Adultery With Its Pants Down

Chapter 5

When Deceit Defends,

It Counter-Attacks

Busted,

Now What?

How To Deflect Any Responsibility

Thanks

Dad!

Busted?

I Guess We Can Work It Out Now Faithful Partners expect that busted

cheaters will heed the wake up call

◦ Take responsibility

◦ Apologise

◦ Offer to make amends

◦ Work on a recovery solution

◦ Be contrite and thoughtful

◦ Appreciate one more chance

Work It Out?

You Guess Wrong Work it out? Apologise?

No. No. No. Too few have any remorse.

◦ Surprise! The last things the FP expects is what

often happens - that the cheater will double

down with his bet on cruelty

◦ Sadly ... The FP forgets that the CP has broken

his compassion, is like a drug addict to cheating,

and is delusional – and has already “written off”

his family and his honor and his heart

Busted?

Work What Out? The cheater has already “written off” his family

and his honor and his heart

This addict and predator is NOT the same person you knew. ◦ This predator lies casually and has been lying

gratuitously

He is not the even same person that he has pretended to be till now (committed, compassionate, loving, expecting love from you, the exclusive deal still on) ◦ He is a total stranger. He has hidden that from you.

That’s how he was able to betray you.

Busted?

No Way Can We Work It Out Now The cheater immediately sees these

“favorable” wicked options: 1. Lie more – I am not really busted – it’s just

jealousy

2. Deny in spite of evidence

3. Blame it on the FP as hurtfully as possible

4. Escalate manipulation - Get vicious to silence the FP

5. Make false offers to set things right

6. Keep on cheating

◦ Best choice of all? Do all of the above while attacking his FP for snooping!

Act Like A Busted Spouse?

You are A Zero In His Universe! What? Will he deny it in spite of evidence?

Yup.

◦ They will twist and nitpick and make the most egregious tales to cover up.

◦ They will make it seem that you are misinterpreting the evidence and you are paranoid not to accept crappy explanations.

So that’s why so many people hire a lawyer and a private detective instead of confronting cheaters with facts.

Expect Anger

Now that the CP can’t be trusted Some examples how everybody loses and

everything special shuts down and “shits down”

◦ What to Expect ? Rage & Fierce Anger & Violence

CP will be furious if their cheese is moved

CP will, if caught red-handed, threaten to do violence to FP

Manipulation goes on - Minor or worse – pushing, blocking, slapping, punching, physical restraining will occur

Property will be stolen and destroyed

The CP will only see imaginary FP violence (pushing away the assaulter) when this occurs and will forget their own initiation of violence

The real threat to you – CP will get police to punish YOU for “violence” as a cover for CP

Expect Fantastic Tales

Now that the CP is Busted New Flavor To Undermining You

It’s more in the open,

His griping and snide comments will now turn into

direct nasty criticism and constant loud outrageous

blame

The family arguments will not be about his cheating

– he avoids that discussion

The family arguments will be loud and full of

screaming rage - all about the exaggerated and nasty

blame he lays at your doorstep

And What Happens Next?

Maybe “Nothing”.

◦ After all, “you are to blame” for finding out

◦ After all, “you are to blame” for driving him to

do it in the first place

◦ So don’t expect an apology for his doing what

comes naturally and is all your fault

◦ Look out for these Two Wicked Options

Sour and Bold: He will say it is none of your business

and brazen it out – and claim the kids

Sweet and False: he will pretend he has stopped

How Can This Be?

He was Caught Red Handed

Busted? So what. That’s not his problem.

He is special - he is used to spouting lies and being believed

◦He is literally living two lives now

◦ You are just in the trifling life

◦ So... no normal rules apply to this special person

To Defend Deceit

CP Develops a Split Life

Myths (lies) the Cheater tells himself to create to separate the 2 lives

◦ “I am always miserable in old trifling Life #1”

– Go away!

◦ “I am always happy in new Life #2” unless life #1intrudes You bastard just go away!

