helping families have hard conversations

Helping Families Have Hard Conversations

March 16. 2016@docgresh

Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology

Taboo Topics

• Sex

Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions

Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness

Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation

Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation• Death

Taboo Topics

• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation• Death• Money

What have the effects of conversational taboos been

on you?

Conversational taboos

• Reduce conflict, anxiety, embarrassment and emotionality

• Lack of practice needed for skill development

• Planning for predicable events is avoided

• Lack of training

Effects of conversational taboos on professionals

• Lack of training• Clients enter into our

practices in crisis and conflict

• Lack of training• Clients enter into our

practices in crisis and conflict

• Professionals have not worked through their own issues

Elders

• Retirement issues

Elders

• Retirement issues• Financial capacity/financial resource

issues

Elders

issues• Preparation for role reversals

Elders

issues• Preparation for role reversals• Illness/Disability/Death

Elders

issues• Preparation for role reversals• Illness/Disability/Death• Estate and inheritance issues

Process• Learning how to step out of an

interaction and comment on what is happening

• A learned skill

• A learned skill• Reduces conflict and gives a

framework for the interaction

• A learned skill• Reduces conflict and gives a

framework for the interaction• BEGIN HERE

Process characteristics

Transparent vs PrivateHierarchical vs DemocraticCommunicated vs AssumedInclusive vs ExclusiveConsensual vs LegalOpen vs Constricted

• Begin with process comments

Hard Conversations

• What, Who, When, Where, How

Hard Conversations

• Make requests

Hard Conversations

• Make requests• Collaborate on the

guidelines

Hard Conversations

• Make requests• Collaborate on the

guidelines• Notes, time limits, keeping

guidelines, next steps

Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality

Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict

Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play

Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play• An Experiment

Hard Conversations

• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play• An Experiment• Use the following skills

Active Listening

Reframing

Core Concerns underlying Emotions

Affiliation

Autonomy

Status

Model of families under financial stress

Affluent families• Pressure for achievement,

excellence, perfection, image• Lack of emotional closeness to busy

parents• Materialistic values• Lack of intrinsic motivation, family

chores and roles• Substance abuse rates

• Agreement to meet• Guidelines• Non-threatening topics• Fun included

How to get started?

Generational Profiles

Family History

Values conversations• Safe, non-judgmental, structured

• Differences acknowledged and integrated

• Related to age, gender, culture, behavior

The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism

The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism• Higher ratings on Stimulation,

Hedonism, Self-direction

The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism• Higher ratings on Stimulation,

Hedonism, Self-direction• Lower on Tradition, Conformity,

Security

Benefits of Identifying Values

• Non-judgmental way to approach differences

• Guides decision-making

• Guides decision-making• Clarifies differences by generation,

age, gender, family, culture, country

• Guides decision-making• Clarifies differences by generation,

age, gender, family, culture, country• Non-threatening way to discuss

discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors

Challenges

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