how to become a master communicator presented by rich russakoff for sanibel chamber of commerce...

How to Become a Master CommunicatorPresented by

Rich Russakoff for Sanibel Chamber of Commerce

August, 2003

Class Exercise

Introduce yourself to someone you don’t know

Have a conversation to build rapport and connect Find something in common

Children/family/sports/what they do/ Where they are from? Acknowledge something about them

Common Performance Barriers

Low energy Impatience Defensiveness Negative attitude

Critical of others Low stress

tolerance Moody/Irritable Poor team player

Common Performance Barriers

Inflexible/Rigid Unfocused High anxiety Poor time

manager

Lack of trust in others

Lack of integrity Indecisive Negative

pessimistic thinking

Common Performance Barriers

Low self confidence

Lack of empathy Poor

communication skills

Overly dependent Poor listening

skills

Common Communications Challenges

Communicating with superiors

Being diplomatic Getting to the

point Dealing with

emotions

Confronting people

Staying in touch Standing your

ground Easier to do things

myself than teach others how

11 Commandments of Great Communicators

1. Establish and maintain eye contact2. Seek first to understand3. Become a great listener4. Ask questions why5. Monitor and mirror body language

11 Commandments of Great Communicators

6. Wherever you are, be there greatest challenge

7. Never interrupt, let the other person finish

8. Paraphrase what others say9. Think first (pause), determine the

desired outcome, and then and only then, speak

Master Your Emotions

“Sometimes in life you go through doors that only open one way. You can stand before them and think about whether you want to go through them or not. But when you do and the door closes behind you there is no way to go back.”

I Hate To See That Evening Sun Go Down, by William Gay

11 Commandments of Great Communicators

10.Speak from the heart to connect MLK

“Stop trying to prove yourself and start trying to express yourself.” “A promise never made cannot be

broken, and so can never break a heart” Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

11 Commandments of Great Communicators

11.Take the risk / assume the burden “Don’t go to bed angry, stay up and

fight.” “Keeping friends is like having and

plants.”

11 Commandments of Great Communicators

Drawing out shy people by: Speaking softly Using humor Ask questions and

listen And if you’re the

shy one…

Communicate in the workplace to:

Achieve clarity shortest difference Provide direction / Set expectations Encourage Challenge Create a clear vision paymaxx –

what great coaches do

Catch People Doing Something Right

Encouragement and stroking helps people achieve their best

Everyone needs strokes and motivation.

When you “give” people self-esteem they will fight to maintain it.

Class exercise – Catch someone doing something right and then tell them

Communicate the Workplace to:

Correct – constructive criticism Think twice before you place blame Always seek the other sides of the story

- 3 Let people know that mistakes are okay

- 87% rule Praise in public, criticize in private

from “The Leader In You” by Dale Carnegie and Associates, Inc.

Communicating in the Workplace

When You Criticize: See yourself as a teacher or coach ira Pick the right moment to offer criticism Show how the person will benefit from

taking the actions you suggest Give specific suggestions

Be sure you can take criticism yourself

Communicating in the Workplace

A private conversation is a rare thing There’s no such thing as a casual

conversation. Don’t take your credibility for

granted

Communication in the Workplace:

Identify how people want to receive information

Understand that communication is a two-way street

Ask yourself each time you give an instruction, is the message clear

Put more emphasis on face-to-face communication

Communications in the Workplace:

Hold 15 minute daily meetings to: Communicate specifics about activities,

meeting, accomplishments, noteworthy news from clients etc.

Share daily measurement/indicators- day before and goal today

Determine where you are stuck. Where’s the bottleneck? What can be done about it.

