Chapter 8Love Language

The Christ Centered MarriageBy Neil Anderson & Charles Mylander

Answer the following questions as yes or no1. I beam when someone, especially my spouse gives me a compliment.2. I am most upset with one or both of my parents for putting me down or criticize me.3. I open the card before the present.4. I am disappointed if someone gives me a present without a card or at least a kind word.5. I save cards/ e-mails that have touched me emotionally.6. I love to give words of encouragement.7. I get upset if my spouse leaves the house without saying, “Have a nice day.”8. The worst thing my spouse can do is put me down verbally.9. I get upset/depressed when I do not receive a present especially when I’m expecting one.10. The worst thing my spouse has ever done is forget to get me a present on an important occasion (birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s,etc.).11. I always open the present first and don’t really care about the card.12. I remember every present that someone has given me.13. I love to give gifts. 14. I like to give personalized gifts, meaning I get them something for a hobby they love, get them engraved.15. I listen for subtle ideas of something my loved one would like for a present before special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries,

Christmas, etc.).16. I spend a lot of time wrapping presents to make them look extra special.17. I love to spend time with others, especially those I love.18. I am most upset with one of my parents for not spending enough time with me.19. I get upset if my spouse chooses to stay at work or spend time with their friends versus spending time with me. 20. My perfect anniversary is to spend time with my loved ones, more so than receiving a present and/or card.21. I start to get depressed, if I haven’t spent time with those I love in a while.22. I feel special, significant, and useful when I help others.23. I feel upset when others don’t help me out, much less offer to do anything.24. I feel cherished when someone does something for me.25. I prefer to do things for the Church versus give money.26. The best thing my spouse could do for me is to do some of the chores (wash dishes, help with laundry, get the car fixed, help with the

kids, etc.). This is more important than compliments, them saying they love me, or receiving a gift.27. I get upset if my spouse leaves without giving me a kiss.28. I give and expect in return hugs, pats, kisses, and other physical signs of affection.29. I am most upset with one of my parent’s because they rarely gave me hugs and/or kisses.30. I love to fall asleep in my spouse’s arms.31. I would prefer a massage from my spouse than a present or a massage from a professional masseuse.32. I like to hold hands when walking with my spouse or while watching a movie.

What is Love?

The “in love” experience vs. true Godly love

i.e. Brent and Becky

The Five Love Languages

by Dr. Gary Chapman pg 144-149

I Corinthians 13:1-13

Godly love Corinthians 13:1-13• Love •  1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not

love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.  4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

•  8Love never fails. ..•  13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the

greatest of these is love.

What is the purpose of getting married?

To lead and if necessary carry our spouse and if blessed with children to an everlasting life with Christ.

What is the love bank concept?Deposits into the love bank:

Withdrawals from the love bank:

What are the love languages?

• Acts of service.

• Gifts.

• Physical touch.

• Quality time.

• Words of affirmation.

What is your primary love language(s)?

• If you answered yes to

• Qs 1-8 → Words of Affirmation.

• Qs 9-16 → Receiving Gifts.

• Qs 17-21 → Quality Time.

• Qs 22-26 → Acts of Service.

• Qs 27-32 → Physical touch.

What are the 5 love languages?

1. Acts of service.

2. Gifts.

3. Physical touch.

4. Quality time.

5. Words of affirmation. Children versus adults

Acts of Service

• Examples22. I feel special, significant, and useful when I help others.23. I feel upset when others don’t help me out, much less offer

to do anything.24. I feel cherished when someone does something for me.25. I prefer to do things for the Church versus give money.26. The best thing my spouse could do for me is to do some of

the chores (wash dishes, help with laundry, get the car fixed, help with the kids, etc.). This is more important than compliments, them saying they love me, or receiving a gift.

