats wrong with you? why would you sign up for somthing you dont have to

do?

dad: you signed up for wrestling?

Greg:kinda

rodrick:you never sign up for anything at school you fly below the radar that way you nver raise anyones

expectations.dad:L thank you rodrick for those words of motovational

wisodm but perhaps a better way to look at it is that it is a chance to learn and excel at somthing.

rodrick: what could i learn at school that i cant teach myself?

dad:well i think think its great youre trying somthing new this is the first step to responsibility!I think you could be big and strong we could train get the right nutrition cardio.you

woul dbe in tip top shape and it would only take like 3

Page 38: Diary of a wimpy kid script

months

Greg:three months?

yeah

ill just stick to eating

well i dont know ere you put it heffley ,but you gained 10 pounds and moved up a classs

yes

rowley: i thought you ididnt gain any wiehg this wwekk

Greg:i used my moms ankle wieghts

alright heffley time to meet youre new opponent

becky is standiong in ready position

wat but his is boys wrestling

becky:ever hear of title nine?

her parents threatened to sue so you show her what its like to wrestle a real live boy!!

they wrestle

circling each other

haley: come on what are yo waiting for dont be such a woose heffley

shes a girl where do i grab her?haley tackles him.

Page 39: Diary of a wimpy kid script

stay down

haley: paty over here

haley takes picture

passing the bleachers.

well look who's in the paper.

rowley: greg your famous! right on the front page!

rowley's bedroom

and if i had pinned her, which i could have done easily,you know i would have gotten in trouble for hutrting a girl.

rowley; why does she even eant to wrestle?

who knows girls are very confusing like today for example i heard somone in the hallway say bryce anderson has a cute

butt

rowley: a butt cant br cute...its a butt

i know but thats' what theyre saying.i dont see why firls cant just talk like normal people

rowley: so how are you gonna become a class favorite now?

two wordsbest dressed

rowley: how are ytou gonna do that?

fashion is easy you wear a shirt and a tie and kids are impressed.Im telling you this is gonna wok.

Page 40: Diary of a wimpy kid script

grge walks down hallway in suit

ses rowley is wearing same thing ta da!

i tod you i was weARING THIS

I KNOW!I WANted to be matchers

Greg:you know maybe rodrick was right about rowley. maybe i do need a new best friend but i cant just ditch him i mean if any

body has a better idea i would like to hear it. Well seince i cant leave rowley and ditch him maybe i can fix him!because

thats the kind of firend i am

what are you doing?

making you clothes more middle school friendlylook at this tuss to babyish and...wird,to"why dont you just punch me

now", wat ar u a fir iexchange dstudent?, oh man this one we burn!!

that was a present from ym mom

well then youre momo is trying to get you killed.

outside

reday steady goorowley walks

non no no you look like one of the seven dwrfs.You only need one strap. One strap is cool

but theres two straps why do they make teo straps if you

Page 41: Diary of a wimpy kid script

only usew one?

because the people who make backpacks arent cool!if they werere cool theyd give it one strap like the cool one strap guys do.You know what has one strap?Machine guns.you

know what else electric guitarsyou knoiw wat else-ause i discoveed him.

rowley; purses

but joshie is cool

rowley joshie is not cool hes a lip synchining pop star whose fsans are eight years old girls

youre just jealous because i discovered him

who you gonna trust joshie or me?

joshie says respect your parents and follow your dreams

then joshie must get beatan up a lot.There bryce anderson just be cool.hey bryce

yeah hey beyce, cute butt

look rowley your killing me you know that. tonight's halloween our favorite nght of the year so promise me look

wont wear llook or say anything wierd.

halloeen

youre kidding me right

my mom wanted me to be visible at night

from space? so well hit a few houses onj  our way to the north siide

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why are we going all the away over there?

thats where all thew rich people live

they hand out 2 oro 3 pieces of big candy to each kid. not that candy corn crap im tlakiing full size milky ways and

nutterbutters and if the people get tired of answerinbg the door they just elave the bowl out.we can clean up

wow youre lucky my momo doesnt let me play with makeup anymore

chut up tool loded diaper got a big gig tonite.

hmm going to the north side huh? well that takes you right past the devil worshiper woods.

devil worshiper woodds?

tyou know the story right? well thre used to e this house right there where the woods are they had to tear it down

because what happened threre was so terrible.

what happened?

cant tell you  no one knows? but if i were you i would be be very careful ubeacuse until this day they come out on

halloween night and haunt the forset. and so..

dad: hey rodrick i need you to help me out like...are you wearing eyliner?(doorbell rings)susan!

mom: im on door duty

girl: thank you.

mom: frank can you go with them.dad: no icant cant im gonna gsaurd the house so if anyone

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trys to tp us then thell get drenched fromt the roof.

honey for godness sakes dont do that agin.

can we go now?

mom; yes go and be carful and no north side.

we peorise

the north side

we have got to stay in this nieghborhood for the rest of the night

rowley: that guy gave me 3 full size snickers!

greg: did i tell you or didi i tell you?

these people have money to burn!

car puls up

teen1; hey reflector dude nice costume!

rowley: thanks my mom made it for me

spray them with silly string

carter;l oh that was awesome

greg: i saw your plates wre calling the cops

car everses

oh boy

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run

hey there running throuhg the yard

go,go,go,go,gfo

where are we going?

weer totally exposed

my gradma's house hurry

they bang on door

hello?!

thats not helping! shes not answering!

oh  no bingo night

get the key olopen the door hurry

carter: you guys are dead!

the boys run in and the door slams behins them they lock the door

wre gonna kick youre butts

greg: ya you and what army?

carter: whatever

boys babble

ou boys are so lucky you can hide behind your mommy

Page 45: Diary of a wimpy kid script

rowley: no were not this is myu grandam's house and she's not even home!

greg; what why would would you tell them that?! now there never gonna leave. you need to call youre mom to come and

get us mine will kill us if she knows we are here

mine will to she thinks your a bad influence

shes right.then wre gonna have to bust out of here

outside

got any threes?

go fish

creaking

hey whats that?

they come at the teens with weed wckers and leaf blowers

just back off i dont want to hurt anyone we jyust want to walk away and forget this ever happened.

are you kidding me?!im gonna rip offf your arms and punch you int he face with

your own fists

the boys run

they run tworads the devil worshiper woods

rowley: the devil worshiper woods no way

hey stay riht there were gonna egt you! rowlry runs in

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there gonna into the woods well wre not

this isnt over

rowley: imrally scared

just keep running did you hear that? its them

they see shadow on rock and run screamingfreggly opos out

fregky:guys?

they run at gregs hiouserowley: are we safe?

greg: yeah and we still hav a ton of candy.

dad throws water n them.

dad: sorry i thought you were teenagers.

school

kid: i think shelly is ooking hot today

greg: are they taling bou tme?

teacher: alriht class just to let you know some positions have opened for saftey potrol.

greg: now thats what im talking about. the cops of middle school. you boss people around report the jerks and miss

calss three times a week