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Forgiveness,Change,andTransforma3on

SkillsforNaviga3ngtheTimeBetweenNoLongerandNotYet

JoanBorysenko,Ph.D.November3,2008

ChangeistheOnlyConstant

Remember.Thisisatripintheunknown.Wedon’tnowwherewe’regoing,orifwedo,we’reonthewrongroad.

‐FatherThomasKea3ng

TheWisdomofChange

 Youcan’tchangethepastbydefini3on.

 Youcan’tchangewhat’shappeningnow,becausethecondi3onsleadingtoithavealreadyripened.

 YoucanchangethefuturebyleQngstressprovidethefeedbackyouneedtocreateamoreskillfullife.

ScienceSpeaksofBuRerflies

TheGiUsofUnwantedChange

Iamthankfulthatthornshaveroses.

‐AlphonseKarr

ThreePhasesofTransforma3oninRitesofPassage

  Separa3onfromtheknown:Deathoftheego.

  TheLiminalStage:Dwellingintheplacebetweennolongerandnotyet.

  TheReturn:Bringingbackwisdomforall.

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PhaseI:Separa3onfromtheKnown

ExileandDeathtotheoldself

•Destruc3onoftheTemple•Thelightningstrucktower•BanishedfromEden•ParadiseLost

Phase2:EnteringtheUnknownTheliminalstageofBetwixt and Between

•wanderinginthewilderness

•notboynotman;notgirlnotwoman

•theflood

•Theseusinthelabyrinth

•Jonahinthebellyofthewhale

TheMiddleJourney:TheOrdeal

HanSolointhesaloon:Iden3fyingenemies,alliesandamentor.Itcanbehardtodis3nguishtheliesofanenemyfromthehelpofanally.Anenemysupportsyourlimitedself.Anallysupportsthetruenatureofyourowninnerstrengths.Noonecandirectyourjourney,sinceit’sunique.Buttheycanpointyoutowardfreedomandtransforma3on.

Phase3:TheReturnTransformedConnec3onwithEssenceorTrueNature‐‐Happiness,Purpose,Service

•TheNewJerusalem

•Camelot

•Odysseusreturninghome

•DanteemergingfromthePurgatoriointotheParadiso

•Innana’sReturnfromtheUnderworld

•TheResurrec3on

TwoKindsofStories  EgoStory(Chronos):Externallyfocusedstriving:wherewe’regoing,whatwehopetodowhenwegetthere,andthefrustra3onswemeetalongtheway.

  EssenceStory(Kairos):Internallyfocused:whowearebecoming,ourjourneytothediscoveryofwhat’smostmeaningfulandprecious.

SomeCommonBlockstoChange  Fear  Numbness

  PrideandKnowing  ARachmenttooutcome

  Sloth  Anger/Blame

  Co‐Dependence  Pessimism

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LiminalSkillsfortheTimeBetweenNoLongerandNotYet  Curiosity  S3llness  Inquiry  Gra3tude  Presence  Forgiveness  Pa3ence

CenterandRelaxtoCul3vateHeartWisdom

Medita3onandMood•Medita3onelicitsthe

relaxa3onresponsewhichdecreasesdepression,anxiety,obsessivethinking.

•Canchangethehappinesssetpoint

•Ac3vatesleUprefrontalcortex

•Developsmindfulness

ManagingMindandEmo3ons

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Op3mismandPessimism

KobasaandMaddi

3C’sofStressHardiness

•Challenge

•Control

•Commitment

“Stressfuleventschallenge

metochangeandgrow.”

Mar3nE.P.Seligman

3P’sofPessimism

•Personal

•Pervasive

•Permanent

“It’smyownfault,Imessup

everythingIdo,andit’sthe

storyofmylife.”

AStressHardyAQtude

Learntogetintouchwiththesilencewithinyourself,andknowthateverythinginlifehasapurpose.Therearenomistakes,nocoincidences,alleventsareblessingsgiventoustolearnfrom.

‐ViktorFrankl

StressastheFuelforCrea3vityThedifferencebetweenwhereyouareand

whereyourbestselfwantstobeprovidestheenergyfortransforma9on.

Growingfromthiscrea3vetensionrequires

1.  Acceptanceofwhatisandtrustinwhatwillbe

2.  Allowingthenewtoemergeaccordingtoitsown3metable

Inquiry:AnAlchemicalApproach

Workingwiththetheenergythatcomesupinawaythatletsitreturntoitsbasicnature.Everythingiscompostforgrowingpeaceandinsight.

Accep3ngtheSitua3on

Learnthealchemythattruehumanbeingknow.Themomentyouacceptwhattroublesyouhavebeengiven,thedoorwillopen.

‐Rumi

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TheGuestHouse‐RumiThis being human is a guest house Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

“The practice of forgiveness is never easy, because it is always a courageous, defiant act against our instincts of hatred and revenge, and against the odds of getting hurt again.”

-Paul Wong

Un‐forgivenessandHealth

•anxiety,depressionandhos3lity

•paranoia

•narcissismandcallousnesstowardothers

•psychosoma3csymptoms

•heartdisease

•incidenceofotherphysicalillness

•stress

AFewFactsaboutForgiveness

 94%ofadultsthinkthatforgivenessisagoodthing,butonly48%havetriedit.

 Theolderwegetthehigherwescoreinforgivenessofothers.

 MenprefertheterminologyofleQnggoofgrudgesratherthanforgiveness(Thoresen)

UnderstandingForgiveness

 BiblicalGreekwordforforgivenessisaphiemi,whichmeansleQnggo

 Transforma3onoftheforgiverratherthanapardonoftheoffender

 Forgivenessversusreconcilia3on Pseudo‐forgivenessversusgenuine ForgivingGod

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ForgivenessisfortheForgiver

 “Angerislikeahotcoalyoupickuptothrowatsomebodyelse,butit’syouwhogetsburned.”‐TheBuddha

 “Hatredisabanquetun3lyourealizethatyouarethemaincourse.”‐HerbertBensonMD

 “LeQnggoofagrudgeisawaytoreturntothepeacefulcenterinsideyou.”‐FredericLuskin,Ph.D.;formerdirectoroftheStanfordForgivenessProject

GeneralForgivenessPrinciples  Recognizethepriceofholdingon,anddon’twaitforan

apology.It’suptoyoutochangeyouraQtude.

  Recallthereliefyoufeltwhenforgivenbysomeoneelse.

  Prac3ceunderstandingandempathy.

  Writeaboutunexpectedinsights.

  Performasymbolicact.

  Forgivingisn’tforgeQng,butrecallgetslesspainful.

  Begentlewithyourselfandremembergrace.

CuriosityandGra3tude

Grateful=Mindful=Present

www.gratefulness.org

DailyGra3tudeExercises  Increasedalertness,enthusiasm,determina3on,aRen3venessandenergy

  Increasedtendencytohelpothers  Greatersenseofconnec3ontoothers  BeRersleep  Lessstress Moreop3mismwhichincreasesimmunefunc3on

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms… I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

‐MaryOliver

When Death Comes

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