Congregations as Emotional Systems

“By far most of the difficulties leaders experience is in relationships.” “If they learn to ‘think systems’

leaders don’t need typical classes or books on how to be a good leader. Family systems theory points the way, and if they take it seriously, applying it in their lives, they automatically become better and better leaders, on a continuing basis, the rest of

their lives.” Roberta Gilbert Extraordinary Leadership page 5

“This is not saying that applying the ideas is easy. The human changes only slowly and with much

kicking and screaming. That is why it takes time, effort, teaching, reading, & coaching.” “Learn

theory, learn theory, learn theory – if you learn theory you can use it. If you don’t you can’t.”

(Gilbert page 5)

Individual Model/Thinking:

• There is little sense of people’s interconnectedness or of how one’s own behavior can affect that of others. People are seen as acting on their own as if they were in vacuum. • We see particular individuals as “the

problem.”• We never include ourselves when

thinking of “the problem.”• The problem is out there not in here.

• We blame others, diagnose, and question motives and intentions.• We personalize everything – we take

things personally and we make things personal.• It’s this focus on others as problem

people that is the real problem

Systems Model/Thinking:

• We recognize the connections between people.• No one lives or acts in isolation.• We are all affected by each other’s behavior.

It is an emotional system.• Each person both influences and is

influenced by everyone else. • “Every change – changes everything.”

• “The past is always present.”• Each of us lives in multiple systems. (family,

work, church, community, denomination, etc.)

The emotional system is one of the most powerful forces in any church or in any group of human beings. The health of the emotional system

determines how well the other systems work.

It is essential that leaders in a church be aware of how the emotional system

operates in their own congregation. They need to be aware of the part they play in the emotional system and how they can

become a more constructive force for improving the emotional life of the church.

What does it mean to say the congregation/family is an emotional

unit?

• Whatever affects one affects each one in the systems. That is, anxiety moves easily form person to person in a group.

• Family members trade “self” into the family relationship togetherness in a family “fusion” of selves. (The Eight Concepts – Gilbert – page 6)

Most leadership difficulties come about as a result of the way the leader interacts with others.”

(Gilbert p. 174)

“Pastors have been ill prepared for their encounter with the emotional side of the congregation.” (Gilbert

p. 178)

There will always be times of imbalance in the church’s emotional system, times when there are

conflicts and problems in the church that challenge the leadership.

When the emotional system becomes unbalanced, the response of leaders is crucial to how things

turn out in the end. If the leaders think in individualistic terms rather than in systems terms,

they are likely to respond to attacks as though they personally were being attacked, rather than seeing

the attack as part of an imbalance in the system.

1. Take responsibility for yourself.

2. Be thoughtful and rational in the midst of anxiety. Think rather than react

emotionally. When our anxiety rises we quit thinking and then make poor decisions.

3. Become a calm observer of the system and what is actually going on. “Observation requires

stepping outside of our own subjective responses to what we ‘feel’ is happening, and learning to watch what is actually going on: who is doing

what, when, where, and how. Many of us spend a good deal of our time living in a kind of fantasy

about what is going on around us. We observe a few things that happen ‘out there’, fail to see or even ignore other things, and create a story for

ourselves explaining what it is all about.

The individual model of human behavior leads us to speculate about other people’s

motives.We are focused on how things impact us

and whether we feel good or bad. Then we react to what we imagine they are doing to

us and then they react to us in the same way.

We tend to personalize other people’s behaviors. We think the behavior is about

us. We get stuck in believing that it’s always about us.

We must also learn to become good observers of ourselves. What is going on in

me and how am I behaving?

4. Learn to manage yourself. Become self-regulated. Manage your own anxiety

and reactivity.

5. One way to become healthier is to go back to your family of origin.

Anxiety!

Anxiety is what unbalances the system.

Chronic anxiety is any sense of threat we have that is perceived, imagined or interpreted. Our anxiety is below the surface and so normally we

are unaware of it. Over time we develop a heightened sensitivity to potential threat. We are threatened by the behavior and actions of others. There is a threat to the loss of self - of

who we are – our individuality. There is the threat of being dominated – being taken

advantage of – of being hurt, or rejected, or overlooked – not appreciated or not included.

We become more concerned with how other people are behaving toward us than we do with how we are behaving toward

them. We question motives – we blame – we criticize. We get consumed with anger

and resentment

We develop typical ways of dealing with our anxiety and we use our preferred methods

consistently. As a result, we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Though we feel

“safer” in the short term, long term we develop less than ideal relationships, we lose intimacy, and

we lose opportunities for leadership and advancement. Ultimately our patterns of chronic anxiety set our default future. Unless something

changes we will end our lives with the same issues that we have now.

“The job of effective church leaders is to help keep down the level of anxiety in the

emotional system of the congregation.”Creating a Healthier Church – (page 51)

Ronald Richardson

1. Manage your own anxiety. Bring your own calmness to the situation.

2. Stay in meaningful contact with other key people involved in the situation.

Stay calm & stay connected.

