bob's burgers sample spec- love is dog eat dog
DESCRIPTION
It's Valentines Day, and Bob is at the last place he'd want to be.TRANSCRIPT
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. HEALTH INSPECTOR VAN - NIGHT
A noir styled man’s silhouette can be seen CLACKING away at a typewriter. The view shifts from the shadow cast by a harsh lamp light, to the man casting it. HUGO HABERCORE, a short portly man, with a serious tench coat and a serious face. As he types, he speaks what he writes.
HUGOWhen I started this gig I never knew this was going to be my life... I always thought I’d have something big. Take down an international Salmonella spree or clean the streets up after a Mad Cow fiasco. But no. I get stuck with the crummy jobs, the dirty jobs...
RON, an actually normal Health Inspector, peeks in from the driver seat.
RONOh, but we did have that string of E-coli on Saint Patties day! You know when the bars thought the green in the beer was food dye but it was actually E-coli? That night everyone was crapping in the...
HUGOI told you to never interrupt me while I’m writing a report, Ron!
RONRight, sorry.
Back to our regularly scheduled noir flick.
HUGOThe dirty jobs no one else will take. Take for instance, our current case. The Dog Eater.
The music rises to a thrilling crescendo. Ron interrupts again.
RONWe could type on the laptop. Would make writing these easier.
HUGORON!
RONRight, right. But you know you narrate your reports?
HUGOLet me have this, Ron.
RONOK.
The typing resumes.
HUGOThe Dog Eater. Someone out there has been sellin’ dog, and I intend to find out who.
A CHINA MAN exits from WONG’S CHINESE BUFFET holding a box. He sees the van and makes a break for it.
HUGO (CONT’D)Oh, no you don’t!
Hugo flings the door open to the rainy world outside and pursues China Man down a dark alley.
China Man is well ahead, but Hugo is gaining ground. China knocks trash cans down in his wake, but Hugo grabs his bulky belly and hops over them.
China pulls out egg rolls from his pockets, and throws them behind him like ninja stars. Hugo, graceful as a nimble but fierce tiger, dodges these too.
Knowing the end is nigh, China Man turns a corner, tosses the box into a dumpster and keeps running. Hugo, with speed only matched by a cheetah on steroids, sprints and lunges, taking the Man down to Chinatown.
HUGO (CONT’D)Who is it! Whose the guy you were selling the dogs to?
CHINA MANMOO GOO GAI PAN! WONTON SOUP!
2.
The subtitles below him read, “I US Citizen. Why you run after me little fat man?”
HUGOTryin’ to play tough guy, huh?
CHINA MAN(In heavy accent)
What? You crazy. Talk sense.
HUGODrop the act. We’re taking you in...
As he takes China Man away, the view shifts back to the dumpster. The box has broken open, left over Chinese food spilling out. A LITTLE DOG takes a few bites, then seeks shelter inside of dumpster to get out of the rain.
END OF TEASER
3.
ACT I
INT. BOB’S BURGERS - DAY
Bob’s Burgers is quiet today. Unusual for this store, but it’s just the way Bob likes it. BOB BELCHER, your average balding dad, continues his daily struggle at selling enough burgers to keep his family from the poor house, which would probably be a step up from their current home.
Bob takes a step back to admire his work of art today. The chalkboard reads “Burger of the Day: My Heart will go Onion Burger. Served with Artichoke Hearts and Onion Rings.”
BOBPerfect.
The sound arguing breaks the serenity of the burger joint.
TINAWhat if he doesn’t give me a card though?
TINA BELCHER, thick speckled and odd, comes through the door. She’d be the perfect hipster, if her awkwardness came from something hip and not her budding preteen sex drive.
Behind her comes LOUISE BELCHER, a four foot tall terror in pink bunny ears.
LOUISEAnd what if no one gives you a card? Who cares!
GENEYeah! I never get any cards for Valentine’s day. They just point at me and say, “Hey you, stop stealing my candy.”
GENE BELCHER is the kid people wouldn’t pick in gym class to be on their team, and sleep soundly at night with no regrets.
TINAI just want something to love me.Something with a butt. A butt that’s all mine.
LOUISEEw, gross. Dad!
4.
BOBYeah, Tina, how about instead of that... I get you a burger?
He pulls out three plates with burgers, bun open to reveal a heart shaped patty, their names signed in ketchup.
LOUISEA burger on Valentines. That’s a new one Dad. What’s next, cupid themed fries?
BOBNo.
He pushes the plate of arrow shaped fries further under the counter out of view.
TINAI like Dad’s heart burgers. If you look at them at just the right angle they look very appealing.
She pushes the curves of the heart to her.
TINA (CONT’D)Butts you can taste...
Bob takes the burger and passes it to Gene.
BOBAnd just like that I question my career path.
GENEDid you get Mom a burger too?
BOBNo. Last year’s Barbra Bunklee fiasco got me to plan ahead of time.
TINAWhat did you get her?