Tenant’s Perception Landlady’s PerceptionThe rent is already too high The rent hasn’t been increased in a long

time

With other costs going up, I can’t afford to pay more for housing

With other costs going up, I need more rental income

The apartment needs painting He has given the apartment heavy wear/tear

I know people who pay less for a comparable apartment

I know people who pay a lot more for a comparable apartment

Young people like me can’t afford to pay high rents

Young people like him tend to make noise and be hard on an apartment

The rent ought to be low because the neighborhood is run down

We landlords should raise rents in order to improve the quality of the neighborhood

I am a desirable tenant with no dogs or cats

His hi-fi drives me crazy

I always pay the rent whenever she asks for it

He never pays the rent until I ask for it

She is cold and distant; she never asks me how things are

I am a considerate person who never intrudes on a tenant’s privacyGetting to Yes, Fisher and Urv

How to Deal with a Complaint

Listen – do not interrupt Paraphrase / clarify Acknowledge / take responsibility Ask how the situation could be corrected Determine how you will address the

situation Let them know when/how you will act

Class Exercise

Dealing with Difficult People

Don’t manage people, manage their goals Help achieve mutually agreed upon

goals rob Focus on the issues, not the person Get to the point Refuse to play mind games or be bullied Know when to tune out/get out/stay out

Dealing with Difficult People

“We are working as a team to solve a problem…

or“I’m doing everything I can to meet

your needs…or

“We have to work together everyday…or

“I didn’t create this situation…

Dealing with Difficult People

and I don’t deserve to be treated in this manner.”

or your behavior is uncalled for and inappropriate.”

or I will return/call you back in 10 minutes

and hope we can resume this conversation.” or

and now you’re making a bad situation worse.”or

this approach will not help solve the problem.”

Giving Bad News

Bad news does not age well

People want to hear bad news immediately

No surprise rule Jack Welsh

Let people know where they stand

Dealing with Interruptions

I have a request How much time do you need? There’s a fine line between giving

people time and letting them take your time

Request quiet time Work calls are NOT interruptions; set

parameters, be proactive turn handout over

Listening Skills

Listening Habits that Cost You Power

Premature dismissal of a subject as uninteresting

Faking that you’re listening

Assuming you know what is being said

Listening for validation of your ideas

Listening Habits that Cost You Power

Listening only for facts Letting emotion laden words arouse

personal antagonism Interrupting others when they are

speaking

Most of us were born with two ears and one mouth,

and that’s a pretty good ratio between listening and talking.

Class Exercise

Tell someone something Tell them what you told them Have them tell you what they told

you Then tell them what they told you

that you told them and told them

Listening Gives You Power

What you should listen for: Patterns of reasoning and ideas Hot buttons

Listening Gives You Power

How you should listen: Take notes, write

down key words Use the body

language of listening

Listen Actively and Effectively

With your: Eyes by establishing eye contact Body by leaning forward Face by nodding Voice by saying “no kidding, ym hmm,

tell me more”

Listen Actively and Effectively

With your: Speech by paraphrasing what others

say…“in other words” Hands on your chin, arms open, taking

notes, by never interrupting Asking questions…“Tell me more”

Through Active Listening

A true dialogue can take place New understanding can be achieved And a bond can be formed or

deepened

What Signals Are We Sending?We communicate before we say a word with:

Our clothes Hair Jewelry Pierced parts Tattoos

Sexuality/sex Appeal

Our breath Facial hair Energy The cars we drive

What Signals Are We Sending?We communicate before we say a word by:

Smile / Frown insincere

Height / Weight Posture Age

Skin color Masculinity Femininity Scents / Odors

“What you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”…Emerson

Verbal vs. Body LanguageThe Impact and Credibility of the message

64%

29%

7%

60% plus for thenon-verbal

20 to 30% Toneand Inflection

7% Verbal

Verbal vs. Body LanguageBody Language (Nonverbal Communication)

Become a student of reading gestures, feelings, expressions, mannerisms and silence

Learn the skill of moving people from defensiveness to openness

Class Exercise

The Power of Eye Contact Eyes are the Window to the Soul People will believe you if you say what

you have to say with eye contact

Zone Distances

Signals, Allan Pease

Acceptable Conversational Distance

Signals, Allan Pease

Unacceptable Conversational Distance

Leaning backwards (Territory is

encroached)

