Chapter 9 – College Daze Part 1

"'Ello, mates!" *hic* Hello, Ephemeral Toast. You know, it's nine in the morning. Drinking already? "I gots a reputation to maintain, mate." *hic* You want to maintain your reputation as 'the keg girl' that you earned in Gage's Bachelor Challenge?

"Well, there's that, mate, and..." *hic* And? "Just look at the next picture, mate, but don't say I didn't warn ye..." ------ Ephemeral Toast writes Apocalypso-A-Go-Go, an apocalypse Legacy. She's also the Simself currently winning (losing?) Gage's Bachelor Challenge.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"You're telling me, Sarah. You know, she would be the exact spitting image of Gage, wouldn't she?" Erm... Sorry about that, Marina. I honestly thought she'd turn out cuter. Everyone said that Gage makes pretty girls! "Well my little Elphaba kind of throws that theory out of the water, now doesn't it?" Erm... yes? ----- Marina, aka smoothiequeen87, writes the Fitzhugh Legacy Gage is the creation of Candi, writer of the Uglacy and Prettacy

But you know, Marina, she's really not all that bad... "Horrors!" Excuse me, did you say something Elphaba? "Horrors!" Oh, how cute! She's learned her first word, Marina!

"Horrors!" "I'm going to kill you, Sarah." ------ See Wicked, written by Gregory Maguire, to get the whole Elphaba/Horrors reference.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled Legacy. This is the ninth installment of A Piratical Legacy, and Ivy Buccaneer (our generation three heiress) has just entered university in Paris. It's traditional for her family members to attend Academie Le Tour in Paris, and she's keeping up with that tradition. But Ivy has a loftier goal than her parents or her siblings: she intends to become the Galactic Overlord Queen of the Cosmos. How she intends to achieve that... I'm not really sure. "Listen, Goddess, can you just get on with things? I'm the star of both parts of this enormous chapter you insisted on and I want to get to the woohooing, okay?" Yes, that's right. In case you forgot, Ivy's Romance. Fun!

And here we see her first victim, some random dormie who got conned into doing her term paper. "I told him that he could do my homework for me and he practically jumped at the chance, goddess!" Actually, I believe that. Ivy's got charisma coming out the wazoo. "Plus, I told him it would be unwise to disobey his Queen." You aren't exactly a queen yet, Ivy. "Oh? Who's to say I'm not a queen, goddess?" Who indeed. This should prove interesting.

Our faithful dorm placeholder, Marla Biggs. She's been painting that same portrait for a couple of generations worth of Pirates, now. Despite her rather fetching makeover (courtesy of Meadow Thayer, Jack Buccaneer's girlfriend), Marla has been rather ignored.

Whatcha doin', Ivy? "A queen must be a brilliant tactician, goddess. I'll have a lot of enemies at court once I'm finished university, and I have to get used to manipulating people and events to my advantage. Grandpa haunted the bear again and suggested that I brush up on my chess skills and I figured it couldn't hurt."

Ivy had one minion already, but one minion is never enough for a queen looking to win the hearts of an entire cosmos. She moved on to her next victim soon enough.

"Professor, have I ever told you how well your hair matches your eyes?" "Wow, Ivy, you're the first student who's ever said that to me!"

Things were progressing well for our young heiress. She had a loyal cadre of supporters in dorm. She was slowly but surely wooing her professors. But she had higher things on her mind than mere school.

Like those who had gone before her in the Buccaneer line, Ivy practiced her manners and deportment. But she didn't try too hard. She was the queen, and what she decreed would be law anyway--even her take on etiquette would be what was practiced in her future kingdom, so if she wanted to eat chilli with her hands and spray it on the person across from her, that was her prerogative.

"Greetings, peon. I am Queen Ivy." "Gosh, a real Queen? I thought you French didn't really hold with monarchs..." "The French do not hold with monarchs, as a general rule... but I am only one eighth French. The rest of me is Pirate Queen, through and through!" "Wow, that sure sounds interesting, your highness. Umm... am I supposed to curtsy when I talk to you?"

