also by sue monk kidd -...
TRANSCRIPT
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AlsobySueMonkKiddNOVELS
TheMermaidChairTheSecretLifeofBees
NONFICTION
TravelingwithPomegranates(withAnnKiddTaylor)
TheDanceoftheDissidentDaughterFirstlight
WhentheHeartWaits
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VIKINGPublishedbythePenguinGroupPenguinGroup(USA)LLC
375HudsonStreetNewYork,NewYork10014
USA|Canada|UK|Ireland|Australia|NewZealand|India|SouthAfrica|
Chinapenguin.com
APenguinRandomHouseCompany
FirstpublishedbyVikingPenguin,amemberofPenguinGroup(USA)LLC,
2014
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Copyright©2014bySueMonkKiddLtd.
Penguinsupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,and
createsavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthis
bookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.Youaresupporting
writersandallowingPenguintocontinuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.
LIBRARYOFCONGRESSCATALOGING-IN-
PUBLICATIONDATAKidd,SueMonk.
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Theinventionofwings:anovel/SueMonkKidd.pagescm
ISBN978-0-698-17524-21.Grimké,SarahMoore,1792–1873—Fiction.2.Antislaverymovements—Fiction.3.Feminists—SouthCarolina—Fiction.4.Women’srights.—Fiction.
I.Title.PS3611.I44I582014
813'.6—dc232013028185
PUBLISHER’SNOTE:Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareused
fictitiously,andanyresemblanceto
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actualpersons,livingordead,businesses,companies,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
Version_1
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CONTENTS
AlsobySueMonkKiddTitlePageCopyrightDedication
PartOne|November1803–February1805
HettyHandfulGrimkéSarahGrimkéHandful
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SarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarah
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HandfulSarahHandful
PartTwo|February1811–December1812
SarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandful
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SarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandful
PartThree|October1818–November1820
Handful
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SarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarah
PartFour|September1821–July
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1822SarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandful
PartFive|November1826–November1829
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HandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarah
PartSix|July1835–June1838
HandfulSarahHandful
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SarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulSarahHandfulAuthor’sNoteAcknowledgments
VikingReaders
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GuideAnIntroductiontoThe
InventionofWingsAboutSueMonkKiddAConversationwithSue
MonkKiddDiscussionQuestions
Ms.Winfrey’sHighlightedPassagesandNotesforThe
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InventionofWings
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ToSandyKiddwithallmylove
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PARTONENovember1803–February1805
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HettyHandfulGrimké
TherewasatimeinAfricathepeoplecouldfly.MaumatoldmethisonenightwhenIwastenyearsold.Shesaid,“Handful,yourgranny-maumasawitforherself.Shesaytheyflewovertreesandclouds.Shesaytheyflewlike
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blackbirds.Whenwecamehere,weleftthatmagicbehind.”O
Mymaumawasshrewd.Shedidn’tgetanyreadingandwritinglikeme.Everythingsheknewcamefromlivingonthescarcesideofmercy.Shelookedatmyface,howitflowedwithsorrowanddoubt,andshesaid,“Youdon’tbelieveme?Whereyouthinkthese
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shoulderbladesofyourscomefrom,girl?”
Thoseskinnybonesstuckoutfrommybacklikenubs.Shepattedthemandsaid,“Thisallwhatleftofyourwings.Theynothingbuttheseflatbonesnow,butonedayyougonget’emback.”
Iwasshrewdlikemauma.EvenattenIknewthisstoryaboutpeopleflyingwaspuremalarkey.Weweren’tsome
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specialpeoplewholostourmagic.Wewereslavepeople,andweweren’tgoinganywhere.ItwaslaterIsawwhatshemeant.Wecouldflyallright,butitwasn’tanymagictoit.O
Thedaylifeturnedintonothingthisworldcouldfix,Iwasintheworkyardboilingslavebedding,stokingfire
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underthewashpot,myeyesburningfromspecksoflyesoapcatchingonthewind.Themorningwasacoldone—thesunlookedlikealittlewhitebuttonstitchedtighttothesky.Forsummersweworehomespuncottondressesoverourdrawers,butwhentheCharlestonwintershoweduplikesomelazygirlinNovemberorJanuary,wegotintooursacks—these
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thicksetcoatsmadeofheavyyarns.Justanoldsackwithsleeves.Minewasacast-offandtrailedtomyankles.Icouldn’tsayhowmanyunwashedbodieshadwornitbeforeme,buttheyhadallkindlylefttheirscentsonit.O
Alreadythatmorningmissushadtakenhercanesticktomeoncecrossmybacksideforfallingasleepduringherdevotions.Every
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day,allusslaves,everyonebutRosetta,whowasoldanddemented,jammedinthediningroombeforebreakfasttofightoffsleepwhilemissustaughtusshortBibleverseslike“Jesuswept”andprayedoutloudaboutGod’sfavoritesubject,obedience.Ifyounoddedoff,yougotwhackedrightinthemiddleofGodsaidthisandGodsaidthat.
IwasfullofsasstoAunt-
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Sisteraboutthewholemiserablebusiness.I’dsay,“Letthiscuppassfromme,”spoutingoneofmissus’verses.I’dsay,“Jesusweptcausehe’strappedintherewithmissus,likeus.”
Aunt-Sisterwasthecook—she’dbeenwithmissussincemissuswasagirl—andnexttoTomfry,thebutler,sheranthewholeshow.Shewastheonlyonewhocould
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tellmissuswhattodowithoutgettingsmackedbythecane.Maumasaidwatchyourtongue,butIneverdid.Aunt-Sisterpoppedmebackwardthreetimesaday.
Iwasahandful.That’snothowIgotmyname,though.Handfulwasmybasketname.Themasterandmissus,theydidallthepropernaming,butamaumawouldlookonherbabylaidinits
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basketandanamewouldcometoher,somethingaboutwhatherbabylookedlike,whatdayoftheweekitwas,whattheweatherwasdoing,orjusthowtheworldseemedonthatday.Mymauma’sbasketnamewasSummer,butherpropernamewasCharlotte.ShehadabrotherwhosebasketnamewasHardtime.PeoplethinkImakethatup,butit’strueas
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itcanbe.Ifyougotabasketname,
youatleasthadsomethingfromyourmauma.MasterGrimkénamedmeHetty,butmaumalookedonmethedayIcameintotheworld,howIwasborntoosoon,andshecalledmeHandful.
ThatdaywhileIhelpedoutAunt-Sisterintheyard,maumawasinthehouse,workingonagoldsateen
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dressformissuswithabustleontheback,what’scalledaWatteaugown.ShewasthebestseamstressinCharlestonandworkedherfingersstiffwiththeneedle.Youneversawsuchfineryasmymaumacouldwhipup,andshedidn’tuseastampingpattern.Shehatedabookpattern.Shepickedoutthesilksandvelvetsherownselfatthemarketandmadeeverything
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theGrimkéshad—windowcurtains,quiltedpetticoats,loopedpanniers,buckskinpants,andthesedone-upjockeyoutfitsforRaceWeek.
Icantellyouthismuch—whitepeoplelivedforRaceWeek.Theyhadonepicnic,promenade,andfancygoing-onafteranother.Mrs.King’spartywasalwaysonTuesday.TheJockeyClubdinneronWednesday.Thebigfuss
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cameSaturdaywiththeSt.Ceciliaballwhentheystruttedoutintheirbestdresses.Aunt-SistersaidCharlestonhadacaseofthegrandeurs.UptillIwaseightorso,Ithoughtthegrandeurswasashittingsickness.
Missuswasashort,thick-waistwomanwithwhatlookedlikelittleballsofdoughunderhereyes.Sherefusedtohireoutmaumato
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theotherladies.Theybeggedher,andmaumabeggedhertoo,causeshewould’vekeptaportionofthosewagesforherself—butmissussaid,Ican’thaveyoumakeanythingforthembetterthanyoumakeforus.Intheevenings,maumatorestripsforherquilts,whileIheldthetallowcandlewithonehandandstackedthestripsinpileswiththeother,alwaysbycolor,
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neatasapin.Shelikedhercolorsbright,puttingshadestogethernobodywouldthink—purpleandorange,pinkandred.Theshapeshelovedwasatriangle.Alwaysblack.Maumaputblacktrianglesonabouteveryquiltshesewed.
Wehadawoodenpatchboxforkeepingourscraps,apouchforourneedlesandthreads,andatruebrassthimble.Maumasaidthe
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thimblewouldbemineoneday.Whenshewasn’tusingit,Iworeitonmyfingertiplikeajewel.Wefilledourquiltsupwithrawcottonandwoolthrums.Thebestfillingwasfeathers,stillis,andmaumaandIneverpassedoneonthegroundwithoutpickingitup.Somedays,maumawouldcomeinwithapocketfulofgoosefeathersshe’dpluckedfrommattress
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holesinthehouse.Whenwegotdesperatetofillaquilt,we’dstripthelongmossfromtheoakintheworkyardandsewitbetweentheliningandthequilttop,chiggersandall.O
ThatwasthethingmaumaandIloved,ourtimewiththequilts.
NomatterwhatAunt-Sisterhadmedoingintheyard,Ialwayswatchedthe
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upstairswindowwheremaumadidherstitching.Wehadasignal.WhenIturnedthepailupsidedownbythekitchenhouse,thatmeanteverythingwasclear.Maumawouldopenthewindowandthrowdownataffyshestolefrommissus’room.Sometimesherecameabundleofclothscraps—realnicecalicos,gingham,muslin,someimportlinen.
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Onetime,thattruebrassthimble.Herfavoritethingtotakewasscarlet-redthread.Shewouldwinditupinherpocketandwalkrightoutthehousewithit.
Theyardwasoverbusythatday,soIdidn’thavehopeforataffyfallingfromtheclearblue.Mariah,thelaundryslave,hadburnedherhandoncharcoalfromtheironandwaslaidup.Aunt-
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Sisterwasonatearaboutthebacked-upwash.Tomfryhadthemenfixingtobutcherahogthatwasrunningandscreechingatthetopofitslungs.Everyonewasoutthere,fromoldSnowthecarriagedriverallthewaydowntothestablemucker,Prince.Tomfrywantedtogetthekillingoverquickcausemissushatedyardnoise.
Noisewasonherlistof
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slavesins,whichweknewbyheart.Numberone:stealing.Numbertwo:disobedience.Numberthree:laziness.Numberfour:noise.AslavewassupposedtobeliketheHolyGhost—don’tseeit,don’thearit,butit’salwayshoveringroundonready.O
MissuscalledouttoTomfry,saidkeepitdown,aladyshouldn’tknowwhereherbaconcomesfrom.When
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weheardthat,ItoldAunt-Sister,missusdidn’tknowwhatendherbaconwentinandwhatenditcameout.Aunt-Sisterslappedmeintoyesterday.
ItookthelongpolewecalledabattlingstickandfishedupthebedcoversfromthewashpotandfloppedthemdrippingontherailwhereAunt-Sisterdriedhercookingherbs.Therailinthe
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stablewasforbiddencausethehorseshadeyestoopreciousforlye.Slaveeyeswereanotherthing.Workingthestick,Ibeatthosesheetsandblanketstoaninchoftheirlives.Wecalleditfetchingthedirt.
AfterIgotthewashfinished,Iwasleftidleandpleasedtoenjoysinnumberthree.IfollowedapathI’dworninthedirtfromlooping
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itten,twelvetimesaday.Istartedatthebackofthemainhouse,walkedpastthekitchenhouseandthelaundryouttothespreadingtree.Someofthebranchesonitwerebiggerroundthanmybody,andeveryoneofthemcurledlikeribbonsinabox.Badspiritstravelinstraightlines,andourtreedidn’thaveoneun-crookedplace.Usslavesmusteredunderit
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whentheheatboredown.Maumaalwaystoldme,don’tpullthegraymossoffcausethatkeepsoutthesunandeverybody’spryingeyes.
Iwalkedbackpastthestableandcarriagehouse.ThepathtookmecrossthewholemapoftheworldIknew.Ihadn’tyetseenthespinningglobeinthehousethatshowedtherestofit.Ipokedalong,wishingforthe
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daytogetusedupsomeandmaumacouldgotoourroom.Itsatoverthecarriagehouseanddidn’thaveawindow.Thesmellofmanurefromthestableandthecowhouseroseuptheresoripeitseemedlikeourbedwasstuffedwithitinsteadofstraw.Therestoftheslaveshadtheirroomsoverthekitchenhouse.
ThewindwhippedupandIlistenedforshipsails
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snappingintheharborcrosstheroad,aplaceI’dsmelledonthebreeze,butneverseen.Thesailswouldgoofflikewhipscrackingandalluswouldlistentoseewasitsomeslavegettingfloggedinaneighbor-yardorwasitshipsmakingreadytoleave.Youfoundoutwhenthescreamsstartedupornot.
Thesunhadgone,leavingapuckeredplaceinthe
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clouds,likethebuttonhadfallenoff.Ipickedupthebattlingstickbythewashpot,andfornogoodreason,jabbeditintoasquashinthevegetablegarden.Ipitchedthebutternutoverthewallwhereitsplattedinaloudmess.
Thentheairturnedstill.Missus’voicecamefromthebackdoor,said,“Aunt-Sister,bringHettyinheretome
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rightnow.”Iwenttothehouse,
thinkingshewasinanuproaroverhersquash.Itoldmybacksidetobraceup.
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SarahGrimkéMyeleventhbirthdaybeganwithMotherpromotingmefromthenursery.ForayearI’dlongedtoescapetheporcelaindolls,tops,andtinyteasetsstrewnacrossthefloor,thesmallbedslinedupinarow,thewholeglutandbedlamoftheplace,butnow
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thatthedayhadcome,Ibalkedatthethresholdofmynewroom.Itwaspaneledwithdarknessandemanatedthesmellofmybrother—allthingssmokyandleather.Theoakcanopyandredvelvetvalanceofthebedsteadwassotoweringitseemedclosertotheceilingthanthefloor.Icouldn’tmovefordreadoflivingaloneinsuchanenormous,overweening
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space.Drawingabreath,Iflung
myselfacrossthedoorsill.ThatwastheartlesswayInavigatedthehurdlesofgirlhood.EveryonethoughtIwasapluckygirl,butintruth,Iwasn’tasfearlessaseveryoneassumed.Ihadthetemperamentofatortoise.Whateverdread,fright,orbumpappearedinmypath,Iwantednothingmorethanto
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dropinmytracksandhide.Ifyoumusterr,dosoonthesideofaudacity.ThatwasthelittlesloganI’ddevisedformyself.Forsometimenow,ithadhelpedmetohurlmyselfoverdoorsills.
Thatmorningwasfullofcold,brightwindpouringofftheAtlanticandcloudsblowinglikewindsocks.Foramoment,Istoodjustinsidetheroomlisteningtothe
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saber-frondsonthepalmettosclatteraroundthehouse.Theeavesofthepiazzahissed.Theporchswinggroanedonitschains.Downstairsinthewarmingkitchen,MotherhadtheslavespullingoutChinesetureensandWedgwoodcups,preparingformybirthdayparty.HermaidCindiehadspenthourswettingandfasteningMother’swigwithpaperandcurlersandthesour
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smellofitbakinghadnosedallthewayupthestairs.
IwatchedasBinah,thenurserymauma,tuckedmyclothesintotheheavyoldwardrobe,recallinghowsheusedafirepoketorockCharles’cradle,hercowrieshellbraceletsrattlingalongherarmswhilesheterrifieduswithtalesoftheBoogaHag—anoldwomanwhorodeaboutonabroomand
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suckedthebreathfrombadchildren.IwouldmissBinah.AndsweetAnna,whosleptwithherthumbinhermouth.BenandHenry,whojumpedlikebansheesuntiltheirmattresseseruptedwithgeysersofgoosefeathers,andlittleEliza,whohadahabitofslippingintomybedtohidefromtheBooga’snightlyreignofterror.
Ofcourse,Ishould’ve
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graduatedfromthenurserylongago,butI’dbeenforcedtowaitforJohntogoawaytocollege.Ourthree-storiedhousewasoneofthegrandestinCharleston,butitlackedenoughbedrooms,consideringhow...well,fruitfulMotherwas.Thereweretenofus:John,Thomas,Mary,Frederick,andmyself,followedbythenurserydwellers—Anna,Eliza,Ben,
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Henry,andbabyCharles.Iwasthemiddleone,theoneMothercalleddifferentandFathercalledremarkable,theonewiththecarrotyhairandthefreckles,wholeconstellationsofthem.MybrothershadoncetracedOrion,theDipper,andUrsaMajoronmycheeksandforeheadwithcharcoal,connectingthebrightredspecks,andIhadn’tminded
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—I’dbeentheirwholeskyforhours.
EveryonesaidIwasFather’sfavorite.Idon’tknowwhetherhepreferredmeorpitiedme,buthewascertainlymyfavorite.HewasajudgeonSouthCarolina’shighestcourtandatthetopoftheplanterclass,thegroupCharlestonclaimedasitselite.He’dfoughtwithGeneralWashingtonandbeen
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takenprisonerbytheBritish.Hewastoomodesttospeakofthesethings—forthat,hehadMother.
HernamewasMary,andthereendsanyresemblancetothemotherofourLord.ShewasdescendedfromthefirstfamiliesofCharleston,thatlittlecompanyofLordsthatKingCharleshadsentovertoestablishthecity.Sheworkedthisintoconversationsso
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tirelesslywenolongermadethetimeorefforttorolloureyes.Besidesgoverningthehouse,ahostofchildren,andfourteenslaves,shekeptuparoundofsocialandreligiousdutiesthatwould’vewornoutthequeensandsaintsofEurope.WhenIwasbeingforgiving,Isaidthatmymotherwassimplyexhausted.Isuspected,though,shewassimply
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mean.OWhenBinahfinished
arrangingmyhaircombsandribbonsonthelavishHepplewhiteatopmynewdressingtable,sheturnedtome,andImusthavelookedforsakenstandingtherebecauseshecluckedhertongueagainsttheroofofhermouthandsaid,“PoorMissSarah.”
Ididsodespisethe
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attachmentofPoortomyname.BinahhadbeenmutteringPoorMissSarahlikeanincantationsinceIwasfour.
It’smyearliestmemory:arrangingmybrother’smarblesintowords.Itissummer,andIambeneaththeoakthatstandsinthebackcorneroftheworkyard.
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Thomas,ten,whomIloveabovealltheothers,hastaughtmeninewords:SARAH,GIRL,BOY,GO,STOP,JUMP,RUN,UP,DOWN.Hehaswrittenthemonaparchmentandgivenmeapouchofforty-eightglassmarbleswithwhichtospellthemout,enoughtoshapetwowordsatatime.Iarrangethemarblesinthedirt,copyingThomas’inked
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words.SarahGo.BoyRun.GirlJump.IworkasfastasIcan.Binahwillcomesoonlookingforme.
It’sMother,however,whodescendsthebackstepsintotheyard.Binahandtheotherhouseslavesareclumpedbehindher,movingwithcautious,synchronizedstepsasifthey’reasinglecreature,acentipedecrossinganunprotectedspace.Isense
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theshadowthathoversoverthemintheair,somedevouringdread,andIcrawlbackintothegreen-blackgloomofthetree.
TheslavesstareatMother’sback,whichisstraightandwithoutgive.Sheturnsandadmonishesthem.“Youarelagging.Quicklynow,letusbedonewiththis.”
Asshespeaks,anolder
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slave,Rosetta,isdraggedfromthecowhouse,draggedbyaman,ayardslave.Shefights,clawingathisface.Motherwatches,impassive.
HetiesRosetta’shandstothecornercolumnofthekitchenhouseporch.Shelooksoverhershoulderandbegs.Missus,please.Missus.Missus.Please.Shebegsevenasthemanlashesherwithhiswhip.
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Herdressiscotton,apaleyellowcolor.Istaretransfixedasthebackofitsproutsblood,bloomsofredthatopenlikepetals.Icannotreconcilethesavageryoftheblowswiththemellifluouswayshekeensorthebeautyoftherosescoilingalongthetrellisofherspine.Someonecountsthelashes—isitMother?Six,seven.
Thescourgingcontinues,
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butRosettastopswailingandsinksagainsttheporchrail.Nine,ten.Myeyeslookaway.Theyfollowablackanttravelingthefarreachesbeneaththetree—themountainousrootsandforestedmosses,theendlessperils—andinmyheadIsaythewordsIfashionedearlier.BoyRun.GirlJump.SarahGo.
Thirteen.Fourteen...I
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boltfromtheshadows,pastthemanwhonowcoilshiswhip,jobwelldone,pastRosettahangingbyherhandsinaheap.AsIboundupthebackstepsintothehouse,Mothercallstome,andBinahreachestoscoopmeup,butIescapethem,thrashingalongthemainpassage,outthefrontdoor,whereIbreakblindlyforthewharves.
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Idon’tremembertherestwithclarity,onlythatIfindmyselfwanderingacrossthegangplankofasailingvessel,sobbing,stumblingoveraturbanofrope.AkindmanwithabeardandadarkcapaskswhatIwant.Ipleadwithhim,SarahGo.
Binahchasesme,thoughI’munawareofheruntilshepullsmeintoherarmsandcoos,“PoorMissSarah,poor
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MissSarah.”Likeadecree,aproclamation,aprophecy.
WhenIarrivehome,Iamamussofsnot,tears,yarddirt,andharborfilth.Motherholdsmeagainsther,rearsbackandgivesmeanincensedshake,thenclaspsmeagain.“Youmustpromisenevertorunawayagain.Promiseme.”
Iwantto.Itryto.Thewordsareonmytongue—the
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roundedlumpsofthem,shininglikethemarblesbeneaththetree.
“Sarah!”shedemands.Nothingcomes.Nota
sound.Iremainedmutefora
week.Mywordsseemedsuckedintothecleftbetweenmycollarbones.Irescuedthembydegrees,bypraying,bullyingandwooing.Icametospeakagain,butwithan
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oddandmercurialformofstammer.I’dneverbeenafluidspeaker,evenmyfirstspokenwordshadpossessedacertainbelligerentquality,butnowtherewereugly,haltinggapsbetweenmysentences,endlesssecondswhenthewordscoweredagainstmylipsandpeopleavertedtheireyes.Eventually,thesehorridpausesbegantocomeandgo
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accordingtotheirownmysteriouswhims.Theymightplaguemeforweeksandthenremainawaymonths,onlytoreturnagainasabruptlyastheyleft.
ThedayImovedfromthenurserytocommencealifeofmaturityinJohn’sstaidoldroom,Iwasn’tthinkingofthecrueltythathadtakenplacein
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theworkyardwhenIwasfourorofthethinfilamentsthathadkeptmetetheredtomyvoiceeversince.Thoseconcernswerethefarthestthingfrommymind.Myspeechimpedimenthadbeenabsentforsometimenow—fourmonthsandsixdays.I’dalmostimaginedmyselfcured.
SowhenMothersweptintotheroomallofasudden
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—me,inaparoxysmofadjustmenttomysurroundings,andBinah,tuckingmypossessionshereandthere—andaskedifmynewquartersweretomyliking,Iwasstunnedbymyinabilitytoanswerher.Thedoorslammedinmythroat,andthesilencehungthere.Motherlookedatmeandsighed.
Whensheleft,Iwilled
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myeyestoremaindryandturnedawayfromBinah.Icouldn’tbeartohearonemorePoorMissSarah.
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HandfulAunt-SistertookmetothewarmingkitchenwhereBinahandCindiewerefussingoversilvertrays,layingthemfullofgingercakeandappleswithgroundnuts.Theyhadontheirgoodlongapronswithstarch.Offinthedrawingroom,itsoundedlike
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beesbuzzing.Missusshowedupand
toldAunt-Sistertopeeloffmynastycoatandwashmyface,thenshesaid,“Hetty,thisisSarah’seleventhbirthdayandwearehavingapartyforher.”
Shetookalavenderribbonfromthetopofthepiesafeandcircleditroundmyneck,tyingabow,whileAunt-Sisterpeeledtheblack
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offmycheekswithherrag.Missuswoundmoreribbonroundmywaist.WhenItugged,shetoldmeinasharpway,“Stopthatfidgeting,Hetty!Bestill.”
Missushaddonetheribbontoosnugatmythroat.ItfeltlikeIcouldn’tswallow.IsearchedforAunt-Sister’seyes,buttheyweregluedonthefoodtrays.Iwantedtotellher,Getmefreeofthis,help
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me,Ineedtheprivy.Ialwayshadsomethingsmarttosay,butmyvoicehadrundownmythroatlikeakitchenmouse.
Idancedononelegandtheother.Ithoughtwhatmaumahadtoldme,“YoubegoodcominguponChristmascausethatwhentheysellofftheextrachildrenorelsesendthemtothefields.”Ididn’tknowoneslavemaster
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Grimkéhadsold,butIknewplentyhe’dsenttohisplantationinthebackcountry.That’swheremaumahadcomefrom,bearingmeinsideherandleavingmydaddybehind.
Istoppedallmyfidgetthen.Mywholeselfwentdownintheholewheremyvoicewas.ItriedtodowhattheysaidGodwanted.Obey,bequiet,bestill.
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Missusstudiedme,howIlookedinthepurpleribbons.Takingmebythearm,sheledmetothedrawingroomwheretheladiessatwiththeirdressesfussedoutandtheirchinateacupsandlacynapkins.Oneladyplayedthetinypianocalledaharpsichord,butshestoppedwhenmissusgaveaclapwithherhands.
Everyeyefixedonme.
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Missussaid,“ThisisourlittleHetty.Sarah,dear,sheisyourpresent,yourveryownwaitingmaid.”O
Ipressedmyhandsbetweenmylegsandmissusknockedthemaway.Sheturnedmeafullcircle.Theladiesstarteduplikeparrots—happybirthday,happybirthday—theirfancyheadspeckingtheair.MissSarah’soldersister,MissMary,sat
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therefullofsulkfromnotbeingthecenteroftheparty.Nexttomissus,shewastheworstbirdintheroom.We’dallseenhergoingroundwithherwaitingmaid,Lucy,smackingthegirlsixwaysfromSunday.WeallsaidifMissMarydroppedherkerchieffromthesecondfloor,she’dsendLucyjumpingoutthewindowforit.LeastIdidn’tendupwith
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thatone.MissSarahstoodup.She
waswearingadarkbluedressandhadrosy-coloredhairthathungstraightlikecornsilkandfrecklesthesameredcoloralloverherface.Shetookalongbreathandstartedworkingherlips.Backthen,MissSarahpulledwordsupfromherthroatlikeshewasraisingwaterfromawell.
Whenshefinallygotthe
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bucketup,wecouldhardlyhearwhatshewassaying.“.........I’msorry,Mother......Ican’taccept.”
Missusaskedhertosayitover.ThistimeMissSarahbelloweditlikeashrimppeddler.
Missus’eyeswerefrostbluelikeMissSarah’s,buttheyturneddarkasindigo.Herfingernailsboreintomeandcarvedoutwhatlooked
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likeaflockofbirdsonmyarm.Shesaid,“Sitdown,Sarahdear.”
MissSarahsaid,“...Idon’tneedawaitingmaid...I’mperfectlyfinewithoutone.”
“Thatisquiteenough,”missussaid.Howyoucouldmissthewarninginthat,Idon’tknow.MissSarahmisseditbyamile.
“...Couldn’tyousave
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herforAnna?”“Enough!”MissSarahploppedon
herchairlikesomebodyshovedher.
Thewaterstartedinatrickledownmyleg.IjerkedeverywayIcouldtogetfreeofmissus’claws,butthenitcameinagushontherug.
Missusletoutashriekandeverythingwenthush.Youcouldhearembersleap
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roundinthefireplace.Ihadaslapcoming,or
worse.IthoughtofRosetta,howshethrewashakingfitwhenitsuitedher.She’dletthespitrunfromhermouthandsendhereyesrollingback.Shelookedlikeabeetle-bugupsidedowntryingtorightitself,butitgotherfreeofpunishment,anditcrossedmymindtofalldownandpitchafitmyselfthebest
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Icould.ButIstoodtherewithmy
dressplasteredwetonmythighsandshamerunninghotdownmyface.
Aunt-Sistercameandtotedmeoff.Whenwepassedthestairsinthemainhall,Isawmaumauponthelanding,pressingherhandstoherchest.
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Thatnightdovessatupinthetreelimbsandmoaned.Iclungtomaumainourropebed,staringatthequiltframe,thewayithungoverusfromtheceilingrafters,drawntightonitspulleys.Shesaidthequiltframewasourguardingangel.Shesaid,“Everythinggonbeallright.”Buttheshamestayedwithme.Itasteditlikeabittergreenonmytongue.
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ThebellstolledcrossCharlestonfortheslavecurfew,andmaumasaidtheGuardwouldbeouttheresoonbeatingontheirdrums,butshesaiditlikethis:“Bugsbeinthewheat’forelong.”
Thensherubbedtheflatbonesinmyshoulders.That’swhenshetoldmethestoryfromAfricahermaumatoldher.Howthepeoplecouldfly.Howtheyflewovertrees
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andclouds.Howtheyflewlikeblackbirds.
NextmorningmaumahandedmeaquiltmatchedtomylengthandtoldmeIcouldn’tsleepwithheranymore.Fromhereonout,IwouldsleeponthefloorinthehalloutsideMissSarah’sbedchamber.Maumasaid,“Don’tgetoffyourquiltfornothin’butMissSarahcalling.Don’twander’bout.
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Don’tlightnocandle.Don’tmakenoise.WhenMissSarahringsthebell,youmakehaste.”
Maumatoldme,“Itgonbehardfromhereon,Handful.”
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SarahIwassenttosolitaryconfinementinmynewroomandorderedtowritealetterofapologytoeachguest.Mothersettledmeatthedeskwithpaper,inkwell,andalettershe’dcomposedherself,whichIwastocopy.
“......Youdidn’t
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punishHetty,didyou?”Iasked.
“Doyouthinkmeinhuman,Sarah?Thegirlhadanaccident.WhatcouldIdo?”Sheshruggedwithexasperation.“Iftherugcannotbecleaned,itwillhavetobethrownout.”
Asshewalkedtothedoor,Istruggledtoprythewordsfrommymouthbeforesheexited.“......Mother,
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please,letme......letmegiveHettybacktoyou.”
GiveHettyback.Asifshewasmineafterall.Asifowningpeoplewasasnaturalasbreathing.Forallmyresistanceaboutslavery,Ibreathedthatfoulair,too.
“Yourguardianshipislegalandbinding.Hettyisyours,Sarah,thereisnothingtobedoneaboutit.”
“......But—”
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Iheardthecommotionofherpetticoatsasshecrossedtherugbacktome.Shewasawomanthewindsandtidesobeyed,butinthatmoment,shewasgentlewithme.Placingafingerundermychin,shetiltedmyfacetohersandsmiled.“Whymustyoufightthis?Idon’tknowwhereyougetthesealienideas.Thisisourwayoflife,dearone,makeyourpeace
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withit.”Shekissedthetopofmyhead.“Iexpectalleighteenlettersbythemorning.”
Theroomfilledwithanorangeglowthatlitthecypresspanels,thenmeltedintoduskandshadows.Inmymind,IcouldseeHettyclearly—theconfused,mortifiedlookonherface,herhairbraidscockedineverydirection,the
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disgracefullavenderribbons.Shewaspunyintheextreme,ayearyoungerthanI,butshelookedallofsixyearsold.Herlimbswerestickandbone.Herelbows,thecurvesoftwofasteningpins.Theonlythingofanysizeaboutherwashereyes,whichwerecoloredastrangeshadeofgoldandfloatedaboveherblackcheekslikeshinyhalf-moons.
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ItseemedtraitoroustoaskforgivenessforsomethingIdidn’tfeelsorryforintheleast.WhatIregrettedwashowpatheticmyprotesthadturnedout.Iwantednothingmorethantosithereunyieldingthroughthenight,fordaysandweeksifneedbe,butintheendIgaveinandwrotethedamnableletters.Iknewmyselftobeanoddgirlwithmymutinous
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ideas,ravenousintellect,andfunnylooks,andhalfthetimeIsputteredlikeahorsestrainingatitsbit,qualitiesinthefemalesexthatwerenotendearing.Iwasonmywaytobeingthefamilypariah,andIfearedtheostracism.Ifeareditmostofall.
OverandoverIwrote:
DearMadame,Thankyouforthe
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honorandkindnessyoubestoweduponmebyattendingmyeleventhbirthdaytea.IregretthatthoughIhavebeenwell-taughtbymyparents,mybehavioronthisoccasionwasexceedinglyill-mannered.Ihumblybegyourpardonformyrudenessanddisrespect.
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YourRemorsefulFriend,SarahGrimké
Iclimbedthepreposterousheighttothemattressandhadonlyjustsettledwhenabirdoutsidemywindowbegantotrill.First,astreamofpeltingwhistles,thenasoft,
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melancholicsong.Ifeltaloneintheworldwithmyalienideas.
Slidingfrommyperch,IstoletothewindowwhereIshiveredinmywhitewoolengown,gazingalongEastBay,pastthedarkrooftopstowardtheharbor.Withhurricaneseasonbehindus,therewereclosetoahundredtopsailsmooredoutthere,shimmeringonthewater.
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Plasteringmycheekagainstthefrigidpane,IdiscoveredIhadapartialviewoftheslavequartersabovethecarriagehousewhereIknewHettytobespendingherlastnightwithhermother.Tomorrowshewouldtakeupherdutiesandsleepoutsidemydoor.
ItwasthenIhadasuddenepiphany.Ilitacandlefromthedwindlingcoalsinthefire,openedmydoor,and
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steppedintothedark,unheatedpassageway.Threedarkshapeslayonthefloorbesidethebedroomdoors.I’dneverreallyseentheworldbeyondthenurseryatnightandittookamomenttorealizetheshapeswereslaves,sleepingclosebyincaseaGrimkéranghisbell.
Motherwishedtoreplacethearchaicarrangementwithonethathadrecentlybeen
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installedinthehouseofherfriend,Mrs.Russell.There,buttonswerepressedthatrangintheslaves’quarters,eachwithaspecialchime.Motherwasbentontheinnovation,butFatherthoughtitwasteful.ThoughwewereAnglicans,hehadamildstreakofHuguenotfrugality.TherewouldbeostentatiousbuttonsintheGrimkéhouseholdoverhis
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deadbody.Icreptbarefooteddown
thewidemahoganystairstothefirstfloorwheretwomoreslavesslept,alongwithCindie,whosatwideawakewithherbackagainstthewalloutsidemyparents’chamber.Sheeyedmewarily,butdidn’taskwhatIwasdoing.
IpickedmywayalongthePersianrugthatranthenear-lengthofthemain
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passage,turnedtheknobtoFather’slibrary,andsteppedinside.AnornatelyframedportraitofGeorgeWashingtonwaslitwithascrimofmoonlightcomingthroughthefrontwindow.Foralmostayear,FatherhadlookedtheotherwayasI’dslippedbeneathMr.Washington’snosetoplunderthelibrary.John,Thomas,andFrederickhadtotalreign
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overhisvasttrove—booksoflaw,geography,philosophy,theology,history,botany,poetry,andtheGreekhumanities—whileMaryandIwereofficiallyforbiddentoreadawordofit.Marydidn’tseemtocareforbooks,butI...Idreamedoftheminmysleep.IlovedtheminawayIcouldn’tfullyexpresseventoThomas.Hepointedmetocertainvolumesanddrilled
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meonLatindeclensions.Hewastheonlyonewhoknewmydesperationtoacquireatrueeducation,beyondtheoneIreceivedatthehandsofMadameRuffin,mytutorandFrenchnemesis.
Shewasasmall,hot-temperedwomanwhoworeawidow’scapwithstringsfloatingathercheeks,andwhenitwascold,asquirrelyfurcloakandtinyfur-lined
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shoes.ShewasknowntolinegirlsupontheIdleBenchforthesmallestinfractionandscreamatthemuntiltheyfainted.Idespisedher,andher“politeeducationforthefemalemind,”whichwascomposedofneedlework,manners,drawing,basicreading,penmanship,piano,Bible,French,andenougharithmetictoaddtwoandtwo.IthoughtitpossibleI
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mightdiefromtracingteensyflowersonthepagesofmyarttablet.OnceIwroteinthemargin,“IfIshoulddieofthishorridexercise,Iwishtheseflowerstoadornmycoffin.”MadameRuffinwasnotamused.IwasmadetostandontheIdleBench,wheresherantedatmyinsolence,andwhereIforcedmyselfnottofaint.
Increasingly,duringthose
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classes,longingshadseizedme,foreign,torrentialachesthatoverranmyheart.Iwantedtoknowthings,tobecomesomeone.Oh,tobeason!IadoredFatherbecausehetreatedmealmostasifIwereason,allowingmetoslipinandoutofhislibrary.
Onthatnight,thecoalsinthelibrary’sfireplacelaycoldandthesmellofcigarsmokestillpooledintheair.Without
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effort,IlocatedFather’sSouthCarolinaJusticeofthePeaceandPublicLaws,whichhehimselfhadauthored.I’dthumbedthroughitenoughtoknowsomewhereinthepageswasacopyofalegalmanumissiondocument.
Uponfindingit,ItookpaperandquillfromFather’sdeskandcopiedit:
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Iherebycertifythatonthisday,26November1803,inthecityofCharleston,inthestateofSouthCarolina,Isetfreefromslavery,HettyGrimké,andbestowthiscertificateofmanumissionuponher.
SarahMooreGrimké
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WhatcouldFatherdobutmakeHetty’sfreedomaslegalandbindingasherownership?Iwasfollowingacodeoflawhe’dfashionedhimself!Ileftmyhandiworkatopthebackgammonboxonhisdesk.
Inthecorridor,IheardthetingleofMother’sbell,summoningCindie,andIbrokeintoarunbackupstairsthatblewouttheflameonmy
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candle.Myroomhadturnedeven
colderandthelittlebirdhadceaseditssong.Icreptbeneaththestack-pileofquiltsandblankets,butcouldn’tsleepforexcitement.IimaginedthethanksgivingHettyandCharlottewouldheaponme.IimaginedFather’spridewhenhediscoveredthedocument,andMother’sannoyance.Legal
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andbinding,indeed!Finally,overcomewithfatigueandsatisfaction,Idriftedtosleep.
WhenIwoke,thebluishtintoftheDelfttilesaroundthehearthgleamedwithlight.Isatupintothequietness.Myecstaticburstofthenightbeforehaddrainedaway,leavingmecalmandclear.Icouldn’thaveexplainedthenhowtheoaktreelivesinsidetheacornorhowIsuddenly
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realizedthatinthesameenigmaticwaysomethinglivedinsideofme—thewomanIwouldbecome—butitseemedIknewatoncewhoshewas.
IthadbeenthereallalongasI’dscouredFather’sbooksandconstructedmyargumentsduringourdinnertabledebates.Onlythepastweek,FatherhadorchestratedadiscussionbetweenThomas
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andmeonthetopicofexoticfossilizedcreatures.Thomasarguedthatifthesestrangeanimalsweretrulyextinct,itimpliedpoorplanningonGod’spart,threateningtheidealofGod’sperfection,therefore,suchcreaturesmuststillbealiveinremoteplacesonearth.IarguedthatevenGodshouldbeallowedtochangehismind.“WhyshouldGod’sperfectionbe
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basedonhavinganunchangingnature?”Iasked.“Isn’tflexibilitymoreperfectthanstasis?”
Fatherslappedhishandonthetable.“IfSarahwasaboy,shewouldbethegreatestjuristinSouthCarolina!”
Atthetime,I’dbeenawedbyhiswords,butitwasn’tuntilnow,wakingupinmynewroom,thatIsaw
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theirtruemeaning.Thecomprehensionofmydestinycameinarush.Iwouldbecomeajurist.
Naturally,Iknewtherewerenofemalelawyers.Forawoman,nothingexistedbutthedomesticsphereandthosetinyflowersetchedonthepagesofmyartbook.Forawomantoaspiretobealawyer—well,possibly,theworldwouldend.Butan
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acorngrewintoanoaktree,didn’tit?
Itoldmyselftheafflictioninmyvoicewouldn’tstopme,itwouldcompelme.Itwouldmakemestrong,forIwouldhavetobestrong.
Ihadahistoryofenactingsmallprivaterituals.ThefirsttimeItookabookfromFather’slibrary,I’dpennedthedateandtitle—February25,1803,LadyoftheLake
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—onasliverofpaperthatIwedgedintoatortoise-shellhairclipandworeaboutsurreptitiously.Now,withdawngatheringinbrighttuftsacrossthebed,Iwantedtoconsecratewhatwassurelymygreatestrealization.
IwenttothearmoireandtookdownthebluedressCharlottehadsewedforthedisastrousbirthdayparty.Wherethecollarmet,she’d
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stitchedalargesilverbuttonwithanengravedfleurdelis.UsingthehawkbillletteropenerJohnhadleftbehind,Isaweditoff.Squeezingitinmypalm,Iprayed,Please,God,letthisseedyouplantedinmebearfruit.
WhenIopenedmyeyes,everythingwasthesame.Theroomstillborepatchesofearlylight,thedresslaylikeablueheapofskyonthefloor,
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thesilverbuttonwasclutchedinmypalm,butIfeltGodhadheardme.
Thesterlingbuttontookoneverythingthattranspiredthatnight—therevulsionofowningHetty,thereliefofsigninghermanumission,butmostlytheblissofrecognizingthatinnateseedinmyself,theonemyfatherhadalreadyseen.Ajurist.
Ituckedthebuttoninside
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asmallboxmadeofItalianlavarock,whichI’dreceivedoneChristmastime,thenhiditatthebackofmydressingdrawer.
Voicescamefromthecorridormingledwiththeclink-clankoftraysandpitchers.Thesoundofslavesintheirservitude.Theworldwaking.
Idressedhurriedly,wonderingifHettywas
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alreadyoutsidemydoor.AsIopenedit,myheartpickedupitspace,butHettywasn’tthere.ThemanumissiondocumentI’dwrittenlayonthefloor.Itwastornintwo.
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HandfulMylifewithMissSarahgotoffonabadleftfoot.
WhenIgottoherroomthatfirstmorning,thedoorhungopenandMissSarahwassittinginthecold,staringattheblankwall.Istuckmyheadinandsaid,“MissSarah,youwantmetocome
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inthere?”Shehadthicklittlehands
withstubbyfingersandtheywentuptohermouthandspreadopenlikealady’sfan.Hereyeswerepaleandspokeplainerthanhermouth.Theysaid,Idon’twantyouhere.Hermouthsaid,“......Yes,comein......I’mpleasedtohaveyouformywaitingmaid.”Thensheslumpedinherchairandwentbackto
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whatshewasdoingbefore.Nothing.
Aten-year-oldyardslavewhohadn’tdonenothingbutchoresforAunt-Sisternevergotinsidethehousemuch.Andnevertothetopfloors.Whatsucharoom!Shehadabedbigasahorsebuggy,adressingtablewithalookingglass,adeskforholdingbooksandmorebooks,andlotsofpaddedchairs.The
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chimneyplacehadafirescreenembroideredwithpinkflowersIknewcamefrommauma’sneedle.Uponthemantelweretwowhitevases,pureporcelain.
Ilookedeverythingover,thenstoodthere,wonderingwhattodo.Isaid,“Sureiscold.”
MissSarahdidn’tanswer,soIsaidlouder,“SUREISCOLD.”
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Thissnappedherfromherwall-staring.“......Youcouldlayafire,Iguess.”
I’dseenitdone,butseeingain’tdoing.Ididn’tknowtochecktheflue,andherecameallthissmokeswarmingoutlikechimneybats.
MissSarahstartedthrowingopenwindows.Itmust’velookedlikethehousewasburningcauseoutinthe
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yardTomfryyelled,“Fire,fire.”
Theneverybodytookitup.
Igrabbedthebasinofwaterinthedressingroomusedforfresheningupandhurleditonthefire,whichdidn’tdonothingbutcausethesmoketodoubleup.MissSarahfanneditoutthewindows,lookinglikeaghostthroughalltheblackclouds.
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Therewasajibdoorinherroomthatopenedtothepiazza,andIrantogetitopen,wantingtoshouttoTomfrywedidn’thaveafire,butbeforeIcouldyankitfree,Iheardmissusflyingroundthehouseholleringforeverybodytogetoutandtakeanarmload.
Afterthesmokethinnedtoafewfloatingcobwebs,IfollowedMissSarahtothe
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yard.OldSnowandSabehadalreadybridledupthehorsesandpulledthecarriagestothebackincasethewholeyardwentdownwiththehouse.TomfryhadPrinceandElitotingbucketsfromthecistern.Someneighbormenhadshowedupwithmorebuckets.Folksfearedafireworsethanthedevil.TheykeptaslavesittingalldayupinthesteepleonSt.
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Michael’s,watchingtherooftopsforfire,andIworriedhe’dseeallthissmoke,ringthechurchbell,andthewholebrigadeshowup.
Irantomaumawhowasbunchedwiththerestof’em.Thestufftheythoughtworthsavingwasheapedinpilesbytheirfeet.Chinabowls,teacaddies,recordbooks,clothes,portraits,Bibles,
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brooches,andpearls.Evenamarblebustwassittingoutthere.Missushadhergold-tipcaneinonehandandasilvercigarholderintheother.
MissSarahwastryingtocutthroughthefranticstotellTomfryandthementherewasn’tafiretothrowtheirwateron,butbythetimeshedraggedthewordsoutofhermouth,themenhadgonebacktohaulingwater.
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Whenitgotworkedoutwhat’dhappened,missuswentintoafury.“Hetty,youincompetentfool!”
Nobodymoved,noteventheneighbormen.Maumamovedoverandtuckedmebehindher,butmissusjerkedmeoutfront.Shebroughtthegold-tipcanedownonthebackofmyhead,worstblowIevergot.Itdrovemetomyknees.
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Maumascreamed.SodidMissSarah.Butmissus,sheraisedherarmlikeshe’dgoatmeagain.Ican’tdescribeproperwhatcamenext.Theworkyard,thepeopleinit,thewallsshuttingusin,allthatfellaway.Thegroundrolledoutfromundermeandtheskybillowedofflikeatentcaughtinthewind.Iwasinaspacetomyself,somewheretimecan’tcross.
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Avoicecalledsteadyinmyhead,Getupfromthere.Getupfromthereandlookherintheface.Darehertostrikeyou.Dareher.
Igotonmyfeetandpokedmyfaceather.Myeyessaid,Hitme,Idareyou.
Missusletherarmdropandsteppedback.
ThentheyardwasroundmeagainandIreachedupandfeltmyhead.Alumpwas
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therethesizeofaquailegg.Maumareachedoverandtoucheditwithherfingertip.
TherestofthatGod-forsookdayeverywomanandgirlslavewasmadetodragclothes,linens,rugs,andcurtainsfromeveryroomupstairsouttothepiazzaforairing-out.EveryonebutmaumaandBinahshoweredmewithlooksofdespising.MissSarahcameupthere
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wantingtohelpandstartedhaulingwiththerestofus.EverytimeIturnedround,shewaslookingatmelikeshe’dneverseenmebeforeinherlife.
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SarahItookmealsaloneinmyroomforthreefulldaysasaprotestagainstowningHetty,thoughIdon’tthinkanyonemuchnoticed.Onthefourthday,Iswallowedmyprideandarrivedinthediningroomforbreakfast.MotherandIhadn’tspokenofthe
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doomedmanumissiondocument.Isuspectedshewastheonewho’dtornitintotwoevenpiecesanddepositedthemoutsidemyroom,therebyhavingtheLastWordwithoututteringasyllable.
Attheageofeleven,IownedaslaveIcouldn’tfree.O
Themeal,thelargestoftheday,hadlongbeenunder
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way—Father,Thomas,andFrederickhadalreadyleftinpursuitofschoolandwork,whileMother,Mary,Anna,andElizaremained.
“Youarelate,mydear,”Mothersaid.Notwithoutanoteofsympathy.
Phoebe,whoassistedAunt-Sisterandlookedslightlyolderthanmyself,appearedatmyelbow,emanatingthefreshodorsof
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thekitchenhouse—sweat,coal,smoke,andanacridfishiness.Typically,shestoodbythetableandswishedtheflybrush,buttodaysheslidaplatebeforemeheapedwithsausages,gritcake,saltedshrimp,brownbread,andtapiocajelly.
Attemptingtoloweraquiverycupofteabesidemyplate,Phoebedepositeditontopmyspoon,causingthe
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contentstosloshontothecloth.“Ohmissus,Isorry,”shecried,whirlingtowardMother.
MotherblewoutherbreathasifallthemistakesofalltheNegroesintheworldrestedpersonallyuponhershoulders.“WhereisAunt-Sister?Why,forheaven’ssake,areyouserving?”
“Sheshowingmehowtodoit.”
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“Well,seethatyoulearn.”
AsPhoeberushedtostandoutsidethedoor,Itriedtotossherasmile.
“It’sniceofyoutomakeanappearance,”Mothersaid.“Youarerecovered?”
Alleyesturnedonme.Wordscollectedinmymouthandlaythere.Atsuchmoments,IusedatechniqueinwhichIimaginedmy
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tonguelikeaslingshot.Idrewitback,tighter,tighter.“......I’mfine.”Thewordshurledacrossthetableinasprayofsaliva.
Marymadeashowofdabbingherfacewithanapkin.
She’llendupexactlylikeMother,Ithought.Runningahousecongestedwithchildrenandslaves,whileI—
“Itrustyoufoundthe
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remainsofyourfolly?”Motherasked.
Ah,thereitwas.Shehadconfiscatedmydocument,likelywithoutFatherknowing.
“Whatfolly?”Marysaid.IgaveMotherapleading
look.“Nothingyouneed
concernyourselfwith,Mary,”shesaid,andtiltedherheadasifshewantedtomendthe
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riftbetweenus.Islumpedinmychairand
debatedtakingmycausetoFatherandpresentinghimwiththetornmanumissiondocument.Icouldthinkoflittleelsefortherestoftheday,butbynightfall,Iknewitwoulddonogood.HedeferredtoMotheronallhouseholdmatters,andheabhorredatattler.Mybrothersnevertattled,andI
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woulddonoless.Besides,Iwould’vebeenanidiottorileMotherfurther.
Icounteredmydisappointmentbyconductingvigoroustalkswithmyselfaboutthefuture.Anythingispossible,anythingatall.
Nightly,Iopenedthelavaboxandgazeduponthesilverbutton.
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HandfulMissussaidIwastheworstwaitingmaidinCharleston.Shesaid,“Youareabysmal,Hetty,abysmal.”
IaskedMissSarahwhatabysmalmeansandshesaid,“Notquiteuptostandard.”
Uhhuh.Icouldtellfrommissus’face,there’sbad,
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there’sworse,andafterthatcomesabysmal.
Thatfirstweek,besidethesmoke,Ispilledlampoilonthefloorleavingaslickspot,brokeoneofthoseporcelainvases,andfriedapieceofMissSarah’sredhairwithacurlingtong.MissSarahnevertattled.Shetuggedtherugovertocovertheoilyplace,hidthebrokeporcelaininastoreroominthecellar,
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andcutoffhersingedhairwiththesnufferweusedtosnipthecandlewick.
OnlytimeMissSarahrangherbellformewasifmissuswasheadedourway.Binahandhertwogirls,LucyandPhoebe,alwayssangout,“Thecanetapping.Thecanetapping.”MissSarah’swarningbellgavemesomeextraleadonmyrope,andItookit.Iwouldrovedown
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thehallwaytothefrontalcovewhereIcouldseethewaterintheharborfloattotheoceanandtheoceanrollontillitsloshedagainstthesky.Nothingcouldholdagloryboundpicturetoit.
FirsttimeIsawit,myfeethoppedinplaceandIliftedmyhandovermyheadanddanced.That’swhenIgottruereligion.Ididn’tknowtocallitreligionbackthen,
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didn’tknowAmenfromwhat-when,Ijustknewsomethingcameintomethatmademefeelthewaterbelongedtome.Iwouldsay,that’smywateroutthere.
Isawitturneverycolor.Itwasgreenoneday,thenbrown,nextdayyellowascider.Purple,black,blue.Itstayedrestless,neverceasing.Boatscomingandgoingontop,fishesunderneath.
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Iwouldsingtheselittleversestoit:
Crossthewater,crosstheseaLetthemfishescarryme.Ifthatwatertaketoolong,Carrymeon,Carrymeon.
Afteramonthortwo,Iwasdoingmorethingsright
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inthehouse,butevenMissSarahdidn’tknowsomenightsIleftmypostbyherdoorandwatchedthewaterallnightlong,thewayitbrokesilverfromthemoon.Thestarsshiningbigasplatters.IcouldseecleantoSullivan’sIsland.Ipinedformaumawhenitwasdark.Imissedourbed.Imissedthequiltframeguardingoverus.Ipicturedmaumasewing
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quiltsbyherself.Iwouldthinkaboutthegunnysackstuffedwithfeathers,theredpouchwithourpinsandneedles,mypurebrassthimble.Nightslikethat,Ihightaileditbacktothestableroom.
Everytimemaumawokeandfoundmeinbedwithher,shehadafit,sayingallthetroubletherewouldbeifIgotcaught,howIalreadylived
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toofaroutonmissus’badside.
“Ain’tnothin’goodgoncomefromyouwanderingofflikethis,”shesaid.“Yougottostayputonyourquilt.Youdothatforme,youhearme?”
AndI’ddoitforher.Leastforafewdays.I’dlayonthefloorinthehall,tryingtostaywarminthedraft,twistingroundinsearchofthesoftestfloorboard.Icould
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makedowiththatmiseryandtakemysolacefromthewater.
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SarahOnablearymorninginMarch,fourmonthsafterthecalamityofmyeleventhbirthday,IwoketofindHettymissing,herpalletontheflooroutsidemyroomcrumpledwiththeoutlineofhersmallbody.Bynow,shewould’vebeenfillingmy
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basinwithwaterandtellingmesomestoryorother.ItsurprisedmethatIfeltherabsencepersonally.ImissedherasIwouldafondcompanion,butIfrettedforher,too.MotherhadalreadytakenhercanetoHettyonce.
Findingnotraceofherinthehouse,Istoodonthetopstepbythebackdoor,scanningtheworkyard.Athinhazehaddriftedinfrom
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theharbor,andoverheadthesunglintedthroughitwiththedullgoldofapocketwatch.Snowwasinthedoorofthecarriagehouse,repairingoneofthebreechingstraps.Aunt-Sisterstraddledastoolbythevegetablegarden,scalingfish.Notwishingtorousehersuspicions,IambledtotheporchofthekitchenhousewhereTomfrywashandingoutsupplies.SoaptoElifor
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washingthemarblesteps,twoOsnaburgtowelstoPhoebeforcleaningcrystal,acoalscooptoSabeforre-supplyingthescuttles.
AsIwaitedforhimtofinish,Iletmyeyesdrifttotheoakinthebackleftcorner.Itsbrancheswereadornedwithtightbuds,andthoughthetreeborelittleresemblancetoitssummervisage,thememoryofthat
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long-agodayreturned:sittingstraddle-leggedontheground,thehotstillness,thegreen-skinnedshade,arrangingmywordswithmarbles,SarahGo—
Ilookedawaytotheoppositesideoftheyard,anditwasthereIsawHetty’smother,Charlotte,walkingbesidethewoodpile,bendingnowandthentopickupsomethingfromtheground.
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Arrivingbehindherunseen,Inoticedthetidbitsshescavengedweresmall,downyfeathers.“......Charlotte—”
Shejumpedandthefeatherbetweenherfingersflutteredoffontheseawind.Itflittedtothetopofthehighbrickwallthatenclosedtheyard,snagginginthecreepingfig.
“MissSarah!”shesaid.
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“Youscaredthejimminiesoutofme.”Herlaughwashigh-pitchedandfragilewithnerves.Hereyesdartedtowardthestable.
“......Ididn’tmeantostartleyou...Ionlywondered,doyouknowwhere—”
Shecutmeoff,andpointedintothewoodpile.“Lookwaydown’nthere.”
Peeringintoaberth
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betweentwopiecesofwood,Icamefacetofacewithapointy-earedbrowncreaturecoveredwithfuzz.Onlyslightlybiggerthanahen’schick,itwasanowlofsomesort.Idrewbackasitsyelloweyesblinkedandboreintome.
Charlottelaughedagain,thistimemorenaturally.“Itain’tgonbite.”
“......It’sababy.”
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“Icameonitafewnightsback.Poorthingontheground,crying.”
“......Wasit...hurt?”“Naw,justleftbehindis
all.Itsmauma’sabarnowl.Tookupinacrow’snestintheshed,butsheleft.I’m’fraidsomethinggother.Ibeenfeedingthebabyscraps.”
MyonlyliaisonswithCharlottehadbeendress
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fittings,butI’dalwaysdetectedakeennessinher.OfalltheslavesFatherowned,shestruckmeasthemostintelligent,andperhapsthemostdangerous,whichwouldturnouttobetrueenough.
“......I’llbekindtoHetty,”Isaidabruptly.Thewords—remorsefulandlordly—cameoutasifsomepustuleofguilthaddisgorged.
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Hereyesflashedopen,thennarrowedintosmallburrs.Theywerehoneycolored,thesameasHetty’s.
“......Inevermeanttoownher...Itriedtofreeher,but...Iwasn’tallowed.”Icouldn’tseemtostopmyself.
Charlotteslidherhandintoherapronpocket,andsilencewelledunbearably.She’dseenmyguiltandsheuseditwithcunning.“That’s
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awright,”shesaid.“CauseIknowyougonmakethatuptoheronethesedays.”
TheletterMclampedontomytonguewithitslittlejaws.“.........M-m-makeitup?”
“Imean,Iknowyougonhepheranywayyoucantogetfree.”
“......Yes,I’lltry,”Isaid.
“WhatIneedisyou
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swearingtoit.”Inodded,hardly
understandingthatI’dbeendeftlyguidedintoacovenant.
“Youkeepyourword,”shesaid.“Iknowyouwill.”
RememberingwhyI’dapproachedherinthefirstplace,Isaid,“...I’vebeenunabletofind—”
“Handfulgonbeatyourdoor’foreyouknowit.”
Walkingbacktothe
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house,Ifeltthenooseofthatstrangeandintimateexchangepullintoaknot.
Hettyappearedinmyroomtenminuteslater,hereyesdominatinghersmallface,fierceasthelittleowl’s.Seatedatmydesk,I’donlyjustopenedabookI’dborrowedfromFather’slibrary,TheAdventuresofTelemachus.Telemachus,thesonofPenelopeand
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Odysseus,wassettingouttoTroytofindhisfather.Withoutquestioningherearlierwhereabouts,Ibegantoreadaloud.Hettyploppedontothebed-stepsthatledtothemattress,restedherchininthecupofherhands,andlistenedthroughthemorningasTelemachustookonthehostilitiesoftheancientworld.
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WilyCharlotte.AsMarchpassed,Ithoughtobsessivelyaboutthepromiseshe’dwrungfromme.Whyhadn’tItoldherHetty’sfreedomwasimpossible?ThatthemostIcouldeverofferherwaskindness?
WhenitcametimetosewmyEasterdress,Icringedtothinkofseeingheragain,petrifiedshewouldbringupourconversationbythe
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woodpile.Iwouldratherhaveimpaledmyselfwithaneedlethanenduredmoreofherscrutiny.
“Idon’tneedanewdressthisEaster,”ItoldMother.
Aweeklater,Istoodonthefittingbox,wearingahalf-sewnsatindress.Onenteringmyroom,CharlottehadhastenedHettyoffonsomecontrivedmissionbeforeIcouldthinkofaway
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tooverrideher.Thedresswasalightshadeofcinnamon,remarkablysimilartothetoneofCharlotte’sskin,alikenessInotedasshestoodbeforemewiththreestraightpinswedgedbetweenherlips.Whenshespoke,Ismelledcoffeebeans,andknewshe’dbeenchewingthem.Herwordssqueezedoutaroundthepinsintwistedcurlsofsounds.“Yougonkeepthat
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wordyougaveme?”Tomydisgrace,Iused
myimpedimenttomyadvantage,strugglingmorethannecessarytoanswerher,pretendingthewordsfellbackintothedarkchuteofmythroatanddisappeared.
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HandfulOnthefirstgoodSaturday,whenitlookedlikespringwasstayingputthistime,missustookMissSarah,MissMary,andMissAnnaoffinthecarriagewiththelanternsonit.Aunt-SistersaidtheyweregoingtoWhitePointtopromenade,saidallthe
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womenandgirlswouldbeoutwiththeirparasols.
WhenSnowdrovethecarriageoutthebackgate,MissSarahwaved,andSabe,whowasdandiedupinagreenfrockcoatandliveryvest,washangingofftheback,grinning.
Aunt-Sistersaidtous,“Whatyawllookingat?Gettoworkcleaning,afullspitandshineontheirrooms.
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Makehaywhilethemiceaway.”
UpinMissSarah’sroom,Ispreadthebedandscrubbedthegloomonthelookingglassthatwouldn’tcomeoffwithanykindofash-water.Isweptupdeadmothsfatfromgnawingonthecurtains,wipeddowntheprivypot,andthrewinapinchofsoda.Iscrubbedthefloorswithlimesoapfromthedemijohn.
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Woreoutfromallthat,Ididwhatwecallshilly-shally.Pokingrounduptonogood.First,Ilookedtoseewasanyslaveinthepassageway—someofthemwouldassoontellonyouasblink.IshutthedoorandopenedMissSarah’sbooks.Isatatherdeskandturnedonepageafteranother,staringatwhatlookedlikebitsandpiecesofblacklacelaidcrossthe
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paper.Themarkshadabeautytothem,butIdidn’tseehowtheycoulddoanythingbutconfuddleaperson.
Ipulledoutthedeskdrawerandrootedallthroughherthings.Ifoundapieceofunfinishedcrossstitchwithclumsystitches,lookedlikeathree-year-oldhaddoneit.Therewassomefine,glossythreadsinthedrawer
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wrappedonwoodspools.Sealingwax.Tanpaper.Littledrawingswithinksmudges.Alongbrasskeywithatasselonit.
Iwentthroughthewardrobe,touchingthefrocksmauma’dmade.Inosedthroughthedressingtabledrawer,pullingoutjewelry,hairribbons,paperfans,bottlesandbrushes,andfinally,alittlebox.It
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glisteneddarklikemyskinwhenitwaswet.Ipushedupthelatch.Insidewasabigsilverbutton.Itouchedit,thenclosedthelidthesameslowwayI’dclosedherwardrobe,herdrawers,andherbooks—withmychestfillingup.Therewassomuchintheworldtobehadandnothad.
Iwentbackandopenedupthedeskdraweronemore
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timeandstaredatthethreads.WhatIdidnextwaswrong,butIdidn’tmuchcare.Itooktheplumpspoolofscarletthreadanddroppeditinmydresspocket.
TheSaturdaybeforeEasterweallgotsenttothediningroom.Tomfrysaidthingshadgonemissinginthehouse.Iwentintherethinking,Lord,
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helpme.Therewasn’tnothing
worseforusthansomelittleoldpieceofnonsensedisappearing.Onedent-uptincupinthepantryoratoastcrumboffmissus’plateandthefeathersflew.Butthistimeitwasn’tapieceofnonsense,anditwasn’tscarletthread.Itwasmissus’brandnewboltofgreensilkcloth.
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Therewewere,fourteenofus,linedupwhilemissuscarriedonaboutit.Shesaidthesilkwasspecial,howittraveledfromtheothersideoftheworld,howthesewormsinChinahadspunthethreads.Backthen,I’dneverheardsuchcrazinessinmylife.
Everyoneofuswassweatingandtwitching,runningourhandsinour
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britchespocketsorupunderouraprons.Icouldsmelltheodorsoffourbodies,whichwasnothingbutfear.
Maumakneweverythinghappeningoutthereoverthewall—missusgaveherpassestotraveltothemarketbyherself.Shetriedtokeepthebadpartsfromme,butIknewaboutthetorturehouseonMagazineStreet.ThewhitefolkscalledittheWork
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House.Liketheslaveswereintheresewingclothesandmakingbricksandhammeringhorseshoes.IknewaboutitbeforeIwaseight,thedarkholetheyputyouinandleftyoubyyourselfforweeks.Iknewaboutthewhippings.Twentylasheswasthelimityoucouldget.Awhitemancouldbuyaboutoffloggingsforhalfadollarandusethemwhenever
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heneededtoputsomeslaveintherightframeofmind.
FarasIknew,notoneGrimkéslavehadgonetotheWorkHouse,butthatmorning,everyoneofusinthediningroomwaswonderingisthistheday.
“Oneofyouisguiltyofthieving.Ifyoureturntheboltofcloth,whichiswhatGodwouldhaveyoudo,thenIwillbeforgiving.”
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Uhhuh.Missusdidn’tthinkwe
hadagrainofsense.Whatwereanyofus
gonnadowithemeraldsilk?
Thenightaftertheclothvanished,Islippedout.Walkedstraightoutthedoor.IhadtopassbyCindieoutsidemissus’door—shewasnofriendtomauma,and
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Ihadtobewaryroundher,butshewassnoringaway.Islidintobednexttomauma,onlyshewasn’tinbedthistime,shewasstandinginthecornerwithherarmsfoldedoverherchest.Shesaid,“Whatyouthinkyoudoing?”
Ineverhadheardthattonetohervoice.
“Getup,wegoingbacktothehouserightnow.Thisthelasttimeyousneakingout,
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thelasttime.Thisain’tnogame,Handful.Therebemiserytopayonthis.”
Shedidn’twaitformetomove,butsnatchedmeuplikeIwasastraypieceofbatting.Grabbedmeunderonearm,marchedmedownthecarriagehousesteps,crosstheworkyard.Myfeetdidn’thardlytouchtheground.Shedraggedmeinsidethroughthewarmingkitchen,thedoor
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nobodylocked.Herfingerrestedagainstherlips,warningmetostayquiet,thenshetuggedmetothestaircaseandnoddedherheadtowardthetop.Goonnow.
Thosestairstepsmadearacket.Ididn’tgettenstepswhenIheardadooropendownbelow,andtheairsuckfrommauma’sthroat.
Master’svoicecameoutofthedark,saying,“Whois
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it?Whoisthere?”Lamplightshotcrossthe
walls.Maumadidn’tmove.“Charlotte?”hesaid,calm
ascouldbe.“Whatareyoudoinginhere?”
Behindherback,maumamadeasignwithherhand,wavingatthefloor,andIknewshemeantmetocrouchlowonthesteps.“Nothing,massaGrimké.Nothing,sir.”
“Theremustbesome
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reasonforyourpresenceinthehouseatthishour.Youshouldexplainyourselfnowtoavoidanytrouble.”Itwasalmostkindthewayhesaidit.
Maumastoodtherewithoutaword.MasterGrimkéalwaysdidthattoher.Saysomething.Ifitwasmissusstandingthere,maumacould’vespitoutthree,fourthingsalready.SayHandfulis
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sickandyou’regoingtoseeabouther.SayAunt-SistersentyouinheretogetsomeremedyforSnow.Sayyoucan’tsleepforworryingabouttheirEasterclothes,howtheygonnafitinthemorning.Sayyou’rewalkinginyoursleep.Justsaysomething.
Maumawaitedtoolong,causeherecamemissusoutfromherroom.Peeringover
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thestep,Icouldseeshehadhersleepingcaponcrooked.
IhaveknotsinmyyearsthatIcan’tundo,andthisisoneoftheworst—thenightIdidwrongandmaumagotcaught.
Icould’veshowedmyself.Icould’vegiventherightfulaccount,saiditwasme,butwhatIdidwasballupsilentonthestairsteps.
Missussaid,“Areyouthe
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pilferer,Charlotte?Haveyoucomebackformore?Isthishowyoudoit,slippinginatnight?”
MissusrousedCindieandtoldhertofetchAunt-Sisterandlighttwolamps,theyweregoingtosearchmauma’sroom.
“Yessum,yessum,”saidCindie.Pleasedasaplanterpunch.
MasterGrimkégroaned
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likehe’dsteppedinadogpile,allthisnastybusinesswithwomenandslaves.Hetookhislightandwentbacktobed.
Ifollowedaftermaumaandthemfromadistance,sayingwordsaten-year-oldshouldn’tknow,butI’dlearnedplentyofcussatthestableslisteningtoSabesingtothehorses.Goddamney,goddamney,dayandnight.
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Goddamney,goddamney,allthemwhites.Iwasworkingmyselfuptotellmissuswhat’dhappened.IleftmyplacebesideMissSarah’sdoorandsneakedouttomyoldroom.Maumabroughtmebacktothehouse.
WhenIpeeredroundthedoorjamintoourroom,Isawtheblanketstornoffthebed,thewashbasinturnedover,andourflannelgunnysack
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dumpedupsidedown,quilt-fillingseverywhere.Aunt-Sisterwasworkingthepulleytolowerthequiltframe.Ithadaquilt-toponitwithrawedges,brightlittlethreadsfluttering.
Nobodylookedatmestandinginthedoorway,justmaumawhoseeyesalwayswenttome.Herlidssankshutandshedidn’topenthemback.
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Thewheelsonthepulleysangandtheframefloateddowntothatsqueakymusic.Thereontopoftheunfinishedquiltwasaboltofbrightgreencloth.
Ilookedattheclothandthoughthowpretty.Lamplightcatchingoneverywrinkle.Me,Aunt-Sister,andmissusstaredatitlikeitwas
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somethingwe’ddreamed.Missusgaveusanearful
thenabouthowharditwasforhertovisitdisciplineonaslaveshe’dtrusted,butwhatchoicedidshehave?
Shetoldmauma,“IwilldelayyourpunishmentuntilMonday—tomorrowisEasterandIdonotwantitmarredbythis.Iwillnotsendyouoffforpunishment,andyoushouldbegratefulforthat,
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butIassureyouyourpenaltywillmatchyourcrime.”
Shehadn’tsaidWorkHouse,she’dsaidoff,butweknewwhatoffmeant.Leastmaumawasn’tgoingthere.
Whenmissusfinallyturnedtome,shedidn’taskwhatwasIdoingouthereorsendmebacktoMissSarah’sfloorboards.Shesaid,“Youmaystaywithyourmotheruntilherpunishmenton
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Monday.Iwishhertohavesomeconsolationuntilthen.Iamnotanunfeelingwoman.”
Longintothatnight,Islobberedoutmysorrowandguilttomauma.Sherubbedmyshouldersandtoldmeshewasn’tmad.ShesaidInevershould’vesnuckoutofthehouse,butshewasn’tmad.
Iwasaboutasleepwhenshesaid,“Ishould’vesewedthatgreensilkinsideaquilt
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andsheneverwould’vefoundit.Iain’tsorryforstealingit,justforgettingcaught.”
“Howcomeyoutookit?”“Cause,”shesaid.“Cause
Icould.”Thosewordsstuckwith
me.Maumadidn’twantthatcloth,shejustwantedtomakesometrouble.Shecouldn’tgetfreeandshecouldn’tpopmissusonthe
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backofherheadwithacane,butshecouldtakehersilk.Youdoyourrebellionsanywayyoucan.
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SarahOnEaster,weGrimkésrodetoSt.Philip’sEpiscopalChurchbeneaththePrideofIndiatreesthatlinedbothsidesofMeetingStreet.I’daskedforaspotintheopen-airSulkywithFather,butThomasandFredericksnaredtheprivilege,whileIwas
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stuckinthecarriagewithMotherandtheheat.Theairoozedthroughslitsthatpassedforwindows,blowinginthinlypeeledwisps.IpressedmyfaceagainsttheopeningandwatchedthesplendorofCharlestonsweepby:brightsinglehouseswiththeircapaciousverandas,flowerboxesbulgingonrowhouses,clippedjunglesoftropicalfoliage—oleander,
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hibiscus,bougainvillea.“Sarah,Itrustyou’re
preparedtogiveyourfirstlesson,”Mothersaid.I’drecentlybecomeanewteacherintheColoredSundaySchool,aclasstaughtbygirls,thirteenyearsandolder,butMotherhadproddedReverendHalltomakeanexception,andforonceheroverbearingnaturehadyieldedsomethingthat
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wasn’taltogetherrepugnant.Iturnedtoher,feelingthe
burnofprivetinmynostrils.“...Yes...Istudiedv-veryhard.”
Marymockedme,protrudinghereyesinagrotesqueway,mouthing,“...V-v-veryhard,”whichcausedBentosnicker.
Shewasamenace,mysister.Lately,thepausesinmyspeechhaddiminished
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andIrefusedtoletherfazeme.Iwasabouttodosomethingusefulforachange,andevenifIhemmedandhawedmywaythroughtheentireclass,sobeit.Atthemoment,IwasmoreconcernedIhadtoteachitpairedwithMary.
Asthecarriagenearedthemarket,thenoisemountedandthesidewalksbegantooverflowwithNegroesand
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mulattoes.Sundaywastheslaves’onlydayoff,andtheythrongedthethoroughfares—mostwerewalkingtotheirmasters’churches,requiredtoshowupandsitinthebalconies—butevenonregulardays,theslavesdominatedthestreets,doingtheirowners’bidding,shoppingthemarket,deliveringmessagesandinvitationsforteasanddinner
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parties.Somewerehiredoutandtrekkedbackandforthtowork.Naturally,theynickedalittletimetofraternize.Youcouldseethemgatheredatstreetcorners,wharves,andgrogshops.TheCharlestonMercuryrailedagainstthe“unsupervisedswarms”andcalledforregulations,butasFathersaid,aslongasaslavepossessedapassoraworkbadge,hispresencewas
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perfectlylegitimate.Snowhadbeen
apprehendedonce.Insteadofwaitingbythecarriagewhilewewereinchurch,he’ddrivenitaboutthecitywithnooneinside—akindofpleasureride.He’dbeentakentotheGuardHousenearSt.Michael’s.Fatherwasfurious,notatSnow,butattheCityGuard.Hestormeddowntothemayor’scourt
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andpaidthefine,keepingSnowfromtheWorkHouse.
AglutofcarriagesonCumberlandStreetpreventedusfromdrawingclosertothechurch.TheonslaughtofpeoplewhoattendedservicesonlyonEastertideincensedMother,whosawtoittheGrimkéswereintheirpeweverydull,commonSundayoftheyear.Snow’sgravellyvoicefilteredtousfromthe
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driver’sseat.“Missus,yawlshastowalkfromhere,”andSabeswungopenthedoorandliftedusdown,onebyone.
Ourfatherwasalreadystridingahead,notatallman,buthelookedimposinginhisgraycoat,tophat,andcravatofsilksurah.Hehadanangularfacewithalongnoseandprofusebrowsthatcurledabouttheledgeofhis
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forehead,butwhatmadehimhandsomeinmymindwashishair,awildconcoctionofdark,auburnwaves.Thomashadinheritedtherichbrown-redcolor,ashadAnnaandlittleCharles,butithadcometomeinthefeebleshadeofpersimmonsandmybrowsandlashesweresopaletheyseemedtohavebeenskippedoveraltogether.
Theseatingarrangement
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insideSt.Philip’swasaveritableblueprintofCharlestonstatus,theelitevyingtorentpewsdownfront,thelessaffluentintheback,whilethepointblankpoorclusteredonfreebenchesalongthesides.Ourpew,whichFatherrentedforthreehundreddollarsayear,wasamerethreerowsfromthealtar.
IsatbesideFather,
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cradlinghishatupsidedownonmylap,catchingawaftofthelemonoilheusedtodomesticatehislocks.Overhead,intheuppergalleries,theslavesbegantheirbabbleandlaughter.Itwasaperennialproblem,thisnoise.Theyfoundboldnessinthebalconythewaytheyfounditonthestreets,fromtheirnumbers.Recently,theirrackethadescalatedtosucha
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degreethatmonitorshadbeenplacedinthebalconiesasdeterrents.Despitethem,therumblingsgrew.Then,thwack.Acry.Parishionersswungabout,glaringupward.
BythetimeReverendHallmountedthepulpit,afull-scalehubbubhadbrokenoutattherafters.Ashoesailedoverthebalconyandplummeteddown.Aheavyboot.Itlandedonalady
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midwayback,topplingherhatandconcussingherhead.
Astheshakenladyandherfamilyleftthesanctuary,ReverendHallpointedhisfingertowardthefarleftbalconyandmoveditinaslowcircleclockwise.Whenallwassilent,hequotedascripturefromEphesians,recitingfrommemory.“Slaves,beobedienttothemthatareyourmasters,with
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fearandtrembling,insinglenessofheart,asuntoChrist.”Thenhemadewhatmany,includingmymother,wouldcallthemosteloquentextemporizationonslaverythey’deverheard.“Slaves,Iadmonishyoutobecontentwithyourlot,foritisthewillofGod!Yourobedienceismandatedbyscripture.ItiscommandedbyGodthroughMoses.Itisapprovedby
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Christthroughhisapostles,andupheldbythechurch.Takeheed,then,andmayGodinhismercygrantthatyouwillbehumbledthisdayandreturntoyourmastersasfaithfulservants.”
Hewalkedbacktohischairbehindthechancel.IstareddownatFather’shat,thenupathim,stricken,confused,stupefiedeven,tryingtounderstandwhatI
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shouldthink,buthisfacewasablank,implacablemask.
Aftertheservice,Istoodinasmall,dingyclassroombehindthechurchwhiletwenty-twoslavechildrenracedaboutinanarchy.Uponenteringthedim,airlessroom,I’dflungopenthewindowsonlytosetusadriftintreepollen.Isneezed
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repeatedlyasIrappedtheedgeofmyfanonthedesk,tryingtoinstallorder.Marysatintheonlychairintheroom,adilapidatedWindsor,andwatchedmewithanexpressionperfectlysituatedbetweenboredomandamusement.
“Letthemplay,”shetoldme.“That’swhatIdo.”
Iwastempted.Sincethereverend’shomily,Ihadlittle
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heartforthelesson.Apileofdusty,discarded
kneelingcushionswereheapedinthebackcorner,theneedlepointfrayedbeyondrepair.Iassumedtheywereforthechildrentositon,astherewasn’tastickoffurnitureintheroomotherthantheteacher’sdeskandchair.Nocurriculumleaflets,picturebooks,slateboard,chalk,oradornmentforthe
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walls.Ilaidthekneeling
cushionsinrowsonthefloor,whichstartedagameofkickingthemaboutlikeballs.I’dbeentoldtoreadtoday’sscriptureandelaborateonitsmeaning,butwhenIfinallysucceededingettingthechildrenperchedonthecushionsandsawtheirfaces,thewholethingseemedatravesty.Ifeveryonewasso
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keentoChristianizetheslaves,whyweren’ttheytaughttoreadtheBibleforthemselves?
Ibegantosingthealphabet,anewlittlelearning-ditty.ABCDEFG...Marylookedupsurprised,thensighedandreturnedtoherstateofapathy.HIJKLMNOP...TherehadneverbeenhesitationinmyvoicewhenI
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sang.Thechildren’seyesglitteredwithattention,QRS...TUV...WX...YandZ.
Icajoledthemtosingitinsectionsafterme.Theirpronunciationswerelacking.Qcameoutcoo,LMasellem.Oh,buttheirfaces!Suchgrins.ItoldmyselfwhenIreturnednexttime,Iwouldbringaslateboardandwriteouttheletterssothey
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couldseethemastheysang.IthoughtthenofHetty.I’dseenthedisarrangementofbooksonmydeskandknewsheexploredtheminmyabsence.Howshewouldlovetolearnthesetwenty-sixletters!
Afterhalfadozenrounds,thechildrensangwithgusto,half-shouting.Marypluggedherearswithherfingers,butIsangfull-pitch,usingmy
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armslikeconductorsticks,wavingthechildrenon.IdidnotseeReverendHallinthedoorway.
“Whatappallingmischiefisgoingonhere?”hesaid.
Wehaltedabruptly,leavingmewiththedizzysensethelettersstilldancedchaoticallyintheairoverourheads.Myfaceturneditsusualflamboyantcolors.
“.........Wewere
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singing,ReverendSir.”“WhichGrimkéchildare
you?”He’dbaptizedmeasababy,justashehadallmysiblings,butonecouldhardlyexpecthimtokeepusstraight.
“She’sSarah,”Marysaid,leapingtoherfeet.“Ihadnopartinthesong.”
“......I’msorrywewereboisterous,”Itoldhim.
Hefrowned.“Wedonot
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singinColoredSundaySchool,andwemostassuredlydonotsingthealphabet.Areyouawareitisagainstthelawtoteachaslavetoread?”
Iknewofthislaw,thoughvaguely,asifithadbeenstoredinarootcellarinmyheadandsuddenlyduguplikesomemoldyyam.Allright,itwasthelaw,butitstruckmeasshameful.Surely
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hewouldn’tclaimthiswasGod’swill,too.
Hewaitedformetoanswer,andwhenIdidn’t,hesaid,“Wouldyouputthechurchincontradictionofthelaw?”
ThememoryofHettythatdaywhenMothercanedherflashedthroughmymind,andIraisedmychinandglaredathim,withoutanswering.
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HandfulWhatcamenextwasafast,bitterwind.
Monday,afterwegotdonewithdevotions,Aunt-Sistertookmaumaaside.Shesaidmissushadafriendwhodidn’tlikefloggingsandhadcomeupwiththeone-leggedpunishment.Aunt-Sisterwent
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toalotoftroubletodrawusapictureofit.Shesaidtheywindaleathertieroundtheslave’sankle,thenpullthatfootupbehindhimandhitchthetieroundhisneck.Ifheletshisankledrop,thetiechokeshisthroat.
Weknewwhatshewastellingus.Maumasatdownonthekitchenhousestepsandlaidherheadflatagainstherknees.O
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Tomfrywastheonewhocametostrapherup.Icouldseehedidn’twantanypartofit,buthewasn’tsayingso.Missussaid,“Onehour,Tomfry.Thatwilldo.”Thenshewentinsidetoherwindowperch.
Heledmaumatothemiddleoftheyardnearthegardenwheretinyshootshadjustbrokethroughthedirt.Alluswereouttherehuddled
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underthespreadingtree,exceptSnowwhowasoffwiththecarriage.Rosettastartedwailing.Elipattedherarm,tryingtoeaseher.LucyandPhoebewerearguingoverapieceofcoldhamleftfrombreakfast,andAunt-Sisterwentoverthereandsmackedthembothcrosstheirfaces.
Tomfryturnedmaumasoshewasfacingthetreewith
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herbacktothehouse.Shedidn’tfight.Shestoodtherelimpasthemossonthebranches.Thescentoflowtidecomingfromtheharborwaseverywhere,arottedsmell.
Tomfrytoldmauma,“Holdontome,”andsherestedherhandonhisshoulderwhileheboundheranklewithwhatlookedlikeanoldleatherbelt.Hepulled
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itupbehindhersoshewasstandingononeleg,thenhewoundtheotherendofthestraproundherthroatandbuckledit.
MaumasawmehangingontoBinah,mylipsandchintrembling,andshesaid,“Youain’tgottowatch.Closeyoureyes.”
Icouldn’tdoit,though.Afterhegothertrussed
up,Tomfrymovedoffsoshe
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couldn’tgrabontohim,andshetookahardspill.Splittheskinoverherbrow.Whenshehittheground,thestrapyankedtightandmaumastartedchoking.Shethrewbackherheadandgulpedforair.Irantohelpher,butthetat-tat,tat-tatofmissus’canelandedonthewindow,andTomfrypulledmeawayandgotmaumatoherfeet.
Iclosedmyeyesthen,but
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whatIsawinthedarkwasworseastherealthing.Icrackedmyeyesandwatchedhertryingtokeepherlegfromdroppingdownandcuttingoffherair,fightingtostayupright.Shesethereyesontopoftheoaktree.Herstandinglegquivered.Bloodfromherhead-cutrandownhercheek.Itclungtoherjawlikerainontheroofeave.O
Don’tletherfall
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anymore.That’stheprayerIsaid.MissustoldusGodlistenedtoeverybody,evenaslavegotapieceofGod’sear.IcarriedapictureofGodinmyhead,awhiteman,bearingasticklikemissusorgoingrounddodgingslavesthewaymasterGrimkédid,actinglikehe’dsiredaworldwheretheydon’texist.Icouldn’tseehimliftingafingertohelp.
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Maumadidn’tfallagain,though,andIreckonedGodhadlentmeanear,butmaybethatearwasn’twhite,maybetheworldhadacoloredGod,too,orelseitwasmaumawhokeptherownselfstanding,whoansweredmyprayerwiththestrengthofherlimbsandthegripofherheart.Sheneverwhimpered,nevermadeasoundexceptsomewhisperingsfromher
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lips.Lateron,IaskedifherwhisperswereforGod,andshesaid,“Theywasforyourgranny-mauma.”
WhenthathourpassedandTomfryloosedthestrapoffherneck,shefelldownandcurleduponthedirt.TomfryandAunt-Sisterliftedherupbythearmsandluggedherandhernumblegsupthestairsofthecarriagehousetoherroom.Iran
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behind,tryingtokeepheranklesfrombumpingonthesteps.Theylaidheronthebedlikefloppingdownasackofflour.
Whenwewerelefttoourselves,Ilaybesideherandstaredupatthequiltframe.Fromtimetotime,Isaid,“Youwantsomewater?Yourlegshurting?”
Shenoddedheranswerswithhereyesshut.
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Intheafternoon,Aunt-Sisterbroughtsomericecakesandbrothoffachicken.Maumadidn’ttouchit.Wealwaysleftthedooropentogetthelight,andallday,noiseandsmellsfromtheyardwanderedin.LongadayasIeverlived.
Mauma’slegswouldwalkagainsameasever,butsheneverwasthesameinside.Afterthatday,itseemedpart
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ofherwasalwaysbacktherewaitingforthestraptobeloosed.Itseemedlikethat’swhenshestartedlayinghercoldfireofhate.O
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SarahThemorningafterEaster,therewasstillnosignofHetty.BetweenbreakfastandmydepartureforMadameRuffin’sschoolonLegareStreet,MothersawtoitthatIwasshutinmyroom,copyingaletterofapologytoReverendHall.
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DearReverendSir,Iapologizefor
failinginmydutiesasateacherintheColoredSundaySchoolofourdearSt.Philip’s.Ibegforgivenessformyrecklessdisregardofthecurriculumandaskyourforgivenessformyinsolencetowardyouandyourholyoffice.
Your
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RemorsefulandRepentantSoul,SarahGrimké
NosoonerhadIsignedmynamethanMotherwhiskedmetothefrontdoorwhereSnowwaitedwiththecarriage,Maryalreadyinside.Typically,MaryandImetthe
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carriageoutback,whileSnowtarried,makinguslate.
“Whyhashecometocollectusatthefront?”Iasked,towhichMotherrepliedIshouldbemorelikemysisterandnotasktediousquestions.
Snowturnedandlookedatme,andakindofforebodingleakedfromhim.
Thewholedayseemedstrunguponathin,vibrating
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wire.WhenImetwithThomasthatafternoononthepiazzaformystudies—myrealstudies—myuneasehadreachedapeak.
Twiceweekly,wedelvedintoFather’sbooks,intopointsoflaw,Latin,thehistoryoftheEuropeanworld,andrecently,theworksofVoltaire.ThomasinsistedIwastooyoungforVoltaire.“He’soveryour
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head!”Hewas,butnaturallyI’dflungmyselfintotheSeaofVoltaireanywayandemergedwithnothingmorethanseveralaphorisms.“Everymanisguiltyofallthegoodhedidn’tdo.”Suchanotionmadeitvirtuallyimpossibletoenjoylife!Andthis,“IfGoddidnotexist,manwouldhavetoinventhim.”Ididn’tknowwhetherReverendHallhadinvented
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hisGodorI’dinventedmine,butsuchideastantalizedanddisturbedme.
IlivedforthesesessionswithThomas,butseatedonthejogglingboardthatdaywiththeLatinprimeronmylap,Icouldn’tconcentrate.Thedaywasfulloftorpidwarmth,ofthesmellofcrabsbeingtrolledfromthegingerwatersoftheAshleyRiver.
“Goon.Proceed,”said
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Thomas,leaningovertotapthebookwithhisfinger.“Water,master,son—nominativecase,singularandplural.”
“......Aqua,aquae...Dominus,domini...Filius,filii......Oh,Thomas,somethingiswrong!”IwasthinkingofHetty’sabsence,Mother’sbehavior,Snow’sglumness.I’dsensedamorosenessinallofthem—
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Aunt-Sister,Phoebe,Tomfry,Binah.Thomasmust’vefeltit,too.
“Sarah,youalwaysknowmymind,”hesaid.“IthoughtI’dconcealedit,Ishould’veknown.”
“...Whatisit?”“Idon’twanttobea
lawyer.”He’dmisreadmyintent,
butIdidn’tsayso—thiswasasrivetingasecretashe’d
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everrevealedtome.“...Notalawyer?”“I’veneverwantedtobea
lawyer.Itgoesagainstmynature.”Hegavemeatiredsmile.“Youshouldbethelawyer.FathersaidyouwouldbethegreatestinSouthCarolina,doyouremember?”
Irememberedthewayoneremembersthesun,themoon,andthestarshanging
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inthesky.Theworldseemedtorushtowardme,sheenedandbeautiful.IlookedatThomasandfeltconfirmedinmydestiny.Ihadanally.Atrue,unbendingally.
Runninghishandsthroughthewavesofhishair,torrentiallikeFather’s,Thomasbegantopacethelengthofthepiazza.“Iwanttobeaminister,”hesaid.“I’mlessthanayearfrom
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followingJohntoYale,andI’mtreatedasifIcan’tthinkformyself.FatherbelievesIdon’tknowmyownmind,butIdoknow.”
“Hewon’tallowyoutostudytheology?”
“Ibeggedforhisblessinglasteveningandherefused.Isaid,‘Don’tyoucarethatit’sGod’sowncallIwishtoanswer?’Anddoyouknowwhathesaidtothat?‘Until
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Godinformsmeofthiscall,youwillstudythelaw.’”
Thomasploppedintoachair,andIwentandkneltbeforehim,pressingmycheekagainstthebackofhishand.Hisknuckleswerepricklywithheatbumpsandhair.Isaid,“IfIcould,Iwoulddoanythingtohelpyou.”
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Asthesunloweredoverthebacklot,Hettywasstillnowheretobeseen.Unabletocontainmyfearsanylonger,Iplantedmyselfoutsidethewindowofthekitchenhouse,wherethefemaleslavesalwayscongregatedafterthelastmealoftheday.
Thekitchenhousewastheirsanctum.Here,theytoldstoriesandgossipedand
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carriedontheirsecretlife.Attimes,theywouldbreakintosong,theirtunessailingacrosstheyardandslippingintothehouse.Myfavoritewasachantthatgrewrowdierasitwent:
Breaddonebroken.LetmyJesusgo.Feetbetired.LetmyJesusgo.Backbeaching.
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LetmyJesusgo.Teethdonefellout.LetmyJesusgo.Rumpbedragging.LetmyJesusgo.
Theirlaughterwouldringoutabruptly,asoundMotherwelcomed.“Ourslavesarehappy,”shewouldboast.Itneveroccurredtohertheirgaietywasn’tcontentment,butsurvival.
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Onthisevening,though,thekitchenhousewaswrappedinapall.Heatandsmokefromtheovengluggedoutthewindow,reddeningmyfaceandneck.IcaughtglimpsesofAunt-Sister,Binah,Cindie,Mariah,Phoebe,andLucyintheircalicodresses,butheardonlytheclunkofcastironpots.
Finally,Binah’svoicecarriedtome.“Youmeanto
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saysheain’teatallday?”“Notonething,”Aunt-
Sistersaid.“Well,Iain’teating
neitheriftheystrapmeupliketheydoneher,”Phoebesaid.
Acoldswellbeganinmystomach.Strappedherup?Who?NotHetty,surely.
“Whatshethinkwouldhappenifshepilferlikethat?”Ibelievedthatvoiceto
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beCindie’s.“What’dshesayforherself?”
Aunt-Sisterspokeagain.“Shewon’ttalk.Handfulupthereinbedwithher,talkingforbothof’em.”
“PoorCharlotte,”saidBinah.
Charlotte!They’dstrappedherup.Whatdidthatmean?Rosetta’smelodickeeningroseinmymemory.Isawthembindherhands.I
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sawthecowhidesplitherbackandtheblood-flowersopenanddieonherskin.
Idon’trememberreturningtothehouse,onlythatIwassuddenlyinthewarmingkitchen,ransackingthelockedcupboardwhereMotherkepthercuratives.HavingunlockeditoftentoretrieveabromideforFather,Ieasilyfoundthekeyandremovedthebluebottleof
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linimentoilandajarofsweetbalmtea.Intothetea,Idroppedtwograinsoflaudanum.
AsIstuffedthemintoabasket,Motherenteredthecorridor.“What,praytell,areyoudoing?”
Ithrewthequestionbackather.“......Whatdidyoudo?”
“Younglady,holdyourtongue!”
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Holdmytongue?I’dheldthepoor,torturedthingthenearwholeofmylife.
“......Whatdidyoudo?”Isaidagain,almostshouting.
Shedrewherlipstightandyankedthebasketfrommyarm.
Anunknownferocitytookmeover.Iwrenchedthebasketbackfromherandstrodetowardthedoor.
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“Youwillnotsetfootfromthishouse!”sheordered.“Iforbidit.”
Isteppedthroughthebackdoorintothesoftgloom,intotheterrorandthrillofdefiance.Theskyhadgonecobalt.Windwascoursinginhardfromtheharbor.
Motherfollowedme,shrieking,“Iforbidit.”Herwordsflappedoffonthebreezes,pasttheoak
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branches,overthebrickfence.
Behindus,shoesscrapedonthekitchenhouseporch,andturning,wesawAunt-Sister,Binah,Cindie,allofthemshadowedinthebillowydark,lookingatus.
Motherstoodwhite-facedontheporchsteps.
“I’mgoingtoseeaboutCharlotte.”Isaid.Thewordsslideffortlesslyovermylips
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likeacascadeofwater,andIknewinstantlythenervousafflictioninmyvoicehadgonebackintohibernation,forthatwashowithadhappenedinthepast,thedebilitygraduallyweakening,untilonedayIopenedmymouthandtherewasnotraceofit.
Mothernoticed,too.Shesaidnothingmore,andItrodtowardthecarriagehouse
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withoutlookingback.
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HandfulWhendarkfell,maumastartedtoshake.Herheadlolledandherteethclattered.Itwasn’tlikeRosettaandherfits,whereallherlimbsjerked,itwaslikemaumawascoldinsideherbones.Ididn’tknowwhattodobutpatherarmsandlegs.Aftera
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while,shegrewstill.Herbreathingdrewheavy,andbeforeIknewit,Idriftedoffmyself.
IstarteddreamingandinthatdreamIwassleeping.Isleptunderanarborofthickgreen.Itwasbentperfectoverme.Vineshungroundmyarms.Scuppernongsfellalongsidemyface.Iwasthegirlsleeping,butatthesametimeIcouldseemyself,likeI
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waspartofthecloudsfloatingby,andthenIlookeddownandsawthearborwasn’treallyanarbor,itwasourquiltframecoveredinvinesandleaves.Iwentonsleeping,watchingmyselfsleeping,andthecloudswentonfloating,andIsawinsidethethickgreenagain.Thistime,itwasmaumaherselfinsidethere.
