bye bye birdie script

Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 1

ACT 1, Scene 1 – ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. OFFICE 1

2 Albert: (on phone) I know that, sir, but… 3

4

General: (on phone) Think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the 5

American teenager! 6

7

Albert: But… 8

9

General: Are you suggesting that Conrad Birdie doesn’t want to go into the army??!! 10

11

Albert: No, sir. It’s just that… (picks up copy of song) 12

13

General: He’s going, and he’s going two weeks from today! 14

15

Albert: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. He’ll be there… (hangs up) Why? Why did they have to draft him? 16

Just when I finally write a song he’s going to do: the title song of his next picture “Mumbo 17

Jumbo Gooey Gumbo”. Now there isn’t going to be a picture! (tears up song) 18

19

Bookkeeper: Albert, I have your financial statement, if you really want it. Total assets 20

$312.08. (Albert starts to choke on pills) Liabilities $4,030.00. (gets up) Confidentially, 21

you’re a fiscal fiasco. Goodbye, Albert. (gets hat and starts to leave) 22

23

Albert: In six years, I never sold a single song. It’s just that I’m my momma’s sole source of 24

support. I wasted every cent my father left on the Almaelou Music Corporation… 25

26

Bookkeeper: It’s not your fault! Your mother wants you to be a songwriter! You could make 27

a good living as a teacher… 28

29

Albert: (shocked, nervous): Well, but, momma’s sensitive. When I upset her, she faints. 30

31

Bookkeeper: But you love poetry, and you could make a great living teaching English. 32

33

Albert: English, English, you sound like Rosie. (looks around) Hey, where is she anyway? 34

She was supposed to be here an hour ago… (Rosie enters briskly) 35

Rosie, this is the end of Almaelou! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! 36

37

Rosie: And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting (slaps down letter) her resignation! 38

39

Albert: What? 40

Rosie: I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert, darling. Lots of luck! (blows kiss, turns) 41

42

Albert: Rosie, you can’t! Not today of all days! (Runs back to desk, looks through drawers.) 43

My pills, where are my pills… the little ones I take when I’m overwrought. 44

45

Bookkeeper: (Picks up bottle from the desk, opens it, and hands him one.) Here. 46


Albert: Not so much. Break it in half. 47

48

Rosie: You’re thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. (He takes one) 49

50

Albert: I am not thirty-three! I won’t be thirty-three until tomorrow… (gasping) Water! 51

Bookkeeper pours and hands him the glass) 52

53

Rosie: It’s no use, Albert. I’ve spent eight years on “Project Albert.” 54

55

Albert: (moans, starts to sway dizzily, Bookkeeper tries to be ready to catch him): If it’s part 56

of the company you’re after, the answer is no. Any change would kill my Momma. 57

58

Bookkeeper: Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. 59

60

Rosie: Except maybe a silver bullet. 61

62

Bookkeeper: There’s nothing to discuss, Rosie. Conrad Birdie’s going into the army. 63

64

Rosie: And I’ve quit. (to Albert) You have to go back to college and get your… 65

66

Albert: (hands on ears) Rosie, I’m up to my ears in debt! And I’ve just taken a severe 67

overdose of aspirin. (faints in chair provided by Bookkeeper) 68

69

Bookkeeper: Albert, this may be your last chance. Listen to me, Albert… 70

71

No. 3: An English Teacher 72 Bookkeeper: HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO. 73

74

Rosie: NOW YOU’RE FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO, 75

76

Both: ALBERT, ALBERT, AL---BERT…! 77

78

Both: IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. 79

YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. 80

YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD, 81

INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM, 82

YOU WERE GOING TO N.Y.U. AND BECOME… (she runs to open door) 83

An English teacher! (Albert rushes to door and closes it) 84

85

Rosie: (backing him to center stage) And in the NYU yearbook for 1952, under “Albert 86

Peterson’s favorite piece of literature,” you know what it says? (shows it to Bookkeeper) 87

88

Albert: (groans) 89

Rosie and Bookkeeper: Little Women! 90

91

Albert: (sinks into chair) I’m ruined in show business. 92


Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER, AN ENGLISH TEACHER, 93

IF ONLY YOU’D BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER, 94

WE’D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS 95

YOU’D GET A SUMMER VACATION 96

AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS. 97

98

Bookkeeper: A MAN WHO’S GOT HIS MASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONE. 99

HOW PROUD WE’D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE! 100

101

Rosie: IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE 102

I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS PETERSON, MRS. ALBERT PETERSON, 103

MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE. 104

105

Albert: (Suddenly rising) Rose, I’ll make a deal with you! Stay with me, and as soon as I’m 106

out of the red, I’ll dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! 107

108

Rosie: Albert, you’re on! (She goes to her desk and takes out a small file folder.) 109

110

Albert: Of course, it may take awhile, but I’m sure that by 1973 or ’74 at the latest, 111

we’ll… (Rosie opens a file, pulls a card, and slams it on his desk.) What’s that? 112

113

Rosie: I have a plan: something that’s going to push that date up a few years. (reads card) 114

MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age 15, president and recording secretary, Conrad Birdie Fan Club 115

number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (picks up the phone) Mary? (they all freeze) 116

117

SPLIT SCENE – ABOVE and STAGE LEFT, FRONT 118 Ursula: Hello? 119

Kim: Hello, Urs? This is Kim. And if I don’t tell somebody, I’m just going to burst! So, 120

Ursula, you are the very first to know. I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody! 121

Ursula: Oh, no! Kim MacAfee, you didn’t! You really got pinned? You mean you and 122

Hugo have a (sighs) permanent understanding? 123

Kim: Uh-huh! Oh, it’s Hugo and I, forever. 124

Mary: Yes, Miss Alvarez? 125

126

Rosie: Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. 127

128

Mary: Yes, Ma’am. Do you have the number? 129

130

Rosie: I have it right here: the number’s (reads slowly from card) …Capitol 7 131

double 8, 2, Zero. Sweet Apple, Ohio. And call me right back. (hangs up) 132

133

Albert: (rising and looking into the phone) Now wait a minute! What’s going on here? Who’s 134

Kim What-ever-her-name is? 135

136

Rosie: Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what’s going to send you back to college with the 137

biggest hit song this business has ever seen! It’s called “One Last Kiss.” 138


Albert and Bookkeeper: I’ve never heard of it. 139

140

Rosie: (to audience) He hasn’t written it, yet. (Leads Albert to piano and seats him.) 141

But when you do… 142

and when that “one last kiss” is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army 143

for two long years… 144

and when he gives that “one last kiss” to one of his fans chosen at random from 145

one million hysterical teenagers… 146

it’ll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc! 147

148

Albert: (he rises) Rose, I’m beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York… 149

150

Rosie: (she pushes him back down) Take Conrad Birdie to Sweet Apple, Ohio. 151

152

Albert: (he rises again) Let him kiss the kid… 153

154

Rosie: (she pushes him down again) And release the record! (she crosses to sit at desk) 155

156

Bookkeeper: Why, you’ll make enough money to stay in college for the rest of your life! 157

158

Albert: I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, it’ll be just the two of us, Rose! 159

In perfect bliss… (chime sounds) Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyone’s ever used 160

it before? Oh what difference does it make? 161

(sings) Oh one last kiss; it gives me so much bliss… I love your dentifrice… 162

No, that’s too clinical… (he writes furiously at the piano for the rest of the scene) 163

164

Rosie: (phone rings) Yes? 165

166

Mary: (on phone) I can’t reach her, Ma’am. The lines are jammed. 167

168

Rosie: Well, every phone in Sweet Apple, Ohio can’t be busy; what’s going on there? 169

170

Mary: Kim MacAfee just got pinned to (muffled) Hugh Peabody… 171

172

Rosie: She got pinned to who? 173

174

Mary: To Hugh! 175

176

Rosie: To who?! Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me back. (hangs up) 177

THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE 178

THEN I MIGHT BE MRS. PETERSON, MRS ALBERT PETERSON, 179

MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE. 180

181

[Blackout]182


ACT 1, Scene 2 – SWEET APPLE PHONE LIMBO 183

184

No. 4: The Telephone Hour (Sweet Apple Teen Chorus) 185 Helen: HI NANCY! 186

Nancy: HI HELEN! 187

Helen: WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? 188

Nancy: WHAT’S THE TALE, NIGHTINGALE? 189

TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM. 190

191 Alice: HI MARGIE! 192

Margie: HI ALICE! WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? 193

Alice: WHAT’S THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD 194

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM? 195

196

Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: 197 DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED? 198

DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY? DID HE PIN THE PIN ON? 199