"Greetings, commoner." "Oh wow, I've heard all about you! You're that crazy lady from that rickety little island out in the middle of--" "Silence, knave!" "Geez... you don't have to be so touchy."

"You are pretty hot for a queen, though." "I accept your compliment with favor, subservient one. Perhaps at a future date you may be one of my concubines for a time." "Hot, but weird."

As her homework was being taken care of by her dormie minions, Ivy headed out to some of the hot spots on campus to round up more support for her monarchy. "Ah, I have heard of you, mysterious Serf In Black. You are affianced to my aunt Celeste, are you not?" "Right, she's mentioned you. You're the normal one?" "I am your Queen and Overlord, serf. You ought to be paying tribute

to me right now." "Listen, Queenie, I don't care what they say about you. You're okay. That kind of attitude is just what some of my friends and I are looking for. If you can meet up with two more of my buddies we might just let you into our association." "What are you talking about, serf?" "Just... trust me. All the monarchs are doing it!"

Well, those words proved to be incentive enough. Ivy immediately set out in search of more who might be close friends of Other-Alan the Serf. If there was an exclusive club that catered to monarchs and future monarchs, she wanted in!

"Eddie, do you know anything about this 'club' Other-Alan told me about?" "Well, I've heard rumors, sis, but nothing concrete. I will say this, though... look for the ugliest sims you can find and you'll probably run into more members of this so-called secret society." "I'll take your advice under consideration, Eddie. And thanks! I'll remember that you helped me when I'm powerful and mighty. You might just find yourself rewarded!" "Thanks, sis... anyway, I ought to be heading back to the Greek house. Tosha said she's got another enzyme formulation she wants me to look at. Say, you should pledge in soon! I think we've got enough room for you..."

"Would you say that you're planning to be an autocratic despot or a despotic autocrat?" "Oh, despotic autocrat defintely." "Well, Ivy, I have to say that we of the 'society' are impressed. I've got to head back and confer with my brothers and sisters, but if all goes as I think it will, someone should be by to talk to you about membership tomorrow night." "Excellent! Are there lots of other kings and queens in your group?"

Yet another dormie falls under Ivy's mysterious spell. Seriously, she's in her first term and she's already Big Sim on Campus. If she were Popularity instead of Romance, she's have the 20 Best Friends want in the bag at this point.

Ivy's subjects are always willing to do her bidding and help her pass her classes with flying colors. After all, what are subservient workers for?

Unfortunately, being a queen also has its downside, especially one as beloved as Ivy. She's constantly having to deal with dormie serfs trying to hug her, and Ivy's not a very touchy-feely kinda gal (for a Romance sim). "Get your unwashed hands away from me!" "Sorry, highness!"

Said dormie serf stalked Ivy for several days thereafter, including during her Greek house interview. Fortunately, the pledging period was just a formality since Ivy was related to most of the members, and soon-to-be-related to the rest of them.

"You want me to do WHAT for extra credit?" *whisperwhisper* "Ooh, Professor! You're being rather familiar with your queen for a mere peasant, I must say!"

"Oh hey, you're that, like, dorky girl Meadow gave a makeover to in the last chapter, aren't you."

"She may be a jerk but dang, she's hot!" "Goddess, the dorky girl is staring at me." Her name is Marla, Anne. "Like I'll ever remember that!"

"Hey, uh, Mandy, do you know the school cheer?" "Geez, Anne, I may not be popular but I'm also not deaf or stupid... you and Meadow only chanted that stupid thing day and night for an entire year when you lived here in dorm. And my name's Marla."

"..But you know, I've always thought you were the best cheerleader on the squad. Better than Meadow, even!" "Wow, Martha, that totally means a lot coming from you. You're Meadow's best friend, aren't you?" "Well... yeah. And my name's Marla." "Sorry, Mona." "Marla." "Right."

"It took you long enough! Ravi told me you would be here a few weeks ago! Queens don't like being kept waiting! I mean, honestly! I've been so distracted I haven't even managed to attract any new minions!"

"Can the chitchat, lady." "This is no way to treat your monarch."

