Are you having problems getting a date (or getting laid!) because you:

a)  Are not-so-good-looking

b)  Only have P5 in your savings

c)  Have a dry sense of humor

d)  All of the above

If your answer is D, then chances are you're still a virgin eagerly waiting for #ThatDay (here's a

digital pat on the back, brother).

While economics and natural selection may have screwed you up when it comes to attracting the

opposite sex, we're here to tell you that a little smarts and a little help from science may just fix

your dilemmas. Below are five science-approved techniques.

1)   KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR OVULATING FEMALES

In the five- to seven-day window that fertile women are fast approaching or  actually “laying their

eggs,” female pheromone receptivity/responses change from “negative” to “neutral,” her libido

spikes, and your once funky-smelling private radius becomes biologically “okay.”

Real-world application: Maneuver dates and engagements when she’s ovulating. How to tell:

She’s bloated, flushed, and literally hotter than usual (rise in body temp). Or by decidedly developing

a semi-stink, then invading her private space and asking, “Mabaho ba ako?” If she says no, then she

might be.

Will it work? A by-and-large hit-and-miss affair that you’re welcome to self-experiment on with

women who haven’t menopaused. No harm in living dangerously.

2)   TAKE MATING CUES FROM DARWIN

Never mind if you did or didn’t buy the idea that we were descended from fishes, saging, and apes—

it was after all, the same Charles who pointed out that “deliberate mate selection” meant it’s the

female species who are charged to pick which member of the opposite (or same) sex they screw,

not the other way around. That bit could be true.

To grossly summarize the English naturalist’s sexual selection theory, there are two ways the male

species gets laid: 1) By killing off competing males, or emerging as the winner in a scuffle between

rivals,2) By parading or exaggerating natural-born or world-acquired assets, aka peacocking it.

Real-world application: But because killing people for a screw isn’t on top of your agenda, and

neither are looks nor flashy things—the smart route is to straddle safely in the middle: pick a skill

you’re barely or really good at, like fastest beer-and-burger downing time (covers peacocking), then

find a doubtlesslybano rival, or pretend-bano wingman to challenge to a throw down (covers the

combat bit).

Make sure women are watching and make sure you win.

3)   SWEAT CALCULATINGLY

To settle the amoy-lalake-is-good-because-it-turns-her-on debate: androstenol, a hormone in “fresh

male sweat” does spike female libido and makes you attractive to females. But androstenone,

produced after pawis  is oxidized, creates B.O. and repels her.

Additionally, research group Social Issues Research Center headquartered in the UK says

androstenol (the likable part of sweat) can only be whiffed at a distance of 18 inches.

Real-world application: Run up and down a flight of stairs or do jumping jacks until the first sign of

a treacle, then position pawisan body part (ideally arms or batok) less than two feet away from

target. Alternately, accidentally purchase any of the creepy, dosed beta-androstenol spray brands

that promise instant sexual charisma, peddled on Ebay.

Will it work? If biochemistry and biology are to be believed—yes. However, you might look a bit

goofy doing so.

4)   FORECAST HER ASTROLOGICAL CLIMATE

"Humanap ka ng panget, iha"

More than finding out what her moon and sun signs are, and how this mystically affects your game

standings, let’s not forget that the movement of mammoth living chunks of rocks, plus gassy spheres

of hydrogen and helium—and its relation with every atom in your made-up human body—is at its

basic, quantum physics (“we are all made of stars”). So let’s try to keep an open mind and not give

QP Professor Madam Auring the stink eye.

Real-world application: A quick cheat sheet to outer-earth body movements:

The Sun: Pagbibilad positively affects your sexual organs, the scientific rationale being it boosts

your testosterone levels.

The Moon: Affects various species’ libido when new or full, the rationale being it affects large bodies

of water evident in tidal pulls, and humans are biologically composed of roughly 78 percent water.

The Planets:

Will it work? No one knows for sure. But if it doesn’t, it’s still a handy conversation starter. Who isn’t

the least bit intrigued by the unexplained?

5)   SEEK OUT GENETIC OPPOSITE SEX

While anyone can argue that husbands and wives, or long-time girlfriends and boyfriends, have a

tendency to look progressively like each other as the relationship stretches, geneticists say females

at their core are biologically wired to seek out partners who are their genetic opposite.

Based on looks, she's probably our genetic opposite (we wish):

Real-world application: Direct your advances towards women who have less and less physical 

similarities to you. The lesser they’re like you, the higher your biochemical chances. And don’t even

think it’s going to happen with your cousin.

Will it work? They always did say opposites attract. But the way she’s bio-engineered is a clever

little way of self-preservation: Our major histocompatibility complex (MHC)—the group of genes that

thwart viruses and disease-causing bacteria—work better when the pairing isn’t the same. Meaning

she’s choosing her genetic opposite to produce healthy babies. On a side note: She can find males

with dissimilar MHC at a whiff. See, it’s all connected!