deadpool.2016.hdrip.korsub.x264 stuttershit.srt

8/18/2019 Deadpool.2016.Hdrip.korsub.x264 Stuttershit.srt

1/87

100:00:01,860 --> 00:00:11,860Fixed & Synced by bozxphd.Enjoy The Flick

200:00:12,860 --> 00:00:17,160♪ There'll be no stringsto bind your hands ♪

300:00:17,190 --> 00:00:22,090♪ Not if my love can't bind your heart ♪

400:00:26,820 --> 00:00:30,320♪ There's no need to take a stand ♪

500:00:30,850 --> 00:00:35,450♪ For it was I who chose to start ♪

600:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,880♪ If morning's echoes say we've sinned ♪

700:00:43,810 --> 00:00:47,810♪ Well, it was what I wanted now ♪

800:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,840♪ And if we're victims of the night ♪

900:00:58,870 --> 00:01:03,880♪ I won't be blinded by the light ♪

1000:01:04,900 --> 00:01:09,910♪ Just call me angel of the morning angel ♪

1100:01:10,830 --> 00:01:16,840♪ Just touch my cheek ♪♪ before you leave me, baby ♪


1300:01:22,890 --> 00:01:28,900♪ Just touch my cheek ♪♪ before you leave me, baby ♪


15


2/87

00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:40,860♪ Just touch my cheek before ♪♪ you leave me, darling ♪


1700:01:47,910 --> 00:01:55,920♪ Just touch my cheek before ♪♪ you leave me, darling ♪

1800:01:59,950 --> 00:02:03,950♪ Mera joota hai japani ♪♪ yeh patloon englishtani ♪

1900:02:03,980 --> 00:02:07,880♪ Sar pe laal topi roosi phir ♪♪ bhi dil hai hindustani ♪

20

00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:16,940♪ Sar pe laal topi roosi phir ♪♪ bhi dil hai hindustani ♪

2100:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960♪ Mera joota hai japani... ♪

2200:02:34,290 --> 00:02:36,800♪ I'm kinda lonesome back here. ♪

23

00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:39,630Little help...

2400:02:40,440 --> 00:02:44,810Just... I have to keepmy hands on the wheel.

2500:02:45,670 --> 00:02:46,680Excuse me!

26

00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,800- Dopinder.- Pool. Dead.

2700:02:54,310 --> 00:02:57,190- Nice!- Smells good, no?

28


3/87

00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,060Not the daffodildaydream. The girl.

2900:02:59,270 --> 00:03:02,770Yes. Gita.She is quite lovely.

3000:03:02,870 --> 00:03:05,610She would have made mea very agreeable wife.

3100:03:05,720 --> 00:03:06,680But...

3200:03:06,770 --> 00:03:10,580Gita's heart has beenstolen by my cousin, Bandu.

33

00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:15,180He is as dishonorableas he is attractive.

3400:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,060Dopinder,

3500:03:17,070 --> 00:03:20,090I'm starting to think there's areason I'm in this cab today.

3600:03:20,180 --> 00:03:22,070Yes, sir, you calledfor it, remember?

3700:03:22,070 --> 00:03:24,100No, my slender, brown friend.Love...

3800:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,120is a beautiful thing.

3900:03:26,130 --> 00:03:30,300When you find it, the whole worldtastes like daffodil daydream.

4000:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,100So you gotta holdon to love. Tight!


4/87

4100:03:34,300 --> 00:03:38,300And never let go. Don't make thesame mistakes I did, got it?

4200:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,410Or else the whole world tasteslike Mama June after hot yoga.

4300:03:42,810 --> 00:03:45,210Sir, what does MissMama June taste like?

4400:03:45,410 --> 00:03:48,360Like two hobos fucking ina shoe filled with piss.

4500:03:48,370 --> 00:03:51,320I can go all day, Dopinder.

The point is it's bad.

4600:03:52,820 --> 00:03:55,620Why the fancyred suit, Mr. Pool?

4700:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,190Oh, that's because it'sChristmas day, Dopinder,

48

00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,230and I'm after someoneon my naughty list.

4900:04:00,330 --> 00:04:03,980I've been waiting, 1 year,3 weeks, 6 days and...

5000:04:03,980 --> 00:04:07,34014 minutes to make himfix what he did to me.

5100:04:07,410 --> 00:04:10,200And what did he doto you, Mr. Pool?

5200:04:10,210 --> 00:04:11,420This shit.


5/87

5300:04:13,410 --> 00:04:14,410Boo!

5400:04:34,430 --> 00:04:38,440- They won't disappoint.- They'd better not!

5500:04:38,540 --> 00:04:41,840- What about next month's shipment?- There won't be one.

5600:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,910You're not the onlyone with a war to win.

5700:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,650That won't do.

58

00:04:49,450 --> 00:04:54,150See, we've had this smalldisruption to our supply trade.

5900:04:57,510 --> 00:05:01,510We'd appreciate your patience.

6000:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,120Okay...

61

00:05:04,140 --> 00:05:06,050We'll deliver in fullthe following month.

6200:05:09,950 --> 00:05:11,950Pleasure doingbusiness with you.

6300:05:14,950 --> 00:05:16,960Fucking mutant!

6400:05:26,970 --> 00:05:29,970Shit! I forgot my ammo bag!

6500:05:30,070 --> 00:05:34,470- Shall we turn back?- No time. Fuck it. I got this.

66


6/87

00:05:34,670 --> 00:05:38,9809, 10, 11, 12 bullets.Or bust. Right here!

6700:05:40,980 --> 00:05:43,380That's $27.50.

6800:05:43,580 --> 00:05:47,490I never carry a wallet while I'mworking. Ruins the lines of my suit.

6900:05:47,990 --> 00:05:50,660- But how 'bout a crisp high-five?- Okay.

7000:05:50,660 --> 00:05:52,080Merry Christmas!

7100:05:52,620 --> 00:05:55,720

And a convivial Tuesdayand April to you too, Pool!

7200:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,830- ♪ Hey, yeah.- I wanna shoop, baby ♪

7300:05:59,850 --> 00:06:04,860♪ Shoop shoop ba-doop ♪

74

00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,880♪ Ummm, you're packed and you'restacked 'specially in the back ♪

7500:06:06,910 --> 00:06:09,910♪ Brother, wanna thank yourmother for a butt like that ♪

7600:06:09,940 --> 00:06:11,940♪ Can I get some fries with ♪♪ that shake-shake boobie? ♪

7700:06:13,870 --> 00:06:16,570♪ You're a shotgun - bang! ♪♪ What's up with that thang? ♪

7800:06:16,650 --> 00:06:18,950Oh! Oh, hello!


7/87

7900:06:18,950 --> 00:06:20,550I know, right?

8000:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,760Whose balls did I have to fondleto get my very own movie?

8100:06:24,860 --> 00:06:25,930I can't tell you,

8200:06:25,940 --> 00:06:29,670but it does rhyme with "Pulverine".And lemme tell you...

8300:06:30,060 --> 00:06:33,970He's got a nice pair ofsmooth criminals down under!

84

00:06:34,270 --> 00:06:38,020Anyway. I got places to be.A face to fix. And, oh!

8500:06:38,070 --> 00:06:40,270Bad guys to kill.

8600:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,980Maximum effort.

87

00:06:56,990 --> 00:06:58,590Cock shot!

8800:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,000Rich, Corinthian leather!

8900:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,600I'm looking for Francis!

9000:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,710

Have you seen this man?

9100:07:24,020 --> 00:07:26,520Yanking, yanking!

9200:07:58,050 --> 00:08:00,750I've never said this,but don't swallow.


8/87

9300:08:22,070 --> 00:08:25,680Shit. Did I leave the stove on?

9400:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,900Now, breaking news.

9500:08:45,100 --> 00:08:49,100A multi-car collision turned shots firedon the crosstown expressway this morning.

9600:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,320Gridlock has keptpolice from the scene.

9700:08:51,330 --> 00:08:53,810Residents are advised toremain in their homes.

9800:08:54,110 --> 00:08:57,110The assailant appears to bearmed, dangerous, and wearing a...

9900:08:57,210 --> 00:09:00,110Red suit. Deadpool.

10000:09:00,210 --> 00:09:03,320Negasonic! Come.We have mission.

10100:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,020Colossus, wait up.

10200:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,620I've given Deadpoolevery chance to join us.

10300:09:09,820 --> 00:09:14,630But he'd rather act like

a child. A heavily armed child.

10400:09:14,830 --> 00:09:18,530When will he grow up and seebenefits of becoming X-Man?

10500:09:18,730 --> 00:09:20,730Which benefits,


9/87

the matching unitards?

10600:09:20,740 --> 00:09:22,840The house that blowsup every few years?

10700:09:23,130 --> 00:09:26,140Please. House blowingup builds character.

10800:09:26,240 --> 00:09:31,540You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfastis most important meal of day.

10900:09:31,740 --> 00:09:35,850Here. Protein bar.Good for bones.

11000:09:36,050 --> 00:09:38,650

Deadpool may tryto break yours.

11100:10:06,180 --> 00:10:07,780Hey!

11200:10:18,390 --> 00:10:22,290Wait! You may be wonderingwhy the red suit.

113

00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,100Well that's so bad guyscan't see me bleed.

11400:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,100This guy's got the right idea.He wore the brown pants.

11500:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,910Fine! I only have 12 bullets, soyou're gonna have to share!

11600:10:34,110 --> 00:10:35,710Let's count 'em down!

11700:10:55,830 --> 00:11:01,130Shit, motherfucker!

118


10/87

00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:03,040Ten! Shit.

11900:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,840Nine! Fuck.Eight. Shit-fuck!

12000:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,840Bad Deadpool.

12100:11:13,650 --> 00:11:16,250Seven. Good Deadpool!

12200:11:38,070 --> 00:11:40,070Someone's not counting.

12300:11:40,170 --> 00:11:41,270Six!

12400:12:07,300 --> 00:12:09,300Four...

12500:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,300Gotcha!

12600:12:13,310 --> 00:12:15,810Right up main street!

127

00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:23,020Three, two! Stupid!Worth it.

12800:12:48,340 --> 00:12:51,340I'm touching myself tonight.

12900:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,350Francis! Francis!

130

00:12:56,350 --> 00:13:00,950What the shitbiscuit!Where you at, Francis?

13100:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,360You're not Francis!

13200:13:18,370 --> 00:13:21,370


11/87

Really? Rolling up the sleeves?

13300:13:30,380 --> 00:13:34,370You're probably thinking, "my boyfriendsaid this was a superhero movie"

13400:13:34,380 --> 00:13:38,390but that guy in the red suit just turnedthat other guy into a fucking kebab.