"I'm the hottest thing this society has ever seen!" Hrm... you might be right about that, Ivy. Meantime, let's see what your brothers and sister have been up to for the past year, mmmkay?

Meadow and Anne were pretty much up to their old tricks.

"Jack, could you and your man-purse, like, tell Meadow that she just needs to resign from the cheerleading squad gracefully?" "Anne, I am going to pretend that I didn't hear you complaining about my sweet little porkchop just now. I would hide bodies for you, but you have to do the dirty work yourself. Capisce?"

Meadow and Eddie became disturbingly close and heart-farted over each other at every opportunity - whenever they weren't pillow-fighting.

Toni juggled, because she is a dirty Pleasure sim like her grandfather Jack and is nearly impossible to keep happy. Toni is Anne, Jack, Eddie, and Ivy's cousin courtesy of generation two spare Elisabeth and her husband Shannon.

Meadow teased Jack by insisting on hanging out in Eddie and Tosha's bedroom whenever she wanted to chitchat, but she'd decided long ago that she wasn't going to woohoo with anyone until after she was married. "Honestly, Jack... one unfortunate fashion choice as a teenager and a few too many first kisses and my reputation is tarnished forever. And that's why I can't woohoo with you until after we're married. I'm determined to prove hundreds of Legacy writers wrong!"

Jack took out his frustrations on the poor defenseless shower. "Frustrations nothing, goddess. This here showerhead is behind on its insurance money. I'm just sending a little message through the pipeline to the shower in the next stall..."

The Greek house expanded in size because there wasn't nearly enough room for all the 'stuff' that Toni, dirty little Pleasure Sim that she is, insisted on having for her little 500 aspiration point increments.

Anne, when she wasn't practicing her cheers, spent most of her semester wooing her two professors. This ensured that she got good grades without touching her homework.

Ahh... Tosha, Eddie's fiancee. I think this is the first picture you've appeared in this chapter. "I've been researching tiger genetics, goddess. Eddie and I are pretty sure we'll be able to accomplish our goal of turning into tiger-sim hybrids. It actually doesn't look that hard... although I think we'll need a little divine help." Well, you'll be living off the Legacy lot so I can cheat any way you need once you leave uni, Tosha. "Great!" "I want to juggle." You... go and do that, Toni.

Celeste... the oldest inhabitant of the Buccaneer family Greek house. She's actually everyone else's aunt - she's Mary and Elisabeth's youngest sister and was actually born when they were at college... and I see that Celeste is working very hard on her term paper. "Animated pixels Do as I demand. Your every whim Is at my command For without my help You can't even stand On your snowboard." She's also a stereotypical emo/goth/poet sort.

More "research", Anne? "Go away, goddess."

Ahh... the other star-crossed pair. Eddie and Meadow spend all their time together... almost as much as Jack and Tosha spend together. Seriously, Eddie and Tosha may be in love, and Jack and Meadow, but Eddie and Meadow have a higher LTR than Eddie and Tosha, and the same scenario is true with Jack and Tosha. I almost think I put the wrong pairs together. "Not really, goddess... I doubt that Meadow would ever consent to being a guinea pig in Eddie's genetic experiments." You may have a point there, Tosha. Just... don't autonomously flirt with Jack, okay? I don't need the drama. *sigh* "Fine...."

"Goddess, I like need some advice. Meadow has been totally annoying me lately and I need a way to get back at her." Well, if she was dating anyone other than your brother I'd suggest stealing her man. "Yes, it totally sucks that she's dating Jack and his man-purse. But I think I have an idea... Meadow's best friends with that dorky girl Marsha, right?' You mean Marla, and yes... "I bet it would totally annoy Meadow if I made her best friend, like, fall in love with me." Just don't do anything stupid, Anne. I think Meadow's smarter than you give her credit for.

Anne was hanging around outside, spying on the Island through the Greek house's super long-distance magnification telescope and hoping her aunt Elisabeth wouldn't notice when she saw Marla walk by. "Moira, I totally noticed the way you've been looking at me. You keep walking past to stare at me, don't you." "Umm... what makes you say that, Anne? And my name's Marla."