Myth (lies) that CP is innocent party

◦ I try to make Life #1 work but I get nowhere

◦ So I am free to wander without guilt in Life #2

Let’s look at how this mirage works

To Defend Deceit

How CP Goes On Attack

Part 1 – Provoke: Set Stage for Blame

- Truth-Dancing, Blame-Passing and Taunting

Part 2 – Manipulate: Lie & Evade

◦ Evasion, Deflection, Wasting Counselling, Lashing

Out, Cruel anger

Part 3 – Mind Games: Use a Warped Double

Standard

◦ Unbelievable hypocrisy while making full demands

of FP

So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 1 –

Provoke! - Stage Setting for Blame - Truth-Dancing, Blame-Passing and Taunting Only Works In Hollywood

Heart Broken

Taken for

Granted

Shock

Pain

Loss

Abandonment

Fear

Disgust

Revulsion

Hurt

Bewilderment

Tortured

Disgrace

Throw Up

No Place of

Comfort Left

Let’s Kiss **

Why are you

so cold? **

Let’s Hug **

You are

invited to

OP’s birthday,

so why don’t

you come? –

You’re Anti-

Social

You are just

jealous!

You lack sex

drive ** ***

Lies,

Half truths

Pick Fights

False

Accusation

Shift Blame

Continue

Cheating

Magnify

Faults

You’re crazy

like your

mother

** Even after

coming home 4 a.m.

... After servicing OP

orally

*** in front of kids

and relatives

FU

You’re just a

jealous

resentful

paranoid

So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 1 –

Provoke! - Stage Setting for Blame - Truth-Dancing, Blame-Passing and Taunting Only Works In Hollywood

Let’s Kiss **

Why are you

so cold? **

Let’s Hug **

You are

invited to

OP’s birthday,

so why don’t

you come? –

You’re Anti-

Social

You are just

jealous!

You lack sex

drive ** ***

Lies,

Half truths

Pick Fights

False

Accusation

Shift Blame

Continue

Cheating

Magnify

Faults

You’re crazy

like your

mother

** Even after

coming home 4 a.m.

... After servicing OP

orally

*** in front of kids

and relatives

FU

You’re just a

jealous

resentful

paranoid

So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 2 –

Manipulate! - Pure Lies & Evasion – Evasion, Deflection, Wasting Counselling, Lashing Out

Heart Broken

Taken for

Granted

Shock

Pain

Loss

Abandonment

Fear

Disgust

Revulsion

Hurt

Bewilderment

Tortured

Disgrace

Throw Up

No Place of

Comfort Left

Appalled by

Chutzpah

Nothing

happened.

BUT ... You

are to blame

for causing

it.

Fierce

Anger

Lie in

Counselling

Continue

Cheating

Magnify

Faults

What truth?

There’s my truth

and your truth

Be specific. I don’t

know what you

are asking?

I already told you

The counsellor

supports me

It happened long

ago ... and it never

happened

You’re crazy –

nothing happened

It

wasn’t

sexual

Just Same

Old Cruel

Manipulation

So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 2 –

Manipulate! - Pure Lies & Evasion – Evasion, Deflection, Wasting Counselling, Lashing Out

Nothing

happened.

BUT ... You

are to blame

for causing

it.

Fierce

Anger

Lie in

Counselling

Continue

Cheating

Magnify

Faults

What truth?

There’s my truth

and your truth

Be specific. I don’t

know what you

are asking?

I already told you

The counsellor

supports me

It happened long

ago ... and it never

happened

You’re crazy –

nothing happened

It

wasn’t

sexual

Just Same

Old Cruel

Manipulation

So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 3 –

Mind games! The Warped Double Standard - Unbelievable hypocrisy while making full demands of FP

Heart Broken

Taken for

Granted

Shock Pain Loss

Abandonment

Fear

Disgust

Revulsion

Hurt

Bewilderment

Tortured

Disgrace

Throw Up

No Place of

Comfort Left

Appalled by

Chutzpah

Expect (right

after telling

lies) that FP

should listen

more.

Complain

that FP

Never listens

Point out

flaws in FP

not following

full spousal

role

Continue

Cheating

Dress Up for visit

with OP then ask FP

for compliment about

appearance

Complain never gets

compliment from FP

Complain FP is

always jealous and

suspicious

Claim long nightly

calls & visits are “my

own business”

Spin & Deny when

confronted with proof

My needs

weren’t met

So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 3 –

Mind games! The Warped Double Standard - Unbelievable hypocrisy while making full demands of FP

Expect (right

after telling

lies) that FP

should listen

more.

