a cricket county city christmas

8/8/2019 A Cricket County City Christmas

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A Cricket County City

Christmas

SCENE 1( Latrissa and Alfred are

cleaning when the doorbell rings .)LATRISSA: Yes? ( Elkin startsto speak ) I’m sorry but thefamily has given to all thecharities this year. ( closes door and walks away )( Doorbell rings again )ALFRED: We told you we’renot giving. Try the homeless



shelter downtown. ( closes door

but the doorbell rings again ) Itold you . . .ELKIN: Excuse me, sir. Idon’t mean to be rude, but do

you think we might come in?It’s awful cold out here on this

beautiful porch.LATRISSA: If you think you’re coming inside, you’resadly mistaken. The family isexpecting out-of-town guests,so if you would please . . .



BRENDA MAE : Cousin

Elkin, we’re freezin’. What’stakin’ so long?LATRISSA : Goodness! Whatis THAT!?

ELKIN : That’s my cousin,Brenda Mae.GLENDA MAE : My hair isgetting frost bit out here.LATRISSA : Don’t worry,dear, nothing could damageanything that atrocious.GLENDA MAE : Thank you.Elkin, can we go in now?



ELKIN : That all depends on

whether or not this nice citylady will open this here door.ALFRED : Your chances of winning the lottery are greater.

ELKIN : Is that a “yes” or a“no”?LATRISSA : That would be a“no”.LUCINDA MAE : We’ll turninto icicles if we stay out herethat long.LATRISSA : Away with younow. Shoo! Away, Away!(closes door )



OSWALD : (enters from

kitchen ) Who was at the door Alfred?ALFRED: Just morefreeloaders soliciting a handout.

OSWALD: I thought it mighthave been our cousins from thecountry. They’re due any timenow. ( looks out window )LATRISSA: I have all theguest rooms made up, sir. I’m alittle excited to meet your family; I mean, people sowealthy and all. I hope I don’tget nervous.



OSWALD: There’s something

I need to tell you about mycousins. Although they becamequite wealthy from all those oilfields, diamond mines, gold

mines and coal mines theyinherited from Uncle Zeke, theyare still very simple people.ALFRED: That’s wonderful!To be that rich and still be sodown to earth.OSWALD: This is their firsttrip out of their little hillbillyworld, and I want to make it asenjoyable for them as possible.



LATRISSA: Yes, sir. I will do

everything in my power tomake them feel at home.OSWALD: ( looks at his watch )Where are they? They should

have been here by now. I hopethey haven’t gotten lost in thecity. (Opens up the door andfinds Elkin standing there.)ELKIN: Merry Christmas!OSWALD: Elkin!LATRISSA: ( Rushes to thedoor ) What did I tell you abouthanding around here? Nowaway with you . . .



OSWALD: Latrissa, this . . .

LATRISSA: No, sir, don’t giveit another thought. I’ll get rid of these hobos right away!ELKIN: Your fancy porch is

nice, Cousin Oswald, but wewas kind of hopin’ we could seethe rest of your place beforeheadin’ back home.BRENDA: ( waves ) Hello,Cousin Oswald, it’s me, BrendaMae.OSWALD: Come in, CountryCousins, get out of the cold!(all enter ) Elkin, Brenda Mae,



Glenda Mae, Lucinda Mae,

Fester, Donna Jo, Betty Sue;welcome to my home. This isour maid, Latrissa, and our

butler, Alfred. Alfred, Latrissa,

these are my cousins fromCricket County.LATRISSA: It. . . It’s nice tomeet all of you, I’m sure.BRENDA: ( Runs to Oswald )Are you really glad to see meagain, Cousin Oswald?GLENDA: Aren’t you glad tosee me more , Cousin Oswald?



LUCINDA: Nuh-uh! He’s

glad to see me the most!OSWALD: Well, I’m glad tosee all of you equally.LUCINDA: See?!

FESTER: Is this fancy buildin’where you live, CousinOswald?OSWALD: This is it. Myhumble home.FESTER: Golly. There’s noteven any cracks in the walls.GLENDA: It sure is good tosee you again, Cousin Oswald.



