all quiet on the domestic front

www.fatheringhacks.com

All quiet on the domestic front

http://www.fatheringhacks.com



a 5-minute relationship hack




fromfatheringhacks.com






Who does what jobs around the home can be a major source of friction.




1. Stuff we fight about2. Stuff we fight about3. Stuff we fight about4. Stuff we fight about5. Stuff we fight about6. Stuff we fight about7. Stuff we fight about8. Stuff we fight about9. Stuff we fight about10. Stuff we fight about

In order...




1. Stuff we fight about2. Who does what around the house3. Stuff we fight about4. Stuff we fight about5. Stuff we fight about6. Stuff we fight about7. Stuff we fight about8. Stuff we fight about9. Stuff we fight about10. Stuff we fight about




1. Disagreements about money2. Who does what around the house3. Stuff we fight about4. Stuff we fight about5. Stuff we fight about6. Stuff we fight about7. Stuff we fight about8. Stuff we fight about9. Stuff we fight about10. Stuff we fight about




Fact is, things have changed...




Women have returned to the workforce, and men are doing more around the

house, but...




...time-use studies consistently show that women still carry a heavier load of the household and child care duties then

men.




And many women are not happy about it.




And many women are not happy about it.

60% of women think

they do more than their fair share of housework.




And over half of the partners of men who think they are doing their fair share, beg

to differ.




If the stats are true, the domestics could be a ticking bomb for many men.




A new baby can further exacerbate the situation.



www.fatheringhacks.com4Housework increases fourfold with the

arrival of a baby.


If they haven't thought it through, couples tend to revert back to traditional

gender roles after having a baby.




In balancing a heavy paid and unpaid workload, women tend to sacrifice me-

time. The loss of rest, recreation and re-charging time means greater personal stress—which ultimately is also bad for

the relationship.




Another problem is the difference between ‘helping out’ and taking

responsibility.




You often hear women say, "He helps when I ask, but I have to do all the

thinking and planning."




Daily squabbles and disputes, or even an underlying simmering resentment, about

who is doing the household work can gradually erode the good will in your

relationship.




The key issue is not whether the way domestic tasks are shared in your home

conforms to some kind of social ideal, but rather whether you as a couple are

happy with the way household work is distributed.




Caring for children is hard work. It's as hard or harder than most paid jobs.

Adopt the attitude that all work is work, whether it's paid or unpaid. The question for couples then, is how do we share the

work.




The key is talking about it.




The key is talking about it.

Begin a conversation about how the domestic work in your

family is being handled.




Take the attitude that if one is unhappy, then both are unhappy.




It might help, especially if domestic chores are already a sensitive issue in your household, to adopt a structured approach to your conversation. Here's

one approach you could use.




Step 1




Make a list of all the regular tasks and chores that need doing at home




Chores Make a list of all the regular tasks and chores that need doing at home




Chores




Chores

Vacuuming




Chores

Vacuuming

Cleaning the shower




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Cleaning out the gutters




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry





Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Be specific; you may need to break bigger chores into smaller tasks




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry





Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes

Folding and putting away




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Step 2




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Identify who is responsible for each chore




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Identify who is responsible for each chore

Responsible?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both being responsible can mean that no-one is responsible. Or someone might be responsible, but the responsibility is not being acknowledged.

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both

If it's ‘both’ - how is responsibility shared?Do you take turns? Do your own?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Step 3




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Identify whether you are both happy with the arrangement




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?

Identify whether you are both happy with the arrangement




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

NoBoth (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?

Yes




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?

Yes

Step 4




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?

Yes




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?

Yes

Now return to each chore where one of you is unhappy. Negotiate a new arrangement that you can both be happy with.




Chores

Vacuuming

Feeding the cat

Cleaning the shower

Laundry


Washing clothes

Hanging clothes


Ironing

Yes

No

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

Both (week turns)

Responsible?

Him

Her

Her

Him

Both (week turns)

Her

Both (iron own)

Both happy?

Yes




If you find yourself getting stuck in debates over who should do a particular

job, redouble your efforts to negotiate and compromise.




You could try...




Deciding on the basis of who wants the job done the most.




Deciding on the basis of your personal preferences or what you are good at.




Deciding on the basis of the timing of the task and who will be there to get it done.




Deciding to rotate a chore, one week or one month about.




Bargaining one chore against another...




...or deciding to sleep on it and come back to it later.




Finally...




Step 5




Before you finish, look again at the overall balance of chores and tasks.




Write down you new plan. It's the best way to remember your new

commitments.




Now honour your agreement.




Then, at an agreed time in the future, sit down and review the agreement. Be

prepared to change things that are not working.




For more relationship and parenting issues, tools, and tips with

a fathering bent visit...






all quiet on the domestic front

Health & Medicine

hard work

women thinkthey

way household work

howthe domestic work

paid jobs

key issue

fair share of housework

partners of men whothink