13500:13:38,390 --> 00:13:42,600Well, I may be super.But I'm no hero.

13600:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,310Anyhow, technically,this is a murder.

13700:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,010

But some of the best lovestories start with a murder.

13800:13:48,200 --> 00:13:52,250And that's exactly what this is:a love story. And to tell it right,

13900:13:52,360 --> 00:13:57,210I gotta take you back to long beforeI squeeze this ass into red spandex.

14000:13:57,410 --> 00:14:03,010Look, would it help if I slow it downfor you? I didn't order the pizza.

14100:14:03,220 --> 00:14:06,320Is this 7348 Redledge Drive?

14200:14:06,420 --> 00:14:07,510Are you Mr. Merchant?

14300:14:07,520 --> 00:14:11,030The Mr. Merchant who didn'torder the fucking pie!

14400:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,030- Who placed the call?- I did!


12/87

14500:14:15,430 --> 00:14:21,030Pineapple and olive?Sweet and salty!

14600:14:21,130 --> 00:14:24,040The fuck are you? The fuckare you doing in my crib?

14700:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,640- Is that bread crust? Don't move!- God, I hope not.

14800:14:27,740 --> 00:14:31,440Look, is this about thatpoker game? I told Howie...

14900:14:33,450 --> 00:14:36,450- Just take whatever you want.- Thanks!

15000:14:36,850 --> 00:14:40,650Sir, before you do anything to him,do you mind if I get a big tip?

15100:14:42,450 --> 00:14:45,460- Jeremy, is it? Wade Wilson.- Yeah.

15200:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,160

That is a no go onthe tip-aroo, Jer.

15300:14:49,260 --> 00:14:52,460I'm not here for him.I'm here for you.

15400:14:53,470 --> 00:14:56,170I dodged a big-timebullet on that one!

15500:14:56,180 --> 00:14:58,280Not, out of the woods yet.

15600:14:58,470 --> 00:15:01,340You need to seriously easeup on the bedazzling.

157


13/87

00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,280They're jeans, not a chandelier.

15800:15:03,380 --> 00:15:05,780Yes I'm keeping your wallet.You did kind of give it to me.

15900:15:05,780 --> 00:15:10,280- Just look, man, can I have my...- I will shoot your fucking cat.

16000:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,690I don't really know what thatmeans, I don't have a cat.

16100:15:12,790 --> 00:15:15,490Then whose kitty litterdid I just shit in?

162

00:15:18,490 --> 00:15:19,790Anywho...

16300:15:20,090 --> 00:15:24,500Tell me something. What situationisn't improved by pizza?

16400:15:24,800 --> 00:15:29,100Do you happen to know a MeganOrflosky? Get that right? Orflovsky?

16500:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,210'Cause she knows you. Jeremy...

16600:15:34,510 --> 00:15:37,910I belong to a group of guys whotake a dime to beat a fella down.

16700:15:38,110 --> 00:15:42,720And little Megan, she's not made of money,but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.

16800:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,520- I'm.....- A stalker.

16900:15:45,620 --> 00:15:50,520Threats hurt, Jer. Though notnearly as badly as serrated steel.


14/87

17000:15:50,620 --> 00:15:56,530- So keep away from Megan. Cool?- Yes, sir.

17100:15:56,630 --> 00:15:59,530- And we're done.- Wait, we are?

17200:15:59,630 --> 00:16:03,340Totally done. Youshould've seen your face!

17300:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,470I didn't know what todo, I was so scared...

17400:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,550Soft spot, remember?

17500:16:07,540 --> 00:16:11,770Even look in her general direction againand you will learn in the worst of ways

17600:16:11,780 --> 00:16:13,550that I have somehard spots, too.

17700:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,550

That came out wrong.

17800:16:17,550 --> 00:16:19,550Or did it?

17900:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,570Megan.

18000:16:35,570 --> 00:16:38,770You've heard the last

of Jeremy. He's sorry.

18100:16:39,070 --> 00:16:41,570No friggin' way.

18200:16:45,580 --> 00:16:48,580Should've brought my roller blades.Show these kids how it's done.


15/87

18300:16:48,780 --> 00:16:51,580And that's why we do it.But mostly the money.

18400:16:51,780 --> 00:16:53,590Hey. Think you canfuck up my step dad?

18500:16:53,790 --> 00:16:56,590If I can give the guy a pavementfacial, it's 'cause he's earned it.

18600:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,590Hey, wait.

18700:16:59,590 --> 00:17:03,600- You're my hero.- No, no, no, no, no. That, I ain't.

18800:17:05,600 --> 00:17:10,400- Nope. Never will be.- Fuck you, Wade.

18900:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,610I'm just a bad guy who getspaid to fuck up worse guys.

19000:17:14,610 --> 00:17:19,610

Welcome to Sister Margaret's.It's like a job fair for mercenaries.

19100:17:19,710 --> 00:17:21,940Think of us as reallyfucked up tooth fairies

19200:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,320except we knock out theteeth and take the cash.

19300:17:24,620 --> 00:17:28,390You'd best hope we never seeyour name on a gold card.

19400:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,630(Buck! Liefeld.)

195


16/87

00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:32,630- Hey, Wade!- Wade Wilson. Patron Saint of the Pitiful.

19600:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,630- What can I do for you?- I'd love a blowjob.

19700:17:35,730 --> 00:17:39,930- Oh, God, me too.- The drink. With snuggle. But first...

19800:17:40,630 --> 00:17:43,050- Hey, I ain't takingany babysitting money,

19900:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,650- make sure that gets back to Miss...- Orlovsky?

20000:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,140- You sure?- Hmm.

20100:17:48,140 --> 00:17:50,120For a merc, you'repretty warm-blooded.

20200:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,150Bet you let the kid

off easy, too.

20300:17:52,650 --> 00:17:54,050He's not a bad kid.

20400:17:54,050 --> 00:17:55,730Just a little light stalking.

20500:17:55,740 --> 00:17:59,670I was way worse when I was his age,

travelling to exotic places...

20600:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,450Baghdad, Mogadishu,Jacksonville,

20700:18:01,460 --> 00:18:03,860meeting new and exciting people.


17/87

And then..

20800:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,220Killing them. Yeah, I'veseen your instagram.

20900:18:06,230 --> 00:18:08,970So what were special forcesdoing in Jacksonville?

21000:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,670That's classified. Theyhave wonderful TGIFridays!

21100:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,670Alright, kahlua, baileysand whipped cream.

21200:18:16,770 --> 00:18:18,670

I give you, a blowjob. I'm...

21300:18:18,770 --> 00:18:21,670- Why do you make me make that?- Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

21400:18:21,770 --> 00:18:25,980Take that over there to Buck, please andtell him it's from Booth. Little foreplay.

215

00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:28,180Remind me what goodwill come of this?

21600:18:28,180 --> 00:18:30,690I don't take the shits,I just disturb them.

21700:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,690What you want?

21800:18:35,690 --> 00:18:39,690- Cheers. To your health.- Fuck you.

21900:18:40,690 --> 00:18:42,700That's a new stool.

220


18/87

00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,700Stay the fuck down.

22100:18:53,710 --> 00:18:55,810Alright, move, move, move, move.

22200:18:55,910 --> 00:18:56,910Buck, go rest.

22300:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,720He's still breathing.

22400:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,720Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.

22500:19:11,820 --> 00:19:14,730You got me. I picked Booth inthe dead pool. Who did you pick?

22600:19:15,730 --> 00:19:20,730- You know, Wade, about that....- No. You did not bet on me to die.

22700:19:22,740 --> 00:19:24,100You bet on me to die.

22800:19:24,110 --> 00:19:27,550Wow. Motherfucker, you'rethe world's worst friend.

22900:19:27,740 --> 00:19:30,010Well, joke's on you.I'm living to 102.

23000:19:30,020 --> 00:19:32,250And then die. At thecity of Detroit.

23100:19:32,340 --> 00:19:34,590

I'm sorry. I wantedto win money.

23200:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,660I never win anything.

23300:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,950Whatever. Soldiers of


19/87

fortune, drink's on me!

23400:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,060Yeah!

23500:19:41,750 --> 00:19:43,760Domestic! Nothing imported.

23600:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,160Woah, woah, woah. Baby...

23700:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,760Are you sure you wannashoot your whole wad?

23800:19:53,770 --> 00:19:55,770Tight.

239

00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:58,270- Vanessa.- Wade.

24000:19:58,770 --> 00:20:01,770What's a nice place likeyou doing in a girl like this?

24100:20:01,870 --> 00:20:03,780I'd hit that.

24200:20:04,780 --> 00:20:08,780Buck, you'd best apologizebefore... yeah. That.

24300:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,780- Say the magic words, fat Gandalf.- I'm sorry.

24400:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,100Breathe through the nose.

24500:20:13,110 --> 00:20:15,800I don't have a filterbetween my brain and my...

24600:20:15,890 --> 00:20:19,790Okay, hey. Hakunahis tatas, he's sorry!


20/87

24700:20:19,890 --> 00:20:22,170Get outta here. Go cast a spell.

24800:20:22,180 --> 00:20:24,800Hey, hands off the merchandise.

24900:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,800Merchandise, huh. So you...

25000:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,810- Fun fuzzies for money?- Yup.

25100:20:32,900 --> 00:20:33,930Rough childhood?

25200:20:33,940 --> 00:20:36,720

Rougher than yours.Daddy left before I was born.

25300:20:36,810 --> 00:20:39,810Daddy left before I was conceived.

25400:20:39,910 --> 00:20:41,610Ever had a cigaretteput out on your skin?

255

00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:42,820Where else do you put one out?

25600:20:42,910 --> 00:20:45,620- I was molested.- Me, too. Uncle.

25700:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,820Uncles. They took turns.

258

00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,870I watched my own birthdayparty through the keyhole

25900:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,840of a locked closet whichalso happens to be my...

260


21/87

00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:55,830Your bedroom. Lucky. Islept in a dishwasher box.

26100:20:55,930 --> 00:20:57,370You had a dishwasher.

26200:20:57,380 --> 00:20:59,000I didn't even know sleep.

26300:20:59,010 --> 00:21:03,150It was pretty much 24/7 ball kegs,brownie mix and clown porn.

26400:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,840Who would do such a thing?

26500:21:08,840 --> 00:21:12,850Hopefully, you.

Later tonight?

26600:21:15,850 --> 00:21:22,860What can I get for 275 dollarsand a yogurt rewards card?

