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For those of you who havent heard of r/NotTheOnion, its a subreddit where arti-cles are posted that on the surface seem to

be satire, but are actually real news head-lines. Below are some headlines that wedidnt write, since Upper Michigan Sourcehad to actually report them.

One of these headlines is fake. Can youguess which one?

Hancock ght; Man shot with arrowLocal residents often have drunken brawls

in the Winter months, since there isnt

much else to do, but rarely do they rein archery shoot outs. The man has bcharged with attempted murder, wis severe given he was probably tryinmake a Skyrim reference.

Police: Woman Hid 32 GramsMeth in Vagina32 grams of Meth certainly has someume. She probably trained for monthget to that level; and that kind of dedtion is respectable. That said, therereason why most people use their ass

NMU Student Becomes VictimIdentityTheft After Swiping Rig

Men will do anything for sex. The

Transcribed from the dictations of LeslieAnn Smith, junior correspondent, by herong-suffering and grossly underpaidecretary.

Classied Location, NevadaIts Val-ntines Day weekend, and Ive been givenhe privilege of having an exclusive inter-iew with Cinder Fall, leader of a highlyecretive band of invading Martians. Be-ng perpetually single, obviously I didnteally mind giving up my Valentines Day

weekend for my editor. Im not bitter. No,eally, Im not. Hed just better not make

me do it again, or Im going to take my lib-

ral arts degree-having ass off to a differ-nt publication and he can nd himself anew junior correspondent.

Many questions raced through my head

as I neared the top-secret compoundwhere Ms. Fall does her work. Whatwould the Martians look like? How wouldI be received? Would they let me take my

blindfold off? Fortunately, the ride inwhite 15-passenger van was merciswift, and I soon found myself in a c

TodayHigh: 39F Low: 35F

Looks like everythings melting.

TomorrowHigh: 38F Low: 27F

All this shits gonna freeze.

Friday, February 19, 2

The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under the age of 18 and should not be taken seriously...like Ted Cruz!

See Raelian on back

Vol. 67, N

r/NotTheBull

Above: Martans?

Blues, Jazz and Boogie Woogiepianist and singer Mr. BMarkBraunis widel y regarded as one ofthe finest living traditional blues pia-nists. Hes even played on GrammyNominated Blues Recording!

MR B. BOOGIE-WOOGIE

SCOTT ROBINSON, MIKE IRISH &

MIKE CHRISTIANSON!

ANDREAS KAPSALIS OF THE

AKGI GUITAR DUODont miss Andreas solo in thisshowJazz & Classical fingerstyleguitar! You wont believe your ears!

Northern Standard Time + two timesGrammy winning Jazz musician, ScottRobinson of NYC. Scott is a multi instru-mentalist: tenor+bass saxophone,theremin, tarogato, trumpet, & clarinet!

HU

eb 25

HU

eb 18

FRI

eb 19

n

theatertheatertheaterthe studio pizza

downtown hancock4825100

The

Daily Bull-ISH

Days left of Probation: 639

Aliens Pleased by Progress of

World Takeover Plan

Rory Straubel

Scape Goat

See Fake on back

Anna Hohnstadt

Staff Writer

7/24/2019 Daily Bull Vol67 No13.pdf

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One student found the $235.66 secret

to get a more transparent university!

Staff Writers: Shan Amarnani, NeilHawke,Anna Hohnstadt, Peter Jurica,

Nick Minarich, Jacob Noorman

2015 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically olate night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse

advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to bull@mtu.edu)

be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues u

specifically asked not to do so by the creator.

Advertising inquiries, questions & comments should be directed Bull@mtu.edu. Guest Submissions are welcomed and encourageGuest contributors may write under a pen name to remain anonymou

Editor-in-chief

Composition Editor

Treasurer

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Advisor

Symptom

Rory StraubelVincent PadgetAlex PiotrowskiJulia ScrutonSophia FarquharCarl BlairRico Bastian

Disclaimer: The Daily Bull is a satirical publication for entertainment purposes only. All storie

in the Daily Bull are works of fiction and any resemblance to real events or people are coinciden

ortable sitting room roughly ve storiesunderground, un-blindfolded and seatedomfortably close to a large pitcher of

wine and a glass.You are the journalist, I presume? A

all, dark-haired humanoid female smiledpleasantly at me from the shadows. Ms.Fall was exquisitely dressed in an A-Line/Princess Off-the-Shoulder Floor-LengthTulle Evening Dress with AppliqueLace (available from JJs House for U.S.$172.99) and a delicate ebony crown.

That would be me, maam, I repliednervously. The comely Martian leader was

bviously attempting to put me at ease,ut something about the ominously dark

ighting and Hitchcockian backgroundmusic was setting me on edge. Would

ou mind telling me a bit about your plansor world domination?

Of course not, my dear. At this point,

theres no way any of you pathetic humanscould stop me, Ms. Fall replied gracious-ly. Id love to ll you in. I settled down inmy chair and tossed back a glass of wine,eager to hear more. As youve probably already guessed,

we Martians have been inltrating yourhuman groups for years. Donald Trump,Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong-Un,David Cameron, most of the members of

Westboro Baptist Churchtheyre Mar-tians. Obviously we have many more oper-atives here on Earth, but given that yourean American, you probably havent heardof most of them, Ms. Fall said. I noddedfervently in agreement and downed an-other glass of wine. What were doing here is turning allof you people against each other. Demo-crats and Republicans, liberals and con-servatives, theists and atheiststhanks toour efforts, youre all well on your way to

hating each other so much that soonwont be able to cooperate with each oin the slightest. Then, well be able toover without so much as lifting a nDivide and conquer, as you say herEarth, Ms. Fall purred. Is there anything youd like to sathe people of the world, Ms. Fall? I asalready feeling woozy and forgetting mof my meticulously planned-out q

tions, thanks to the wine. Please tell them to keep watchingNews and believing all the news stothey read on reddit and tumblr.

would make me very happy, Ms.said with a smile. Will do, I muttered. Sabathroom After half an hour of vomiting, I wacorted out of the fortress and back tohotel. So there you go, people. Your fuMartian leader wants you to watchNews. Make her happy.

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added to our email list, and youll have premium access to every issue free of charge. Enjoy the Daily B

rom the comfort of your own room on those days when you just cant be bothered to go to class.

dents credit card information was stafter he chatted up a girl on Tindershe offered her services. His card has s

been canceled, but I doubt he will shoin classes for a while.

PETA Cancels Greased Pigs on Protest After Discovering No PInvolvedUnlikely PETA, having no pigs invo

actually makes me more interested inevent. Sadly it was just a man dressea pig costume, being chased by kids oskates, -AP. Even still, it sounds liperverts ploy to get children to chasearound.

wer:Thethirdoneisfake,though

emsplausibleandlikeagoodarticleMaybeIshouldhavewrittenthatin- dofthisshit.

From Fake on front

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