COPING WITH YOUR LOSSES

Julie Larson, LCSW

www.julielarsonlcsw.com

When others are ready to celebrate the end of your treatment, cancer survivors often experience a mix of emotions/reactions after treatment ends.

THE POSITIVE FEELINGS: Acknowledging personal strengths Deepened relationships with loved ones Excited about the future New desire to set personal goals A sense of gratitude and appreciation for life

WHEN ACTIVE TREATMENT ENDS

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THE “Not-so-Positive” FEELINGS Fear of Recurrence: Worry about future unknowns Anxiety: Concern about not being in active

treatment Concerns about physical appearance Sadness Depression Grief Anger about having had the life disruption of cancer Financial concerns Guilt or Regret Emotional numbness Spiritual uncertainty Learning new ways to care for yourself

WHEN ACTIVE TREATMENT ENDS

GRIEF 101

Denial. Shock. Numbness.

Anger. Irritation. Frustration.

Bargaining. “If I do this, then…”

Sadness. Isolation. Ache. Void. Empty.

Acceptance. New perspective. Awareness. Insight.

AM I GRIEVING? RECOGNIZING SYMPTOMS Crying Lack of energy Uncertainty Changes in sleeping or eating habits Feeling withdrawn or unmotivated Irritable, demanding, underlying “buzz” of

anger Hyperactivity, fear of slowing down Decreased productivity, trouble

concentrating Avoidance of others or fear of being aloneGRIEF VS. DEPRESSION?

THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF GRIEF…

SELF CARE: SADNESS. ANGER.

What helps you feel safe enough to be really sad? People? Location? Comforts?

Pay very close attention to what it is (thought?) that makes you stop crying? Why….

Anger is energy. What can you do with that energy?

Do you know your triggers? Have you taken the time to really understand

those trigger thoughts?

THE WORK OF BEING AT WORK:

Realize when you are stressed. Why? Triggers?Certain people? External Events?

Begin to learn your “Warning Signs”: The build up to an emotional moment.

Know your people!

Vital Steps to Caring for You

1. Make a list of different ways you care for yourself

2. Consider your five senses3. What can you do at work? Home? When

you are out socially? In the middle of the night?

4. If being with people is part of your list, what are you doing together?

Ground yourself:

*Look up*Breathe*Feel your feet on

the ground*Tune into your body

ACTIVITY: Create your Toolbox

Remember your feelings about talking about your diagnosis will likely change day to day.

Try not to ignore your need to share your worries, fears and questions.

Often talking with others helps you work through concerns or uncertainties in a natural way.

Try not to put on a “happy face” if you are not feeling that way. Your true feelings are more helpful to everyone.

Remember when others have awkward or hurtful responses it likely has nothing to do with you but is more related to their own feelings or past experiences.

Talking about cancer can be complicated. Most conversations are not a one shot deal, they are an ongoing dialogue. Keep being as open as you can.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Assumptions “Shoulds”/“Musts”/”Oughts” All or nothing thinking Over-generalizing Unfavorable comparisons Personalizing Dwelling on the negative

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mTHE DIRTY LITTLE HABITS OF OUR THOUGHTS…

What is the event? What are your emotions? How intense are these emotions 1 –

10? Initial negative self-talk Gather evidence of other possibilities? Challenge the thought distortions Does this lead to a different feeling?

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mCHALLENGING DISTORTED THINKING

Affirmations are healing, positive messages you give to yourself to counter your negative self-talk.

Three Types of Affirmations: “I am…” (A statement about you)“I can…” (A statement of your potential)“I will…” (A statement of change in your

life)

AFFIRMATIONS

ACTIVITY: Writing Affirmations Write three (or more) affirmations

HOMEWORK: Find Time for You Read this list to yourself daily

ACTIVITY: WRITING AFFIRMATIONS

CAUTION: Resist the “Cheese Factor”

The “YOU INVENTORY” What underlying qualities would you

want others to know about you? Did you learn anything new about

yourself since you were diagnosed with cancer?

Would any of these qualities be important in your relationships with others?

How would you share this information within your disclosure of your diagnosis?

GETTING TO KNOW YOU…

Skills, Talents, Passions, Past successes

YOUR BEST RESOURCE: YOU!

The “STUFF” Inside You Understanding your personal meaning Visualizing your individual hopes and dreams

Every feeling matters Cancer has a way of educating you about

YOU Think back Rename the experience Use some of those skills now for your benefit

Let’s dish about your role models, the people you admire.

1.) Who comes to mind2.) What qualities or characteristics about this

person do you like?

ACTIVITY: ROLE MODEL SEARCH!

1. Listen to yourself. Come to understand what you are feeling, thinking and needing.

2. Learn how to care for yourself. 3. Decide who the best audience is for you

today related to what you need to express.4. Prepare yourself for important

conversations.5. Know your emotional “hot spots”.6. Reach out to good friends or a therapist to

help you better understand your feelings and support you as you

IN SUMMARY:

It’s worth the struggle to discover who you really are and how you, in your own way, can put life together as something that means a lot to you.” - Mr. Rogers