a quick look to an insane mind - leo publishing
TRANSCRIPT
A STORY WITHIN A STORY.
“I recognize that I do not know if I chose to be the victim first or the other way around. I already did too many personifications to remember which one was the first. Please, take a seat and relax; I cannot kill you with my words . . . at least not yet.”
Killer Raves for A Quick Look to an Insane Mind “Is it possible to rehabilitate the criminal mind? What if that mind is a stream of consciousness that flows, intact, from one lifetime to the next, one graveyard to the next, or one planetary system to the next? Meet END, found guilty of heinous crimes and sentenced to an insane asylum where he, along with other inmates, are kept in solitary confinement. Hear END’s confessions, wrought on pilfered paper with pen, in the form of self-reflective psycho-social assessments, lucid commentary on the justice and mental health communities, and interspersed with a pastiche of epistolary prose, media reportage, and confessional poetry. In the satirically titled A Quick Look To An Insane Mind, E.N. de Choudens ushers you through the serial incarnations of a supposedly insane individual. But which is more insane—the obsessive-compulsive dynamic of stalker and prey, the forensic system that labels individuals as such, the asylum wardens who deprive the accused, or the inmates themselves who seek to demonstrate the rationality of their deeds? Then there is the possibility that END is channeling the Dark Muse Herself, guiding readers through the maze of their own inner asylum . . .”
~Terrie Leigh Relf, author of The Poet’s Workshop—and Beyond! “A whirling, restless view into a darker mind . . . A Quick Look To An Insane Mind takes you on a journey into places better left alone . . . a trip into madness and decay.”
~Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc, best-selling, award-winning Horror Sinisteria author
“Born from the darkest instincts, blossoming amidst the cold vacuum . . . A beautiful collection . . . , this book is more than worth your patronage.”
~Jacob Milnestein, Psychopomp: A Quarterly Anthology, and author of Sophistry—UK
“A fascinating collection of dark poetry exploring the mind of a serial killer. A man judged by law to be mentally ill but not being of the same opinion.”
~Lisa Knight, Artifice Comic—UK
POEMS AND NARRATIVES written from a point of view of a criminally insane man
E.N. De Choudens
LEO PUBLISHING , LLC King of Books
This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in the poems and narratives are either fictitious or are used fictitiously.
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND
Copyright © 2013 by Efrain Nadal De Choudens
Cover art: Marina S. Buryak http://www.leopublishing.net/featuredartists.htm
Copy editor: Marina Buryak
Book design: Marina Buryak
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher.
This book is printed on acid-free paper.
Leo Publishing, LLC www.leopublishing.net Florida
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013933458
ISBN: 978-0-9834735-8-9
Printed in USA
I DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO MY LOVELY FAMILY, MY WIFE, MARIA BAUZA, AND MY SONS,
ANGELO AND GIA NADAL
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS When I began to write, my English was terrible; now it’s better and for some of my work I needed a little help to correct my grammatical errors and to correct the loss of meaning during translation. I want to thank Sheri Stanley and Leah Sharp who helped me in the past with some of the pieces. Thanks to Tyree Campbell from Sam’s Dot Publishing who in the past gave some suggestions to correct various poems. To Kenneth Crist from “Black Petals” and author of Mirages and The Gazing Ball, who helped in the past with some poems and in the present with some of the new ones. Thanks to Melissa Ann Perez for giving me the idea for the poem “Melissa,” I am sorry, Lizzy, but I needed to remove the good part of your “good evil guardian.” Thanks to Leslie Kahan-Jones for her opinion of some of the new poems and to Liz Worth, author of Treat Me Like Dirt: An Oral History of Punk in Toronto and Beyond and Amphetamine Hearts for her opinions about the collection. I need to mention that I do not personally know all the people who helped me. I met all of them via Internet for their interest in the literary world. This is an example in how the arts can bring together a few strangers who share some common interest.
POETRY CONTENTS
Note: Normally, a Haiku, its variations and other short forms of poetry don’t have a title, and traditionally, but rarely, they can be identified using the place where they were written and the date on which they were written. The use of the first line of them is a normal practice. This is because they are so short that even the use of a title can break the flow of the poems. Combined Haiku can have a title.
The first lines of unnamed poems appear inside parenthesis, and bold indicates the first poem of a new section.
Don’t forget to read the narratives!
