code of the brotherhood (cap 89, 2008 rev.ed) · 2008-09-04 · code of the brotherhood [cap 89,...
TRANSCRIPT
CODEOFTHEBROTHERHOOD[CAP89,2008REV.ED.]
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PARTI:SCAREDOBLIGATIONS
ARTICLE1:Preamble
(1) Brosbeforehoes.Alwaysremember,girlfriendscomeandgo,butyourboysarealwaysthere.
(2) BreakingthisruleistocommitthecardinalsinagainstTeamTestosterone.
ARTICLE2:LastBeerStanding
Neverdrinkthelastbeer,unlessyou'vebeengrantedspecificpermissionthatit'sOK.
ARTICLE3:ChickAvailability
(1) Ifagirlfallsintothefollowingcriteria,sheisofflimitsforeveruntiltheendoftime:
a. Wasanex‐girlfriend.b. Yourfriendspecificallytoldyouhewantedher.c. Isyou'rebuddy'ssister.
(2) However,ifit'syourbuddy'scousin,wellshe'supforgrabs,andyou'rewelcometorubitinhisfaceforyearstocome.
ARTICLE4:Jokes
Neverdiss,laugh,disgruntle,vexorannoyabroifhisteamjustlostacrushinggame..
ARTICLE5:Pets
Youmustneverownacat.
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ARTICLE6:TicketstoanEvent
(1) Ifyouget2ticketstothebiggame/gig/event,theprioritylistforgrantingthesecondticketisasfollows.
a. Yourbestbro(inorderofhowlongyou'veknownthemorbasedondefinitionofa‘bro’underAppendix).
b. Youracquaintances.c. Yourco‐workers.d. Themailman.e. Arandomguy–potentialbromaterialf. …….g. ….a. Yourgirlfriend.
ARTICLE7:LimitationsonFeminine/HomoTendencies
(1) YouareallowedtoenjoyexactlyonechickTVshow,andonechickflick.Youmayhavenomore.(AndifyoulikeNotebookorWalktoRemember,well,we'realreadytoolate)
ARTICLE8:Gifts
BirthdayandChristmaspresentsforyourguyfriendsareoptional.Beeralwaysmakesagreatgift.
ARTICLE9:PubHouseRules
Ifyougotothebarwithyourbros,youmustbuyaroundofdrinksatleastonce.
ARTICLE10:GameOn
TherearenomercyruleswhenplayingsomeoneinPoker,streethockey,bare‐fistedboxing,etc.(Otherwise,sportsknownas‘bro‐sports’)
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ARTICLE11:BroDebt
(1) Ifyouoweyourbromoney,paythembackassoonashumanlypossible—unlessit'sagamblingdebt,whichmustbepaidimmediatelyunless
a. Youarebrokeandgayprostitutionistheonlysolutiontopaybackthedebt
b. Mutualconsensusunderscaredoath
ARTICLE12:MeaninglessConversation
(1) Whenonebroengagesafellowbroinapoliticaldebate,saiddebateshallremaincivilandingoodspirits.
(2) Shouldsaiddebatebecomeanargument,thebrowhoinitiatedthe"argument"shallslaphimselfandthendowntwoMillerChills.
(3) Thisbrowillthen,intheproceedingGubernatorial,Congressional,orPresidentialelection,voteforthecandidateofhisfellowBro'schoosing
ARTICLE13:PublicDisplaysofAffection
NOPDA(PublicDisplaysofAffection).Hey,congratulations,anothergirlcanstandthesightofyou.Youdon'tneedtowearherlikeafuckingtrophy.
ARTICLE14:Cheating–AllFairInLove&War
(1) It'salrighttocheatatanygamewheremoneyisn'tinvolved.(2) Incertaincircumstances,relationshipsmaybeclassifiedas"games."
a. Whentherelationshipislessthan2hoursb. Whentherelationshipfallswithinthecategoryof‘relationshit’c. Afterhavingengaginginsexualintercoursewithinthe6hoursofmeeting
theoppositegender
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ARTICLE15:Gym
Don'ttellotherguyselaboratestoriesaboutyourweightliftingexerciseroutine.Noonecares.
ARTICLE16:Sports&Beyond
(1) Neveropenlyquestionanotherguy'ssportswisdom,unlesssaidinformationspecificallypertainstoyourfavoriteteam.
(2) Itdoesn'tmatterhowludicroustheotherguysoundstellingyouthatFrankLampardwasbetterthanStevenGerrardlastseason,lethimbe.
ARTICLE17:GirlfriendCalls
Whenoutwiththeguys,neveracceptacallfromyourgirlfriend—unlessshe'sdyingortrappedunderaburningfueltruck,andifthat'sthecasemakeitquick.
ARTICLE18:PeeRule
(1) Alwaysallowabufferzoneaturinalsandoncouchesa. Aturinals–brosshouldatalltimesstand2urinalsaway.If,thereareno2
urinalsavailablewhichsatisfythisrequirement:i. onebromustuseacubicleorii. holdtilltheotherbrofinisheshisbusiness
ARTICLE19:ZoneLimitations
(1) Nevershareabedwithaguy,unlessthere'snowayaroundit.
