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  • Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 1

    ACT 1, Scene 1 ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. OFFICE 1 2 Albert: (on phone) I know that, sir, but 3 4 General: (on phone) Think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the 5 American teenager! 6 7 Albert: But 8 9 General: Are you suggesting that Conrad Birdie doesnt want to go into the army??!! 10 11 Albert: No, sir. Its just that (picks up copy of song) 12 13 General: Hes going, and hes going two weeks from today! 14 15 Albert: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Hell be there (hangs up) Why? Why did they have to draft him? 16 Just when I finally write a song hes going to do: the title song of his next picture Mumbo 17 Jumbo Gooey Gumbo. Now there isnt going to be a picture! (tears up song) 18 19 Bookkeeper: Albert, I have your financial statement, if you really want it. Total assets 20 $312.08. (Albert starts to choke on pills) Liabilities $4,030.00. (gets up) Confidentially, 21 youre a fiscal fiasco. Goodbye, Albert. (gets hat and starts to leave) 22 23 Albert: In six years, I never sold a single song. Its just that Im my mommas sole source of 24 support. I wasted every cent my father left on the Almaelou Music Corporation 25 26 Bookkeeper: Its not your fault! Your mother wants you to be a songwriter! You could make 27 a good living as a teacher 28 29 Albert: (shocked, nervous): Well, but, mommas sensitive. When I upset her, she faints. 30 31 Bookkeeper: But you love poetry, and you could make a great living teaching English. 32 33 Albert: English, English, you sound like Rosie. (looks around) Hey, where is she anyway? 34 She was supposed to be here an hour ago (Rosie enters briskly) 35 Rosie, this is the end of Almaelou! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! 36 37 Rosie: And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting (slaps down letter) her resignation! 38 39 Albert: What? 40 Rosie: I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert, darling. Lots of luck! (blows kiss, turns) 41 42 Albert: Rosie, you cant! Not today of all days! (Runs back to desk, looks through drawers.) 43 My pills, where are my pills the little ones I take when Im overwrought. 44 45 Bookkeeper: (Picks up bottle from the desk, opens it, and hands him one.) Here. 46

  • Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 2

    Albert: Not so much. Break it in half. 47 48 Rosie: Youre thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. (He takes one) 49 50 Albert: I am not thirty-three! I wont be thirty-three until tomorrow (gasping) Water! 51 Bookkeeper pours and hands him the glass) 52 53 Rosie: Its no use, Albert. Ive spent eight years on Project Albert. 54 55 Albert: (moans, starts to sway dizzily, Bookkeeper tries to be ready to catch him): If its part 56 of the company youre after, the answer is no. Any change would kill my Momma. 57 58 Bookkeeper: Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. 59 60 Rosie: Except maybe a silver bullet. 61 62 Bookkeeper: Theres nothing to discuss, Rosie. Conrad Birdies going into the army. 63 64 Rosie: And Ive quit. (to Albert) You have to go back to college and get your 65 66 Albert: (hands on ears) Rosie, Im up to my ears in debt! And Ive just taken a severe 67 overdose of aspirin. (faints in chair provided by Bookkeeper) 68 69 Bookkeeper: Albert, this may be your last chance. Listen to me, Albert 70 71

    No. 3: An English Teacher 72 Bookkeeper: HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO. 73 74 Rosie: NOW YOURE FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO, 75 76 Both: ALBERT, ALBERT, AL---BERT! 77 78 Both: IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE, THATS WHAT YOU SAID. 79

    YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THATS WHAT YOU SAID. 80 YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD, 81 INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM, 82 YOU WERE GOING TO N.Y.U. AND BECOME (she runs to open door) 83 An English teacher! (Albert rushes to door and closes it) 84

    85 Rosie: (backing him to center stage) And in the NYU yearbook for 1952, under Albert 86 Petersons favorite piece of literature, you know what it says? (shows it to Bookkeeper) 87 88 Albert: (groans) 89 Rosie and Bookkeeper: Little Women! 90 91 Albert: (sinks into chair) Im ruined in show business. 92

  • Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 3

    Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER, AN ENGLISH TEACHER, 93 IF ONLY YOUD BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER, 94 WED HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS 95 YOUD GET A SUMMER VACATION 96 AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS. 97 98

    Bookkeeper: A MAN WHOS GOT HIS MASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONE. 99 HOW PROUD WED BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE! 100

    101 Rosie: IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE 102

    I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS PETERSON, MRS. ALBERT PETERSON, 103 MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHERS WIFE. 104 105

