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By Tina Schultz, CDFA™

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DIVORCEBROKEN LINK October 2012

Published By Tina Schultzwww.brokenlink.ca/divorcenews.php

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The trauma of divorce can trigger emotions similar to the trauma of the death of a close family member. The five stages of grief as defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler appropriately describes the roller-coaster ride many people may also experience during a divorce.

Denial - This is usually the first of our reactions to a loss; it is a defence mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless, overwhelming and numbing. We wonder how we can make it through the day or even minute. People in denial often withdraw from their normal everyday life and routine and become isolated. Denial may never be felt at all to some.

Anger - Anger is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation. People that are grieving often become upset with the person or situation which put them in that position. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. Be careful with anger as it can extend not only to your friends, your family, yourself and your soon to be ex spouse,

Not everyone will go through these stages, and may not be in this specific order, but use this as a guideline to help you answer any questions you may have regarding your emotions during your divorce. If you feel you cannot do this on your own, get help immediately, talking to someone will help. Copyright 2012 © Broken Link Divorce Planning

Proper planning and expert help from a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ can increase and improve your chances of arriving at a fa ir settlement in your divorce that fully addresses your long term needs and goals.

Tina Schultz, CDFA™

“Divorcing With Integrity”

P 403.880.0857E info@brokenlink.caW www.brokenlink.ca

Five Possible Stages of Grief During a Divorce

which doesn’t help the situation at all. Pain is associated with anger and we usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Bargaining - In the bargaining stage you will do anything to make the pain go away. After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. The “if only’s” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.

Depression - This stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness and shouldn’t be confused with clinical depression. It is the appropriate response to a loss. We withdraw from life, feeling sad, anxious, empty, helpless, worthless, irritable or restless. When a sense of finality is realized feeling depressed is part of the process of healing.

Acceptance - Acceptance is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing the situation without trying to change it. This should not be confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. We may never like this reality but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it, having good and bad days. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, and new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we move, we change, we grow, and we evolve. We begin to live again and understand there is a new beginning on the horizon. This is really the beginning of the healing process.

A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst may not be able to help you with the emotional grieving process, but handling the complex financial issues that face divorcing couples and helping clients make informed decisions about their financial future is what we can do. Knowing that divorce is extremely emotional, having an expert there to help you can be comforting, reassuring and less stressful.

By Diana Shepherd, CDFA™Financial Health Check-up Take this short quiz to find out whether you get a clean bill of financial health – or if you require emergency care. 1)  Do you have life insurance? a) yes b) no c) don’t know d) through my spouse

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We Are Still A Real FamilyI assure my children that while our way of being afamily has changed, we are still a real family

I ReassureI remember to gently reassure my children that I love them andwill always take care of them...no matter what.

I Am HereI show my children every day that I am always here for them-in person, via phone,e-mail, texts-now more than ever before. They need not fear that they will lose me.

I Help My Children Cope SuccessfullyI find gentle ways to interpret the changes for my children andcoach them on ways to help themselves and learn life skills.

I Help My Children Feel Safe And HopefulI act in a way so that my children feel safe and hopeful about the future.

I Protect My Children From My Stress And FearsI take care of myself, get good advice and support, and reduce my stress.I do not pass my stress or fears to my children.

I Protect My Children And Keep Them Out Of The MiddleI keep my arguments and frustrations with the other parentprivate and out of the child’s hearing and sight.

I Keep Order And StructureI help my children feel a sense of order and securitywith a daily routine, eating meals together and house rules.

I Take Time To Play And Talk To My ChildrenWe laugh, play, hang out, listen, talk, and enjoy!

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2)  In terms of 401(k)s/IRAs/RRSPs, you:a) maximize contributions every yearb) make sure you contribute something every yearc) seldom make contributionsd) wonder what are 401(k)s/IRAs/RRSPs?