Idon’tknowwhatwoke
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me.Theroomwasquiet,thelightgone.
Maumasaid,“Youwake?”Thosewerethefirstwordsshe’dsaidsinceTomfrystrappedher.
“I’mawake.”“Awright.Igontellyoua
story.Youlistening,Handful?”
“I’mlistening.”Myeyeshadgotusedto
thedark,andIsawthedoor
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stillproppedwidetothehallway,andmaumabesideme,frowning.Shesaid,“Yourgranny-maumacomefromAfricawhenshewasagirl.’Boutsameasyounow.”
Myheartstartedtobeathard.Itfilledupmyears.
“Soonasshegothere,hermaumaanddaddywastakenfromher,andthatsamenightthestarsfelloutthesky.Youthinkstarsdon’tfall,butyour
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granny-maumasworeit.”Maumatarried,lettingus
picturehowtheskymight’velooked.
“Shesayeverythingoverheresoundlikejibberjabbertoher.Thefoodtastelikemonkeymeat.Sheain’tgotnothin’butthislittleoldscrapofquilthermaumamade.InAfrica,hermaumawasaquilter,bestthereis.TheywasFonpeopleandsewed
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appliqué,samelikeIdo.Theycutoutfishes,birds,lions,elephants,everybeasttheyhad,andsewed’emon,butthequiltyourgranny-maumabroughtwithherdidn’thavenoanimalsonit,justlittlethree-side-shapes,whatyoucallatriangle.SamelikeIputonmyquilts.Mymaumasaytheywasblackbirdwings.”
Thefloorcreakedinthe
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hallwayandIheardsomebodyouttherebreathinghighandfast,thewayMissSarahbreathed.Ieaseduponmyelbowandcranedmyneck,andthereshewas—hershadowblottedonthehallwindow.IloweredmyselfbacktothemattressandmaumawentontellingherstorywithMissSarahlisteningin.
“Yourgranny-maumagot
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soldtosomemanfortwentydollars,andheputherinthefieldsnearGeorgetown.Theyeatboiledblack-eyepeasinthemorning,andifyouain’tdoneeatingintenminutestime,youdon’tgetnomorethatday.Yourgranny-maumasayshealwayseattooslow.
“Ineverdidknowmydaddy.HewasawhitemannamedJohnPaul,notthemassa,buthisbrother.AfterI
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come,wegotsoldoff.MaumasayIbethefairsideofbrown,andeverybodyknowwhatthatmean.
“WegotboughtbyamannearCamden.HekeptmaumainthefieldsandIstayouttherewithher,butnightssheteachmeeverythingsheknows’boutquilts.Itoreupoldpantlegsanddresstailsandpieced’em.MaumasayinAfricatheysewcharmsin
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theirquilts.Iputpiecesofmyhairdowninsidemine.WhenIgottwelve,maumastartbraggin’totheCamdenmissus,howIcouldsewanything,andthemissustookmetothehousetolearnfromtheirseamstress.Igotbetter’nshewasinahurry.”
Shebrokeoffandshiftedherlegsonthebed.Iwasafraidthatwasallshehadtosay.Ineverhadheardthis
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story.Listeningtoitwaslikewatchingmyselfsleep,cloudsfloating,maumabentoverme.IforgotMissSarahwasoutthere.
Iwaited,andfinallyshestartedbacktelling.“MaumabirthedmybrotherwhileIwassewinginthehouse.Sheneversaywhohisdaddywas.Mybrotherdidn’tliveouttheyear.
“Afterhedie,your
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granny-maumafoundusaspirittree.It’sjustaoaktree,butshecallitaBaybobliketheyhaveinAfrica.ShesayFonpeoplekeepaspirittreeanditalwaysbeaBaybob.Yourgranny-maumawrappedthetrunkwiththreadshebeggedandstole.Shetookmeoutthereandsay,‘Wegonputourspiritsinthetreesotheysafefromharm.’Wekneelonherquiltfrom
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Africa,nothingbutashrednow,andwegiveourspiritstothetree.Shesayourspiritsliveinthetreewiththebirds,learningtofly.Shetoldme,‘Ifyouleavethisplace,gogetyourspiritandtakeitwithyou.’Weusedtogatherupleavesandtwigsfromroundthetreeandstick’eminpouchestowearatournecks.”
Herhandwenttoher
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throatlikeshewasfeelingforit.
Shesaid,“Maumadiedofacrouponewinter.Iwassixteen.Icouldsewanythingtherewas.’Boutthattimethemassagotinmoney-debtandsoldoffeveryoneofus.IgotboughtbymassaGrimkéforhisplaceinUnion.Night’foreIleft,Iwentandgotmyspiritfromthetreeandtookitwithme.
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“Iwantyoutoknow,yourdaddywasgoodasgold.HisnamewasShanney.HeworkinmassaGrimké’sfields.OnedaymissussayIgottocomesewforherinCharleston.Isayawright,butbringShanney,hemyhusband.ShesayShanneyafieldslave,andmaybeIseehimsometimewhenIbackforavisit.Youwasalreadyinsideme,andnobodyknew.
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Shanneydiefromacutonhisleg’foreyouayearold.Heneversawyourface.”
Maumastoppedtalking.Shewasdone.Shewenttosleepthenandleftthestorybentperfectoverme.
NextmorningwhenIeasedoutofbedheadedfortheprivy,Ibumpedintoabasketsittingbythedoor.Insideit
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wasabigbottleoflinimentandsomemedicine-tea.
ThatdayIwentbacktotendingMissSarah.Islippedintoherroomwhileshewasreadingoneofherbooks.Shewasshytobringupwhathappenedtomauma,soIsaid,“Wegotyourbasket.”
Herfaceeased.“TellyourmotherI’msorryforhertreatment,andIhopeshe’llfeelbettersoon,”andit
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wasn’tanytoilinherwords.“Thatmeanalottous,”I
said.Shelaidthebookdown
andcamewhereIwasstandingbythechimneyplaceandputherarmsroundme.Itwashardtoknowwherethingsstood.Peoplesaylovegetsfouledbyadifferencebigasours.Ididn’tknowforsurewhetherMissSarah’sfeelingscame
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fromloveorguilt.Ididn’tknowwhetherminecamefromloveoraneedtobesafe.Shelovedmeandpitiedme.AndIlovedherandusedher.Itneverwasasimplething.Thatday,ourheartswerepureastheyeverwouldget.
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SarahSpringturnedtosummer,andwhenMadameRuffinsuspendedclassesuntilthefall,IaskedThomastoexpandourprivatelessonsonthepiazza.
“I’mafraidwehavetostopthemaltogether,”hesaid.“Ihavemyownstudies
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toconsider.FatherhasorderedmetoundertakeasystematicstudyofhislawbooksinpreparationforYale.”
“Icouldhelpyou!”Icried.
“Sarah,Sarah,quitecontra-rah.”Itwasthephraseheusedwhenhisrefusalwasforegoneandfinal.
HehadnoideatheextentI’denmeshedhiminmy
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plans.TherewasastringofbarristerfirmsonBroadStreet,fromtheExchangetoSt.Michael’s,andIpicturedthetwoofuspartneredinoneofthemwithasignboardoutfront,GrimkéandGrimké.Ofcourse,therewouldbeanout-and-outskirmishwiththerankandfile,butwithThomasatmysideandFatheratmyback,nothingwouldpreventit.
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IboredownonFather’slawbookseveryafternoonmyself.
Inthemornings,IreadaloudtoHettyinmyroomwiththedoorbolted.Whentheaircookedtounbearabledegrees,weescapedtothepiazza,andthere,sittingsidebysideintheswing,wesangsongsthatHettycomposed,mostofthemabouttravelingacrosswaterbyboator
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whale.Herlegsswungbackandforthlikelittlebatons.Sometimeswesatbeforethewindowsinthesecond-flooralcoveandplayedLacetheString.Hettyalwaysseemedtohaveastashofredthreadinherdresspocketandwespenthourspassingitthroughourupstretchedfingers,creatingintricate,bloodshotmazesintheair.
Suchoccupationsare
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whatgirlsdotogether,butitwasthefirstoccasionforeitherofus,andwecarriedthemoutascovertlyaspossibletoavoidMotherputtinganendtothem.Wewerecrossingadangerousline,HettyandI.
OnemorningwhileCharlestonturnedmiserablyonthebrazierofsummer,
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HettyandIlayflatonourstomachsontheruginmyroomwhileIreadaloudfromDonQuixote.Theweekbefore,Motherhadorderedthemosquitonettingsoutofstorageandaffixedabovethebedsinanticipationofthebloodsuckingseason,buthavingnosuchprotection,theslaveswerealreadyscratchingandclawingattheirskin.Theyrubbed
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themselveswithlardandmolassestodrawouttheitchandtraileditseaudecolognethroughthehouse.
Hettydugataninflamedmosquitobiteonherforearmandfrownedatthebookpagesasiftheyweresomekindofirresolvablecode.IwantedhertolistentotheexploitsoftheknightandSanchoPanza,butsheinterruptedmerepeatedly,
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placingherfingeronsomewordorother,asking,“Whatdoesthatonesay?”andIwouldhavetobreakoffthestorytotellher.She’ddonethesamethingrecentlyaswereadTheLifeandStrangeSurprizingAdventuresofRobinsonCrusoeofYork,andIwonderedif,perhaps,shewasmerelyboredwiththeanticsofmen,fromtheshipwreckedtothe
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chivalrous.AsIsentmyvoiceinto
dramaticliltsandaccents,tryingtolureherbackintothetale,theroomgrewdark,tincturedwithanapproachingstorm.Windblewthroughtheopenwindow,comingthickwiththesmellofrainandoleander,swirlingtheveilsofthemosquitonet.Istoppedreading,asthunderbrokeandrainsplattedacrossthesill.
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HettyandIleaptupinunisonanddrewdownthepane,andthere,swoopinglowintheyellowgloom,wastheyoungowlthatCharlotteandHettyhadfedfaithfullythroughthespring.Ithadgrownoutofitsfledglingways,butithadnotvacateditsresidenceinthewoodpile.
Iwatcheditflystraighttowardus,arcingacrossGeorgeStreetandgliding
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overtheworkyardwall,itscomicalbarnowlfacestrikinglyvisible.Asthebirddisappeared,Hettywenttolightthelamp,butIwasfixedthere.WhatcametomewasthedayatthewoodpilewhenCharlottefirstshowedmethebird,andIrememberedtheoathI’dmadetohelpHettybecomefree,apromiseimpossibletofulfillandonethatcontinuedtocausemeno
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endofguilt,butitsuddenlyrangclearinmeforthefirsttime:CharlottesaidIshouldhelpHettygetfreeanywayIcould.
Turning,Iwatchedhercarrythelanterntomydressingtable,lightswillingaboutherfeet.Whenshesetitdown,Isaid,“Hetty,shallIteachyoutoread?”O
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Equippedwithanelementaryprimer,twoblue-backspellers,aslateboard,andlumpofchalk,webegandailylessonsinmyroom.NotonlydidIlockthedoor,Iscreenedthekeyhole.Ourtutorialswentonthroughoutthemorningfortwoormorehours.Whenweendedthem,Iwrappedthematerialsinaswathofcoarsecloth,knownasNegrocloth,andtucked
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thebundlebeneathmybed.I’dnevertaughtanyoneto
read,butI’dbeentutoredincopiousamountsofLatinbyThomasandsubjectedtoenoughofMadametodeviseareasonablescheme.Asitturnedout,Hettyhadaknack.Withinaweek,shecouldwriteandrecitethealphabet.Withintwo,shewassoundingoutwordsinthespellers.I’llneverforgetthemoment
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whenshemadethemagicalconnectioninhermindandthelettersandsoundspassedfromnonsenseintomeaning.Afterthat,shereadthroughtheprimerwithgrowingproficiency.
Bypageforty,shehadavocabularyofeighty-sixwords.Irecordedandnumberedeachoneshemasteredonasheafofpaper.“Whenyoureachahundred
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words,”Ipromisedher,“we’llcelebratewithatea.”
Shebegantodecipherwordsonapothecarylabelsandfoodjars.“HowdoyouspellHetty?”shewantedtoknow.“Howdoyouspellwater?”Herappetitetolearnwasvoracious.
Once,IglimpsedherintheworkyardwritinginthedirtwithastickandIracedintotheyardtostopher.
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She’dscrawledW-A-T-E-Rwithexactpenmanshipfortheentireworldtosee.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Isaid,rubbingthelettersawaywithmyfoot.“Someonewillsee.”
Shewasequallyexasperatedwithme.“Don’tyouthinkIgotmyownfoottoruboutletters,ifsomebodycomesalong?”
Sheconqueredher
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hundredthwordonthethirteenthofJuly.
Weheldhercelebratoryteathenextdayonthehippedroofofthehouse,hopingtocatchsightoftheBastilleDayfestivities.WehadasizeableFrenchpopulationfromSt.Domingo,aFrenchtheatre,andaFrenchfinishingschooloneverycorner.AFrench
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hair-dresserfrizzedandpowderedMotherandherfriends,regalingthemwithaccountsoftheguillotiningofMarieAntoinette,whichheclaimedtohavewitnessed.CharlestonwasBritishtothesolesofitsfeet,butitobservedthedestructionoftheBastillewithasmuchzealasourownindependence.
Weclimbedintotheatticwithtwochinacupsandajar
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ofblackteaspikedwithhyssopandhoney.Fromthere,wemountedaladderthatledtoahatchintheroof.Thomashaddiscoveredthesecretopeningatthirteenandtakenmeuptowanderamongthechimneys.SnowspottedusashedroveMotherhomefromoneofhercharitymissions,andwithoutawordtoher,he’dclimbedupandretrievedus.I’dnotventured
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heresince.HettyandInestledinto
oneofthegulliesonthesouthsidewithourbacksagainstaslope.Sheclaimednevertohavedrunkfromachinacupandgulpedquickly,whileIsippedslowlyandstaredatthehardbluepaneoverourheads.WhenthepopulacemarchedinprocessionalongBroadStreet,theyweretoofarawayforustosee,butwe
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heardthemsingingtheHymnedesMarseillois.ThebellsofSt.Philip’schimedandtherewasasaluteofthirteenguns.
Birdshadbeenloiteringontheroof,andscatteringsoffeatherswerehereandthere.Hettytuckedthemintoherpockets,andsomethingaboutthiscreatedafeelingoftendernessinme.PerhapsIwasalittledrunkonhyssop
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andhoney,onthenoveltyofbeinggirlstogetherontheroof.Whateveritwas,IbegantellingHettyconfidencesI’dkeptonlywithmyself.
ItoldherIwasaccomplishedateavesdropping,thatI’dstoodoutsideCharlotte’sroomthenightshewaspunishedandheardthestoryshetold.
“Iknow,”shesaid.“You
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notsogoodatsnoopingasyouthink.”
Ispilledeverypossiblesecret.MysisterMarydespisedme.Thomashadbeenmyonlyfriend.I’dbeendismissedasanunfitteacherofslavechildren,butsheshouldn’tworry,itwasnotduetoincompetence.
AsIwenton,myrevelationsturnedgrave.“IsawRosettabeingwhipped
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onetime,”Itoldher.“Iwasfour.Thatwaswhenthetroublewithmyspeechbegan.”
“Itseemslikeyou’retalkingallrightnow.”
“Itcomesandgoes.”“WasRosettahurtbad?”“Ithinkitwasverybad.”“What’dshedowrong?”“Idon’tknow.Ididn’t
ask—Icouldn’tspeakafterward,notforweeks.”
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Weturnedtaciturn,leaningbackandgazingatthecrenulatedclouds.TalkofRosettahadsoberedusmorethanI’dintended,fartoomuchforateacelebratingahundred-wordvocabulary.
Hopingtorestorethemood,Isaid,“I’mgoingtobealawyerlikemyfather.”Iwassurprisedtohearmyselfblurtthisout,thecrownjewelofsecrets,andfeeling
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suddenlyexposed,Iadded,“Butyoucan’ttellanyone.”
“Idon’thavenobodytotell.Justmauma.”
“Well,youcan’teventellher.Promiseme.”
Shenodded.Satisfied,Ithoughtofthe
lavaboxandmysilverbutton.“Doyouknowhowanobjectcanstandforsomethingentirelydifferentthanitspurpose?”Shelooked
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atmeblankly,whileItriedtothinkofawaytoexplain.“Youknowmymother’scane,forinstance—howit’smeanttohelpherwalk,butweallknowwhatitstandsfor.”
“Whackingheads.”Afterapause,sheadded,“Atriangleonaquiltstandsforablackbirdwing.”
“Yes,that’swhatImean.Well,Ihaveastoneboxin
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mydresserwithabuttoninside.Abuttonismeantforfasteningclothes,butthisoneisbeautiful,justplainuncommon,soIdecidedtoletitstandformydesiretobealawyer.”
“Iknowaboutthebutton.Ididn’ttouchit,Ijustopenedtheboxandlookedatit.”
“Idon’tmindifyouholdit,”Itoldher.
“Ihaveathimbleandit
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standsforpushinganeedleandkeepingmyfingertipfromturningsore,butIcouldletthatstandforsomethingelse.”
WhenIaskedherwhat,shesaid,“Idon’tknow,’ceptIwannasewlikemauma.”
Hettygotintothespirit.SheretoldtheentirestoryI’doverheardhermothertellthatnightabouthergrandmothercomingfromAfrica,
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appliquéingquiltswiththetriangles.WhenHettytalkedaboutthespirittree,hervoicetookonareverentialtone.
Beforewewentbackdownthehatch,Hettysaid,“Itookaspoolofthreadfromyourroom.Itwaslayinginyourdrawernousetoanybody.I’msorry,Icanbringitback.”
“Oh.Well,goaheadandkeepit,butpleaseHetty,
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don’tstealanymore,evenlittlethings.Youcouldlandinterribletrouble.”
Aswedescendedtheladder,shesaid,“MyrealnameisHandful.”
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HandfulMaumacamedownwithalimp.Whenshewasinherroomorinthekitchenhouseformeals,shedidn’thaveanytrouble,buttheminuteshesteppedintheyard,shedraggedherleglikeitwasadeadlog.Aunt-Sisterandthemwatchedhergolame
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andshooktheirheads.Theydidn’tlikethatkindoftrickanddidn’tmindsayingit.Maumatoldthem,“Afteryougetyourone-leggedpunishment,youcansayallyouwant.Tillthen,youbestshutup.”
Afterthat,theystayedclearofher.Stoppedtalkingifsheshowedup,startedbackwhensheleft.Maumasaiditwasahatefulshun.
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Hereyesburnedwithangerallthetimenow.Sometimessheturnedherblackenedstareonme.Sometimessheturnedittocleverness.OnedayIfoundheratthefootofthestairs,explainingtomissusshehadahardtimeclimbinguptodohersewing,andforthatmatter,ahardtimeclimbingthecarriagehousestepstoherroom.Shesaid,“ButIgon
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makeoutsomehow,don’tworry.”Thenwhilemissusandmewatched,shepulledonthebannisteranddraggedherselftothetop,callingonJesusthewholeway.
Nextweknow,missushadPrinceclearoutabigroominthecellar,onthesideofthehousethatbackeduptotheworkyardwall.Hemovedmauma’sbedinthereandallherstuff.Tookthe
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quiltframedownfromheroldceilingandnaileditonthenewone.MissussaidmaumawoulddoallthesewinginherroomfromhereoutandhadPrincebringdownthelacquersewingtable.
Thecellarroomwaslargeasthreeslaveroomsputtogether.Itwasbrightwhitewashandhaditsowntinywindowneartheceiling,
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butlookingthroughit,youdidn’tseecloudsinthesky,yousawbricksinthewall.Maumamadeitacalicocurtainanyway.Shegotholdofsomepicturesofsailingshipsfromacast-offbookandtackedthemonthewall.Apaintedrockingchairturnedupinthere,alongwithabeat-uptoilettableshecoveredwithTicklingburgcloth.Ontop,shesetempty
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coloredbottles,aboxofcandles,acakeoftallow,andatindishpiledwithcoffeebeansforherchewingpleasure.Whereshegotallthishoard,Idon’tknow.Alongthewallshelf,shelaidoutoursewingstuff:thepatchbox,thepouchwithneedlesandthread,thesackofquiltstuffing,pincushion,shears,tracingwheel,charcoal,stampingpapers,
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measuringribbons.SittingoffbythemselveswasmybrassthimbleandtheredthreadIstolefromMissSarah’sdrawer.
Oncemaumagottheplacefixedlikeapalace,sheaskedAunt-Sistercouldtheyallcomegiveaprayerforher“poorsorryroom.”Oneeveningherecamethelotofthemalltoogladtoseehowpoorandsorryitwas.Mauma
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offeredeachofthemacoffeebean.Sheletthemlooktotheirhearts’content,thenshowedthemhowthedoorlockedwithanironslidebolt,howshehadherownprivypotunderthebed,whichitfelltometoempty,consideringhowcrippleshewas.Shemadealotoverthewoodencanemissushadgivenherforgettinground.
WhenAunt-Sisterleft
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mauma’sparty,shespitontheflooroutsidethedoor,andCindiecamebehindheranddidthesamething.
Bestthingwas,Icouldgettothenewroomwithoutleavingthehouse.Morenightsthannot,IcreptdownthetwoflightsfromSarah’sroom,sidesteppingthecreaks.Maumalovedthatlockonherdoor.Ifshewasinherroom,youcouldbe
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sureitwaslatched,andifshewassleeping,Ihadtopoundmyknucklessoretillsheroused.
Maumadidn’tcareanymoreaboutmeleavingmypost.She’dsnatchopenherdoor,yankmein,andboltitback.Underthecovers,I’daskhertotellmeaboutthespirittree,wantingmoredetailofit,everyleaf,branch,andnest.WhenshethoughtI
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wassleeping,shegotupandpacedtheroom,hummingaquietsoundthroughherlips.Thosenights,somethingdarkandheedlesswaslooseinher.
Byday,shesatinhernewroomandsewed.MissSarahletmegodowneveryafternoonandstaytillsuppertime.Alittleairmightfussroundmauma’swindow,butitwaslikeasmelterintheremostofthetime.
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Maumawouldsay,“Getyoselfbusy.”Ilearnedbaste,gather,pleat,shire,gore,andgusset.Everystitchthereis.Ilearnedtodoabuttonholeandashank.Cutapatternfromscratchwithoutstampingpowder.
Thatsummer,Iturnedelevenyears,andmaumasaidthepalletIsleptonupstairswasn’tfitforadog.Weweresupposedtobeworkingon
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thenextrationofslaveclothes.Everyyearthemengottwobrownshirtsandtwowhite,twopants,twovests.Womengotthreedresses,fouraprons,andaheadscarf.Maumasaidallthatcouldwait.Sheshowedmehowtocutblacktriangleseachonebigastheendofmythumb,thenweappliquédtwohundredormoreonredsquares,acolormaumacalled
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oxblood.Wesewedontinycirclesofyellowforsunsplatter,thencrankeddownthequiltframeandpiecedeverythingtogether.Ihemmedonthehomespunbackingmyself,andwefilledtheinsidewithallthebattingandfeatherswehad.Icutaplugofmyhairandplugofmauma’sandputtheminsideforcharms.Ittooksixafternoons.O
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Maumahadstoppedstealingandtakenupsaferwaystodoharmandwreckage.She’dforget,so-callforget,thatmissus’sleeveswerebastedloose,andoneofthemwouldpopopenatchurchorsomewhere.Maumahadmesewonbuttonswithoutknots,andtheywouldfalloffmissus’bosomonthefirstwear-round.Everybodywithanear
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couldhearmissusshoutatmaumaforherlaziness,andmaumacryout,“Oh,missus,prayforme,Iwantstodobetter.”
Ican’tsaywhatallmischiefmaumadid,justwhatIsaw,andthatwasplenty.She“accidently”brokewhateverpieceofchinaortablefigurinewassittinground.Flippeditoverandkeptwalking.Whenshesaw
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theteatraysAunt-SisterleftinthewarmingkitchenforCindietotakeup,shewoulddropwhateverbitofnastinessshecouldintotheteapot.Dirtoffthefloor,lintofftherug,spitfromhermouth.ItoldMissSarah,stayclearoftheteatrays.
Daybeforethestormcame,astillfeelingweighedonthe
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air.Youfeltlikeyouwerewaiting,butyoudidn’tknowwhatfor.Tomfrysaiditwasahurricaneandbattendown.PrinceandSabeclosedthehouseshutters,storedtheworkyardtoolsintheshed,andfasteneduptheanimals.Inside,werolledupcarpetsonthefirstfloorandmovedthefragilesfromnearthewindows.Missushadusbringthefoodrationsinside
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fromthekitchenhouse.Itcameinthenightwhile
Iwasinbedwithmauma.Thewindscreamedandthrewlimbsagainstthehouse.Somanypalmtreesrattledinthedark,maumaandIhadtoshouttoheareachother.Wesatinthebedandwatchedtherainpitchagainstthehighwindowandpourinroundtheedges.Floodwaterwashedunderthedoor.Isangmy
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songsloudasIcouldtotakemymindfromit.
Crossthewater,crossthesea,Letthemfishescarryme.Ifthatwatertaketoolong,Carrymeon,Carrymeon.
Whenthestormfinallypassed,weswungourlegs
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ontothefloorandthewatercutcirclesaboveourankles.Mauma’sso-callpoorsorryroomhadturnedintoapoorsorryroom.
Atlowtidenextday,thefloodwaterdrewbackandeveryonegotcalledtothecellartoshoveloutthemud.Theworkyardwasamessofsticksandbrokenpalmfans,waterpailsandhorsefeed,thedoorofftheprivy,
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whateverthewindhadgrabbedanddropped.Apieceofshipsailwashunginthebranchesofthespreadingtree.
Oncewegotmauma’sroomcleanedup,Iwentouttoseethesailinthetree.Itwavedinthebreeze,makingastrangesight.Beneaththebranches,thegroundwasawetslateofclay.Takingastick,IwroteBABYBOY
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BLUEBLOWYOURHORNHETTY,diggingthelettersdeepinthestarchymud,pleasedatmypenmanship.WhenAunt-Sistercalledmetothekitchenhouse,Ismearedoverthewordswiththetoeofmyshoe.
Therestoftheday,thesunshonedownanddriedouttheworld.
Nextmorningwhilemeandmaumawereinthe
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diningroomwaitingfordevotions,MissMarycamehurryingdownthehallwaywithmissustrottingbehindher.Headedforthebackdoor.
Maumaleanedonhercane,said,“Wheretheytearingoffto?”
Lookingfromthewindow,wesawLucy,MissMary’swaitingmaid,underthetreeandthesailstill
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caughtinthebranches.WesawMissMaryleadmissuscrosstheyardrighttowhereLucystoodlookingattheground,andahotfeelingcameupfrommystomachandspreadovermychest.
“Whattheylookingat?”maumasaid,watchinghowthethreeofthemtippedfromtheirwaistsandstudiedthedirt.
ThenLucyranfull-tilt
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backtowardthehouse.Drawingclose,sheyelled,“Handful!Handful!Missussaycomeouthererightnow.”
Iwent,full-knowing.Mywords,straightfrom
thespeller,werebakedintheclay.Thesmear-overofmudfrommyshoehadcrackledandthinnedaway,leavingthedeepcreviceoftheletters.
BABYBOYBLUEBLOWYOURHORN
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HETTY.
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SarahTwodaysafteraSeptemberhurricanesenttidewateroverEastBayallthewaytoMeetingStreet,Binahknockedonmydoorbeforebreakfast,hereyesfilledwithfearandconsolation,andIknewsomecatastrophehadfallen.
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“Hassomeonedied?IsFather—”
“No,ain’tnobodydie.Yourdaddy,hewantyouinthelibrary.”
I’dneverbeensummonedlikethisanditcausedanodd,plummetingsensationinmylegs,somuchsoIdippedalittleatthekneeswhilewalkingbacktotheHepplewhitetoinspecttheivoryribbonI’dbeentyingin
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myhair.“What’shappened?”I
asked,tuggingthebow,smoothingmydress,lettingmyhandrestforamomentacrossmyjitterystomach.
Icouldseeherreflectionintheglass.Sheshookherhead.“MissSarah,Ican’tsaywhathewant,butitain’thelptopoke.”
Placingherhandatthesmallofmyback,shenudged
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mefromtheroom,pastHandful’snewquiltlyinginthehallway,itsmassoftrianglespinionedonthefloor.Wewalkeddownthestairs,pausingoutsidethelibrarydoor.AbstainingfromherPoorMissSarahs,Binahsaidinstead,“ListentoBinahnow.Don’tbecrying,anddon’tberunningaway.Buckyourselfupnow.”
Herwords,meantto
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steadyme,unnervedmefurther.AsItappedonthedoor,theairyfeelingreturnedtothebackofmyknees.Hesatathisdeskwithhishairoiledandcombedbacksmoothanddidn’tlookup,intentonastackofdocuments.
Whenheliftedhisface,hiseyeswerehardened.“Youhavedisappointedme,Sarah.”
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Iwastoostunnedtocryorrunaway,thetwothingsBinahhadwarnedagainst.“Iwouldneverknowinglydisappointyou,Father.Ionlycareto—”
Hethrustouthispalm.“Ihavebroughtyouheretolisten.Donotspeak.”
Myheartbeatsoferociouslymyhandswenttoeithersideofmyribstokeepthemfromunhinging.
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“Ithasbeenbroughttomyattentionthatyourslavegirlhasbecomeliterate.Donotthinktodenyit,asshewroteanumberofwordsonthemuddygroundintheyardandeventookcaretosignhername.”
OhHandful,no!Ilookedawayfromhisharsh,accusingeyes,tryingtoarrangethingsintoperspective.Handfulhad
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beencareless.We’dbeenfoundout.ButmydisbelievingmindcouldnotacceptthatFather,ofallpeople,believedherabilitytoreadwasanunpardonableoffense.Hewouldchastisemeashemust,undoubtedlyatMother’surging.Thenhewouldsoften.Inthedepthsofhisconscience,heunderstoodwhatI’ddone.
“Howdoyousupposeshe
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acquiredthisability?”heaskedcalmly.“Diditdescenduponheronedayoutoftheblue?Wasshebornwithit?Didsheteachherowningeniousselftoread?Ofcourse,weknowhowthegirlcametoread—youtaughther.Youdefiedyourmother,yourfather,thelawsofyourstate,evenyourrector,whoexpresslyadmonishedyouaboutit.”
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Herosefromhisleatherchairandwalkedtowardme,stoppingatarm’sreach,andwhenhespokeagain,someofthehostilityhadlefthisvoice.“I’veaskedmyselfhowyouareabletodisobeywithsucheaseanddisregard.Ifeartheanswerisyouareacoddledgirlwhodoesnotunderstandherplaceintheworld,andthatispartlymyownfault.I’vedoneyouno
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favorswithmylenience.Myindulgencehasgivenyoutheideayoucantransgressaseriousboundarysuchasthisone.”
Feelingthechillofsomenewanddifferentterror,Idaredtospeak,andfeltmythroatclenchinthefamiliaroldway.Isqueezedmyeyesandforcedoutmythought.“.........I’msorry,Father......Imeantno
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harm.”“Noharm?”Hehadn’tnoticedthe
returnofmystammer.Hepacedaboutthestuffyroomandlecturedme,whileMr.Washingtongazedserenelyfromthemantel.“Youthinkthere’snodetrimentinaslavelearningtoread?Therearesadtruthsinourworld,andoneisthatslaveswhoreadareathreat.Theywouldbe
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abreastofnewsthatwouldincitetheminwayswecouldnotcontrol.Yes,it’sunfairtodeprivethem,butthere’sagreatergoodherethatmustbeprotected.”
“.........ButFather,it’swrong!”Icried.
“Areyousoimpudentastochallengemeevennow?Whenyouleftthedocumentonmydeskfreeingyourslavegirl,Ishouldhavebrought
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youtoyoursensesthenandthere,butIcossetedyou.Ithoughtbytearingthefoolthingintwoandreturningittoyou,youwouldunderstandweGrimkésdonotsubverttheinstitutionsandlawsbywhichwelive,evenifwedon’tagreewiththem.”
Ifeltconfusedandverystupid.Fatherhadtornupmymanumissionpaper.Father.
“Donotmistakeme,
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Sarah,Iwillprotectourwayoflife.Iwillnottolerateseditioninthisfamily!”
WhenI’despousedmyanti-slaveryviewsduringthosedinnertabledebates,Fatherbeamingandspurringmeon,I’dthoughtheprizedmyposition.I’dthoughthesharedmyposition,butithitmesuddenlythatI’dbeenthecollaredmonkeydancingtohismaster’saccordion.Father
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hadbeenamusinghimself.Orperhapshe’dencouragedmydissentingopiniononlybecauseitgavetherestofthemawaytosharpentheirownopposingviews.Perhapshe’dtoleratedmynotionsbecausethedebateshadbeenapityingoralexercisetohelpadefectivedaughterspeak?
Fathercrossedhisarmsoverhiswhiteshirtandstaredatmefrombeneaththe
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unclippedhedgeofhisbrows.Hiseyeswereclearandbrownandemptyofcompassion,andthat’swhenIfirstsawmyfatherashereallywas—amanwhovaluedprincipleoverlove.
“Youhavequiteliterallycommittedacrime,”hesaidandresumedhispacing,makingawide,sloworbitaroundme.“Iwillnotpunishyouaccordingly,butyou
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mustlearn,Sarah.”“Fromnowon,youare
deniedentrancetothisroom.Youshallnotcrossthisthresholdatanytime,dayornight.Youaredeniedallaccesstothebookshere,andtoanyotherbookswherevertheymightbe,exceptforthoseMadameRuffinhasallottedforyourstudies.”
Nobooks.God,please.Mylegsgavewaythen,andI
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wentontomyknees.Hekeptcircling.“You
willstudynothingbutMadame’sapprovedsubjects.NomoreLatinsessionswithThomas.Youwillnotwriteit,speakit,orcomposeitinyourhead.Doyouunderstand?”
Iliftedmyhands,palmsup,ashighasmyhead,moldingmyselfintotheshapeofasupplicant.
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“.........Father,Ibegyou...P-please,don’ttakebooksfromme...Ican’tbearit.”
“Youhavenoneedofbooks,Sarah.”
“......F-f-father!”Hestrodebacktohis
desk.“Itcausesmedistresstoseeyourmisery,Sarah,butit’sfaitaccompli.Trynottotakeitsohard.”
Fromthewindowcame
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therumbleofdraysandcarriages,thecriesofslavevendorsonthestreet—theoldwomanwiththebasketatopherheadwhosquawked,“RedROSEto-may-TOES.”Thedinofcommercewentonwithoutregard.Openingthelibrarydoor,IsawBinahhadwaited.Shetookmyhandandledmeupthestairstothedoorwayofmyroom.“Igetyousomebreakfastandbring
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ituphereonatray,”shesaid.Aftersheleft,Ipeered
beneaththebedwhereI’dkepttheslateboard,spellers,andprimer.Theyweregone.Thebooksonmydeskweregone,too.Myroomhadbeenscoured.
ItwasnotuntilBinahreturnedwiththetraythatIthoughttoask,“......Where’sHandful?”
“Oh,MissSarah,thatjust
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it.She’bouttogetherownpunishingoutback.”
Ihavenomemoryofmyfeetgrazingthestairs.
“Itjustonelash,”Binahcried,racingbehindme.“Onelash,missussay.Thatbeall.”
Iflungopenthebackdoor.Myeyesswepttheyard.Handful’sskinnyarmsweretiedtotheporchrailofthe
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kitchenhouse.Tenpacesbehindher,Tomfryheldastrapandstaredattheground.Charlottestoodinthewheelrutsthatcutfromthecarriagehousetothebackgate,whiletherestoftheslavesclusteredbeneaththeoak.
Tomfryraisedhisarm.“No!”Iscreamed.“Nooooo!”Heturnedtowardme,hesitating,andrelieffilledhisface.
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ThenIheardMother’scanetaptheglassontheupstairswindow,andTomfryliftedhistiredeyestowardthesound.HenoddedandbroughtthelashdownacrossHandful’sback.
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HandfulTomfrysaidhetriednottoputmuchforceinit,butthestrikeflayedopenmyskin.MissSarahmadeapoulticewithBalmofGileadbudssoakedinmasterGrimké’srum,andmaumahandedthewholeflasktomeandsaid,“Here,goon,drinkit,too.”I
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don’thardlyrememberthepain.
Thegashhealedfast,butMissSarah’shurtgotworseandworse.Hervoicehadgonebacktostallingandshepinedforherbooks.Thatwasonewretchedgirl.
It’dbeenLucywhorantattlingtoMissMaryaboutmyletteringunderthetree,andMissMaryhadruntattlingtomissus.I’djudged
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Lucytobestupid,butshewasonlyweak-willedandwantingtogetingoodwithMissMary.Ineverdidforgiveher,andIdon’tknowifMissSarahforgavehersister,causewhatcamefromallthatsnitchingturnedthetideonMissSarah’slife.Herstudyingwasoveranddone.
Myreadinglessonswereover,too.Ihadmyhundredwords,andIfiguredouta
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goodmanymorejustusingmywits.Nowandthen,IsaidmyABCsformaumaandreadwordstoheroffthepicturepagesshe’dtackedonherwall.
OnedayIwenttothecellarandmaumawasmakingababygownfrommuslinwithlilacbands.Shesawmyfaceandsaid,“That’sright,
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anotherGrimkécoming.Sometimethiswinter.Missusain’thappy’boutit.Iheardhertellmassa,that’sit,thisthelastone.”
Whenmaumafinishedhemmingthelittlegown,sheduginthegunnysackandpulledoutashortstackofcleanpaper,ahalffullinkwell,andaquillpen,andIknewshe’dstoleeveryoneofthesethings.Isaid,“Whyyou
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keepdoingthis?”“Ineedyoutowrite
something.Write,‘CharlotteGrimkéhaspermissionfortraveling.’Underthat,putthemonth,leaveofftheday,andsignMaryGrimkéwithsomecurlicue.”
“Firstoff,Idon’tknowhowtowriteCharlotte.Idon’tknowthewordpermissioneither.”
“Then,write,‘Thisslave
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isallowedfortravel.’”“Whatyougonnadowith
it?”Shesmiled,showingme
thegapinherfrontteeth.“Thisslavegontravel.Butdon’tworry,shealwayscomingback.”
“Whatyougonnadowhenawhitemanstopsyouandaskstoseeyourpassanditlookslikesomeeleven-year-oldwroteit?”
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“Thenyoubestwriteitlikeyouain’tsomeeleven-year-old.”
“Howyouplanongettingpastthewall?”
Shelookedupatthewindowneartheceiling.Itwasn’tbigasahatbox.Ididn’tseehowshecouldwrigglethroughit,butshewouldgreaseherselfwithgoosefatifthat’swhatittook.Iwroteherpasscause
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shewasbentonhelltohaveit.
Afterthat,leastoneortwoafternoonsaweek,shetookoff.Stayedgonefrommiddleoftheafternoontillpastdark.Wouldn’tsaywhereshewent.Wouldn’tsayhowshegotinandoutoftheyard.Iworkedoutherescapepathinmyhead,though.Outsideherwindow,itwasn’tbutacoupleoffeet
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betweenthehouseandthewall,andIfiguredonceshesqueezedthroughthewindow,shewouldpressherbackagainstthehouseandherfeetagainstthewallandshimmyupandover,droppingtothegroundontheotherside.
Course,shehadtofindanotherwaybackin.Myguesswasthebackgatewherethecarriagecameand
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went.Shenevercamebacktillitwasgoodanddark,soshecouldclimbitandnobodysee.Shealwaysmadeitbeforethedrumsbeatforcurfew.Ididn’twannathinkofherouttherehidingfromtheCityGuard.
Oneafternoon,whilemeandmaumawerefinishinguptheslaveclothesfortheyear,Ilaidoutmyreasoning,howshewentoutthewindowin
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daylightandcamebackoverthegateatdark.Shesaid,“Well,ain’tyousmart.”
Inthefarbackofmyhead,Icouldseeherwiththestraptiedonherankleandroundherneck,andIfilledupandstartedbegging.“Don’tdoitnomore.Please.Allright?Yougonnagetyourselfcaught.”
“Itellyouwhat,youcanhelpme—ifsomebodyhere
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findmemissing,yousitthepailnexttothecisternwhereIcanseeitfromthebackgate.Youdothatforme.”
Thisscaredmeworse.“Andifyouseeit,whatyougonnado—runoff?Justleaveme?”ThenIbrokedown.
Sherubbedmyshouldersthewayshealwayslikedtodo.“Handful,child.Iwouldsoondie’foreIleaveyou.Youknowthat.Ifthatpailsit
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bythecistern,thatjusthelpmeknowwhat’scoming,that’sall.”
Whentheirsocialseasonwasstartingoffagain,andmeandmaumacouldn’tkeepupwithallthegownsandfrocks,sheupandhiredherselfoutwithoutpermission.Ilearneditonedayafterthesuppermeal,whilewewerestanding
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inthemiddleoftheworkyard.MissSarahhadbeeninoneofherdespairsallday,andIthoughttheworstthingsIhadtofretoverwashowlowshegotandmaumaslippingoutthewindow.Butmauma,shepulledaslavebadgeoutfromherpocket.Ifsomeownerhiredhisslaveout,hehadtobuyabadgefromthecity,andIknewmasterGrimkéhadn’tbought
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anysuch.Havingafakebadgewasworsethanhavingmissus’greensilk.
Itookthebadgeandstudiedit.Itwasasmallsquareofcopperwithaholepokedthroughthetopsoyoucouldpinittoyourdress.Itwascarvedwithwords.IsoundedthemouttillitfinallycameclearwhatIwassaying.“Dome-stic...Do-mes-tic.Ser-vant.Domestic
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Servant!”Icried.“Number133.Year1805.Where’dyougetthis?”
“Well,Iain’tbeenouttheregroggingandlazingroundthiswholetime—Ibeenfindingworkformyself.”
“Butyougotmoreworkherethanwecanseeto.”
“AndIdon’tmakenothin’fromit,doI?”Shetookthebadgefrommeand
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droppeditbackinherpocket.“OneoftheRussellslaves
nameTomhashisownblacksmithshoponEastBay.MissusRusselllethimworkforhirealldayandshedon’ttakebutthree-quarterofwhathemake.Hemadethisbadgeforme,copieditoffarealone.”
Ihadthemindofaneleven-year-old,butIknewrightoffthisblacksmith
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wasn’tjustsomenicemandoingherafavor.Whywasheputtinghimselfindangertomakeafakebadgeforher?
Shesaid,“IgonbemakingbonnetsanddressesandquiltsforaladyonQueenStreet.MissusAllen.ItoldhermynamewasPearl,andIbelongtomassaDupréonthecornerofGeorgeandEastBay.Shesaytome,‘YoumeanthatFrench
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tailor?’Isay,‘Yessum,hecan’tfillmytimenomorewithwork,sohelettingmeoutforhire.’”
“Whatifshechecksonyourstory?”
“Sheanoldwidow,sheain’tgoncheck.Shejustsay,‘Showmeyourbadge.’
Maumawasproudofherbadgeandproudofherself.
“MissusAllensayshepaymebythegarment,and
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hertwodaughtersneedclothesandcoveringsfortheychildren.”
“Howyougonnagetallthisextraworkdone?”
“Igotyou.Igotallthehoursofthenight.”
Maumaburnedsomanycandlesworkinginthedark,shetooktoswipingthemfromwhateverroomshehappenedon.Hereyesgrewdowntosquintsandtheskin
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roundthemwrinkledlikedrawingastraightstitch.Shewastiredandfrayedbutsheseemedbetteroffinside.
Shebroughthomemoneyandstuffeditinsidethegunnysack,andIhelpedhersewdayandnight,anytimeIdidn’thavedutiesdrawingMissSarah’sbaths,cleaningherroom,keepingupwithherclothesandherprivypot.Whenwegotthewidow’s
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ordersdone,maumawouldsquirmoutthewindowandcarrytheparcelstoherdoorwhereshegotmorefabricforthenextbatch.Thenshewouldwaittilldarkandsneakoverthebackgate.Allthisdangerousbusinessgotnaturalasthedaywaslong.
OneafternoonduringarealwarmspellinJanuary,missus
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sentCindietothebasementtofetchmauma,somethingaboutrosettesfallingoffhernewempirewaistdress,andcourse,maumawasgoneoverthewall.Shedidn’tlockthedoorwhileshewasoutcausesheknewmissuswouldhavePrincesawthedooroffitshingesifshedidn’tanswer,andhowwasshegonnaexplainanemptyroombehindalockeddoor?
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Newsofamissingslaveflieslikebrushfire.WhenIheardthenews,myheartdroppedtomyknees.Missususedherbellandgatheredeverybodyintheyard,upnearthebackdoor.Shelaidherhandsontopofherbigpregnantbellyandsaid,“IfyouknowCharlotte’swhereabouts,youaredutyboundtotellme.”
Notapeepfromanybody.
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Missuscasthereyesonme.“Hetty?Whereisyourmother?”
Ishruggedandactedstumped.“Idon’tknow,missus.WishIdidknow.”
MissustoldTomfrytosearchthekitchenhouse,laundry,carriagehouse,stable,storageshed,privy,andslaverooms.Shesaidcombeverynookintheyard,lookdownthechutewhere
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Princesenthayfromthelofttothehorses’trough.Ifthatdidn’tturnupmauma,shesaidTomfrywouldgothroughthehouse,thepiazza,andtheornamentgarden,toptobottom.
Sherangherbell,whichmeantgobacktowork.Ihurriedtomauma’sroomtocheckthegunnysack.Allhermoneywasstillatthebottomunderthestuffing.ThenI
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creptbackoutsideandsetthepailnexttothecistern.Thesunwascomingdownthesky,turningitthecolorofapricots.
WhileTomfrydidhissearchinghighandlow,Itookupmyspotinthefrontalcoveonthesecondfloortowait.Atthefirstshadeofdark,lo-to-behold,Ilookeddownthroughthewindowandtherewasmaumaturning
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thecorner.Shemarchedstraighttothefrontdoorandknocked.
ItoredownthestairsandgottothedoorthesametimeasTomfry.
Whenheopenedit,maumasaid,“Igongiveyouhalfofadollarifyougetmebackintheresafe.Youoweme,Tomfry.”
Hesteppedoutontothelanding,mebesidehim,and
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closedthedoor.Ithrewmyarmsroundmauma.Shesaidtohim,“Quicknow,whatitgonbe?”
“Theyain’tnowheretoputyou,”hesaid.“Missushadmesearcheverycorner.”
“Nottherooftop,”Isaid.Tomfrymadethecoast
clear,andIledmaumatotheatticandshowedhertheladderandthehatch.Isaid,“Whentheycome,yousayit
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wassowarmyoucameoutheretoseetheharborandlaydownandfellasleep.”
Meantime,Tomfrywentandexplainedtomissushowheforgotabouttherooftopwhenhewassearching,howheknewforafactCharlottehadbeenupthereonetimebefore.
Missuswaitedatthefootoftheatticstepswithhercane,huffingfromclimbing
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thestairs,bigasshewas.Ilurkedbehindher.Iwastremblingwithnerves.
Maumacamedowntheladder,shivering,tellingthiscockamamiestoryI’dcomeupwith.Missussaid,“Ididnotthinkyouwereasnaturallydumbastherest,Charlotte,butyouhaveprovedmewrong.Tofallasleepontheroof!Youcouldhaverolledoffontothestreet.
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Theroof!Youmustknowsuchaplaceiscompletelyoff-limits.”
Sheraisedhercaneandbroughtitdowncrossthebackofmauma’shead.“Seeyourselftoyourroom,andtomorrowmorningafterdevotions,youaretosewtherosettesbackonmynewdress.Yoursloppinesswiththeneedlehasonlyworsened.”
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“Yessum,”maumasaid,hurryingtothestairs,wavingmeinfrontofher.Ifmissusnoticedhowmaumadidn’thavehercaneorherlimp,shedidn’tsayso.
Whenwereachedthecellar,maumashutthedoorandthrewthelock.Iwaswinded,butmauma’sbreathwassteady.Sherubbedthebackofherhead.Shesetherjaw.Shesaid,“Iisa
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’markablewoman,andyouisa’markablegirl,andweain’tnevergonbowandscrapetothatwoman.”
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SarahTheideaofanewsiblingdidn’tstrikemeashappynews.Shutawayinmyroom,Iabsorbeditwithgrimresignation.Whenpregnant,Mother’smoodbecameevenfouler,andwhoamonguswouldwelcomethat?MyrealdismaycamewhenItook
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paperandpenandworkedoutthearithmetic:Motherhadspenttenofthelasttwentyyearspregnant.Forpitysake!
Soontobetwelve,Iwasonthecuspofmaidenhood,andIwantedtomarry—truly,Idid—butsuchnumberspetrifiedme.Coming,astheydid,sosoonaftermybooksbeingtakenaway,quitesouredmeonthefemalelife.
SinceFather’sdressing-
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down,Ihadn’tleftthefourwallsofmyroomexceptformeals,MadameRuffin’sclassthreemorningsaweek,andchurchonSunday.Handfulkeptmecompany,askingquestionstowhichshedidn’tcaretoknowtheanswer,askingonlytoanimateme.Shewatchedmemakefeebleattemptsatembroideryandwritestoriesaboutagirlabandonedtoan
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islandinthemannerofRobinsonCrusoe.Motherorderedmetosnapfrommyinwardnessandmisery,andIdidtry,butmydespaironlygrew.
Mothersummonedourphysician,Dr.Geddings,whoaftermuchprobingdecidedIsufferedfromseveremelancholy.IlistenedatthedoorashetoldMotherhe’dneverwitnessedacasein
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someonesoyoung,thatthiskindoflunacyoccurredinwomenafterchildbirthoratthewithdrawalofawoman’smenses.Hedeclaredmeahigh-strung,temperamentalgirlwithpredilectionstohysteria,asevidencedbymyspeech.
ShortlyafterChristmas,IpassedThomas’doorandglimpsedhistrunkopenonthefloor.Icouldn’tbearhis
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leaving,butitwasworseknowinghewasgoingofftoNewHaventopursueadreamImyselfhad,butwouldneverrealize.Consumedwithenvyforhisdazzlingfuture,IfledtomyroomwhereIsobbedoutmygrief.Itgushedfrommeinblackwaves,andasitdid,mydespondencyseemedtoreachitsextremity,itsfartherlimit,passingoverintowhatIcan
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onlynowcallananguishedhope.
Allthingspassintheend,eventheworstmelancholy.Iopenedmydresserandpulledoutthelavaboxthatheldmybutton.Myeyesglazedatthesightofit,andthistimeIfeltmyspiritriseuptomeetmywill.Iwouldnotgiveup.Iwoulderronthesideofaudacity.ThatwaswhatI’dalwaysdone.
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MyaudaciouserringoccurredatThomas’farewellparty,whichtookplaceinthesecond-floorwithdrawingroomonTwelfthNight.Duringthepastweek,I’dcaughtFathersmilingatmeacrossthediningtable,andI’dinterpretedhisChristmasgift—aprintofApolloandtheMuses—asanofferingofloveandtheendofhis
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censure.Tonight,heconversedwithThomas,Frederick,andJohn,whowashomefromYale,alloftheminblackwoolentopcoatsandstripedvestsofvariouscolors,Father’sflaxen.SeatedwithMaryatthePembroketable,Iwatchedthemandwishedtoknowwhattheydebated.AnnaandEliza,who’dbeenallowedatthefestivities,satontherug
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beforethefirescreen,clutchingtheirChristmasdolls,whileBenpittedhisnewwoodensoldiersinbattle,shouting“Charge!”everyfewseconds.
MotherreclinedagainsttheredvelvetofherrosewoodRécamier,whichhadbeenbroughtupfromherbedroom.I’dobservedfiveofMother’sgestations,andclearlythiswashermost
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difficult.She’denlargedtomammothproportions.Evenherpoorfaceappearedbloated.Nevertheless,she’dcreatedanelaboratefete.Theroomblazedwithcandlesandlamplight,whichreflectedoffmirrorsandgiltsurfaces,andthetableswerelaidwithwhitelinenclothsandgoldbrocaderunnersinkeepingwiththecolorsoftheEpiphany.Tomfry,Snow,
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andEliserved,wearingtheirdarkgreenlivery,haulingintraysofcrabpies,butteredshrimps,veal,friedwhiting,andomeletsoufflé.
Myprodigalappetitehadreturned,andIoccupiedmyselfwitheatingandlisteningtothewhirrofbassvoicesacrosstheroom.TheyconversedaboutthereelectionofMr.Jefferson,whetherMr.Meriwether
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LewisandMr.WilliamClarkhadanychanceofreachingthePacificcoast,andmosttantalizing,whattheabolitionofslaveryintheNorthernstates,mostrecentlyinNewJersey,bodedfortheSouth.Abolitionbylaw?I’dneverheardofitandcranedtogeteverysnippet.DidthoseintheNorth,then,believeGodtobesidedagainstslavery?
Wefinishedthemealwith
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Thomas’favoritesweet,macaroonswithalmondice,afterwhichFathertappedaspoonagainsthiscrystalgobletandsilencedtheroom.HewishedThomaswellandpresentedhimwithAnAbridgementofLocke’sEssayConcerningHumanUnderstanding.MotherhadallowedMaryandmetoeachhavehalfafluteofwine,myinauguraltaste,andIgazedat
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thebookinThomas’handwithadownyfeelingbetweenmyears.
“WhowillsendThomasoffwithatribute?”Fathersaid,scanningthefacesofhissons.FirstbornJohntuggedonthehemofhisvest,butitwasI,thesixth-bornchildandseconddaughter,wholeapttomyfeetandmadeaspeech.
“......Thomas,dear
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brother,Ishallmissyou......IwishyouGod’sspeedwithyourstudies...”Ipausedandfeltanupwellingofcourage.“OnedayIintendtofollowinyourfootsteps......Tobecomeajurist.”
WhenFatherfoundhistongue,histonewasfullofamusement.“Didmyearsdeceive?Didyousayyouwouldfollowyourbrotherto
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thebar?”Johntwittered,andFredricklaughedoutright.Fatherlookedatthemandsmiled,continuing,“Aretherefemalejuristsnow?Ifso,littleone,doenlightenus.”
Theirhilarityburstforth,andIsawThomas,too,waslaughing.
Itriedtoanswer,notfullycomprehendingthedepthoftheirderision,thathis
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questionwasforthebenefitofmybrothersalone.
“......WoulditnotbeagreataccomplishmentifIshouldbethefirst?”
Atthat,Father’sfunturnedintoannoyance.“Therewillbenofirst,Sarah,andifsuchapreposterousthingdidoccur,itwillbenodaughterofmine.”
Still,Iwentonstupidly,blindly.“......Father,I
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wouldmakeyouproud.Iwoulddoanything.”
“Sarah,stopthisnonsense!Youshameyourself.Youshameusall.Wheredidyouevergetthenotionyoucouldstudythelaw?”
Ifoughttostandthere,toholdontowhatfeltlikesomelastdoggedpieceofmyself.“......YousaidIwouldbethegreatestjurist—”
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“Isaidifyouwereaboy!”
MyeyesflittedtoAnnaandEliza,whogazedupatme,andthentoMary,whowouldnotmeetthem.
IturnedtoThomas.“......Please......doyouremember...yousaidIshouldbethejurist?”
“Sarah,I’msorry,butFatherisright.”
Hiswordsfinishedme.
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Fathermadeagesturewithhishand,dismissingthematter,andthebandofthemturnedfrommeandresumedtheirconversation.IheardMothersaymynameinaquietway.Shenolongerreclined,butsatupright,herfacebearingacommiseratelook.“Youmaygotoyourroom,”shesaid.
Islinkedawaylikesomescraped-outsoul.Onthefloor
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besidemydoor,Handfulwascoiledintoherredsquaresandblacktriangles.Shesaid,“Iputonyourlampandstokedthefire.Youneedmetohelpwithyourdress?”
“...No,staywhereyouare.”Mywordssoundedflatwithhurt.
Shestudiedme,uncertain.“Whathappened,MissSarah?”
Unabletoanswer,I
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enteredmyroomandclosedthedoor.Isatonthedresserstool.Ifeltstrangeandhollow,unabletocry,unabletofeelanythingbutanempty,extinguishedplaceinthepitofmystomach.
Theknockatmydoormomentslaterwaslight,andthinkingitwasHandful,Igatheredthelastcrumbsofmyenergyandcalledout,“...Ihavenoneedofyou.”
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Motherentered,swayingwithherweight.“Itooknojoyinseeingyourhopesquashed,”shesaid.“Yourfatherandbrotherswerecruel,butIbelievetheirmockerywasinequalportiontotheirastonishment.Alawyer,Sarah?TheideaissooutlandishIfeelIhavefailedyoubitterly.”
Sheplacedherpalmonthesideofherbellyand
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closedhereyesasifwardingoffthethrustofanelboworfoot.Thegentlenessinhervoice,herverypresenceinmyroomrevealedhowdistressedshewasforme,andyetsheseemedtosuggesttheirunkindnesswasjustified.
“Yourfatherbelievesyouareananomalousgirlwithyourcravingforbooksandyouraspirations,buthe’s
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wrong.”Ilookedatherwith
surprise.Thehauteurhadlefther.TherewasalamentinherI’dneverseenbefore.“Everygirlcomesintotheworldwithvaryingdegreesofambition,”shesaid,“evenifit’sonlythehopeofnotbelongingbodyandsoultoherhusband.Iwasagirlonce,believeitornot.”
Sheseemedastranger,a
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womanwithoutallthewoundsandarmaturetheyearsbring,butthenshewenton,anditwasMotheragain.“Thetruth,”shesaid,“isthateverygirlmusthaveambitionknockedoutofherforherowngood.Youareunusualonlyinyourdeterminationtofightwhatisinevitable.Youresistedandsoitcametothis,tobeingbrokenlikeahorse.”
Shebentandputherarms
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aroundme.“Sarahdarling,you’vefoughtharderthanIimagined,butyoumustgiveyourselfovertoyourdutyandyourfateandmakewhateverhappinessyoucan.”O
Ifeltthepuffyskinofhercheek,andIwantedbothtoclingtoherandshoveheraway.Iwatchedhergo,noticingshehadn’tclosedthedoorwhenshe’dentered.
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Handfulwould’veheardeverything.Thethoughtcomfortedme.There’snopainonearththatdoesn’tcraveabenevolentwitness.
AsHandfulappeared,regardingmewithherlarge,soulfuleyes,Itookthelavaboxfrommydresser,removedthesilverbutton,anddroppeditintotheashbinbythefire,whereitdisappearedbeneaththegray
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andwhitesoot.
Thefollowingday,thewithdrawingroomwasclearedformother’slying-in.She’dbirthedherlastsixchildrenthere,surroundedbyBinah,Aunt-Sister,Dr.Geddings,ahiredwetnurse,andtwofemalecousins.Itseemedunlikelyshewouldgrantmeavisit,butaweek
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beforeherlaborbegan,sheallowedmeintoseeher.
ItwasafrostymorninginFebruary.Theskywasbunchedwithwinterclouds,andthefireplacesthroughoutthehousecrackledandhissed.Inthewithdrawingroom,thefireprovidedtheonlylight.Mother,whowasaweekfromherfortiethbirthday,wassprawledonherRécamier,lookingperfectly
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miserable.“Ihopeyouhaveno
troubletospeakof,forIhavenostrengthtodealwithit,”shesaidthroughswollenlips.
“......Ihavearequest.”Sheraisedherselfslightly
andreachedforhercupontheteatable.“Wellthen,whatisit?Whatisthisrequestthatcannotwait?”
I’dcomepreparedwithaspeech,feelingresolute,but
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nowmyheadswamwithanxiety.IclosedmyeyesandwonderedhowIcouldmakeherunderstand.
“......I’mafraidyou’llrefusemewithoutthought.”
“Forheaven’ssake,whyshouldIdothat?”
“......Becausemywishisoutoftheordinary......Iwishtobegodmothertothenewbaby.”
“Well,you’recorrect—
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it’soutoftheordinary.It’salsooutofthequestion.”
I’dexpectedthis.Ikneltbesideher.“......Mother,ifIhavetobeg,Iwill...I’velosteverythingprecioustome.WhatIthoughttobethepurposeofmylife,myhopeforaneducation,books,Thomas...EvenFatherseemslosttomenow...Don’tdenymethis,please.”
“ButSarah,thebaby’s
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godmother?Ofallthings.It’snotsomefrippery.Thereligiouswelfareofthechildwouldbeinyourhands.You’retwelve.Whatwouldpeoplesay?”
“...I’llmakethechildthepurposeofmylife...YousaidImustgiveupambition...Surelytheloveandcareofachildissomethingyoucansanction...Please,ifyou
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loveme—”Loweringmyheadtoherlap,IcriedthetearsI’dnotbeenabletocrythenightofThomas’farewellorsince.
Herhandcuppedthebackofmyhead,andwhenIfinallycomposedmyself,Isawthathereyesweremoist.“Allrightthen.You’llbethebaby’sgodmother,butseetoityoudonotfailhim.”Ikissedherhandandslipped
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fromtheroom,feeling,oddly,thatI’dreclaimedalostpartofmyself.
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HandfulItwinedredthreadroundthetrunkofthespreadingtreetilleverylastbithadcomeoffthespool.Maumawatched.Itwasallmeandmyideatomakeusaspirittreelikehermaumahadmade,andIcouldtellshewasjusthumoring.Sheclutchedherelbowsand
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blewfogwithherbreath.Shesaid,“You’boutgotit?It’scoldasthebluemoonouthere.”
ItwascoldasCharlestoncouldget.Sleetonthewindows,blanketsonthehorses,SabeandPrincechoppingfirewooddaylighttodark.Igavemaumaalookandspreadmyred-and-blackquiltontheground.Itmadeabrightspotlayingunderthe
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barelimbs.Isaid,“First,wegotto
kneelonthisandgiveourspiritstothetree.Iwantustodoitthewayyousaidgranny-maumadid.”
Shesaid,“Awright,let’sdoitthen.”
Wedroppedonourkneesandstaredatthetreetrunkwithourcoatsleevestouching.Thegroundwashard-caked,coveredwith
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acorns,andthecoldseepedthroughthesquaresandtriangles.Aquietnesscamedownonus,andIclosedmyeyes.Insidemycoatpocket,myfingertipsstrokedMissSarah’ssilverbutton.Itfeltlikealumpofice.I’dpluckeditfromtheashcanaftershecastitoff.Ifeltbadshehadtogiveupherplan,butthatdidn’tmeanyouthrowoutaperfectgoodbutton.
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Maumashiftedherkneesonthequilt.Shewantedtomakethespirittreequick,andIwantedtomaketheminuteslast.
Isaid,“Tellitagainhowyouandgranny-maumadidit.”
“Awright.Whatwedidwasgetdownlikethisonthequiltandshesay,‘Nowweputtingourspiritsinthetreesotheysafefromharm,so
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theylivewiththebirds,learningtofly.’Thenwejustgiveourspiritstoit.”
“Didyoufeelitwhenithappened?”
Shepulledherheadscarfoverhercoldearsandtriedtobottleuphersmile.Shesaid,“LetmeseeifIcanremember.Yeah,Ifeltmyspiritleavefromrighthere.”Shetouchedthebonebetweenherbreasts.“Itleave
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likealittledraftofwind,andIlookupatabranchandIdon’tseeit,butIknowmyspirit’suptherewatchingme.”
Shewasmakingallthisup.Itdidn’tmattercauseIdidn’tseewhyitcouldn’thappenthatwaynow.
Icalledout,“Igivemyspirittothetree.”
Maumacalledoutthesameway.Thenshesaid,
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“Afteryourgranny-maumamakeourspirittree,shesay,‘Ifyouleavethisplace,yougogetyourspiritandtakeitwithyou.’Thenshepickupacorns,twigs,andleavesandmakepouchesfor’em,andwewear’emroundourneck.”
Someandmaumapickedupacornsandtwigsandyellowcrumblesofleaves.Thewholetime,Ithought
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aboutthedaymissusgavemeasapresenttoMissSarah,howmaumatoldme,Itgonbehardfromhereon,Handful.
Sincethatdayayearpast,I’dgotmyselfafriendinMissSarahandfoundhowtoreadandwrite,butit’dbeenaheartlessroadlikemaumasaid,andIdidn’tknowwhatwouldcomeofus.Wemightstayheretherestofourlives
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withtheskyslammedshut,butmaumahadfoundthepartofherselfthatrefusedtobowandscrape,andonceyoufindthat,yougottroublebreathingonyourneck.O
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PARTTWOFebruary1811–December1812
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SarahSittingbeforethemirrorinmyroom,IstaredatmyfacewhileHandfulandsix-year-oldNinawovemyponytailintobraidswiththeaimofloopingthemintoacircletatthenapeofmyneck.EarlierI’drubbedmyfacewithsaltandlemon-vinegar,which
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wasMother’sformulaforremovinginkspots.Ithadlightenedmyfreckles,butnoterasedthem,andIreachedforthepowdermufftofinishthemoff.
ItwasFebruary,theheightofCharleston’ssocialseason,andallweek,astreamofcallingcardsandinvitationshadcollectedonthewaitingdeskbesidethefrontdoor.Fromthem
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Motherhadchosenthemostelegantandopportuneaffairs.Tonight,awaltzingparty.
I’denteredsocietytwoyearsago,atsixteen,thrustintothelavishroundofballs,teas,musicalsalons,horseraces,andpicnics,which,accordingtoMother,meantthedazzlingdoorsofCharlestonhadflungopenandfemalelifecouldbegininearnest.Inotherwords,I
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couldtakeupthebusinessofprocuringahusband.Howhighbornandmoneyedthishusbandturnedouttobewoulddependentirelyontheallureofmyface,thedelicacyofmyphysique,theskillofmyseamstress,andthecharismaofmytête-à-tête.Notwithstandingmyseamstress,Iarrivedattheglitteryentrancelikealambtoslaughter.O
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“Lookatthismessyou’vegoneandmade,”HandfulsaidtoNina,who’dtangledthelockofhairassignedtoherintowhatwecommonlyreferredtoasarat’snest.Handfulrakedthebrushthroughitatnosmallexpensetomyscalp,thendividedthestrandsintothreeevenpieces,andpronouncedtwoofthemtoberabbitsandoneofthemalog.Nina,who’dgoneinto
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apoutathavingherbraidconfiscated,perkedupattheprospectofagame.
“Watchnow,”Handfultoldher.“Thisrabbitgoesunderthelog,andthisrabbitgoesoverthelog.Youmakethemhoplikethatallthewaydown.See,that’showyoumakeaplait—hopover,hopunder.”
Ninatookpossessionoftherabbitsandthelogand
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createdaremarkablypassablebraid.HandfulandIoohedandahhedasifshe’dcarvedaFlorentinestatue.
Itwasawintereveninglikesomanyothersthatpassedinquietpredictability:theroomflushedwithlamplight,afirenestingonthegrate,anearlydarkflatteningagainstthewindows,whilemytwocompanionsfussedoverme
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atthedresser.Mysisterandgodchild,
Angelina—Ninaforshort—alreadyboretheovalfaceandgracefulfeatureswithwhichouroldersisterMaryhadbeenblessed.HereyeswerebrownandherhairandlashesdarkasthelittlestoneboxinwhichI’doncekeptmybutton.MypreciousNinawasstrikinglybeautiful.Betteryet,shehadalivelyintellect
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andshowedsignsofbeingquitefearless.Shebelievedshecoulddoanything,aconditionItookpainstofosterdespitethedisasterthathadcomefrommyownfearlessbelieving.
MyaspirationtobecomeajuristhadbeenlaidtorestintheGraveyardofFailedHopes,anall-femaleestablishment.OThesorrowofithadfaded,butregret
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remained,andI’dtakentowonderingiftheFatesmightbekindertoadifferentgirl.Throughoutmychildhood,aframedsketchoftheThreeFateshadhungprominentlyatthetopofthestairs,wheretheywentabouttheirbusinessofspinning,measuring,andcuttingthethreadoflife,allthewhilekeepinganeyeonmycomingsandgoings.Iwas
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convincedoftheirpersonalanimositytowardme,butthatdidn’tmeantheywouldtreatmysister’sthreadthesameway.
I’dvowedtoMotherthatNinawouldbecomethepurposeofmylife,andsoshewas.Inher,Ihadavoicethatdidn’tstammerandaheartthatwasunscathed.It’strueIlivedaportionofmylifethroughhers,andyes,I
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blurredthelinesofselfforbothofus,buttherewasnoonewholovedNinamorethanIdid.Shebecamemysalvation,andIwanttothinkIbecamehers.
She’dcalledmeMotherfromthetimeshecouldtalk.Itcamenaturally,andIdidn’tdiscourageit,butIdidhavethegoodsensetokeepherfromdoingitinfrontofMother.FromthedaysNina
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wasinhercrib,I’dproselytizedherabouttheevilsofslavery.I’dtaughthereverythingIknewandbelieved,andthoughMothermusthavehadsomeideaIwasmoldingherinmyownimage,shehadnoideatowhatextent.
Withherbraidcomplete,Ninaclimbedintomylapandbeganherusualpleading.“Don’tgo!Staywithme.”
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“Oh,Ihaveto,youknowthat.Binahwilltuckyouin.”Nina’slipflutedout,andIadded,“Ifyoudon’twhine,I’llletyoupickoutthedressIwear.”
Shefairlyleaptfrommykneestothewardrobe,whereshechosethemostluxuriantcostumeIhad,amaroonvelvetgownwiththreesatinchevronsdownthefront,eachwithanagraffeofchipped
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diamonds.ItwasHandful’sownmagnificentcreation.Atseventeen,shewasaprodigywiththeneedle,evenmoresothanhermother.Shenowsewedmostofmyattire.
AsHandfulstretchedontiptoetoretrievethedress,Inoticedhowundevelopedshewas—herbodylitheandskinnyasaboy’s.Shedidn’treachfivefeetandneverwould.Butassmallasshe
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was,itwasstillhereyesthatdrewattention.I’donceheardafriendofThomas’refertoherasthepretty,yellow-eyedNegress.
Weweren’tascloseaswe’dbeenasgirls.PerhapsitwasduetomyabsorptionwithNina,ortoHandful’sextradutiesastheapprenticeseamstress,ormaybewe’dsimplyreachedanagewhenourpathsnaturallybeganto
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diverge.Butwewerefriends,Itoldmyself.
Asshepassedthefireplacewiththedressinherarms,Inoticedthefrownthatseemedpermanentlyetchedinherfeatures,asifbynarrowingherenormouseyesshefeltlessoftheworldcouldreachher.Itseemedshe’dbeguntofeeltheboundariesofherlifemorekeenly,thatshe’darrivedat
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somemomentofreckoning.Thepastweek,Motherhaddeniedherapasstothemarketforsomeminor,forgettablereason,andshe’dtakenithard.Hermarketexcursionsweretheacmeofherdays,andtryingtocommiserate,I’dsaid,“I’msorry,Handful,Iknowhowyoumustfeel.”
ItseemedtomeIdidknowwhatitfelttohave
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one’slibertycurtailed,butsheblazedupatme.“Sowejustthesame,meandyou?That’swhyyoutheonetoshitinthepotandI’mtheonetoemptyit?”
Herwordsstunnedme,andIturnedtowardthewindowtohidemyhurt.Iheardherbreathinginfurybeforeshefledtheroom,nottoreturntherestoftheday.Wehadn’tspokenofitagain.
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Shehelpedmenowstepintothegownandslideitovermycorset,whichI’dlacedaslooselyaspossible.Iwasofaveragebuild,anddidn’tthinkitnecessarytoobstructmybreathing.Afterfasteningmein,Handfulpinnedablackmantillaofpoult-de-soietothecrownofmyheadandNinahandedmemyblacklacefan.Flickingitopen,Iswannedaboutthe
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roomforthem.Motherenteredatthe
momentIpirouetted,tramplingonmyhemlineandpitchingforward—thepictureofgrace.“IhopeyoucanrefrainfromthiskindofclumsinessatMrs.Alston’s,”shesaid.
Shestood,buttressedbyhercane.Atforty-six,hershoulderswerealreadyroundingintoanoldlady’s
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stoop.She’dbeenwarningmeofthetravailofspinsterhoodforayearnow,elaboratingonthesad,maidenlifeofherauntAmeliaJane.Shelikenedhertoashriveledflowerpressedbetweenthepagesofaforgottenbook,asifthismightscaresomepoiseandbeautyintome.IfearedthatMotherwasabouttoembarkagainonheraunt’sdesiccated
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existence,butsheasked,“Didn’tyouwearthisgownonlytwonightsago?”
“Idid,but—”Ilookedatmybabysisterperchedonthedresserstool,andgaveherasmile.“Ninachoseit.”
“It’simprudenttowearitagainsosoon.”Motherseemedtobespeakingsolelytoherself,andItooktheopportunitytoignoreher.
HergazefellonAngelina,
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herlastchild.Shemadeasummoninggesture,herhandscoopingattheairforseveralsecondsbeforeshespoke.“Comealong,Iwillseeyoutothenursery.”
Ninadidn’tmove.Hereyesturnedtome,asifIwerethehigherauthorityandmightoverridethecommand.ItwasnotlostonMother.“Angelina!Isaidcome.Now!”
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IfI’dbeenathorninMother’sside,Angelinawouldbethewholebriarpatch.Sheshookherhead,aswellashershoulders.Herentireframeoscillateddefiantlyonthestool,andknowingverywellwhatshewasdoing,sheannounced,“IwanttostayherewithMother!”
IbracedforMother’soutburst,butitdidn’tcome.
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Shepushedherfingersintohertemples,movedtheminacircle,andmadeasoundthatwaspartgroan,partsigh,partaccusation.“I’vebeenseizedbyamaliciousheadache,”shesaid.“Hetty,fetchCindietomychamber.”
Witharollofhereyes,Handfulobeyed,andMotherdepartedafterher,thedulltapofhercanerecedingalongthecorridor.
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IkneltbeforeNina,sinkingdownintomyskirt,whichbillowedoutinsuchawayImusthaveappearedlikeastameninsomemonstrousredbloom.“HowoftenhaveItoldyou?Youmustn’tcallmeMotherunlesswe’realone.”
Nina’schintrembledvisibly.“Butyou’remymother.”Ilethercryintothevelvetofmydress.“Youare,
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youare,youare.”
TheupstairsdrawingroominMrs.Alston’shouseonKingStreetwaslittoanexcessivebrightnessbyacrystalchandelierthatblazedlikeasmallinfernofromtheceiling.Beneathit,aseaofpeopledancedtheschottische,theirlaughterdrowningouttheviolins.
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MydanceprogramwasbareexceptforThomas,who’dwritteninhisnamefortwosetsofthequadrille.He’dbeenadmittedtothebartheyearbeforeandopenedapracticewithMr.LangdonCheves,amanIcouldn’thelpbutfeelhadtakenmyplace,justasI’dtakenMother’s.ThomashadwrittentomefromYale,remorsefulforridiculingmyambitiononthe
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nightofhisfarewell,buthewouldn’tbudgefromhisposition.We’dmadepeace,nevertheless,andinmanywayshewasstillademi-godtome.Ilookedabouttheroomforhim,knowinghewouldbeattachedtoSallyDrayton,whomhewassoontomarry.Attheirengagementparty,FatherhaddeclaredthatamarriagebetweenaGrimkéandaDraytonwould
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bringforth“anewCharlestondynasty.”IthadirkedMary,who’denteredintoasuitableengagement,herself,butonewithoutanyregalconnotations.
MadameRuffinhadsuggestedIusemyfantoadvantage,concealingmy“strongjawandruddycheeks,”andIdidsoobsessivelyoutofself-consciousness.Positioning
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thefanoverthelowerhalfofmyface,Ipeeredoveritsscallopededge.IknewmanyoftheyoungwomenfromMadameRuffin’sclasses,St.Philip’s,ortheprevioussocialseason,butIcouldn’tclaimafriendshipwithanyofthem.Theywerepoliteenoughtome,butIwasneverallowedintothewarmthoftheirsecretsandgossip.Ithinkmystammermadethem
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uneasy.That,andtheawkwardnessIseemedtofeelintheirpresence.Theywerewearinganewstyleofhead-turbanthesizeofsetteecushionsmadefromheavybrocadesandstuddedwithpins,pearls,andlittlepalettesonwhichthefaceofournewpresident,Mr.Madison,waspainted,andtheirpoorheadsappearedtowobbleontheirnecks.Ithoughttheylooked
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silly,butthebeauxswarmedaboutthem.
Nightafternight,Ienduredthesegrandaffairsalone,revoltedbywhatobjetsd’artwewereandcontemptuousofhowhollowsocietyhadturnedouttobe,andyetinexplicably,Iwasfilledwithayearningtobeoneofthem.
Theslavesmovedamonguswithtraysofcustardand
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Huguenottortes,holdingdoors,takingcoats,stokingfires,movingwithoutbeingseen,andIthoughthowodditwasthatnooneeverspokeofthem,howthewordslaverywasnotsuitableinpolitecompany,butreferredtoasthepeculiarinstitution.
Turningabruptlytoleavetheroom,IplowedheadlongintoamaleslavecarryingacrystalpitcherofDragoon
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punch.Itcreatedamagnificentexplosionoftea,whiskey,rum,cherries,orangeslices,lemonwedges,andshardsofglass.Theyspilledacrosstherug,ontotheslave’sfrockcoat,thefrontofmyskirt,andthetrousersofatallyoungmanwhowaspassingbyatthemomentofthecollision.
Inthosefirstsecondsofshock,theyoungmanheld
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mygaze,andIreflexivelyliftedmyhandtomychinasiftocoveritwithmyfan,thenrealizedI’ddroppedmyfaninthecommotion.Hesmiledatmeassoundrushedbackintotheroom,gaspsandthincriesofalarm.Hiscomposurecalmedme,andIsmiledback,noticinghehadatinypolypoforangepulponhischeek.
Mrs.Alstonappearedina
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swishing,silver-graydress,herheadbareexceptforasmalljeweledheadbandacrosshercurlingbangs.Withaplomb,sheinquiredifanyonehadsufferedinjury.Shedismissedthepetrifiedslavewithherhandandsummonedanothertocleanthewreckage,allthewhilelaughingsoftlytoputeveryoneatease.
BeforeIcouldmakean
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apology,theyoungmanspokeloudly,addressingtheroom.“Ibegyourforgiveness.IfearIamanawkwardlout.”
“Butitwasnotyou—”Ibegan.
Hecutmeoff.“Thefaultiscompletelymine.”
“Iinsistyouthinknomoreofit,”Mrs.Alstonsaid.“Come,bothofyou,andwe’llgetyoudriedoff.”She
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escortedustoherownchamberandleftusinthecareofhermaid,whodabbedatmydresswithatowel.Theyoungmanwaited,andwithoutthinking,Ireachedoutandbrushedthepulpfromhischeek.Itwasovertlyforwardofme,butIwouldn’tconsiderthatuntillater.
“Wemakeadrownedpair,”hesaid.“MayIintroducemyself?I’mBurke
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Williams.”“SarahGrimké.”Theonlygentleman
who’devershowninterestinmewasanunattractivefellowwithabulgingforeheadandraisineyes.AmemberoftheJockeyClub,he’descortedmeabouttheNewMarketCourseattheculminationofRaceWeeklastyear,andafterwarddepositedmeintheladies’standtowatchthe
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horsesonmyown.Ineversawhimagain.
Mr.Williamstookthetowelandblottedhispants,thenaskedifIwouldlikesomeair.Inodded,dazedthathe’dasked.Hishairwasblond,mottledwithbrown,somethinglikethelightsandsonthebeachatSullivan’sIsland,hiseyesweregreenish,hischinbroad,andhischeeksfaintlychiseled.I
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becameawareofmyselfstaringathimaswestrolledtowardthebalconyoffthedrawingroom,behavinglikeafoolofagirl,which,ofcourse,Iwas.Hewasawareofit.Isawasmilepullabouthismouth,andIsilentlyberatedmyselfformytransparency,forlosingmypreciousfan,forslippingintothesolitarydarknessofthebalconywithastranger.What
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wasIdoing?Thenightwascold.We
stoodbytherailing,whichhadbeenfestoonedwithpinewreaths,andstaredatthefiguresmovingpastthewindowsinsidetheroom.Themusicwhirredbehindthepanes.Ifeltveryfarawayfromeverything.TheseawindroseandIbegantoshiver.Mystammerhadbeeninhibernationforalmosta
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year,butlastwinterithadshowedupontheeveofmycomingoutandremainedthroughoutmyfirstseason,turningitintoaperdition.Ishooknowasmuchfromfearofitsreturnasfromthefrigidair.
“You’rechilled,”hesaid,removinghiscoatanddrapingitaboutmeingentlemanlyfashion.“Howisitwe’venotbeenintroduced
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untilnow?”Williams.Ididn’t
recognizehisfamilyname.Charleston’ssocialpyramidwasruthlesslydefendedbythearistocraticplantersatthetop—theMiddletons,Pinckneys,Heywards,Draytons,Smiths,Manigaults,Russells,Alstons,Grimkés,andsoon.Belowthemdwelledthemercantileclass,whereina
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littlesocialmobilitywassometimespossible,anditoccurredtomethatMr.Williamswasfromthissecondarytier,havingslippedintosocietythroughanopportunecrevice,orperhapshewasavisitortothecity.
“Areyouvisitinghere?”Iasked.
“Notatall,myfamily’shomeisonVanderhorst.ButIcanreadyourthoughts.
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You’retryingtoplacemyfamily.Williams,Williams,whereforeartthouWilliams?”Helaughed.“Ifyou’reliketheothers,you’reworriedI’manartisanoralaborer,orworse,anaspirer.”
Icaughtmybreath.“Oh,Ididn’tmean—I’mnotconcernedwiththatsortofthing.”
“It’sallinjest—Icanseeyou’renotliketheothers.
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Unless,ofcourse,you’reoff-puttolearnmyfamilyrunsthesilversmithshoponQueenStreet.I’llinherititoneday.”
“I’mnotoff-put,I’mnotatall,”Isaid,thenadded,“I’vebeeninyourshop.”
Ididn’tsaythatshoppingforsilverirkedmenoend,asdidmosteverythingIwasforcedtodoasawife-in-training.Oh,thedaysMother
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hadforcedmetohandNinaovertoBinahandsitwithMary,doinghandworksamplers,hoopafterhoopofwhite-on-white,crossstitch,andcrewel,andifnothandwork,thenpainting,andifnotpainting,thenvisitations,andifnotvisitations,thenshoppinginthesombershopsofsilversmiths,wheremymotherandsisterswooned
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overasterlingnutmeggrater,orsomesuch.
I’dfallensilent,uneasywithwhereourconversationhadled,andIturnedtowardthegarden,lookingdownintothefadedblackshadows.Thepeartreeswerebare,theirlimbsspreadopenlikethevisceraofaparasol.Stretchingintothedarknessbeyond,thesinglehouses,doublehouses,andvillas
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werelinedupincramped,neatrowswhichrantowardthetipofthepeninsula.
“IseeI’veoffendedyou,”hesaid.“Iintendedtobecharming,butI’vebeenmockinginstead.It’sbecausemystationisanawkwardtopicforme.I’millateasewithit.”
Iturnedbacktohim,astonishedthathe’dbeensofreewithhisthoughts.I
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hadn’tknownayoungmantodisplaythiskindofvulnerability.“I’mnotoffended.I’m—charmedlikeyousaid.”
“Ithankyou,then.”“No,Ishouldbetheone
tothankyou.Theclumsinessinthedrawingroom—thatwasmine.Andyou—”
“IcouldclaimIwastryingtobegallant,butintruth,Iwantedtoimpress
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you.I’dbeenwatchingyou.Iwasabouttointroducemyselfwhenyouwhirledaboutanditrainedpunch.”
Ilaughed,morestartledthanamused.Youngmendidnotwatchme.
“Youcreatedabrilliantspectacle,”hewassaying.“Don’tyouthink?”
Regrettably,wewereveeringintothehazardsofflirting.I’dalwaysbeen
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feebleatit.“Yes.I-Itry.”“Anddoyoucreatethese
spectaclesoften?”heasked.“Itry.”“You’vesucceededwell.
TheladiesonthedancefloorrecoiledwithsuchshockIthoughtaturbanmightsailoffandinjuresomeone.”
“Ah,but—theinjurywould’vebeenlaidatyourfeet,notmine.Imean,itwas
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youwhoclaimedresponsibilityforthewholething.”Wherehadthatcomefrom?
Hebowed,conceding.“Weshouldreturntothe
party,”Itoldhim,peelinghiscoatfrommyshoulders,wantingtoendthebanteronahighnote,butworried,too,wemightbemissed.
“Ifyouinsist,butIwouldrathernotshareyou.You’re
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theloveliestladyI’vemetthisseason.”
Hiswordsseemedgratuitous,andforaninstant,Ididn’tquitetrustthem.Butwhycouldn’tIbelovelytohim?PerhapstheFatesatthetopofthestairshadchangedtheirminds.Perhapshe’dlookedpastmyplainnessandglimpsedsomethingdeeper.Or,perhapsIwasnotasplainasIthought.
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“MayIcallonyou?”heasked.
“Youwanttocallonme?”
Hereachedformyhandandpulledittohislips.Hekissedit,notremovinghiseyesfrommine,pressingtheheatandsmoothnessofhislipsontomyskin.Hisfaceseemedstrangelyconcentrated,andIfeltthewarmthfromhismouthmove
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upmyarmintomychest.
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HandfulThedaymaumastartedsewingherstoryquilt,weweresittingoutbythespirittreedoinghandwork.Wealwaysdidthetrouble-freeworkthere—hems,buttons,andtrimmings,orthetinystitchesthatstrainedyoureyesinapoor-litroom.The
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minutetheweatherturnedfair,we’dspreadaquiltonthegroundandgototownwithourneedles.OMissusdidn’tlikeit,saidthegarmentswouldgetsoiled.Maumatoldher,“Well,Ineedtheoutdoorairtokeepgoing,butI’lltryanddowithoutit.”Rightafterthat,mauma’squotafelloff.Nobodywasgettingmuchofanythingnewtowear,so
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Missussaid,“Allrightthen,sewoutside,butseetoitmyfabricsstayclean.”
Itwasearlyinthespringtime,andthetreebudswerepoppingopenwhilewesatthere.ThosedaysIdidalotoffrettingandfraying.IwaswatchingMissSarahinsociety,howsheworeherfineryandgoingwhicheverwayshepleased.Shewaswantingtogetahusband
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soonandleave.TheworldwasaWiltoncarpetstretchedoutforher,anditseemedlikethedoorshadshutonme,andthat’snotevenright—thedoorsneverhadopenedinthefirstplace.Iwasgettingoldenoughtoseetheyneverwould.
Missuswasstilldraggingusintothediningroomfordevotions,preaching,“Becontentwithyourlot,forthis
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isoftheLord.”Iwantedtosay,Takeyourlotandputitwherethesundon’tshine.
TheotherthingwasLittleNina.ShewasMissSarah’sownsister,morelikeadaughtertoher.IlovedNina,too,youcouldn’thelpit,butshetookoverMissSarah’sheart.Thatwashowitshouldbe,butitleftaholeinmine.
Thatdaybythetree,meandmaumahadthewholekit
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andcomboodleofoursewingstufflineduponthetreeroots—threads,needlebags,pincushions,shears,andasmalltinofbeeswaxweusedtogreaseourneedles.Awaxedneedlewouldalmostglidethroughtheclothbyitself,andIgotwhereIhatedtosewwithoutthesmellofit.Ihadthebrassthimbleonmyfinger,finishingupadressingtablecoverformissus’
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bedchamber,embroideringitwithsomescuppernongvinesgoingroundtheedges.MaumasaidI’doutshinedherwithmysewing—Ididn’tuseatracingwheellikeher,andmydartslayperfecteverytime.
Backtwoyears,whenI’dturnedfifteen,missussaid,“I’mmakingyouourapprenticeseamstress,Hetty.Youaretolearnallyoucan
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andshareinthework.”I’dbeenlearningfrommaumasinceIcouldholdaneedle,butIguessthismademeofficial,anditspreadsomeoftheburdenoffmaumaovertome.
Maumahadherwoodenpatchboxbesideher,plusastackofredandbrownquiltsquares,fresh-cut.Sherootedthroughtheboxandcameupwithascrapofblackcloth.I
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watchedhercutthreefigurespurelybyeye.Nohesitation,that’sthetrick.Shepinnedtheshapesonaredsquare,andstartedappliquéing.Shesatwithherbackrounded,herlegsstraightout,herhandsmovinglikemusicagainstherchest.
Whenwe’dmadeourspirittree,I’dsewedapouchforeachofusoutofoldbedticking.Icouldseehers
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peekingoutfromherdresscollar,plumpedwithlittlepiecesofthetree.Ireachedupandgavemineapat.Besidethetreecharms,minehadMissSarah’sbuttoninsideit.
Isaid,“Sowhatkindofquiltyoumaking?”
“Thisastoryquilt,”shesaid,andthatwasthefirsttimeIheardofone.Shesaidhermaumamadeone,andher
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maumabeforeher.AllherkininAfrica,theFonpeople,kepttheirhistoryonaquilt.
Ileftoffmyembroideryandstudiedthefiguresshewassewing—aman,awoman,andalittlegirlbetweenthem.Theywerejoinedatthehands.“Who’retheysupposedtobe?”
“WhenIgetitalldone,Itellyouthestorysquarebysquare.”Shegrinned,
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showingthebigspacebetweenherteeth.
Aftershestitchedonthethreepeople,shefree-cutatinyquilttopwithblacktrianglesandseweditatthegirl’sfeet.Shecutoutlittleshacklesandchainsfortheirlegs,then,ahostofstarsthatshesewedallroundthem.Somestarshadtailsoflight,somelayontheground.Itwasthestoryofthenighther
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mauma—mygranny-mauma—gotsoldandthestarsfell.
Maumaworkedinarush,needingtogetthestorytold,butthemoreshecutandstitched,thesadderherfaceturned.Afterawhileherfingerssloweddownandsheputthequiltsquareaway.Shesaid,“Thisgontakeawhile,Iguess.”Thenshepickedupahalf-donequiltwithaflowerappliqué.Itwasmilk-white
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androse-pink,somethingsuretosell.Sheworkedonitlackluster.Thesungutteredintheleavesoverourheads,andIwatchedtheshadowspassoverher.
Forthesakeofsomegossip,Itoldher,“MissSarahmetaboyatoneofherparties,andhe’sallshewantstotalkabout.”
“Igotsomebodylikethat,”shesaid.
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Ilookedatherlikeherheadhadfallenoff.Isetdowntheembroideryhoop,andthewhitedressercoverfloppedinthedirt.“Well,whoishe,where’dyougethim?”
“Nexttriptothemarket,Itakeyoutoseehim.AllIgonsayis:heafreeblack,andheoneofakind.”
Ididn’tlikeshe’dbeenkeepingthingsfromme.I
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snappedather.“AndyougonnamarryMr.OneofaKindFreeBlack?”
“No,Iain’t.Healreadymarried.”
Coursehewas.Maumawaitedthrough
mypique,thensaid,“Hecomeintosomemoneyandboughthisownfreedom.Hecostafortune,buthismassahaveagambledebt,soheonlypayfivehundreddollars
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forhisself.Andhestillhavemoneyafterthattobuyahouseat20BullStreet.Itsitthreeblocksfromwherethegovernorlive.”
“How’dhegetallthismoney?”
“WonitintheEastBayStreetlottery.”
Ilaughedoutloud.“That’swhathetoldyou?Well,Ireckonthisistheluckiestslavethateverlived.”
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“Ithappentenyearsago,everybodyknow’boutit.Hebuyaticket,andhisnumbercomeup.Ithappen.”
Thelotteryofficewasdownthestreetfromthemarket,nearthedocks.I’dpasseditmyselfwhenmaumatookmeouttolearntheshopping.Therewasalwaysamish-mashofpeoplegettingtickets:shipcaptains,CityGuard,whitelaborers,free
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blacks,slaves,mulattoes,andcreoles.There’dbetwo,threemeninsilkcravatswiththeircarriageswaiting.
Isaid,“Howcomeyoudon’tbuyaticket?”
“Andwasteacoinonsomefancychance?”
Forthelastfiveyears,everylickofstrengthmaumahadleftfromsewingformissushadgonetowardherdollarbillcollection.She’d
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beenhiredoutsteadysinceIwaseleven,butitwasn’tontheslyanymore,andthankyoukindJesusforthat.Hercounterfeitbadgeandallthatsneakingoutshe’ddoneforthebetterpartofayearhadputwhitehaironmyhead.Iusedtopullitoutandshowittoher.I’dsay,“Lookwhatyou’redoingtome.”She’dsay,“HereIis,savinguptobuyusfreedomandyou
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worrying’bouthair.”WhenIwasthirteen,
missushadfinallygiveninandletmaumahireout.Idon’tknowwhy.Maybeshegottiredofsayingthewordno.Maybeitwasthemoneyshewanted—maumacouldputahundreddollarsayearinmissus’pocket—butIknowthismuch,itdidn’thurtwhenmaumamademissusapatchworkquiltforChristmas
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thatyear.Ithadasquareforeachofherchildrenmadefromsomeremnantoftheirs.Maumatoldher,“Iknowthisain’tnothingmuch,butIsewedyouamemoryquiltofyourfamilysoyoucanwrapupinitaftertheygone.”Missustouchedeachsquare:“Why,thisisfromthedressMaryworetohercomingout...ThisisCharles’baptismblanket...My
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goodness,thisisThomas’firstridingshirt.”
Maumadidn’twasteabreath.Sheaskedmissusrightthentohireherout.AmonthlatershewashiredlegaltosewforawomanonTraddStreet.Maumakepttwentycentsonthedollar.Therestwenttomissus,butIknewmaumawassellingunderhandontheside—frilledbonnets,quilttops,
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candlewickbedcovers,allsortsofwearsthatdidn’tcallforafitting.
Shehadmecountthemoneyregular.Itcametoahundredninetydollars.Ihatedtotellherhermoney-pilecouldhittheroof,butthatdidn’tmeanmissuswouldsellus,speciallytoourselves.
Thinkingaboutallthis,Isaid,“Wesewtoogoodfor
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missustoletusgo.”“Wellifsherefuseus,
thenoursewinggongetrealbad,realfast.”
“Whatmakesyouthinkshewouldn’tsellustosomebodyelseforspite?”
Maumastoppedworkingandthefightseemedtoalmostleaveher.Shelookedtired.“It’sachancewehastotake,orelsewegonenduplikeSnow.”
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PoorSnow,he’ddiedonenightlastsummer.Felloverintheprivy.Aunt-Sistertiedhisjawtokeephisspiritfromleaving,andhewaslaidoutonacoolingboardinthekitchenhousefortwodaysbeforetheyputhiminaburialbox.ThemanhadspenthiswholelifecarryingtheGrimkésroundtown.Sabetookhisplaceasthecoachmanandtheybrought
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somenewboyfromtheirplantationtobethefootman.HisnamewasGoodis,andhehadonelazyeyethatlookedsideways.Hewatchedmesomuchwiththateyemauma’dsaid,“Thatboygothisheartfixonyou.”
