session five: the core emotional need for healthy autonomy & performance session five: the core...

SESSION FIVE: THE CORE EMOTIONAL NEED FOR HEALTHY AUTONOMY &PERFORMANCE

Lifetraps Stemming from Impaired Autonomy & Performance

6. Vulnerability to Illness or Harm7. Dependence / Incompetence8. Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self

9. Abandonment / Instability10. Subjugation11. Failure

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits

Vulnerability to Harm or Illness vs Confidence Regarding Harm or IllnessDependence / Incompetence vs Independence & Competence

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits

Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self vs Differentiation & Developed SelfAbandonment / Instability vs Security & Stability

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits

Subjugation vs Assertiveness & Self-ExpressionFailure vs Mastery & Success

Helping your children to develop some or all of the following traits and beliefs:

confidence about safety and wellness, independence and competence,a differentiated & developed sense of self, security and stability, assertiveness and self-expression, and optimism.

• I am my own person with my own identity.• I can do many things by myself.• I am free to chart my own direction with

guidance from trusted advisors.• I am free to have a different opinion than that

of my parents.• I am allowed to go places on my own as long

as I conduct myself responsibly.

• I think my parents worry about me when I get hurt or sick but not overly so.

• My parents tell me they are proud of me.• My parents’ trust in me to make wise choices grows

each year as I prove myself in new situations.• Situations in life will turn out for the best, in

general.• People who are close to me will not leave me unless

there is an unforeseen tragedy.

Healthy AutonomyRead Genesis 25:27-28; 27:1-45• In light of the fact that Rebekah favored Jacob,

what did she focus on as Jacob was growing up?

• Similarly for Isaac with Esau?

• What could we speculate about Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage relationship, given that each of them gravitated to Esau and Jacob respectively?

• When Isaac saw Rebekah’s obvious focus on Jacob, what did he do or not do about it?

• When Rebekah saw Isaac’s focus on Esau, did she do anything about it?

• How did Esau feel as a teenage boy growing up in the tents of his family, not being acquainted about how to take care of himself around the house, since he was known as a skillful hunter?

• How did Jacob feel as a teenage boy growing up about going hunting if he was known as a quiet person, staying among the tents?

• Did Jacob enjoy being this way?

• While growing up, did Jacob feel subjugated being under Rebekah?

• Look at the following passages in Genesis 27:5-13.• Did Rebekah give Jacob any room for his own

preferences and choices? Look in Gen 27:11-13• Look again in Gen 27:41-45. How did Rebekah

come across to Jacob? Was there room for Jacob’s preferences?

• Growing up under such a controlling mother, how did this affect Jacob?

• Look in Gen 29:14b-28.• When Jacob was tricked, how did he respond to

Laban being authoritarian and unfair in his dealing with him?

• Did Jacob resist being unfairly treated by a strong man like Laban (See Gen 29:28-30)?

• Did Laban sense that Jacob would be subjugated to his preferences while he was working with him for the first seven years?

• Did Jacob’s demeanor give Laban confidence to take advantage of Jacob, knowing he had problems having his own convictions or healthy autonomy?

• While Jacob was subjugated for years under Laban, was he ever able to see his mother, Rebekah, again? See Gen 35:27-28.

• Rebekah reaped what she sowed, the seeds of enmeshment and subjugation in Jacob.

• See Gen 31:6-7; how many times did Laban take advantage of Jacob?

• See Gen 31:20-21, 38; Jacob finally had the conviction to do what he felt was right, rather than giving into the preferences of others.

• While Jacob was subjugated to Laban, he also grew in his trust in God, seen in Gen 31:42.

PRACTICALS

• BASIC SAFETY – Provide them with Age Appropriate Choices which you can discuss

• Communicate as Allies

• Beware of Parents’ Own Agenda and Issues

Starts with Basic Safety

We can’t help our kids to be autonomous and perform if they don’t make it to their fifth birthday!

Safety issues are real! We owe it to our children to help them be healthy…

Basic Safety when Meeting the

Core Emotional Need of Healthy Autonomy

Is related to “Age Appropriate-ness”

Taking care of our children’s health is part of meeting their core needs.

• Sleeping and scheduling• Feeding and nutrition

AGE APPROPRIATE-NESS

In the house: electric plugs and wires, breakables, fire/burns, liquids, kitchen danger, water/drowning, stairs, poisons, choking. See child safety websites for more info.

Buy books in children’s section to teach kids about safety.

You don’t want them to be worry warts, but you want them to have the concept of safety. Healthy boundaries.

AGE APPROPRIATE-NESS

Danger from not protecting your children from predators.

Danger posed by new (and old) media.Even danger playing with other children in an

unsupervised atmosphere.Three stories of pre-school alerts…

INTRINSIC MOTIVATION - DECI

Rigidity and inflexibility with children may prevent the core emotional need of autonomy from developing, which in turn eats away their inner motivation.

Ideas of Choices that can be provided at this age:What type of toys to play, which book to read and which video to watch. Sometimes children this age will be overwhelmed by choices, so I (Karen) would give our kids two choices, e.g., “Sonia, would you like to watch a video or read a book? Would you like to watch Busytown or a Sing Along Songs video?”

You can also give choices on colouring, Lego and puzzles. Different children will have different preferences. Our son couldn’t care less what he wore at this age (in fact, he probably didn’t care until he was sixteen!) whereas our daughter practically came out of the womb with an opinion about which dress, hair style and hairclip she would wear!

