couples guide to crafting an amazing new year 2015guide...the couples’ guide to crafting an...

T H E CO U P L E S ’ G U I D E TO C RA F T I N G

A N A M A Z I N G N E W Y E A R

by Michele Lisenbury Christensen

Master Coach since 1997, founder of hotloverevolution.com

206.696.1460 14419 Greenwood Ave. N Ste A #201 Seattle, WA 98133 www.hotloverevolution.com p. 1

2015 Edition

http://www.hotloverevolution.com


Hi you two!Congratulations! By choosing to give yourselves – individually and as a couple - the space and support to design 2015 goals that really work for you, you have made a giant leap toward the best year of your career, life, and relationship.

This year is going to be amazing!

About this workbook:

• This workbook is based on the process I use myself each year, along with my husband Kurt, to review our prior year and explore the coming year.

• It’s designed to be used as the only yearly planning process for the “low desire (for planning) partner” (in our case, Kurt) or for both of you or as phase II of an intensive planning process for the planning geek or “high desire (for planning) partner” (yep, you guessed it! That’s ME in our relationship).

• That is to say, the process here can either stand alone or can be a deepening of the process one or both of you starts solo with my other workbook, “Your Guide to Crafting an Amazing New Year.”

• Here’s the thing to know, either way: I’ve included more exercises than would even make sense to use… so don’t get bogged down, and don’t feel like you have to “do all your homework” to make the most of this process.

That said, please do set aside at least 30 minutes (or up to 3 hours) on your own to review your 2014 results and experiences and to start to plan for 2015, and then another 1-3 hours in partnership, to use your pick of the tools here.

As an example, this year, we did a simpler process with some new tools, and I’ve included those exercises here too, as an update to last year’s guide.




It’s up to y’all how you do it. Have a question, though? I’m here, at [email protected] or on twitter @lisenbury… just shout!

The goal process you’re about to begin will be fun and likely a bit provocative for you both, and will guide and support you to create a year that deepens your love and your contribution to the world and each other.

I’m so excited to hear what you create and what the process brings up for you.

Let me know, okay?

Love love,


mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]



COUPLES’ REVIEW OF 2014

Write your names in the columns below. Then Identify the greatest victories, disappointments, blessings, losses, challenges and opportunities each of you experienced in of 2014. It helps us to go chronologically, so I’ve given you 6 boxes, but you may choose to look at different areas of life in different boxes (for instance health, love, spirituality, family, career, finances, community or contribution, self, adventure, travel, home, etc.)

Months or Area

Victories, Blessings, Opportunities for (partner a): ___________________________

Disappointments, Losses, Challenges for (partner a): ___________________________

Victories, Blessings, Opportunities for (partner b): ___________________________

Disappointments, Losses, Challenges for (partner b): ___________________________




COUPLES’ REVIEW OF 2014 continued

The Themes This Year: Now, review what you each wrote on the chart on the previous page and look for themes that might emerge in each column and between the columns. What do you notice? Ask this question about your own year, your partner’s year, and the intersection between the two.

(Partner A) My themes:

(Partner A) Themes I see in your year:

(Partner B) My themes:

(Partner B) Themes I see in your year:

(both) Themes we see in our year:




2014 CELEBRATION LETTER - From Partner A to Partner B

As I look back at 2014, I want to acknowledge you for:

Something I see differently now, looking back at 2014, than I saw it at the time is….

As I look back on 2014, I want to thank you for:

I really celebrate that this year we:

As I look back at 2014, I want to make room to be closer to you by releasing my resentment over:

Today, I love…




2014 CELEBRATION LETTER - From Partner B to Partner A

As I look back at 2014, I want to acknowledge you for:

Something I see differently now, looking back at 2014, than I saw it at the time is….

As I look back on 2014, I want to thank you for:

I really celebrate that this year we:

As I look back at 2014, I want to make room to be closer to you by releasing my resentment over:

Today, I love…




2014 GRATITUDE INVENTORYThis one is fantastic to do with the whole family. This year, we included our 5 year old, who had a lot of sweet and surprising contributions to the list. And we included our 22 month old by asking, “Who’s grateful for our house?” or “Who’s grateful for Baboo and Papa’s good health?” Then we’d all - including the tiny girl - cry “Meeee!” and shoot our hands up in the air in celebration.