26700:21:22,950 --> 00:21:25,860Baby, about 48 minutes ofwhatever the fuck you want.

268

00:21:26,860 --> 00:21:29,860And a low-fat dessert.

26900:21:35,870 --> 00:21:38,870Did she just put a giftcard in your mouth?

27000:21:39,870 --> 00:21:42,880It's time to putballs in holes.

27100:21:42,970 --> 00:21:45,880- You said whatever I want.- I get it.

27200:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,320You love ski ball. Apparentlymore than you love vagina.


22/87

27300:21:50,330 --> 00:21:51,890That's a tough call.

27400:21:52,190 --> 00:21:55,290I just wanna get toknow the real you.

27500:21:55,290 --> 00:21:56,350Not the short-

27600:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,810shorted 2-dimensional sexobject peddled by Hollywood.

27700:21:59,890 --> 00:22:01,890Balls in holes.

27800:22:02,900 --> 00:22:05,900

- Prepare to lose tragically.- Bring it, big man.

27900:22:12,910 --> 00:22:17,910A limited edition Voltron: Defenderof the Universe ring, por favor.

28000:22:17,910 --> 00:22:19,910Okay. Here you go.

281

00:22:20,910 --> 00:22:22,920I had this sucker for a while.

28200:22:23,010 --> 00:22:25,420- And I will take the pencil eraser.- Okay.

28300:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,680You are now the proudprotector of the planet Arus.

28400:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,930And you, can erase stuff.Written in pencil.

28500:22:33,020 --> 00:22:34,110Milady.

286


23/87

00:22:34,110 --> 00:22:38,040I hate to break it to you,but your 48 minutes are up.

28700:22:38,430 --> 00:22:40,930How many more minutescould I get for this?

28800:22:41,030 --> 00:22:45,940FYI, 5 mini lion bots cometogether to form 1 superbot.

28900:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,5905 mini lion bots? 3 minutes.

29000:22:48,600 --> 00:22:53,250Deal. What do we do withthe remaining 2:37?

291

00:22:53,450 --> 00:22:54,450Cuddle?

29200:22:58,950 --> 00:23:02,960- How long can we keep this up?- All year?

29300:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,970Happy Valentines' Day.

294

00:23:20,970 --> 00:23:24,980- Happy Chinese New Year.- Year of the Dog.

29500:23:29,980 --> 00:23:34,990Relax... and happyInternational Women's Day.

29600:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,000Happy Lenten.

29700:23:50,000 --> 00:23:55,010- Wade!- Sorry. Happy Halloween!

29800:24:03,020 --> 00:24:06,020Happy Thanksgiving.

299


24/87

00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:09,020I love you.

30000:24:12,020 --> 00:24:16,030If your left leg is Thanksgiving,and your right leg is Christmas...

30100:24:16,630 --> 00:24:20,030Can I visit youbetween the holidays?

30200:24:20,130 --> 00:24:23,040That sweater is terrible!

30300:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,040But red looks good on you.

30400:24:26,140 --> 00:24:29,040Red's your color. Mine's like

the bloodshot in your eyes.

30500:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,340- Listen. I've been thinking.- Really?

30600:24:33,050 --> 00:24:36,050- 'Bout why we're so good together.- Why is that?

307

00:24:37,050 --> 00:24:41,050Your crazy matchesmy crazy. Bigtime.

30800:24:42,050 --> 00:24:46,060And we're like 2 jigsawpieces. Weird curvy edges?

30900:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,280You put them together and youcan see the picture on top.

31000:24:49,290 --> 00:24:50,370Right.

31100:24:51,060 --> 00:24:55,070Wade... There's something I'vebeen meaning to ask you.


25/87

31200:24:55,170 --> 00:24:58,070But only because you haven'tgotten around to asking me.

31300:24:59,070 --> 00:25:01,070Will you...

31400:25:02,070 --> 00:25:05,080- Stick it up my...- Marry me?

31500:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,080Uh... Jinx?

31600:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,080- Where were you hiding that?- Nowhere.

317

00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:15,490- They said 1-month salary, so...- You mean...

31800:25:15,690 --> 00:25:18,090- I do.- That's my line.

31900:25:21,090 --> 00:25:24,800- I love you, Wade Wilson.- You're supposed to... So that's a...

32000:25:25,100 --> 00:25:27,100- Yes!- Woo! Yes!

32100:25:30,100 --> 00:25:32,100I feel just like a little girl!

32200:25:37,110 --> 00:25:39,820What if I just held

on and never let go?

32300:25:39,820 --> 00:25:43,120Just ride the bitch'sback like Yoda on Luke.

32400:25:43,220 --> 00:25:47,120- Star Wars jokes!


26/87

- Empire!

32500:25:48,120 --> 00:25:51,120Jesus Christ, it's like Imade you in a computer!

32600:25:57,130 --> 00:25:59,130Perfect.

32700:26:03,140 --> 00:26:06,140Pee break. Shake it, yeah.

32800:26:11,140 --> 00:26:13,150Here's the thing:

32900:26:13,250 --> 00:26:15,410Life is an endlessseries of train wrecks

33000:26:15,420 --> 00:26:18,160with only brief commercial-likebreaks of happiness.

33100:26:19,150 --> 00:26:23,160This had been theultimate commercial break.

33200:26:24,160 --> 00:26:28,160Which meant it was time to return,

to our regularly scheduled programme.

33300:26:28,460 --> 00:26:31,160- What the fu.....- Oh my God, Wade!

33400:26:37,170 --> 00:26:42,180You're clowning. You'renot clowning. I sense clowns.

335

00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,180People react to news of late-stage cancer differently.

33600:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,870There are certainlyoptions we can look into.

337


27/87

00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,190New drugs are beingdeveloped every day.

33800:26:54,190 --> 00:26:59,190So what do we do? Surely,there is something we can do.

33900:26:59,290 --> 00:27:02,050My Uncle Ivan was diagnosedwith Thyroid cancer

34000:27:02,060 --> 00:27:05,510and there were all theseexperimental drugs from Germany...

34100:27:05,700 --> 00:27:09,200Vanessa's already working on planA, B, all the way through Z.

34200:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,450Me? I'm memorizing thedetails of her face.

34300:27:13,460 --> 00:27:16,420Like it's the firsttime I'm seeing it.

34400:27:16,810 --> 00:27:19,210- Or the last...

- Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson?

34500:27:21,210 --> 00:27:23,800Take your time to process this.

34600:27:23,810 --> 00:27:27,230It's important notto do anything rash.

34700:27:38,230 --> 00:27:43,240

Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholesnamed Francis, where would I hide?

34800:28:09,260 --> 00:28:13,300"A hush falls over the crowdas rookie sensation Wade W.

34900:28:13,310 --> 00:28:17,280


28/87

Wilson out of Regina,Saskatchewan, lines up the shot."

35000:28:18,270 --> 00:28:20,270"His form looks good."

35100:28:22,280 --> 00:28:26,780"And that's why Reginarhymes with fun."

35200:28:26,980 --> 00:28:31,580"Ladies and gentlemen, what you'rewitnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge!"

35300:28:32,290 --> 00:28:36,290"Giving him the business! Incoming!"

35400:28:36,390 --> 00:28:40,290"This is taking unsportsman-like

conduct to a whole new level!"

35500:28:45,300 --> 00:28:49,100Looking good, Francis. Well-rested.Like you've been pitching, not catching.

35600:28:49,300 --> 00:28:52,310Ringing any bells? No?

35700:28:56,310 --> 00:28:58,310

How 'bout now?

35800:29:01,910 --> 00:29:04,320Wade fucking Wilson.

35900:29:06,320 --> 00:29:07,790Well, hello, gorgeous.

36000:29:07,800 --> 00:29:11,330Yeah, like I got bit by

a radioactive Shar Pei.

36100:29:11,420 --> 00:29:16,330And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? Timeto undo what you did to this butter face.

36200:29:16,330 --> 00:29:17,510You should thank me.


29/87

36300:29:17,520 --> 00:29:21,340Apparently, I've made you immortal.I'm actually quite jealous.

36400:29:21,430 --> 00:29:24,840Yeah, but this ain't alife worth living, is it? Now...

36500:29:25,340 --> 00:29:30,340I'm about to do to you what LimpBizkit did to music in the late 90's.

36600:29:31,340 --> 00:29:33,350Dad?

36700:29:36,350 --> 00:29:40,350I think we can all agree that shit justwent sideways in the most colossal way.

36800:29:41,350 --> 00:29:43,960Well, maybe not the most.

36900:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,860Now this, is mymost prized possession.

37000:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,860- Wham?

- No, no, no, no. WHAM!

37100:29:52,120 --> 00:29:55,370Make It Big is the album that George andAndy earned the exclamation point.

37200:29:55,470 --> 00:29:59,370So, am I supposed to justsmile and wave you out the door?

373

00:29:59,470 --> 00:30:02,380Think of it like spring cleaning.Only if spring was death.

37400:30:02,470 --> 00:30:06,380God, if I had a nickel for everytime Ispanked at the Bernadette Peters.

375


30/87

00:30:07,380 --> 00:30:10,420Sounds like you have.Bernadette is not going...

37600:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,410anywhere, because you'renot going anywhere.

37700:30:14,050 --> 00:30:15,350- Drink.- You're right.

37800:30:15,560 --> 00:30:19,060Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostateand brain. All things I can live without.

37900:30:21,060 --> 00:30:22,710You belong here at home.

380

00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:26,970Surrounded by your Voltron, andyour Bernadette and your me.

38100:30:27,070 --> 00:30:32,070Listen, we both knowthat cancer is a shit show.

38200:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,220Like a jack-off, Smirnoff,

38300:30:34,230 --> 00:30:39,490opening for the spin doctors atthe Iowa state fair shit show.

38400:30:39,590 --> 00:30:46,290And under no circumstanceswill I take you, to that show.

38500:30:46,390 --> 00:30:51,300I want you to remember me.

Not the "ghost of Christmas" me.

38600:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,000I wanna remember us!

38700:30:53,010 --> 00:30:54,290I swear to God,


31/87

38800:30:54,300 --> 00:30:58,400I'll find you in the next life and boombox Careless Whisper outside your window.

38900:30:58,410 --> 00:30:59,430WHAM!

39000:31:02,810 --> 00:31:06,110No one is boomboxing shit. Okay?

39100:31:08,910 --> 00:31:11,120We can fight this.

39200:31:12,900 --> 00:31:15,600Besides, I just realized something.

39300:31:15,700 --> 00:31:17,500

You win.

39400:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,900Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.

39500:31:25,500 --> 00:31:26,700I love you!

