a mother's reckoning

7/24/2019 A Mother's Reckoning

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/a-mothers-reckoning 1/17

C H A P T E R 1

“There’s Been a Shooting at Columbine High School”

APRIL !" 1###" 1$!% P&'&

(as in m) o**ice in +o(nto(n ,en-er" getting rea+) to lea-e *or a meeting about college

scholarshi.s *or stu+ents (ith +isabilities" (hen I notice+ the re+ message light on m) +es/

.hone *lashing&

II chec/e+" on the o** chance m) meeting ha+ been cancele+" but the message (as *rom m)

husban+" Tom" his -oice tight" ragge+" urgent&

“Susan0this is an emergenc) Call me bac/ imme+iatel)”

He +i+n’t sa) an)thing more& He +i+n’t ha-e to$ I /ne( 2ust *rom the soun+ o* his -oice that

something ha+ ha..ene+ to one o* our bo)s&

It *elt as i* it too/ hours *or m) sha/ing *ingers to +ial our home .hone number& Panic crashe+

o-er me li/e a (a-e3 m) heart .oun+e+ in m) ears& 4ur )oungest son" ,)lan" (as at school3 his

ol+er brother" B)ron" (as at (or/& Ha+ there been an acci+ent5

Tom .ic/e+ u. an+ imme+iatel) )elle+$ “Listen to the tele-ision” But I coul+n’t ma/e out

an) +istinct (or+s& It terri*ie+ me that (hate-er ha+ ha..ene+ (as big enough to be on T6& ')

*ear" secon+s earlier" o* a car (rec/ su++enl) seeme+ tame& 7ere (e at (ar5 7as the countr)

un+er attac/5

“7hat’s ha..ening5” I screame+ into the recei-er& There (as onl) static an+ in+eci.herable

tele-ision noise on the other en+& Tom came bac/ on the line" *inall)" but m) or+inaril) stea+*ast

husban+ soun+e+ li/e a ma+man& The scramble+ (or+s .ouring out o* him in staccato bursts

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ma+e no sense$ “gunman & & & shooter & & & school&”

I struggle+ to un+erstan+ (hat Tom (as telling me$ 8ate" ,)lan’s best *rien+" ha+ calle+

Tom’s home o**ice minutes be*ore to as/" “Is ,)lan home5” A call li/e that in the mi++le o* the

school +a) (oul+ ha-e been alarming enough" but the reason *or 8ate’s call (as e-er) .arent’s

(orst nightmare come to li*e$ gunmen (ere shooting at .eo.le at Columbine High School" (here

,)lan (as a senior&

There (as more$ 8ate ha+ sai+ the shooters ha+ been (earing blac/ trench coats" li/e the one

(e’+ bought *or ,)lan&

“I +on’t (ant to alarm )ou"” he’+ sai+ to Tom& “But I /no( all the /i+s (ho (ear blac/ coats"

an+ the onl) ones I can’t *in+ are ,)lan an+ Eric& The) (eren’t in bo(ling this morning" either&”

Tom’s -oice (as hoarse (ith *ear as he tol+ me he’+ hung u. (ith 8ate an+ ri..e+ the house

a.art loo/ing *or ,)lan’s trench coat" irrationall) con-ince+ that i* he coul+ *in+ it" ,)lan (as

*ine& But the coat (as gone" an+ Tom (as *rantic&

“I’m coming home"” I sai+" .anic numbing m) s.ine& 7e hung u. (ithout sa)ing goo+9b)e&

Hel.lessl) *ighting *or com.osure" I as/e+ a co(or/er to cancel m) meeting& Lea-ing the

o**ice" I *oun+ m) han+s sha/ing so uncontrollabl) that I ha+ to stea+) m) right han+ (ith m)

le*t in or+er to .ress the button *or m) *loor in the ele-ator& ') *ello( .assengers (ere

cheer*ull) chatting (ith one another on the (a) out to lunch& I e:.laine+ m) strange beha-ior b)

sa)ing" “There’s been a shooting at Columbine High School& I ha-e to go home an+ ma/e sure

m) son’s o/a)&” A colleague o**ere+ to +ri-e me home& ;nable to s.ea/ *urther" I shoo/ m)

hea+&

As I got into the car" m) min+ race+& It +i+n’t occur to me to turn on the ra+io3 I (as barel)

/ee.ing the car sa*el) on the roa+ as it (as& ') one constant thought" as I +ro-e the t(ent)9si:

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miles to our home$ Dylan is in danger.