Complain

that FP

Never listens

Point out

flaws in FP

not following

full spousal

role

Continue

Cheating

Dress Up for visit

with OP then ask FP

for compliment about

appearance

Complain never gets

compliment from FP

Complain FP is

always jealous and

suspicious

Claim long nightly

calls & visits are “my

own business”

Spin & Deny when

confronted with proof

My needs

weren’t met

FP’s Nightmare is Stomach-Turning

All this attack stuff is a horror story inflicted on FP

To CP, it is just self-protection (lies, self, OP, gateway to cheat more) so it is honourable and justified

One example: the 4 a.m. Kiss & torture test ◦ The CP could care less that kissing the FP with a mouthful

of OP’s body drippings is repulsive

◦ The CP uses this as a “test” to show that the FP lacks affection – this test justifies more cheating

◦ Some cheaters “kiss test” the FP before and after each kanoodle-fest with the OP, this lack of hugs and kisses after dressing up for the OP “confirms” that they are justified: the FP is “cold and unfeeling and doesn’t respect and compliment them any more when they dress up”!

◦ Remember: To justify evil, a CP will believe and spout any stupid shit, and do any harm

FP’s Nightmare is not Mere Words

◦Remember: To justify evil, a CP will believe and spout any stupid yarn, carp about any minor fault, disseminate any wicked sneering criticism, invent any lie, and do any harm

◦ It is a nightmare – it makes the FP emotionally numb and hurt

◦ It is deliberate and cruel

◦ But the cheater will usually feel fully justified (and thus morally superior to the faithful partner)

Did I Mention It Yet?

You Are the Weird One Your real fault was to still be trusting and in love

with the CP, who deceptively gave you reason to be

For acting normally, the CP will be attack you as if YOU are some freak with the bad behavior

◦ You will be called paranoid, insane, unbalanced

◦ Your past will be blamed for making you cold, numb, bitter, jealous, unforgiving, unable to show love, etc.

◦ Your prior relationships will be the ones that you failed in, and they blemished you and made you unfit

◦ They left you broken, untrusting, unloving and drove the CP into some one else’s arms (and legs)

Why Emotionally Numb? http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2005/09/Healing-After-Adultery.aspx

Many who discover a partner's cheating have

lasting reactions similar to post-traumatic

stress disorder, like people whose lives have

been threatened in violent crimes, war, fires,

natural disasters, or auto accidents.

◦ They are traumatized by the loss of

partnership and security, and the unfairness

of trust betrayed.

Emotional Burdens http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2005/09/Healing-After-Adultery.aspx

They are preoccupied with the burdens placed on them by betrayal and consumed by fear, anger, and helplessness.

◦ They live with heightened anxiety, and dread another betrayal. Consequently, they become numb and withdraw from relationships and from life.

They have periods of emotional numbness and avoid anything that reminds them of the affair

◦ They re-live the horror of the discovered adultery at unexpected times and suffer nightmares and flashbacks.

Attack on the Emotionally Numb

The FP will drift in and out of emotional numbness –

and shock

◦ The FP will flee in horror from tainted and suckered “good

memories” that should be key lasting memorials to love and

hallmarks of trust

◦ The FP will get flashbacks of pain, glimpses of words told to

deceive

Now the FP is weak, in that dark time the CP will

sneak attack with surprises that require FP’s full

capabilities and memory - and grave-rob their

precious past to scrounge out justification through

overblown and lying excuses

CP’s Appalling Sneak Attack

Let his crazy-making rewrite of history

begin

All this attack justification stuff will

include shocking false accusations

◦ Some you will remember differently

◦ Some so obscure you will not even be able

to recall

Vicious

Sneak

Attack!

