Destructive and Constructive Destructive and Constructive CommunicationCommunication

The art of conversation consists as much of listening politely as in talking agreeably.”

How do you rate your listening and talking skills? What do you need to improve?

“I know you believe you understand what you think you heard, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Standards and ObjectivesStandards and Objectives ARR 2.0 - ARFL 4.00 Students will identify ARR 2.0 - ARFL 4.00 Students will identify

effective communication in interpersonal effective communication in interpersonal relationships.relationships.

Identify various types of communication stylesIdentify various types of communication styles Identify types of destructive communication Identify types of destructive communication

(blaming, interrupting, endless fighting, (blaming, interrupting, endless fighting, character assassination, character assassination,

calling in reinforcements, and withdrawal)calling in reinforcements, and withdrawal) Identify types of constructive communication (I-Identify types of constructive communication (I-

messages, clarifying, timing, asking messages, clarifying, timing, asking questions, reflective listening, questions, reflective listening,

respect, consideration, avoid anger)respect, consideration, avoid anger) Practice using I-messagesPractice using I-messages

““Sticks and stones will Sticks and stones will break my bones, but break my bones, but words will never hurt words will never hurt

me.”me.”

Words, tone of voice Words, tone of voice and body language.and body language.

MotivatorMotivator

Hammer CommunicationHammer Communicationoror Calvin and HobbesCalvin and Hobbesoror Often we really communicate destructively Often we really communicate destructively

and constructively with people we are and constructively with people we are surrounded with. Whole days can be ruined surrounded with. Whole days can be ruined because of destructive communication. Put – because of destructive communication. Put – down take 14 positive remarks to erase.down take 14 positive remarks to erase.

Hammer of CommunicationHammer of Communication

THE HEAD IS LIKE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION.

It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put things together.

THE CLAW IS LIKE DESTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION.

It is sharp and dangerous and is used to destroy and tear down relationships.

THE SHANK IS LIKE NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION:

It is strong and can be used to support construction or destruction.

THE HANDLE OF THE HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT IS THE DRIVING FORCE.

We are in control of our communication and choose to use it in a constructive or destructive manner.

Destructive CommunicationDestructive Communication

BlamingBlaming InterruptingInterrupting

Endless FightingEndless Fighting Character AssassinationCharacter Assassination Calling in ReinforcementsCalling in Reinforcements

WithdrawalWithdrawal Need to be RightNeed to be Right

BlamingBlaming – Frequently blame each other – Frequently blame each other while trying to find out who is at “fault”, while trying to find out who is at “fault”, who started the fight, etc.”who started the fight, etc.”

Examples – You are the one that’s not Examples – You are the one that’s not listening. You did this…. You should of listening. You did this…. You should of ……

Interrupting Interrupting – Interrupts another person, – Interrupts another person, it is a sign that one idea is more it is a sign that one idea is more important than another.important than another.

Stop communication, Shows disregard Stop communication, Shows disregard for other person’s ideas.for other person’s ideas.

Endless FightingEndless Fighting – Arguments that never – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening nothing to do with what’s happening now.now.

Examples: Just like when you…Examples: Just like when you…

Character AssassinationCharacter Assassination – Name calling, – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm)(Sarcasm)

Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, and communication.and communication.

Calling In ReinforcementsCalling In Reinforcements – Involves – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels. and quarrels.

Example: to save faceExample: to save face

WithdrawalWithdrawal – Withdrawing from – Withdrawing from communication avoiding conversation in communication avoiding conversation in families communicates hurt, rejection, families communicates hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, &/or anger.neglect, indifference, &/or anger.

Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”

Need to be rightNeed to be right – Some people refuse – Some people refuse to admit any need to always be right.to admit any need to always be right.

Compromise is a win-win situation.Compromise is a win-win situation.

Let’s CommunicateLet’s Communicate

Mark each communication technique as Mark each communication technique as constructive or destructive.constructive or destructive.

Write examples of negative techniques.Write examples of negative techniques.