“Idon’twanthimfixinghisheartonme.”
“That’sgood,”she’dsaid.“Ican’tbuynobody’sfreedombutmineandyours.
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Yougetahusband,andheonhisown.”
Itiedoffaknotandmovedtheembroiderhoopover,sayingtomyself,Idon’twantahusbandanddon’tplanonendinguplikeSnowonacoolingboardinthekitchenhouseeither.
“Howmuchwillittaketobuythebothofus?”Iasked.
Maumarammedtheneedleinthecloth.Shesaid,
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“That’swhatyougonfindout.”
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SarahI’dneverbeeninclinedtokeepadiaryuntilImetBurkeWilliams.Ithoughtbywritingdownmyfeelings,Iwouldseizecontroloverthem,perhapsevencurbwhatReverendHallcalled“theparoxysmsofcarnality.”
Forwhatit’sworth,
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chartingone’spassioninasmalldaybookkepthiddeninahatboxinsideawardrobedoesnotsubduepassionintheleast.
20February1811Ihadimaginedromanticlovetobeaconditionofsweetutopia,notanaffliction!Tothink,afewweeksago,I
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thoughtmystarvedmindwouldbemyworsthardship.Nowmyhearthasitsownordeal.Mr.Williams,youtormentme.It’sasifI’vecontractedatropicalfever.IcannotsaywhetherIwishtobecured.
Mydiaryoverflowedwiththissortofpurpleoutburst.
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3MarchMr.Williams,whydoyounotcall?It’sunfairthatImustwaitforyoutoact.WhymustI,asafemale,beatyourdisposal?Whycan’tIsendacallingnotetoyou?Whomadeuptheseunjustrules?Men,that’swho.Goddevisedwomentobetheminions.Well,I
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quiteresentit!
9MarchAmonthhaspassed,andIseenowwhattranspiredbetweenMr.Williamsandmynaïveselfonthebalconywasafarce.Hehastoyedwithmeshamelessly.Iknewiteventhen!Heisafickle-heartedcad,andIwouldnosooner
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speaktohimnowthanIwouldspeaktothedevil.
WhenIwasnotengagedinaeratingmyfeelings,orcaringforlittleNina,orfendingoffMother’sattemptstodrawmeintomydutifulfemaletasks,Iwasforagingamongtheinvitationsandcallingcardsleftonthedeskbythefrontdoor.WhenNina
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nappedintheafternoon,IhadHandfulwheelthecopperbathtubintomyroomandfillitwithbucketsofblisteringwaterfromthelaundry.
ThiscoppertubwasamodernwonderimportedfromFrancebywayofVirginia,anditwasthetalkofCharleston.Itsatonnoisylittlewheelsandtraveledroomtoroomlikeaportabledippingcart.Yousatinit.
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Youdidnotstandoverabasinandpatwateronyourself—no,youwerequiteimmersed!Totopitoff,onesideofthetubpossessedaventthatcouldbeopenedtoreleasetheusedwater.Motherinstructedtheslavestotrundlethetubontothepiazzaneartherailanddischargethebathwaterovertheside.Thewaterfallssplatteringintothegarden
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alertedneighborsthehygienicGrimkéshadbeenbathingagain.
WhenanotewithscratchypenmanshiparrivedatthehouseshortlybeforenoonontheidesofMarch,IswoopeduponitbeforeMother.
15MarchBurkeWilliamscomplimentsSarah
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Grimké,requestingthepleasureofhercompanytomorrownight.Ifhecanserveherinanywayinthemeantime,hewouldbehonored.
P.S.Pleaseexcusetheborrowedpaper.
Istoodstillforseveral
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moments,thenplacedthenotebackonthepile,thinking,Whyshouldanyonecareifthepaperisborrowed,andthenthestupefactionworeoff.Caughtinasuddenswellofelation,Iascendedthestairstomyroom,whereIdancedaboutlikesometipsybird.I’dforgottenHandfulandNinawerethere.They’dspreadthedollteasetonthefloorbeneaththewindow,
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andwhenIturned,Isawthemstaringatme,holdingtinycupsofpretend-teaintheair.
“Youmust’veheardfromthatboy,”Handfulsaid.Shewastheonlyonewhoknewofhisexistence.
“Whatboy?”Ninaasked,andIwasforcedtotellheraboutMr.Williams,too.AtthismomentMotherwouldbedispatchinganacceptance
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whilesingingGlorybetoGodintheHighest.Shewouldbesojubilantwithallelujahs,itwouldnotoccurtohertowonderathiscredentials.
“WillyougetmarriedlikeThomas?”Ninaasked.Hisweddingwastwoandahalfmonthsawayandareferencepointforeverything.
“IdobelieveIwill,”Itoldher,andtheideaseemed
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altogetherplausible.Iwouldnotbeapressedflowerinabookafterall.
We’dexpectedMr.Williamsat8:00P.M.,butattenpast,hewasstillabsent.Mother’sneckwassplotchedredwithpatchesofinsult,andFather,who’djoinedMotherandmeinthedrawingroom,heldhiswatchinhishand.Thethree
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ofussatasifwaitingforafuneralprocessiontopass.Ifearedhewouldn’tappearatall,andifhedid,thatourvisitwouldbecutshort.Bycustom,theslave’scurfew—9:00inthewinter,10:00inthesummer—clearedgentlemencallersfromthedrawingrooms.WhentheCityGuardbeatdrumstosummontheslavesoffthestreets,thesuitorswouldrise
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oncue.Herappedonthefront
doorataquarterpasttheappointedhour.WhenTomfryusheredhimintotheroom,Iliftedmyfan—anextravagantnosegayofhenfeathers—andmyparentsrosewithcoolcivilityandofferedhimtheDuncanPhyfechairthatflankedtherightsideofthefireplace.I’dbeenrelegatedtothechairon
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theleft,whichmeantwewereseparatedbythefirescreenandforcedtocraneournecksforaglimpseofoneanother.Apity—helookedmorehandsomethanIremembered.Hisfacehadbronzedwithsunandhishairwaslonger,curlingbehindhisears.Detectingthescentoflime-soapdriftingfromhisdirection,myinsidesconvulsedinvoluntarily—a
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full-blownparoxysmofcarnality.
Aftertheexcusesandthetrivialities,Fathergotrighttothepoint.“Tellus,Mr.Williams,whatisitthatyourfatherdoes?”
“Sir,myfatherownsthesilvershoponQueenStreet.Itwasfoundedbymygreat-grandfatherandisthelargestsilvershopintheSouth.”
Hespokewith
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unconcealedpride,butthestiffsilencethathadprecededhisarrivaldescendedagain.AGrimkédaughterwouldmarryasonoftheplanterclasswhowouldstudylaw,medicine,religion,orarchitectureinordertooccupyhimselfuntilheinherited.
“Ashop,yousay?”Motherasked,givingherselftimetoabsorbtheblow.
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“That’scorrect,madame.”
SheturnedtoFather.“Asilvershop,John.”
Fathernodded,andIreadhisthought:Merchant.Itroseintheairabovehisforeheadlikeadarkcondensation.
“We’vefrequentedtheshopoften,”Isaid,beamingasifthoseoccasionshadbeenthehighlightofmylife.
Mothercametomyaid.
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“Indeedwehave.It’salovelyshop,John.”
Mr.WilliamsslidforwardinhischairandaddressedFather.“Sir,mygrandfather’swishwastoprovideourcitywithasilvershopthatwouldliveuptotheoneyourowngrandfather,JohnPaulGrimké,owned.IbelieveitwasonthecornerofQueenandMeeting,wasn’tit?Mygrandfatherthoughthimtobe
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thegreatestsilversmithinthecountry,greaterthanMr.Revere.”
Oh,theadroitnessofthisman!Itwistedinmychairthebettertoseehim.Intheguiseofacompliment,he’dletitbeknownhewasnottheonlyoneintheroomdescendedfromthemerchantclass.Ofcourse,thedifferencewasthatJohnPaulGrimkéhadparlayedthesuccessofhis
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shopintocottonventuresandlargelandholdingsinthelowcountry.He’dbeenambitiousandprudent,andtoiledhiswayintoCharlestonaristocracy.Nevertheless,Mr.Williamshadlandedhispunch.
Fathereyedhimsteadilyandspoketwowords.“Isee.”
Ithinkhedidsee,too.Inthatmoment,hesawMr.Williamsquitewell.
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TomfryservedHysonteaandbiscuits,andtheconversationturnedbacktotrivialities,aninterludecutshortwhenthecurfewdrumsbegan.Mr.Williamsrose,andIfeltasuddendeflation.Tomywonder,Motherentreatedhimtovisitagain,andIsawoneofFather’sluxurianteyebrowslift.
“MayIseehimtothedoor?”Iasked.
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“Ofcourse,dear,butTomfrywillaccompanyyou.”
WetrailedTomfryfromtheroom,butoncepastthedoor,Mr.Williamsstoppedandplacedhishandonmyarm.“Youlookenchanting,”hewhispered,drawinghisfaceclosetomine.“Itwouldeasemyregretinleaving,ifyoufavoredmewithalockofyourhair.”
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“Myhair?”“Asatokenofyour
affection.”Iliftedthehenfeathersto
covertheheatinmyface.Hepressedawhite
handkerchiefintomyhand.“Foldthelockinsidemykerchief,thentossitoverthefencetoGeorgeStreet.I’llbethere,waiting.”Withthattitillatingdirective,hegavemeagrin,suchagrin,and
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strodetowardthedoor,whereTomfrywaiteduncomfortably.
Returningtothedrawingroomtofacemyparents’evaluations,Ihaltedoutsidethedoor,realizingtheywerespeakingaboutme.
“John,wemustfacereason.Hemaybeheronlychance.”
“Youthinkourdaughtersopooramarriageprospect
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shecandrawnobetterthanthat?”
“Hisfamilyisnotpoor.Theyarereasonablywell-to-do.”
“ButMary,itisamercantilefamily.”
“Themanisasuitor,andheislikelythebestshecando.”
Ifledtomyroom,chagrined,buttoopreoccupiedwithmy
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clandestinemissiontobewounded.Havinglitthelampsandturneddownthebed,Handfulwasbentovermydesk,frowningandpickingherwaythroughthepoemLeonidas,whichwasanalmostunreadableodetomenandtheirwars.Asalways,sheworeapouchaboutherneckfilledwithbark,leaves,acorns,andothergleaningsfromtheoakinthework
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yard.“Quickly,”Iblurted.
“Taketheshearsfrommydresserandcutoffalockofmyhair.”
Shesquintedatmewithoutmovingamuscle.“Whydoyouwannadosomethinglikethat?”
“Justdoit!”Iwasawreckofimpatience,butseeinghowmytonemiffedher,Iexplainedthereason.
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Shecutawhorlaslongasmyfingerandwatchedmesecretitinsidethehandkerchief.ShefollowedmedownstairstotheornamentalgardenwhereIglimpsedhimthroughthepalisadefence,ashadowedfigure,leaningagainstthestuccoedbrickwalloftheDupréhouseacrossthestreet.
“Thathim?”Handfulasked.
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Ishushedher,afraidhewouldhear,andthenIflungtheamorousbundleoverthefence.Itlandedinthecrushedshellthatpowderedthestreet.
ThenextdayFatherannouncedwewoulddepartimmediatelyforBelmont.BecauseofThomas’upcomingnuptials,it’dpreviouslybeendecided
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Fatherwouldjourneytotheupcountryplantationalonethisspring,andnowsuddenlytheentirefamilywasthrownintoafrenziedmassexodus.Didhethinknooneunderstoodithadeverythingtodowiththeunsuitablesonofasilversmith?
Ipennedahurriedletter,whichIleftforTomfrytopost.
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17MarchDearMr.Williams,Iamsorrytoinform
youthatmyfamilywillleaveCharlestoninthemorning.IwillnotreturnuntilthemiddleofMay.Leavinginsuchanimpromptumannerpreventsmesayingfarewellinperson,whichImuchregret.IhopeImightwelcome
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youagaintoourhomeonEastBayassoonasIreturntocivilization.Itrustyoufoundyourhandkerchiefanditscontents,andkeepthemclose.
WithAffectionateRegards,IamSarahGrimké
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ThesevenweeksofmyseparationfromMr.Williamswereacruelagony.Ibusiedmyselfwiththeestablishmentofaslaveinfirmaryontheplantation,installingitinacorneroftheweavinghouse.Ithadoncebeenasickbay,yearsbefore,buthadfallenintodereliction,andPeggy,theslavewhodidtheweaving,hadtakentostoringhercardedwoolonthe
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infirmary’soldcot.Ninahelpedmescrubthecornerandassembleanapothecaryofmedicine,salves,andherbsthatIbeggedorblendedmyselfinthekitchenhouse.Itdidn’ttakelongforthesickandailingtoshowup,somanytheoverseercomplainedtoFatherthatmyhealingenterpriseinterferedwithfieldproduction.IexpectedFathertoshutour
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doors,butheleftmetoit,thoughnotwithoutinstructingmeonthenumberlesswaystheslaveswouldabusemyefforts.
ItwasMotherwhonearlyendedtheoperation.UpondiscoveringI’dspentthenightintheinfirmaryinordertocareforafifteen-year-oldwithchildbirthfever,sheshuttheinfirmaryfortwodays,beforefinallyrelenting.
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“Yourbehavioriswoefullyintemperate,”shesaid,andthentreadingtoocloselytothetruth,added,“Isuspectit’snotcompassionthatdrivesyouasmuchastheneedtodistractyourmindfromMr.Williams.”
MyafternoonswerefritteredawaywithneedleworkandteasorpaintinglandscapeswithMarywhileNinaplayedat
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myfeet,allofwhichtookplaceinastuffyparlorwithpoorlylitwindowsdrapedinvelvetswagsthecolorofFather’sport.Myonerespitewasstrikingoutaloneonahigh-spiritedblackstallionnamedHiram.ThehorsehadbeengiventomewhenIwasfourteen,andsincehedidn’tfallintothecategoryofslave,slaveowner,orhandsomebeau,Iwaslefttolovehim
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withoutcomplication.WheneverIcouldstealawayfromtheparlor,HiramandIgallopedatsplendiferousspeedsintoalandscapeeruptingwiththesameintractablewildnessIfeltinside.Theskieswerebrightcerulean,teemingwithferociouswinds,spillingmallardsandfatwooddrakesfromtheclouds.Upanddownthelanes,thefences
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werelitwithyellowjasmine,itsmuskasweet,chokingsmoke.IrodewiththesamedrunksensualitywithwhichIhadreclinedinthecoppertub,ridingtillthelightsmeared,returningwiththefallingdark.
MotherallowedmetowritetoMr.Williamsonlyonce.Anythingmore,sheinsistedwaswoefullyintemperate.Ireceivedno
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letterinreturn.Maryheardnothingfromherintendedeitherandclaimedthemailtobeatrocious,thereforeIdidn’toverlyfret,butquietlyanddailyIwonderedwhetherMr.W.andhisgrinwouldbetherewhenIreturned.Iplacedmyhopeinthebewitchingpropertiescontainedinthelockofmyredhair.Thiswasn’tsodifferentthanHandful
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placingherfaithinthebarkandacornssheworearoundherneck,butIwouldn’thaveadmittedit.
I’dthoughtlittleofHandfulduringmyincarcerationatBelmont,butonthedaybeforeweleft,thefifteen-year-oldslaveI’dnursedappeared,curedofchildbirthfever,butnowwithboilsonherneck.Seeingher,Iunderstoodsuddenlythatit
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wasn’tonlymilesthatseparatedHandfulandme.Itwasn’tanyofthosethingsI’dtoldmyself,notmypreoccupationwithNina,orHandful’sduties,orthenaturalcourseofage.Itwassomeothergrowinggulf,onethathadbeentherelongbeforeI’dleft.
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HandfulLateintheafternoon,aftertheGrimkéshadgoneofftotheirplantationandthefewslavesleftonthepremisewereintheirquarters,maumasentmeintomasterGrimké’slibrarytofindoutwhatmeandherwouldsellfor.OShestoodlookoutforTomfry.I
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toldher,don’tworryaboutTomfry,theoneyouhavetowatchforisLucy,MissCome-Look-at-the-Writing-Under-the-Tree.
AmanhadcomelastwinterandwrittendowneverythingmasterGrimkéownedandwhatitwasworth.Maumahadbeentherewhilehewrotedownthelacquersewingtable,thequiltframe,andeveryoneofhersewing
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toolsinabrownleatherbookhe’dtiedwithacord.Shesaid,“Ifweinthatbook,thenitsaywhatourpriceis.Thatbookgottobeinthelibrarysomewhere.”
ThisseemedlikeatolerableideatillIclosedthedoorbehindme,thenitseemedlikeadamnfoolone.MasterGrimkéhadbooksintherethelikesyouwouldn’tbelieve,andhalfofthem
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werebrownleather.IopeneddrawersandrummagedtheshelvestillIfoundonewithacord.Isatatthedeskandopeneditup.
AfterIgotcaughtforthecrimeofreading,MissSarahstoppedteachingme,butshesetoutbooksofpoems—thatwasallshegottoreadnow—andshe’dsay,“Itdoesn’ttakelongtoreadapoem.Justclosethedoor,andifthere’sa
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wordyoucan’tmakeout,pointtoit,andI’llwhisperittoyou.”I’dlearnedalegionofwordsthisway,legionbeingoneofthem.SomewordsIlearnedcouldn’tbeworkedintoaconversation:heigh-ho;Ohither;alas;blitheandbonny;Jove’snectar.ButIheldontothemjustthesame.
Thewordsinsidetheleatherbookweren’tfitfor
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poems.Theman’swritinglookedlikescribble.Ihadtocrackeverywordonebyoneandpickoutthesoundthewaywecrackedbluecrabsinthefallandpickedoutthemeattillourfingersbled.Thewordscamelumpsatatime.
CityofCharleston,towit...Wetheundersigned...Tothebestofour
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judgment,...thepersonalinventory...Goodsandchattels...
2Mahoganycardtables...20.50.GeneralWashingtonpictureandaddress...30.2Brusselscarpets&cover...180.Harpsichord...29.
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Iheardfootstepsinthepassage.Maumasaidshe’dsingifIneededtohitoutforcover,butIdidn’thearanythingandwentbacktorunningmyfingerdownthelist.Itwentforthirty-sixpages.Silkthisandivorythat.Goldthis,silverthat.ButnoHettyandnoCharlotteGrimké.
ThenIturnedthelastpageandtherewereallus
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slaves,rightafterthewatertrough,thewheelbarrow,theclawhammer,andthebushelofflintcorn.
Tomfry,51yrs.Butler,Gentleman’sServant...600.Aunt-Sister,48yrs.Cook...450.Charlotte,36yrs.Seamstress...550.
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Ireadittwotimes—Charlotte,mymauma,herage,whatshedid,whatshesellsfor—andIfelttheprideofaconfusedgirl,pridemaumawasworthsomuch,morethanAunt-Sister.
Binah,41yrs.NurseryServant...425.Cindie,45yrs.Lady’sMaid...400.Sabe,29yrs.
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Coachman,HouseServant...600.Eli,50yrs.HouseServant...550.Mariah,34yrs.PlainWasher,Ironer,ClearStarcher...400.Lucy,20yrs.Lady’sMaid...400.Hetty,16yrs.Lady’sMaid,Seamstress...500.
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Mybreathhunghighinmychest.Fivehundreddollars!Iranmyfingeroverthefigure,overthedregsofdriedink.Imarveledhowthey’dleftoffapprentice,howitsaidseamstressfullandclear,howIwasworthmorethaneveryfemaleslavetheyhad,besidemauma.Fivehundreddollars.IwasgoodonfiguresandIaddedmeandmaumatogether.We
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wereathousandfiftydollars’worthofslaves.IwasblinkeredlikeahorseandIsmiledlikethismadeussomebodyandreadontoseewhattherestwerevalued.
Phoebe,17yrs.KitchenServant...400.Prince,26yrs.YardServant...500.Goodis,21yrs.Footman,Stable
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Mucker,YardServant...500.Rosetta,73yrs.Useless...1.
Iputthebookback,thenwentoutandtoldmaumawhatIfoundout.Athousandfiftydollars.Shesankonthebottomstepofthestairsandheldontothebannister.Shesaid,“HowIgonraiseallthatmuchmoney?”
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Itwouldtaketenyearstocomeupwiththatmuch.“Idon’tknow,”Itoldher.“Somethingscan’tbedone—that’sall.”
Shegotupandheadedforthebasement,talkingwithherbacktome.“Don’tbetellingme—can’tbedone.That’ssomegoddamneywhitetalk,that’swhatthatis.”
Iluggedmyselfupthestairsandwentstraightfor
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thealcove.Nexttothetreeoutback,thiswasmychosenspot,upherewhereIcouldseethewater.Withthehouseempty,Iwastheonlyoneupstairs,andIstayedbythewindowtillallthelightbledfromtheskyandthewaterturnedblack.Crossthewater,crossthesea,letthemfishescarryme.ThesongsIusedtosingbackwhenIfirstbelongedtoMissSarahstill
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cametome,butIdidn’tfeellikethewaterwouldtakememuchofanywhere.
Isaidundermybreath,Fivehundreddollars.
Goodsandchattel.Thewordsfromtheleatherbookcameintomyhead.Wewerelikethegoldleafmirrorandthehorsesaddle.Notfull-fledgepeople.Ididn’tbelievethis,neverhadbelieveditadayofmylife,butifyou
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listentowhitefolkslongenough,somesad,beat-downpartofyoustartstowonder.OAllthatprideaboutwhatwewereworthleftmethen.Forthefirsttime,IfeltthehurtandshameofjustbeingwhoIwas.
Afterawhile,Iwentdowntothecellar.Whenmaumasawmyraweyes,shesaid,“Ain’tnobodycanwritedowninabookwhatyou
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worth.”
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SarahOurcaravanoftwocarriages,twowagons,andseventeenpeoplereturnedtoCharlestoninMayonthehighcrestofspring.Rainshadleftthecityrinsedandclean,scentedwithnewlyfloweringmyrtle,privet,andChinesetallow.Thebougainvilleahad
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advancedenmasseovergardengates,andtheskywasbrightandcreamedwiththin,swirlingclouds.Ifeltexultanttobeback.
Aswelumberedthroughthebackgateintoanemptyworkyard,Tomfryhurriedfromthekitchenhouseatanoldman’strot,calling,“Massa,youbackearly.”Hehadanapkinstuffedathiscollarandlookedanxious,as
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ifwe’dcaughthiminthedilatoryactofeating.
“Onlybyaday,”Fathersaid,climbingfromtheBarouche.“Youshouldlettheothersknowwe’rehere.”
Isquirmedpasteveryone,leavingevenNinabehind,andbrokeforthehousewhereIpillagedthecallingcardsonthedesk,andthereitwas—theborrowedpaper.
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3MayBurkeWilliamsrequestsSarahGrimké’scompanyona(chaperoned)horsebackoutingatSullivan’sIsland,uponherreturntoCharleston.
Yours,mosttruly.
Iletoutanexhale,
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behemothinnature,andascendedthestairs.
Irememberveryclearlycomingtoafullhaltonthesecond-floorlandingandgazingcuriouslyatthedoortomyroom.Italonewasshut,whiletheothersstoodopen.Iwalkedtowardituncertainly,withavaguesenseofportent.Ipausedwithmyhandovertheknobforasecondandcockedmy
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ear.Hearingnothing,Iturnedtheknob.Itwaslocked.
Igavetheknobaseconddeterminedtry,andthenathirdandfourth,andthat’swhenIheardthetentativevoiceinside.
“Thatyou,mauma?”Handful?Thethoughtof
herinsidemyroomwiththedoorlockedwassoincongruentIcouldnotimmediatelyanswerback.
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Shecalledout,“Coming.”Hervoicesoundedexasperated,reluctant,breathy.Therewasthesoundofwatersplashing,akeythrustintothelock.Click.Click.
Shestoodinthedoorwaydrippingwet,nakedbutforawhitelinentowelclutchedaroundherwaist.Herbreastsweretwosmall,purpleplumsprotrudingfromherchest.I
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couldn’thelpgazingatherwet,blackskin,thesmallcompactpowerofhertorso.She’dunloosedherbraids,andherhairwasawildcoronaaroundherhead,shimmeringwithbeadedwater.
Shesteppedbackwardandhermouthparted.Behindher,thewondrouscoppertubsatinthemiddleoftheroom,filledwithwater.Vaporwas
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liftingoffthesurface,turningtheairrheumy.Theaudacityofwhatshe’ddonetookmybreath.IfMotherdiscoveredthis,theconsequenceswouldbeswiftanddire.
Imovedquicklyinsideandclosedthedoor,myinstinctevennowtoprotecther.Shemadenoattempttocoverherself.Iglimpseddefianceinhereyes,inthewayshewrestedbackher
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chinasiftosay,Yes,it’sme,bathinginyourprecioustub.
Thesilencewasterrible.Ifshethoughtmyreservewasduetoanger,shewasright.Iwantedtoshakeher.Herboldnessseemedlikemorethanafrolicinthetub,itseemedlikeanactofrebellion,ofusurpation.Whathadpossessedher?She’dviolatednotonlytheprivacyofmyroomandtheintimacy
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ofourtub,she’dbreachedmytrust.
Ididn’trecognizehowmymother’svoicerantedinsideme.
Handfulstartedtospeak,andIwasterrifiedofwhatshewouldsay,fearfulitwouldbehatefulandjustifying,yetoddly,Ifearedanexpressionofshameandapologyjustasmuch.Istoppedher.“Please.Don’t
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sayanything.Atleastdothatforme,saynothing.”
Iturnedmybackwhileshedriedherselfandpulledonherdress.WhenIlookedagain,shewastyingakerchiefaroundherhair.Itwaspalegreen,thesamecolorasthetinydiscoloredpatchesonthecopper.Shebenttomopthepuddlesfromthefloor,andIsawthescarfdarkeningasitsoakedthe
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dampness.Shesaid,“Youwantme
toemptythewateroutnoworwait?”
“Let’sdoitnow.Wecan’thaveMotherwanderinandfindit.”
Witheffort,Ihelpedherrollthesloshingtubthroughthejibdoorontothepiazza,closetotherail,hopingthefamilywasinsidenowandwouldn’thearthegushof
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water.Handfulyankedopentheventanditspilledinalong,silverbeakovertheside.Iseemedtotasteitinmymouth,thetangofminerals.
“Iknowyou’reangry,Sarah,butIdidn’tseeanyharmwithmebeinginthetub,sameasyou.”
NotMissSarah,butSarah.IwouldneveragainhearherputMissbeforemy
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name.Shehadthelookof
someonewho’ddeclaredherself,andseeingit,myindignationcollapsedandhermutinousbathturnedintosomethingelseentirely.She’dimmersedherselfinforbiddenprivileges,yes,butmostlyinthebeliefshewasworthyofthoseprivileges.Whatshe’ddonewasnotarevolt,itwasabaptism.
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IsawthenwhatIhadn’tseenbefore,thatIwasverygoodatdespisingslaveryintheabstract,intheremovedandanonymousmasses,butintheconcrete,intimatefleshofthegirlbesideme,I’dlosttheabilitytoberepulsedbyit.I’dgrowncomfortablewiththeparticularsofevil.There’safrightfulmutenessthatdwellsatthecenterofallunspeakablethings,andIhad
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foundmywayintoit.AsHandfulbeganto
shovethevesselbackacrossthepiazza,Itriedtospeak.“......Wait......I’ll......help...”
Sheturnedandlookedatme,andwebothknew.Mytonguewouldonceagainattemptitssuicide.
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HandfulMissussentmeandmaumatothemarketforsomegoodcottontomakeadressforNina.Shewasgrowingoutfromeverything.Missussaid,getsomethingpastelthistimeandseeaboutsomehomespunforTomfryandthemtohavenewvests.
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ThemarketwasarowofstallsthatranallthewayfromEastBaytoMeetingandhadwhateverunderthesunyouwanted.Missussaidtheplacewasavulgarbazaar,thatwasherwords.Theturkeybuzzardswanderedroundthemeatstandslikeregularcustomers.Theyhadtokeepamanintherewithapalmbranchtoshoothem.Course,theyflewtotheroofs
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andwaitedhimout,thencameonback.Thesmellsintherewouldknockyoudown.Oxtails,bullockhearts,rawpork,livechickens,crackedoysters,bluecrabs,fish,andmorefish.Thesweetpeanutcakesdidn’tstandachance.Iusedtogoroundholdingmynosetillmaumagotsomeeucalyptusleavestorubovermytoplip.
Theslavesellers,what
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theycalledhigglers,wereshoutingtheirwares,tryingtoout-doeachother.Themensangout,“Jimmie”(that’swhatwecalledthemalecrabs),andthewomensangback,“Sook”(thosewerethefemales).“Jimmieeee...Soooook...Jimmieeee...Soooook.”Youneededsomethingforyournoseandyourears.
ItwasSeptember,andI
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stillhadn’tlaideyesonthemanmaumahadtoldmeabout,theluckyfreeblackwhowonthemoneytobuyhisfreedom.Hehadacarpentershopoutbackofhishouse,andIkneweverytimeshewasletoutforhireorsenttothemarketwithoutme,shewasdallyingwithhim.One,twotimesaweek,shecamebacksmellinglikewoodshavings,thebackofher
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dresssaw-dusted.Thatday,whenwegotto
thepiecegoodstalls,Istartedsayinghowhewasmade-up.“Awrightthen,”maumasaid.Shegrabbedupthefirstpastelshesawandsomedrabbrownwoolandweheadedoutsidewithourbasketsloaded.Ablockdown,theyweresellingslavesrightonthestreet,sowecrossedtheotherwaytowardKing.I
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pattedthepassinsidemydresspocketthreetimesandcheckedtoseedidmaumastillhaveherbadgefastenedonherdress.Outinthestreets,Ialwayshadthebadfeelingofsomethingcoming,somemeannessgathering.OnComingStreet,wespottedaguard,couldn’thavebeenoldasme,stopanoldmanwhogotsonervoushedroppedhistravelpass.Theguard
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steppedonit,havinghisfun.Wewalkedinahurry,
outpacingthecarriages.Maumadidn’tuseherwoodencaneanymoreexceptspecialoccasions.Thosecamealongwhensheneededaletupfrommissus.She’dtellher,“LookslikethecureIprayedformyleghaswornoff.Ijustneedtorestupandprayforafewdays.”Outcamethecane.
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Mauma’sfreeblackmanlivedat20Bull.Itwasawhiteframesinglehouse,hadblackshudderswiththepaintfleckingoffandscruffybushesroundtheporch.Sheshookthepowdershellfromthestreetoffherhemlineandsaid,“IfIstandhere,heseemeandcomerightout.”
“Sowe’resupposedtostandheretillhelooksoutthewindow?”
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“Youwantmetogoupthereandknockonthedoor?Ifhiswifecome,youwantmetosay,‘Tellyourhusbandhisgirlfriendouthere?’”
“Howcomeyou’refoolingwithsomebodywhohasawifeanyway?”
“Theynotmarriedlegal,shehisfree-wife.Hegottwomoreof’em,too.Allmulatto.”
Asshesaidtheword,
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mulatto,hesteppedfromthehouseandstoodontheporchlookingatus.Abullofaman.Iwantedtosay,Wellhesuredoesliveontherightstreet.Hewasthicksetandsolidwithabigchestandlargeforehead.
Whenhecameover,maumasaidtohim,“Thismygirl,Handful.”
Henodded.Icouldseehewasstern,andproud.Hesaid,
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“I’mDenmarkVesey.”Maumasidleduptohim
andsaidformybenefit,“DenmarkisacountrynexttoFrance,andarealfineone,too.”ShesmiledathiminawayIhadtolookawayfrom.
Heslidhishandupthesideofherarm,andIeasedoffdownthestreet.Iftheywantedtocarryon,allright,butIdidn’thavetostandthereandwatchit.
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Inthecomingyear,we’dmakethisvisitto20BullmoretimesthanIcaretotell.Thetwolovebirdswouldgoinhisworkshop,andI’dsitoutsideandwait.Aftertheyweredone,he’dcomeoutandtalk.Andhecouldtalk,Lord,couldthatmantalk.DenmarkthemanneverhadbeentoDenmarkthecountry,justtheDanishIslands.Tohearhimtellit,though,he’dbeen
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everywhereelse.He’dtraveledtheworldwithhisownerCaptainVesey,whosailedaslaveship.HespokeFrench,Danish,Creole,Gullah,andtheKing’sEnglish.Iheardhimspeakeveryoneofthesetongues.HecamefromtheLandofBarbadosandlikedtosayCharlestondidn’ttrustslavesfromthere,causethey’dslityourthroat.Hesaid
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CharlestonwantedsaltwaterblacksfromAfricawhoknewriceplanting.
Theworsttroublingthinghetoldmewashowhisneighbordownthestreet—afreeblacknamedMr.RobertSmyth—ownedthreeslaves.Nowwhatyousupposedtodowithsomethinglikethat?Mr.Veseyhadtotakemetotheman’shousetomeettheslavesbeforeIallowedany
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truthtoit.Ididn’tknowwhetherthisMr.Smythwasbehavinglikewhitepeople,orifitjustshowedsomethingvileaboutallpeople.
DenmarkVeseyreadtheBibleupanddown.Givehimfiveminutesandhe’dtellyouthestoryofMosesleadingslavesfromEgypt.He’dhavetheseaparting,frogsfallingfromthesky,firstbornbabyboysstabbedintheirbeds.He
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mouthedaBibleversefromJoshuasomanytimes,itstillcomestomeinfull.Theyutterlydestroyedallthatwereinthecity,bothmanandwoman,bothyoungandold.Themanwashead-smartandreckless.Hescaredthewitsoutofme.
Thetwoofushadaclashthefirstdaywemet.LikeIsaid,I’deasedoffdownthestreettoletthemknowI
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didn’thaveaneedtoseetheirurges.Thestreetwasbusy,everybodyfromfreeblackstothemayorandthegovernorlivedonit,andwhenawhitewomancamealong,walkinginmypath,Ididthecommonthingyoudo—Isteppedtothesidetoletherpass.Itwasthelaw,youweresupposedtogivewayonthestreet,butherecameDenmarkVeseychargingdowntowhereI
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stoodwithfuryblowingfromhisnostrils,andmaumalookingpanicrightbehindhim.Heyankedmebythearm,yelled,“Isthisthesortofpersonyouwanttobe?Thekindthatstepsaside?Thekindthatgrovelsinthestreet?”
Iwantedtosay,Getyourhandoffme,youdon’tknownothingaboutme,Ibatheinacoppertub,andyou’re
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standinghereandstinktoheaven.Theairroundmyheadturnedthickandmythroattightenedonit.Imanagedtosay,“Letmego.”
Behindhim,maumasaid,alittletoosweetformytaste,“Takeyourhandoffher.”
Hedroppedhisgrip.“Don’tletmeseethatfromyouagain.”Thenhesmiled.Andmauma,shesmiled,too.
Wewalkedhomewithout
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awordbetweenus.InsidetheGrimkéhouse,
thedoortothelibrarywasopen.Theroomwasempty,soIwentinandspuntheglobe.Itmadeascreechsound.Likeanailonaslateboard.Binahsaidthatsoundwasthedevil’stoenail.Ilookedoverallthecountriesontheglobe,roundthewholeearth.Denmarkwasn’tnexttoFrance,itwasupby
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Prussia,butlookingatit,Iknewwhymaumachosehim.He’dbeenplaces,andhewasgoingplaces,andhesetheralightwiththenotionshe’dgoplaces,too.
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SarahNinacameupwiththeideathatmyspeechinfirmitymightbecuredbykneadingmytongue,aprocesstypicallyappliedtodough.Thechildwasnothingifnotpioneering.She’dlistenedtomytorturedsentencesthroughoutthesummerand
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intothefallandcametobelievetheorneryprotuberanceinmymouthcouldbemoldedinawaythatcausedwordstoplumpandriseaseffortlessasyeast.Shewassixandahalf.
OnceNinawasseducedbyaproblem,shewouldn’tgiveupuntilshe’dimprovisedasolutionandactedonit,andthesesolutionsofherscouldbe
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outlandish,butalsowondrouslyimaginative.Notwishingtodampenthisfascinatingproclivityofhers,IstuckoutmytongueandallowedhertograspitwithwhatIhopedtobeacleandryingtowel.
Thisexperimentwasbeingperformedonthesecond-floorpiazza—me,sittingontheswing,neckcraned,mouthopen,eyes
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bulging—thevisionofavoraciousbabybirdawaitingherworm,thoughtoanyobserver,I’msureitappearedthewormwasbeingextractedratherthandeposited.
Anautumnsunwasclimbingovertheharbor,spillinglikeyolkontotheclouds.Fromthecornerofmywateringeye,IcouldseethesheenofitanglingsharplytowardSullivan’sIsland.Mr.
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WilliamsandIhadcanteredalongthatisland’sshorelineonhorsebackinwhathadturnedouttobeasullenaffair.Fearingmyfreshlyreturnedstammerwouldcausehimtoabandonthecourtship,I’dbarelyopenedmymouth.Nevertheless,he’dcontinuedtocall—there’dbeenfiveoccasionssinceI’dreturnedfromBelmontlastJune.Iexpectedeachoneto
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bethelast.TheboundaryoffeelingbetweenNinaandmewaspermeabletoafault,andIbelievemyfearhadbecomeNina’s.Sheseemeduncommonlydeterminedtocureme.
Graspingmytongue,shepressedandpulled.Inreturn,itflailedlikethetentacleofanoctopus.
Shesighed.“Yourtongueisbeingimplacable.”
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Implacable!Wheredidthelittlegeniusgetthesewords?Iwasteachinghertoread,asI’doncetaughtHandful,butIwassureI’dneverintroducedthewordimplacable.
“Andyouareholdingyourbreath,”sheadded.“Letitout.Trytoloosenyourself.”
Verybossyshewas,too.Alreadyshepossessedmore
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authorityandself-assurancethanI.“...I’lltry,”Isaid,thoughperhapswhatreallyhappenedwasanaccidentalnot-trying.Iclosedmyeyesandbreathed,andinmymind,IsawthebrightwaterintheharborandthentheimageofHandful’sbathwaterstreamingoverthesideofthepiazzalikeafallingribbon,andIfeltmytongueunknotandgrowtranquilbeneath
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Nina’sfingers.Idon’tknowhowlong
shepersistedwithherefforts.Iquitelostmyselfintheflowofwater.Finallyshesaid,“Repeatafterme:WickedWillyWiggle.”
“WickedWillyWiggle,”Isaid,withoutatraceofstutter.
Thisoddinterludeonthepiazzabroughtmenotacure,butthenearestthingtoacure
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Iwouldeverfind,andithadnothingtodowithNina’sfancifultonguekneading.Ithadsomehowtodowithbreathingandreposeandthevisionofwater.
Soitwouldbefromnowon—whenevermystintsofstammeringcame,IwouldclosemyeyesandbreatheandwatchHandful’sbathwater.Iwouldseeitpouringdownanddown,and
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openingmyeyes,Iwouldoftenspeakwithease,sometimesforhours.
InNovembermynineteenthbirthdaycameandwentwithoutacknowledgementexceptMother’sreminderatbreakfastthatI’dreachedaprimemarriageableage.Therewereweeklydressfittingsinpreparationforthe
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winterseason,providingpracticallytheonlycontactIhadwithHandful.ShespentherdayssewinginCharlotte’sroominthecellarorbeneaththeoakwhentheweatherwasmild.Herforbiddenbathallthosemonthsagostillhungleadenbetweenus,thoughHandfuldidn’tseemtheleastbitshamedbymydiscoveryofit.Rathertheopposite,she
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waslikesomeonewho’drisentoherfullmeasure.Duringthefittings,Handfulsangasshepinnedmeintohalf-madedresses.Standingonthefittingbox,turningslowrotations,Iwonderedifshesangtoavoidconversation.Whatevermotivatedher,Iwasrelieved.
Then,onedayinJanuary,Inoticedmyfatherandolderbrothershuddledinthe
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librarywiththedooragape.Thefirsticingofthewinterhadcomeinthenightandglazedthecity,andTomfryhadsetthefireplacesablaze.FromwhereIstoodinthemainpassage,IcouldseeFatherrubbinghishandsbeforetheflames,whileThomas,John,andFrederickgesturedandflittedlikemothsinthelightaroundhisshoulders.Frederick,who’d
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recentlyreturnedfromYaleandfollowedThomastothebar,slammedhisfistintothepalmofhishand.“Howdarethey,howdarethey!”
“We’llmountadefense,”Thomassaid.“Youmustn’tworry,Father,wewon’tbedefeated,Ipromiseyouthat.”
SomeonehadwrongedFather?IdrewasclosetothedoorasIdared,butIcouldmakelittlesenseofthe
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discussion.Theyspokeofanoutrage,butdidn’tnameit.Theyvowedadefense,butagainstwhat?Throughthegapinthedoor,Iwatchedthemmovetothedesk,wheretheyclosedranksaroundadocument.Theypointedatvariouspassages,jabbingitwiththeirfingers,debatinginlow,purposefultones.Thesightofthemrousedmyravenousoldhungertotake
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myplaceintheworld,too,tohavemypartmatter.HowmanyyearshadelapsedsinceIthrewawaythesilverbutton?
Imovedfromthedoor,suddenlyflushwithanger.IwassorryforFather.He’dbeenwrongedinsomeway,butheretheyallwerereadytomoveheavenandearthtorightit,andtheirwives,theirmother,theirsistershadno
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rights,noteventotheirownchildren.Wecouldn’tvoteortestifyinacourt,ormakeawill—ofcoursewecouldn’t,weownednothingtoleavebehind!Whydidn’ttheGrimkémenassembleinourdefense?
Myangerdissipated,butmyignorancewentonforanotherweek.Duringthose
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interminabledays,MotherstayedinherchamberwithaheadacheandevenThomasrefusedmyqueries,sayingitwasFather’smattertodisclose,nothis.Asitturnedout,Iwouldlearnthenewsataparlorconcertheldatoneoftheplantationsnorthwestofthecity.
MaryandIarrivedontheplantationastheafternoonturnedgraywithtwilight,our
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carriagemetbyabevyofpeacocksthatstrolledaboutthegroundsfornoreasonotherthanornamentation.Theycreatedabeautifulblueshimmerinthefadinglight,butIfoundthemasadspectacle,thewaytheymadelittlerushesattheair,goingnowhere.
TheconcertwasalreadyunderwaywhenIreachedtheparlordoor.Burkeslipped
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fromhisseatandgreetedmewithunusualwarmth.Helookeddashinginhislongcerisevestandsilksuit.“Iwasworriedyouweren’tcoming,”hewhisperedandledmequicklytotheemptychairbesidehis.AsIslippedofftheemeraldjacketthatHandfulhadsowondrouslycrafted,heplacedaletteruponmylap.Iraisedmybrowstohimasiftoask
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whetherIshouldbreakthesealandreaditwhileMissParodiandtheharpsichordviedfortheroom.“Later,”hemouthed.
Itwasunconventionaltopassanoteinthismanner,andmymindfrettedthroughouttheprogramatwhatitmightcontain.WhenMrs.Drayton,Thomas’mother-in-law,playedthefinalpieceontheharp,we
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adjournedtothediningroomwherethetablewasspreadwithaCharlotteRussedessertandaselectionofFrenchwines,brandy,andMadeira,ofwhichIcouldn’tpartakeforallmyapprehension.Burkegulpedabrandy,thenmaneuveredmetowardthefrontdoor.
“...Wherearewegoing?”Iasked,unsureofthepropriety.
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“Let’stakeastroll.”Westeppedontothe
porchbeneaththepalladiumfanlightandgazedatthesky.Itwaspurple,almostwatery-looking.Themoonwasrisingoverthetreeline.Icouldn’t,however,thinkofanythingbuttheletter.Ipulleditfrommypurseandrippedtheseal.
MyDearestDarling,Ibegtheprivilegeof
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becomingyourmostattachedanddevotedfiancé.Myheartisyours.
Iawaityouranswer.Burke
Ireaditonce,thenagain,mildlydisoriented,asiftheletterhe’dslippedtomeearlierhadbeenswappedfor
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thisonethathadnothingatalltodowithme.Heseemedentertainedbymyconfusion.Hesaid,“Yourparentswillwantyoutowaitandgiveyouranswerafteryou’veconsultedwiththem.”
“Iacceptyourproposal,”Isaid,smilingathim,overwhelmedwithaqueermixtureofjubilationandrelief.Iwouldbemarried!IwouldnotenduplikeAunt
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AmeliaJane.Hewasright,though,
MotherwouldbehorrifiedI’dansweredwithouthersay-so,butIdidn’tdoubtmyparents’response.Afterswallowingtheirdisapproval,theywouldseizeuponthemiracleofBurkeWilliams’proposallikeitwasthecureforadreaddisease.
Wewalkedalongthecarriageway,myarmlooped
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inhis.Alittletremorwasrunningribtoribtoribinsideofme.Abruptly,hesteeredmeoffthepathtowardacamelliagrove.Wedisappearedintotheshadowsthathunginswathsbetweenthehuge,floweringbushes,andwithoutpreamble,hekissedmefullonthemouth.Irearedback.“...Why...why,yousurpriseme.”
“MyLove,we’reengaged
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now,suchlibertiesareallowed.”
Hedrewmetohimandkissedmeagain.Hisfingersmovedalongtheedgeofmydécolletage,brushingmyskin.Ididn’tentirelysurrender,butIallowedBurkeWilliamsagreatamountoffreedomduringthatsmallpeccadillointhecamelliagrove.WhenImusteredmyselffinally,
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pullingfromhisembrace,hesaidhehopedIdidn’tholdhisardoragainsthim.Ididnot.Iadjustedmydress.Ituckedvagrantpiecesofhairbackintomyupsweptcoif.Suchlibertiesareallowednow.
Aswewalkedbacktothehouse,Ifixedmyeyesonthepath,howitwasriddledwithpeacockexcrementandpebblesshininginthemoon’s
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light.Thismarriage,itwouldbelife-enough,wouldn’tit?Surely.Burkewasspeakingaboutthenecessityofalongengagement.Ayear,hesaid.
Aswedrewneartheporch,ahorsewhinnied,andthenamansteppedfromthefrontdoorandlithispipe.ItwasMr.Drayton,Thomas’father-in-law.
“Sarah?”hesaid.“Isthatyou?”Hiseyesshiftedto
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Burkeandbacktome.Alockofmyhairflutteredguiltilyatmyshoulder.“Where’veyoubeen?”Iheardthereproof,thealarm.“Areyouallright?”
“...Iam...weareengaged.”Myparentsweren’tyetinformed,andI’dheraldedthenewstoMr.Drayton,whomIbarelyknew,hopingitwouldexcusewhateverhismindimagined
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weweredoingoutthere.“Wetookaquickturnin
thenightair,”Burkesaid,trying,itseemed,tobringsomenormalcytothemoment.
Mr.Draytonwasnofool.Hegazedatme,plainSarah,returningfroma“turninthenight”withastartlinglyhandsomeman,lookingflushedandslightlyunkempt.“Well,then,congratulations.
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Yourhappinessmustbeawelcomerespiteforyourfamilygiventhisrecenttroubleofyourfather’s.”
WasFather’stroublecommonknowledge,then?
“HassomemisfortunefallenuponJudgeGrimké?”Burkeasked.
“Sarahhasn’ttoldyou?”“...IsupposeI’vebeen
toodistressedtospeakofit,”Isaid.“...Butplease,sir,
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informhimonmybehalf.Itwouldbeaservicetome.”
Mr.Draytontookadraughtfromhispipeandblewthespicysmokeintothenight.“Iregrettosaythejudge’senemiesseektoremovehimfromthecourt.Impeachmentchargeshavebeenbrought.”
Iletmybreathout.Icouldn’timagineagreaterhumiliationforourfather.
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“Onwhatgrounds?”Burkeasked,properlyoutraged.
“Theysayhehasgrownbiasedandoverlyrighteousinhisjudgments.”Hehesitated.“Theychargeincompetence.Ah,butitisallpolitics.”Hewavedhishanddismissively,andIwatchedthebowlofhispipeflareinthesmallwind.
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AnyflickerofgladnessImight’vehopedforfrommyfamilyaboutmyengagement,anyretributionImight’vefearedforacceptingtheproposalwithoutpermission,wasswallowedbyFather’strial.Mother’sreactiontomyannouncementwassimply,“Welldone,Sarah,”asifreviewingoneofmyembroiderysamplers.Fatherdidnotrespondatall.
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Throughoutthewinter,hesequesteredinthelibrarydayandnightwithThomas,Frederick,andMr.DanielHuger,alawyerfriendofFather’swhowasknownforlegallyevisceratinghisopponents.Myhearingwasalmostpreternatural,cultivatedbyyearsofunsanctionedlistening,andIcaughtscrapsofconversationwhilesittingatthecardtable
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inthemainpassage,pretendingtoread.
John,you’vereceivednomoney,nofavors.Youareaccusedofnothingthatrisestothelevelofhighcrimes.
Isn’tachargeofincompetencebadenough?Theyaccusemeofbeingbiased!Thestreetsandthepapersarefullofit.I’mruined,regardless.
Father,youhavefriends
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inthelegislativechamber!Don’tbeafool,Thomas,
whatIhaveareenemies.Schemingbastardsfromtheupcountry,seekingthebenchforthemselves.
Theycannotpossiblygetatwo-thirdsmajority.
Makemeatofthem,Daniel,doyouhearme?Feedthemtothedogs.
WhenthetrialwasheardthatspringintheHouseof
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RepresentativesinColumbia,Mr.HugerassailedFather’senemieswithavengeance,layingbaretheirpoliticalconnivingwithsuchforceFatherwasacquittedinasingleday,butthevotewasominouslyclose,andhereturnedtoCharleston,vindicated,butdirtied.
Atfifty-nine,Fatherwassuddenlyaveryoldman.Hisfacehadturnedhaggardand
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hisclothesbaggyasifhe’dwiltedinsidethem.Atremorappearedinhisrighthand.
Asthemonthspassed,Burkepaidcourtingcallstomeweeklyinthewithdrawingroom,wherewewereallowedunchaperonedvisits.Hefilledtheserendezvouswiththesamefeverandexcesswe’dsharedinthecamelliagrove,andIcomplied,drawinglinesthe
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bestIcould.IcounteditGod’smiracleweweren’tdiscovered,thoughI’msureourinvisibilitywasnotduetoGod,buttothefamily’sdistraction.Fathercontinuedtoshuffleandshrivelandtuckhishandinhispockettohideitsshake.Heturnedintoarecluseofaman.AndI,IturnedintoaJezebelofawoman.
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HandfulMaumacouldn’tsleep.Shewasupfussingroundthecellarroomlikeusual.Shedidn’tknowthemeaningofthewordsquietasamouse.
Iwaslayinginthestrawbedwe’dalwayssleptin,wonderingwhatwasonhermindthistime.I’dstopped
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sleepingontheflooroutsideSarah’sroomalongtimeback,justdecideditonmyown,andnobodysaidawordaboutit,notevenmissus.Duringthoseyears,hermeannesswashitandmiss.
Maumadraggedthechairovertothehigh-upwindowsoshecouldcraneherneckandseeapieceofskybeyondthewall.Iwatchedhowshesatthereandstudiedit.
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Mostofherwakingnights,shewouldlightthelampandsewherstoryquilt.She’dbeenworkingonthosequiltsquaresbitsatatimeformorethantwoyears.“IfthereafireandIain’there,that’swhatyouget,”she’dsay.“Yousavethesquarescausetheypiecesofmesamelikethemeatonmybones.”
Ipesteredherallthetimewantingtoseethesquares
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she’dfinished,butsheheldfirm.Maumalovedagoodsurprise.Shewantedtounveilherquiltliketheydidmarblestatues.ShehadputherhistoryonaquiltliketheFonpeople,andshemeanttoshowitallatonce,notpiecemeal.
Thedaybefore,she’dtoldme,“Youwait.I’m’boutreadytorolldowntheframeandstartquiltingitall
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together.”Shekeptthesquares
lockedinawoodtrunkshe’ddraggedfromthestoreroominthebasement.Thetrunkhadabad,mustysmelltoit.Insidewe’dfoundmold,deadmoth-eggs,andalittlekey.Shecleanedthetrunkwithlinseedoil,thenlockedthesquaresinside,wrappedinmuslin.Iguessedshelockedourfreedommoneyinthere
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too,causerightafterthatthebillsdisappearedfromthegunnysack.
LasttimeI’dcounted,she’dsavedupfourhundreddollarseven.
Layinginbednow,Ididthenumberinginmyhead—weneededsixhundredfiftymoredollarstobuythebothofus.
Ibrokethequiet.“Isthishowyougonnabeallnight—
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sitinthedarkandstareupataholeinthewall?”
“It’ssomethingtodo.Goonbacktosleep.”
Gobacktosleep—thatwasalotofuseless.
“Wheredoyoukeepthekeytothechest?”
“Isthathowyougonbe?Laytherefigurin’howtopeekatmyquilt?Thekeyhidonthebackofnowhere.”
Iletitbe,andmymind
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driftedofftoSarah.Ididn’tcareforthisMr.
Williams.Theonlythinghe’deversaidtomewas,“Removeyourselfhastily.”I’dbeenbuildingafireinthedrawingroomsothemancouldgethimselfwarm,andthat’swhathehadtosay,Removeyourselfhastily.
Icouldn’tseeSarahmarriedtohimanymorethanIcouldseemyselfmarriedto
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Goodis.Hestilltrailedafterme,wantingyouknowwhat.Maumasaid,tellhim,gojumpinthelake.
Yesterday,Sarahhadasked,“WhenImarry,wouldyoucomewithmetolive?”
“Leavemauma?”Realquick,she’dsaid,
“Oh,youdon’thaveto...Ijustthought...Well,I’llmissyou.”
Eventhoughwedidn’t
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havethatmuchtosaytoeachotheranymore,Ihatedtothinkaboutusparting.“IreckonI’llmissyou,too,”Itoldher.
Crosstheroom,maumasaid,“HowoldyoureckonIis?”Sheneverdidknowherageforsure,didn’thavearecord.“SeemsIhadyouwhenI’m’boutthesameoldasyounow,andyounineteen.Whatthatmake
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me?”Icounteditinmyhead.
“You’rethirty-eight.”“Thatain’ttooold,”she
said.Westayedlikethata
while,maumastaringatthewindow,mullingoverherage,andmelayinginthebedwideawakenow,whenshecriedout,“Look,Handful!Lookahere!”Sheleapttoherfeet,bouncingonherknees.
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“Therego’notherone!”Iboltedfromthebed.“Thestars,”shesaid.
“Theyfallingjustliketheydoneforyourgranny-mauma.Comeon.Hurry.”
Weyankedonourshoesandsackcoats,snatchedupanoldquilt,andwereoutthedoor,maumatearingcrosstheworkyard,metwostepsbehind.
Wespreadthequiltonthe
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groundoutintheopenbehindthespirittreeandlaydownontopofit.WhenIlookedup,thenightopenedandthestarspoureddown.
Eachtimeastarstreakedby,maumalaughedlowinherthroat.
Whenthestarsstoppedfallingandtheskywentstill,Isawherhandsrubthelittlemoundofherbelly.
AndIknewthenwhatit
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wasshewasn’ttoooldfor.
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SarahSarah,youshouldsitdown.Please.”
ThatwashowThomasbegan.Hegesturedtowardthetwochairsbesidethewindowthatoverlookedthepiazza,butitwasIalonewhosat.
Itwashalfpastnoon,and
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herewasmybrother,theaucourantofCharlestonbarristers,interruptinghislawyeringtospeakwithmeintheprivacyofmyroom.HisfacewaspalewithwhatItooktobedread.
Naturally,mymindwenttoFather.Onecouldscarcelylookathimthesedayswithoutworryingabouthim,thisthin,hollowed-outmanwiththeuncertaingaitand
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erratichand.Despitethat,there’dbeensomeimprovementlately,enoughthathe’dreturnedtohisdutiesonthebench.
Justtheweekbefore,I’dcomeuponFatherlaboringalongthemainpassagewithhiscane.IthadconjuredupanoldSundaySchoolimagefromourcatechismofLazarushobblingfromthetombwithhisshroud
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cleavingtohisankles.Father’slefthandwasshakingasifwavingtoapasserby,andbeforehesawme,hegrabbeditviolently,tryingtosubdueit.Noticingme,hesaid,“Oh,Sarah.Godisruthlesstotheaged.”Iwalkedwithhimtothebackdoor,movingwithacorrespondingslownessthatonlycalledattentiontohisfeebleness.
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“Sotellme,whenwillyoumarry?”Itwastheonlyquestionanyoneeveraskedmenow,butcomingfromFather,itbroughtmetoastandstill.I’dbeenpromisedtoBurkesincelastFebruary,andnotoncehadFatherevenmentionedit.Ihadn’tblamedhimformissingtheengagementparty,whichThomasandSallyhadgraciouslyhosted—he’dbeen
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bedriddenthen—butthere’dbeensomanymonthsofsilencesince.
“Idon’tknow,”Ianswered.“Burkeiswaitingonhisfathertoassignthebusinessovertohim.Hewantstobeintheproperposition.”
“Doeshe?”Histonewassardonic,andImadenoattempttoanswer.
Itwasdifficultnowto
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rememberthosetimeswhenFatherhadletmeplunderhisbooksandbaskedinmyspeeches.There’dbeenakindofinvisiblecordrunningbetweenusthen,andItriedtothinkexactlywhenit’dbeenbroken.Thedayheforbademebooks?Thomas’farewellparty,whenhehurledhisviciouswords?Youshameyourself.Youshameusall.Wheredidyougetthenotion
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thatyoucouldstudythelaw?“Iremindyou,Sarah,
thereisnodivorcelawinourstate,”hewassaying.“Onceyouaremarried,thecontractisindissoluble.Youareawareofthis?”
“Yes,Father,Iknow.”Henoddedwithwhat
seemedlikebleakacceptance.Thatwaswheremymind
alightedinthosefinalmomentsbeforeThomas
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deliveredhisnews,uponFatherandmylastencounterwithhim,uponhisfrailty.
“You’vealwaysbeenmyfavoritesister,”Thomassaid.“Youknowthat.Intruth,you’vebeenthefavoriteofallmysiblings.”
Hepaused,stalling,gazingthroughthewindowacrossthepiazzaintothegarden.Iwatchedadropofperspirationslidetohis
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templeandclinginthenetofwrinklesthatwasalreadyforming.Astrangeresignationsettledonme.Whateveritis,ithasalreadyhappened.
“...Please,I’mnotasfragileasyoumightthink.Tellmeplainly.”
“You’reright.Iwillsimplysayit.I’mafraidBurkeWilliamshasmisrepresentedhimselfto
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you.Ithascometomyattentionthathehasotherfemaleacquaintances.”
Withoutconsideringthehiddenentendre,Isaid,“Surely,that’snotacrime.”
“Sarah,theseacquaintances—they’realsohisfiancées.”
Iknewsuddenlywhathesaidwastrue.Somanythingsmadesensenow.Thedelayinnamingamarriagedate.The
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incessanttripshemadetovisitfamilyorconductbusiness.Thecuriousfactthatsomeonesofulloflooksandcharmhadsettledonme.
Myeyesfilled.ThomasdugforhishandkerchiefandwaitedwhileIdabbedthemdry.
“Howdidyoulearnofthis?”Iasked,composed,nodoubtprotectedbytherecoilofshock.
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“Sally’scousinFrannyinBeaufortwrotetosayshe’dattendedasoiréethereandseenBurkeopenlycourtingayoungwoman.Shedidn’tapproachhim,ofcourse,butshediddiscreetlyquestiontheyoungwoman,whotoldherBurkehadrecentlyproposed.”
Ilookeddownatmylap,tryingtoabsorbwhathe’dsaid.“Butwhy?Whywould
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hedothis?Idon’tunderstand.”
Thomassatandtookmyhands.“He’soneofthosemenwhopreyonyoungladies.Wehearofthiskindofthingnow.There’safast-setofyoungmenacquiringfiancéesinorderto—”Hepaused.“Tolurewomenintosexualliaisons.Theyassurethewomenthatgiventhepromiseofwedlock,such
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compromisesareacceptable.”Hecouldbarelylookatme.“Itrusthedidn’ttakeadvantage—”
“No,”Isaid.“Hedidnot.”
Thomasexhaledwithreliefthatembarrassedmeinitsextravagance.
“...Yousaidfiancées.BesidetheacquaintanceinBeaufort,there’sanother?”
“Yes,Ibelieveshelives
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inSavannah.”“Andhowdidyoulearn
ofthisone?Notanothercousin,Ihope.”
Hegavemeaweaksmile.“No,thisoneIheardoffromBurkehimself.Iconfrontedhimlastevening.Headmittedtobothyoungladies.”
“Youconfrontedhim?Butwhydidn’tyouletme—”
“Iwantedtospareyouthepainanddisgrace.Bothof
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ourparentsagreedyoushouldbeleftoutofit.There’snoreasonforyoutoseehimagain.I’vebrokentheengagementonyourbehalf.”
Howcouldyou?He’dusurpedanychanceIhadforpersonalretribution.Inthatmoment,IfeltmoreenragedbyThomas’babyishprotectionthanbyBurke’scruelty.Isprangtomyfeetandstoodwithmybackto
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him,almostgaggingonmouthfulsofjumbled,scathingwords.
“Iknowhowyoumustfeel,”hesaidbehindme.“Butit’sbetterthisway.”
HeknewnothingofhowIfelt.Iwantedtoshoutathimforutteringsoarrogantaclaim,butwhenIwhirledabout,IsawhiseyeswerefilledwithtearsandIforcedmyselftospeakwithcivility.
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“...Iwouldliketobealone.Please.”
Hestood.“There’sonemorething.You’llneedtowithdrawfrompublicforabrieftime.Motherbelievesthreeweekswillbesufficientforthetalktodiedown.Thenyoucanreturntosociety.”
Heleftmebythewindow,engulfedwithangerandmortification,andwithnowheretohurlitexceptat
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myself.HowcouldIhavefallenpreytosuchalasciviousperson?WasIsobesotted,soneedy,soblindthatIimaginedhelovedme?Icouldseemyselfintheglareofthewindow,theflushed,roundface,Father’slongnose,thepaleeyes,themis-coloredhair.I’dclippedapieceofthathairforhim.Hemusthavelaughedatthat.
Iwenttomydeskand
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retrievedtheletterwithhisproposalofmarriage.Ididn’treaditagain,ItoreitintoasmanypiecesasIcouldmanage.Thetattersfellontothedesktopandtherugandthefoldsofmyskirt.
Itwasthetimeofyearwhenmigratingcrowswheeledacrossthesky,thunderousflocksthatmovedlikeasingleveil,andIheardthem,outthereinthewild
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chirrupingair.Turningtothewindow,Iwatchedthebirdsfilltheskybeforedisappearing,andwhentheairwasstillagain,Iwatchedtheemptyplacewheretheyhadbeen.
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HandfulSarahwasupinherroomwithherheartbrokesobad,Binahsaidyoucouldhearitjanglewhenshewalked.Herbrother,Thomas,hadn’tevengothishatontoleavebeforethewholehouseknewwhathappened.Mr.Williamshadhimselftwomorefiancées.
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Nowwhohastoremovehimselfhastily?
Cometeatimethatday,missussaidtoTomfry,“Sarahwillnotbereceivingvisitorsforthenextthreeweeks.Explaintoanycallersthatsheisindisposed.Indisposed,Tomfry.That’sthewordIwouldlikeyoutouse.”
“Yessum.”Missussawmehovering.
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“Quitdawdling,Hetty,andtakeatraytoSarah’sroom.”
Ifixedit,butIknewshewouldn’ttouchabite.Igotthehyssopteasheliked,thinkingofuswhenwewerelittle,howwedrankitontheroof,hertellingmeaboutthesilverbuttonandthebigplanshehad.I’dwornthatbuttoninmyneckpouchalmosteverydaysinceshe’dtosseditaway.
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Islippedintothewarmingkitchen,slidoffthepouch,anddugthebuttonout.Itwasfulloftarnish.Lookedlikeabigshriveledgrape.Istudieditaminute,thenIgotoutthepolishandrubbedittillitgleamed.
Sarahwassittingatherdesk,writinginanotebook.HereyesweresorawfromcryingIdidn’tknowhowshecouldseetowrite.Isetthe
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trayinfrontofher.Isaid,“Lookwhat’sontheteasaucer.”
Shehadn’tlaideyesonthebuttoninalltheseyears,butsheknewrightoffwhatitwas.“Howdid...Why,Handful,yousavedit?”
Shedidn’ttouchit.Onlystared.
Isaid,“Awrightthen,thereitis,”andwenttothedoor.
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SarahThefollowingmorning,despitemyprotests,MothersentNinaofftospendthedaywithoneofthelittleSmithgirls,whosefamilylivedablockorsofromtheWorkHouse.DuringNina’slastvisitthere,she’dheardscreamsfloatingonthe
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breezesandhadleaptupinalarm,scatteringjackstonesacrossthepiazza.Atthetime,mysisterknewnothingofCharleston’storturechamber—I’dtriedtoprotectherfromit—buttheSmithboyshadnosuchscruples.Theyinformedherthatthecriessheheardcamefromaslaveinthewhippingroom,describingitforherinluriddetail.Apparentlytherewasacrane
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withpulleysbywhichtheslaves’boundhandsweredrawnovertheirheads,whiletheirfeetwerechainedtoaplank.Theboystoldherofotherhorrors,too,whichshereportedtomethroughsobs,storiesaboutthesplittingofearsandtheremovalofteeth,aboutspikedcollarsandsomesortofbirdcagecontraptionthatwaslockedoveraslave’shead.
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I’dassuredNinashewouldn’thavetogoback.Butnow,withFather’scareerindirestraits,Motherwasnotaboveusingaseven-year-oldtomakeaninroadwiththepoliticallypowerfulSmiths.
TherainbegantofallnotlongafterNinaleft,atorrentcomingatthepeakofhightide,turningthestreetsintocanalsofmud.Byearlyafternoon,afterthestormhad
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blownouttosea,Icouldbearitnolonger.IputonMary’soldblackridinghatwiththeveilsandslippedoutthebackdoor,determinedtocollectmysisternomatterthecost.
Sabewasn’tinthestable,onlyGoodis,whichseemedjustaswellasIfeltIcouldtrusthimmore.“Ijustthefootman,Iain’tmeanttodrivethecarriage,”hetoldme.Ittooksomedoing,butI
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convincedhimitwasanerrandofgreaturgency,andoffwesetinthenewcabriolet.
Thecitywasabuzzthatdaywithtalkofanastralevent—acometstorm,itwassaid.EvensensiblepeoplelikeFatherandThomashadbeenspeakingabouttheapocalypse,butIknewmyscandalwithBurkewasbeingdiscussedinparlors
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throughoutCharlestonwithmorefervorthantheendoftheworld.Thecabrioletwasnewenough,however,tobeunfamiliaronthestreets,andwithitshoodupandMary’shaton,Ididn’tseehowIcouldberecognized.Withanyluck,MotherwouldneverknowI’dbrokenmyseclusion.
FeelinganxiousaboutNina,Iclosedmyeyesand
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imaginedscoopingherintomyarms.Thentherewasaterriblejolt,andthecarriagecametoashudderingstoponComingStreet,therightwheelsunkintoamudhole.
Goodiscoaxedthehorsewiththewhip,thenclimbeddownandtuggedatthebridleandcollar.Themare,knownforherkeenspiritofrevenge,jerkedherheadandsteppedbackward,sinkingthe
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carriagefurther.IheardGoodisquietlycurse.
Hewenttotherearofthecarriageandshoved,causingittorockforwardalittle,butnothingmore.“Stayputwhereyouis,”hetoldme.“Igongetussomehelp.”
Ashelumberedoff,Isurveyedthestreet.Despitethesogginess,therewereladiesoutstrolling,menhuddledinconclaves,Negro
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hawkerscarryingtroughsofshrimpandbasketsofFrenchcoconutpatties.Ireachedupnervouslyandtouchedtheveilatmyface,anditwasatthatmomentIglimpsedCharlotte,walkingtowardBullStreet.
Shepickedherwaylikearopewalker,movingalonganarrowshelfofgrassthatranbesideabrickwall.Sheworeherredbandanalowonher
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foreheadandcarriedabasketbulgingwithcloth,unawareofmeorofthefinelydressedwomanwithwhiteskinwhoapproachedheronthesamegrassyledgefromtheoppositedirection.Oneofthemwouldbeforcedtoturnaroundandretraceherstepsallthewaybacktowherethebrickwallbegan,orelseyieldwaybysteppingoffintothemuddyroadway.Face-offsof
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thissortplayedoutonthestreetssoregularlyacityordinancehadbeenpassedrequiringslavestogivedeference.HadtheslavebeenanyoneotherthanCharlotte—haditbeenBinah,Aunt-Sister,Cindie,evenHandful—Iwouldn’thaveworriedsomuch,butCharlotte.
Thetwowomenstoppedafewfeetapart.Thewhitewomanliftedherparasoland
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tappedCharlotte’sarm.Movealongnow.Offwithyou.
Ididn’tdetecttheslightestmovementinCharlotte.Sheseemedtosolidifyasshestoodthere.Thewoman’sumbrellathumpedatheragain:Shoo.Shoo.
TheyexchangedwordsIdidn’tunderstand,theirvoicesrising,turningintojaggedantlersovertheir
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heads.IlookedaroundfranticallyforGoodis.
AmanwearingaCityGuarduniformreinedhishorseinthemiddleofthestreet.“Stepaside,Negress,”heyelled.Heclimbedfromhishorse,handingthereinstoaslaveboywho’dwandereduppullingadray.
Beforetheguardcouldreachthescene,Charlotteswungherbasket.Itmovedin
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anarc,spillingwhatIrealizedwerebonnets,thencrashingagainstthewoman’sarm,knockinghersideways.Themudinthestreetwaslikepudding,viscousandpale-brownastapioca,andwhenthewomanlanded,perfectlyseated,itmadealittlewaveoneithersideofher.
IleaptfromthecarriageandrantowardthemwithnothoughtofwhatImightdo.
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TheguardsmanhadseizedCharlottebythearms,assistedbyanothermanwhomhe’denlisted.Theydraggedherdownthestreet,whileshespitandclawed.
IchasedthemallthewaytoBeaufainwherethemencommandeeredawagonandforcedherintotheback,pushingherflatontoherstomach.Theguardsmansatatopher.Thedriversnapped
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thereins,thehorsesjerked,andIcouldonlystandtherespatteredwiththepuddingfromthestreet.
Isweptbacktheveilsonmyhatandscreamedhername.“Charlotte!”
Hereyesfoundme.Shedidnotmakeasound,butheldmygazeasthewagonrolledaway.
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HandfulMaumadisappearedtwodaysafterwewatchedthestarsfall.
Wewerestandingintheworkyardnearthebackgate.Shehadtheredscarfonherheadandworehergooddress,theonedyedindigo.Herapronwaspressedtoa
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crisp.She’doiledherlipsandborrowedBinah’scowrieshellbraceletstodressupherwrists.Inthesunlightherskinhadagoldlusterandhereyesshinedlikeriverrocks.That’showIseehernowinmydreams,withthelookshehadthen.Almosthappy.
Shepinnedonherslavebadge,fullofhaste.She’dgotpermissiontodeliverherfresh-madebonnets,butI
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knewbeforethelastoneleftthebasket,she’dbeobligingthatman,Mr.Vesey.
Isaid,“Besureyourbadgeisongood.”
Maumahatedmypestering.“Itonthere,Handful.Itain’tgoin’nowhere.”
“Whataboutyourpouch?”Icouldn’tseethebulgeofitunderherdresslikeusual.Ikeptbothofour
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pouchesfreshwithscrapsfromourtree,andImeantforhertowearit,whatwithmegoingtoallthattroubleandherneedingalltheprotectionshecouldget.Shefisheditupfromherbosom.Herfingershadfadedsmudgesonthemfromthecharcoalpowdershe’dusedtotracedesignsonherbonnets.
Iwantedtosaymoretoher.Why’reyouwearingthe
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gooddresswithallthatmudoutthere?Whenareyouplanningontellingmeaboutthebaby?Nowwegottobuyfreedomforthethreeofus?ButIshovedallthistothesideforlater.
IlingeredwhileTomfryunlockedthebackgateandletherout.Aftershesteppedthroughtothealley,sheturnedroundandlookedatme,thenwalkedonoff.
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Aftermaumaleftthatday,Idideverythingusual.Cutsleevesandcollarsforthemenslavestohaveworkshirts,gotbusyonmissus’splashers,thesesquaresofclothyoutackupbehindthewashstandscauseLordforbidyougetadropofwateronthewall.Eachandeveryonehadtobeembroideredtothehilt.
Middleoftheafternoon,I
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wentouttotheprivy.Thesunhadstayedput,andtheskywasblueascornflowers.Aunt-Sisterwasinthekitchenhousebakingwholeappleswithcustardpouredroundthem,what’scalledabirdnestpudding,andthatwholesmellwasintheair.Iwasonmywaybackinside,relishingthesweetairafterbeinginthelatrine,whenthecarriagecameflyingthrough
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thegatewithSarahandNina,bothofthemlookingscaredtopieces.Andlookwhowasdriving.Goodis.Whenitrolledtoastop,theirfeethitthegroundrunning.Theypassedmewithoutawordandstruckforthehouse.ThelittlegraytravelingcapeI’dsewedNinaflappedbehindherlikeadovewing.
Goodisgavemealonglookofpitybeforehetugged
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thehorseinsidethestable.Whenthelongshadows
started,Isatontheporchstepstothekitchenhouseandwatchedthegateformauma.Crosstheyard,Goodisheldvigilwithmeinthestabledoor,whittlingonapieceofwood.HeknewsomethingIdidn’t.
Theapple-eggswerestillintheairwhenAunt-SisterandPhoebecleanedupand
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blewoutthelamps.Thedarkcame,andnomoon.
Sarahfoundmehunchedonthesteps.Shesatdownclosenexttome.“...Handful,”shesaid.“...Iwantedtobetheonetotellyou.”
“It’smauma,ain’tit?”“Shegotinadisputewith
awhitelady...Theladywantedhertogivewayonthestreet.Sheproddedyour
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motherwithanumbrella,and...youknowyourmother,shewouldn’tstandaside.She...shestruckthelady.”Sarahsighedintothedark,andtookholdofmyhand.“TheCityGuardwasthere.Theytookheraway.”
AllthistimeI’dbeenwaitingforhertosaymaumawasdead.Hopecamebackintome.“Whereisshe?”
Sarahlookedawayfrom
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methen.“...That’swhatI’vebeentryingtodiscover...Wedon’tknowwheresheis...TheyweretakinghertotheGuardHouse,butwhenThomaswenttopaythefine,hewastoldCharlottehadmanagedtowrestlefree...Apparently,sheranoff...TheysaidtheGuardchasedher,butlostherinthealleys.They’reouttherelookingfor
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hernow.”AllIcouldhearwas
breathing—Sarah,Goodiscrosstheyard,thehorsesinthestable,thecreaturesinthebrush,thewhitepeopleontheirfeatherbeds,theslavesontheirlittlepalletsthinaswafers,everythingbreathingbutme.
Sarahwalkedwithmetothebasement.Shesaid,“Wouldyoulikesome
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warmedtea?Icanputalittlebrandyinit.”
Ishookmyhead.Shewantedtodrawmetoherforsolace,Icouldtell,butsheheldback.Instead,shelaidherhandgentleonmyarmandsaid,“She’llcomeback.”
Isaidthosewordsallnightlong.
Ididn’tknowhowtobeintheworldwithouther.
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SarahCharlotte’sdisappearancebroughtasevereandterriblemercy,fornotoncethroughouttheharrowingweeksthatfollowedBurke’sbetrayalwasIuncertainwhicheventwastragicandwhichwasmerelyunfortunate.
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Someone—Mother,Father,perhapsThomas—placedanadintheCharlestonMercury.
Disappeared,FemaleSlave
Mulatto.Widespacebetweenupperfrontteeth.Occasionallimp.AnswerstothenameofCharlotte.Wearingredscarfanddarkbluedress.Aseamstressofskillandvalue.BelongstoJudgeJohnGrimké.Largerewardforherreturn.
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Theappealbroughtnoresponse.
EachdayIwatchedfromthebackwindowinmyroomasHandfulwalkedarepetitivecircuitintheworkyard.Sometimesshewalkedtheentiretyofthemorning.Nevervaryingherpath,shestartedatthebackofthehouse,movedtowardthekitchenhouse,pastthelaundry,cutovertotheoak
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tree,whereshetouchedthetrunkasshepassed,thenbacktothehousebywayofthestableandcarriagehouse.Uponreachingtheporchsteps,shewouldsimplybeginagain.Itwasacircumambulationofsuchprecise,ritualisticgriefnooneinterfered.EvenMotherlefthertowalkarutofanguishintotheyard.
Ididn’tmuchmournthe
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lossofBurkeorthedemiseofourwedding.Ifeltlittleheartbreak.Wasthatnotstrange?Ididcrybuckets,butmostlyfromtheshameofitall.
Ididn’tbreakmyseclusionagain.Instead,Itookrefugeinit.
AlmostdailyIreceivednotesofconcerninfloweryscripts.Iwasbeingprayedforbyeveryoneimaginable.
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Itwashopedmyreputationwouldn’tsuffertoomuch.DidIknowthatBurkehadvacatedthecityandwasstayingindefinitelywithhisuncleinColumbia?Wasn’titashamethathismotherhadtakenillwithapoplexy?Howwasmyownmotherbearingup?Iwasmissedattea,butmyabsencewascommended.Ishouldn’tdespair,forsurelyayoungmanwouldcome
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forthwhowouldn’tbeputoffbymydisgrace.
Iwroterantsandrebukesinmydiary,thentorethemoutandburnedthemalongwithallthesuperciliousnotes.Gradually,thelavainmesubsidedandthereremainedonlyayoungwomanwhoselifecoursehadbeendemolished.UnlikeHandful,Ihadnonotionwhatpathtowalk.
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OnemonthafterCharlotte’sdisappearance,afrigidwindbroughtdownmostoftheleavesontheoak.Handfulstillwalkedobsessivelyeachmorning,butonlyaquicklooporsonow.Theweekbefore,Motherhadputastoptoherunremittingmarchandsentherbacktoherduties.Thehighsocialseasonwithitsquotaofgownsawaited—
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allthesewingnowfelltoHandful.Charlottewasgone.Noonebelievedshewascomingback.
I’dmanagedtostretchmythreeweeksofseclusionintofour,butonthisday,myreprieveended.Motherhadorderedmebacktomyduties,aswell:procuringahusband.She’dinformedmethatarowboattraversingtheAtlanticmighteventuallybe
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rescuedbyapassingship,butonlyiftherowboatbravelysetoutuponthewater—this,herhaplessmetaphorofmymaritalprospects.MysisterMaryarrivedwithsimilarencouragement.“Liftyourchin,Sarah.Behaveasifnothinghashappened.Begayandactassured.You’llfindahusband,Godwilling.”
Godwilling.Howstrangelythatstrikesmenow.
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Ontheeveningmysolitudeended,IshovedmyselfoutintothepublicdomainbyattendingalectureattheSecondPresbyterianChurchdeliveredbytheReverendHenryKollack,afamedpreacher.ThosewerenotthewatersMotherhadinmind.TheEpiscopalChurchmightpassforsociety,butcertainlynotthePresbyterianswiththeir
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revivalismandshoutsforrepentance—butshedidn’tobject.Iwasatleastrowing,wasn’tI?
Sittinginapewbesidethedevoutfriendwho’dinvitedme,Iscarcelylistenedatfirst.Words—sin,moraldegradation,retribution—flittedinandoutofmyawareness,butatsomepointduringthathour,Ibecamemorbidlyengrossed.
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Thereverend’seyesfoundme—Ican’texplainit.Nordidhelookawayashespoke.“Areyounotsickofthefrivolousbeingyouhavebecome?Areyounotmortifiedatyourownfolly,wearyoftheballroomanditsgildedtoys?Willyounotgiveupthevanitiesandgaietiesofthislifeforthesakeofyoursoul?”
Ifeltutterlyspokento,
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andinthemostdirectandsupernaturalway.Howcouldheknowwhatlayinsideme?HowdidheknowwhatIwasonlythatmomentabletoseemyself?
“Godcallsyou,”hebellowed.“God,yourbeloved,begsyoutoanswer.”
Thewordsravishedme.Theyseemedtobreakdownsomegreatartifice.Isatonthepewquietlyshakenwhile
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ReverendKollacklookedatmenowwithoutfocusorinterest,andperhapsithadbeensoallalong,butitdidn’tmatter.He’dbeenGod’smouthpiece.He’ddeliveredmetotheprecipicewhereone’sonlychoicewasbetweenparalysisorabandon.
Withthereverendprayingalong,earnestprayerforoursouls,Itookmyleap.I
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vowedIwouldnotreturntosociety.Iwouldnotmarry,Iwouldnevermarry.Letthemsaywhattheywould,IwouldgivemyselftoGod.
Twoweekslater,onmytwentiethbirthday,Ienteredthedrawingroom,wherethefamilyhadgatheredtooffermewellwishes,accompaniedbyNina,whoclungtomy
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hand.SeeingthatI’dchosentowearoneofmysimplerdressesandnojewelry,MarysmiledatmesadlyasifIworethecostumeofanun.IgatheredMotherhadconfidedmyreligiousconversiontomysisters,perhapstomyfatherandbrothers,aswell.
Aunt-Sisterhadbakedmyfavoreddessert,atwo-tieredelectioncake,filledwithcurrantsandsugar.Such
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cakesweremoldedonaboardwithyeastandlefttorise,iftheysoelected,andthisonehaddonesowithmajesty.NinaprancedaboutitimpatientlyuntilMothersignaledAunt-Sistertocuttheslices.
Fatherwasseatedwithmybrothers,whowereengagedinadebateofsomesort.Edgingtothefringes,IdeterminedthatThomashad
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evokedtheirwrathbypromotingaprogramknownascolonization.FromwhatIcouldgather,thetermhadlittletodowiththeBritishoccupationofthelastcenturyandeverythingtodowiththeslaves.
“...What’sthisconcept?”Iasked,andtheyturnedtomeasifahouseflyhadpriedthroughaslatintheshuttersandwasbuzzing
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wantonlyabout.“It’sanewandadvanced
idea,”Thomasanswered.“Despitewhatanyofyoubelieve,itwillsoonexpandintoanationalmovement.Markmywords.”
“Butwhatisit?”Isaid.“Itproposeswefreethe
slavesandsendthembacktoAfrica.”
Nothinghadpreparedmeforsoradicalascheme.“...
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Why,that’spreposterous!”Myreactiontookthemby
surprise.EvenHenryandCharles,nowthirteenandtwelve,gapedatme.“Christpreserveus,”saidJohn.“Sarahisagainstit!”
HeassumedI’doutgrownmyrebellionsandbecomeliketherestofthem—aguardianofslavery.Icouldn’tfaulthimforit.Whenwasthelasttimeany
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ofthemhadheardmespeakoutagainstthepeculiarinstitution?I’dbeenwanderingaboutintheenchantmentsofromance,afflictedwiththeworstfemalecurseonearth,theneedtomoldmyselftoexpectations.O
Johnwaslaughing.AfireragedonthegrateandFather’sfacewasbrightandsweating.Hewipedatitand
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joinedthemirth.“Yes,Iamagainst
colonization,”Ibegan.Therewasnofalternowinmythroat.Iforcedmyselftokeepon.“I’magainstit,butnotforthereasonyouthink.Weshouldfreetheslaves,buttheyshouldremainhere.Asequals.”
Anoddintermezzoensuedduringwhichnoonespoke.There’dbeen
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mountingtalkfromcertainclergyandpiouswomenabouttreatingslaveswithChristiansympathy,andnowandthensomeraresoulwouldspeakoffreeingtheslavesaltogether.Butequality,ludicrous!
Bylaw,aslavewasthree-fifthsofaperson.ItcametomethatwhatI’djustsuggestedwouldseemparamounttoproclaiming
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vegetablesequaltoanimals,animalsequaltohumans,womenequaltomen,menequaltoangels.Iwasupendingtheorderofcreation.Strangestofall,itwasthefirsttimethoughtsofequalityhadenteredmyhead,andIcouldonlyattributeittoGod,withwhomI’dlatelytakenupandwhowasprovingtobemoreinsurrectionarythanlaw-
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abiding.O“Mygoodness,didyou
learnthisfromthePresbyterians?”Fatherasked.“Aretheysayingslavesshouldliveamongusasequals?”Thequestionwassarcastic,meantformybrothersandforthemomentitself,yetIansweredhim.
“No,Father,I’msayingit.”
AsIspoke,arushof
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picturesspilledthroughmymind,allofthemHandful.Shewastiny,wearingthelavenderbowonherneck.Shewasfillingthehousewithsmoke.Shewaslearningtoread.Shewassippingteaontheroof.Isawhertakingherlash.Wrappingtheoakwithstolenthread.Bathinginthecoppertub.Sewingworksofpureart.Walkingbereavedcircles.Isaweverythingasit
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was.
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HandfulMaumawasgonesureasI’msittinghereandIcouldn’tdoathingbutwalktheyardtryingtosiphonmysorrow.Thesorrytruthisyoucanwalkyourfeettoblisters,walktillkingdom-come,andyouneverwilloutpaceyourgrief.ComeDecember,I
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stoppedallthat.Ihaltedinmytrackbythewoodpilewhereweusedtofeedthelittleowlwaybackthen,andIsaidoutloud,“Damnyouforsavingyourself.Howcomeyouleftmewithnothingbuttoloveyouandhateyou,andthat’sgonnakillme,andyouknowitis.”
ThenIturnedround,wentbacktothecellarroom,andpickedupthesewing.
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Don’tthinkshewasn’tineverystitchIworked.Shewasinthewindandtherainandthecreakingfromtherocker.Shesatonthewallwiththebirdsandstaredatme.Whendarknessfell,shefellwithit.
Oneday,beforetheystartedtheDaysofChristmasinthehouse,Ilookedatthewoodtrunkonthefloor,shovedbehindmauma’s
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gunnysack.Isaid,“Now,where’d
yougoandputthekey?”IhadgotwhereItalkedto
herallthetime.LikeIwouldsay,Ididn’thearhertalkback,soIhadn’tlostmysanities.Iturnedtheroomupsidedownandthekeywasnowhere.Itcould’vebeeninherpocketwhenshewentmissing.Wehadanaxeintheyardshed,butIhatedtochop
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thetrunkapart.Isaid,“IfIwasyou,wherewouldIhidethekeythatlockeduptheonlypreciousthingsIhad?”
Istoodthereawhile.Then,Iliftedmyeyestotheceiling.Tothequiltframe.Thewheelsonthepulleywerefreshwithoil.Theydidn’tmakeapeepwhenIbroughttheframedown.Sureenough.Thekeywaslayinginagroovealongoneofthe
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boards.Insidethetrunkwasafat
bundlewrappedinmuslin.Ipeeledbackthefoldsandyoucouldsmellmauma,thatsaltysmell.Ihadtotakeaminutetocry.Iheldherquiltsquaresagainstme,thinkinghowshesaidtheywerethemeatonherbones.
Thereweretengood-sizesquares.Ispreadthemoutcrosstheframe.Thecolors
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she’dusedoutdidGodandtherainbow.Reds,purples,oranges,pinks,yellows,blacks,andbrowns.Theyhitmyearsmorethanmyeyes.Theysoundedlikeshewaslaughingandcryinginthesamebreath.Itwasthefinestworkevertocomefrommauma’shands.
Thefirstsquareshowedhermaumastandingsmall,holdinghermaumaand
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daddy’shandsandthestarsfallingroundthem—thatwasthenightmygranny-maumagotsoldaway,thenightthestorystarted.
Therestwasahotchpotch,somesquaresIcouldfigure,someIcouldn’t.Therewasawomanhoeinginthefields—Iguessedhertobemygranny-mauma,too—wearingaredheadscarf,andababy,mymauma,was
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layinginthegrowingplants.Slavepeoplewereflyingintheairovertheirheads,disappearingbehindthesun.
Nextonewasalittlegirlsittingonathree-legstoolappliquéingaquilt,redwithblacktriangles,someofthetrianglesspillingonthefloor.Isaid,“Iguessthat’syou,butitcouldbeme.”
Fourthonehadaspirittreeonitwithredthreadon
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thetrunk,andthebrancheswerefilledwithvultures.Maumahadsewedawomanandbabyboyontheground—youcouldtellitwasaboyfromhisprivates.Ifiguredtheyweremygranny-maumawhenshediedandherboythatdidn’tmakeit.Bothweredeadandpickedbloody.Ihadtowalkoutinthecoldairafterthatone.Youcomefromyourmauma,yousleep
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inthebedwithhertillyou’reneartwentyyearsgrown,andyoustilldon’tknowwhathaunchesinthedarkcornersofher.
Icamebackinsideandstudiedthenextone—ithadamaninthefield.Hehadabrownhaton,andtheskywasfullofeyessittingintheclouds,bigyelloweyesandredrainfallingfromthelids.Thatmanismydaddy,
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Shanney,Isaidtomyself.Oneafterthatwasmauma
andababygirlstretchedonthequiltframe.Iknewthatgirlwasme,andourbodieswerecutinpieces,brightpatchesthatneededpiecingback.Itmademyheadsickanddizzytolookatit.
Anothersquarewasmaumasewingawildpurpledresscoveredwithmoonsandstars,onlyshewasdoing
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itinamouse-hole,thewallsbentoverher.
Goingpicturetopicture,feltlikeIwasturningpagesinabookshe’dleftbehind,onethatheldherlastwords.Somewherealongtheway,Istoppedfeelinganything,likewhenyoulayonyourarmwrongandwakeupandit’spinsandneedles.Istartedlookingattheappliquésthathadtakenmaumatwoyears
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tosewliketheydidn’thaveanybelongingtome,causethatwastheonlywayIcouldbeartoseethem.Iletthemfloatbylikepanesoflight.
Herewasmaumawithherleghitchedupbehindherwithastrap,standingintheyardgettingtheone-leggedpunishment.Herewasanotherspirittreesameliketheotherone,butitwasours,anditdidn’thavevultures,
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onlygreenleavesandagirlunderneathwithabookandawhipcomingdowntostrikeher.
Lastsquarewasaman,abullofamanwithacarpenterapronon—Mr.DenmarkVesey—andnexttohimshe’dstitchedfournumbersbigashewas:1884.Ididn’thaveanotionwhatthatmeant.
Iwentstraightto
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stitching.Hellwithmissusandhergowns.Allthatdayandfarinthenight,Ipiecedmauma’ssquarestogetherwiththetinystitchesyoucan’tbarelysee.Isewedontheliningandfilledthequiltwiththebestpaddingwe’dsavedandthewholecollectionofourfeathers.ThenItookshearstomyhairandcuteverybitofitoffmyhead,downtoascalpoffuzz.
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Iloosedthecuthairallthroughthestuffing.
That’swhenIrememberedaboutthemoney.Eightyears,saving.Iwentoverandlookeddowninthetrunkanditwasemptyasair.Fourhundreddollars,gonesameasmauma.AndI’drunoutofplacestolook.Icouldn’tdrawabreath.
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Nextday,afterI’dsleptalittle,Isewedthelayersofthequilttogetherwithatackingstitch.ThenIwrappedthefinishquiltroundmelikeaglorycloak.IworeitoutintotheyardwhereAunt-Sisterwasbundledupchoppingcanesugar,andshesaid,“Girl,whatyougotonyou?What’dyoudotoyourhead?”
Ididn’tsaynothing.I
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walkedbacktothetreewithmybreathtrailingclouds,andIwrappednewthreadroundthetrunk.
Thenthenoisecameintothesky.Thecrowswereflyingoverandsmokefromthechimneysrisingtomeetthem.
“Thereyougo,”Isaid.“Thereyougo.”
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PARTTHREEOctober1818–November1820
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HandfulSomedaysI’dbecomingdownEastBayandcatchsightofawomanwithcinnamonskinslippingroundacorner,asnatchofredscarfonherhead,andI’dsay,Thereyouareagain.Iwastwenty-fiveyearsoldandstilltalkingtoher.
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EveryOctoberontheanniversary-dayofmaumagoingmissing,usslavessatinthekitchenhouseandreminiscedonher.Ihatedtoseethatdaycomedragginground.
Onthesix-yearmark,Binahpattedmylegandsaid,“Yourmaumagone,butwestillhere,theskyain’tfallinyet.”
No,buteveryyearone
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moreslatgotknockedoutfromunderit.
Thatevening,theydredgedupstoriesonmaumathatwentonpastsupper.Stealingtheboltofgreencloth.Hoodwinkingmissuswithherlimp.Wranglingthecellarroom.Gettingherselfhiredout.ThatwholeJesus-actshedid.Tomfrytoldaboutthetimemissushadhimsearchthepremiseand
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maumawasnowhereonit,howweslippedherinthefrontdoortotheroof,thentrumpedupthatstoryaboutherfallingasleepthere.Sameoldtales.Samelaughingandslapping.
Nowthatshewasgone,theylovedheralotbetter.
“Yousuredohavehereyes,”Goodissaid,lookingatmemoon-facelikehealwaysdid.
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Ididhavehereyes,buttherestofmehadcomefrommydaddy.Maumasaidhewasanundersizemanandblackerthanthebacksideofthemoon.
Onmysake,theyleftoutthestoriesofherpainandsorrow.Nothingaboutwhatmight’vehappenedtoher.Everyoneofthem,evenGoodis,believedshe’drunandwaslivingthehighlifeof
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freedomsomewhere.Icouldmoreeasybelieveshe’dbeenontheroofallthistime,sleeping.
Outsidethedaywasfadingoff.Tomfrysaiditwastimetolightthelampsinthehouse,butnobodymoved,andIfelttheacheforthemtoknowtherealwomanmaumawas,notjustthecunningone,buttheonesmeltedfromiron,theonewhopacedthe
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nightsandprayedtomygranny-mauma.Maumahadyearnedmoreinadaythantheyfeltinayear.She’dworkedherselftotheboneandcourteddanger,searchingforsomethingbetter.Iwantedthemtoknowthatwoman.Thatwastheonewhowouldn’tleaveme.
Isaid,“Shedidn’trunoff.Ican’thelpwhatyouthink,butshedidn’trun.”
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Theyjustsatthereandlookedatme.Youcouldseethelittlewheelsturningintheirheads:Thepoormisledgirl,thepoormisledgirl.
Tomfryspokeup,said,“Handful,thinknow.Ifshedidn’trunoff,shegottobedead.Which-a-oneyouwantustobelieve?”