OR WAS HE TOO SHY? 200

WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED… 201

202

Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: YEAH, YEAH. 203

Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD… 204

Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: UH, HUH. 205

Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST… 206

Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: HE’S GONE! 207

Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! 208

209

Harvey: 210 HELLO MR. HENKEL, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON, 211

CAN I SPEAK TO PENELOPE ANN? 212

Penelope: IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM? 213

Harvey: Penelope? 214

Penelope: I JUST KNEW IT SOMEHOW. 215

Harvey: About the prom. 216

Penelope: I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP! 217

Harvey: Saturday? 218

Penelope: I CAN’T TALK TO YOU NOW. 219

220 Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: YOU KNOW IT MAN 221

Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: IT’S CRAZY MAN 222

Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: YOU KNOW IT 223

224

Suzie: IT WON’T LAST 225

April: NOT AT ALL 226

Betty: HE’S TOO THIN* 227

Clara: SHE’S TOO TALL* *we might alter these lines 228


Harvey: HELLO MRS. MILLER, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON 229

CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE? 230

231

Boys: HIYA HUGO, HIYA STUPID, WHATCHA WANNA GO GET PINNED FOR? 232

Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Boys: HEY YA MEATHEAD 233

Girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Boys: LOST YOUR MARBLES 234

Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST Boys: ARE YOU NUTTY 235

Girls: GOING STEADY FOR… 236

237 Harvey: HELLO MRS. GARFEIN, 238

IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET? (Light on Charity, who talks to him) 239

240

NHAMP: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED 241

SABC+: GOING STEADY 242

Boys: SHE SAW HIM 243

NHAMP: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD 244


Boys: SHE DUG HIM 246

NHAMP: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST 247


Boys: SHE NAILED HIM 249

Girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD 250

251

Boys: IF YOU GOTTA GO, THAT’S THE WAY TO GO 252

WHEN THEY GOT YA HOOKED, Boys: THEN YOU’RE REALLY COOKED! 253

WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHACHA GONNA DO? 254

255

Girls: OOOOOH! 256

Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED, Boys: OH, MAN! 257

Girls: I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD. Boys: OH, MAN! 258

Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVIN’ AT LAST, Boys: OH… 259

All: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! 260

GOING STEADY…STEADY FOR GOOD! 261

Charity: HE’S IN LOVE WITH KIM, KIM’S IN LOVE WITH HIM 262

263 Boys (girls in parentheses): GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) 264

GOING STEADY (WELL), GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) 265

STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL), GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) 266

GOING STEADY (WELL), GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) 267

STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) 268

269

Low voices (high voices in parentheses): 270 THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (OH YEAH) 271

THEY’LL BE HAPPY I KNOW (OH YEAH) 272

GOING STEADY’S FOR ME (OH YEAH), THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD GO. 273

All: GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD, OH…YEAH! 274


ACT 1, Scene 3 – Ursula on phone & MacAfee House 275

276 Ursula: (on phone) Kim MacAfee, what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club? I 277

mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all 278

social life! (Mrs. MacAfee picks up the phone as well) 279

280

Kim: (on phone) I’m sorry, Ursula, but my mind’s made up. Of course, I’ll still play his 281

records, but things like the Conrad Birdie Scream are past me now. 282

283

Ursula: You’re giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings on 284

television, you’re not going to go “AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!” (tragically) Oh, Kim! 285

286

Mrs. MacAfee: (hangs up and calls to her daughter) Kim dear, would you please get off the 287

phone? I’ve got some calls to make. 288

289

Kim: (calls to her) All right, Mother! (then back into phone) 290

Sorry Ursula, I’ve got to hang up. You’ll explain everything to the other kids, won’t you? 291

(Mrs. MacAfee picks up phone) 292

293

Ursula: I suppose I’ll have to. Bye, Kim… wait! Kim, are you sure? I mean after all! I mean 294

really, Kim, are you absolutely sure? 295

296

Kim: After all, I’m fifteen years old and it’s time I settled down. Goodbye, Urs! (hangs up) 297

298

No. 6: How Lovely to be a Woman 299 HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN, THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE. 300

HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA AND SMILE A WOMAN’S SMILE 301

HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE, THAT’S ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT. 302

WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE, 303

YOU’RE WHAT THEY’RE WHISTLING AT! 304

305

IT’S WONDERFUL TO FEEL THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS 306

IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW JUST TO KNOW 307

YOU’RE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS. 308

309

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO: 310

TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH 311

YOU’VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE. 312

LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME! 313

314

HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS. 315

HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT FOR A DATE IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES. 316

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN, 317

AND GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN. 318

HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN UP AND FREE. 319

LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME! 320


Mrs. MacAfee: (hangs up, phone rings immediately) Hello? Kim, there’s a call for you. The 321

operator said she’s been trying to get through for nearly three quarters of an hour! 322

(she shrugs at Mr. MacAfee, who is reading the paper.) 323

324

Kim: Thank you, Doris. I’ll get it. 325

326

Mrs. MacAfee: She said it was long distance and I can’t imagine who… What did you say? 327

328

Kim: I said thank you, Doris. There’s no need to look so upset. It’s modern to call your 329

mother by her first name. It makes the mother and daughter more like pals. 330

331

Mrs. MacAfee: And your father? (still holding out phone, looking shocked) 332

333

Kim: I’ll call him Harry, naturally. (she walks around the room, patting her father on the 334

shoulder: he looks up from the paper, mutters “yeah,” and laughs mirthlessly) By the way, I 335

think Harry took the news about Hugo and I awfully well, don’t you, Doris? 336

(Mrs. Macafee has to sit down. Kim takes the phone.) This is she. Yes, I’ll wait. 337

338

Mrs. MacAfee: Yesterday I was a mother. Today I’m a pal. (gets up, stands behind Harry) 339

Are you sure you wouldn’t like to call me Mom? That’s modern. 340

341

Kim: I’m sorry, but times are changing. (then casually) Doris, dear, you’ve got to go along 342

with them or be left behind with the old folks! (parents exit, shaking heads) 343

344

Kim: (she has been listening on the phone, transforming from a poised woman into a dazed 345

child: she speaks to the phone receiver in a very small voice) Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. 346

(hangs up – then realizes…) 347

Conrad Birdie… is coming here… to kiss me? 348

(weakly) Doris. (a bit louder) Mother. (a shout) MOMMY!!!! 349

350

Mrs. MacAfee: (runs in and embraces her) BABY!!! What is it? What’s wrong? 351

352

Kim: (gasping) Birdie… Conrad… here coming kiss to me! 353

354

Mrs. MacAfee: That’s nice, dear. Now you just put your head on Mommy’ shoulder… 355

356

Kim: You don’t understand! Conrad Birdie is coming here to Sweet Apple to kiss me 357

goodbye! Oh, Mommy, Mommy! 358

359

Mrs. MacAfee: I never thought I’d say it… but God bless Conrad Birdie! (Kim screams…) 360

361


ACT 1, Scene 4 – Penn Station, New York City 362

363

No. 7: We Love You, Conrad 364 NYC Girls, led by Daisy: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 365

WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. 366

WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! 367

368

Albert: Hello, ladies! Sorry I’m late. Now let’s go over the “Birdie Song” once more before 369

we go down to the train. One, two, three… (he starts conducting, nothing happens) 370

371

Daisy: Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson! Ah right girls, pep up! One two three… 372

373

Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CONRAD… 374

375

Albert: (sees sad girl - Joanie) Oh, young lady, you can sing with us if you want. 376

377

Joanie: No, thank you. 378

379

Albert: What’s the matter with her? 380

381

Daisy: Oh, she’s just sad because Conrad Birdie’s going into the army, and she’ll be too old 382

for him when he gets out. 383

384

Joanie: (sighs) What’s the point? 385

386

Lucy: Mr. Peterson, Joanie’s been like this for three days! 387

388

Cathy: We’ve done everything to try to make her feel better! 389

390

Albert: Let me see what I can do. (Albert approaches Joanie.) 391

Hi! I’m Albert Peterson, Conrad’s manager. Come on now, that’s not way to be. 392

Things can’t be that bad. Smile! 393

Little girl, this is an adult speaking! I order you to smile! Please? (sings) 394

395

No. 8: Put On a Happy Face 396 Albert: GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. 397

BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. 398

TAKE OF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY, IT’S NOT YOUR STYLE. 399

YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU’LL BE GLAD, YOU DECIDED TO SMILE! 400

401

NYC Policeman: PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK, 402

STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN. 403

Albert: WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK, SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN. 404

Both: SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE, JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! 405

406

All: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. 407


Daisy: AND IF YOU’RE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH, 408

DON’T SIT AND WHINE. 409

410

Lucy: THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE, 411

AND YOU’LL FEEL FINE 412

413

Cathy: I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY, SHE’D NEVER LAUGH OR SING. 414

SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME, NOW SHE’S A MEAN OLD THING! 415

416

All: SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE 417

JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! {Dance.} 418

419

Albert: Hey, there’s our luggage! You’d better hurry up if you want to see Conrad before he 420

goes! (Joanie runs offstage) (Rosie appears, pushing the luggage cart) 421

422

Rosie: You forgot your briefcase. Plus, I figured I’d better help you coach Conrad before he 423

talks to any reporters. You know what happened the last time! 424

425

Albert: You hang on to it, Rose. I’ve got to wait here for Momma. 426

427

Rosie: Speaking of your mother, Albert… have you told her about dissolving Almaelou? 428

429

Albert: I couldn’t, Rosie. She might faint. 430

431

Mama: (from the back of the Hall) YOO HOOOOOOOO!!!! 432

433

Rosie: (sarcastically) Who could that be? 434

435

Mama: (entering, starting to yell when visible to audience) YOO HOOOOOO! 436

(she shoves her way through the audience and departing NYC folks, ad lib.) 437

SONNY! (they embrace – she staggers) 438

439

Albert: Mama! What’s the matter? 440

441

Mama: Don’t worry about me, Sonny. I’m just a little faint, from the subway… 442

443

Albert: Mama, I told you to take a taxi. 444

445

Mama: Taxi! What do I need with taxis? I’ll leave the taxis for my successful son. 446

A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of disgusting people who wouldn’t 447

give you a seat if your life depended on it, but what’s the difference; 448

nowadays a mother is lower than dirt, anyway! (digs in purse for a coin) 449

Here’s the money I saved from not taking the taxi. Buy some candy with it. 450

(looks at Rosie) What’s that? 451

452

Albert: Mama, you know Miss Alvarez from my office. 453


Mama: This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? (then with an agonized shout) 454

I can’t believe it! Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? 455

456

Rosie: Excuse me, Albert. I think I’ll go see if Conrad’s here. 457

458 Mama: Goodbye, Rose. 459

460

Rosie: Goodbye, Mae. 461

462

Mama: Call me Mrs. Peterson. (Rose nods, and exits.) 463

464

Albert: Mama, what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose. Maybe you’d 465

better sit down. 466

467

Mama: Why? I know my sonny. He loves his mama. He isn’t going to say anything that 468

would break her heart. Go ahead, dear, what about Rose? 469

470

Albert: Well, Mama, Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up Almaelou. (Mama 471

staggers and grabs her heart.) What’s the matter, Mama? 472

473

Mama: (fainting) Nothing’s the matter. You killed me, that’s all. I’m on my way up! 474

475

Albert: You don’t understand, Mama. It’s just that Rose thought… I mean I thought… Look, 476

Mama. I have to go. Here. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded. 477

478

Mama: Nothing is too crowded for a mother. Wait a minute… (freezes dramatically) 479

how many blocks is it, after all? Only 107! I’ll walk. (starts to depart through audience) 480

481

Albert: Mama… 482

483

Mama: Excuse me, pardon me, etc. Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. 484

Be careful crossing the street. Keep your money in your inside pocket. 485

AND EAT A HOT LUNCH…. (exits) 486

487

Rosie: (enters) I thought you were going to break it to her gently. 488

Albert: Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didn’t tell her yet. (music starts) 489

Rosie: You mean you didn’t…? 490

491

Sally: He’s coming! He’s coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!! (girls scream offstage, then 492

citizens enter one at a time) 493

494

Albert: Come on, Rosie! We can’t let him talk to those reporters alone! 495

496

Conrad, reporters, and New York teens enter: “Conrad’s here! He’s coming! etc.) 497

Reporters: How about answering a couple of questions? Hey Conrad! Over here! 498

Globe Reporter: How do you feel about going into the army? (Albert grabs him.) 499


No. 9: A Healthy, Normal, American Boy 500 Albert: HOW DOES HE FEEL, YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS? 501

HE’S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS: 502

HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER, STRANGELY HUMBLE, 503

PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G. I.! 504

505

Rosie: HE WILL GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS, 506

FOR HE’S NOT AFRAID TO DIE, 507

508

Girls and Citizens: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 509

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! 510

511

Albert: And that’s why he volunteered for… 512

513

Times Reporter: Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! 514

515

Tribune Reporter: And he appealed – three times! 516

517 Globe Reporter: What about that starlet, Conrad? Are you two engaged? 518

519 Post Reporter: And why was her husband so mad? 520

521 Herald Reporter: Is Conrad still drinking a lot? 522

523

Rosie: Sing! Sing! 524

525

Girls and Citizens (Others in parentheses): 526 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (OH BEAUTIFUL) 527

OH YES WE DO (FOR SPACIOUS SKIES) 528

WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (FOR AMBER WAVES) 529

AND WE’LL BE TRUE (OF GRAIN) 530

OH, OH, CONRAD (AMERICA) 531

WE LOVE YOU (AMERICA) 532

WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (GOD SHED HIS) 533

WE’LL BE TRUE (GRACE ON THEE) 534

535 Reporters: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, AVERAGE, MODEST, 536

Reporters, Albert, Rosie: PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL, 537

All: AMERICAN, AMERICAN BOY! 538

Train conductor (offstage): All aboard! 539

540


ACT 1, Scene 5 – Sweet Apple Station, Ohio 541 542

No. 7 (Reprised): We Love You, Conrad 543 Girls, led by Clara: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 544

WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. 545

WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! 546

No. 7 (Altered): We Hate You, Conrad 547 Boys, led by Hugo: WE HATE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 548

WE HATE YOU CONRAD, AND THAT IS BE TRUE. 549

WHEN YOU ARE NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE HATE YOU! 550

551 Helen and Charity: (Conrad appears, girls scream) 552

Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple, Ohio! (girls scream) 553

554

Nancy: (all four lines read as one crescendo) Now before we escort you to the Town Hall… 555

Alice: Where the Mayor himself is waiting… 556

Margie: I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your 557

final kiss upon… 558

Ursula: And who will now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie pledge! Kim MacAfee! 559

560

Kim and All Sweet Apple Girls: I, (Kim MacAfee), being of sound mind and body, do 561

hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Conrad Birdie and the United 562

States of America – both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all! (Cheers) 563

564

Girls: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 565

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! (Birdie is lifted up and most exit, singing.) 566

567

Hugo: Kim, could I talk to you for a minute? 568

569

Kim: Right now? Couldn’t it wait? 570

571

Hugo: I don’t think so, Kim. It’s important. 572

573

Suzie: Hugo Peabody, what’s so important that you have to talk to her right now? 574

Clara: Yes! What’s the urgently urgent urgency, Hugo?? 575

April: Whatever it is can’t be THAT important, Hugo. 576

577

Hugo: Important? I’ll tell you what’s so important! The day after I give her my pin she 578

goes around kissing someone else, that’s what’s so important! (pauses, gets no reaction) 579

I want you to know I’m quite upset about this. 580

I’ve already had several headaches and a nosebleed! 581

582 Betty: Why Hugo, I believe you’re actually jealous of Conrad Birdie! 583

584

Hugo: Me jealous? I’m the opposite of jealous. I’m VERY jealous! 585

Kim’s my steady! People just don’t ditch their steadies. 586


Deborah Sue: Conrad Birdie isn’t “people,” Hugo. 587

Kim: That’s just it, Hugo. I’m your steady! I’m pinned to you, Hugo, and I don’t care how 588

common and ordinary you are, that’s how I’m going to stay! 589

590 Hugo: You’re not just saying that to make me feel better? 591

Kim: I mean every word of it, Hugo. Conrad Birdie is just a fling. A steady is forever… 592

593

No. 12: One Boy 594 Kim: ONE BOY, ONE SPECIAL BOY 595

ONE BOY TO GO WITH, TO TALK WITH, AND WALK WITH, 596

597 HNAUD: ONE BOY, 598

THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. 599

600

Kim and Ursula: ONE BOY, ONE CERTAIN BOY 601

ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH, TO JOKE WITH, HAVE COKE WITH. 602

ONE BOY. NOT TWO OR THREE. 603

604

SBCMCh: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT, THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, 605

YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU 606

Ten Girls: ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY, 607

ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER, ONE BOY, 608

All Girls: THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. 609

610

Hugo: Oh Kim, all thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished! 611

612

Kim: You were silly to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie doesn’t have half the effect on me 613

that my steady does. Why even when I say his name I don’t feel a thing. Listen. 614

Conrad Birdie. Conrad Birdie. Bonrad Cirdie. (swoons and girls lead her out) 615

616

Hugo: (to Rosie, as she enters) The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost 617

faint… and you heard her, Lady! That boy is me! 618

619

Rosie: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT: THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, 620

YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU. 621

ONE GUY, ONE SPECIAL GUY, 622

ONE GUY TO LIVE FOR, TO CARE FOR, BE THERE FOR {Dance.} 623

624

Albert: (catching the briefcase as she throws it away) Rosie, what’s the matter? 625

626

Rosie: I was just thinking of you Albert… 627

628

Albert: Good, I need my speech! Where is it? In the briefcase? Bring it along; the Mayor’s 629

almost finished talking. Come on! (dashes out) 630

631 Rosie: THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. 632


ACT 1, Scene 6 – Sweet Apple Courthouse Steps 633 634

Mayor:….and so it is with great pride and prejudice, as well as the usual pomp and 635

circumstances, that I welcome you to our fair city, Mr. Conrad Birdie… 636

637

Ursula: AHHH!! HE SAID IT!! HE SAID THE NAME!!! (leads the screaming) 638

639

Mayor: What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie. (scream) I welcome you…uh… sir… 640

to our fair city and present you with this 14-carat solid gold key so generously donated by 641

employees at the Sweet Apple Brass Works. And as I present this key to you, Conrad 642

Birdie… (scream) If you girls don’t stop that, I can’t finish my speech! 643

644

Edna: Uh nobody cares about your speech, dear. I think I speak for the entire population 645

when I say that we’d much rather hear from Mr. Birdie! (turns away from him) Mr. Birdie? 646

647

Helen: Who cares about your speech! We want to hear from Conrad! 648

649 Anna: Speak to us, oh beautiful one! Tell us how you make that glorious sound that 650

even now, in anticipation of it, has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting jungle beast! 651

652

No. 14: Sincere 653 Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE. (Edna utters a weak little scream and swoons) 654

655

Mayor: Edna! What’s the matter? 656

657

Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE. 658

659 Mayor: Mr. Birdie, what are you doing? (reviving his wife, who has rubbery legs) 660

661

Conrad: YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, ‘CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE, 662

WELL THEN YOU’RE GONNA BE HONESTLY SINCERE! 663

664

IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE, (REALLY FEEL IT) 665

YOU MAKE THEM FEEL IT TOO (WRITE THIS DOWN NOW) 666

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, HONESTLY SINCERE, 667

MAN YOU’VE GOTTA BE SINCERE! 668

669

Mayor: (Edna revives, only to faint again) Edna!! 670

671 Conrad: IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, 672

IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT! 673

674

Oh baby! (scream) 675

Oh honey! (scream) 676

Hug me! (scream) 677

Suffer! (scream) 678


IN EVERYTHING I DO MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH. 679

I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE, DON’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY: 680

IT’S AUTOMATIC! I’M SINCERE. 681

682

WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE, I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE 683

WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL 684

I MEAN I REALLY FEEL SINCERE! 685

686

IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, 687

IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT! 688

689

Oh baby! (scream) 690

Oh honey! (scream) 691

Hug me! (scream) 692

Suffer! (scream) 693

694

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH OH OH, 695

YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, OH OH OH MY BABY, 696

OH MY BABY OH YEAH, OH MY BABY OH YEAH! 697

698

Mrs. Johnson: Harvey! Harvey Johnson! What are you doing? 699

700

Mrs. Merkle: Ursula! Ursula! Come back here this minute! 701

702

Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, 703

704

Teens: Yeah! 705

706


708

Teens: Yeah! 709

710


712

Teens: Yeah! 713

714

Conrad: OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, 715

OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (first girl faints) 716

WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE. 717

718

OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (riot begins, some more faint) 719

OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (some run into the audience and faint)) 720

OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (some faint) 721

OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, YEAH! YEAH! (some run offstage) 722

723

[Blackout] 724 725


ACT 1, Scene 7 – MacAfee House 726 727

Henry: (in audience) Harvey, where are you? 728

729

Edna: (offstage left) Mister Birdie! Is that you? 730

731

Mayor: (offstage left) No, Edna… it’s me. 732

733

James: (offstage right) There’s a lady lying in the gutter. Who does she belong to? 734

735

Thomas: (offstage right) Me. Leave her there. 736

737

Nancy: (back of house) I got a lock of someone’s hair! 738

739

Anna: (back of house) I wonder if it’s his! 740

741

Theodore: (back of house) No it isn’t. And give me my hat! 742

743

Tired Girls Sextet: (USBCMCh singing outside the MacAfee’s house) 744

No. 15: We Love You, Conrad (Wounded Reprise) 745 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO 746

WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE… 747

748

Margie: I’m tired, Ursula. 749

750

Suzie: We’ve been here all night! 751

752

Ursula: We promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand times, didn’t we? Well, we’ve 753

got 5,276 to go. So sing! (Singing fades away.) 754

755

Kim: Daddy, I wish you’d hurry. I want to have all this mess cleared away before 756

Conrad comes in. 757

758

Mr. MacA: This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfast. I intend to enjoy it. 759

760

Mrs. MacAfee: Your father has a right to enjoy his eggs, Kim. (turns to him) 761

I know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but Kim’s gone to a lot of trouble to fix a special 762

breakfast for Mr. Birdie. 763

After all he is a national figure and I want to show these New York people we know how to 764

treat a national figure here in Sweet Apple. (waits) Now if you’ll just hurry along… 765

766

Mr. MacAfee: Mrs. MacAfee, I am not budging from this room until I get my coffee and read 767

my paper! 768

Mrs. MacAfee: Oh I’m sorry, dear. I didn’t have time to make your coffee this morning. How 769

about a nice warm Seven-Up? (he sighs) 770

771


Randolph: (enters) Morning, Pa. Here’s your paper. I hope you don’t mind but I cut out 772

a few stories about Conrad. (grabs a big fruit off the table and leaves) 773

774

Mr. MacAfee: (paper is full of holes) I have tried to run this house on a democratic basis. 775

There has been no taxation without representation. (waits, no reaction) 776

Last night I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as “Daddy-O.” 777

Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong 778

Kong. I slept on a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace. Outside my window, a sextet of 779

harpies shrieked We Love You Conrad 4,723 times. Well, the democracy is over! Parliament 780

has been dissolved and Nero is back in town! And he doesn’t drink warm 7-Up! 781

782

Albert: (enters) Oh, Mr. MacAfee! I hope you won’t mind keeping off the phone for a few 783

minutes. We’re expecting a long-distance call from New York. 784

785

Mr. MacAfee: Perfectly all right. I’ll go out and fiddle while Rome burns. (exits, Kim stares) 786

787

Kim: (after he leaves) Mother, what’s wrong? 788

789

Mrs. MacA: Nothing, dear. Your father’s just excited about Conrad’s being here, that’s all. 790

791 Randolph: (runs back in) He’s coming! He’s coming! 792

793 Kim: He’s coming! I’ll get the eggs! Mother, you call the kids! 794

795 Mrs. MacAfee: Girls, he’s coming! You’d better hurry if you want to watch him eat! 796

797 Ursula: (6 girls, Edna, and mothers enter) Mother! What are you doing here? 798

799

Mrs. Merkle: I’m sorry, Doris, but we just had to come! We’ll stand quietly back here. 800

801

Randolph: Here he is! (Conrad enters in bathrobe.) 802

803

Eight girls: (quietly) OOOHHHH! 804

(Conrad Grabs soda from Mrs. MacAfee, opens it, squirting everyone. Chugs it, hands can to 805

Mrs. Merkle, who passes to Mrs. J., Mrs, W., then Mrs. MacAfee.) 806

807

Conrad: Call me for lunch. (Mr. MacAfee enters as Birdie exits) Hey Daddy-O! 808

809

Mr. MacAfee: Now look here, Doris. This cannot… 810

811

Mrs. MacAfee: Please, Harry, he’s just shy… 812

Edna: There’s room at my house, if you’d rather…. 813

Mrs. Johnson: Well, if you ask me… 814

815

Mr. MacAfee: Doris, Kim is only fifteen and I don’t want her… 816

Kim: Please, Daddy. Not in front of everybody! 817


Mrs. Merkle: Ursula, we’d better go! (girls and mothers sneak out) 818

Mr. MacAfee: I don’t care who’s here. No lout with bad manners is going to stay here! 819