"You're totally not fooling anyone, Melissa. I can totally see you blushing right now. You totally think I'm hot. It's okay. I am hot. But I was just thinking... you're kind of hot yourself." "Really, Anne? You think so? And for the love of all that's holy, my name is MARLA!" "Yeah, in a kind of geeky pathetic way." "Umm... thanks. I think."

Poor Marla. She didn't stand a chance once Anne decided to go in for the kill. Romance sims are hard to say no to! Even if they can't remember your name.

Although that might be taking things a bit too far, Anne! "Go away, goddess. We're a little busy."

"Jack, I meant what I said. No woohoo even after we're married if you keep spying on me in the shower!" "I apologize for the intrusion, sugarplum." "Leave! Now! And don't forget your man-purse!" "Yes'm."

And Jack takes up residence once again in his favorite perch in the entire house. I'm starting to think he has a thing for Tosha. Sadly, Eddie acts exactly the same way around Meadow.

"Jack, this is starting to get kind of creepy. Why are you always in here?"

"Go away!"

"Listen, Marla," Meadow said earnestly. "We're friends, right?" "Yeah, sure," Marla nodded, unable to keep the smile off of her face. "What's up?" "I'm a bit worried about you," Meadow said. "I know you and Anne have gotten pretty close... but Anne's a Romance sim, Marla. I don't want you to get hurt." Marla stared at Meadow for a moment as the implications of what she was hinting at sunk in. Her features darkened.

"Listen, Meadow, I'm old enough to take care of myself," Marla said angrily. "Besides, I know what kind of person Anne is and I'm not an idiot either. Do you honestly think I'd be with her if she hadn't promised to be faithful?" "You sound pretty naive from where I'm standing, Marla," Meadow said. "Look, I know this sounds funny coming from me, but I don't think you should be woohooing Anne at all. She's pretty, yeah, but she's flighty and she likes to lead people on. You're just going to end up with a broken heart. But it doesn't have to be that way."

"What are you talking about?" Marla asked, calming down just slightly. "You have a way to make sure that Anne will love only me?" "Yeah, I think so," Meadow said. "Listen, here's what we'll do..."

Meanwhile, Tosha continued her research into advanced animal and human anatomy. Eddie was the expert at actually splicing DNA and playing with proteins and the like, but Tosha wanted to make sure that once the human-tiger hybridization was complete, she and Eddie wouldn't be missing any vital organs. Thus, research was essential. Although... Tosha, do you have a comic book shoved between the leaves of that book? "Umm... no?"

Listen, if you don't want to become a tiger, you don't have to. I'll find a way to explain it to Eddie somehow. Besides, I'm not even sure if I know how to do my part of the transformation. "No, it's okay, goddess. I'm pretty excited about becoming a tiger. I just kind of want to be a superhero too, like Hiro and Peter Petrelli and Claire on Heroes!" Heh, okay. But I don't know if I can manage the tiger transformation and super powers!

Hey Meadow, how about letting me in on this plan of yours? "No way! This is between me and Marla, goddess. Besides, you'll just give it away." "Hmm... what plan is that, Meadow?" "Goddess, go away." What?

"I want to tell Eddie about my plan. I can't tell Jack - he and Anne are twins and it wouldn't be fair to put him in the middle." Umm... are we talking about the same Jack, Meadow? You know he'd get a huge laugh out of any sort of prank you were pulling on anyone... especially if it meant he might profit from it! "Maybe, but I'd rather talk to Eddie about it first." Fine, I'll leave you two alone then. Hmph.

And here we find Jack lounging around in Eddie's bedroom... while Tosha is sleeping. Jack, are you trying to tell me something? "Listen, a man is entitled to his dreams, all right?" Dream about what, exactly? "Why are you concerned with that, goddess? Don't you have something better to do than pry into my personal affairs?"

Hmm.. or should I rephrase that... dream about who? *mumblemumble* "That you, Eddie?" "Just me, Tosh." "Geez, Jack... again? Don't you have your own room and your own girlfriend to bother?"