THE SECRETS OF MY SOUL ................................. 32 THE PRISON ........................................................... 34 ALONE ..................................................................... 35 (lonely valentine) ...................................................... 36 KNIFE ....................................................................... 37 PAIN ......................................................................... 38 VOICES .................................................................... 39 (first day of the year) ................................................ 40 MY NIGHTMARE ..................................................... 41 (shadow in the dark) ................................................. 43 POET OF THE MACABRE ....................................... 44 THE BEAST WITHIN ................................................ 46 FALLING TEARS ..................................................... 47
(full moon) ................................................................ 48 INSANE ................................................................... 49 WITHOUT YOU ....................................................... 51 THE END ................................................................. 52 DEEP INSIDE .......................................................... 53 MUSEUM OF DEATH .............................................. 54 SOLITARY ............................................................... 56 PURGATORY .......................................................... 57 (I remember) ............................................................ 58 THE ALBERT FISH FLASH ..................................... 59 THE FUNERAL ........................................................ 61 CLOUDS .................................................................. 62 DEMONS ................................................................. 63 ONE LAST THOUGHT ............................................ 64 UNDER THE OLD TREE ......................................... 68 NO FAMILY .............................................................. 69 (one silent moment) ................................................. 70 SAND CLOCK .......................................................... 71 THE GHOST OF ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH ........... 72 FROM THE CRYPT ................................................. 75 A LONELY SOUL ..................................................... 76 (flowers in the air) .................................................... 77 THE CALL OF THE DARK ....................................... 78
(one eternal cry) ....................................................... 79 ROSES ..................................................................... 80 A LOST SOUL .......................................................... 81 THE OLD TOMB ...................................................... 82 (cemetery dance) ..................................................... 83 THE ETERNAL WALK ............................................. 84 (family gifts) .............................................................. 86 FATE ........................................................................ 87 (painful agony) ......................................................... 88 WHERE AM I? .......................................................... 89 (desperate screams) ................................................ 90 THE LAST RIVER .................................................... 91 ESCAPE FROM THE TOMB .................................... 93 (darkness all around) ................................................ 94 FOREVER SOUL ..................................................... 95 THEY LEAVE ME NO REST .................................... 96 THE GUIDE .............................................................. 97 FALL INTO THE NIGHT ......................................... 101 (a hot summer night) .............................................. 102 THE STORM AND SOMETHING ELSE ................. 103 SIREN’S CALL ....................................................... 105 ZOMBIES ............................................................... 106 TONIGHT ............................................................... 107
THE CRYSTAL BALL ............................................ 108 (a full, brilliant moon) .............................................. 109 THE FISHERMAN .................................................. 110 HE IS WAITING FOR ME ...................................... 111 THE STRANGER ................................................... 112 EDEN ..................................................................... 114 (a night with full moon) ........................................... 115 LOVE FROM THE SEA ......................................... 116 VENOM .................................................................. 117 SHADOW ............................................................... 118 MELISSA ............................................................... 119 (midnight mysteries) ............................................... 121 THE HORSEMAN .................................................. 122 (many are walking) ................................................. 123 THEY COME AT NIGHT ........................................ 124 THE OLD TREE ..................................................... 125 (creepy Halloween) ................................................ 126 THE GOD MAKEMAKE ......................................... 127 (sailing in the mist) ................................................. 129 DROPS .................................................................. 130 THE WINGS OF THE FALLENS ............................ 131 (a deadly creature) ................................................. 132 MY HALLOWEEN NIGHT ...................................... 133
(the old plantation) .................................................. 135 THE SHADOW OF THE NIGHT ............................. 136 WITCHY WOMAN .................................................. 137 (sands of time) ....................................................... 138 DEADLY MEETING ................................................ 139 (the headless horseman) ........................................ 141 NIGHTSHIFT LOVER ............................................. 142 ANGEL OF FIRE .................................................... 143 (red planet) ............................................................ 147 DEAD PETS ........................................................... 148 (distant galaxy) ....................................................... 151 FAR AWAY FROM ANTARES ............................... 152 (immense passion) ................................................. 154 ALIEN INVASION ................................................... 155 (I see a dark sky) .................................................... 156 EUROPEAN VACATION ........................................ 157 (summer vacation) .................................................. 158 DOUBLE SMILE ..................................................... 159 (my first visit) .......................................................... 160 BUSINESS TRIP .................................................... 161 (hot summer day) ................................................... 162 DIGITAL DESIRE ................................................... 163 (a cold beer) ........................................................... 164
SPACE WALK ........................................................ 165 (My first child) ......................................................... 166 A CALL FROM OUTHER SPACE .......................... 167 (a black hole) ......................................................... 168 HALLOWEEN IN A FAR PLACE ............................ 169 (cold darkness) ...................................................... 170 THE PLAGUE ........................................................ 171 (space travel) ......................................................... 172 SURPRISE ............................................................. 173 CONTACT ............................................................. 174 SPRING’S KISS ..................................................... 179 (Cajun swamps) ..................................................... 181 (Foggy mourning) ................................................... 182 OUR STORMY SEA .............................................. 183 DISTANT STAR ..................................................... 184 FORGIVE ME ........................................................ 186 OUR BLESSING LOVE ......................................... 187 THE ANGEL’S TEARS .......................................... 188 SUMMER NIGHT ................................................... 190 FOOL ..................................................................... 191
INTRODUCTION A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND is a collection of 125 poems divided in four major sections with an additional small section at the end. The poems are presented through the eyes of a mentally ill man, and the sections are organized from the most grotesque part to the less bizarre section. The last principal section has some humoristic pieces to lower the impression of the previous ones and the post section has a few simple, “rose-colored” pieces to let you go with a little vision of a more positive end. I needed to include in them a related poem to correlate the last poems with the main story, and for that reason I added a very simple Limerick poem. This was premeditated; it is simple but it has its purpose. Limericks are humorous, witty, and even nonsensical poems, and I wanted to end my collection with humor. Poetry can be written in different established styles; also, writing poetry differs from one person to another. On various occasions the personalization of one style can be the beginning of a new one. Example of this is the creation of the Cinquain for Adelaide Crapsey (1878-1914) who used the Japanese tanka and haiku for inspiration. (Applegate, J. 2006; Gage, J. 2008). Like this, there are and will be other
styles of poems, Horrorku and Scifaiku from Haiku and Senryu, One-Breath from a Scifaiku and more. For this collection I explored different forms of poetry, like Horrorku, Scifaku, One-Breath, Sijo, Fibonacci, Fibonacci –no-ku, Cinquain, Tanka, Haibum, Found, and others. My personal favorite styles for Science Fiction and Horror poetry are the Haibun and the two Haiku variations, Horrorku and Scifaiku. In a Haibun the poet can create a short story and leave the ending of the poem to the reader’s imagination, thanks to the addition of a Haiku. More complex forms of a Haibun can be created using one Haiku between scenes. Why is the Haiku an excellent mechanism for the genre of Horror and Science Fiction? Joshua Gage, in the pamphlet “Drops of Blood: A Horrorku Sampler,” gives us an excellent explanation to this: “Haiku are the specific details of a moment and thus can easily be adapted to horror, which is based on moments building up to what has come or details about what has already happened.” The suspense moment that the Haiku create in horror or science fiction poems is the reason for my preference to this style and its variations. Poetry differs from person to person, from culture to culture, but no matter how it is written or who writes the poem, at the end it is going to hold great emotion or is going to tell a story. Most of my poems are condensed stories but more than one, and in one way or another, some of them also can hold some level of emotions.