Paro:)sms o* *ear clutche+ at m) chest as I si*te+ again an+ again through the same 2agge+

*ragments o* in*ormation& The coat coul+ be an)(here" I tol+ m)sel*$ in ,)lan’s loc/er or in his

car& Surel) a teenager’s missing coat +i+n’t mean an)thing& <et m) stur+)" +e.en+able husban+

ha+ soun+e+ close to h)sterical3 I’+ ne-er hear+ him li/e that be*ore&

The +ri-e *elt li/e an eternit)" li/e I (as tra-eling in slo( motion" although m) min+ s.un at

lightning s.ee+ an+ m) heart .oun+e+ in m) ears& I /e.t tr)ing to .ut the .ieces o* the .u==le

together so it (oul+ come out o/a)" but there (as little com*ort to be *oun+ in the meager *acts I

ha+" an+ I /ne( I’+ ne-er reco-er i* an)thing ha..ene+ to ,)lan&

As I +ro-e" I tal/e+ out lou+ to m)sel* an+ burst into uncontrollable sobs& Anal)tic b) nature"

I trie+ to tal/ m)sel* +o(n$ I +i+n’t ha-e enough in*ormation )et& Columbine High School (as

enormous" (ith more than t(o thousan+ stu+ents& >ust because 8ate ha+n’t been able to *in+

,)lan in the chaos +i+n’t necessaril) mean our son (as hurt or +ea+& I ha+ to sto. allo(ing

Tom’s .anic to in*ect me& E-en as terror continue+ to roll o-er me in (a-es" I tol+ m)sel* (e

(ere .robabl) *rea/ing out unnecessaril)" as an) .arent o* an unaccounte+9*or chil+ (oul+ in the

same situation& 'a)be no one (as hurt& I (as going to (al/ into our /itchen to *in+ ,)lan

rai+ing our *ri+ge" rea+) to tease me *or o-erreacting&

I nonetheless coul+n’t sto. m) min+ *rom careening *rom one terrible scenario to another&

Tom ha+ sai+ there (ere gunmen in the school& Palms s(eat) on the (heel" I shoo/ m) hea+ as

i* Tom (ere there to see& ?unmen 'a)be no one /ne( (here ,)lan (as because he ha+ been

shot& 'a)be he (as l)ing in2ure+ or +ea+ in the school buil+ing0tra..e+" unable to get (or+ to

us& 'a)be he (as being hel+ hostage& The thought (as so a(*ul I coul+ barel) breathe&

But there (as" too" a nagging tug at m) stomach& I’+ *ro=en in *ear (hen I hear+ Tom mention

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Eric Harris& The one time ,)lan ha+ been in serious trouble" he’+ been (ith Eric& I shoo/ m)

hea+ again& ,)lan ha+ al(a)s been a .la)*ul" lo-ing chil+" an+ he’+ gro(n into an e-en99

tem.ere+" sensible a+olescent& He’+ learne+ his lesson" I reassure+ m)sel*& He (oul+n’t allo(

himsel* to get +ra(n into something stu.i+ a secon+ time&

Along (ith the +o=ens o* other *rightening scenarios (hirling through m) *e-ere+ brain" I

(on+ere+ i* the horror un*ol+ing at the school might not be an innocentl) .lanne+ senior .ran/"

s.un terribl) out o* han+&

4ne thing (as *or sure$ ,)lan coul+n’t .ossibl) ha-e a gun& Tom an+ I (ere so a+amantl)

anti9gun" (e (ere consi+ering mo-ing a(a) *rom Colora+o because the la(s (ere changing"

ma/ing it easier to carr) conceale+ *irearms& 8o matter ho( hi+eousl) ill9concei-e+ the stunt"

there (as no (a) ,)lan (oul+ e-er ha-e gotten in-ol-e+ (ith a real gun" e-en as a 2o/e&

An+ so it (ent" *or t(ent)9si: long miles& 4ne minute I (as a(ash (ith images o* ,)lan

hurt" (oun+e+" cr)ing out *or hel." an+ then I’+ be *loo+e+ (ith ha..ier sna.shots$ ,)lan as a

bo)" blo(ing out his birth+a) can+les3 s@uealing (ith ha..) .leasure as he ro+e the .lastic sli+e

(ith his brother into the (a+ing .ool in the bac/)ar+& The) sa) )our li*e *lashes be*ore )ou

(hen )ou +ie" but on that car ri+e home" it (as m) son’s li*e *lashing be*ore me" li/e a mo-ie

reel0each .recious *rame both brea/ing m) heart an+ *illing me (ith +es.erate ho.e&

That hellish ri+e home (as the *irst ste. in (hat (oul+ become a li*etime’s (or/ o* coming to

terms (ith the im.ossible&

7hen I arri-e+ home" m) .anic /ic/e+ into an e-en higher gear& Tom tol+ me (hat he /ne( in

s.ott) bursts$ shooters at the school" ,)lan an+ Eric still unaccounte+ *or& 7hate-er (as

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ha..ening (as serious& He’+ calle+ our ol+er son" B)ron" (ho’+ sai+ he (oul+ lea-e (or/ an+

come to us imme+iatel)&

Tom an+ I race+ aroun+ the house li/e +emente+ (in+9u. to)s" *loo+e+ (ith a+renaline"

unable to sto. or to com.lete a tas/& 4ur (i+e9e)e+ .ets crouche+ in the corners" alarme+&

Tom (as single9min+e+ in his *ocus on the missing coat" but I (as .ersonall) con*oun+e+ b)

8ate sa)ing ,)lan ha+ misse+ bo(ling& He’+ le*t the house that morning (ith more than enough

time to get there3 he’+ sai+ goo+9b)e as he le*t& Thin/ing about it" I *oun+ m)sel* haunte+ b) the