LATRISSA: I’m afraid we owe

all of you a humble expressionof regret for my previousaloofness. I was wondering if you could ever excuse such

incompetence.GLENDA: That sure was somefancy talkin’.FESTER: I didn’t understand aword she said, but it sure wassome fancy talkin’.LATRISSA: I was justapologizing, that’s all. May Ihave your coats?BRENDA: Bless your heart.



GLENDA: Don’t have a coat

of her own. That is a pity, Ms.Latrissa.LUCINDA: Of course you canhave our coats.

ELKIN: And wear them ingood health.OSWALD: She doesn’t want tokeep them. She wants to hangthem up for you.ELKIN: What a neighborlything to do. See, cousins, I toldyou the people in the city would

be friendly.



LATRISSA: I’ll just take these

upstairs. If you’ll excuse me.(Starts to leave )FESTER: Ms. Latrissa? ( She

stops ) You’re excused. Now

that is one fine-looking female,Cousin Elkin. I think I mightask her to marry up with melater on today.ELKIN: Fester, you don’t evenknow her.FESTER: I do know that she’s

prettier than a bowl of squirrelgravy. Why can’t I marry her?



BRENDA: ’Cause you don’t

love her – like I love CousinOswald.FESTER: How do I know if Ilove her or not?

ELKIN: There’s differentways. Some people seefirecrackers. Some people getsick at their stomach, and somefolks hear sweet music playin’when they look at the personthey love.FESTER: Music? For real?GLENDA: I hear sweet music

playin’ right now.



OSWALD: Yeah, “Baby,

Don’t Get Hooked on Me.”FESTER: Music. Got it.ELKIN: ( looks around ) My, Idon’t believe I’ve seen anything

this beautiful in all my borndays.DONNA JO: ( pointing at thetree ) Look at that Christmastree, Cousin Elkin.BETTY SUE: It’s bigger thanLookout Mountain back home.COUNTRY COUSINS:Oooooh. Ahhhhh.



FESTER: It looks like a giant

shiny bush.GLENDA: Look how itglitters.BRENDA: And sparkles.

LUCINDA: Just like your eyes,Cousin Oswald. ( Glenda and

Brenda pull Lucinda’s pigtails, Lucinda pulls their pigtailsback )ELKIN: Will we be beddin’down in here, Cousin Oswald?FESTER: I’ve never slept on afloor this sparkly before.



OSWALD: You don’t have to

sleep on the floor. Each one of you has your own bedroomupstairs.BRENDA: Cousin Oswald, I’m

afraid you’re going to have todecide who you want to marry,me or one of my sisters.GLENDA: Yeah, cause we’retired of waitin’. There’s awhole slew of fellas back homewantin’ to ask us for our hand.LUCINDA: I told Glenda Maeand Brenda Mae not to be



surprised if I get an engagement

ring from you this Christmas.OSWALD: Engagement?!ELKIN: Now girls. You’re

puttin’ Cousin Oswald on the

spot.OSWALD: Thank you, Elkin.ELKIN: He’ll make hisdecision in his own time.Oswald, you just take your time. You got three whole daysto decide which one you want tohitch up with.



BRENDA & GLENDA: We

won’t.LATRISSA: ( enters fromkitchen ) The rooms are ready,sir. Take your luggage and

walk this way.FESTER: OK, but it ain’tgonna be easy.BRENDA: Come on, GlendaMae and Lucinda Mae, walk this way.DONNA JO: Look CousinOswald, we’re walking thisway.



BETTY SUE: Yeah, this is

fun! ( Country Cousins exit )ELKIN: We sure are excited tospend our Christmas with you,Cousin Oswald. I’ll go get

settled in with the rest of ’em.( prisses out )OSWALD: ( rubs his head ) Oh,

boy. ( Pete enters )PETE: Are they here yet?OSWALD: They’re here, allright.PETE: I picked up a few extrathings at the store. Where arethey?



OSWALD: Getting settled in.

The triplets are back to their flirting game. They actuallyexpect me to propose to one of them before they head back to

the hills.PETE: ( sings ) Here comes the

bride . . .OSWALD: Stop it.PETE: ( still singing ) Alldressed in burlap.OSWALD: That’s not funny.PETE: You brought it onyourself.OSWALD: How do you mean?



PETE: When they started all

that marriage talk when wevisited them in the hills, youshould have put a stop to it thenand there.

