Best Loved Gags

by Mike Finley

Printed in an edition of three for John, Chan and Steve

© 2015

Knock-knock ...Leave me alone!

Title: Depressing KnockKnock Joke

They thought they could tyrannize uswith their luxuries and

entertainments,their plentiful food and freedom of

movement,the "benefits" of literacy,

the "order" created by laws,their "life extending" vitamins and

antibiotics,their social safety net and robust

economic system.

Title: We Showed Them

I met an old beggar, sitting in a hedge,by a coffee can heavy with centavos.

His distinguishing feature was acrippled arm,

broken at the wrist at birth, his shriveled thumb and fingers

forever gripping his elbow.Coming from a family of beggars, the infirmity was seen as a sign of

favor that there was no height he could not

attain.

Title: Hedge Fund Manager

The Nightime Tide On Lake Winnebegoshish

Complains

ish

ish

ish

He seemed a cheery soul with hisstovepipe hat

and corncob pipe,standing on the terrace on Ashland

Avenue,until you saw his eyes and mouth

were madefrom frozen sticks of dog poop.

Title: The AbominableSnowman

There's a lump in my throatand it came from this can.

Title: Lawsuit

This Poem Requires That YouRespond Like A Johnny

Carson Audience

Did you hear my dog won thePowerball?

Boy, was he happy.

(HOW HAPPY WAS HE???)

About as happy as usual.

Freedom to ChooseFilling out my Conscientious Objector

form in 1968, I came to this question:

Do you advocate the overthrowof the United States Government

by force or violence?And after some deliberation

wrote down,force.

How To Be the Life Of the PartyKeep breathing

after everyone else has stopped.

Don'tgive up

on your dreams --keep

sleeping!

Rx for HappinessAdmire your

daylilies dailily.

Playing the OddsThe guy who was afraid of flying

now takes a bomb with him on every flight.

Because what are the odds, hecalculates,

that two people on this plane willhave a bomb?

The MurderessThe reverend was visiting a

condemned woman on Death Rowhours before her execution.

"My child," he asked, "what was your crime?"

"I stabbed an evil man, who had hisway with me, then bought

a ticket to St. Louis." "Dear woman," the minister said,"don't you know you can't stop

an evil man from going to St. Louis?"

When Muzak Doesn't HelpWhen the root canal procedure enters

a tricky phaseand the great Roy Orbison is singing

his classic hit "Crying."

I'm Considering Suingthe judge who called

all thirty-four of my current lawsuits

frivolous.

My Therapist SaysI plant psychic traps

for my enemies to step into.We’ll see about that.

Is That Red Velvet Cake With Buttercream Frosting?

If not, what did you juststep into in the dark?

Surprising DiscoveryIt's only after studious examination

of the life habits of insectsunder a magnifying glass,

that you realize how common it isfor them to burst into flame.

You like it so much,I'm prepared to sit right here

till you finish the entire sweater.

Title: Eat Up, Moth

Drunken Young Man Swaying In the Check-Out Line at Cub

"Is this enough toilet paperfor this amount of groceries?"

Compounding InterestIf you can set aside a small sum,

Even as little as five dollars a week,And you invest it in an interest-

bearing account,And you keep adding to it week after

week without fail,After thirty years you will be amazed

How little you have saved.

I have a friend who's a five-starastrophysicist,

that is to say, not a very good one.

Title: Out of Trillions Of Stars He Noticed Only Five

You Know What I Hate?

I hate when people use long words they don't understand

in order to make themselves seem perpendicular.

The Best Thing About Being A Poet

Your whole life is deductible.

CorrectionWhoever came up with the phrase

more fun than a barrelful of monkeyscannot have had to deal personally

with the hair-tearing,dung-flinging chaos

of having a barrel openedwhile you are having people over.

Sure, it's "fun" ...

Why Did the Buddha Sit Under the Tree?To get to the other side.

We IrishIt is said we hate the body

and tis true.It is said we punish

with silenceand we do.

Slow to anger, slow to judge,good thing we never

hold a grudge.

The China SyndromeWhat kind of a nuclear power plant

are you operatingwhen your top technical expert is

Wilford Brimley?

I'm Glad I Don't Have Bird Feet

It would be so hardto put socks on.

Little Tiny HandsI am so touched by your tiny hands.They are like an invitation to me to

take care of you,to protect you from harm,

to kiss your sweet small knuckleswith multiple kisses,

which is strange because the rest of youis pretty large.

The Nice Thing About Going To Heaven

You probably never have to pray again.

A Man With A HoleThere was a man with a hole in him

that he thought nothing of.

When he showed it to people,they said to him,

That doesn't look right at all.

But don't all men have holes, the man asked.

Yes, they said, but you should really have that looked at.

How Good Of A Guy Was He?He worried

that the flesh-eating bacteria were not getting enough.

CritiqueI slapped the man's manuscript

in my hand.“Your work seems like a form of

masturbation.”

He clasped me by the shoulders andwept.

“Finally, someone understands!”

Aerosol Tears

for today's sad personon the go

Win Your Children’s AttentionWhen they are thirteen sign them up

for the Mars mission.Then during the two-year

space voyage,call them every six weeks or so

on the radio.They will be so glad to hear from you.

Bumper Stickers

I break for green lights.My gun is my friend – my only friend.

My 6th grader is nothing special.I heart my dog and think that makes

me a good person.Honk if you're white.

Coexist – because I know where you live.

I'm stupid -- and I vote.