Typical Ways People Deal With Anxiety

Self-Differentiation

Self-Differentiation deals with the effort to define oneself, to control oneself, to become a more responsible person, and to permit others to be themselves as well. Differentiation is the ability to remain connected in relationship to

significant people in our lives and yet not have our reactions and behavior determined by them.

We are connected but emotionally separate.

There is a difference between telling people what I think and telling them what they should think. Defining self means that we consistently and calmly tell others what we think, believe, and value without demanding that they think,

believe, or value the same things.

“One simple way of defining differentiation is as an ability to be closely connected with just

about anyone we choose and still be a self, still maintain a sense of one’s own functional

autonomy within the close relationship. It is the ability to be close to an emotionally important

other while neither being dependent on gaining the other’s acceptance and approval nor fearing the other’s disapproval, rejection, or criticism of

how we are.

It is also being comfortable with the differences in the other person, particularly in times of

higher anxiety, and not letting those differences cause emotional distance on our part. It means

not needing to change the other to meet our expectations, or change ourselves to meet the

other’s, in order to be close.” Ronald Richardson Becoming a Healthier Pastor page 56

• Most people remain at the level of differentiation attained by the time they left home.

• We are likely to marry a person whose degree of emotional maturity matches our own.

• Take responsibility for yourself. The only person you can change is you

Two Basic Life Forces

Togetherness

Individuality

“An essential part of connectedness, is individuality.”

Richardson page 61

Jesus – Luke 2:41-51

As anxiety rises in our lives there is greater pressure for togetherness.

We are pressured to fit in and be the same as everyone else in the group.

“During times of higher anxiety, the less mature people in the church seek to

promote sameness and conformity as the way to achieve unity and togetherness in

the community.”Creating a Healthier Church Ronald Richardson page 63

“More mature individuals who have a stronger sense of their own self or their

individuality, experience mature togetherness as attraction to, interest in, and

curiosity about others, especially about getting to know others’ differences. In this form of unity, there is greater comfort with

diversity, variety, and uniqueness.”Creating a Healthier ChurchRonald Richardson page 63

Two Extremes in Behavior

One Extreme: Pressure to conform in order to stay together: I give up some of myself in order to keep the peace. I discount my own feelings and beliefs, I give in too easily, & I give up leadership and ultimately choose peace over progress. I’m emotionally needy and demanding

A Second Extreme: In order to feel secure and maintain my individuality – I demand compliance, I bully. I’m willing to give up community in order to get my way. Disagreement is seen as disloyalty. I end up arguing and debating.

Fusion

Individuality

Self-Defined• Clear self-boundaries. – This is who I am – this

is where I stand – this is what I will do and this is what I won’t do. I take responsibility for my own ideas and decisions. I can say no and set limits. I don’t demand that others conform to my way of thinking. Don’t take responsibility for the feelings or decisions of others. Don’t try to control others.

• Clear thinking, inner guidance system. Beliefs, values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well thought through principles.

Self-Regulated• I take responsibility for myself – I don’t blame and I

don’t take on a victim mentality. The only person I can change is me – and I can change me.• I become less emotionally reactive. I face myself. I am

self aware. I know what my buttons are and why they are my buttons. I am a calm & less anxious presence. I learn calming practices. When emotions/anxiety rises we quit thinking & listening.• Learn to think systems and watch process. The

observing, thinking, leader becomes curious, engaged, and open to new learning. What counts is the leader’s presence and being.

Self-Expressed

• I give myself permission to be me. I am comfortable in my own skin.

• I learn to say what “is so” for me. Speak the truth – calmly – and in love.

Self-Confident

• I like who I am• I care less & less about what others think

of me.• I’m able to take a stand at the risk of

displeasing.• I denounce the lies I’ve believed about

myself

Keys In Coaching

1. Calm Anxiety

• The coach must be calm. Become an observer and develop a strong curiosity.

• Ask individuals to speak only to the coach.• Guide the process so that individuals think and

manage themselves. Bring logic and theory to the conversation.

• The more a person thinks, the more he or she is able to think.

2. Connecting with the emotional system

• Remain emotionally neutral.• Don’t imply blame.• Don’t take sides.• Ask questions so that the person is able to

clarify his or her thinking.• Give up having to have the answers.• Have confidence that people have the ability to

figure things out and work toward resolution on their own.

3. Observe the systems.

• Just watch.• “Observing, with its wonderful ability to calm

the emotional centers of the brain, actually produces relaxation, objectivity, and a quick way to get to constructive thinking.”

4. The coach manages self.

• “It is paradoxical that people who need help, get more assistance from someone who can refrain from helping, staying out of their emotional field, emotionally, yet connect with it intellectually.

• Observing is part of managing self.• Continue to think.• Calm is catching, as is anxiety, though it

happens slower.

5. Define yourself through the lens of theory.

• Define through the lens of theory how you see the situation.