Signals, Allan Pease

City Greeting

Amount of personal space required is related to population density

Watching how far a person extends his/her arm may be a clue

Signals, Allan Pease

Country Greeting

People raised in sparsely populated areas typically require more personal space

Signals, Allan Pease

Mirroring

• Copying the other person’s gesture to gain acceptance

• The non-verbal challenge

Signals, Allan Pease

Mirroring• Closed body and closed

attitude• Open body and open

attitude

Signals, Allan Pease

The “Pointed Gun”

Thumb Displays

Displays power, superiority and dominance

Denotes strength of character

Become obvious when displayed with a contradictory verbal message (“In my humble opinion”)

Signals, Allan Pease

Let Me Be Completely Honest With You

The “open palm” is associated with: Truth Honesty Allegiance Submission Signals, Allan Pease

The Adult Telling a Lie

The “Pinocchio” Effect

Signals, Allan Pease

Isn’t It Exciting

Communicates positive expectation

Signals, Allan Pease

Steepling

A decision has been made

Used in either positive or negative circumstances Signals, Allan Pease

Hand-to-Face Gestures

Mouth Guard - indicates lying

Nose Touch - indicates negative thoughts or lying

Eye Rub - the brain’s attempt to block out deceit

Signals, Allan Pease

Hand-to-Face Gestures

The Ear Rub - the attempt to block words (“hear no evil”)

The Neck Scratch - the signal of doubt and uncertainty

The Collar Pull – lying, anger or frustration

Signals, Allan Pease

The Power of a Smile

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person,

a beautiful thing.” - Mother Teresa

Head Gestures

• I am just as Smart as you are

Signals, Allan Pease

• Confident, superior, dominant, has all the answers

Arm Barriers

• Standard Arm Cross

• A Firm Stand

• Superior Attitude

Signals, Allan Pease

Disguised Arm-Cross Gestures

Highly sophisticated gesture

Used by people continually exposed to others (politicians, actors, salespeople)

Shows uncertainty

Signals, Allan Pease

Arms Lock the Leg

Indicates: Tough minded,

stubborn individual Possesses a hard

and fast attitude in an argument or debate

Signals, Allan Pease

Crossed-Leg Barriers

Indicates: Generally a

negative attitude; fear, nervousness

Can also be equivalent to “biting your lip”

Controlling emotional state

Signals, Allan Pease

Crossed-Leg Barriers

Indicates: Negative or

defensive attitude may exist

Withdrawal from conversation

Signals, Allan Pease

Gestures with Glasses

A reassurance gesture

Used to stall or delay decision

Signals, Allan Pease

Cigarette / Cigar Smokers

Used as a displacement of tension

Smoke up - confident, superior, positive

Smoke down – negative, secretive, suspicious Signals, Allan Pease

Evaluation Gestures

Chin Stroking Indicates listener

is making a decision

Signals, Allan Pease

Evaluation Gestures

The Interested Evaluation

Having negative thoughts

Signals, Allan Pease

Common Critical Evaluation Cluster

Defensive (arms and legs crossed)

Hostile (head and chin down)

“I don’t like what you are saying and I disagree with you”

Signals, Allan Pease

Readiness Gestures

• Ready for action

• Ready to proceed

• Ready to end an encounter

• On your mark, get set

Signals, Allan Pease

Frustration Gesture

Signals a person is holding back a negative attitude

Height of hands indicates level of negativity

Signals, Allan Pease

Straddlers

Indicates: Dominant,

aggressive individual

Uses back of chair to serve as protection

Signals, Allan Pease

Opposing Camps

How to Read People Like a Book, Gerard I. Nierenberg & Henry H. Calero

Clusters: Putting it All Together

Signals, Allan Pease

Managing Interpersonal Relationships

Managing Interpersonal Relationships

Analytical Driver

Amiable Expressive

Task Oriented

Makes DecisionsSlowly

Makes DecisionsQuickly

People Oriented

Analyticals Influence Others By:

