christmas belles

CHRISTMASBELLESBY JESSIE JONES

NICHOLAS HOPEJAMIE WOOTEN

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DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE

INC.

Christmas Belles.qxd 1/24/2012 4:23 PM Page i

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Christmas Belles.qxd 1/24/2012 4:23 PM Page ii

★

★

DRAMATISTSPLAY SERVICE

INC.

CHRISTMASBELLESBY JESSIE JONES

NICHOLAS HOPEJAMIE WOOTEN

Christmas Belles.qxd 1/24/2012 4:23 PM Page 1

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CHRISTMAS BELLESCopyright © 2007, Jessie Jones, Nicholas Hope, Jamie Wooten

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performanceof CHRISTMAS BELLES is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully pro-tected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of allcountries covered by the International Copyright Union (including theDominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of allcountries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the UniversalCopyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries withwhich the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, includ-ing professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing,public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, allother forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM,CD-I, DVD, information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying,and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission forwhich must be secured from the Authors’ agent in writing.

The English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in theUnited States, its territories, possessions and Canada for CHRISTMASBELLES are controlled exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE,INC., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No professional ornonprofessional performance of the Play may be given without obtaining inadvance the written permission of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.,and paying the requisite fee.

Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to the Authors c/oDramatists Play Service, Inc., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016.

SPECIAL NOTEAnyone receiving permission to produce CHRISTMAS BELLES is requiredto give credit to the Authors as sole and exclusive Authors of the Play on thetitle page of all programs distributed in connection with performances of thePlay and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for purposes ofadvertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a productionthereof. The names of the Authors must appear on a separate line, in whichno other names appear, immediately beneath the title and in size of type equalto 50% of the size of the largest, most prominent letter used for the title ofthe Play. No person, firm or entity may receive credit larger or more promi-nent than that accorded the Authors.

SPECIAL NOTE ON LOGOThe CHRISTMAS BELLES logo, available for download at www.dramatists.com,is required for use in your playbills, posters and other promotional materials.


This play is dedicated to our Christmas Belles,Phyllis, Bonnie and Eva.


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CHRISTMAS BELLES received its world premiere at AshevilleCommunity Theatre (Susan Harper, Managing Director; AdamCohen, Technical Director; Jenny Bunn, Program Director) inAsheville, North Carolina, on November 16, 2006. It was directedby Jessie Jones; the set design was by Richard Seagle; the costumedesign was by Mary Olson; the lighting design was by JasonWilliams; the property designs were by Ann Silkie; and the stagemanager was Carole Saich. The cast was as follows:

MISS GENEVA MUSGRAVE ................................ Mary E. TuckHONEY RAYE FUTRELLE .................................... Joan AtwoodGINA JO DUBBERLY ...................................... Michelle McCoyJOHN CURTIS BUNTNER ............................. Jamie NicholsonTWINK FUTRELLE .............................................. Cary NicholsDUB DUBBERLY ................................................. Michael PruittFRANKIE FUTRELLE DUBBERLY ............ Kay Crews St. ClairRHONDA LYNN LAMPLEY .......................... LaNita CloningerJUSTIN WAVERLY ............................................ Cory BoughtonRAYNERD CHISUM ............................................... Frank SalvoPATSY PRICE .................................................... Thelma Cousins

Our thanks to them all.


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CHARACTERS

MISS GENEVA MUSGRAVE, town florist

HONEY RAYE FUTRELLE, oldest Futrelle sister

GINA JO (G.J.) DUBBERLY, Frankie and Dub’sdaughter

JOHN CURTIS BUNTNER, deputy sherriff

TWINK FUTRELLE, middle Futrelle sister

DUB DUBBERLY, Frankie’s husband

FRANKIE FUTRELLE DUBBERLY, youngestFutrelle sister

RHONDA LYNN LAMPLEY, manager of TheDairy Dog

JUSTIN WAVERLY, interim Pastor at the Tabernacleof the Lamb

RAYNERD CHISUM, part-time employee at TheDairy Dog

PATSY PRICE, local society matron

PLACE

In and around The Tabernacle of the Lamb church in Fayro, Texas.

TIME

The Present. The days leading up to Christmas.


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CHRISTMAS BELLES

ACT ONE

Scene 1

Christmas music plays over a crackling P.A. system. Lightscome up on Miss Geneva Musgrave, 60s, the crusty proprietorof BooKoo BoKay, the only flower shop in Fayro, Texas, pop-ulation 3,003. The shop is also the town bus depot. The phonerings. She answers.

GENEVA. This is BooKoo BoKay. Whether you’re sayin’ “Get wellsoon,” “I do” or “I’ll never touch that woman again,” say it withflowers. How can I help you? … Why, Tenny, how you doin’? …Actually, I’m waiting for the three twenty-five from Houston tobring my floral shipment. Nelda’s funeral today cleaned me out.And speaking of which, if Nelda Lightfoot was half the psychic sheclaimed to be, how come she didn’t know that runaway Christmasfloat was bearing down on her? … Yeah, up ’til then it was a realgood parade. The float from Clovis Sanford’s House of Meat wasdefinitely my favorite, even though it turned out to be a killer …Oh, business is great. After all these years, I have found the key tosuccess in the floral business: helium. Do you know I’ve tripled myChristmas orders by introducing the “Happy Birthday JesusBalloon Bouquet”? Well, I sure have. And even my Greyhound fran-chise is startin’ to pay off. Oh, hold on, Tenny. I got a bus just infrom Brownsville … (Into a microphone.) Attención, Ladies andGentlemen, Señores y Señoritas. Welcome and bienvenito to Fayro,Texas. We hope you’ll do your holiday shopping para la entire famil-ia while you’re here. So let BooKoo BoKay help with any floralnecessitas you may have. Merry Christmas and Feliz Navidad to


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y’all and yours! (Back to the phone.) I’m telling you, Tenny, all thissuccess has helped take the sting out of not being asked to direct thechurch Christmas Program — for the first time in twenty-sevenyears … Evidently the Deacons thought the show needed newblood. I only hope Honey Raye Futrelle knows the mess she’s get-ting into. … You’re right. I have to let it go. After all, it is Christmas.And to quote Tiny Tim, “God help us every one” … Of course Iknow it’s really “God bless us every one,” but girl, this is Fayro,Texas. And we need all the help we can get … (Blackout.)

Scene 2

A light comes up on Honey Raye Futrelle, 50, a sexy, vivaciousgo-getter. She writes on a notepad at one end of a table. Gina Jo“G.J.” Dubberly, 20s, guileless and enthusiastic, sits at the oppo-site end of the table sewing silver stars onto a white garment.

HONEY RAYE. How’s it going over there, Shug?G.J. I think I’m getting the hang of it. Aunt Honey Raye, I’m soexcited you’re directing the Christmas Program this year at theTabernacle of the Lamb.HONEY RAYE. Me, too. I’ve always wanted to get my hands onthis show and people are going to be dazzled! They’re gonna feel likethey’ve just seen Baby Jesus born on Broadway! For starters, this yearthe Wise Men will be accompanied down the aisle by … a camel.G.J. A real, live camel?!HONEY RAYE. Even better, a two-person camel costume I rentedfrom the Waco Light Opera Company. And it’s not just three WiseMen, either. I have finagled a special celebrity appearance by noneother than Cee Cee Windham. G.J. The lady who hosts Hospitality House every morning onChannel Fifteen?HONEY RAYE. In the flesh. And not only will Cee Cee portraya Fourth Wise Person, but she’ll present the Holy Family with thegift of her Butternut Squash Lasagna. And that’s not all.G.J. I don’t know how you can top that. HONEY RAYE. There is only one way: Mary and Joseph will be


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blessed with a visitation from the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come… in the person of the other King: Elvis!G.J. Oooh, I’m getting chills! HONEY RAYE. Doyce Pender’s got the wig, the glasses and thecape. You tell me one verse of “Love Thee Tender” won’t bringdown the house. G.J. No wonder the cable access station in Sweetgum wants toshow it on TV live. I bet they’ll play it over and over every year, justlike White Christmas … and Shawshank Redemption.HONEY RAYE. TV coverage is exactly why I’m jazzing it up withlights and costumes and a flying angel. G.J. And sewing stars onto the angel’s costume will make it looklike she’s floating in the heavens. And see here? I just got the sec-ond star in place. HONEY RAYE. Let’s have a look.G.J. Okay. (She slips the costume over her head. A star has beenstitched directly over each breast.) What do you think?HONEY RAYE. I think the Wise Men might not follow the rightstar. Tell you what, let’s concentrate on casting. Now, we got to getus some shepherds. Any ideas?G.J. How about Wade Porter? HONEY RAYE. No, I don’t think so. Wade and I had this little… flirtation a while back that didn’t end well. I don’t think thatwould be too comfortable for either one of us. Who else?G.J. Well, there’s DeVurl McSpadden. He’s definitely got shepherdpotential.HONEY RAYE. No. That won’t work. DeVurl and I had a little… flirtation and he was real bitter when it ended. Next?G.J. Johnny Ralph Elmore?HONEY RAYE. No, Johnny Ralph and I had a little — G.J. Aunt Honey, this might be easier if we focus on men youhaven’t had a little flirtation with.HONEY RAYE. Then I’m going to need time to come up withsomebody. Meanwhile, I’ve got a request: I want you to be Mary.G.J. Oh, I am. I’m a very happy person.HONEY RAYE. Umm … not “merry” as in “Merry Christmas.”I mean “Mary” as in the Virgin Mary. You’re perfect.G.J. Oh, no. No, no, no! No, ma’am. I’m not good in front ofcrowds.HONEY RAYE. Now, you don’t know that.G.J. Yes, I do! When they asked me to give that demonstration last


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month at the Bi-Annual Cow Insemination Workshop, why,halfway through my demonstration I just froze. I didn’t know whichend was up. Even the cow felt sorry for me. I could tell by the lookon her face when she turned around to see what was happening.HONEY RAYE. Shug, just forget your inseminating nightmare.I’m counting on you, G.J. And I know you’ll want to be a part of itwhen you hear the name I came up with for the Christmas Program.G.J. What is it?HONEY RAYE. Honey Raye Futrelle and Company proudly present… Bethlehem-A-Palooza! (Blackout.)

Scene 3

Lights come up on John Curtis Buntner, 40s, Deputy Sheriff.He sits at a desk. On it is an open toolbox. He eats fries froma “Dairy Dog” bag.

JOHN CURTIS. As I perceive it this is a class-A Southern tragedy.Not to infer I’m condoning what you did, Twink Futrelle. No, I amnot. But it is my position you come by it naturally.TWINK. (Offstage.) And just how do you figure that, John Curtis?JOHN CURTIS. With the clear and unclouded eye of legal detec-tion. Factoid A: It is common knowledge amongst the populace ofFayro, Texas, that the Futrelles are women of passion. If WileyHicks had more than the I.Q. of a Milk Dud, he would haveknown that and you would not be in the situation you are today.(Twink Futrelle, 40s, enters wearing an orange jumpsuit with“McTwayne County Jail” printed on it. She carries a large wrenchwhich she puts into the tool box.)TWINK. I had no idea you’d put so much thought into this.JOHN CURTIS. Simply the machinations of a peace officer’smind. Factoid B: Even the most superficial observation reveals thatWiley Hicks took advantage of you. I mean, you dated him for six-teen and a half years. Everybody in Fayro agrees the man should’vemarried you out of pure pity if for no other reason.TWINK. I can’t tell you what a comfort it is knowing y’all werepulling for me.


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JOHN CURTIS. Well, we were. That’s why when Wiley got a snootfull and ran off with Maryjack MacLemore everyone was shocked.TWINK. Some of us more than others. Now, I’d better get backin there and spackle up that hole. I had to drill out a little morewallboard than I’d counted on to replace that pipe.JOHN CURTIS. Good gosh, Twink, you already patched thelinoleum in the men’s room and reorganized the computer files,alphabetically according to crime. You are by far, the most out-standing female prisoner to ever grace McTwayne County jail. I’mjust sorry I was the one who had to arrest you that day.TWINK. I’m just sorry you stopped me before Wiley Hicks gotwhat was coming to him. Dragging all his NASCAR collectiblesoutside and setting ’em on fire was only the start of what I hadplanned.JOHN CURTIS. But Twink, what everybody in Fayro wants toknow is … why the Dale Earnhardt memorabilia? Even from awoman bent on revenge, that was low. TWINK. Preserving Dale’s memory was the furthest thing frommy mind. I just wanted to hurt Wiley the way he’d hurt me.JOHN CURTIS. I do see your side. But I just wish you hadn’tpicked such a windy day.TWINK. I never thought the embers would make it across theroad to Tug Moody’s Mobile Home Paradise. I guess I would’vepressed charges, too, if a fire had taken out nine of my doublewidesand my brand new hen house.JOHN CURTIS. Yeah, that was a pity. ’Course, on the positiveside, the whole town did smell like fried chicken for a week.(Blackout.)

Scene 4

Lights come up on Dub Dubberly, 40s, wearing work clothesand a camo cap. He digs through a pile of laundry, shakes outa Santa suit and calls offstage.