CP’s Sordid Accusations Are

Lies He Believes

All this attack justification stuff will include shocking false accusations ◦ Some you will remember differently Placing child X in what was a bad day care was not FP’s

negligence, it was Aunt Helen’s recommendation that CP advocated

Abortion was a joint decision, not forced on CP

Not visiting dying Mom for the last time was because of CP crashing the car, not caused by FP’s peevishness about visiting

Moving to a new town was joint decision based on special opportunity for career, agreed happily, not one forced on CP

◦ Some so obscure you will not even be able to recall You are condemned for not visiting the hospital twelve years

ago ... because of ??? FP may believe that the visit did take place or maybe there was a reason – Wait! - that’s right he was in the midst of an “affair” and his “lover” took him to the hospital and you walked away rather than enter a room with the two of them in it

Vicious

Sneak

Attack!

CP’s Horrid Accusations are Mere Words

Here’s the pattern for attacks to justify cheating: Shocking false accusations

What you should recall, is that it was not a big deal at the time, and is truly in the past (unlike the cheating)

◦ the CP is selectively “grave robbing” your past life together, to scrounge for any accusation to magnify and pin on you

◦ Even if absolutely true, indictments are to be discussed and placed in context, it is ridiculous to claim that any such flaw on your part leads to cheating, justifies cheating, or excuses the harm done by betrayal

◦ You get no credit for the goodness you have – you just get smeared

Grave

Robbing

No One Around to Counter the

Grave Robbing Lies and Verbal Rape

The FP has lost the prime source of comfort and intimacy; and the one who knows things about the FP

The FP is in no position to confide ◦ Why trust a rat with her thoughts and feelings and her

version of memories? – a rat who twists each word to use as an excuse or denial

The CP is very polished and rehearsed his clever excuses and attacks – and grabs at any imagined flaw

Hence the now-numb FP is not only attacked viciously with false accusations but has her hands tied – this hampers even a verbal defence

Each attack by the CP is more verbal rape, not flinching to cruelly use intimacy and past trust to gain advantage and place the failure and shame on another

Verbal

Rape

More Tricks – More Burdens

The Torment Continues

Does this shock and

attack have an impact?

How is daily life turned into a maze of pain?

Life is a prison surrounded by barbed scornful comments

Acts of Torment

1. Drain Dollars, Get Nice OP Gifts too

2. Come Right On In and Play

3. Come Right On In and Nitpick

4. Tell the OP all - Be Like the OP

5. New Mommy and Daddy Now

6. Adopt a New Family - Ignore and Gripe about Your Own

7. Taunt and Torture

8. Mock Sensible Purity – Flaunt OP

So ... Does That Mean The Cheater is a Sociopath, Borderline Personality, Narcissist etc?

Drain Dollars,

Get Nice OP Gifts too Every betrayal has its own forms of torment

Many forms of self-obsessed behaviour are

common

◦ Siphon resources “Borrow” money for gifts to OP, outings with OP

“Loan” money and time to “help” OP who is having trouble holding

job but has lots of spare wile for visits and kanoodling

◦ Use FP money to keep OP large items in FP house Buy vehicles from OP, hire, buy used furniture from OP

Loan vehicles to OP

Work for OP but not with real wage

It’s A Midway Carney Beckoning You

To Treat the Game of Distorted Mirrors as Normal & Fun

Come Right On In and Play Might as well (so they usually do)

◦ Open your home and introduce family to OP

use family bed for sex with OP,

Get children to take messages from OP

have OP make friends with the children,

introduce OP to mutual acquaintances with FP

◦ Complain to all others about FP’s magnified faults, bad

habits, unworthy home provider, etc.

Thanks

Dad!

Come Right On In and Nitpick

Pile on the Nasty Remarks (forgetting what caused

your FP to lose that sparkle, conveniently ignoring that you caused

it all through betrayed - a massive shock and lack of trust)

◦ Complain loudly about FP’s flaws

Lack of affection and hugs,

Lack of love and kisses, and especially

Lack of appreciation

Failure to compliment your good appearance

◦ Then Complain that you spouse is full of Complaints

Self-

Blinding

Hypocrite

And I suppose ... you are not the real complainer?

How could you forget? ...

her complaints are about real and deep harm you did.

