Components of a

Supportive Relationship

Prepared for the New York City Family Resource Centers

What is a “counselling” relationship?

“The provision of assistance and

guidance in helping families resolve

social, or psychological problems and

difficulties, especially by a

professional “ – which is you!

Difference between a

“counselling” Relationship and a

Friendship

Close Friendships

Characterized by intimacy, caring and support

Mutually reciprocal

Both parties' emotional needs are met

Equitable power

Helper/Helpee

Also characterized by intimacy, caring and support BUT

One-way focus

Person’s emotional needs are central

Power differential inherent (imparts responsibility)

Overview of Counselling Relationship

The support process and relationship has a developmental or cyclical component to it – a beginning, middle and end

Each stage has different relationship tasks and challenges

Shebib characterizes the cycle as one with four phases: Preliminary, Beginning, Action, and Ending

The Supportive Relationship

Purposeful and goal-directed

Directed towards the family members needs

Has defined boundaries

Defined by the advocate but both need to respect them

Is structured to meet the family member’s needs

Is safe, confidential, reliable, is predictable (they

can count on us) and consistent

We are responsible for being present, appropriate, to

adhere to ethical standards

Our Role in the Supportive Relationship

Establish Trust

Develops when the family member believes that we will be consistent in our words and actions, and can be relied on

Congruence (when words and actions match)

Ex. When we say we’ll be there at a certain time, we are there.

Genuine interest

Not being dishonest or artificial: asking a question and waiting for the answer, not talking over the family member

Empathy (not sympathy)

Being able to put myself in the family members shoes (not poor you = sympathy)

Our Role in the Supportive Relationship

Acceptance of family member, not necessarily his or his/her behavior

Avoiding judgment of the family member no matter what the behavior but be clear and firm

Unconditional positive regard (Carl Rogers)

Appreciates the family member as a unique worthwhile human being

Unconditional nonjudgmental attitude (don’t have to accept behavior)

Consider the family member’s ideas and preferences

Attending – uses nonverbal and verbal communication techniques to make the family member aware that he is receiving full attention

Self-awareness

Qualities of a good advocate

People indicate the following as the top four characteristics important to them in a professional supportive relationship

UNDERSTANDING

EMPATHIC

PLEASANT

ABILITY TO PUT ONE AT EASE

Qualities of a good advocate

Other important characteristics are:

Warmth

Acceptance

Genuine interest in family member

Knowledge of family dynamics

What other qualities do you think ear

important?

PHASES OF THE SUPPORTIVE

RELATIONSHIP

There’s a beginning, middle and an end…

Phase I: Preliminary

Create the necessary physical and

psychological conditions for relationship to

begin

First impressions are critical in any relationship,

and the families we serve often come to us

highly anxious, distrustful, insecure, sceptical,

fearful, etc…

Need to impart professionalism and warmth

In your experience, what does this first meeting

look like?

Phase II: The Beginning

Develop rapport

Begin to build trust

Outline purpose and goals of the work

together

Limit confrontation, work on empathy,

support, trust and positive regard

Agreement on frequency of meetings,

length of meetings, location, etc

How do you structure/introduce the new

relationship?

Phase III: Action Relationship continues to grow. And becomes

productive . How do you know?

Advocate more actively confronts and

challenges the family member

E.g., may push the family member to see

something in a way different from their typical

worldview

Advocate needs to be able to tolerate tension,

potential disappointment, denial, resistance.

The maintenance of this relationship may be a

corrective experience in and of itself

Phase IV: Ending (Discharge)

Specific phase, not just an ending

EXTREMELY important... can undermine previous work

Emphasis on reviewing, consolidating, saying goodbye, shifting success to the family member

A good discharge may be another successful experience, especially for people who have experienced much loss

Celebrate!

What can happen without good planning

Can be a difficult if the person isn’t ready or

prepared

Family members may feel abandoned

Sometimes family members “dump you first”

Sometimes family members regress / go into

crisis

Working through a discharge with good

preparation and proactive approach can be

an extremely positive experience

What should a family have in place to

make a discharge successful

Socially?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Resources?

Family?

Coninued care?

THE COMPONENTS OF THE

SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP

Components of a Positive Advocate

– Family Member Relationship

Positive Family member-Advocate

relationships are characterized by:

Allowing the family member the right of

self-determination.

Work WITH the family member

Show confidence in family member's capacity

to learn and grow, regardless of current

situation

Dignity of risk, inherent to self-determination

Components of a Positive family

member-Staff Relationship

Genuine interest in the family

member

Listening

Reflecting feelings

Project warmth

Demonstrate respect

Establish trust

Components of a Positive Family

Member-Advocate Relationship

Respond to the family member as

a unique individual

Stereotyping

Though they may seem like others

you’ve worked with, they aren’t.

Components of a Positive Family

Member-Advocate Relationship

Acceptance

Non-judgmental attitude

Compassionate

Gentle

Being a cheerleader

What are the challenges of ”Unconditional

Positive Regard”?

Components of a Positive Family

Member-Advocate Relationship

Empathic understanding

We feel with the family member – “the

conscious awareness of another’s feelings”

EMPATHY!

Components of a Positive Family

Member-Advocate Relationship

Genuineness and Authenticity

Be real

Be human (flawed, fallible, etc.)

Be honest - what’s the role of honesty?

Be who you are but watch for those

“less than attractive” parts of who we

are.