DUB. Frankie! I can’t find my stomach! (Frankie Futrelle Dubberly,40s, enormously pregnant, waddles in carrying what looks to be a pillow.)


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FRANKIE. Do you really think it’s wise to say that to a womanwho hasn’t seen her own toes since last summer? DUB. What I meant was: Love you, Puddin’. Now, let your sympa-thetic and supportive husband have his pillow, okay? (He gingerlytakes it from her.) Hang in there, Precious. We’re just this side of thefinish line. Maybe mommy just needs a little nappy-poo.FRANKIE. What “mommy” needs is to get these babies born soshe can be a normal-sized human being again. Yesterday I was atthe store and a woman asked if I knew where the PetiteDepartment was. I said, “Do I look like I know where the PetiteDepartment is?” (She seizes Dub by the collar.) Dub Dubberly, I amsick of being super-sized! You hear me?! Sick of it!DUB. (He gently pulls her hands off his collar and eases her onto achair.) You know, maybe we should talk about something else.Why don’t you tell Santa what you want for Christmas.FRANKIE. Fine. I want Santa to get a vasectomy.DUB. A what?! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Hell, no. There’s notenough milk and cookies in the world to make Santa ever considerthat.FRANKIE. You asked what I want. So gift wrap that and stick itunder the tree. Because Mrs. Claus is not going to have anothersurprise like this (She points to her stomach.) again.DUB. You know, some women complain their husbands have lostromantic interest in them after years of marriage.FRANKIE. Clearly, that is not one of our fundamental issues.DUB. Looka here, Frankie, these last nine months haven’t exactlybeen a joy ride for me, either. I’m still trying to figure out howwe’re going to afford these twins. So isn’t it enough that I’m downat the Super SmartMart every night wearing this stupid costumefor extra money, without you asking me to rework my plumbing? FRANKIE. That’s another thing. You’re working too hard. Andnow I’m having to worry about these babies and me and you. I’msick of that, too.DUB. Well, I just can’t do anything right, can I? So, if you’ll excuseme, this seasonal hire with no benefits and a bad knee is off toenjoy one final round of pushy parents and greedy kids with boneybutts. (He exits.)FRANKIE. (She calls after him.) Wait, Dub! I’m sorry. I don’tmean to be — (She stops and sighs. Looks heavenward.) Mama Eula,I hope you’re not up there thinking I only talk to you when thingsare bad, but, well … things are bad and I need to talk to you. This


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pregnancy’s got me as tense as a havelina crossing I-20. And havingto deal with my sisters has not helped. I mean, Twink’s in jail,Honey Raye’s trying to turn The Tabernacle of the Lamb intoCaesar’s Palace, and then there’s that other situation. I know I’vepromised to break the news before Christmas. But Mama, with thetwins coming, on top of the mess we’re already in, I don’t see howthat can happen. Besides, it’s been a secret this long, a little longerisn’t going to hurt. Of course everything would have to happen thistime of year. I swear, Mama, getting through the holidays withfamily is about like baptizing a cat: Your heart may be in the rightplace, but it makes you wonder if all the scratching and fighting isworth it. (Blackout.)

Scene 5

Three weeks have passed. It’s Christmas Eve. Lights come up onthe fellowship hall at The Tabernacle of the Lamb. Upstageright is a door that leads to the unseen kitchen. Upstage centeris a door that leads to the hallway into the church sanctuary.Stage right is the door to the parking lot. Downstage left is aclothes rack filled with costumes. On a table beside it is asewing machine, various headdresses, props, etc. Downstageright is a table on which sits a large chafing dish and trays ofsnacks. Rhonda Lynn Lampley, early 50s, dressed in a flashyChristmas sweater and tight pants, high-heeled boots andlarge, gold dangling earrings, sets out and arranges a buffet ofsnacks on the tables. She sings to the tune of “We Wish You aMerry Christmas”:

RHONDA LYNN.WE WISH YOU A TEXAS CHRISTMAS,WE WISH YOU A TEXAS CHRISTMAS,WE WISH YOU A TEXAS CHRISTMASAND A LONE STAR NEW YEAR.

G.J. (She enters from the sanctuary carrying a doll wrapped in a blan-ket.) Hey, Miz Lampley. How you doing?RHONDA LYNN. Darlin’, if things got any better, I’d have to


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hire somebody to help me enjoy it.G.J. Do you have a pair of tweezers? One of this baby doll’s eyesis stuck open and we can’t have the Little Lord Jesus lay down hissweet head if he’s wall-eyed.RHONDA LYNN. (She gets tweezers out of her purse.) Here they are.Ooh, I can’t believe we’re just hours away from opening night. Youmake a fantastic Virgin Mary. You know, next to Maria in The Soundof Music, I think it’s the most important female role on the stage.G.J. I completely agree. But it’s all because of Aunt Honey. She’ssuch a fantastic director, if she ever decided to give up sellingdinette sets, I bet she could go straight to Hollywood and directTV movies. RHONDA LYNN. She’s very innovative. Talking Bruton Hairgroveinto letting her use one of his sheep in the show was pure-D genius.And who knew Wendall Poovey would make such a convincingJoseph?G.J. And the way Aunt Honey Raye keeps Wendall pointedupstage, people aren’t going to be distracted by that goiter at all. RHONDA LYNN. It’s just a win-win for everybody.G.J. Well, I better get Jesus back in there.RHONDA LYNN. Tell Honey Raye I brought stuffed jalapeños.Since Raynerd’s back on his medication, I let him work the fryerdown at the Dairy Dog. But he got a little carried away and madea few too many … actually, three hundred too many.G.J. You know, I thought it was real brave of Aunt Honey to putRaynerd Chisum in the Program. RHONDA LYNN. Yeah, but it was the right thing to do, himbeing so crazy about Christmas and all.G.J. Oh, I think so, too. ’Course Aunt Honey is still trying to con-vince Raynerd a shepherd in Bible times would not be pulling a redwagon behind him.RHONDA LYNN. Speaking from experience, that’s a fight she isnot going to win.FRANKIE. (She appears in the door to the parking lot, bundled up.)Wide load coming through. (She has wedged herself into the doorframe and can’t move.) Wide load stuck in the door. Somebody giveme a hand!G.J. Mama? (She and Rhonda Lynn run to the door.) What are youdoing here?! RHONDA LYNN. Now, Frankie, Darlin’, relax. We’ll pull youthrough. (She and G.J. pull Frankie through the door. Frankie enters.)


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There! Now, that wasn’t awful, was it?FRANKIE. Not as awful as being the sixty-year-old mother ofhigh school seniors is gonna be.G.J. Mama, you should be at home.FRANKIE. Where I should be is in the delivery room. I thoughtmoving around might give these two freeloaders a little encourage-ment. But I couldn’t go to the Super SmartMart to see Dub. Santawouldn’t like Mrs. Claus going into labor somewhere betweenHousewares and Ammunition.RHONDA LYNN. Well, long as you’re here, Darlin’, how aboutsome eggnog?FRANKIE. No, thanks, Rhonda Lynn. I’ve got to watch myweight. (Beat. She and Rhonda Lynn burst into laughter.) Hey, that’sa good one. Make it a double.G.J. Mama, I don’t think you should have something so richbefore you — FRANKIE. G.J., stop worrying about me. Remember, I wentthrough this before with you and Tina Jo. Okay?RHONDA LYNN. (She hands Frankie a mug of eggnog.) Now, runon back to your rehearsal, G.J. I’ll be right here with your mama. G.J. Oh, alright. I did promise Doyce he could try the Elvis wigon the baby. (She exits into the sanctuary.)FRANKIE. I swear, that girl hasn’t left my side since I hit the sevenmonth mark. But I guess I can’t really blame Gina Jo for being anx-ious since I’m so overdue. RHONDA LYNN. Well I, for one, am glad you showed up. I needhelp putting this panel in Freida Milsap’s tunic. Ever since she quitgoing to Curves, she’s really packed on the “l-b’s.” So, not only is thereno room in the inn, there’s no room in the innkeeper’s costume.FRANKIE. (They laugh.) You know, I came down here mostlybecause of you. You’re the one person who’s been able to cheer meup these last few months. You’re like a walkin’, talkin’ happy pill.RHONDA LYNN. Darlin’, laughter’s the only medicine any of uscan afford that doesn’t come from Canada. (They laugh together.Blackout.)


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Scene 6

Lights come up on Brother Justin Waverly, 20s. He clutches hisBible and looks up into the light.

JUSTIN. Kind Heavenly Father, it’s Brother Justin Waverly. I justwant you to know how happy I am to be Interim Pastor here at theTabernacle of the Lamb. Although, if the salary were a little betterand I didn’t have to work that second job down at the SuperSmartMart, I’d probably be happier — but that’s another prayer.(He sighs.) Now, I really need some guidance on handlin’ MissGeneva. When she got word she’d been replaced directing theChristmas Program, she came in here cussin’ and threatenin’ to dothings you only see on HBO! See, we never covered that sort of sit-uation at the seminary. And on a personal note, Heavenly Father,you know things have gotten mighty serious between myself andGina Jo Dubberly. What I need is help getting up the courage todiscuss with her Daddy that certain matter I’ve been praying over.And speaking of G.J., she’s seemed fairly … distant lately. Couldyou maybe nudge her back toward me? Thanks so much and Amen.G.J. (She enters.) Oh, Justin! You’re here.JUSTIN. (He glances heavenward.) How great Thou art! G.J. Hi, I, uh … I thought you’d already left for your other job. Ijust came into your office to borrow your stapler.JUSTIN. I’m fixin’ to leave here in a minute, but I’ll be backtonight for the Program. Listen, I called you twice today. Did youget my messages?G.J. You know, I did. And I was going to call you, but — JUSTIN. Doesn’t matter. You’re here now. See, there’s somethingreally important I need to discuss with you.G.J. Actually, I have to get into place before Ozella Smoot startsrehearsing “O Holy Night.” Aunt Honey Raye’s given her a wholeroutine to go with it, using the Bible puppets.JUSTIN. So, when do you think we could talk?G.J. I’m not sure. Would sometime in March be good for you?JUSTIN. March?!G.J. Or July. Yeah, July would be much better for me. (She exits.)


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JUSTIN. (He looks heavenward.) Lord, is this one of those myste-rious ways you tend to work in? (Blackout.)

Scene 7

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Frankie works at thesewing machine, Rhonda Lynn hems a costume nearby.

RHONDA LYNN. … So the first woman says, “My husband’s areal angel.” And the other lady goes, “You’re lucky. Mine’s stillalive.” (They laugh.)FRANKIE. I am so glad you moved to Fayro. I’m just sorry Ihaven’t been able to come through on that promise I made you.RHONDA LYNN. You’ll know when the time is right. I trust you.HONEY RAYE. (She hurries in from the sanctuary. Dressed verysimilarly to Rhonda Lynn: a flashy Christmas sweater, tight pants,high-heeled boots and large, silver dangling earrings. She’s fightinganxiety and losing.) Has anyone heard from Beulah Dodge Hargis?The woman’s recitation of Luke Two, Verses Eight throughFourteen has been the centerpiece of every Christmas Programsince the earth cooled. It’s the only thing the Deacons made mepromise to keep in the show, so where is she? FRANKIE. You called her granddaughter’s? You know Beulah hadto move in with her after Twink burned her trailer down.HONEY RAYE. Of course I have! Nobody’s home anywhere. Alltwenty-six buck-toothed, jug-eared Hargises have suddenly van-ished from the face of the earth. What am I supposed to do?!RHONDA LYNN. Darlin’, you want a little Frito Pie to take theedge off? You seem just a touch tense.HONEY RAYE. Tense? I’ve got three “Wise Men” who are so sim-ple, they couldn’t tell the East from the hole in their shoes, the camelcostume still hasn’t gotten here from Waco, the little drummer boy’sso hateful, the sheep has bit him twice and if I have to stare atWendall Poovey’s goiter another minute, I might just grow me one,too! Of course I’m tense!FRANKIE. But on the bright side, look how well you’re handling it.HONEY RAYE. (She fans herself.) Dang it! Here comes another