Harm that you are still compounding with lies

Tell the OP - Be Like the OP

Might as well... ◦ Pass around family personal facts with OP

share personal and financial facts with OP,

joke and gripe with OP to mock or put down everything

about FP – even FP ’s helpfulness, positive deeds and attempts

to rebuild

◦ Imitate OP’s idiosyncrasies

Take on OP’s turn of voice, joking accents and expressions

when talking to family, children, parents, and FP

Boast that they share OP’s interest and superior taste in

authors, stars, music, books, shows, philosophy, toilet goods

Tell OP’s jokes and stories

New Mommy and Daddy Now

Also might as well do this... ◦ Disconnect Reminders of Vows

Lose wedding ring, engagement ring,

Take down wedding photos

◦ Herd Children into Cesspool

Introduce children and keep in contact with OP’s children

Take children to OP’s birthdays and OP’s family birthdays

Urge & Enable grown children to have OP as landlord

There’s one for the books:

Let OP phone your children for help with dead battery

so OP can remove his car from your driveway (after visiting & kanoodling you at

your house) before FP returns from work

Thanks

Dad!

Adopt a New Family

Ignore and Gripe about Your Own

Also might as well intrude completely ◦ Ensconce OP family “Turn” the OP’s Spouse - Make “friends” with OP’s spouse

Publicize - Post OP’s children and relatives and pet photos on fridge

◦ Have it Both Ways Use FP to do laundry, earn pay, have job, babysit, do housework, fix car, run

errands ... so that CP can have more time to meet OP ... And complain how FP isn’t

doing enough and not doing it well enough

Complain that FP works too much and is neglecting you – while neglecting

all FP’s basic respect and ungratefully taking the gains of the job

Both Ways: A cheating wife gets angry at her

husband. Why? Because he doesn’t give her a nice

big Valentine's Day card and compliment her. By

the way, she spent Feb 13 with her OP.

Taunt and Torture

Also might as well intrude completely ◦ Taunt Brag to FP about OP’s many superior way of dealing with people, business,

home care, challenges

Quote OP and include his opinion in discussions with friends, children and FP

Flaunt OP mementoes and name, brag with “friends”

◦ Torture Socialize - Invite FP to special occasions in OP’s family – and kick FP for be

anti-social if he politely refuses

Flaunt - Post OP’s cell number on kitchen cork board

Keep Mentioning - Talk to FP and family about goings on in OP’s world

Mock Sensible Purity – Flaunt OP

Also might as well intrude completely ◦ Mock at FP’s Avoidance of Dirty Sex

Mock the FP who won’t have slutty risky sex with ongoing cheater

“So what. I am not being celibate. So you are not hurting me.”

“You are sure having trouble with sex drive and performance.”

especially in front of kids, larger family group, friends, strangers

◦ Keep OP in plain view of FP

Display - Without discussion, have OP over to the house to “help

with trees” and do chores as repayment for something

Buy OP’s used appliances, fill house with OP’s brand of Amway goods,

extol benefits of having OP as “up-line”, while CP is OP’s “down-line”

Keep mentioning OP’s name while denying cheating with OP

WHO’S SORRY NOW?

NOT THE CHEATER – HE JUST WALKS

AWAY AND GETS READY TO SHOW HIS

GOOD SIDE TO AN OUTSIDER

Har har har, They didn’t expect a little taunt and torture game? Let them bleed and suffer torment, They are just over-sensitive. They will get over it.

“I am not responsible for you feelings – or for tormenting you.”

Shock Every Day Every Moment

Gone is the sparkle and joy and pride

Gone is the trusted place of comfort

Instead ... a massive campaign of pain,

lying, and blame-shifting

CP will not flinch about kicking you hard

and repeatedly while you are down

Formerly loving and singularly trusted CP

will spout any shit and do any harm with

no regrets

The Stockholm Prisoner

Behind The Iron Mask

No Wonder after all this massive campaign of pain, lying, and blame-shifting

◦ The FP is tired and withdrawn

◦ The FP finds it difficult to ask the right questions, make the right challenges

◦ The FP is from time to time horrified

◦ The FP is often at a loss for the right words

◦ the FP desperately needs to use words but has no voice (in pain forgetting simple needed words like evasion and deflection and distortion; in pain struggling to give words to the personal horror and disgust suffered followed by the indignity of being lied at and falsely accused)

So ... Does That Mean The

Cheater is a Sociopath,

Borderline Personality,

Narcissist etc?