Randolph: Tell ‘em, Pa! 820

Mr. MacAfee: Zip it, Randolph. 821

822

Mrs. MacAfee: Mr. MacAfee, that young man is our guest and… 823

824 Mr. MacAfee: (to Kim) This is my house, and until you’re eighteen… 825

Randolph: Pa… 826

827

Mr. MacAfee: (stands up) I said enough! Until you’re eighteen… 828

Randolph: But Pa… (Mr. MacAfee cuts him off with a “Dr. Evil” gesture.) 829

830

Albert: Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kim! Randolph! Is this the way you want seventy-five 831

million people Americans to see you? 832

833

Mr. MacAfee: (turns, taken aback) What are you talking about? 834

835

Albert: You’re all going to be on television with Conrad. 836

837

Mr. MacAfee: On television? 838

Albert: I just got the confirmation from New York. From Ed Sullivan himself. 839

840

Mr. MacAfee: You mean we’re going to be on the… (he can’t say it) 841

Albert: Ed Sullivan Show. 842

843

Mr. MacAfee: You mean we’re gonna get to meet… 844

845

Albert: Ed Sullivan! They’re going to cut in on Sweet Apple this Sunday night at 8:05 and 846

you’re all going to be on. That’s why I beg you to put aside your differences. To that great 847

audience out there you’re an American dream come true. And for the free world’s sake, Mr. 848

MacAfee, don’t destroy that dream! 849

850

Mr. MacAfee: Me on the… 851

Mrs. MacAfee: Ed Sullivan Show. 852

853

No. 17: Hymn for a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan) 854 Mr. MacAfee: ED SULLIVAN. Me, Harry MacAfee appearing with… 855

Add Mrs. MacAfee: ED SULLIVAN 856

Add Kim: ED SULLIVAN 857

Add Randolph: ED SULLIVAN 858

Macafees & Angel Chorus: ED SULLIVAN, ED SULLIVAN, 859

WE’RE GONNA BE ON ED SULLIVAN. AAHHHH. 860

861

Mr. MacAfee: I’ve got a wonderful wife – two swell kids – a good job, and now this! 862

All: SOMEDAY WE’LL RECALL THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL, ED SULLIVAN. 863


ACT 1, Scene 8 – Theatre Curtain 864 865

Rosie: (leading him into the space) Well, this is it, Albert… what do you think? 866

867

Albert: It looks great, Rose! Now there’s something I want to talk to you about… 868

about… about you and I, Rose. 869

870

Rosie: You and ME, English teacher. 871

872

Albert: Being away from New York, Rose… has made me see things in a different light. I 873

want you to know that I wrote Mama and… I’ve decided to give up the music business. 874

875

Rosie: Really?! 876

Albert: Yes, I wrote her days ago, and so far I haven’t heard a word! If you ask me, she’s 877

accepted the whole thing by now. 878

879

Mama (from the back of the auditorium): YOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 880

(they freeze and turn slowly, she enters) Three days and three nights on a Trailways 881

Bus…but what’s the difference? I’m only a mother and for a mother a bus is good enough! 882

883

Albert: Mama! What are you doing here? (she mounts the stage) 884

885 Mama: Did you think I wouldn’t come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under 886

the influence of drugs and she should stay at home? (wrings out letter) 887

Pay no attention. It’s only a mother’s tears. (reads letter) 888

“Dear Mama: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. Your friend, Albert.” 889

Dissolved? Dissolve me! I’m a sick old woman who probably won’t last the night. 890

I just want a simple stone with one word carved on it. “Albert’s mother.” 891

892

Albert: Mama! (sees Gloria entering from the front) Wow! Who is that? 893

Mama: I can see you’re overwrought. And don’t worry about a new secretary. It so happens I 894

met on the bus a perfect secretary. A wonderful, refined girl on her way to Akron only I 895

persuaded her to get off here. Sonny… say hello to Gloria Rasputin. 896

897

Gloria: Hi, Al! Hey, you’re cute! 898

899

Albert: But Mama, I don’t need a secretary; I have Rosie! 900

901

Mama: What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she’ll be getting social security. 902

903

Gloria: Well, listen… I don’t just have secretary skills. 904

905

Albert: You do… other things? 906

907

Gloria: I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you would 908

help me get into show business. Watch this! (she dances) 909


Mama: Bravo! Bravo! 910

911 Gloria: Well, do I get the job? 912

913

Albert: I don’t know. I’m used to working with Rosie. However, we have a lot of extra work 914

relating to the TV production this week… 915

916

Mama: Sonny, why don’t you take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types? 917

918

Albert: Well, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could do them. 919

920

Gloria: Of course I can! 921

922

Albert: Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie. 923

924

Rosie: (sarcastically) Why should it make any difference to me? 925

926

Albert: Swell! You just keep working and I’ll go along with Miss Rasputin. (they exit) 927

928

Rosie: I could kill him. I could just kill him. (she becomes upset) 929

930

Hugo: (entering) Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but I’m looking for Kim MacAfee. I just 931

want to tell her that she is NOT to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan Show tonight 932

because if she does, I’ll… Miss Alvarez… is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez! It’s me! 933

Hugo Peabody! Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? 934

935

Rosie: Yes, Hugo… I think you can. (she leads him offstage as the lights dim) 936

937

No. 18: TV Theme (The stage transforms into the Ed Sullivan TV Show.) 938

939

Ed Sullivan: So remember: Your surest way to the best in color slides is to insist on the new 940

Kodak! (applause) And now, the young man you’ve all been waiting to see. (screams) 941

942 Mr. MacAfee: (stumbling up through the audience) Ed, I hear you! Where are you??? 943

944

Ed Sullivan: As you know, in just about 14 hours, one of show business’ brightest talents is 945

going off to play a very special engagement. And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a 946

lucky young lady with One Last Kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet Apple, 947

Ohio where a typical American family, Mr. and Mrs. Harry Mashpee… 948

949

Mr. MacAfee: (reaching the edge, dragging family) It’s MacAfee! Mr. Harry MacAfee! 950

951 Sullivan: And their children, Kim and Rudolph… 952

Randolph: Randolph! 953

954

Sullivan: …are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier… Conrad Birdie! 955


No. 19: One Last Kiss (screams) 956

Conrad: OH ONE LAST KISS, OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS 957

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS 958

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS. 959

960

OH ONE MORE TIME, OH BABY ONE MORE TIME, 961

IT REALLY IS SUBLIME, OH HONEY SO SUBLIME, 962

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE MORE KISS, BAAAABY, 963

GIMME ONE MORE KISS, BAAAABY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS, 964

965

OH ONE LAST KISS, OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS 966

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS 967

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS. 968

(cut mm. 32-72) 969

970

All: ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS! 971

ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH GIVE ME ONE LAST… 972

973

Conrad: (to Kim) Brace yourself, kid! 974

975

Hugo: Brace yourself, Conrad Birdie! (he aims for Conrad’s face) 976

977

Conrad: (puts hands up) NOT THE HAIR! 978

(Hugo punches Conrad in the stomach and Gloria catches him.) 979

980

Kim: Hugo! You hit him! 981

Hugo: He deserved it! He was a… thief of love! 982

Kim: Hugo Peabody! I never want to speak to you again! (storms out) 983

984

Albert: I demand to know who’s responsible for this! Who let that kid in here? 985

986

Rosie: I did, Albert. 987

Albert: Rosie! 988

989

Rosie: It’s a sort of farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. (Gloria and Birdie leave) 990

991 Albert: (chasing her down the stairs) Rosie, come back! You can’t leave me here alone! 992

993

Rosie: You’re not alone, Albert. (pointing at the stage) You’re on television! 994

995

Albert: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 996

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY 997

All: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 998

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! 999

1000

[Lights BLACKOUT – End of Act I] 1001

1002


ACT 2, Scene 1 – Kim’s Room 1003 1004

Rosie: (looking in the mirror) That’s right! From now on it’s just going to be me, Rosie, on 1005

the town, making up for eight years of being in love with a Mamma-clutching, aspirin- 1006

splitting tower of Jello! Oh, Albert! 1007

1008

Kim: Don’t be upset, Miss Alvarez. All men can’t be like that! 1009

1010

Rosie: Every one of them! They’re all the same. From puberty to senility. 1011

From Benedict Arnold to Mussolini… 1012

1013

Kim: Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez? 1014

1015

Rosie: We go on! We live! Sip from the cup of life! Mix the potion and drain it to the dregs! 1016

1017

No. 21: Duet (What Did I Ever See in Him) (beginning at m. 53) 1018

Rosie and Kim: DO WE NEED THEM? NO WE DON’T! 1019

DO WE WANT THEM? NO WE DON’T! 1020

1021

Kim: WILL WE LEAVE THEM? 1022

Rosie: NO WE WON’T. TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? 1023

1024

Rosie and Kim: WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM? 1025

HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE? 1026

TAKE IT FROM US, WE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE! 1027

IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START: 1028

BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART. 1029

WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN… 1030

1031

Kim: Hugo F. Peabody! 1032

1033

Rosie: What? 1034

1035

Kim: Hugo! What did I ever see in him? Why, he’s as bad as Mr. Peterson if not worse! 1036