Noonehadputittomethatstraightbefore.Mauma’sstoryquilthadslavesflying
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throughtheskyandslaveslayingdeadontheground,butinmywayofreckoning,maumawaslostsomewherebetweenthetwo.Betweenflyawayanddead-and-gone.
Which-a-one?Theairwasstiffasstarch.
“Notneitherone,”Itoldthemandgotupfromthereandleft.
Inmyroom,Ilaiddownonthebed,ontopofthestory
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quilt,andstaredatthequiltframestillnailedtotheceiling.Ineverlowereditanymore,butIsleptundermauma’sstorieseverynightexceptsummersandtheheatofautumn,andIknewthemfront,back,andsideways.Maumahadsewedwhereshecamefrom,whoshewas,whatsheloved,thethingsshe’dsuffered,andthethingsshehoped.She’dfoundaway
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totellit.Afterawhile,Iheard
footstepsoverhead—Tomfry,Cindie,Binahuptherelightinglamps.Ididn’thavetoworrywithSarah’slampanymore.Ijusthadsewingdutiesnow.Sometimeago,Sarahhadgivenmebacktomissus,officialonpaper.Shesaidshedidn’twantpartinowningahumanperson.She’dcomespecialtomy
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roomtotellme,sonerve-rackedshecouldn’thardlygetthewordsup.“......Iwould’vefreedyouifIcould...butthere’salaw...Itdoesn’tallowownerstoeasilyfreeslavesanymore...Otherwise,Iwouldhave...youknowthat...don’tyou?”
Afterthat,itwasplainasthefrecklesonherface—theonlywayIwasgettingaway
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frommissuswasdropdead,getsold,orfindthehid-placemaumahadgone.SomedaysImoonedoverthemoneymauma’dsaved—itneverhadturnedup.IfIcouldfindthatfortune,Icouldtryandbuymyfreedomfrommissuslikewe’dplannedon.LeastI’dhaveachance—ahorse-pissofachance,butitwouldbeenoughtokeepmegoing.
Sixyearsgone.Irolled
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overonthebed,myfacetothewindow.Isaid,“Mauma,whathappenedtoyou?”
Whenthenewyearcameround,IwasinthemarketgettingwhatAunt-SisterneededwhenIoverheardtheslavewhocleanedthebutcherstalltalkingabouttheAfricanchurch.Thisslave’snamewasJesse,agood,kindman.
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Heusedtotaketheleftoverpigbladdersandfillthemwithwaterforthechildrentohaveaballoon.Ididn’tusuallypayhimanymind—hewasalwayswagginghistongue,puttingPraisetheLordattheendofeverysentence—butthisday,Idon’tknowwhyitwas,Iwentovertheretohearwhathewassaying.
Aunt-Sisterhadtoldme
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tohurryback,thatitlookedlikesleetcoming,butIstoodtherewiththerawsmellhangingintheairwhilehetalkedaboutthechurch.IfoundoutthepropernamewasAfricanMethodistEpiscopalChurch,anditwasjustforcoloreds,slavesandfreeblackstogether,anditwasmeetinginanemptyhearsehouseneartheblackburialground.Saidtheplace
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waspackedtotherafterseverynight.
Aslavemannexttome,wearingsomeworn-out-lookinglivery,said,“Sincewhenisthecitysofool-trustingtoletslavesruntheirownchurch?”
Everybodylaughedatthat,likethejokewasonCharleston.
Jessesaid,“Well,ain’tthatthetruth,PraisetheLord.
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There’samanatthechurchwho’salwaystalking’boutMosesleadingtheslavesfromEgypt,PraisetheLord.Hesay,CharlestonisEgyptalloveragain.PraisetheLord.”
Myscalppricked.Isaid,“What’stheman’sname?”
Jessesaid,“DenmarkVesey.”
Foryears,I’drefusedtothinkofMr.Vesey,how
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maumahadsewedhimonthelastsquareonherstoryquilt.Ididn’tlikethemanbeingonit,didn’tlikethemanperiod.I’dneverthoughtheknewanythingaboutwhathappenedtoher,whywouldhe,butstandingthere,abellranginmyheadandtoldmeitwasworthatry.MaybethenIcouldputmaumatorest.
That’swhenIdecidedto
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getreligion.FirstchanceIgot,Itold
SarahIwasburdeneddownwiththeneedfordeliverance,andGodwascallingmetotheAfricanchurch.Idabbedatmyeyesalittle.
Iwascutstraightfrommymauma’scloth.
Nextday,missuscalledmetoherroom.ShewassittingbythewindowwithherBiblelaidopen.“Ithas
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cometomyattentionyouwishtojointhenewchurchthathasbeenestablishedinthecityforyourkind.Sarahinformsmeyouwanttoattendnightlymeetings.I’llallowyoutogotwiceaweekintheeveningsandonSunday,aslongasitdoesn’tinterferewithyourworkorcauseproblemsofanysort.Sarahwillprepareyourpass.”
Shelookedatmethrough
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herlittleglasses.Shesaid,“Seetoityoudon’tsquanderthefavorI’mgrantingyou.”
“Yessum.”Formeasure,Iadded,“PraisetheLord.”
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SarahIcouldn’timaginewhyNinaandIhadbeensummonedtothefirst-floordrawingroom—thatwasneveragoodthing.WeenteredtofindtheverycorpulentReverendGadsdenseatedontheyellowsilksettee,andbesidehim,Mother,squeezedwayoverto
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oneside,grippinghercaneasifshemightboreitintothefloor.GlancingatNina,who,atfourteen,wastallerthanIwas,Inoticedhereyesflashbeneaththeirthick,darklashes.Shegaveherchinatinydefiantyankupward,andforamoment,Ifeltapassingbitofpityforthereverend.
“Closethedoorbehindyou,”Mothersaid.Downthepassageway,Fatherwasinhis
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room,tooillnowtowork.Dr.Geddingshadorderedquiet,andforweeks,theslaveshadpaddedabout,speakinginwhispers,carefulnottorattleatrayforfearoftheirlives.Whenone’sphysicianprescribesquietasaremedy,alongwithasyrupmadefromhorseradishroot,hehasclearlygivenup.
ItookmyseatonthetwinsetteebesideNina,facingthe
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pairofthem.TheaccusationagainstmewouldbefailingasNina’sgodmother.Asusual.
ThispastSunday,mysisterhadrefusedconfirmationintoSt.Philip’sChurch,anditwasn’teventhatasmuchasthewayshe’ddoneit.She’dmadeapageantofit.Whentheotheryouthslefttheirchairsonthedaisandwenttothealtarrailfor
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thebishoptolayhishandsontheirsweetheads,Ninaremainedpointedlyinherseat.Ourentirefamilywasthere,exceptforFather,andIwatchedwithaconfusedmixofembarrassmentandprideasshesatwithherarmscrossed,herdarkhairgleamingaroundhershouldersandatinycircleofredblazingoneachofhercheeks.
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Thebishopwalkedoverandspoketoher,andsheshookherhead.Motherwentstiffasapieceofwroughtirononthepewbesideme,andIfelttheairinthechurchclottingaroundourheads.Therewasmorecoaxingbythebishop,moreobstinacybyNina,untilhegaveupandcontinuedtheservice.
I’dhadnoinklingwhatsheplanned,thoughperhapsI
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shouldhave—thiswasNina,afterall.Shewasfulloffieryopinionsandmutinousacts.Lastwinter,she’dscandalizedherclassroombytakingoffhershoesbecausetheslaveboy,whocleanedtheslateboards,wasbarefooted.I’dlostcountofthelettersofapologyMotherhadorderedhertowrite.Ratherthansubmit,shewouldsitbeforetheblank
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paperfordaysuntilMotherrelented.Onhereleventhbirthday,Ninahadrefusedherhumanpresentwithsuchvehemence,Motherhadgivenupoutofsheerweariness.
EvenifI’dtriedtopreventNina’sdisplayatchurchthatday,shewould’vepointedoutthatI,too,hadspurnedtheAnglicans.Well,Ihad,butI’ddonesoto
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embracethePresbyterians,whereasNinawould’vespurnedthePresbyterians,too,givenhalfachance.Shehatedthemforwhatshecalledtheir“gallandwormwood.”
Iftherewasawedgebetweenmysisterandme,itwasreligion.
Overthelastseveralyears,itseemedmyentirelifehadbeenpossessedofswings
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betweenasceticismandindulgence.I’dbanishedsocietyintheaftermathofBurkeWilliams,yes,butI’dbeenachronicbackslider,succumbingeveryseasontosomepartyorball,whichhadleftmeemptyandsickened,whichhadthensentmecrawlingbacktoGod.Ninahadoftenfoundmeonmyknees,weepingasIprayed,beggingforgiveness,engaged
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inoneofmyexcruciatingboutsofself-contempt.“Whymustyoubelikethis?”shewouldshout.
Why,indeed.Mr.Williamshadbeen
shakenfromthelapofCharlestonlikeasoilednapkin.Hewasmarriednowtohiscousin,keepingshopinhisuncle’sdrygoodsstoreinColumbia.I’dputhimbehindmelongago,butIhadn’t
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beenabletomakepeacewithlivinghereinthishousetilltheendofmydays.IhadNina,butnotformuchlonger.Ascharismaticandbeautifulasshewas,shewouldbewooedbyadozenmenandleavemeherewithMother.Itwastheubiquitoustruthatthecenterofeverything,andithaddrivenmetomybacksliding.Buttherecouldbenomoreofthat
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—attwenty-sixIwouldbetoooldforthecomingseason.Itwastrulyover,andIfeltlostandmiserable,galledandwormwood-ed,andtherewasnothingtobedoneaboutit.
Hereinthedrawingroom,ReverendGadsdenlookedreluctantanduncomfortable.Hekeptpursingandunpursinghislips.Ninasaterectbesideme,asiftosay,
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Allright,letthecastigationbegin,butunderthecoverofourskirts,shereachedformyhand.
“I’mheretodaybecauseyourmotheraskedmetoreasonwithyou.Yougaveusallashockyesterday.It’sagravethingtorejectthechurchandhersacramentsandsalvation...”
Hewentonwithhisjabber,whileNina’shand
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sweatedintomine.Shesawmyprivate
agonies,butIsawhers,too.Therewasaplaceinsideofherwhereithadallbroken.Thescreamsshe’dheardcomingfromtheWorkHousestillinhabitedher,andshewouldwakesomenights,shoutingintothedark.Sheputupaninvincibleshow,butunderneathIknewhertobebruisedandvulnerable.
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AfterMother’sscathingreprimands,shewouldvanishintoherroomforhours,emergingwithhereyesbloodshotfromweeping.
Thereverend’skindbuttediousspeechhadbeenfloatinginandoutofmyawareness.“Imustpointout,”Iheardhimsay,“thatyouareplacingyoursoulinjeopardy.”
Ninaspokeforthefirst
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time.“Pardonme,ReverendSir,butthethreatofhellwillnotmoveme.”
Mothersankhereyesclosed.“Oh,Angelina,fortheloveofGod.”
Ninahadusedthewordhell.EvenIwasalittleshockedbyit.Therectorsatbackwithresignation.Hewasdone.
Naturally,Motherwasnot.“Yourfatherliesgravely
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ill.Surelyyouknowit’shiswishthatyoubeconfirmedintothechurch.Itcouldwellbehislastwish.Wouldyoudenyhimthat?”
Ninasqueezedmyhand,strugglingtoholdontoherself.
“...Shouldshedenyherconscienceorherfather?”Isaid.
MotherdrewbackasifI’dslappedher.“Areyou
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goingtositthereandencourageyoursister’sdisobedience?”
“I’mencouraginghertobetruetoherownscruples.”
“Herscruples?”TheskinatMother’snecksplotchedlikebeetroot.Sheturnedtothereverend.“Asyousee,AngelinaiscompletelyunderSarah’ssway.WhatSarahthinks,Angelinathinks.WhatSarahscruples,shescruples.
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It’smyownfault—IchoseSarahtobehergodmother,andtothisday,sheleadsthechildastray.”
“Mother!”Ninaexclaimed.“Ithinkformyself.”
Mothershiftedhercalm,pitilessgazefromthereverendtoNinaandutteredthequestionthatwouldalwaysliebetweenus.“JustsoI’mnotconfused,when
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yousaid‘Mother’justnow,wereyoureferringtome,ortoSarah?”
Therectorsquirmedonthesetteeandreachedforhishat,butMothercontinued.“AsIwassaying,Reverend,I’matalossofhowtoundothedamage.Aslongasthetwoofthemareunderthesameroof,there’ssmallhopeforAngelina.”
Assheescortedthe
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reverendtothedoor,rainbrokelooseoutside.IfeltNinaslumpslightlyagainstme,andIpulledhertoherfeetandweslippedbehindthemupthestairs.
Inmyroom,IturnedbackthebedsheetandNinalaydown.Herfaceseemedstarkandstrangeagainstthelinenpillow.Rainwasdarkening
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thewindow,andshestaredatitwithhereyesgleaming,herbackrisingandfallingbeneathmyhand.
“DoyouthinkMotherwillsendmeaway?”sheasked.
“Iwon’tallowit,”Itoldher,thoughIhadnoideahowtostopsuchathingifMothertookitinherheadtobanishmysister.Arebelliousgirlcouldeasilybesentofftoa
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boardingschoolordeportedtoouruncle’splantationinNorthCarolina.
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HandfulDidn’tmyLorddeliverDaniel?”DenmarkVeseyshouted.
Thewholechurchanswered,“Nowhe’scomingforme.”
Must’vebeentwohundredofuspackedinthere.Iwassittinginthe
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back,intheusualspot.Folkshadstartedleavingitfreeforme,saying,“That’sHandful’splace.”FourmonthsI’dbeensittingthereandhadn’tlearnedathingaboutmauma,butIknewmorethanmissusaboutthepeopleGodhaddelivered.
Abraham,Moses,Samson,Peter,Paul—Mr.Veseywentdownthelist,chantingtheirnames.
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Everybodywasontheirfeet,clapping,andwavingintheair,shouting,“Nowhe’scomingforme,”andIwassmack-dabinthemiddleofthem,doingthelittlehoppingdanceIusedtodointhealcovewhenIwasagirlsingingtothewater.
OurreverendwasafreeblackmannamedMorrisBrown,andhesaidwhenwegotworkeduplikethis,itwas
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theHolyGhostthathadgotintous.Mr.Vesey,whowasoneofhisfourmainhelpers,saiditwasn’ttheHolyGhost,itwashope.Whateveritwas,itcouldburnaholeinyourchest.
Theheatinthechurchwasawful.Whileweshouted,sweatdrenchedourfacesandclothes,andsomeofthemengotupandopenedallthewindows.Thefreshair
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flowedinandtheshoutingflowedout.
WhenMr.VeseyranoutofpeopleintheBibleforGodtodeliver,hewentalongthebenchescallingnames.
LetmyLorddeliverRolla.LetmyLorddeliver
Nancy.LetmyLorddeliverNed.Ifhecalledyourname,
youfeltlikeitwouldflystraighttoheavenandhitGod
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betweentheeyes.ReverendBrownsaid,becareful,heavenwouldbewhateveryoupictureit.HispicturewasAfricabeforetheslaving—allthefoodandfreedomyouwantedandnotawhitepersontoblightit.Ifmaumawasdead,shewouldhaveabigfinehousesomewhereandmissusforhermaid.
Mr.Vesey,though,hedidn’tlikeanykindoftalk
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aboutheaven.Hesaidthatwasthecoward’sway,piningforlifeinthehereafter,actinglikethisonedidn’tmeanathing.Ihadtosidewithhimonthat.
EvenwhenIwassingingandhoppinglikethis,partofmestayedsmallandquiet,noticingeverythinghesaidanddid.Iwasthebirdwatchingthecatcirclethetree.Mr.Veseyhadwhite
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woolynubsinhishairnow,butbesidethat,helookedlikebefore.Worethesamescowl,hadthesameknifebladesinhiseyes.Hisarmswerestillthickandhischestbigasarainbarrel.
Ihadn’tmusteredthenervetotalktohim.PeoplefearedDenmarkVesey.I’dstartedtellingmyselfthejokewasonme—maybeI’dcometotheAfricanchurchforthe
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Lord,afterall.What’dIthinkIcouldlearnaboutmaumaanyway?
Nobodyheardthehorsesoutside.Mr.Veseyhadanewchantgoing—JoshuafoughtthebattleofJericho,andthewallscametumblingdown.GullahJack,hisright-handman,wasbeatingadrum,andwewerestompingthefloor.Jericho.Jericho.
Thenthedoorsbusted
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open,andGullahJack’shandsstoppedpounding,andthesongdiedaway.Welookedround,confused,whiletheCityGuardspreadalongthewallsandintheaisle,oneateverywindow,fourbarringthedoor.
Theheadguardmarcheddownfrontwithapaperinonehandandamusketgunintheother.DenmarkVeseysaidwithhisboomingvoice,
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“What’sthemeaningofthis?ThisisthehouseoftheLord,youhavenobusinesshere.”
Theguardlookedlikehecouldn’tbelievehisluck.HetookthebuttofthegunandrammeditinMr.Vesey’sface.Aminuteago,he’dbeenshoutingJericho,andnowhewasonthefloorwithashirtfullofblood.
Peoplestartedscreaming.Oneoftheguardsfiredinto
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therafters,sendingwoodcrumbsandsmokeswirlingdown.Theinsideofmyearspounded,andwhentheheadmanreadthewarrant,hesoundedlikehewasatthebottomofadrywell.Hesaidtheneighborsroundthechurchfoundusanuisance.Wewerechargedwithdisorderlyconduct.
Hestuffedthepaperinhispocket.“You’llberemoved
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totheGuardHouseandsentencedinthemorningwithdueandproperpunishment.”
Asobdriftedfromawomanonthefarside,andtheplacecamealivewithfearandmurmuring.WeknewabouttheGuardHouse—itwaswheretheyheldthelawbreakers,blackandwhite,tilltheyfiguredoutwhattodowiththem.Thewhites
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onesstayedtilltheirhearings,andtheblackonestilltheirownerspaidthefine.YoujustprayedtoGodyoudidn’thaveastingymaster,causeifherefusedtopay,youwenttotheWorkHousetoworkoffthedebt.
Outside,themoonlookedweakinthesky.Theygatheredusinfourherdsandmarchedusdownthestreet.Aslavesang,Didn’tmyLord
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deliverDaniel?andaguardtoldhimtohushup.Itwasquietfromthenonexceptforthecloppinghorsesandalittlebabytiedonitsmother’sbackthatwhimperedlikeakitten.IcranedmyneckforMr.Vesey,buthewasn’tanywheretosee.ThenInoticedthedarkwetspatter-dropsontheground,andIknewhewasonupahead.
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Wespentthenightonthefloorinaroomfilledwithjailcells,menandwomencrammedintogether,allofushavingtopeeinthesamebucketinthecorner.Onewomancoughedhalfthroughthenightandtwomengotinashove-fight,butmostlywesatinthedarkandstaredwithflateyesanddozedinandout.Onetime,Icameawake,hearingthatsamelittlebaby
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mewing.Atfirstlight,aguardwith
hairscruffinghisshouldersbroughtapailofwaterwithadipperandwetookturnsdrinkingwhileourstomachsrumbledforfood.Afterthat,wewerelefttowonderwhatwascoming.OnemaninourcellhadbeenpickedupbytheGuardsixtimesandhetoldusthefactsandfigures.Thefinewasfivedollars,and
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ifyourmasterdidn’tpay,yougottwelvelashesattheWorkHouse,orworse,yougotthetreadmill.Ididn’tknowwhatthetreadmillwasandhedidn’tsay,justtoldustobegforthewhip.Thenheliftedhisshirt,andhisbackwasgroovedlikethehideofanalligator.Thesightbroughtbiletomythroat.“Mymassaneverpay,”hesaid.
Themorningstretchedout
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andwewaited,andthenwaitedsomemore.AllIcouldthinkaboutwastheman’sback,wherethey’dputMr.Vesey,howhisbashedfacewasholdingup.Heatcookedtheairandthesmellturnedsourandthebabystartedbawlingagain.Somebodysaid,“Whydon’tyoufeedthechild?”
“Ican’traisenomilk,”itsmaumasaid,andanother
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womanwithstainsonherdressfrontsaid,“Here,givemethebaby.Mine’sbackhomeandallthismilkwithnobodytosuckit.”Shepulledoutherbrownbosom,clearmilkleakingfromthenipple,andthebabylatchedon.
Whenthelong-hairguardcameback,hesaid,“Listenforyourname.IfIcallitout,you’refreetoleaveandgo
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hometowhateverawaitsyou.”
Weallgottoourfeet.Isaidtomyself,NeverhasbeenaGrimkéslavesenttotheWorkHouse.Neverhas.
“SethBall,BenPringle,TinnieAlston,JaneBrewton,ApolloRutledge...”Hereadthenamestillitwasjustmeandthescarredmanandthemaumawiththebabyandahandfulofothers.“Ifyou’re
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stillhere,”hesaid,“yourownerhasdecidedtheWorkHousewillputyouinawholesomeframeofmind.”
Amansaid,“I’mafreeblack,Idon’thaveanowner.”
“Ifyou’vegotthepapersthatsaythat,thenyoucanpaythefineyourself,”theguardtoldhim.“Ifyoucan’tpayitonthespot,thenyou’regoingtotheWorkHouse
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withtherest.”Ifeltgenuineconfused.I
said,“Mister.Mister?Youleftoffmyname.It’sHetty.HettyGrimké.”
Heansweredmewiththethudofthedoor.
Thetreadmillwaschompingandgrindingitsteeth—youcouldhearitbeforeyougotintheroom.TheWorkHouse
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manledtwelveofustotheuppergallery,pokingusalongwithastick.DenmarkVeseycamebehindmewiththesideofhisfaceswollensobadhiseyewasshut.Hewastheonlyoneofuswithshacklesonhishandsandfeet.Hetookshuffle-steps,andthechaindraggedandrattled.
Whenhetrippedonthestairs,Isaidovermy
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shoulder,“Becarefulnow.”ThenIwhispered,“Howcomeyoudidn’tpaythefine?Ain’tyousupposedtohavemoney?”
“Whatevertheydototheleastofthem,theydoituntome,”hesaid.
Ithoughttomyself,Mr.VeseyfancieshimselflikeJesuscarryingthecross,andthat’sprobablycausehedoesn’thavefivedollarson
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himforthefine.Knowinghim,though,hecould’vebeenthrowinghislotwiththerestofus.Themanwasbig-headedandproud,buthehadaheart.
Whenwegottothegalleryandlookedovertherailatthetormentwaitingforus,wejustfoldedupandsatdownonthefloor.
OneoftheoverseersfastenedMr.Vesey’schainto
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anironringandtoldustowatchthewheelcarefulsowe’dknowwhattodo.Themaumawiththebabyonherbacksaidtohim,“WhogonwatchmybabywhileIdownthere?”
Hesaid,“Youthinkwegotpeopletotendyourbaby?”
Ihadtoturnfromher,thewayherheaddropped,thebabylookingwide-eyeover
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hershoulder.Thetreadmillwasa
spinningdrum,twiceastallasaman,withstepsonit.Twelvescramblingpeoplewereclimbingitfastastheycouldgo,makingthewheelturn.Theyclungtoahandrailoverthetopofit,theirwristslashedtoitincasetheirgripslipped.Themillgroanedandthecorncrackedunderneath.Twoblack-skinoverseers
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pacedwithcowhides—cato’ninetails,theycalledthem—andwhenthewheelslowed,theyhitthebacksandlegsofthosepoorpeopletillyousawpinkfleshripple.
Mr.Vesey’sgoodeyestudiedme.“Don’tIknowyoufromsomewhere?”
“Fromthechurch.”“No,somewhereelse.”Icould’vespitthetruth
out,butwewerebothin
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Daniel’slion’sden,andGodhadleftustoit.Isaid,“Where’sallthatdeliveringGod’ssupposedtodo?”
Hesnorted.“You’reright,theonlydeliveranceistheonewegetforourselves.TheLorddoesn’thaveanyhandsandfeetbutours.”
“Thatdoesn’tsaymuchfortheLord.”
“Itdoesn’tsaymuchforus,either.”
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Abellrangdownbelowandthejawsonthewheelstoppedchewing.Theoverseersloosedthepeople’swristsandtheyclimbeddownaladdertothefloor.Someofthemweresoused-uptheyhadtobedraggedoff.
TheoverseerunlockedMr.Veseyfromthefloorring.“Getonyourfeet.It’syourturn.”
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SarahHandful’smangledfootwasproppedonapillow,andAunt-Sisterwaslayingaplantainleafacrossthewound.Fromthesmellthatdriftedintheair,Iknewherinjuryhadbeenfreshlyplasteredwithpotashandvinegar.
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“MissSarah’sherenow,”Aunt-Sistersaid.Handful’sheadrolledsidetosideonthemattress,buthereyesstayedclosed.She’dbeenheavilysedatedwithlaudanum,theapothecaryalreadycomeandgone.
Iblinkedtokeeptearsaway—itwasthesightofherlyingtheremaimed,butsomeofmyanguishcamefromguilt.Ididn’tknowshe’d
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beenarrested,thatMotherhaddecidedtolethersuffertheconsequencesintheWorkHouse.Ihadn’tevenmissedHandful’spresence.ThiswouldneverhavehappenedifIhadn’treturnedHandful’sownershiptoMother.I’dknownHandfulwouldbeworseoffwithher,andI’dgivenherbackanyway.Thatawfulself-righteousnessofmine.
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SabehadbroughtHandfulhomeinthecarriagewhileI’dbeenawayatBiblestudy.Biblestudy.Ifeltshametothinkofmyself,probingversesinthethirteenthchapterofCorinthians—ThoughIhaveallknowledgeandallfaith,andhavenotcharity,Iamnothing.
IforcedmyselftolookacrossthebedatAunt-Sister.
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“Howbadisit?”Sheansweredbypeeling
backthegreenleafsoIcouldseeformyself.Handful’sfootwastwistedinwardatanunnaturalangleandtherewasagashrunningfromherankletothesmalltoe,exposingrawflesh.Arowofbrightbloodbeadedthroughthepoultice.Aunt-Sisterdabbeditwithatowelbeforesmoothingtheleafbackinposition.
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“Howdidthishappen?”Iasked.
“Theyputheronthetreadmill,sayshefelloffandherfootwentunderthewheel.”
AsketchofthenewlyinstalledmonstrosityhadappearedintheMercuryrecentlywiththecaption,AMoreResourcefulReprimand.Thearticlespeculateditwouldearnfive
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hundreddollarsprofitforthecitythefirstyear.
“Theapothecarysaythefootain’tbroken,”Aunt-Sistersaid.“Thecordsthatholdthebonesaretornup,andshegonbecripplenow,Icantellfromlookingatit.”
Handfulmoaned,thenmutteredsomethingthatcameoutslurredandindistinguishable.Itookherhandinmine,startledbyhow
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slightitfelt,wonderinghowherfoothadn’tcrumbledtodust.Shelookedsmalllyingthere,butshewasnolongerchildlike.Herhairwascutraggedaninchfromherhead.Littlesagsdroopedbeneathhereyes.Herforeheadwaspleatedwithfrown-lines.She’dagedintoatinycrone.
Herlidsfluttered,butdidn’topen,assheattemptedagaintospeak.Ibentcloseto
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herlips.“Goaway,”shehissed.
“Go.Away.”
LaterIwouldtellmyselfhermindwasaddledwithopiates.Shecouldn’thaveknownwhatshewassaying.Orperhapsshe’dbeenreferringtoherowndesiretogoaway.
Handfuldidn’tleaveher
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roomfortendays.Aunt-SisterandPhoebecarriedhermealsandtendedherfoot,andGoodisalwaysseemedtolingerbythebacksteps,waitingfornews,butIstayedaway,fearingherwordshadbeenformeafterall.
ThebanonFather’sstudyhadneverbeenliftedandIrarelysetfootthere,butwhileHandfulconvalesced,Islippedinandtooktwobooks
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—Pilgrim’sProgressbyBunyanandShakespeare’sTheTempest,aseaadventureIthoughtshewouldespeciallylike—andleftthematherdoor,knockingandhurryingaway.
OnthemorningHandfulemerged,weGrimkéswerehavingbreakfastinthediningroom.Therewereonlyfourchildrenwhohadn’tyetmarriedorgoneofftoschool:
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Charles,Henry,Nina,andofcoursemyself,thered-headedmaidenauntofthefamily.Motherwasseatedattheheadofthetablewiththehingedsilkscreendirectlybehindher,itshand-paintedjasmineallbuthaloingherhead.Sheturnedtothewindow,andIsawhermouthpartinsurprise.TherewasHandful.Shewascrossingtheworkyardtowardtheoak,usinga
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woodencanetootallforher.Shemaneuveredawkwardly,thrustingherselfforward,draggingherrightfoot.
“She’swalking!”criedNina.
IpushedbackmychairandleftthetablewithNinachasingafterme.
“You’renotexcused!”Mothercalled.
Wedidn’tsomuchasturnourheadsinherdirection.
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Handfulstoodbeneaththebuddingtreeonapatchofemeraldmoss.Thereweredragmarksinthedirtfromherfoot,andIfoundmyselfsteppingoverthemasiftheyweresacrosanct.Asweapproached,shebegantowindfreshredthreadaroundthetrunk.Icouldn’timaginewhatthisoddpracticemeant.It’dbeengoingon,though,foryears.
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NinaandIwaitedwhileshepulledapairofshearsfromherpocketandcutawaythefadedoldthread.Severalpinkstrandsclungtothebark,andasshepluckedatthem,hercaneslippedandshegrabbedthetreetocatchherself.
Ninapickedupthecaneandhandedittoher.“Doesithurt?”
HandfullookedpastNina
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atme.“Notallthatmuchnow.”
NinasquattedunselfconsciouslytoinspectthewayHandful’sfootpigeonedinward,theoddhumpthathadformedacrossthetopofit,howshe’dfittedashoeoveritbytrimmingtheopeningandleavingoffthelace.
“I’msorryforwhathappened,”Isaid.“I’mso
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sorry.”“IreadwhatIcouldofthe
booksyoubrought.Theygavemesomethingtodobesidelaythere.”
“CanItouchyourfoot?”Ninaasked.
“Nina,”Isaid,thensuddenlyunderstood—herewasthenightmareshe’ddreamedaboutsinceshewasachild,herewasthehiddenhorroroftheWorkHouse.
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MaybeHandfulunderstood,too,herneedtoconfrontit.“Idon’tmind,”shesaid.
NinatracedherfingeralongacrustingscarthatflamedacrossHandful’sskin.Silencejelledaroundus,andIlookedupattheleavesfeatheringonthebrancheslikelittleferns.IcouldfeelHandfullookingatme.
“Isthereanythingyou
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need?”Iasked.Shelaughed.“There
anythingIneed?Well,let’sseenow.”Hereyeswerehardasglass,burningyellow.
She’dborneacrueltyIcouldn’timagine,andshe’dcomethroughitscathed,thescarmuchdeeperthanherdisfiguredfoot.WhatI’dheardinherruthlesslaughwasakindofradicalizing.Sheseemedsuddenly
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dangerous,thewayhermotherhadbeendangerous.ButHandfulwasmoreconsideringandmethodicalthanhermothereverwas,andwarier,too,whichmadeitmoreworrying.Awaveofpresciencewashedoverme,ahintofdarknesscoming,andthenitwasgone.Isaidtoher,“Ijustmeant—”
“Iknowwhatitisyoumeant,”shesaid,andhertone
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hadmellowed.Theangerinherfaceleft,andIthoughtforamomentshemightcry,asightI’dneverwitnessed,notevenwhenhermotherdisappeared.
Instead,sheturnedandmadeherwaytowardthekitchenhouse,herbodylistingheavilytotheleft.Thedeterminationinherpainedmealmostasmuchasherlameness,anditwasn’tuntil
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NinawrappedherarmaroundmywaistandtuggedthatIrealizedIwaslistingwithher.
Somedayslater,Cindieknockedatmydoorwithanote,orderingmetothefirst-floorpiazza,whereMotherretreatedmostafternoonstocatchthebreezes.Itwasunusualforhertowriteout
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hersummons,butCindiehadgrownabnormallyforgetful,wanderingintoroomsunabletorecallwhyshewasthere,bringingMotherahairbrushinsteadofapillow,anarrayofqueererrorsthatIknewwouldsoonconvinceMothertoreplaceherwithsomeoneyounger.
AsImademywaydownthestairs,itoccurredtomeforthefirsttimeshemight
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alsoreplaceHandful,whoseresourcefulnessandabilitytowalktothemarketforfabricandsupplieswasnowinquestion.Ipausedonthelanding,theportraitoftheFatesleering,asalways,andmystomachgavealurchofdread.CouldthisbethereasonMotherhadsummonedme?
ThoughitwasearlyinMay,theheathadmovedin
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withitssoakinghumidity.Mothersatintheswingandtriedtocoolherselfwithherivoryfan.Shedidn’twaitformetosit.“We’veseennoprogressinyourfather’sconditionforoverayear.Histremorsaregrowingworsebythedayandthere’snomorethatcanbedoneforhimhere.”
“Whatareyoutellingme?Ishe—”
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“No,justlisten.I’vespokenwithDr.Geddingsandwe’reinagreement—theonlycourseleftistotakehimtoPhiladelphia.There’sasurgeonthereofrenown,aDr.PhilipPhysick.Iwrotetohimrecentlyandhehasagreedtoseeyourfather.”
Iloweredmyselfintoaporchchair.
“Hewillgobyship,”shesaid.“Itwillbeanexacting
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tripforhim,andit’slikelyhe’llhavetoremainupnorththroughthesummer,oraslongasittakestofindacure,buttheplanhasbroughthimhope.”
Inodded.“Well,yes,ofcourse.Heshoulddoeverythingpossible.”
“I’mpleasedyoufeelthatway.You’llbetheonetoaccompanyhim.”
Ileapttomefeet.“Me?
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Surelyyoucan’tmeanI’mtotakeFathertoPhiladelphiabymyself.WhataboutThomasorJohn?”
“Bereasonable,Sarah.Theycannotleavetheirprofessionsandfamiliessoeasily.”
“AndIcan?”“DoIneedtopointout
youhavenoprofessionorfamilytocarefor?Youliveunderyourfather’sroof.
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Yourdutyistohim.”CaringforFatherweek
afterweek,possiblyformonths,allaloneinafarawayplace—Ifeltthelifedrainoutofme.
“ButIcan’tleave—”Iwasgoingtosay,Ican’tleaveNina,butthoughtbetterofit.
“IwillseetoNina,ifthat’swhatyou’reconcernedabout.”
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Shesmiled,suchararething.Thememoryofbeinginthedrawingroomwiththerectorsweptbacktome:Mother’scoldstareasIdefendedNina’srighttofollowherconscience.Ihadn’ttakenherwarningseriouslyenough:Aslongasthetwoofyouareunderthesameroof,thereislittlehopeforAngelina....Ithadn’tbeenNinawhomMother
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meanttoremove.IthadbeenI.
“Youleaveinthreedays,”shesaid.
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HandfulMaumapretendedalimp,andIgottherealone.Iusedheroldwoodcane,butitcameuptomychest—morelikeacrutchthanacane.
OnedaywhentherainpouredandGoodiscouldn’tworkthegarden,hesaidtome,“Gimmethatcane.”
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“Whatfor?”“Justgiveithere,”he
said,soIdid.Therestoftheday,hesat
inthestableandwhittled.Whenhecameback,hehadthecaneclaspedbehindhisback.Hesaid,“Isurehopeyoulikerabbits.”
Notonlyhadthemantrimmedoffthebottomendtomakeittherightsize,he’dcarvedthehandleintoa
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rabbithead.Ithadaround,specklednose,bigeyes,andtwolongearsgoingstraightback.He’devennotchedthewoodtolooklikefur.
Isaid,“Ilikerabbitsnow.”
Thatwasoneofthekindliestthingseverdoneforme.OnetimeIaskedhimhowhegothisname,andhesaidhismaumagaveittohimwhenhewastencausehe
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wasthegoodestoneofherchildren.
Icouldtravelwiththecanelikenobody’sbusiness.CindiesawmecomingtothekitchenhouseforsupperthatnightandsaidIwasspringingcrosstheyardlikearabbit.Ihadtolaughatthat.
ThedayafterCindiepraisedme,theytookheroffsomewhereandweneversawheragain.Aunt-Sistersaid
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hermindhadwornout,thatmissushadsentheroffwithThomastotheirplantation,whereshe’dliveoutherdays.Thomas,hewastheonetakingcareoftheplantationnow,andsureenough,hecamebackwithanewmaidformissusnamedMinta.
Godhelpthegirl.Cindiegettingsentoff
likethatputascareinallofus.Iwentbacktomysewing
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dutiesfasterthanyoucouldsaythewordrabbit.IshowedmissushowIcouldgoupthestairs.Iclimbedsureandsteady,andwhenIgottothetop,shesaid,“Welldone,Hetty.I’msureyouknowhowmuchitgrievedmetosendyoutotheWorkHouse.”
Inoddedtoletherknowwhataheavyburdenthismust’vebeenforher.
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Thenshesaid,“Sadly,thesethingsbecomenecessaryattimes,andyoudoseemtohaveprofited.Asforyourfoot...well,Iregrettheaccident,butlookatyou.You’regettingaboutfine.”
“Yessum.”Igaveheracurtsyfromthetopstep,thinkingwhatMr.Veseysaidonetimeatchurch:Ihaveonemindforthemastertosee.Ihaveanothermindfor
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whatIknowisme.
Iheardatap-taponmydooroneafternoonlate,andSarahstoodtherewithherfrecklefacewhiteasaneggshell.I’dbeenworkingonmasterGrimké’spants—missushadsentaslewofthemdown,saidtheywerehangingoffhimtoobig.WhenSarahcamein,Iwashobbling
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roundthecuttingtable,spreadingoutapairofbritchestoseewhatIcoulddo.Isettheshearsdown.
“...Ionlywanttosay...Well,Ihavetogoaway...Upnorth.I...Idon’tknowwhenI’llbeabletoreturn.”
Shewastalkingwiththepausesbackinhervoice,tellingmeaboutthedoctorinPhiladelphia,herhavingto
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nurseherdaddy,beingpartedfromNina,allthemiseriesofpackingthatwaitedforher.Ilistenedandthoughttomyself,Whitefolksthinkyoucareabouteverythingintheworldthathappenstothem,everytimetheystubtheirtoe.
“That’samillstoneforyou,”Itoldher,“I’msorry,”andtheminuteitleftmymouth,Iknewitwascomingfromthetruemindthatwas
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me,notthemindforthemastertosee.Iwassorryforher.Sarahhadjimmiedherselfintomyheart,butatthesametime,Ihatedtheeggshellcolorofherface,thehelplesswayshelookedatmeallthetime.Shewaskindtomeandshewaspartofeverythingthatstolemylife.
“...YoutakecareofyourselfwhileI’mgone,”shesaid.
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Watchingherwalktothedoor,Imadeupmymind.“RememberhowyouaskedmeawhileagoifIneededanything?Well,Ineedsomething.”
Sheturnedbackandherfacehadbrightened.“Ofcourse...whateverIcando.”
“Ineedasignednote.”“...Whatkindofnote?”“Onethatgivesme
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permissiontobeonthestreet.Incasesomebodystopsmeoutthere.”
“Oh.”Thatwasallshesaidforaminute.Then,“...Motherdoesn’twantyougoingout,notforawhile...ShehasdesignatedPhoebetodothemarketing.Besides,theyclosedtheAfricanchurch—therewon’tbeanythingtoattend.”
Icould’vetoldyouthe
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churchwasdoomed,butitwasablowtohearit.“Istillneedapass,though.”
“...Why?Wheredoyouneedtogo?...It’sdangerous,Handful.”
“Ispentmostofmylifegettinganddoingforyouandneverhaveaskedforathing.Igotplacestogo,they’remyownbusiness.”
Sheraisedhervoiceatme.Thefirsttime.“...And
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howdoyouproposetogetofftheproperty?”
Lookingdownonuswasthelittlewindowmaumausedtoclimbthrough.Itwassittinghighup,lettingintheonlylightintheroom.Isaidtomyself,Ifmaumacandoit,Icandoit.I’lldoitlame,blind,andbackward,ifIhaveto.
Ididn’tspelloutmywaysforher.Inoddedatapieceof
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paperontheshelfbesideapenandapotofink.Isaid,“Ifyoucan’tseefittowritemethispassforsafepassage,I’llhavetowriteitmyselfandsignyourname.”
Shetookadeepbreathandstaredatmeforamoment,thenshewentoveranddippedthepenintheink.
FirsttimeIsqueezedthrough
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thewindowandwentoverthewall,Sarahhadbeengoneaweek.TheworstpartwaswhenIhadtoflopmyselfoverthetopofthebrickswithnothingbutthewhiteoleanderforcover.Ihadtherabbitcaneandathickburlapbundletiedonmybackthatmademecumbersome,andwhenIdroppedtotheground,Ilandedonmybadfoot.Isattheretillthethrob
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woreoff,thenIslippedoutfromthetreestothestreet,justonemoreslavedoingsomewhiteperson’sbidding.
Ichosethisdaycausemissushadaheadache.Welivedforherheadaches.Whentheycame,shetooktobedandleftustoourblessedselves.ItriednottothinkhowI’dgetbackinsidetheyard.Maumahadwaitedfordarkandcrawledoverthe
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backgateandthatwasthebestremedy,butitwassummertimeanddarkcamelate,givingplentyoftimeforfolkstowonderwhereIwas.
OneblockdownEastBay,IspottedoneoftheGuard.Helookedstraightatmeandstudiedmylimp.Walksteady.Nottoofast.Nottooslow.Squeezingtheearsontherabbit,Ididn’tbreathetillIturnedthecorner.
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Ittookmetwiceaslongtogetto20Bull.Istoodcrossthestreetandstaredatthehouse,stillinneedofpaint.Ididn’tknowifDenmarkVeseyhadgotoutoftheWorkHouseorwhathadhappenedtohim.LastmemoryIhadfromthathellholewashisvoiceshouting,“Helpthegirldownthere,helpthegirl.”
Ihadn’tletmyselfthink
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aboutit,butstandingthereonthestreet,thememorycamelikeapictureinapainting.I’muponthetreadmill,grippingthebarwithallthestrengthIgot.Climbingthewheel,climbingthewheel.Itneverwillstop.Mr.Veseyisquiet,notagruntfromhim,buttherestaremoaningandcryingJesusandtherawhidesplitstheair.Myhandssweat,slidingonthebar.The
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knotthatlashesmywristtoitcomesloose.Itellmyselfdon’tlooksidetoside,keepstraightahead,keepgoing,butthewomanwiththebabyonherbackishowling.Thewhipslashesherlegs.Thenthechildscreams.Ilook.Ilooktothesideanditslittleheadisbleeding.Redandwet.That’swhentheedgesgoblack.Idrop,myhandspullingfreefromtherope.I
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fallandthereain’tnowingssproutingoffmyshoulders.
Inthefrontwindowofhishouse,awomanwasironing.Herbackwastome,butIcouldseetheshapeofher,thelightnessofherskin,thebrightheadscarf,herarmswingingoverthecloth,anditcausedahitchinmychest.
WhenIgotupontheporch,Iheardhersinging.Waydownyonderinthe
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middleofthefield,seemeworkingatthechariotwheel.Peeringintheopenwindow,Isawshehadherhipsswishing,too.Nowletmefly,nowletmefly,nowletmeflywayuphigh.
Iknockedandthetunebrokeoff.Sheopenedthedoorstillholdingtheiron,thesmellofcharcoalstragglingbehindher.Maumaalwayssaidhehadmulattowivesall
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overthecity,butthemainonelivedhereinthehouse.Shestuckoutherchin,frowning,andIwondereddidshethinkIwasthenewbride.
“Who’reyou?”“I’mHandful.Icameto
seeDenmarkVesey.”Sheglaredatme,then
downatmytwistedfoot.“Well,I’mSusan,hiswife.Whatyouwantwithhim?”
Icouldfeeltheheat
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glowingofftheiron.ThewomanhadbeenharddonebyandIcouldn’tblamehernotopeningthedoortostraywomen.“AllIwantistotalktohim.Ishehereornot?”
“I’mhere,”avoicesaid.Hestoodproppedinthedoorwaybehindherwithhisarmsfoldedonhischestlikehe’sGodwatchingtheworldgoby.Hetoldhiswifetofindsomethingtodo,andhereyes
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trimmeddowntolittleslits.“Takethatironwithyou,”hesaid.“It’ssmokinguptheroom.”
Sheleftwithit,whileheeyedme.He’dlostsomefatfromhisface.Icouldseethetoprimofhischeekbones.Hesaid,“You’reluckyyoudidn’tgetrotinyourfootanddie.”
“Imadeout.Lookslikeyoudid,too.”
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“Youdidn’tcometoseeaboutmyhealth.”
Hedidn’twannabeatthebushes.Finewithme.Myfoothurtfromtrudginghere.Itookthebundleoffmybackandsatdowninachair.Therewasn’tafrillintheroom,justcanechairsandatablewithaBibleonit.
Isaid,“Iusedtocomeherewithmymauma.HernamewasCharlotte.”
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Thesneerhealwaysworeslidoffhisface.“IknewIknewyoufromsomewhere.Youhavehereyes.”
“That’swhattheytellme.”
“Youhavehergumption,too.”
Isqueezedtheburlapbundleagainstmychest.“Iwannaknowwhathappenedtoher.”
“Thatwasalongtime
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ago.”“Comingonsevenyears.”Whenhekeptsilent,I
undidtheburlapandspreadmauma’sstoryquiltcrossthetable.Thesquareshungnearlytothefloor,brightenoughtosetafireinthedarkroom.
Peoplesayheneversmiled,butwhenhesawtheslavesflyingintheairpastthesun,hesmiled.Hegazed
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atgranny-maumaandthefallingstars,atmaumaleavingmydaddybehindinthefield,meandherlayingincut-uppiecesonthequiltframe.Hestudiedthespirittreesandtheone-leggedpunishment.Didn’taskwhatanythingmeant.Heknewitwasherstory.
Istolealookatthelastsquarewheremaumahadsewedthemanwiththe
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carpenterapronandthenumbers1884.Iwatchedcarefultoseeifhe’drecognizehimself.
“Youthinkthat’sme,don’tyou?”hesaid.
“Iknowthat’syou,butIdon’tknowaboutthosenumbers.”
Hechuckledoutright.“One,eight,eight,four.Thatwasthenumberonmylotteryticket.Thenumbersthat
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boughtmyfreedom.”Theroomwasstiflehot.
Sweatdribbledonmytemples.So,that’sherlastword,then.That’swhatitcameto—achanceforgettingfree.Afancychance.
Ifoldedupthequilt,wrappeditbackintheburlap,andtieditonmyback.Ipickedupmycane.Isaid,“Shewaspregnant,youknowthat?Whenshewentmissing,
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yourbabywentmissingwithher.”
Hedidn’tflinch,butIcouldtellhedidn’tknow.
Isaid,“Thosenumbersneverdidcomeupforher,didthey?”
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SarahTheshipridewasharrowing.Wepliedupthecoastfornearlytwoweeks,sickenedbyheavingwavesoffVirginia,beforefinallymakingourwayalongtheDelawaretoPennLanding.Arrivingthere,Ihadanimpulsetobenddownand
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kissthesolidground.WithFatheralmosttooweaktospeak,itwaslefttometofigureouthowtoretrieveourtrunksandhireacoach.
AswedrewclosetoSocietyHill,wherethedoctorresided,thecityturnedlovelywithitstreesandsteeples,itsbrickrowhousesandmansions.Whatstruckmewashowemptythestreetswereofslaves.Thesudden
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realizationcausedatightnessinsideofmetorelease,oneIwasnotawareexisteduntilthatmoment.
IfounduslodginginaQuakerboardinghousenearFourthStreet,whereFatherrelinquishedhimselftome—whatheate,whathewore,alldecisionsabouthiscare.Heeventurnedoverthemoneypouchesandledgers.Everyfewdays,Inavigatedusto
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thedoctor’shousebyhiredcarriage,butafterthreeweeksofseeminglyfutilevisits,Fatherstillcouldn’twalkmorethanastone’sthrowwithoutexhaustionandpain.He’dlostmoreweight.Helookedabsolutelydesiccated.
Seatedinthedoctor’sparloronemorning,IstaredatDr.Physick’swhitehairandaquilinenose,anoseverylikeFather’s.Hesaid,“Sadly,
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IcanfindnocauseforJudgeGrimké’stremorsorhisdeterioration.”
Fatherwasnottheonlyonewhowasfrustrated.I,too,waswearyofcominghereoptimisticandleavingdismayed.“...Surely,theremustbesomethingyoucanprescribe.”
“Yes,ofcourse.Ibelievetheseaairwilldohimgood.”
“Seaair?”
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Hesmiled.“You’reskeptical,butit’squiterecognized—it’sknownasthalassotherapy.I’veknownittobringeventhegravelyillbacktohealth.”
IcouldonlyimaginewhatFatherwouldsaytothis.Seaair.
“Myprescription,”hesaid,“isthatyoutakehimtoLongBranchforthesummer.It’sasmall,ratherisolated
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placeontheNewJerseyshoreknownforitsseacure.I’llsendyouwithlaudanumandparegoric.Heshouldbeoutsideasmuchaspossible.Encouragehimtowadeintheocean,ifhe’sable.Byfall,perhapshe’llberecoveredenoughtotravelhome.”
PerhapsIwouldbehomewithNinabeforeSeptember.
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ThedoctorhadsaidLongBranchwassmall,buthe’dexaggerated.Itwasnotsmall,itwasnotevenminiscule;itwasbarelyexistent.Therewerefourfarmhouses,onetinyclapboardMethodistchurch,andadrygoodsstore.Neitherwastheplace“ratherisolated”;itwaswoefullyisolated.WetraveledbyprivatecoachfromPhiladelphiaforsixdays,the
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lastonebumpingoverafoottrail.Afterstoppingfortoiletrysuppliesinthedrygoods,wecontinuedawaysfurthertoFishTavern,theonlyhotel.Itwasperchedatopabluffoverlookingtheocean—alarge,sea-weatherededifice.Whentheclerkinformedusthatprayermeetingswereheldinthecommunaldininghallafterdinner,ItookitasasignGod
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hadguidedus.Fatherhadcome
willingly,toowillingly,itseemed.I’dfeltsurehewouldinsistonreturningtoSouthCarolina.I’dexpectedhimtoquip,“Dowenothavesea-airinCharleston?”butwhenI’dbrokenthenewstohimthereinDr.Physick’sexaminationroom,carefultousethewordthalassotherapy,he’donlylookedatmefora
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long,strangemoment.Ashadowpassedoverhisface,whatItooktobedisappointment.Hesaid,“Let’sgotoNewJerseythen.That’swhatwe’lldo.”
Thatfirstafternoonbeforedusk,IbroughtcodsouptoFather’sroom.Whenhetriedtoeatit,hishandquiveredsoviolently,spoonfulssplatteredontothebedsheets.Helaybackagainstthebedsteadand
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letmefeedhim.Ichatteredaboutthesquallingocean,abouttheserpentinestepsthatledfromthehoteldowntotheshore,almostfrantictodivertusfromwhatwashappening.Hismouthopeningandclosinglikeababybird’s.Ladlinginthecolorlessbroth.Thehelplessnessofit.
WhileIfedhim,thecrushofwavesfilledtheroom.
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Throughthewindow,Icouldseeaswatchofwaterthecolorofpewter,whippedbythewindintofrothingswells.Finally,heputuphishandtoletmeknowhe’dhadenoughofsoupandbabblingboth.
Iplacedthechamberpotonthefloornearby.“Goodnight,Father.”
Hiseyeswerealreadyclosed,buthishandfumbledformyforearm.“It’sallright,
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Sarah.Wewillletitbewhatitis.”
17July1819
DearNina,Wearesettledat
FishTavern.Motherwouldcalltheplaceshabby,butitwasonceelegantandithascharacter.Therooms
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arenearlyfilledwithboarders,butI’vemetonlytwo.TheyareelderlywidowedsistersfromNewYork,whocometoprayermeetingseacheveninginthediningroom.Iliketheyoungeronequitealot.Fathercommands
allofmyattention.Wecamefortheseaair,
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buthehasn’tventuredfromhisroom.Iopenthewindow,butthesquawkinggullsannoyhim,andheordersthewindowclosedbynoon.I’mquitedevious—Ileaveitopenacrackandtellhimit’sshut.It’sallthemorereasonImustgotothediningroomandpraywiththesisters.
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Atfifteen,youareoldenoughthatImayspeaksistertosister.Father’spaingrowsworse.Hesleepslong,fitfulhoursfromthelaudanum,andwhenIinsisthetakesomeexercisearoundtheroom,heleansheavilyagainstme.Imustfeedhimmostofhismeals.Still,Nina,Iknow
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there’shope!Iffaithmovesmountains,GodwillrallyFathersoon.Eachday,IsitbyhisbedandprayandreadtheBiblealoudforhoursatatime.Don’tbeangryatmeformypiety.IamPresbyterianafterall.Asyouknow,we’refondofourgallandwormwood.Itrustyou’renot
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provokingMothertoomuch.Ifpossible,restrainyourselfuntilmyreturn.IprayHandfuliswell.Keepyoureyeoutforher.Ifsheneedsprotectingforanyreason,doyourbest.Imissyour
company.PerhapsI’mabitlonely,butIhaveGod.Youmaytell
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Motheralliswell.YourDevotedSister,Sarah
Everydayatspecifiedtimes,thehotelclerkraisedandloweredredandwhiteflagsnearthestepsthatleddowntothebeach.Atnineo’clocksharp,theredflagwentup,
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signalingthegentlementotakepossessionoftheshore.Iwouldobservethemthunderingintothewaves,racingbeyondthebreakers,anddiving.Surfacing,theystoodwaist-deep,theirhandsontheirhips,andsurveyedthehorizon.Onthebeach,theytussledorhuddledtogetherandsmokedcigars.Ateleven,thewhiteflagwentup,andthemenclimbedthe
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stairsbacktothehotelwithwoolentowelsdrapedabouttheirnecks.
Thentheladiesappeared.EvenifIwasinthemidstofprayer,IwouldmutterahastyAmenandflytothewindowtowatchthemdescendthestairsintheirbathingdressesandoilskincaps.I’dneverseenladiesbathing.Backhome,womendidn’tgointotheoceaninfancifulget-ups.
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TherewasafloatingbathhouseintheharboroffEastBatterywithaprivateareaforfemales,butMotherthoughtitwasunseemly.Once,tomyastonishment,IspottedthetwoelderlysistersI’dwrittenabouttoNina,movinggingerlydownthestepswiththeothers.Theyoungerone,Althea,alwaystookpainstoinquirenotonlyaboutFather,butaboutme.
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“Howareyou,dear?Youlookpallid.Areyougettingoutdoorsenough?”WhenI’dglimpsedheramongthebathersthatday,she’dglancedback,andseeingmeatthewindow,she’dmotionedmetojointhem.I’dshakenmyhead,butnothingwould’vepleasedmemore.
Thewomenalwaysenteredthewaterdifferentlythanthemen,holdingonto
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heavyropesanchoredtotheshore.Attimestherewouldbeadozenofthemstretchedintothewater,clingingtoasingleline,squealingandturningtheirbacksagainstthespray.IfFatherwassleeping,Iwouldstayatthewindowandwatchwithalumpinmychestuntilthewhiteflagcamedown.
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OnthemorningofAugusteighth,Iwasthereatthewindowsill,neglectingmyprayers,whenFatherwoke,cryingmyname.“Sarah!”Reachinghisside,Irealizedhewasstillasleep.“Sarah!”heshoutedagain,tossinghisheadinagitation.Iplacedmyhandonhischesttosteadyhim,andhewokewithhisbreathcominghardandfast.
Hegazedatmewiththe
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feverishlookofsomeonestumblingbackfromanightmare.ItsaddenedmetothinkI’dbeenpartofit.DuringtheseweeksatLongBranch,Fatherhadbeenkindtome.Howareyoufaring,Sarah?Areyoueatingenough?Youseemweary.PutdowntheBible,goforawalk.Histendernesshadshockedme.Yethe’dremainedaloof,neverspeakingofdeeper
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things.Ipressedacoolclothto
hisforehead.“...Father,Iknowcomingherehasbeenatrialforyou,andyourprogresshasbeen...ithasbeenslow.”
Hesmiledwithoutopeninghiseyes.“It’stimewespokethetruth.Therehasbeennoprogressatall.”
“...Wemustn’tgiveuphope.”
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“Mustn’twe?”Theskinonhischeekswasasthinandsheerasaveil.“Icameheretodie,youmustknowthat.”
“No!Icertainlydon’tknowthat.”Ifeltaghast,evenangry.Itwasasifthebaddreamhadcrackedhisfaçade,andIsuddenlywishedforitback.“...Ifyoubelieveyou’redying,thenwhydidn’tyouinsistwegohome?”
“Itwillbehardforyouto
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understandthis,butthelastfewyearsathomehavebeendifficult.Itseemedarelieftobefaraway,tobeherewithyouandgoquietly.IfeltlikehereIcoulddetachmoreeasilyfromthethingsI’veknownandlovedmywholelife.”
Myhandwenttomymouth.Ifeltmyeyesfilmoverwithtears.
“Sarah.Mydeargirl.
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Let’snotindulgevainhopes.Idon’texpecttorecover,nordoIwantto.”
Hisfaceblazedintenselynow.Itookhishandandgraduallyhisexpressioneased,andhedriftedtosleep.
Hewokeatthreeintheafternoon.Thewhiteflaghadjustbeenraised—Icouldseeitframedinthewindow,snappingagainstthetranslucentsky.Iheldthe
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waterglasstohislipsandhelpedhimtodrink.Hesaid,“We’vehadourquarrels,haven’twe?”
IknewwhatwascomingandIwantedtosparehim.Tospareme.“Itdoesn’tmatternow.”
“You’vealwayshadastrong,separatemind,perhapsevenaradicalmind,andIwasharshwithyouattimes.Youmustforgiveme.”
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Icouldn’timaginewhatitcosthimtosaythesewords.“Ido,”Isaid.“Andyoumustforgiveme.”
“Forgiveyouforwhat,Sarah?Forfollowingyourconscience?DoyouthinkIdon’tabhorslaveryasyoudo?DoyouthinkIdon’tknowitwasgreedthatkeptmefromfollowingmyconscienceasyouhave?Theplantation,thehouse,our
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entirewayoflifedependedontheslaves.”Hisfacecontortedandheclutchedathissideamomentbeforegoingon.“OrshouldIforgiveyouforwantingtogivenaturalexpressiontoyourintellect?YouweresmarterthanevenThomasorJohn,butyou’refemale,anothercrueltyIwashelplesstochange.”
“Father,please.Ihaveno
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resentmentofyou.”Itwasn’tcompletelytrue,butIsaidit.
Gigglesfloatedupfromthebeachbelow,tangledinthewind.“Youshouldgooutsideandrefreshyourspirit,”hesaid.
Iprotested,buthewouldn’trelent.“Howwillyoutakecareofme,ifyoudon’ttakecareofyourself?Dothisforme.I’llbefine.”
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Imeantonlytowadeinthesurf.Iremovedmyshoesandplacedthembesidetheportablechanginghousethathadbeenwheeledoutontothesand.Atthatmoment,thefriendlysister,Althea,drewbackthecanvasandsteppedoutwearingared-and-black-stripedbathinggownwithapeplumflounceandballoonsleeves.IwishedHandfulcould’veseenit.
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“Howlovely.Areyoufinallybathingwithus?”shesaid.
“...Oh,no,Idon’thavetheattireforit.”
Shescrutinizedmyface,whichmust’veradiatedunhappinessineverydirection,forsheannouncedshe’dsuddenlylostthedesiretobatheanditwouldpleaseherenormouslyifIwoulddonherdressandtakea
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plunge.AftermyconversationwithFather,Ifeltflayedopen,allpulpandredness.Iwantedtodisappearsomewherealone,yetIlookedattherope-lineofwomenjuttingintothesea,andthenbeyonditatthegreenmountainsofwater,solimitlessanduntamed,andIacceptedheroffer.
ShesmiledwhenIemergedfromthechanging
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room.Shehadnocap,andI’dunpinnedmyhair,whichwasflamingoutinthewind.ShesaidIlookedlikeamermaid.
Itookholdofoneoftheropesandfolloweditintothewaves,handoverfist,untilIcametowheretherestoftheladiesstood.Thewaterslappedourthighs,tossingustoandfro,atinygameofSnaptheWhip,andthenwithoutknowingwhatIwas
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abouttodo,Iturnedlooseandstrodeawayfromthem.Ipushedintotheseethingwater,andwhenIwassomedistance,Idroppedontomybackandfloated.Itwasashocktofeelthewaterholdme.Tolieintheseawhileupstairsmyfatherlaydying.
9August1819
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DearMother,TheBibleassuresus
thatGodshallwipeawayeverytearfromoureyes...
Iloweredmypen.Ididn’tknowhowtotellher.ItseemedstrangeIshouldbetheoneinformingherofsuchnews.I’dimaginedhergatheringus,herchildren,intothedrawingroomand
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saying,YourfatherhasgonetoGod.Howwasitpossiblethishadfallentome?
Insteadofthedistinguishedfuneralhewould’vehadinCharleston—thepompofSt.Philip’s,astatelyprocessionalongMeetingStreet,hiscoffinmountedonafloweredcarriageandhalfthecitywalkingbehindit—insteadofallthat,hewouldbeburied
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anonymouslyintheovergrowncemeterybehindthetinyMethodistchurchwe’dpassedonthewayhere.Afarmwagonwouldpullhiscasket.Iwouldwalkbehindit,alone.
ButIwouldtellMothernoneofthis.NorwouldItellherthatatthehourofhisdeath,Iwasfloatingfreeintheocean,inasolitudeIwouldrememberallofmy
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life,thegullscawingovermyheadandthewhiteflagflyingatthetopofthepole.
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HandfulMissus’eyeswereswollenshutfromcrying.Itwasthemiddleofthemorningandshewasinbedwithhersleepingclotheson.Themosquitonetwasdrawnroundherandthecurtainswerepulledonthewindows,butIcouldseeherlidspuffed
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out.Minta,thenewgirl,wasoverinthecornertryingtodisappear.
Whenmissustriedtospeaktome,shebrokedowncrying.Ifeltforher.Iknewwhatitwastoloseaperson.WhatIdidn’tknowwaswhyshe’dcalledmetoherroom.AllIcoulddowasstandthereandwaitforhertogetholdofherself.
Afterafewminutes,she
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yelledatMinta,“Areyouorareyounotgoingtobringmeahankie?”
Mintawentscramblingthroughadrawerinthelinenpress,andmissusturnedtome.“Youshouldstartonmydressimmediately.Iwantblackvelvet.Withbeadingofsomekind.Mrs.Russellhadjetbeadsonhers.Iwillneedaspoonbonnetwithalongcrepeveildowntheback.
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Andblackgloves,butmakethemfingerlessmittsbecauseoftheheat.Areyourememberingthis?”
“Yessum.”“Itmustbereadyintwo
days.Anditmustbeflawless,Hetty,doyouunderstand?Flawless.Workthroughthenightifyouhaveto.”
Seemedlikeshe’dgottenholdofherselfrealtight.
Shewrotemeapassfor
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themarketandsentmeinthecarriagewithTomfry,whowasgoingouttopurchasethemourningcards.Saiditwouldtaketoomuchtimeformetohobbleallthatwayandback.That’showIgotthefirstcarriagerideofmylife.Alongtheway,Tomfrysaid,“Wipethegrinoffyourface,wesupposedtobegrieving.”
Inthemarket,Iwasatthehigh-classstallslookingfor
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thebeadsmissushadtohavewhenIcameuponMr.Vesey’swife,Susan.Ihadn’tseenhersincethefirstofthesummerwhenI’dgoneto20Bull.
“Lookwhatthefieldcatdraggedup,”shesaid.Iguessshestillhadherdanderup.
Iwonderedwhatallsheknew.Maybeshe’dlistenedinthatdayI’dtalkedtoMr.Vesey.Shecouldknowabout
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mauma,thebaby,everything.Ididn’tseeanysensein
keepingthefeudgoing.“Idon’thaveabickerwithyou.Iwon’tbebotheringyouanymore.”
Thattookthenettlefromher.Hershouldersdippedandherfaceturnedsoft.That’swhenInoticedthescarfshewaswearing.Red.Edgessewedwithaperfectchainstitch.Littleoilspotsonthe
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side.Isaid,“That’smymauma’sheadscarf.”
Herlipsopenedlikethestopperhadpoppedfromthebottle.Iwaited,butshestoodthere,withhermouthempty.
“Iknowthatscarf,”Isaid.Shesetdownherbasket
ofcottonsandtookitoffherhead.“Goon,takeit.”
Iranmyfingeralongthestitchedhem,crossthecreaseswhereherhairhad
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been.Iundidthescarfonmyheadandtiedmauma’son.Lowonmyforehead,thewaysheworeit.
“How’dyougetit?”Isaid.
Sheshookherhead.“Iguessyououghttoknow.Thenightyourmaumadisappeared,sheshowedupatourdoor.DenmarksaidtheGuardwouldbelookingforawomanwitharedscarf,soI
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tookhersandgaveheroneofmine.Aplainbrownonethatwouldn’tdrawnotice.”
“Youhelpedher?Youhelpedhergetaway?”
Shedidn’tgiveanykindofanswer,shesaid,“IdowhatDenmarksaysdo.”Thenshesashayedoffwithherheadstrippedbare.
Isewedthroughthatdayand
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nightandallthenextdayandnight,andthewholetimeIworemauma’sscarf.ThewholetimeIthoughtabouthershowingupatMr.Vesey’sthatnight,howheknewmorethanhewassaying.
EverytimeItookthedressupstairsforfittings,thehousewouldbeinatizzygettingreadyforthemourners.Missussaidhalf
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thecitywascoming.Aunt-SisterandPhoebewerebakingfuneralbiscuitsandseeingtotheteasets.BinahshroudedthepaintingsandmirrorswithblackswagsandEliwasputtocleaning.Mintahadtheworstjob,intheregettinghankiesandtakingthebrunt.
TomfrysetupmasterGrimké’sportraitinthedrawingroomandfixeda
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tablewithtokens.Hadhisbeavertophatandstickpinsandthebooksoflawhewrote.Thomasbroughtoveraclothbannerthatsaid,Gone,ButNotForgotten,andTomfryputthatonthetable,too,withaclockstoppedtothehourofhisdeath.Missusdidn’tknowthetimeexact.Sarahhadwrittenhepassedinthelateafternoon,somissussaid,justmakeit4:30.
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Whenshewasn’tcrying,shewasfumingthatSarahhadn’thadthesensetocutoffalockofmasterGrimké’shairandputitintheletter.Itleftherwithoutanythingtogoinhergoldmourningbrooch.Anotherthingshedidn’tlikewasthenoticethatcameoutintheMercury.Itsaidhe’dbeenlaidtorestintheNorthwithoutfamilyorfriendsandthiswouldsurely
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beatravailtoagreatsonofSouthCarolina.
Idon’tknowhowIgotthedressdoneintime.ItwasthefinestdressIevermade.Istrunghundredsofblackglassbeads,thensewedthestrandsintoacollarthatlookedlikeaspiderweb.Ifitteditroundtheneckandletitdrapetothebust.Whenmissussawit,shesaidtheoneandonlykindthingI
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can’tforget.Shesaid,“Why,Hetty,yourmotherwouldbeproud.”
IwentthroughthewindowandoverthewallonaSundayafterthecallershadquitcomingbytogivetheircondolence.Itwasourdayoffandtheservantswerelollingroundandmissuswasshutawayinherroom.Ihad
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ashortwalkpastthefrontofthehousebeforeIcouldfeelsafe,andcomingroundthesideofit,IsawTomfryonthefrontsteps,hagglingwiththeslaveboywhohucksteredfish.Theywerebentoverwhatlookedlikeafifty-poundbasketofflounders.Iputmyheaddownandkeptgoing.
“Handful!Isthatyou?”WhenIlookedup,
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Tomfrywasstaringatmefromthetopstep.Hewasoldnow,withmilkinhiseyes,anditcrossedmymindtosay,No,I’msomebodyelse,butthen,hecould’veseenthecaneinmyhand.Youcouldn’tmisjudgethat.Isaid,“Yeah,it’sme.I’mgoingtothemarket.”
“Whosaidyoucouldgo?”
IhadSarah’spassinmy
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pocket,butseemedlikehe’dquestionthat—shewasstillupnorth,waitingtosailhome.Istoodonthesidewalkstucktothespot.
Hesaid,“Whatyoudoingouthere?Answerme.”
Offinmyhead,Icouldhearthetreadmillgrind.
Ashapemovedatthefrontwindow.Nina.Thenthefrontdooropened,andshesaid,“Whatisit,Tomfry?”
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“Handfulouthere.I’mtryingtoseewhatshe’sdoing.”
“Oh.She’sdoinganerrandforme,that’sall.PleasesaynothingtoMother,Idon’twantherbothered.”Thenshecalleddowntome,“Carryon.”
Tomfrywentbacktothefishhuckster.Icouldn’tgetmylegstomovefastenough.AtGeorgeStreet,Istopped
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andlookedback.Ninawasstilloutthere,watchingmego.Sheliftedherhandandgavemeawave.
Closeto20Bull,therewasalittlejugbandgoing—threeboysblowingonbigjarsandGullahJack,Mr.Vesey’sman,slappinghisdrum.Acrowdofcoloredfolkswasgathered,andtwoofthewomenstarteddoingwhatwecalledstepping.I
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stoppedtowatchcausetheywereStruttingMissLucy.Mostly,IkeptmyeyeonGullahJack.Hehadfatsidewhiskersandwasbouncingonhisshortlegs.Whenhefinishedthetune,hetuckedthedrumunderhisarmandheadeddownthestreettoMr.Vesey’s.Me,followingbehind.
Icouldseesmokefromthekitchenhouse,andwent
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backthereandknocked.Susanletmein,saying,“Well,I’msurprisedittookyouthislong.”ShesaidIcouldgivehersomehelp,themenwereinthefrontroom,meeting.
“Meetingaboutwhat?”Sheshrugged.“Don’t
know,don’twannaknow.”Ihelpedherchop
cabbagesandcarrotsfortheirsupper,andwhenshecarried
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abottleofMadeiratothem,Itrailedher.Iwaitedoutsidethedoor,whileshepouredtheirglasses,butIcouldseethematthetable:Mr.Vesey,GullahJack,PeterPoyas,MondayGell,plustwowhobelongedtothegovernor,RollaBennettandNedBennett.Ikneweveryoneofthemfromchurch.Theywereallslaves,exceptMr.Vesey.Lateron,he’dstartcalling
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themhislieutenants.Islunkbackintothe
hallwayandletSusangobacktothekitchenhousewithoutme.ThenIeasedtothedoor,closeasIcouldwithoutgettingseen.
ItsoundedlikeMr.Veseywasdivvyingupalltheslavesinthestate.“I’lltaketheFrenchNegroesontheSantee,andJack,youtaketheslavesontheSeaIslands.The
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onesthat’llbehardtoenlistarethecountryslavesoutontheplantations.Peter,youandMondayknowthembest.Rolla,I’mgivingyouthecityslaves,andNed,theonesontheNeck.”
HisvoicedroppedandIcreptalittlecloser.“Keepalistofeverybodyyoudraft.Andkeepthatlistsafeonpainofdeath.Telleverybody,bepatient,thedayis
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coming.”Idon’tknowwherehe
camefrom,butGullahJackwasontopofmebeforeIcouldturnmyhead.Hegrabbedmefrombehindandthrewmeintotheroom,myrabbitcaneflying.Ibouncedoffthewallandlandedflat.
Hestuckhisfootonmychest,pressingmetothefloor.“Who’reyou?”
“Takeyournastyfootoff
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me!”Ispitathimandthespewfellbackonmyface.
Heraisedahandlikehewasreadytostrike,andfromtheedgeofmyeye,IsawDenmarkVeseypickhimupbythecollarandflinghimhalfcrosstheroom.Thenhepulledmeup.“Youallright?”
MyarmsweretremblingsobadIcouldn’tholdthemstill.
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“Everythingyouheardinhere,youkeeptoyourself,”hetoldme.
Inoddedagain,andheputhisarmroundmetostoptheshaking.
TurningtoGullahJackandtherestofthem,hesaid,“Thisisthedaughterofmywifeandthesisterofmychild.She’sfamily,andthatmeansyoudon’tlayahandonher.”
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Hetoldthementogoonbacktohisworkshop.Wewaitedwhiletheyscrapedthechairsbackandeasedfromtheroom.
So,hecountedmaumaoneofhiswives.I’mfamily.
Hepulledachairforme.“Here,sitdown.What’reyoudoinghere?”
“Icametofindoutthetruthofwhathappenedtomauma.Iknowyouknow.”
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“Somethingsarebetternottoknow,”hesaid.
“Well,that’snotwhattheBiblepreaches.Itsaysifyouknowthetruth,it’llsetyoufree.”
Hecircledthetable.“Allright,then.”Heclosedthewindowsothetruthwouldstayintheroomandnotfloatoutfortheworldtohear.
“ThedayCharlottegotintroublewiththeGuard,she
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camehere.IwasintheworkshopandwhenIlookedup,thereshewas.They’dchasedherallthewaytothericemillpond,whereshehidinsideasackinthemillhouse.Shehadricehullsalloverherdress.Ikeptherheretilldark,thenItookhertotheNeck,wherethepolicingislight.Itookhertheretohide.”
TheNeckwasjustnorthofthecityandhadlotsof
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tenementhousesforfreeblacksandslaveswhoseownersletthem“liveout.”Negrohuts,theycalledthem.Itriedtopictureone,picturemaumainit.
“Iknewafreeblacktherewhohadaroom,andhetookherin.ShesaidwhentheGuardstoppedsearchingforher,she’dgobacktotheGrimkésandthrowherselfontheirmercy.”He’dbeen
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pacing,butnowhesatdownnexttomeandfinishedupthetruthquickashecould.“OnenightshewentouttotheprivyinRadcliffAlleyandtherewasawhitemanthere,aslavepoachernamedRobertMartin.Hewaswaitingforher.”
Anoisefilledmyhead,awailingsoundsoloudIcouldn’thear.“Apoacher,what’sapoacher?”
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“Somebodythatstealsslaves.They’reworsethanscum.Weallknewthisman—hehadawagon-tradeintheseparts.First,regulargoods,thenhestartedbuyingslaves,thenhestartedstealingslaves.HehuntedforthemintheNeck.He’dkeephiseartothegroundandgoaftertherunaways.MorethanonepersonsawhimtakeCharlotte.”
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“Hetookher?Hesoldheroffsomewhere?”
Iwasonmyfeet,screamingoverthenoiseinmyskull.“Whydidn’tyoulookforher?”
Hetookmebytheshouldersandgavemeashake.Hiseyesweresparkinglikeflint.Hesaid,“GullahJackandIlookedfortwodays.Welookedeverywhere,butshewasgone.”
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SarahImadethelaboriousjourneybacktoPhiladelphia,whereIfoundlodgingatthesamehouseonSocietyHillwhereFatherandIhadboardedearlier,expectingtostayonlyuntiltheshipsailed,butontheappointedmorning—mytrunkpackedandthecarriage
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waiting—somethingstrangeandunknowninsideofmebalked.
Mrs.Todd,whorentedtheroomtome,tappedatmydoor.“MissGrimké,thecarriage—it’swaiting.MayIsendthedrivertocollectthetrunk?”
Ididn’tanswerimmediately,butstoodatthewindowandstaredoutattheleafyvineonthepicketfence,
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atthecobblestreetlinedwithsycamoretrees,thelightfallinginquiet,mottledpatterns,andbeneathmybreathIwhispered,“No.”
Iturnedtoher,untyingmybonnet.Itwasblackwithasmallrufflesuitableformourning.I’dpurchaseditonHighStreetthedaybefore,maneuveringaloneintheshopswithnoonetopleasebutmyself,thencomebackto
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thissimpleroomwheretherewerenoservantsorslaves,noimmoderatefurnitureorfiligreeorgoldleaf,noonesummoningmetoteawithvisitorsIdidn’tcarefor,noexpectationsofanykind,justthislittleroomwhereItookcareofeverythingmyself,evenspreadingmyownbedandseeingtomylaundry.IturnedtoMrs.Todd.“...Iwouldliketokeeptherooma
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bitlonger,ifImay.”Shelookedconfused.
“You’renotleavingasplanned?”
“No,Iwouldliketostayawhile.Onlyawhile.”
ItoldmyselfitwasbecauseIwantedtogrieveinprivate.Really,wasthatsoimplausible?
Mrs.Toddwasthewifeofastrugglinglawclerkandsheclaspedmyhand.“You’re
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welcometostayaslongasyouwish.”
IwroteasolicitouslettertoMother,explainingtheunexplainable:FatherhaddiedandIwasn’tcominghomestraightaway.Ineedtogrievealone.
Mother’sletterinresponsearrivedinSeptember.Hersmall,tightscrawlwasthickwithfuryandink.Mybehaviorwas
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shameful,selfish,cruel.“Howcouldyouabandonmeinmydarkesthour?”shewrote.
Iburnedherletterinthefireplace,butherwordsleftcontusionsofguilt.Therewastruthinwhatshe’dwritten.Iwasselfish.I’dabandonedmymother.Nina,aswell.Ianguishedoverit,butIdidn’tpackmytrunk.
Ispentmydaysasa
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malingerer.IsleptwheneverIwastired,ofteninthemiddleoftheday.Mrs.Toddgaveuponmypresenceatappointedmealsandreservedmyfoodinthekitchen.Iwouldtakeittomyroomatoddhours,thenwashmyowndishes.Therewerefewbookstoread,butIwroteinalittlejournalI’dbought,mostlyaboutFather’slastdays,andIpracticedmyscriptureverses
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withasetofBibleflashcards.Iwalkedupanddownthestreetsbeneaththesycamoresastheyturnedblonde,thenbronze,venturingfurtherandfurthereachday—toWashingtonSquare,PhilosophicalHall,OldSt.Mary’s,andonce,quitebyaccident,TheManFullofTroubleTavernwhereIheardshoutingandcrockerybreaking.
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OneSundaywhentheairwascrispandrazor-cutwithlight,Iwalkedankle-deepinfallenleavesallthewaytoArchStreet,whereIcameuponaQuakermeetinghouseofsuchsizeIpausedtostare.InCharleston,wehadoneteenyFriendsHouse,somethingofadilapidation,towhich,itwassaid,noonecamebuttwocantankerousoldmen.AsIstoodthere,
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peoplebegantostreamfromthecentraldoor,thewomenandgirlscladindismal,excoriateddressesthatmadeusPresbyteriansseemalmostflamboyant.Eventhechildrenworedrabcoatsandgravelittlefaces.Iobservedthemagainsttheredbricks,thesteeple-lessroof,theplainshutteredwindows,andIfeltrepelled.I’dheardtheysatinsilence,waitingforsomeone
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toutterhismostinwardintimacieswithGodoutloudforeveryonetohear.Itsoundedterrifyingtome.
NotwithstandingtheQuakers,thosedayswereverymuchlikethemomentsI’dfloatedintheoceanatLongBranchbeneaththewhiteflag.Avitalityinhabitedthoseweeks,almostlikeasecondheartbeatinginmychest.I’dfoundIcould
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managequitewellonmyown.HaditnotbeenforFather’sdeath,Imighthavebeenhappy.
WhenNovemberarrived,however,IknewIcouldn’tremainanylonger.Winterwascoming.Theseawouldbecometreacherous.Ipackedmytrunk.
Theshipwasacutter,which
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gavemehopeofreachingCharlestonintendays.I’dbookedfirst-classpassage,butmystateroomwasdarkandcrampedwithnothingbutawallmereclosetandatwo-footberth.Asoftenaspossible,Ihazardedabovedecktofeelthecold,bracingwinds,huddlingwiththeotherpassengersontheleeside.
Onthethirdmorning,I
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wokeneardawnanddressedquickly,notbotheringtobraidmyhair.Thestale,suffocatingroomfeltlikeasepulcher,andIsurfacedabovedeckwithmycarrothairflying,expectingtobealone,yettherewasanotheralreadyattherail.Pullingupthehoodofmycloak,Isoughtaspotawayfromhim.
Atiny,whiteballofmoonwasstillinthesky,
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clingingtothelastbitofnight.Belowitathinlineofbluelightranthelengthofthehorizon.Iwatcheditgrow.
“Howarethee?”aman’svoicesaid,usingtheformalQuakergreetingI’doftenheardinPhiladelphia.
AsIturnedtohim,strandsofmyhairslippedfromthehoodandwhippedwildlyaboutmyface.“...
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I’mfine,sir.”Hehadadramaticcleftin
hischinandpiercingbrowneyesoverwhichhisbrowsslantedupwardliketheslopesofatinyhill.Heworesimplebreecheswithsilverkneebuckles,adarkcoat,andathree-corneredhat.Alockofhair,darkascoal,tossedonhisforehead.IguessedhimtobesomeyearsolderthanI,perhapstenormore.I’dseen
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himondeckbefore,andonthefirstnight,intheship’sdiningquarterswithhiswifeandeightchildren,sixboys,twogirls.I’dthoughtthenhowtiredshelooked.
“MynameisIsraelMorris,”hesaid.
Later,IwouldwonderiftheFateshadplacedmethere,ifthey’dbeentheoneswho’dkeptmelingeringinPhiladelphiaforthreemonths
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untilthisparticularshipsailed,thoughofcourse,wePresbyteriansbelieveditwasGodwhoarrangedpropitiousencounterslikethese,notmythologicalwomenwithspindles,threads,andshears.
Themainsailsweresnappingandwheezing,makingagreatracket.Itoldhimmyname,andthenwestoodforamoment,gazingattherisingbrightness,atthe
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seabirdssuddenlymakingsoaringarcsinthesky.Hetoldmehiswife,Rebecca,wasquarantinedintheircabintendingtheiryoungesttwo,who’dbecomesickwithdysentery.Hewasabroker,acommissionmerchant,andthoughhewasmodest,Icouldtellhe’dbeenprosperousatit.
Inturn,ItoldhimaboutthesojournI’dmadewithmy
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fatherandhisunexpecteddeath.Thewordsslidfluidlyoffmytongue,withonlyanoccasionalstammer.Icouldonlyattributeittothesweepandflowofwateraroundus.
“Please,acceptmysympathies,”hesaid.“Itmusthavebeendifficult,caringforyourfatheralone.Couldyourhusbandnottravelwithyou?”
“Myhusband?Oh,Mr.Morris,I’mnotmarried.”
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Hisfaceflushed.Wantingtoeasethe
moment,Isaid,“Iassureyou,it’snotamatterthatconcernsmemuch.”
Helaughedandaskedaboutmyfamily,aboutourlifeinCharleston.WhenItoldhimaboutthehouseonEastBayandtheplantationintheupcountry,hislivelyexpressiondiedaway.“Youownslavesthen?”
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“...Myfamilydoes,yes.ButI,myself,don’tcondoneit.”
“Yetyoucastyourlotwiththosewhodo?”
Ibristled.“...Theyaremyfamily,sir.Whatwouldyouhavemedo?”
Hegazedatmewithkindnessandpity.“Toremainsilentinthefaceofevilisitselfaformofevil.”
Iturnedfromhimtoward
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theglassywater.Whatkindofmanwouldspeaklikethis?ASoutherngentlemanwouldassoonswallowhistongue.
“Forgivemybluntness,”hesaid.“I’maQuaker.Webelieveslaverytobeanabomination.It’sanimportantpartofourfaith.”
“...IhappentobePresbyterian,andwhilewedon’thaveananti-slaverydoctrinelikeyou,it’san
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importantpartofmyfaith,aswell.”
“Ofcourse.Myapologies.I’mafraidthere’sazealotinmeI’matalosstocontrol.”Hepulledattherimofhishatandsmiled.“Imustseeaboutbreakfastformyfamily.Ihopewemightspeakagain,MissGrimké.Goodday.”
Ithoughtofnothingbuthimforthenexttwodays.Hedisturbednearlyevery
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wakingminute,andevenmysleep.IwasdrawntohiminadeeperwaythanI’dbeentoBurke,andthat’swhatfrightenedme.Iwasdrawntohisbrutalconscience,tohisrepulsiveQuakerism,totheforceofhisideas,theforceofhim.Hewasmarried,andforthatIwasgrateful.Forthat,Iwassafe.
Heapproachedmeinthediningroomonthesixthday
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ofthevoyage.Theshipwasscuddingbeforeagaleandwe’dbeenbannedfromabovedeck.“MayIjoinyou?”heasked.
“...Ifyoulike.”Heatflaredinmychest.Ifeltittraveltomycheeks,turningthemtocrabapples.“...Areyourchildrenrecovered?Andyourwife?Hasshestayedwell?”
“Thesicknessismaking
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itswaythroughallofthechildrennow,butthey’rerecoveringthankstoRebecca.Wecouldn’tmanageasingledaywithouther.Sheis—”Hebrokeoff,butwhenIwentongazingathimexpectantly,hefinishedhissentence.“Theperfectmother.”
Withouthishat,helookedyounger.Thatchesandsprigsofblackhairwavedinrandomdirections.Hehad
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tiredsmudgesbeneathhiseyes,andIimaginedtheywerefromhelpinghiswifenursethechildren,buthepulledawornleatherbookfromhisvest,sayinghe’dstayeduplateinthenight,reading.“It’sthejournalofJohnWoolman.He’sagreatdefenderofourfaith.”
AstheconversationturnedonceagaintoQuakerism,heopenedthe
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bookandreadfragmentstome,attemptingtoeducatemeabouttheirbeliefs.“Everyoneisofequalworth,”hesaid.“Ourministersarefemaleaswellasmale.”
“Female?”Iaskedsomanyquestionsaboutthisoddity,hebecameamused.
“ShouldIassumethatfemaleworth,likeabolition,isalsopartofyourpersonalfaith?”hesaid.
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“...I’velongwishedforavocationofmyown.”
“You’reararewoman.”“SomewouldsayI’mnot
somuchrare,asradical.”Hesmiledandhisbrows
liftedonhisforehead,theiroddtiltdeepening.“IsitpossibleaQuakerlurksbeneaththatPresbyterianskinofyours?”
“Notatall,”Itoldhim.Butlater,inprivate,Iwasn’t
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sure.Tocondemnslaverywasonething—thatIcoulddoinmyownindividualheart—butfemaleministers!
Throughoutthefewremainingdaysonship,wecontinuedourtalksinthewind-poundedworldabovedeck,aswellasthediningquarters,whereitsmelledofboiledriceandcigars.WediscussednotonlytheQuakers,buttheology,
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philosophy,andthepoliticsofemancipation.Hewasofthemindthatabolitionshouldbegradual.Iargueditshouldbeimmediate.He’dfoundanintellectualcompanioninme,butIcouldn’tcompletelyunderstandwhyhe’dbefriendedme.
Thelastnightaboard,IsraelaskedifIwouldcomeandmeethisfamilyinthediningroom.Hiswife,
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Rebecca,heldtheiryoungestonherlap,acryingtotnomorethanthree,whoseredfacebouncedlikeawoodpeckeragainsthershoulder.Shewasoneofthoseslight,gossamerwomen,whosebodyseemedspunfromair.Herhairwaslightasstraw,drawnbackandmiddle-partedwithwispsfallingaboutherface.
Shepattedthechild’s
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back.“Israelspeakshighlyofyou.Hesaysyou’vebeenkindenoughtolistenasheexplainedourfaith.Ihopehedidn’ttireyou.Hecanbeunrelenting.”Shesmiledatmeinaconspiratorialway.
Ididn’twanthertobesoprettyandcharming.“...Well,hewascertainlythorough,”Isaid,andherlaughtergurgledup.IlookedatIsrael.Hewasbeamingat
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her.“Ifyoureturntothe
North,youmustcomeandstaywithus,”Rebeccasaid,thensheherdedthechildrentotheircabin.
Israellingeredamomentlonger,pullingoutJohnWoolman’sjournal.“Pleaseacceptit.”
“Butit’syourowncopy.Icouldn’tpossiblytakeit.”
“Itwouldpleaseme
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greatly—I’llgetanotherwhenIreturntoPhiladelphia.Ionlyaskthatafteryoureadit,youwritetomeofyourimpressions.”Heopenedthebookandshowedmeapieceofpaperonwhichhe’dwrittenhisaddress.
Thatnight,afterIblewoutthewick,Ilayawake,thinkingofthebooktuckedinmytrunkandtheaddresssecretedinside.Afteryou
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readit,writetome.Thewatermovedbeneathme,rushingtowardCharlestonintotheswayingdark.
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HandfulWhentheyplantosellyou,thefirstthingtheysayis,gowashyourteeth.That’swhatAunt-Sisteralwaystoldus.Shesaidwhentheslavesgotsoldonthestreets,thewhitemencheckedtheirteethbeforeanythingelse.Noneofuswerethinkingaboutteeth
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aftermasterGrimkédied,though.Wethoughtlifewouldgooninthesameoldgrudgeries.
ThelawyershoweduptoreadthewilltwodaysafterSarahgotbackfromtheNorth.Wegatheredinthediningroom,everyoneoftheGrimkéchildrenandeveryslave.Seemedoddtomewhymissuswantedusslaveshere.Westoodinastraightlinein
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thebackoftheroom,half-thinkingwe’repartofthefamily.
SarahwasononesideofthetableandNinaontheother.Sarahwouldlookoverathersisterwithasadsmile,andNinawouldglanceaway.Thosetwowereinamiff.
Missushadonherniceblackmourningdress.IwantedtotellhersheneededtotakeitoffandletMariah
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launderitcauseithadgrayarmpitrings.Seemedlikeshe’dworniteverydaysincelastAugust,butyoucouldn’ttellherathing.Thewomangotworseinherwaysbytheday.
Thelawyer,hisnamewasMr.Huger,stoodupwithahandfulofpapersandsaiditwasthelastwillandtestamentofJohnFaucheraudGrimké,drawnuplastMay.
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Hereadthewherefores,towits,andhithermores.ItwasworsethantheBible.
Missusdidn’tgetthehouse.ThatwenttoHenry,whowasn’tpasteighteen,butleastshecouldstayinittillshedied.“Ileaveherthehouseholdfurniture,plate,platedware,acarriageandtwoofmyhorses,thestockofliquorsandprovisionswhichshallbeonhandatthetimeof
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mydeath.”Thiswentonandon.Allthegoodsandchattels.
Thenhereadsomethingthatmadethehairsonmyarmsraise.“SheshallreceiveanysixofmyNegroeswhomsheshallchoose,andtherestshewillsellordisperseamongmychildren,asshedetermines.”
Binahwasstandingnexttome.Iheardherwhisper,
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“Lord,no.”Ilookeddowntherowof
slaves.Therewasjustelevenofusnow—Rosettahadpassedoninhersleeptheyearbefore.
Sheshallreceiveanysix...therestshewillsellordisperse.Fiveofuswereleaving.O
Mintastartedtosniffle.Aunt-Sistersaid,“Hushup,”butevenheroldeyesdarted
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round,lookingscared.She’dtrainedPhoebetoogood.Tomfrywasgettingonwithage,too,andEli’sfingersweretwistedliketreetwigs.GoodisandSabewerestillyoung,butyoudon’tneedtwoslavesinthestablefortwohorses.Princewasstrongandworkedtheyard,buthehadglumspellsnow,sittingandstaringandblowinghisnoseonhisshirt.Mariahwas
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agoodworker,andIfiguredshe’dstay,butBinah,shemoanedunderherbreathcauseshewasthenurserymaumaandtherewasnomorechildrentorear.
Isaidtomyself,Missuswillneedaseamstress,butthenInoticedtheblackdressagain.Fromhereonout,allshe’dneedwasafewofthosetowear,andshecouldhiresomebodyforthat.
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Allofasudden,Sarahsaid,“...Fathercouldn’thavemeantthat!”
Missusshotheralookofvenom.“Yourfatherwrotethewordshimself,andwe’llhonorhiswishes.Wehavenochoice.PleaseallowMr.Hugertocontinue.”
Whenhestartedbackreading,Sarahlookedatmewiththesamesorrowfulblueeyesshe’dhadthedayshe
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turnedelevenyearsoldandIwasstandingbeforeherwiththelavenderribbonroundmyneck.Theworldwasabashed-inplaceandshecouldn’tfixit.
InDecember,everybodywasontheirlastnervewaitingformissustosaywho’dgoandwho’dstay.IfIwassold,howwouldmaumafindmeif
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shecameback?EverynightIputahot
brickinmybedtokeepmyfeetwarmandlaytherethinkinghowmaumawasalive.Outtheresomewhere.Iwonderedifthemanwhoboughtherwaskind.Iwonderedifhe’dputherinthefields.Wasshedoinganysewing?Didshehavemylittlebrotherorsisterwithher?Wasshestillwearingthe
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pouchroundherneck?Iknewshe’dgetbackhereifshecould.Thiswaswhereherspiritwas,inthetree.ThiswaswhereIwas.
Don’tletmebetheonethathastogo.
Missusdidn’thaveChristmasthatyear,butshesaidgoaheadandhaveJonkonnuifyouwantto.Thatwasacustomthatgotstartedafewyearsbackbroughtby
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theJamaicaslaves.Tomfrywoulddressupinashirtandpantstatteredwithstripsofbrightclothsewedon,andastovepipehatonhishead—whatwecalledtheRagman.We’dtraipsebehindhim,singingandbangingpots,windingtothebackdoor.He’dknockandmissusandeverybodywouldcomeoutandwatchhimdance.Thenmissuswouldhandoutlittle
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giftstous.Couldbeacoinoranewcandle.Sometimesascarforacobpipe.Thiswassupposedtokeepushappy.
Wedidn’texpecttofeelinthemoodthisyear,butonJonkonnuday,herecameTomfryintheyard,wearinghisshaggyoutfit,andwemadealotofclatterandforgotourtroublesforaminute.
Missussteppedoutfrom
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thebackdoorintheblackdresswithabasketofgifts,Sarah,Nina,Henry,andCharlesbehindher.Theyweretryingtosmileatus.EvenHenry,whotookafterhismauma,lookedlikeagrinningangel.
Tomfrydidhisjig.Twirled.Bounced.Waggedhisarms.Theribbonswhirledout,andwhenhewasdone,theyclapped,andhetookoff
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thetallhatandrubbedthecrustofgrayonhisscalp.Reachinginthebasket,missusgavethewomenthesenicefansmadewithpaintedpaper.Themengottwocoins,notone.
Theskyhadbeencastdownallday,butnowthesunbrokefree.Missusleanedonhergold-tipcaneandsquintedatus.ShecalledoutTomfry’sname.ThenBinah.
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Eli.Prince.Mariah.Shesaid,“Ihavesomethingextraforyou,”andhandedeachoneajarofgarglingoil.