.eculiar nature o* that *are(ell&

That morning" the morning o* A.ril !" m) alarm ha+ gone o** be*ore *irst light& As I +resse+

*or (or/" I (atche+ the cloc/& no(ing ho( much ,)lan hate+ to get u. earl)" Tom an+ I ha+

trie+ to tal/ him out o* signing u. *or a $1% a&m& bo(ling class& But ,)lan .re-aile+& It (oul+ be

*un" he sai+$ he lo-e+ bo(ling" an+ some o* his *rien+s (ere ta/ing the class& Throughout the

semester" he’+ +one a goo+ 2ob o* getting himsel* to the alle) on time0not a .er*ect recor+" but

nearl)& Still" I nee+e+ to /ee. an e)e on the time& 8o matter ho( +uti*ull) he set his alarm" on

bo(ling mornings ,)lan usuall) nee+e+ an e:tra call9out *rom me at the bottom o* the stairs to

get him out o* be+&

But on the morning o* A.ril !" I (as still getting +resse+ (hen I hear+ ,)lan boun+ing

hea-il) +o(n the stairs" .ast our close+ be+room +oor on the main *loor& It sur.rise+ me that he

(as u. an+ +resse+ so earl) (ithout .rom.ting& He (as mo-ing @uic/l) an+ seeme+ to be in a

hurr) to lea-e" though he ha+ .lent) o* time to slee. a little more&

7e al(a)s coor+inate+ our .lans *or the +a)" so I o.ene+ the be+room +oor an+ leane+ out&

“,)l5” I calle+& The rest o* the house (as too +ar/ *or me to see an)thing" but I hear+ the *ront

+oor o.en& 4ut o* the blac/ness" his -oice shar. an+ +ecisi-e" I hear+ m) son )ell" “B)e"” an+

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then the *ront +oor shut *irml) behin+ him& He (as gone be*ore I coul+ e-en turn on the hall(a)

light&

;nsettle+ b) the e:change" I turne+ bac/ to the be+ an+ (o/e Tom& There ha+ been an e+ge to

,)lan’s -oice in that single (or+ I’+ ne-er hear+ be*ore0a sneer" almost" as i* he’+ been caught

in the mi++le o* a *ight (ith someone&

It (asn’t the *irst sign (e’+ ha+ that (ee/ to in+icate ,)lan (as un+er some stress& T(o +a)s

be*ore" on Sun+a)" Tom ha+ as/e+ me$ “Ha-e )ou notice+ ,)lan’s -oice latel)5 The .itch o* it is

tight an+ higher than usual&” Tom gesture+ to(ar+ his -ocal cor+s (ith his thumb an+ mi++le

*inger& “His -oice goes u. li/e that (hen he’s tense& I thin/ something ma) be bothering him&”

Tom’s instincts about the bo)s ha+ al(a)s been e:cellent" an+ (e agree+ to sit +o(n (ith ,)lan

to see i* something (as on his min+& It certainl) ma+e sense that ,)lan (oul+ be *eeling some

an:iet) as his high school gra+uation loome+& Three (ee/s be*ore" (e’+ gone to -isit his *irst99

choice college" the ;ni-ersit) o* Ari=ona& Though ,)lan (as highl) in+e.en+ent" lea-ing the

state *or school (oul+ be a big a+2ustment *or a /i+ (ho’+ ne-er been a(a) *rom home&

But I (as unsettle+ b) the tight @ualit) I’+ hear+ in ,)lan’s -oice (hen he sai+ goo+9b)e" an+

it bugge+ me that he ha+n’t sto..e+ to share his .lans *or the +a)& 7e ha+n’t )et ha+ the chance

to sit +o(n an+ tal/ (ith him" as ,)lan ha+ s.ent most o* the (ee/en+ (ith -arious *rien+s& “I

thin/ )ou (ere right on Sun+a)"” I tol+ m) slee.) husban+& “Something is bothering ,)lan&”

Drom be+" Tom reassure+ me& “I’ll tal/ to him as soon as he gets home&” Because Tom

(or/e+ *rom home" the t(o o* them usuall) share+ the s.orts section an+ ha+ a snac/ together

(hen ,)lan got bac/ *rom school& I rela:e+ an+ continue+ to get rea+) *or (or/ as usual"

relie-e+ to /no( that b) the time I arri-e+ home" Tom (oul+ /no( i* something (as bothering

,)lan&

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In the (a/e o* 8ate’s .hone call" though" as I stoo+ in our /itchen tr)ing to .iece together the

*ragments o* in*ormation (e ha+" I *elt chille+ b) the memor) o* the nast)" har+ *latness in ,)lan’s

-oice as he’+ sai+ goo+9b)e that morning" an+ the *act that he’+ le*t earl) but ha+n’t ma+e it to

class& I’+ *igure+ he (as meeting someone earl) *or co**ee0ma)be e-en to tal/ through (hate-er

(as bugging him& But i* he ha+n’t ma+e it to bo(ling" then (here on earth ha+ he been5

The bottom +i+n’t *all out *rom m) (orl+ until the tele.hone rang" an+ Tom ran into the

/itchen to ans(er it& It (as a la()er& ') *ears so *ar ha+ been +ominate+ b) the .ossibilit) that