We’re grateful that in 2014....




2015 DESIRE LISTThis one is fantastic to do with the whole family. This year, we included our 5 year old, who had a lot of sweet and surprising contributions to the list. And we included our 22 month old by asking, “Who’s grateful for our house?” or “Who’s grateful for Baboo and Papa’s good health?” Then we’d all - including the tiny girl - cry “Meeee!” and shoot our hands up in the air in celebration.




2015 DESIRE LISTHere’s where you create a list of all your intentions, desires, and dreams for 2015. Ours includes everything from trips we’ve already bought tickets for, to dreams we have for landscaping upgrades, to our desire to host more multi-generation soup nights and seasonal celebrations.

If you wish: you can turn this into what we call a Treasure Map. We write “Thank you God for...” at the top (by all means, use whatever terms resonate with you). Then at the bottom, we write “may this - or something better - come about in perfect timing, for the highest and best good of all concerned. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Use whatever language feels powerful, intentional, and non-grasping to you.

Our desire list includes....




2014 LIGHT & DARK INVENTORY - From Partner A to Partner BThis helps you articulate, recap, and release the brightest and darkest of your relationship over the past year.

My best moment with you this year was:

My hardest moment with you this year was:

My actions and/or ways of being that helped our relationship and shared life this year:

My actions and/or ways of being that detracted from our relationship and shared life this year:

The actions and/or ways of being from the past year that I would love for you to continue in the coming year:

This coming year, the one change you could make that would contribute most to our relationship would be:

This coming year, if you agree it would make a meaningful contribution to our relationship, I will focus on:




2014 LIGHT & DARK INVENTORY - From Partner B to Partner AThis helps you articulate, recap, and release the brightest and darkest of your relationship over the past year.

My best moment with you this year was:

My hardest moment with you this year was:

My actions and/or ways of being that helped our relationship and shared life this year:

My actions and/or ways of being that detracted from our relationship and shared life this year:

The actions and/or ways of being from the past year that I would love for you to continue in the coming year:

This coming year, the one change you could make that would contribute most to our relationship would be:

This coming year, if you agree it would make a meaningful contribution to our relationship, I will focus on:




ANNUAL VALUES REVIEW

As a couple, your shared values form the foundation for the life you build together. And often, the places where your deeply-held personal values don’t overlap with precision are the places where you struggle, fight, or reach a stalemate. A common examples: one partner values security more highly while the other partner values adventure or leisure more. See how that affects money choices? Time choices?

SHARED VALUES:

Brainstorm here about your shared values. What matters deeply to you both?

EXPRESSING SHARED VALUES:How does your life together already express your top values?

What new venture or deepened emphasis in the new year would most help you more fully express one (or more) of your top values?




DIFFERENCES IN VALUES: This might be a passion for a particular sport, a devotion to volunteering for a cause. Supporting one another on our deeply held values (not our every passing fancy, but the things that matter to us, even if they don’t matter to our partner) is one of the richest ways to express love and solidarity. In 2012, for instance, Kurt climbed up Mt. Rainier over Labor Day and I supported his investment of time, money, and energy into training and going, even though in my perfect world, we’d do something as a family that weekend. And when I turned 40 in 2013, I wanted to plan weekend in Sonoma with girlfriends. Kurt obviously didn’t get as much out of this as I did (as fun as solo parenting was for him!), but jumped on board with the commitment because it mattered to me. In 2015, our desires involve retreats with friends for me and abundant fishing time for Kurt, plus a photo safari to see Kodiak Brown bears in Alaska.

As you reflect on shared values, in what areas does one of you value something more highly than the other?

In the coming year, what can you do to fairly honor these value gaps?

A. To honor a key value of (partner’s name) ______________’s, (write the value here): _______________________, he/she/we will….

_________________ (other partner’s name) will support this, although s/he doesn’t share that value at the same level.

S/he will demonstrate support by:

B. To honor a key value of (partner’s name) ______________’s, (write the value here): _______________________, he/she/we will….

_________________ (other partner’s name) will support this, although s/he doesn’t share that value at the same level.

S/he will demonstrate support by:




Relationship Deepening AspirationsThis year, you can make your relationship as much an area of evolution and growth as you may be more accustomed to making your career or your finances or your fitness or athletic pursuits.