• I.e. cashing the check versus creating world peace

Gifts• Examples9. I get upset/depressed when I do not receive a present especially when I’m

expecting one.10. The worst thing my spouse has ever done is forget to get me a present on an

important occasion (birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s, etc..).11. I always open the present first and don’t really care about the card.12. I remember every present that someone has given me.13. I love to give gifts. 14. I like to give personalized gifts, meaning I get them something for a hobby they

love, get them engraved.15. I listen for subtle ideas of something my loved one would like for a present

before special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.).16. I spend a lot of time wrapping presents to make them look extra special.• I.e. Teta’s presence with presents• I.e. prized possession and look what I made you mommy

Physical Touch

• Examples27. I get upset if my spouse leaves without giving me a kiss.28. I give and expect in return hugs, pats, kisses, and other

physical signs of affection.29. I am most upset with one of my parent’s because they rarely

gave me hugs and/or kisses.30. I love to fall asleep in my spouse’s arms.31. I would prefer a massage from my spouse than a present or a

massage from a professional masseuse.32. I like to hold hands when walking with my spouse or while

watching a movie.

Quality Time

• Examples17. I love to spend time with others, especially those I love.18. I am most upset with one of my parents for not spending

enough time with me.19. I get upset if my spouse chooses to stay at work or spend

time with their friends versus spending time with me. 20. My perfect anniversary is to spend time with my loved ones,

more so than receiving a present and/or card.21. I start to get depressed, if I haven’t spent time with those I

love in a while.

Words of Affirmation

• Examples1. I beam when someone, especially my spouse gives me a

compliment.2. I am most upset with one or both of my parents for putting

me down or criticize me.3. I open the card before the present.4. I am disappointed if someone gives me a present without a

card or at least a kind word.5. I save cards/ e-mails that have touched me emotionally.6. I love to give words of encouragement.7. I get upset if my spouse leaves the house without saying,

“Have a nice day.”8. The worst thing my spouse can do is put me down verbally.

What is your spouse’s primary love language(s)?

• Take the quiz.

• Reflect on the primary way your spouse chooses to love you and others.

• Reflect on the primary way your spouse requests to be loved.

• Recall the most painful experience your spouse has ever shared with you.

What if you and your spouse are speaking different love languages?Feminism + male chauvinist = conflict or

loveI.e. words of affirmation versus acts of

serviceI.e. acts of service versus giftsI.e. words of affirmation versus physical

touch

How was Jesus the master of all love languages?

Words of affirmation and quality time– Meeting and speaking with the Samaritan woman– The Holy Bible– The Holy Spirit is always present with us

How was Jesus the master of all love languages?

Physical touch– Healing of the leperGifts-Himself-The Comforter, Holy Spirit-Treasures on earth and in heaven-Gift of sight, physically and spiritually-Gift of ability to walk

How was Jesus the master of all love languages?

Acts of service– Feeding the multitudes (also gift)– Washing the feet of the disciples

How can I become multilingual in the love languages?

• Pray for supernatural guidance • Figure out my primary love languages• Filling my love bank

– Interpret other’s ways of loving me into my love language i.e. my father’s acts of service vs. my words of affirmation

– Asking for others to love me in my love language– God

• Words of affirmation- daily in the Bible• Gifts- reminding myself of the gifts God has blessed me with• Physical Touch- healthy Christian relationships offer this marriage,

children, parents, etc.• Quality time- Church, retreats, meetings, daily time with God• Acts of Service- pray God gives you a good support system to help

you out with chores, carpooling, etc.

How can I become multilingual in the love languages?

• Figure out the primary love languages of my spouse, my children, my parents, my coworkers, etc.

• Mentally/list a way to make them feel more loved in their love language (survey)– i.e. What could I do if my spouse’s primary love language was

• Acts of service. i.e. Splitting evening duties, i.e. mom irons and babysits with gedo

• Gifts. i.e. ask for preferences, lists, or do they want $$• Physical touch i.e. every interaction i.e. bedtime• Quality time. i.e. ½ hour power • Words of affirmation i.e. specific and sincere, especially to others or

written reap exponential deposits

How can I become multilingual in the love languages especially during a

conflict (argument)?

• How to use the multiple love languages in the midst of a challenging situation – i.e. planned deposits in the midst of many

withdrawals– i.e. sit, hold, discuss– i.e. kneel, eye to eye, tender tone

Conclusion

• John 13:34-35 34"A new command I give you: Love one

another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35By this all men will know

that you are my disciples, if you love one another.“

• Light in dark places, draw others to Christ i.e. love in our marriages, with our children, our

family, our friends, our coworkers, our enemies, etc.