Miss Alvarez, I’m coming with you! 1037

1038

Rosie: Kim, don’t be ridiculous! You’re only fifteen! 1039

1040

Kim: Juliet was fourteen when she left home. 1041

1042

Rosie: And look what happened to her! Look, Kim, why don’t you go have some milk 1043

and cookies and go to bed… (starts to walk downstairs to the kitchen and sits) 1044

1045

Kim: It’s too late for cookies, Miss Alvarez! I want to live! We’ll sip the dregs together! 1046

We’ll help each other with our potions! (starts to pack, lights fade out on top) 1047

1048


ACT 2, Scene 2 – MacAfee’s House (kitchen) 1049 1050

Conrad: (entering with Albert and Mama) For the last time, Albert, I’m okay and I don’t 1051

feel like sleeping. Now leave me alone. 1052

1053

Mama: Conrad, dear, be reasonable! You’ve had a severe shock. (approaches him, 1054

takes his arm, and leads him to the table to sit down, fussing over him) 1055

1056

Albert: The best thing you can do is get upstairs and… (sees Rosie) 1057

Aha! There she is! The traitor who stabbed me in the heart when my back was turned! 1058

1059

Rosie: (stands to defends herself with her suitcase) Get out of my way, Albert. 1060

1061

Mama: Be careful, Sonny. She may be armed! 1062

1063

Albert: I can handle this, Mama. You go upstairs with Conrad and see he gets into bed. 1064

1065

Mama: Wait for me, Conrad. I’ll make you some Ovaltine. (follows him out) 1066

1067

Rosie: Albert, I’m going tonight and I don’t want to waste another minute! 1068

1069

Albert: Not until I’ve had my say, Rose. (looks defiant and happy) 1070

I just want to let you know that the kiss will take place after all. 1071

Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. 1072

So it looks like you’ve failed, Rose. (stands up very straight and points up) 1073

…As anyone MUST fail who tries to beat Al Peterson, 1074

one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry. 1075

(Continues to pantomime his greatness as Rosie sings.) 1076

1077

No. 23: Reprise (What Did I Ever See in Him) 1078 Rosie: WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? 1079

HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE? 1080

TAKE IT FROM ME, I’VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE! 1081

IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START: 1082

BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART. 1083

1084

Albert: An Empire builder! A Colossus! King Kong! (growls and beats chest) 1085

1086

Rosie: Out of my way, you ex English-teacher-to-be! (hits him with her bag) 1087

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? (Rosie exits) 1088

1089

Albert: (yelling out the door) Rosie, come back! Do you hear me? Rosie! I need you! Rosie, 1090

please come back! Rosie… 1091

1092


ACT 2, Scene 3 – MacAfee’s House (kitchen) 1093

1094 Albert: (family enters) And I don’t care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarez, you’re 1095

through here at Almaelou! You’re fired! Sorry to have to do this in front of you folks, but 1096

I’ve had to let Miss Alvarez go. (phone rings) I’ll get that. 1097

Mr. MacAfee: (a little too loudly. As he sits down) Probably Hong Kong again. 1098

1099

Albert: Hello, this is Albert Peterson speaking. I’m sorry but Miss Rose Alvarez is no 1100

longer with us. That’s right… (stays on the phone and mimes a long phone call) 1101

1102

Kim: (runs downstairs with many bags) Miss Alvarez! Wait for me! I’m coming! 1103

Mr. MacAfee: Where do you think you’re going, young lady? 1104

1105

Kim: With Rosie! To drain deep the dregs and sip full-hearty the brimming cup. To live! 1106

I’m going to start by dying my hair! 1107

Mrs. MacAfee: You will do no such thing! 1108

1109

Kim: It’s my hair! 1110

Mr. MacAfee: Not until you’re twenty-one, it’s not! Upstairs. 1111

1112

Kim: But Daddy… 1113

Mr. MacAfee: Upstairs. Do you hear me? I said… upstairs. 1114

1115

Kim: Miss Alvarez was right! You’re all the same. From puberty to Mussolini. (exits outside) 1116

Mr. MacAfee: What’s that? You dare say “puberty” in front of your own father? Mrs. 1117

MacAfee… we’ve failed as parents! I never asked much from my children. Just respect. A 1118

little respect. But did I get respect? I did not get respect. I get no respect. 1119

1120

Randolph: I respect you, Pa. (Albert increases miming upset gestures on phone) 1121

Mr. MacAfee: I don’t want your respect. You’re a child. Mrs. MacAfee, take me upstairs. I’m 1122

not a well man. Certain words I didn’t want to hear in this house: puberty… (groans, exits) 1123

1124

Albert: (finishing phone call) Now look here! I don’t care what rag you’re from. No small-1125

time reporter can bulldoze me! I happen to be Albert J. Peterson and you can print that in… 1126

what did you say your magazine is called again? Life? (hangs up) Rosie, I need you! (bolts) 1127

1128

Mama: (from offstage) I’m coming Sonny!!! (appears) Albert! Where are you going? 1129

Albert: To look for Rosie, Mama. I love her and I want her back! 1130

1131

Mama: Is that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, bring her back. When 1132

you get back, be sure to stop in the kitchen, take my head out of the oven and turn off the gas. 1133

Albert: Mama, it’s electric. And I’ve had enough of this! If you really loved me, you’d help! 1134

1135

Mama: Oh, sonny, you’re right! I’ll help you find her. (they go out) Only maybe I better give 1136

you the message from Conrad first: he just says he’s going out tonight and he doesn’t think 1137

he’ll get back in time to kiss Kim tomorrow… 1138


ACT 2, Scene 4 – Outside MacAfee’s House 1139 1140

Conrad: (entering) Take it easy! I’m coming… And before you start hollering, Albert, I 1141

just want you to know that I’ve made up my mind. I’m tired of getting up at 9am, having 1142

people watch me when I eat, and letting kids poke me in the eye. I want to have some fun! 1143

Meet a couple of girls! Don’t you understand, Albert. I am tense! 1144

1145

Albert: You can’t go out without my permission! It says so in your contract! Mama, get 1146

the contract. It’s in my… never mind. I’ll get it myself. (goes back in, girls start to walk by) 1147

1148

No. 24: A Lot of Livin’ to Do 1149 Conrad: THERE ARE CHICKS, JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSING, 1150

AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW! 1151

MAN, THOSE CHICKS DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING 1152

I GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO! 1153

1154

SIZZLING STEAKS ALL READY FOR TASTING, 1155

AND THERE’S CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW. 1156

GOTTA MOVE, CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTING, 1157

THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO! 1158

1159

Kim: THERE ARE MEN OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY 1160

WHO ARE SUAVE AND RECKLESS AND TRUE! 1161

OLDER MEN, WHO’LL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY 1162

I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO 1163

1164

Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO 1165

PEOPLE TO SEE, EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME… 1166

(stops singing) Hey, you kids live here, don’t you? 1167

1168

Harvey: Yes, Mr. Birdie. 1169

1170

Conrad: What’s the lowdown on this town? 1171

1172

Harvey: Sweet Apple, Ohio was founded in 1852 by Jeremiah S. Apple who… 1173

1174

Conrad: I mean what do you DO here? Where do you go to have fun? 1175

1176

Penelope: Well, there’s the community center, and the Country Store. 1177

1178

Betty: …and the older kids go to the ice house. 1179

1180

Conrad: What’s there? 1181

1182

Betty: I don’t know. Ice, I guess. 1183

1184


Kim: It just so happens, Mr. Birdie, that the ice house is where people go when they want 1185

to be alone. 1186

1187

Conrad: Hey, ain’t you the girl I was supposed to kiss? 1188

1189

Kim: I am a fully-grown woman and I insist on being treated as such. 1190

That’s why I’m leaving home. 1191

1192

Conrad: Now you’re talking! Come on, let’s move! We got things to do! 1193

1194

(Special dance at some point for Helen, Nancy, April, Deborah Sue, Anna, Eleanor) 1195 1196 Boys: CRAZY CLOTHES AND MOTOR BOAT RACES 1197

Birdie and Girls: SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO 1198

1199

Kim and Ursula: BROADWAY LIGHTS AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES 1200

1201

All: THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO 1202

LOTS OF DATES AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU! 1203

LOOP THE LOOP AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW! 1204

MOONLIGHT SWIMS AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU, Yeah! 1205

YEAH WE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO WOW! 1206

1207

Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY Kids: YOU KNOW IT 1208

Conrad: PLACES TO GO Kids: YOU KNOW IT! 1209

Conrad: PEOPLE TO SEE! EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME! 1210

1211

All: OH LIFE’S A BALL, IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT, 1212

AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU! 1213

YOU’RE ALIVE! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! 1214

OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING 1215

WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO 1216

1217

Mayor/Edna: Alice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight to bed! 1218