OSWALD: Easy for you tosay. They didn’t fall for you.PETE: I never understood that,since I am the better lookingone of the two of us.OSWALD: If you’re so good-looking, why do they want tomarry me?



PETE: Even if they did have a

thing for me, I would put themin their place right away.OSWALD: You would?PETE: Absolutely! I’m not a

softy like you. I lay down thelaw with women. I let themknow where they stand at thevery start.OSWALD: Maybe that’s whyyou haven’t had a girlfriend inover a year.PETE: I’ve been busy.



OSWALD: You wouldn’t let

the triplets get anywhere withyou, huh?PETE: No way! No how!OSWALD: Very interesting.

PETE: I’d better get thesegroceries to the kitchen.Remember, put those country

bumpkin girls in their place.(exits to kitchen )OSWALD: I’d rather put youin your place, dear brother.( snaps fingers and exits tokitchen )



MIMI: ( enters and takes off

coat ) Well, I still think you’re better off.PETUNIA: No doubt. That

boy is definitely not worth the

salt in your tears.MARCIA: ( dramatic ) I know Ishould feel that way, but I didlove him so.MIMI: You mean you loved hismoney.MARCIA: ( surprised by thetruth ) I can’t believe you would

be that insensitive, Mimi. After



all, I’ve just lost the love of my

life.MIMI: Besides, he wasn’t themost handsome guy in theworld.

MARCIA: Do looks reallymatter, dear Mimi, when love isinvolved?PETUNIA: The boy was ugly,dumb, and clumsy; why elsewould you be interested in himif it wasn’t because he wasloaded?MARCIA: You girls mustthink I’m pretty shallow. After



all, he was sweet, sensitive,

kind . . .PETUNIA: So you’re sayingthat if he were broke as a hobo,you would still love him?

MARCIA: Broke?MIMI: As a hobo.MARCIA: That’s pretty broke,isn’t it?MIMI: Would you?MARCIA: Of course . . . I . . .would.PETUNIA: Right, and I’ve theQueen of England.



MARCIA: I’ve just been

dumped by the riches guy in . . .I mean, the nicest guy in town,and all you girls can do is attack my motives. Some best friends

you turned out to be.MIMI: I’ll tell you what,Marcia dear. We’ll treat you toa nice sauna and facial over atthe spa. That will take your mind off your troubles.MARCIA: You girls would dothat for me?



MIMI: ( shouts ) Latrissa! I’ll

have Latrissa make theappointment.MARCIA: ( looks at the tree )Your family does go all out at

Christmas time. That’s the biggest tree yet.MIMI: Ginger Wells next door thought she was so smart withthat thirteen-foot pine. Waituntil she gets a load of our twenty-footer.MARCIA: ( points ) And whowould have thought to hang a



neon Baby Jesus right in the

middle of the window?!MIMI: Exactly! Don’t youthink it adds a religious flavor?MARCIA: Absolutely!

MIMI: We’re going to win thatChristmas display contest thisyear.MARCIA: Display contest?MIMI: The neighborhoodcontest. You know, the lights inthe yard that draw attention toyour lavish home and all that.PETUNIA: Ginger Wells, our next-door neighbor, has won it



for the last three years. Our

time to obtain the honor is wayoverdue. The winner gets her picture in the society pages of the paper.

MIMI: We started by havingDaddy hire workers to knock out the front wall and put in allglass so the cars can view theentire tree from the street.MARCIA: Oh my.PETUNIA: Next, we willarrange lights on the roof in theshape of a Christmas elf.



MIMI: Our theme this year is

“From Baby Jesus to SantaClaus.”PETUNIA: That way we cover all the bases. We’ll be sure to

win this year’s display contestand be honored with our picturein the society section.MIMI: Speaking of the Society,you have been saying nicethings about us, haven’t you?MARCIA: At every socialfunction and every officialmeeting. I don’t know that my



influence pulls any weight,

though.MIMI: You’re in the Society,aren’t you? That’s pull enough.PETUNIA: You have just got

to get us in that Society, Marcia.Everybody who is anybody

belongs.MARCIA: Well, Ms. Tishwater is the one to impress. Tonightcould be the magic night.MIMI: That’s right . . . tonight?MARCIA: Yes, at the dinner

party.PETUNIA: Dinner party.