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scorcher. (She strips off her sweater down to a camisole.)FRANKIE. Hot flash or no, you keep your clothes on!HONEY RAYE. How is it possible for a grown woman to melt likelard on a hot skillet in five seconds flat? Good Lord, it’s unbearable.RHONDA LYNN. Did you try the spray bottle of skin toner in the’fridge idea I told you about? It’s the only thing that helps my flashes.HONEY RAYE. Listen, Rhonda Lynn, I’m not really interested inany more of your wacked-out little home remedies.RHONDA LYNN. Oh. (She’s stung.) Well, I’ve got one out in theDairy Dog van. I’ll just go get it; you might change your mind.(She exits.)FRANKIE. It’s one thing to be nervous about your show, but it’sanother to be downright rude. Rhonda Lynn just wants to be yourfriend.HONEY RAYE. (She puts her sweater on.) I don’t care for thewoman, okay? She tries way too hard: volunteering to help with thisshow, joining my “Lucky to Be Single Club,” she’s even starting todress like me. And that weirds me out. FRANKIE. You’re just too self-centered to give her a chance.HONEY RAYE. My plate is full with this show, Frankie. When Ileft Fayro, my reputation wasn’t exactly sterling. And when Imoved back, I thought directing a church program might makepeople think better of me. But if I’d known it was going to be sucha burden, I would never have taken it on.FRANKIE. It’s just a little church Christmas Program. There can’tbe that many difficult things to deal with. (Just then, RaynerdChisum, 40s, enters wearing his shepherd’s robe, an ear-flap cap,pulling a little red wagon.) RAYNERD. I just love Christmas, don’t you? Are you comingback in there, Miz Honey Raye? The sheep just bit that mean littledrummer boy again and the little boy bit him back. Everybodythinks one of ’em ought to go get shots for the rabies. Would youlet us know if that’s a good idea, Miz Honey Raye? I just loveChristmas. (He exits into the sanctuary.)HONEY RAYE. Make you a deal, Frankie: You take my place inthe sanctuary, I’ll take yours in the delivery room.FRANKIE. Honey Raye, it’s all going to be fine.HONEY RAYE. Oh, I want to believe that. I just want to leavethe First Baptists in the dust. They deserve it for scheduling theirCantata, “Sing, Savior, Sing!,” on our big night. I’m counting oneveryone in Fayro coming to my show because of the big celebrity


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I bagged. FRANKIE. I can’t wait to meet Cee Cee Windham. I want to askher about her pulled pork recipe, if you have to use the full twocans of Coke in the marinade or could you substitute Dr. Pepper.GENEVA. (She hurries in from the sanctuary.) Okay, people, listenup. We’re missing a rusty green toolbox.HONEY RAYE. Geneva, what are you doing here?GENEVA. Helping the cable access boys set up. We’ve got to geta dolly on one of them cameras and Harley can’t find his toolbox.I told them if they need anything, just ask me.HONEY RAYE. No. They should ask me, Geneva, since I’mdirecting the show this year.GENEVA. Well, considering your being a rookie at directing, itbecame clear to me you’d need some help. And don’t bother thank-ing me. Just consider it my Christmas gift to you. (She exits into thesanctuary.)HONEY RAYE. Noooo! Don’t you dare — JOHN CURTIS. (He enters from the parking lot, carrying a rifle.)Merry Christmas, everybody!FRANKIE. John Curtis. What are you doing here so early?JOHN CURTIS. Surprise! (He steps aside.)TWINK. (She enters.) Christmas gift! (A long coat covers her orangejumpsuit.)HONEY RAYE. Twinkerbelle! (She hugs Twink and lifts the coat offher shoulders. Twink is handcuffed with her feet shackled.) Oh, my. IfI were you, Shug, I’d ask Santa for some less chunky jewelry forChristmas.FRANKIE. I knew you’d never miss your big sister’s directorialdebut.TWINK. Now, I’m not going to take credit. It was John Curtiswho pulled this particular rabbit out of the hat.JOHN CURTIS. Oh, it wasn’t that hard, really. I just had to sub-mit a Work Release Waiver Form W Six Four dash Three Zero intriplicate to the County Clerk before she left for the day. But y’allbe sure and give Twink something to do. We’re using tonight aspart of her Community Service.FRANKIE. There’s plenty to do. We’ll even make her the rear endof the camel if we have to.JOHN CURTIS. So long as we get Twink back in her cell by mid-night. We don’t want to do anything that’ll jeopardize her Mayrelease date. Now, let me get these cuffs and chains off you, Twink.


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Here. (He hands Twink the rifle, then unlocks the cuffs and shackles.)TWINK. You’re awfully sweet to be doing this.JOHN CURTIS. The State of Texas is not without compassion.But don’t you be thinking about making a run for the border,’cause I’d sure hate to have to shoot off one of them cute littlekneecaps. (They laugh together. Their bond is not lost on Honey Raye.)HONEY RAYE. (She squeezes between them and gets very close toJohn Curtis.) I’m going to have to do something special to show mythanks. Tell you what, let’s have a toast to Twink when you accom-pany me to the cast party, okay? (Twink is not pleased with HoneyRaye’s possessiveness.)JOHN CURTIS. Well, uh (Takes rifle from Twink.) … Any way tohelp out the Futrelle sisters is my pleasure.GENEVA. (She sticks her head in from the sanctuary.) Honey Raye,just to let you know, the Three Wise Men came to me with their con-cern about that awkward entrance you gave them, so I restaged it theright way. No need to thank me. (She exits back into the sanctuary.)HONEY RAYE. (To John Curtis.) Stick close, John Curtis, ’cause Imay need to use that rifle just once before the show starts. (Blackout.)

Scene 8

Lights come up on the employee dressing room at SuperSmartMart. Dub, in Santa suit and camo cap, sits on a benchin a sour mood, holding his back. Justin enters with a back-pack. He wears brown pants.

JUSTIN. (He’s nervous.) Hey, Dub, funny I should run into you.DUB. I don’t see nothin’ funny about it, Justin, ’specially sincewe’ve enjoyed this little nightmare together every day for the pastsix weeks.JUSTIN. (He sniffs the air.) Oh, brother, something is definitelywrong. It smells like rancid meat in here.DUB. It’s me. Since Frankie’s had to cut back doing laundry, mySanta suit hasn’t been washed as often as it shoulda been.JUSTIN. You sure? (He checks under the bench.) ’Cause it reallysmells like an armadillo crawled up in here and died.


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DUB. I let it get a little ripe, okay? But it does keep the kids fromstaying in my lap too long. Which is absolutely what you wantwhen you’re faced with a bunch of ’em wearing real suspicious-looking diapers.JUSTIN. (He pulls a brown turtleneck sweater out of his backpack andputs it on.) Oh. Well, it’s a blessing it’s working out for you. But weonly have a second and I wanted to talk to you about Gina Jo and me.DUB. What about my daughter and — (A pain hits Dub in his back.)JUSTIN. (He doesn’t notice Dub is in pain.) As you know, we’vebeen dating for about six months now, and uh, and I think we bothagree this is the real thing and uh, well … I wanted to know if Icould ask you for — (He notices Dub.) Are you okay?DUB. I been better. (He doubles over and grabs Justin’s hand.) Sorry,I just gotta hold onto something ’til this passes.JUSTIN. (He struggles to hide the fact that Dub’s grip is killing him.)What kind of pain is it?DUB. My back. It comes in waves. Unbearable killer waves.Started this morning.JUSTIN. (He sinks to his knees trying to counteract Dub’s grip.)Maybe you’re having sympathetic labor pains for your wife.DUB. No way. That kind of bull hockey only happens inCalifornia. (The pain subsides. He releases Justin’s hand.)JUSTIN. Maybe it’s a kidney stone.DUB. On Christmas Eve? No way. I’m never going through that.Besides, I drank a full glass of water just last week. I probablypulled a muscle lifting that fat Munnerlyn kid last night.JUSTIN. Yeah, he’s a big ’un. I had a hard time fitting both of youin the picture. (He struggles to his feet, massages his nearly-brokenhand.) Well, if you’re feeling better, we ought to get out there. It’sour final shift. (He pulls antlers and a red nose from his backpack andputs them on.)DUB. I really don’t know how I’m gonna face them kids one moretime.JUSTIN. Deuteronomy Thirty-one, Verse Six: “Be strong andcourageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for theLord your God goes with you.”DUB. (Beat.) Does that ever really work for anybody?JUSTIN. They said it would in my crisis management course atseminary. DUB. They lied. I can’t do it. Give me one good reason to go outthere.


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JUSTIN. We don’t get paid unless we finish this shift.DUB. That’s the one. Let’s go, Rudy. It’s Snow Time! (Dub puts onhis beard and hat. They exit. Blackout.)

Scene 9

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Frankie finishes a hem.Rhonda Lynn enters from the sanctuary.

RHONDA LYNN. I think Honey Raye’s got things back on track.Turns out LaDonna Thompkin’s allergic to hay, but she’s hell-benton being the angel. Her mama’s bringing down her inhaler. FRANKIE. It’ll be mighty impressive if Honey Raye pulls off flyingan angel in over the stable … especially an angel the size of LaDonna.RHONDA LYNN. Oh, there’s a whole team working the ropesand pulleys. John Curtis is in there helping them strap LaDonnainto the harness to try another lift off. Maybe this time she’ll actu-ally clear the stable.HONEY RAYE. (She and Twink enter from the parking lot carryinga large box. They set it down.) Look what finally got here from theWaco Light Opera Company.TWINK. The world’s slowest camel.RHONDA LYNN. Why, Twink! It’s a Christmas miracle! (Sheruns to Twink and gives her a hug, which is not returned.) This is thefirst time I’ve ever seen you without bars in front of your face.TWINK. Hey, Rhonda Lynn. I guess I should thank you for allthe corn dogs and fries you brought me. Every single day I’ve beenin jail.RHONDA LYNN. And we’ve got plenty of ’em here tonight. Oh,and you gotta try some of Earlene’s Pink Stuff. It is out of thisworld. I’ve got to get her recipe; mine always turns out funny.HONEY RAYE. It’s only Cool Whip and Cherry Jell-o, RhondaLynn. A one-armed baboon with a learning disability could make it.FRANKIE. (Low, to Honey Raye.) I’m warning you.RHONDA LYNN. Oh. Well, forget that. Let me take the camelcostume into the sanctuary for you.HONEY RAYE. Don’t you need some help with that?


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RHONDA LYNN. (She easily picks up the box.) Darlin’, whenyou’ve hauled as many hundred pound sacks of Ore-Ida’s as I have,you can lift a Buick off a squirrel and never break a sweat. (She exitsinto the sanctuary.)FRANKIE. You’re lucky she’s here to help you tonight.HONEY RAYE. If you say so. All I care about is things are finallycoming together for this Christmas show … and that the FutrelleSisters get to spend Christmas Eve with each other. FRANKIE. Lord, the things we’ve seen and done.HONEY RAYE. Yeah, we’ve been through a lot together.TWINK. We sure have. And most of it was your fault.HONEY RAYE. Considering recent events, I’d say we’re about even.FRANKIE. (She’s eager to change the subject.) Hey, Twink, I wantyou sitting with me and Dub when the show starts.TWINK. I don’t think so, Frankie. I don’t want to give all thosegossips the satisfaction of seeing me in this jailhouse jumpsuit. FRANKIE. Teresa Denean Futrelle, I know you’re bigger thanthat. You just have to overcome your sense of shame and embar-rassment. Honey Raye did. I mean she was labeled nothing but“tramp” and “white trash” early in life because of all her wild ways.HONEY RAYE. Hold on — FRANKIE. Sure you were jilted by a boyfriend and burned downa few doublewides, but Honey Raye’s overcome her horrible repu-tation and had to face unbearable humiliation! HONEY RAYE. Okay, that’s enough — FRANKIE. I mean, just think about all those ridiculous marriages:the Christian Ventriloquist, Rabbit, the Tilt-A-Whirl operator, thatwrestler who was already married — HONEY RAYE. In Snake’s defense, his previous wife had enteredthe Witness Protection Program and she wasn’t free to let himknow their divorce was not final.FRANKIE. Uh-huh. Then Bulldog somebody-or-other, the thirdhusband with an animal’s name, and finally, a character known tolaw enforcement officials state-wide as “Wild Bill Boudreaux, TheCrazy Cajun.” There’s no reason in the world Honey Raye’s not offsquattin’ in a cave somewhere, but instead, here she is, with herhead held high. And you know why? Because she’s a Futrelle. Shecan bear the shame of her stupid decisions. And you can, too.HONEY RAYE. You know, I hated the thought of you having togo through the pain of childbirth again at your age, but suddenly,I’m feeling a whole lot better about it.