39600:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,200Wade.

39700:31:41,450 --> 00:31:42,650Wease.

39800:31:42,660 --> 00:31:45,110You look like you need ablowjob and a shower.

39900:31:45,120 --> 00:31:47,470Little courtesy calls

for the latter, first.

40000:31:47,550 --> 00:31:49,370How about three shots of patron.

40100:31:49,380 --> 00:31:51,970Or, how about,Triticum aestivum?


32/87

40200:31:52,360 --> 00:31:54,480Wheatgrass. Excellentfor the immune system.

40300:31:54,490 --> 00:31:56,470Jesus Christ, yousound like Vanessa.

40400:31:56,560 --> 00:31:57,590Here, check it out.

40500:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,570She's sending away for all thesecolorful clinic brochures.

40600:32:00,970 --> 00:32:03,570I'm sure they'reall FDA approved.

40700:32:03,670 --> 00:32:06,840Chechnya? Isn't that whereyou go to get cancer?

40800:32:06,850 --> 00:32:09,180We got China and Central Mexico.

40900:32:09,570 --> 00:32:11,900You know how they say

cancer in Spanish?

41000:32:11,910 --> 00:32:13,090No.

41100:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,480- "El cancer."- I could've guessed that.

41200:32:17,480 --> 00:32:18,850

Look how happy you look here.

41300:32:18,860 --> 00:32:21,500You mind if I keep this, putit up, so I can remember?

41400:32:21,590 --> 00:32:22,980When you looked alive.


33/87

41500:32:22,990 --> 00:32:25,710At least now I'm gonnawin the dead pool.

41600:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,500Now that you'll die,tragically, of cancer.

41700:32:28,590 --> 00:32:30,000I got it, thanks.

41800:32:33,000 --> 00:32:37,500That guy over there came in lookingfor you. Real grim reaper type.

41900:32:38,200 --> 00:32:40,510I don't know. Mightfurther the plot.

42000:32:44,110 --> 00:32:46,510- Booth.- Wade.

42100:32:51,920 --> 00:32:53,020Mr. Wilson.

42200:32:53,030 --> 00:32:54,650How can I help you, besides

42300:32:54,660 --> 00:32:56,940luring children into a panel van?

42400:32:57,020 --> 00:32:59,630I understand you've recently beendiagnosed with terminal cancer.

42500:33:00,740 --> 00:33:01,830Stalker alert!

42600:33:01,930 --> 00:33:03,980It's my job. Recruitment.

42700:33:04,290 --> 00:33:07,650I'm sorry you've hadsuch a tough go.


34/87


35/87

44100:33:56,660 --> 00:33:59,460We will make youbetter than better.

44200:34:01,360 --> 00:34:02,640A superhero.

44300:34:02,660 --> 00:34:05,170Look, Agent Smith,

44400:34:05,180 --> 00:34:07,700I tried the hero businessand it left a mark.

44500:34:07,770 --> 00:34:10,670But if I ever hit fuck-it, I'll look you up.

44600:34:11,670 --> 00:34:13,470Oh. Shit.

44700:34:13,670 --> 00:34:17,680We're within 500 yards of the school.So you may wanna, you know...

44800:34:20,680 --> 00:34:22,680His drink's on him.

44900:34:27,690 --> 00:34:29,690What'd he say?

45000:34:52,330 --> 00:34:53,750Hey, what's going on?

45100:34:54,850 --> 00:34:59,450Hey, sorry. I had aLiam Neeson nightmare.

45200:35:00,450 --> 00:35:03,760I dreamt I kidnapped his daughterand he just wasn't having it.

45300:35:13,770 --> 00:35:15,770They made 3 of those movies.

454


36/87

00:35:16,770 --> 00:35:19,770At some point, you'd have towonder if he's just a bad parent.

45500:35:33,790 --> 00:35:37,090The worst part about cancerisn't what it does to you.

45600:35:37,790 --> 00:35:39,790But what it does tothe people you love.

45700:35:41,790 --> 00:35:44,330Who knew if this guycould save my life?

45800:35:44,340 --> 00:35:47,810But I knew there's only oneway that I could save hers.

45900:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,400Isn't that what superheroes do?

46000:36:05,210 --> 00:36:09,210Okay. Let's pro/conthis superhero thing.

46100:36:11,220 --> 00:36:14,530Pro: they pull downa gaggle of ass,

46200:36:14,540 --> 00:36:16,830local dry cleaning discounts,lucrative film deals,

46300:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,930both origin stories and larger,ensemble team movies.

46400:36:19,930 --> 00:36:23,030

Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!

46500:36:23,030 --> 00:36:25,030You know I can hear you.

46600:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,140Wasn't talking to you.


37/87

I was talking to them.

46700:36:28,230 --> 00:36:29,540Stay right here.

46800:36:29,550 --> 00:36:32,640You've been warnedbefore, Deadpool.

46900:36:32,640 --> 00:36:36,190This is a shameful andreckless use of your powers.

47000:36:36,200 --> 00:36:38,240You will both be coming with us.

47100:36:38,240 --> 00:36:42,770Look Colossus, I don't have time for thegoody two-tissues bullshit right now.

47200:36:42,780 --> 00:36:44,460And you are?

47300:36:45,550 --> 00:36:47,550Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

47400:36:47,650 --> 00:36:51,160Negasonic Teenage...What the shit?!

47500:36:51,360 --> 00:36:53,560That's the coolest name ever!

47600:36:54,560 --> 00:36:58,560- So what, you're like his sidekick?- No. Trainee.

47700:36:58,660 --> 00:37:02,930Let me guess, X-Men left you

behind on what, shit detail?

47800:37:02,940 --> 00:37:04,480What does that make you?

47900:37:04,570 --> 00:37:07,770Pretending you're not here, NegasonicTeenage Warhead. Can we trade names?


38/87

48000:37:08,270 --> 00:37:11,670- Can we go?- "Look! I'm a teenage girl!"

48100:37:11,680 --> 00:37:13,610"I'd rather be anywhere than here."

48200:37:13,620 --> 00:37:17,950I'm all about long, sullen silences,followed by mean comments,

48300:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,900"followed by more silences."

48400:37:20,190 --> 00:37:21,780So what's it gonna be? huh?

485

00:37:21,790 --> 00:37:25,600Long, sullen silence?Or mean comment? Go on.

48600:37:27,590 --> 00:37:29,180You got me in a box here.

48700:37:29,190 --> 00:37:33,410We can't allow this, Deadpool.Please, come quietly.

48800:37:33,700 --> 00:37:36,600- You big, chrome cockgobbler!- That's not nice.

48900:37:36,700 --> 00:37:39,610You really got to fuckthis up for me? Trust me...

49000:37:39,700 --> 00:37:45,610That wheezing bag of dick-tits

has it coming! He's pure evil!

49100:37:45,710 --> 00:37:49,620Besides, nobody's getting hurt.

49200:37:54,620 --> 00:37:57,320That guy was alreadyup there when I got here.


39/87

49300:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,740Wade, you are better than this.

49400:37:59,750 --> 00:38:02,960Join us, use yourpowers for good.

49500:38:02,980 --> 00:38:04,790- Heads up!- Be a superhero.

49600:38:04,800 --> 00:38:09,040- Listen! The day I decide to bea crime-fighting shit-swizzler,

49700:38:09,140 --> 00:38:11,160who rooms with a bunchof other little whiners,

49800:38:11,170 --> 00:38:13,190at the Neverland Mansionof some creepy,

49900:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,870old, bald, heaven's gatelooking motherfucker,

50000:38:16,940 --> 00:38:18,040

on that day!,

50100:38:18,050 --> 00:38:21,040I'll send your shiny, happyass a friend request.

50200:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,760But until then, I'm gonnado what I came here to do.

503

00:38:23,850 --> 00:38:26,450Either that, or slapthe bitch out of you!

50400:38:26,460 --> 00:38:27,770- Wade...- Hey.

505


40/87

00:38:27,780 --> 00:38:29,860- Zip it, Sinead!- Hey, Douchepool!

50600:38:30,460 --> 00:38:32,660And I hope you're watching...

50700:38:35,660 --> 00:38:37,660Quite unfortunate.

50800:38:40,670 --> 00:38:43,670That does it!

50900:38:46,670 --> 00:38:48,670Canada!

51000:38:50,180 --> 00:38:53,680- That's not good. Cock shot!- Wade, please.

51100:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,680Oh, your poor wife!

51200:38:57,780 --> 00:38:59,690You really should stop.

51300:39:01,990 --> 00:39:05,090All the dinosaursfeared the T-Rex.

51400:39:08,690 --> 00:39:11,250I promise this getsworse for you, big boy!

51500:39:11,260 --> 00:39:12,710This is embarassing.

51600:39:13,700 --> 00:39:15,700Please. Stay down.

51700:39:16,700 --> 00:39:19,400Did you ever hear of the one-leggedman in the ass-kicking contest?

51800:39:19,510 --> 00:39:20,600Do you have 'off' switch?


41/87

51900:39:20,610 --> 00:39:23,520Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.Or is that the 'on' switch?

52000:39:23,710 --> 00:39:25,010Enough!

52100:39:33,720 --> 00:39:35,720Let us go talk to the Professor.

52200:39:36,720 --> 00:39:41,330McAvoy or Stewart? Thesetimelines are so confusing...

52300:39:41,730 --> 00:39:47,130- Dead or alive, you're coming with me!- You will recover, Wade. You always do.

524

00:39:52,740 --> 00:39:55,740Did you ever see "127 Hours"?Spoiler alert!

52500:39:59,750 --> 00:40:02,750Oh my God. Nasty.

52600:40:04,750 --> 00:40:10,760Oh, there's the money shot, baby. Areyou there, God? It's me, Margaret.

52700:40:20,770 --> 00:40:23,170Rock, meet bottom.

52800:40:23,770 --> 00:40:26,670When life ends upbreathtakingly fucked,

52900:40:26,680 --> 00:40:30,780you can generally trace itback to one big, bad decision.

53000:40:30,880 --> 00:40:33,780The one that sent youdown the road to Shitsburg.

53100:40:33,880 --> 00:40:36,780This, well, this was mine.


42/87

53200:40:37,780 --> 00:40:43,790Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heartmore than a change of someone else's.

53300:40:44,790 --> 00:40:47,790You've finally hit fuck-it.

53400:40:47,890 --> 00:40:50,470Just promise you'll do right by me.

53500:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,910So I can do right by someone else.

53600:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,120Of course.

53700:40:54,800 --> 00:40:59,810And please don't make the

super-suit green. Or animated!