INTRO REFERENCES: Applegate, J. 2006. Science Fiction Cinquain. Scifaikuest magazine. Feb. 2006 Gage, J. 2008. Introducing the Cinquain. Scifaikuest magazine. Feb. 2008 Gage, J. 2009. Drops of Blood: A Horrorku Sampler. Pamphlet from the Fiction Poetry Association.
“I'm no lunatic man. I'm
a sane man fighting for
his soul.”
FORENSIC PSYCHIATRY
20 E.N. De Choudens
SERIAL KILLER-DECLARED-MADMAN CRAZY MAN THINKS HE IS AN IMMORTAL LOCAL INSTI- TUTION RECEIVED INSANE KILLER INSANE MAN IS CON- VINCED THAT HE CAN POS- SESS YOUR BODY A WOMAN WAS FOUND DEAD ON HALLO- WEEN NIGHT “THE DEMONS ARE CHASING ME,” CLAIMED CRAZY MAN THE “VAMPIRE” ATTACKS AGAIN DEAD WOMAN FOUND WITHOUT BLOOD MAN DECLARED MENTALLY UNSTABLE COULD FACE DEATH PENALTY TWO MORE BODIES FOUND
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 21
MADMAN THINK HE IS AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE MULTIPLE BODY PARTS FOUND IN CRAZY MAN’S HOUSE THE NUMBER OF MISSING PEOPLE ARE CLIMB- ING “YOU CANNOT TOUCH ME, I AM A GHOST,” SAID A MENTALLY ILL MAN FISHERMAN FOUND DEAD IN THE BAY SUSPECT OF MULTIPLE DEATHS ARREST- ED CRAZY MAN SAID HE LIVES IN A CEMETERY “I AM A ZOMBIE,” SAID MENTAL PATIENT MENTAL ILLNESS HAVEN’T SAVED PSYCHIATRIC PATIENT FROM EXECUTION
Forensic Psychiatry is a medical subspecialty that includes research and practice in the many areas in which psychiatry is applied to legal issues. It is the point where the mental health and the legal system overlap; it is where they share a common boundary, like violence, criminal responsibility, mental disability, and others. The actual practice of Forensic Psychiatry can differ from country to country because of differences in legal systems.
Source: American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 23
THE COUNTY NEWS
SERIAL KILLER TO FACE DEATH PENALTY The county psychiatric facility is ready to transfer the serial killer END to a new institution. Strict security measures are being taken by the facility administration and the local police. After various years of spreading terror around the country, the notorious criminal, END, is going to be transferred to a maximum security prison. END was captured last year and was declared mentally incompetent. He was recruited to a forensic psychiatric unit. During the following months, a legal battle was raised; the issue was whether END can be judged. But after several attempts to permanently include him in the psychiatric facility, the trial was performed. Even though he was declared legally insane, the jury found him guilty for all the charges. Those charges include various murders, rapes, robberies, and other felonies. The Supreme Court judge gave him the maximum penalty: a death sentence. Tomorrow END is going to be transferred, awaiting his turn to a lethal injection.
24 E.N. De Choudens
Two different groups are beginning to gather in front of the psychiatric correctional hospital. The human rights group are protesting the implementation of the death penalty, especially to a legally mentally ill patient, and the other group is celebrating the court’s decision. The court wants to apply the sentence as soon as possible, to avoid any possible revision in the future. END is too dangerous to be alive. This could break some protocols and is going to be the focus of new protests. One thing is for sure, END is going to continue being the source of more news for some time.
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 25
A LETTER FROM MY ASYLUM’S CELL
Dear stranger, I am sure that you are asking what this is. Probably you are thinking that this is just a bunch of nonsense words from a madman, but you are wrong. No my friend, this is not just a bunch of crazy words or sentences without meanings. This is the opportunity that I am providing to you: being a justice’s judge. As you can see, I hid this document inside my pillow. If you are reading it, it is because I succeeded in sending out my work, and my dear friend, you are the lucky one who found it. Right now you have some questions in your mind. Maybe you are asking why I wrote this, or maybe, and probably, you have more interest in knowing why I am a prisoner in this sad place, in this lunatic asylum. Yes, you read well. I say lunatic asylum, or if you prefer, we can call it a lunatic sanitarium. I can be aware of that; I am an inmate. They don’t like to call this place in that way because a lunatic asylum was an old institution that used radical physical therapies such as restriction of a dangerous person or the use of physical and mental abuse and other supposedly obsolete
26 E.N. De Choudens
techniques. In the past, the insulin shock therapy and the lobotomies were the normal procedure for treating a mental patient. Those methods are considered barbaric for the modern days. They are using “civilized” methods in these days. I don’t think so. Today they use modern medical drugs for the treatment of the supposed mentally ill person, but having a person all the time under the influence of antipsychotic drugs or psychiatric drugs is not another form focused on containment and retention? Having us, the inmates, locked behind bars and heavy doors with guards and custodians walking and inspecting everything for twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week is not another form of restriction? Limiting or even not allowing any visit of families and friends is not a mental abuse? Using fire hoses over us, letting us walk around the place without shoes or sandals, wearing a single medical gown, which does not protect us from the cold, is not a physical abuse? Yes, this is a lunatic asylum; this is a hospital for the criminally insane. The people here call this place a psychiatric hospital, but that is just a fancy word for the same place. As you see, the restrain, the abuse, and the lock of wrong people is the same now than was many years ago. You can find different types of “modern psychiatric hospitals,” all of them full of people who are suffering of some kind of mental illnesses or maybe not. Just because someone is different they send him to one of these “hospitals.” Well, I am different, but to be someone different does not explain to me why I am here. The truth is that I am not sure about the reason,
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 27
but they put me inside these walls because they said that I am mentally unstable, that I am a menace to the society. Why they said that? Because I can travel to other bodies, other places, other universes? To be capable of doing anything I want? Live any life or to take any life? They are just a bunch of ignorant people.