"Yes... if this one turns out right that's another fifty gees in my pocket and none the wiser." What are you painting, Jack? "Mona Lisa." Oh, okay... wait. Mona LISA? "It's my third forgery this week, toots. And I'm making a killing, if ya know what I mean. Best of all, I'm funneling 'em thru the island and my mom's helping!"

Oh, I'm sure your dad and Shannon are having a wonderful time chasing random rogue clams around the island as well, aren't they? Just who is taking the fall for you this time, Jack? "Oh, nobody important. Just some Simself named Professor Butters." Oh... dear. Sorry about that, PB. ----- Professor Butters writes the Squeaky Clean Legacy

And you, Anne... don't you have a figure to maintain in order to stay on the cheerleading squad? "Oh, that's totally like taken care of, goddess!" How so? "Well, I'm totally the hottest and most popular chick on campus. Two thirds of the guys and half of the girls want to woohoo me. Is there really anyone who'd dare try and kick me off of the team, goddess?" Keeping your grades up too, then?

"Mindy's taking care of that." For shame... you know that girl is head over heels in love with you, right Anne? Don't you feel at least the tiniest bit of affection towards her? And can't you ever remember that her name is Marla? "Well, she's totally hot for a dork and all, and she's useful. But that's, like, it. You know? She totally knows it's not serious, so don't worry about that goddess. I'm totally using her to get good grades, but she's totally using me for the woohoo too, so it's kind of fair, right?"

"Like, hi!" "Uhh... hi?" "Do you know who I am, cutie?" "Y-you're a cheerleader... right?" "Not just any cheerleader, cute little dork. I'm the captain of the cheerleading squad!" "Really? 'Cause I thought that mafia guy's girlfriend was the captain.

She's really pretty..." "She's the co-captain with me, okay? And I'm going to tell my brother, that mafia guy you just referred to, that you think his girlfriend's hot. How do you like that, dork?" "D-did I say that Meadow's hot? What I meant to say was, you're way hotter! In fact, Meadow's kind of ugly. I'm going to tell everyone that you're the hottest cheerleader on the squad! Right now! Can't you see? I'm going! Umm... what was your name again?" "Oh... why do I, like, bother?"

While Anne was busy tormenting poor dorks like Goopy from the last frame, Meadow had other things on her mind. Namely, how to make sure her friend Marla stayed happy and didn't have her heart ripped in half by Anne. "Listen, do you know how far I haff to travel to get here, Meadow?" "I really appreciate it, Madame. You're the only one I've ever heard of who knows how to make this stuff." "Vell, I do haff a special skill vith the love potions. It costs you triple because I had to travel so far to get to this place. Do ve haff a deal?" "We have a deal. And hey, you won't regret this." "I von't regret it for sure vith the free upgrade you are payingk for on my return trip, that's for sure! First class, here I come!"

"Aaaargh! How much did you hear?" Don't worry, Meadow. I think I know where you're going with this and ... well... I'm not going to interfere. "Good."

What are you making, Meadow? "I call it... Passionfruit Sensation!"

"Wow, Meadow, this is totally the best drink you've ever made! Got anymore? I totally need this recipe." "Sorry, Meadow, I ran out of my top secret ingredient." "Well, that's totally okay because I feel fantastic. Like, seriously. I've never felt this good before. Although I do feel kind of strange..."

"Just take another sip, Anne. You don't want to let that stuff go to waste." "I can't believe you're actually being nice to me, Meadow. This stuff is totally freakin' awesome. Although I really need ... Marla. Yeah, I could do with some good woohoo right about now."

"I think I heard Marla downstairs a minute ago, Anne. Want me to call her?" "Like, no! I can totally call my own girlfriend, thank you very much. MARLA! Get over here! I need some lovin', stat! Seriously!"

"What Marla sees in her, I'll never know..." A few minutes later, Marla came trudging up the stairs, a sullen expression on her face.

"I wish you wouldn't shout stuff like that all over the place. It's kind of embarrassing." "I hope you're not embarrassed to be my girlfriend, 'cause I totally want you all the time, Marla. I mean it. I, like, can't get enough of you. I think I'm in love with you, Marla! Totally!" "D-do you mean that, Anne? And you got my name right!"