The following list is intended as neither a list of shoulds nor an exhaustive resource of all the ways you could deepen your love. It’s just to prompt you to play with your own “love goals.” Do you two need a goal to help....

• Secure your future financially?• Reduce stress for one or both of you?• Smooth out your logistics?• Establish a rhythm of going on meaningful dates that make you feel closer?• You travel or get “staycation” or relaxation together?• One or both of you feel more supported, seen, or appreciated?• One or both of you feel more cherished, adored, desired, or prized?• Make your home more comfortable, safe, and sacred?• Your family contribute more in your community or feel more connected?• Create amazing memories or events, with just you or with a larger group?• Express your shared values (or clarify them, as guided above)?• Have better sex & adapt to the life chapter and physical chapter you’re in?• Take good care of your physical and mental health?• Create healthy, meaningful connections and times with extended family?• See yourself through your partner’s eyes?• Initiate conversations more softly or clean up missteps better or pause when one of you gets emotionally overloaded?• Create mystery, surprise, and newness together and for one another?

So many yummy goals have come out of these prompts... On the next page, list some brainstorms for your own goals (and then star or circle the ones you’ll actually take on).




Our Relationship Deepening Aspiration Brainstorms(from prompts on previous page)

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5-Year Goals – Working BackwardWhere do you want to be 5 years from now? In the chart below, jot a brief description of goals for each area, starting in year 5. In the first row, you can add notes, like “Amy graduates” or “I turn 40” or “Dad’s prognosis.” Once you fill in each row for year 5, work your way back through years 4, 3, 2, and 1, with incremental goals that could get you where you want to be in 5 years. This may be challenging… notice why and we’ll talk about it.


Area 2019 – Year 5 2018 – Year 2 2017 – Year 3 2016– Year 2 2015 – Year 1

Milestones/Transitions anticipated this year

Health/Vitality

Friendship with one another

Sex and intimacy

Spirituality/Growth

Children and/or Family

Home

Cont’d next page…



5-Year Goals – Working Backward, continued...Area 2019 – Year 5 2018 – Year 2 2017 – Year 3 2016– Year 2 2015 – Year 1

Extended Family

Friends/Community

Hobbies, Leisure, and Relaxation

Career(s)

Finances

Travel/Adventure

Contribution/Volunteering/Philanthropy

Investment/Future

Also:




5 Year Goal exercise challenges:

Many people struggle to think 5 years ahead; others struggle with the shorter term. Myriad different challenges come up; it’s like a Rohrshach ink-blot test ☺ So tell me: what were your challenges (if any)?

5 Year Goal exercise gains:

What did you gain from the 5 Year Goals exercise?




2015 Fixed Objects: What do you already foresee in 2015, either because it’s happening or because you’ve already committed to or planned for it? These events might relate to family, work rhythms, holidays and traditions, or pre-planned travel. List them here:

January 2015:

February 2015:

March 2015:

April 2015:

May 2015:

June 2015:

July 2015:

August 2015:

September 2015:

October 2015:

November 2015:

December 2015:




2015 Focus:Looking back over your 5-year goals and your 2015 fixed objects (which probably overlap somewhat), there’s a lot to do, yeah? So let’s narrow it a bit: where will the two of you place your main focus in 2015?

Kurt and I find it helps to break our focus down to quarters (3 months) or trimesters (4 months). It’s different each year, depending on what’s going on and what the natural ‘break points’ are. For example, we knew our life would cleave neatly on or about February 24, 2012, our daughter’s due date (in reality, it was February 25). Before Mira, after Mira. So Jan/Feb was one of our chunks.

In your life, maybe a big trip or a family member leaving the house (or moving in with you) can make a natural transition. So work with those, and give yourself plenty of room for the fixed objects you already know are taking space in your life. If one of you is in graduate school, your other goals will scale back accordingly. If you’re moving this year, make room for that transition. Give it “goal status.”

Want more guidance on setting your top goals and asking powerful questions about them? Refer to “Your Guide to Crafting an Amazing New Year” where I go into more depth on this.

