baby tips for mums
TRANSCRIPT
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Baby Tips for Mums
Simon Brett
s u m m e r s d a l e
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Baby Tips for Mums
Copyright Simon Brett, 2005
The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has beenasserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs andPatents Act 1988.
Condition of SaleThis book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade orotherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form ofbinding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similarcondition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd46 West StreetChichesterWest SussexPO19 1RPUK
www.summersdale.com
Printed and bound in Great Britain
ISBN 1 84024 528 X
http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/ -
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Contents
Introduction.......................................................5
Mums the Word.................................................7
Daddy Dearest.................................................31
Mummy Training...............................................43
The New Mums Dictionary..............................57
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Introduction
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6
Well, there you are. Youve put in all that hard
work. Youve spent nine months producing whatis undoubtedly the most beautiful and intelligent
baby in the world, and youd have thought the
one thing you really deserve now is a nice long
rest. The trouble is, thats not the way the babysees things. Nor frequently is it the way your
partner or other family members will see things.
So, to help you survive what is going to be an
unfairly busy stage of your life, here are a few tips
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Mums the Word
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Basic Rules:
In the early weeks a New Mummust prepare herself for a lot of
screaming and tantrums and thats
just from her partner.
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The relationship between a New
Mum and her Baby is a power
struggle and you may as well
face the fact straight away the Babys going to win.
Basic Rules:
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When breastfeeding, dont think ofyourself as a canteen. Thinking of
yourself as a gourmet restaurant is
much better for your self-esteem.
Basic Rules:
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With Babies, everything ends in
tears from one or other of you.
Basic Rules:
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Getting your figure back after
youve had your Baby is an
admirable ambition, but then
so is world peace and finding anNHS dentist and pigs flying
Basic Rules:
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When a Baby is being dressed,either it seems to develop one
more limb or the garment seems to
develop one less hole.
Basic Rules:
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The night after you said your
Baby slept through the night for
the first time, it wont.
Basic Rules:
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For the convenience of Parents,Baby Buggies fold. For the
inconvenience of Parents,
Babies dont.
Basic Rules:
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You must never say that your Babyis prettier/better-natured/more
intelligent than anyone elses
even though its obviously true.
Basic Rules:
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However much you would like itto be, a Baby will never be
a matching accessory.
Basic Rules:
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You can always recognisea New Mum by:
The deep hollows under her eyes.
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The encrustation of puke
over her shoulder.
You can always recognise a New Mum by:
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The fact that shes still in her
dressing gown at lunchtime.
You can always recognise a New Mum by:
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The lingering aroma
of sterilising fluid.
You can always recognise a New Mum by:
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Her inability to sustain adult
conversation.
You can always recognise a New Mum by:
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The disappointed, neglected look
in her partners eyes.
You can always recognise a New Mum by:
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Daddy Dearest
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You can tell your partner willbe a good Dad when:
He offers to look after the Baby
while you go off for a girlie
weekend with your friends. (Oh
yes?)
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He says, The Baby was crying
in the night, but you looked so
peacefully asleep that I sortedeverything out. (Come on!)
You can tell your partner will be a good Dad when:
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Hes decided that, now hes got theresponsibility of a Baby, hes going
to give up drinking with the boys
and stay at home every evening.(Lets get back to the real
world, shall we?)
You can tell your partner will be a good Dad when:
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Your partner should
be discouraged from:
Getting into discussions with
your mother about
A) Childcare,
B) Education,
C) Anything, really
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Wanting to dress your
Baby in any team strip.
Your partner should be discouraged from:
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Asking if he can take his paternity
leave in cash and keep working.
Your partner should be discouraged from:
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Pretending, when youre breast-
feeding in public, that hes withsomeone else.
Your partner should be discouraged from:
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Thinking that wetting the Babys
head should continue on a nightly
basis until after its finished school.
Your partner should be discouraged from:
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Mummy Training
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F B b it i t f h t
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Hold back a really big Poo until
immediately after a nappy change.
For a Baby its a point of honour to:
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For a Baby its a point of honour to:
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Listen out for the words, I think the
Babys settled for the night now,
and prove them wrong.
For a Baby it s a point of honour to:
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For a Baby its a point of honour to:
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Know when its Mum really wants
to show it off and develop a nasty
facial rash just before the event.
For a Baby it s a point of honour to:
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Be prepared for your mother
to say the following:
You think your labour was tough,
but let me tell you, when I hadyou
Be prepared for your mother to say the following:
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I love your Baby very much, butI dont want to be thought of as
a free baby-sitting service.
Be prepared for your mother to say the following:
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Be prepared for your mother to say the following:
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Just because youve had a Baby,
thats no excuse to let yourself go.
p p y y g
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Be prepared for your mother to say the following:
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Everybody says I look far too
young to be a grandmother.
p p y y g
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The New MumsDictionary
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ANAEMIA : This fashion for givingBabies Victorian names is really
getting out of hand.
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AU PAIR : A young woman
whose presence in the housegives you time to yourself,
and your partner ideas.
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BABY-SITTING CIRCLE : A
reciprocal arrangement whereby
Parents seem to spend every night
looking after other peoples children
and then find nobodys free on the
one evening theywant to go out.
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BABY WALKER : A father at 3 a.m.,
having been told that a fewturns round the block may
make the Baby settle.
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BATHTIME : A daily contest
between Baby and Parent
to see who can get wetter,invariably though unwillingly
won by the Parent.
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BEDTIME STORY : A childish
fantasy like, for instance, the idea
that your Baby goes to bed and to
sleep at the same time every night.
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BREAST PADS : Equipment usedby women cricketers.
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BURPING : Something you have
to do for your Baby, but whichyour partner can manage without
any help from anyone.
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COMFORTER : Whatever works
for you (partner, lover, Celine DionCD, big box of chocolates, Maeve
Binchy novel, Chardonnay, gin, etc.)
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CONTRACEPTION, MOST
EFFECTIVE METHOD AFTERBABYS BIRTH : The Baby.
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FEEDING TRAY : An attachment
to a High Chair, something fora Baby to push food off.
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HEARING TEST : The moment at
the doctors when your Baby, who
up until that point has been woken
by the sound of a fly landing on a
cushion in another room, is
suddenly unable to hear a drumbeing
banged next to its ear
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banged next to its ear.
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INTRODUCTION OF SOLIDS :
The Babys discovery that Lego
bricks fit into its mouth.
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LABOUR : The process of
giving birth, so called because its
BLOODY HARD WORK.
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NAPPY RASH : All-purpose
explanation for any bad behaviourfrom Baby.
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OTHER MUMS : Most probably,
your salvation. Therell always be
one whos worse at the whole
business than you are.
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PARENTAL DISCIPLINE : When
theres a New Baby in the house, it
is important to establish whos boss.But dont worry about it.
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ROLE MODEL : Someone who
has completely got her figureback after having a Baby.
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ROLL MODEL :
A) What you look like, havingcompletely failed to get your
figure back after having a Baby.
B) The little figurine of a ROLE
MODEL you make out
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of bread, to stick pins in.
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STERILISATION : Procedure
recommended for dirty nappies anddirty-minded partners.
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TEETHING : All-purpose
explanation for any badbehaviour from Baby.
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TEETHING RING : A group of
Babies who all decide to whingeat the same time.
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WEANING : Getting your Baby off
the breast. Any Baby worth its saltcan make this process last for years.
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WIND : All-purpose explanation for
any bad behaviour from Baby.
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A FINAL
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A FINALTHOUGHT
When your Babys being a right
little pain, and you see a signreading Baby Changing Facilities
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