I think they are just jealous of me, of my abilities, and now they are trying to avoid my little escapes. I can guarantee that that will be a futile effort. No matter how many walls they put around me, no matter how many drugs they give me, I can continue projecting myself to any place and to be what I want to be. There are no limits for my mind.
I think that is why they are going to transfer me. Tomorrow they are going to send me to another place, to a different institution. They said that my crimes are too horrendous to let my insanity be an excuse to avoid an appropriate punishment. They said that I cannot hide myself behind the medical fact of having a disoriented mind. No, no forgiveness for me, soon they are going to give me the opportunity to order my last favorite meal. What a waste of time.
The reasons why I wrote this, or to be more accurate, the reason why I am letting you read my recorded adventures is to give you the option to judge my sanity. You are going to be the real judge for me. If you continue reading this, you are accepting the responsibility. I am going to trust in your judgment and common sense.
What am I going to tell you in these pages? Let me start by saying that during my days here, I wrote about my escapes, about things
28 E.N. De Choudens
that I did before they locked me inside these depressing walls and things that I did inside of them. I wrote anytime that I had the opportunity. They don’t give me paper and less a pencil or a pen— objects too dangerous in my hand. I stole this one when one of the doctors paid me a quick visit a long time ago, and for the paper, for the paper I use any small piece that I can obtain. I needed to write fast and short, depending on the piece that I had in that moment, but you will understand all that I am going to say. You are going to have a good description of my different lives. You are going to know about my incarnations like a murderer, a ghost, more than one creature, a victim, an astronaut, an alien, and who knows what else. There are no limits for me in this universe. Why they call madness to my gift? Why did they say that I am a menace: because I’m not part of the normal development of my society? Culture and society are an evolutionary structure. They were different in the past, and they are going to be different in the future. Just because I’m ahead of the actual standard for the society, they can say that I have a mental disorder? They simply do not understand. Probably my next journey will be to another dimension, to another existence, but don’t worry, because as always, I will return.
Sincerely: E.N.D. May 26, 2012
INSIDE A SINISTER SOUL
30 E.N. De Choudens
Post data It is early in the morning. The corridors are in silence and the low light is creating a baleful atmosphere. The custodian did his frequent check-up routine a few minutes ago. I still can hear his pathetic steps making echoes in this lonely corridor. I did not sleep. No, I did not sleep not because I am too scared for the transfer. No, it’s not that. I did not sleep because I was busy. The fact that they are going to come for me very soon doesn’t worry me at all. I wanted to stay awake because I wanted to organize my papers. I don’t want to give you a bunch of information, the history of my life, without any explanation about it. If I did, for sure you were going to be so confused that you’d throw the documents in the closest trashcan you have, and in that way you wouldn’t learn anything about me. Last night, I grouped my documents in four parts to help you understand my experience better. Let’s begin with the more human part because the human part of any of us, of our existence, is the one who keeps our deepest feelings. This is the one that I needed to dominate first before I move forward in my voyage. And this is the first part that you need to understand, so you can interpret in a correct way the following steps of my life. I called this first part of
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 31
my life ‘Inside a sinister soul’ because the people here constantly say that I have a sinister soul, but they also say that I have an evil soul, a perverse soul, or even that I not have any soul at all. But no matter how they call me, the fact is that the barbaric state of a human being is the first step of this being’s evolution, and this barbaric state is the beginning of my transformation. Here I will describe some of my most private moments from my early days. In some of them I was the dominant being and in others I was just the victim. Which one occurred first? I don’t know. Some doctors in this place think that I was a victim during my childhood, and for that reason I developed a criminal mind. Others say that I was born having a criminal mind, but like I said before, they just don’t understand me. They do not understand that I was moving myself between a victim and a perpetrator so I could achieve the goals of my first step of this evolution. I recognize that I do not know if I chose to be the victim first or the other way around. I already did too many personifications to remember which one was the first. Please, take a seat and relax; I cannot kill you with my words . . . at least not yet.
E.N.D. May 27, 2012, at 0610 A.M.
32 E.N. De Choudens
Howling eerie wind Blowing in the midnight sky
The bright light of the moon
Washing the tall trees Keepers of my sins
Secrets untold
Flickering light Branches break
Sweet young girl Your innocent life
They are going to take
Tonight is the end
Shattered and torn
34 E.N. De Choudens
slimy blood drips silently
from the depth of my flesh
the red wine of my veins moves patiently through my skin
sliding down until the floor
leaving a ruby color of a viscose fluid over me
a bloody trail
from where my life is escaping the body
that was once it prison cell and now is a dying man
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 35
ALONE
From my early life I see the hours passing in front of me
leaving in my soul the illusion of a dream
From the gray of the sky
and the cold of the winter wind the death is showing its face
I feel a delicious peace
From the corner of the street the one that is a home to me
the people will walk without sein’ how I close my eyes to end this agony
36 E.N. De Choudens
blood over the floor
KNIFE
a sharp blade that is deep in your flesh
I am holding the other end!
the metal instrument is covered in dark red
the color of a dying life the deliverer of your last breath
E. N. De Choudens
Caribbean island of Puerto
sea and the nice sun. If he was
not practicing scuba diving,
fishing, surfing, camping, or
science fiction book or
magazine. He studied Marine Biology at the University of Puerto
Rico and Creative Writing at Southern New Hampshire
University. In addition to the outdoor activities, the author has a
fascination for antique cars, and he tries to enjoy any classic car
auto-show or museum. During the past years he has published
various poems and short stories in different magazines, e-zine,
and anthologies. Coming from a Spanish culture, the English
language is the major challenge for his writing, making every
publication a major personal success. Now he is living with his
wife and his two kids in the state of Maryland, missing the sun
and the blue sea but embracing new experiences and adventures.
