Emily’s Bad Day

A choose your own adventure guide to Cooperative Discipline

Written By: Adam Authier

Meet EmilyThis is Emily. She is the

middle child in a family with three children. She is four years old and is a sweetie. Sometimes, however, she can be very particular.

Next --->

Today, Emily woke up in a silly mood. She was making faces during breakfast while her brothers were trying to eat. She is obviously seeking attention. Her behavior is not malicious, but it is irritating. Which intervention strategy would you like to try?

Refuse to respond

Give “The Eye”

Name Drop

Use an I-Message

“Grandma’s Law”

Good idea. However, refusing to respond to Emily, only reinforces this kind of behavior for her brothers. Do you want them making faces too? You’d better pick another strategy.

Give “The Eye”

Name Drop

Use an I-Message

“Grandma’s Law”

Nice try. Unfortunately, Emily now thinks you are making facing too. When you give her “The Eye” - she gives it right back. Try again.

Refuse to Respond

Name Drop

Use an I-Message

“Grandma’s Law”

Good choice. This intervention strategy has given Emily the attention she needs without further distracting or irritating her brothers. However the day is not over yet.

Click the arrow to continue.

After breakfast, Emily wants to play with her doll for a while. Sadly, she has yet to pick up her blocks from yesterday. She can’t have her doll until she picks them up, which she is refusing to do, and it’s making you angry. Why?

She is seeking power

She is seeking revenge

She is avoiding failure

Since you were angered by Emily’s actions, she is obviously not avoiding failure. Your attempt to intervene by modifying your instructional practices and providing tutoring on the subject have failed. So, what do you think?

She is seeking power

She is seeking revenge

You correctly gauged your anger and thought Emily may be seeking power. However, when you attempted to intervene the behavior intensified. She dumped out the rest of her blocks and knocked over her dollhouse. Now what?

She is seeking revenge OR She is avoiding failure

Emily is seeking revenge. If you’re going to waste her play time, she is going to take as long as she can to clean up because she knows the Tigers game you wanted to watch is starting soon.

Unfortunately, her behavior will only stop on her own terms. Since she’s made it through the rumbling and eruption stages, the only thing left to do is resolve it. Explain to her the consequences of her actions and let her cool off.

Next --->

Correct!

After lunch, you ask Emily to work on her letters and numbers. She is excited about starting pre-school next year, and you want to make sure she knows her stuff when she gets there. You leave her at the table, but return to find she hasn’t done much. She pretends to work and asks for your help, but hasn’t written anything yet. Why?

She is seeking attention

She is seeking power/revenge

She is avoiding failure

If you believe that Emily was seeking power or revenge, it must mean that her actions made you angry or hurt. If her actions are met with your anger in this situation, the situation may escalate for no reason. Take a deep breath and try again.

She is seeking attention

She is avoiding failure

Emily definitely appears to want your attention. However, she has now pretended to fall asleep at the table so you will leave her alone. There is something bigger at work here. What is it?

She is seeking power/revenge

She is avoiding failure

Good job. Your concern for your daughter’s perceived lack of understanding has led you to the correct conclusion - she is avoiding failure. By focusing on her past successes and making mistakes okay, she will climbing the academic ladder in no time.

Click the arrow to continue

It’s finally Emily’s bed time. Before she can go to bed, Emily insists on finding the best pajamas, a suitable stuffed animal, and finding the Hannah Montana CD she likes to listen to. This process takes almost an hour. She be sleeping and you’re getting frustrated. What is she doing?

She is seeking power She is avoiding failure

She is seeking revenge She is seeking attention

Emily is not seeking your attention. She doesn’t even care if you’re in the room while she looks through her dresser and searches for her stuffed animal. Besides, you’re not annoyed by what she’s doing, you’re becoming increasingly angry and frustrated.

She’s seeking revenge

She’s seeking power

She’s avoiding failure

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

How do you fail at sleeping? Do you really have professional concern that Emily doesn’t know how to sleep? C’mon.

She is seeking power

She is seeking revenge

She is seeking attention

You’re angry and Emily’s behavior does not seem like it’s going to stop just because you say so, but she is not seeking revenge. The situation has not reached an “eruption” stage. She is not lashing out, she’s simply stalling.

She is seeking attention

She is seeking power

She is avoiding failure

Good job. Emily is seeking power. Only she decides when she goes to bed and she’s not tired. You can’t make her go to bed. Although at first you labeled her as “slow” and a “poor listener”, you have convinced her to go to sleep using the following interventions.

Focusing on the behavior

Taking charge of your negative emotions

Avoiding escalation

Saving the discussion for later

Allowing her to save face

CongratulationsYou have made it through

Emily’s bad day. By paying attention to your Emotional Pressure Gauge, correctly diagnosing the goals of Emily’s behavior, and using appropriate interventions, you have hopefully helped Emily learn how to more effectively communicate with you in the future. Tomorrow’s a new day!