ARTICLE20:RepeatArticle1NOW
BrosBeforeHoes.Iknow,Ialreadyusedit.Ican'tstressitenough,though.Itisabsolutelyinfuriatinghowmanyofmyguyfriendshavebecomeinsufferabledickssincethey'vegoneoutwithsomeone.
CODEOFTHEBROTHERHOOD[CAP89,2008REV.ED.]
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ARTICLE21:ExclusivityRightstoBroFriendship
(1) BroswillnotbeassumedtobeexclusiveunlesseachhasexplicitlygrantedtheotherexclusiveBrorights.
(2) IfaBroisnotexclusivethenaBromayhavemorethanoneBro.(3) However,uponbecomingexclusive,saidBromustbreakanyBrotieswithall
otherBros.
ARTICLE26:GirlFight
(1) Abrowill,inatimelymanner,alerthisbrototheexistenceofagirlfight."ABromustneverhesitatebeforecommunicatingthepossibilityoffisticuffsbetweentwohumansofthefemalevariety[[HENCEFORTH"GIRLFIGHT"]],inanefforttomakepossibleandprobablethatanotherBroorBroscanpartakeinobservation.
(2) SaidBromustuseanyandallmethodsofmediadistributionathisdisposal,includingbutnotlimitedto:
a. Telecommunicationsb. elbownudgingc. fiberoptics,d. theexpressdeliveryservices,ande. postcards.
(3) IfaninformedBroisunabletowitnessthegirlfightfirsthand,thespotterBrois
responsiblefordocumentingandrelatingdetailsofthegirlfightviapictures,video,orbarringanyotherreasonablemethod,interpretivedanceand/orpantomim
ARTICLE27:Plagiarism
IfaBrocatchesanotherBroinplagiarism‐albeitawesomeplagiarism‐aBroshallberequiredtoasktheBrotocitehissource.
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ARTICLE34:Devil’sThreeway
(1) Broscannotmakeeye‐contactduringaDevil'sThreeway(2) Guysmustnottouch,exceptwhenmotivatedtohigh‐fiveorknucklebump.(3) Anythree‐waysinvolvingStephenBaldwinorJunyiarediscouragedatallcosts.
ARTICLE37:NameCalling
(1) IfoneBrocallsanotherBroadouchethensaidnamingmustbeconfirmedbyanotherBroevenifthethirdBroisachick.
(2) Thisnamingonlyrequiresa"second"byanyBroanddoesnotrequireamajorityvotebyallBrosinvolved.
ARTICLE40:LoveThyNeighBro
Lovethyneigh‐bro
ARTICLE50:BroPayment&Repayments
(1) Thebrowiththebetterpayingjobisrequiredtobuythefirstround.(2) Iftheotherbroistemporarilyoutofmoneyorlefthiswalletathomedrinkscan
belendedyetinthelongrunthesedrinksmustberepaidwhichcanbeintheformof:
a. Wingmanservicesorb. anyotheractofentertainmentoratthenextgatheringorthatparticular
nightinquestionc. Beerd. Cash(thisisthelastresort–thismethodishighlydiscouraged)
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PARTII:EMERGENCY
ARTICLE53:Protection991
(1) ABrowill,wheneverpossible,providehisBrowithprotection.(2) IntheeventthatoneBrofindshimselflackingthenecessaryprophylactic
accoutrementsneededtocompletetheactofcoitusinasafeandeffectivemanner,heisintherighttoexpecthisBrowilluseallmeasureswithinorwithouthismeanstoprovidetheaforementionedprophylacticinatimelyyetdiscreetfashion.
(3) WhenaBrosignalshisneedusingpreviouslyagreeduponcodewordsand/orbodysignage,itisunderstoodthathisBrowilldiscontinueallpresentactivityexcepting
a. theactofcoitusitself[wherebywhichBrovowstofinishasquicklyaspossible]],
(4) SaidbromustrespondwithapanoplyofoptionsatBro‐in‐need'slocation.ABromustpatronizethemostrapidmethodoftransportationavailablewhileendeavoringtoassisthisBro;
a. Innoinstancemayatwo‐wheeledbicyclebeused*asthisisnotonlyhumiliating,butalsopotentiallyharmfultotheperineum‐azoneoftissueperilouslyadjacenttonotedsexualorgans.
(5) Intheeventthatastate,federal,international,orgalacticlawisbreachedduetorecklessness,unacceptablelevelsofspeed,and/orthehijackingofanairbornevehicle(s),itisunderstoodthattheprimaryBrowillshoulderanyassociatedlegalfeesorfines.
(6) However,anycostsordamagesincurredfromtheuseofpublictransportationaretheresponsibilityofthesecondaryBroaloneasthisisaninstanceofQuidProBro.
(7) UponarrivalattheprimaryBro'slocation,thesecondaryBromustexercisecompletediscretionsoasnottodisrupttheprimaryBro's"flow."