53800:41:19,830 --> 00:41:24,830This place seems sanitary.My first request is warmer hands.

53900:41:24,930 --> 00:41:28,830And Jesus! A warmer table.

54000:41:29,840 --> 00:41:32,970

You should really come upwith a safe word, fellas.

54100:41:32,980 --> 00:41:34,850I'm thinking 'pork and beans'.

54200:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,320Easy!

54300:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,770

Aren't you a little strong for a lady?

54400:41:44,740 --> 00:41:47,750I'm calling Wang.

54500:41:49,750 --> 00:41:54,750What's up with the matches?Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?


43/87

54600:41:55,750 --> 00:41:58,170Patience, Angel.All in good time.

54700:41:58,180 --> 00:42:01,770Are you here for the turndown service or what?

54800:42:03,030 --> 00:42:04,080We have another talker.

54900:42:04,090 --> 00:42:06,620I'm just excited about myfirst day at superhero camp.

55000:42:06,710 --> 00:42:08,730Shut the fuck up.

55100:42:11,770 --> 00:42:16,780Mr. Wilson, my name'sAjax. I manage this workshop.

55200:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,780All of my welcome speeches usedto be filled with euphemisms like,

55300:42:20,780 --> 00:42:24,780"this may hurt a little," or

"this might cause you some discomfort."

55400:42:24,880 --> 00:42:26,330But I'm going blunt.

55500:42:26,340 --> 00:42:29,790This workshop is not agovernment-led program.

55600:42:29,790 --> 00:42:32,640

It's a private institution thatturns reclamation projects

55700:42:32,650 --> 00:42:34,100like yourself into men of....

55800:42:34,790 --> 00:42:37,800Extraordinary abilities.


44/87

55900:42:38,800 --> 00:42:42,800But if you think superhumanpowers are acquired painlessly...

56000:42:42,810 --> 00:42:43,910Wrong.

56100:42:44,300 --> 00:42:45,800I'm injecting you with a serum

56200:42:45,810 --> 00:42:48,520that activates any mutantgenes lurking in your DNA.

56300:42:48,710 --> 00:42:53,810For it to work, we need tosubject you to extreme stress.

56400:42:57,820 --> 00:43:01,820You've heard the whole, "make anomelet, break some eggs" bit, I hope.

56500:43:02,220 --> 00:43:06,830I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I wasa patient here once myself, you know.

56600:43:07,830 --> 00:43:12,830The treatment affects everyone differently.

It made Angel inhumanly strong.

56700:43:13,830 --> 00:43:16,710In my case, itenhanced my reflexes,

56800:43:16,720 --> 00:43:21,150also scorched my nerve endingsso I no longer feel pain.

569

00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:26,450And in fact, I nolonger feel anything.

57000:43:35,850 --> 00:43:39,860Thank... thank you! Youhave something in your teeth.

571


45/87

00:43:40,860 --> 00:43:45,860Right in the middle there, just...Nugget of romaine lettuce or something.

57200:43:47,870 --> 00:43:49,870It's been botheringme for a long time.

57300:43:51,870 --> 00:43:54,820Made you look. Hey, isAjax your actual name,

57400:43:54,820 --> 00:43:57,390because it soundssuspiciously made up.

57500:43:57,480 --> 00:44:05,090What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott?Mitch? Rickster? Is it Basil Fawlty?

57600:44:05,190 --> 00:44:09,790Joke away. One thing that never survivesthis place is a sense of humor.

57700:44:09,890 --> 00:44:12,890- We'll see about that.- I suppose we will.

57800:44:13,890 --> 00:44:15,290He's all yours.

57900:44:15,300 --> 00:44:20,910C'mon. You're gonna leave me all alonehere with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?

58000:44:24,900 --> 00:44:27,030This is how it's going to work.

58100:44:27,040 --> 00:44:30,360Adrenaline acts as a

catalyst for the serum, so

58200:44:30,370 --> 00:44:32,930we're gonna have tomake you suffer.

58300:44:33,910 --> 00:44:38,420If you're lucky, your mutant genes


46/87

will activate and manifest in a

58400:44:38,430 --> 00:44:40,430spectacular fashion.

58500:44:43,920 --> 00:44:46,930If not, well, we'll haveto keep on hurting you.

58600:44:47,930 --> 00:44:51,930In new and different ways,each more painful than the last.

58700:44:53,930 --> 00:44:56,940Until you finally mutate...

58800:44:57,940 --> 00:44:59,890or die.

58900:45:05,950 --> 00:45:07,830You mean like a bucket list?

59000:45:07,840 --> 00:45:12,960Like a fuck it list, I'd like tolight a spiff off the Olympic torch.

59100:45:13,050 --> 00:45:15,560Acid to me, right after.

59200:45:15,660 --> 00:45:21,960Let's not forget: naked tandem base-jumpingwith the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.

59300:45:22,060 --> 00:45:24,960Anything on my bucket listwould involve public nudity.

59400:45:25,970 --> 00:45:28,970Finally, giving Meredith

Baxter Birney a dutch oven.

59500:45:29,070 --> 00:45:32,570No, receiving a dutch ovenfrom Meredith Baxter Birney.

59600:45:35,980 --> 00:45:39,980Making banana


47/87

pancakes... For my kids...

59700:45:43,380 --> 00:45:45,990Vanessa...

59800:45:48,990 --> 00:45:51,990I wanna see Vanessa.

59900:45:52,090 --> 00:45:56,000Oh, lovely. I don't know aboutanyone else but, I'm touched.

60000:45:56,100 --> 00:45:57,900We're just joking.

60100:45:57,910 --> 00:46:03,010No, no. It's okay. Iencourage distractions.

60200:46:03,100 --> 00:46:06,000Wouldn't want you givingup on us now, would we?

60300:46:06,010 --> 00:46:10,010Hey, don't take any shit from him,Cunningham. How tough can he be...

60400:46:11,010 --> 00:46:15,010- with a name like Francis?

- Francis?

60500:46:16,020 --> 00:46:21,020It's his legal name. Hegot Ajax from a dish soap.

60600:46:23,020 --> 00:46:28,030F-R-A-N-C-I... oops!

60700:46:30,730 --> 00:46:34,030

Snagged the dry cleaningtag off your lab coat.

60800:46:34,130 --> 00:46:38,040FYI, I can probably getyou a superhero discount.

60900:46:38,140 --> 00:46:42,040


48/87

- You are so relentlessly annoying.- Thanks. Never heard that before.

61000:46:42,140 --> 00:46:45,090Why don't you do us all afavor and shut the fuck up?

61100:46:45,090 --> 00:46:47,060Or I'll sew yourpretty mouth shut.

61200:46:47,150 --> 00:46:50,950Oh, I wouldn't dothat if I were you.

61300:46:51,050 --> 00:46:54,170See, here's the problem withround-the-clock torture,

614

00:46:54,180 --> 00:46:57,070it's that you can't reallystep it up from there.

61500:46:59,060 --> 00:47:02,060Is that what you think?

61600:47:07,070 --> 00:47:11,770If this doesn't unlock yourmutation, then, well, nothing will.

61700:47:12,070 --> 00:47:15,380What we're gonna do is lower theoxygen concentration in the air

61800:47:15,390 --> 00:47:18,090to the exact point you feellike you're suffocating.

61900:47:18,180 --> 00:47:22,250If your brain wave's slow meaning

you're about to pass out,

62000:47:22,260 --> 00:47:24,090then we'll turn up the O2.

62100:47:24,180 --> 00:47:27,750If your heart rate slows meaningyou're able to catch your breath,


49/87

62200:47:27,760 --> 00:47:29,100we'll turn it back down.

62300:47:30,090 --> 00:47:34,090And that's where we'llleave you. Right there.

62400:47:35,090 --> 00:47:39,100- I thought you guys were dicks before...- You know the funniest part of this?

62500:47:40,100 --> 00:47:43,100You still think we'remaking you a superhero.

62600:47:43,200 --> 00:47:49,910You? A dishonorable discharge?Hip deep in hookers?

62700:47:50,110 --> 00:47:55,110You're nothing. A little secret, Wade...

62800:47:55,220 --> 00:47:59,120This workshop doesn't makesuperheroes, we make superslaves.

62900:48:00,120 --> 00:48:05,120We're gonna fit you with a control collar

and auction you off to the highest bidder.

63000:48:05,230 --> 00:48:07,330And that's what they'llhave you doing.

63100:48:07,340 --> 00:48:10,140Terrorizing citizens, puttingdown freedom fighters.

632

00:48:12,130 --> 00:48:15,130Maybe just mowthe occasional lawn.

63300:48:16,140 --> 00:48:18,140What the fuck is wrong with you?

63400:48:23,140 --> 00:48:28,850


50/87

You're never going home afterthis. Now there's a brave face.

63500:48:29,150 --> 00:48:32,150Wait, wait, wait...

63600:48:33,150 --> 00:48:38,160Seriously, you actually havesomething in your teeth now.

63700:48:39,160 --> 00:48:45,160- Enjoy your weekend.- Weekend? Back up, weekend?

63800:49:26,210 --> 00:49:31,210Did I say this was a lovestory? No. It's a horror movie.

63900:49:47,230 --> 00:49:52,230

Fucking hell! Looks like someonelost a shot at homecoming king.

64000:49:52,330 --> 00:49:53,750What have you done to me?

64100:49:53,760 --> 00:49:58,250I've mainly raised your stress levelshigh enough to trigger a mutation.

642

00:49:58,340 --> 00:50:03,240- You sadistic fuck!- I've cured you, Wade.

64300:50:03,340 --> 00:50:06,190Now your mutated cellscan heal anything.

64400:50:06,200 --> 00:50:09,260Striking your cancer asfast as it can form.

64500:50:10,250 --> 00:50:15,250Yeah, I've seen some other sideeffects before... I could cure them.

64600:50:18,260 --> 00:50:20,260But where's the fun in that?


51/87

64700:50:22,260 --> 00:50:25,260Now I'm gonna shutyou in again, Wade.

64800:50:26,760 --> 00:50:30,270Not because I need to.

64900:50:33,270 --> 00:50:35,270Because I want to.

65000:50:49,290 --> 00:50:52,290Farewell. Go ahead.

65100:50:54,290 --> 00:50:57,300Ugh. You smell like shit.

65200:51:00,300 --> 00:51:04,300- Motherfucker...

- That's alright, it's alright...

65300:51:04,400 --> 00:51:11,310I think we have earned that one.You take off. Go on, off you go.

65400:51:22,320 --> 00:51:24,320Quick question:

65500:51:26,330 --> 00:51:28,330

What's my name?