If you enjoyed this book,
please review at your favorite site:
Amazon, Goodreads, B&N,
- LEO PUBLISHING -
“I recognize that I do not know if I chose to be the victim first or the other way around. I already did too many personifications to remember which one was the first. Please, take a seat and relax; I cannot kill you with my words . . . at least not yet.”
Killer Raves for A Quick Look to an Insane Mind “Is it possible to rehabilitate the criminal mind? What if that mind is a stream of consciousness that flows, intact, from one lifetime to the next, one graveyard to the next, or one planetary system to the next? Meet END, found guilty of heinous crimes and sentenced to an insane asylum where he, along with other inmates, are kept in solitary confinement. Hear END’s confessions, wrought on pilfered paper with pen, in the form of self-reflective psycho-social assessments, lucid commentary on the justice and mental health communities, and interspersed with a pastiche of epistolary prose, media reportage, and confessional poetry. In the satirically titled A Quick Look To An Insane Mind, E.N. de Choudens ushers you through the serial incarnations of a supposedly insane individual. But which is more insane—the obsessive-compulsive dynamic of stalker and prey, the forensic system that labels individuals as such, the asylum wardens who deprive the accused, or the inmates themselves who seek to demonstrate the rationality of their deeds? Then there is the possibility that END is channeling the Dark Muse Herself, guiding readers through the maze of their own inner asylum . . .”
~Terrie Leigh Relf, author of The Poet’s Workshop—and Beyond! “A whirling, restless view into a darker mind . . . A Quick Look To An Insane Mind takes you on a journey into places better left alone . . . a trip into madness and decay.”
~Andrea Dean Van Scoyoc, best-selling, award-winning Horror Sinisteria author
“Born from the darkest instincts, blossoming amidst the cold vacuum . . . A beautiful collection . . . , this book is more than worth your patronage.”
~Jacob Milnestein, Psychopomp: A Quarterly Anthology, and author of Sophistry—UK
“A fascinating collection of dark poetry exploring the mind of a serial killer. A man judged by law to be mentally ill but not being of the same opinion.”
~Lisa Knight, Artifice Comic—UK
POEMS AND NARRATIVES written from a point of view of a criminally insane man
E.N. De Choudens
LEO PUBLISHING , LLC King of Books
This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in the poems and narratives are either fictitious or are used fictitiously.
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND
Copyright © 2013 by Efrain Nadal De Choudens
Cover art: Marina S. Buryak http://www.leopublishing.net/featuredartists.htm
Copy editor: Marina Buryak
Book design: Marina Buryak
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher.
This book is printed on acid-free paper.
Leo Publishing, LLC www.leopublishing.net Florida
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013933458
ISBN: 978-0-9834735-8-9
Printed in USA
I DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO MY LOVELY FAMILY, MY WIFE, MARIA BAUZA, AND MY SONS,
ANGELO AND GIA NADAL
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS When I began to write, my English was terrible; now it’s better and for some of my work I needed a little help to correct my grammatical errors and to correct the loss of meaning during translation. I want to thank Sheri Stanley and Leah Sharp who helped me in the past with some of the pieces. Thanks to Tyree Campbell from Sam’s Dot Publishing who in the past gave some suggestions to correct various poems. To Kenneth Crist from “Black Petals” and author of Mirages and The Gazing Ball, who helped in the past with some poems and in the present with some of the new ones. Thanks to Melissa Ann Perez for giving me the idea for the poem “Melissa,” I am sorry, Lizzy, but I needed to remove the good part of your “good evil guardian.” Thanks to Leslie Kahan-Jones for her opinion of some of the new poems and to Liz Worth, author of Treat Me Like Dirt: An Oral History of Punk in Toronto and Beyond and Amphetamine Hearts for her opinions about the collection. I need to mention that I do not personally know all the people who helped me. I met all of them via Internet for their interest in the literary world. This is an example in how the arts can bring together a few strangers who share some common interest.
POETRY CONTENTS
Note: Normally, a Haiku, its variations and other short forms of poetry don’t have a title, and traditionally, but rarely, they can be identified using the place where they were written and the date on which they were written. The use of the first line of them is a normal practice. This is because they are so short that even the use of a title can break the flow of the poems. Combined Haiku can have a title.
The first lines of unnamed poems appear inside parenthesis, and bold indicates the first poem of a new section.
Don’t forget to read the narratives!
