communication basics literal content – the actual words we speak feeling content – nonverbal...

Communication Basics• Literal content – the actual words we speak

• Feeling content – nonverbal cues and paralanguage coincide with spoken words– Nonverbal communication – facial expression,

eye contact, body language, distance (55%)– Paralanguage – pitch, volume, rate, rhythm of

speech (35%)

Gottman’s Communication Model

MESSAGE = Literal Content + Feeling Content

Speaker / Encoder

Listener / Decoder

Effective communication means INTENT = IMPACT

Speaker / Encoder

Listener / Decoder“Is that a

new sweater?”

She looks good in that sweater. I wonder if it’s

new.

He thinks I spend too

much money!

Basic Sex Differences: Verbal

• Women self-disclose more to same sex friends than men (men self-disclose to women)

• Women use less powerful speech– Hedges (“SUV’s kind of get bad gas mileage”)– Disclaimers (“I’m not sure but SUVs guzzle gas”)– Tag questions (“SUV’s guzzle gas, don’t you think?”)– Make statements sound like questions

Sex Difference or Status Difference?

• All of the sex differences discussed have been shown in experiments comparing low-status to high-status individuals– When a man talks to his boss might use more

distance and use tag questions– When a woman talks to her assistant she uses

more powerful speech

Gender Differences in Purpose of Language (Tannen)

• Report talk-purpose of language is instrumental - to share and seek useful information

• Rapport talk-purpose of language is expressive – to gain intimacy and seek understanding

Who Talks More and Why? – Report vs Rapport (Tannen)

• In private spheres, such as a home, rapport talk rules: an intimate environment with virtually no concern for status issues– Men talk less, Women talk more

• In public spheres, such as at work or school, report talk rules: conveying information, using logical problem solving and rational arguments. Status issues emphasized.– Women talk less, Men talk more

Alignment (Tannen)

• Symmetrical Alignment-both parties are on the same power level; a metamessage of similarity– Peers or friends in a discussion

• Assymetrical Alignment-either party has taken a “one-up” or “one-down” position; power is not equal – one is superior and one is inferior– Criticism, Advice, Directions, etc.

Communication in Intimate Relationships

Gender Differences in Alignment in Intimate Conversations

• Women often take on “one-down” role (easily request help or admit vulnerability)

• Women often accept “one-down” role if given (accept advice or direction)

Gender Differences in Alignment in Intimate Conversations

• Men do not take on “one-down” role (uncomfortable requesting help or admitting vulnerability)

• Men do not accept “one-down” role if given (ignore request or advice)

Examples of Clashing Gender Differences – Discussing Problems

1) “Don’t you care about my problem?”- Women are confused and hurt when men problem solve instead of matching complaints or sharing stories.

2) “They’re my problems, not yours.”- Men are often baffled and put off when women match complaints or share stories, rather than problem solve.

Examples of Clashing Gender Differences –Explaining Self

3) “Why do I have to explain everything to you?” –Often men interpret women’s detailed questions as nosy and intrusive - explaining one’s self puts one in the “one-down” role.

Examples of Clashing Gender Differences – Nagging

• “Why do I have to ask a million times before you do what I ask?”- Men delay responding to request because they perceive “following orders” as being in one-down role. Unaware of status issues women repeat requests.

Examples of Clashing Gender Differences – Seeking Help

• “Why don’t you ask someone for directions?”-Often, men uncomfortable with “one-down” role and do not seek help.

Gottman Observed Pattern of Communication That Predicts

Divorce with Amazing Accuracy

1) Complaint

2) Refusal to Accept Influence

3) Reciprocation of Negative Affect

Complaint

• Example, “You didn’t call to let me know you were going to be late for dinner.”

• Usually the woman

• There are many ways to bring up a “sticky issue” which we will discuss later.