65600:51:33,330 --> 00:51:36,340Didn't think so.

65700:51:37,340 --> 00:51:40,340Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.

65800:53:36,020 --> 00:53:40,460You don't wanna kill me. I'm the

only one who can fix your ugly mug!

65900:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,520What's my name?

66000:54:44,520 --> 00:54:46,530Wade...


52/87

66100:55:52,590 --> 00:56:00,600I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...I got the cure to el everything.

66200:56:03,600 --> 00:56:08,610But there was only onething that really mattered.

66300:57:30,090 --> 00:57:33,790No way. I'm not makingher life as ugly as mine.

66400:57:33,990 --> 00:57:39,100- Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.- Bullshit! I'm a monster inside now.

66500:57:39,200 --> 00:57:42,800- I belong in a fucking circus.- Wade, Vanessa loves you.

66600:57:43,000 --> 00:57:46,100- She doesn't care what you... Oh!- Do you like what you see?

66700:57:46,210 --> 00:57:52,910No. You look like an avocado had sexwith an older, more disgusting avocado.

66800:57:53,110 --> 00:57:55,040

Not gently. He was hate-fucking.

66900:57:55,050 --> 00:57:57,970There was something wrongwith the relationship

67000:57:57,980 --> 00:58:01,140and that was their onlycatharsis without violence.

671

00:58:01,220 --> 00:58:05,500And the only guy who can fix thisfugly mug is the British shitstick

67200:58:05,510 --> 00:58:08,740who ran the mutant factory.And he's gone... Poof!

673


53/87

00:58:08,930 --> 00:58:10,480You gotta do somethingto remedy this.

67400:58:10,490 --> 00:58:12,640'Cause as of now, you onlyhave one course of action:

67500:58:13,130 --> 00:58:16,740- Damn straight. Find Francis.- Star in horror films.

67600:58:16,940 --> 00:58:19,940- What?- Star in your own horror films.

67700:58:20,040 --> 00:58:23,640'Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.

67800:58:24,540 --> 00:58:25,940Here's what I'mactually gonna do:

67900:58:26,040 --> 00:58:29,290I'm gonna work thru his crewuntil somebody gives up Francis,

68000:58:29,290 --> 00:58:33,160force him to fix this, put a bullet

in his skull, and fuck the brainhole.

68100:58:33,250 --> 00:58:36,150I don't wanna see that,or think of it again. But,

68200:58:36,260 --> 00:58:38,580the douchebag does thinkyou're dead, right?

683

00:58:38,590 --> 00:58:39,590Yeah.

68400:58:39,660 --> 00:58:41,790That's good. You shouldkeep it that way.

68500:58:41,800 --> 00:58:43,260


54/87

What, like, wear a mask?

68600:58:43,260 --> 00:58:50,170Yes, a very thick mask. All thetime. I'm sorry, you're haunting.

68700:58:50,270 --> 00:58:53,870- Your face is the stuff of nightmares.- Like a testicle with teeth.

68800:58:53,970 --> 00:59:00,180You will die alone. I mean if youcould die. Ideally. For others' sake.

68900:59:00,280 --> 00:59:01,260That'll do.

69000:59:01,270 --> 00:59:05,190What you need now is a suit and a

nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker...

69100:59:05,290 --> 00:59:10,810or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.Oh, shit.

69200:59:10,820 --> 00:59:12,200What?

69300:59:13,190 --> 00:59:17,200

I put all my money on you, and now I justrealized I'm never gonna win the....

69400:59:17,200 --> 00:59:18,310Deadpool...

69500:59:21,200 --> 00:59:24,200Captain Deadpool.

69600:59:25,200 --> 00:59:28,210

No. Just-just Deadpool. Yeah.

69700:59:28,310 --> 00:59:30,230To you, Mr. Pool.

69800:59:30,240 --> 00:59:34,620Deadpool. That soundslike a fuckin' franchise.


55/87

69900:59:38,850 --> 00:59:40,850(Deadpool)

70000:59:42,880 --> 00:59:44,880(Deadpool)

70100:59:46,900 --> 00:59:48,230(Deadpool)

70200:59:48,230 --> 00:59:50,230This shit's gonnahave nuts in it!

70300:59:51,360 --> 00:59:52,340They call me Deadpool, I'm hella fast.

70400:59:52,340 --> 00:59:54,340

Where's Francis?

70500:59:54,360 --> 00:59:55,860Came to merc the bad guys, and get some ass.

70600:59:55,890 --> 00:59:56,990Got blades for days, got guns galore.

70700:59:57,010 --> 00:59:59,010Got combo moves, evades and more.

70801:00:06,880 --> 01:00:08,880Where is Francis?

70901:00:08,900 --> 01:00:10,900Run away, you know that I'll chase.

71001:00:10,930 --> 01:00:12,030Every bad guy, put themright in their place.

71101:00:12,050 --> 01:00:13,950Revenge, im gonna give you a taste

71201:00:13,980 --> 01:00:15,880I'm sexy as hell, but I cover my face.

713


56/87

01:00:16,260 --> 01:00:23,260Seltzer water and lemon forblood. Or wear red. Dumbass!

71401:00:24,890 --> 01:00:28,900Captain Deadpool (Nah, just Deadpool)

71501:00:28,920 --> 01:00:30,920Merc with a mouth, I can't die.

71601:00:30,950 --> 01:00:32,950One foot in the graveBut I'm still alive.

71701:00:32,970 --> 01:00:34,970Try to kill me, I'll just revive.

71801:00:35,000 --> 01:00:37,040Then I'll put another bullet

right between your eyes.

71901:00:41,280 --> 01:00:43,280Don't make me ask twice.

72001:00:44,280 --> 01:00:47,290Where is Francis?

72101:00:47,390 --> 01:00:52,290He made me ask twice.

Is the mask muffling my voice?

72201:00:53,420 --> 01:00:55,920I'm bout to take you allto school with guns and knives.

72301:00:55,950 --> 01:00:57,920(Deadpool)

72401:00:57,930 --> 01:00:59,930

Where's Francis?

72501:01:01,450 --> 01:01:03,460Where's fucking Francis?

72601:01:11,310 --> 01:01:14,310You're about to bekilled by a Zamboni!


57/87

72701:01:14,440 --> 01:01:16,450Where's Francis?

72801:01:17,320 --> 01:01:22,320- No, please...- Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

72901:01:23,320 --> 01:01:26,330Little spider-monkey!

73001:01:28,460 --> 01:01:30,460Where is...

73101:01:30,460 --> 01:01:32,460Francis?

73201:01:33,330 --> 01:01:34,730

This is confusing!

73301:01:34,740 --> 01:01:40,350Is it sexist to hit you, is it more sexistto not hit you, the line gets real blurry!

73401:01:40,440 --> 01:01:42,340Donde esta Francesca?

73501:01:43,340 --> 01:01:49,350

Tell me where your fucking boss is!Or you're gonna die! In 5 minutes!

73601:01:49,480 --> 01:01:51,480♪ Sexy motherfucka ♪

73701:01:53,510 --> 01:01:55,510♪ Sexy motherfucka ♪

73801:02:16,380 --> 01:02:23,380

Nice to see you, Jared. I'lltake a foot long. Fully loaded.

73901:02:38,400 --> 01:02:43,25041 confirmed kills. Now,it's 89, about to be 90.

74001:02:43,260 --> 01:02:44,910


58/87

Mr. Wilson?

74101:02:46,410 --> 01:02:51,410- You're looking very alive.- Hah! Only on the outside.

74201:02:51,510 --> 01:02:54,410- This is not going to end...- This is not gonna end well for you, no.

74301:02:54,510 --> 01:02:57,420- Where's your boss?- I can tell you exactly where...

74401:02:58,420 --> 01:03:00,320You'll tell me. But first,

74501:03:00,330 --> 01:03:05,430you might wanna look away for this.

Now this little piggy went to...

74601:03:07,180 --> 01:03:08,930Thank you, Agent Smith.

74701:03:12,430 --> 01:03:14,430Taxi!

74801:03:15,430 --> 01:03:18,440Hop in! Great day for a ride.

74901:03:19,440 --> 01:03:21,440And we all knowhow this turned out.

75001:03:24,440 --> 01:03:26,450Whoops! You weren'tmeant to see that.

75101:03:33,450 --> 01:03:36,460

There. All caught up.

75201:03:46,970 --> 01:03:50,970Sorry! About bleedingat all your garbage.

75301:03:55,970 --> 01:03:58,980Seltzer water and


59/87

lemon for blood.

75401:04:00,980 --> 01:04:03,580Some kinds of angercan't be managed.

75501:04:03,680 --> 01:04:07,680Like the kind where your year-longplan ends with the wrong guy

75601:04:07,690 --> 01:04:09,000getting dismembered!

75701:04:09,090 --> 01:04:13,990That said, when it comes time to lickingwounds, there's no place like home.

75801:04:52,530 --> 01:04:54,530Morning, sleepyhead.

75901:04:55,530 --> 01:05:00,240- It smells like old lady pants in here.- Yes I'm old, I wear pants.

76001:05:00,340 --> 01:05:03,540But you're no lady.Oh, so comfy.

76101:05:05,540 --> 01:05:07,990

Upside of being blind, I'venever seen you in crocs.

76201:05:08,000 --> 01:05:10,260You mean my big, rubber,masturbating shoes?

76301:05:10,350 --> 01:05:16,560Yes I know. Downside of being blind,I hear everything in this duplex.

76401:05:18,460 --> 01:05:21,560- Sit on a stick.- Bactine?

76501:05:22,560 --> 01:05:24,560Bactine should do it.

766


60/87

01:05:25,560 --> 01:05:30,570How's that () coming along? Ikeadoesn't assemble itself, you know.

76701:05:30,670 --> 01:05:35,570You're telling me. I don't mind the ().It's an improvement on the Hurdal.

76801:05:35,570 --> 01:05:38,180Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal.

76901:05:38,580 --> 01:05:41,580I'd taken an Hemnes ora Trysil over the Hurdal.

77001:05:43,580 --> 01:05:45,380No, I didn't getexcited 'till I saw ().

771

01:05:45,580 --> 01:05:46,550Screw, please.

77201:05:46,550 --> 01:05:49,400Here? Now? Just kidding. Iknow it's been decades.

77301:05:49,490 --> 01:05:52,590- You'd be surprised.- Pretty grossed out.

77401:05:53,590 --> 01:05:56,600Ta... dah...

77501:06:02,380 --> 01:06:05,600I wish I never heard, of Craigslist.