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FRANKIE. What I’m trying to point out to Twink is, people willunderstand. So she made a mistake. It doesn’t have to be the end ofher life.TWINK. Mistake? The only mistake I made was not leavingWiley’s NASCAR junk inside his trailer when I torched it.HONEY RAYE. You have got to let this go. TWINK. Oh, no I don’t. The only perk of being in jail is it givesyou plenty of time to plot revenge.FRANKIE. I never thought you were a vindictive woman whocould bear such a vicious grudge.TWINK. You know, I didn’t think I was, either. But turns out, I am.HONEY RAYE. What happened to my happy, generous little sis-ter? The volunteer who kept the books at the Food Pantry anddrove the Kidney Caravan to the Dialysis Center every Wednesday?TWINK. She’s in a chain gang picking up trash off the side of theroad. (Unnoticed, Rhonda Lynn enters from the sanctuary.) I don’tknow why you two don’t get it. I’m the one who was wronged.How come I’ve got nothing and Wiley Hicks has everything? If youthink I’m going to let him and Maryjack MacLemore get awaywith living happily ever after, you are sadly mistaken. I will not rest’til I have had my revenge. Somehow, some way, Wiley Hicks willget what’s coming to him for what he did to me. (Frankie andHoney Raye are clearly alarmed.)RHONDA LYNN. (She breaks the tension.) Listen, if you girlswant something to eat, get it now. The cast will be coming in hereany minute to grab a bite before the run-through.TWINK. Hey, the fire’s gone out under this chafing dish. (Shepicks up a lighter and clicks it on.)FRANKIE, HONEY RAYE and RHONDA LYNN. (Horrified,they rush to the chafing dish and form a barricade to keep Twink fromgetting near it.) No!!!RHONDA LYNN. (She takes the chafing dish.) I needed to refillthis thing, anyway. I’ll just … you know. FRANKIE. I’ll help, Rhonda Lynn, after I go to the bathroom …again. (She and Rhonda Lynn exit into the kitchen.)TWINK. I don’t get that Lampley gal. She’s been bringing mefood and magazines and papers down to the jail for months now.What does she want?HONEY RAYE. Search me. But she and Frankie have been thick asthieves ever since Rhonda Lynn moved to town. And she tries to befriends with me just a little too much. All the time, in fact. (She checks


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her watch.) They’ve got to be finished with that angel harness by now.G.J. (She enters from the sanctuary.) Aunt Twink! We didn’t knowyou’d be here tonight.TWINK. You think a little jail sentence could keep me away froma Tabernacle Christmas Program?HONEY RAYE. G.J., are we ready for the run-through?G.J. No, ma’am. The sheep had an accident and Miss Geneva’s hav-ing the area around the pulpit wet-vac’d. Right now she’s restagingthe shepherds abiding in the fields. She had the idea to put the sheepin Raynerd’s wagon and Harley, the TV camera guy, liked it a lot.HONEY RAYE. (She starts for the door to the sanctuary.) I can’tleave that meddling, old woman alone out there for one second! Ishould have — GENEVA. (She barrels in from the sanctuary.) Okay, people, listenup. We’ve got a Yuletide disaster in the makes.HONEY RAYE. We already know about the sheep incident,Geneva, not to mention your taking liberties with my staging.GENEVA. You’re welcome. But here’s the new problem: There arethree people throwing up their guts in the restroom as we speak.You’re down two Wise Men and an Elvis.HONEY RAYE. What?!TWINK. Why? What’s causing it?GENEVA. Not a clue. But you better pray it’s not contagious.HONEY RAYE. Nooooo! Things were just starting to go right!They can’t ruin this for me! (She races into the sanctuary.)GENEVA. (She turns to G.J. and Twink.) Far be it for me to statethe obvious, but this never would’ve happened if I was directingthe show. (Blackout.)

Scene 10

Lights come up on Dub, who sits on his “Santa Throne.” Heis clearly in pain. Justin calls after unseen children. He has acamera.

JUSTIN. (He speaks in an odd falsetto.) Thanks for coming to theNorth Pole, kids. And make sure Mommy buys the Super


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SmartMart eight-by-ten glossy print of your picture with Santa, foronly nineteen ninety-five. Merry Christmas!DUB. (He snaps at Justin.) Why are you talking in that weird voice?JUSTIN. (He drops “the voice.”) I just thought it sounded like howa reindeer would talk.DUB. Did you factor into that thought process that reindeer can’ttalk?!JUSTIN. I only wanted to make the experience more fun for thekids. Sorry.DUB. (He squirms, trying to ease the pain.) What I’m sorry aboutis the real cause of this back pain. I’ve lied to myself as long as Ican. I am passing a kidney stone. Why me, Justin? Why now?JUSTIN. Oh, gosh! You want me to take you to Dr. Ballard’s?DUB. I have to make it through the last hour. Frankie and I arecounting on the money. Bring on another brat.JUSTIN. (He speaks in “the voice.”) Sorry, Santa. There are no boysand girls — (Dub shoots him a withering look. Justin drops “thevoice.”) Uh, no one’s in line right now.DUB. Then do something to take my mind off this brain-numbingpain!!! Talk to me … about something … anything!JUSTIN. There is something I really need to talk to you about,but you know how touchy Management is about Santa having con-versations with anyone who’s not sitting in his lap. (A wave of painengulfs Dub. Justin looks around, then climbs on Dub’s lap.) DUB. What the Sam Hill are you doing?!JUSTIN. Talking to you. I’ve come … I’d like … what I’m tryingto say — DUB. For the love of Mike, just spit it out!!JUSTIN. Right. I’d like to ask your permission … to marry …Gina Jo.DUB. Okay, fine! Hell, you can marry Frankie, too, if you’ll justget off my lap!! (He dumps Justin on the floor. Dub screams in agony.)JUSTIN. (He spots some “children” waiting to see Santa and speaksin “the voice” as he gets to his feet.) Uh … hello there, boys and girls.Now don’t be worried about dear, old Santa Claus — DUB. (He wails.) I can’t stand it!!JUSTIN. He’s … just … so sad he has to … leave you to start hisdeliveries. DUB. This is killing me! (He falls on the floor and writhes.)JUSTIN. Yes, it’s killing him to … have to say good-bye. But …he has to fill his sleigh with toys for all the good little girls and


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boys. (Dub screams.) Oh, just listen to Santa scream for joy. (Justingrabs Dub’s feet and pulls him offstage.) Well, so long and MerryChristmas! (Blackout.)

Scene 11

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Lost in thought, Twinkflicks a lighter off and on. G.J. enters from the sanctuary andwatches Twink. Rhonda Lynn enters from the kitchen, seesTwink, then edges over to G.J.

G.J. (She whispers.) I don’t think leaving Aunt Twink alone is agood idea.RHONDA LYNN. (She whispers.) Everything’s gonna be okay aslong as none of us tell her where Wiley is. Now, let’s go cheer her up.G.J. (She and Rhonda Lynn approach her.) What are you doing outhere all by your lonesome, Aunt Twink?TWINK. Just thinking about all the things I’d like to give WileyHicks for Christmas. Can you gift-wrap a compound fracture?RHONDA LYNN. Darlin’, I know what it’s like to be betrayed bya man. My last ex, Talmadge Lampley, had a back so hairy, I hadto vacuum the sheets before I could make up the bed. After burn-ing out my second Dust Buster, I sent him to the cosmetologyschool to get that mess removed. And wouldn’t you know it? Heran off with Little Miss Hot Wax.TWINK. Am I supposed to get something from this, RhondaLynn?RHONDA LYNN. I’m just saying, I know you’re furious withWiley, but you can’t stop believing there’s a good man out there foryou. I haven’t.G.J. That’s what I always say at work. Even though we’re doingartificial insemination, I remind my cows to have faith that one daymaybe the right bull will come along. TWINK. Thanks for trying to make me feel better. But honestly,the thing that would really do the trick is for one of you to just tellme where I can find Wiley. G.J. Uh … I think he’s out of town?


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RHONDA LYNN. Know what? I think G.J.’s right. Now, let’s getyour mind off your troubles, Twink. Here. (She takes a scrapbook offthe table.) It’s the scrapbook from last year’s Christmas Program.(She gives the book to Twink and eases the lighter out of her hand.)TWINK. (She thumbs through the pages.) This was a good one.Everyone was having so much — Oh, my Lord. Look at these pic-tures of Wiley and Maryjack playing Joseph and Mary. This iswhere it started. They were makin’ moon eyes at each other overthe manger!G.J. (She takes the scrapbook and hands it to Rhonda Lynn.) Youknow, maybe the scrapbook isn’t such a good idea. TWINK. Then can I have my lighter back?RHONDA LYNN. I don’t think that’s such a good idea, either.(She exits.)TWINK. People must think I’m an idiot!!! RAYNERD. (He enters from the sanctuary pulling his wagon.) You’llget used to it, Miz Twink. I have. Miz Honey Raye says I can eatmy supper now. I’m really hungry, too, Miz Twink. (He goes aroundthe table filling a plate.) Mostly ’cause I’ve had to pull the littledrummer boy around all afternoon. That hateful sheep keeps try-ing to kill him. I just love Christmas.HONEY RAYE. (She hurries in from the sanctuary.) We’ve got twomore cast members down. Turns out everyone who’s blown theirgroceries ate at the Band Boosters Pancake Supper last night. Anymoron would know that nasty Sissy Fowler and a pancake griddleare a recipe for disaster. (She goes to the tub of soft drinks.) Look, I’mgoing to fish out as many ginger ales as I can. G.J., get somesaltines and see if we can resurrect Elvis.G.J. Oh, if we only could. (She grabs a box of crackers and exits intothe sanctuary.)TWINK. Saltines and ginger ale won’t cure food poisoning. Tell youwhat, give me your keys and I’ll run out to the drug store for you.HONEY RAYE. We’re all on to you, Twink Futrelle. You onlywant my car so you can go out and hunt down Wiley Hicks. Can’tyou just forget your revenge for now and give me a little help? I’veleft six phone messages for Dr. Ballard, Wendall Poovey’s dishingout Kaopectate and Miss Tenny’s playing “Nearer My God ToThee.” We’re sinking like a stone here!FRANKIE. (She enters from the sanctuary.) Ozella Smoot’s kickedthe hem out of her choir robe again. This is the last time I’m goingto — (She holds her stomach and groans.) Ohhh! Ohhh!


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HONEY RAYE. (She and Twink race to Frankie’s side.) Is this it,Frankie? Are the babies coming?TWINK. John Curtis can turn his siren on and get you to the hos-pital in two minutes flat.FRANKIE. Wait. It’s my cell phone. I have it on vibrate. (She pullsit from her pocket and answers.) Hello?RAYNERD. Miz Twink, you might want to get you a plate beforeMiz Frankie does. I believe she’s the biggest white lady I ever seen.TWINK. Can’t argue with that.FRANKIE. (Into the phone.) Oh, no! Is he okay? … Well, whenyou find Dr. Ballard, call me back, Justin. (She hangs up.) Dub’spassing a kidney stone. That poor, sweet man. Can you think ofanything worse than passing a kidney stone?TWINK. Yeah. And Honey Raye’s directing it.HONEY RAYE. Thank you for that vote of confidence. I haveworn myself to a frazzle trying to create a work of art as my gift tothis community! (She wails.) Why is all this happening? I feel likeI’m being tested. All I need now is for Satan himself to walkthrough the door. (Patsy Price, 50s, well-coiffed, dressed in an elegantgown, enters from the sanctuary. The sisters freeze.)PATSY. Hello. TWINK. (To Honey Raye.) You just had to say it, didn’t you?PATSY. (She eyes the women coolly.) Ah, the Fertile, the Flirt andthe Felon. Just another day at the Futrelle Family Circus.RAYNERD. Hi, Miz Patsy. Wanna stuffed jalapeño? Fried ’emmyself.PATSY. Complete with sideshow.FRANKIE. Patsy, it’s Christmas, can’t we play nice? It’s badenough Parker and Tina Jo can’t be with us.PATSY. Yes, my son and your daughter are really enjoying my giftof the ski trip to Vail. And Parker wanted me to thank you for thepresent you and Dub gave them. One can never have too manysalad spinners.HONEY RAYE. We’d all love to stand here and compare bank bal-ances with you, Patsy, but you need to leave. I’m trying to stage ashow here.PATSY. About that, you’re going to have to try harder. You can’texpect me to carry the entire program alone.HONEY RAYE. And I don’t, since you’re not in it.PATSY. Oh, but I am. Beulah Dodge Hargis has done a delight-ful job of mumbling through The Christmas Story every year since


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the Mayflower docked. But I convinced the Deacons — with asizeable donation — it would be a nice change to have someonevivacious and young do the honors.TWINK. But they settled for you, instead?FRANKIE. Why am I not surprised you bought your way intothis show?RAYNERD. Don’t worry, Miz Patsy, you’ll do good. And if youget mixed up on the words, I know it by heart, ’cause I just loveChristmas. (He touches her dress.) You look like an ornament on atree … or Miz Jo Ann Castle on The Lawrence Welk Show.PATSY. (She turns to Honey Raye.) Would you please get him outof here? I will not have Boo Radley pawing my gown.HONEY RAYE. Raynerd, Shug, I need you to help me. Go checkon everyone who’s sick and report back to me, okay?RAYNERD. Yes, ma’am. I won’t be long. (He hurries to exit into thesanctuary, pulling his wagon behind him. He points at Frankie.) Y’alldon’t let her eat nothin’ from my plate while I’m gone. (He exits.)HONEY RAYE. Patsy Price, don’t you ever talk that way toRaynerd again. I’m proud to have him in my show and I’d betterbe able to say the same about you at the end of the evening. PATSY. If there’s another highlight in this program besides myperformance, I’ll be stunned.HONEY RAYE. Oh, this show is nothing but highlights. Andnow I’m more determined than ever to make sure tonight’s pro-gram is wonderful.FRANKIE. That’s right, Honey Raye.HONEY RAYE. I put my heart and soul into this production.TWINK. You tell her, Honey Raye.HONEY RAYE. This is going to be a show Fayro, Texas will neverforget. And it’s not going to be because of you, Patsy, it’s going tobe because — JOHN CURTIS. (He enters from the sanctuary.) Bucky Waddellwanted to know what it felt like to fly, so he strapped himself intothe angel’s harness. And when he got all the way up to the ceiling,the Pancake Supper hit him. You do not want to know what it lookslike out there. Now, do any of you know how to shampoo a sheep?FRANKIE. John Curtis, forget that. You’ve got to help us find Dr.Ballard. Dub’s passing a kidney stone.JOHN CURTIS. A kidney stone, oh, no! God! Ooh! Passing akidney stone is the most horrible pain a human can endure.FRANKIE. (She gets in his face.) You want to rethink that?