MARCIA: For Ms. Tishwater.

Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.MIMI: Marcia, dear. Thedinner party for Ms. Tishwater is next weekend.

MARCIA: Mimi, I wouldn’tforget something as importantas dinner with Ms. Tishwater.It’s tonight.PETUNIA: Marcia, tell usyou’re kidding.MARCIA: I’m kidding.MIMI: Good.MARCIA: But I’m not. ( pause )Remember, I thought it would



be a good weekend to have it so

Ms. Tishwater could meet your wealthy relatives.PETUNIA: ( remembering )Our wealthy relatives? This

weekend?MIMI: You’re going to have toreschedule Ms. Tishwater’svisit.MARCIA: That’s impossible!She’s booked through April.What’s the big deal? The houseis clean and you can just haveLatrissa whip up a simpledinner.



PETUNIA: Our chance to

finally be accepted into theSociety, and we’re going to blow it!MIMI: ( to Petunia ) Maybe we

can contact our cousins and putthem off a week.PETUNIA: But they’re arrivingtoday. It may be too late!MARCIA: I thought you’dwant Ms. Tishwater to meetyour wealthy cousins toincrease your chances for acceptance into the Society.



MIMI: That’s just it, if she

meets our cousins, we’llnever . . .PETUNIA: Mimi, shhh!MARCIA: I’m confused.

LATRISSA: ( Entering ) Youcalled, ma’am?MIMI: Huh? Oh, Latrissa,would you please call the spaand make an appointment for acomplete makeover for our dear friend, please?LATRISSA: Right away,ma’am. ( Turns to leave but



stops ) By the way, your guests

have arrived.MIMI: Good, the guests havearrived. ( double take ) Theguests have arrived?!

LATRISSA: Yes, ma’am.(exits )MIMI: Marcia dear, don’t youthink you need to go home?You must be exhausted after

being dumped and everything.MARCIA: Mimi, you didn’ttell me you had company. ( pullsout a compact ) Look at mymakeup! I’ve been crying.



MIMI: It’s nobody really.

OSWALD: ( enters ) HeyMarcia.MIMI: ( She and Petunia pull Oswald to the side ) Oswald,

why didn’t you tell us thehillbillies were here?!OSWALD: I didn’t know youwere home.PETUNIA: We can’t letMarcia see that our family treeconsists of a bunch of uncivilized nuts.



MIMI: You get up those stairs

and keep them from coming inhere.OSWALD: Just ask Marcia toleave if you are ashamed of

your family.MIMI: We will – now go onand put them off. ( Oswald exits )MARCIA: ( puts up her makeup ) Didn’t you girls tellme your dear family membershad all those oil fields anddiamond mines?PETUNIA: Tha- that’s right.



MARCIA: I certainly can’t

wait to meet them. How is mymakeup?MIMI: Beautiful. And you willmeet them –

PETUNIA: But not right now.MARCIA: And why is that?PETUNIA: They’re taking anap after their long trip.MARCIA: Drats. And I didwant to meet them so. Whenwill I get to see them?MIMI: Tonight, of course.MARCIA: What fun. Let’ssee, what do I wear? Want to



make a good impression, you

know. ( Fester enters and standsin the doorway )PETUNIA: Fester!MIMI: ( grabs Marcia to block

Fester ) Marcia dear, do youthink the tree has too manywhite lights in one spot?( Petunia waves Fester away )MARCIA: I don't think I seewhat you're saying. (OSWALDenters and pulls FESTER off)MIMI: Right there! See? In thecenter of the tree.MARCIA: I still don't see –



PETUNIA: Too bad you have

to leave so soon, Marcia dear, but we know you have lots of getting ready to do.MARCIA: Well ... (LATRISSA

enters.)MIMI: We must start gettingthe house ready for the dinner

party tonight.LATRISSA: Dinner party?Tonight?PETUNIA: That's right,Latrissa. You know, to entertainthe Queen of High Society, Ms.Tishwater.



PETUNIA: (Turning to MIMI)

So, we'll see you tonight!MIMI: What time will Ms.Tishwater be here?MARCIA: Eight sharp.