THE SECRETS OF MY SOUL ................................. 32 THE PRISON ........................................................... 34 ALONE ..................................................................... 35 (lonely valentine) ...................................................... 36 KNIFE ....................................................................... 37 PAIN ......................................................................... 38 VOICES .................................................................... 39 (first day of the year) ................................................ 40 MY NIGHTMARE ..................................................... 41 (shadow in the dark) ................................................. 43 POET OF THE MACABRE ....................................... 44 THE BEAST WITHIN ................................................ 46 FALLING TEARS ..................................................... 47
(full moon) ................................................................ 48 INSANE ................................................................... 49 WITHOUT YOU ....................................................... 51 THE END ................................................................. 52 DEEP INSIDE .......................................................... 53 MUSEUM OF DEATH .............................................. 54 SOLITARY ............................................................... 56 PURGATORY .......................................................... 57 (I remember) ............................................................ 58 THE ALBERT FISH FLASH ..................................... 59 THE FUNERAL ........................................................ 61 CLOUDS .................................................................. 62 DEMONS ................................................................. 63 ONE LAST THOUGHT ............................................ 64 UNDER THE OLD TREE ......................................... 68 NO FAMILY .............................................................. 69 (one silent moment) ................................................. 70 SAND CLOCK .......................................................... 71 THE GHOST OF ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH ........... 72 FROM THE CRYPT ................................................. 75 A LONELY SOUL ..................................................... 76 (flowers in the air) .................................................... 77 THE CALL OF THE DARK ....................................... 78
(one eternal cry) ....................................................... 79 ROSES ..................................................................... 80 A LOST SOUL .......................................................... 81 THE OLD TOMB ...................................................... 82 (cemetery dance) ..................................................... 83 THE ETERNAL WALK ............................................. 84 (family gifts) .............................................................. 86 FATE ........................................................................ 87 (painful agony) ......................................................... 88 WHERE AM I? .......................................................... 89 (desperate screams) ................................................ 90 THE LAST RIVER .................................................... 91 ESCAPE FROM THE TOMB .................................... 93 (darkness all around) ................................................ 94 FOREVER SOUL ..................................................... 95 THEY LEAVE ME NO REST .................................... 96 THE GUIDE .............................................................. 97 FALL INTO THE NIGHT ......................................... 101 (a hot summer night) .............................................. 102 THE STORM AND SOMETHING ELSE ................. 103 SIREN’S CALL ....................................................... 105 ZOMBIES ............................................................... 106 TONIGHT ............................................................... 107
THE CRYSTAL BALL ............................................ 108 (a full, brilliant moon) .............................................. 109 THE FISHERMAN .................................................. 110 HE IS WAITING FOR ME ...................................... 111 THE STRANGER ................................................... 112 EDEN ..................................................................... 114 (a night with full moon) ........................................... 115 LOVE FROM THE SEA ......................................... 116 VENOM .................................................................. 117 SHADOW ............................................................... 118 MELISSA ............................................................... 119 (midnight mysteries) ............................................... 121 THE HORSEMAN .................................................. 122 (many are walking) ................................................. 123 THEY COME AT NIGHT ........................................ 124 THE OLD TREE ..................................................... 125 (creepy Halloween) ................................................ 126 THE GOD MAKEMAKE ......................................... 127 (sailing in the mist) ................................................. 129 DROPS .................................................................. 130 THE WINGS OF THE FALLENS ............................ 131 (a deadly creature) ................................................. 132 MY HALLOWEEN NIGHT ...................................... 133
(the old plantation) .................................................. 135 THE SHADOW OF THE NIGHT ............................. 136 WITCHY WOMAN .................................................. 137 (sands of time) ....................................................... 138 DEADLY MEETING ................................................ 139 (the headless horseman) ........................................ 141 NIGHTSHIFT LOVER ............................................. 142 ANGEL OF FIRE .................................................... 143 (red planet) ............................................................ 147 DEAD PETS ........................................................... 148 (distant galaxy) ....................................................... 151 FAR AWAY FROM ANTARES ............................... 152 (immense passion) ................................................. 154 ALIEN INVASION ................................................... 155 (I see a dark sky) .................................................... 156 EUROPEAN VACATION ........................................ 157 (summer vacation) .................................................. 158 DOUBLE SMILE ..................................................... 159 (my first visit) .......................................................... 160 BUSINESS TRIP .................................................... 161 (hot summer day) ................................................... 162 DIGITAL DESIRE ................................................... 163 (a cold beer) ........................................................... 164
SPACE WALK ........................................................ 165 (My first child) ......................................................... 166 A CALL FROM OUTHER SPACE .......................... 167 (a black hole) ......................................................... 168 HALLOWEEN IN A FAR PLACE ............................ 169 (cold darkness) ...................................................... 170 THE PLAGUE ........................................................ 171 (space travel) ......................................................... 172 SURPRISE ............................................................. 173 CONTACT ............................................................. 174 SPRING’S KISS ..................................................... 179 (Cajun swamps) ..................................................... 181 (Foggy mourning) ................................................... 182 OUR STORMY SEA .............................................. 183 DISTANT STAR ..................................................... 184 FORGIVE ME ........................................................ 186 OUR BLESSING LOVE ......................................... 187 THE ANGEL’S TEARS .......................................... 188 SUMMER NIGHT ................................................... 190 FOOL ..................................................................... 191
INTRODUCTION A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND is a collection of 125 poems divided in four major sections with an additional small section at the end. The poems are presented through the eyes of a mentally ill man, and the sections are organized from the most grotesque part to the less bizarre section. The last principal section has some humoristic pieces to lower the impression of the previous ones and the post section has a few simple, “rose-colored” pieces to let you go with a little vision of a more positive end. I needed to include in them a related poem to correlate the last poems with the main story, and for that reason I added a very simple Limerick poem. This was premeditated; it is simple but it has its purpose. Limericks are humorous, witty, and even nonsensical poems, and I wanted to end my collection with humor. Poetry can be written in different established styles; also, writing poetry differs from one person to another. On various occasions the personalization of one style can be the beginning of a new one. Example of this is the creation of the Cinquain for Adelaide Crapsey (1878-1914) who used the Japanese tanka and haiku for inspiration. (Applegate, J. 2006; Gage, J. 2008). Like this, there are and will be other
styles of poems, Horrorku and Scifaiku from Haiku and Senryu, One-Breath from a Scifaiku and more. For this collection I explored different forms of poetry, like Horrorku, Scifaku, One-Breath, Sijo, Fibonacci, Fibonacci –no-ku, Cinquain, Tanka, Haibum, Found, and others. My personal favorite styles for Science Fiction and Horror poetry are the Haibun and the two Haiku variations, Horrorku and Scifaiku. In a Haibun the poet can create a short story and leave the ending of the poem to the reader’s imagination, thanks to the addition of a Haiku. More complex forms of a Haibun can be created using one Haiku between scenes. Why is the Haiku an excellent mechanism for the genre of Horror and Science Fiction? Joshua Gage, in the pamphlet “Drops of Blood: A Horrorku Sampler,” gives us an excellent explanation to this: “Haiku are the specific details of a moment and thus can easily be adapted to horror, which is based on moments building up to what has come or details about what has already happened.” The suspense moment that the Haiku create in horror or science fiction poems is the reason for my preference to this style and its variations. Poetry differs from person to person, from culture to culture, but no matter how it is written or who writes the poem, at the end it is going to hold great emotion or is going to tell a story. Most of my poems are condensed stories but more than one, and in one way or another, some of them also can hold some level of emotions.