(8) ItisunderstoodthataBrowillengageinalltrainingnecessarytoachievethisobjective,including,atminimum,afivemonthNinjitsucurriculummasteringthetwinartsofstealthandsecrecy.**
*UnlessabicycleistheONLYformoftransportation,asinsomeCambodianvillages**SEEAPPENDIX:"Listofapprovedninjatrainingfacilitiesanddojos."
CODEOFTHEBROTHERHOOD[CAP89,2008REV.ED.]
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PARTIII:BOUNDARYLIMITATIONS
ARTICLE56:SportingScores
ABroshallneverrevealthescoreofasportingeventtoanotherBrountilthatBrohasthriceconfirmedit’scool.
ARTICLE57:ChickRatioAtAParty
ABromaynotspeculateontheexpectedBro/chickratioofapartyorvenuewithoutfirstdisclosingthepresent‐timeobservedratio.
ARTICLE58:Notifications
IfaBro,forwhateverreason,becomesawareofanotherBro’sgirlfriend’sbirthdayand/oranniversarydate,heshallendeavortomakethatinformationavailabletohisBro,regardlesswhetherhethinkshisBroalreadyknows.
ARTICLE60:110%Effort
ShouldaBrobeneartoclosingwithagirl,hisBroshalldoanythingwithinhismeanstoensurethedesiredoutcome,uptoandincludingtheseductionofsaidgirl’swildlyunattractivecousin/friend/mother(referArticle89).
ARTICLE61:RespectThyParents
ABroshallhonorhisfatherandmotherirrespectiveoftheiractions
ARTICLE62:TargetsAcquired
IntheeventthattwoBrosacquirethesametarget,theBrowiththelongerdryspellhasdibs.Shouldthedryspellsbeofequallength,thebrowiththelowersexcountwins.
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ARTICLE63:AdultMaterial
(1) InascenarioinwhichtwoormoreBrosareengagedinentertainmentoftheadultvariety,oneBroisforbiddenfromintentionallyorunintentionally;
a. touchinganotherBroinANYcapacity,includingbutnotlimitedto;i. thehighfive,ii. thefistbump,oriii. thecongratulatoryglutealpat.iv. Winkingisalsokindofano‐no.
ARTICLE64:SportTicketProvisions
ABromuchprovidehisbrowithatickettoaneventifsaideventinvolvesthesecondBro’sfavoritesportsteaminaplayoffscenario.
ARTICLE65:PubHouseRules
ABromustalwaysreciprocatearoundofdrink(s)amongBroswiththeprovisothatnoexistingwagersupersedesthispurchaseandexchangeofspirits.
ARTICLE66:RelationshipBreakups
IfaBrosufferspainfromapermanentdissolutionofarelationshipwithaladyfriend,aBroshalloffernothingmorethana“thatsucks,man”andcopiousquantitiesofbeer.ABrowillalsorefrainfrompejorativecommentary–deservedornot–regardingsaidladyfriendforaperiodofthreemonths,whentherequisiteBACKSLIDEWINDOWhasclosed.
ARTICLE67:InstrumentsUsedAtParties
ShouldaBropickupaguitaratapartyandcommenceplaying,anotherBroshallpointoutthatheisatool.
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ARTICLE68:PriorityStreaks
IfaBroisonahotstreak,anotherBrowilldoeverythingpossiblytoensureitslongevity,evenifthatincludesjeopardizinghisownrecords,themissingofwork,ortemporarilyimmigratingtoaforeigncountry.
ARTICLE77:TearRule
(1) ABronevercries.(2) Unless;
a. NEVER;abronevercries.PERIOD
ARTICLE80:SlapBets
(1) Wheninaslapbetthybromustalwaysobeytherulesoftheslapbet.(2) Ifcaughtcheatinginaslapbettheselectedslapbetcoordinatormustrulethe
consequencesofhowmanymoreslapsmustbegiventothycheater
ARTICLE87:“Yes’Rule
"ABroshallatalltimessay'Yes'"
ARTICLE89:MomException
(1) "ABromayneverpursuethemomofanotherBro."(2) BeithereresolvedthatatnopointisitpermissibleforoneBrotoengagein
carnaldelicacieswithanotherBro'smother.(3) However,allowedandencouragedforoneBrotographicallysuggesttoaBrothe
athleticfeats,animalia,and/ormachineryutilizedduringafictionalencounterwithhismom.[[NOTABENE:ItiscustomaryforaBrotoavoidsuchBrocularityifhisBro'smomisa9orbetter,forfearofOedipalinducement.]]
(4) ShouldaBrodiscoverhisBroisinfactadopted,heisfreetopursuehisBro'sadoptivemother,butonlyafterfirstcorroboratingnon‐biologicalparentagethroughnotarizedbirthcertificates,hospitalrecords,orcomparativedioxyribonucleicacidgelelectrophoresis,whicheveriseasiest.
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(5) SincetheadoptedBrocannotlegitimatelyclaimtohavesharedacanalwithhisBro.
(6) ThoughthemomofaBroisalwaysofflimits,thestep‐momofaBroisallowedifsheinitiatesitand/oriswearingatleastonearticleofleopardprintclothing(Ifshelooksgoodinit.)