Cabaret: Terpsichore TragedyAPO Arts Academy 2014

Ian: BEEEEEINNGG ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!Carolina (audition panel woman thing): Thanks Ian, thats great, thats all we need to hear. Now, one more question. Do you dance?Ian: Yes. No. Well, yyyyes. When you say dance, more of a strong mover. Well not in the sense of theatre movers, I mean to say that yes, I can move. Sort of.Ladies and gentlemen. This is what plagues me. I am unequivocally the worst dancer I know. Its not for lack of trying, [I WONT DANCE vamp.] its just more like the part of my brain which sees the steps and translates them into movements is missing. I go ok here we go. Aaaaaand Dance! (Intro) And my brain just goesI wont dance, Ian, with you. Not gonna let your feet do things they should do.And meanwhile youre stuck there, while your brain only wants to think about other thingsYou know what. Im hungry Ok this is not helpful!! And all the while Im arguing with myself Im standing in the middle of the dancefloor not moving and everyone thinks Im petrified. But Im no stranger to that either. My attempts at dance are often misconstrued. Last time I did a fossey routine people thought I was having a seizure, and last time I did theatre jazz it looked like (and I quote) a drunken Hugh Grant jamming by himself at the after-party of a VERY low budget film premiere. [MANIAC in the style of HG.)Perhaps I just havent found the right dance style for me. There are some styles out there which sound more promising, for example cakewalk. Im good at walking. On cake. Or drunken sailor. Or shuffling. Or capoeira, a style of dancing where you deliberately hit people.(intro ANYONE CAN WHISTLE)Why I struggle with dance so much continues to elude me, particularly as I am proficient in so many other things. Anyone can tango, thats what they say, easy.Anyone can foxtrot, any old way. Easy.Its all so simple, relax, let go, let fly.So someone tell me why cant i?I can fly a jet plane, I can speak French. Easy. I have a PhD in music studies and a competent working knowledge of quantum physics. Easy!!!Whats hard is simple.. Whats natural comes hard. Maybe if you show me how to let go, lower my guard, learn to be free, maybe if you boogie, boogie for meCue Chorus LineSpeaking of quantum mechanics and other science things, did you know that until the mid 90s all telephone numbers were only 7 digits long, and this was because scientists found that 7 is the maximum number of steps in a sequence humans can easily recall. So perhaps its not even my fault, perhaps the entire method of teaching dance is predicated on an inherently flawed system! 5 -6 -7 -8! Wait what? God I just forgot it. I just forgot it! You count to seven and Im fineEight I just forget it, I just forget it.5min 30

So Im come to accept that the only solution, for both my self-esteem and the safety of others, is to do all of my dancing in the only place it will truly be appreciated. In an empty room. At 4am. In complete darkness. With no breakables and preferably padded walls. DANCING WITH MYSELF Billy Idoltranslated from English to English

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On the floors of TokyoA-down in London town's a go goA-with the record selection,And the mirror's reflection,I'm a dancin' with myself

A-when there's no one else in sight,A-in crowded lonely nightWell, I wait so long for my love vibrationAnd I'm dancing with myself

[Chorus]Oh oh, Dancing with a-myself,Oh, oh, dancing with myselfWell, there's nothing to loseAnd there's nothing to prove, well,Dancing a-with myself