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JOHN CURTIS. Yes, ma’am, I see your point. Uh, Honey Raye,I’ll go to my cruiser and put out an A.P.B. for the doc, but some-body’s got to get on to that sheep. (He exits.) HONEY RAYE. Okay, go! Go! Twink, you’re hosing down a sheep. TWINK. I most certainly am not! But if you give me your carkeys, I’ll go find Dr. Ballard for you.FRANKIE. Twink, you’re staying put. It’s for your own good. TWINK. Helping me find Wiley Hicks would do me a lot moregood. Doesn’t anybody in this stinkin’ town know where he is?PATSY. I do. He’s just down the street.FRANKIE. Patsy, don’t.PATSY. Twink’s been through so much. I think she deserves toknow the truth. Wiley’s over at the First Baptist Church. He andMaryjack are performing in the Cantata tonight. In fact, I believethey’re doing the big duet in “Sing, Savior, Sing!”TWINK. Oh, no they’re not! Not if I can get to him first! (Shestarts for the exit.) HONEY RAYE. (She stops her.) You stay where you are, Sister.You’re going to help me get this show fixed and back on its feet. TWINK. I don’t care about your stupid show! This is the momentI’ve been living for. Now, let me go! I’ve got to get my hands on Wiley!HONEY RAYE. Nothing doing. We promised John Curtis tokeep an eye on you. Frankie, help me. Sit on her if you have to.(Honey Raye and Frankie push Twink into a chair and tie her to itwith a length of rope from the costume table.)PATSY. I’m sorry. I’d just hate it if I caused a family rift.G.J. (She enters from the sanctuary.) Aunt Honey, there’s a problemwith the camel costume. HONEY RAYE. You’re going to have to fix it, G.J. I’ve got myhands full. TWINK. Just give me a shot at that Cantata!G.J. Aunt Honey, I can’t fix it. See, turns out the costume they sentisn’t really a camel. It’s more like … a bear.HONEY RAYE. A bear?!G.J. Okay, it is a bear. (Beat.) Actually, it’s a polar bear.HONEY RAYE. A polar bear?! They can’t do this to me! There wasno polar bear at the Nativity!!!PATSY. Honey Raye, is this one of those highlights you were refer-ring to?FRANKIE. Back off, Patsy. Honey Raye can’t have any moredumped on her right now.


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GENEVA. (She barrels in from the sanctuary.) Okay, people, listenup. We just got a call from Cee Cee Windham. She bailed on us.HONEY RAYE. She what?!TWINK. I’ll go get her for you, right after I’m done with Wiley.(Rhonda Lynn re-enters from the kitchen.)GENEVA. Cee Cee’s substituting for the weather girl on ChannelFour in Longview tonight. She thinks it could lead to something bigso I told her we wouldn’t stand in her way. Don’t worry, I’ve startedmarking her name out of all the programs. No need to thank me.HONEY RAYE. Why would I thank an interfering, old gasbagwho doesn’t know she’s been put out to pasture and isn’t neededany more?!GENEVA. Careful, Lolita. Any more lip and all you’ll want forChristmas is your two front teeth.RHONDA LYNN. Honey Raye, Darlin’, Miss Geneva’s just try-ing to help you.HONEY RAYE. Butt out, Rhonda Lynn! My show is falling apartand we’ve got two hundred people due to arrive in a little over anhour to witness the birth of the Baby Jesus! And nobody’s helpingme here. People are either standing around or bringing me badnews but nothing’s getting done! FRANKIE. Honey Raye, there is no need to bite Rhonda Lynn’shead off. TWINK. But that is exactly what I want to do to Wiley. So, some-body untie me RIGHT NOW!!!HONEY RAYE. Frankie, will you stop shoving this woman downour throats?! You’ve insisted on dragging this stranger into everythingour family’s done for the last three months and we’re sick and tiredof it. Can’t you understand? It’s not like she’s family, for heaven’s sake.FRANKIE. Yes, she is! She’s our sister! (Silence. Rhonda Lynn givesa meek little wave. Honey Raye and Twink are dumbfounded, thenangry. They turn on Frankie.)HONEY RAYE. She’s our WHAT?!TWINK. And you’ve known all along?!PATSY. Well, so much for peace on earth, good will toward men.(Curtain.)

End of Act One


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ACT TWO

Scene 1

Lights come up on Frankie in the ladies’ room. She stands overthe sink and looks heavenward.

FRANKIE. Mama Eula, I hope you’re having a white Christmas upthere, ’cause down here, the Futrelle family Christmas has justturned mighty black. You would’ve been so ashamed at how uglyTwink and Honey Raye were when I told them who Rhonda Lynnreally is. I explained the reason we didn’t know about her being oursister is because Daddy never knew about her, either. Rhonda Lynn’smama only told her the truth right before she died. Then RhondaLynn tracked me down, we went to the courthouse together,searched the birth records and found out it was true. But Twink andHoney Raye weren’t having it. They upset Rhonda Lynn so bad, shewalked out over an hour ago. Why am I the only one who’s happyshe found us? Mama, I could sure use some help with this situationdown here. Oh, and one more thing: Could you also send me somepatience with Patsy Price? ’Cause I swear, if that stuck-up busybodymakes one more nasty remark about the Futrelles, chestnuts won’tbe the only things roasting on an open fire … (Blackout.)

Scene 2

Lights come up on a hallway behind the sanctuary. Geneva sitsin a chair calmly filing her nails. Honey Raye enters in a panic.

HONEY RAYE. Geneva! Geneva, the show’s supposed to start inten minutes, the sanctuary’s almost full and Doc Ballard says most


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of our cast should be home in bed!GENEVA. I’m wondering why any of this should matter to me.HONEY RAYE. ’Cause right now we are limping toward Bethlehemwith one Wise Man, an angel too fat to fly and half a polar bear. Wecan’t just let our show go down the toilet.GENEVA. Oh, so now it’s our show. Well, I’m not sure this old “gasbag” is available right now. (She studies her nails.) I’m pretty busy.HONEY RAYE. Please, Geneva, I am desperate. This ChristmasProgram’s gonna play on every TV in the Tri-County area and Icannot let it turn into one more life-long humiliation for me andmy family to bear! You’ve got to help me.GENEVA. So what I’m hearing is, you regret all the viciousremarks you made about my direction of the previous twenty-sevenChristmas Programs. And that you’ve realized my crowd-pleasinginterpretation wasn’t so dull and boring after all.HONEY RAYE. (Beat.) Yeah … what you said.GENEVA. You just seem so pitiful, I guess I should help you, butonly if you do the following: One, you give me full co-directoracknowledgement. Two, you order flowers every week fromBooKoo BoKay to spruce up your showroom at Wynette’s DinetteCity. And three, you throw in, at cost, that little cute chromebreakfast set in your display window. Delivery included.HONEY RAYE. You would actually blackmail me at a time like this?GENEVA. God helps those who help themselves.HONEY RAYE. (She fumes.) Oh, all right. Deal. GENEVA. Then, let’s move. If I’m going to save this show, I’ve gotto scrape together a cast out of the survivors of the pancake massacre.We’ll cram as many of the walking wounded onto that stage as we can… even if it’s the last thing they ever do.HONEY RAYE. Isn’t that a little inhumane?GENEVA. No, Babycakes, that’s show business. (They exit. Blackout.)


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Scene 3

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. G.J., in her Virgin Marycostume, applies make-up. Frankie enters from the sanctuary.

FRANKIE. Any sign of Rhonda Lynn?G.J. No, ma’am. But I can’t tell you how happy I am knowing Ms.Lampley’s my new aunt. Uh … you think there are any more rela-tives out there we don’t know about?FRANKIE. I don’t think so. But just to be on the safe side, let’skeep an open mind. I’m starting to get worried about RhondaLynn. And it’s not like I don’t have enough to worry about.G.J. Mama, I’m sure everything bad that’s going to happen hashappened. JOHN CURTIS. (He rushes in from the sanctuary.) No need topanic, but I’ve been waiting for Twink outside the ladies room. Justfound out, she’s not in there, never has been. We may be dealing withan escaped prisoner. (He pulls his pistol and exits to the parking lot.)G.J. ’Course, I could be wrong about that.FRANKIE. That does it. This has just become the worst night ofmy life.G.J. Now, Mama, all this stress is not good for you or the babies.Everything’s going to be fine. I just want you to know I’ve madethe decision to be here for you and Daddy and my new baby broth-ers as long as you need me.FRANKIE. You are so sweet. (She and G.J. hug.) That’s the onlyChristmas gift I need.G.J. Good, ’cause what I bought you probably won’t fit ’til youdrop at least fifty pounds. (Dub and Justin enter from the parkinglot. Dub’s in his Santa suit. Justin’s in his reindeer outfit without theantlers and nose.)FRANKIE. Oh, Dub! Your poor thing! (She starts to hug him andrecoils.) Good, Lord! That Santa suit smells like a tub full of deadfrogs.DUB. I know. I’m gonna burn it in the barrel out back with allthe Christmas wrappings.JUSTIN. Gina Jo, I need to talk to you.


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G.J. I’m sorry, Justin, but I have to go get in character. (She hur-ries out the door into the sanctuary.)JUSTIN. (He follows her.) No, wait, G.J.! Gina Jo! (He exits.)FRANKIE. Are you in pain? Did you pass the kidney stone?DUB. No, Doc Ballard says the stone’s probably lodged. I won’tfeel any more pain until it starts moving again. But Doc gave Santaa present. (He pulls a large prescription bottle from his jacket.) Whenthe stone heads for the exit, I take one of these super-duper painkillers and I’ll be so blissed-out, I’ll never even know what hap-pened. So, I’m going to go home and wait. I’m just sorry I can’t sitwith you through the show.FRANKIE. Oh, don’t think a thing about it. Just go!DUB. (He sets the bottle of pain pills on the table.) First I want tomake sure you’re doing okay, Dumplin’. Anything happening?FRANKIE. Nothing exciting to report. But everything else is in sucha turmoil. I accidentally blurted out the news about Rhonda Lynn.DUB. Oh, boy. How’d that go over?HONEY RAYE. (She races in from the sanctuary, snatches up a cos-tume.) Don’t you dare speak to me, Frances Anne! Why on earthyou would choose tonight, of all nights, to drop that bombshell, Iwill never know. I am so furious with you, I could just spit nails!(She flies back into the sanctuary.)FRANKIE. Oh, ’bout like you’d expect. (Blackout.)

Scene 4

Lights come up on a hallway behind the sanctuary. G.J. enterswith Justin on her heels.

JUSTIN. G.J., stop! Please. (She does so, but doesn’t meet his eyes.)What’s gotten into you lately? I know we both meant it when we said“I love you” that night after the awards dinner at your Bull SemenSales and Service Seminar. But now it’s like you’re trying to avoid me.G.J. Don’t be silly. I’m not avoiding you. Okay, bye. (She exits.)JUSTIN. (He’s deflated.) Glad we got that cleared up. JOHN CURTIS. (He enters brandishing his pistol, checks the hall.)Brother Justin, you might want to move to a more secure area. We


37

may have a felon on the loose.JUSTIN. Who cares? I’ve got problems of my own right now.JOHN CURTIS. Well, who licked the red off your candy?JUSTIN. I’m desperate for advice. Do you know anything aboutwomen? JOHN CURTIS. Well, I have acquired a sizeable amount ofknowledge regarding the fairer sex. However, “fairer sex” may be amisnomer because in my experience few, if any, have actually beenfair to me.JUSTIN. Look, John Curtis, I made up my mind to ask Gina Joto marry me on Christmas Eve and I bought her this ring. See? (Hefishes the box out of his pocket and hands it to John Curtis.)JOHN CURTIS. Say, that’s a beaut. This should make Miss GinaJo a very happy, young lady.JUSTIN. That’s what I was hoping, but all of a sudden she’s sortof backed away from me and I don’t know what’s gone wrong. JOHN CURTIS. Ah yes. It’s what we call the PFR — that’s PrimalFear Response for you civilians. You see, the female of the species isfar more perceptive than the male and the instant she registers fear,she has the good sense to flee. This explains why more male perpsare apprehended. The way to outmaneuver her natural instincts isto take her by surprise. My advice? An extraordinary proposal.JUSTIN. Extraordinary? Like how?JOHN CURTIS. Take my parents for example. Daddy knew howmuch Mama loved Moon Pies, so he tucked her engagement ringright into the center of one. Now, as you may know, my Mama isa nibbler. The woman always works the edges off a Moon Pie firstbefore she goes after the center. Well, when she finally bit into themiddle, there that diamond was, sparkling in that fluffy, white goo.(He chokes up.) Give me a moment. That part always tears me up.JUSTIN. That’s it! Thank you. Thank you, John Curtis. You haverenewed my hope. (He pumps John Curtis’s hand and runs out.)JOHN CURTIS. (Calling after him.) Just here to protect and toserve! You go get her, Buddy! (Then.) Preacher Boy ain’t got aprayer. Durn! Now I’ve got a hankering for a Moon Pie …(Blackout.)