For now, let’s just create a trimester or quarterly focus plan. In column 1, define your periods by date (e.g. Jan/Feb/Mar or Jan/Feb/Mar/April. Then identify your focus areas and smaller goals for each period.

Periods Focus 1: _____________ Focus 2: _____________ Focus 3: _____________ Smaller Goals

Period 1:

Period 2:

Period 3:

Period 4:




2015 Monthly Goal PlanNow, however you broke down your periods in the year, take your focus even more granular. In the box for each month, commit to actions for that month. Sometimes we do this for just a month or 3 at a time, if it seems unproductive to map out the whole year, given the nature of the goal. The fourth empty column is for other minor goals, desires, or milestones you’d like to include in your plan.

Month Focus 1: _____________ Focus 2: ____________ Focus 3: ______________ Smaller Goals

January

February

March

April

May

June

July




2015 Monthly Goals ContinuedAugust

September

October

November

December




Divide and ConquerA big part of your success will come from seeing one another’s brilliance and… frankly, getting out of the way! We’re often initially attracted to qualities that later irritate us and we stop ourselves from adoring and encouraging the best in our partners as a result. So let’s nail this down and really put these qualities in the powerful setting they deserve. List below your complementary (gasp: different!) gifts that will support your goals. Come back to this list to remember the goodness in each of you when the shadow of these strengths gets frustrating. ‘Cause it will, right?

Partner A (name: ____________) is great at…. While Partner B (name: ______________)’s strengths are:

1. 1.

2. 2.

3. 3.

4. 4.

5. 5.

Between the two of us, we’re UNSTOPPABLE!




Making Space for UsParticularly for couples with children, but absolutely for everyone with big lives, making room for the “white space” where intimacy and joy thrive is challenging. How will you build a moat around the castle of your relationship (and these goals) this year? Scheduling regular biweekly sitter or a sleepover with a family member for your kids? Declaring Tuesday nights “us night?” Committing to putting away all phones and computers by a certain hour? Learning the couples’ sensual practice and giving it 15 minutes 4 days a week? Takes discipline and determination. Pays crazy-ass dividends. What will you do?

Circle of Support:Honestly, it’s tough for me and Kurt to find many couples who have what we want, who we’d want to emulate. But we piece together the mentorship, support, and role modeling we need, and you can too. As a couple, this year, who will be your role models, mentors, and fan club as you enrich your relationship and your lives? You don’t have to know all these people personally… They don’t even have to be alive at this time! Just, if you could have ANYONE on your side as you do this, who would you invite? Now you’re inviting them!




Thank you for your tenacity, courage, and love as you have engaged with these exercises. It is my great privilege to be a part of your journey. I look forward to hearing about how productive, fun, and abundant your 2015 is. Please be in touch via @lisenbury on twitter or [email protected].

If there’s a time when you feel that my partnership would help smooth your path to the relationship and lives you most desire, you just let me know. No matter how much fun or how little fun your situation is right now, I relish the opportunity to bring my joy and skill set to the table. We’ll find the peace, fun, and love. Promise.

And if, in particular, you want additional help with crafting your new year, for a limited time I’m offering one-time New Year Crafting Sessions for couples or individuals. Click here to learn more or book.

Love love,

Michele Lisenbury Christensenwww.hotloverevolution.com


http://hotloverevolution.com/relationship-coaching-services/newyearprocess/

http://hotloverevolution.com/relationship-coaching-services/newyearprocess/





ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I’m Michele Lisenbury Christensen: Luscious laugh-spreader.

Surfer of the shadow side. Irreverent sherpa on the path of the everyday sacred.

Libido whisperer. Permission to loan as you find your own.

I’m on a mission to transform the way we relate in intimate relationships (and beyond). After working with ten therapists hadn’t gotten my husband and me to the relationship we wanted, we found our own way to turn our

relationship back on, and now I’ve helped hundreds of other couples do the same.

With my Masters’ Degree in Psychology, my long track record of successful self-employment, and my enlivening take on intimacy and feminine desire, self-employed women seek me as a mentor for both their business and their love life. The synergies and reflections between the two areas are astonishing and enriching.

My website at http://michele.is is home to my coaching and training programs and lots of powerful free tools as well. I look forward to having you as part of the community.


http://michele.is

http://michele.is



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