,)lan (as in +anger0that either he’+ been .h)sicall) hurt or +one something stu.i+" something

that (oul+ get him into trouble& 8o( I un+erstoo+ that Tom’s *ears also inclu+e+ something *or

(hich ,)lan coul+ nee+ a la()er&

,)lan ha+ gotten into trouble (ith Eric in his 2unior )ear& The e.iso+e ha+ gi-en us the shoc/

o* our li-es$ our (ell9mannere+" organi=e+ /i+" the /i+ (e’+ ne-er ha+ to (orr) about" ha+

bro/en into a .ar/e+ -an an+ stolen some electronic [email protected]& As a result" ,)lan ha+ been .ut

on .robation& He’+ com.lete+ a ,i-ersion .rogram" (hich allo(e+ him to a-oi+ an) criminal

charges& In *act" he’+ gra+uate+ earl) *rom the course0an unusual occurrence" (e (ere tol+09

an+ (ith glo(ing .raise *rom the counselor&

E-er)one ha+ tol+ us not to ma/e too much o* the inci+ent$ ,)lan (as a goo+ /i+" an+ e-en

the best teenage bo)s ha-e been /no(n to ma/e colossall) stu.i+ mista/es& But (e’+ also been

(arne+ that a single misste." e-en sha-ing cream on a banister" (oul+ mean a *elon) charge an+

2ail time& An+ so" at the *irst in+ication that ,)lan might be in trouble" Tom ha+ contacte+ a

highl) recommen+e+ +e*ense attorne)& 7hile .art o* me (as incre+ulous that Tom imagine+

,)lan coul+ be in-ol-e+ in (hate-er (as ha..ening at the school" another .art o* me *elt

grate*ul& In s.ite o* Tom’s (orr)" he’+ ha+ the *oresight to be .roacti-e&

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I (as still miles a(a) *rom the i+ea that .eo.le might actuall) be hurt" or that the)’+ been

hurt b) m) son’s han+& I (as sim.l) (orrie+ that ,)lan" in the ser-ice o* some +umb .ractical

2o/e" might ha-e 2eo.ar+i=e+ his *uture b) carelessl) thro(ing a(a) the secon+ chance he’+

been gi-en (ith the success*ul com.letion o* his ,i-ersion .rogram&

The call" o* course" brought much" much (orse ne(s& The la()er Tom ha+ contacte+" ?ar)

Lo=o(" ha+ reache+ out to the sheri**’s o**ice& He (as calling bac/ to tell Tom the unthin/able

(as no( con*irme+& Although re.orts (ere (il+l) contra+ictor)" there (as no +oubt something

terrible in-ol-ing gunmen (as ha..ening at Columbine High School& The +istrict attorne)’s

o**ice ha+ con*irme+ to ?ar) Lo=o( that the) sus.ecte+ ,)lan (as one o* the gunmen& The

.olice (ere on their (a) to our home&

7hen Tom hung u. the .hone" (e stare+ at each other in stunne+ horror an+ +isbelie*& 7hat I

(as hearing coul+n’t .ossibl) be true& An+ )et it (as& An+ )et it coul+n’t .ossibl) be& E-en the

most nightmarish (orst9case scenarios I’+ .la)e+ out in m) min+ +uring the car ri+e home .ale+

(ith the realit) no( emerging& I’+ been (orrie+ ,)lan (as in +anger or ha+ +one something

chil+ish to get himsel* into trouble3 no( it a..eare+ that .eo.le ha+ been hurt because o*

(hate-er he (as +oing& This (as real3 it (as ha..ening& Still" I coul+ not get m) brain to gras.

(hat I (as hearing&

Then Tom tol+ me he (as going to tr) to get into the school&

I )elle+" “8o Are )ou cra=)5 <ou coul+ get /ille+”

He loo/e+ at me stea+il)" an+ then he sai+" “So5”

All o* the nois) con*usion s(irling aroun+ us came to a +ea+ sto. as (e stare+ at each other&

A*ter a moment" I bit bac/ m) .rotests an+ turne+ a(a)& Tom (as right& E-en i* he +ie+" at least

(e’+ be sure he’+ +one e-er)thing he coul+ to sto. (hate-er (as ha..ening&

8



Shortl) a*ter one o’cloc/" I calle+ m) sister" m) *ingers sha/ing as I +iale+& ') .arents (ere

both +ea+" but m) ol+er sister an+ )ounger brother li-e+ near each other in another state& ')

entire li*e" m) sister has been the one I reach out to (hen things are going (ell" an+ the one I

reach out to (hen the) aren’t& She has al(a)s ta/en care o* me&

The minute I hear+ her -oice" (hate-er com.osure I’+ been maintaining colla.se+" an+ I

burst into tears& “Something horrible is ha..ening at the school& I +on’t /no( i* ,)lan is hurting

.eo.le or i* he’s hurt& The)’re sa)ing he’s in-ol-e+&” There (as nothing ,iane coul+ sa) to stem

m) tears" but she +i+ .romise to call our brother an+ the rest o* the *amil)& “7e’re here *or )ou"”

she sai+ *iercel) as (e sai+ goo+9b)e so I coul+ /ee. the line *ree& I ha+ no i+ea then ho( much I