    Albert: (Suddenly rising) Rose, Ill make a deal with you! Stay with me, and as soon as Im 106 out of the red, Ill dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! 107 108 Rosie: Albert, youre on! (She goes to her desk and takes out a small file folder.) 109 110 Albert: Of course, it may take awhile, but Im sure that by 1973 or 74 at the latest, 111 well (Rosie opens a file, pulls a card, and slams it on his desk.) Whats that? 112 113 Rosie: I have a plan: something thats going to push that date up a few years. (reads card) 114 MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age 15, president and recording secretary, Conrad Birdie Fan Club 115 number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (picks up the phone) Mary? (they all freeze) 116 117 SPLIT SCENE ABOVE and STAGE LEFT, FRONT 118 Ursula: Hello? 119 Kim: Hello, Urs? This is Kim. And if I dont tell somebody, Im just going to burst! So, 120

    Ursula, you are the very first to know. I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody! 121 Ursula: Oh, no! Kim MacAfee, you didnt! You really got pinned? You mean you and 122

    Hugo have a (sighs) permanent understanding? 123 Kim: Uh-huh! Oh, its Hugo and I, forever. 124 Mary: Yes, Miss Alvarez? 125 126 Rosie: Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. 127 128 Mary: Yes, Maam. Do you have the number? 129 130 Rosie: I have it right here: the numbers (reads slowly from card) Capitol 7 131

    double 8, 2, Zero. Sweet Apple, Ohio. And call me right back. (hangs up) 132 133

    Albert: (rising and looking into the phone) Now wait a minute! Whats going on here? Whos 134 Kim What-ever-her-name is? 135 136 Rosie: Kim MacAfee, Albert, is whats going to send you back to college with the 137 biggest hit song this business has ever seen! Its called One Last Kiss. 138

  • Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 4

    Albert and Bookkeeper: Ive never heard of it. 139 140 Rosie: (to audience) He hasnt written it, yet. (Leads Albert to piano and seats him.) 141 But when you do 142

    and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army 143 for two long years 144

    and when he gives that one last kiss to one of his fans chosen at random from 145 one million hysterical teenagers 146

    itll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc! 147 148 Albert: (he rises) Rose, Im beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York 149 150 Rosie: (she pushes him back down) Take Conrad Birdie to Sweet Apple, Ohio. 151 152 Albert: (he rises again) Let him kiss the kid 153 154 Rosie: (she pushes him down again) And release the record! (she crosses to sit at desk) 155 156 Bookkeeper: Why, youll make enough money to stay in college for the rest of your life! 157 158 Albert: I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, itll be just the two of us, Rose! 159 In perfect bliss (chime sounds) Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyones ever used 160 it before? Oh what difference does it make? 161 (sings) Oh one last kiss; it gives me so much bliss I love your dentifrice 162 No, thats too clinical (he writes furiously at the piano for the rest of the scene) 163 164 Rosie: (phone rings) Yes? 165 166 Mary: (on phone) I cant reach her, Maam. The lines are jammed. 167 168 Rosie: Well, every phone in Sweet Apple, Ohio cant be busy; whats going on there? 169 170 Mary: Kim MacAfee just got pinned to (muffled) Hugh Peabody 171 172 Rosie: She got pinned to who? 173 174 Mary: To Hugh! 175 176 Rosie: To who?! Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me back. (hangs up) 177

    THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE 178 THEN I MIGHT BE MRS. PETERSON, MRS ALBERT PETERSON, 179

    MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHERS WIFE. 180 181

    [Blackout]182

  • Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 5

    ACT 1, Scene 2 SWEET APPLE PHONE LIMBO 183 184 No. 4: The Telephone Hour (Sweet Apple Teen Chorus) 185 Helen: HI NANCY! 186 Nancy: HI HELEN! 187 Helen: WHATS THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? 188 Nancy: WHATS THE TALE, NIGHTINGALE? 189 TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM. 190 191 Alice: HI MARGIE! 192 Margie: HI ALICE! WHATS THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? 193 Alice: WHATS THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD 194

    HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM? 195 196

    Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: 197 DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED? 198 DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY? DID HE PIN THE PIN ON? 199 OR WAS HE TOO SHY? 200 WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED 201 202

    Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: YEAH, YEAH. 203 Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD 204 Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: UH, HUH. 205 Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: NOW THEYRE LIVING AT LAST 206 Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: HES GONE! 207 Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! 208 209 Harvey: 210

    HELLO MR. HENKEL, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON, 211 CAN I SPEAK TO PENELOPE ANN? 212

    Penelope: IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM? 213 Harvey: Penelope? 214 Penelope: I JUST KNEW IT SOMEHOW. 215 Harvey: About the prom. 216 Penelope: I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP! 217 Harvey: Saturday? 218 Penelope: I CANT TALK