INTRO REFERENCES: Applegate, J. 2006. Science Fiction Cinquain. Scifaikuest magazine. Feb. 2006 Gage, J. 2008. Introducing the Cinquain. Scifaikuest magazine. Feb. 2008 Gage, J. 2009. Drops of Blood: A Horrorku Sampler. Pamphlet from the Fiction Poetry Association.
“I'm no lunatic man. I'm
a sane man fighting for
his soul.”
FORENSIC PSYCHIATRY
20 E.N. De Choudens
SERIAL KILLER-DECLARED-MADMAN CRAZY MAN THINKS HE IS AN IMMORTAL LOCAL INSTI- TUTION RECEIVED INSANE KILLER INSANE MAN IS CON- VINCED THAT HE CAN POS- SESS YOUR BODY A WOMAN WAS FOUND DEAD ON HALLO- WEEN NIGHT “THE DEMONS ARE CHASING ME,” CLAIMED CRAZY MAN THE “VAMPIRE” ATTACKS AGAIN DEAD WOMAN FOUND WITHOUT BLOOD MAN DECLARED MENTALLY UNSTABLE COULD FACE DEATH PENALTY TWO MORE BODIES FOUND
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 21
MADMAN THINK HE IS AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE MULTIPLE BODY PARTS FOUND IN CRAZY MAN’S HOUSE THE NUMBER OF MISSING PEOPLE ARE CLIMB- ING “YOU CANNOT TOUCH ME, I AM A GHOST,” SAID A MENTALLY ILL MAN FISHERMAN FOUND DEAD IN THE BAY SUSPECT OF MULTIPLE DEATHS ARREST- ED CRAZY MAN SAID HE LIVES IN A CEMETERY “I AM A ZOMBIE,” SAID MENTAL PATIENT MENTAL ILLNESS HAVEN’T SAVED PSYCHIATRIC PATIENT FROM EXECUTION
Forensic Psychiatry is a medical subspecialty that includes research and practice in the many areas in which psychiatry is applied to legal issues. It is the point where the mental health and the legal system overlap; it is where they share a common boundary, like violence, criminal responsibility, mental disability, and others. The actual practice of Forensic Psychiatry can differ from country to country because of differences in legal systems.
Source: American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 23
THE COUNTY NEWS
SERIAL KILLER TO FACE DEATH PENALTY The county psychiatric facility is ready to transfer the serial killer END to a new institution. Strict security measures are being taken by the facility administration and the local police. After various years of spreading terror around the country, the notorious criminal, END, is going to be transferred to a maximum security prison. END was captured last year and was declared mentally incompetent. He was recruited to a forensic psychiatric unit. During the following months, a legal battle was raised; the issue was whether END can be judged. But after several attempts to permanently include him in the psychiatric facility, the trial was performed. Even though he was declared legally insane, the jury found him guilty for all the charges. Those charges include various murders, rapes, robberies, and other felonies. The Supreme Court judge gave him the maximum penalty: a death sentence. Tomorrow END is going to be transferred, awaiting his turn to a lethal injection.
24 E.N. De Choudens
Two different groups are beginning to gather in front of the psychiatric correctional hospital. The human rights group are protesting the implementation of the death penalty, especially to a legally mentally ill patient, and the other group is celebrating the court’s decision. The court wants to apply the sentence as soon as possible, to avoid any possible revision in the future. END is too dangerous to be alive. This could break some protocols and is going to be the focus of new protests. One thing is for sure, END is going to continue being the source of more news for some time.
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 25
A LETTER FROM MY ASYLUM’S CELL
Dear stranger, I am sure that you are asking what this is. Probably you are thinking that this is just a bunch of nonsense words from a madman, but you are wrong. No my friend, this is not just a bunch of crazy words or sentences without meanings. This is the opportunity that I am providing to you: being a justice’s judge. As you can see, I hid this document inside my pillow. If you are reading it, it is because I succeeded in sending out my work, and my dear friend, you are the lucky one who found it. Right now you have some questions in your mind. Maybe you are asking why I wrote this, or maybe, and probably, you have more interest in knowing why I am a prisoner in this sad place, in this lunatic asylum. Yes, you read well. I say lunatic asylum, or if you prefer, we can call it a lunatic sanitarium. I can be aware of that; I am an inmate. They don’t like to call this place in that way because a lunatic asylum was an old institution that used radical physical therapies such as restriction of a dangerous person or the use of physical and mental abuse and other supposedly obsolete
26 E.N. De Choudens
techniques. In the past, the insulin shock therapy and the lobotomies were the normal procedure for treating a mental patient. Those methods are considered barbaric for the modern days. They are using “civilized” methods in these days. I don’t think so. Today they use modern medical drugs for the treatment of the supposed mentally ill person, but having a person all the time under the influence of antipsychotic drugs or psychiatric drugs is not another form focused on containment and retention? Having us, the inmates, locked behind bars and heavy doors with guards and custodians walking and inspecting everything for twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week is not another form of restriction? Limiting or even not allowing any visit of families and friends is not a mental abuse? Using fire hoses over us, letting us walk around the place without shoes or sandals, wearing a single medical gown, which does not protect us from the cold, is not a physical abuse? Yes, this is a lunatic asylum; this is a hospital for the criminally insane. The people here call this place a psychiatric hospital, but that is just a fancy word for the same place. As you see, the restrain, the abuse, and the lock of wrong people is the same now than was many years ago. You can find different types of “modern psychiatric hospitals,” all of them full of people who are suffering of some kind of mental illnesses or maybe not. Just because someone is different they send him to one of these “hospitals.” Well, I am different, but to be someone different does not explain to me why I am here. The truth is that I am not sure about the reason,
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 27
but they put me inside these walls because they said that I am mentally unstable, that I am a menace to the society. Why they said that? Because I can travel to other bodies, other places, other universes? To be capable of doing anything I want? Live any life or to take any life? They are just a bunch of ignorant people.