(oul+ nee+ her o-er the )ears to come&

B) the time our ol+er son" B)ron" arri-e+" m) *ren=ie+ attem.ts to +o something0an)thing09

ha+ groun+ to a halt" an+ I (as sitting at the /itchen counter" sobbing into a +ish to(el& As soon as

B)ron .ut his arms aroun+ me" e-er) ounce o* strength le*t m) bo+) an+ I colla.se+" so he (as

hol+ing me u. more than he (as hugging me&

“Ho( coul+ he +o this5 Ho( coul+ he +o this5” I /e.t as/ing& I ha+ no i+ea (hat “this” (as&

B)ron shoo/ his hea+ in silent +isbelie*" his arms still aroun+ me& There (as nothing to sa)& Part

o* me thought" I’m his mother. I should pull myself together, be a role model here, be strong for

Byron. But it (as im.ossible *or me to +o an)thing other than (ee. hel.lessl)" a rag +oll in m)

son’s arms&

The .olice began to arri-e" an+ the) escorte+ us out o* the house to (ait in the +ri-e(a)& It

(as a beauti*ul +a)" sunn) an+ (arm" the /in+ o* +a) that ma/es )ou *eel li/e s.ring might

*inall) be here to sta)& ;n+er other circumstances" I’+ be re2oicing (e’+ sur-i-e+ another long

Colora+o (inter& Instea+" the beaut) o* the (eather *elt li/e a sla. in the *ace& “7hat are the)

9



loo/ing *or5 7hat +o the) (ant5” I /e.t as/ing& “Can (e hel.5” E-entuall)" an o**icer tol+ us

the) (ere searching our house an+ our tenant’s a.artment *or e:.losi-es&

It (as the *irst time (e’+ hear+ an)thing about e:.losi-es& 7e coul+ *in+ out nothing more&

7e (ere not allo(e+ into our house (ithout a .olice escort& Tom (oul+ not be .ermitte+ to go to

the school" or an)(here else& Later" (e learne+ that no one ha+ been allo(e+ in the school& The

*irst res.on+ers ha+n’t entere+ the buil+ing until long a*ter ,)lan an+ Eric (ere +ea+"

surroun+e+ b) the bo+ies o* their -ictims&

As (e stoo+ there" (aiting in the sunn) +ri-e(a)" I notice+ that three or *our o* the o**icers

(ere (earing S7AT team uni*orms an+ (hat a..eare+ to be bullet.roo* -ests& The sight o* them

(as more .u==ling than alarming& 7h) (ere the) at our house instea+ o* at the school5 The)

crouche+ an+ entere+ our home through the *ront +oor" their guns +ra(n an+ hel+ at arm’s length

(ith both han+s as i* in a mo-ie& ,i+ the) thin/ (e (ere harboring ,)lan5 4r that Tom an+ I

(oul+ someho( be a +anger to them5

It (as com.letel) surreal" an+ I thought -er) clearl)$ We are the last people on earth anyone

would expect to be in this situation.

7e s.ent hours .acing the +ri-e(a) li/e *rightene+ animals& B)ron (as still smo/ing then"

an+ I (atche+ him light cigarette a*ter cigarette" too o-er(helme+ to .rotest& The .olice (oul+

not engage (ith us" though (e begge+ *or in*ormation& 7hat ha+ ha..ene+5 Ho( +i+ the) /no(

,)lan (as a sus.ect5 Ho( man) gunmen (ere there5 7here (as ,)lan5 7as he o/a)5 8obo+)

(oul+ tell us a thing&

Time (ar.e+" as it +oes in emergencies& 'e+ia an+ .olice helico.ters began circling noisil)

o-erhea+& 4ur tenant" Alison" (ho li-e+ in the stu+io outbuil+ing on our .ro.ert)" brought us

bottles o* (ater an+ granola bars (e coul+n’t bear to eat& I* (e nee+e+ to use the bathroom" (e

10



+i+ so (ith t(o arme+ .olicemen guar+ing the other si+e o* the +oor& I (asn’t sure i* the) (ere

.rotecting us or i* (e (ere sus.ects& Both o.tions horri*ie+ me$ I’+ ne-er +one an)thing illegal

in m) li*e" an+ it ha+ ne-er" e-er occurre+ to me to be a*rai+ o* m) son&

As the a*ternoon stretche+ on" (e continue+ to .ace the +ri-e(a)& Con-ersation (as

im.ossible& The Roc/) 'ountain *oothills surroun+ing our home ha+ al(a)s soothe+ me3 Tom

an+ I o*ten sai+ (e +i+n’t *eel an) nee+ to tra-el because (e alrea+) li-e+ in the most beauti*ul

.lace on earth& But that a*ternoon" the tall stone cli**s seeme+ col+ an+ *orbi++ing0.rison (alls

aroun+ our home&

I loo/e+ u. to see a *igure coming u. the +ri-e(a)& It (as >u+) Bro(n" the mother o* one o*