"Would I be totally asking you to get hitched if I didn't mean it?" "WHAT?" WHAT?!?!?! That makes two of us who are shocked right now, Marla. "Three!" Make sure you rinse that blender out before you make any drinks Eddie. I'm just sayin'.

"Ohmygoddess of course I'll marry you, Anne!"

"That's totally a relief, Marla, 'cause I would seriously, like, die if you said no. It makes me totally cry just thinking about it! See? My mascara is totally running all over the place!"

"Other-Alan Please help me flee! I'm begging you On bended knee!"

"Listen, Goopy, if you wish to remain in my employment you must first prove yourself loyal. Capisce?" "Why should I have to prove myself to you, anyway? Who made you the boss of this operation, Jack?" "Now Goopy, you're a fine fellow. That is why I won't be having your internal organs removed and sold on eBay for your shocking lack of respect. I would suggest you apologize nicely, and then make yourself scarce." "What? Apologize? To some two-bit criminal like you?"

"Two-bit? Who are you callin' a two-bit criminal? I am a businessman, plain and simple, got it? And I command a certain amount of respect from my associates, which you are not showing to me. Plainly, you are no longer interested in continuing this business association which we have been discussing so nicely for the past few months. I think you are making a big mistake, Goopy. And I think in time, you will come to realize this. That is why I'm going to let you live for now, that and my sister Anne thinks you are cute, and my sister Anne is a good person. I don't want to disillusion a good person, Goopy, and so you have five minutes to get out of this kitchen, and five hours to get out of this city. When you are ready to be more reasonable then we can talk again. Until then... vamoose!"

"Jack, you seem awfully happy tonight." "I just told off a minion. You know how that makes me happy." "I'm pretty happy too, Jack." "Really? And what sort of mischief have you been up to that makes you so happy, cupcake?" "You know the old gypsy woman from back home?" "Yes, she is a very trusted business associate of mine. I think of her often, and fondly."

"Well, she sailed all the way over to Paris just to help me with a little dilemma I was having, Jack, and let's just say that everything worked out perfectly." "I'm glad you're happy, buttercup. Do I need to help you hide any bodies?" "Not this time, Jack. You may need to make sure the engagement ring that Anne gave Marla isn't one of your fakes, though." "WHAT?!?!? You have convinced my sister to make an honest woman of herself? I am impressed, sunshine. I am impressed. You have managed to do what I could not."

"I'm so glad you approve, Jack. But I wish you would get rid of that silly man-purse of yours. It gets in my way when I try to grab your tooshie." "Don't be trying to come between a man and his purse, gumdrop."

"Toni, I am seriously feeling the love right now. I totally need to hug you, cuz!" "Eww... listen, Anne, I think you need to lay off Meadow's special drinks, okay?" "Like, what are you talking about, Toni?" "Ohh... nevermind. Just don't hug me."

"At this very moment I am feeling extreme twinges of jealousy." You have Meadow, Jack. "Only in the very purest sense of the word, goddess. And by pure, I mean like fresh snow." Meadow's sticking by her decision not to woohoo until you're married, then? "Yes, and it eats away at me like pain. Yet I cannot help but respect her all the more for staying true to her convictions. It implies great perseverence, which is an asset in my organization."

"Hey, Jack?" "Yes, brother dearest?" "I'm trying to woohoo with my fiancee here. Scram!" "Ooh Eddie, I like it when you get all aggressive like that." "Me-ow!" "I think I will be leaving at this juncture." Probably for the best, Jack.

"Eddie, have I told you how totally awesome Marla is yet?" "Only twenty-five times so far today, Anne." "Oh good, so you won't mind if I, like, tell you again, will you?" *sigh...*

"Like, you listen, Meadow! I don't care about your stupid rules and tryouts and stuff. We totally have to give Marla a spot on the squad! Everyone should get to bask in how hot she is. How could such amazing hotness not be a benefit of our team?" "Uhh... you don't have to be violent, Anne. I just asked if you'd asked Marla if she even wants to be on the team..." "Like, everyone who's anyone wants to be on the team, Meadow. Seriously." "Whatever you say, Anne... just ask Marla first, okay?" "Fine."