“You’veservedmewell,”shetoldthem.“Tomfry,youwillgotoJohn’shousehold.Binah,youwillgotoThomas.Eli,I’msendingyoutoMary.”ThensheturnedtoPrinceandMariah.“I’msorrytosayyoumustbesold.It’snotmywish,butit’s
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necessary.”Nobodyspoke.Thequiet
satonuslikeastoneyoucouldn’tlift.
Mariahdroppeddownandwalkedonherkneestomissus,cryingforhertochangehermind.
Missuswipedhereyes.Thensheturnedandwentinthehousefollowedbyhersons,butSarahandNinastayedbehind,theirfacesfull
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ofpity.Theaxedidn’tfallonme.
Didn’tmyLorddeliverHandful?Theaxedidn’tfallonGoodiseither,andIfeltsurpriseoverthereliefthiscausedme.ButtherewasnoGodinanyofit.Nothingbutthefourofthemstandingthere,andMariah,stillonherknees.Icouldn’tbeartolookatTomfrywiththehatsquashedunderhisarm.
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PrinceandEli,studyingtheground.Binah,holdingherpaperfan,staringatPhoebe.Adaughtershe’dneverseeagain.
Missusdoledouttheirjobstotheonesofusleft.SabetookoverforTomfryasthebutler.Goodishadtheworkyard,thestable,anddrovethecarriage.Phoebegotthe
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laundry,andMintaandIgotEli’scleaningduties.
Whenthefirstoftheyearcame,missussetmetoworkontheEnglishchandelierinthedrawingroom.ShesaidElihadn’tshineditproperintenyears.Ithadtwenty-eightarmswithcrystalshadesandteardropsofcut-glasshangingdown.Usingtheladderandwearingwhitecottongloves,Itookitapartandlaiditout
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onthetableandshineditwithammonia.Then,Icouldn’tfigureouthowtoputthethingbacktogether.
IfoundSarahinherroom,readingaleatherbook.“We’llfigureitout,”shesaid.Wehadn’ttalkedmuchsinceshegotback—sheseemedwoebegoneallthetime,alwaysstuckinthatsamebook.
Afterwefinallygotthe
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chandelierbackontheceilinginonepiece,tearsflaredupinhereyes.Isaid,“Yousadaboutyourdaddy?”
Sheansweredmethestrangestway,andIknewwhatshesaidwastherealhurtshe’dbroughtbackwithher.“...I’mtwenty-sevenyearsold,Handful,andthisismylifenow.”Shelookedroundtheroom,upatthechandelier,andbackatme.
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“...Thisismylife.Rightherefortherestofmydays.”Hervoicebrokeandshecoveredhermouthwithherhand.
Shewastrappedsameasme,butshewastrappedbyhermind,bythemindsofthepeopleroundher,notbythelaw.AttheAfricanchurch,Mr.Veseyusedtosay,Becareful,youcangetenslavedtwice,onceinyourbodyand
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onceinyourmind.Itriedtotellherthat.I
said,“Mybodymightbeaslave,butnotmymind.Foryou,it’stheotherwayround.”
Sheblinkedatmeandthetearscameagain,shininglikecut-glass.
ThedayBinahleft,IheardPhoebecryingalltheway
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fromthekitchenhouse.
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Sarah
1February1820DearIsrael,HowoftenIhave
thoughtofourconversationsonboardship!Ireadthebookyouentrustedtomeandmyspiritwasdeeplykindled.Thereareso
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manythingsIwishtoaskyou!HowIwishweweretogetheragain—
3February1820DearMr.Morris,Afterbeingaway
fromtheevilsofslaveryforsixmonths,mymindburstwithnewhorroratseeingitagainonmyreturntoCharleston.Itwasmadealltheworse
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uponreadingthebookyougaveme.Ihavenowheretoturnbutyou—
10February1820DearMr.Morris,Itrustyouarewell.
Howisyourdearwife,Rebecca—
11February1820Thankyou,sir,for
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thebook.IfindabewilderingbeautyinyourQuakerbeliefs—thenotionthereisaseedoflightinsideofus,amysteriousInnerVoice.WouldyoukindlyadvisemehowthisVoice—
Iwrotetohimoverandover,lettersIcouldn’tfinish.Invariably,Iwouldstopmid-
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sentence.Iwouldlaydownthequill,foldtheletter,andconcealitwiththerestatthebackofmydeskdrawer.
Itwasthemiddleoftheafternoon,thewintergloomhoveringasIpulledoutthethickbundle,untiedtheblacksatinribbon,andaddedtheletterofFebruary11totheheap.Mailingtheletterswouldonlybringanguish.Iwastoodrawntohim.Every
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letterheansweredwouldincitemyfeelingsmore.AnditwoulddonogoodtohavehimencouragingmetowardQuakerdom.TheQuakerswereadespisedsecthere,regardedasanomalous,plain-dressed,andstrange,atinyclusterofjarringlyeccentricpeoplewhodrewstaresonthestreet.Surely,Ididn’tneedtoinvitethatkindofridiculeandshun.And
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Mother—shewouldneverallowit.
Hearinghercaneonthepineflooroutside,Isnatchedupthelettersandyankedopenthedrawer,myhandsfumblingwithpanic.Thestationerycascadedintomylapandontotherug.AsIstoopedtocollectit,thedoorswungopenwithoutaknockandshestoodframedintheopening,hereyesmoving
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acrossmyhiddencache.Ilookedupatherwiththe
blackribbonfurlingfrommyfingers.
“You’reneededinthelibrary,”shesaid.Icouldn’tdetecttheslightestcuriosityinheraboutthecontentsI’dspilled.“Sabeispackingyourfather’sbooks—Ineedyoutooverseethathedoesitproperly.”
“Packing?”
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“TheywillbedividedbetweenThomasandJohn,”shesaid,andturning,leftme.
Igathereduptheletters,tiedthemwiththeribbon,andslippedthembackintothedrawer.WhyIkeptthem,Ididn’tknow—itwasfoolish.
WhenIarrivedinthelibrary,Sabewasn’tthere.He’demptiedmostoftheshelves,stackingthebooksinseverallargetrunks,which
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satopenonthefloor,thesamefloorwhereI’dkneltallthoseyearsagowhenFatherforbademethebooks.Ididn’twanttothinkofit,ofthatterribletime,oftheroomstrippednow,thebookslosttome,alwayslost.
IsankintoFather’schair.Theclockinthemainpassageclicked,magnifying,andIfelttheshadowsgatheringinsideofmeagain,worsethis
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time.Sincereturning,I’dslippedfurtherintomelancholyeachday.ItwasthesametroughofdarknessI’dfallenintowhenIwastwelveandthelifehadgoneoutofeverything.MotherhadsummonedDr.Geddingsbackthen,andIfearedshemightdosoagain.Everyday,Iforcedmyselftocomedownfortea.Ienduredthevisitationsfromherfriends.I
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keptupmyattendanceatchurch,atBiblestudy,atalmsmeetings.IsatwithMotherinthemornings,hoopsofembroideryonourlaps,willingtheneedlethroughthecloth.She’dgivenmethetaskofhouseholdrecords,andeachweekIsortedthroughthesupplies,writinginventoriesandprocurementlists.Thehouse,theslaves,Charleston,
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Mother,thePresbyterians—theywerethewoofandwarpofeverything.
Ninahadpulledaway.ShewasangryatmeforremaininginPhiladelphiaafterFatherdied.“Youdon’tknowwhatitwaslikealonehere,”she’dcried.“Motherinstructedmeconstantlyintheerrorofmyways,everythingfromchurchtoslaverytomyrebellious
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nature.Itwashorrible!”I’dbeenthebuffer
betweenherandMother,andmyremainingawayforsolonghadleftherexposed.“I’msorry,”Itoldher.
“Youonlywrotetomeonce!”Herbeautifulfacewascontortedwithhurtandresentment.“Once.”
Itwastrue.I’dbeensoenamoredwithmyfreedomupthere,Ihadn’tbothered.
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“I’msorry,”Isaidagain.Iknewintimeshewould
forgivetheselfishmonthsI’dabandonedher,butIsensedtheestrangementcamefrommorethanthat.Atfifteen,sheneededtobreakaway,tocomeoutfrommyshadow,tounderstandwhoshewasseparatefromme.MyretreattoPhiladelphiawasonlytheexcusesheneededtodeclareherindependence.
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Asshefledtoherroomthedayofourconfrontation,sheshouted,“Motherwasright,Ihavenomindofmyown.Onlyyours!”
Wepassednowlikestrangers.Iletherbe,butitaddedtomydespair.
Istaredatthetrunksofbooksonthelibraryfloor,rememberingthepangsI’doncehadforaprofession,forsomepurpose.Theworldhad
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beensuchabeckoningplaceonce.
Sabestillhadnotreturned.Igotupfrommychairandrummagednostalgicallyamongthebooks,cominguponTheSacredBiographyofJeanned’ArcofFrance.Icouldn’tsayhowmanytimesI’dreadthatwondrouslittlevolumeofSaintJoan’sbraverybeforeFatherhadbannedmefrom
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hislibrary.Openingitnow,Igazedatasketchofhercoatofarms—twofleursdelis.I’dforgottenitwasthere,anditmadesuddensensetomewhyI’dlatchedontothefleurdelisbuttonwhenIwaseleven.Islippedthebookbeneathmyshawl.
Thatnight,unabletosleep,Iheardtheclockdownstairsbongtwo,thenthree.Therainbegansoon
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after,beatingwithoutmercyagainstthepiazzaandthewindows.Iclimbedfromthecoversandlitthelantern.IwouldwritetoIsrael.Iwouldtellhimhowmelancholyswallowedmeattimes,howIalmostfeltthegravewouldbearefuge.IwouldwriteyetanotherletterIwouldn’tmail.Perhapsitwouldrelieveme.
Ipulledopenthedeskdrawerandwatchedthelight
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tumbleinsideit.There,asI’dleftit,wasmyBibleandmyBlackstonecommentary,mystationery,ink,pen,ruler,andsealingwax,yetIdidn’tseethebundleofletters.Idrewthelampcloserandreachedmyhandintotheemptycorners.Theblackribbonwasthere,curledlikeamaliciousafterthought.MyletterstoIsraelweregone.
Iwantedtoscreamather.
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Theneedtookholdofmewithblindingviolence,andIflungopenmydoorandrusheddownthestairs,clingingtotherailasmyfeetseemedtosweepoutfromunderme.
Ibatteredherdoorwithmyfist,thenrattledtheknob.Itwaslocked.“...Howdareyoutakethem!”Ishrieked.“Howdareyou.Openthedoor.Openit!”
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Icouldn’timaginewhatshe’dthoughtonreadingmyintimateimploringstoastrangerintheNorth.AQuaker.Amanwithawife.DidshethinkI’dremainedinPhiladelphiaforhim?
Behindthedoor,IheardhercalltoMinta,whosleptonthefloornearherbed.Ipoundedagain.“...Openit!Youhadnoright!”
Shedidn’trespond,but
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Nina’sscaredvoicecamefromthestairlanding.“Sister?”
Lookingup,Isawherwhitegownglowinginthedark,HenryandCharlesbesideher,thethreeofthemlikewraiths.
“...Gotobed,”Isaid.Theirbarefeetslapped
thefloorandIheardthedoorstotheirroomsbangshutonebyone.Turning
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back,Iliftedmyfistagain,butmyragehadbeguntorecede,flowingbackintotheterribleplaceit’dcomefrom.Limpandexhausted,Ileanedmyheadagainstthedoorsill,hatingmyself.
Thenextmorning,Icouldn’tgetoutofbed.Itriedveryhard,butitwasasifsomethinginmehaddropped
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anchor.Irolledmyfaceintothepillow.Inolongercared.
Duringthedaysthatfollowed,Handfulbroughtmetraysoffood,whichIbarelytouched.Ihadnohungerforanythingexceptsleep,anditeludedme.SomenightsIwanderedontothepiazzaandstaredovertherailatthegarden,imaginingmyselffalling.
Handfulplacedagunny
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sackbesidemeonthebedoneday.“Openitup,”shesaid.WhenIdid,thesmellofcharwaftedout.Inside,Ifoundmyletters,singedandblackened.She’dfoundMintatossingthemintothefireinthekitchenhouse,asMotherhadordered.Handfulhadrescuedthemwithapoker.
Whenspringcameandmystateofminddidn’t
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improve,Dr.Geddingsarrived.Motherseemedgenuinelyafraidforme.Shevisitedmyroomwithhandfulsofdroopingjonquilsandspokesweetly,sayingIshouldcomeforastrollwithheronGadsdenGreen,orthatshe’daskedAunt-Sistertobakemearicepudding.Shebroughtmenotesofconcernfrommembersofmychurch,whowereunderthe
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impressionIhadpleurisy.Iwouldgazeatherblankly,thenlookawaytowardthewindow.
Ninavisited,too.“Wasitme?”sheasked.“DidIcauseyoutofeellikethis?”
“Oh,Nina,”Isaid.“...Youmustneverthinkthat...Ican’texplainwhat’swrongwithme,butit’snotyou.”
ThenonedayinMay,Thomasappeared.Heinsisted
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wesitontheporchwheretheairwaswarmandweighedwiththescentoflilacs.IlistenedashewentonheatedlyaboutarecentcompromiseinCongressthathadundonethebanonslaveryinMissouri.“ThatdamnableHenryClay!”hesaid.“TheGreatPacificator.Hehasstartedthecancerspreadingagain.”
Ihadnoideawhathewas
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talkingabout.Tomysurprise,though,Ifeltcurious.Later,IwouldrealizethatwasThomas’intention—creatingalittlepulleytotryandtowmeback.
“He’safool—hebelieveslettingslaveryintoMissouriwillplacatethefirebrandsdownhere,butit’sonlysplittingthecountryfurther.”Hereachedforthenewspaperhe’dbroughtandspreaditout
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forme.“Lookatthis.”Aletterhadbeenprinted
onthefrontpageoftheMercury,whichcalledClay’scompromiseafirebellinthenight.
Ithasawakenedandfilledmewithterror.IconsiderittheknelloftheUnion...Theletterwassigned,ThomasJefferson.
It’dbeensolongsinceI’dcaredwhatwashappening
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outthere.Someoldwrathsparkedinme.Hostilitytowardslaverymustbefindingsomeboldnewfooting!Why,itsoundedasifmybrotherhimselfwashostiletoit.
“...YouaresidedwiththeNorth?”Iasked.
“Ionlyknowwecan’tgoonblindtothesinofputtingpeopleinchains.Itmustcometoanend.”
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“...Areyoufreeingyourslaves,then,Thomas?”Askingitwasvindictive.Iknewhehadnosuchintention.
“Whileyouwereaway,IfoundedanAmericancolonizationchapterhereinCharleston.We’reraisingmoney.”
“...Pleasetellmeyou’renotstillhopingtobuyupalltheslavesandsendthemback
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toAfrica?”Ihadn’tfeltsuchfervorsincemydiscussionswithIsraelduringthevoyage.Mycheeksburnedwithit.“...Thatisyouranswertothespreadingcancer?”
“Itmaybeapooranswer,Sarah,butIcanimaginenoother.”
“...Mustourimaginationsbesofeebleasthat,Thomas?IftheUniondies,asouroldpresident
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says,itwillbefromlackofimagination...ItwillbefromSouthernhubris,andourloveofwealth,andthebrutalityofourhearts!”
Hestoodandlookeddownatme.Hesmiled.“Theresheis,”hesaid.“There’smysister.”
IcannotsayIbecamemyoldselfafterthat,butthemelancholygraduallylifted,replacedwiththejittery
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feelingofemerging,likeacreaturewithoutaskinorashell.Ibegantoeatthericepuddings.IsippedteasteepedinSt.John’sWort,andsatinthesun,andrereadtheQuakerbook.Ithoughtoftenofthefirebellinthenight.
Atmidsummer,withoutanyforethought,Itookoutasheetofstationery.
19July1820
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DearMr.Morris,Forgivemylong
delayinwritingtoyou.ThebookyougavemelastNovemberaboardshiphasbeenmyfaithfulcompanionforallthistime.TheQuakerbeliefsbeckontome,butIdonotknowifIhavethecouragetofollowthem.Therewouldbeagreat
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anddreadfulcost,ofthatI’mcertain.Iasknothing,exceptyourcounsel.
YoursMostTruly,SarahGrimké
IgavethelettertoHandful.“Guarditcarefully,”Itoldher.“Postityourselfintheafternoonmail.”
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WhenIsrael’sletterarrivedinreturn,Iwasinthewarmingkitchen,surveyingthepantriesandwritingalistoffoodsneededatthemarket.HandfulhadwaylaiditfromSabewhenitarrivedatthedoor.Shehandedittome,andwaited.
Itookabutterknifefromthedrawerandrippedtheseal.Ireadittwice,onceto
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myself,thenaloudtoher.
10September1820DearMissGrimké,Iwasgratifiedto
receiveyourletterandmostespeciallytolearnthatyouareswayedtotheQuakers.God’swayisnarrowandthecostisgreat.Iremindyouofthescripture:“Hethatfindshislifeshalllose
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it,andhethatloseshislifeshallfindit.”Donotfeartolosewhatneedstobelost.IregrettosayIhave
graveandsorrowfulnewstoimpart.MydearRebeccapassedawaylastJanuary.ShediedofamalignantinfluenzasoonafterourreturntoPhiladelphia.Mysister,Catherine,
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hascometocareforthechildren.Theymisstheirmother,asdoI,butwearecomfortedthatourbelovedwifeandmotheriswithGod.Writetome.Iam
heretoencourageyouinyourpath.
YourFriend,Israel
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Morris
Isatinmyroomatmiddaywithmyeyesclosedandmyfingerslacedinmylap,listeningfortheVoicetheQuakersseemedsosurewasinsideofus.I’dbeenindulginginthisdubiousactivitysincereceivingIsrael’sletter,thoughIdoubtedtheQuakers
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would’vecalleditanactivity.Forthem,thislisteningwastheultimateinactivity,akindofcapitulationtothestillnessofone’sprivateheart.IwantedtobelieveGodwouldeventuallyshowup,murmuringlittlecommandsandilluminations.Asusual,Iheardnothing.
I’drespondedtoIsrael’sletterimmediately,myhandshakingsobadlytheinklines
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hadappearedricketyonthepaper.I’dpouredoutmysympathy,myprayers,allsortsofpiousassurances.Everywordseemedtrite,liketheprattlethatwentonatmyBiblestudies.Ifeltprotectedbehindit.
He’drespondedwithanotherletterandourcorrespondencehadfinallybegun,consistingmostlyofearnestinquiresonmypart
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andbitsofguidanceonhis.IaskedhimpointedlywhattheInnerVoicesoundedlike.HowwillIrecognizeit?“Icannottellyou,”hewrote.“Butwhenyouhearit,youwillknow.”
Thatdaythesilencefeltunusuallydullandheavy,liketheweightofwater.Itcloggedmyearsandthrobbedagainstmydrums.Fidgetythoughtsdartedthroughmy
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mind,remindingmeofsquirrelslooseintheirtrees.PerhapsIwastooAnglican,tooPresbyterian,tooGrimkéforthis.Iliftedmyeyestothefireplaceandsawthecoalshadgoneout.
Justafewmoreminutes,Itoldmyself,andwhenmylidssankclosedagain,Ihadnoexpectations,nohope,noendeavoring—I’dgivenupontheVoice—anditwasthen
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mymindstoppedracingandIbegantofloatonsomequietstream.
Gonorth.Thevoicebrokeintomy
smalloblivion,droppinglikeadark,beautifulstone.
Icaughtmybreath.Itwasnotlikeacommonthought—itwasdistinct,shimmering,anddensewithGod.
Gonorth.Iopenedmyeyes.My
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heartleaptsowildlyIplacedahandacrossmybreastandpressed.
Itwasunthinkable.Unmarrieddaughtersdidn’tgoofftoliveunprotectedontheirowninaforeignplace.Theylivedathomewiththeirmothers,andwhentherewasnomother,withtheirsisters,andwhentherewerenosisters,withtheirbrothers.Theydidn’tbreakwith
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everythingandeveryonetheyknewandloved.Theydidn’tthrowovertheirlivesandtheirreputationsandtheirfamilyname.Theydidn’tcreatescandals.
Irosetomyfeetandpacedbeforethewindow,sayingtomyselfitwasn’tpossible.MotherwouldraindownArmageddon.VoiceornoVoice,shewouldputaswiftendtoit.
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Fatherhadleftallhispropertiesandthevastshareofhiswealthtohissons,buthehadn’tforgottenhisdaughters.He’dleftuseachtenthousanddollars,andifIwerefrugal,ifIlivedontheinterest,itwouldprovideformetherestofmylife.
Beyondthewindow,theskyloomedlarge,filledwithbrokenlight,andIrememberedsuddenlythat
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daylastwinterinthedrawingroomwhenHandfulcleanedthechandelier,theallegationshe’dleveledatme:Mybodymightbeaslave,butnotmymind.Foryou,it’stheotherwayround.I’ddismissedthewords—whatcouldsheknowofit?ButIsawnowhowexacttheywere.Mymindhadbeenshackled.
Istrodetomydresserandopenedthedrawerofmy
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Hepplewhite,theoneIneveropened,theonethatheldthelavabox.Insideit,IfoundthesilverbuttonHandfulhadreturnedtomesomeyearsago.Itwasblackwithtarnishandlongforgotten.Itookitinmypalm.
HowdoesoneknowthevoiceisGod’s?Ibelievedthevoicebiddingmetogonorthbelongedtohim,thoughperhapswhatIreallyheard
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thatdaywasmyownimpulsetofreedom.Perhapsitwasmyownvoice.Doesitmatter?
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PARTFOURSeptember1821–July
1822
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SarahThehousewasnamedGreenHill.WhenIsraelwrote,invitingmetostaywithhisfamilyinthecountrysideofPhiladelphia,I’dimaginedanairy,white-framehousewithabigverandaandshuttersthecolorofpine.Itwasashocktoarriveattheendofspring
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andfindasmallcastlemadeentirelyofstone.GreenHillwasamegalithicarrangementofpalegrayrocks,archedwindows,balconies,andturrets.Gazingupatitforthefirsttime,Ifeltlikeaproperexile.
Israel’slatewifeRebeccahadatleastmadetheinsideofthehousesoft.She’dfilleditwithhookedrugsandfloralpillows,withsimpleShaker
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furnitureandwallclocksfromwhichlittlebirdspoppedoutalldayandcoo-cooedthehour.Itwasaveryoddplace,butIcametolikelivinginsideaquarry.Ilikedthewaythestonefaçadeglistenedintherainandsilveredoverwhenthemoonwasfull.Ilikedhowthechildren’svoicesechoedinslowspiralsthroughtheroomsandhowtheairstayed
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dimandcoolintheheatoftheday.Mostly,Ilikedhowimpenetrableitfelt.
Itookupresidenceinagarretroomonthethirdfloor,followingmonthsofcorrespondencewithIsraelandendlessskirmisheswithMother.MytactichadbeentoconvinceherthewholethingwasGod’sidea.Shewasadevoutwoman.Ifanythingcouldtrumpher
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socialobsessions,itwaspiety,butwhenItoldherabouttheInnerVoice,shewashorrified.Inhermind,I’dgonethewayofthelunaticfemalesaintswho’dgottenthemselvesboiledinoilandburnedatthestake.WhenIfinallyconfessedImeanttoliveundertheroofofthemanI’dwrittenthosescandalous,unsentlettersto,shebrokeoutinsymptoms,
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coldsorestochestpain.Thechestpainswererealenough,asevidencedbyherdrawn,perspiringface,andIworriedmyintentionsmightliterallykillher.
“Ifthere’sashredofdecencyinyou,youwillnotrunofftoliveinthehouseofaQuakerwidower,”she’dshoutedduringourfinalclash.
Wewereinher
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bedchamberatthetime,andIstoodwithmybacktothewindow,lookingatherfacestreakedwithanger.
“...Israel’sunmarriedsisterlivesthere,too,”Itoldherforthetenthtime.“...I’msimplyrentingaroom.I’llhelpwiththechildren,I’mtobeinchargeofthegirls’lessons...It’sallveryrespectable.Thinkofmeasatutor.”
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“Atutor.”Shepressedthebackofherhandtoherforeheadasifwardingoffsomeheavenlydebris.“Thiswouldkillyourfather,ifheweren’talreadydead.”
“...Don’tbringFatherintothis.Hewouldwantmetobehappy.”
“Icannot—Iwillnotblessthis!”
“...ThenI’llgowithoutyourblessing.”Iwasdazedat
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myboldness.Shedrewbackinthe
chair,andIknewI’dstungher.Sheglaredatmewithtaut,blisteringeyes.“Thengo!Butkeepthissordidbusinessofhearingvoicestoyourself.You’regoingnorthforyourhealth,doyouunderstand?”
“...Andwhatexactlyismyaffliction?”
Shelookedtowardthe
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windowandseemedtosurveyapieceofthesaffronsky.Hersilencewentonforsolong,IwonderedifI’dbeendismissed.“Coughing,”shesaid.“Wefearyouhaveconsumption.”
ThatwasthepactImade.Motherwouldtoleratemysojournandrefrainfromseveringmefromthefamily,andIwouldpretendmylungswerethreatenedwith
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consumption.Duringthethreemonths
I’dbeenatGreenHill,I’doftenfeltdislocatedandhomesick.ImissedNina,andHandfulwasalwaysattheedgesofmymind.Tomysurprise,ImissedCharleston,certainlynotitsslaveryoritssocialcastes,butthewashoflightontheharbor,thesaltbriningtheair,BirdsofParadiseinthegardenswith
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theirorangeheadsraised,summerwindsflappingthehurricaneshuttersonthepiazzas.WhenIclosedmyeyes,IheardthebellsonStPhilip’sandsniffedthechokingsweetnessoftheprivethedgethatfelloverthecity.
Mercifully,thedaysherehadbeenbusy.Theywerefilledwitheightforlornchildrenrangingfromfive
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yearsallthewaytosixteenandthedomesticchoresIundertookforIsrael’ssister,Catherine.EveninmymostseverePresbyterianmoments,I’dbeennomatchforher.Shewasawell-meaningwomanafflictedwithanincurableprimness.Despiteherspectacles,shehadweak,wateryeyesthatcouldn’tseeenoughtothreadaneedleormeasureflour.Ididn’tknow
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howthey’dmanagedbeforeme.Thegirls’dresseswereunevenlyhemmedandwewereasapttogetsaltinthespongecakeassugar.
Therewerelong,weeklyridestotheArchStreetMeetinghouseintown,whereIwasnowaQuakerprobationer,havingenduredtheinterrogationfromtheCouncilofEldersaboutmyconvictions.Ihadonlyto
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waitnowfortheirdecisionandbeonmybestbehavior.
Everyevening,toCatherine’simmensedispleasure,IsraelandIwalkeddownthehilltothelittlepondtofeedtheducks.Deckedingreeniridescentfeathersandfancyblackhoods,theywerethemostun-Quakerofducks.Catherinehadoncecomparedtheirplumagetomydresses.“Do
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allSouthernladiesadornthemselvesinthisostentatiousmanner?”she’dasked.Ifthewomanonlyknew.I’dleftthemostgrandioseofmywardrobebehind.I’dgivenNinaanumberofsilkfrocksadornedwitheverythingfromfeatherstofur;alavishlaceheaddress;animportedvan-dykedcap;ashawlofflouncedtulle;alapisbrooch;
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strandsofpearls;afaninlaidwithtinymirrors.
Atsomepoint,Iwouldhavetoun-trimmybonnet.Iwouldhavetogothroughtheformaldivestment,gettingridofallmylovelythingsandresortingtograydressesandbarebonnets,whichwouldmakemeappearplainerthanIalreadywas.Catherinehadalreadypresentedseveralofthesemousyoutfitstomeas
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“encouragement,”asifthesightofthemencouragedanythingbutaversion.Fortunately,theun-trimmingritualwasn’trequireduntilmyprobationended,andIhadnointentionofhurryingit.
WhenIsraelandIvisitedthepond,wetossedcrustsofbreadonthewaterandwatchedtheduckspaddleafterthem.Therewasa
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weatheredrowboatturnedupsidedowninthecattailsonthefarside,butweneverventuredintoit.Wesatinsteadonabenchhe’dbuilthimselfandconversedaboutthechildren,politics,God,andinevitably,theQuakerfaith.Hespokeagreatdealabouthiswife,who’dbeengoneayearandahalf.Shecould’vebeencanonized,hisRebecca.Once,after
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speakingofher,hisvoicechokedandheheldmyhandaswelingeredsilentlyinthedeepeningvioletlight.
InSeptember,beforesummerleftus,IwasfathomsdeeponthemattressinmyroomwhenthesoundofcryingbrokeintomyslumberandIcameswimmingupfromadarkbluesleep.Thewindow
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washingedopen,andforamomentIheardnothingbutthecricketsintheirpercussion.Thenitcameagain,akindofwhimpering.
IcrackedthedoortofindBecky,Israel’ssix-year-old,swallowedinanoversizedwhitegown,blubberingandrubbinghereyes.Shenotonlyhadhermother’sname,butherwilted,flaxenhair,andyetinsomewaysthe
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childremindedmeofmyself.Shehadbrowsandlashessolighttheywerebarelyvisible,givingherthesamewhitewashedlookIwore.Morethanthat,shechewedandmumbledherwords,forwhichhersiblingsteasedherunmercifully.OverhearingoneofherbrotherscallherMealyMouth,I’dgivenhimatalking-to.Heavoidedmenowadays,butBeckyhad
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followedmeabouteversincelikeabearcub.
Sherushedatmenow,throwingherselfintomyarms.
“...Mygoodness,what’sallthis?”
“IdreamedaboutMaMa.Shewasinaboxintheground.”
“...Oh,SweetOne,no.YourmotheriswithGodandhisangels.”
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“ButIsawherinthebox.Isawher.”Hercrieslandedinwetburstsagainstmygown.
Icuppedthebackofherhead,andwhenhertearsstopped,Isaid,“Comeon...I’lltakeyoubacktoyourroom.”
Pullingaway,shedartedpastmetomybedandpulledthecomfortertoherchin.“Iwanttosleepwithyou.”
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Iclimbedinbesideher,anunaccountablesolacewashingovermeassheedgedclose,nuzzlingmyshoulder.HerheadsmelledlikethesweetmarjoramleavesCatherinesewedintotheirpillows.Asherhandfellacrossmychest,Inoticedachaindanglingfromherclampedfist.
“...What’sthisinyourhand?”
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“Isleepwithit,”shesaid.“ButwhenIdo,Idreamofher.”
Sheunfurledherfingerstorevealaround,gold-platedlocket.Thefrontwasengravedwithasprayofflowers,daffodilstiedwithabow,andbelowthem,aname.Rebecca.
“That’smyname,”shesaid.
“...Andthelocket,isit
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yours,too?”“Yes.”Herfingerscurled
backoverit.I’dneverseenatraceof
jewelryonCatherineoronBecky’soldersister,butinCharlestonlocketswereascommononlittlegirlsashairbarrettes.
“Idon’twantitanymore,”shesaid.“Iwantyoutowearit.”
“...Me?Oh,Becky,I
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couldn’twearyourlocket.”“Why?”Sheraisedup,
hereyescloudingoveragain.“Because...it’syours.It
hasyournameonit,notmine.”
“Butyoucanwearitfornow.Justfornow.”
Shegavemealookofsuchpleading,Itookitfromher.“...I’llkeepitforyou.”
“You’llwearit?”“...I’llwearitonce,ifit
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makesyouhappy.Butonlyonce.”
Graduallyherbreathgrewelongatedandwhispery,thesoundofribbonsfluttering,andIheardhermutter,“MaMa.”
Allweek,Beckygreetedmewithasearchinglookatthecollarofmydress.I’dhopedshewouldforgettheepisode
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withthelocket,butmywearingitseemedtohavebuilttoanimplausibleheightinhermind.SeeingIwaswithoutit,shewouldslumpindisappointment.
Wasitsillyofmetofeelwary?Woundinsidethelocketwasatendrilofhair,Becky’s,Isupposed,butthevaporouscolorofitmust’veconjuredmemoriesofhermother.Ifseeingthenecklace
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onmebroughthersomefleetingconsolation,surelyitharmednothing.
Iworethelockettothegirls’tutoringsessiononThursday.Theboysmetintheclassroomeachmorningwithamaletutorwhocamefromthecity,whileIinstructedthetwogirlsthereintheafternoons.Israelhadbuiltasinglestripofdesktopsandattachedittothewall,as
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wellasalongbench.He’dinstalledaslateboard,shelvesforbooks,andateacher’stablethatsmelledofcedar.ThatmorningIworemyemeralddress,whichhadseenpreciouslittlewearconsideringhowliketheducks’feathersitwas.Thenecklinecontouredtomycollarbones,wherethegoldlocketnestledinthegullybetweenthem.
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WhenBeckyspiedit,sheroseonhertoes,herbodyswelledwithdelight,thetinyfeaturesonherfacelevitatingforamoment.Forthenexthour,sherewardedmebyraisingherhandwheneverIaskedaquestion,whethersheknewtheanswerornot.
Ihadfreereinovertheircurriculum,andIwasdeterminedmyoldadversary,MadameRuffin,andher
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“educationforthegentlefemalemind”wouldgetnowherenearit.Imeanttoteachthegirlsgeography,worldhistory,philosophy,andmath.Theywouldreadthehumanities,andwhenIwasdone,knowLatinbetterthantheirbrothers.
Iwasn’tagainstthemlearningnaturalhistory,however,andafteraparticularlygruelinglesson
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onlongitudesandlatitudes,IopenedJohnJamesAudubon’sBirdsofAmerica,amassivebrownleatherfolio,weighingatleastasmuchasBecky.Turningtotheruffedgrouse,whichwascommoninthewoodsnearby,Isaid,“Whocanmimicitscall?”
Therewewere,aflockofruffedgrousesattheopenwindow,trillingandwhistling,whenCatherine
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enteredtheclassroomanddemandedtoknowwhatsortoflessonIwasconducting.She’dheardourchirpingasshegatheredthelastcucumbersinthegarden.“Thatwasquiteabitofdisturbance,”shesaid,thevegetablebasketswingingonherarm,siftingcrumbsofsoilontoherash-coloreddress.Becky,everalerttoheraunt’sannoyance,spoke
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beforeIcouldpushoutmywords.“Wewerecallingtheruffedgrouse.”
“Wereyou?Isee.”Shelookedatme.“Itseemedundulyloud.Perhapsmorequietlynexttime.”
Ismiledatherandshecockedherheadandsteppedcloser,socloseherdresshembrushedmine.Hereyesmagnifiedbehindthethicksetlensofherglassesasshe
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concentratedonthelocketatmythroat.
“Whatisthemeaningofthis?”shesaid.
“...Themeaningofwhat?”
“Takeitoff!”Beckywedgedherself
betweenus.“Auntie.Auntie.”Catherineignoredher.
“Yourintentionshavebeenmorethancleartome,Sarah,butIhadnotthoughtyou
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wouldbesoboldastowearRebecca’slocket!”
“...Rebecca?...Youmean,itbelongedto...”Myvoicedesertedme,mywordsadheringlikebarnaclesatthebackofmythroat.
“Israel’swife,”shesaid,finishingmysentence.
“Auntie?”Becky’supturnedface,drowninginthewavesofourgray-greenskirts,madeherlooklikea
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castaway.“Igaveittoher.”“Youdidwhat?Well,I
don’tcarewhogaveittoher,sheshouldn’thavetakenit.”Shethrustoutherpalm,shovingitinchesfrommychin.Icouldhearairraspinginandoutofhernostrils.
“......ButIdidn’t...know.”
“Givemethelocket,please.”
“No,”Beckycried,
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sinkingontotherug.Isteppedback,
unclaspingthenecklace,andplaceditinCatherine’shand.AsIbenttoscoopBeckyfromthefloor,herauntpulledthechildgentlybyherarmandmaneuveredbothgirlsfromtheroom.
Iwalkedcalmly,slowlyoutthedooranddownthe
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escarpmenttowardthepond.Beforesteppingintothethicketoftrees,Ilookedbackatthehouse.Thelightwasstillcitrusandbright,butIsraelwouldbehomesoon,andCatherinewouldbewaitingforhimwiththelocket.
Cloakedinthecedars,Ipressedonehandtomystomachandonetomymouthandstoodthereseveral
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seconds,asifsqueezingmyselftogether.ThenIstraightenedandfollowedthepathtothewater.
IheardthepondbeforeIsawit—thefrogsdeepintheirhum,theviolinwhirofinsects.Onimpulse,IwalkedalongtheedgeuntilIreachedtherowboat.Sunkinthemud,ittookallmystrengthtoflipitover.Iliftedouttheoarandinspectedthebottomfor
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holesandrottedwood.Seeingnone,Igatheredupmyskirt,climbedin,andpaddledtothemiddleofthepond,anuntouchableplace,farfromeverything.ItriedtothinkwhatIwouldsaytohim,worriedmyvoicewouldslinkoffagainandleaveme.
Iremainedtherealongwhile,lappingonthesurface.Vaporcurledonthewater,dragonfliesprickedtheair,
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andIthoughtitallbeautiful.IhopedIsraelwouldn’tsendmeaway.IhopedtheInnerVoicewouldnotshowupnow,saying,Gosouth.
“Sarah!”Ijerked,causingtheboat
totilt,andreachedforthesidestosteadyit.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Israelcalled.Hestoodonthebankinhiskneebritcheswiththeglintingbuckles,hatless.
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Heshadedhiseyesandmotionedmeinwithhishand.
Ipulledthepaddlethroughthewater,bangingthewoodagainstthehullandmadeaninept,zigzagpathtoshore.
WesatonthebenchwhileIdidmybesttoexplainthatI’dthoughtthelocketbelongedtohisdaughterRebecca,nothiswife
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Rebecca.ItoldhimabouttheeveningBeckybroughtittome,andwhilemyvoiceclenchedandspluttered,itdidn’tfailmealtogether.
“...Iwouldnevertrytotakeyourwife’splace.”
“No,”hesaid.“Noonecould.”
“...IdoubtCatherinewouldbelieveme,though...She’sveryangry.”
“She’sprotective,that’s
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all.OurmotherdiedyoungandCatherinetookcareofme.Shenevermarried,andRebecca,thechildren,andIwereheronlyfamily.Yourpresence,I’mafraid,hasflusteredher.Idon’tthinkshereallyunderstandswhyIaskedyouhere.”
“...Idon’tthinkIunderstanditeither,Israel...WhyamIhere?”
“Youtoldmeyourself—
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Godtoldyoutoleaveandcomenorth.”
“...Buthedidn’tsay,‘GotoPhiladelphia,gotoIsrael’shouse.’”
Heplacedhishandonmyarm,squeezingalittle.“DoyourememberthelastwordsmyRebeccasaidtoyouontheship?Shesaid,‘Ifyoucomenorthagain,youmuststaywithus.’Ithinkshebroughtyouhere.Forme,for
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thechildren.IthinkGodbroughtyouhere.”
Ilookedawayfromhimtowardthepondblotchedwithpollenandsilt,thewaterbronzingintheshrinkinglight.WhenIlookedback,hepulledmetohimandheldmeagainsthischest,andIfeltitwasmeheheld,nothisRebecca.
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HandfulIsmelledthecornfrittershalfablockfromDenmarkVesey’shouse,thefry-oilintheair,thesweetcornfusscomingdownthestreet.Fortwoyears,I’dbeensneakingoffto20BulleverytimeIfoundaholeintheweektosqueezethrough.Sabewasa
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shiftlesslackeyofabutleranddidn’twatchusthewayTomfryhad—wecouldthankmissusforthatmuch.
I’dtellSabewewereoutofthread,beeswax,buttons,orratdroppings,andhe’dsendmewilly-nillytothemarket.Therestofthetimehedidn’tcarewhereIwas.TheonlythoughtinhisheadwasforslurpingdownmasterGrimké’sbrandiesand
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whiskeysinthecellarandmessingroundwithMinta.Theywerealwaysintheemptyroomoverthecarriagehousedoingjustwhatyouthinkthey’redoing.Me,Aunt-Sister,Phoebe,andGoodiswouldhearthemallthewayfromthekitchenhouseporchandGoodiswouldcockhiseyebrowatme.Everybodyknewhe’dbeensweetonmesincethe
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dayhegothere.He’dmadetherabbitcanespecialforme,andhewouldgivemethelastyamoffhisplate.OncewhenSabeyelledatmeforgoingmissing,GoodisstuckafistinhisfaceandSabebackedrightdown.Ineverhadamantouchme,neverhadwantedone,butsometimeswhenIwaslisteningtoSabeandMintaupinthecarriagehouse,Goodisdidn’tseemso
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bad.WithSarahgone,the
wholeplacehadgonetohell’sdredges.Withthelastoftheboysincollege,therewasn’tanybodyleftinthehousebutmissusandNinaandussixslavestokeepitgoing.Missusstewedallthetimeaboutmoney.ShehadthelumpsummasterGrimkéleft,butshesaiditwasatrifleofwhatsheneeded.Paintwas
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fleckingoffthehouseandshe’dsoldtheextrahorse.Shedidn’teatbirdnestpuddinganymore,andintheslavediningroom,welivedonriceandmorerice.
ThedayIsmelledthefritters,itwastwodaysbeforeChristmas—Iremembertherewasacoldpinchintheairandpalmwreathstackedonthedoorsofthepiazzas,wovenfancy
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likehairbraids.ThistimeSabehadsentmetocarryanotefrommissustothesolicitor’soffice.Don’tthinkIdidn’treaditbeforeIhandeditover.
DearMr.Huger,Ifindthatmy
allowanceisinadequatetomeetthedemandsoflivingwell.Irequestthatyoualert
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mysonsastomyneeds.Asyouknow,theyareinpossessionofpropertiesthatcouldbesoldinordertoaugmentmycare.Suchaproposalwouldsuitbettercomingfromamanofyourinfluence,whowasaloyalfriendtotheirfather.
YoursTruly,
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MaryGrimké
IhadajarofsorghuminmypocketthatI’dswipedfromthelarder.IlikedtobringDenmarkalittlesomething,andthiswouldhitthespotwiththefritters.HehadahabitoftellingwhoeverwashangingroundhisplacethatIwashisdaughter.Hedidn’tsayIwaslikea
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daughter,butclaimedoutandoutIwashis.Susangrumbledaboutit,butshewasgoodtome,too.
Ifoundherinherkitchenhouse,shovelingthecorncakesfromtheskillettotheplate.Shesaid,“Whereyoubeen?Wehaven’tseenyouinoveraweek.”
“Youcan’tdowithmeandyoucan’tdowithoutme.”
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Shelaughed.“Icandowithyouallright.TheoneIcan’tdowithanddowithoutisinhisworkshop.”
“Denmark?What’shedonenow?”
Shesnorted.“Youmeanbesidekeepwomenalloverthecity?”
Itstruckmebesttosidestepthissincemaumahadbeenoneofthem.“Yeah,besidethat.”
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Asmiledippedcrossherlips.Shehandedmetheplate.“Here,takethistohim.He’sinamood,isall.It’saboutthatMondayGell.HelostsomethingthatsetDenmarkoff.Somesortoflist.IthoughtDenmarkwasgonnakilltheman.”
IheadedbacktowardtheworkshopknowingMondayhadlosttherollofdrafteeshe’dbeencollectingfor
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DenmarkoutontheBulkleyfarm.
Foralongtimenow,Denmarkandhislieutenantshadbeenrecruitingslaves,writingdowntheirnamesinwhathecalledtheBook.LastIheard,thereweremorethantwothousandpledgedtotakeuparmswhenthetimecame.Denmarkhadletmesitthereandlistenwhilehetalkedaboutraisinganarmyand
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gettingusfree,andthemengotusedtomebeinginthere.TheyknewI’dkeepitquiet.
Denmarkdidn’tlikethewindtoblowunlesshetolditwhichwaytogo.He’dcomeupwiththeexactwordshewantedGullahJackandthemtosaywhentheywooedtherecruits.Oneday,hehadmepretendlikeIwastheslavehewascourting.
“Haveyouheardthe
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news?”hesaidtome.“Whatnews?”I
answered.Likehetoldmetosay.
“We’regonnabefree.”“Free?Whosays?”“Comewithme,andI’ll
showyou.”Thatwasthewayhe
wanteditsaid.Then,ifaslaveinthecitywascuriousenough,thelieutenantwassupposedtobringhimto20
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BulltomeetDenmark.Iftheslaveswereontheplantations,Denmarkwouldgotothemandholdasecretmeeting.
I’dbeenatthehousewhenoneofthosecuriousslaveshadshowedup,anditwassomethingI’dtaketomygrave.DenmarkhadsailedupfromhischairlikeElijahinhischariot.“TheLordhasspokentome,”hecriedout.
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“Hesaid,setmypeoplefree.WhenyournameiswrittenintheBook,you’reoneofusandyou’reoneofGod’s,andwe’lltakeourfreedomwhenGodsays.Letnotyourheartbetroubled.Neitherletitbeafraid.YoubelieveinGod,believealsoinme.”
Whenhespokethosewords,ajolttraveledthroughme,thesameoneIusedtogetinthealcovewhenIwas
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littleandthoughtaboutthewatertakingmesomewhere,orinchurchwhenwesangabouttheJerichowallscrumblingandthedrumsticksinmylegsbeatthefloor.Mynamewasn’tintheBook,justthemen’s,butIwould’veputitinthereifIcould.Iwould’vewrittenitinblood.
Today,DenmarkwaspeggingthelegsonaScotpinetable.WhenIstepped
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intotheroomwiththefritters,hesetdowntheclawhammerandgrinned,andwhenIpulledoutthesorghumtoboot,hesaid,“Ifyouaren’tCharlotteallover.”
Leaningontheworktabletotaketheheftoffmyleg,Iwatchedhimeatforawhile,thenIsaid,“SusansaidMondaylosthislist.”
Thedoortothebackalleywasopentoletthesawdust
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floatoutandhewentover,peeredbothways,andclosedit.“Mondayisadamnfoolidiot.HekepthislistinsideanemptyfeedbarrelintheharnessshoponBulkleyfarm,andyesterdaythebarrelwasgoneandnobodyknowswhere.”
“Whatwouldhappenifsomebodyfindsit?”
Hesatbackonthestoolandpickedupthefork.“It
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depends.IfthelistrousessuspicionandgetsturnedovertotheGuard,they’dgothroughthenameswithawhiptilltheyfoundoutwhatitwasabout.”
Thatraisedgoosefleshonmyarms.Isaid,“Wheredoyoukeepyournames?”
Hestoppedchewing.“Whydoyouwanttoknow?”
Iwastreadingonthethinsideofhistemper,butI
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didn’tcare.“Well,aretheyhiddengoodornot?”
Hiseyesstrayedtotheleathersatchelontheworktable.
“They’reinthesatchel?”Isaid.“Rightthereforthetaking?”
Isaiditlikehewasadamnfoolidiot,too,butinsteadoflashingout,helaughed.“Thatsatcheldoesn’tleavemysight.”
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“ButiftheGuardgetsholdofMonday’snamesandcomeslookingforyou,they’llfindyourlisteasyenough.”
Hegotquietandbrushedthesugardustoffhismouth.HeknewIwasright,butdidn’twanttosay.
Thesunwassteppingthroughthewindow,layingdownfourbrightquiltsquaresonthefloor.Istared
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atthemwhilethesilencehung,thinkinghowhe’dsaidIwasCharlotteallover,anditpoppedinmymindthewayshe’dputpiecesofourhairandlittlecharmsdowninsideherquilts,andthenIrememberedthetimeshegotcaughtred-handedwithmissus’greensilk.She’dtoldmethen,“Ishould’vesewedthatsilkinsideaquiltandsheneverwould’vefoundit.”
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“Iknowwhatyouneedtodowiththelist,”Isaid.
“Youdo,doyou?”“Youneedtohideit
insideaquilt.Icansewasecretpocketinsidetoholdit.Thenyoujustlaythequiltonthebedinplainsightandnobodyknowsthedifference.”
Hepacedcrosstheworkshopthree,fourtimes.Finally,hesaid,“WhatifI
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needtogettothelist?”“That’seasy,I’llleavean
openingintheseambigenoughforyourhandtoslipinandout.”
Henodded.“SeeifSusanhasaquiltsomewhere.Getbusy.”
Whenthenewyearcame,NinascroungedupfivegirlsandstartedtheFemalePrayer
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Society.TheymetinthedrawingroomWednesdaymornings.Iservedtheteaandbiscuits,tendedthefire,andwatchedthedoor,andfromwhatIcouldtell,thelastthinggoingonwaspraying.Ninawasintheredoingherbesttointroducethemtotheevilsofslavery.
Thatgirl.ShewaslikeSarah.Hadthesamenotions,thesamecravingtobeuseful,
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butthetwoofthemweredifferent,too.Seventeennow,Ninaturnedeveryheadthatlookedherwayandshecouldtalkthesaltfromthesea.Herbeauxdidn’tlastlong,though.Missussaidshechasedthemoffwithheropinionating.
Idon’tknowwhyshedidn’tchasethegirlsoffeither.
Duringthemeetings,she
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madehot-bloodedspeechesthatwentontilloneofthegirlslostthepointofitandturnedthetalktosomethingelse—whodancedwithwhoorwhoworewhatatthelastsocial.Ninawouldgiveupthen,butsheseemedgladtospeakhermind,andmissuswashappy,too,thinkingNinahadfinallyfoundsomereligion.
Itwasduringameetingin
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MarchthattheSmithgirltookumbrage.Ninawastakingspecialcaretoletherknowhowbadherneighborhoodwas.
“Wouldyoucomeoverhere,Handful?”Ninacalled.Sheturnedtothegirls.“Seeherleg?Seehowshedragsitbehindher?That’sfromthetreadmillattheWorkHouse.It’sanabomination,andit’srightunderyournose,
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Henrietta!”TheSmithgirlbristled.
“Well,whatwasshedoingattheWorkHouseinthefirstplace?Theremustbesomediscipline,mustn’tthere?Whatdidshedo?”
“Whatdidshedo?Haven’tyouheardanythingI’vebeensaying?Godhelpus,howcanyoubesoblind?IfyouwanttoknowhowHandfulcametobeatthe
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WorkHouse,she’sstandingrighthere.She’saperson,askher.”
“I’drathernot,”thegirlsaidandtuckedherskirtsinroundherlegs.
Ninarosefromherchairandcametostandbesideme.“Whydon’tyoutakeyourshoeoffandshowherthekindofbrutalitythattakesplaceonthesamestreetwhereshelives?”
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Ishould’vemindeddoingit,butIalwaysrememberedthatdayTomfrycaughtmeinfrontofthehousesneakingofftoDenmark’s,howNinacametomyrescue.She’dneveraskedwhereI’dgone,andthefactwas,IwantedthegirlstoseewhattheWorkHousehaddonetome.Ituggedoffmyshoeandbaredthemisshapedboneandthepinky-fleshscarswriggling
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crossmyskinlikeearthworms.Thegirlspressedtheirfingersundertheirnosesandblanchedwhiteasflour,butHenriettaSmithdidonebetter.Shefaintedsidewaysinherchair.
Igotthesmellingsaltsandbroughtherround,butnotbeforemissusheardtheuproar.
Lateronthatnightinmycellarroom,Iheardatapand
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openedthedoortofindNinawithhereyespuffedout.
“DidMotherpunishyou?”sheasked.“Ihavetoknow.”
SincemasterGrimkédied,missushitMintawiththegold-tipcanesomuchyouneversawherwithoutblackbruisesonherbrownarms.ItwasnowondershewenttothecarriagehousewithSabetogetsalved.Shestruckme
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andPhoebewiththecane,too,andhadeventakentoswipingAunt-Sister,whichIneverthoughtI’dlivetosee.Aunt-Sisterdidn’ttakeitlayingdown.Iheardhertellmissus,“Binahandtheonesyousold,theytheluckyones.”
Ninawassaying,“ItriedtotellherthatIaskedyoutotakeoffyourshoe,thatyoudidn’tjustvolunteer—”
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Istuckoutmyarmandshowedherthewelt.
“Thecane?”Ninaasked.“Onestrike,butagood
one.What’dshedotoyou?”“Mostly,alotofscolding.
Thegirlswon’tbecomingbackforanymoremeetings.”
“No,Ididn’tthinkso,”Isaid.ShelookedsodismalIadded,“Well,youtried.”
HereyeswateredupandIhandedhermycleanhead
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scarf.Takingit,shesankdownintherockerandburiedherfaceinit.Ididn’tknowhowmuchmorehereyescouldtake,whethershewascryingoverherfailurewiththeFemalePrayerSociety,orSarahleaving,ortheshortfallsofpeople.
Whenshewasallcriedout,shewentbacktoherroom,andIlitacandleandsatinthewavylight,
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picturingthequiltonDenmark’sbed,andinsideit,thehiddenpocket,andinsidethat,thescrollofpaperwithallthenames.Peoplereadytolaytheirlivesdowntogetfree.ThedayIcameupwiththeschemeofhidingthelist,Susandidn’thaveasinglequiltinthehouse—sheusedplainwoolblankets.Imadeanewquiltfromscratch—redsquaresandblacktriangles,
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meandmauma’sfavorite,theblackbirdsflyingaway.
Denmarkbelievednothingwouldchangewithoutbloodspilled.Ploppedintherockernow,IthoughtaboutNina,herlecturingtofivespoiltwhitegirls,andSarahbeingsoupsetwiththewayherworldwas,shehadtoleaveit,andwhileIfeltthegoodnessinwhattheydid,itseemedtheir
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lecturingandleavingdidn’tcometomuchwhenyouhadthismuchcrueltytoovercome.
Theretributionwascomingandwe’dbringitourselves.Bloodwastheway.Itwastheonlyway,wasn’tit?IwasgladnowSarahwasfarawayfromdanger,andIwouldhavetokeepNinasafe.Isaidtomyself,Letnotyourheartbe
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troubled.Neitherletitbeafraid.
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SarahIsnappedopenthecrispwhitetablecloth,unfurlingitupward,watchingitturnintoasmallovoidcloudbeforeitsankontothepineneedles.
“Thisisn’ttheclothweuseforpicnics,”Catherinesaid,crossingherarmsoverherchest.
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Hercriticismsofmeweresimilartoherprayers—sacred,daily,andunsmiling.Iwascarefulnow.Itaughtthechildren,butItriednottoappearmothering.IdeferredtoCatherineinallhouseholdmatters—ifsheputsaltinthecake,sheputsaltinthecake.AndIsrael—Ididn’tsomuchaslookathimwhenshewasintheroom.
“...I’msorry,”Itoldher.
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“...Ithoughtyousaidtogetthewhitecloth.”
“Itwillhavetobebleachedandclearstarched.Let’spraythere’snopinesapontheground.”
God,nopinesap.Please.Itwasthefirstdayof
April,whichalsohappenedtobeBecky’sseventhbirthdayandthefirstdayallyearonecouldactuallycallwarm.Aftermyfirstwinterinthe
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North,Ihadanentirelynewappreciationforheat.I’dneverseensnowbeforearrivinghere,andwhenit’dcome,thePennsylvaniaskysplitopenlikeavastgoosedowncomforterandtheentireworldturnedtofeathers.Thefirsttimeithappened,Islippedoutsideandwanderedaboutcatchingflakesinmyhandsandonmytongue,lettingthemsettle
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intomyhair,whichI’dleftlongandflowingdownmyback.Returningtothehouse,IspottedIsraelandseveralofthechildrenwatchingmefromthewindow,lookingquiteastonished.Myenchantmentturnedtoslushaboutthesametimethesnowdid.Weseemedstuckinaperpetualtwilight.Colorbledfromtheworld,recastingthelandscapeintogradationsof
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blackandwhite,andnomatterhowruthlesslythefireplacesroared,coldformedonmyCharlestonboneslikehoarfrost.
Thepicnichadbeenmyidea.Quakersdidn’tcelebrateholidays—alldaysweretreatedequally,meanttobelivedwiththesamesimplicity—butIsraelwasknowntohedgeabitonthechildren’sbirthdays.Hewashome
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workingthatday,shutinhisstudywithinvoicesandledgersandbillsofexchange.HavingenoughsensenottogotoCatherinewithmywhim,I’dinterruptedhimmid-morning.
“...Springhascome,”I’dsaid.“Let’snotsquanderit...Apicnicwilldousallgood,andyoushouldseeBecky,she’ssoexcitedtobeseven...Alittlecelebration
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wouldn’thurt,wouldit?”Hesetdowntheaccount
bookinhishandandgazedatmewithaslow,defenselesssmile.It’dbeenmonthssincehe’dtouchedme.Backinthefallhe’doftenheldmyhandorslidhisarmaboutmywaistaswewalkedbackupthehillfromthepond,butthenwintercame,andthewalksceasedasheretreated,goingoffinsidehimself
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somewheretohibernate.Ididn’tknowwhathadhappeneduntilonemorninginJanuarywhenCatherineannounceditwasthesecondanniversaryofRebecca’sdeath.Sheseemedtotakemorosejoyinexplaininghowdeeplyherbrotherwasmourning,evenmoresothiswinterthantheonebefore.
“Allright,havethepicnic,butnobirthdaycake,”
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Israelsaid.“...Iwouldn’tdreamof
anythingsodecadentascake,”Ireplied,beaming,mockinghimalittle,andhelaughedoutright.
“Youshouldcome,too,”Iadded.
Hiseyesveeredtothelocket,lyingonhisdesk,theonewiththedaffodilsandhiswife’snameengravedonit.
“Perhaps,”hesaid.“I
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haveagreatdealofworktodohere.”
“...Well,tryandjoinus.Thechildrenwouldlikethat.”Ileft,wishingIweren’tsodismayedbyhimattimes,athowmercurialhecouldbe,embracingoneday,stand-offishthenext.
Now,asIgazeddownatthewhiteclothspreadonthelawn,itwasn’tevendisappointmentIfelt,itwas
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anger.Hehadn’tcome.CatherineandIlaidout
thecontentsofthebasket,adozenboiledeggs,carrots,twoloavesofbread,applebutter,andakindofsoftcheeseCatherinehadmadebyboilingcreamanddryingitinacloth.Thechildrenhadfoundathatchofmintatthewoods’edgeandwerecrushingtheleavesbetweentheirfingers.Theairpulsed
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withthesmellofit.“Oh,”IheardCatherine
say.Shewasgazingtowardthehouse,atIsraelstridingtowardusthroughthebrowngrass.
Weatesittingonthegroundwithourfacesturnedtothebrightcraterofsky.Whenwefinished,Catherinepulledgingerbreadfromthebasketandstackedtheslicesinapyramid.“Thetopsliceis
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foryou,Becky,”shesaid.Itwasevidenthowmuch
Catherinelovedthechildandalltherestofthem,andIfeltasuddenremorseforallmyillthoughtsofher.Thechildrengrabbedthegingerbreadandscattered,theboystowardthetreesandthetwogirlsofftopluckthewildflowersbeginningtopokethroughthesod,anditwasatthismoment,asCatherine
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busiedherselfclearingthingsaway,thatImadeaterriblemistake.
Ilanguished,leaningbackonmyelbowswithinanarm’slengthofIsrael,feelingthathe’dreturnedfromhislonghibernationandwantingtobaskinthethoughtofit.Catherine’sbackwastous,andwhenIlookedatIsrael,hehadthatyearningexpressionagain,thesad,
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burningsmile,andhedaredtoslidehislittlefingeracrosstheclothandhookitaboutmine.Itwasasmallthing,ourfingerswrappedlikevines,buttheintimacyofitfloodedme,andIcaughtmybreath.
ThesoundmadeCatherineturnherheadandpeeratusoverhershoulder.Israelsnatchedhisfingerfrommine.OrdidIsnatch
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minefromhis?Sheleveledhereyeson
him.“So,itisasIsuspected.”“Thisisnotyour
business,”hetoldher.Gettingtohisfeet,hesmiledregretfullyatmeandwalkedbackupthehill.
Shedidn’tspeakimmediately,butwhenItriedtoassistherinpackingthebasket,shesaid,“Youmustmoveoutandfindlodging
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elsewhere.It’sunseemlyforyoutobehere.IwillspeaktoIsraelaboutyourleaving,butitwouldbebetterifyouleftonyourownwithouthimhavingtointervene.”
“...Hewouldn’taskmetoleave!”
“Wemustdowhatproprietycallsfor,”shesaid,andthensurprisedmebyplacingherhandonmine.“I’msorry,butit’sbestthis
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way.”
TheelevenofussatonasinglepewintheArchStreetMeetinghouse—theeightMorrischildrenbookendedbyIsraelononesideandbyCatherineandmeontheother.Ithoughtitunnecessarythatweshouldallbehereforwhatwascalled“ameetingforworship
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withaconcernforbusiness.”Itwasabusinessmeeting,forheaven’ssake,plainandsimple.Theyoccurredmonthly,butItypicallyremainedathomewiththechildren,whileIsraelandCatherineattended.Thistime,she’dinsistedweallattend.
CatherinehadwastedlittletimeinapproachingIsraelafterthepicnic,andhe’dstoodhisground—I
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wouldstayatGreenHill.IfthelocketincidenthadcooledtheairbetweenCatherineandme,myrefusaltoleaveandIsrael’srefusaltobackherhadturneditbitter.Ionlyhopedintimeshewouldcomearound.
Insidethemeetingroom,awomanstoodtoconvenethemeetingbyreadingaversefromtheBible.Shewastheonlyfemaleminister
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amongus.Shelookednomorethanmyownageoftwenty-nine,youngforsuchanachievement.ThefirsttimeI’dheardherspeakinMeeting,ithadbeenwithakindofawe.Ithoughtofitnowwithapangofjealousy.I’dmadetheessenceoftheQuakerfaithmyown,butsofarI’drefrainedfrommakingasingleutteranceinMeeting.
Asbusinessbegan,the
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membersbroughtforthaseriesofmind-dullingmatters.TwoofIsrael’ssonswerequietlyshovingatoneanother,andtheyoungesthadfallenasleep.HowsenselessofCatherinetodragushere,Ithought.
Sherose,arranginghershawlabouthersmall,brittleshoulders.“I’mcompelledbytheSpirittobringforthamatterofconcern.”
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Ijerkedmyheadupward,gazingatthesetedgeofherchin,andthenatIsraelontheoppositeendoftherow,whoappearedassurprisedasIwas.
“Iaskthatwecometounityonthenecessityoffindinganewhomeforourbelovedprobationer,SarahGrimké,”Catherinesaid.“MissGrimkéisanoutstandingteachertoIsrael’s
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childrenandahelptomewithhouselyduties,andsheis,ofcourse,aChristianofthehighestorder,andit’simportantthatnooneinsideoroutsideofourcommunitybeabletoquestionthedecorumofanunmarriedwomanlivinginthehomeofawidower.ItpainsusatGreenHilltoseeherleave,butit’sasacrificewe’rewillingtomakeforthe
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greatergood.Weaskthatyouassistusinherrelocation.”
Istaredattheunvarnishedwoodfloorandthehemofherdress,unablealmosttodrawabreath.
Irecallonlyaportionofwhatthememberssaidintheaftermathofherinsidiousspeech.Irememberbeinghailedformyscruplesandmysacrifice.Irememberwordslikehonorable,
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selfless,praiseworthy,imperative.
Whenthewhirofvoicesfinallyfaded,anelderlymansaid,“Areweinunityonthematter?Ifyoustandinopposition,pleaseacknowledgeyourself.”
Istandinopposition.I,SarahGrimké.Thewordsstrainedagainstmyribsandbecamelost.IwantedtorefutewhatCatherinehad
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said,butIdidn’tknowwheretobegin.She’dingeniouslytransformedmeintoanexemplarofgoodnessandself-denial.AnyrebuttalImadewouldseemtocontradictthatandperhapsendmychancesofbeingacceptedintotheQuakerfold.Thethoughtofthatpainedme.Despitetheirausterity,theirhairsplitting,they’dputforththefirstanti-slavery
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documentinhistory.They’dshowedmeaGodofloveandlightandafaithcenteredonindividualconscience.Ididn’twanttolosethem,nordidIwanttoloseIsrael,whichIwouldsurelydo,ifmyprobationfailed.
Icouldn’tmove,notthetiniestmuscleinmytongue.
Israelsliduponthepewasifhemightstandandspeakonmybehalf,buthelingered
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there,ballinghisfistandpressingitintothepalmofhishand.Catherinehadputhiminthesameuntenablepositionasme—hewantedtogivenooneareasontoquestionwhatwentoninhishouse,especiallythegoodpeopleofArchStreetwhowereatthecenterofhislife,who’dknownandcherishedRebecca.Icouldunderstandthis.Yetwatchinghim
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hesitatenowontheedgeofhisseat,Ihadthefeelinghisreluctancetospeakoutpubliclyformestemmedfromsomethingevendeeper,fromsomesubmerged,almostsovereignneedtoprotecthisloveforhiswife.Iknewsuddenlyitwasthesamereasonhehadn’tdeclaredhisfeelingsformeprivately.Hecastatortuouslookatmeandeasedbackon
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thebench.Atthefrontoftheroom,
thefemaleministersatonthe“Facingbench”alongwiththeotherministers,scrutinizingme,noticingtheglimmersofdistressIcouldn’thide.Gazingbackather,Iimaginedshesawdowntothethingsinmyheart,thingsIwasjustcomingtoknowmyself.Hemightneverclaimme.
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Shenoddedatmesuddenlyandstood.“I’minopposition.IseenoreasonforMissGrimkétomoveout.Itwouldbeagreatdisruptionforherandahardshipforallinvolved.Herconductisnotinquestion.Weshouldnotbesoconcernedwithoutwardappearances.”
Takingherseat,shesmiledatme,andIthoughtImightcryatthesightofit.
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ShewastheonlyonetoofferadissenttoCatherine.TheQuakersdecidedIwoulddepartGreenHillwithinthemonthanddulyrecordeditintheMinuteBook.
Afterthemeeting,Israelleftquicklytobringthecarriagearound,butIwentonsittingonthepew,tryingtogathermyself.Icouldn’tthinkwhereIwouldgo.WouldIstillteachthe
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children?AsCatherinesteeredthemtowardthedoor,Beckylookedbackatme,twistingagainstCatherine’shands,whichwerefastenedlikeaharnessonhersmallback.
“Sarah?MayIcallyouSarah?”Itwasmydefender.
Inodded.“...Thankyouforspeakingasyoudid...I’mgrateful.”
Shethrustafoldedpiece
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ofpaperatme.“Here’smyaddress.Youarewelcometostaywithmeandmyhusband.”Shestartedtogo,thenturnedback.“I’msorry,Ididn’tintroducemyself,didI?MynameisLucretiaMott.”
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HandfulIntheworkshopatDenmark’shouse,thelieutenantswerestandingroundtheworktable.TheywerealwaysbyDenmark’sside.Hetoldthemhe’dsetthedate,twomonthsfromnow,saidthereweresixthousandnamesintheBook.
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Iwasbackinthecorner,listening,crouchedonafootstool,myusualspot.Nobodymuchnoticedmethereunlesstheyneededsomethingtodrink.Handful,bringthehoochwater,Handful,bringthegingerbeer.
ItwasAprilandhalftheheatfromhellhadalreadyshowedupinCharleston.Themenweredrippingwithit.
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“Theselastweeks,youneedtoplaythepartofthegoodslavebetterthanever,”Denmarksaid.“Telleverybodytogrittheirteethandobeytheirowners.Ifsomebodywastotellthewhitefolksaslaverevoltiscoming,weneedthemtolaughandsay,‘Notourslaves,they’relikefamily.They’rethehappiestpeopleonearth.’”
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Whiletheytalked,maumacametomymind,andthepictureIhadofherwaswashed-outliketheredonaquiltafterit’sboiledtoomanytimes.It’dgotsometimeswhereIcouldn’trememberhowherfacelooked,wheretheridgeshadbeenonherfingersfromworkingtheneedle,orwhatshesmelledlikeattheendoftheday.Wheneverthis
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happened,I’dgoouttothespirittree.That’swhereIfeltmaumathesharpest,intheleavesandbarkanddroppingacorns.
Sittingthere,Ishutmyeyesandtriedtogetherback,worriedshewasleavingmeforgood.Aunt-Sisterwould’vesaid,“Lethergo,it’spastthetime,”butIwantedthepainofmauma’sfaceandhandsmorethanthe
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peaceofbeingwithoutthem.IthoughtforaminuteI’d
slipoutandgobacktothespirittree—takemychancegoingoverthegatebeforedark,butMissushadcaughtmeslippingoveritlastmonthandputagashonmyheadthatwasjustscabbingover.She’dtoldSabe,“IfHandfulgetsoutagainwithoutpermission,I’llhaveyouwhippedalongwithher.”
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Nowhehadbugeyesinthebackofhishead.
Itriedtosetmymindonwhatthemenweresaying.
“Whatweneedisabulletmold,”Denmarksaid.“Wegotmuskets,butwedon’thavemusketballs.”
Theywentdownthelistofweapons.I’dknownthere’dbeblood,butIdidn’tknowit’drundownthestreets.Theyhadclubs,axes,
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andknives.Theyhadstolenswords.Theyhadkegsofgunpowderandslowfuseshidunderthedockstheymeanttosetoffroundthecityandburnittotheground.
TheysaidablacksmithslavenamedTomwasmakingfivehundredpikes.IfiguredhehadtobethesameTomtheBlacksmithwhomademauma’sfakeslavebadgebackwhenshe’d
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startedhiringherselfout.Irememberedthedayshe’dshowedittome.Thatsmallcoppersquarewithapinholeatthetop,saidDomesticServant,Number133,Year1805.Icouldseeallthat,butIcouldn’tgetmauma’sfacetocomeclear.
IhadatinyjayfeatherdowninmypocketI’dpickeduponthewayoverhere,andIpulleditoutandtwirledit
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betweenmyfingers,justsomethingtodo,andnextthingIwasthinkingaboutwasthetimemaumasawabirdfuneral.Whenshewasagirl,sheandmygranny-maumacameonadeadcrowlyingundertheirspirittree.Theywenttogetascooptoburyit,andwhentheycameback,sevencrowswereonthegroundcirclingroundthedeadbird,carryingon,not
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cawcaw,butzeepzeep,ahigh-pitchcrylikeamourningchant.Mygranny-maumatoldher,“See,that’swhatbirdsdo,theystopflyingandhuntingfoodandswoopdowntotendtheirdead.Theymarchrounditandcry.Theydothissoeverythingknow:oncethisbirdlivedandnowit’sgone.”
Thatstorybroughtthebrightredofmaumabackto
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me.Herpicturecameperfectinmymind.Isawtheyellow-parchofherskin,thecallusesonherknuckles,thegold-liteyes,andthegapinherteeth,theexactwidenessofit.
“There’sabulletmoldattheCityArsenalonMeetingStreet,”GullahJacksaid.“Butgettinginthere—well,Idon’tknow.”
“Howmanyguardstheygot?”Rollaasked.
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GullahJackrubbedhiswhiskers.“Two,sometimesthree.TheplacehasthewholestockpileofweaponsfortheGuard,butthey’renotlettingoneofusstrollinthere.”
“Gettinginwouldmeanafight,”Denmarksaid,“andthat’sonethingwecan’tafford.LikeIsaid,themainthingnowisnottorousesuspicion.”
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“Whataboutme?”Isaid.Theyturnedandlookedat
melikethey’dforgottenIwasintheroom.
“Whataboutyou?”saidDenmark.
“Icouldgetinthere.Nobodylookstwiceataslavewomanwho’slameinoneleg.”
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SarahAsduskhovered,IsatatthedeskinmyroomandslitopenaletterfromNina.I’dbeenatGreenHillalmostayear,andI’dwrittenhereverymonthwithoutfail,smalldispatchesaboutmylifeandinquiriesabouthers,butshe’dneverrepliedtoany
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ofthem,notone,andnowherewasanenvelopewithherlargecalligraphyandIcouldonlyimaginetheworst.
14March1822DearSister,I’vebeenapoor
correspondentandapoorersister.Ididn’tagreewithyourdecisiontogonorth,andIhaven’tchanged
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mymindaboutit,butIhavebehavedbadly,andIhopeyouwillforgiveme.I’matmywit’send
aboutourmother.Shegrowsmoredifficultandviolenteachday.Sherantsthatwe’vebeenleftwithoutsufficientmeanstoliveandsheblamesThomas,John,and
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Frederickforfailingtotakecareofher.Needlesstosay,theycomeinfrequently,andMarynevercomes,onlyEliza.Sinceyourdeparture,Motherspendsmostofherdayshutinherroom,andwhensheemerges,it’sonlytorageagainsttheslaves.Sheswingshercaneatthemoverthe
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leastthing.SherecentlyhitAunt-Sisterfornothingmorethanburnedloavesofbread.Lastevening,shestruckHandfulwhenshespottedherclimbingoverthebackgate.IshouldaddthatHandfulwasclimbingintotheworkyard,notoutofit,andwhenMotheraskedforan
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explanation,Handfulsaidshe’dseenawoundedpupinthealleyandgoneoverthegatetohelpthecreature.Sheinsistedshewasreturningfromthatmomentarymissionofmercy,butIdon’tthinkMotherbelievedher.Icertainlydidn’t.MotherbroketheskinoverHandful’sbrow,
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whichIbandagedthebestIcould.I’malarmedat
Mother’sescalatingtemper,butIalsofearHandfulisengagedinsomethingdangerousthatinvolvesfrequenttripsoverthegate.Isawherslipawayfromthehousemyselfonanotheroccasion.Sherefusestospeaktome
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aboutit.IdoubtIcanshieldherifshe’scaughtagain.Ifeelaloneand
helplesshere.Pleasecometomyaid.Ibegyou,comehome.
Yoursinneedandwithsisterlylove,Nina
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Ilaiddowntheletter.Pushingbackthechair,Iwenttothedormerwindowandstaredatthedarkeninggroveofcedars.Alittleswarmoffireflieswasrisingupfromitlikeembers.Ifeelaloneandhelplesshere—Nina’swords,butIfeltthemlikemyown.
Earlier,Catherinehadsentmytrunkupfromthecellar,andIbusiedmyself
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nowpullingbelongingsfromthewardrobeandthedesk,strewingthemacrossthebedandontothebraidedrug—bonnets,shawls,dresses,sleepinggowns,gloves,journals,letters,thelittlebiographyofJoanofArcI’dstolenfromFather’sstudy,asinglestrandofpearls,ivorybrushes,bottlesofFrenchglassfilledwithlotionsandpowders,anddearestofall,
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mylavaboxwiththesilverbutton.
“Youdidn’tcomedownforsupper.”Israelstoodinthedoorway,peeringinside,afraid,itseemed,tocrossintomysmall,messysanctum.
MypossessionswerepunybyGrimkéstandards,butIwasneverthelessembarrassedbytheexcess,andinparticularbythewoolenunderwearIwas
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holding.Hefixedhiseyesontheopentrunk,thenswunghisgazetotheeavesasifthesightofmypackingstunghim.
“...Ihadnoappetite,”Isaid.
Hestepped,finally,intothedisarray.“Icametosay,I’msorry.Ishould’vespokeninthemeeting.Iwaswrongnotto.WhatCatherinedidwasunpardonable—I’vetold
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herasmuch.I’llgobeforetheeldersthisweekandmakeitclearIdon’twishyoutoleave.”HiseyesgleamedwithwhatItooktobeanguish.
“...It’stoolate,Israel.”“Butitisn’t.Icanmake
themunderstand—”“No!”Itcameoutmore
forcefullythanIintended.Hesankontotheendof
mynarrowbedandplowed
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hishandthroughhisrampantblackhair.Itfilledmewithasharp,almostexquisitepaintoseehimonthebed,thereamongmygownsandpearlsandlavabox.IthoughthowmuchIwouldmisshim.
Hestoodandtookmyhand.“You’llstillcomeandteachthegirls,won’tyou?Anumberofpeoplehaveofferedtoboardyou.”
Ipulledmyhandaway.
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“...I’mgoinghome.”Hiseyesdartedagainto
thetrunk,andIwatchedhisshoulderscurveforward,hisribsdroppingoneontotheother.“Isitbecauseofme?”
Ipaused,notknowinghowtoanswer.Nina’sletterhadcomejustwhenthebottomhadfallenfromthings,anditwastrue,Iwelcomedtheexcusetoleave.WasIrunningaway
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fromhim?“...No,”Itoldhim.IwassureIwould’veleftregardless,whydissectthereason?
WhenIrecountedthecontentsoftheletter,hesaid,“It’sterribleaboutyourmother,buttheremustbeothersiblingswhocantendtothesituation.”
“...Ninaneedsme.Notsomeoneelse.”
“Butit’sverysudden.
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Youshouldthinkaboutit.Prayaboutit.Godbroughtyouhere,youcan’tdenythat.”
Icouldn’tdenyit.Somethinggoodandrighthadbroughtmenorth,andeventothisveryplace—toGreenHillandIsraelandthechildren.ThemandatetoleaveCharlestonwasstillasradiantasthedayI’dfirstfeltit,buttherewasNina’sletter
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lyingonthedesk.Andthentherewastheothermatter,thematterofRebecca.
“Sarah,weneedyouhere.You’vebecomeindispensableto—toallofus.”
“...It’sdecided,Israel.I’msorry.I’mgoinghometoCharleston.”
Hesighed.“Atleasttellmeyou’llcomebacktousafterthingsaresettledthere.”
Thewindowwassheened
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withtheglareoftheroom,butIsteppedclosetoitandbentmyheadtothepane.Icouldseethebrighthelixoffirefliesstilloutthere.“...Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowanymore.”
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HandfulThenightbeforeIwenttotheCityArsenaltostealabulletmold,meandGoodiscreptuptotheemptyroomoverthecarriagehouse—thesameonewheremeandmaumausedtosleep—andIlethimdowhathe’dbeenwantingtodowithmeforyears,andI
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guesswhatI’dbeenwantingtodowithhim.Iwastwenty-nineyearsoldnow,andItoldmyself,ifIgetcaughttomorrow,theGuardwillkillme,andiftheydon’t,theWorkHousewill,sobeforeIleavetheearth,Imightaswellknowwhatthefussisabout.
TheroomwasemptyexceptforastrawmattressSabehadlaidonthefloorfor
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Mintaandhim,buttheplacestillhadthesameoldfragranceofhorseshit.Ilookeddownatthegrungymattress,whileGoodisspreadacleanblanketcrossit,smoothingouteverylittlewrinklejust-so,andseeingthecarehetookwithit,Ifelttendernesstohimpourthroughme.Hewasn’told,butmostofhishairwasgone.Thelidoverhiswandering
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eyedrooped,whiletheotherlidstayedup,sohealwayslookedlikehewashalfasleep,buthehadabig,easysmileandhekeptitonwhilehehelpedmeoutfrommydress.
WhenIwasstretchedoutontheblanket,hegazedatthepouchroundmyneck,stuffedfatwithscrapsofthespirittree.
“Idon’ttakethatoff,”I
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said.Hegaveitapinch,feeling
thehardlumpsofbarkandacorns.“Theseyourjewels?”
“Yeah.Thosearemygemstones.”
Pushingthepouchtotheside,heheldmybreastsinhishandsandsaid,“Theseain’tbigastwohazelnuts,butthat’showIlike’em,smallandbrownlikethis.”Hekissedmymouthand
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shouldersandrubbedhisfaceagainstthehazelnuts.Thenhekissedmybadfoot,hislipfollowingthesnarledpathofscars.Iwasn’tonetocry,buttearsleakedfromthesidesofmyeyesandranbehindmyears.
Ineverspokeawordthewholetime,evenwhenhepushedinsideme.Ifeltlikeamortaratfirstandhewasthepestle.Itwaslikepounding
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rice,butgentleandkind,breakingopenthetoughhulls.Oncehelaughed,saying,“Thiswhatyouthoughtit’dbe?”andIcouldn’tanswer.Ismiledwiththetearsseepingout.
Thenextmorning,Iwassorefromloving.Atbreakfast,Goodissaid,“It’safineday.Whatyouthink,Handful?”
“Yeah,it’sfine.”
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“Tomorrowgonbefine,too.”
“Mightbe,”Isaid.Afterthemeal,Ifound
NinaandaskedhercouldIhaveapassforthemarket—Sabewasn’tinagrantingmood.Itoldher,“Aunt-Sistersaysmolasseswithalittlewhiskeywoulddoyourmaumaaworldofgood,mightcalmherdown,butwedon’thaveany.”
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Shewrotethepassandwhenshehandedittome,shesaid,“Anytimeyouneed...molassesoranythinglikethat,youcometome.Allright?”
That’showIknewwehadanunderstanding.Course,ifsheknewwhatIwasabouttodo,sheneverwould’vesignedhernameonthatpaper.
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IwalkedtotheArsenalwithmyrabbitcane,carryingabasketofrags,cleaningspirits,afeatherduster,andalongbroomovermyshoulder.GullahJackhadbeenwatchingtheplaceforagoodwhilenow.HesaidonthefirstMondayofthemonth,theyopeneditupforinspectionandmaintenance,countingweapons,cleaningmuskets,andwhat-not.Afree
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blackgirlnamedHildecamethosedaystosweepitout,dust,oilthegunracks,andcleantheprivyoutback.GullahJackhadgivenheracoinnottoshowuptoday.
Denmarkhaddrawnmeapictureofabulletmold.Itlookedlikeapairofnosepliers,exceptthenosecametogethertoformatinybowlontheendwhereyoupouredtheleadtomakethemusket
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ball.Hesaidabulletmoldwasn’tmuchbiggerthanhishand,sogettwoifIcould.Themainthing,hesaid,wasdon’tgetcaught.
Thatwasmymainthing,too.
TheArsenalwasaroundbuildingmadeoutoftabbywithwallstwofootthick.Ithadthreeskinnywindowshighupwithironbars.Today,theshutterswere
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thrownbacktoletthelightin.TheguardbythedoorwantedtoknowwhoIwasandwherewasHilde.Iwoundthroughthestoryabouthergettingsickandsendingmeforthestand-in.Hesaid,“Youdon’tlooklikeyoucouldliftabroom.”
Well,howyouthinkthisbroomgotonmyshoulder?Allbyitself?That’swhatIwantedtosay,butIlookedat
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theground.“Yessir,butI’mahardworker,you’llsee.”
Heunlockedtheboltonthedoor.“They’recleaningmusketstoday.Stayoutoftheirway.Whenyou’redone,taponthedoorandI’llletyouout.”
Isteppedinside.Thedoorslammed.Theboltclicked.
Standingthere,tryingtogetmybearingsthroughthegloom,Isniffedmoldand
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linseedoilandtherancidsmellofcooped-upair.Twoguardswereonthefarsidewiththeirbackstome,takingamusketapartunderoneofthewindows—allthepiecesspreadoutonatable.Oneofthemturnedandsaid,“It’sHilde.”
Ididn’tclearupthemistake.Istartedsweeping.
TheArsenalwasasingleroomfilledwithweapons.
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Myeyesrovedovereverything.Kegsofgunpowderwerestackedinthemiddlehalfwaytotheceiling.Arrangedneatalongthewallswerewoodenracksfilledwithmusketsandpistols,heapsofcannonballs,andintheback,dozensofwoodenchests.
Ikeptthebroomgoing,workingmywayroundthewholefloor,hopingthe
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swish-swishcoveredtheloud,raggedwaymybreathwascoming.Theguards’voicescameandwentinechoes.
Thisonecouldfireonthehalf-cock.Seethemainspringonthehammer?It’sgonebad.
Makesuretheramrodheadistightandthere’snorustonit.
WhenIwasblockedfromtheirviewbehindthepowder
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kegs,mybreatheasedup.Igotoutthefeatherduster.Onebyone,Ibrushedthetopsofthewoodenchests,pausingeachtimetolookovermyshoulderbeforeliftingthelidtopeekinside.Ifoundcowhornswithleatherstraps.Atangleofironhandcuffs.Barsoflead.PiecesofthinropeIguessedtobefuses.Butnobulletmolds.
ThenInoticedanold
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snaredrumproppedupagainstthewall,andbehinditwasanotherchest.Pickingmywayovertoit,mylamefootupsetthedrum,andwhamblam,ithitthefloor.
Herecamethebootsstomping.Igrabbedthedusterandthefeatherstwitchedandshookinmyhandlikethey’dcomealive.
Theguardyelledatme.“Whatwasthatracket?”
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“Thisdrumrightherefellover.”
Henarrowedhiseyes.“You’renotHilde.”
“No,sheturnedsick.I’mfillingin.”
Hehadalongpieceofmetalinhishandfromthemusket.Hepointeditatthedrum.“Wedon’tneedthatsortofcarelessnessinhere!”
“Yessir,I’lltakecare.”Hewentbacktowork,
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butmyhearthadbeenbeattobutter.
Iopenedthechestwherethedrumhadleanedandtheremust’vebeentenbulletmoldsinside.Ipulledouttwo,slowsotheywouldn’tclink,andstucktheminmybasketundertherags.
ThenIswepttheaircleanofcobwebsandwipeddownthegunrackswithoil.WhenIhadtheplacegoodasHilde
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would’vedoneit,Igatheredmystuffandtappedonthedoor.
“Don’tforgetthelatrine,”theguardatthedoorsaid,thumbingtowardtherearoftheArsenal.
Iheadedbackthere,butIwalkedrightpastitandkeptgoing.
Thatnightinmyroom,I
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foundalittlepieceofcobwebinmyhair.Itookatowelandrubbedmyselfclean,thenlaydownontopofthestoryquilt,rememberingthesmileonDenmark’sfacewhenI’dshowedupandpulledabulletmoldfrommybasket.WhenIdrewoutthesecondone,he’dslappedhislegandsaid,“YoumightbethebestlieutenantIgot.”
Iwaitedforsleep,butit
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didn’tcome.Afterawhile,Iwentandsatonthebackporchsteps.Theyardwasquiet.IeyedtheroomoverthecarriagehouseandwonderedifGoodishadlookedformeaftersupper.Hewouldbeasleepnow.Denmark,too.Iwastheonlyoneup,worryingaboutthebowlontheendofthebulletmold,theplacetheypourthelead.Howmanypeople
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wouldthosemusketballskill?Imight’vepassedoneofthemonthestreettoday.Imightpassonetomorrow.Imightpassahundredpeoplewhowoulddiecauseofme.
Themoonwasroundandwhite,sittingsmallatthetopofthesky.Itseemedtherightsizetositinthebowlonthebulletmold.ThatwaswhatIwished.Iwishedforthemooninsteadoflead.
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SarahIarrivedinCharlestonwearingmybestQuakerfrock,aplaingraydresswithaflatwhitecollarandmatchingbonnet,thepictureofhumility.BeforeleavingPhiladelphia,I’dbeenofficiallyacceptedintotheQuakerfold.Myprobation
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hadended.Iwasoneofthem.Uponseeingmeforthe
firsttimeinoverayear,Motherreceivedmykissonhercheekandsaid,“Iseeyou’vereturnedasaQuaker.Really,Sarah,howcanyoushowyourfaceinCharlestondressedlikethat?”
Ididn’tlikethegarbeither,butitwasatleastmadefromwool,freeofslavelabor.WeQuakersboycotted
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Southerncotton.WeQuakers—howstrangethatsoundedtome.
ItriedtosmileandmakelightofMother’scomment,notyetgraspingthefullreasonforit.“...Isthatmywelcomehome,then?Surelyyou’vemissedme.”
ShewassittinginthesamespotwhereI’dlastseenher,inthefadinggoldbrocadewingchairbythe
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window,andwearingthesameblackdress,holdingherinfernalgold-tipcaneacrossherlap.Itwasasifshe’dbeensittingtheresinceIleft.Everythingaboutherseemedunchanged,exceptsheappearedmoredilapidatedaroundtheedges.Theskinofherneckfoldedturtle-likeontohercollarandthehairatherforeheadwasfrayinglikeanedgeofcloth.
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“I’vemissedyou,dear,ofcourse.Theentirehouseholdsufferedbecauseofyourdesertion,butyoucan’tgoaboutdressedlikethat—youwouldbetakenatonceforaQuaker,andtheiranti-slaveryviewsarewellknownhere.”
Ihadn’tthoughtofthis.Iranmypalmsdownthesidesofmyskirt,feelingsuddenlyfondofmydraboutfit.
Avoicecamefromthe
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doorway.“Ifthat’swhatthishideousdressofyoursmeans,I’llhavetogetonemyself.”
Nina.Shelookedlikeawholenewcreature.Shewastaller,standinginchesabovemewithhersablehairsweptback,hercheekshigher,herbrowsthickandhereyesblack.Mysisterhadbecomeadarklybeautifulwoman.
Shethrewherarmsaroundme.“Youareneverto
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leaveagain.”Asweclungtoeach
other,Mothermuttered,asiftoherself,“Foronce,thechildandIagreeonsomething.”
NinaandIlaughed,andthenastonishingly,Motherlaughed,andthesoundthethreeofusmadetogetherintheroomcreatedasillyjoyinsideofme.
“...Lookatyou,”Isaid,
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cuppingNina’sfaceinmyhands.
Mother’seyesflittedfrommycollartomyhemandback.“I’mquiteseriousaboutthedress,Sarah.OneoftheQuakerfamiliesherehadtheirhomepeltedwitheggs.ItwasreportedyesterdayintheMercury.Tellher,Nina.ExplaintoyoursisterthatCharlestoniansareinnomoodtoseeherparading
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aroundlikethis.”Ninasighed.“Thereare
rumorsinthecityofaslaverevolt.”
“...Arevolt?”“It’snothingbut
twaddle,”Mothersaid,“butpeopleareoverwroughtaboutit.”
“Ifyoubelievethestories,”Ninasaid,“theslavesaregoingtoconvergeonthestreets,killtheentire
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whitepopulation,andburnthecity.”
Theskinonmyarmsprickled.
“Afterthekillingandburning,supposedlytheywillplunderthestatebankandthenraidthehorsesinthecitystableorelseboardshipsintheharborandsailofftoHaiti.”
AsmallscoffescapedMother’sthroat.“Canyou
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imaginethemdevisingsuchanelaborateplan?”
Ifeltasortofplummetinginmychest.Icould,infact,imagineit.Notthepartabouttheslaughter—that,mymindcouldn’tfathom.ButthereweremoreslaveslivinginCharlestonthanwhites,whyshouldn’ttheyconceiveaplottofreethemselves?Itwouldhavetobeelaborateandboldinordertosucceed.Andit
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couldn’thelpbutbeviolent.Reflexively,Ipressedmy
palmstogetherbeneathmychin,asifpraying.“...DearGod.”
“Butyoucan’ttakeitseriously,”Ninasaid.“TherewasasimilarsituationinEdgefield,remember?Thewhitefamilieswerecertaintheywouldbemurderedintheirbeds.Itwassimplehysteria.”
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“...What’sbehindit?Howdidtherumorstart?”
“ItstartedwithColonelJohnPrioleau’shouseslave.Apparently,heheardnewsofarevoltatthewharvesandreportedittothecolonel,whowenttotheauthorities.TheGuardtrackeddownthesource—aslavenamedWilliamPaul,who’swellknown,apparently,forbeingabraggart.Thepoormanwas
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arrestedandisbeingheldattheWorkHouse.”Ninapaused,shuddering.“Ican’tbeartothinkwhatthey’vedonetohim.”
Motherrappedthefloorwithhercane.“Themayor-intendenthasdismissedthematter.GovernorBennetthasdismissedthematter.Iwantnofurthertalkofit.Justtakeheed,Sarah,theclimateisatinderbox.”
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Ilongedtodismissthepossibilityofarevolt,too,butIfeltitinsideofmenowlikeatidalpull.
SeekingoutHandfulthenextmorning,IfoundhersittingonthekitchenhousestepsbesideGoodiswithaneedleinherhandandabrassthimbleonherpushingfinger,hemmingwhatlooked
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likeanapron.ThetwoofthemweresnickeringasIapproached,givingeachotheraffectionatelittlejabs.Seeingme,theyceased.
Goodisleapttohisfeetandthetopofhiscoverallsfloppeddownononeside.SeizedbyasuddenrippleofnervesoverhowHandfulwouldrespondtome,Ipointedtowherehisbuttonwasmissing.“...You’ll
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havetogetHandfultorepairthatforyou,”Isaid,andregretteditinstantly.Itsoundedbossyandcondescending.ItwasnothowI’dwantedtoreunitewithher.
“Yessum,”hesaid,andwithaglanceatHandful,leftus.
Ibentoverandembracedher,loopingmyarmsabouthershoulders.Aftera
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moment,sheraisedherarmsandpattedmeonthesidesofmyribs.
“Ninasaidyouwerecomingback.Youstayingputnow?”
“...Imight.”Itookaseatbesideher.“...We’llsee.”
“Well,ifIwasyou,I’dgetbackontheboat.”
Ismiledather.Astripofdarkblueshadedrapedover
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usfromtheeave,darkeningaswefellsilent.Ifoundmyselfstaringatthedistortedwayherfoothookedinward,atthesoughingrhythmofherhands,atherbackcurvedoverherwork,andIfelttheoldguilt.
Ipliedherwithquestions:howshe’dfaredsinceIleft,howMotherhadtreatedher,howtheotherslaveshadheldup.Iaskedifperhapsshehad
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aspecialfriendshipwithGoodis.Sheshowedmethescaronherforehead,callingitMother’shandiwork.ShesaidAunt-Sister’seyesightwasfailingandPhoebedidmostofthecooking,thatSabecouldn’tholdacandletoTomfry,andMintawasagoodsoulwhotookthebruntof“missus’nastiness.”AtthesubjectofGoodis,shemerelygrinned,whichgaveher
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away.“...Whatdoyouknow
aboutrumorsofaslaverevolt?”Ifinallyasked.
Herhandgrewstillforamoment.“Whydon’tyoutellmewhatyouknowaboutit?”
IrepeatedwhatNinahadsaidabouttheslave,WilliamPaul,andhisclaimsofanuprising.“...Theofficialsaretellingthepublicthey’reuntrue,”Iadded.
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Shelaidtheaprondown.“Theyare?Theydon’tbelieveit’strue?”HerfacewasfloodedwithsuchreliefIgotthefeelingtherevoltwasnotonlyreal,butthatsheknewagreatdealaboutit.
“...Eveniftheybelievesuchaplanexists,theywoulddenyit,”Itoldher,wantinghertounderstandthedanger.“Idoubtthey’dacknowledgeitpublicly.Theywouldn’t
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wanttocauseapanic.Ortiptheirhand.Ifthey’vefoundtheslightestevidenceofaplot,believeme,they’llrespond.”
Shepickeduptheneedleandthreadandthehushfellagain,heavierthistime.Iwatchedherhandmoveupanddown,makingpeaksandvalleys,thentheflashofherthimble,andIrememberedus—littlegirlsontheroof,her
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tellingmeaboutthetruebrassthimble.Thissameone,Iimagined.Icouldseeherlyingagainsttherooftiles,squintingattheblurofskyandclouds,theteacupbalancedonhertummy,herdresspocketstuffedwithfeathers,theirruffledendspokingout.We’dspilledallofoursecretstooneanotherthere.Itwastheclosestthingtoparitythetwoofushad
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everfound.Itriedtoholdthepictureinmymind,tobreatheitbacktolife,butitdissolved.