,)lan’s chil+hoo+ *rien+s" Broo/s& Alerte+ b) the Littleton rumor mill that ,)lan (as in-ol-e+

in the e-ents at the school" she ha+ come to our house&

I (as startle+ to see her& 4ur bo)s ha+ been goo+ *rien+s in *irst an+ secon+ gra+es an+ then

reunite+ in high school" but the) ha+n’t been close" an+ I’+ onl) seen >u+) a *e( times in the

)ears since elementar) school& 7e’+ chatte+ (arml) a *e( (ee/s be*ore" at a school e-ent" but

(e’+ ne-er +one an)thing together e:ce.t (hen our bo)s (ere in-ol-e+" an+ I (asn’t sure I

coul+ manage an) social niceties& I (as too +isoriente+ to @uestion (h) she (as there" but it +i+

seem o++ *or her to ha-e materiali=e+ +uring this most .ri-ate o* times& She an+ Alison sat on

either si+e o* me on our bric/ si+e(al/" urging me to +rin/ the (ater the)’+ brought& Tom an+

B)ron .ace+ u. an+ +o(n the *ront (al/ (ith broo+ing e:.ressions as (e all struggle+ (ith our

o(n s.lintere+ thoughts&

') min+ (as a chaotic s(irl& There (as no (a) to s@uare the in*ormation (e ha+ (ith (hat I

/ne( about m) li*e" an+ about m) son& The) coul+n’t be tal/ing about ,)lan" our “Sunshine

Bo)"” such a goo+ /i+" he al(a)s ma+e me *eel li/e a goo+ mother& I* it (as true that ,)lan ha+

11



intentionall) hurt .eo.le" then (here in his li*e ha+ this come *rom5

E-entuall)" the +etecti-e in charge tol+ us he (ante+ to inter-ie( each o* us se.aratel)& Tom

an+ I (ere ha..) an+ eager to coo.erate" es.eciall) i* there (as an)thing (e coul+ +o to she+

light on (hate-er (as ha..ening&

') inter-ie( too/ .lace in the *ront seat o* the +etecti-e’s car& It’s unthin/able no(" but

+uring that inter-ie(" I reall) belie-e+ I coul+ straighten the (hole mess out i* I coul+ onl)

e:.lain (h) e-er)thing the) (ere thin/ing about ,)lan (as (rong& I +i+ not reali=e I ha+

entere+ a ne( .hase in m) li*e& I still thought the or+er o* the (orl+ as I’+ /no(n it coul+ be

restore+&

I .resse+ m) trembling han+s together to still them& Solemn an+ intimi+ating" the +etecti-e

got right to the .oint$ ,i+ (e /ee. an) (ea.ons in our home5 Ha+ ,)lan been intereste+ in

(ea.ons or in e:.losi-es5 I ha+ little o* rele-ance to share (ith him& Tom an+ I ha+ ne-er o(ne+

an) guns& BB guns (ere stan+ar+ *are *or )oung bo)s (here (e li-e+" but (e’+ buc/e+ the tren+

*or as long as (e coul+0an+ then ma+e our /i+s create an+ sign han+(ritten sa*et) contracts

be*ore gi-ing in& The)’+ use+ the BBs *or target .ractice *or a (hile" but b) the time ,)lan (as a

)oung teenager" the air ri*les ha+ *oun+ their (a) to a shel* in the garage (ith the mo+el

air.lanes an+ ?&I& >oe action *igures an+ the other *orgotten relics o* the bo)s’ chil+hoo+s&

I remembere+ alou+ that ,)lan ha+ as/e+ the )ear be*ore i* I (oul+ consi+er bu)ing him a

gun *or Christmas& The re@uest (as ma+e in .assing an+ came out o* the blue& Sur.rise+" I ha+

as/e+ (h) he (ante+ a gun" an+ he’+ tol+ me it (oul+ be *un to go to a shooting range sometime

*or target .ractice& ,)lan /ne( ho( a-i+l) anti9gun I (as" so the re@uest ha+ ta/en me abac/09

e-en though (e’+ mo-e+ to a rural area" (here hunting an+ hanging out at the shooting range

(ere .o.ular .astimes& As alien as it might ha-e been to me .ersonall)" guns (ere an acce.te+

12



.art o* the culture (here (e li-e+" an+ man) o* our neighbors an+ *rien+s in Colora+o (ere

recreational *irearm enthusiasts& So (hile I (oul+ ne-er allo( a gun un+er our roo*" ,)lan’s

re@uest *or one +i+n’t set o** an) s.ecial alarm bells&

I’+ suggeste+ (e search *or his ol+ BB gun instea+& ,)lan rolle+ his e)es" a teasing smile on

his *ace$ Moms. “It’s not the same thing"” he sai+" an+ I shoo/ m) hea+ +ecisi-el)& “I can’t

imagine (h) )ou’+ (ant a gun" an+ )ou /no( ho( )our +a+ an+ I *eel about them& <ou’re going

to be eighteen shortl)" an+ i* )ou reall) (ant one" )ou can get one *or )oursel* then& But )ou

/no( I (oul+ ne-er" ever bu) )ou a gun&”

,)lan no++e+ *on+l) at me" an+ smile+& “<eah" I /ne( )ou’+ sa) that& I 2ust thought I’+ as/&”