It is better just to recognize an

uncaring manipulative tormentor early, rather find the right label for

them

So ... How Do I Recognize This?

One consistent “tell” is that they find a way to place the burden on others ... They even burden you with unscrambling their communication ◦ You have to get back to them to confirm no change in plans by

them

◦ You are expected to know what preferences they have

◦ You have to disambiguate all their weak pronoun references and hazy expressions, decode their story telling and evasiveness

◦ You are made to feel responsible for decisions that they duck

◦ You are on the hook to inform others and keep informed yourself

But when it comes to their evasive manipulative communication ... They somehow return to being experts at slicing the onion exactly their way and communicating perfectly to suit their ends

So ... Is The Cheater is a Sociopath,

Borderline Personality, Narcissist, Chromic Liar

etc?

Maybe, at least sometimes. For sure

these folks will not flinch at adultery.

Who knows? Even the experts have a

tough time nailing down the definitions

and diagnostics

You can’t really say. What you know is

that a bully harm-doer who has no

remorse is a damaged personality – cold

and dangerous

Why Is the Cheater Damaged?

Who knows if they are born that way or whether they learn to take it on

Who knows if they are always that way or whether they are just selective apprentice predators

◦ Like slave owners who are kind to family neighbours and domestic animals, but who are unconscious to the evil they do to their slaves

◦ Like the adulterer who is sweet to his hunny and yet who tortures, lies and shits mercilessly on his family

MESSAGES TO ONLOOKERS

Some will listen

You Will “See”

Fights and Arguments Actually you will see only the part that the predator cheat

wants you to see

You will think

◦ There’s yelling – they must both be shouting

◦ There’s blame – they must both be blaming

◦ It’s just a crazy personal dispute gone berserk

No, it’s a standard part of the cheater’s game of cruel false blame mixed with a dash of pompous sanctimonious justification

He will turn every moment into sharp pain

He will sabotage any hope of making a resolution to his “important” disputes

The faithful partner will seem to be needlessly bitter

You are the audience to a stage play of sniping and bickering disguised as a 2-way story

And When You Learn About The Cheating

You Will Just Think That

The FP is Being Bitter

Actually you failed to observe that her life is being devoured by a tormentor

It’s a cruel kicking and a unworthy attack on a person whose only real fault was to trust and love

The real bitter person has created a life full of hateful lying and exaggerated invented painful blame

He can afford to seem charming – most predators are

MESSAGES TO CHEATING PREDATORS

Some will listen

Wake Up Cheaters!

It’s time now to

speak directly to

you cheaters

Wake Up Cheaters! Message To The Lying Blaming Cheat Look, at some point you just might internalize these

facts:

◦ You are doing substantial harm every day you leave

your feeble lies on the table – even if you have ceased

attacking and adding to the injury & lies

◦ You are locking the door to a renewed civil

relationship (either to reconcile or even to co-parent)

if you maintain deceit and lies, blame and pain

◦ You are living a massive delusion if you think that

your choices have no consequences that you must

take full accountability for

◦ You are sabotaging forgiveness even as you resent

the lack of forgiveness – it’s repent, not resent!

Any Trust,

Impossible

With Lies

Any Lie Kept

Continues

The Harm

Any Denial of

Responsibility

Just More

Manipulation

Any Lie Left Behind = YOU making more PAIN

Wake Up Cheaters! Message To The Lying Blaming Cheat Look, at some point you just might internalize these

facts:

◦ You are doing substantial harm every day you leave

your feeble lies on the table – even if you have ceased

attacking and adding to the injury & lies

◦ You are locking the door to a renewed civil

relationship (either to reconcile or even to co-parent)

if you maintain deceit and lies, blame and pain

◦ You are living a massive delusion if you think that

your choices have no consequences that you must

take full accountability for

◦ You are sabotaging forgiveness even as you resent

the lack of forgiveness – it’s repent, not resent!