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Scene 5

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Frankie and Dub pacefrom opposite sides of the room, each holding her/his achingback, stomachs protruding. Their paths cross in the middle ofthe room.

DUB. How you doin’?FRANKIE. Hangin’ in. You?DUB. Same. (They continue to pace.) I just wish Justin would comeback so I can get out of here. (Twink enters from the sanctuary.) Hey,Twink. Good to see you outta the slammer. And you did a heck ofa job cleaning up Highway Twelve out by the Rendering Plant.TWINK. Thanks, Dub. I — (She sniffs the air.) Good Lord, yousmell like — DUB and FRANKIE. We know.TWINK. So, did your wife tell you the big family secret she’s beenkeeping from us? She was finally thoughtful enough to mentionthe fact that we have a sister we never knew about!FRANKIE. I’m sorry if y’all don’t like the way I’ve handled this,but considering what you and Honey Raye have done to theFutrelle family name in the past few years, you are in no positionto pass judgment!TWINK. Dub, would you please tell your wife that I do not needanother sister. In fact, I’m not even sure I want to keep the twoI’ve got.FRANKIE. Twink, we can’t pretend life doesn’t throw us a fewcurves now and then … (Pointing to her stomach.) I give you ExhibitA. But we all have to find a way to deal with change. So as far asRhonda Lynn goes, I suggest you build a bridge and get over it.JOHN CURTIS. (He enters from the sanctuary.) Twink Futrelle!You told me you were going to be in the ladies room. However,when Ozella Smoot finished heavin’ and staggered out of saidladies room, she reported you had never been in there. TWINK. Look, I needed to be alone. That’s why I was up in thepreacher’s study.


39

JOHN CURTIS. I’ll need a witness to verify that fact and that youdid not violate your work-release privilege by leaving the premises.TWINK. You’ll just have to trust me, John Curtis. JOHN CURTIS. I see. Well, I hope you are telling the verifiabletruth, because I just got a call from Dispatch and your formerfiancé, Wiley Hicks, has been reported as missing.TWINK. (She’s way too calm.) Is that so?DUB. Good Lord, Twink. What have you done?FRANKIE. Haven’t you gotten yourself into enough trouble with-out pulling another stunt?TWINK. What? I haven’t done anything to Wiley.JOHN CURTIS. Look, the Sheriff wants me to proceed with thesearch for the missing person. Maryjack’s beside herself and theentire Cantata at the Baptist Church is in peril. Frankie, I’m entrust-ing you with the custody of my prisoner until I return. (To Twink.)I surely hope you weren’t involved in this. (He hands Frankie hishandcuffs.) Cuff her if you have to. (He exits into the parking lot.)FRANKIE. You know, Twink, for someone who hasn’t been ableto talk about anything but revenge all afternoon, it’s mighty suspi-cious that you’re suddenly tight-lipped on the topic. TWINK. Maybe I’m just a little bit preoccupied with the news thatI have another sister and that my very own daddy was a womanizer.FRANKIE. He was not! Rhonda Lynn was born months beforeMama and Daddy were married. I told you he never knew!RAYNERD. (He enters from the sanctuary in a shepherd’s costume.He pulls his wagon.) Don’t you just love Christmas? I do. I loveChristmas. Even though that mean little drummer boy stuck thepolar bear head on that sheep and nobody can get it off, but I thinkit looks real cute. (He stops at the buffet table then turns to Frankie.)You ate all them corn dogs, didn’t you? (He goes to Dub.) You werea good Santa Claus at the Super SmartMart, and if you didn’t smellso bad, they might’ve hired you at the mall. DUB. Okay, that’s it. I can’t wait for Justin. I’m going home.GENEVA. (She and Honey Raye burst in from the sanctuary.) You’renot going anywhere, Dub Dubberly. The cameras are ready, thechurch is packed and those folks are expecting a celebrity to appear.You’re coming with me.DUB. Why? I’m no celebrity.HONEY RAYE. No, you’re not. But Santa Claus is.FRANKIE. Dub cannot go out there. He’s sick and needs to gethome.


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GENEVA. Which he’s welcome to do … right after he opens theshow for us. FRANKIE. I can’t believe you’re doing this.GENEVA. Don’t blame me. It wasn’t my idea to throw out a showthat’s worked for twenty-seven years and change everything around.RAYNERD. (He picks up the bottle of pain killers and shakes it.)Hey, I could use a little bottle like this. Can I have it?HONEY RAYE. (She barely pays attention to Raynerd.) Yeah, goahead. (He pockets the pill bottle.) Look, Geneva, I can change any-thing I like. I’m the director.GENEVA. Correction. You are the co-director. Which is why youwill co-operate with me now. You dragged me into this mess, but I’mgonna get us out! Okay, the show’s startin’. Vámanos, muchachos.DUB. Boy howdy, the things you women get me into. (Dub,Honey Raye and Geneva exit into the sanctuary.)RAYNERD. (To Frankie.) I just love Christmas … even thoughSanta stinks so bad it makes you want to urp. (He exits. Blackout.)

Scene 6

Lights come up on a hallway behind the sanctuary. G.J. tip-toes through the hall. Justin sneaks up behind her.

JUSTIN. G.J.! (She yelps and jumps back.) Oh, I’m sorry. Look, Iknow this is a big night for you and the Program’s what’s on yourmind, but I thought you might like a little snack before you go on.(He holds out a brownie he’s been hiding behind his back.) Here. It’sa brownie. A special brownie. Just for you.G.J. That’s very nice of you, Justin. Matter of fact, I’ve been toonervous to eat a thing. I’m starved. JUSTIN. Go ahead, then. Take a little bite. G.J. (She pops the entire brownie into her mouth, chews and swallowswith difficulty.) Boy, that had some big walnuts in it. Well, thanksagain. Bye-bye. (She exits.) JUSTIN. (He is horrified.) But … But you just … GENEVA. (She storms in carrying a costume.) There you are. Wejust lost Wendall Poovey to the Pancake Plague. So, forget doing


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the opening remarks. You’re playing Joseph.JUSTIN. But … but I haven’t been to any rehearsals. I don’t knowany of the lines.GENEVA. (She puts the costume on him.) You’re a preacher. Youknow darn well Joseph didn’t have that much say in the whole deal,anyway. (She puts a headdress into his hands.) Now slap that on yourhead and haul butt to Bethlehem. (They exit. Blackout.)

Scene 7

A spotlight comes up on the “stage” in the sanctuary. AChristmas-y trumpet fanfare plays over the church speakers.Honey Raye walks into the spotlight and addresses the audience.

HONEY RAYE. I’d like to welcome y’all this evening to theTabernacle of the Lamb’s Annual Christmas Program. It’s wonder-ful to see this church filled with friends and neighbors ready tofocus on the real reason for the season, remembering it’s about thespiritual and not the material. In fact, I was just talking to one ofmy valued customers down at Wynette’s Dinette City where, nowthrough New Year’s Eve, we are having our big, End-of-the-YearTwenty-five Percent Off Sale, and we agreed it’s such a pity thatChristmas has become so commercialized. Anyway, thank you forcoming. Now, tonight, you’ll see lots of non-traditional momentsin our Program — GENEVA. (She sticks her head into the spotlight.) Mixed in withtraditional favorites from the previous, much-loved twenty-sevenproductions.HONEY RAYE. (She is miffed and covers as she pushes Genevaaway.) Now, I know you’re all looking forward to the celebrityguest, as promised — GENEVA. (She sticks her head into the spotlight again.) Although fortwenty-seven years, we got along just fine without a celebrity guest.HONEY RAYE. And I know you’re expecting Cee Cee Windham,but we found somebody even better. So, without further ado, wepresent Bethlehem-A-Palooza! with our celebrity guest for theevening … none other than … SANTA CLAUS!!!


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DUB. (He hesitantly enters the spotlight. Honey Raye leads the audi-ence in applause, hands him an index card. She and Geneva exit. Dubreads from the card.) It is a pleasure to celebrate Christmas Eve withmy fans. I want to thank all of you for watching my morning cook-ing show. And in the spirit of giving, I’m here to share with you therecipe for my famous Butternut Squash Lasagna — HONEY RAYE. (She darts into the light, yanks the card out of hishand and whispers.) Wing it! (She exits.)DUB. Uh … so, boys and girls, remember that I am a bigChristmas celebrity, but … uh … there’s a star in the Christmas fir-mament that’s much bigger than me. And we’re here to celebratehis birth tonight. So, Ho, Ho, Ho-Ohhh! (He groans and grabs hisback. The kidney stone is moving. He tries to pull himself together.)Merry Christmas! And … uh … (Another horrible pain hits. Hescreams and grabs his back.) OH, HOLY NIGHT!!! I mean …(Another one hits.) OHHH, COME ALL YE FAITHFUL!GENEVA. (She swoops into the spotlight. As she drags Dub off, sheaddresses the audience.) So, come with us now to the little stable inthe City of David, long, long, ago. (They exit the spotlight.)DUB. (Unseen, he screams in torment.) OHHH, LITTLE TOWNOF BETHLEHEM!!! (Blackout.)

Scene 8

A light comes up on another part of the “stage” in the sanctu-ary. G.J., as the Virgin Mary, kneels beside the manger. Aninstrumental version of “Away in a Manger” plays throughoutthe scene.

G.J. My, oh, my. It sure is lonely here in the stable. I do wishJoseph was here with us. I wonder where he could be. (Louder.) Isaid … I wonder where he could be.JUSTIN. (He enters abruptly as Joseph.) Sorry, Mary. I was … uh,just double-checking to make sure there was no room in the inn.(Beat.) Full up.G.J. (She’s surprised and whispers.) Where’s Wendall?JUSTIN. (Whispers.) He’s sick. (Then, to the audience.) So, here we


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are in the stable and … uh … I’m sure the cattle are lowing … and,uh … why, look. The baby awakes. And isn’t that interesting? Thelittle Lord Jesus no crying he makes.G.J. Yes, Joseph, we have been blessed on this very special night.And behold, a large, bright star hovereth over our humble stable.JUSTIN. Uh … Could we just hold off on that for a minute? Ireally can’t wait any longer. Will you marry me?G.J. (She’s horrified but covers.) Why, Joseph. Don’t be silly. We’realready married. Remember our big wedding back in Galilee?JUSTIN. (He drops to one knee.) Gina Jo Dubberly, before Godand all these witnesses, I love you and want us to share our livesand be a family. So, I’m asking you, will you marry me?G.J. No! Don’t ask me. Because I can’t! I just can’t! (She exits.)JUSTIN. (He’s aware of the audience and speaks to the doll in themanger.) Uh … well, son, that was pretty embarrassing. DUB. (In excruciating pain, he lurches across stage.) I can’t take thispain anymore! Kill me! Somebody shoot me in the head! (He exits.)JUSTIN. (He addresses the doll.) But not as embarrassing as that.(Blackout.)

Scene 9

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Frankie stands at thedoor to the kitchen and yells inside.

FRANKIE. It’s your own fault, Twink. So just stay in there ’til youcool off. (Rhonda Lynn enters from the parking lot wearing a coat andgloves.) Rhonda Lynn! I’ve been worried to death. Where have youbeen?RHONDA LYNN. I went for a drive. I just needed some time tothink and calm down. Hey, who were you just hollering at?FRANKIE. Twink. She’s been driving me crazy because I didn’t tellher about you before now. And my nerves are so frazzled, I couldn’ttake it. I handcuffed her to the oven door.RHONDA LYNN. Wow. Remind me never to tick you off. FRANKIE. I’m so sorry for causing this mess. I should’ve toldHoney Raye and Twink when they had time to absorb it.


