10 simple tips for building a working time machine

By Adam Larter

Introduction

So, I’ve been building time machines for quite a while now (both in the past and present). It started off as a bit of a hobby. I find it quite relaxing. When you’ve had a long days work it’s a real pleasure to go home and build a few time machines. Like we say at Time Machine Club; Time really flies when you’re having fun . . . Building time machines.

About the author.Adam Larter is a ‘genius’ – The Scotsman 2012. In the year 2013 he is working as a comedian in London, in the future he rules the earth as a vicious and unforgiving dictator. Look forward to that :p

1. Use a Sega Dreamcast

Most of the parts that are needed for a very basic time machine can be found in a Sega Dreamcast. Many people don’t realise that the Sega Dreamcast was originally designed to be a time machine but abandoned as a product in favour of a more accessible time-machine. Do make sure you remove the game before you travel though. A friend of mine ended up trapped in Sonic Adventure 2 for 6 years!

Time Machine

A standard Sega Dreamcast My Mark 2 Time Machine

2. Drink a lot of coffee.

As of 2013, I have built 46 time machines. I couldn’t be half as productive if I didn’t have a huge amount of coffee. In an average day I’ll have 4 large Americanos, 6 cappuccinos and the odd Ristretto.

Drinking coffee makes you feel really good and drinking too much of it makes your brain work faster and BETTER. Imagine if your brain could be working faster? That’s practically time travel right there to be able to think faster than everyone else anyway anyway. If you have too much coffee you wont be able to sleep and that’s when I built most of my best time machines. Time machines time machines.

3. Be patient with your time particles

A good time machine uses good time particles. Time particles can be found in lots of things: Clocks, Museums and Time magazine. I won’t bore you with the detail but its these particles that make time travel possible. To activate them properly you need to remove them with premium washing up liquid and soak them overnight. If you do not soak them properly you risk transporting only parts of your body through time. Everyone knows the story of Mike James from Stratford-Upon-Avon who transported his willy to 2089 because he was impatient with his time particles. If you are buying your time particles off the internet make sure they have been properly prepared – many people claim they have but, let’s be honest, probably not.

An un-soaked time particle A fully prepared particle, after 6 weeks

4. Construct in large open spaces

Your time machine is likely to be very large when you are finished. You’re going to need to have a lot of room to work around it as well so remember that garages, attics and cupboards just are NOT SUITABLE. I like to construct in massive, giant venues or open public fields.

The upside to a giant concert venue is the good access to electricity and knowledge of upcoming theatrical productions. The downside to constructing in a giant concert venue is the great great cost of hiring it out vs the very little income generated by spending months building a time machine. If you are building a time machine though you should stop moaning. Please stop moaning.

5. Do not construct your time machine in America

I am not proud to admit it, but I have been kicked out of the united states 12 times for ‘Constructing illegal weapons’ which they are talking about my time machine. There are some countries which welcome your advanced technology – but I am afraid America just is not one of these countries. It turns out that they had people spying on me for agggggess because I was building ‘suspicious devices’. Well guess what I completely prove you wrong America – when I travelled to the future and took over the world America was the first place which I conquered and yeh, I enjoyed it. So you definitely reep what you sow – and you can’t sow anything now after the way that I detroyed all of your natural resources. Hahaha win!

6. Don’t complain

A lot of people come to me and say ‘My time machine isn’t working, I’ve spent the last 26 years working on it and my wife has left me blah blah blah my life is ruined’. Well, guess what? Building a time machine isn’t easy. You know what will help you build your time machine a whole heap quicker? Shut up complaining and build the damn thing!

We’ve all had several wives leave us but who cares – you’re building a time machine. Whatever has gone wrong will all be cancelled out by having a time machine. I’ve been to the future – it’s amazing and definitely worth it and some of the good bits from the past are quite good too – so basically shut up. Stop moaning.

7. Rewatch Along Came Polly

It’s well known that Ben Stiller is from the future (makes sense now right?) but his agents have always advised him to keep this a secret. For those in the know he peppered the smash hit film ACP with hundreds of references of how to build a time machine. If I am ever lost for inspiration or something isn’t quick clicking I rewatch and before you know it I’ve built another time machine AND been ruddy entertained to my bones while doing it – am I right??

Things to look out for are the ferret who explains the converse parralax equation and the Jennifer Anniston’s hilarious euphamism’s for the Quantum Aerospasm during the boat scenes – it’s worth watching for that alone.

Sam the ferret, a tribe ruler in the year 2197

8. Smash a lot of things

The reason why a lot of great scientists have never really cracked the secret of time travel is they are always focused on ‘research’ and ‘logic’ but actually time travel is much easier. It’s all about smashing things – just get yourself a big old hammer and smash the fuck out of stuff. Not only does this release valuable time particles but it also decreases Quantum Plankitude and Warpanzer Pernance.With your system optimised you should be able to time travel any weekend of your choice. Different types of smashing are likely to produce different types of time travel – for the most pleasant time travel experience try smashing stuff up to music. I highly recommend the works of SmashMouth – particularly their song ‘AllStar’ really speaks to me that song!

NEINI travel back to watch this everyday. There I am

10. Once you have built your time machine, go back in time and tell yourself how you built it.

The reason I am so good at building time machines is I always remember to help myself in the past. Time machines are great like that.

I didn’t even write this presentation – I paid someone in the future to do it and then send it back as a .ppt file to myself in the past – everything is so much easier that way.