3)  When dealing with credit cards, you: a) pay off the full balance every monthb) try to pay off the full balance, but at least make the minimum paymentc) suspect I’m in trouble, but can’t live without them d) don’t have any credit cards

4)  Your approach to managing your finances could best be described as: a) my spouse always handled the money b) I balance my checkbook and put away a little money every month c) I have a monthly, yearly, and five-year plan d) when I have money, I spend it all (and then some)

5)  Do you know where your money goes each month? a) yes – down to the penny b) yes – give or take $100 c) I think so, but I never seem to have as much as I thought I had d) it just magically seems to disappear

6)  How much of your income do you save and invest for short- and long-term goals? a) 25% b) 10% c) 5% d) Nothing: I live from paycheck to paycheck

7)  Are you saving for your children’s college costs? a) yes: I’m right on track b) yes, but it isn’t going to be enough c) no: they will have to pay their own way d) I don’t have children

8)  Do you have an up-to-date inventory of your personal property? a) yes: down to the last set of drink coasters b) I know what’s mine, but it isn’t written down anywherec) I haven’t gotten around to it yet d) What do I need that for?

9)  Do you have an up-to-date inventory of your marital property?a) yes: and it has all been valued b) I know what’s mine, my spouse’s, and what belongs to our family c) I haven’t gotten around to it yet d) what is marital property?

10) Are you going to be shopping for a mortgage or home loan after your divorce is finalized?a) yes b) I think so c) I don’t think so d) no

11) With regard to you tax returns, you: a) prepare them yourself and file on time every year b) review them with the person who prepared them c) trust the tax-preparation professional to get everything rightd) have never filed a return

12)  If disaster struck (your house was destroyed, your child needed emergency surgery, or you lost your job), would your family be provided for?a) yes: I have insurance policies to cover all theseb) maybe: I’m not sure what my insurance coversc) I would have to ask family and friends for helpd) no: I don’t like to think about bad things happening to me or my family

13) With regard to your marital home, you: a) know its current value, including how much is still owed on the mortgageb) know its current value, but not how much is still owed on the mortgagec) trust my spouse to give me my fair shared) are determined to keep it no matter what

14) Do you know the location and amounts of all of your investments: including savings, stocks and bonds, real estate, art, jewelry, and collections?a) yesb) I think soc) I’m not sure: my spouse took care of these sorts of thingsd) I have no idea

15)  If either you or your spouse own a business, how much do you know about it? a) everything: I have a current valuation, including debts and assetsb) quite a bit: I meet with the bookkeeper for quarterly updatesc) very little: my spouse takes care of the businessd) nothing

How to Figure out your FHQ (Financial Health Quotient)For each “A” response, give yourself 3 points; For each “B” response, give yourself 2 points; For each “C”, you’ll earn 1 point; For each “D”, you get 0 points – except for #3 and #7, where “D” is worth 3 points.

How Financially Healthy are You?30-45 points: Congratulations! You seem to have things under control, and are planning for a secure financial future.

15-30 points: Not bad, but you need to start taking better care of your financial health. Seek help in areas where you know you’re weak: from tax planning to budgeting.

0-15 points: You need to seek professional advice yesterday! Your financial pro can show you where you are today, and where you’ll be tomorrow – helping you to create goals as well as a realistic plan for achieving them.

If you scored low on this quiz, then you must begin managing your cash flow immediately. You also need to set priorities and goals, and start to allocate your resources accordingly. Look at your spending patterns and see if they are in line with your priorities and goals; whenever possible, you should reduce the amount spent on low-priority items to make more funds available for your high-priority goals. A CDFA can help you analyze the short- and long-term impact of your divorce as well as the pros and cons of different settlement proposals, so ask your CDFA to explain the costs and benefits of a particular proposal before you sign it.

You might think that when two people with adult children enter into a remarriage arrangement, blended family struggles would be non-existent. You might think their children would be supportive of the remarriage, pleased that their parent has a second chance at a happy and loving relationship. You would think that there would be fewer issues between step kids and step parents. Not necessarily.

Expectations for an all-adult blended family - When people with adult children from previous relationships marry and form an adult blended family, they generally have an entirely reasonable expectation they will be free to concentrate on each other and simply enjoy being together. They have already raised their own children, and look forward to a relationship free from the stress and tension they might have expected if they were raising step kids

What is the problem with adult kids in a blended family - What, you may ask, is their problem? What do grown children have against their parent being happy? Why aren’t they pleased you have found a new relationship and someone to share

a lonely life with? Well, their problem is probably the same as it might be if they were still living at home. Children in a blended family are often afraid their parent will choose their new spouse over them; that things will change in ways they do not like; that they are no longer number one in their parent’s life.  Adult children of a blended family are, after all, still the children of their parents, and sometimes revert to childish behavior.