Complaint

• Applying Tannen’s alignment issues: – Female may just be looking for

sympathy, understanding, sharing stories

– Eventually perhaps discussion of solutions once she has felt “understood”

– Remember complaints can be interpreted as “I know more than you”

• Usually male

• Gottman has found 65% of the time men take this approach

• This approach usually escalates the conflict

Refusal to Accept Influence

• Many ways to do this:– (1) ignoring problem – (2) not accepting responsibility

for problem (making excuses or blaming others)

– (3) minimizing problem– (4) bringing up other problems– (5) ATTACK


• Applying Tannen’s alignment issues: – He focuses on “one-down”

alignment, often ignoring actual complaint content. Remember men hate the “one-down” position.

– His immediate goal is usually to regain symmetrical alignment or one-up position.

– Addressing problem justifies the “one-down” position going against his tendency.


• Usually female

• After the male escalates the argument, she “takes the bait” and responds to him in a further escalation of the conflict

• Didn’t achieve goal, feels frustrated and misunderstood

Reciprocation of Negative Affect

• 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, belligerence) are behaviors either partner exhibit individually that predict divorce. In over 80% of couples that divorce, at least one partner is guilty of one of these behaviors.

Other Behaviors Predicting Divorce (Gottman)

Gottman’s Negative Behaviors: Complaining

• Complaint – “I hate it when you forget to call”

• Kitchensinking – “I hate it when you forget to call and forget my birthday and forget to pay the light bill”

• Criticism – “You are irresponsible.”

• Contempt – “You are a jerk” (often expressed nonverbally or with paralanguage)

• Defensiveness – Yes But – “I was so busy I forgot to call”– Cross complaint – “Well you forgot to charge my cell

phone”

• Domineering – “It’s obvious that you are wrong”

• Belligerence – “If I’m such a jerk I should just leave. Is that what you want?”

• Yes, dear – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say.”

Negative Behaviors: Responding to a Complaint

Negative Behaviors: Responding to a Complaint

• Stonewalling – “I refuse to talk about this” (often conveyed nonverbally while listening)– 85% of the time in marital conflicts, it is the

man that does this (Gottman)– Being stonewalled caused the strongest

negative physiological effect Gottman found• Gottman believes it is the cruelest of the behaviors

he measured

• Negative Mindreading – assuming partner’s behavior has a negative cause

• “You can’t stand it when I’m right” or “You do this just to spite me”

– Why is mindreading a negative behavior?• Conflict becomes about discussing motivations rather than behaviors,

very difficult to resolve

• Finding out the truth is more positive alternative

• Hidden Agenda – picking or prolonging a fight about something other than what’s really bothering you

• “You’re always staring at other women!” (when she is really worried that he doesn’t find her attractive)

Other Negative Behaviors

Positive Behaviors: Complaining

• Positive / Neutral Problem Description – “We often disagree about how to discipline the kids”

• ‘I Feel’ Statements (or XYZ statements)– “I feel X when you do Y in situation Z ”

• Editing – “When would be a good time to discuss this issue?”

• Behavior description – “You’re late and you said you would call.”

• Validation – “I can see how you feel that way”• Paraphrase – “So it upsets you when I forget to

call?”• Perception check – “You seem upset. Is that

true?”• Humor – “I must have been crazy (while

making a silly face)”• Assent – “You are right”• Task Oriented Talk – “So what are we going to

do about this?”

Positive Behaviors: Responding

Positive Behaviors: Metacommunication

• Stop Action – “Hey wait. Let’s get back on topic”

• Give Feedback on Impact – “What you just said hurt my feelings”

• Seek Feedback on Impact – “How do you feel about what I just said?”

Avoiding Complaint – Refusal – Reciprocation Pattern

• WOMEN

– Use “I Feel” Statements

– Edit & Metacommunicate

– Fight tendency to Reciprocate Negative Affect

• MEN

– Validate

– Edit & Metacommunicate

– Fight tendency to Refuse to Accept Influence

Remind yourself this person loves you to calm anger

Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, “The house is always dirty.”

• W, “I can’t do everything.”

• H, “I’m tired of the same old thing for dinner.”

• W, “Get yourself a new cook.”

Yes But

Belligerence


• H, “I feel you are a jerk.”

• W, “Get over it.”

• W, “Can’t we try to spend more time together?”

• H, “Sure we can honey right after I earn that big promotion.”

Criticism

Yes dear

• H, “Will you please limit long distance calls?”

