Positive ParentingPresented by Joan Young, M.A.

( formerly Joan Mancini)MJC Foster/Kinship Care Education

ProgramNovember 7, 2009

Ground Rules

• In order to help each other get the most out of today, please understand that we must keep the discussions here private, safe and respectful.

• Sensitive topics require empathy and active listening.

• Please speak up when you share and do your best to respect others.

Humor is a Good Way to Begin!

A little more humor…

Introductions

• On the sticky note on your table, please write a question that you would like addressed today.

• Place your sticky note on the board up front.• Introduce yourself to at least one new person

and talk about one of your goals for today.

Quiz

• What’s your Parenting Style?• The goal of this quiz is to help us better

understand our own style of parenting and see if it works well with the challenges we face as foster/adoptive/kinship caregivers.

We will share our answers( to our comfort level) and discuss any discrepancies.

What is Discipline? Not this!

Defining Discipline

• In pairs, take a moment to come up with a definition for discipline.

• Next, write a definition for punishment.

Review differences between discipline and punishment

• See Handout for differences• Main ideas of Discipline:• Shows kids what they have done wrong• Shows them how they are responsible

for their actions• Teaches them how to solve the

problems they have created• Leaves their dignity intact

Main points about punishment

• Is adult oriented• Requires judgement• Imposes power from without• Arouses anger and resentment• Invites conflict

The approach we choose….

Must convey a belief that the child can make a positive choice and learn from his mistakes

• Must teach the child the desired behavior• Must look at the reason for the misbehavior

to help us determine the best approach or strategy.

We must examine our current practices, let go of “the way it was when we were kids” and find effective techniques to get the results we want!

Time to examine what’s working and what’s not!

But first…

Before we can change a behavior it helps to look at potential causes:• Child is tired or hungry• Attention• Power• Revenge/Anger• Display of Inadequacy• Fear• Depression• Loyalty to other family members

Once we have an idea of the cause, we can look at some positive strategies

• Take out the handout: Positive Discipline Might Include:

Match these reasons with strategies

• Child is tired or hungry• Attention• Power• Revenge/Anger• Display of Inadequacy• Fear• Depression• Loyalty to other family members

Discuss your results with a partner

• Do you have any strategies to add to our list?• Can you think of a recent scenario

when you assessed the cause of the misbehavior accurately and used a positive strategy that worked?• What about the opposite situation?

Constructively Dealing with Anger

• See handout from Dr. Michele Borba• Strategies to deal with one of the most

challenging precipitators of misbehavior• Which have you tried?• Which might actually work for you?• When was the last time a child in your care

acted out due to anger?

Responsibility can inspire positive behavior

• Responsibility builds self esteem

• How can you increase your child’s responsibility?

• Even simple responsibilities in the household can positively impact self efficacy

Make sure your partner is consistent with you

• According to Michele Borba, EdD, it is critical for parents to reduce conflicts over parenting and show a united front….

Don’t fight over Parenting!• Here are my eight reasons to curb the bickering over the kids:• 1. Inconsistency. When kids receive conflicting information, whether it is

instructions from parents, expectations, or disciplinary measures, it confuses them and creates a situation that makes it impossible for them to learn what the rules are.

• Michele Borba is an educational psychologist and author of 22 parenting books. Her latest book is The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. For more information visit her website, Michele Borba or follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.

• 2. Your kids will lose their confidence…in you. Parents are the main source of stability for kids, and when that stability is threatened it can have disastrous effects. Not only will inconsistency make it harder to discipline your child, it can also make it much harder for parents to soothe a child who is upset or worried. If children can’t trust in the stability that their parents should provide, it can really rock their worlds, and yours.

• It leaves you susceptible to trend-based parenting. Nobody likes conflict, especially when it’s with your parenting partner. So it’s no surprise that many parents who disagree are looking for fast solutions. Not only do they want to help their kids-they want to stop fighting with their spouses, too! In turn, they’ll be more willing to accept trend-based parenting: quick and simple fixes to their kids’ problems. The trouble is that these solutions are rarely (if ever) effective, and they only temporarily solve the issues at hand.

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• 4. It zaps what little energy you have left. You know how much energy it takes to raise children-not to mention running a household and holding down a job at the same time. When parenting arguments ensue, the fighting quickly drains what little energy you have left at the end of each day. This continued conflict depletes the parental energy source so that very little, if anything at all, gets accomplished.

• 5. It makes you feel powerless. Parents who feel unsupported by their spouse or co-parent can often experience a dramatic sense of hopelessness and powerlessness. Not only do they feel incapable of solving problems with their children, they are also lacking the support of their parenting partner, which Borba says can lead to many parents feeling too overwhelmed to move forward with finding solutions.

• 6. It leads to harmful alliances between parent and child.When you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye, particularly over an issue like an extended curfew or getting an allowance, it can be a natural tendency for one parent to ally him or herself with the child, instead of with his or her parenting partner. Don’t do it. Building an alliance with your child is a common, yet dangerous parenting mistake. Doing so undermines the authority of the ‘opposing’ parent and sets up a dynamic that encourages the kids to play you and your spouse against one another.

• 7. When parents disagree about their children, it creates another marital conflict that has to be overcome. Worse, arguing about your kids is sure to be more emotionally charged than your average marital bickering. Borba explains that when a couple can’t compromise and problem-solve in an effective way, it can put a heavy strain on their marriage-a ramification that’s unhealthy for every member of the family.

• 8. You’re more likely to get outsiders involved (which might only make the problems worse!). Whether parents are turning to their own parents, friends, or co-workers for advice, be wary of bringing in a third wheel. People have a natural tendency to turn to those whom they know will be their allies, and will assure them that their stance is right.

Discipline and its relation to Self esteem

• Discipline is to “teach”

• A healthy self concept is key to a child who can be self disciplined

• It is a challenge to make sure that your discipline strategies help build and not break down a child

Let’s practice and apply what we have discussed…

• Case study: Dave• Look at Dave’s behaviors and possible causes• Brainstorm with a partner possible strategies

and goals broken into small measurable steps toward success.

Keep up The Great Work!

• Celebrate the small successes!• Model that “working hard”• is most important, not achieving perfection!• Give praise for effort and hard work and help

kids understand that success takes time

• Thanks so much for coming!

Feel Free to Contact Me!

• Email me at joanmancini@yahoo.com