I think they are just jealous of me, of my abilities, and now they are trying to avoid my little escapes. I can guarantee that that will be a futile effort. No matter how many walls they put around me, no matter how many drugs they give me, I can continue projecting myself to any place and to be what I want to be. There are no limits for my mind.
I think that is why they are going to transfer me. Tomorrow they are going to send me to another place, to a different institution. They said that my crimes are too horrendous to let my insanity be an excuse to avoid an appropriate punishment. They said that I cannot hide myself behind the medical fact of having a disoriented mind. No, no forgiveness for me, soon they are going to give me the opportunity to order my last favorite meal. What a waste of time.
The reasons why I wrote this, or to be more accurate, the reason why I am letting you read my recorded adventures is to give you the option to judge my sanity. You are going to be the real judge for me. If you continue reading this, you are accepting the responsibility. I am going to trust in your judgment and common sense.
What am I going to tell you in these pages? Let me start by saying that during my days here, I wrote about my escapes, about things
28 E.N. De Choudens
that I did before they locked me inside these depressing walls and things that I did inside of them. I wrote anytime that I had the opportunity. They don’t give me paper and less a pencil or a pen— objects too dangerous in my hand. I stole this one when one of the doctors paid me a quick visit a long time ago, and for the paper, for the paper I use any small piece that I can obtain. I needed to write fast and short, depending on the piece that I had in that moment, but you will understand all that I am going to say. You are going to have a good description of my different lives. You are going to know about my incarnations like a murderer, a ghost, more than one creature, a victim, an astronaut, an alien, and who knows what else. There are no limits for me in this universe. Why they call madness to my gift? Why did they say that I am a menace: because I’m not part of the normal development of my society? Culture and society are an evolutionary structure. They were different in the past, and they are going to be different in the future. Just because I’m ahead of the actual standard for the society, they can say that I have a mental disorder? They simply do not understand. Probably my next journey will be to another dimension, to another existence, but don’t worry, because as always, I will return.
Sincerely: E.N.D. May 26, 2012
INSIDE A SINISTER SOUL
30 E.N. De Choudens
Post data It is early in the morning. The corridors are in silence and the low light is creating a baleful atmosphere. The custodian did his frequent check-up routine a few minutes ago. I still can hear his pathetic steps making echoes in this lonely corridor. I did not sleep. No, I did not sleep not because I am too scared for the transfer. No, it’s not that. I did not sleep because I was busy. The fact that they are going to come for me very soon doesn’t worry me at all. I wanted to stay awake because I wanted to organize my papers. I don’t want to give you a bunch of information, the history of my life, without any explanation about it. If I did, for sure you were going to be so confused that you’d throw the documents in the closest trashcan you have, and in that way you wouldn’t learn anything about me. Last night, I grouped my documents in four parts to help you understand my experience better. Let’s begin with the more human part because the human part of any of us, of our existence, is the one who keeps our deepest feelings. This is the one that I needed to dominate first before I move forward in my voyage. And this is the first part that you need to understand, so you can interpret in a correct way the following steps of my life. I called this first part of
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 31
my life ‘Inside a sinister soul’ because the people here constantly say that I have a sinister soul, but they also say that I have an evil soul, a perverse soul, or even that I not have any soul at all. But no matter how they call me, the fact is that the barbaric state of a human being is the first step of this being’s evolution, and this barbaric state is the beginning of my transformation. Here I will describe some of my most private moments from my early days. In some of them I was the dominant being and in others I was just the victim. Which one occurred first? I don’t know. Some doctors in this place think that I was a victim during my childhood, and for that reason I developed a criminal mind. Others say that I was born having a criminal mind, but like I said before, they just don’t understand me. They do not understand that I was moving myself between a victim and a perpetrator so I could achieve the goals of my first step of this evolution. I recognize that I do not know if I chose to be the victim first or the other way around. I already did too many personifications to remember which one was the first. Please, take a seat and relax; I cannot kill you with my words . . . at least not yet.
E.N.D. May 27, 2012, at 0610 A.M.
32 E.N. De Choudens
Howling eerie wind Blowing in the midnight sky
The bright light of the moon
Washing the tall trees Keepers of my sins
Secrets untold
Flickering light Branches break
Sweet young girl Your innocent life
They are going to take
Tonight is the end
Shattered and torn
34 E.N. De Choudens
slimy blood drips silently
from the depth of my flesh
the red wine of my veins moves patiently through my skin
sliding down until the floor
leaving a ruby color of a viscose fluid over me
a bloody trail
from where my life is escaping the body
that was once it prison cell and now is a dying man
A QUICK LOOK TO AN INSANE MIND 35
ALONE
From my early life I see the hours passing in front of me
leaving in my soul the illusion of a dream
From the gray of the sky
and the cold of the winter wind the death is showing its face
I feel a delicious peace
From the corner of the street the one that is a home to me
the people will walk without sein’ how I close my eyes to end this agony
36 E.N. De Choudens
blood over the floor
KNIFE
a sharp blade that is deep in your flesh
I am holding the other end!
the metal instrument is covered in dark red
the color of a dying life the deliverer of your last breath
E. N. De Choudens
Caribbean island of Puerto
sea and the nice sun. If he was
not practicing scuba diving,
fishing, surfing, camping, or
science fiction book or
magazine. He studied Marine Biology at the University of Puerto
Rico and Creative Writing at Southern New Hampshire
University. In addition to the outdoor activities, the author has a
fascination for antique cars, and he tries to enjoy any classic car
auto-show or museum. During the past years he has published
various poems and short stories in different magazines, e-zine,
and anthologies. Coming from a Spanish culture, the English
language is the major challenge for his writing, making every
publication a major personal success. Now he is living with his
wife and his two kids in the state of Maryland, missing the sun
and the blue sea but embracing new experiences and adventures.
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