There (as no intensit) to the re@uest" an+ no animosit) (hen I +ismisse+ it& He ne-er mentione+

a gun to me again" an+ I *ile+ it in the same categor) as the other outlan+ish Christmas re@uests

he’+ ma+e o-er the )ears& He ha+n’t seriousl) thought (e (ere going to get him a muscle car or

gli+ing lessons" either&

The +etecti-e ha+ another @uestion$ 7as ,)lan intereste+ in e:.losi-es5 I thought he (as

as/ing about *irecrac/ers" an+ I ans(ere+ truth*ull)$ ,)lan +i+ li/e those& He’+ acce.te+

*ire(or/s as .a)ment (hen he’+ (or/e+ at a *ire(or/s +is.la) stan+" one o* his *irst summer

2obs& It’s legal to sell them in Colora+o&F So he ha+ a lot o* them" (hich he /e.t sa*el) store+ in

a big rubber bin in the garage& He set the *irecrac/ers o** on the Dourth o* >ul)" an+ en2o)e+

them3 the rest o* the )ear" the) sat in the bin in the garage" *orgotten& ,)lan (as a collector o* a

lot o* things& I ha+n’t hear+ an)thing )et about .ro.ane tan/s or .i.e bombs" so I ha+ no i+ea

(hat the +etecti-e (as reall) as/ing me&

I *elt small an+ *rightene+ in the *ront seat o* the +etecti-e’s car" but I (as +e+icate+ to

ans(ering his @uestions *ull) an+ truth*ull)& 7hen he as/e+ i* I ha+ e-er seen an) gun catalogs

13



or maga=ines aroun+ the house" his @uestion 2arre+ something loose in m) memor)& A *e(

catalogs (ith guns on the co-er had arri-e+ in the stac/s o* un(ante+ 2un/ mail (e recei-e+ on a

+ail) basis& I ha+n’t .ai+ an) more attention to them than I ha+ to the catalogs a+-ertising

.ersonali=e+ bab) clothes or ortho.e+ic +e-ices *or the el+erl)" an+ ha+ thro(n them a(a)

(ithout loo/ing at them& ,)lan ha+ .ulle+ one o* those catalogs out o* the trash& He’+ been

loo/ing *or a .air o* hea-)9+ut) (or/ boots to *it his large *eet" an+ he *oun+ a .air o* boots he

li/e+ in the catalog& 7hen (e learne+ the) +i+n’t carr) his si=e" I thre( the catalog a(a) a

secon+ time& He’+ e-entuall) *oun+ a .air o* boots at an arm) sur.lus store&

I *elt li/e the +etecti-e (as loo/ing at me (ith /no(ing e)es& otcha. Su++enl) +e*ensi-e

an+ sel*9conscious" I hear+ m)sel* begin to babble" tr)ing to get this .olice o**icer to un+erstan+

ho( man) catalogs came e-er) +a)" an+ (h) I ha+n’t chec/e+ the a++ressee& I thought he’+

un+erstan+ i* onl) I coul+ ma/e m)sel* hear+& I ha+ al(a)s relie+ on m) a.titu+e *or a++ressing

.roblems logicall)" an+ on m) abilit) to communicate e**ecti-el)& I +i+ not )et un+erstan+0an+

(oul+ not *or some time0that m) -ersion o* realit) (as the one out o* s)nc&

The +etecti-e as/e+ about recent e-ents" an+ I tol+ him e-er)thing I coul+ remember& A *e(

(ee/s earlier" (e’+ -isite+ the ;ni-ersit) o* Ari=ona& ,)lan ha+ been acce.te+" an+ (e (ante+

him to be able to .lant his *eet on the groun+ o* his number9one .ic/ to ma/e sure the *it *elt

right& >ust three +a)s be*ore" ,)lan" han+some in a tu:e+o" ha+ .ose+ (ith his .rom +ate"

smiling a(/(ar+l) (hile (e sna..e+ a .icture& Ho( coul+ that bo) be the one the) (ere

accusing5

But there (as no ans(er *orthcoming" nor an) ho.e& The inter-ie( (as o-er& As I climbe+ out

o* the +etecti-e’s car" I *elt as i* I (ere about to e:.lo+e into a thousan+ .ieces" bits o* me

s.inning out into the stratos.here&

14



7e still (eren’t .ermitte+ into the house& Tom an+ B)ron (ere still .acing the +ri-e(a)& A

.olice o**icer tol+ us the in-estigators (ere (aiting *or the bomb s@ua+" a .iece o* in*ormation

that onl) a++e+ to our terror an+ con*usion& 7ere the) loo/ing *or a bomb5 Ha+ our home been

boob)9tra..e+ b) someone ,)lan /ne(5 But nobo+) (oul+ ans(er an) o* our @uestions" an+ (e

coul+n’t tell i* this (as because the) +i+n’t )et /no( e:actl) (hat ha+ ha..ene+" or because (e

(ere sus.ects&

Because (e ha+ been stan+ing *or so long in our +ri-e(a)" cut o** *rom an) me+ia or ne(s

u.+ates" (e .robabl) /ne( less than an)one else in Littleton0or the rest o* the (orl+" *or that

matter0about (hat (as going on& Cell .hones (ere not )et as ubi@uitous as the) are no(3

although Tom ha+ one *or (or/" its signal (as bloc/e+ b) the san+stone cli**s surroun+ing our

house& The .olice ha+ comman+eere+ our home .hone& Drightene+ an+ be(il+ere+" all (e coul+