Constructive CommunicationConstructive Communication

““I” MessagesI” Messages ClarityClarity TimingTiming

Asking QuestionsAsking Questions Reflective ListeningReflective Listening

Respect and ConsiderationRespect and Consideration Avoiding Intense AngerAvoiding Intense Anger

““I” MessagesI” Messages – State the feelings and – State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of thoughts you are having at the time of communication. Lets others know how communication. Lets others know how you feel without making people you feel without making people defensive.defensive.

Examples “I feel frustrated when…Examples “I feel frustrated when…

I am angry because you forgot…I am angry because you forgot…

ClarityClarity – Meaning what you say and then – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. Problem is saying what you mean. Problem is interpretation. (Sarcasm) interpretation. (Sarcasm)

Example: I hope you had a great time at Example: I hope you had a great time at the movie last night with all your other the movie last night with all your other friends!friends!

TimingTiming – Select a good time to do your – Select a good time to do your important communicating. important communicating.

Examples: Asking for something when Examples: Asking for something when parents walk in from work.parents walk in from work.

Asking QuestionsAsking Questions – People seldom say – People seldom say what they really mean the first time.what they really mean the first time.

Example: Why, What, Where, When, Example: Why, What, Where, When,

Do you mean….Do you mean….

Reflective ListeningReflective Listening – listener mirrors back – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.

Example: Are you saying? You seem to be Example: Are you saying? You seem to be saying?saying?

Respect and Consideration – One sure Respect and Consideration – One sure way of ending good communication is way of ending good communication is by being critical or judgmental. Respect by being critical or judgmental. Respect the other person’s point of view.the other person’s point of view.

Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes we become to emotional to we become to emotional to communicate effectively. communicate effectively.

““I” MessagesI” Messages State the feelings and thoughts State the feelings and thoughts

you are having at the time of you are having at the time of communication. communication.

- ““I feel … when … because …”I feel … when … because …”

- ““I would like …”I would like …” Don’t blame the other person.Don’t blame the other person.

ShoutingShouting Name CallingName Calling Physical expressionPhysical expression

RoadblocksRoadblocks

Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.

State #6:State #6:Sending “I” Sending “I” MessagesMessages

1.1.Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.

““You” message:You” message: “You shouldn’t ever “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.”interrupt someone when he is reading.”

““I” message:I” message: ______________________ ______________________

2.2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry.hurry.

““You” message:You” message: “You’re being naughty.” “You’re being naughty.”

““I” message:______________________I” message:______________________

3.3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face.Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face.

““You” message:You” message: “You’re not being a responsible “You’re not being a responsible big boy. That’s what a little baby might do.big boy. That’s what a little baby might do.

““I” message:I” message: ___________________________ ___________________________

4.4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing them from talking.them from talking.

““You” message:You” message: “You know it’s past your bedtime. “You know it’s past your bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need your You are just trying to annoy us. You need your sleep.”sleep.”

““I” message:__________________________I” message:__________________________

5.5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do.agreed to do.““You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a movie when you have been so inconsiderate and movie when you have been so inconsiderate and selfish.”selfish.”““I” message: ___________________________I” message: ___________________________

6.6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Mother doesn’t know the reason.Mother doesn’t know the reason.““You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and sulk. You’re taking something too serious.”sulk. You’re taking something too serious.”““I’ message: ___________________________ I’ message: ___________________________

7.7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with the parent’s conversation in the next room.with the parent’s conversation in the next room.

““You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?” others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?”

““I” message:___________________________I” message:___________________________

8.8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour before the guests arrive and she has not one hour before the guests arrive and she has not started the job.started the job.

““You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?” How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?”

““I” message: _____________________________I” message: _____________________________

Summary:Summary:

If you create an environment where negativity is not If you create an environment where negativity is not tolerated, where meetings and conversations take tolerated, where meetings and conversations take place with purpose and meaning, and where people place with purpose and meaning, and where people praise and appreciate each other…. You also start to praise and appreciate each other…. You also start to create fertile ground for trust to develop. People don’t create fertile ground for trust to develop. People don’t always know how to be great, but they want to be! always know how to be great, but they want to be! Start by being great yourself and learn to be more Start by being great yourself and learn to be more masterful in your communication. masterful in your communication.

Take care in what you feed your mind. You’ll feel Take care in what you feed your mind. You’ll feel better and the people around you will be grateful better and the people around you will be grateful for your lead.(1)for your lead.(1)