Factual data   Attention to detail Logical arguments Consistency of performance

Drivers Influence Others By:

Force of character   Persistence Direction Control Competition Strong persuasiveness

Amiables Influences Others By:

Personal relationships Personal services Unobtrusive suggestions Offering understanding and

friendship Accommodation

Expressives Influence Others By:

Poise and social capability Generate enthusiasm in others for

their cause Rewards/personal incentives Personal contact Praise and favors Inspiration

Analyticals Value to the Organization

Objective: “The anchor of reality”  

Conscientious and steady Comprehensive worker Defines, clarifies, gathers

information, criticizes and tests Maintains standards

Drivers Value to the Organization

Task accomplisher, bottom-line results person

Self-motivated and hard worker Forward looking – progressive Fast decision maker, initiates

business Disciplined, likes to control self and

others

Amiables Value to the Organization

Dependable and loyal team worker Works for a leader and a cause Good listener Patient and emphatic Good at reconciling factions, very

calming

Expressives Value to the Organization

Enjoyable to be around Moves quickly with high energy Creative imagination Initiates relationships Motivates others toward goals

Individual Exercise

Determine your primary and/or secondary style

Handy Phrases and Bridges

“I have a request” “In all due

respects” “Tell me more” “And…no but!” “I understand”

“Thank you” “I see” “Okay” “That’s a good

question” “My name is Rich,

what’s yours?”

Often It’s Not What You Say…But How You Say It:

Words/Phrases I can’t … I’ll try… No I was going to say

Alternatives I’ll be glad to … I will… Explain why first Just say it, no

preamble

Often It’s Not What You Say…But How You Say It:

Words/Phrases That is not my

department … Can you spell your

name for me?

Alternatives I’ll connect you

with the best person to handle this …

For our records, the name is…

Often It’s Not What You Say…But How You Say It:

Words/Phrases I’ll have to ask

someone about this …

Hang on a minute…

Hold please…

Alternatives That is a good

question. Let me Get back to you on

that. I’ll return in just a

minute… May I please place

you on hold ? Will you hold the

line please?

What’s in a Name

Get a person’s name right – a “Debra” may NOT be a “Deb”

Remember we all love the sound of our own name

What’s in a Name

Make the effort to pronounce “difficult” names correctly

Always give your name If you can’t remember a name, say

something like, “I’m sorry but at the moment I can’t recall your name”

Connecting from the Heart

Things we all love A phone call on our birthday A thank you card A compliment A small gift A letter of recommendation An introduction

Mastering Your Emotions

Difficult conversations and communication situations come out of nowhere

They evoke comfortable but not necessarily good responses

These responses are spontaneous and backed by years of practice

Taking Action

Recognize what works and make changes You must want to change. Saying the right

words with the right tone and nonverbal actions

Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped

Old Stimuli generate old responses –You must recognize cues and apply your new skills

Taking Action

Find a buddy to talk about the concepts you have learned and practice together

If you really want to master a concept teach it to some one else

Start immediately

Taking Action

Celebrate improvement “Self improvement is achieved by

people who appreciate direction more than those who demand perfection” Kerry Patterson

Tie your plan for improvement into your own personal performance review

11 Commandments of Great CommunicatorsRate your current strengths and weaknesses

1. Establishing and maintain eye contact

2. Seeking first to understand3. Being a great listener4. Asking questions 5. Monitoring and mirroring body

language6. Wherever you are, are you there?

11 Commandments of Great Communicators

7. Never interrupting, letting the other person finish

8. Paraphrasing what others say9. Thinking first (pausing), then determine

the desired outcome you really want, and then and only then, speak

10.Speaking from the heart to connect11.Taking the risk/assuming the burden –

“The Road Not Taken”