Ididn’texpecthertoconfideinmeanymore.Shewouldkeephersecretsnow.
NinaandIsetoutbyfootforthetinyQuakermeetinghouseonSunday,anexceptionallylongwalkthattookustothe
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othersideofthecity.Westrolledarminarmasshetoldmeaboutthelettersthathadarrivedatthehouseforweeksaftermydeparture,inquiringaboutmyhealth.I’dforgottenabouttheconsumptionstoryMotherhadconcoctedtoexplainmyabsence,andNinaandIlaughedaboutitallthewaydownSocietyStreet.
Afiercesummerrainhad
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sweptthroughovernightandtheairwascoolandfresh,floodedwiththescentofteaolive.Pinkbougainvilleapetalsfloatedontherainpuddles,andseeingthem,havingNinabesidemelikethisonsuchagloriousday,IfeltImightre-findmysenseofbelonging.
Thepasttendayshadpassedinrelativequiet.I’dspentthetimetryingtoput
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thehouseholdbackinorderandhavinglongtalkswithNina,whoaskedendlessquestionsabouttheNorth,abouttheQuakers,aboutIsrael.I’dhopedtoavoidallmentionofhim,butheslippedthroughthetinyfracturesanyway.Handfulhadavoidedme.Gratefully,nothingoutoftheordinaryhadtranspiredinthecityandreportsoftheslave
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insurrectionhaddwindledasfolksreturnedtothebusinessathand.I’dbeguntothinkI’doverreactedaboutit.
OnthismorningIwaswearingmy“abolitionclothes,”asMotherinsistedoncallingthem.AsaQuaker,thatwasallIwaspermittedtowear,andheavenknows,Iwasnothingifnotearnest.Earlieratbreakfast,uponlearningofmyintentionto
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attendtheQuakerMeetingandtakeNinawithme,Motherhaddisplayedafitoftempersopredictablewe’dpracticallyyawnedthroughit.Itwasjustaswellshedidn’tknowwe’ddecidedtowalk.
Nearingthemarket,webegantohearthesteadyclompofthunderinthedistance,thenshouting.Asweturnedthecorner,twoslavewomenbrokepastus,
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holdinguptheirskirtsandsprinting.MarchingtowarduswereatleastahundredSouthCarolinamilitiawiththeirsabersandpistolsdrawn.TheywereflankedbytheCityGuard,whocarriedmusketsinsteadoftheirtypicaltruncheons.
ItwasMarketSunday,adaywhentheslaveswereheavilycongregatedonthestreets.Standingfrozen,Nina
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andIwatchedthemfleeinpanicashussarsonhorsebackrushedatthem,shoutingatthemtodisperse.
“What’shappening?”Ninasaid.
Igazedatthepandemonium,oddlystunned.We’dcometoastandstillbeforetheCarolinaCoffeeHouse,andIthoughtatfirstwewouldduckinside,butitwaslocked.“Weshould
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goback,”Itoldher.Asweturnedtoleave,
however,astreetvendor,aslavegirlnomorethantwelve,boltedtowardus,andinherfrightandpanic,shestumbled,spillingherbasketofvegetablesacrossourpath.Instinctively,NinaandIbenttohelpherretrievetheradishesandcabbagesandrollingpotatoes.
“Stepaway!”aman
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yelled.“You!”Liftingmyforehead,I
glimpsedanofficertrottingtowardusonhishorse.HewasspeakingtomeandNina.Westraightened,whilethegirlwentoncrawlingaboutinthedirtafterherbruisedwares.
“...We’redoingnoharmbyassistingher,”Isaidashereinedtoastop.Hisattention,though,wasnotontheturnip
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inmyhand,butonmydress.“AreyouQuaker?”Hehadalarge,bonyface
withslightlybulgingeyesthatmadehimlookmoreterrorizingperhapsthanhetrulywas,butsuchlogicwaslosttomethen.Fearanddreadrushedupfrommythroat,andmytongue,feeblecreature,layinmymouthlikeasluginitscleft.
“Didyouhearme?”he
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saidcalmly.“Iaskedifyou’reoneofthosereligiouspariahswhoagitateagainstslavery.”
Imovedmylips,yetnothingcame,onlythisterrible,silentmouthing.Ninasteppedcloseandinterlockedherfingersinmine.Iknewshewantedtospeakforme,butsherefrained,waiting.Closingmyeyes,Iheardthegullsfromtheharborcalling
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toeachother.Ipicturedthemglidingoncurrentsofairandrestingonswellsofwater.
“IamaQuaker,”Isaid,thewordsarrivingwithoutthejerkofhesitationthatprecededmostofmysentences.IheardNinareleaseherbreath.
Sensinganaltercation,twowhitemenstoppedtostare.Behindthem,Isawtheslavegirldashingawaywith
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herbasket.“What’syourname?”the
officerasked.“I’mSarahGrimké.Who,
sir,areyou?”Hedidn’tbotherto
answer.“Youaren’tJudgeGrimké’sdaughter—surely.”
“Hewasmyfather,yes.Hehasbeendeadalmostthreeyears.”
“Well,it’sagoodthinghedidn’tlivetoseeyoulike
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this.”“...Ibegyourpardon?I
don’tseethatmybeliefsareanyofyourconcern.”Ihadthefeelingoffloatingfreefrommymoorings.WhatcametomewasthememoryofbeingadriftintheseathatdayatLongBranchwhileFatherlayill.Floatingfarfromtherope.
Thecolumnsofmilitiahadfinallyreachedusand
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werepassingbehindtheofficerinawaveofnoiseandswagger.Hishorsebegantobobitsheadnervouslyasheraisedhisvoiceoverthedin.“Outofrespectforthejudge,Iwon’tdetainyou.”
Ninabrokein.“Whatrightdoyouhave—”
Iinterrupted,wantingtokeepherfromwadingintowatersthatwerebecomingincreasinglytreacherous.
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Strangely,Ifeltnosuchcompunctionformyself.“...Detainme?”Isaid.“Onwhatgrounds?”
Bynow,ahordeofpeoplehadjoinedthetwoleeringmen.AmanwearingaSundaymorningcoatspitinmydirection.Nina’shandtightenedonmine.
“Yourbeliefs,evenyourappearance,underminetheorderI’mtryingtokeep
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here,”theofficersaid.“Theydisturbthepeaceofgoodcitizensandgiveunwantednotionstotheslaves.You’refeedingtheverykindofinsurgencythat’sgoingonrightnowinourcity.”
“...Whatinsurgency?”“Areyougoingtopretend
youhaven’theardtherumors?Therewasaplotamongtheslavestomassacretheirownersandescape.That
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would,Ibelieve,includeyouandyoursisterhere.Itwastotakeplacethisnight,butIassureyouithasbeenthoroughlyoutwitted.”
Liftingthereinsfromthehornofhissaddle,heglancedatthepassingmilitia,thenturnedbacktome.“Gohome,MissGrimké.Yourpresenceonthestreetisunwantedandinflammatory.”
“Gohome!”someonein
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thecrowdshouted,andthentheyalltookitup.
Idrewmyselfup,glaringattheirangryfaces.“...Whatwouldyouhavetheslavesdo?”Icried.“...Ifwedon’tfreethem,theywillfreethemselvesbywhatevermeans.”
“Sarah!”Ninacriedinsurprise.
Asthecrowdbegantohurlviciousepithetsatme,I
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tookherbythearmandwehurriedbackthewaywe’dcome,walkingquickly.“Don’tlookback,”Itoldher.
“Sarah,”shesaid,breathless,hervoiceoverflowingwithawe.“You’vebecomeapublicmutineer.”
Theslaverevoltdidn’tcomethatnight,oranynight.The
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cityfathershadindeedferretedouttheplotthroughthecruelpersuasionsoftheWorkHouse.Duringthedaysthatfollowed,newsoftheintendedrevoltravagedCharlestonlikeanepidemic,leavingitdazedandpetrified.Arrestsweremade,anditwassaidtherewouldbeagreatmanymore.Iknewitwasthebeginningofwhatwouldbecomeamonstrous
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backlash.Residentswerealreadyfortifyingtheirfencetopswithbrokenbottlesuntilpermanentironspikescouldbeinstalled.Thechevaux-de-frisewouldsoonencirclethemosteleganthomeslikeornamentalarmor.
Inthemonthsahead,aharshneworderwouldbeestablished.Ordinanceswouldbeenactedtocontrolandrestrictslavesfurther,and
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severerpunishmentswouldensue.ACitadelwouldbebuilttoprotectthewhitepopulace.Butthatfirstweek,wewereallstillgrippedwithshock.
Mydefianceonthestreetbecamecommonknowledge.Mothercouldbarelylookatmewithoutblanching,andevenThomasshoweduptowarnmethatthepatronageofhisfirmwouldbeharmedifI
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persistedinthatkindoffolly.OnlyNinastoodbyme.
AndHandful.Shewascleaningthe
mahoganystaircaselateoneafternoonintheaftermathoftheeventwhenarockflewthroughthefrontwindowofthedrawingroom,shatteringthepane.Hearingtheexplosionofglassallthewayonthesecondfloor,IhurrieddowntofindHandfulwith
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herbackpressedagainstthewallbesidethebrokenwindow,tryingtopeeroutwithoutbeingseen.Shewavedmeback.“Watchout,theycouldtossanotherone.”
Astonethesizeofahen’segglayontheruginanestofshards.Shoutsdriftedfromthestreet.Slavelover.Niggerlover.Abolitionist.Northernwhore.
Westaredateachotheras
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thesoundsmeltedaway.Theroomturnedquiet,serene.Lightwaspouringin,hittingthescatteredglass,turningitintopiecesoffireonthecrimsonrug.Thesightbereavedme.NotbecauseIwasdespised,butbecauseofhowpowerlessIfelt,becauseitseemedIcoulddonothing.Iwassoontobethirty,andI’ddonenothing.
Theysayinextreme
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momentstimewillslow,returningtoitsunmovingcore,andstandingthere,itseemedasifeverythingstopped.Withinthestillness,Ifelttheold,irrepressibleachetoknowwhatmypointintheworldmightbe.IfeltthelongingmoresolemnlythananythingI’deverfelt,evenmorethanmyoldinnateloneliness.Whatcametomewasthefleurdelisbuttonin
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theboxandthelostgirlwho’dputitthere,howI’dtwicecarrieditfromCharlestontoPhiladelphiaandback,carrieditlikeasad,decayinghope.
Acrosstheroom,Handfulstrodeintotheglowingdebrisontherug,bentandpickedupthestone.Iwatchedassheturneditoverinherhands,knowingIwouldleavethisplaceyetagain.Iwould
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returnnorthtomakewhatlifeIcould.
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HandfulThedayofretributionpassedwithoutamusketballgettingfired,withoutafusebeinglit,withoutanyofusgettingfree,butnotonewhitepersonwouldlookatuseveragainandthinkwewereharmless.
Ididn’tknowwhowasarrestedandwhowasn’t.I
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didn’tknowifDenmarkwassafeorsorry,orboth.Sarahsaiditwasbesttostayoffthestreets,butbyWednesday,Icouldn’twaitanymore.IfoundNinaandtoldherIneededapasstogetsomemolasses.Shewroteitoutandsaid,“Becareful.”
Denmarkwasinthebedroomofhishouse,stuffingclothesandmoneyinaknapsack.Susanledme
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backthere,hereyesbloodshotwithcrying.Istoodinthedoorwayandbreathedtheheavyair,andthought,Itallcametonothing,buthe’sstillhere.
TherewasanironbedagainstthewallcoveredwiththequiltI’dmadetohidethelistofnames.Theblacktriangleswerelaidoutperfectontheredsquares,buttheylookedsadtomenow.Likea
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birdfuneral.Isaidtohim,“So,
where’reyougoing?”Susanstartedtocry,and
hesaid,“Woman,ifyou’regoingtomakeallthatnoise,doitsomewhereelse.”
Shepushedpastmethroughthedoor,sniffling,saying,“Goontoyourotherwifethen.”
Isaid,“Youleavingforanotherwife?”
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Thecurtainhadbeenyankedclosedonthewindow,leavingacrackonthesidewhereapieceofbrightnesscamein.Itpointedathimlikeasundial.“It’samatteroftimebeforetheycomelookingformehere,”hesaid.“YesterdaytheypickedupNed,Rolla,andPeter.ThethreeofthemareintheWorkHouse,andIdon’tdoubttheirfortitude,
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butthey’llbetorturedtilltheynamenames.Ifourplanslivetoseeanotherday,Ihavetogo.”
Dreadsliddownmyback.Isaid,“Whataboutmyname?Willtheysaymynameforstealingthebulletmold?”
Hesatdownonthebed,ontopofthedeadblackbirdwings,withhisarmsdanglingbyhisknees.Whenthe
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recruitsusedtocometothehouse,he’dshout,TheLordhasspokentome,andhe’dlooksternandmightyastheLordhimself,butnowhejustlookedcastdown.“Don’tworry,”hesaid,“they’reaftertheleader—that’sme.Nobodywillsayyourname.”
Ihatedtoaskhimthequestion,butIneededtoknow.“Whathappenedtotheplans?”
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Heshookhishead.“ThethingIworriedaboutwasthehouseslaveswhocan’ttellwheretheyendandtheirownersbegin.Wegotbetrayed,that’swhathappened.Oneofthembetrayedus,andtheGuardputspiesoutthere.”
Hisjawtightened,andhepushedoffthebed.“Thedayweweresettostrike,thetroopswerebuiltupsoheavy
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ourcourierscouldn’tgetoutofthecitytospreadthecall.Wecouldn’tlightthefusesorretrievetheweapons.”Hepickedupatinplatewithacandlestucktoitandhurleditatthewall.“Goddamnthem.Goddamnthemtohell.God—”Hisfacetwisted.
Ididn’tmovetillhisshouldersdroppedandIfeltthetormentleavehim.Isaid,“Youdidwhatyoucould.
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Nobodywillforgetthat.”“Yeah,theywill.They’ll
forget.”Hepeeledthequiltoffthebedanddrapeditinmyarms.“Here,youtakethiswithyouandburnthelist.Burnitstraightaway.Idon’thavetime.”
“Wherewillyoube?”“I’mafreeblackman.I’ll
bewhereI’llbe,”hesaid,beingcarefulincaseRollaandthemsaidmynameafter
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all,andthewhitemencametotortureme.
Hepickeduptheknapsackandheadedforthedoor.Itwasn’tthelasttimeI’dseehim.Butthosewords,I’llbewhereI’llbe,werethelastwordsheeverspoketome.
Iburnedthelistofnamesinthestovefireinthekitchen
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house.ThenIwaitedforwhatwouldbe.
Denmarkwascaughtfourdayslaterinthehouseofafreemulattowoman.Hehadatrialwithsevenjudges,andbeforeitwasoveranddone,everypersoninthecity,whiteandblack,knewhisname.Thehearsayfromthetrialfloodedthestreetsandalleysandfilledupthedrawingroomsandthework
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yards.TheslavessaidDenmarkVeseywastheblackJesusandeveniftheykilledhim,hewouldriseonthethirdday.ThewhitefolkssaidhewastheFrozenSerpentthatstruckthebosomthatshelteredhim.Theysaidhewasageneralwhomisledhisownarmy,thatheneverhadasmanyweaponsastheslavesthoughthedid.TheGuardfoundafewpikesand
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pistolsandtwobulletmolds,butthatwasall.MaybeGullahJack,whomanagedtostayfreetillAugust,madetherestofthearmsdisappear,butIwonderedifDenmarkhadpulledthetruthliketaffythewaytheysaid.WhenIopenedthequiltsoIcouldburnthelist,Icountedtwohundredeighty-threenamesonit,notsixthousandlikehe’dsaid.Nowadays,I
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believehejustwantedtostrikeaflame,thinkingifhedidthat,everyable-bodywouldjointhefight.
Onthedaytheverdictcame,Sabehadmeonmyhandsandkneesrollingupcarpetsandscrubbingfloorsinthemainpassageway.TheheatwassobadIcould’vewashedthesoapoffthefloorwiththesweatpouringdownmyface.ItoldSabefloor-
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scrubbingwaswinterworkandhesaid,wellgood,youcandoitnextwinter,too.Iswear,Ididn’tknowwhatMintasawinhim.
I’djustslippedouttothepiazzatocatchabreezewhenSarahsteppedoutthereandsaid,“...Ithoughtyouwouldwanttoknow,DenmarkVesey’strialisover.”
Course,therewasn’ta
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wayintheworldthemanwasgettingfree,butstill,Ireachedbackforthebannister,weakwithhope.Shecameclosetomeandlaidherhandonmysoaked-throughdress.“...Theyfoundhimguilty.”
“Whathappenstohimnow?”
“...He’llbeputtodeath.I’msorry.”
Ididn’tletonanything
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insideme,thewaysorrowwasalreadysingingagaininthehollowofmybones.
Itdidn’tcrossmymindyettowonderwhySarahsoughtmeoutwiththenews.SheandNinabothknewIleftthepremisessometimesforreasonsofmyown,buttheydidn’tknowIwenttohishouse.Theydidn’tknowhecalledmedaughter.Theydidn’tknowhewasanything
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specialtome.“...Whentheygavethe
verdict,theyalsoissuedanedict,”shesaid.“...Akindoforderfromthejudges.”
Istudiedherface,herredfrecklesburningbrightinthesunandworrygatheredtightinhereyes,andIknewwhyshewasouthereonthepiazzawithme—itwasaboutthisedict.
“...Anyblackperson,
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manorwoman,whomournsDenmarkVeseyinpublicwillbearrestedandwhipped.”
IlookedawayfromherintotheornamentgardenwhereGoodishadlefttherakeandhoeandthewateringpot.Everygreenthingwasboweddownthirsty.Everythingwithering.
“...Handful,please,listentomenow,accordingtotheorder,youcannotwear
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blackonthestreets,orcry,orsayhisname,ordoanythingtomarkhim.Doyouunderstand?”
“No,Idon’tunderstand.Iwon’tneverunderstand,”Isaid,andwentonbackinsidetothescrubbrush.
OnJuly2beforethesunrose,Iwriggledthroughthewindowinmyroom,braced
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mybackagainstthehouseandmygoodlegagainstthewall,andshimmiedupandoverthefencethewayIusedtodo.Tohellwithbeggingforapass.WhitepeoplesigningtheirnamessoIcouldwalkdownthestreet.Hellwithit.
IhurriedthroughthecitywhileIstillhadthedarknessforcover.WhenIgottoMagazineStreet,thelight
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brokewideopen.SpyingtheWorkHouse,Istoppeddeadinmytracks,andforaminutemybodyfeltlikeitwasbackinsidethere.Icouldhearthetreadmillgroaning,couldsmellthefear.Inmyhead,Isawthecowhideslapthebabyonitsmauma’sback,andIfeltmyselffalling.TheonlywayIkeptfromturningbackwasthinkingaboutDenmark,howanyminute
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they’dbringhimandhislieutenantsoutthroughtheWorkHousegate.
ThejudgeshadpickedJuly2fortheexecutionday,asecreteverybodyintheworldknew.TheysaidDenmarkandfiveotherswouldbeputtodeathearlyinthemorningatBlake’sLands,amarshyplacewithastandofoakswheretheyhungpiratesandcriminals.Everyslavewho
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couldfigureawaytogettherewouldshowup,andwhitepeople,too,Ireckoned,butsomethingtoldmetocometotheWorkHousefirstandfollowDenmarktoBlake’sLands.Maybehe’dcatchsightofmeandknowhedidn’ttravelthelastmileofhislifealone.
Icrouchedbytheanimalshedsnearthegate,andsoonenoughfourhorse-drawn
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wagonscamerollingoutwiththedoomedmenshackledinback,sittingontopoftheirownburialboxes.Theywereaswollen,beat-uplot—RollaandNedinthefirstwagon,Peterinthesecond,andtwomenIneverhadseeninthethird.ThelastoneheldDenmark.Hesattallwithhisfacegrim.Hedidn’tseemegettomyfeetandlimpalongbehindthemonthesideof
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theroad.TheGuardwasheavyinthewagons,soIhadtostaywellback.
Thehorsesploddedalongslow.Itrailedthemagoodwayswithmyfootachinginsidemyshoe,workinghardtokeepup,wishinghe’dlookatme,andthenastrangethinghappened.ThefirstthreewagonsturneddowntheroadtowardBlake’sLands,butthefourthonewith
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Denmarkturnedintheoppositedirection.Denmarklookedconfusedandtriedtostand,butaguardpushedhimdown.
Hewatchedhislieutenantsrumbleaway.Heyelled,“Dielikemen!”Hekeptonyellingitwhilethedistancegrewbetweenthemandthedustfromthewheelschurned,andRollaandPetershouteditback.Dielikemen.
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Dielikemen.Ididn’tknowwhere
Denmark’swagonwasheaded,butIhurriedbehinditwiththeircriesintheair.Thenhiseyesfellonme,andheturnedquiet.Therestoftheway,hewatchedmecomealongbehind,laggingwayback.
TheyhunghimfromanoaktreeonanemptystretchalongAshleyRoad.Nobody
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wastherebutthefourguards,thehorse,andme.AllIcoulddowassquatfaroffinthepalmettoscrubandwatch.Denmarksteppedquietontothehighbenchanddidn’tmovewhentheytuggedthenooseoverhishead.Hewentlikeheshoutedtotheothers,likeaman.Uptilltheykickedthebenchoutfromunderhislegs,hestaredatthepalmleaveswhereIhid.
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Ilookedawaywhenhedropped.Ikeptmyeyesontheground,listeningtothegaspsthatdriftedfromthetree.Allround,thehermitcrabsskittered,lookingatmewiththeirtinystupideyes,slidinginandoutofholesintheblackdirt.
WhenIlookedagain,Denmarkwasswayingonthelimbwiththehangingmoss.
Theytookhimdown,put
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himinthewoodcoffin,andnailedthelid.Afterthewagondisappeareddowntheroad,Ieasedoutfrommyhidingplaceandwalkedtothetree.Itwasalmostpeacefulunderthereintheshade.Likenothinghadhappened.Justthescuffmarksinthedustwherethebenchhadfallenover.
Therewasapotter’sfieldnearby.Iknewthey’dbury
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himthereandnobodywouldknowwherehewaslaid.Theedictfromthejudgessaidwecouldn’tcry,orsayhisname,ordoanythingtomarkhim,butItookalittlepieceofredthreadfrommyneckpouchandtieditroundoneofthetwigsonalow,dippingbranchtomarkthespot.ThenIcriedmytearsandsaidhisname.
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PARTFIVENovember1826–November1829
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HandfulItwaslongaboutNovemberwhenGoodiscaughtachestcoughandIheadedtothestablewithsomehorehoundandbrownsugarforhisthroat,thinkingit’sanotherdull-lusterdayintheworld.Onemorestitchinthecloth.
Upinthehousemissus
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andNinawerebickering.Oneminuteit’sthewaymissustreatsusslaves,nextit’sNinarefusingtogobacktosociety.WithoutSarahheretoseparatethem,theykeptafightgoingallday.Phoebewasinthekitchenhousecookingastewmeat,gettingmoresuggestionsfromAunt-Sisterthansheneeded.Mintawashidingoutsomeplace,probablythelaundryhouse,
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andSabe,ifIhadtoguess,wasinthecellar,smokingmasterGrimké’spipe.Nowthattheliquorwasgone,Ismelledpipesmokeallthetime.
IsloweddownbythevegetablegardentoseeifGoodisplanteditforthewinter.Itwasnothingbutdirtclods.Theornamentgardenwasinashamble,too—therosevineschokingthe
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oleanderandthemyrtlespurtingintwentywrongdirections.MissussaidGoodisgaveshiftlessabadname,butthemanwasn’tlazy,hewassicktothebackteethofforcinghimselftocareabouthersquashesandflowers.
WhileIwasstudyingthedirtandworryingabouthim,Igotthefeelingsomebodywaswatchingme.Ilooked
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firstatmissus’window,butitwasempty.Thestabledoorwasopen,butGoodishadhisbacktome,rubbingdownthehorse.Then,fromtheedgeofmyeye,Isawtwofiguresatthebackgate.Theydidn’tmovewhenIlookedtheirway,juststoodthereinthesharplight—anoldslavewomanandaslavegirl.What’dtheywant?Therewasalwaysaslavereadytosell
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yousomething,butI’dneverseenonecomepeddlingtothebackgate.Ihatedtoshoothemoff.Theoldwomanwasbentandfrail-looking.Thegirlwasholdingherbythearm.
Iwalkedbackthere,steppingwithmycane,myfingersroundtherabbithead,feelinghowitwassmoothedtothegrainfromalltheyearsofholding.Thewomanand
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thegirldidn’ttaketheireyesoffme.Comingcloser,Inoticedtheirheadscarveswerethesamewashed-outred.Thewomanhadyellow-brownskin.Allofasudden,hereyesflaredwideandherchinstartedtoshake.Shesaid,“Handful.”
Icametoastop,lettingthesoundflutterthroughtheairandsettleoverme.ThenIdroppedthecaneandbroke
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intoarun,theclosestIcouldgettoone.Seeingmecome,theoldwomansanktotheground.Ididn’thaveakeyforthegate,justflewoverit,likecrossingthesky.Kneelingdown,Iscoopedherinmyarms.
Imust’vebeenshoutingcauseGoodiscamerunning,thenMinta,Phoebe,Aunt-Sister,andSabe.Irememberthempeeringoverthegateat
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us.Irememberthestrangegirlsaying,“IsyouHandful?”Andmeontheground,rockingthewomanlikeanewborn.
“SweetLordJesus,”Aunt-Sistersaid.“It’sCharlotte.”
Goodiscarriedmaumatothecellarroomandlaidheronthebed.Everybodycrowded
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inandstaredatherlikeshewasaspecter.Weweredeerinthewoods,frozetostillness,afraidtomove.Ifelthot,thebreathgonefromme.Mauma’slidsrolledbackandIsawthewhiteskinsofhereyeshadstartedtoyellowliketherestofher.Shelookedthinasthread.Herfacehadturnedtowrinklesandherhairhadgonesalt-white.She’ddisappeared
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fourteenyearsago,butshe’dagedthirty.
Thegirlhunkerednexttoheronthebedwithhereyesdartingfacetoface,herskindarkaschar.Shewasbig-boned,big-handed,big-footedwithaforeheadlikethefullmoon.Shelookedjustlikeherdaddy.Denmark’sgirl.
ItoldMinta,getawetrag.WhileIrubbedmauma’s
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face,shestartedtogroanandtwistherneck.SabehauledoffrunningtofetchmissusandNina,andbythetimetheyshowedup,mauma’seyeswerestartingtoopentotherightplace.
Thesmellofunwashedbodieshungroundthebed,makingmissusdrawbackandcoverhernose.“Charlotte,”shesaid,standingbackaways.“Isthatyou?Inever
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thoughtwewouldseeyouagain.Whereonearthhaveyoubeen?”
Maumaopenedhermouth,tryingtospeak,butherwordsscratchedintheairwithoutmuchsense.
“We’regladyou’reback,Charlotte,”Ninasaid.Maumablinkedatherlikeshedidn’thavethefirstinklingwhowassayingit.Ninamust’vebeensixorsevenwhenmauma
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disappeared.“Issheinherright
mind?”missusasked.Aunt-Sistersetherhands
onherhips.“She’swore-out.Whatsheneedisfoodandagoodlongrest.”ThenshesentPhoebeforthestewbroth.
Missusstudiedthegirl.“Who’sthis?”
Course,that’swhateverybodywantedtoknow.
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Thegirldrewupstraightandgavemissusalookthatcouldcutpaper.
“She’smysister,”Isaid.Theroomwentsilent.“Yoursister?”said
missus.“AsIliveandbreathe.WhatamIsupposedtodowithher?Icanbarelykeeptherestofyoufed.”
Ninatuggedhermothertowardthedoor.“Charlotteneedsrest.Letthemseeto
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her.”Whenthedoorclosed
behindthem,maumalookedupatmewithheroldsmile.Shehadabiguglyholewherehertwofrontteethusedtobe.Shesaid,“Handful,lookatyou.Justlookatyou.Mygirl,allgrown.”
“I’mthirty-threenow,mauma.”
“Allthattime—”Her
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eyeswateredup,thefirsttearsI’deverseenhershedinmylife.Ieaseddownonthebedbesideherandputmyfacetohers.
Shesaidlowagainstmyear,“Whathappentoyourleg?”
“Itookabadfall,”Iwhispered.
SabesenteverybodytotheirchoreswhileIfedmaumaspoonfulsofbroth
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andthegirlgulpedhersstraightfromthebowl.Theysleptsidebysidethroughtheafternoon.Timetotime,Aunt-Sisterstuckherheadinthedoorandsaid,“Yawlallright?”Shebroughtshortbread,castoroilboiledinmilk,andblanketsforafloorpalletthatIreckonedwouldbemybedforthenight.Shehelpedmeeaseofftheirshoeswithoutwakingthem,and
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whenshesawtheirfeetfesteredoverwithsores,sheleftsoapandabucketofwaterbythedoor.
Thegirlrousedonceandaskedforthechamberpot.Iledherouttotheprivyandwaited,watchingtheleavesontheoaktreedrop,thesoftwaytheyfloateddown.Mauma’shere.Thewonderofithadn’tbrokenthroughtomeyet,theneedtogodown
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onmyknees.Icouldn’tstopfeelingtheshockofwhatshelookedlike,andIwasworriedwhatmissusmightdo.She’dlookedatthemliketwobloodsuckersshewantedtothumpoffherskin.
Whenthegirlcameoutoftheprivybarefoot,Isaid,“Weneedtowashyourfeet.”
Shelookeddownatthemwithhermouthpartedandthepinktipofhertonguepoking
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out.Shecouldn’tbebutthirteen.Mysister.
Isatherdownonthethree-leggedstoolintheyardinthelastwarmspotfromthesun.Ibroughtthebucketandsoapoutsideandstuckherfeetinthewatertosoak.Isaid,“Howmanydaysdidyouandmaumawalktogethere?”
Shehadbarelyspokensincethismorningatthegate,
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andnowthebackwashofwordsrushedfromherlipsandwouldn’tstop.“Iain’tsure.Threeweeks.Couldbemore.WecomeallthewayfromBeaufort.MassaWilcoxplace.Wetravelbynight.Usethefootpathsthetraderstakeandstaytothecreeks.Inthedaytime,wehideinthefieldsandditches.Thisthefifthtimewerun,sowelearnwhich-a-waytogo.Mauma,
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sherubpepperandonionpeelonourshoesandlegstomuddlethedogs.Shesaythistimeweain’tgoingback,wegondietrying.”
“Waitnow.Youandmaumaranofffourtimesbeforethisandgotcaughteverytime?”
Shenoddedandlookedoffattheclouds.Shesaid,“OnetimewegettotheCombaheeRiver.Another
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timetotheEdisto.”Iliftedherfeetfromthe
bucketoneatatimeandrubbedthemwithsoapwhileshetalked,andthatwassomethingshelikedtodo—talk.
“Wecarryparchedcornanddriedyamswithus.Butthatrunout,soweeatpokeleavesandberries.Whateverwefind.Whenmauma’dgetwhereshecan’tgonomore,
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I’dputheronmybackandcarryher.I’dgoaways,thenrestandcarryhersomemore.Shesay,ifsomethinghappentome,keepontillyoufindHandful.”
Thethingsshetoldme.Howtheydrankfrompuddlesandlickeddropsoffsassafrasleaves,howtheyclimbedtreesintheswampandtiedthemselvestothelimbsandslept,howtheywanderedlost
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underthemoonandstars.Shesaidonetimeabuckruhcamebyinawagonanddidn’tseethemlayingrightbesidehiminaditch.Cametofindout,shespokeGullah,thelanguagetheslavesusedontheislands.She’dpickeditupnaturalfromtheplantationwomen.Ifshesawabird,she’dsay,there’sabidi.Aturtlewasacooter.Awhiteman,abuckruh.
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Idriedherfeetgoodinmylap.“Youdidn’ttellmeyourname.”
“ThemanwhoworkusinthericefieldcallmeJenny.Maumasaythatain’tnoname.Shesayourpeopleusetoflylikeblackbirds.ThedayIwasborn,shelookattheskyandthat’swhatshecallme.Sky.”
Thegirldidn’tlooklikehername.Shewaslikethe
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trunkofatree,likearockinafieldyouplowround,butIwasgladmaumahadgivenittoher.IheardGoodiscoughinginthestableandthehorsewhinny.WhenIstood,shepeeredupatmeandsaid,“Whenwewaslost,shetellmethestory’bouttheblackbirds,Idon’tknowhowmanytimes.”
Ismiledather.“Sheusedtotellmethatstory,too.”
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Mysisterwasn’tmuchtolookat,andtohearhertalk,you’dthinkshewastoosimpletolearn,butIfeltthetoughnessofmaumainsideherfromthestart.
Icameawakethatnightonthefloorpalletandmaumawasstandinginthemiddleoftheroomwithherbacktome,notmoving,gazingatthe
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high-upwindow.Thedarknesswastuckedroundher,butherkerchiefhadslippedoffandherhairwasshininglikefreshpolishsilver.Overonthemattress,Skywassnoringloudandpeaceful.Hearingmestir,maumaturnedroundandspreadopenherarmstome.Withoutmakingasound,Igotupandwenttoher.Iwalkedrightintoherarms.
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That’swhenshecamehometome.
ThenexttimeIwoke,earlylighthadsettledandmaumawassittingupinbed,lookingatherstoryquilt.She’dbeensleepingunderitallnightanddidn’tknowit.
Iwentoverandpattedherarm.“Iseweditalltogether.”
Thelasttimeshe’dseen
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thequilt,itwasajumble-pileofsquares.Someofthecolorhaddiedoutfromthem,butherstorywasallthere,puttogetherinonepiece.
“Yougoteverysquareintherightplace,”shesaid.“Idon’tknowhowyoudidthat.”
“Iwentbytheorderofwhathappenedtoyouisall.”
WhenPhoebeandAunt-Sisterbroughtbreakfast,
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maumawasstillhunchedoverthequilt,studyingeverystitch.Shetouchedthefigureonthelastsquare,theoneIknewtobeDenmark.ItpainedmetothinkImighthavetotellherwhathappenedtohim.
Theairintheroomhadturnedfrigidduringthenight,soIgotbathwaterfromthelaundryhousewherePhoebekeptitgoodandscalding.
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Skywentoverinthecornerandwashedherthickbody,whileIundidmauma’sdressbuttons.“Wegonnaburnthisdress,”Isaid,andmaumalaughedthebestsound.
ThepouchI’dmadeforherhungshriveledfromherneckwithanewstrapcutfromapieceofhide.Shepulleditoverherheadandhandedittome.“Ain’tmuchleftinitnow.”
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WhenIopenedit,amolderingsmelldriftedout.Diggingmyfingerinside,Ifeltoldleavesgroundtopowder.
MaumasatlowonthestoolwhileIpulledherarmsoutofthedresssleevesandletthetopdroptoherwaist,showingthegroovesbetweenherribsandherbreastsshrunkliketheneckpouch.Idippedtheraginthebasin,
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andwhenIsteppedroundtowashherback,shestiffedup.Shehadwhipscarsgnarledliketreerootsfromthetopofherbackdowntoherwaist.Onherrightshoulder,she’dbeenbrandedwiththeletterW.IttookmeaminutebeforeIcouldtouchallthatachingsadness.
WhenIfinallysetherfeetinthebasin,Iasked,“Whathappenedtoyourteeth?”
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“Theyfelloutoneday,”shesaid.
Skymadeasoundlikehmmmf.Shesaid,“Moreliketheygotknockedout.”
“Youdon’tneedtobetalking,youtelltoomanytales,”maumatoldher.
ThetruthwasSkywouldtellmoretalesthanmaumaeverknew.Beforetheweekwasout,she’dtellmehowmaumasetloosemischiefon
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theplantationeverychanceshegot.Themoretheywhippedmauma,themoreholesshe’dcutinthericesacks.Shebrokethings,stolethings,hidthings.Buriedthethreshingsicklesinthewoods,choppeddownfences,onetimesetfiretotheoverseer’sprivyhouse.
Overinthecorner,Skywouldn’tletgoofthestoryaboutmauma’steeth.“It
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happenthesecondtimewerun.Theoverseersay,ifshedoitagain,shebeeasytospotwithherteethgone.Hetookahammer—”
“Hushup!”maumacried.Isquatteddownand
staredherintheeyes.“Don’tyouspareme.I’veseenmyshare.Iknowwhattheworldis.”
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SarahIsraelcametocallonmewearingashort,freshlygrownQuakerbeard.WewereseatedsidebysideonthedivanintheMotts’parlor,andhestrokedthewhiskersconstantlyashetalkedaboutthecostofwholesalewoolandthemarvelsofthe
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weather.Thebeardwasthickasvelvetbrush-fringeandpepperedwithgray.Helookedhandsomer,sager,likeanewincarnationofhimself.
WhenI’dreturnedtoPhiladelphiaaftermydisastrousattempttoresumelifeinCharleston,I’drentedaroominthehomeofLucretiaMott,determinedtomakesomekindoflifeformyself,andIsupposeI’ddonethat.
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Twiceweekly,ItraveledtoGreenHilltotutorBecky,thoughmyoldfoe,Catherine,hadrecentlyinformedmethatmylittleprotégéewouldbegoingawaytoschoolnextyearandmytutoringwouldendatthefirstofthesummer.IfIwastostayuseful,IwouldhavetoseekoutanotherQuakerfamilyinneedofateacher,butasyet,Ihadn’tmadetheeffort.
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Catherinewaskindertomenow,thoughshestilldrewherselfuptightasabudwhenshesawIsraelsmileatmeatMeeting,somethingheneverfailedtodo.Nordidhefailinhisvisitstome,comingtwiceeachmonthtocallonmeintheMotts’parlor.
Ilookedathimnowandwonderedhowwe’dgottenourselvesstrandedonthisendlessplateauoffriendship.
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Oneheardallsortsofrumorsaboutit.ThatIsrael’stwoeldestsonsopposedhisremarriage,notongeneralprinciple,mindyou,butspecificallytome.Thathe’dpromisedRebeccaonherdeathbedhewouldlovenoonebuther.Thatsomeoftheeldershadcounseledhimagainsttakingawifeforreasonsthatrangedfromhisunreadinesstomy
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unprovenness.Iwasnot,afterall,abirthrightQuaker.InCharleston,itwasbeingbornintotheplanterclassthatmattered,hereitwastheQuakers.Somethingswerethesameeverywhere.“You’rethemostpatientofwomen,”Israelhadtoldmeonce.Itdidn’tstrikemeasmuchofavirtue.
Today,exceptforthenewnessofhisbeard,Israel’s
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visitgraduallybegantoseemlikealltherest.Itwiddledwithmynapkinashetalkedaboutmerinosheepfarmsandwooldyes.Therewastheclinkofteacupswhenthesilencecame,children’svoicesoverheadmingledwithracingfootstepsoncreakingfloors,andthen,abruptly,withoutpreface,heannounced,“MysonIsraelisgettingmarried.”
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Thewayhesaidit,quietandapologetic,embarrassedme.
“...Israel?...LittleIsrael?”
“He’snotsolittlenow.He’stwenty-two.”Hesighed,asifsomethinghadpassedhimby,andIwonderedabsurdlyiftherewasaQuakerlawforbiddingfatherstomarryaftertheirsons.Iwonderedifthebeardwasnot
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somuchanewincarnationasaconcession.
Whenitwastimetosaygoodbye,hetookmyhandandpresseditagainstthedarkwhorlsofhaironhischeek.Heclosedhiseyes,andwhenheopenedthem,Ifelthewasabouttosaysomething.Iliftedmybrows.Butthen,releasingmyhand,herosefromthedivanandwhatevererrantthoughthadwriggled
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fromhisheartreturnedtoit,repentantandundeclared.
Hewalkeduncertainlytothedoorandlethimselfout,whileIremainedseated,seeingthingswithterribleclarity:thepassivity,thehesitationaboutthefuture.NotIsrael’s—mine.
AsLucretiaandIsatinthetinyroomshecalledastudio,
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winterrainprickedthewindowpane,turningtoice.We’dpulledourchairsclosetothehearthwherethefirewassnappingandpopping,zinginglikeharpstrings.Lucretiawasopeningasmallpacketofmailthathadarrivedintheafternoon.IwasreadingaSirWalterScottnovelbannedbytheQuakers,whichsomehowmadeitallthemoreenjoyable,butnow,
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drowsywithheat,Iloweredthebookandstaredintotheflames.
Itwasmyfavoritepartoftheday—afterthechildrenwereputtobedandLucretia’shusband,James,hadretiredtohisstudy,anditwasjustthetwoofusgatheredhereinheroddlittlenookofaroom.Astudio.Itwascomprisedofnothingmorethantwostuffedchairs,
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alargeleafedtable,afireplace,wallshelves,andawidewindowthatlookedoutoveracopseofredmulberriesandblackoaksbehindthehouse.Theroomwasnotforcookingorsewingorchildcareorentertaining.Scatteredwithpapersandpamphlets,booksandcorrespondence,artpalettesandsquaresofvelvetclothonwhichshepinnedthe
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brightlunamothsshefoundlifelessinthegarden,thisroomwasjustforher.
Idon’tknowhowmanyeveningswe’dspentinheretalking,orliketonight,sittingquietlyliketwosolitudes.LucretiaandIhadformedabondthatwentbeyondfriends.AndyetIfeltthedifferencebetweenus.InoticeditatMeetingswhenIsawherontheFacingbench,
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theonlyfemaleministeramongallthosemen,thewaysheroseandspokewithsuchfearlessbeauty,andeverymorningwhenIwentdownstairsandtherewereherchildrenstickywithoatgruel.Iwouldgetafaintlyvacuousfeelinginthepitofmystomach,notfromenvythatshehadaprofession,ortheselittleones,orevenJames,whowasnotlikeothermen,
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butofsomeunknownspecies,ahusbandwhobeamedoverherprofessionandmadetheoatgruelhimself.No,itwasn’tthat.ItwasthebelongingIenvied.She’dfoundherbelonging.
“Why,thisletterisforyou,”Lucretiasaid,thrustingittowardme.ItwasNina’sstationery,butnotNina’sscript.Thehandwritingonthefrontwaschildlikeandcrude.
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MissSarahGrimké.
DearSarahMauma’sback.Nina
saidIcouldwriteyoumyselfwiththenews.Sheranawayfromtheplantationwhereshe’dbeenkeptallthistime.Youshouldseeher.ShehasscarsandafullheadofwhitehairandlooksoldasMethusal,
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butshe’sthesameinside.Inurseherdayandnight.ShebroughtmysisterwithhernamedSky.Iknowthat’ssomename.Itcomesfrommaumaandherlongings.Shealwayssaidonedaywe’dflylikeblackbirds.Missusstaysmadat
Ninamostallthetime.Ninastartedsome
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troublesatthepresbyterrychurchwhereshegoes.Somemancamelastweektopunishheronsomethingshesaid.MaumaandSkyaretheonebrighthope.Ithastakentoolong
towritethis.Forgivemymistakes.Idon’tgettoreadanymoreandworkonmywords.One
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dayIwill.Handful
“Ihopeitisn’tbadnews,”Lucretiasaid,studyingmyface,whichmust’vebeenaconfusionofelationandheart-wrench.
Ireadtheletteraloudtoher.Ihadn’tspokenmuchabouttheslavesmyfamilyheld,butIhadtoldheraboutHandful.Shereachedover
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andpattedmyhand.Wefellquietastheice
turnedbacktorain,cominginadark,drowningwashonthewindow.IclosedmyeyesandtriedtoimaginethereunionbetweenHandfulandhermother.ThesisternamedSky.Charlotte’sscarsandwhitehair.
“...WhywouldGodplantsuchdeepyearningsinus...iftheyonlycometo
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nothing?”Itwasmoreofasighthanaquestion.IwasthinkingofCharlotteandherlongingtobefree,butasthewordsleftmymouth,IknewIwasthinkingofmyself,too.
Ihadn’treallyexpectedLucretiatorespond,butafteramoment,shespoke.“Godfillsuswithallsortsofyearningsthatgoagainstthegrainoftheworld—butthefactthoseyearningsoften
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cometonothing,well,Idoubtthat’sGod’sdoing.”Shecuthereyesatmeandsmiled.“Ithinkweknowthat’smen’sdoing.”
Sheleanedtowardme.“Lifeisarrangedagainstus,Sarah.Andit’sbrutallyworseforHandfulandhermotherandsister.We’reallyearningforawedgeofsky,aren’twe?IsuspectGodplantstheseyearningsinussowe’ll
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atleasttryandchangethecourseofthings.Wemusttry,that’sall.”
IfeltherwordstearaholeinthelifeI’dmade.Anirreparablehole.
IstartedtotellherthatasachildI’dyearnedfortheentirefirmament.Foraprofessioncompletelyuntriedamongwomen.Ididn’twanthertothinkI’dalwaysbeencontenttobeatutorwhenI
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hadlittlepassionforit,butIpushedtheconfessionaside.EvenNinadidn’tknowaboutmyaspirationtobealawyer,howit’dendedinhumiliation.
“...Butyoudidmorethantrytobecomeaminister...Youaccomplishedit...I’veoftenwonderedwhetheronemustfeelaspecialcallfromGodtoundertakethat.”
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QuakerministerswerenothingliketheAnglicanorPresbyterianclergyIwasusedto.Theydidn’tstandbehindapulpitandpreachsermons:theyspokeduringtheSilenceasinspiredbyGod.Anyonecouldspeak,ofcourse,buttheministerswerethemostverbal,theoneswhoofferedmessagesforworship,theoneswhosevoicesseemedsetapart.
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Shepushedatthemessybuncoiledatherneck.“Ican’tsaythecallIfeltwasspecial.Iwantedtohaveasayinthings,that’swhatitcamedownto.Iwantedtospeakmyconscienceandtohaveitmatter.Surely,Godcallsusalltothat.”
“...Doyouthink...IcouldbecomeaQuakerminister?”Thewordshadbeentuckedinsideofmefor
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alongtime,perhapssincethemomentontheshipwhenIfirstmetIsraelandhetoldmefemaleministersactuallyexisted.
“SarahGrimké,you’rethemostintelligentpersonIknow.Ofcourseyoucould.”
Proppedinbed,wearingmywarmestwoolengown,myhairloosed,Ibentoverthe
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bed-deskandpewterinkstandI’drecentlyindulgedinbuyingandtriedtoanswerHandful’sletter.
19January1827DearHandful,Whatjoyousnews!
Charlotteisback!Youhaveasister!
Iloweredthepenandstaredattheprocessionof
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exclamations.Isoundedlikeachirpingbird.Itwasmyfifthattemptatabeginning.
Strewnaboutmeonthebedwerecrumpledballsofpaper.Howhappyyoumustbenow,I’dwrittenfirst,thenworriedshemightthinkIwasimplyingallhermiserieswereovernow.Next:Iwaseuphorictoreceiveyournews,butwhatifshedidn’tknowthewordeuphoric?I
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couldn’twriteasinglelinewithoutfearofseeminginsensitiveorcondescending,tooremovedortoofamiliar.Irememberedus,asIalwaysdid,ontheroofdrinkingtea,butthatwasgoneanditwasallballed-uppapernow.
Ipickedupthesheetofstationerywiththeglibexclamationsandcrusheditinmyhands.Asmearofinklickedacrossmypalm.
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HoldingmyhandaloftfromLucretia’swhiteeiderdown,Iliftedthebed-deskfromacrossmylegsandwenttothebasin.Whensoapfailedtoremovethestain,Irummagedinthedresserdrawerforthecreamoftartar,andthere,lyingbesidethebottle,wastheblacklavaboxcontainingmysilverfleurdelisbutton.Iopeneditandgazeddownatthebutton.It
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wasdarklysilvered,likesomethingpearlingupfrombeneaththewater.
Thebuttonhadbeenthemostconstantobjectinmylife.I’dthrownitawaythatonce,butit’dcomebacktome.IcouldthankHandfulforthat.
Ireturnedtothewarmthofthebedandplacedthebuttononthebed-desk,watchingthelamplightspill
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overit.Ilaybackonthepillow,rememberingmyeleventhbirthdaypartyatwhichHandfulhadbeenpresentedtome,howI’dwokenthenextdaywiththeoverpoweringsenseIwasmeanttodosomethingintheworld,somethinglarge,largerthanmyself.Ibrushedmyfingeracrossthebutton.Ithadalwaysheldthisknowingforme.
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Intheroom,everythingmagnified:cindersdroppingonthehearth,atinyscratchingatthebaseboard,thesmellofink,theetchofthefleurdelisonthebutton.
Itookacleansheetofstationery.
19January1827DearHandful,Myheartisfull.Itry
toimagineyouwith
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Charlotteandanewsister,andIcan’tdreamwhatyoumustfeel.I’mhappyforyou.Atthesametime,I’msadtoknowofthescarsyourmotherbears,allthehorrorsshemusthavelivedthrough.ButIwon’tfocusonthatnow,onlyonyourtogetherness.Didyouknowonce,
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whenweweregirls,CharlottemademevowthatonedayIwoulddowhateverIcouldtohelpyougetfree?Wewereoutbythewoodpilewherethelittleorphanedbarnowllived.Irememberitlikeyesterday.Iconfessnow,that’swhyItaughtyoutoread.Itoldmyselfreadingwas
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akindoffreedom,theonlyoneIcouldgive.I’msorry,Handful.I’msorryIcouldn’tkeepthevowanybetter.Istillhavethesilver
buttonyourescuedafterItosseditout.AsIwriteyounow,itsitsbesidetheinkwell,remindingmeofthedestinyIalwaysbelievedwasinsideof
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me,waiting.HowcanIexplainsuchathing?IsimplyknowitthewayIknowthere’sanoaktreeinsideanacorn.I’vebeenfilledwithahungertogrowthisseedmywholelife.IusedtothinkIwassupposedtobecomealawyer,perhapsbecausethat’swhatFatherandThomasdid,
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butitwasneverthat.Thesedays,IfeelinspiredtobecomeaQuakerminister.DoingsowillatleastprovidemeawaytodowhatItriedtodoonmyeleventhbirthday,thatdayyouwerecruellygiventometoown.ItwillallowmetotellwhoevermightlistenthatIcan’tacceptthis,
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thatwecan’tacceptslavery,itmustend.That’swhatIwasbornfor—nottheministry,notthelaw,butabolition.I’vecometoknowitonlythisnight,butithasalwaysbeenthetreeintheacorn.TellyourmotherI’m
gladshehasfoundyouagain.Greetyoursisterforme.I’vefailedin
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manythings,eveninmyloveforyou,butIthinkofyouasmyfriend.
Sarah
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HandfulThatwintermaumasatidlebythefireinthekitchenhouse.Shegotalittleweightbackonher,butsometimesshehadspellswhenshecouldn’tkeepdownherfoodandwe’dbebackwherewestarted.Maumasaideverytimeshesawme,Iwas
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comingatherwithapieceofbiscuit.
Wehadplentyofvacantslavequarters,butthethreeofusstayedontogetherinthecellarroom.Goodisbroughtinalittlebedfromthenursery,andwewedgeditbesidethebigbedandsleptthreepeasinapodunderneaththequiltframe.Skyaskedonetimewhatwasallthatwoodnailedonthe
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ceiling,andIsaid,“Youneversawaquiltframe?”andmaumasaid,“Well,youain’tneverseenaricefield,soyawleven.”
Maumastillwouldn’ttalkaboutwhat’dhappenedtoher.She’dsay,“What’sdone’sdone.”Mostnights,though,she’dwakeupandpacetheroom,anditdidn’tseemdoneatall.Irealizedthebestcuringthingforher
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wasaneedle,athread,andapieceofcloth.Oneday,ItoldherIneededsomehelpandhandedherthemendingbasket.WhenIcameback,theneedlewasahummingbirdinherfingers.
ThehardestpartwasfindingworkforSky.Shecouldn’tdothelaundrytosaveherlife.IgotSabetotryherinthehousecleaningandservingteawithmeand
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Minta,butmissussaidshedidn’tlookthepart,andputofftheguests.Afterthat,shewenttoworkinthekitchenhouse,butshedroveAunt-Sistercrazywithherchatter,storiesaboutrabbitsout-trickingfoxesandbears.Sheusuallyendedupontheporch,singinginGullah.Efoonaentknowehoonadagwuine,oonashouldknowehoonadumfrom.Thatsame
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song,overandover.Ifyoudon’tknowwhereyou’regoing,youshouldknowwhereyoucamefrom.
Onemorningonthetailendofwinter,theknockerclackedonthefrontdoorandincameMr.Huger,thesolicitor,stompingthecoldoffhisfeet.HehandedmehishatwhileSabewenttoget
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missus.IfoundNinainherroom,
readyingfortheclassshetaughtatchurch.Isaid,“Quick,youneedtocomeseewhatyourmauma’supto.Mr.Huger’sdownthere—”
SheflewfromtheroombeforeIcouldfinishoffthesentence.
Idawdledoutsidethecloseddrawingroomdoors,butIcouldn’tmakeoutmuch
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theyweresaying—justpassingwords.Pension...Bank...Cottoncrash...Sacrifice.Theclockbongedtentimes.Thesoundfilledthehouse,turningitheavy,andwhenitstopped,Iheardmissussaythewordsky.MaybeshewastalkingabouttheblueroofthathungovertheworldbutIknewitwasmysister.
Iflattenedmyeartothe
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door.LetSabefindmeandchasemeoff,Icouldn’tcare.
“She’sthirteenyearsold,withoutanyperceivabledomesticskills,butshe’sstrong.”Thatwasmissustalking.
Mr.Hugermumbledaboutgoingrates,sellinginthespringwhentheplantingstartedontheplantations.
“Youcan’tseparateSkyfromhermother,”Ninacried.
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“It’sinhuman!”“Idon’tcareforiteither,”
missussaid.“Butwemustfacereality.”
Mybreathclutchedatmyribslikegrabbinghands.Iclosedmyeyes,tiredofthesorryworld.
WhenIfoundmaumainthekitchenhouse,shewasalonewiththemendingbasket.Isankbesideher.“MissusplanstosellSkyin
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thespring.Wegottofindawayforhertoearnherkeep.”
“Sell?”Shelookedatmewithstun,thenpinchedhereyes.“Weain’tcomethisfarsoshecansellmygirl.That’sfordamnsure.”
“TheremustbesomethingintheworldSky’sgoodatdoing.”ThewayIsaidit,likemysisterwasslowinthehead,causedmaumatoflareatme.
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“Don’tyoutalklikethat!YoursisterhasthesmartofDenmarkinher.”Sheshookherhead.“He’sherdaddy,butIguessyoufigurethat.”
“Yeah,Ifigured.”Itseemedlikethetimetofinallytellher.“Denmark,he—”
“Thereain’taslavelivingwhodon’tknowwhathappentohim.WehearditallthewaytoBeaufort.”
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Ididn’ttellherI’dwatchedhimdangleonthetree,butItoldhereverythingelse.Istartedwiththechurchwherewe’dsungJericho.ItoldherabouttheWorkHouse,fallingoffthetreadmillandcripplingmyfoot.ItoldherthewayDenmarktookmeinandcalledmedaughter.“Istoleabulletmoldforthatman,”Isaid.
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Shepushedherfingershardagainsthereyelids,tryingtokeepthemfromspillingover.Whensheopenedthem,therewasamapinhereyesofbrokenredlines.
“Skyaskmeonetimewhoherdaddyis,”shesaid.“ItoldherhewasafreeblackinCharleston,buthe’sdead.That’sallsheknow.”
“Howcomeyoudon’ttell
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her?”“Sky’sgotachild’sway
oftalkingoutofturn.Theminuteyoutellher’boutDenmark,she’lltellhalftheworld.Thatain’tgonhelpher.”
“Sheneedstoknowabouthim.”
“Whatsheneedistokeepfromgettingsold.Thethingsheknowbestisthericefields.Puthertoworkinthe
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yard.”
Skytooktheornamentgardenandbroughtitbacktoitsglory.Itcamenaturaltoher—howdeeptoburythejonquilbulbs,whentocutbacktheroses,howtotrimthehedgestomatchthedrawingsinabookNinashowedher.WhenSkyplantedthevegetables,she
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shoveledhorseshitfromthestableandmixeditinthedirt.Shedugstraightfurrowsfortheseedsandcoveredthemwithherbarefootlikeshe’ddonewiththerice.ShesangGullahsongstotheplantswhenshehoed.Whenthebeetlescame,shepickedthemoffwithherfingers.
Wouldn’tyouknow,thecrooknecksquashcameupthesizeofdrinkinggourds.
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Theheadsonthepeonieswerebigpinksoupbowls.Evenmissuscameoutspecialtoseethem.Assoonasthejonquilscameupandturnedtheairchokingsweet,shethrewagardenteaforherfriendsthatleftthemsufferingwithenvy.
Summercame,andSkywasstillwithus.
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“Whereyoukeepthescrapcloth?”maumasaid.Shewasrummagingthroughthelacquersewingtableinthecornerofthecellarroom.Therewasabasketonthefloorbesideherfeetheapedwithspindlesofthread,needlebags,pins,shears,andameasuretape.
“Scrapcloth?Thesameplaceitalwayswas.Inthepatchbag.”
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Shereachedforit.“Yougotsomeredandbrowncottoninhere?”
“Alwaysgotredandbrowncotton.”
Ifollowedhertothespirittree,wherethecrowshidupinthebranches.ShesatonAunt-Sister’soldfish-scalingstoolwithherbackagainstthetrunkandwenttowork.Shecutaredsquare,thentooktheshearstothebrown
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clothandclippedtheshapeofawagon.
Isaid,“IsthatthewagontheGuardhauledyouoffinthedayyoudisappeared?”
Shesmiled.Shewaspickingupwith
therestofherstory.Shewouldn’tsaywhathappenedtoherwithwords.Shewouldtellitinthecloth.
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SarahWhenautumncame,LucretiaandIattendedthewomen’smeetingatArchStreetwherewefoundourselvesstandinginacrowdedvestibulebesideJaneBettleman,whoglaredpointedlyatthefleurdelisbuttonI’dsewedatthethroatofmygraydress.Granted,
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thebuttonwasornateandexpensive,anditwaslarge,thesizeofabrooch.I’dfreshlypolishedthesilver,sothereinthebright-litatrium,itwasshininglikeasmallsun.
Reachingup,Itouchedtheengravedlily,thenturnedtoLucretiaandwhispered,“MybuttonhasoffendedMrs.Bettleman.”
Shewhisperedback,
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“SinceyoukeepMr.Bettlemanupsetagreatamountofthetime,itseemsonlyfairyoushoulddothesameforhiswife.”
Isuppressedasmile.Arguablythemost
powerfulfigureatArchStreet,SamuelBettlemancriticizedLucretiaandmeonaweeklybasis.Duringthepastfewmonths,thetwoofushadspokenoutfrequently
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inMeetingsontheanti-slaverycause,andafterwardhewoulddescendonus,callingourmessagesdivisive.Noneofourmembersfavoredslavery,ofcourse,butmanywerealooftothecause,andtheydiffered,too,onhowquicklyemancipationshouldbeaccomplished.EvenIsraelwasagradualist,believingslaveryshouldbedismantledslowlyovertime.Butwhat
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mostrankledMr.Bettlemanandothersinthemeetingwasthatwomenspokeaboutit.“Aslongaswetalkaboutbeinggoodhelpmatestoourhusbands,it’swellandgood,”Lucretiahadtoldmeonce,“butthemomentweveerintosocialmatters,orGodforbid,politics,theywanttosilenceuslikechildren!”
Shegavemecourage,
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Lucretiadid.“MissGrimké,Mrs.Mott,
howarethee?”avoicesaid.Mrs.Bettlemanwasatmyelbow,hereyesflickeringovermyextravagantbutton.
Beforewecouldreturnthegreeting,shesaid,“That’sanunusuallydecorativeitematyourcollar.”
“...Itrustyoulikeit?”Ithinksheexpectedmeto
beapologetic.Sherolledup
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herpalewhitelips,bringingtomindtheflutededgesofacallalily.“Well,itcertainlymatchesthisnewpersonalityofyours.You’vebeenveryoutspokeninMeetingslately.”
“...IonlytrytospeakasGodwouldpromptme,”Isaid,whichwasfarmorepiousthantrue.
“Itiscurious,though,thatGodpromptsyoutospeak
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againstslaverysomuchofthetime.Ihopeyou’llreceivewhatI’mabouttosayforyourownedification,buttomanyofusitappearsyou’vebecomeoverlyabsorbedbythecause.”
UndauntedevenbyLucretia,whotookastepclosertomyside,Mrs.Bettlemancontinued.“Therearethoseofuswhobelievethetimeforactionhasnotyet
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come.”Angersearedthroughme.
“...You,whoknownothingofslavery...nothingatall,youpresumetosaythetimehasnotcome?”
Myvoicesailedacrossthevestibule,causingthewomentoceasetheirconversationsandturninourdirection.Mrs.Bettlemancaughtherbreath—butIwasn’tfinished.“Ifyouwere
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aslavetoilinginthefieldsinCarolina...Isuspectyouwouldthinkthetimehadfullycome.”
Sheturnedonherheelandstrodeaway,leavingLucretiaandmetheobjectofshocked,silentstares.
“Ineedtofindsomeair,”Isaidcalmly,andwewalkedfromthemeetinghouseontothestreet.Wekeptwalkingpastthesimplebrickhouses
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andcharcoalvendorsandfruitpeddlers,allthewaytoCamdenFerrySlip.Westrolledpasttheferryhouseontothequay,whichbrimmedwithpassengersarrivingfromNewJersey.Atthefarendofthedock,aflockofwhitegullsstoodontheweatheredplanks,facingthewind.WestoppedshortofthemandstaredattheDelawareRiver,holdingon
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toourbonnets.Lookingdown,Isawthat
myhandswereshaking.Lucretiasawit,too.Shesaid,“Youwon’tlookoveryourshoulder,willyou?”Shewasreferringtothealtercation,totheterribleinclinationwewomensometimeshadtoscurrybacktosafety.
“No,”Itoldher.“Iwon’tlookback.”
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16February1828DearBelovedSister,Youarethefirstand
onlytoknow:I’velostmyhearttoReverendWilliamMcDowellofThirdPresbyterianChurch.He’sreferredtoinCharlestonasthe“young,handsome,ministerfromNewJersey.”He’sbarelypastthirty,andhisface
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islikethatofApollointhelittlepaintingthatusedtohanginyourroom.HecameherefromMorristownwhenhishealthforcedhimtoseekamilderclimate.Oh,Sister,hehasthestrongestreservationsaboutslavery!Lastsummer,he
enlistedmetoteachthechildreninSabbath
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School,ajobIhappilydoeachweek.IonceremarkedontheevilofslaveryduringclassandreceivedacautionaryvisitfromDr.McIntire,theSuperintendent,andyoushould’veseenthewayWilliamcametomydefense.Afterward,headvisedmethatwhenitcomesto
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slavery,wemustprayandwait.I’mnogoodateither.Hecallsonme
weekly,duringwhichwehavediscussionsabouttheologyandchurchandthestateoftheworld.Heneverdepartswithouttakingmyhandandpraying.Iopenmyeyesandwatchashecreaseshis
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browandmakeshiseloquentpleas.IfGodhastheslightestnotionofhowitfeelstobeenamored,he’llforgiveme.Idon’tyetknow
William’sintentionstowardme,butIbelievehereciprocatesmyown.Behappyforme.
Yours,
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Nina
WhenNina’sletterarrived,IcarriedittothebenchbeneatharedelmintheMotts’tinybackyard.ItwasawarmdayforMarch.Thecrocuseswerebreakingthroughthewintercrustandthegrasshoppersandbirdswereoutmakingarapturouscommotion.
Aftertuckingasmallquilt
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overmyknees,Iarrangedmynewspectaclesontotheendofmynose.Lately,wordshadbeguntotransformthemselvesintoblurredsquiggles.IthoughtI’druinedmyeyesfromexcessivereading—I’dbeenunrelentinginmystudiesfortheministryoverthepastyear—butthephysicianI’dconsultedascribedtheproblemtomiddleage.Islit
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theletter,thinking,Nina,ifyoucouldseemenowwithmyold-ladylapthrowandmyspectacles,youwouldthinkmeseventyinsteadofhalfthat.
IreadaboutherReverendMcDowellwithwhatIimaginedtobeamother’ssatisfactionandworries.Iwonderedifhewasworthyofher.IwonderedwhatMotherthoughtofhim,andifIwould
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returntoCharlestonforthewedding.IwonderedwhatkindofclergywifeNinawouldmakeandiftheReverendhadanyideawhatsortofPandora’sboxhewasabouttoopen.
ItwillalwaysbeaquirkoffatethatIsraelarrivedatthisparticularmoment.IwasfoldingtheletterintomypocketwhenIlookedupandsawhimcomingtowardme
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withouthiscoatorhat.Itwasthemiddleoftheafternoon.
He’dnevermentionedtheepisodewithJaneBettleman.Heundoubtedlyknewofit.EveryoneatArchStreetknewofit.IthaddividedthemembersintothosewhothoughtIwashaughtyandbrazenandthosewhothoughtImerelyimpassionedandprecipitate.Iassumedhewasamongthelatter.
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Ashetookaseatbesideme,hiskneepressedagainstmylegandatinyheatmovedacrossmychest.Hestillhadhisbeard.Itwaswell-clipped,butlongerwithmoresilver.Ihadn’tseenhiminweeksexceptatMeeting.There’dbeennoexplanationforhisabsence.I’dtoldmyselfitwastheinevitablewayofthings.
Iremovedmyglasses.
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“...Israel...thisisunexpected.”
Therewasanexigencyabouthim.Ifeltitlikeadisturbanceintheair.
“I’vewantedtospeaktoyouforsometime,butI’veresisted.IworriedhowyoumightreceivewhatIhavetosay.”
Surelythiswasn’taboutthehubbubwithMrs.Bettleman.Thathadbeen
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monthsago.“...Istheresome
difficultnews?”Iasked.“Iimaginethiswillseem
abrupt,Sarah,butI’vecomedeterminedtospeakandletthingsfallorstandastheywill.Forfiveyearsnow,I’vestruggledwithmyfeelingsconcerningyou.”
Ifeltmybreathsuddenlyleaveme.Helookedofftowardthebare-bonetreesat
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theperimeteroftheyard.“I’vegrievedRebecca,perhapstoolong.Itbecameahabit,grievingher.I’vebeenenthralledtohermemorytotheexclusionoftoomanythings.”
Hebowedhishead.Iwantedtoreassurehimitwasallright,butithadneverbeenallright,andIremainedquiet.
“I’vecometosayI’m
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sorry,”hesaid.“ItseemedunfairtoaskyoutobemywifewhenIfeltsotiedtoher.”
Itwasanapologythen,notaproposal.“...Youdon’tneedtoapologize.”
HewentonasifI’dsaidnothing.“Someweeksago,Idreamedofher.Shecametome,holdingthelocket,theoneBeckyinsistedyouwearthattime.Sheplaceditinmy
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hand.WhenIwoke,itfeltasifshe’dreleasedme.”
I’dbeenstaringmiserablyatmyhands,butIgazedupathim,awareofhowpalpablethewordreleasedhadbeeninhisvoice,howthemomentwasrearrangingitself.
“YoumustknowIcaredeeplyforyou,”hesaid.“Amanisnotmeanttobealone.Thechildrenaregrowing,buttheyoungeronesstillneeda
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mother,andGreenHillisinneedofamistress.Catherinehasexpressedawishtomovebacktoherhouseintown.I’msayingitpoorly.I’masking—I’mhopingyou’llbemywife.”
I’dimaginedthismoment:Iwouldfeelanoutpouringofjoy.Iwouldclosemyeyesandknowthatmylifehadtrulybegun.Iwouldsay,DearestIsrael,
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yes.Everythingintheworldwouldbeyes.
Itwasnotlikethat.WhatIfeltwasquietandstrange.Itwashappinessdefiledbyfear.ForanimperishableminuteIcouldn’tspeak.
Mysilencedistressedhim.“Sarah?”hesaid.
“...Iwanttosayyes...andyet,asyouknow,I’vesetmycourseforavocation.Theministry...WhatImeanto
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sayis...couldIbeyourwifeandaminister?”
Hiseyeswidened.“Ihadn’timaginedyouwouldwanttocontinuewithyourambitionafterwemarried.Wouldyoureallywantthat?”
“Iwould.Withallmyheart.”
Hisfacefurrowed.“Forgiveme,Ionlythoughtyouchoseitbecauseyou’dgivenuponme.”
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Hethoughtmyambitionwasaconsolation?Reflexively,Istoodandtookafewsteps.
IthoughtoftheknowingthathadcometomeaboutmymissiononthenightIwrotetoHandful.Itwaspureasthevoicethathadbroughtmenorth.WhenI’dsewedthebuttononmydress,Iknewitcouldn’tbeundone.
Iturnedbacktohimand
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sawhewasonhisfeet,waiting.“Ican’tbeRebecca,Israel.Herwholelifewasforyouandthechildren,andIwouldloveyounolessthanshedid,butI’mnotlikeher.TherearethingsImustdo.Please,Israel,don’tmakemechoose.”
Hetookmyhandsandkissedthem,firstone,thentheother,anditcametomethatI’dspokenoflove,buthe
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hadnot.He’dspokenofcaring,ofneed—his,thechildren’s,GreenHill’s.
“Wouldn’tI,wouldn’twebeenoughforyou?”hesaid.“Youwouldbeawonderfulwifeandthebestofmothers.Wewouldseetoitthatyounevermissedyourambition.”
Itwashiswayoftellingme.Icouldnothavehimandmyselfboth.
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HandfulIspreadapalletunderthetreeandsetmysewingbasketonit.Missushaddecidedsheneedednewcurtainsandcoversforthedrawingroom,whichwasthelastthingsheneeded,butitgavemeareasontocomeouthereandsewwithmauma.
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Shesatunderthetreeeveryday,workingherstoryontothequilt.Evenifitdrizzled,Icouldn’tbudgeher—shewaslikeGodmendingtheworld.Whenshecametobedatnight,shebroughtthetreewithher.Thesmellofbarkandwhitemushrooms.Crumbsfromtheearthalloverthemattress.
Winterhadpackedandgone.Theleaveshad
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wriggledoutonthetreebranchesandthegoldtasselswerefallingfromthelimbslikesheddingfur.Settlingonthepalletnexttomauma,IwonderedaboutSarahupnorth,ifherpalefaceeversawthesun.She’dwrittenmeawhileback,firstletterIevergot.Icarrieditinmypocketmostofthetime.
Thomas’wifehadgivenmissusabrassbirdthat
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fastenedclothinitsbeak,whattheycalledasewbird.IstuckoneendofthecurtainpanelinitsmouthwhileImeasuredandcut.Maumawascuttingouttheappliquéofamanholdingabrandingironinthefire.
“Who’stheman?”Isaid.“That’smassaWilcox,”
shesaid.“Hebrandmethefirsttimewerunoff.Skywas’boutseventhen—Ihadto
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waitonhertogetoldenoughtotravel.”
“Skysaidyawlranfourtimes.”
“Werunthenextyearwhenshe’seight,andthenwhenshe’snine,andthattimetheywhipher,too,soIstoptrying.”
“Howcomeyoutriedthislasttimethen?”
“WhenIfirstgetthere,beforeSkywasborn,massa
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Wilcoxcomedowntoseeme.Everybodyknowwhathewant,too.Whenheputhishandonme,Itakeascoopofredcoalsoffthefireandtoss’em.Burntheman’sarmcleanthroughhisshirt.Igotmyfirstwhipping,butit’sthelasttimehetrythatwithme.WhenSkyturnthirteenlastyear,herehecomeback,sniffingroundher.Itellher,weleaving,andthistimewe
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gondietrying.”Icouldn’tmeasurewords
againstanyofthat.Isaid,“Well,youmadeit.You’reherenow.”
Ourneedlesstartedback.Overinthegarden,Skywassinging.Efoonaentknowehoonadagwuine,oonashouldknowehoonadumfrom.
Skyhadneversetfootpast
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theGrimkéwallssinceshegothere.Missusdidn’thaveownerpapersonherandNinasaiditwasdangerousbusinessoutthere.SinceDenmark,thecodeshadgotstricterandthebuckrahshadgotmeaner,butthenextmarketday,ItoldNina,“WriteSkyapass,justdoitforme.I’llwatchafterher.”
ItiedafreshscarfonSky’sheadandwrappeda
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pressedapronroundherwaist.Isaid,“Now,don’tbetalkingtoomuchoutthere,allright?”
Onthestreet,Ishowedherthealleystoduckin.Ipointedouttheguards,howtowalkpastandlowerhereyes,howtostepasideforthewhites,howtosurviveinCharleston.
Themarketwasbusy—themencarryingwoodslats
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piledwithfishandthewomenwalkingroundwithvegetablebasketsontheirheadsthesizeoflaundrytubs.Thelittleslavegirlswereout,too,sellingpeanutpattiesfromtheirstrawhats.Bythetimewepassedbythebutchertableswiththebloodycalfheadslinedup,Sky’seyeswerebigashorsehooves.“Whereallthisstuffcomefrom?”shesaid.
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“You’reinthecitynow,”Itoldher.
IshowedherhowtopickandchoosewhatAunt-Sisterneeded—coffee,tea,flour,cornmeal,beefrump,lard.Itaughtherhowtohaggle,howtodothemoneychange.Thegirlcoulddonumbersinherheadquickerthanme.
Whentheshoppingwasdone,Isaid,“Nowwegoingsomewhere,andIdon’twant
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youtellingmauma,orGoodis,oranybodyaboutit.”
WhenwecametoDenmark’shouse,westoodonthestreetandlookedatthebatteredwhitewash.I’dcomebyhereafewmonthsaftertheylynchedDenmark,andafreeblackwomanI’dneverseenansweredthedoor.Shesaidherhusbandhadboughtthehousefromthecity,saidshedidn’tknowwhatcameof
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SusanVesey.IsaidtoSky,“You’re
alwayssinginghowweshouldknowwherewecomefrom.”Ipointedtothehouse.“That’swhereyourdaddylived.HisnamewasDenmarkVesey.”
ShekepthereyesontheporchwhileItoldherabouthim.Isaidhewasacarpenter,abig,brave-heartedmanwhohadwits
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sharperthananywhiteman.IsaidtheslavepeopleinCharlestoncalledhimMosesandhe’dlivedforgettingusfree.Itoldheraboutthebloodhe’dmeanttospill.BloodI’dlongsincemadepeacewith.
Shesaid,“Iknow’bouthim.Theyhunghim.”
Isaid,“Hewould’vecalledyoudaughterifhe’dhadthechance.”
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Wehadn’tblownoutthecandlefiveminuteswhenmauma’svoicewhisperedcrossthebed.“Whathappentothemoney?”
Myeyespoppedopen.“What?”
“ThemoneyIsavedtobuyourfreedom.Whathappentoit?”
Skywasalreadysleepingdeepwithawheezeinher
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breath.Sherolledoveratourvoices,mumblingnonsense.Iraisedonmyelbowandlookedatmaumalayinginthemiddlebetweenus.“Ithoughtyoutookitwithyou.”
“Iwasdeliveringbonnetsthatday.WhatwouldIbecarryingallthatmoneyinmypocketfor?”
“Idon’tknow,”Iwhispered.“Butitain’there.
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Ilookedhighandlowforit.”“Well,it’srightunder
yournosethewholetime—ifitwasasnake,it’dbiteyou.Where’sthatfirstquiltyoumade—hasredsquaresandblacktriangles?”
Ishould’veknown.“Ikeepitonthequilt
framewiththeotherquilts.Isthatwhereyouputit?”
Shewhippedbackthecoverandclimbedfrombed,
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mefumblingbehindher,lightingacandle.Skysatupinthehot,sputteringdark.
“Comeon,getup,”maumatoldher.“Wefixingtorollthequiltframedownoverthebed.”
Skylumberedovertous,lookingconfused,whileIgrabbedtheropeandbroughtitdown,thepulleywheelsbeggingforoil.
Maumadugthroughthe
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pileontheframeandfoundthequiltnearthebottom.Whensheshookitout,theoldquiltsmellfilledtheroom.Sheslitthebackingandsentherhandrootinginside.Grinning,shepulledoutathinbundle,thenfivemore,allwrappedinmuslinandtiedwithstringsorotteditcameapartinherhands.“Well,lookhere,”shesaid.
“Whatyoufind?”Sky
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asked.Afterwe’dtoldherabout
thehiring-outmaumausedtodo,andwe’ddancedroundandporedovertheriches,welaidthemoneyontheframe,andIwincheditbacktotheceiling.
Skywentonbacktosleep,butmeandmaumalaywide-eyed.
Shesaid,“Tomorrow,firstthing,youtiethemoney
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upfreshandsewitbackinsidethequilt.”
“It’snotenoughtobuyallthreeofus.”
“Iknowthat,wejustgonholdontoitfornow.”
Thenightdrewon,andIstartedtodrift,floatingtotheedge.JustbeforeIwentover,Iheardmaumasay,“Idon’tspectogetfree.TheonlywayI’mgettingfreeisforyoutogetfree.”
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Sarah
13April1828DearestNina,Lastmonth,Israel
proposedmarriage,declaringhimselfatlonglast.You’llbesurprisedtolearnIturnedhimdown.Hedidn’twantmetogoon
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withmyplansfortheministry,atleastnotashiswife.HowcouldIchoosesomeonewhowouldforcemetogiveupmyownsmallreachformeaning?Ichosemyself,andwithoutconsolation.Youshouldhave
seenhim.Hecouldn’tacceptthatafaded-lookingwomanin
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middleagewouldchoosealonenessoverhim.Respectable,handsomeIsrael.WhenIdeliveredmyanswer,heaskedifIfeltill,ifIwasmyself.Heexplainedthegravityofmymistake.HesaidIshouldreconsider.HeinsistedIspeakwiththeelders.Asifthosemencouldeverknowmy
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heart.PeopleatArch
Streetcan’tconceiveofmyrefusalanymorethanIsrael.TheythinkI’mselfishandmisguided.AmI,Nina?AmIafool?Astheweekspasswithouthisvisits,andIfeelinconsolable,IfearI’vemadetheworstmistakeofmylife.
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IwanttotellyouI’mstrongandresolute,butintruth,Ifeelafraidandaloneanduncertain.Ifeelasifhehasdied,andIsupposeinsomewayit’strue.I’mleftwithnothingbutthisstrangebeatinginmyheartthattellsmeI’mmeanttodosomethinginthisworld.Icannotapologizefor
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it,orforlovingthissmallbeatingasmuchashim.Ithinkofyouand
yourReverendMcDowellwithhopeandblessings.
Prayforyourlovingsister,Sarah
Ilaiddownthepenand
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sealedtheletter.Itwaslate,theMotthouseasleep,thecandleanub,thenightimperviousonthewindow.Forweeks,I’dresistedwritingtoNina,butnowitwasdone,anditseemedaturningpoint,anabdicationofwhatI’dalwaysbeentoher:mother,rescuer,exemplar.Ididn’twanttobethosethingsanymore.IwantedtobewhatIwas,her
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falliblesister.
WhenLucretiahandedmeNina’sletter,IwasinthekitchenmakingbiscuitsthewayAunt-Sistermadethem,withwheatflour,butter,coldwater,andaspoonfulofsugar.Iwasn’tinclinedtowardbaking,butIdidtrytobeofhelpnowandthen.Iopenedtheletter,standing
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overthebowlofflour.
1June1828DearestSister,TakeHeart.
Marriageisovervalued.Myownnews,
thoughnotasdireasyours,issimilar.Someweeksago,Iwentbeforeameetingatchurchandrequested
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theeldersgiveuptheirslavesandpubliclydenounceslavery.Itwasnotwell-received.Everyone,includingMother,ourbrotherThomas,andevenReverendMcDowell,behavedasifI’dcommittedacrime.Iaskedthemtogiveupasin,notChristandtheBible!
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ReverendMcDowellagreeswithmeinspirit,butwhenIpressedhimtopreachpubliclywhathesaystomeinprivate,herefused.“Prayandwait,”hetoldme.“Prayandact,”Isnapped.“Prayandspeak!”HowcouldImarry
someonewhodisplays
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suchcowardice?Ihavenochoice
nowbuttoleavehischurch.I’vedecidedtofollowinyourstepsandbecomeaQuaker.Ishuddertothinkofthegruesomedressesandthebarrenmeetinghouse,butmycourseisset.Fineriddanceto
Israel!Beconsoledin
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knowingtheworlddependsuponthesmallbeatinginyourheart.
Yours,Nina
WhenIfinishedreading,Ipulledachairfromthepinetableandsat.Motesofflour-dustweredriftingintheair.ItseemedanoddconvergencethatNinaandIwouldbothtastethispainonlyweeks
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apart.FineriddancetoIsrael,she’dwritten,butitwasn’tfine.IfearedIwouldlovehimtherestofmylife,thatIwouldalwayswonderwhatitwould’vebeenliketospendmylifewithhimatGreenHill.Ilongedforitinthatexcruciatingwayonehasofromanticizingthelifeshedidn’tchoose.Butsittingherenow,IknewifI’dacceptedIsrael’sproposal,Iwould’ve
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regrettedthat,too.I’dchosentheregretIcouldlivewithbest,that’sall.I’dchosenthelifeIbelongedto.
I’dstruggledfornearlytwoyearstobeacknowledgedasaminister,withoutsuccess,andIboredownnowonmyefforts,performingcharitableworkatthechildren’sasyluminordertowinoverthe
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QuakerwomenandspendingsomanyeveningsreadingtextsonQuakerthoughtandworshipIsmelledperpetuallyofparaffin.Thecrucialfactor,though,wasmyutterancesinMeeting,whichwerecompletelydismal.Mynervousnessaboutspeakingalwaysmademystammerworse,andMr.Bettlemancomplainedloudlyaboutmy“incoherentmumblings.”It
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wassaidthatrhetoricalpolishwasn’trequiredfortheministry,butthefactwasalltheministersontheFacingbenchwereappallinglyeloquent.
Isoughtoutthedoctorwho’dprovidedmyspectacles,inhope,finally,ofacure,butheterrifiedmewithtalkofoperationsinwhichtherootofone’stonguewasslicedandthe
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excesstissueremoved.Ileft,vowingIwouldneverreturn.Thatnight,unabletosleep,Isatinthekitchenwithwarmmilkandnutmeg,repeatingWickedWillyWiggleoverandover,thelittletongueexerciseNinahadonceinsistedIdowhenshewasachild.
8October1828
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MyDearSarah,Iamtobepublicly
expelledfromThirdPresbyterianChurch.ItseemstheydonottakewelltomyattendingQuakermeetingsthesepastfewmonths.Motherisappalled.SheinsistsmydownfallbeganwhenIrefusedconfirmationintoSt.Philip’s.Accordingto
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her,Iwasatwelve-year-oldmarionettewhosestringsyoupulled,andnowI’magrownmarionetteoftwenty-fourwhosestringsyou’remanipulatingallthewayfromPhiladelphia.Howskilledyouare!MotheralsofeltcompelledtoaddthatI’manunmarried
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marionette,thankstomyprideandmyopinionatedtongue.Yesterday,Reverend
McDowellvisited,informingmeImustreturnto“thefoldofGod’select”orbesummonedbeforethechurchsessiontostandtrialforbrokenvowsandneglectofworship.Haveyouever?Ispoke
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ascalmlyasIcould:“Deliveryourdocumentcitingmetoappearinyourcourt,andI’llcomeanddefendmyself.”ThenIofferedhimtea.AsMothersays,I’mproud,proudevenofmypride.Butwhenhedeparted,Ifledtomyroomandgavewaytotears.Iamontrial!
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MothersaysImustgiveupmyQuakerfoolishnessandreturntothePresbyteriansorbringpublicscandalupontheGrimkés.Well,we’veenduredthembefore,haven’twe?Father’simpeachment,thatdespicableBurkeWilliams,andyouraweing“desertion”to
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theNorth.It’smyturnnow.
Iremainfirm.YourSister,Nina
Overthenextyear,myletterstoNinawerethenearestthingtoadiaryI’dwrittensinceFather’sdeath.ItoldherhowIpracticedsayingWicked
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WillyWiggle,ofthefearmyvoicewouldkeepmefromrealizingmylargesthopes.IwroteoftheanguishofseeingIsraeleachweekatMeetings,thewayheavoidedmewhilehissister,Catherine,warmedtomeconsiderably,avolte-faceIcouldn’thaveimaginedwhenIfirstreturnedhere.
IsentNinasketchesIdrewofthestudioandrecountedthetalksLucretia
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andIhadthere.IkeptherabreastofthelivelierpetitionsthatcirculatedinPhiladelphia:tokeepfreeblacksfrombeingturnedoutofwhiteneighborhoods,tobanthe“coloredbench”inmeetinghouses.
“Ithascomeasagreatrevelationtome,”Iwroteher,“thatabolitionisdifferentfromthedesireforracialequality.Colorprejudiceisat
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thebottomofeverything.Ifit’snotfixed,theplightoftheNegrowillcontinuelongafterabolition.”
Inresponse,Ninawrote,“IwishImightnailyourletterontoapublicpostonMeetingStreet!”
Thethoughtofthatwasnotatallunpleasanttome.
ShewroteofherbattleswithMother,thedrynessofsittingintheQuaker
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meetinghouse,andtherampantostracismshefacedinCharlestonfordoingso.“HowlongmustIremaininthislandofslavery?”shewrote.
Then,onalanguidsummerday,Lucretiaplacedaletterinmyhands.
12August1829DearSarah,Severaldaysago,in
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routetovisitoneofthesickinourMeeting,IwasstandingonthecornerofMagazineandArchdalewhenIencounteredtwoboys—theyweremereboys!—escortingaterrifiedslavetotheWorkHouse.Shewaspleadingwiththemtochangetheirminds,andseeingme,shebegged
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moretearfully,“Pleasemissus,helpme.”Icoulddonothing.IseenowthatIcan
donothinghere.I’mcomingtoyou,Sister.IwillquitCharlestonandsailtoPhiladelphiainlateOctoberafterthestorms.Weshallbetogether,andtogethernothingshalldeterus.
With
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AbidingLove,Nina
I’dbeenexpectingNinaforoveraweek,keepingvigilatthewindowofmynewroominCatherine’shouse.TheNovemberweatherhadbeenspiteful,delayinghership,butyesterdaythecloudshadbroken.
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Today.Surely,today.Onmylapwasaslender
compendiumonQuakerworship,butIcouldn’tconcentrate.Closingit,Ipacedbackandforthinthenarrowroom,anunadornedlittlecellsimilartotheonethatawaitedNinaacrossthehall.Iwonderedwhatshe’dthinkofit.
IthadbeenhardtoleaveLucretia’s,buttherewasno
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guestroomthereforNina.Israel’sdaughter-in-lawhadtakenoverGreenHill,allowingCatherinetomovebacktohersmallhouseinthecity,andwhenshe’dofferedtoboardthebothofus,I’dacceptedwithrelief.
Iwentagaintothewindowandpeeredattheoutcroppingsofblueoverheadandthenattheriverofelmleavesinthestreet,
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brimmingyellow,andIfeltsurprisedsuddenlyatmylife.Howoddithadturnedout,howdifferentthanI’dimagined.ThedaughterofJudgeJohnGrimké—aSouthernpatriot,aslaveholder,anaristocrat—livinginthisausterehouseintheNorth,unmarried,aQuaker,anabolitionist.
Acoachturnedattheendofthestreet.Ifrozefora
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moment,arrestedbytheclompclompofthechestnuthorses,thewaytheirhighstridemadeeddiesintheleaves,andthenIbrokeintoarun.
WhenNinaopenedthedoorofthecoachandsawmerushingtowardherwithoutashawl,myhairfallinginredskeinsfromitspins,shebegantolaugh.Sheworeablack,full-lengthcloakwitha
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hood,andtossingitback,shelookeddarkandradiant.
“Sister!”shecriedandsteppedoffthecarriagerungintomyarms.
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PARTSIXJuly1835–June1838
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HandfulIstoodbythebedthatmorning,lookingdownonmaumastillsleeping,thewayshehadherhandsballedunderherchinlikeachild.Ihatedtowakeher,butIpattedherfoot,andhereyesrolledopen.Isaid,“Youfeellikegettingup?Littlemissus
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sentmeoutheretogetyou.”Littlemissuswaswhatwe
calledMary,theoldestGrimkédaughter.She’dturnedawidowthefirstofthesummer,andbeforetheygotherhusbandinthegroundgood,she’dhandedofftheteaplantationtoherboys,saidtheplacehadkepthercutofffromtheworldtoolong.Nextweknow,sheshowedupherewithnine
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slavesandmoreclothesandfurniturethanwecouldfitinthehouse.Iheardmissustellher,“Youdidn’tneedtobringtheentireplantationwithyou.”AndMarysaid,“WouldyoupreferI’dleftmymoneybehind,too?”
Justwhenmissushadgotwhereshecouldn’tswingthegold-tipcanewiththestrengthofathree-year-old,herecamelittlemissus,ready
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topickuptheslack.Shehadlinesroundhereyeslikedartseamsandsilverthreadinherhair,butshewasthesame.WhatwerememberedmostfromwhenMarywasagirlwasthebadwayshetreatedherwaitingmaid,Lucy—Binah’sothergirl.OnthedayMarygotherewithherprocession,Phoebeboltedfromthekitchenhouse,shouting,“Lucy.Lucy?”
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Whennobodyanswered,sherusheduptolittlemissusandsaid,“YoubringmysisterLucywithyou?”
Littlemissuslookedstumped,thenshesaid,“Oh,her.Shediedalongtimeago.”Shedidn’tseePhoebe’sbrokenface,justherkitchenapron.“Idon’tknowwhattimeyouservethemiddaymeal,”shesaid,“butfromnowonitwillbeattwo.”
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Theslavequarterswerebustingseams.Everyroomtaken,somesleepingonthefloor.Aunt-SisterandPhoebeyowledaboutthemouthstofeed,andlittlemissushadmeandmaumasewingnewliverycoatsandhousedressesforeverybody.WelcometotheGrimkés’.Shehadn’tbroughtaseamstresswithher,butshe’dbroughteverybodyelseandtheir
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secondcousin.Wehadanewbutler,alaundress,littlemissus’personalchambermaid,acoachman,afootman,agroomsman,newhelpforthekitchen,thehouse,andtheyard.SabegotdemotedbacktothegardenswithSky,andGoodis,poorGoodis,hesatinthestableallday,whittlingsticks.Meandhimevenlostthelittleroomwherewestillwent
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sometimestoloveeachother.Now,hereinthecellar
room,maumadidn’traiseherheadoffthepillow.Shedidn’thaveauseforlittlemissus.Shesaid,“Whatshewantwithme?”
“Wegotthatbigteatoputontodayandshewantstheribbonssewedonthenapkins.Sheactslikeyou’retheonlyonecandoit.She’sgotmefixingthetables.”
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“Where’sSky?”“Sky’swashingthefront
steps.”Maumalookedsotired.I
knewthepainsinherstomachhadgotworsecauseshe’dpickedatherfoodallweek.Shepushedherselfupslow,sothinherbodylookedlikeastemgrowingupfromthemattress.
“Mauma,youlayonbackdown.I’llgetthoseribbons
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done.”“Youagoodgirl,
Handful,youalwayswas.”Thestoryquiltwasfolded
onthefootofthebedwhereshelikedtokeepitclose.Shespreaditopencrossherlegs.ItwasJuly,ahot,stickyday,andforonetickoftheclock,Iwonderedifshewasfeelingthatcoldyougettowardtheend.Butthensheturnedthequilttillshefoundthefirst
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square.“Thisismygranny-maumawhenthestarsfallandshegetssoldaway.”
Isatdownnexttoher.Shewasn’tcold,shejustwantedtotellthestoryonthequiltagain.Shelovedtotellthestory.
She’dforgotabouttheribbons,andtherecouldbetroubleformelingering,butthiswasmauma,andthiswasthestory.Shewentthrough
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thewholequilt,everysquare,takinghertimeontheonesshe’dsewedsinceshewasback.HerbeingtakenawayinthewagonbytheGuard.Workingthericefieldswithababyonherback.Amanbrandinghershoulderwiththelefthandandhammeringoutherteethwiththeright.Runningawayunderthemoon.Finally,shecametothelastsquare,thefifteenth
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one—itwasme,mauma,andSkywithourarmswoventogetherlikealoopstitch.
Igottomyfeet.“Gobacktosleepnow.”
“No,I’mcoming.Ibeonupthereinawhile.”
Hereyesglowedlikethepaperlanternsweusedtosetoutforthegardenparties.
Istoodinthediningroom,
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facingthewindow,stuffingbigcrystalhornswithfruit,everythinginthelarderthatwasn’trotten,whenIspottedmaumashufflingtowardthespirittreeatthebackoftheyard.Shehadthestoryquiltclutchedroundhershoulders.
Myhandscamestill—thewaysheslidonefoot,rested,thenslidtheotherone.Whenshereachedthetree,shesteadiedherhandonthetrunk
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andloweredherselftotheground.Myheartstartedtobeatstrange.
Ididn’tlooktoseeiflittlemissuswasnear,Ihurriedoutthebackdoor.FastasIcould,fastastheearthwouldpassbeneathme.
“Mauma?”Sheliftedherface.The
lighthadgonefromhereyes.Therewasonlytheblackwicknow.
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Ieaseddownbesideher.“Mauma?”
“It’sallright.Icometogetmyspirittotakewithme.”Hervoicesoundedfaroffinsideher.“I’mtired,Handful.”
Itriednottobescared.“I’lltakecareofyou.Don’tworry,we’llgetyousomerest.”
Shesmiledthesaddestsmile,lettingmeknowshe’d
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getherrest,butnotthekindIhoped.Itookholdofherhands.Theywereicecold.Littlebirdbones.
Shesaiditagain.“I’mtired.”
Shewantedmetotellheritwasallright,togetherspiritandgoon,butIcouldn’tsayit.Itoldher,“Course,you’retired.Youworkedhardyourwholelife.That’sallyoudidwaswork.”
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“Don’tyouremembermeforthat.Don’tyourememberI’maslaveandworkhard.Whenyouthinkofme,yousay,sheneverdidbelongtothosepeople.Sheneverbelongtonobodybutherself.”O
Sheclosedhereyes.“Yourememberthat.”
“Iwill,mauma.”Ipulledthequiltround
hershoulders.Highinthe
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limbs,thecrowscawed.Thedovesmoaned.Thewindbentdowntolifthertothesky.O
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SarahWearrivedatthemeetinghouseintheswelterofanAugustmorningwitheveryintentionofgoinginsideandsittingontheNegropew.
“...Arewecertainwewanttodothis?”IaskedNina.
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Shehaltedonthebrownedgrass,aharshamberlightfallingoutofthecloudlessskyontoherface.“ButyousaidtheNegropewwasabarrierthatmustbebroken!”
Ihadsaidthat,justlastnight.Ithadseemedlikeastirringideathen,butnow,intheglareofday,itseemedlesslikebreakingabarrierandmorelikeaperilouslark.