Consider the options a parent has if their child is struggling to make progress in putting a puzzle together. Some parents might intervene and start doing the puzzle for the toddler.• Parent: This is wrong. You will never finish it if you do it

this way. Let me show you. Pay attention.• Child: OK.HELPFUL FOR BUILDING THIS CEN? Instead, a parent should say:

• Parent: Are you a bit stuck?• Child: Yes.• Parent: Well, do you see any pieces that look different

from the others?• Child: Here’s one.• Parent: Excellent – that is called a corner piece. There

are four corners in this picture – let’s count together: (mother pointing)1, 2, 3, 4. So how many corner pieces do we need? (If child mimics mum and says 4, that’s fine. otherwise, just count to four again.)

• Parent: Can you find the other corner pieces? Now let’s look at the picture to see where these might go. Very good. Keep trying, you’re doing very well.

• (Parent can then either watch the child do on their own or help with one or two pieces if necessary – depends on age.)

• Child: Finished!• Parent: Well done! You must be proud of yourself

for doing this puzzle.

Ephesians 6:1-4

1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Galatians 5:22-2322But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Age Appropriate-ness

Birthday parties

Going out with friends

Teenagers late nights

Christian kids at new years (example)

COMMUNICATING AS ALLIES Practicals For Parents

You can communicate as allies by: • Using POSITIVE WORDS• Spending QUALITY TIME• Instilling CONFIDENCE by

BELIEVING in your child

Practical Step #1: Use POSITIVE WORDS

“If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.”

“If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.”

Dorothy Law Nolte

Movie Moment

The Great SantiniExample of a parent using reckless words and not being up-building.Dysfunctionality in marriage – Husband - counter attacking, wife -

avoidance and then attacked. Son – Counter-attacking

Dysfunction is the gift…

Movie Moment

The Great Santini Robert Duvall and Blythe Danner

Example of a parent building self-esteem in a child with Positive Words or Words of Affirmation.

Ephesians 4:2929Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

A “Daily Dosage of Delight”Descriptive Praise, Praising the Effort as well as the Result or

even instead of the Result

I believe in you I trust you

I love you with all my

heart

A “daily dosage of delight” I’m so proud of you

You make my heart

sing

You’re listened to

A “daily dosage of delight” You’re welcome in

my heart You did a lot of hard

work today

You can do it

A “daily dosage of delight” Keep up the good

work I knew you could do it

You’re very good at that

A “daily dosage of delight”

You’re a fast learner

Thanks for being such a

good sport

We had a beautiful day

A “daily dosage of delight”

Thanks for finishing

your chores

Thanks for trying

Improves your heart healthImproves your life outcomesEnables you to have more friends

Optimism, Statistically Speaking

“Optimism is the belief that good things will happen to you and that negative events are temporary setbacks to be overcome.”In one study, adults shown to be pessimists based on psychological tests had higher death rates over a 30-year period than those who were shown optimistic.

Mayo Clinic’s definition

A study of optimism called “Breaking Murphy’s Law”

Suzanne C. Segerstrom, a professor of psychology at the University of

Kentucky, wrote that

…optimism is not about being positive so much as it is about being motivated and persistent.She found that rather than giving up and walking away from difficult situations, optimists attack problems head-on. They plan a course of action, getting advice from others and staying focused on solutions.

Dr. Segerstrom wrote that when faced with uncontrollable stressors, optimists tend to react by building “existential resources” — for example, by looking for something good to come out of the situation or using the event to grow as a person in a positive way.

The way someone is raised undoubtedly plays a role. Parents who bolster children’s self-esteem by avoiding criticism and praising accomplishments, however meager, can encourage in them a lifelong can-do attitude.

Practical Step #2:

Spend QUALITY TIME

Spending QUALITY TIMEsays, “You are worth my time.”

Titus 2:1-8 1You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. 2 Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. 3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.

4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. 6 Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7 In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8 and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

Practical Step #3:

Instill CONFIDENCE – believe in your child

Movie Moment

The Great Santini

A father who is there but not there…Children crave attention from their parents

(even when their parents are “equal-opportunity” bigots!)

Movie Moment

The Weather Man

An example of a parent putting in effort to give his child QUALITY TIME.

Movie Moment

No Reservations

A great example of spending QUALITY TIME with a child.

Instilling CONFIDENCE by BELIEVING in your child

*Chores, homework, etc *Volunteerism and the

psychology of happiness*Not being overprotective, allow

adventure

Movie Moment

• Chicken Little

• A father who didn’t show belief was able to change!

Movie Moment

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio

When their needs have been met…(also meeting the second core need of Healthy

Autonomy & Performance)

If I had my child to raise over again

If I had my child to raise all over again,I’ll build self-esteem first, & the house later.

I’d finger-paint more, & point the finger less.

I would do less correcting & more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, & watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less & know to care more.

I’d take more hikes & fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, & seriously play.I would run through more fields & gaze at

more stars.I’d do more hugging & less tugging.

I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often, & affirm much more.

I’d model less the love of power,And more the power of love.

Diane Loomans

Meet the core need of

“Healthy Autonomy & Performance”

in your family!

End of Session Five

Next session:the Core Emotional Need of

“Reasonable Limits”