Assertiveness 101:Assertiveness 101:

Intro to Saying What You Intro to Saying What You Mean Mean

and and

Meaning What You SayMeaning What You Say

Three Patterns of Three Patterns of CommunicationCommunication

AggressiveAggressive

Nonassertive (Passive)Nonassertive (Passive)

AssertiveAssertive

Aggressive BehaviorAggressive Behavior

Directly standing up for personal rights Directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts and beliefs in a and expressing thoughts and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the inappropriate, and always violates the rights of the other personrights of the other person

Aggressive BehaviorAggressive Behavior

Goals of Aggressive BehaviorGoals of Aggressive Behavior::domination and winningdomination and winningforcing the other to loseforcing the other to lose

Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpowering other people so belittling, or overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to that they become weaker and less able to express and defend their needs and rightsexpress and defend their needs and rights

Aggressive BehaviorAggressive Behavior

Nonverbals intend to dominate or Nonverbals intend to dominate or demean the otherdemean the other

Eye contact that tries to stare down, Eye contact that tries to stare down, dominate the otherdominate the other

Sarcastic, condescending tone of voice; Sarcastic, condescending tone of voice; loudloud

Parental body gestures such as Parental body gestures such as excessive finger pointingexcessive finger pointing

Reasons People Act Reasons People Act AggressivelyAggressively

To get your point acrossTo get your point across Don’t know another way to get your point Don’t know another way to get your point

acrossacross For personal gain, controlFor personal gain, control To avoid your own personal responsibilityTo avoid your own personal responsibility Low self esteemLow self esteem Anger related to previous nonassertionAnger related to previous nonassertion Don’t have other coping mechanismsDon’t have other coping mechanisms Reacting to another’s aggressionReacting to another’s aggression

Consequences of Consequences of AggressionAggression

The other person gets defensiveThe other person gets defensive Get rid of anger or other emotionsGet rid of anger or other emotions Lose friendships, other intimate relationships, Lose friendships, other intimate relationships,

damage relationshipsdamage relationships Affect work, lose jobAffect work, lose job Lose respectLose respect

Nonassertive BehaviorNonassertive Behavior

Violating your own rights by failing Violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs and thoughts, and beliefs and consequently permitting others to consequently permitting others to violate youviolate you

Nonassertive BehaviorNonassertive Behavior

Goals of nonassertive behavior:Goals of nonassertive behavior:to appease othersto appease othersto avoid conflict at any costto avoid conflict at any cost

Message communicated:Message communicated:My thoughts aren’t important; I don’t countMy thoughts aren’t important; I don’t countI’m nothing; you are superiorI’m nothing; you are superiorI don’t respect your ability to take I don’t respect your ability to take

disappointments, handle your own disappointments, handle your own problems. . .problems. . .

Nonassertive BehaviorNonassertive Behavior

Evasive eye contactEvasive eye contact Body gestures such as stepping back from Body gestures such as stepping back from

the other, hunching shoulders, covering the other, hunching shoulders, covering the mouth, nervous gesturesthe mouth, nervous gestures

Voice tone may be singsong or overly softVoice tone may be singsong or overly soft Hesitant speech pattern, nervous laughterHesitant speech pattern, nervous laughter Gestures which convey weakness, anxiety, Gestures which convey weakness, anxiety,

self-effacementself-effacement

Reasons People Act Reasons People Act NonassertivelyNonassertively

Avoid confrontationAvoid confrontation PersonalityPersonality Fear of hurting the other personFear of hurting the other person Fear of rejection, losing the other personFear of rejection, losing the other person Avoid aggression Avoid aggression Self esteemSelf esteem Lack of skillsLack of skills Cultural differences Cultural differences

Consequences of Consequences of NonassertionNonassertion

Not getting your point acrossNot getting your point across Nothing changes, problems can get worseNothing changes, problems can get worse Damages self esteemDamages self esteem Can lead to aggressive behaviorCan lead to aggressive behavior Other people can take advantage of youOther people can take advantage of you

Assertive BehaviorAssertive Behavior

Standing up for personal rights and Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways which do not violate appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rightsanother person’s rights

Assertive BehaviorAssertive Behavior

Goals of Assertive Behavior--Goals of Assertive Behavior--

to get and give respectto get and give respectto ask for fair playto ask for fair playto leave room for compromise when the to leave room for compromise when the

needs and rights of two people conflictneeds and rights of two people conflictto communicate and develop mutuality to communicate and develop mutuality

in relationshipsin relationships

Assertive BehaviorAssertive Behavior

Involves respect, not deferenceInvolves respect, not deference

Two types of respect:Two types of respect:respect for oneselfrespect for oneselfrespect for the other person’s needs respect for the other person’s needs

and rightsand rights

Assertive BehaviorAssertive Behavior

Basic Message:Basic Message:This is what I thinkThis is what I thinkThis is what I feelThis is what I feelThis is how I see the situationThis is how I see the situation

This message expresses who the person This message expresses who the person is and is said without dominating, is and is said without dominating, humiliating, or degradinghumiliating, or degrading

Assertive BehaviorAssertive Behavior

Assertive Behavior is NOT:Assertive Behavior is NOT:

simply a way to get what you wantsimply a way to get what you wantmanipulativemanipulativeaggressiveaggressiveirresponsibleirresponsible

Assertive Behavior Assertive Behavior

Nonverbals are congruent with verbalsNonverbals are congruent with verbals Voice is appropriately loud to the Voice is appropriately loud to the

situationsituation Eye contact is firm but not a stare downEye contact is firm but not a stare down Body gestures denote strengthBody gestures denote strength Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, Speech pattern is fluent, expressive,

clear, and emphasizes key wordsclear, and emphasizes key words

Assertive CommunicationAssertive Communication

I language Communication--3 parts:I language Communication--3 parts:

I feel . . . (describe your feelings)I feel . . . (describe your feelings)when . . .(objectively describe the other when . . .(objectively describe the other

person’s behavior)person’s behavior) It’s tangible effects on you . . .(describe how It’s tangible effects on you . . .(describe how

the other person’s behavior concretely the other person’s behavior concretely effects your life or feelings)effects your life or feelings)