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Sofar,theArchStreetmembershadputupwithmyanti-slaverystatementsthewayyouabideswarminginsectsintheoutdoors—youswatandignorethemthebestyoucan—butthiswasaltogetherdifferent.Thiswasanactofrebellionanditprobablywouldn’thelpmylongstruggletobecomeaQuakerminister.TheideatositontheNegropewhad
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comeafterreadingTheLiberator,ananti-slaverypaperNinaandIhadbeensmugglinghomeinourparcelsand,once,foldedinsideNina’sbonnet.ItwaspublishedbyMr.WilliamLloydGarrison,possiblythemostradicalabolitionistinthecountry.IwassureifCatherinefoundasinglecopyinourrooms,shewouldpromptlyevictus.Wekept
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themhiddenbeneathourmattresses,andIwonderednowifweshouldgohomeandburnthem.
Thetruthwasnoneofthiswassafe.Pro-slaverymobshadbeenonareignofterrorallsummer,andnotintheSouth,buthereintheNorth.They’dbeentossingabolitionistprintingpressesintotheriversandburningdownfreeblackand
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abolitionisthomes,nearlyfiftyoftheminPhiladelphiaalone.TheviolencehadbeenashocktomeandNina—itseemedgeographywasnosafeguardatall.Beinganabolitionistcouldgetyouattackedrightonthestreets—heckled,flogged,stoned,killed.Someabolitionistshadbountiesontheirheads,andmosteveryonehadgoneintohiding.
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Standingthere,seeingthedisappointmentonNina’sface,IwishedforLucretia.Iwishedshewouldappearnexttomeinherwhiteorgandybonnetwithherfearlesseyes,butsheandJameshadmovedtoanotherMeeting,findingArchStreettooconservative.I’dthoughttofollowheruntilCatherinemadeitclearNinaandIwouldhavetoseekotherlodging,andtherewere
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few,ifany,suitableplacestwospinstersisterscouldboardtogether.SometimesIthoughtbacktothatdaybytheDelawarewhenI’dtoldLucretiaIwouldn’tlookback,andIhadcarriedonthebestIcould,buttherewerealwayscompromisestobemade,somanylittleconcessions.
“Youdon’thavecoldfeet,doyou?”Ninawas
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saying.“Tellmeyoudon’t.”IheardIsrael’svoicecut
throughthecrowd,callingforBecky,andglancingup,Icaughtsightofhisbackdisappearingintothemeetinghouse.Istoodamomentsmellingtheheatonthehorsesaddles,thestinkofurineonthecobblestone.
“...Ialwayshavecoldfeet...butcomeon,theywon’tstopme.”
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Sheslidherarmthroughmine,andIcouldbarelykeepupwithherasshetowedmetothedoor,herchinraisedinthatdefiantwayshe’dhadsincechildhood,andforasecond,Isawheratfourteen,sittingontheyellowsetteebeforeReverendGadsdenwithherchinyankedupjustlikethis,refusingtobeconfirmedintoSt.Philip’s.
SoonafterNinahad
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arrivedinPhiladelphia,theQuakershadmadeherateacherintheInfantSchool,ajobshedespised.Ourrequestsforanotherassignmenthadbeenignored—Ibelievetheythoughttherewassomepridetobeknockedoutofherbydiaperingbabies.Theeligiblemen,includingJaneBettleman’sson,Edward,trampledoveroneanothertoassistherfrom
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thecarriage,thenloiteredclosebyincaseshedroppedsomethingtheymightretrieve,butshefoundthemalltedious.Whensheturnedthirtylastwinter,Ibegantoquietlyworry,notthatshewasbecominganotherAuntAmeliaJanelikeme—indeedItoldherifshegotMrs.Bettlemanforamother-in-lawwewouldbothhavetodrownourselvesintheriver.
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No,myworrywasthatshewouldfindherselfforty-threelikeme,andstillburpingQuakerbabies.
TheNegropewwasinthelow-slungspotbeneaththestairsthatledtothebalcony.Asusual,itwasguardedbyoneofthementoensurenowhitepersonsatonitbyaccidentandnocoloredpersonpassedbeyondit.NoticingEdwardBettleman
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wastheguardtoday,Isighed.Weweredoomed,itseemed,tomakefreshenemiesofhisfamilyoverandover.
SarahMappsDouglassandhermother,Grace,satonthebenchintheirQuakerdressesandbonnets.TypicallytheonlyNegroesamongus,SarahMapps,closeinagetoNina,wasateacherintheschoolforblackchildrenshe’dfounded,and
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hermotherwasamilliner.Theywerebothknownfortheirabolitionistleanings,butaswesteppedtowardthem,IwonderedforthefirsttimeiftheywouldmindwhatNinaandIwereabouttodo,ifitwouldimplicatetheminanyway.
Asthethoughtcrossedmymind,Ihesitated,andseeingmepause,nodoubtworryingagainaboutthe
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temperatureofmyfeet,Ninastrodequicklytothebenchandploppeddownbesidetheolderwoman.
Irememberablurofthingshappeningatonce—theexhaleofsurprisethatleftMrs.Douglass’lips,SarahMappsturningtolookatme,comprehending,EdwardBettlemanlungingtowardNina,sayingtooloudly,“Nothere,youcan’tsithere.”
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Ignoringhim,Ninastaredbravelyahead,whileIslippedbesideSarahMapps.Edwardturnedtome.“MissGrimké,thisistheNegropew,you’llhavetomove.”
“...We’recomfortablehere,”Isaid,noticingthatentirerowsofpeoplenearbyweretwistingabouttoseethetrouble.
Edwarddeparted,andinthequietthatfollowed,I
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heardthewomentakeuptheirfansandthemencleartheirthroats,andIhopedthedisturbancewoulddiedownnow,butacrosstheroomontheElders’bench,therewasaspateofwhispering,andthenIsawEdwardreturningwithhisfather.
Thefourofusinstinctivelyslidtogetheronthebench.
“Iaskyoutorespectthe
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sanctityandtraditionofthemeetingandremoveyourselvesfromthepew,”Mr.Bettlemansaid.
Mrs.Douglassbegantobreathefast,andIwasstabbedwithfearthatwe’dputtheminjeopardy.Belatedly,Irecalledafreeblackwomanwho’dsatonawhitepewataweddingandhadbeenforcedtosweepthecitystreets.Igesturedtoward
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thetwowomen.“...They’renotpartof—”I’dalmostsaid,partofourdissidence,butstoppedmyself.“...They’renotpartofthis.”
“That’snotso,”SarahMappssaid,glancingathermother,thenupatMr.Bettleman.“Wearefullypartofit.Wesitheretogether,dowenot?”
Sheslippedherhandsintothefoldsofherskirttohide
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thewaytheytrembled,andIwasfilledwithloveandgriefatthesight.
Hewaited,andwedidn’tmove.“I’llaskonefinaltime,”hesaid.Helookedincredulous,incensed,certainofhisrighteousness,buthecouldhardlyremoveusforcibly.Couldhe?
Ninadrewherselfup,eyesblazing.“Weshallnotbemoved,sir!”
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Hisfacereddened.Turningtome,hespokeinatightlycoiledwhisper.“Heedme,MissGrimké.Reininyoursister,andyourselfaswell.”
Asheleft,IpeeredatSarahMappsandhermother,thewaytheygrabbedhandsandsqueezedinrelief,andthenatNina,atthesmallexultationonherface.ShewasbraverthanI,shealways
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hadbeen.Icaredtoomuchfortheopinionofothers,shecarednotawhit.Iwascautious,shewasbrash.Iwasathinker,shewasadoer.Ikindledfires,shespreadthem.Andrightthenandeverafter,IsawhowcunningtheFateshadbeen.Ninawasonewing,Iwastheother.O
NinaandIweresummoned
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fromourroomsbyCatherineringingtheteabellonwhatwethoughtwasarestfulSeptemberafternoon.Sheoftenrangthebellwhenaletterarrivedforoneofus,amealwasserved,orsheneededhelpwithsomehouseholdtask.Weploddeddownstairswithoutatraceofwariness,andtheretheywere,theelderssittingramrodstraightinthechairs
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inCatherine’sparlor,afewlefttostandalongthewall,Israelamongthem.Catherine,theonlywoman,wasgrandlyinstalledonthefrumpyvelvetwingchair.WehadstumbledintotheInquisition.
Neitherofushadbotheredtotuckupourhair.Minehunginlimpredtasselstomywaist,whileNina’sfloatedabouthershoulders,allcurlsandcorkscrews.It
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wasimproperformixedcompany,butCatherinedidn’tsendusback.Shepursedherlipsintosomethingsourthatpassedforasmileandgesturedusintotheroom.
Threeweekshadpassedsincewe’dfirstsatontheNegrobenchandrefusedtogetup,andexceptforMr.Bettleman,noonehadsaidanadmonishingwordtous.
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We’dreturnedtositwithSarahMappsandGracethefollowingweekandthenthenext,andnoefforthadbeenmadetostopus.I’dbeenlulledintothinkingtheeldershadacquiescedtowhatwe’ddone.Apparently,I’dbeenwrong.
Westoodsidebysidewaitingforsomeonetospeak.Thewindowpanesburnedwithsunlight,bakingthe
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roomtoakiln,andIfeltastreakofcoldsweatdartbetweenmybreasts.ItriedtomeetIsrael’sgaze,butheleanedbackintotheshadowfromthecornice.TurningthentoCatherine,Isawthenewspaperlyingonherlap.TheLiberator.
Mystomachcaught.Holdingonecorner
betweenherthumbandforefinger,sheliftedthe
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paperasifitwereadeadmouseshe’dfoundinatrapandheldbythetipofitstail.“Aletteronthefrontpageofthemostnotoriousanti-slaverypaperinthecountryhascometoourattention.”Sheadjustedherglasses—thelenseswerethickasthebottomofabottle.“Allowmetoreadaloud.30August,1835,RespectedFriend—”
Ninagasped.“OhSarah,I
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didn’tknowitwouldbepublished.”
Isquintedatherfranticeyes,tryingtocomprehendwhatshewassaying.Asitdawnedonme,Itriedtospeak,yetnothingcamebutaspewofair.Ihadtostripthewordslikewallpaper.“......You...wroteto...Mr.Garrison?”
Achairscrapedonthefloor,andIsawMr.
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Bettlemanstridetowardus.“Youwantustobelievethatyou,thedaughterofaslaveholdingfamily,pennedalettertoanagitatorlikeWilliamLloydGarrison,thinkinghewouldn’tpublishit?It’sexactlythesortofinflammatorymaterialhespreads.”
Shewasnotremorseful,shewasdefiant.“Yes,perhapsIdidthinkhewould
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publishit!”shesaid.Thentome,“Peopleareriskingtheirlivesforthecauseoftheslave,andwedonothingbutsitontheNegropew!IdidwhatIhadtodo.”
Itdidfeel,allofasudden,thatwhatshe’ddonewasinevitable.Ourliveswouldnevergobacktothewaythey’dbeen,she’dseentoit,andIbothwantedtopullherintomyarmsandthankher,
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andtoshakeher.Theirfaceswereallthe
same,grimandaccusing,frowningthroughtheglazeoflight,allbutIsrael’s.Hestaredatthefloorasifhewishedtobeanywherebuthere.
AsCatherineresumedreading,Ninafixedhereyesonthefarwall,onsomehigh,removedplaceabovetheirheads.Theletterwaslong
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andeloquent,andyes,highlyflammable.
“Ifpersecutionisthemeansbywhichwewillaccomplishemancipation,thenIsay,letitcome,foritismydeep,solemn,deliberateconvictionthatthisisacauseworthdyingfor.AngelinaGrimké.”Catherinefoldedthepaperandlaiditonthefloor.
Newsofherletterwould
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reachCharleston,ofcourse.Mother,Thomas,theentirefamilywouldreaditwithoutrageanddisgrace.Shewouldnevergohomeagain—Iwonderedifshe’dthoughtofthat,howthosewordsslammedshutwhateverdoorwasleftthere.
JustthenIsraelspokefromthebackoftheroom,andIclosedmyeyesatthegentlenessinhisvoice,the
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suddenkindness.“Youarebothoursisters.WeloveyouasChristlovesyou.We’vecomehereonlytobringyoubackintogoodstandingwithyourQuakerbrethren.Youmaystillreturntousinfullrepentance,astheprodigalsonreturnedtohisfather—”
“Youmustrecanttheletterorbeexpelled,”Mr.Bettlemansaid,terseandplain.
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Expelled.Thewordhunglikeasmallblade,almostvisibleinthebrightness.Thiscouldnothappen.I’dspentthirteenyearswiththeQuakers,sixpursuingtheministry,theonlyprofessionlefttome.I’dgivenupeverythingforit,marriage,Israel,children.
IhastenedtospeakbeforeNina.Iknewwhatshewouldsayandthenthebladewould
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fall.“...Please,Iknowyou’reamercifulpeople.”
“Tryandunderstand,Sarah,welookedtheotherwaywhileyousatontheNegropew,”Catherinesaid.“Butit’sgonetoofarnow.”Shelacedherfingersbeneathherchinandherknucklesshonewhite.“Andyouhavetoconsider,too,whereyou’llgoifyoudon’trecant.Icareforyouboth,butnaturally
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youcouldn’tstayhere.”Panicarchedintomy
throat.“...Isitsowrongtowritealetter?...Isitsowrongtoputfeettoourprayers?”
“Matterslikethis—theyaren’ttheworkofawoman’slife,”Israelsaid,steppingfromtheshadowedplacealongthewall.“Surelyyou’renotblindtothat.”Hisvoicewasmiredinhurtand
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frustration,thesametonehe’dhadwhenIturneddownhisproposal,andIknewhewasspeakingaboutmorethantheletter.“Wehavenochoice.Whatyou’vedonebydeclaringyourselfinthismannerisoutsidetheboundsofQuakerism.”
IreachedforNina’shand.Itfeltclammyandhot.IlookedatIsrael,onlyIsrael.“...Wecannotrecantthe
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letter.IonlywishI’dsignedit,too.”
Nina’shandtightenedonmine,squeezingtothepointofpain.
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Handful
4AugustDearSarahMaumapassedon
lastmonth.Shefellintoasleepundertheoaktreeandneverroused.Shestayedasleepsixdaysbeforeshediedinherbed,mebesideher
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andSkytoo.Yourmaumapaidforhertohaveapinebox.Theyputherinthe
slaveburialgroundonPittStreet.MissusletGoodiscarrymeandSkyoverthereinthecarriagetoseeherrestingplaceandsaygoodbye.Skyhasturned22nowandstandstallasaman.
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Whenwestoodbythegrave,Ididn’tcomeuptohershoulder.Shesangthesongthewomenontheplantationsingwhentheypoundricetoleaveonthegraves.ShesaidtheyputricetheretohelpthedeadfindtheirwaybacktoAfrica.Skyhadapocketfulfromthekitchenhouseand
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shespreaditovermaumawhileshesang.Whatcametome
wastheoldsongImadeupwhenIwasagirl.Crossthewater,crossthesea,letthemfishescarryme,carrymehome.Isangthat,thenItookthebrassthimble,theoneIlovedfromthetimeIwaslittle,andIleftitontop
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ofhergravesoshe’dhavethatpartofme.Well,Iwantedyou
toknow.Iguessshe’satpeacenow.Ihopethisletter
makesittoyou.Ifyouwriteme,takecarecauseyoursisterMarywatcheseverything.TheblackdriverfromherplantationnamedHectoristhebutler
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nowandhedoesherspying.
YourfriendHandful
IwroteSarah’snameandaddressonthefrontbythelightofthecandle,copyingmissus’handwritingascloseasIcouldmanage.Missus’penshiphadfallenoffsobadIcould’vesetdownanykindofletteringandpasseditoff
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forhers.Iclosedtheletterwithadropofwaxandpresseditwithmissus’seal-stamp.I’dstolethestampfromherroom—let’ssay,borrowedit.Iplannedtotakeitbackbeforeitwasmissed.Thestationery,though,wasjustplainstolen.
Crosstheroom,Skywassleeping,thrashingintheheat.Iwatchedherarmssearchthespotonthe
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mattresswheremaumausedtolay,thenIblewouttheflameandwatchedthesmoketailawayinthedark.TomorrowI’dsliptheletterinthebatchgoingtothepostandhopenobodytookahardlook.
Skysangoutinhersleep,soundedlikeGullah,andIthoughtofthericeshe’dsprinkledonmauma’sgrave,tryingtosendherspiritto
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Africa.Africa.Wherevermeand
Skywere,that’stheonlyplacemaumawouldbe.
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SarahIwokeeachdaytoasick,emptyfeeling.CatherinehadgivenusuntilthefirstdayofOctobertopackourthingsandleave,butwecouldfindnoonewho’dtakeintwosistersexpelledbytheQuakers,andLucretia’shousewaspackedwith
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childrennow.Thestreetshadbeenfloodedwithhandfliers—theyweretackedonlightpostsandbuildingsandstrewnontheground—theheadlinescreamingoutinthesalaciouswaythesestreetragsdid:OUTRAGE:AnAbolitionistoftheMostRevoltingCharacterisAmongYou.Belowthat,Nina’slettertoTheLiberatorwasprintedinfull.Eventhe
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lowliestboardinghouseswouldn’topentheirdoorstous.
I’dreachedthebordersofdespairwhenalettercamewithnoreturnnameoraddressontheenvelope.
29September1835DearMissesGrimké,Ifyouarebold
enoughtositwithusontheNegropew,perhaps
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youwillfinditinyourselftoshareourhomeuntilyoufindmoresuitablelodging.MymotherandIhavenothingtoofferbutapartiallyfurnishedattic,butithasawindowandthechimneyrunsthroughthemiddleofitandkeepsitwarm.Itisyours,ifyouwould
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haveit.Weaskthatyounotspeakofthearrangementtoanyone,includingyourpresentlandlordCatherineMorris.Weawaityouat5LancasterRow.
YoursinFellowship,SarahMappsDouglass
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Wedepartedouroldlifethenextday,leavingnoforwardingaddressandnogoodbye,arrivingbycoachatatinybrickhouseinapoor,mostlywhiteneighborhood.Therewasacrookedwoodenfencearoundthefrontwithachainonthegate,whichnecessitatedusdraggingourtrunkstothebackdoor.
Theatticwaspoorlylitandgauzywithcobwebs,and
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whenafireblazedbelow,theroomfilledwithstultifyingheatandsmelledbitterwithwoodsmoke,butwedidn’tcomplain.Wehadaroof.Wehadeachother.WehadfriendsinSarahMappsandGrace.
SarahMappswaswelleducated,perhapsmorethanI,havingattendedthebestQuakeracademyforfreeblacksinthecity.Shewould
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tellmethatevenasachildshe’dknownheronlymissioninlifewastofoundaschoolforblackchildren.“Fewunderstandthatkindofemphaticknowing,”shesaid.“Mostpeople,includingmymother,feelI’vesacrificedtoomuchbynotmarryingandhavingchildren,butthepupils,theyaremychildren.”Iunderstoodfarbetterthansherealized.Likeme,she
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lovedbooks,keepingherpreciousvolumesinsideachestintheirsmallfrontsittingroom.Eacheveningshereadtohermotherinherlovelysingsongvoice—Milton,Byron,Austen—continuinglongafterGracehadfallenasleepinherchair.
Therewerehatseverywhereinvariousstagesofconstruction,hangingontreeracksthroughoutthe
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house,andifnotactualhats,thensketchesofhatsscatteredontablesandwedgedintotheframeofthemirrorbythedoor.Gracemadebig,wild-featheredcreationswhichshesoldtotheshops,creationsthat,asaQuaker,shenevercould’vewornherself.Ninasaidshewaslivingvicariously,butIthinkshesimplypossessedtheurgingsofanartist.
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Ourfirstweekintheattic,wecleaned.Wesweptoutthedustandspidersandshinedthewindowglass.Wepolishedthetwonarrowbedframes,thetableandchair,andthecreakyrocker.SarahMappsbroughtupahand-braidedrug,brightquilts,anextratable,alantern,andasmallbookshelfwherewesetourbooksandjournals.Wetuckedevergreenboughs
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undertheeavestoscenttheairandhungourclothesonwallhooks.Iplacedmypewterinkstandontheextratable.
Bythesecondweekwewerebored.SarahMappshadsaidweshouldbecarefultoconcealourcomingsandgoings,thattheneighborswouldnottolerateracialmixing,butslippingoutoneday,wewerespottedbya
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groupofruffianboys,whopelteduswithpebblesandslurs.Amalgamators.Amalgamators.Thenextdaythefrontofthehousewasegged.
Thethirdweekwebecamehermits.
WhenNovemberarrived,IbegantopacetheovalrugasIrereadbooksandoldletters,
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holdingthemasIwalked,tryingnottodisappearintothemelancholicplaceI’dvisitedsincechildhood.IfeltasifIwasfightingtoholdmyground,thatifIsteppedofftherug,Iwouldfallintomyoldabyss.
Beforewe’dleftCatherine’s,aletterhadarrivedfromHandfultellingusofCharlotte’sdeath.EverytimeIreadit—somanytimes
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Ninahadthreatenedtohideitfromme—IthoughtofthepromiseI’dmadetohelpHandfulgetfree.Ithadplaguedmemywholelife,andnowthatCharlottewasgone,insteadofreleasingme,herdeathhadsomehowmadetheobligationmorebinding.ItoldmyselfI’dtried—Ihadtried.HowmanytimeshadIwrittenMotherbeggingtopurchaseHandfulinorderto
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freeher?She’dnotevenacknowledgedmyrequests.
ThenonemorningwhilemysisterusedthelastofourpaintstocapturethebarewillowoutsidethewindowandIwalkedmytrenchantpathontherug,Isuddenlystoppedandgazedatthepewterinkstand.Istaredatitforwholeminutes.Everythingwasinshambles,andtherewastheinkstand.
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“...Nina!DoyourememberhowMotherwouldmakeussitforhoursandwriteapologies?Well,I’mgoingtowriteone...atrueapologyfortheanti-slaverycause.Youcouldwrite,too...Webothcould.”
Shestaredatme,whileeverythingIfeltandknewoffereditselfupatonce.“...It’stheSouththatmustbereached,”Isaid.“...We’re
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Southerners...weknowtheslaveholders,youandI...Wecanspeaktothem...notlecturethem,butappealtothem.”
Turningtowardthewindow,sheseemedtostudythewillow,andwhenshelookedback,Isawtheglintinhereyes.“Wecouldwriteapamphlet!”
Sherose,steppingintothequadrangleoflightthatlayon
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thefloorfromthewindow.“Mr.Garrisonprintedmyletter,perhapshewouldprintourpamphlet,too,andsendittoallthecitiesintheSouth.Butlet’snotaddressittotheslaveholders.They’llneverlistentous.”
“...Whothen?”“We’llwritetothe
Southernclergyandtothewomen.We’llsetthepreachersuponthem,and
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theirwivesandmothersanddaughters!”
Iwroteinbedonmylapdesk,wrappedinawoolenshawl,whileNinabentoverthesmalltableinherold,fur-linedbonnet.Theentireatticachedwithcoldandthescratch-scratchofourpensandthewhippoorwillsalreadycallingtoeachother
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inthegatheringdark.Allwinterthechimney
hadsteepedtheatticwithheatandNinawouldthrowopenthewindowtoletintheicyair.Wewroteswelteringorwewroteshivering,butrarelyinbetween.Ourpamphletswerenearlyfinished—mine,AnEpistletotheClergyoftheSouthernStates,andNina’s,AnAppealtotheChristianWomenofthe
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South.She’dtakenthewomen,andItheclergy,whichIfoundironicconsideringI’ddonesopoorlywithmenandshesowell.Sheinsisteditwould’vebeenmoreironictheotherwayaround—herwritingaboutGodwhenshe’ddonesopoorlywithhim.
We’dsetdowneveryargumenttheSouthmadeforslaveryandrefutedthemall.I
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didn’tstutteronthepage.Itwasanecstasytowritewithouthesitation,towriteeverythinghiddeninsideofme,towritewiththesortofaudacityIwouldn’thavefoundinperson.OIsometimesthoughtofFatherasIwroteandthebrutalconfessionhe’dmadeattheend.DoyouthinkIdon’tabhorslavery?DoyouthinkIdon’tknowitwasgreedthat
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keptmefromfollowingmyconscience?ButitwasmostlyCharlottewhohauntedmypages.
Belowusinthekitchen,IheardSarahMappsandGracefeedingwoodintothestove,anorneryoldRumfordthatcoughedupcloudsofsmut.Soonwesmelledvegetablesboiling—onions,parsnips,beettops—andwegatheredourday’sworkand
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descendedtheladder.SarahMappsturnedfrom
thestoveasweentered,sheavesofsmokefloatingaboutherhead.“Doyouhavenewpagesforus?”sheasked,andhermother,whowaspoundingdough,stoppedtohearouranswer.
“Sarahhasbroughtdownthelastofhers,”Ninasaid.“Shewrotethefinalsentencetoday,andIexpectto
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completeminetomorrow!”SarahMappsclappedher
handsthewayshemight’vedoneforthechildreninherclass.Ourhabitwastogatherinthesittingroomafterthemeal,whereNinaandIreadourlatestpassagesaloudtothem.Gracesometimesgrewsodistressedatoureyewitnessaccountsofslaveryshewouldinterruptuswithallsortsofoutbursts—
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Suchanabomination!Can’ttheyseewearepersons?TherebutforthegraceofGod.Finally,SarahMappswouldfetchthemillinerybasketsohermothercoulddistractherselfbyjabbinganeedleintooneofthehatsshewasmaking.
“Alettercameforyoutoday,Nina,”Gracesaid,wipingdoughfromherhandsanddiggingitfromherapron.
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Fewpeopleknewofourwhereabouts:MotherandThomasinCharleston,andI’dsenttheaddresstoHandfulaswell,thoughI’dnotheardbackfromher.AmongtheQuakers,we’dinformednoonebutLucretia,afraidthatSarahMappsandGracewouldsufferforconsortingwithus.Thehandwritingontheletter,however,belongedtononeof
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them.IgazedoverNina’s
shoulderasshetoreopenthepaper.
“It’sfromMr.Garrison!”Ninacried.I’dforgotten—Ninahadwrittenhimsomeweeksago,describingourliteraryundertaking,andhe’drespondedwithenthusiasm,askingustosubmitourworkwhenitwasfinished.Icouldn’timaginewhathe
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mightwant.
21March1836DearMissGrimké,Ihaveencloseda
lettertoyoufromElizurWrightinNewYork.Notknowinghowtoreachyou,heentrustedthelettertometoforward.Ithinkyouwillfinditofutmostimportance.
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Ipraythemonographsyouandyoursisterarewritingwillreachmesoonandthatyouwillbothrisetothemomentthatisnowuponyou.
GodGrantYouCourage,WilliamLloydGarrison
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Ninalookedup,hereyessearchingmine,andtheywerefilledwithakindofwonder.Withadeepbreath,shereadtheaccompanyingletteraloud.
2March1836DearMissGrimké,Iwriteonbehalfof
theAmericanAnti-SlaverySociety,whichissoontocommission
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andsendforthfortyabolitionagentstospeakatgatheringsacrossthefreestates,winningconvertstoourcauseandrousingsupport.AfterreadingyoureloquentlettertoTheLiberatorandobservingtheoutcryandaweithaselicited,theExecutiveCommitteeis
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unanimousinitsbeliefthatyourinsightintotheevilsofslaveryintheSouthandyourimpassionedvoicewillbeaninvaluableasset.Weinviteyoutojoin
usinthisgreatmoralendeavor,andyoursister,Sarah,aswell,aswehavelearnedofhersacrificeandstaunchabolitionist
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views.Webelieveyoumaybemoreamenabletothemissionifsheaccompaniesyou.Ifthetwoofyouwouldconsenttobeouronlyfemaleagents,wewouldhaveyouspeaktowomeninprivateparlorsinNewYork.Wewouldexpect
youthesixteenthofnextSeptemberfortwo
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monthsofrigorousagenttrainingunderthedirectionofTheodoreWeld,thegreatabolitionistorator.YourcircuitoflectureswillcommenceinDecember.Weaskforyour
prayerfuldeliberationandyourreply.
YoursMostSincerely,
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ElizurWrightSecretary,AASS
Thefourofusstaredatoneanotherforamomentwithblank,astonishedexpressions,andthenNinathrewherarmsaroundme.“Sarah,it’sallwecould’vehopedandmore.”
Icouldonlystandthere
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immobilewhilesheclaspedme.SarahMappsscoopedahandfulofflourfromthebowlandtosseditoveruslikepetalsatawedding,andtheirlaughterroseintothesteamyair.
“Thinkofit,we’retobetrainedbyTheodoreWeld,”Ninasaid.Hewasthemanwho’d“abolitionized”Ohio.Hewassaidtobedemanding,fiercelyprincipled,and
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uncompromising.Imuddledthroughthe
mealandthereading,andwhenweslippedintobed,Iwasgladforthedark.IlaystillandhopedNinawouldthinkmeasleep,buthervoicecamefromherbed,twoarm-lengthsaway.“Iwon’tgotoNewYorkwithoutyou.”
“...I-Ididn’tsayIwouldn’tgo.Ofcourse,I’llgo.”
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“You’vebeensoquiet,Idon’tknowwhattothink.”
“...I’moverjoyed.Iam,Nina...It’sjust...I’llhavetospeak.Tospeakinthemostpublicway...amongstrangers...I’llhavetousethevoiceinmythroat,nottheoneonthepage.”
Allevening,I’dpicturedhowitwouldbe,themomentwhenthewordsclottedonmytongueandthewomenin
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NewYorkshiftedintheirchairsandstaredattheirlaps.
“YoustoodinMeetingsandspoke,”Ninasaid.“Youdidn’tletyourstutterstopyoufromtryingtobecomeaminister.”
Istaredattheblackplankofrafterovermyheadandfeltthetruthandlogicofthat,anditcametomethatwhatIfearedmostwasnotspeaking.Thatfearwasoldandtired.
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WhatIfearedwastheimmensityofitall—afemaleabolitionagenttravelingthecountrywithanationalmandate.Iwantedtosay,WhoamItodothis,awoman?Butthatvoicewasnotmine.ItwasFather’svoice.ItwasThomas’.ItbelongedtoIsrael,toCatherine,andtoMother.ItbelongedtothechurchinCharlestonandtheQuakers
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inPhiladelphia.Itwouldnot,ifIcouldhelpit,belongtome.
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HandfulIwasdownnearAdgersWharfonanerrandwhenthesteamboatlefttheharboranditwassomethinginthisworld,thepaddlethundering,thesmokestackblowing,andpeoplelineduponthetopdeckwavinghandkerchiefs.Iwatchedittillthespume
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settledonthewaterandtheboatdroppedoverthelastblueedge.
Littlemissushadsentmetogettwobottlesofimportscotch,andIhurriednownottobelate.Iwastheonewhodidmostofherbiddingthesedays.Whenshesentherplantationslavestofetchsomething,they’dcomebackwiththebasketemptyorstillholdingthenotetheywere
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supposedtodeliver.Theydidn’tknowtheBatteryfromWraggSquare,andshe’dmakethemgowithoutsupperiftheywerelucky,andiftheyweren’t,itwasfivelashesfromHector.
LastweekSkymadeuparhymeandsangitinthegarden.LittlemissusMary,meanasasnake.LittlemissusMary,hitherwiththerake.Itoldher,don’tsing
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thatcauseHectorhasearstohear,butSkycouldn’tgetthesongoffhertongue.She’dendedupwiththeironmuzzlelatchedonhermouth.Itwasusedforwhenaslavestolefood,butitworkedjustasgoodforaslavemouthingoff.IttookfourmentoholdSkydown,worktheprongsinsidehermouth,andclampthecontraptionatthebackofherhead.Shescreamedso
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loudIbitthesideofmycheektillbloodseepedandthecoppertastefilledmymouth.Skycouldn’teatortalkfortwodays.Shesleptsittingupsotheironwouldn’tcutherface,andwhenshewokegroaning,Iworkedawetragundertheedgeofthegagsoshecouldsuckthewater.
Comingoutfromthescotchstore,Iwasthinking
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aboutthetornplacesonthesidesofhermouth,howshehadn’tsungatunesinceallthathappened.ThenIheardshoutsandsmelledthesmoke.
AblackbillowwasrisingovertheOldExchange.ThefirstthingthatspranginmyheadwasDenmark,howthecitywasfinallyonfirelikehewanted.Ihitchedupmyskirtandjabbedtherabbitcane
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intothecobblestone,tryingtomakemyleggofaster.Thescotchbottlesclankedinthebasket.Painjarredtomyhip.
AtthecornerofBroadStreet,Istoppedinmytracks.WhatIthoughtwasthecityburningwasabonfireinfrontoftheExchange.Amobcircledrounditandthemanfromthepostofficewasuponthestepsthrowingbundlesofpaperontheflames.Every
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timeapacketlanded,thecindersflewandthecrowdroared.
Ididn’tknowwhattheyweresostirredupabout,andthelastthingyouwantistowadeoutinthemiddleofsomebodyelse’strouble,butIknewlittlemissusdoledoutwhippingsforbeinglatethesameasshedidforgettinglost.
Iwasweavingmyway,
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keepingmyheaddown,whenIsawoneofthepaperstheyweretryingtoburnlayingonthestreettrampledunderfoot,andIwentoverandpickeditup.
Itwassingedalongthebottom.AnEpistletotheClergyoftheSouthernStatesbySarahM.Grimké.
Istoodstock-still.Sarah.SarahM.Grimké.
“Givethattome,nigger!”
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amansaid.Hewasoldandbaldandsmelledsourinthesummerheat.“Handitover!”
Ilookedathisred,wateringeyesandpokedthebookletinsidemypocket.ThiswasSarah’snameandthesewereherwordsinside.Theycouldburntherestofthepapers,buttheyweren’tburningthisone.
Comelaterthisnight,SkyandGoodiswouldcometo
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mybedandsay,Handful,whatwasyouthinking?Youshould’vegivethattohim,butIdidwhatIdid.
Ididn’tpayanyheedtowhathesaid.Iturnedmybackandstartedwalkingoff,gettingawayfromhisstinkandhisgrabbinghand.
Hecaughtholdofthehandleonmybasketandgaveitajerk.Iyankedback,andheheldon,swayingonhis
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feet,saying,“Whatyouthink?I’mgonnaletyouwalkoffwiththat?”Thenhelookeddown,thathalf-drunkfool,andsawthebottlesofscotchinthebasket,thebestscotchinCharleston,andhisgraytonguecameoutandwipedhislips.
Isaid,“Here,youtaketheliquorandI’lltakethebooklet,”andIslidthebasketoffmyarmandlefthim
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holdingit.Ilimpedoff,meandthatslyrabbitonthecane,disappearinginthecrowd.
IkeptgoingpastMarketStreet.Thesunwasdrippingorangeontheharbor,thegreenshadowsfallingoffthegardenwalls.Upanddownthestreet,thehorseswerehightailinghome.
Ididn’thurry.Iknewwhatwaswaitingonme.
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NeartheGrimkéhouse,Isawthesteamboatlandingandthewhitewashbuildingwithasignoverthedoor,CharlestonSteamshipCompany.Amanholdingapocketwatchwaslockingthefrontdoor.Whenheleft,Iwandereddowntothelandingandsathiddenbehindthewoodcrates,watchingthepelicansdivestraightasblades.WhenItookthe
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bookletfrommypocket,littlecharredflakescameoffinmyhand.Ihadtoworkhardatsomeofthewords.Ifonetrippedmeup,Istaredattheletters,waitingforthemeaningtoshowitself,anditwouldcome,too,likepicturestakingshapeintheclouds.
RespectedFriends,Iaddressyouasa
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repentantslaveholderoftheSouth,onesecureintheknowledgethattheNegroisnotchatteltobeowned,butapersonunderGod...
Littlemissushadmewhippedbythelightofthemoon.
WhenIshoweduplateatthegatewithoutherimportscotchorthemoneyshegave
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metobuyit,shetoldHectortotakecareofme.Itwasdarkout,theblackskyfullofsharp-edge,tin-cutstarsandthemoonsofullHector’sshadowlayperfectontheground.Hehadthebullwhipwoundup,hangingoffhisbelt.
I’dalwaystakenmyhopefrommaumaandshewasgone.
Helashedmyhandstoa
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postonthekitchenhouse.ThelasttimeIwaswhippedwasforlearningtoread—onelash,atasteofsugar,theysaid—andTomfryhadtiedmetothissamepost.
Thistime,tenlashes.ThepricetoreadSarah’swords.
IwaitedwithmybacktoHector.IcouldseeGoodiscrouchedintheshadowsbytheherbgardenandSkyhiddenupnexttothe
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warmingkitchen,theflashofhereyeslikeasmallnightanimal.
Iletmyeyelidsfallshutontheworld.Whatwasitforanyway?Whatwasanyofthisfor?
Thefirststrikecamestraightfromthefire,aburningpokerundermyskin.Iheardthecottononmydressripandfelttheskinsplit.Itknockedthelegsfrom
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me.IcriedoutcauseI
couldn’thelpit,causemybodywassmallwithoutpadding.IcriedouttowakeGodfromhisslumber.
ThewordsinSarah’sbookcamefreshtome.ApersonunderGod.
Inmyhead,Isawthesteamboat.Isawthepaddleturning.
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Nextday,Iwasmeasuringlittlemissusforadress,awalkingcostumemadeofsilktaffeta,justwhateverybodyneeds,andherpretendingnothinghappened.Beingobliging.Handful,whatdoyouthinkaboutthisgoldcolor,isittoopale?...Nobodysewslikeyoudo,Handful.
WhenIstretchedthemeasuretapefromherwaist
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toherankle,thetore-upskinonmybackpinchedandpulledandatrickleranbetweenmyshoulders.PhoebeandSkyhadlaidbrownpapersoakedinmolassesonmybacktokeeptherawplacesclean,butitdidn’tturnthepainsweet.EverystepItookhurt.Islidmyfeetonthefloorwithoutpickingthemup.
Littlemissusstoodonthe
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fittingboxandturnedacircle.ItmademethinkoftheoldglobeinmasterGrimké’sstudy,thewayitturned.
TheclapperwentoffonthefrontdoorandweheardHector’sshoesslapdownthehallwaytothedrawingroomwheremissuswastakingtea.Hecalledout,“Missus,themayor’shere.Hesayforyoutocometothedoor.”
Marysteppedoffthe
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fittingboxandstuckherheadouttoseewhatshecouldsee.Missuswasoldnow,herhairpaper-white,butshegotround.Iheardhercanefast-tappingandthenhertoadyvoicedriftedintotheroom.“Mr.Hayne!Thisisanhonor.Please,come,joinmefortea.”Likeshe’dcaughtthebigfly.
Littlemissusstartedscramblingtogethershoes
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on.Sheandmissuswerealwaysbraggingonthemayor.Mr.RobertHaynewalkedonCharlestonwater.Hewaswhattheycalledanullifier.
“I’mafraidthisisn’tasocialcall,Mrs.Grimké.I’mhereonofficialbusinessregardingyourdaughters,SarahandAngelina.”
Littlemissuswentstill.Sheedgedbacktothe
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doorway,oneshoeon,oneshoeoff,andIeasedoverthere,too.
“IregrettoinformyouthatSarahandAngelinaarenolongerwelcomeinthecity.Youshouldinformthemiftheyreturnforavisit,they’llbearrestedandimprisoneduntilanothersteamercanreturnthemtotheNorth.It’sfortheirownwelfareasmuchasthecity’s
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—Charlestonissoenragedagainstthemnowtheywouldundoubtedlymeetwithviolenceiftheyshowedtheirfaces.”
Itfellsilent.Theoldbonesofthehousecreakedroundus.
“Doyouunderstand,madame?”themayorsaid.
“Iunderstandperfectly,nowyoushouldunderstandme.Mydaughtersmayhold
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unholyopinions,buttheywillnotbetreatedwiththissortofinsultandindignity.”
Thefrontdoorbanged,thecanetapped,thenmissuswasstandinginthedoorwaywithherliptrembling.
Themeasuretapeslippedfrommyfingers.Itcurledonthefloorbymyfoot.Iwasn’tlikelytoseeSaraheveragain.
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SarahSeatedontheplatform,IwatchedthefacesintheaudiencegrowmoreraptasNinaspoke,theaircracklingabouttheirheadsasifsomethingwaseffervescinginit.Itwasourinaugurallecture,andweweren’ttuckedawayinaparlor
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somewherebeforetwentyladieswithembroideryhoopsontheirlapsliketheAnti-SlaverySocietyhadfirstenvisioned.WewerehereinamajestichallinNewYorkwithcarvedbalconiesandredvelvetchairsfilledtooverflowing.
Allweekthenewspapershadrailedagainsttheunwholesomenoveltyoftwosistersholdingforthlike
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FannyWrights.Thestreetshadbeenpaperedwithhandbillsadmonishingwomentostayhome,andeventheAnti-SlaverySocietyhadgrownnervousaboutmovingthelecturetoapublichall.They’dcomeclosetocancelingthewholethingandsendingusbacktotheparlor.
ItwasTheodoreWeldwho’dstoodandcastigatedtheSocietyfortheir
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cowardice.TheycalledhimtheLionoftheTribeofAbolition,andforgoodreason—hecouldbequiteforcefulwhenheneededto.“Idefendtheseladies’righttospeakagainstslaveryanywhereandeverywhere.It’ssupremelyridiculousforyoutobullythemfromthisgreatmoment!”
Hehadsavedus.Ninasweptbackandforth
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acrossthestage,liftingherhandsandsendinghervoicesoaringintothebalconies.“WestandbeforeyouasSouthernwomen,heretospeaktheterribletruthaboutslavery...”She’dsplurgedonastylish,deepbluedressthatsetoffherhair,andIcouldn’thelpwonderingwhatMr.Weldwouldthinkifhecouldseeher.
Eventhoughhe’dledthe
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trainingsessionsforNinaandmeandthethirty-eightotheragents,schoolingusintheskillsoforation,he’dneverseemedsurehowtoadvisethetwoofus.Shouldwestandmotionlessandspeaksoftlyaspeopleexpectedofawomanorgestureandprojectlikeaman?“Ileaveittoyou,”he’dtoldus.
He’dtakenwhathecalledabrotherlyinterestinus,
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visitingusoftenatourlodgings.ItwasreallyNinahe’dtakenaninterestin,ofcourse,andIdoubteditwasbrotherly.Shewouldn’tadmitit,butshewasdrawntohim,too.BeforearrivinginNewYork,I’dpicturedMr.Weldasasternoldman,butasitturnedout,hewasayoungman,andaskindlyashewasstern.Thirty-threeandunmarried,hewasstrikingly
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handsome,withthickbrowncurlinghairandbitingblueeyes,andhewascolor-blindtothepointheworeallsortsoffunny,mismatchedshades.Wethoughtitendearing.Iwasfairlysure,however,itwasn’tanyofthesequalitiesthatattractedNina.Isuspecteditwasthatsavingspeechofhis.Itwasthosefivewords,Ileaveittoyou.
“Thefemaleslavesare
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oursisters,”Ninaexclaimedandstretchedherarmsfromhersidesasifwewereencompassedbyagreathostofthem.“Wemustnotabandonthem.”Itwasthefinallineofherspeech,anditwasfollowedbyathunderclapinthehall,thewomencomingtotheirfeet.
Asthehandclappingwenton,heatwashedupthesidesofmyneck.Nowitwasmy
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turn.Havinglistenedtomepracticemyspeech,theSocietymenhaddecidedNinawouldgofirstandIwouldfollow,fearingiftheorderwasreversed,fewwouldperseverethroughmytalktohearher.Gettingtomyfeet,IwonderedifthewordsIplannedtosaywerealreadyretreating
WhenIsteppedtothelectern,mylegsfeltsquishy
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asasponge.Foramoment,Iheldontothesidesofthepodium,overwhelmedbytherealizationthatI,ofallpeople,wasstandinghere.Iwasgazingataseaofwaitingfaces,anditoccurredtomethataftermytall,dazzlingsister,Imust’vebeenasight.PerhapsIwasevenashock.Iwasshort,middle-aged,andplain,withatinypairofspectaclesontheendofmy
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nose,andIstillworemyoldQuakerclothes.Iwascomfortableinthemnow.I’mwhoIam.Thethoughtmademesmile,andeverywhereIlooked,thewomensmiledback,andIimaginedtheyunderstoodwhatIwasthinking.
Iopenedmymouthandthewordsfellout.IspokeforseveralminutesbeforeIlookedatNinaasiftosay,
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I’mnotstammering!Shenodded,hereyeswideandbrimming.
Asachild,mystutterhadcomeandgonemysteriouslyjustlikethis,butithadbeenwithmeforsolongnowI’dthoughtitpermanent.Italkedonandon.IspokequietlyabouttheevilsofslaverythatI’dseenwithmyowneyes.ItoldthemaboutHandfulandhermotherandhersister.I
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sparedthemnothing.Finally,Ipeeredovermy
glassesandtooktheminforamoment.“Wewon’tbesilentanymore.Wewomenwilldeclareourselvesfortheslave,andwewon’tbesilentuntilthey’refree.”
Iturnedthenandwalkedbacktomychairwhilethewomenroseandfilledthehallwiththeirapplause.
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WespokebeforelargegatheringsinNewYorkCityforweeksbeforeholdingacampaigninNewJersey,andthentravelingontotownsalongtheHudson.Thewomencameinthrongs,proliferatingliketheloavesandfishesintheBible.InachurchinPoughkeepsie,thecrowdwassogreatthebalconycrackedandthechurchhadtobeevacuated,
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forcingustodeliverourspeechesoutsideinthefrostandgloomofFebruary,andnotonewomanleft.Ineverytownwevisited,weencouragedthewomentoformtheirownanti-slaverysocieties,andwesetthemcollectingsignaturesonpetitions.Mystuttercameandwent,thoughitkindlystayedawayformostofmyspeeches.
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Webecamemodestlyfamousandextravagantlyinfamous.Throughoutthatwinterandspring,newsofourexploitswascarriedbypracticallyeverynewspaperinthecountry.Theanti-slaverypaperspublishedourspeeches,andtensofthousandsofourpamphletswereinprint.Evenourformerpresident,JohnQuincyAdams,agreedto
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meetwithus,promisinghewoulddeliverthepetitionsthewomenwerecollectingtoCongress.InafewcitiesintheSouth,wewerehungineffigyrightalongwithMr.Garrison,andourmotherhadsentwordwecouldnolongersetfootinCharlestonwithoutfearofimprisonment.
Mr.Weldwasourlifeline.Hewroteusjointletters,praisingourefforts.
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Hecalledusbraveandstalwartanddogged.Nowandthen,headdedapostscriptforNinaalone.Angelina,it’swidelysaidyoukeepyouraudiencesinthrall.Asdirectorofyourtraining,IwishIcouldtakecredit,butit’sallyou.
OnabalmyafternooninApril,heappearedwithoutpriornoticeatGerritSmith’scountryhouseinPeterboro,
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NewYork,whereNinaandIwerespendingseveraldaysduringourlatestroundoflectures.He’dcome,hesaid,todiscussSocietyfinanceswithMr.Smith,theorganization’slargestbenefactor,butonecouldhardlymissthecoincidence.Eachmorning,heandNinatookawalkalongthelanethatledthroughtheorchards.He’dinvitedmeaswell,but
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I’dtakenonelookatNina’sfaceanddeclined.Heaccompaniedustoourafternoonlectures,waitingoutsidethehalls,andintheevenings,thethreeofussatwithMr.andMrs.Smithintheparlor,aswedebatedstrategiesforourcauseandrecountedouradventures.WhenMrs.Smithsuggesteditwastimeforthewomentosaygoodnight,Theodoreand
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Ninawouldglanceatoneanotherreluctanttopart,andhewouldsay,“Wellthen.Youmustgetyourrest,”andNinawouldleavetheroomwithpainfulslowness.
Thedayhedeparted,Iwatchedfromthewindowasthetwoofthemreturnedfromtheirwalk.Ithadstartedtorainwhiletheywereout,oneofthosesuddendownburstsduringwhichthesungoes
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rightonshining,andhewasholdinghiscoatovertheirheads,makingalittletentforthem.Theywalkedwithouttheleastbitofhurry.Icouldseetheywerelaughing.
Astheycameontotheporch,shakingoffthewetness,hebentandkissedmysister’scheek.
InJunewearrivedin
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Amesbury,Massachusetts,foratwo-weekrespiteattheclapboardcottageofaMrs.Whittier.WeweresoontobeginacrusadeoflecturesinNewEnglandthatwouldlastthroughthefall,butwewereraggedwithfatigue,inneedoffresh,moreseasonalclothes,andIhadanairylittlecoughIcouldn’tgetridof.Mrs.Whittierwascherry-cheekedandplump,andfed
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usrichsoups,doseduswithcodliveroil,refusedallvisitors,andforcedustobedbeforethemoonappeared.
ItwasseveraldaysbeforewediscoveredshewasthemotherofJohnGreenleafWhittier,Theodore’sclosefriend.Weweresittingintheparlor,havingtea,whenshebegantospeakofhersonandhislongfriendshipwithTheodore,andweunderstood
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nowwhyshe’dtakenusin.“Youmustknow
Theodorewellthen,”Ninasaid.
“Teddy?Oh,he’slikeasontome,andabrothertoJohn.”Sheshookherhead.“Isupposeyou’veheardofthatawfulpledgetheymade.”
“Pledge?”saidNina.“Why,no,we’veheardnothingofit.”
“Well,Idon’tapprove.I
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thinkittooextreme.Awomanmyagewouldlikegrandchildren,afterall.Butthey’remenofprinciple,thosetwo,there’snoreasoningwiththem.”
Ninasatupontheedgeofherchair,andIcouldseethebrightnessleaveher.“Whatdidtheypledge?”
“Theyvowedneitherofthemwouldmarryuntilslaverywasabolished.
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Honestly,itwillhardlybeintheirlifetimes!”
ThatnightIwasawakenedbyaknockonmydoorlongafterthemoonset.Ninastoodtherewithherfacelikeaseawall,grimandbraced.“Ican’tbearit,”shesaidandfellagainstmyshoulder.
Thatsummerof1837,New
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Englanderscamebythethousandstohearusspeak,andforthefirsttimemenbegantoappearintheaudiences.Atfirstahandful,thenfifty,thenhundreds.Thatwespokepubliclytowomenwasbadenough—thatwespokepubliclytomenturnedthePuritanworldonitshead.
“They’llbelightingthepyres,”IsaidtoNinawhen
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themenfirstshowed,tryingtosloughitoff.Welaughed,butitbecamenotfunnyatall.
Isuffernotawomantoteach,nortousurpauthorityovertheman,buttobeinsilence.WasthereeveramoregallingverseintheBible?ItwaspreachedthatsummerfromeverypulpitinNewEnglandwiththeGrimkésistersinmind.TheCongregationalchurches
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passedaresolutionofcensureagainstus,urgingaboycottofourlectures,andinitswake,anumberofchurchesandpublichallswereclosedtous.InPepperellwewereforcedtodeliverourmessageinabarnwiththehorsesandcows.“Asyousee,there’snoroomattheinn,”Ninatoldthem.“But,still,thewisemenhavecome.”
Wetriedtobebraveand
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stalwartanddogged,asTheodorehaddescribedusinhisletter,andwebeganusingportionsofourlecturestodefendourrighttospeak.“Whatweclaimforourselvesweclaimforeverywoman!”ThatwasourrallycryinLowellandWorcesterandDuxbury,indeedeverywherewewent.Youshouldhaveseenthewomen,howtheyflockedtoourside,andsome,
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likethebraveladiesofAndover,wrotepubliclettersinourdefense.MyoldfriendLucretiagotamessagetousallthewayfromPhiladelphia.Itcontainedfourwords:Presson,mysisters.
Withoutintendingto,wesetthecountryinanuproar.Thematterofwomenhavingcertainrightswasnewandstrangeandpilloried,butitwassuddenlydebatedallthe
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waytoOhio.TheyrenamedmysisterDevilina.Theychristenedus“femaleincendiaries.”Somehowwe’dlitthefuse.
ThelastweekofAugustwereturnedtoMrs.Whittier’scottageasiffrombattle.Ifelttiredandbeleaguered,uncertainifIcouldcontinuewiththefalllectures.Thelastteaspoonoffighthadbeenscrapedoutof
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me.Ourfinalmeetingofthesummerhadendedwithdozensofangeredmenstandingonwagonsoutsidethehall,shouting“Devilina!”andhurlingrocksasweleft.Onehadhitmymouth,transformingmylowerlipintoafat,redsausage.Ilookedasight.Iwasn’tsurewhatMrs.Whittierwouldsaytoallthis,ifshewouldevengiveusshelter—wewere
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pariahsnow—butwhenwearrived,shepulledusintoherarmsandkissedourforeheads.
Onthethirddayofrefuge,IreturnedfromastrollalongthebanksoftheMerrimacktofindNinacantingsharplyagainstthewindowasifshe’dfallenasleep,herheadpressedtotheglass,hereyesclosed,herarmsdroppedbyhersides.
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Shelookedlikeaspinningtopthathadcometorest.
Hearingmyfootsteps,sheturnedandpointedtotheteatablewheretheBostonMorningPostlayopen.Mrs.Whittiertookcaretohidetheeditorials,butNinahadfoundthepaperinthebreadbox.
August25TheMissesGrimkéhavemadespeeches,writtenpamphlets,andexhibitedthemselvesin
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publicinunwomanlywaysforawhilenow,buttheyhavenotfoundhusbands.Whyarealltheoldhensabolitionists?Becausenotbeingabletoobtainhusbands,theythinktheymaystandsomechanceforaNegro,iftheycanonlymakeamalgamationfashionable...
Icouldn’tfinishit.“Ifthat’snotenough,
TheodorewillbearrivingthisafternoonalongwithElizurWrightandMrs.Whittier’s
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son,John.Theirlettercamewhileyouwereout.Mrs.Whittierisintheremakingmincepies.”
Shehadn’tspokenofTheodoreallsummer,butshewassickwithlongingforhim,itwasplainonherface.
Themenarrivedatthreeo’clock.Mylipwasalmostbacktoitsnormalsize,andI
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couldspeaknowwithoutsoundingasifmymouthwasstuffedwithfood,butitwasstillsoreandIremainedquiet,waitingforthemtocometotheirpurpose,rememberingthewayTheodoredefendedusbefore—Itissupremelyridiculoustheyshouldbebulliedfromthisgreatmoment.
Todayhewaswearingtwoshadesofgreenthat
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madeonewince.Hewalkedtothemantelandpickedupapieceofscrimshawandinspectedit.HiseyeswenttoNina.Hesaid,“Therehasnotbeenacontributiontotheanti-slaverymovementmoreimpressiveortirelessthanthatoftheGrimkésisters.”
“Hear,hear,”saiddearMrs.Whittier,butIsawhersonlowerhiseyes,andIknewthenwhytheyhad
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come.“Wecommendyoufor
it,”Theodorewenton.“Andyetbyencouragingmentojoinyouraudiences,you’vemiredusinacontroversythathastakentheattentionawayfromabolition.We’vecome,hopingtoconvinceyou—”
Ninainterruptedhim.“Hopingtoconvinceustobehavelikegoodlapdogsandwaitcontentbeneaththetable
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forwhatevercrumbsyoutosstous?Isthatwhatyouhope?”HerrebukewassoswiftandscathingIwonderedifitwasinreactiontohismarriagepledgeasmuchasanything.
“Angelina,please,justhearusout,”hesaid.“We’reonyourside,atheartweare.Iofallpeoplesupportyourrighttospeak.It’sdownrightsenselesstokeepmenaway
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fromyourmeetings.”“...Thenwhydoyou
quibble?”Iasked.“Becausewesentyouout
thereonbehalfofabolition,notwomen.”
HeglancedatJohn,whoseheavybrowsandleanfacemademefeelthetwocould’vebeenactualbrothers,notjustfigurativeones.
“Heonlymeanstosaytheslaveisofgreaterurgency,”
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Johnadded.“Isupportthecauseofwomen,too,butsurelyyoucan’tlosesightoftheslavebecauseofaselfishcrusadeagainstsomepaltrygrievanceofyourown?”
“Paltry?”Ninacried.“Isourrighttospeakpaltry?”
“Incomparisontothecauseofabolition?Yes,Isayitis.”
Mrs.Whittierdrewupinherchair.“Really,John!Asa
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woman,Ididn’tthinkIhadagrievanceuntilyoubeganspeaking!”
“Whymustitbeoneortheother?”Ninaasked.“SarahandIhaven’tceasedtoworkforabolition.We’respeakingforslavesandwomenboth.Don’tyousee,wecoulddoahundredtimesmorefortheslave,ifweweren’tsofettered?”SheturnedtoTheodore,casting
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onhimthemostbeautiful,imploringlook.“Can’tyoustandsidebysidewithme?Withus?”
Hedrewalongbreathandhisfacegavehimaway—itwastwistedwithloveanddistress—buthe’dcomeonamission,andasMrs.Whittierhadsaid,hewasamanofprinciple,rightorwrong.“Angelina,Ithinkofyouasmyfriend,thedearestof
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friends,andittorturesmetogoagainstyou,butnowisthetimetostandwiththeslave.Thetimewillcomeforustotakeupthewomanquestion,butnotyet.”
“Thetimetoassertone’srightiswhenit’sdenied!”
“I’msorry,”hetoldher.Outside,thewindswirled
up,churningtheleavesinthebirch.Thesoundandsmellofitloomedthroughtheopen
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window,andIhadasuddenfleetingmemoryofplayingbeneaththeoakintheworkyardbackhome,formingwordswithmybrother’smarbles,SarahGo,andthentheslavewomanisdraggedfromthecowhouseandwhipped.Idon’tscreamormakeasound.Isaynothingatall.
TheolderMr.Wrighthadbegunhispiece,comingto
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thecruxofit.“Itsaddensme,butyouragitationforwomenharmsourcause.Itthreatenstosplittheabolitionmovementintwo.Ican’tbelieveyouwantthat.We’reonlyaskingyoutoconfineyouraudiencestowomenandrefrainfromfurthertalkaboutwomen’sreform.”
HushinguptheGrimkésisters—woulditneverstop?IlookedatMr.Wright,sitting
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thererubbinghisarthriticfingers,andthenatJohnandTheodore—thesegoodmenwhowishedtoquashus,gently,ofcourse,benignly,forthegoodofabolition,forourowngood,fortheirgood,forthegreatergood.Itwasallsofamiliar.Theirswasonlyadifferentkindofmuzzle.
I’dspokenbutoncesincethey’dgottenhere,anditseemedtomenowI’dspent
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myentirelifetryingtocoaxbackthevoicethatleftmethatlong-agodayunderthetree.Nina,clearlyfurious,hadstoppedarguing.Shelookedatme,beseechingmetosaysomething.Iliftedmyfingerstomymouthandtouchedthelastbitofswollennessonmylip,feelingtheuprushofindignationthathadsustainedmethroughthesummer,and,
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Isuppose,mywholelife,butthistime,itformedintohardroundwords.“Howcanyouaskustogobacktoourparlors?”Isaid,risingtomyfeet.“Toturnourbacksonourselvesandonourownsex?Wedon’twishthemovementtosplit,ofcoursewedon’t—itsaddensmetothinkofit—butwecandolittlefortheslaveaslongaswe’reunderthefeetofmen.
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Dowhatyouhavetodo,censureus,withdrawyoursupport,we’llpressonanyway.Now,sirs,kindlytakeyourfeetoffournecks.”
ThatnightIbeganwritingmysecondpamphlet,LettersontheEqualityoftheSexes,workingintothehoursbeforedawn.Thefirstlinehadarrangeditselfinmyhead
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whileI’dsatlisteningtothementryanddissuadeus:Whatsoeveritismorallyrightforamantodo,itismorallyrightforawomantodo.SheisclothedbyherMakerwiththesamerights,thesameduties.
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HandfulItwasspringtimewhenalltheheavycleaningandairing-outwasgoingoninthehouseandeverynightmeandSkywouldcomebacktothecellarroomafterbeingwiththebristle-brushallday,andfallonthebed,andthefirstthingI’dseewasthequiltframe,
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theonetrueroofovermyhead.I’dthinkabouteverythinghiddenupthere—mauma’sstoryquilt,themoney,Sarah’sbooklet,herlettertellingmeaboutthepromiseshe’dmadetogetmefree—andI’dfallasleepgladtheyweresafeovermyhead.
ThenoneSundaymorning,Irolledtheframedown.SkywatchedmewithoutawordwhileIran
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myhandovertheredquiltwiththeblacktriangles,feelingthemoneysewedinside.IpeeledthemuslinclothfromroundSarah’sbookletandgazedonit,thenwrappeditback.Next,Ispreadthestoryquiltcrosstheframeandwestoodthere,lookingdownatthehistoryofmauma.Ilaidmypalmonthesecondsquare—thewomaninthefieldandtheslavesflying
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intheairoverherhead.Allthathopeinthewind.
Wedidn’thearlittlemissusoutsidethedoor.Thelockmaumausedtohaveonthedoorwaslonggone,andlittlemissus,shedidn’tknock.Sheflouncedonin.“I’mgoingtoSt.Philip’s,andIneedmyclaretcape.Youweresupposedtomenditforme.”Hereyeswanderedpastmetothequiltframe.
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“What’sallthis?”Isteppedtoblockher
view.“That’sright,Iforgotaboutyourcape.”Iwastryingtofanthemothfromtheflame,butshebrushedpastmetoseethepinks,reds,oranges,purples,andblacksonthequilt.Maumaandhercolors.
“I’llbestraightovertomendthecape,”Isaidandtooktheropeoffthehookto
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hiketheframeupbeforeshefiguredoutwhatshewaslookingat.
Sheputupherhand.“Holdon.You’reinanawfulbighurrytohidethisfromme.”
Ifastenedtheropeback,thehigh-fluttercominginmychest.Skystartedhummingathinnervoustune.Istartedtoputmyfingertomylip,buteversinceshehadthat
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muzzleinhermouth,Icouldn’tbeartohushher.Welookedbackandforthtoeachotherwhilelittlemissussquintedfromonesquaretothenextlikeshewasreadingabook.Everythingdonetomauma—thereitwas.Theone-leggedpunishment,thewhippings,thebranding,thehammering.Mauma’sbodylaidonthequiltframeinpieces.
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ThemuslinclothwithSarah’sbookletinsidewasinplainsight,andbesideit,thequiltwiththemoneyinside.Youcouldseetheshapeofthebundleslayinginthebatting.Iwantedtotuckeverythingfromview,butIdidn’tmove.
Whensheturnedtome,themorningglarefelloverherfaceandtheblackinhereyespulledintoknots.She
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said,“Whomadethis?”“Maumadid.Charlotte.”“Well,it’sgruesome!”Ineverhadwantedto
screamasbadasIdidrightthen.Isaid,“Thosegruesomethingshappenedtoher.”
Adarkpinkcolorpouredintohercheeks.“Forheaven’ssakesthen,youwouldthinkherwholelifewasnothingbutviolenceandcruelty.Imean,itdoesn’t
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showwhatshedidtowarrantherpunishments.”
Shelookedatthequiltagain,hereyesdartingovertheappliqués.“Wetreatedherwellhere,noonecandisputethat.Ican’tspeakforwhathappenedtoherwhensheranaway,shewasoutofourcarethen.”Littlemissuswasrubbingherhandsnowlikeshewascleaningthematthewashbowl.
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Thequilthadshamedher.Shewalkedtothedoorandtookonelookbackatit,andIknewshe’dneverletitstayintheworld.She’dsendHectortogetittheminutewewereoutoftheroom.He’dburnmauma’sstorytoash.
Standingthere,waitingforlittlemissus’stepstofade,Ilookeddownatthequilt,attheslavesflyinginthesky,andIhatedbeingaslave
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worsethanbeingdead.ThehateIfeltforitglitteredsofullofbeautyIsankdownonthefloorbeforeit.
Sky’shairwasabushelbasketwithoutherscarfandwhenshebentovertoseeaboutme,theendsofitpokedmyfaceandsmelledlikethebristle-brush.Shesaid,“Youallright?”
Ilookedupather.“We’releavinghere.”
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Sheheardme,butshecouldn’tbesure.Shesaid,“Whatyousay?”
“Wegonnaleavehereordietrying.”
Skypulledmetomyfeetlikepluckingaflower,andIsawDenmark’sfacesettleintohers,thatdayherodetohisdeathsittingonacoffin.I’dalwayswantedfreedom,butthereneverhadbeenaplacetogoandnowaytoget
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there.Thatdidn’tmatteranymore.Iwantedfreedommorethanthenextbreath.We’dleave,ridingonourcoffinsifwehadto.Thatwasthewaymaumahadlivedherwholelife.Sheusedtosay,yougottofigureoutwhichendoftheneedleyou’regonbe,theonethat’sfastenedtothethreadortheendthatpiercesthecloth.
Iliftedthequiltfromthe
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frameandfoldeditup,thinkingofthefeathersinsideit,andinsidethefeathers,thememoryofthesky.
“Here,”Isaid,layingthequiltinSky’sarms.“Igottogomendthatwoman’scape.PutthequiltinthegunnysackandtakeittoGoodisandtellhimtohideitwiththehorseblanketsanddon’tletanybodynearit.”
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MendinghercapewasnotallIdid.Itooklittlemissus’seal-stamprightoffherdeskwhileshewasstandingintheroomandIdroppeditinmypocket.
Iwaitedtilldarktowritemyletter.
23April1838DearSarahIhopethismakesit
toyou.MeandSkywill
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beleavinghereordietrying.That’showweputit.Idon’tknowhowwe’redoingit,butwe’vegotmauma’smoney.Allweneedisaplacetocometo.Ihavetheaddressonthisletter.IhopeIseeyouagainoneday.
YourfriendHandful
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SarahTheweddingtookplaceinahouseonSpruceStreetinPhiladelphiaonMay14attwoo’clockintheafternoon—adayfullofglintingsunlightandpaleblueclouds.Itwasthesortofdaythatseemedsharplyrealandnotrealatall.Iremember
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standinginthediningroomwatchingitunfoldasiffromadistance,asifIwasclimbingupfromthebottomofsleep,comingupfromthecoolsheetstoanewday,onelifeendingandanotherbeginning.
Motherhadsentanoteofcongratulation,whichwehadn’texpected,beggingustosendaletterdescribingtheweddingindetail.Whatwill
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Ninawear?she’dasked.Oh,thatIcouldseeher!Naturally,she’dconveyedhowrelievedshewasthatNinahadahusbandnowandshehopedwewouldbothretirefromtheunnaturallifewe’dbeenliving,butdespitethat,herletterwasplaintivewiththeloveofanagingmother.Shecalledusherdeardaughtersandlamentedthedistancebetweenus.Will
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Iseeyouagain?shewrote.Thequestionhauntedmefordays.
IgazedatNinaandTheodorestandingnowbeforethewindowabouttosaytheirvows,orasNinahadphrasedit,whateverwordstheirheartsgavethematthemoment,andIthoughtitjustaswellMotherwasnothere.Shewould’veexpectedNinatobeinivorylace,perhaps
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bluelinen,carryingrosesorlilies,butNinahaddismissedallofthatasunoriginalandembarkedonaweddingdesignedtoshockthemasses.
Shewaswearingabrowndressmadefromfree-laborcottonwithabroadwhitesashandwhitegloves,andshe’dmatchedupTheodoreinabrowncoat,awhitevest,andbeigepantaloons.Sheclutchedahandfulofwhite
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rhododendronscutfreshfromthebackyard,andInoticedshe’dtuckedaspriginthebuttonholeofTheodore’scoat.Motherwouldn’thavemadeitpastthebrowndress,muchlesstheopeningprayer,whichhadbeendeliveredbyaNegrominister.
WhenthePhiladelphianewspaperannouncedthewedding,alludingtothemixed-raceguestsexpectedto
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attend,we’dworriedtheremightbedemonstrators—slursandshoutsandrockswhizzingby—butmercifully,noonehadshowedupbutthoseinvited.SarahMappsandGracewerehere,alongwithseveralfreedslaveswithwhomwewereacquainted,andwe’dtimedtheweddingtocoincidewiththeAnti-SlaveryConventioninthecitysothatsomeofthemost
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prominentabolitionistsinthecountrywereintheroom:Mr.Garrison,Mr.andMrs.GerritSmith,HenryStanton,theMotts,theTappans,theWestons,theChapmans.
Itwouldbecomeknownastheabolitionwedding.
Ninawasspeakingnow,herfaceturneduptoTheodore’s,andIthoughtsuddenly,involuntarilyofIsraelandatinygriefcame
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overme.Everytimeithappened,itwaslikecominguponanemptyroomIdidn’tknowwasthere,andsteppingin,Iwouldbepiercedbyit,bytheghostoftheonewho’doncefilleditup.Ididn’tstumbleintothisplacemuchanymore,butwhenIdid,ithollowedoutlittlepiecesofmychest.
GazingatNina,radiantNina,Ipicturedmyselfinher
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place,Israelbesideme,thetwoofussayingvows,andtheideaofsuchathingcuredme.ItwasthetruthIalwayscamebackto,thatIdidn’twantIsraelanymore,Ididn’twanttobemarriednow,andyetthephantomofwhatmight’vebeen,theterribleallureofitcouldstillsnatchme.
Closingmyeyes,Igavemyheadashaketoclearthe
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remnantsoflongingaway,andwhenIlookedbackatthebrideandgroom,thereweredragonfliesdartingbeyondthewindow,agreentempest,andthenitwasgone.
Ninapromisedaloudtoloveandhonorhim,carefullyomittingthewordobey,andTheodorelaunchedintoanawkwardmonologue,deploringthelawsthatgavecontrolofawife’spropertyto
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thehusbandandrenouncingallclaimtoNina’s,andthenhecoughedself-consciously,asifcatchinghimself,andprofessedhislove.
We’dputtheconfrontationinMrs.Whittier’scottagebehindus,notthatTheodoreeverfullyconcededhisposition,buthe’dsoftenedhisrhetoricafterthatday,asanymaninlovewould.Theabolition
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movementhadsplitintotwocampsjustasthemenpredicted,andNinaandIbecameevenworsepariahs,butithadsetthecauseofwomeninmotion.
I’dbeenpresentwhenNinaopenedthelettercontainingTheodore’sproposal.IthadcomelatelastwinterduringalongreprieveinPhiladelphiawithSarahMappsandGrace,aswe’d
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preparedforaseriesoflecturesattheBostonOdeon.Readingit,she’ddroppedthepagesontoherlapandbrokenintotears.Whenshereadittome,Icriedtoo,butmytearswereamixofjoyandwretchednessandfear.Iwantedthismarriageforher,Iwantedherhappinessasmuchasmyown,butwherewouldIgo?FordaysIcouldn’tconcentrateonthe
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lectureIwastryingtowriteorhidethebereftfeelingIcarriedinside.Icouldn’tbeartothinkoflifewithouther,lifealone,butneitherdidIwanttobetheburdensomerelativelivinginthebackroom,gettingintheway,andIcouldn’timagineTheodorewouldwantmethere.
ThenonedayNinacametome,ploppingonthefootstoolbesidemychairin
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SarahMapps’frontroom.WithoutawordsheopenedherBibleandreadaloudthepassageinwhichRuthspeakstoNaomi:
Entreatmenottoleavethee,ortoreturnfromfollowingafterthee:forwhitherthougoest,Iwillgo;andwherethoulodgest,Iwilllodge;thypeoplewillbemypeople,andthyGodmyGod.Wherethoudiest,willIdie,
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andtherewillIbeburied.TheLorddosotome,andmorealso,ifoughtbutdeathparttheeandme.
ClosingtheBible,shesaid,“Wecan’tbeseparated,itisn’tpossible.YoumustcomeandlivewithmeafterI’mmarried.Theodoreaskedmetotellyouthatmywishisalsohiswish.”
TheodorehadboughtasmallfarminFortLee,New
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Jersey.Wewouldmakeanoddtrinitythere,thethreeofus,butIwouldstillhaveNina.Wecouldgoonwritingandworkingforabolitionandforwomen,andIwouldhelpwiththehouse,andwhentherewerechildren,Iwouldbeauntie.Onelifeending,anotherbeginning.
Inthediningroom,theministerwasofferingaprayer,andforsomereasonI
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didn’tclosemyeyesasIalwaysdid,butwatchedNinareachforTheodore’shand.We’dmadeaplanthatIwouldgivethemarriedpairtwoweeksofprivacyandthenjointheminFortLee,butIthoughtnowofMotherandthequestioninherletter,WillIseeyouagain?Itseemedmorethantheelegiacponderinginanoldwoman’sheart,andIwonderedifI
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shouldn’tseizethebreakinourworkandgotoher.
“Whatdoyouknow,wearehusbandandwife,”Ninasaidwhentheprayerended,pronouncingitherself.
Thediningtablesatoutinthegardenlaidwithawhitelinenclothstrewnwithplattersofsweetsandfresh-pickedflowers—foxglove,pink
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azalea,andfeatheryfleabanepetals.TheconfectionerhadicedtheweddingcakewithfrothedeggwhitesanddarkenedthelayerswithmolassesinkeepingwithNina’sbrownandwhitetheme,andtherewasalargebowlofsugaredraspberry-currantjuicewherealloftheteetotalerabolitionistswerelinedup,pretendingithadn’tfermented.I’dconsumeda
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sloshingcupofittooquicklyandmyheadwasfloatingabout.
Iwalkedamongtheguests,somefortyorfiftyofthem,searchingforLucretia,forSarahMappsandGrace,thinking,alittletipsily,Hereareourfriends,ourpeople,andthankGodnooneisspeakingtodayaboutthecrueltiesintheworld.IcameuponMrs.Whittier’sson
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John,whomI’dnotseensinceourhead-to-headlastAugust.Hewasamusingeveryonewithapoemhe’dwrittenthatskeweredTheodoreforbreakinghisvownottomarry.HecomparedhimtothelikesofBenedictArnold.Whenhesawme,hegreetedmelikeasister.
LucretiafoundmebeforeIcouldfindher.Ithadbeen
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years.Beaming,shepulledmetotheedgeofthegardenbesidethebloomingrhododendronwherewecouldbealone.“MydearSarah,Icanscarcelybelievewhatyou’vemanagedtoaccomplish!”
Ablushcrepttomyface.“It’strue,”shesaid.“You
andAngelinaarethemostfamouswomeninAmerica.”
“...Themostnotorious,
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youmean.”Shesmiled.“That,too.”IpicturedLucretiaand
meinherlittlestudio,talkingandtalkingallthoseevenings.ThatfretfulyoungwomanI’dbeen,sostalled,soworriedshewouldneverfindherpurpose.IwishedIcouldgobackandtellheritwouldturnoutallright.
Glancingup,IcaughtsightofSarahMappsand
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Graceacrossthegarden,stridingtowardus.NinaandIhadtraveledalmostconstantlyforthepastyearandahalf,andexceptforourvisitlastwinter,we’dseenlittleofthem.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundthem,alongwithLucretia,who’dknownthembackatArchStreet.
WhenSarahMappspulledaletterfromherpurseandhandedittome,I
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recognizedHandful’swritingimmediately,thoughitboremysisterMary’sseal.Unabletowait,IrippeditopenandreadHandful’sbriefmessagewithasinkingfeeling.TherewerereportsofrunawaysbeginningtofindtheirwayacrosstheOhioRiverfromKentucky,ortoPhiladelphiaandNewYorkfromMaryland,butrarelyfromthatfarsouth.We’releaving
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hereordietrying.“What’sthematter?”
Lucretiasaid.“Youlookshaken.”
Ireadthemtheletter,thenfoldeditback,myhandstremblingvisibly.“...They’llbecaught.Orkilled,”Isaid.
SarahMappsfrowned.“Theymustknowwhatthey’reattempting.They’renotchildren.”
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She’dneverbeentoCharleston.Shehadnoideaofthelawsandedictsthatcontrolledeverymomentofaslave’slife,oftheCityGuard,thecurfew,thepasses,thesearches,thenightwatch,thevigilantecommittees,theslavecatchers,theWorkHouse,theimpossibility,thesheerbrutality.
“They’recomingtous,”Gracesaid,asifithadjust
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sunkin.“Andwe’llwelcome
them,”SarahMappsadded.“Theycanliveinyouroldroomintheattic.Theycanhelpoutattheschool.”
“They’llnevermakeitthisfar,”Isaid.
ItoccurredtomethatHandfulandSkymightalreadyhaveleft,andIopeneduptheletteragaintolookatthedate:23April.
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“Itwaswrittenonlythreeweeksago,”Isaidmoretomyselfthantothem.“...Idoubtthey’veleftbynow.Theremaystillbetimeformetodosomething.”
“Butwhatcouldyoupossiblydo?”Lucretiaasked.
“Idon’tknowifIcandoanything,butIcan’tsithereonmyhands...I’mgoingbacktoCharleston.Icanatleasttryandconvincemy
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mothertosellthemtomesoIcansetthemfree.”
I’daskedbefore,butthistimeIwouldbegherinperson.
Shehadcalledmeherdeardaughter.
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HandfulUpstairsinthealcove,Ipeeredoutthewindowattheharbor,rememberingwhenIwastenyearsoldseeingthewaterforthefirsttime,howtirelessandfarittraveled,makingupthatlittlesong,prancinground,andnowIwascomingonforty-fiveand
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myfeetdidn’tdanceanymore.Theyjustwantedtobegonefromhere.Littlemissushadn’tletmeoutsincethewhipping,buteveryfreechanceIslippeduphere.Sometimesliketoday,Ibroughtmyhandsewingandspentthemorningonthewindowseatwiththeneedle.Littlemissusdidn’tcareaslongasIdidmywork,keptmytongue,bobbedmyhead,
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saidyessum,yessum,yessum.Today,itwashot,thesun
eyeingstraightin.Iopenedthewindowandthewindblewstiff,dredgingupthesmellofmudflats.Frommyperch,IcouldseethesteamboatlandingdownonEastBay.I’dlearnedplentywatchingtheworldcomeandgofromthatdock.Asteamercamemosteveryweekday.I’dwatchthesnagboatply
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aheadofit,clearingtheway,thenI’dhearthepaddleonthesteamerroarandthetugboatshuffandthedockslaveshollerbackandforth,makinghastetograbtheropesandputdowntheplank.
Whenitwastimeforittoleaveagain,I’dwatchthecarriagespullupatthewhitewashbuildingwiththeSteamshipCompanysign,andpeoplewouldgoinside
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andwaitforaspell.Downonthelanding,theslaveswouldunloadtrunksandgoodsandbagsofmailontotheship.Whenteno’clockcame,thepassengerscrossedthestreetandtheslaveshelpedtheladiesoverthegangplank.TheboatneverlefttilltheGuardshowedup.Alwaystwoofthem,sometimesthree,theypassedthroughtheship—firstdeck,seconddeck,
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pilothouse,bottomtotop.Onetimetheyopenedeveryhumpbacktrunkbeforeitwentonboard.That’swhenIknewtheyweresearchingforstowaways,forslaves.
TheThursdayboatwentallthewaytoNewYork,andthenyougotonanotheronegoingtoPhiladelphia—I’dlearnedthatfromreadingtheCharlestonPostandCourier,whichI’dswipedfromthe
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drawingroom.Itprintedalltheschedules,saidtheticketscostfifty-fivedollars.
Today,thesteamboatlandingwasempty,butIwasn’tuphereinthealcovetowatchtheboat,Iwasupheretofigureawaytogetonit.AlltheseweeksI’dbeenpatient.Careful.Yessum,yessum.NowIsatherewiththepalmettosclackinginthewindandthoughtofthegirl
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whobathedinacoppertub.Ithoughtofthewomanwhostoleabulletmold.Ilovedthatgirl,thatwoman.
IwentovereverythingI’dseenoutthereontheharbor,everythingIknew.Isatwithmyhandsstill,myeyesclosed,mymindflyingwiththegulls,theworldtiltinglikeabirdwing.
WhenIstoodup,everyoneofmylimbswasshaking.
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ThenextweekwhenHectorwashandingoutdutiesfortheday,hetoldMinta,gostripthebeddinginthehouseandtakeitouttothelaundryhouse.Ithoughtquickandsaid,“Oh,I’lldothat,poorMinta’sbackishurtingher.”Shelookedatmecurious,butdidn’targue.Youtakearestwhateverwayyoucangetit.
Inthealcovethatday,a
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picturehadsprunginmyhead—dresses.Isawtheblackdressesthemissuseshadworntomourntheirhusbands.Isawtheirspoonbonnetswiththethickblackveilsandtheirblackgloves.Thesethingscametomeclearasthebrightofday.
WhenIgottomissus’room,Ituggedoffthebedlinens,listeningforfootstepsonthestairs,foracane
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pokingitsway,thenIopenedthelastdrawerofherlinenpress.I’dfoldedawaymissus’mourningdress,herbonnetandglovesmyownselfallthoseyearsback.I’dpackedtheminlinenwithcamphorgumtokeepoutthemotheggsandlaidtheminthebottomdrawer.Reachingbackthere,Iworriedtheywerelonggone,thatwhatwardedoffthemothshad
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drawntherats,butthenmyfingersbrushedagainstthelinen.
Ipeekedinsidetheparcel.ItwasstillthegrandestdressI’devermade—blackvelvetstitchedwithhundredsofblackglassbeads.Someofthemhadcomelooseandwerescatter-rollinginthelinenfolds.Theveilonthebonnethadtwospidertearsthatwouldhavetobefixed,
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plusI’dforgotthegloveswerefingerlessmitts.I’dhavetosewfingersonthem.Iwhiskedeverythingintothebedsheets,bundleditup,andtiedatopknot.Leavingitoutsidethedoor,Ihurriedintolittlemissus’room.
Herfuneraloutfitwasstorednearlythesamewayinherbureaubutwithcedarchipsinsteadofcamphor.Ididn’tknowhowwe’dairout
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alltheserowdysmells.WhenIgotherdress,hat,andglovesrolledtightinthesheets,Ithrewbothofthebedbundlesovermybackandwentdownthestairswithmycane,straighttothecellarroom.
ThatnightaftermeandSkyhaddraggedthebedovertoblockthedoor,shetriedonmissus’blackvelvetdressandstoodtherewiththe
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buttonsundone.Thick-waistasmissuswas,I’dstillhavetoletthebodiceoutforSky,addsixinchestothelengthandtwotothesleeves.Shewasherdaddy’sgirl,allright.
Littlemissuswasnormalsize,buttherewasenoughroominsideherdressfortwoofme.
Theonlythingwedidn’thavewasshoes,propershoes.Whatwehadwasslaveshoes
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andthatwouldhavetodo.Istartedtoworkthat
night.Skyfetchedthreadsandshearsformeandwatchedeverystitch.ShesangtheGullahsongshelikedbest,Ifyoudon’tknowwhereyou’regoing,youshouldknowwhereyoucomefrom.
Itoldher,“Weknowwherewe’regoingnow.”
“Yeah,”shesaid.
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“We’llbereadywhenthesteamerleavesThursdayeightdaysfromnow.”
Shepickedupheraprondrapedontherockerandduginthepocket,pullingouttwolittlebottleslikethekindAunt-Sisterusedfortinctures.“Iboiledussomewhiteoleandertea.”
Aquiverranfrommynecktomyfingers.Whiteoleanderwasthemostdeadly
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plantintheworld.AbushhadcaughtfireonHasellStreetandamandroppeddeadjustbreathingthesmoke.ThebrownliquidinSky’sbottlewouldcurlusonthefloorretchingtillthelastbreath,butitwouldn’ttakelong.
“Weleavingordietrying,”Skysaid.
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SarahIarrivedinCharlestonduringathunderstorm.Asthesteamergroanedintotheharbor,lightningtoreriftsintheskyandrainpeltedsideways,andstill,IsteppedoutbeneaththeroofoftheupperdecksoIcouldwatchthecitycomeintoview.I
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hadn’tseenitinsixteenyears.
WechurnedpastFortSumterattheharbor’smouth,whichdidn’tlookmuchfurtheralonginitsconstructionthanwhenI’dsailedaway.Thepeninsulaloomeduplikeanoldmiragerisingfromthewater,thewhitehousesontheBatteryblurredinthegrayrain.ForamomentIfeltthequiet
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hungeringthingthatcomesinsidewhenyoureturntotheplaceofyourorigins,andthentheacheofmis-belonging.Itwasbeautiful,thisplace,anditwassavage.Itswallowedyouandmadeyouapartofitself,orifyouprovedtooinassimilable,itspityououtlikethepitofaplum.
I’dlefthereofmyownwill,andyetitseemedthe
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cityhadbanishedmeinmuchthesamewayI’dbanishedit.Seeingitnowaftersolong,seeingthemarshgrasspitchingwildlyaroundtheedgesofthecity,therooftopshunkeredtogetherwiththeirshipwatchesandwidowwalks,andbehindthem,thesteeplesofSt.Philip’sandSt.Michael’sliftedlikedarkfingers,IwasnotsorryforlovingCharlestonorfor
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leavingit.GeographyhadmademewhoIwas.
Windsweptmybonnetoffthebackofmyhead,thesashcatchingatmyneck,andturningtograbit,Isawthemenacingcouplethroughthewindowofthesalon.TravelinghomeaftersocializinginNewport,they’drecognizedmeshortlyafterwe’dleftNewYork.I’dtriedtokeepalooffrom
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everyone,butthewomanhadstaredatmewithunrelentingcuriosity.“You’retheGrimkédaughter,aren’tyou?”shesaid.“Theonewho—”Herhusbandtookherarmandsteeredherawaybeforeshecouldfinish.She’dmeanttosaytheonewhobetrayedus.
Theyglaredatmenow,atmywetskirtandflutteringbonnet,andIfeltcertainthemanwouldreportmyarrival
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totheauthoritiesassoonaswelanded.Perhapsreturninghadbeenaterriblemistakeafterall.Imovedawayfromthemtothebowoftheboatasacrackofthunderbrokeoverhead,becominglostinthenoiseoftheengine.Charlestonwouldforgiveitsownmanythings,butnotbetrayal.
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IfoundHandfulwithinanhourofmyarrival.Shewassewingintheupstairsalcove,ofallplaces.Whenshesawmestandingthere,sheleaptup,stumblingalittlewithherinfirmleg,droppingtheslaveshirtontheflooralongwiththeneedleandthread.Ireachedtocatchherassherightedherselfandfoundmyselfembracingher,feelingherembracemeback.
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“Igotyourletter,”Itoldher,softly,incasetherewerelisteningearssomewhere.
Sheshookherhead.“Butyoudidn’tcomebackcauseofthat,causeofme.”
“OfcourseIdid,”Isaid.Ipickeduptheshirtandwesatdownonthecushionedwindowseat.
Shewaswearinghercustomaryredscarfandseemedbarelychanged.Her
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eyeswerestilllargeasbowls,thegoldencolordarkenedsomewhat,andshewastinyasever.Notfrailorinsubstantial,butdistilled,concentrated.
Therewasacaneproppedbetweenuswithafancifulcarvingofarabbitonthehandle.Movingittotheside,shesaid,“Youdidn’tcometotryandstopus,didyou?”
“It’sdangerous,
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Handful...I’mafraidforyou.”
“Well,thatmaybe,butI’mmorescaredofbowingandscrapingtoyourmaumaandyoursistertherestofmydays.”
Speakingbarelyaboveawhisper,ItoldheraboutmyplantotryandconvinceMothertosellthetwoofthemtome.
Shelaughedabitter
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sound.“Uhhuh.”Ihadn’texpectedthat.I
lookedpasther,scanningtheharbor,noticingthesteamerinthedistancerinsedcleanbytherain.
SheshiftedherselfonthecushionandIheardthebreathleaveher.“Ijustdon’tseemissusdoingonethingfavorableforme,that’sall.Buthereyouare,allthisway—nobodyelsewould’vedone
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thatforme—soit’sworthatry,andifshe’swillingtosellus,I’llpayyoubackeverythingIgot,fourhundreddollars.”
“Therewouldbenoneed—”
“Well,Iain’tdoingitanyotherway.”
WestoppedtalkingasHector,thebutlerMaryhadinstalled,cameupthestairswithmytrunk,hisgaze
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lingeringlongerthanwascomfortable.Istood.“Ishouldgetsettled.”
“Yougoonandtalktoherthen,”Handfulwhispered.“Butdon’tbewaitingtoolong.”
Iwaitedfourdays.Itseemedimprudenttomaketherequestbeforethat—IwantedMothertobelieveI’d
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returnedsolelytoseeher.Ibroachedthematteron
Tuesdayafternoonwhilewesatinthedrawingroom,Mother,Mary,andI,swishingourfansatthevaporousheat.Alanguidsilencehadfallenthatnoneofusseemedwillingtobreak.We’dexhaustedalltheharmlesssubjects:therainyweather,thespectacularwonderoftherailroadthat
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ranfromCharlestontoSavannah,anexpurgatedversionofNina’swedding,newsofmysiblings,theniecesandnephewsI’dnevermet.IfIhadanychanceatsecuringfreedomforHandfulandSky,wecouldn’tspeakofmyscandalousadventures,whichhadbeeninallthepapers.Norofabolition,slavery,theNorth,theSouth,religion,politics,orthefact
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I’dbeenoutlawedinthecitytheprevioussummer.
“Peoplearetalking,Sarah,”Marysaid,breakingthelull.SheexchangedalookwithMother,andIglimpsedhowinsteptheywerewithoneanother,howalike.Anechooflonelinessreverberatedfrommygirlhood,andIfeltagainliketheodd-child-out.Evennow.IheardBinah’svoice
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somewhereinmymemory,PoorMissSarah.Theseirrationalchildishfeelings,wherehadtheycomefromsuddenly?
“Rumorsarerunningrampantthatyou’vereturned,”Marywassaying.“It’sonlyamatteroftimebeforethesheriffarrivestoinquireaboutit,andifyou’rehere,I’mnotsurewhatyouexpectustosay.Wecan
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hardlyhideyoulikeafugitive.”
IturnedtoMother,watchinghereyesveerawaytowardthepiazza.Thewindowswereopenandthechocolatysmelloftheoleanderstreamedin,sickeninglythick.
“Youwishmetoleave?”“It’snotamatterofwhat
wewish,”Mothersaid.“Iftheauthoritiescome,I
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wouldn’tgiveyouovertothem,ofcoursenot.You’remydaughter.You’restillaGrimké.Weonlysuggestitwouldbeeasierallaroundifyoucutyourvisitshort.”
Tomysurprise,hereyesfilled.Shewasplumpnowwiththinnedwhitehairandoneofthoseancientfacesthat’sdeeplycobblestoned.Shepeeredatmeasthetearsstartedtospill,andIleftmy
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chairandwenttoher.Bendingdownawkwardly,Iputmyarmsabouther.
Sheclungtomeaninstant,thenstraightened.Insteadofreturningtomyseat,Ipacedtowardthewindowandback,gatheringmybravery.
“Iwon’tputyouatrisk,I’llleaveonthenextsteamer,butbeforeIgo,Ihavearequest.Iwouldliketo
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purchaseHettyandhersister,Sky.”
“Purchasethem?”Marysaid.“Butwhy?Youhardlybarterinslaves.”
“Mary,forheaven’ssake,shemeanstofreethem,”Mothersaid.
“I’llofferyouanyamount.”IwalkedtoMother’sside.“Please.Iwouldconsideritagreatkindnesstome.”
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MaryroseandcametotheothersideofMother’schair.“Wecan’tpossiblydowithoutHetty,”shesaid.“TherearefewseamstressesinCharlestontomatchher.She’sirreplaceable.Theotheroneisexpendable,butnotHetty.”
Motherstaredatherhands.Hershouldersmovedupanddownwithherbreath,andIbegantofeelaprickof
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hope.“Therearelawsthatmake
itdifficult,”shesaid.“Emancipatingthemwouldrequireaspecialactofthelegislature.”
“Difficult,butitcouldbedone,”Iresponded.
Somethinginsideofherseemedtobend,toarchtowardme.Marysensedit,too.Sheplacedherhandonourmother’s,linkingthetwo
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ofthem.Shesaid,“Wecan’tdowithoutHetty.Andwemustthinkofher,aswell.Wherewillshego?Whowilltakecareofher?Shehasahomehere.”
“Thisisnotherhome,it’sherprison,”Isaid.
Marystiffened.“Wedon’tneedyoutocomehereandlectureusaboutslavery.Iwon’tstandhereanddefendittoyou.It’sourwayoflife.”
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Herwordsinfuriatedme.IwonderedforamomentifholdingmytonguewouldhelpmycausewithMother.Wasiteverrighttosacrificeone’struthforexpedience?Motherwoulddowhatshewoulddo,wouldn’tshe?IwonderedhowitwaspossibleI’dfoundmywordsoutthereintheworld,butcouldlosetheminthehousewhereIwasborn.
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Itgavewayinsideofme—yearsofbeinghere,co-existingwiththeuntenable.“Yourwayoflife!Whatdoesthatjustify?Slaveryisahell-concoctedsystem,itcannotbedefended!”
SmallredwaferssplotchedalongMary’sneck.“Godhasordainedthatwetakecareofthem,”shesaid,flusterednow,spluttering.
Itookasteptowardher,
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myoutragebreakingopen.“YouspeakasifGodwaswhiteandSouthern!Asifwesomehowownedhisimage.Youspeaklikeafool.TheNegroisnotsomeotherkindofcreaturethanweare.Whitenessisnotsacred,Mary!Itcan’tgoondefiningeverything.”
Idoubtanyonehadeverspokentoherinsuchamanner,andsheturnedaway
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fromme,takenaback.Icouldn’texplainthat
risingup,thiscomingfullytomyself,theaudacityandauthoritymylifehadfound.Ittookmeaback,aswell,andIclosedmyeyes,andIblessedit.ItwaslikearrivingfinallyintheplaceI’dleft,andIfeltthenIwouldneverbeanexileagain.
Motherliftedherhand.“Thishastiredme,”shesaid
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andstruggledtoherfeetwithheroldgold-tipcane.Shewalkedtothedoor,thenturnedback,levelinghereyesonmine.“Iwon’tsellHettyorSkytoyou,Sarah.I’msorrytodisappointyou,butIwillcompromise.”
Inthedarknessofthecellar,thesoundofmyknockingseemedlostandswallowed
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up.Itwaspastmidnight.I’dwaiteduntilnowtofindHandful,slippingdownherewhenthehousewasasleep,stillwearingmysleepingclothes.Thelanternswayedinmyhand,swivelingtheshadows,asIrappedagainonHandful’sdoor.Comeon,Handful,wakeup.
“Who’soutthere?”Hervoicesoundedalarmedandmuffledbehindthedoor.
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“It’sallright.It’sme,it’sSarah.”
Shemadeaslitinthedoor,thenletmeinside.Sheheldacandlethatflickeredbeneathherchin.Hereyesappearedalmostluminous.
“I’msorrytowakeyou,butwemusttalk.”