Gracious, there's so much to do.My nails, my hair. You know,there for a moment I forgot allabout being dumped. Whoknows? I might find the love of my life tonight.MIMI: (Ushering MARCIAout) Don't count on it.MARCIA: What?PETUNIA: What she meant



was we'll count on seeing you

tonight.MARCIA: Bye now. (opens thedoor and turns to the GIRLS.)Can't wait to ... (MIMI slams

the door)MIMI: Let's put our plan towork.PETUNIA: What plan?MIMI: How should I know? Ihaven't come up with one yet,

but we must do some quick thinking.LATRISSA: A dinner partytonight. That doesn't give me



much time.

MIMI: Latrissa dear, you willhelp us out, won't you?LATRISSA: Let's see, we'llneed snacks, fruit punch,

sandwiches ...M1MI: You make up the menu.We have the most difficult task.PETUNIA: To make our hillbilly cousins presentable toMs. Tishwater.MlMI: Let's go to the kitchenand raid the refrigerator. Thatwill help us think. (They exit.)PETUNIA: (As they exit)



Thank you Latrissa.

LATRISSA: Oh dear, oh dear,oh dear ... (She prisses to thekitchen. OSWALD enters fromthe hall. TRIPLETS stand

looking lovingly at OSWALD)OSWALD: How did you likeyour bedroom suite?BRENDA MAE: It was Justfine ... honey.GLENDA MAE: He wasn'ttalkin’ to you.BRENDA MAE: Who elsewould he call sweet?LUCINDA MAE: Me, that's



who!OSWALD: Girls, girls. (Crosses the room) Youstay there. Girls, this isn't an easy decision for me to make. I mean, you're all young and(Swallows) beautiful and rich. How is a man tomake up his mind?

GLENDA MAE: I can cook.BRENDA MAE: I can sew.LUNCINDA MAE: I can hoe agarden.

BRENDA MAE: I can milk acow.OSWALD: You see, if I weresingle, this choice would be

almost impossible to make, butthe fact is - I belong to all girls.To settle down with just one



would mean disappointing all

the rest.GLENDAMAE: You poor thing. That must be an awfulfeeling.

OSWALD: It's horrible. I'm a prisoner of my own popularity.Girls won't leave me alone. Ohyes, my beauty is a curse!BRENDA MAE: My heart is

breaking!LUCINDA MAE: All this timeI thought we were meant to betogether.BRENDA MAE: My heart is



breaking into a million tiny

pieces! (They cry on eachother's shoulders.)OSWALD: Girls, girls. I feelreally badly about this. If only

you could find someone whoisn't cursed as I, your heartswould mend once again.BRENDA MAE: My heart willnever mend.GLENDA MAE: It's broke

beyond repair.OSWALD: Someone - I don'tknow, like my brother, Pete, for example.



LUCINDA MAE: (Stops crying

abruptly) Cousin Pete?GLENDA MAE: Cousin Peteain't cursed?OSWALD: No, and he's really

lonely.BRENDA MAE: Lonely?GLENDA MAE: Poor CousinPete.OSWALD: He really adores thekind of girls who can cook, sew,hoe a garden and milk a cow.LUCINDA MAE: He does?OSWALD: Poor guy, Just can'tseem to find someone who can



do all that. He'll probably be

lonely the rest of his life. (PETEenters eating a banana andreading a magazine.)PETE: What?!

(Lights out)

SCENE 2

(Lights ON)(CITY and COUNTRYCOUSINS are on-stage.LATRISSA is dusting,ALFRED is polishing silver,FESTER is looking out thefront window)



OSWALD: ... And what is

Christmas without dear familymembers to share it with? Andyou are our family.ELKIN: Kith and kin sitting

together at Christmas time.PETUNIA: And that's exactlywhy we want to throw a littleChristmas party in your favor.DONNA JO: A Christmas

party?BETTY SUE: For us?BRENDA MAE: Is thatanything like a barn dance?OSWALD: Well, sure, except



without the barn.

ELKIN: We're gonna haveourself a Christmas hoedown!DONNA JO: And we can dressup in our Nativity clothes.

BRENDA MAE: Fester, whydo you keep looking outside?FESTER: No reason.GLENDAMAE: I’ll save all mysquare dances for you, CousinPete.PETE: Huh?LUCINDA MAE: We don’twant you to be lonely no more.PETE: Lonely? (MIMI rushes



in from outside)

MIMI: I can't believe it! I justcannot believe it!PETUNIA: Mimi, what'swrong?