"You have managed no small trifle Using these soft pillows To conceal rifles And other items of various Legality." "I do not think my father will be able to trace this weapon smuggling to me, Aunt Celeste. What is your opinion of the matter?" "Alan is duller than A can of spam."

"Yes, and since you are family I am going to forgive that moment of disrespect. It pains me to admit it myself, but my esteemed father is a little lacking in the deductive skills. It has made it easier to hide my association with the various criminal enterprises I have going on the island and in Paris a little easier, which is a good thing because I would not wish to inflict pain on my esteemed father. He would be heartbroken if he knew I was involved with the various schemes I have started. And yet I cannot stop, and so I must find new ways to foil him. It keeps my wits sharp." "Ever since you adopted That ridiculous accent You have been the king Of the run-on sentence. It causes pain in my ears And makes my nose itch."

"And so you were totally right, Meadow. Marla doesn't want to be a cheerleader for some reason, but it's okay because she said she'd rather, you know, watch my hotness as I do my thing on the field. You know, she is so totally amazing that way." "Anne, I think you need to lay off the special juice for a while, okay hon?" "Like, why does everyone keep saying that to me?"

"Anyway, Meadow, I guess I've totally, like, been wrong about you. My brother even told me how you won't woohoo with him yet just to make a point that you're not some fishnet-wearing, first-kiss stealiing townie girl tramp. I guess we can sort of be friends, if you want. You know, since you're friends with Marla and Jack and all."

"Would it be okay if I took a sample of your DNA, Tracy? I want to know how you managed to integrate cow DNA with sim DNA so easily." "Eddie, for the last time I'm just a really, really bored girl with no life wearing a cow suit." "Are you sure?" "YES!"

And after all that drama, which basically took place over the course of only one college year, Ivy finally moved into the family Greek house. And immediately started to dominate. "Celeste is moving out? Great! Of course I get her room with the hugenormous double bed!" "Um... Ivy, both Anne and Jack called dibs on that bed a year ago. They were going to rock-paper-scissors for it." "But I'm the Queeeeeeeeeen!" "They have Greek seniority." "Do I have to pull out my scepter and lay the smack down?"

"So Celeste, how would you like to go off somewhere private and make a little beautiful mooooosic together?" "The foulness of this bovine's breath Causes my sinuses great distress. How glad I shall be to vacate this place And no longer have to share my space With the genus Simulus Tigris And a juggling nincompoop; Two cheerleader fighters, Jack, master-of-dupes, A deluded ersatz Queen, AND THIS DAMNED COW!!! I mean, this bovine obscene."

"So Ivy, how would you like to go off somewhere private and make a little beautiful mooooosic together?" "Ah, a potential minion. Yes, Holstein-ungulate-person-thing, I accept your offer of woohoo in exchange for your continued adoration and support as I ascend my rightful throne." "Geez... and people say I'm the crazy one..."

Ivy spent the rest of the evening trying to gain new minions and peons with her mad pool skillz.

She didn't do very well.

"Oh, this is so embarrassing, goddess! Nobody has flocked to my banner in three whole days! Even the Holstein-ungulate-person-thing has left the Greek house in a cloud of its own stench. I need flunkies!"

"Okay, Ivy, get a grip. You can do this. You can still be a successful monarch even if you're lousy at billiards. You just need a new way of convincing people that you ought to rule.... and I know just the thing..."

"We approve of how frequently the smustle takes place, brother." "Good to know, Ivy. And, ah, why are you referring to yourself in plural?" "We have decided the time has come to start using the royal 'we'. It implies royalty, and dignity, and, um, prestige." "You know, Ivy, I'm starting to think that I'm actually the sanest one out of all of us kids." "We think you may be correct, brother."

"Tosha, I just wanted to take a moment to say how wonderful it is that you came to college with my brother, and how much I admire you for supporting his goals and dreams. Not just any woman would agree to become a gross perversion of nature simply out of love."