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RHONDA LYNN. Darlin’, the truth is the truth and it had to betold. I’m disappointed with the way they took it, but hey, I’m avery positive person. I know I can find ways to win them over.HONEY RAYE. (She races in from the sanctuary and runs to the cos-tume rack.) Wise Man down! Wise Man down! Where’s the frank-incense? I’m going on! (She grabs a beard, a robe and a crown andflies back into the sanctuary.)RHONDA LYNN. But I don’t think I’ll start on Honey Rayeuntil tomorrow.FRANKIE. Good idea. (Unseen, Patsy enters from the sanctuary andstops. She soaks up every word.)RHONDA LYNN. You know, it’s unbelievable to me that I spentmy whole life ’til now not knowing I had an entire family just onecounty over.FRANKIE. I admire the courage it took to come find us. In thatway, you’re a lot like Daddy Brice. RHONDA LYNN. Oh, I love hearing that.FRANKIE. I’m sorry he’s been gone for so long. He really was agood man.RHONDA LYNN. I’ll just have to depend on you to catch me upon who our daddy was. I want to learn everything I can about ourfamily. (She and Frankie hug.)PATSY. Then I suggest you contact the State Department ofMental Health. No doubt they’ve done a case study on this familythat reaches back for generations.FRANKIE. Patsy Price, I can’t believe you’re eavesdropping.PATSY. Who has a choice, considering you Futrelles have made acottage industry of airing your dirty laundry in public. (To RhondaLynn.) You know, since only a few of us are privy to this gruesomesecret, it’s not too late for you to catch the next Greyhound out ofFayro. Surely, you can fry chalupas anywhere.RHONDA LYNN. I resent that. I’m proud to be a Futrelle.PATSY. You won’t be. The Futrelles have reached the lowest rungof the social ladder. But what’s amazing is, just when everyone issure they’ve hit rock bottom and can’t go any lower, the SistersFutrelle pick up their shovels and start digging.FRANKIE. That’s enough, Patsy. What did you come in here for?PATSY. Apparently it’s up to me to elevate this hog-calling into aproduction worthy of being televised and I need — (Just then,Raynerd enters from the sanctuary.)RHONDA LYNN. Raynerd, Darlin’, aren’t you supposed to be


45

onstage?RAYNERD. Yes, but everything’s slowed down because MizGeneva’s trying to catch that Santa Claus. He’s running all over thesanctuary screaming and yelling. You ask me, I don’t think he’sright in the head.FRANKIE. Oh, poor Dub. The stone must be moving again.RAYNERD. Hey, Miz Patsy. Want a ride in my wagon?PATSY. The answer now and always will be “no.” It’s having todeal with people like you that’s given me this terrible headache. (ToFrankie and Rhonda Lynn.) I need something to get rid of the pain.RHONDA LYNN. I’ve got a sledge hammer in my van we could try.FRANKIE. Good one, Rhonda Lynn. RAYNERD. (He takes the bottle of pain killers from his pocket.) Youcan take these.PATSY. (She snatches the bottle and shakes two pills into her hand.)It’s only sheer desperation that allows me to touch somethingyou’ve pulled from your pocket. (She gulps down the pills and putsthe pill bottle on the table.)FRANKIE. Raynerd, hon’, go back out there and get ready to goon stage. I’m sure the other shepherds are waiting for you … if anyof them are still able to stand. RAYNERD. Okay. Then I better go load that sheep in my wagon.(He heads toward the sanctuary.) I just love Christmas. I love ArborDay, too, but it don’t have any good songs. (He exits.)PATSY. (Re: Raynerd.) Face it, the wheel is turning, but the ham-ster is dead. (Then.) Well, it’s time for me to step in and save thisshow with my moving and memorable interpretation of theChristmas Story. You girls will just have to continue swirling downthe drain without me. (She exits into the sanctuary.)RHONDA LYNN. That woman makes my skin crawl. I don’tknow how any of you can stand to — (She picks up the pill bottle.)Oh, my Lord! Frankie, what Patsy just took is not asprin!FRANKIE. (She waddles to Rhonda Lynn.) These are Dub’s painkillers. Doc Ballard told him one of these things is strong enoughto knock out a horse!RHONDA LYNN. We should tell Patsy before it hits her. FRANKIE and RHONDA LYNN. (Beat.) Naaah!!! (Blackout.)


46

Scene 10

A light comes up on a hallway behind the sanctuary. Justin, stilldressed as Joseph, looks heavenward.

JUSTIN. Heavenly Father … and you’ll note I omitted the word“kind.” That’s right, I did it on purpose. Because I’ve been askingyou to help me propose to Gina Jo, letting you take the lead on thisand look what’s happened! Not very “kind” in my book. So nowI’ve got no fiancée and no engagement ring, which — need Iremind you — is not exactly in a place I can retrieve it from at pres-ent. So I may as well be honest with you, I am seriously consider-ing a career change. There’s an opening for Assistant Managerdown at the Bojangles Fried Chicken that I’m thinking I’ll applyfor. How would you like that? I mean, you’ve let me down prettybad today. I don’t know anything worse you could put me through.(Just then, Dub ricochets past Justin, clutching his back and yelling inmortal agony. He exits on the opposite side of the stage.) Uhhh … onsecond thought, I think I’ll stick with preaching. Amen. (Blackout.)

Scene 11

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Frankie sits as RhondaLynn straightens up the buffet table.

RHONDA LYNN. … and the farmer’s truck broke down, rightnext to a mental institution. One of the patients yelled through thefence, “Hey! Whatcha gonna do with all that manure?” The farmersaid, “I’m gonna go home and put it on my strawberries.” Themental patient yelled back, “Well, we may be crazy, but we putwhipped cream on ours!” (They both laugh. Unseen by Frankie andRhonda Lynn, Twink tiptoes out of the kitchen, carrying the oven doorthat’s still attached to her wrist by the handcuffs. She heads toward the


47

exit to the parking lot.)FRANKIE. Lord, nothing beats a good manure joke. (Then, with-out looking.) Twink Futrelle, don’t you move another inch towardthat door! (They turn to Twink.)RHONDA LYNN. (Low, to Frankie.) I’ll go call John Curtis. Lookslike we’re gonna need backup. (She exits into the kitchen.)TWINK. Look, I’ve had it with the shabby treatment I’m gettingaround here. Everyone is so suspicious of me.FRANKIE. Well, maybe the fact that you burned down half thetown has colored our opinions.HONEY RAYE. (Dressed in a Wise Man’s costume, she flies in fromthe sanctuary.) Gotta have an angel. Gotta have an angel. Frankie,get me that halo and those wings now, now, NOW! FRANKIE. Okay, but only because you asked so nice. (She goes tothe costume rack.)HONEY RAYE. Good Lord, not now! (She strips off the crown andthe beard.) I am on fire! I don’t know why they call it menopause.There is no pause to it!TWINK. Honey, Raye, if you see John Curtis before I do, tell himI’m ready to leave. I’ve had about all the fun tonight I can stand. HONEY RAYE. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m trying to bail outthe Titanic with a thimble here, okay? I’m not going to tell JohnCurtis anything, but there’s something I am going to tell you. I’vewatched you putting the moves on him every chance you get. Youcan just keep your hands off John Curtis.TWINK. You only go out with him when you can’t snag the dateyou really want. You’re just using him.HONEY RAYE. He’s never seemed to mind.GENEVA. (She enters from the sanctuary.) Okay people, listen up.Wiley Hicks has been located. He was stripped down to his jockeyshorts, strapped to the cannon in front of the VFW Hall and cov-ered in green dye. He had a big sign hung around his neck: “I’mgettin’ nothin’ for Christmas, ’cause I ain’t been nothin’ but bad.”The gals from the Red Hats were out caroling when they foundhim. Once they quit laughing, they called the police.FRANKIE. Oh, my God! Is Wiley alright?GENEVA. Half-frozen, but he’ll live. Sorry, Twink. JOHN CURTIS. (He enters from the parking lot.) Hey, folks, I’vegot some info for you. Wiley Hicks has been found — GENEVA. I already told them that.JOHN CURTIS. And he was covered in —


48

GENEVA. I already told them that, too.JOHN CURTIS. Darn it, Geneva. It was my news.GENEVA. Then you should’ve gotten here a little faster.JOHN CURTIS. Did you tell them he was blindfolded and didn’tsee who his attacker was?GENEVA. No, I didn’t know that part.JOHN CURTIS. Ah ha! Then until you’re wearing a badge onyour chest, I advise you to keep your lip zipped.HONEY RAYE. So, Twink, been by the VFW lately?TWINK. I’m telling y’all, I didn’t do it. But I sure hope whoeverdid, took pictures, ’cause I would love an eight-by-ten glossy.FRANKIE. (She hands Honey Raye the costume.) Here’s your angelcostume.HONEY RAYE. (She grabs it.) Oh, my God, I forgot! I’m on.GENEVA. And that’s the other thing I have to tell you. DoycePender just had a relapse and it doesn’t look like Elvis is leaving themen’s room any time soon.HONEY RAYE. Oh, no! It was going to be the highlight of theshow! I was so proud of that idea.GENEVA. Probably because it was the only good one you had.There’s only one person who can save this show now. (She turns toJohn Curtis.) Deputy Buntner, it’s time for you to put on some bluesuede shoes.JOHN CURTIS. Why, I … I can’t. I mean, I just … it just seemssacrilegious.GENEVA. God won’t mind a little rock ’n’ roll on Christmas Eve.JOHN CURTIS. It’s not that. I’m talking about impersonatingThe King. It just feels wrong.HONEY RAYE. But we all know you can sing. We need you. Doit for me.JOHN CURTIS. I just don’t think I could bring myself to do it.TWINK. Then would you do it for me?JOHN CURTIS. (He hesitates, then.) Oh, alright. If it’ll save theshow. But I draw the line at hip-swivelin’ in front of the HolyFamily. I have to be able to live with myself. (Twink gives HoneyRaye a triumphant look and leads John Curtis to the sanctuary. HoneyRaye, fuming, follows them as they exit.) FRANKIE. Can John Curtis really pull this off?GENEVA. Not without the hip-swivelin’. And I never thought you’dhear me say this, but thank God Patsy Price is up next … (Blackout.)


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Scene 12

A spotlight comes up on the “stage” in the sanctuary. HoneyRaye has barely finished getting into the angel costume as shesteps into the light. A shiny star is still prominently stitchedover each breast.

HONEY RAYE. And now we come to the moment in our program— (A loud wolf whistle is heard offstage. She looks down, quickly coversherself and turns around to look for the culprit. She is unaware there isa large star stitched on her behind.) I’d like to remind whoever it waswho did that, you are still in a house of worship. (Then, to the audi-ence.) As is tradition on Christmas Eve, we will now have a readingof the Christmas Story from the Book of Luke. And here to do thehonors, is none other than Fayro’s own, Patsy Price. (Patsy enters,wobbles toward Honey Raye, doesn’t stop and keeps on going.) Patsy.Patsy? Over here.PATSY. Huh? Oh, sorry. (She crosses back and gets into place. Then,to Honey Raye:) You’re not going to just stand there and stare, areyou? (Honey Raye exits. Patsy opens her Bible.) “And it came to passin those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus.”That’s a funny name. (She looks at the audience.) You want to knowanother funny name? Nelbert. (She laughs.) Nel-bert. (She laughsagain.) Sorry … back to the Bible. (She reads.) “So there went outa decree that all the world should be taxed.” And they’d still be try-ing to do that but some of us wised up and moved our assets to theCayman Islands. (She gets tickled, loosens up.) Anyhoo, back to ourstory … You know who else writes a good story? Danielle Steele.But I doubt she’ll ever top Passion’s Promise. (She wobbles.) Youknow, it would be a lot easier for me to read this if you peoplewould stop spinning around. Seriously, I want you to stop … Oh,no, wait! I know what I really want. I want to tell you this — (Shestarts to sing sultrily.)

UP ON THE HOUSETOP REINDEER PAUSEOUT JUMPS GOOD OLD SANTA CLAUSDOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY WITH LOTS OF

TOYS


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ALL FOR THE LITTLE ONES, CHRISTMAS JOYS(She starts to dance provocatively.)

HO, HO HO! WHO WOULDN’T GO? HO, HO HO!WHO WOULDN’T GO?

(Honey Raye and Geneva, on opposite sides of the “stage” both try tocatch Patsy as she shimmies past them. They fail.)

UP ON THE HOUSETOP, CLICK, CLICK,CLICKDOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY WITH OLD

SAINT NICK(Geneva hurries onstage and hauls Patsy off. Blackout.)

Scene 13

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Dub, still in his Santasuit, is on his back on the downstage left table. Frankie hoversover him.