Grown up accommodations - Even as our adult children build their own lives, choosing a mate, having children and perhaps even moving far away, all seemingly without a glance backwards, in their heart of hearts they expect their parents to remain the same as they have always been. The very idea of their widowed or divorced parent being sexually active is alarming in and of itself! When they are ready, adult step kids will accept that we do not seek approval for our life decisions any more than they themselves sought approval for their own relationship or career decisions.

Reasonable expectations - Tension and disappointment often results when

Step Parents Struggles with Adult Step KidsBy Shirley Cress Dudley

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the parents expect everyone will magically and immediately bond into one happy family. The truth is, many step kids are simply not ready to welcome the remarriage or their new stepparent with open arms. When you approach this new relationship with your step kids, try to treat them in the same pleasant, courteous and respectful manner you would welcome a new associate at work. Adopt a patient wait and see attitude, acknowledging that friendship and trust takes time.

So, if you and your adult step kids have a slow start, be patient. Be wise. Be understanding. Be philosophical. But mostly, just be patient.I take care of myself, get good advice and support, and reduce my stress.I do not pass my stress or fears to my children.

For more information visit The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Copyright 2012 © www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com

Tina Schultz, CDFA™

Broken Link Divorce News

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Sudoku Game

Divorce Resolution Options2 8 7

3 8

8 1 4

4 7 6

8 7 5 6 4

5 7 1

9 8 6

8 9

2 5 4

Litigation - a legal process where parties argue their case against each other through the usage of discovery and court room procedures. Very expensive and a judge decides your future for you and your children.

High Cost $$$$

Low Cost

Low Conflict High Conflict

Arbitration - a formal process just like going to court, if parties remain deadlocked on certain issues. Both parties will meet with the arbitrator and present their respective positions, both parties must be prepared to accept and abide by the arbitrators ruling.

Collaborative Law Practice - both parties retain an individual lawyer. Downside is, if you can’t reach a satisfactory settlement you might be headed to court, both lawyers are disqualified you have to start whole process over again with new lawyers. Legal fees can get high in this process.

Mediation - a neutral third party helps with unresolved issues using negotiation techniques and the parties decide what happens.

Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ - a financial expert in property and asset division and provides expertise related to financial issues of divorce. Creates a rock solid personal financial analysis for the client to make sure the client understands the short and long term financial impacts of different settlement proposals. Works with mediators and Lawyers to make sure the property division is fair.

Resolved at Your Kitchen Table

While I am a strong advocate of shared parenting - it worked very successfully for me - I do not believe it’s the right or only answer for everyone. Because every situation is different when it comes to divorce, I certainly don’t believe legislation should be determining custody outcomes for any family.

When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other and innocent children inevitably pay the price. When custodial decisions move into contention, creating a scenario where lawyers, legislation and courts determine the direction of your children’s future, you not only lose power in your life, you lose harmony within your already fragile family structure.

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win - on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs - on the children. To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

• What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?

• How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted

• upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?

• How can we best support our children through this diffcult timee?

• How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for -- or create?

• What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being

• during the transitions ahead? • Who can provide the least traumatic home

environment for the children - and • for what percent of each day, week, month

and year?• How can each of us best contribute our assets

- physical, emotional and spiritual • to create harmony, good will and peace

within the changed family structure?• How will our children look back at this

divorce a year, five years, ten years and • more from now? Will they understand?• How can we make life better for our children

after the divorce than it was before?

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children’s best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details. That’s where you can enlist the aid of professionals -- mediators, Certified Divorce Financial Analysts, therapists, counsellors, life coaches and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-focused perspective.

When parents let the negative emotions they’re feeling toward their spouses - hatred, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, anxiety, frustration, mistrust and more - influence their decisions about child-custody issues, they are sabotaging their children. It is selfish, insensitive and extremely unproductive to let your personal vendetta determine the relationship your children have with their other parent.

Child Custody – Putting Your Children FirstBy Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. To order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, www.childcentereddivorce.com/?ap_id=BrokenLinkCopyright 2012 © Rosalind Sedacca