Acrosstheroom,Skywassittingupinherbed,herhairsplayedoutlikeagreatdarkfan.Isatthelanterndown
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andnoddedather.Soonaftermyarrival,I’dseenherintheornamentalgarden,downonherknees,diggingwithatrowel.Thegardenhadbeenturnedintoakindofwonderland,acloisterofcolorfulblooms,groomedshrubberies,andwindingpaths,andI’dgoneoutthereasiftotakeastroll.Skyhadn’twaitedformetoapproachher,butpushedto
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herfeetandstrodeovertome,smellingoffreshdirtandgreenplants.Shedidn’tlooklikeHandful,orCharlotteeitherforthatmatter.Shewasstrapping.Shelookedferalandcunningtome.Shesaid,“YouSarah?”WhenIsaidIwas,shegrinned.“HandfulsaidyouthebestoftheGrimkés.”
“I’mnotsurethat’ssayingagreatdeal,”I
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answered,smilingather.“Maybenot,”shesaid,
andIlikedherinstantly.Iglancedaboutthecellar
room,alittlemorecrowdednowwithtwobeds.They’dshovedthemtogethersidebysidebeneaththewindow.
“Whatisit?”Handfulsaid,butbeforeIcouldspeak,Isawitdawnonher.“Yourmaumawon’tsellus,willshe?”
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“No,I’msorry.Sherefused.But—”
“Butwhat?”“Shedidagreetofree
bothofyouuponherdeath.Shesaidshewouldhavethepaperdrawnupandaddedtoherwill.”
Handfulstoodwiththelightpuddlingaroundherandstaredatme.Itwasnotwhatanyofuswanted,butitwassomething.
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“She’sseventy-four,”Isaid.
“She’lloutlivethelastcockroach,”Handfulsaid.ShelookedatSky.“We’llbeleavingheredayaftertomorrow.”
Iwasrelievedandterrifiedinthesamemoment.Istudiedthecompactdefiancethatmadeupsomuchofwhoshewas.Isaid,“TellmehowIcanhelp.”
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HandfulThenightbeforeweweretotakeourleave,meandSkyscurriedinthedark,collectingeverythingtogether.Westoleouttothestabletogetmauma’squiltfromthehorseblankets,trekkingcrosstheworkyardwiththestarspouringdown.
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WeclimbeduptoSarah’sroomfromthecellartothesecondfloor,threetrips,carryingquilts,blackdresses,hats,veils,gloves,andhankies.Upanddown,meandmylamefoot,passingrightbymissus’andlittlemissus’doors.Wewentinstockingfeet,takingsoftstepslikethefloormightsink.
Onthelasttrip,Sarah
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lockedthedoorbehindus,andIhadatarnishmemoryofherscreeningthekeyholewhileshetaughtmetoread,howwewhisperedbythelamplightlikeweweredoingnow.Ihungourdressesinherwardrobe.Theyfitustailor-made.Theveilswerepressedperfect,andI’dsprinkledthevelvetandcrepewithmissus’lavenderwatersotheyhadawhiteladyscent.I’dsewed
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pocketsontheinsideofthedressestoholdourmoney,alongwithSarah’sbooklet,mauma’sredscarf,andtheaddressinPhiladelphiawherewehopedtoendup.
Skysaidtherabbitwasoutfoxingthefox.
SarahopenedhersteamertrunkandIrestedmauma’sstoryquiltonthesatinliningatthebottom.I’dbroughtthequiltwithredsquaresand
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blacktriangles,hopingtopackit,too—thefirstblackbirdwingsIeversewed—butnowthatIsawhowlittlethetrunkwas,Ifeltbadfortakingupthepreciousspace.Isaid,“Icanleavethisbehind.”
Sarahtookitfrommeandlaiditinthetrunk.“Iwouldratherleavemydresses—they’renotworthmuch.”
Iknewtheperilsofwhat
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shewasdoingsameasshedid.Ireadthepapers.Twentyyearsinprisonforcirculatingpublicationsofaseditiousnature.Twentyyearsforassistingaslavetoescape.
Iwatchedherfoldherfewbelongingsontopofthequiltsandthought,Thisain’tthesameSarahwholefthere.Shehadafirmlookinhereyeandhervoicedidn’tditherandhesitatelikeitusedto.
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She’dbeenboileddowntoagood,strongbroth.
Herhairwasloose,danglingalongthesidesofhernecklikesilkvines,liketheredthreadsIusedtotieroundthespirittree,andIsawitthen,thestrangethingbetweenus.Notlove,isit?Whatisit?Itwasalwaysthere,aroundnessinmychest,apincushion.Itprickedandfastened.Those
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girlsontheroofwiththeteagonecoldinthecup.
Shebroughttheliddownonthetrunk.
ItoldSky,goondowntothecellarandrestandI’llbethereinawhile—Ihadonetasklefttodobymyself.ThenIeaseddownthestairs,outthebackdoor,andlopedoffwithmycanetothespirittree.
Underthebranches,the
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moonlightsplattedonmefromtheleaves.Ifelttheowlsblinkandthewinddrawabreath.WhenIlookedbackatthehouse,therewasmaumaintheupstairswindowlookingdown,waitingtothrowmeataffy.Shewasstandingoutintherutsofthecarriagewaywithherleghitchedupbehindherandthestraproundherneck.Shesatquietagainstthetree
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trunkwithsewinginherlap.Ibentdownandgathered
upahandfulofclippingsfromthetree—acorns,twigs,atired,dog-earedleaf—andstuffedtheminsidemyneckpouch.ThenItookmyspirit.
Nextmorning,weactedsameasalways.Skywenttothevegetablegardenwiththepickingbasketandplucked
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theripetomatoesandlettucetops.Missushadmerubbingherivoryfanswithsandpapertoscrubofftheyellowtint.Iworkedinthealcovewiththescrapeofthepaper,eyeingthesteamship.Thewaterontheharborwasrufflinglikedressflounces.
Sarahwasdownthehallwayinthewithdrawingroomwithmissushavingherlastgoodbye.Shewouldn’t
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seehermaumaagain.Sheknewthat,andmissusknewthat.Theairinthehousesoundedlikealongnoteontheharpsichord.Downstairs,Sarah’strunkwaslockedandreadybythefrontdoor,everythinginside—mauma’sstory,theflockofblackbirds.
Thechimingclocksangout,andIcountedthenotes,nineofthem,andSarahcameoutofthewithdrawingroom
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withhereyesstingingbright.Isetdowntheivoryfansandfollowedhertoherroom,leavingtherabbitcanebehind,leaningagainstthewindow.
Sarahwaswearingapalegraydresswithabigsilverbuttonatthecollar,thatsamebuttonfromwhenshewasagirl,pinningallherhopesonit.Steppingoutthroughthejibdoortothepiazza,she
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peeredovertherailatSkyintheornamentgardenandgaveherawave.Thatmeant,Leaveyourplantsandflowersandcomeinside.Passbythehouseslaves.Iflittlemissusstopsyou,say,Sarahsummonedme.
WhenSkytappedonthedoor,Iwasalreadyinmydress,myfacepattedwithwhiteflourgum.Shesmiled.Shesaid,“Youlooklikea
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haint.”“Wasanyoneabout?”
Sarahasked.“NobodybutHector.He
saytotellyouGoodisgonbringthecarriagenow.”
IdidupthebackofSky’sdressandhelpedherpaintherface,andnobodyspokeaword.Sarah’sbrowwasfurrowedtight.Shewalkedtoandfrocrosstheroom,adrawstringpurseswingingon
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herarm.Wetuggedonourgloves.
Wefixedonourhats.Wedrewtheveilsdowntoourwaists.Thetinybottlesofoleanderjuice,wetuckedinsideoursleeves—Sarahdidn’tneedtoknowaboutthat.
Frombehindtheveil,theroomlookedfaintlikethehazebeforedaybreak.
Iheardthehorseclop
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alongthesideofthehouse,comingfromtheworkyard,andmystomachtipped.I’dtriednottosetmyhearttoohigh,triednottothinkaboutthefreeblackwomenupnorthwantingtotakeusin,theatticintheirhousewiththechimneyrunningthroughit,butIcouldn’tholdbackanymore.Wecouldhelpthemwiththeirschoolandwithmakingtheirhats.Icouldsew
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quiltstosell.Skycouldmakeagarden.
Sarahhandedmehermauma’sgold-tipcane.Thenshelookedusoverandsaid,“Iwouldn’tknowyouonthestreet.”
Wewentswiftdownthestaircase.Iflittlemissushappenedby,thenshehappenedby.Keepgoingwasall.Don’tstopfornobody.Reachingthebottomrung,I
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sawtheemptyplacewherethesteamertrunksatearlier,andthenHectorbythedoor,boringtwoholesinuswithhiseyes.
Sarahspoketohim.“Motheraskedmetoprovidehervisitorswitharidetotheirhome.Youmaygo.Goodiswillassistusfromhere.”
Hectoreasedoffdownthepassageway.Thatwayhe
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lookedatus—didheknow?Littlemissuswasnowheretobeseen.
Westeppedthroughthefrontdoorandtheworldrushedup.IlookedbackatSkyandsawatraceofwhitenessfloatbehindherveil.
WhenGoodisdrewthecarriageuptotheSteamboat
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Companysign,theheathadgatheredthickunderourveils.Sweatrivereddownournecks.Skyliftedthegulliesofherskirtforsomeairandthesmelloflavenderandbodystenchdriftedout.
Helpingmefromthecarriage,Goodiswhispered,“Lord,Handful,whatyoudoing?”
Wehadn’tfooledhim,andforwhatIknew,Hector
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might’vefigureditout,too.IpeeredbacktoseeifhewaschargingdownEastBayintheSulkywithlittlemissus.
Isaid,“Goodis,I’msorry,butwe’releaving.Don’tgiveusaway.”
HepressedhislipstogetherandIfelttheplacesonmethey’dtouched.HewasthebestmanIknew.Withoutmeaningforit,myhearthadgottangledwith
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his.Hesqueezedmyhand,his
facedimthroughthedarkcurtain.Hesaid,“Youtakecareyourself,girl.”
Wewaitedforthetickets,waitedtoboardtheship,waitedforsomebodytosay,Who’reyou?
Whenwewalkedcrossthegangplank,thebreezeliftedandtheboatrocked.Ithoughtaboutmissusandher
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devotions.We’dbeenthroughtheBibleandbackwiththatwoman.NowwewereJesuswalkingonwater.
Weclimbedpastthetrunks,barrels,bales,andcrates,pasttheboilertotheseconddeck,andsatdownonabenchinthesalontowaitfortheGuardtopassthrough.Theroomwaspaintedwhitewithtablesalongsidethewindows,allofthemnailed
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tothefloor.Peoplestoodintwosandthrees,intheirbestclothes,incloudsofpipesmoke,andnowandthentheyglancedourway,curiousabouttheblackgriefwewore.Sarahsatashortspaceapartfromusandkeptherheadtuckedlowinsideherbonnet.
Whenthetwoguardslumberedin,IheardSky’sbreathpickup.Oneguard
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patrolledtheleftside,onetheright.Theynoddedatfolks,makingtalkhereandthere.Lookingdown,IsawthetoesofSky’sslaveshoesstickingoutfromunderherfinedress.Thescrabblebrownshoes,thescraped-upsadnessofthem.
Hestoppedbeforeus.Hesaid,“Where’reyoutravelingto?”Talkingtome.
Myslavetonguewould
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belikethetipofSky’sshoes,givingusaway.Iliftedmyheadandlookedathim.Hisguardcapwascockedsidewaysonhishead.Hehadnewblondwhiskersandgreeneyes.Behindhim,throughthesmudgedwindow,Isawthewatershimmer.
“Mam?”hesaid.Sarahshiftedonthe
bench.Iworriedshewas
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windinguptosaysomething,thatSkywouldstarthummingnow,thatthefrightspring-coiledinsidemewouldbreakloose.ThenIrememberedthewidowdressIwaswearing.ImadeasoundwithmylipslikeIwastryingtogivehimananswer,butchokingonthewords,seizedbymygrief,andIdidn’thavetopretendthatmuch.Ifeltsorrowformy
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life,forwhatI’dlivedandseenandknown,forwhatwaslosttome,andtheweepingturnedreal.
Asoftwailcamefrominsidemeandhetookastepback.Hesaid,“I’msorryforyourloss,mam.”
Ashemovedon,awhitedropfellfrommychin,flourploppingonmyskirt.
Theenginecaughtandashudderranthroughthe
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bench.Thencamethesmellofoilandspewingsmoke.Thepassengersleftthesalonforthedecktowavetheirhankiesfarewell,andwewent,too,outwherethewharfslavesweretossingtheheavyropes.Faroff,thechurchbellsrangonSt.Michael’s.
Westoodatthebow,thethreeofus,holdingtherailtight,waiting.Thegulls
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wheeledby,andthesteamerlurched,pitchingforward.Whenthepaddlesstartedtoroll,Sarahputherhandonmyarmandleftittherewhilethecityheavedaway.Itwasthelastsquareonthequilt.
Ithoughtofmaumathen,howherboneswouldalwaysbehere.Peoplesaydon’tlookback,thepastispast,butIwouldalwayslookback.
IwatchedCharlestonfall
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awayinthemorninglight.Whenweleftthemouth
oftheharbor,thewindswelledandtheveilsroundusflapped,andIheardtheblackbirdwings.Werodeontotheshiningwater,ontothefardistance.
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AUTHOR’SNOTE
In2007,ItraveledtoNewYorktoseeJudyChicago’sTheDinnerPartyattheBrooklynMuseum.Atthetime,Iwasinthemidstofwritingamemoir,TravelingwithPomegranates,withmydaughter,AnnKiddTaylor,andIwasn’tthinkingaboutmynextnovel.Ihadnoidea
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whatitmightbeabout,onlyavaguenotionthatIwantedtowriteabouttwosisters.Whothosesisterswere,whenandwheretheylived,andwhattheirstorymightbehadnotyetoccurredtome.
TheDinnerPartyisamonumentalpieceofart,celebratingwomen’sachievementsinWesterncivilization.Chicago’sbanquettablewithits
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succulentplacesettingshonoring39femaleguestsofhonorrestsuponaporcelaintiledfloorinscribedwiththenamesof999otherwomenwhohavemadeimportantcontributionstohistory.Itwaswhilereadingthose999namesontheHeritagePanelsintheBiographicGallerythatIstumbleduponthoseofSarahandAngelinaGrimké,sistersfromCharleston,
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SouthCarolina,thesamecityinwhichIthenlived.HowcouldIhavenotheardofthem?
Leavingthemuseumthatday,IwonderedifI’ddiscoveredthesistersIwantedtowriteabout.BackhomeinCharleston,asIbegantoexploretheirlives,Ibecamepassionatelycertain.
Asitturnedout,I’dbeendrivingbytheGrimkésisters’
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unmarkedhouseforoveradecade,unawarethesetwowomenwerethefirstfemaleabolitionagentsandamongtheearliestmajorAmericanfeministthinkers.SarahwasthefirstwomanintheUnitedStatestowriteacomprehensivefeministmanifesto,andAngelinawasthefirstwomantospeakbeforealegislativebody.Inthelate1830s,theywere
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arguablythemostfamous,aswellasthemostinfamous,womeninAmerica,yettheyseemedonlymarginallyknown,eveninthecityoftheirorigins.MyignoranceofthemfeltlikebothapersonalfailingandaconfirmationofChicago’sviewthatwomen’sachievementshadbeenrepeatedlyerasedthroughhistory.
SarahandAngelinawere
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bornintothepowerandwealthofCharleston’saristocracy,asocialclassthatderivedfromEnglishconceptsoflandedgentry.Theywereladiesofpietyandgentility,whomovedintheelitecirclesofsociety,andyetfewnineteenth-centurywomenever“misbehaved”sothoroughly.Theyunderwentalong,painfulmetamorphosis,breaking
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fromtheirfamily,theirreligion,theirhomeland,andtheirtraditions,becomingexilesandeventuallypariahsinCharleston.FifteenyearsbeforeHarrietBeecherStowewroteUncleTom’sCabin,whichwaswhollyinfluencedbyAmericanSlaveryAsItIs,apamphletwrittenbySarah,Angelina,andAngelina’shusband,TheodoreWeld,andpublishedin1839,the
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Grimkésisterswereoutcrusadingnotonlyfortheimmediateemancipationofslaves,butforracialequality,anideathatwasradicalevenamongabolitionists.AndtenyearsbeforetheSenecaFallsConvention,initiatedbyLucretiaMottandElizabethCadyStanton,theGrimkéswerefightingabruisingbattleforwomen’srights,takingthefirstblowsofbacklash.
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AsIreadaboutthesisters,IwasdrawnmoreandmoretoSarahandwhatshe’dovercome.Beforesteppingontothepublicstage,sheexperiencedintenselongingsforavocation,crushedhopes,betrayal,unrequitedlove,loneliness,self-doubt,ostracism,andsuffocatingsilence.Itseemedtomeshehadinventedherwingsnotsomuchinspiteofthesethings,
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butbecauseofthem.Whatcompelledmeasmuchasherlifeasareformerwasherlifeasawoman.Howdidshebecomewhoshewas?
MyaimwasnottowriteathinlyfictionalizedaccountofSarahGrimké’shistory,butathicklyimaginedstoryinspiredbyherlife.Duringmyresearch,delvingintodiaries,letters,speeches,newspaperaccounts,and
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Sarah’sownwriting,aswellasahugeamountofbiographicalmaterial,Iformedmyownunderstandingofherdesires,struggles,andmotivations.ThevoiceandinnerlifeI’vegivenSaraharemyowninterpretation.
I’veattemptedtoremaintruetothebroadhistoricalcontoursofSarah’slife.I’veincludedinthesepagesmost
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ofhersignificanteventsandformativeexperiences,alongwithanenormousamountoffactualdetail.OccasionallyI’veusedSarah’sownwordsfromherwritings.Herlettersinthenovel,however,aremyowninvention.
ThemostexpansiveandnotablewaythatI’vedivergedfromSarah’srecordisthroughherimaginaryrelationshipwiththefictional
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characterofHettyHandful.FromthemomentIdecidedtowriteaboutSarahGrimké,Ifeltcompelledtoalsocreatethestoryofanenslavedcharacter,givingheralifeandavoicethatcouldbeentwinedwithSarah’s.IfeltIcouldn’twritethenovelotherwise,thatbothoftheirworldswouldhavetoberepresentedhere.ThenIcameuponatantalizingdetail.Asa
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girl,SarahwasgivenayoungslavenamedHettytobeherwaitingmaid.AccordingtoSarah,theybecameclose.DefyingthelawsofSouthCarolinaandherownjuristfatherwhohadhelpedtowritethoselaws,SarahtaughtHettytoread,forwhichtheywerebothseverelypunished.There,however,endstheshortnarrativeofHetty.Nothingfurtherisknownof
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herexceptthatshediedofanunspecifieddiseaseashortwhilelater.Iknewrightawaythatherswastheotherhalfofthestory.IwouldtrytobringHettytolifeagain.Iwouldimaginewhatmighthavebeen.
Inaddition,I’vecreatedandextrapolatednumerousothereventsinSarah’slife,graftingfictionontotruthinordertoservethestory.It’s
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well-recorded,forexample,thatSarahwasapoorpublicspeakerandstruggledtoexpressherselfverbally,butthere’snoindicationsheeverhadaspeechimpediment,asI’veportrayed.SarahdidreturntoCharlestoninthemonthsbeforetheDenmarkVeseyplot,asI’vewritten,mostlikelytryingtoescapeherfeelingsforIsraelMorris,andwhilethere,shemadeher
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anti-slaveryviewspublic,incitingconfrontations,buthervolatileencounteronthestreetwithanofficeroftheSouthCarolinamilitiaisallmydoing.AndwhileSarahknewLucretiaMott,attendingthesameArchStreetMeetinghouseandfindinginspirationinMott’slifeasaQuakerminister,sheneverboardedinMott’shouse.Thesameistrueof
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SarahMappsDouglass,whoalsoattendedArchStreetMeetinghouse.ThetwoSarahsbecamelastingfriends,butSarahandAngelinadidnottakerefugeinSarahMapps’atticafterAngelina’sincendiaryletterwaspublishedinTheLiberator.NolongercomfortableorwelcomeinthehomeofCatherineMorris,theyfoundaplace
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withfriendsinRhodeIslandandelsewhere.IfabricatedtheatticprimarilytocreateafuturesanctumforHandfulandSky.ThesearejustafewofthewaysI’veblendedfactandfiction.
Hereandthere,I’vetakensmalllibertieswithtime.ThetreadmillinsidetheWorkHouseuponwhichIimaginedHandfulbecomingcrippledwasalltooreal,butI’ve
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predatedthetreadmill’sinstallationtherebysevenyears.TheraidontheAfricanchurchinCharlestonthatradicalizedDenmarkVeseytookplaceinJune1818,ayearearlierthanI’vedepictedit.Ialsopredatedthealphabetsong,whichIdescribedSarahsingingtothechildreninColoredSundaySchool,whereshedidinfactteach.AndwhileAngelina’sletter
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totheabolitionistnewspaperwasindeedthefulcrumthatpropelledthesistersintothepublicarena,Sarahdidnotcometotermswithhersister’spublicdeclarationrightaway,asI’vesuggested.Sarahwasoftenslowerwithherturningpointsthananovelistwouldwish.Ittookherafullyearbeforefinallylettinggoandthrowingherselfintotherevolutionary
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workthatwouldbecomehergreatflourishing.IalsofeelcompelledtomentionthatSarahandAngelinawerenotimmediatelyexpelledfromtheirconservativebranchoftheQuakers,butAngelina’sletterdidcreatecondemnation,reprimands,andthreatsofdisownmentbythecommitteeofOverseers.Thesisterswereactuallyexpelledsomethreeyears
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later—Angelinaformarryinganon-QuakerandSarahforattendingthewedding.
ThestrangeandmovingsymbiosisthatbeganwhenSarahbecamehersister’sgodmotherattheageoftwelvemakesmethinktheywouldn’tmindtoomuchthatoccasionallyI’veborrowedsomethingAngelinasaidordidandgivenittoSarah.Oneofthemoreglaringexamples
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ofthishastodowiththeanti-slaverypamphletstheywroteappealingtothewomenandclergyoftheSouth.Angelinacameupwiththeideafirst,notSarah,andshewroteherpamphletayearaheadofSarah.Nevertheless,onceSarahdivedintocomposingherownessays,shebecamethemoreaccomplishedtheoreticianandwriter,whileAngelinawentontobecome
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oneofthemostluminousandpersuasiveoratorsofherday.Sarah’sdaringfeministargumentsinLettersontheEqualityoftheSexes,publishedin1837,wouldinspireandimpactwomensuchasLucyStone,AbbyKelley,ElizabethCadyStanton,andLucretiaMott.Further,itwasAngelina’spamphletsthatwerepubliclyburnedbytheCharleston
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postmaster,promptingawarningtoMrs.GrimkéthatherdaughtershouldnotreturntoCharlestonunderthreatofarrest.Letitbesaid,though,Sarahhadnowelcomeinthecityeither.
I’veabridgedandconsolidatedeventsinthesisters’publiccrusadethattookplacefromDecember1836toMay1838,offeringonlyatelescopedlookatthe
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attacks,censure,hostility,andviolencetheyencounteredforspeakingoutastheydid.Theyshook,bent,andfinallybrokethegenderbarrierthatdeniedAmericanwomenavoiceandaplatforminthepoliticalandsocialspheres.Duringthefuror,Angelinaquipped,“Weabolitionwomenareturningtheworldupsidedown.”Sarah’sjibe,whichIincludedinthenovel,
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wasmorepointed:“AllIaskofourbrethrenisthattheywilltaketheirfeetfromoffournecks.”
Asforwhatbecameofthesistersafterthenarrativeinthenovelends,theyretiredfromtherigorsofpubliclifefollowingAngelina’swedding,inpartduetoAngelina’sfragilehealth.Together,theyraisedAngelinaandTheodore’s
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threechildrenandremainedactiveinanti-slaveryandsuffrageorganizations,tirelesslycollectingpetitions,andgivingaidtoanumberofGrimkéfamilyslaves,whomtheyhelpedtosetfree.Theirpowerfuldocument,AmericanSlaveryAsItIs,soldmorecopiesthananyanti-slaverypamphleteverwrittenupuntilUncleTom’sCabin.Sarahcontinuedto
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writethroughouttherestofherlife,andIfounditmovingthatsheeventuallypublishedhertranslationofLamartine’sbiographyofJoanofArc,thefemalefigureofcouragewhomshesogreatlyadmired.Thesistersstartedmorethanoneboardingschoolandtaughtthechildrenofmanyleadingabolitionists.WhileteachingintheschoolofRaritanBayUnion,a
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cooperative,utopiancommunityinNewJersey,theycameincontactwithreformersandintellectualssuchasRalphWaldoEmerson,BronsonAlcott,andHenryDavidThoreau.IwasamusedtoreadthatThoreaufoundgray-hairedSarahtobeastrangesightgoingaboutinafeministbloomercostume.
Myfavoriteeventin
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Sarah’slaterhistoryoccurredin1870,afewyearsbeforeshediedinHydePark,Massachusetts,whensheandAngelinaledaprocessionofforty-twowomentothepollsamidatownelection.Theymarchedthroughadrivingsnowstorm,wheretheydroppedtheirillegalballotsintoasymbolicvotingbox.Itwasthesisters’lastactofpublicdefiance.Sarahlived
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tobeeighty-one.Angelina,seventy-four.Despitesisterlyconflictsfromtimetotime,theunusualbondthattetheredthemwasneverbroken,norweretheyeverseparated.
BesidesSarahandAngelina,I’veincludedotherhistoricalfiguresinthebook,renderingthemthroughmyownelucidationsoftheirhistory:TheodoreWeld,thefamousabolitionist,whom
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Angelinamarried;LucretiaMott,anotherfamousabolitionistandwomen’srightspioneer;SarahMappsDouglass,afreeblackabolitionistandeducator;IsraelMorris,awealthyQuakerbusinessmanandwidowerwhoproposedmarriagetoSarah,twice.(Herdiarysuggestsshelovedhimquitedeeply,despiteturninghimdown.Shemaintained
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thatshewasboundtohervocationtobecomeaQuakerminister,perhapsbelievingshecouldnothavemarriageandindependenceboth.)ThereisalsoCatherineMorris,Israel’ssisterandaconservativeQuakerelder,withwhomSarahandAngelinaboarded;WilliamLloydGarrison,editoroftheradicalabolitionistnewspaperTheLiberator;ElizurWright,
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secretaryoftheAmericanAnti-SlaverySociety;andthepoetJohnGreenleafWhittier,TheodoreWeld’sfriend,whoalongwithTheodoremadeavownottomarryuntilslaverywasended,avowTheodorebroke.Imightaddthatbothmenweresupportersofwomen’srights,andyetinletterstoSarahandAngelina,theystronglypressuredthesisterstodesist
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fromthecauseofwomenforfearitwouldsplittheabolitionistmovement.SomeofthemoresalientwordsthatAngelinawrotebacktoTheodoreareincludedintheimaginedsceneinwhichthemenarriveatMrs.Whittier’scottageandorderthesisterstostoptheirfightforwomen.SarahandAngelinadefiedthemen,andindeedashistorianGerdaLerner
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pointedout,theyweretheoneswhoattachedthecauseofwomen’srightstothecauseofabolition,creatingwhatsomesawasadangeroussplitandothersasabrilliantalliance.Eitherway,theirrefusaltodesistplayedavibrantpartinpropellingthecauseofwomenintoAmericanlife.
I’vetriedtorepresentthemembersoftheGrimké
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familywithafairamountofaccuracy.Sarah’smother,MaryGrimké,wasbyallaccountsaproudanddifficultwoman.AccordingtoCatherineBirney,Sarah’searliestbiographer,Mrs.Grimkéwasdevout,narrow,undemonstrativeinheraffectionstoherchildren,andoftencrueltoherslaves,visitingonthemsevereandcommonpunishments.She
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didnot,asfarasIknow,inflicttheone-leggedpunishmentonherslaves,butitwasanactualpunishment,onethatSarahherselfdescribedindetailasbeingusedby“oneofthefirstfamiliesinCharleston.”MyrepresentationofSarah’sfather,JudgeJohnGrimké,andoftheeventsinhislife,arereasonablyclosetotherecord,asistheaccountof
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Sarah’sfavoritebrother,Thomas.IhavenodoubtthatIdeviatedwithSarah’soldersisterMary(“littlemissus”),whosehistoryismostlyunknown.ThoughIfoundonesourcethatreferredtoherasunmarriedandothersthatlistedherspouseasunknown,Imarriedhertoaplantationownerandlaterhadherreturnhomeasawidow.Shedid,however,remaincommitted
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tothecauseofslaveryandunapologeticaboutituntilherdeathin1865,adetailIbuiltupon.
ItwasathrillformetovisittheGrimkés’houseonEastBayStreet.Thoughthehousecanbedatedonlytocirca1789,itmayhavecomeintoJohnGrimké’spossessionatthetimeofhismarriagein1784.ItremainedinthefamilyuntilMrs.
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Grimkédiedin1839.Today,it’swellpreservedandoccupiedbyalawfirm.Itislikelythatsomeofthehouse’soriginallayoutandinteriorsremainthesame,includingthefireplaces,cypresspanels,Delfttiles,pinefloors,andmoldings.Wanderingthroughthehouse,IcouldpictureHandfulinanalcoveonthesecondfloor,gazingoutat
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theharbor,andSarahslippingdownthestaircasetoherfather’slibraryastheslaveslayasleepontheflooroutsidethebedroomdoors.Iwasevenpermittedintotheattic,whereInoticedaladderleadingtoahatchintheroof.Ican’tsaywhetherthehatchwasalwaysthere,butIcouldenvisionSarahandHandfulclimbingthroughitasgirls,anideathatwouldpromptthe
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sceneoftheirhavingteaontheroofandtellingoneanothertheirsecrets.
TheHistoricCharlestonFoundationwasofgreathelptomeandprovidedmewithadocumentthatcontainedaninventoryandappraisementofall“thegoodsandchattels”inJohnGrimké’sCharlestonhousesoonafterhisdeathin1819.Whileporingoverthislongandmeticulouslist,I
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wasstunnedtocomeuponthenames,ages,roles,andappraisedvaluesofseventeenslaves.TheywererecordedbetweentheBrusselscarpetandelevenyardsofcottonandflax.Thediscoveryhauntedme,andeventuallyitfounditswayintothestorywithHandfulunearthingtheinventoryinthelibraryandfindinghersandCharlotte’snamesinscribedonitalong
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withtheirsupposedworth.Alloftheenslaved
charactersinthenovelareconjuredfrommyimagination,withtheexceptionofDenmarkVesey’slieutenants,whowereactualfigures:GullahJack,MondayGell,PeterPoyas,andRollaandNedBennett.AllbutGellwerehangedfortheirrolesintheplottedrevolt.Veseyhimself
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wasafreeblackcarpenter,whoselife,plot,arrest,trial,andexecutionI’vetriedtorepresentrelativelyclosetohistoricalaccounts.Ididn’tconcoctthatodddetailaboutVeseywinningthelotterywithticketnumber1884,thenusingthepayofftobuybothhisfreedomandahouseonBullStreet.Frankly,IwonderifIwould’vehadthecouragetomakesuchathingup.In
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publicreports,VeseywassaidtohavebeenhangedatBlake’sLandsalongwithfiveofhisconspirators,butIchosetoportrayanoraltraditionthathaspersistedamongsomeblackcitizensofCharlestonsincethe1820s,whichstatesthatVeseywashangedalonefromanoaktreeinordertokeephisexecutionshroudedinanonymity.Veseywassaidto
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havekeptanumberof“wives”aroundthecityandtohavefatheredanumberofchildrenwiththem,soItookthelibertyofmakingHandful’smotheroneofthese“wives”andSkyhisdaughter.
SomehistorianshavedoubtsaboutwhetherVesey’splannedslaveinsurrectiontrulyexistedortowhatextent,butIhavefollowed
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theopinionthatnotonlywasVeseymorethancapableofcreatingsuchaplot,heattemptedit.IwantedthisworktoacknowledgethemanyenslavedandfreeblackAmericanswhofought,plotted,resisted,anddiedforthesakeoffreedom.Readingabouttheprotestandescapesofvariousactualfemaleslaveshelpedmetoshapethecharactersandstoriesof
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CharlotteandHandful.Thestoryquiltinthe
novelwasinspiredbythemagnificentquiltsofHarrietPowers,anenslavedwomanfromGeorgiawhousedAfricanappliquétechniquetotellstoriesaboutbiblicaleventsandhistoricallegends.HertwosurvivingquiltsarearchivedattheNationalMuseumofAmericanHistoryinWashington,D.C.,andthe
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MuseumofFineArts,Boston.ImadeapilgrimagetoWashingtontoseePowers’quilt,andafterviewingit,itseemedplausiblethatenslavedwomen,forbiddentoreadandwrite,couldhavedevisedsubversivewaystovoicethemselves,tokeeptheirmemoriesalive,andtopreservetheheritageoftheirAfricantraditions.IenvisionedCharlotteusing
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clothandneedleasothersusepaperandpen,creatingavisualmemoir,attemptingtosetdowntheeventsofherlifeinasinglequilt.OneofthemostfascinatingpartsofmyresearchhadtobethehoursIspentreadingaboutslavequiltsandthesymbolsandimageryinAfricantextiles,whichintroducedmetothenotionofblacktrianglesrepresentingblackbirdwings.
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Ifyou’reinclinedtoreadfurtheraboutthehistoricalcontentinthenoveloraboutHarrietPowers’quilts,youmightwanttoexplorethissamplingofveryreadablebooks:TheGrimkéSistersfromSouthCarolina:PioneersforWomen’sRightsandAbolition,byGerdaLerner.
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TheFeministThoughtofSarahGrimké,byGerdaLerner.
LiftUpThyVoice:TheGrimkéFamily’sJourneyfromSlaveholderstoCivilRightsLeaders,byMarkPerry.
ThePoliticsofTasteinAntebellumCharleston,byMaurieD.McInnis.
DenmarkVesey:TheBuriedStoryofAmerica’s
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LargestSlaveRebellionandtheManWhoLedIt,byDavidRobertson.
AfricansinAmerica:America’sJourneyThroughSlavery,byCharlesJohnson,PatriciaSmith,andtheWGBHSeriesResearchTeam.
ToBeaSlave,byJuliusLester,withillustrationsbyTomFeelings(NewberryHonorbook).
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StitchingStars:TheStoryQuiltsofHarrietPowers,byMaryLyons(ALANotableBookforChildren).
Signs&Symbols:AfricanImagesinAfricanAmericanQuilts,byMaudeSouthwellWahlman.
InwritingTheInventionofWings,Iwasinspiredbythe
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wordsofProfessorJuliusLester,whichIkeptproppedonmydesk:“Historyisnotjustfactsandevents.Historyisalsoapainintheheartandwerepeathistoryuntilweareabletomakeanother’spainintheheartourown.”
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Mydeepestthanksto...AnnKiddTaylor,an
exceptionallygiftedwriterandauthor,whoreadandrereadthismanuscriptinprogress,offeringmeinvaluablecommentsandendlessbelieving.
JenniferRudolphWalsh,myamazingagentanddear
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friend.Myterrificeditor,Paul
Slovak,andClareFerraro,andtheextraordinaryteamatVikingfortheirboundlesssupport.
ValeriePerry,Aiken-RhettHousemuseummanageratHistoricCharlestonFoundation,whogavesogenerouslyofhertimeandeffortsandofferedtremendoushelpwithmy
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research.CarterHudgens,director
ofpreservationandeducationatDraytonHallinCharleston,forhistimeandinsightsintothelifeandhistoryofenslavedpeople.
Thefollowinginstitutions,which,alongwithHistoricCharlestonFoundationandDraytonHall,servedasresources:theCharlestonMuseum,the
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CharlestonLibrarySociety,theCollegeofCharleston’sAddlestoneLibraryandtheAveryResearchCenter,theCharlestonCountyPublicLibrary,theSouthCarolinianaLibrary,theAiken-RhettHouseMuseum,theNathanielRussellHouseMuseum,theCharlesPinckneyHouse,theOldSlaveMart,MagnoliaPlantationandGardens,
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LowcountryAfricana,MiddletonPlace,andBooneHallPlantation.
Pierce,Herns,Sloan&Wilson,LLCofCharleston,whichallowedmetoexploretomyheart’scontentthehistorichousethatoncebelongedtotheGrimkéfamily(namedtheBlakeHouseforitsoriginalowner).
JacquelineColeburn,rarebookcatalogerattheLibrary
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ofCongressinWashington,D.C.,forherenormousassistanceinprovidingmewithatreasuretroveofletters,newspapers,Anti-SlaveryConventionproceedings,andotherdocumentsrelatedtoSarahandAngelinaGrimkéandearly-nineteenth-centuryhistory.
DorisBowman,associatecuratorandspecialist,Textile
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CollectionattheNationalMuseumofAmericanHistoryinWashington,D.C.,forwelcomingmeintotheSmithsonianarchivestoviewHarrietPowers’BibleQuiltandforsupplyingmewithawealthofinformationaboutit.
TheNew-YorkHistoricalSocietyformakingavailabledocumentsrelatedtotheGrimkésistersandDenmark
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Vesey,includingofficialreportsofVesey’sinsurrectionandtrial.
TheNationalUndergroundRailroadFreedomCenterinCincinnati,whichawedandeducatedmewithitsexhibitsandinteractiveexperiencesonslaveryandabolition.
MarileeBirchfield,librarianattheUniversityofSouthCarolina,foraidwith
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researchquestions.RobertKiddandKellie
BayuzickKiddforbeingwillingandableresearchassistants.
ScottTaylorforprovidingpatientandexperttechnicalhelp,especiallytheweekmycomputercrashed.
Thereweremanyprimarysources,books,essays,andarticlesabouttheGrimkés,DenmarkVesey,slavery,
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abolition,quiltsandAfricantextiles,andearly-nineteenth-centuryhistorythatbecamethebedrockofmyresearch,butIwouldliketoespeciallymentionmyindebtednesstoDr.GerdaLerner,whosescholarshipandwritingsabouttheGrimkésistersgreatlyinfluencedme,particularlyherbiographyTheGrimkéSistersfromSouthCarolina:Pioneersfor
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Women’sRightsandAbolition.I’malsoindebtedtotheresearchandwritingofMarkPerryinhisbookLiftUpThyVoice:TheGrimkéFamily’sJourneyfromSlaveholderstoCivilRightsLeaders;H.CatherineBirneyinTheGrimkéSisters;DavidRobertsoninDenmarkVesey:TheBuriedStoryofAmerica’sLargestSlaveRebellionandtheManWho
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LedIt;andMaurieD.McInnisinThePoliticsofTasteinAntebellumCharleston.IwanttoacknowledgeanAmericanblackfolktale,fromwhichIdrewinspiration,aboutpeopleinAfricabeingabletoflyandthenlosingtheirwingswhencapturedintoslavery.ThestoryisbeautifullytoldbyVirginiaHamiltonandmagnificently
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illustratedbyLeoandDianeDillonintheALANotableChildren’sBookThePeopleCouldFly:AmericanBlackFolktales.
I’mimmenselygratefultothewonderfulgroupoffriendswholistenedtomerecountthepull,challenges,andjoysofwritingthisnovel,andwhoneverceasedtoencourageme:TerryHelwig,TrishaSinnott,CurlyClark,
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CarolynRivers,SusanHullWalker,andMollyLehman.I’mgrateful,too,forJimandMandyHelwig,whoalongwithTerryhavelongbeenpartofmyextendedfamily.
Iwassustainedeverysingledaybytheloveandsupportoffamily:myparentsLeahandRidleyMonk;mysonBobKiddandhiswife,Kellie;mydaughterAnnKiddTaylorandherhusband,
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Scott;mygrandchildrenRoxie,Ben,andMax;andmyhusband,Sandy,whohasjourneyedwithmesincecollegeandwhosebraveryduringthepastyearbothinspiredanddeepenedme.Nowordscaneverexpressmygratitudeforeachofthem.
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VIKINGREADERSGUIDE
TheInventionofWings
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AnIntroductiontoTheInvention
ofWingsTheInventionofWings,apowerfulandsweepinghistoricalnovelbySueMonkKidd,begins,fittingly,withanimageofflight:Hetty“Handful,”whohasgrownup
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asaslaveinearly-nineteenth-centuryCharleston,recallsthenighthermothertoldherthatherancestorsinAfricacouldflyovertreesandclouds.Thatday,Handful’smother,Charlotte,gaveherdaughterthegiftofhope—thepossibilitythatsomedayshemightregainherwingsandflytofreedom.ThroughoutKidd’sexquisitelywrittenstory,
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Handfulstruggles,sometimeswithquietdissidence,sometimeswithopenrebellion,tocultivateabeliefintheinvincibilityofherspiritandinthesacredtruththatonedoesnotneedactualwingsinordertorise.
Barelyastone’sthrowfromtheslavequarterswhereHandfulandhermothersharearoombehindthegrandGrimkéhouse,anotheryoung
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womanfightsadifferentbattlewiththeconstraintsofhersociety.SarahGrimkéisthemiddledaughterofawealthyandprominentfamilyatthepinnacleofCharleston’ssocialhierarchy—thedaughterhermothercallsdifficultandherfathercallsremarkable.Fromthetimeofherfirstviolentchildhoodconfrontationwithslavery,Sarahisunableto
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abidetheoppressionandbrutalityoftheslavesystemthatsurroundsher.Ambitiousandkeenlyintelligent,sheharborsanintenselongingtohaveavoiceintheworldandtofollowherfather’sandbrothers’footstepstoaprofessioninthelaw.Crushedbythestricturesthatherfamilyandsocietyimposeonwomen,Sarahforgesatortuousyetbravepath
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towardabolitionandwomen’srights—acrusadeinwhichshewillbejoinedbyherfierysisterAngelina.
ThestorybeginsonSarah’seleventhbirthday,whenten-year-oldHandfulisabruptlypulledfromtheGrimkés’workyard,adornedinlavenderribbons,andpresentedtoSarahasagift.Sarahtriesinvaintodecline,butovertime,thetwocreate
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abondthatwillultimatelyanddramaticallyshapetheirdestinies.
Astheirintertwinedstoriesunfoldintheirownvoices,Sarahwilleventuallybreakfromtheonlylifesheknowsandgonorthtobecomeanexile,encounteringloveandheartbreak,repressionandrenaissanceasshesearchesforhervoiceandherplaceof
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belonging.Backhome,Handfulwillexperiencehermother’smysteriousdisappearance,findingstrengthandanswersinthestoryquiltsheleavesbehind.WhenDenmarkVesey,afreeblackmanwithmessianiccharisma,plotsadangerousslaveinsurrectionintheheartofCharleston,Handfulbecomesembroiledinaconspiracythatthreatensto
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shakethecitytoitsfoundations.
InspiredbyactualhistoricalfigureslikeSarahandAngelinaGrimkéandDenmarkVeseyandenlivenedbyoriginalcreationslikeCharlotteandHandful,TheInventionofWingsistheextraordinarystoryoftwostrugglesforfreedom:thebattleofHandfultofindthewingsher
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motherpromisedandtheequallyintensequestofSarahtoliberatehermindandspirit.Thistriumphantnovelalsospeakswithwisdomaboutthenatureofevilandinjustice,thecouragetodarewhatseemsunattainable,andthehopeinsideofusthattheworstdarknesscan’textinguish.
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AboutSueMonkKidd
SueMonkKidd’sfirstnovel,TheSecretLifeofBees(2002),becameagenuineliteraryphenomenon,sellingmorethansixmillioncopiesintheUnitedStatesandremainingonTheNewYorkTimesbestsellerlistformore
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thantwoyears.NamedBookSenseBookoftheYearin2004,itwasadaptedintoanaward-winningmovie.Kidd’ssecondnovel,TheMermaidChair(2005),soldmorethanamillioncopiesandgarneredtheQuillAwardforGeneralFiction.Shehascowrittenabestsellingmemoirwithherdaughter,AnnKiddTaylor,TravelingwithPomegranates:AMother-
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DaughterStory(2009),aswellasauthoringseveralacclaimedmemoirs,includingTheDanceoftheDissidentDaughter(1996).KiddlivesinsouthwestFloridawithherhusband,Sandy,andtheirblackLabradorretriever.
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AConversationwithSueMonk
Kidd
1.YouhadneverheardoftheGrimkésistersbeforeyoureceivedtheinspirationforTheInventionofWings.Howdidyoufirsthearaboutthem,andwhatwasit
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abouttheirstorythatcaptivatedyou?
IfirstcameupontheGrimkésistersin2007whilevisitingJudyChicago’sDinnerPartyexhibitattheBrooklynMuseuminNewYork.TheirnameswerelistedontheHeritagePanels,whichhonor999womenwho’vemadeimportantcontributionstowestern
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history.Later,IwasastonishedtodiscovertheywerefromCharleston,SouthCarolina,thesamecityinwhichIwasthenliving.SomehowI’dneverheardofthesetwoamazingwomen,butIimmediatelydovein,learningeverythingIcould,andthemoreIlearned,themore
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excitedIbecame.IdiscoveredthatSarahandAngelinawerefromawealthyslave-holdingfamily,atthetopoftheplanterclass,movingintheelitecirclesofsociety,andyettheybrokewitheverything—theirfamily,religion,homeland,andtraditions—andbecamethefirstfemaleabolitionagents
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inAmericaandamongtheearliestfeministthinkers.Theywere,arguably,themostradicalfemalestoevercomeoutoftheantebellumSouth.Ifellinlovewiththeirstory.IwasespeciallydrawntoSarah.Iwasmovedbyhowthoroughlylifewasarrangedagainstherandwhatsheovercame,by
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howdeeplysheyearnedtohaveavoiceintheworld,byhowutterlyhumanshewas,andhowdeterminedlysheinventedherwings.
IcameofageinprefeministAmerica.In1963,thesameyearBettyFriedanpublishedTheFeminineMystiqueandreignitedthewomen’srevolution,I
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satinahomeeconomicsclassinhighschool,hemmingskirtsandlearninghowtomakeahomeintoaman’scastle.IstillrecallthelistofoccupationsforwomenIcopiedofftheblackboard:teacher,nurse,secretary,salesclerk,homemaker...AsIrecall,therewerefewerthantwentyofthem.I
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rememberthismomentquitewellbecauseIharboredadeepandformidabledesiretobeawriter,anditwasnowhereontheroster.WhenIheadedtocollege,Istudiednursing,anobleprofession,butitwasn’tmyplaceofbelonging.Ihadn’tyetfiguredouthowtothinkandact
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outsidetheconfinesoftheworldthatshapedme.Ittookeightyearsaftergraduatingfromcollegeformetobreakoutandpursuewriting.Today,thatremindsmealittleofSarah,whoalsohadfailuresofcourageandwhowassometimesslowtotakeherleap.Oddlyenough,itwasn’tFriedan’sbook
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thatshookme.ItwasKateChopin’snovelTheAwakening.EdnaPontellier’sagonizingstruggleagainstthelimitshercultureplacedonwomennearlyleveledme.ThelivesofSarahandAngelinaGrimkéaffectedmeinasimilarway.Iknowtheworldisradicallydifferentnow,butI’mabelieverthat
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girlsandwomen,andallofusreally,needallthestoriesofcourageanddaringwecanget.
2.TheInventionofWingsisvoicedbytwoverballypowerfulnarrators:SarahGrimké,whoisinspiredbythereal-lifeabolitionistandfeministofthesamename,andHettyHandful,whoisthechildofyour
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imagination.Howdoescreatingacharacterfromthegroundupdifferfromadaptingarealpersonintoafictionalpersona,andwhichdoyoufindmorechallenging?
OneofthemoreunexpectedthingsIexperiencedinwritingthenovelwasthatHandful’scharacterandvoicecametomewith
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moreeasethanSarah’s.Handfulwouldtalk,talk,talk.OftenIcouldn’tkeepupwithher.WhenIfirstbeganwritinginhervoice,theonlyparametersIgavemyselfwerethatIdidn’twanthervoicetobeweigheddownwithdialectanditmusthavetracesofhumor.I’dreadagreatmanyfirst-personslave
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narrativesfromthenineteenthcentury,aswellastheFederalWriters’Projectofthe1930s,andIhadthevoicesofAfricanAmericanwomenfrommyownchildhoodstillresonatinginme,alongwiththoseofthequiltingwomenofGee’sBend,butIthinkwhatmadeHandfulsoaccessibleto
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mewasherfree,unrestrictedreigninmyimagination.Shedidnotcomewiththefettersofaprevioushistory.Shecouldspeakanddoasshewished.
Sarah,ontheotherhand,camewithalargehistoricalscript,andthatturnedouttobeoneofmybiggestchallenges.IreveredSarah’shistory
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tothepointthatIinitiallybecameboxedinbyit.Inthebeginning,Ihadahardtimelettingherventureoutsidefactualborders.Thelongershewascoopedupbythefacts,thequietershegot.I’dreadtheGrimkésisters’diariesandessays,andwhiletheygavemeanextraordinaryglimpse
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intotheirlives,theirwritingwasrenderedinnineteenth-centurylanguage,wrappedinrhetoric,piety,andstiltedphrases.IwantedSarah’svoiceinmynoveltofeelauthenticandcarrysomeofthevernacularofthetime,butIknewIhadtobringsomemodernsensibilitytoit.Irewroteherfirst
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chaptersoverandoverbeforeIfeltlikeI’dfoundhervoice.Findingitwasallaboutlooseningit.IrealizedIhadtotapintoSarah’sinnerlifeandsetherfreetospeakfromthattimelesslaceaswellasfromthetimeinwhichshelived.Ineededtoletherveeroffscript.IhadtofindSarahinmy
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imaginationandinhistory.Doingsobroughtheraliveforme.
3.Whatwastheprocessofwritingthenovellikeforyou?Howdidyougoaboutyourresearch?You’vecommentedthatyouwentfurtheroutonthewritinglimbwiththisnovelthanyou’vebeenbefore.Whatdidyoumean?
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IttookfouryearstowriteTheInventionofWings—threeandahalfyearsofwriting,followingsixmonthsofresearch.I’mnotthefastestwriterontheblock.Ispentalotofprotractedtimesittingatthecomputerscreenjustcontemplatingthestory,lettingmyimaginationbrowse,tryingto
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connectlittledots,allowingideasandrevelationstocometome.Plus,Iwasconstantlystoppingtolookupsomethinginabook—whatsortofmourningdressdidwomenwearin1819?Whatbooktitleswouldbeonalibraryshelfin1804?Whatweretheemancipationlawsin
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SouthCarolina?WhenIwasn’truminatingorscouringbooks,Iwaswriting,andthenrewritingasIwent,rarelymovingtothenextchapteruntilIfeltI’drenderedthelastoneascloseaspossibletothefinaldraft.Iwouldeasilyspendanentiredaytinkeringwiththeproseonasinglepage.
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Thewayintotheearlynineteenthcentury,ofcourse,isthroughanawfullotofresearch.MyhusbandjokedIspentmoretimeinthenineteenthcenturythanIdidinthetwenty-first.Myaimwastocreateaworldforthereadertoenter,oneasrichlytextured,tangible,andauthenticasIcould
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makeit.Ireadandread,fillingupfivebignotebookswithdetailsandideas.IdrewmapsoftheinterioroftheGrimkéhouseandtheworkyardandetchedalooseoutlineofthethirty-five-yearspanofthestoryonlargesheetsofpaper,oneforeachofthebook’ssixparts.Ihungtheminmystudy,
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usingthemtomaptheflowofevents.Ialsomadelotsoffieldtrips,visitinglibraries,museums,historicalsocieties,andhistorichouses,allofwhichImighthaveenjoyedalittletoomuchbecauseIfinallyhadtomakemyselfstopreading,mapping,andtraipsingaboutandstartwriting.
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It’shardtoarticulatewhyitseemedthisbooktookmefurtheroutonalimb.Maybebecausethestoryhadtoaccommodatesuchasweepingamountoftime.Maybebecauseithadtwodifferentnarratorswhosestoriesneededtobeamatchforoneanother,whosevoiceshadtobedistinct,
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andwhosejourneyshadtobesynchronized.Iwaschallenged,asI’vealreadymentioned,bywritingfromthecomplicatedintersectionofimaginationandhistory,andquitehonestly,itwasunnervingtotakeonsomethingasbigasslavery.Mostdaunting,though,wasthenotion
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ofwritingfromthemind,heart,andpersonaofanenslavedperson.IwantedtocreateHandfulinawaythatwasconvincingandrespectful.Itmighthavebeensafertowritehercharacterfromathird-personperspective,andIdidactuallystartoffthatway,butIhadn’twrittentwopagesbeforeher
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first-personvoicebrokein,andthatwasthat.I’mforeverplasteringquotesandevocationsaboutmystudy.OnethatIkeptonmydeskasIwrotethisnovelsimplysaid:Befearlessonthepage.Ioftenpausedtoreadit.Itcausedmetoatleasttry.
4.Forus,oneofthepivotalmomentsinthestorycomes
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whenHandfulreadstheledgeronwhichsheandhermotherarelistedandappraisedaspartoftheGrimkéfamily’sproperty.Whatdoesthatmomentinthenovelmeantoyou?
Duringmyresearch,IcameuponathesisabouttheGrimkés’Charlestonhousethatincludedatranscriptofalegallyexecutedinventoryand
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appraisalofallthegoodsandchattelsinthehouseatthetimeofSarah’sfather’sdeathin1819.AsIreadthroughthislonganddetailedlist,Iwasshockedtocomeuponthenamesofseventeenslaves.TheywereinsertedbetweenaBrusselsstaircasecarpetandelevenyardsofcottonandflax.Iread
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theirnames,theirages,therolestheyperformed—coachman,cook,waitingmaid,washer,houseservant,seamstress,etc.—andIreadwhattheyweresupposedlyworth.Oneslave,Diana,thirty-six,waslistedas“useless”andvaluedat$1.Therewerefourchildrenincluded,ageseight,six,
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four,andthreemonths.Theeight-year-oldwasnamedBen,thesameasmygrandson.TheirmotherwasBess,agethirty.Togetherthefiveofthemhadbeenvaluedat$1,500.
Themomenthitmeclosetothebone,inpartbecauseofhowrealandclosethesehumanbeingssuddenlyseemed,
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butalsobecauseofthesheerbanalityandacceptabilityoflistingthemaspossessionsamongthecarpetsandcloth.Herewasnotjustourhumancapacityforcruelty,butalsoourabilitytorenderitinvisible.Howdosuchthingshappen?Howdowegrowcomfortablewiththeparticularsof
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evil?Howareweabletonormalizeit?Howdoesevilgatherwhennooneislooking?DiscoveringtheseventeennamesontheledgerwaswhenIunderstoodhowdangerousitistoseparateourselvesfromourhistory,evenwhenit’sunspeakablypainful.
Ofcourse,theinventoryfounditsway
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intothenovelwithHandfulunearthingitinthelibraryandfindingherandhermother’snamesandappraisedvalues.Isuppose,forme,thescenerepresentstheinevitableconfrontationwiththetraumaofslavery,onethat’sallthemorenecessarybecausewehave246yearsof
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slaveryembeddedinourhistory,andwecanstillhardlybeartolookatit.
5.TheInventionofWingsisaboutseveralsimultaneousstrugglesforfreedom.HowdidyoudevelopthemovementstowardfreedominHandful’sandSarah’scharacters?
HandfulandSaraharebothimprisonedintheir
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ownparticularway.AsawhitewomaninSouthCarolinaintheearly1800s,evenaprivilegedone,Sarahhadalifethatwasvastlylimited.Womenhadfewrights,nottopropertyoreventotheirownchildren.Essentially,theywerethepropertyoftheirhusbands,andtheirpurposeinlifewasto
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marry,havechildren,andlivetheirliveswithinthedomesticsphere.Andyettheirlackoffreedomcouldnotcomparetothehorrificsubjugationofenslavedwomenwhoseentirelivesweredeterminedbytheirownersandwhosesufferingwasinfinitelyworse.Ifeltlikethe
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primarythingIhadtodowasneverlosesightofthat.
AsforhowIdevelopedHandful’sandSarah’sindividualquestsforfreedom,I’mremindedofacertainloomingmomentinthestorywhenHandfulsaystoSarah,“Mybodymightbeaslave,butnotmymind.Foryou,it’s
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theotherwayround.”Handfulisconveyingatruthsheknowsonlytoowellherself,thatone’smindcanbecomeacage,too.Findingtheirfreedomhadtodowithliberatingthemselvesinternally,discoveringasenseofself,andtheboldnesstoexpressthatself.There’sasceneinwhichHandfulwillfully
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takesabathintheGrimkés’majesticcopperbathtub.Ican’ttellyouhowmuchpleasureIderivedfromwritingthisscene.Handful’sbathistingedwithdefiance,butitbecomesabaptismintoherownworth.Observingherintheaftermathofit,Sarahsays,“Shehadthelook
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ofsomeonewho’ddeclaredherself.”Handfulhasbeguntounderstandthateventhoughherbodyistrappedinslavery,hermindisherown.Thequestionthenbecamehowtoemancipateherselfphysically.Whatneededtotranspireinsideofhertobringhertothecrucialmomentof
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riskingeverything?Ifeltthatthemomentoccursneartheendofthestory,whenlittlemissusdisparagesthestoryportrayedinCharlotte’squiltandHandfulfearsshemayburnit.IsawthismomentasakindofwatershedinwhichalltheaccumulatedsorrowsanddeprivationsofHandful’slife,andeven
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ofhermother’slife,cometogether,causinghertowantfreedommorethanthenextbreath.“Toleaveordietrying.”
Sarahwassteepedinfamilyandculturalexpectationsforwomen,whichcrashedoverandoveragainstherravenousintellectandhungerforaneducation,
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herpassionforavocation,herindomitablemoralcompass,andhercourage—qualitiesthatcametobereflectedinhersilverfleur-de-isbutton,anobjectshewouldloseandrefind,figuratively,manytimes.ThedevelopmentofSarah’sfreedomnecessitatedawhole
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seriesof“coppertubmoments,”eachonebringingheralittleclosertobreakingfullyfree.Myfavoritesuchmomentmaybewhenshe’scaringforherdyingfatherattheJerseyshore,andshewadesintotheocean.Turninglooseofthesearope,towhichallthewomengrasp,shestridesoffon
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herownintothewaves.Floatingaloneinthewater,farfromthetether,becameherownbaptismintoherapartnessandindependence.Itwasasmallbeginning.Later,shewouldhaveanothermomentwhentheinnervoiceshowedup,tellinghertogonorth.Theygoonandon,butthefinal
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pieceofherliberationdoesn’tcome,perhaps,untiltheend,whenshe’sabletospeakhermindinthehousewhereshewasborn.
6.SarahsharedaclosefriendshipwithLucretiaMott.Whatmotivatedyoutoincludethisrelationshipinthestory?
Itwasasurpriseforme
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whenLucretiaMottturnedupasacharacter.IknewfrommyresearchthatMott,afamousabolitionistandwomen’srightspioneerherself,hadattendedthesamemeetinghouseinPhiladelphiaasSarah,atleastforatime,butIdidn’tknowshewouldstepintothepagesofmystoryuntilthevery
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momentshedidso.Itwasarelieftomewhensheturnedup.Atthisjuncture,SarahisaloneintheNorth,andtheonlyfemalepresenceinherlifeisIsrael’ssister,whoishardlyafriendtoher.Inevitably,acommunityofwomenwillshowupinmyfiction,evenifit’sacommunityoftwo.
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Manyyearsago,whenIreadVirginiaWoolf’sARoomofOne’sOwn,Iwascaptivatedbytheideaofawomanhavinganindependentspacethatbelongstoher,that’sdevotedtohercreativelifeandherintellectualandspiritualliberation.Iratherlovedcreatingsucharoomin
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Lucretia’shouse,aplacewheresheandSarahcouldspendtimetogether.Itiscozy,fullofbooks,journals,artpalettes,andvelvetsquarespinnedwithlunamoths,whichLucretiafindslifelessinthegarden,anditlooksoutoveracopseoftrees.Sarahcallsitastudio,butit’sinspiredby
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Woolf’sroomofone’sown.SomuchofSarah’slifeisaboutexileandseekingherplaceofbelongingintheworld,anditseemedthatthestudiowouldofferheratasteofwhatbelongingtoone’sselfcouldbelike.Thestudiowasn’tonthepagesofthenovelforverylong,butthetimethetwowomen
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spenttherewasdistilledandtransformingforSarah.
ItwasinthestudiothatSarahpouredoutherstorytoLucretiaandhadittrulyreceived.Atonepoint,SarahasksLucretia,“DoyouthinkIcouldbecomeaQuakerminister?”andLucretiaresponds,“SarahGrimké,you’rethemost
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intelligentpersonIknow.Ofcourseyoucould.”Sarahhadneverreallyknownthiskindoflistening,validation,andencouragement.ThescenebroughttomymindtheologianNelleMorton’swords,thatwomen“hearoneanotherintospeech,”andIthought,too,ofthetheologianMaryDaly,
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whosaid,“Onlywomenhearingeachothercancreateacounterworldtotheprevailingreality.”
There’salineinthenovelthatItrulylovedwriting,whichactuallythrilledmetowrite—itwasfourwordsthatIhadLucretiasendinalettertoSarahandAngelinaduringtheirpubliccrusadeand
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whicharrivedattheheightofbacklashagainstthem.Itsaid,simply:Presson,mysisters.Honestly,IthinkitwasIwhowantedtosaythosewordstoSarahandAngelinaeverybitasmuchasLucretiadid.
7.Howdidyougoaboutwritingthecomplicatedrelationshipbetween
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HandfulandSarah?It’shardtocomeupwitharelationshipbetweencharactersmorechallengingtowriteaboutthanthatofanownerandaslave.Eveniftheownerisanunwillingone,evenifshehasanabolitionist’sheartbeatinginherchest,asSarahdoes,it’sstillaproblematic
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situation.Itwasthethingthatkeptmeupatnights—HandfulandSarah’sfraughtconnectionandwhetherIwasgettingitright.Inthenovel,theirrelationshipspansthreeandahalfdecades,muchofwhichtheyspendasconstantcompanions.Toalargeextent,theymoldoneanother’slivesand
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shapeeachother’sdestinies.There’sanundeniablecaringbetweenthem,butalsothebuilt-ingulfofslavery.Handfultriestocaptureitwhenshesays,“Peoplesaylovegetsfouledbyadifferencebigasours.Ididn’tknowforsurewhetherMissSarah’sfeelingscamefromloveorguilt.
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Ididn’tknowwhetherminecamefromloveoraneedtobesafe.Shelovedmeandpitiedme.AndIlovedherandusedher.Itneverwasasimplething.”
Theirrelationshipisdisfiguredbysomanythings:guilt,shame,pity,resentment,defiance,estrangement.Itriedtocreatea
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relationshipbetweenthemthatallowsforallofthatyetalsohasroomforsurprise,redemption,andevenlove.Someonewhoreadanearlycopyofthenovelcommentedthatthetwowomencreateasisterhoodagainstallodds.Ithinktheydo—anuneasy,butsavingsisterhood.
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8.OneofthemoreuniqueandstrikingaspectsofthenovelisCharlotte’sstoryquilt.Whatdrewyoutoincludeitinthestory?Whatmeaningdidyouwantittocarry?
IwasinspiredbythequiltsofHarrietPowers,whowasbornintoslaveryin1837inGeorgia.SheusedWestAfricanappliqué
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techniqueanddesignstotellstories,mostlyaboutbiblicalevents,legends,andastronomicaloccurrences.Eachofthesquaresonhertwosurvivingquiltsisamasterpieceofartandnarration.AfterviewingherquiltinthearchivesoftheNationalMuseumofAmericanHistoryinWashington,D.C.,it
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seemedmorethanplausibletomethatmanyenslavedwomen,whowereforbiddentoreadandwrite,wouldhavedevisedsubversivewaystovoicethemselves,tokeeptheirmemoriesalive,andtopreservetheirAfricanheritage.Inthenovel,CharlotteistheGrimkés’rebelliousand
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accomplishedseamstress,andIenvisionedherusingneedleandcloththewayothersusepaperandpen,attemptingtosetdowntheeventsofherlifeinasinglequilt.Sheappliquésitwithstrange,beautifulimages—slavesflyingthroughtheair,spirittreeswiththeirtrunkswrappedinred
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thread—butshealsosewsviolentandpainfulimagesofherpunishmentsandloss.Thequiltinthenovelismeanttobemorethanawarmblanketoranicepieceofhandiwork.ItisCharlotte’sstory.AsHandfulsays,“Maumahadsewedwhereshecamefrom,whoshewas,whatsheloved,the
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thingsshe’dsuffered,andthethingsshehoped.She’dfoundawaytotellit.”
Aboveall,IwantedCharlotte’sstoryquilttospeakaboutthedeepneedwehavetomakemeaningoutofwhatbefallsus.Iwantedittosuggesthowimportantitistotakethebroken,painful,anddiscarded
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fragmentsofourlivesandpiecethemintosomethingwhole.Therecanbehealing,andpower,too,ingivingexpressiontowhat’sinsideofus,inhavingourvoicesheardandourpainwitnessed.AswriterIsakDinesenputit,“Allsorrowscanbeborneifweputtheminastoryortellastoryabout
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them.”
9.SarahGrimkéwasbothattractedtoandrepelledbyorganizedreligion.WhatroledoesitplayinSarah’slife?How,ifatall,doesreligioninfluenceHandful?HowwouldyoudescribeHandful’sspirituality?
Thereal-lifeSarahGrimkéwasmorepiousthanmyversionofherin
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thenovel.DuringherPresbyterianandQuakeryears,herdevoutnessseemed,attimes,toborderonasceticism.There’sspeculationamongherbiographersthatherself-denialmighthaveinfluencedherrefusaltomarryasmuchasherdesireforindependence.BothSarahs,though,theone
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inhistoryandtheoneinmystory,carryonanintricaterelationshipwithchurchandfaiththatwasasconflictedasitwascompatible.Inthenovel,itbeginsastwelve-year-oldSarahsitsinchurchlisteningtotheministerdefendslavery.Ifeltitwasimportanttoacknowledgethat
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slaverywassupportednotjustbythegovernment,butlargelybythechurch.ThesceneinSt.Philip’sprecipitatesSarah’sfirstcrisisoffaith.DidImakeupmyGod,sheasks,ordidthereverendmakeuphis?Later,inthewakeofherheartbreakfromherfirstlove,BurkeWilliams,
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sheleavestheAnglicansforthePresbyterians.ShewasgenuinelyinpursuitofGod,butImuddiedthewaterabit,suggestingshewasalsoinpursuitofawayoutofthemiseriessheexperiencedinCharlestonsociety.
FromthetimeSarahisfourandwitnessesaslavewhipping—the
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“unspeakable”thingthatmuteshervoice—shemovesbetweenvoiceandvoicelessness,herwordsoftenstuckinherthroat.ItstruckmeasfascinatingandmorethancoincidentalthatshegivesherselftotheQuakers,areligioncenteredontheinnervoice.AsaQuaker,she’scompelledtolisten
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foravoiceinside,atrueone,andfindawaytoarticulateitonhertongue.This,ofcourse,isthelargeandongoingstruggleofherownlife.HeraudaciousmovetotheQuakersgaveherawayoutoftheSouth,justasthePresbyterianshadgivenherawayoutofsociety,andtheirdoctrinessupportedand
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emboldenedherantislaverybeliefsandopenedupthepossibilityofavocationasaminister.Shewouldpinallherhopesonthelatter.Shelands,however,inabranchofQuakerismthattakesahighlyconservativeapproach,andsheoftenfindsherselfatoddswithit.Herconflictwith
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organizedreligionisnowheremorepronouncedthaninthescriptureverse:“Isuffernotawomantoteach,nottousurpauthorityovertheman,buttobeinsilence,”aversethatwashauledoutandusedagainstherbyNewEnglandministersduringherpubliccrusade.Afterher
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expulsionfromtheQuakers,organizedreligionheldlessswayoverher,andshecametorelymoreonherownspiritualcore.
Asachild,HandfulcomparedGodtomasterGrimkéandwonderediftherewasablackGod,too.LikemanyslavesinCharleston,sheparticipatedinhouse
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devotions,whichhelpedtoChristianizetheslaves,butitwasalsoameansofcontrollingthem.AccentuatingBibleversesonobedience,submission,andsufferingwascommon.Onthisscore,though,Handfullearnedhowtogivealmostasgoodasshegot.Sheadoptedthe“Jesus-act”
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fromhermother,whichsheusedtoheradvantage.ItgotherpermissiontoattendtheAfricanchurch,whereshehopedtoobtaininformationabouthermother,butsurprisinglyenoughtoher,shefoundherselfdrawnintothechurch’smessageofhopeanddeliverance.Shefoundstrengthinthe
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solidarityofthecongregation.ButIthink,atheart,Handfulwasananimist,findingherconnectionwiththedivinethroughnaturalobjectslikethewatershewatchedwithsuchdevotionfromthealcove,makingupsongstoit.HerbeliefthatGodanimatednatureseemspresent,too,inher
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devotiontothespirittree.Insomeways,thetree,whichshetendedwithredthreadandworepiecesofaboutherneck,washerreal“church.”Itwasasortofsanctuary,aplaceofritual,aplacethatheldherspirit,herpain,andherhope.Thewaterandthetree,andperhapseventhebirdsinthebranches,seemedto
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mediateGodtoher.TheybecameHandful’sprimaryscripture.
10.Yourwritingtendstodomoreforyourreadersthansimplyentertainthem.Readingoneofyournovelscanbeakindoftransformation.HowdoyouhopethatTheInventionofWingsmightaffectsomeonewhoreadsit?
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Itwouldcertainlypleasemeifreadersfinishedthenovelhavinglearnedsomethingnewaboutslavery,aboutthehistoryoftheearlynineteenthcenturyandtheinnovationsofthoughtthathelpedtocreatetheabolitionandwomen’srightsmovements.Iwoulddefinitelybehappyifit
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helpedreadersdiscoverorrediscoverSarahandAngelinaGrimkéandtherolestheyplayed.Ithinkeverynovelistwantsherbooktoenlightenthemindinsomewayandbeacarrierofideas.Mygreatesthope,however,isforreaderstotakeawayafeltexperienceofthestory,ofwhat
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slaverymighthavebeenlikeforsomeoneorwhatitwaslikebackthenforawomanwithoutrights.Iwantthereadertofeelasifheorshehasparticipatedintheinteriorlivesofthecharactersandfeltsomethingoftheiryearnings,sufferings,joys,andbraveries.Empathy—taking
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another’sexperienceandmakingitone’sown—isoneofthemostmysteriousandnobletransactionsahumancanhave.It’stherealpoweroffiction.Whileincollege,IstudiedRalphWaldoEmerson’sconceptof“thecommonheart,”aplaceinsideofuswhereweshareanintrinsicunitywithall
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humanity.Theideahasremainedwithmealltheseyears.Asawriter,Ibelieveinit.ThehopethatthisstorywouldhelpusfindaportalintothatplaceisthemostIcouldhope.
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DiscussionQuestions
ThetitleTheInventionofWingswasoneofthefirstinspirationsthatcametoSueMonkKiddasshebeganthenovel.WhyisthetitleanaptoneforKidd’snovel?Whataresomeof
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thewaysthattheauthorusestheimageryandsymbolismofbirds,wings,andflight?
WhatwerethequalitiesinHandfulthatyoumostadmired?Asyoureadthenovel,couldyouimagineyourselfinhersituation?HowdidHandfulcontinueherrelentlesspursuitofselfandfreedominthefaceof
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suchabrutalsystem?
Afterlayingasideheraspirationstobecomealawyer,SarahremarksthattheGraveyardofFailedHopesis“anall-femaleestablishment.”Whatmakeshersayso?WhatwasyourexperienceofreadingKidd’sportrayalofwomen’slivesinthenineteenthcentury?
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InwhatwaysdoesSarahstruggleagainstthedictatesofherfamily,society,andreligion?Canyourelatetoherneedtobreakawayfromthelifeshehadinordertocreateanewandunknownlife?Whatsortofriskandcouragedoesthiscallfor?
ThestoryofTheInventionofWingsincludesanumber
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ofphysicalobjectsthathaveaspecialsignificanceforthecharacters:Sarah’sfleur-de-lisbutton,Charlotte’sstoryquilt,therabbit-headcanethatHandfulreceivesfromGoodis,andthespirittree.Chooseoneormoreoftheseobjectsanddiscusstheirsignificanceinthenovel.
Wereyouawareoftherole
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thatSarahandAngelinaGrimképlayedinabolitionandwomen’srights?Havewomen’sachievementsinhistorybeenlostoroverlooked?Whatdoyouthinkittakestobeareformertoday?
HowwouldyoudescribeSarahandAngelina’sunusualbond?Doyouthinkeitheroneofthem
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couldhaveaccomplishedwhattheydidontheirown?Haveyouknownwomenwhoexperiencedthissortofrelationshipassisters?
Someofthestaunchestenemiesofslaverybelievedthetimehadnotyetcomeforwomen’srightsandpressuredSarahandAngelinatodesistfromthecause,fearingitwouldsplit
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thecauseofabolition.Howdoyouthinkthesistersshouldhaverespondedtotheirdemand?Attheendofthenovel,Sarahasks,“Wasiteverrighttosacrificeone’struthforexpedience?”
WhataresomeoftheexamplesofHandful’switandsenseofirony,andhowdotheyhelphercopewith
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theburdensofslavery?
ContrastHandful’srelationshipwithhermotherwiththerelationshipbetweenSarahandtheelderMaryGrimké.Howarethetwoyoungerwomenformed—andmalformed—bytheirmothers?
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Kiddportraysanarrayofmalecharactersinthenovel:Sarah’sfather;Sarah’sbrother,Thomas;TheodoreWeld;DenmarkVesey;GoodisGrimké,IsraelMorris,BurkeWilliams.Someofthemaremenoftheirtime,someareaheadoftheirtime.Whichofthesemalecharactersdidyoufindmostcompelling?Whatpositiveandnegative
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rolesdidtheyplayinSarahandHandful’sevolvement?
HowhasyourunderstandingofslaverybeenchangedbyreadingTheInventionofWings?Whatdidyoulearnaboutitthatyoudidn’tknowbefore?
Sarahbelievedshecould
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nothaveavocationandmarriage,both.DoyouthinkshemadetherightdecisioninturningdownIsrael’sproposal?HowdoeshersituationcomparewithAngelina’smarriagetoTheodore?Inwhatwaysarewomentodaystillaskingthequestionofwhethertheycanhaveitall?
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HowdoesthespirittreefunctioninHandful’slife?Whatdoyouthinkoftheritualsandmeaningssurroundingit?
HadyouheardoftheDenmarkVeseyslaveplotbeforereadingthisnovel?Wereyouawareoftheextentthatslavesresisted?Whydoyouthinkthemythofthehappy,compliant
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slaveendured?WhatweresomeofthemoreinventiveorcunningwaysthatCharlotte,Handful,andothercharactersrebelledandsubvertedthesystem?
TheInventionofWingstakesthereaderbacktotherootsofracisminAmerica.HowhasslaveryleftitsmarkonAmericanlife?Towhatextenthasthewound
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beenhealed?DoyouthinkslaveryhasbeenatabootopicinAmericanlife?
AretherewaysinwhichKidd’snovelcanhelpusseeourownlivesdifferently?Howisthisstoryrelevantforustoday?
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Ms.Winfrey’sHighlightedPassages
andNotesfor
TheInventionofWings
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TherewasatimeinAfricathepeoplecouldfly.MaumatoldmethisonenightwhenIwastenyearsold.Shesaid,“Handful,yourgranny-maumasawitforherself.Shesaytheyflewovertreesandclouds.Shesaytheyflewlikeblackbirds.Whenwecamehere,we
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leftthatmagicbehind.”
Oprah’snote:
Ijustloveanopeningsentencethatgrabsyourattention.Thisonedid.“Thepeoplecouldfly.”
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Iwasshrewdlikemauma.EvenattenIknewthisstoryaboutpeopleflyingwaspuremalarkey.Weweren’tsomespecialpeoplewholostourmagic.Wewereslavepeople,andweweren’tgoinganywhere.ItwaslaterIsawwhatshemeant.Wecouldflyallright,
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butitwasn’tanymagictoit.
Oprah’snote:
ThatpassagegavemeanimmediatesenseofHetty’slikability.EventhoughIdidn’tyetknowanythingabouther,Iwasalreadyintrigued,drawnin.
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Clickheretoreturntothetext.
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Thedaylifeturnedintonothingthisworldcouldfix,Iwasintheworkyardboilingslavebedding,stokingfireunderthewashpot,myeyesburningfromspecksoflyesoapcatchingonthewind.Themorningwasacoldone—thesunlookedlikealittlewhitebutton
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stitchedtighttothesky.Forsummersweworehomespuncottondressesoverourdrawers,butwhentheCharlestonwintershoweduplikesomelazygirlinNovemberorJanuary,wegotintooursacks—thesethicksetcoatsmadeofheavyyarns.Justanoldsackwithsleeves.
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Minewasacast-offandtrailedtomyankles.Icouldn’tsayhowmanyunwashedbodieshadwornitbeforeme,buttheyhadallkindlylefttheirscentsonit.
Oprah’snote:
Iknowthismakesmeappear
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ancient,butthisparagraphremindsmeofmyearlylifewithmygrandmother.Watchingherboilclothesinabigironpot,makinglyesoap,feelingthestingofitburningmyowneyescatchingonthewind.
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Wehadawoodenpatchboxforkeepingourscraps,apouchforourneedlesandthreads,andatruebrassthimble.Maumasaidthethimblewouldbemineoneday.Whenshewasn’tusingit,Iworeitonmyfingertiplikeajewel.Wefilledourquiltsupwithraw
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cottonandwoolthrums.Thebestfillingwasfeathers,stillis,andmaumaandIneverpassedoneonthegroundwithoutpickingitup.Somedays,maumawouldcomeinwithapocketfulofgoosefeathersshe’dpluckedfrommattressholesinthehouse.Whenwegotdesperate
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tofillaquilt,we’dstripthelongmossfromtheoakintheworkyardandsewitbetweentheliningandthequilttop,chiggersandall.
Oprah’snote:
Ilovetheideaofathimblebeingatreasure,andhowthe
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authorpairedthimblewiththeword‘jewel’—thatstruckme,asdidthesenseofprideayoungslavegirltookinhermother’swork.Youhadtousewhatyouhadtomakeyourselffeelspecial.Ilovethatentireparagraph!
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Noisewasonherlistofslavesins,whichweknewbyheart.Numberone:stealing.Numbertwo:disobedience.Numberthree:laziness.Numberfour:noise.AslavewassupposedtobeliketheHolyGhost—don’tseeit,don’thearit,butit’salwayshoveringroundon
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ready.
Oprah’snote:
ThisremindedmeofalineinthemovieTheButler:“Theroomshouldfeelemptywhenyou’reinit,”andofhowdevaluingitistobeaskedtodisappear.
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Clickheretoreturntothetext.
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HernamewasMary,andthereendsanyresemblancetothemotherofourLord.ShewasdescendedfromthefirstfamiliesofCharleston,thatlittlecompanyofLordsthatKingCharleshadsentovertoestablishthecity.Sheworkedthisintoconversationsso
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tirelesslywenolongermadethetimeorefforttorolloureyes.Besidesgoverningthehouse,ahostofchildren,andfourteenslaves,shekeptuparoundofsocialandreligiousdutiesthatwould’vewornoutthequeensandsaintsofEurope.WhenIwasbeingforgiving,Isaidthatmy
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motherwassimplyexhausted.Isuspected,though,shewassimplymean.
Oprah’snote:
Thisperfectlysetsthetoneforwhatliesahead:ameanandprivilegedsouthernbellerunningahouseofslaves.
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Clickheretoreturntothetext.
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Everyeyefixedonme.Missussaid,“ThisisourlittleHetty.Sarah,dear,sheisyourpresent,yourveryownwaitingmaid.”
Oprah’snote:
Ireadthatandthinkofmy
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10-year-oldselfandwhatitwouldfeelliketobesomeone’spresent.Thishelpsmeimaginethat,andremindsmethatIwasbornattherighttime.
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Attheageofeleven,IownedaslaveIcouldn’tfree.
Oprah’snote:
Boththepowerandthepowerlessnessofthisstruckme.Toknowatageeleventhatslaveryiswrong,andyet
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beabletodonothingaboutit.
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Whatcamenextwasafast,bitterwind.
Monday,afterwegotdonewithdevotions,Aunt-Sistertookmaumaaside.Shesaidmissushadafriendwhodidn’tlikefloggingsandhadcomeupwiththeone-leggedpunishment.Aunt-Sisterwenttoalotoftrouble
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todrawusapictureofit.Shesaidtheywindaleathertieroundtheslave’sankle,thenpullthatfootupbehindhimandhitchthetieroundhisneck.Ifheletshisankledrop,thetiechokeshisthroat.
Weknewwhatshewastellingus.Maumasatdownonthekitchenhousestepsandlaid
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herheadflatagainstherknees.
Oprah’snote:
AsastudentofAfrican-Americanhistory,it’salwaysbeenstunningtomethatotherwiseseeminglycivilizedpeoplecouldconcoctsuchpunishmentsforotherhuman
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beings,forpeoplethey‘owned.’
Clickheretoreturntothetext.
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Iclosedmyeyesthen,butwhatIsawinthedarkwasworseastherealthing.Icrackedmyeyesandwatchedhertryingtokeepherlegfromdroppingdownandcuttingoffherair,fightingtostayupright.Shesethereyesontopoftheoaktree.Herstandinglegquivered.
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Bloodfromherhead-cutrandownhercheek.Itclungtoherjawlikerainontheroofeave.
Oprah’snote:
I’mthinkingofhowachildmusthaveseenthis,howtheimagemusthaveembeddeditselfinherspiritandcolored
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everythingfromthenon—influencedherentirefuture.
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Mauma’slegswouldwalkagainsameasever,butsheneverwasthesameinside.Afterthatday,itseemedpartofherwasalwaysbacktherewaitingforthestraptobeloosed.Itseemedlikethat’swhenshestartedlayinghercoldfireofhate.
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Oprah’snote:
Thereitis.“Thecoldfireofhate.”Suchavividforetellingofthefuture.
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Turning,Iwatchedhercarrythelanterntomydressingtable,lightswillingaboutherfeet.Whenshesetitdown,Isaid,“Hetty,shallIteachyoutoread?”
Oprah’snote:
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Knowingtheriskforbothofthem—foraslavetolearntoreadwasagainstthelaw—Ithoughtthiswasanincrediblypowerfulstatement.ForSarah,itwasaboutdoingwhatshecould.Ifshecouldn’tfreeHettyphysically,shecouldatleastempowerhermind.
Clickheretoreturntothetext.
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Thatsummer,Iturnedelevenyears,andmaumasaidthepalletIsleptonupstairswasn’tfitforadog.Weweresupposedtobeworkingonthenextrationofslaveclothes.Everyyearthemengottwobrownshirtsandtwowhite,twopants,twovests.Womengotthree
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dresses,fouraprons,andaheadscarf.Maumasaidallthatcouldwait.Sheshowedmehowtocutblacktriangleseachonebigastheendofmythumb,thenweappliquédtwohundredormoreonredsquares,acolormaumacalledoxblood.Wesewedontinycirclesofyellowforsunsplatter,
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thencrankeddownthequiltframeandpiecedeverythingtogether.Ihemmedonthehomespunbackingmyself,andwefilledtheinsidewithallthebattingandfeatherswehad.Icutaplugofmyhairandplugofmauma’sandputtheminsideforcharms.Ittooksixafternoons.
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Oprah’snote:
Dowhatyoucan—asmallwayofhonoringandstandingupforyourself.
ThispassagealsoremindsmethatIusedtogotomygrandmother’shouseandsleeponapallet.They’relikelittleblanketslaidonthefloor.Littlestuffedpiecesof
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blanket.
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Unabletoanswer,Ienteredmyroomandclosedthedoor.Isatonthedresserstool.Ifeltstrangeandhollow,unabletocry,unabletofeelanythingbutanempty,extinguishedplaceinthepitofmystomach.
Theknockatmydoormomentslaterwas
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light,andthinkingitwasHandful,Igatheredthelastcrumbsofmyenergyandcalledout,“...Ihavenoneedofyou.”
Motherentered,swayingwithherweight.“Itooknojoyinseeingyourhopesquashed,”shesaid.“Yourfatherandbrotherswerecruel,but
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Ibelievetheirmockerywasinequalportiontotheirastonishment.Alawyer,Sarah?TheideaissooutlandishIfeelIhavefailedyoubitterly.”
Sheplacedherpalmonthesideofherbellyandclosedhereyesasifwardingoffthethrustofanelboworfoot.Thegentleness
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inhervoice,herverypresenceinmyroomrevealedhowdistressedshewasforme,andyetsheseemedtosuggesttheirunkindnesswasjustified.
“Yourfatherbelievesyouareananomalousgirlwithyourcravingforbooksandyouraspirations,buthe’swrong.”
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Ilookedatherwithsurprise.Thehauteurhadlefther.TherewasalamentinherI’dneverseenbefore.“Everygirlcomesintotheworldwithvaryingdegreesofambition,”shesaid,“evenifit’sonlythehopeofnotbelongingbodyandsoultoherhusband.Iwasagirlonce,believe
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itornot.”Sheseemeda
stranger,awomanwithoutallthewoundsandarmaturetheyearsbring,butthenshewenton,anditwasMotheragain.“Thetruth,”shesaid,“isthateverygirlmusthaveambitionknockedoutofherforherowngood.Youareunusualonlyinyour
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determinationtofightwhatisinevitable.Youresistedandsoitcametothis,tobeingbrokenlikeahorse.”
Shebentandputherarmsaroundme.“Sarahdarling,you’vefoughtharderthanIimagined,butyoumustgiveyourselfovertoyourdutyandyourfateandmakewhatever
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happinessyoucan.”
Oprah’snote:
ThispassagewhereSarahrealizesshe’snevergoingtobepermittedtobecomealawyerwasstrikingonmanylevels.Hermotherdeliversharshwordsgently.Itwasstrikingtomehowquickly
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we’veforgottenhowfarwe’vecomeaswomen.Evenwhitewomenwereslaves,theyjustdidn’tknowit.Womenhadnorights.Youcouldn’townproperty.Youweredependentonyourfatheroronyourhusbandforeverything.Thereweresomanythingsyoucouldn’tbe—inessence,youwereaslave.Aslavetosociety.
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Sincethatdayayearpast,I’dgotmyselfafriendinMissSarahandfoundhowtoreadandwrite,butit’dbeenaheartlessroadlikemaumasaid,andIdidn’tknowwhatwouldcomeofus.Wemightstayheretherestofourliveswiththeskyslammedshut,but
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maumahadfoundthepartofherselfthatrefusedtobowandscrape,andonceyoufindthat,yougottroublebreathingonyourneck.
Oprah’snote:
Ilovethis—weasreadersget
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towitnesstheseedsofrebelliongrowinginsideHetty.ThispassageremindedmeofVictorFrankel’sAMan’sSearchForMeaning—itmeansyourlifehasmeaning.
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I’denteredsocietytwoyearsago,atsixteen,thrustintothelavishroundofballs,teas,musicalsalons,horseraces,andpicnics,which,accordingtoMother,meantthedazzlingdoorsofCharlestonhadflungopenandfemalelifecouldbegin
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inearnest.Inotherwords,Icouldtakeupthebusinessofprocuringahusband.Howhighbornandmoneyedthishusbandturnedouttobewoulddependentirelyontheallureofmyface,thedelicacyofmyphysique,theskillofmyseamstress,andthecharismaofmytête-à-
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tête.Notwithstandingmyseamstress,Iarrivedattheglitteryentrancelikealambtoslaughter.
Oprah’snote:
Ilovetheparallelnarrativebeingbuilthere,ofslavelifeversussouthernbellesociety.
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Clickheretoreturntothetext.
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MyaspirationtobecomeajuristhadbeenlaidtorestintheGraveyardofFailedHopes,anall-femaleestablishment.
Oprah’snote:
Thatisperfectlyput.Again,
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thisisareminderthatnotthatlongago,womencouldn’taspiretomostofthethingstheydotoday.Theywereslavestotheirfamily’sexpectations,tosociety’srules.
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Thedaymaumastartedsewingherstoryquilt,weweresittingoutbythespirittreedoinghandwork.Wealwaysdidthetrouble-freeworkthere—hems,buttons,andtrimmings,orthetinystitchesthatstrainedyoureyesinapoor-litroom.Theminutetheweather
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turnedfair,we’dspreadaquiltonthegroundandgototownwithourneedles.
Oprah’snote:
Iwasstruckherebytheimageryoffindinghappinesswhereandwhenyoucan,andherpassionforquilting—
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findingjoyinit.
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Lateintheafternoon,aftertheGrimkéshadgoneofftotheirplantationandthefewslavesleftonthepremisewereintheirquarters,maumasentmeintomasterGrimké’slibrarytofindoutwhatmeandherwouldsellfor.
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Oprah’snote:
IpersonallykeepslavedocumentslistingthevalueofslavesframedonmywallinCalifornia,andinmyofficeinChicago.ButuntilIreadthis,I’dneverthoughtofslavesknowingtheirown‘value’andhowthatwouldaffectthem,howitmight
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havemadethemfeel.Goosebumps.
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Goodsandchattel.Thewordsfromtheleatherbookcameintomyhead.Wewerelikethegoldleafmirrorandthehorsesaddle.Notfull-fledgepeople.Ididn’tbelievethis,neverhadbelieveditadayofmylife,butifyoulistentowhitefolkslongenough,somesad,
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beat-downpartofyoustartstowonder.
Oprah’snote:
Ifoundthatpassagestunninginitseffect—justasit’sstunningtoactuallysee“thatleatherbook.”IrememberthefirsttimeIlookedatslavedocumentsandsawthe
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namesofrealpeople,citedasproperty,listedrightnexttothehorsecarriage,numberofgoatsandsheep,andshoesthatpeopleowned.Asafreewoman,Icouldn’timaginewhatbeingequatedwithshoesorgoatsmighthavedonetothespiritofaslavegirl.That’swhythatsentenceissoamazing.“Goodsandchattel.”Becausewhatyouthinkwhenyoufirstseeitis
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‘OhmyGod,you’relistedwiththehorseandbuggy,withtheox,withsheep—withhowmanydishesthereare.’Howdoyoulivewiththatknowledge?
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HeassumedI’doutgrownmyrebellionsandbecomeliketherestofthem—aguardianofslavery.Icouldn’tfaulthimforit.Whenwasthelasttimeanyofthemhadheardmespeakoutagainstthepeculiarinstitution?I’dbeenwanderingaboutinthe
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enchantmentsofromance,afflictedwiththeworstfemalecurseonearth,theneedtomoldmyselftoexpectations.
Oprah’snote:
Tomethatsentencerepresentswhatitmeanttobe
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awomaninthenineteenthcenturyandlater—untilwegottherighttovote.“I’dbeenwanderingaboutintheenchantmentofromance,afflictedwiththeworstfemalecurseonearth,theneedtomoldmyselftoexpectations.”That’spowerful.Howfewwomenofthateraactuallygotthat?That’swhat’sexcitesmeaboutit.Whentheentire
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worldismoldingitselftoexpectations,whichisitsownformofslavery,whendoyoufinallyfigureoutthisisridiculous—whendoyourealize‘Ishouldbeabletolivemyownlife’?
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Bylaw,aslavewasthree-fifthsofaperson.ItcametomethatwhatI’djustsuggestedwouldseemparamounttoproclaimingvegetablesequaltoanimals,animalsequaltohumans,womenequaltomen,menequaltoangels.Iwasupendingtheorderof
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creation.Strangestofall,itwasthefirsttimethoughtsofequalityhadenteredmyhead,andIcouldonlyattributeittoGod,withwhomI’dlatelytakenupandwhowasprovingtobemoreinsurrectionarythanlaw-abiding.
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Oprah’snote:
Ilovethebrewinginsurrectionhere.It’sgreat.Suchapowerfulpassage.
ThethingIloveaboutabooklikethisis,youknow,it’sjustlikeTheButler.Peoplegotothatmovieandthey’relike,‘OhmyGod,it’ssoamazing,thishappenedin
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ourcountry.’Uhhhyea,justdid.30yearsago.Youcanhearaboutthehistoryofslaveryoverandover,butwhenyoureadaboutitinthecontextofastorylikethis,itallowsyoutofeelitdifferently.That’swhatgoodfictionwilldoforyou.
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Thenhereadsomethingthatmadethehairsonmyarmsraise.“SheshallreceiveanysixofmyNegroeswhomsheshallchoose,andtherestshewillsellordisperseamongmychildren,asshedetermines.”
Binahwasstandingnexttome.Iheardher
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whisper,“Lord,no.”Ilookeddownthe
rowofslaves.Therewasjustelevenofusnow—Rosettahadpassedoninhersleeptheyearbefore.
Sheshallreceiveanysix...therestshewillsellordisperse.Fiveofuswereleaving.
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Oprah’snote:
Iimaginethiswaseveryslave’sgreatestfear.Asbadastheknownis,theunknownisworse.
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“Whenyouthinkofme,yousay,sheneverdidbelongtothosepeople.Sheneverbelongtonobodybutherself.”
Oprah’snote:
Thissentencecommunicateswhattrueempowerment
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means.
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Ipulledthequiltroundhershoulders.Highinthelimbs,thecrowscawed.Thedovesmoaned.Thewindbentdowntolifthertothesky.
Oprah’snote:
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Thatremindsmeofthefirstlineofthebook,that“peoplecouldfly.”Hettygottoseehermamatakeflight.“Ipulledthequiltaroundhershoulders,highinthelimbs,thecrowscawed.Thedovesmoaned.Thewindbentdowntolifthertothesky.”Shegottoseehermamatakeflight.
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Asheleft,IpeeredatSarahMappsandhermother,thewaytheygrabbedhandsandsqueezedinrelief,andthenatNina,atthesmallexultationonherface.ShewasbraverthanI,shealwayshadbeen.Icaredtoomuchfortheopinionofothers,shecarednota
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whit.Iwascautious,shewasbrash.Iwasathinker,shewasadoer.Ikindledfires,shespreadthem.Andrightthenandeverafter,IsawhowcunningtheFateshadbeen.Ninawasonewing,Iwastheother.
Oprah’snote:
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Thisiswhat’smeantbythetitle,TheInventionofWings.Theinventionofwingsoccursinallsizes,canmanifestitselfdifferentlyindifferentpeople—it’sallaboutfreedom,abouttakingflight.
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We’dsetdowneveryargumenttheSouthmadeforslaveryandrefutedthemall.Ididn’tstutteronthepage.Itwasanecstasytowritewithouthesitation,towriteeverythinghiddeninsideofme,towritewiththesortofaudacityIwouldn’t
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havefoundinperson.
Oprah’snote:
Thisisaboutfindingavoice,abouttruecourage.Thatiswhatthisbookisabout.Forme,itisthestoryofcomingintoyourown.Aboutreachingwithinyourself,nomatteryourcircumstances,
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andfindingyourpower.That’sprofound.
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