77601:06:05,710 --> 01:06:08,720And I quote, "Looking for roommate,blind, and likes imperfections."

77701:06:08,730 --> 01:06:12,320"Must be good with hands." Or would yourather I build the Ikea and you pay rent?

77801:06:12,410 --> 01:06:15,610- Why such a douche this morning?- Let's recap:


61/87

77901:06:15,720 --> 01:06:20,220The cock-fizzle that turned me into thisfreak slipped through my arms today.

78001:06:20,320 --> 01:06:21,720Arm.

78101:06:21,920 --> 01:06:25,190Catching him was my only chance to behot again, get my super-sexy ex back

78201:06:25,200 --> 01:06:27,330and prevent this fromhappening to someone else.

78301:06:27,430 --> 01:06:30,360So yeah, today was about asmuch fun as a sandpaper dildo.

78401:06:33,030 --> 01:06:34,830Hashtag drive-by.

78501:06:53,850 --> 01:06:56,860Found out who ourfriend in the red suit is.

78601:06:57,860 --> 01:07:03,860Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd weara mask, too, if I had a face like that.

78701:07:03,960 --> 01:07:05,860I only wish I'd heal the same.

78801:07:09,470 --> 01:07:12,870Still, we'll put him out ofour misery. On our terms.

78901:07:13,870 --> 01:07:15,640Right. And when he heals?

79001:07:15,650 --> 01:07:19,890He can't. Not if there'snothing left of him to heal.

79101:07:19,980 --> 01:07:24,880You know, it's funny. Ialmost missed the fucker.


62/87

79201:07:25,880 --> 01:07:32,190I like a challenge. But he's badfor business. Now let's go find him.

79301:07:36,900 --> 01:07:37,800Tylenol PM?

79401:07:37,810 --> 01:07:40,910It sticks back whereyou stuck the Bactine.

79501:07:41,000 --> 01:07:44,570I raided my stash ofwisdom just to take a sec

79601:07:44,570 --> 01:07:47,910and I am orbiting fuckingSaturn right now.

79701:07:50,510 --> 01:07:52,910But I appreciate the gesture.

79801:07:53,910 --> 01:07:57,920Am I crazy? Or isyour hand really small?

79901:07:58,020 --> 01:08:00,920About the size of a KFC spork.

80001:08:01,920 --> 01:08:03,350I get why you're so pissy,

80101:08:03,360 --> 01:08:05,450but your mood's nevergonna brighten

80201:08:05,460 --> 01:08:08,440'till you find this woman

and tell her how you feel.

80301:08:08,530 --> 01:08:10,670What do I keep tellingyou, Mrs. McGoo?

80401:08:10,680 --> 01:08:13,940She wouldn't have me. If you


63/87

could see me, you'd understand.

80501:08:14,030 --> 01:08:15,290Looks aren't everything.

80601:08:15,300 --> 01:08:18,440Looks are everything! Everheard David Beckham speak?

80701:08:18,540 --> 01:08:20,830It's like he mouth-sexeda can of helium.

80801:08:20,840 --> 01:08:24,450You think Ryan Reynolds got thisfar on a superior acting method?

80901:08:24,540 --> 01:08:26,440- Love is blind, Wade.

- No...

81001:08:26,950 --> 01:08:28,950You're blind.

81101:08:29,050 --> 01:08:31,950So you're just gonnalie there and whimper?

81201:08:32,050 --> 01:08:34,710

No, I'm gonna wait 'till thisarm plows through puberty

81301:08:34,720 --> 01:08:37,560and then I'll come up with awhole, new Christmas day plan.

81401:08:37,760 --> 01:08:42,960In the meantime, you might wanna leavethe room. I bet it feels huge in this hand.

81501:08:43,960 --> 01:08:46,970Go, go, go, go, go...

81601:08:47,970 --> 01:08:51,000So the doctor says, the bad news isyou don't have that long to live.

817


64/87

01:08:51,010 --> 01:08:52,780So the patient says,how long do I have?

81801:08:52,870 --> 01:08:55,970The doctor says, five.The guy says, five what?

81901:08:56,070 --> 01:08:59,980The doctor says, 4, 3, 2...

82001:09:05,980 --> 01:09:08,590Can I help you ladies?

82101:09:10,990 --> 01:09:12,990Oh, I do hope so.

82201:09:15,990 --> 01:09:21,000Now, I heard you might be able to point

me in the direction of a, a friend of mine.

82301:09:21,100 --> 01:09:23,000Name of Wade Wilson.

82401:09:24,000 --> 01:09:27,010Sorry, I don't know the name.

82501:09:34,010 --> 01:09:36,880Hey, you're not supposed

to be behind the bar.

82601:09:40,020 --> 01:09:41,300I've seen this girl.

82701:09:41,310 --> 01:09:45,030This must be Vanessa. I'veheard so much about you.

82801:09:49,030 --> 01:09:51,160

Sweetheart, you mightwanna look around.

82901:09:51,170 --> 01:09:54,040This isn't really the placeto do something like that.

83001:09:55,030 --> 01:09:59,040


65/87

Easy, Angel. Putthe little man down.

83101:10:00,040 --> 01:10:03,040- We have everything we need now.- You sure?

83201:10:04,040 --> 01:10:07,050You don't want any clothesthat are not monochromatic?

83301:10:07,150 --> 01:10:10,050Have fun at your midnightshowing of Blade II.

83401:10:13,050 --> 01:10:16,050Thanks for having my back, guys.

83501:10:20,660 --> 01:10:24,560

Wade, we have a fuckingproblem, and by we, I mean you.

83601:10:25,760 --> 01:10:31,070I can't believe we're doing this. Is therea word for half-afraid, half-angry?

83701:10:31,170 --> 01:10:34,070"Afrangry", I guess. Have youdecided what you're gonna say to her?

83801:10:34,150 --> 01:10:38,780- Fuck me!- Maybe not start with that.

83901:10:44,080 --> 01:10:50,090Hey, coming on to our stageright now, give it up for Chastity!

84001:10:53,090 --> 01:10:55,020Or as I like to call her, Irony.

84101:10:55,030 --> 01:10:58,100I gotta find her fast,before numb nuts does.

84201:10:58,200 --> 01:11:03,100- How do you know she's in here?- Some customer stalking that fox.


66/87

84301:11:25,930 --> 01:11:29,930Every time I see her,it's like the first time.

84401:11:30,430 --> 01:11:32,930Especially from this angle.

84501:11:55,960 --> 01:11:59,960You can't buy love, but youcan rent it for three minutes.

84601:12:02,960 --> 01:12:05,970You weak motherfucker!

84701:12:06,970 --> 01:12:11,970C'mon. Get it together, this isn'tabout you, this is about Vanessa.

84801:12:15,980 --> 01:12:17,980Here we go.

84901:12:19,980 --> 01:12:21,980Maximum effort.

85001:12:24,980 --> 01:12:26,590Vanessa!

851

01:12:28,990 --> 01:12:34,990Someone out back asking for you.Something about, an old boyfriend?

85201:13:01,020 --> 01:13:06,030I knew it was you. 'Causewe're weird curvy edges.

85301:13:07,030 --> 01:13:09,030Like a jigsaw puzzle.

85401:13:19,040 --> 01:13:22,040You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.

85501:13:31,050 --> 01:13:32,520Hey, hey, where did she go?

85601:13:32,530 --> 01:13:36,060


67/87

I saw her head to the back.Go get her, tiger.

85701:14:00,700 --> 01:14:01,700Fuck!

85801:14:03,480 --> 01:14:05,080Motherfucker!

85901:14:05,080 --> 01:14:07,890- Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade...- Cunt! Chocolate...

86001:14:08,090 --> 01:14:13,090- Jiminy... Fuck! Fuck!- We can talk... or you can hit that...

86101:14:18,100 --> 01:14:21,100- Whoa! Whoa!

- Relax, relax. Okay...

86201:14:21,100 --> 01:14:28,110I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... findthat, find it, or I'm gonna get angry.

86301:14:30,110 --> 01:14:34,010Here, this is Vanessa.No, wait, it's Francis.

864

01:14:34,110 --> 01:14:37,120- He wants you to come to him.- What is that?

86501:14:37,220 --> 01:14:40,810That's the shit emoji. It's the turdwith the smiling face and the eyes.

86601:14:40,820 --> 01:14:43,130I thought it was chocolateyogurt for so long.

86701:14:43,420 --> 01:14:46,120- I need guns.- Okay, which ones?

86801:14:46,220 --> 01:14:49,130- I need all the guns!- All right, okay.


68/87

86901:15:08,550 --> 01:15:13,550- That's about 3000 rounds.- And we all know what I can do with 12.

87001:15:13,850 --> 01:15:17,160Hey, hey, careful with that,Ronnie Milsap, we're downrange.

87101:15:18,160 --> 01:15:23,160I was gonna spend the night assemblingthe () but this is holding my interest.

87201:15:23,260 --> 01:15:26,160- I told you, we're goingwith the (), not the (),

87301:15:26,170 --> 01:15:28,570get it thru your head

or get outta Fucktown!

87401:15:28,580 --> 01:15:29,480Shit.

87501:15:29,570 --> 01:15:31,240That's all thepieces in the house.

87601:15:31,250 --> 01:15:33,480

No, no, no, come on. Let's go.Cough it up.

87701:15:36,170 --> 01:15:39,180- Down, down, down, down.- Fuck you.

87801:15:40,180 --> 01:15:43,18045 cal. I like it.

879

01:15:45,080 --> 01:15:46,180Wade...

88001:15:47,190 --> 01:15:51,190I'd go with you, but...I don't wanna.

88101:15:53,190 --> 01:15:56,190


69/87

Oh, listen, Al...

88201:15:57,200 --> 01:16:02,200If I never see you again, I want youto know that I love you very much.

88301:16:03,200 --> 01:16:04,600And also,

88401:16:04,610 --> 01:16:08,240there's about 116 kilos of cocaineburied somewhere in the apartment,

88501:16:08,250 --> 01:16:10,220right next to the cure for blindness.

88601:16:10,310 --> 01:16:12,210Good luck.

88701:16:16,210 --> 01:16:19,220You wanna get fucked up?

88801:16:27,730 --> 01:16:30,230Put her down over here.

88901:16:39,240 --> 01:16:41,240Go on, then.

890

01:16:43,240 --> 01:16:49,250- Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.- You're a talker, too. You and Wade.

89101:16:49,350 --> 01:16:52,690I've been trying to tell youassholes you got the wrong girl.

89201:16:52,700 --> 01:16:54,260My old boyfriend, he's dead.