Any Trust,

Impossible

With Lies

Any Lie Kept

Continues

The Harm

Any Denial of

Responsibility

Just More

Manipulation

Any Lie Left Behind = YOU making more PAIN

Lying Got You Started

Lying Fuelled the Ongoing Cheating

Lying Can Only Be Healed with Truth

Wake Up Cheaters! Message To The Lying Blaming Cheat Look, at some point you just might internalize these

facts:

◦ You are doing substantial harm every day you leave

your feeble lies on the table – even if you have ceased

attacking and adding to the injury & lies

◦ You are locking the door to a renewed civil

relationship (either to reconcile or even to co-parent)

if you maintain deceit and lies, blame and pain

◦ You are living a massive delusion if you think that

your choices have no consequences that you must

take full accountability for

◦ You are sabotaging forgiveness even as you resent

the lack of forgiveness – it’s repent, not resent!

Any Trust,

Impossible

With Lies

Any Lie Kept

Continues

The Harm

Any Denial of

Responsibility

Just More

Manipulation

Any Lie Left Behind = YOU making more PAIN

Wake Up Cheaters!

Will That Lying Blaming Cheat Take

Real Responsibility for His Heart? Look, at some point you just might internalize these

facts:

◦ You demand forgiveness and feel that the FP is bitter

and needlessly resentful and obsessed

◦ That is just your dumb delusion – it is crap

◦ You are locking the door to forgiveness with lies

◦ You are even lying to yourself. The offer of

forgiveness is incomplete. It requires a change in you

called genuine repentance. By blaming your FP for

lack of forgiveness, you have it all backwards

Forgiveness,

Impossible

With No

Remorse

How can

anybody

forgive what

you won’t

even come

clean about?

Any Denial of

Responsibility

Is Just More

Manipulation

YOU are sabotaging forgiveness

Action Message

To The Lying Blamer

It will be in your own best interest at some point

to put down the axe, deal in truth, clean up the lies, and

take back the exaggerated false blame you dished out

If you are mildly sorry, don’t apologise in a hard-

hearted cold conditional manner. Get some

counselling to face and correct your new cold self first.

You have conditioned yourself to be numb to the pain

and devastation you have inflicted - don’t make it worse

by tossing off luke-warm half-sorry apologies.

It’s called remorse, not sudden release. You are

morally empty if you are demanding instant redemption,

or placing any preconditions on your prey, such as

forgiveness and meeting your needs

Get

Clean

Get

Genuine

Get

Remorse –

It’s NOT

About

YOU &

YOUR

conditions

Take the 12 Steps to Adultery Recovery

Expectation Message

To The Lying Blamer

If you think she was boring or morose or unmotivated

before you took the axe to her, check out what you have

piled on – and don’t feel sorry for yourself if “she’s not her

old self – she seems bitter – she is not contributing as much,

she is unresponsive, she can’t meet my needs, she’s guarded,

she’s not joking as much”

Remember – she wants to be 100% and wants to be better –

but you are the last person on the earth she needs to have

preaching to her and advising her – you are not and never

will be welcome as her trusted guiding therapist.

You

Messed

Everything

Up

Now Live

With It

Zip Your Lip,

You’re no

trusted

advisor

DO NOT EXPECT that your injured prey will be

capable of being 100% or giving 100% for a very, very long time

– and that’s your fault

Second Chance Life Style Message To The Lying Blamer

Slimy Roots - DO NOT EXPECT that your old chums that sniggered and winked at adultery are suitable pals

Danger is Known - Your old life style was the gateway down the path to adultery –it is proven to be a dangerous path

Second Chance - Reconciled or not, you stand on a threshold where you make the big life style choice again

Second Time Smart - Now you know better, you are more at fault if you again choose the same “good friends” – don’t kid yourself, you already know who these winking and guffawing adultery-braggarts and excusers are

Protect Others - If you parroted the adultery bragging and excuses to others - they may have been influenced for the worse by you – you should try to go back and set them straight

Share the Remorse - Make Your Experience Count – Others can learn from you if you share that you have been responsible for horrendous life choices that cause injury – not Hollywood fulfilment

You Messed

Everything

Up

Once

You Need

to Be On

Guard

Against a

Second

Time

You Were Once A Good Friend

Look in the mirror

Work at rediscovering your warm heart

Try now to be all those things that good

people are .. like kind and true

At least try the 12 steps before giving up

If you can’t reconcile, at least try to build

more good will

Learn from mistakes, don’t excuse them so

much that they hold no lessons to learn