BOBOnly everything she could ever want. It’s a day of Linda.
LOUISEHow’d you manage to find out everything she could want?
5.
BOBLinda’s my wife. Married people have that kind of connection.
LOUISEYou paid Teddy and Mort?
BOBI paid Teddy and Mort.
GENEI wonder what Mom’s perfect day would look like?
INTERCUT TO:
INT. THEATER
Almost empty theatre. On stage, a MAN DRESSED AS A FLOWER, pelts another man dressed as ABRAHAM LINCOLN with shrimp. This is an experimental theater's attempt at expressing capitalism.
The Flower and Abe bow. LINDA BELCHER, stands and applauds. The fact that no one else is, only means she should do it louder.
ABEFor our next act, I will need a budding actor to assist us.
Linda’s jaw drops.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. BOB’S BURGERS
A BELL TINKLES, and Hugo and Ron enter.
BOBOh no, not today.
HUGODon’t worry Bob. I’m not here to shut you down. I just need some information.
BOBNo, I will not tell you what kind of gift Linda wants. Yes, she’s still happy in our marriage.
6.
HUGOBob, what Linda and I had was special, but that boat is long since set sail. I’ve moved on.
BOBOh good.
HUGOWhy, did she say anything?
BOBNo.
HUGONot anything, even in passing.
BOBNot even a little bit.
HUGOBob, I’m here to ask you about... The Dog Eater.
The music rises to a thrilling crescendo.
BOBThe what?
HUGOThe Dog Eater!
The music rises to a thrilling crescendo again.
BOBI’m sorry I didn’t quite understand. Hot dogs?
RONHugo thinks someone has been selling dog at restaurants.
BOBWhy would anyone do that?
HUGOI don’t know Bob. But that’s what we’re going to find out.
BOBWe?
7.
HUGOOf course. While I may be a heath inspector, I can’t seem to blend into the black market of the restaurant world.
RONHe forgets to take his tag off.
HUGOBut that’s where you come in. They’ll see a greasy guy like you and think, “He’s one of us.”
BOBI’m not greasy.
HUGOYou’re very greasy and sweaty Bob. So they’ll talk to you, and then we bust them.
BOBI can’t just leave my store. Plus the kids are here.
HUGORon will take care of your kids. We have investigations to cover.
BOBI’m not going.
HUGOBob, its a good thing I stepped in here, after all I seem to have noticed that there’s a stain on your apron that is very similar to dog blood.
BOBAlright fine! I’m going. Kids!
Gene, Louise and Tina come from kitchen.
BOB (CONT’D)I’m going out with Hugo. Ron’s going to look after you. Ron are you sure...
HUGOHe’s fine. We have a Dog Eater to hunt down.
8.
Once more, a thrilling crescendo. Then silence.
Bob sighs and leaves with the ecstatic Hugo, leaving the kids alone with Ron.
The kids stare at Ron.
He stares back at them.
Louise coughs.
RONI actually have to get back to work. You kids are fine by yourself, right?
GENEOf course not.
LOUISEYeah, probably not.
RONOh well, I still have to work. I have a job.
LOUISEYeah, OK.
END OF ACT I
9.
ACT II
EXT. WONG’S CHINESE BUFFET - DAY
The buffet in front of Bob and Hugo is as Chinese as french fries are French. Tacky ornaments decorate the place and a poster promoting speed dating hangs on the window.
HUGO(Noir Styled)
Wong’s. I got a gut feeling he’s the supplier. If I can pin him, then I can pin the buyer.
BOBAre you narrating?
HUGONo of course not... Look, speed dating!
BOBYeah, so?
HUGOWe can use it as a cover.
BOBDid you just bring me out here so you can have a wingman?
HUGONo, I just conveniently found a coupon that is buy one all you can eat, get the second one free.
BOBSo your taking me out to dinner.
HUGONo, you’re taking me!
He smiles innocently.
BOBI’m not going to pay for you.
HUGOAbout that apron.
BOBFine!
10.
Bob digs into his pocket as they enter the store.
EXT. BACK OF BOB’S BURGERS
Tina lugs a full trash bag to the dumpster. She opens it, and the Little Dog pokes it’s head out.
Tina drops the bag.
TINADid I wish you and you came true?
The dog barks.
TINA (CONT’D)Do you understand me?
The dog barks again.
TINA (CONT’D)Bark two times if you came to grant my wish of love.
The dog is silent.
TINA (CONT’D)Good enough.
She picks it up and brings the little thing inside.
INT. WONG’S CHINESE BUFFET
Both Hugo and Bob sit at a table with numbers pinned to their chest. One is excited, the other not.
BOBI thought we were here for the Dog Eater, not speed dating.
HUGOPatience. It’s the perfect cover. And we’re here for his supplier. That will lead us to the buyer.
BOBOK. But when do we try to, I don’t know, investigate or something?
A MICROPHONE SCREECHES, ELDERLY WOMAN speaks.
ELDERLY WOMANAlright. It time to speed date!
11.