Components of a Positive Family

Member-Staff Relationship

Confidentiality

Code of Ethics

“Respect the privacy of family members and hold in

confidence all information obtained in the course of

professional service.”

TRANSFERENCE

COUNTERTRANSFERENCE

PROJECTION

We are all products of our past…

Transference and Countertransference

Introduced by Freud – parallel process between

how you relate to key figures in your life in the

context of your history

Conversely, your relationships as a support

advocate effects how you relate to your family

members

Definitions

Transference

Feelings a family member with whom you

work may develop about or toward you that

are rooted in their past relationships.

However, transference is not just limited to

the supportive relationship. Indeed, it

happens in ALL relationships.

Definitions

Counter-Transference

Same as transference, but refers to

the process in the opposite direction:

Feelings we may develop about or

toward the family member that are

rooted in their past relationships.

Examples?

Countertransference

Can include intense feelings of attraction or repulsion

More than just reminding you of someone

Can be increased by having a family member with a similar history / difficulties to yourself

Hidden triggers

Need to be aware of your own process and seek consultation as needed

Definitions

ProjectionA defense mechanism in which a person

attributes characteristics they find

unacceptable in themselves to another

person.

A husband who has a hostile nature might

attribute this hostility to his wife and say she

has an anger management problem

“Other people make me uncomfortable.”

“If I can do it, other people can as well.”

Projections examples

Bill blames the teacher for a bad

grade when he didn’t study.

Sam cheats on his spouse and

blames the spouse for his

cheating.

We’re Built for Transference and Projection!

Skills for Working with Transference,

Counter-transference and Projection

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

Developing your Self-Awareness is one

of your most important tasks as a

human service staff and it is a lifelong

one. It is not a goal. It is an

evolutionary growth process.

Self-awareness is the Key!

• Identify and take responsibility for our own feelings

• Develop the ability to separate our own feelings, wishes,

needs and desires from those of the family member’s

• Understand what the family member values/believes and

the potential influence of these on the family

member/staff relationship

• Carry your own values and beliefs in such a way as to

create an environment of compassion & non-judgment

regardless of who the family member is, what the family

member has done or how the family member acts

Self-awareness is the Key!

• Identify and manages counter-

transference reactions and defense

mechanisms (i.e. projection, denial, etc.)

• Seek support and supervision to deal with

transference issues

• Set professional goals based on

awareness of strengths and weaknesses

When we lack Self-Awareness• Avoid or are unaware of the family member’s

feelings

• Project our own feelings onto family members

• React emotionally to their family members but

don’t understand why or how

• Are unconsciously influenced by family member’s

values and beliefs

• Behave based on our needs and style rather than

in response to the needs and reactions of family

members

• Avoid or limit goal setting because we are

unaware of family member’s needs.

People who lack self awareness…

“They live in a house of mirrors and

think they are looking out.” Fritz Perls

IF THERE’S TIME…

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

ATTENDING SKILLS

“Did you hear what I said?”

Listening Skills

Listening is a complex process

What is said

How it is said

What isn't said

Contradictions between verbal and nonverbal

Emotional reaction

Incongruity

Not easy or automatic

The “I know exactly how you feel” Trap

Often, the natural response is to try to convey

empathy by indicating that you have felt the same

way / had the same experience

Hollow listening

Problems

Can invalidate uniqueness of experience

Often a transition to talking about your story

Shifts focus to your reaction, not the listener's

experience

Active Listening

Cluster of skills used to increase the

accuracy of our understanding

Includes: Attending, Silence, Paraphrasing,

and Summarizing

Take the test!

Attending

The way you convey that you are available, ready to listen, and willing to focus on someone else's experience

Non-verbal cues / body language –stance, eye contact, smile, etc.

Avoiding distractions

Avoiding fake enthusiasm

Silence

Using and interpreting silence is not a value

inherent in Western / North American culture

Can mean different things for the family

member

family member is thinking

family member is confused an unsure of what to

say or do

family member is encountering painful feelings

family member is dealing with issues of trust

silence is the family member's usual way

family member is done for the day!

Encouraging Silence

Family members (and advocates) who are

impulsive and reactive can benefit from being

encouraged to use silence

“I think it might be useful if we took a quiet minute or

two...”

“Let's pause for a moment”

“It's okay with me if you want to think about it for a while”

“When you're ready, we can talk about it. “

“Occasional silence is something that might occur during

our time together. Sometimes one or both of us will need

time to think.”

Paraphrasing

Way of testing your understanding by rephrasing family member's own words

Person can then confirm or correct your understanding

Also indicates you are paying attention and are focused

Repeating back the essence of a person’s words and thoughts using their main words

Summarizing

Way to check your understanding and assumptions

Way to organize complex information – may provide a framework for the family member

Can focus on whole conversation or parts

Combines two or more of the client's thoughts, feelings or behaviors into a general theme

Check on accuracy / completeness of your summary

Common Human Reactions To Not

Being Heard

Angry, agitated

Oppositional

Discounting

Defensive

Justifying

Not understood

Not heard

Procrastinate

Afraid

Helpless, overwhelmed

Ashamed

Trapped

Disengaged

Don’t come back – avoid

Uncomfortable

Resistant

Common Human Reactions to

Being Listened to

Understood

Want to talk more

Open

Accepted

Respected

Engaged

Able to change

Safe

Empowered

Hopeful

Comfortable

Interested

Want to come back

Cooperative

HAVE A

GREAT

LUNCH!!!!!