• W, (rolls her eyes) “Will you please shut your stinking trap?”

• H, “You didn’t iron my shirt.”

• W, “You didn’t take out the trash.”


Contempt

Cross complain

• H, “You seem upset by what I just said.”

• W, “Did what I just said upset you?”


Seek Feedback

Perception checking


• H, “When you tell me how to drive, it makes me upset.”

• W, “Would it help if I drove when we are in a hurry?”

I Feel Statement

Task oriented talk

• H, “Please don’t talk to our daughter that way.”

• W, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t you dare question me. Anyone who spends as much time with their children as I do would see I’m right.”


Domineering

• W, “You spend too much time at the bar with the boys.”

• H, “So what.”

• W, “What are you doing?! Leave your muddy shoes outside, moron.”


Belligerence

Contempt

• W, “I stay at home alone with the kids all day then when you come home you won’t spend time with us.”

• H, “I work hard all day. I need time to rest”


Yes but

• W, “I try to keep this place neat. You don’t care how we live.”

• H, “I’m sick and tired of the way you spend spend spend.”

• W, (turns the TV up louder)


Negative Mindreading

Stonewall

Nonverbal Communication

• Facial Expressions– Universally recognized

(innate?)– Governed by culturally

determined display rules– Easiest for us to control (fake a

smile)


• Gazing– Conveys interest or attraction or

dominance

– Visual dominance ratio – for average person 60% if listening, 40% if speaking BUT for powerful, high-status person 60% if speaking, 40% if listening


• Touch & Interpersonal distance– Low status people get

touched more and get crowded in on

• Body Language – Very difficult to control– High status people adopt asymmetric, open

positions taking up lots of space


Finding the Truth• If there is a discrepancy between literal content

and feeling content, the truth usually lies within the feeling content! (Burgoon, 1994)

Basic Sex Differences : Nonverbal Communication

• Women smile more

• Women make more eye contact when listening, men make more eye contact when talking

• Women get touched more

• Women have less interpersonal distance

Gender Differences in Nonverbal Sensitivity Affects

Communication• Who can speak

effectively using nonverbal cues?– Body language, facial

expression, paralanguage

• Who can interpret nonverbal and verbal speech effectively to understand speaker’s meaning?

Noller Nonverbal Sensitivity Study• Noller (1980) examined how accurately married

couples could understand what their partner meant. Accuracy in this study means the speaker’s intent matches the impact on the listener.

Noller’s Study: Method• Speaker with

Neutral Intent was told “Imagine you and your spouse are sitting alone on a cold winter evening. You feel cold. You wonder if it’s only you who feel cold.”

“I’m cold, aren’t you?”

Noller’s Study: Method• Speaker with

Negative Intent told “Imagine you and your spouse are sitting alone on a cold winter evening. You feel cold. You’re feeling that he/she is being inconsiderate by not turning up the heat by now and you want him/her to turn it up immediately.”


Noller’s Study: Method

• Speaker with Positive Intent told “Imagine you and your spouse are sitting alone on a cold winter evening. You feel cold. You want him/her to warm you with physical affection.”


• It depends! Accurate interpretation of message most likely in high marital adjustment group, followed by moderate and low groups

Noller’s Results – Did Intent Equal Impact?

HUSBAND SPEAKER – WIFE LISTENER

• When wives did not accurately interpret husband’s intent, observers also did not understand it (errors due to poor encoding)

Noller’s Results: Explaining When Intent Did Not Equal Impact


WIFE SPEAKER – HUSBAND LISTENER

• When husband did not accurately interpret wife’s message, observers DID understand it (errors due to poor decoding).

WIFE SPEAKER – HUSBAND LISTENER

• Husbands’ decoding errors were found to be due to tendency to interpret their wives as having a negative intent when they did not.– Especially common in low

adjustment group.


So Are Women Always Complaining?

• Of course not! BUT 80% of the time it is the wife who brings up a “sticky subject” that needs to be discussed (Gottman).

communication basics literal content – the actual words we speak feeling content – nonverbal...

Documents

men problem

men men self

directiongender differences

basic sex differences

status difference

body language

intimate environment

sex friends