+o (as .ra) *or our son&

7e (aite+ outsi+e in the sun" .erche+ on concrete ste.s or leaning against .ar/e+ cars& >u+)

a..roache+ me& ,ro..ing her -oice con*i+entiall)" she tol+ me about a -iolent (ebsite Eric ha+

ma+e& Still out o* m) min+ (ith (orr) about ,)lan" I +i+n’t un+erstan+ (h) she (as telling me

about it" until I +i+$ she’+ /no(n Eric (as +isturbe+ an+ +angerous *or a long time&

“7h) +i+n’t )ou tell me5” I as/e+" genuinel) ba**le+& She’+ tol+ the .olice" she sai+&

The house .hone rang constantl)& The +etecti-e calle+ me to the .hone to s.ea/ to m) el+erl)

aunt& She’+ hear+ about a shooting in Littleton& ,)lan’s name ha+ not )et been mentione+ on

air&F She (as in *rail health" an+ I (orrie+ about telling her the truth" but reali=e+ that .rotecting

her (oul+ soon be im.ossible&

I sai+ as gentl) as .ossible" “Please .re.are )oursel* *or the (orst& The .olice are here& The)

thin/ ,)lan is in-ol-e+&” As she .roteste+" I re.eate+ (hat I ha+ alrea+) sai+& 7hat ha+ been

15



inconcei-able hours be*ore ha+ alrea+) begun to soli+i*) into a ne( an+ horrible realit)& >ust as

nebulous sha.es resol-e into letters an+ numbers (ith e-er) .rogressi-e clic/ o* the machine at the

e)e +octor’s" so (as the magnitu+e o* the horror starting to come into *ocus *or me& E-er)thing

(as still an incom.rehensible blur" but I alrea+) /ne( t(o things$ this (oul+ not be the case *or

much longer" an+ the con*usion (as resol-ing into a truth I +i+ not belie-e I coul+ bear&

I .romise+ m) aunt I (oul+ be in touch" an+ hung u. to /ee. the line o.en *or communication

*rom the school&

As the sha+o(s lengthene+" time slo(e+& Tom an+ I mu++le+ through our uncertaint) in

hushe+ (his.ers& 7e ha+ no choice but to acce.t ,)lan’s in-ol-ement" but neither o* us coul+

belie-e he ha+ .artici.ate+ in a shooting un+er his o(n *ree (ill& He must ha-e become mi:e+

u. (ith a criminal" someho(" or a grou. o* them" (ho *orce+ him to .artici.ate& 7e e-en

consi+ere+ that someone ha+ threatene+ to harm us" an+ he ha+ gone along in or+er to .rotect us&

'a)be he ha+ gone into the school thin/ing it (as a harmless 2o/e" some /in+ o* theater" onl) to

learn at the last minute he (as using li-e ammunition5

I sim.l) coul+ not" (oul+ not" belie-e ,)lan .artici.ate+ -oluntaril) in hurting .eo.le& I* he

ha+" the /in+" *unn)" goo*) /i+ that (e lo-e+ so much must ha-e been tric/e+" threatene+"

coerce+" or e-en +rugge+ into +oing it&

Later (e (oul+ learn that ,)lan’s *rien+s s.un similar e:.lanations *or the e-ents un*urling

aroun+ them& 8ot one o* them consi+ere+ he might (illingl) be in-ol-e+& 8one o* us (oul+

learn the true le-el o* his in-ol-ement0or the +e.ths o* his rage" alienation" an+ +es.air0until

man) months later& E-en then" man) o* us (oul+ struggle to reconcile the .erson (e /ne( an+

lo-e+ (ith (hat he’+ +one that +a)&

7e sta)e+ out there in the +ri-e(a)" sus.en+e+ in limbo" the .assing hours mar/e+ onl) b)

16



our hel.less con*usion as (e careene+ *rom ho.e to +rea+& The .hone rang an+ rang an+ rang&

Then the glass storm +oor o* our house once again s(ung o.en" an+ this time I coul+ hear the

tele-ision Tom ha+ le*t on in our be+room" echoing insi+e the em.t) rooms& A local ne(s anchor

(as re.orting *rom outsi+e Columbine High School& I hear+ him sa) the latest re.orts ha+

t(ent)9*i-e .eo.le +ea+&

Li/e mothers all o-er Littleton" I ha+ been .ra)ing *or m) son’s sa*et)& But (hen I hear+ the

ne(scaster .ronounce t(ent)9*i-e .eo.le +ea+" m) .ra)ers change+& I* ,)lan (as in-ol-e+ in

hurting or /illing other .eo.le" he ha+ to be sto..e+& As a mother" this (as the most +i**icult

.ra)er I ha+ e-er s.o/en in the silence o* m) thoughts" but in that instant I /ne( the greatest

merc) I coul+ .ra) *or (as not m) son’s sa*et)" but *or his +eath&

17

a mother's reckoning

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