89301:16:54,350 --> 01:17:02,260See, I thought that, too. But he keeps oncoming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier.

89401:17:02,360 --> 01:17:09,770Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's seehow he fights with your head on the block.


70/87

89501:17:17,280 --> 01:17:21,280- Ripley! From Alien 3!- Fuck, you're old.

89601:17:22,280 --> 01:17:25,830Fake laugh! Hiding real pain!Go get Silver balls.

89701:17:25,840 --> 01:17:29,400You guys going for a bite?Early bird special?

89801:17:29,590 --> 01:17:32,790Like there's something wrong with eatingbefore sundown or saving money. No.

89901:17:32,990 --> 01:17:37,300You know that bad guy thatyou let go? He's got my girl.

90001:17:38,300 --> 01:17:42,050- You're gonna help me get her back.- Wade? Is that you?

90101:17:42,150 --> 01:17:46,300Yeah, it's me Deadpool, and I gotan offer that you can't refuse!

90201:17:48,910 --> 01:17:50,910

I'm gonna wait out here,okay? It's a big house!

90301:17:51,010 --> 01:17:53,190It's funny that I only ever see 2 of you.

90401:17:53,200 --> 01:17:56,320It's almost like, the studiocouldn't afford another X-Men.

905

01:17:57,850 --> 01:18:03,150And that, is why in my opinion, themovie Cocoon, is pure pornography.

90601:18:04,150 --> 01:18:08,160- Who brought this twinkly man?- Twinkly, but deadly.

907


71/87

01:18:08,260 --> 01:18:12,570My chrome-penised friend back there,has agreed to do me this solid.

90801:18:12,580 --> 01:18:16,270In exchange, I said I wouldconsider joining his boy band.

90901:18:16,970 --> 01:18:20,170- It's not boy band.- Sure, it's not.

91001:18:20,170 --> 01:18:22,200So, any luck winning Gita back?

91101:18:22,210 --> 01:18:24,710I tried to hold ontight, Mr. Pool,

912

01:18:24,720 --> 01:18:28,190but Bandu is more craftierand handsomer than me.

91301:18:29,280 --> 01:18:32,180Well, I think you'repretty darn cute.

91401:18:37,190 --> 01:18:39,190- Dopinder?- Hmm?

91501:18:40,790 --> 01:18:48,800- What was that?- That was........ Bandu, in the trunk?

91601:18:50,000 --> 01:18:53,200- Ban-who?- My romantic rival, Bandu.

91701:18:53,300 --> 01:18:56,060

He's tied up in the trunk.I'm doing as you said, DP,

91801:18:56,070 --> 01:19:00,220I plan to gut him like a tandoori fishthen dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.

91901:19:00,310 --> 01:19:05,210


72/87

I did not tell him to do that! Absolutelynot! We got lost in translation!

92001:19:05,310 --> 01:19:09,520Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita'sheart back! (I'm so proud of you.)

92101:19:09,620 --> 01:19:12,920Drop Bandu off safeand gentle-like. (Kill him.)

92201:19:13,020 --> 01:19:19,230And then, win Gita back the old-fashionedway, with your boyish charm! (Kidnap her.)

92301:19:20,230 --> 01:19:22,230He's super dead.

92401:19:27,240 --> 01:19:31,240

- I presume a crisp high-five?- For you? Ten!

92501:19:31,740 --> 01:19:36,240Okay, guys, let's get out there and makea difference! (You know what to do.)

92601:19:37,650 --> 01:19:39,250Knock 'em dead, pool boy!

927

01:19:41,250 --> 01:19:43,850Time to make thechimi-fucking-changas.

92801:19:44,950 --> 01:19:46,980Not often a dude ruins your face,

92901:19:46,990 --> 01:19:48,430skullstomps your sanity,

930

01:19:48,440 --> 01:19:51,370grabs your future baby mamaand personally sees to 4

93101:19:51,380 --> 01:19:52,990of your 5 shittiest moments.

93201:19:53,860 --> 01:19:58,270


73/87


74/87

94701:20:51,090 --> 01:20:53,090♪ I've been doing this for nineteen years ♪

94801:20:53,120 --> 01:20:56,020♪ Niggas wanna fight me?Fight these tears ♪

94901:21:02,330 --> 01:21:04,330Wade Wilson!

95001:21:05,330 --> 01:21:06,400What's my name?

95101:21:06,410 --> 01:21:09,450Ooh, I'mma fuckingspell it out for 'ya.

952

01:21:11,340 --> 01:21:12,340Go get some.

95301:21:12,350 --> 01:21:16,350Superhero landing. She's gonna doa superhero landing, wait for it!

95401:21:20,350 --> 01:21:23,500Superhero landing! You know,that's really hard on your knees.

95501:21:23,510 --> 01:21:25,360Totally impractical,they all do it.

95601:21:25,450 --> 01:21:30,060You're a lovely lady but I'm saving myselffor Francis. That's why I brought him.

95701:21:30,210 --> 01:21:34,360I'd prefer not to hit a

woman, so please...

95801:21:40,370 --> 01:21:43,370I mean, that'swhy I brought her?

95901:21:45,070 --> 01:21:50,380Oh no. Finish your tweet. Just give us


75/87

a second. Here you go. Hash tag it.

96001:21:51,380 --> 01:21:53,380Go get her, tiger.

96101:22:00,390 --> 01:22:04,390I so pity the dude whopressures her into prom sex.

96201:22:04,490 --> 01:22:06,700Alright then. Fire!

96301:22:17,910 --> 01:22:19,600Finish fucking her the fuck up!

96401:22:19,810 --> 01:22:21,910- Language, please.- Suck a cock!

96501:22:47,990 --> 01:22:51,740Look away, child. Look away!

96601:22:58,450 --> 01:23:03,450- Wait! Wait!- Cease fire! Cease fire!

96701:23:03,550 --> 01:23:10,460Fellas, hey, you only work forthat shit-spackled Muppet fart.

96801:23:10,560 --> 01:23:12,260So, I'mma give you a chance

96901:23:12,270 --> 01:23:16,470for y'all to lay down your firearmsin exchange for preferential,

97001:23:16,480 --> 01:23:18,580bordering on gentle, possibly...

97101:23:19,470 --> 01:23:21,870even lover-like treatment.

97201:23:23,470 --> 01:23:26,070Fine! Commando!

973


76/87

01:24:38,150 --> 01:24:39,550Teabag!

97401:24:42,550 --> 01:24:45,950- Bob?- Wade?

97501:24:46,150 --> 01:24:48,580Oh my God, I haven't seenyou since, TGIFridays!

97601:24:48,580 --> 01:24:49,970Jacksonville. Fridays.

97701:24:50,560 --> 01:24:55,160What the hell! God!Come here, you.

97801:24:56,570 --> 01:25:01,620

How are the kids? Good? And Gail, isshe still fixing that tuna casserole?

97901:25:01,630 --> 01:25:03,580It's so good, but bad for...

98001:25:10,580 --> 01:25:15,340Your... on the left...You are beautiful...

981

01:25:15,350 --> 01:25:18,590That is so sweet! Thanks!

98201:25:29,600 --> 01:25:33,600Does he write you notes,too? He's such a romantic.

98301:25:33,700 --> 01:25:35,600Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.

984

01:25:36,610 --> 01:25:37,910Fire!

98501:25:44,610 --> 01:25:48,620Hey! Climb on.

98601:26:37,670 --> 01:26:41,670Motherfucker shoulda


77/87


78/87

01:27:22,810 --> 01:27:28,220Let's dance. And by "dance", Imean let's try to kill each other.

100001:28:22,370 --> 01:28:27,780- Fine. Fists.- Sounds like your last Saturday night.

100101:29:21,530 --> 01:29:24,530♪ You know our love was meant to be ♪

100201:29:27,560 --> 01:29:31,560♪ The kind of love to last forever ♪

100301:29:34,590 --> 01:29:37,590♪ And I want you here with me ♪

100401:29:40,620 --> 01:29:45,620♪ From tonight until the end of time ♪

100501:29:46,550 --> 01:29:49,060♪ You should know,

100601:29:49,070 --> 01:29:51,320Asshole!

100701:29:51,330 --> 01:29:52,980everywhere I go ♪

100801:29:53,560 --> 01:29:59,570♪ Always on my mind, inmy heart, in my soul ♪

100901:29:59,590 --> 01:30:03,590♪ Baby, you're the meaning in my life ♪

101001:30:03,620 --> 01:30:06,620♪ You're the inspiration ♪

101101:30:06,650 --> 01:30:09,650♪ Wanna have you near me ♪

101201:30:10,570 --> 01:30:13,580♪ I wanna have you hear me saying ♪

101301:30:14,600 --> 01:30:19,610


79/87

♪ No one needs you more than I need you ♪

101401:30:19,630 --> 01:30:23,640♪ needs you more than I... ♪

101501:30:46,920 --> 01:30:51,920- Hang in there, baby. I got you.- Wade!

101601:30:53,920 --> 01:30:56,620I got a plan. You'renot gonna like it.

101701:31:05,930 --> 01:31:08,940Shit, shit, shit!

101801:31:12,940 --> 01:31:16,950Don't worry! I'mtotally on top of this.

101901:31:31,960 --> 01:31:36,970Dammit! Maximum effort!

102001:32:19,010 --> 01:32:21,010Thanks.

102101:32:25,010 --> 01:32:28,020Just take it slow.

102201:32:37,420 --> 01:32:40,730Oh, my God! That was so awe...

102301:33:13,460 --> 01:33:18,590Me and you, are headedto fix this butter face!

102401:33:18,600 --> 01:33:19,880What?

102501:33:21,070 --> 01:33:24,370You sure are a fucking idiot.

102601:33:24,570 --> 01:33:30,680Did you really thinkthere was a cure, for that?

1027


80/87

01:33:31,080 --> 01:33:35,080- What?- You heard me.

102801:33:35,180 --> 01:33:38,090No, no!

102901:33:45,090 --> 01:33:53,100So, you mean to say...After all this, you can't fix me?

103001:33:53,600 --> 01:33:56,300It sounds evenstupider when you say it.

103101:33:56,500 --> 01:34:01,110Like the kind of stupid who admits he can'tdo the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?

1032

01:34:05,110 --> 01:34:07,120Any last words?

103301:34:08,120 --> 01:34:12,120- What's my name?- Who fucking cares!

103401:34:12,220 --> 01:34:13,720Wade!

1035

01:34:14,120 --> 01:34:18,130- Four or five moments.- I'm sorry?

103601:34:18,230 --> 01:34:22,130Four or five m

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