Crucial Conversations

Adapted from Crucial Conversations Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron Mcmillan, and Al SwitzlerMcGraw-Hill Companies, New York, 2002.ISBN 0-07-140194-6

CEU code 05109wb .1 CEU

Your Moderator Today is Karen TobiasVP of Professional Development

NMA Headquarters2210 Arbor Blvd.Dayton, OH 45439937-294-0421E-mail: karen@nma1.org

Objectives for Crucial Conversations

Discover how to communicate best when it matters the most

Manage your communication “style” under stress

Make it safe to talk about anything

Fill the Pool of Shared Meaning Turn conversations into

actions and results you want

Tools for talkingWhen the stakes are high…

At work Boss – Performance reviews Co-workers - Conflicts on how to… Customers – Angry

At home Family – Children, Parents, S______ Friends – ____________ Neighbors – ____________

Behavior Choices

We Can Fight“Violence” Attack Label Control

We Can Flee“Silence” Withdrawn Avoid Mask

“Conversation Killers”

Chapter 4, Learn to Look, pp. 52-54.

Behavior Choices

Fight Camp

Flight Camp

The Dialogue ModelSilence

Violence

ControllingLabelingAttacking

Safety

WithdrawingAvoidingMasking

Dialogue

“Conversation Killers”

What is happening to you… Feel fear Question their

motives Feel you aren’t

respected Feel threaten

What should be happening to you… Feel safe Trust their

motives Respect the

person Understand

their meaning

Start with your own heart

The only person you can change is yourself…start there.

Focus on What You Really Want Pay attention to your motives. Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me

about what my motives are?” Then, clarify what you really want. Ask

yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”

And finally ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”

Chapter 4 , Learn to Look, p. 63.

Learn to Look

Learn to Look at content and conditions Look for when things become crucial Learn to watch for safety problems Look to see if others are moving toward

silence or violence Look for outbreaks of your Style Under

Stress

Chapter 4, Learn to Look, p. 63.

Refuse the Sucker’s Choice As you consider what you want, notice

when you start talking yourself into a Sucker’s Choice. Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must

choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.

Break free of these Sucker’s Choices by searching for the and.

Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Chapter 3, Start with Heart, p. 43.

Make it Safe

“…Step out of the conversation, build safety, and then find a way to dialogue…”Decide which condition of Safety is at risk Mutual Purpose

Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?

Mutual Respect Do others believe you respect them?

Chapter 5, Make It Safe, p. 91.

Make It Safe

Apologize when appropriate.

Contrast to fix misunderstandings When others misunderstand either your purpose

or intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then

explain what you do intend or mean.

Chapter 5, Make It Safe, p. 92.

Make It Safe

CRIB to Get to Mutual PurposeWhen you are at cross-purposes, use

four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose:

Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Invent a Mutual Purpose. Brainstorm new strategies.

Chapter 5, Make It Safe, p. 92.

Resources

Crucial Conversations Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

McGraw-Hill Companies, New York, 2002.ISBN 0-07-140194-6

Http://www.crucialconversations.com