FRANKIE. You sure you wouldn’t rather have a chair?DUB. I’m not moving. This kidney stone’s lodged again and I’mnot about to risk knockin’ it loose one more time. FRANKIE. Then at least take one of your pain pills.DUB. Much as I want to, I’ve decided it’s more important for meto be coherent when you go into labor. I’m gonna be there for you.FRANKIE. That’s probably the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to— (She puts her hand on his arm.)DUB. Don’t touch me! You’ll make the stone move!FRANKIE. Just look at us. Aren’t we the spry, young things to bebringing two babies into the world?DUB. Yeah, that and the fact that we’re in no financial position toraise two more kids pretty well completes the picture.FRANKIE. We won’t get any sleep.DUB. They’ll tear up the house.FRANKIE. We’ll never have anything nice.DUB. Everything we own will be sticky for years to come.FRANKIE. (Beat. Then, sincerely:) Ooh, I can’t wait ’til they get here.DUB. Me, too. I’m so excited.G.J. (She enters from the sanctuary, in costume, mascara smeared down


51

her cheeks. She attempts an upbeat tone.) Why, hi, Mama. Hi, Daddy.DUB. Hi, Baby Girl. You come to check on your poor, ol’ parents?FRANKIE. G.J., you’re crying.G.J. (She sobs.) No, I’m not.DUB. Sure she is. That’s because Justin proposed and she’s just sohappy she can’t help it. Right, Princess?G.J. (She bawls.) I told him noooooooooooo.FRANKIE. Why, Sweetheart?G.J. You’ve said over and over how you’re both too old to be raisingkids again. (Unseen by the others, Justin enters from the sanctuary, stillin costume.) And since Tina Jo’s married and Aunt Honey’s got herdinette business and Aunt Twink’s in jail, it’s up to me to help you.So, I’m just gonna concentrate on inseminating during the day andtaking care of babies at night. Getting married’ll just have to wait.JUSTIN. That’s the reason you turned me down? I thought it wasbecause you didn’t love me anymore.G.J. Oh, no, Justin. I love you with all my heart, but I’ve been try-ing to love you less and not be around you so much, because Iknew you were going to ask me to marry you. I didn’t want it tohurt so bad when I had to say no.DUB. (To Frankie.) Lord, were these two made for each other, orwhat?FRANKIE. Gina Jo, that’s so sweet. But Dub and I are going tobe just fine raising these boys. We’re looking forward to it. So, ifyou really want to make us happy, go find happiness for yourself.And if you want a little advice, (Re: Justin.) I think it could bestanding right beside you.G.J. I was just trying to do the right thing.JUSTIN. And now you have your chance. (He gets down on oneknee, then looks heavenward.) Okay, can we try this again? (Then.)Gina Jo, will you marry me?G.J. (She turns to her parents. Frankie nods a vigorous “yes”; Dubgives her a thumbs up. Back to Justin.) Yes, I will marry you.DUB. You sure about joining this family, son?JUSTIN. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my whole life.DUB. Okay, but remember, the toughest years of a marriage arethe ones after the wedding.JUSTIN. I’ll bear that in mind. (He and G.J. kiss and embrace.) DUB. Well, so far tonight we’ve added a fry cook and a preacherto the family. G.J. Oh, Justin, I’ve been so miserable trying to stay away from


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you, in fact, it’s made me sick at my stomach.JUSTIN. Uh … it’s probably something else doing that. Youknow the brownie you ate? I hid your engagement ring in there.FRANKIE. You what?!JUSTIN. I was just trying to make the whole thing more dramatic.DUB. And in just a little while, I bet it’s gonna be.G.J. Oh. Well … it is the thought that counts. And what a veryunusual way to get an engagement ring. I can’t wait to see it … Iguess.GENEVA. (She flies in from the sanctuary.) Okay, people, listen up.You’ve just missed the moment we’ve been waitin’ for our entirelives. Patsy Price made a complete fool of herself in front of half thepopulation of Fayro.FRANKIE. Oh, I wish I’d seen that.GENEVA. You will, every year on cable access. Now, I’ve gottamove fast. Raynerd Chisum’s onstage alone and I’ve got to find away to lure him off. G.J., hand me that pan of brownies. G.J. (She picks it up and turns to Justin.) There’s no jewelry in therest of these, right?JUSTIN. Not that I’m aware of.GENEVA. Do I want to know what any of that means?FRANKIE, DUB, G.J. and JUSTIN. No! (Geneva grabs the browniesand exits. Blackout.)

Scene 14

A spotlight comes up on Raynerd in his shepherd costume, hiswagon at his side. He’s taken Patsy’s place on the “stage” in thesanctuary.

RAYNERD. I just love Christmas. Bet y’all do, too. (He looksaround, then back to the audience.) See, this is the part of the programwhere Miz Patsy was gonna tell the Christmas story, but I don’t thinkshe’s coming back. But you can’t do this right without the story andI know how to say it real good ’cause I just love Christmas. (He clearshis throat, then.) “And there were in the same country shepherdsabiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night, and, lo,


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the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lordshone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angelsaid unto them, fear not: For, behold, I bring you good tidings ofgreat joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this dayin the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And thisshall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddlingclothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel amultitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, glory toGod in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”(Beat.) Well, there you go. Now I’m gonna go get me some fruitcakeif Miz Frankie hasn’t eat it all up. I just love Christmas. (He exits.(Blackout.) [Authors’ Note: Raynerd’s delivery of the Bible passagesshould be sincere, simple and real and SHOULD NOT be played forcomic effect.]

Scene 15

Lights come up on the fellowship hall. Frankie hovers over Dub,who is still lying on the table. G.J. and Justin are kissing.

DUB. They still at it?FRANKIE. Oh, yeah. And it doesn’t look like it’s going to end anytime soon.DUB. Then, give me a hand, Sugar. If we don’t break ’em up, thosetwo are gonna suck all the oxygen right out of this room. (She helpshim sit up, just as Honey Raye and Twink enter from the sanctuary.G.J. and Justin come out of the clinch.)TWINK. Y’all won’t believe what just happened. FRANKIE. The way things are going tonight, don’t be so sure.HONEY RAYE. No, this is a good thing. After Patsy Price almosttanked the program, Raynerd Chisum got up and recited theChristmas Story by heart.TWINK. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it told so beautifully.HONEY RAYE. That sweet, little man just saved my show. Hegave us a second chance.G.J. Well, that is what Christmas is all about, right? Second chances?JUSTIN. She’s right. On that very first Christmas, mankind was


54

given a second chance. They really drive that one home at theSeminary.DUB. Well, the whole deal is kinda dependent on that concept.G.J. Hey! When you really think about it, a lot of us have beengetting second chances. I got a second chance to accept Justin’smarriage proposal — HONEY RAYE. TWINK.Oh, Shug, that’s great! Congratulations!G.J. And Daddy, you and Mama are getting a second chance to beparents. Aunt Twink, the state of Texas is giving you a second chancecome this May. And Aunt Honey Raye, you directing this ChristmasProgram gave you a second chance to fix your terrible reputation.HONEY RAYE. Hey, my reputation’s not that — Oh, who am Ikidding?FRANKIE. (To Twink and Honey Raye.) Well, since we’re all gettingsecond chances, the two of you might want to think about givingyour new sister one. I mean, whether we’re born into it or go outand find it, isn’t family the best gift of all? TWINK. (Beat. Then, to Honey Raye.) Well … it is Christmas.RHONDA LYNN. (She bursts through the door from the sanctuary.)It’s unbelievable what’s going on out there. I didn’t think anythingcould top what Raynerd just did, but then John Curtis walked onand I swear, he was The King. When he sang, “Love Thee Tender”folks stood up on the pews and screamed! (John Curtis swaggers infrom the sanctuary, still in costume.)JOHN CURTIS. The King is in the house!RHONDA LYNN. John Curtis, you rock!JOHN CURTIS. (A la Elvis.) Why, thank you. Thank you verymuch.GENEVA. (She roars in from the sanctuary.) Okay, people, listenup. It’s official. For some reason, those folks out there think this hasbeen the funniest, most excitin’ and uplifting Christmas programthey’ve ever seen. HONEY RAYE. You’re kiddin! Don’t they know — GENEVA. Don’t question it, just take the credit. It’s alwaysworked for me. Now, here’s the thing: Ozella Smoot pulled ittogether and she’s finishing up “O Holy Night.” So, I say we getout there and wrap this sucker up while everyone’s still on a high. HONEY RAYE. Let’s take it on home with a group sing-along.GENEVA. You do know your stuff. Play your cards right and we’llbe directing the Easter Pageant together. Okay, people. Forward!


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(She leads the charge out into the sanctuary. G.J. and Justin follow her.) DUB. You sure you can do this?FRANKIE. I think so. How about you?DUB. Sugar Bear, as long as we’re together, I think we can getthrough anything. (They kiss.)FRANKIE. Remember you said that, ’cause I just had my firstcontraction. (She grabs his hand. They exit.)JOHN CURTIS. (He pulls Twink to him.) You know, Twink, I don’tcare if it was you who hijacked Wiley. He got what he deserved. Thisinvestigation is closed. (He dips her and kisses her.) Now come on,ladies, let’s make this church house rock. (He swaggers to the exit.) HONEY RAYE. G.J. was wrong. John Curtis is your secondchance, Twink … and I’m happy for you. Especially since he’s notgoing to bring you up on charges for what you did to Wiley tonight.TWINK. For the last time, I didn’t touch him! You honestly thinkI could kidnap Wiley, dye him green, then hoist him up onto thatcannon? Come on! What woman is strong enough to … (Beat. Sheand Honey Raye stare at each other. They turn to Rhonda Lynn.)HONEY RAYE. Uh … Rhonda Lynn? I’ve noticed you’re wearinggloves. Aren’t you a little warm?RHONDA LYNN. No, I’m fine.TWINK. Why don’t you take them off, anyway?RHONDA LYNN. (She hesitates, then slowly pulls the gloves off.Her hands are bright green.) I told you I was strong from lifting allthose sacks of potatoes.TWINK. You’re the one who did that to Wiley? RHONDA LYNN. Well, when you two reacted the way you did tothe news that I’m your sister, I went for a drive to clear my head. Isaw Wiley Hicks walking toward First Baptist with a smug look onhis face and … something just snapped. I slammed on the brakes,threw a tablecloth over his head, tossed him into the van, strippedhim and poured green food coloring all over him before I knew whatI was doin’. Then somehow I wound up at the VFW, strapping himto the cannon. And that metal was cold. Wiley screamed like a girl.HONEY RAYE. But why did you do it? RHONDA LYNN. Isn’t that what sisters are supposed to do …stand up for each other, no matter what it takes? TWINK. That depends. Did you get any pictures?RHONDA LYNN. Enough to fill a scrapbook, Darlin’. HONEY RAYE. Twink, I believe we are looking at a passionate,impulsive woman who puts family first to the extent she will bend


56

the law for nothing more than pure, petty revenge. TWINK. Oh, my Lord! She really is a Futrelle! (To Rhonda Lynn.)Welcome to the family, Sister. (The three of them hug. Blackout.)

Scene 16

Lights come up on the “stage” in the sanctuary. Geneva takes astep forward. Frankie, Dub, G.J., Justin, John Curtis, Twinkand Rhonda Lynn stand behind her. Honey Raye joins Genevain front of the group.

GENEVA. Okay, people, listen up. We’re mighty proud y’allcould come out tonight and celebrate Christmas Eve with us hereat The Tabernacle of the Lamb. We’ve had a good time and hopeyou did, too.JUSTIN. (Stepping forward.) And those of you watching at homeon cable access, come on down and see us some Sunday. There’salways something excitin’ going on.HONEY RAYE. Now, let’s wrap up this Bethlehem-A-Palooza witha good, old-fashioned sing-along. We’ll do the first verse of “HarkThe Herald Angels Sing” and finish it off with “Joy to the World.”GENEVA. Now, don’t be shy about it. We need you to sing rightout. (She turns and looks offstage.) Alright, Tenny. Hit it! (The musicstarts as Honey Raye and Geneva lead the audience in song:)HONEY RAYE and GENEVA.

HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING,“GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING; PEACE ON EARTH, AND MERCY MILD;GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED.”JOYFUL, ALL YE NATIONS, RISE,JOIN THE TRIUMPH OF THE SKIES;WITH ANGELIC HOSTS PROCLAIM,CHRIST IS BORN IN BETHLEHEM.”HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING,“GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING.”

HONEY RAYE. Let’s really knock it out of the park on “Joy to theWorld.” (During the song, Frankie is hit with a big contraction.


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Before Dub can get to her, he doubles over in pain. G.J. is seized by astomach ache. John Curtis, Twink, Rhonda Lynn and Justin start tohelp Frankie, Dub and G.J. offstage. When Honey Raye notices the dis-turbance, she falls back to help. Geneva leads the audience through tothe end of the song:)GENEVA.

JOY TO THE WORLD! THE LORD IS COME;LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING;LET EVERY HEART PREPARE HIM ROOM,AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING,AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING,AND HEAVEN, AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING.

(Behind her, the others exit.) Well, uh … thanks for coming. Now,we’ve got to get these folks over to the hospital, and if any of youwant to send flowers, just call BooKoo Bokay. The number’s inyour program. Merry Christmas to y’all and to y’all a good night!(She exits. The “stage” lights dim slightly. Beat. Raynerd starts acrossthe stage, pulling his wagon. In it, Patsy Price, passed out, is sprawledall akimbo. He pulls the wagon and sings the final line of “SilentNight”:)RAYNERD.

SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE … (They exit. Curtain.)

End of Play


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PROPERTY LIST

TelephoneMicrophoneNotepadWhite garmentSilver starsNeedle and threadSewing machineScraps of fabricToolboxClothes rack of various costumesSanta suit, beard and hatPillowVarious headdresses, props, etc.Buffet table with trays of snacks,Chafing dish, plates, utensils,Tub of soft drinks, Saltine crackersDoll wrapped in blanketTweezersWoman’s purseMug of eggnogBibleFlashy Christmas sweatersLittle red wagonRifleHandcuffsLeg shacklesLong coatBackpackBrown turtleneck sweaterReindeer antlers and red noseLarge boxLighterCameraScrapbookNail fileMakeupLarge prescription bottle of pillsBrownie cakesHeaddress for “Joseph” — husband of Mary


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Index cardBeard, robe and crown (Wise Man)FlaskOven doorHalo and wingsGreen latex gloves (to simulate green food coloring stained hands)Pair of gloves


60

SOUND EFFECTS

Crackling P.A. systemPhone ringingLoud “wolf” whistle


christmas belles

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