"Jack, we knew we could count on your support of our monarchy." "Whatever you need, I will be there to support you, little sister. I am especially good at hiding bodies for those who are in need of such services." "Oh goody! We will make you our Lord High Executioner as a reward for your faithfulness." "Dear sister, you wound me. I was hoping that you might appoint me your Minister of Finance." "Jack, we are not stupid enough to turn over the entire royal treasury to you." "Eh, it was worth a try."

"This fair dwelling Contains an upwelling Of insanity. I must flee!"

And with that proclamation, Celeste graduated and moved back to the Island, where she would (hopefully) marry her Other-Alan and live happily ever after.

"Goodbye, dear auntie. If you ever need help hiding any bodies, please let me know. I would be glad to render aid to you as required, as I feel that we are very close now." "Insanity's curse Comes with a man-purse. Get me away from here!"

"We trust you will think about the position we have offered you, dear auntie?" "I'm already a poet And I know it. To be bard of the court Is not my part." "We suggest you continue to think on our offer, auntie."

"We are disturbed to find you dancing with our brother's fiancee again, Jack." "Tosha and I are just very good friends, Ivy. That is all." "We are not entirely convinced by your protestations, Jack." What, nothing to add, Tosha? "I'm staying out of this one, goddess."

"We are pleased to see that you are striving to make our brother happy, Tosha. It is with great pleasure that we request you take the position of Royal Physician in our court." "Gee... I'm honored." Is that a note of sarcasm, Tosha? "Would I risk angering our fair monarch, goddess? Surely you're jesting with that implication!" ...forget I asked.

"Jack, your sister has gone off the deep end." "Who, Anne? I knew that already, Tosha. I believe Meadow had a hand in that affair." "No, your other sister." "Ivy? She is not insane. She is simply... very ambitious, which is a trait often to be admired in a great leader."

"Anne, grandfather wants to talk to you." "We are busy being courted by our many suitors, Toni. Please tell grandfather to come back later." "Arrr! Listen 'ere, love! Ye don't just get away with ignoring yer grandfather when 'e 'appens to possess your teddy bear!" "Fine. We will listen. What do you have to say to us, grandfather bear?" "Listen, love, you're starting to scare the readers, savvy? Tone down the whole monarch thing, aye?" "We wonder at whether it's appropriate for a possessed teddy bear to be lecturing us on creepiness." That makes two of us, Ivy.

"Gee, thanks for helping me and Jack test out our new exploding pillowcases, Eddie!" "Hehehe, you're so funny, Meadow! It sounded like you just said these pillowcases explode!" "I did! They also have a rare, yet consistently observed effect of causing space/time displacement."

"Ah, that's better. Okay Eddie, this one's armed so if you want to keep your face you ought to duck!" "Good one, Meadow!" Umm.... she's serious, Eddie. "Holy ---!" Whew, you ducked just in time there, Eddie! Umm... does your insurance cover window replacement? "Yeah, but I don't know what the policy is on curtain, wall, or carpet replacement..." "I, uh, think you ought to inquire about eyebrow replacement too, Eddie. Sorry about that! But hey, at least we know they work!"

"We trust you will ensure that we receive the top grade in the class, professor." "Anything you want, highness!" Umm... Anne, why are you watching your sister make out with her professor? "I was just thinking about Marla. She, like, helps me get good grades just like Ivy's professor helps her!" ...you know, that's a rather apt comparison.

"Soo... about that remedial tutoring you suggested to us..."

"Jack, I think we ought to invest in the island's private penitentiary system." "Meadow, I have just come to that same conclusion myself after laboriously calculating profit margins for the past several hours." And why do the two of you want to invest in the island's jails? "Oh, that's simple, goddess. The profit-to-loss ratio of the business of incarceration is very favorable, especially when the profits involve not being on the receiving end of the losses, if you know what I mean." Ah... yes, I think I... 'savvy'.

Seems Ivy is doing some calculations of her own with her professor in the car. On that lovely note, I suggest you head off to part 2, which hopefully will be slightly better and slightly less insane than this chapter was.