• Use teaching moments to present the theory.• The faster people learn theory, the more they

can use it.

The longer a person works with and thinks systems the better he or she

becomes at it.

• Continue to get training and exposure to these principles.

• Continue to practice the principles in your own life.

Blessed are the Peacemakers

Basic Self & Pseudo-Self

The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory

1. The Nuclear Family Emotional System

• The family is an emotional unit.• Whatever affects one affects each one in the

system. That is, anxiety moves easily from person to person in the group.

• Family members trade “self” into the family relationship togetherness in a family “fusion” of selves.

2. The Differentiation of Self Scale

• The goal is to differentiate self from one’s emotional system.

• The degree of individuality each has depends on how fused we were/are in our family relationships.

3. Triangles

• When two people become anxious, they triangle in a third.

• In an emotionally intense situation it is useful to ask “where is the triangle?”

• Stay calm, stay thoughtful, stay connected, and stay neutral.

• Say what is “so” for you directly to the other person involved.

4. Cutoff

• Cutoff is a “process of separation, isolation, withdrawal, running away, or deny the importance of the parental family.”

• “Cutoff is one of the ways people attempt to resolve the relationship tension that results from that unresolved attachment (fusion or undifferentiation) and the anxiety it engenders. Fusions do not feel comfortable, so people have a tendency to want to get away from them, to cut off.”

5. Family Projection Process

• “If one worries excessively about one’s child (or reacts to an overload of anxiety by neglect, or over-focuses in an over-positive manner) one transmits – or projects – that anxiety directly onto the child.”

• “The more a child is on the receiving end of a worried, over- positive focus (or around a parent so anxious as to be neglectful) the greater the anxiety transmitted, and thus the fusion of selves with the parent(s).

6. Multigenerational Transmission Process

• “If we follow the most impaired child through successive generations, we will see one line of descent producing lower and lower levels of differentiation.”

• “The effort to understand one’s heritage as fully as possible is one of the most beneficial efforts it is possible to make for self.”

7. Sibling Position• “All things being equal, people show certain

characteristics, depending on where they landed in the their family constellations, according to the mix of rank and genders there.”

• “The different positions make it quite clear that no two children experience the family in the same way.”

• Each position is so different from any other that it is as if no two children have the same family.

• More fused families will be more affected by sibling position characteristics. Less fused families, less so.

8. Emotional Process in Society

• Regressive society or societal regression.• Regressions to a lower level of functioning.• “Society is more or less anxious, orderly and

organized at different times in history. In these times of societal regression, there is more anxiety in all people, firing chaos and irresponsible behavior.”

• Less emotional maturity and less ability to relate well with others.

Five Characteristics of a Regressive Society.

1. Reactivity: intense reactions to events and to each other

Reactivity–We diagnose and label–We take things personally–We take ourselves too seriously and lose

our playfulness– Reasonable dialogue becomes a waste

of time–We go from crisis to crisis just putting

out fires. We lose imagination & vision.

2. Herding: Forces for togetherness overpower forces for individuality and we adapt to the least mature members.

Herding–Feelings are more important than

ideas. We choose peace over progress–Dissent is discouraged –Comfort is preferred over adventure–Either/or – black/white – all or

nothing thinking takes over–Leaders become indecisive

3. Blaming: We take a victim mentality rather than taking

responsibility for self.

Blaming–We find fault with others–We focus on weaknesses rather than

strengths–We have an obsession with “Monday

morning quarterbacking” criticizing and second guessing

– Litigiousness–We change leaders or change our

leadership location frequently

4. A Quick Fix Mentality: we seek symptom relief rather than substantive change.

A Quick Fix–We are impatient–We have a low threshold for pain–We want easy answers and

certainty–We give in easily to the demands of

others including our children–We avoid struggle of any kind and

aren’t challenged to grow

“Raising our own threshold for the pain another is experiencing can often motivate the other to take responsibility for his or her

life.”

5. A Lack of Well-Differentiated Leadership: Leaders have a failure of

nerve

A Lack of Well-Differentiated Leadership

• We are anxious and feeling driven• We become peacekeepers• We’re reluctant to take a stand• We need the approval of others. • We lack any ability to adequately

face and deal with sabotage

The Eight Concepts by Roberta Gilbert

The Helping Professions Role

• Permissiveness in childrearing• The pleasure principle• The sexual revolution• Blaming parents

The Eight Concepts by Roberta Gilbert

Stop the Regression• Connect with your generations,

eradicating any personal cutoffs.• Educate yourself about the facts in

societal regression.• Become clear about your guiding

principles, being guided by them instead of political correctness or groupthink.

• Take a stand , after careful consideration.

The Eight Concepts by Roberta Gilbert

Stop the Regression

• Clearly define a self in your family. This is who I am and this is what I think & believe.

• Become a principle-guided parent, rather than projecting a worried focus.

One person can make a huge difference!