1219 Mr./Mrs. Johnson: Harvey Johnson, I want you home this minute! Where are you darling? 1220

1221 Mr./Mrs. Merkle: Do you hear me, Ursula? Mother’s calling you! Ursula! 1222

1223 Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO SEE 1224

EVERYTHING (Kids: Yeah!) FOR YOU AND ME. 1225

1226

All: OH LIFE’S A BALL, IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT, 1227

AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU! 1228

YOU’RE ALIVE! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! 1229

OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING 1230

WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO. OOOOOOOOOOOOO! 1231


Suzie: Isn’t this so incredibly exciting? 1232

1233 Daphne: You said it! I can’t wait to Loop the Loop! 1234

1235 Gigi: Neither can I! 1236

1237 Lisa: Exactly what IS Loop the Loop? 1238

1239 Gigi: I have no idea! But I can’t wait! 1240

1241

Hugo: Robert! Have you seen Kim? 1242

1243

Robert: Yeah! She went off with Conrad and a bunch of other kids. 1244

1245

Monty: Hey Robert! Are you going to raise heck with the kids? 1246

1247

Robert: Yeah… but I had to go home first. 1248

If my mom sees me without my sweater, she’ll kill me! 1249

1250 Monty: Yeah… that’s why I’m late, too. Let’s go! 1251

1252

Melanie: Motorboat Races! That sounds like sooooooo much fun! 1253

1254

Nanette: Yeah! And they’ll be even MORE fun if we can find some water! 1255

1256

Mr. MacAfee: Kim! Kim, where are you? Hugo, have you seen Kim? 1257

1258 Hugo: Don’t ask me. Ask Conrad Birdie… 1259

1260 Mr. MacAfee: What are you talking about? 1261

1262 Hugo: They’re out together having moonlight swims and loop the loop! I’m going to do the 1263

only sensible thing, and drink myself to death! (He runs out.) 1264

1265


ACT 2, Scene 5 – MacAfee House (outside) 1266 Mr. MacAfee: Moonlight swims… Loop the loop! (yells) Doris, get my gun! 1267

1268

Albert: (runs onstage) Mr. MacAfee, you haven’t seen Conrad, have you? 1269

Mr. MacAfee: No, but I intend seeing him, Mr. Peterson. So if you have a message, 1270

I’ll be glad to deliver it right after I shoot him. 1271

Albert: Shoot him! Rosie! I’ve got to find Rosie! (exits, 4 housewives enter) 1272

1273

Mrs. Ward: Harry MacAfee, what are you talking about? You know you don’t have a gun! 1274

Mr. MacAfee: There’s that Daisy Air Rifle in the garage. 1275

Randolph: (sarcastically, from offstage) That’s Randolph’s, dear. 1276

Mr. MacAfee: Shut up. I wonder where I can buy B-Bs this late at night… 1277

Mrs. MacAfee: Anyway, it’s broken, dear… 1278

1279

Mr. MacAfee: Then get me anything! That bow and arrow I bought you for your birthday 1280

with the suction tips! Don’t just stand there! My daughter has run off to loop the loop with a 1281

fiend! Get me a water gun! Where’s Randolph? 1282

(Randolph enters dressed like Conrad.) 1283

1284

No. 25: Kids 1285 Mr. MacAfee: KIDS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY. 1286

KID, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY? 1287

KIDS, THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT DISRESPECTFUL OAFS 1288

NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS 1289

AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT 1290

1291

KIDS, YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE.. 1292

Mr./Mrs. Johnson: KIDS, BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. 1293

Mr/ Mrs. Merkle: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? 1294

Mr./Mrs. J and M: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? 1295

1296 Ladies quartet singing: KIDS, 1297

(Mr. MacAfee: I don’t mind the moonlight swims; it’s the loop the loop that hurts.) 1298

KIDS, (Why don’t they lower the draft age… to about eleven?) 1299

KIDS, (I didn’t know what puberty was until I was almost past it!) 1300

1301

Mrs. MacAfee: KIDS, THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL 1302

Mrs. Ward: KIDS, WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL 1303

Ladies Quartet: WHY CAN’T THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID? 1304

Mr. MacAfee: WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAMMY KAYE? (music stops) 1305

1306

Randolph: Pop, here’s my pea shooter! 1307

Mr. MacAfee: Perfect! Give it to me! 1308

1309 Men and Housewives of SA: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? 1310

[Blackout]1311


ACT 2, Scene 6 – Outside Fern’s Country Store 1312 1313

Hugo: Miss Alvarez, my whole world is collapsing before me! No one in Fern’s will give me 1314

a drink and Kim’s run off with Conrad to the ice house. 1315

1316 Rosie: Kim and Conrad! I’ve got to call Albert! Hugo, come with me! (exit into Fern’s) 1317

1318

Dwight: (leading Albert, who is leading Mama) Here is it, sir. Fern’s Country Store. 1319

1320 Albert: Here I come, Rosie! I told you I’d be right there! Hurry, Mama! 1321

1322 Mama: I don’t know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it 1323

would be better not to find in the first place. (Dwight exits) 1324

1325

Albert: Mama, I told you I’m not coming home until I find Rosie! Now if you want to 1326

leave, that’s okay with me. As a matter of fact, why don’t you go home, Mama. 1327

1328 Mama: What did you say, sweetheart? 1329

1330

Albert: I said, “Why don’t you go home, Mama?” 1331

1332 Mama: Would you mind repeating that once more, dear? 1333

1334

Albert: I said, “Go home, Mama.” I don’t need you anymore. 1335

1336 Mama: So it’s here! The day I knew would come at last, has come at last! 1337

My sonnyboy doesn’t need me anymore. Well, what are you waiting for? (waits, no reaction) 1338

Get rid of me! Put me out with the garbage! Never mind putting a lid on. Leave it open so a 1339

hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a mother. (starts to leave, turns) 1340

1341

And by the way, sweetheart, darling, I got some good news for you. I got the report from 1342

the hospital. It’s absolutely definite. I got a condition. (turns to assess whether he is listening) 1343

1344

And the one thing doctors can’t cure is a condition. I don’t want you to worry, though. 1345

Fancy funerals are for rich people. I don’t want you to spend a cent. Just wail ‘til Mother’s 1346

Day, wrap me in a flag, and dump me in the river! (proceeds out) 1347

1348

Albert: Goodnight, Mama. 1349

1350 Mama: You’re just like your father! You’d marry anything! Goodnight, Sonnyboy! 1351

1352

Albert: My name is not Sonnyboy! 1353

1354 Mama: Goodniiiiiiiiiiiight…. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaalbert! (exits) 1355

1356

No. 31: Instrumental Glory, Hallelujah 1357


ACT 2, Scene 7 – Outside Fern’s Country Store 1358 Dwight: (leading Mr. MacAfee) Here he is, sir. Right where I left him. 1359

Mr. MacAfee: (enters) Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and Kim? (Dwight runs out) 1360

Albert: (a new man) Ah, there, Mr. MacAfee! Unfortunately, I must tell you that Conrad’s 1361

affairs no longer interest me. I’m looking for Miss Alvarez now to tell her that… 1362

(stops suddenly) Did you say “Conrad and Kim”??? 1363

1364 Mrs. MacAfee: They’ve run off together! 1365

Mr. MacAfee: And if we don’t find them soon, Mr. Peterson, I will call the FBI! 1366

Albert: I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about… 1367

1368 Dwight: (running in, out of breath, leading Mrs. Merkle) Here they are, Mrs. Merkle. 1369

Mr. Merkle: Mrs. MacAfee! Mr. MacAfee! Have you seen Ursula? (Dwight staggers out) 1370

All: Ursula? 1371

1372

Mrs. MacAfee: Is she missing, too? 1373

Mrs. Merkle: Since ten o’clock! I’ve looked everywhere! 1374

Mr. MacAfee: Mr. Peterson! 1375

1376

Dwight: (appears, gasping, followed by parents, Mayor, Edna) 1377

Mrs. Johnson: Mrs. MacAfee, you haven’t seen Harvey, have you? 1378

Mothers: (adlib) And Melanie! And Monty! 1379

1380

Albert: They’re probably all down at the library… maybe having one of those gang wars! 1381

(realizes what he said and exits, dragged out by Dwight) 1382

All: Gang wars!! 1383

1384

No. 32: Kids Reprise 1385 All: KIDS! 1386

Mrs. Merkle: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY 1387

1388

All: KIDS! 1389

Mrs. Johnson: WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY 1390

1391

Randolph: KIDS, THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS AND SO IMMATURE, 1392

I DON’T SEE WHY ANYBODY WANTS ‘EM. 1393

Mrs. MacAfee: JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE 1394

1395 Randolph, Dwight, Jerry: KIDS, THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL 1396

Mrs, Ward: SOON YOU’LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE 1397

1398

Randolph, Fred, Karl: KIDS, W/ THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES & THEIR ROCK & ROLL 1399

Edna: ANOTHER TEENAGE DELINQUENT, 1400

1401 Randolph: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY 1402

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS… TO… 1403


All: KIDS, WHAT THE DEVIL’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY 1404

KIDS, WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN OUT THAT WAY 1405

WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY 1406

1407 Edna & Mrs. MacAfee: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS 1408

Randolph: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS 1409

All: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY! 1410

1411

Hugo: (enters drunk from store) Hi, everybody! Good old Hugo here! 1412

Mrs. MacAfee: Hugo Peabody! What have you been drinking? 1413

Hugo: Milk. But it worked! Anyhow, I’ve got a perfect right to be drunk. 1414

My girl’s gone off with Conrad Birdie to… 1415

1416 Rosie: (enters) Albert! 1417

1418 Albert: (enters) Rosie! Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you all night! I have 1419

good news for you, Rosie! I did it! I sent Mama home! I am a new man, Rose! 1420

1421

Rosie: Albert, Conrad and Kim have gone to the ice house! 1422

1423 Parents: (adlib) The ice house! Call the police! 1424

1425

Conrad: (enters) Albert! Thank God you’re here! You gotta protect me! 1426

Albert: Protect you? From what? (screams from all corner of the stage and audience) 1427

1428

Ursula: (entering with kids) Conrad! 1429

Lisa: We’re coming with you, Mr. Birdie! Do you mind if I call you Conrad? 1430

Conrad: Coming with me??? 1431

1432

Fred: Yeah! We’ve got a lot of living to do! 1433

Betty: We’ll follow you to the ends of the earth! 1434

Clara: We’ll never go home again! Except for meals! 1435

1436 Daphne: Nothing ever happened in Sweet Apple until you showed up! 1437

Eleanor: Yeah. It was kind of like The Music Man, but different! 1438

1439 Nanette: We’ll never be bored again!!! 1440

Anna: Moonlight Swims! 1441

1442 Roy: Motorboat races! 1443

Karl: Loop the loop! 1444

Roy: Does ANYONE know what Loop the loop is??? 1445

1446

Vanessa: We’ll go to parties every weekend! 1447

Suzie: Just like in the 7th grade! 1448

Conrad: That stuff really ain’t as much fun as I made out… (Cop enters) 1449


Mr. MacAfee: There he is! The depraved brute! Arrest that man! 1450

(Boys all run out, afraid of the Sweet Apple Cop) 1451

(Each parent grabs two girls leaves; remaining few girls and Hugo and Kim stay with Birdie.) 1452

1453 Cop: Well now, what have you got to say, Mr. Birdie? 1454

1455

Conrad: (to cop) Help me. 1456

1457 Cop: I’ll have to place you under arrest until this gets straightened out. 1458

1459 Conrad: Finally, a normal person in this town. 1460

1461 Cop: But first, can I have an autograph? (Cop takes Conrad out, quick change for last scene) 1462

(They are followed by remaining girls except for Kim and Hugo) 1463

1464

Kim: Hugo! 1465

1466 Hugo: Kim! 1467

1468 Kim: Hugo, I still want to live, but not if it’s without my steady. (they exit) 1469

1470

Albert: I’ve got to get Conrad out of jail. 1471

1472 Rosie: Listen to me! You go back to the house and I’ll go down to the courthouse and 1473

try talking to the mayor… 1474

1475

Albert: Rose, did you hear me? This is the new Albert! Now listen to ME. 1476

Pack and meet me and Conrad down at the station by 6:30am tomorrow morning. 1477

And bring the necessary legal papers, because I intend making you Mrs. Peterson by 2400 1478

hours tomorrow! (runs out after Conrad to change for last scene) 1479

1480

Rosie: Oh, Albert! 1481

1482

Mama: YOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (enters, stops suddenly) Oh, hello, Rose. 1483

1484 Rosie: Hello, Mae. (shaking hands politely) 1485

It’s so nice to see the woman who by tomorrow evening I’ll be able to call… 1486

1487

Mama: Don’t say it! 1488

1489

Rosie: Mother. 1490

1491

Mama: The cruelest word I ever heard. I’d better go now. Goodbye, Rose. 1492

1493

Rosie: Call me Mrs. Peterson. 1494

[Lights Blackout, 6 chimes]1495


ACT 2, Scene 8 – Sweet Apple Railroad station (morning) 1496 1497

Albert: There’s no one here! Come on… 1498

1499

Conrad: (dressed like Rosie, in women’s clothes) Now look, Albert. 1500

1501 Albert: Shut up and get on that train! It took every cent I had to bail you out, and I don’t 1502

want you seen until we’re out of this state! Now get aboard! 1503

1504

Conrad: Wait a minute, buddy boy! You saved my life, and whether you pay me no 1505

guarantee or not… you got a contract with me forever. 1506

1507

Albert: Conrad, what are you saying? 1508

1509

Conrad: Here’s a blank piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert. You just fill in 1510

whatever you want. (Albert reads the paper and gets very excited.) 1511

1512

Mama: (appearing right behind him) Hello, Albert. 1513

1514

Albert: (he freezes) Mama! 1515

1516

Mama: (to Conrad) Rose, you look good for a change! 1517

(to Albert) I know all about you two. Don’t worry. I won’t make a fuss. 1518

(starts to lie down on the train tracks) I’ll do what any intelligent mother has to do. 1519

1520

Albert: Mama, get up and get on that train! I have no time for any nonsense… 1521

1522

Mr. MacAfee: (enters) Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what you’ve done 1523

with Mr. Birdie! He’s not in the jail! 1524

1525

Albert: How should I know where he is? I haven’t seen him all night. I’m just down 1526

here to say goodbye to… Rosie. (Conrad opens soda which spews.) 1527

1528

Conrad: (he sees Mr. MacAfee) Daddy-O! 1529

1530

Mr. MacAfee: (shocked) Mr. Peterson! 1531

1532

Mrs. MacAfee: Now there’s no point getting excited, dear! After all, there’s no real harm 1533

done. Kim and Hugo are back together again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing 1534

happened. He proposed to her this morning and she accepted. 1535

1536

Mr. MacAfee: AHHHH!!! 1537

1538

Mrs. MacAfee: Dear, what’s wrong? 1539

1540

Mr. MacAfee: My life is over now. I’ll sell the house and go into a home. (they exit) 1541


Conrad: (escorting Mama) Yoo hoo! Albert, the train’s leaving! Get on! 1542

1543

Albert: Bye, Conrad. 1544

1545

Mama: Albert!!! 1546

1547

Conrad: Albert, don’t leave me with your Mother!!!! (train whistles and pulls away) 1548

1549

No. 38: We Love You, Conrad Reprise 1550 Offstage Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 1551

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. 1552

WHEN YOU”RE NOT NEAR US, WE”RE BLUE. 1553

OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU. (train whistle) 1554

1555

Rosie: (enters) Well, here I am, Albert. Six-thirty on the button. Where’s the train? 1556

1557

Albert: Rosie: 1558

It left at six-twenty-five… Albert, you told me to be here at … 1559

…with Conrad. … at six thirty sharp. I know because… 1560

…and Mama. Albert… you wanted to miss that train! 1561

1562

Albert: It stands to reason, Rose. (waits, no reaction) 1563

Why get on a train to New York when we’ve got tickets to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? 1564

1565

Rosie: What’s in Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? 1566

1567

Albert: An opening in the teaching staff of Pumpkin Falls Middle School. I read about it 1568

in this morning’s paper. And I hope you’ve brought your documents, Rose, because they 1569

prefer the applicant to be married. 1570

1571

Rosie: You’re going to teach middle school! Oh, Albert! (they hug) 1572

No. X: Bye, Bye, Birdie Reprise 1573 All: BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, WE’RE GONNA MISS YOU SO, 1574

BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, WHY’D YOU HAVE TO GO? 1575

1576

Sweet Apple Girls: NO MORE SUNSHINE - IT’S FOLLOWED YOU AWAY, 1577

Adults: THEY’LL CRY BIRDIE ‘TILL YOU’RE HOME TO STAY. 1578

1579

Girls: I’LL MISS THE WAY YOU SMILE, AS THOUGH IT’S JUST FOR ME, 1580

AND EACH AND EVERY NIGHT I’LL WRITE YOU FAITHFULLY. 1581

1582

Adults: BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, THAT TRAIN WILL TAKE YOU THERE, 1583

All: BYE, BYE BIRDIE, GUESS WE’LL ALWAYS CARE… 1584

1585

Bows: 1586 JUST SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! 1587

bye bye birdie script

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