MIMI: It's that Ginger Wellsnext door. She's trying toupstage our Christmas yarddisplay!OSWALD: How?MIMI: She has placed eight realreindeer out there! Anglers andeverything!PETUNIA: That conniving littlesneak.



MIMI: Apparently she has

gotten wind of what we'retrying to do. She won't stopuntil she wins that prize!PETUNIA: Then we won’t stop

either! It's a fight to the finish!MIMI: But how do you outdoeight tiny reindeer?PETUNIA: That's a tough one.GLENDA MAE: Fester, get onover here and sit down.OSWALD: Fester, are youlooking for something?FESTER: Sorta.ELKIN: Tell Cousin Oswald.



FESTER: Well ... (Whispers to

OSWALD.)OSWALD: Oh, there's one inyour bedroom.GLENDA MAE: One of what?

FESTER: Nothin'!DONNA JO: Fester's lookingfor the outhouse.FESTER: Donna Jo!MIMI: Fester dear, you're not inCricket County. We have sixrestrooms indoors.FESTER: I wasn't lookin' for nothin'. I was just playin' withmy ax. (Pause) Excuse me.



(Hands ELKIN his ax and runs

out)MIMI: (To PETUNIA) Petunia,have you explained how therehearsal will go?

OSWALD: Rehearsal?GLENDA MAE: (To PETE)Here, let me feed you a grape.BRENDA MAE: Let me feedyou a banana.LUCINDA MAE: How ‘boutan apple!MIMI: Country Cousins, giveme your attention. Now that youare in the city, there are a few



things you need to learn. Things

are different here than they arein the countryELKIN: You mean like havingouthouses indoors?

GLENDA MAE: I guess theycall theirs “inhouses”. Here!(Feeds PETE a grape)PETUNIA: We're talking moreabout social situations.MIMI: Right. In the countryyou say “y’all,” in the city yousay “everyone”. In the countryyou say, “Fetch me some of thatthere water.” In the city, you



say, “Bring the car around,” and

“How much for the pearls in thewindow?”PETUNIA: We feel it's our responsibility to help you

understand a few social graces.LUCINDA MAE: Like a nicedip of snuff. Here. (tries to feedPETE more banana, but hestops her)MIMI: Yes. I mean, no! Thingslike how to greet a stranger.How to drink afternoon tea withyour pinky held out, and how toenter a room properly.



(FESTER enters and falls)

FESTER: It's just me.PETUNIA: Take Fester'sentrance just now. Did you seehow clumsily he barged in?

Fester, that was repulsive.FESTER: Thanks.ELKIN: That's how Fester always comes into a room.MIMI: It must not continue.Fester, pay attention. Watchhow I enter the room. (She exitsand re-enters) You enter withease, you stand for a moment,you see someone across the



room, throw your hand up in a

wave, smile, and say ... Hello.Hello. Nice to see you. (ToFESTER) Now you try.FESTER: (Loudly) Howdy!

MIMI: (Places her hand to her chest) Oh, dear.PETUNIA: Fester, go out andcome in just as Mimi did.FESTER: Okey-doke. (Heexits)MIMI: (Shouting off-stage)

Now, hold up your head.Throw back your shoulders.That's it. You're ready to enter



the room. (FESTER enters.)

How does that feel, Fester?FESTER: I feel like an oak tree.MIMI: Stop right there. Nowyou see someone across the

room.FESTER: All I can see is theceiling.MIMI: (Pushes his head) Throwyour hand up in a wave. (Hewaves very enthusiastically)Smile. (Big smile) Now,respond.FESTER: Howdy, Betty Sue!(Betty Sue waves.)



MIMI: Make conversation.

FESTER: I just saw thefanciest outhouse in the wholeworld. (COUNTRY COUSINSclap.)

ELKIN: That was good, CousinFester. You did that just fine.FESTER: (Clapping) I wasgood.MIMI: We'll come back to you.Glenda Mae, you're next.(Approaching her) Oh, my.

Now look how you're sitting.Sit up straight and cross your legs. No! Like a lady. Like this.



(MIMI demonstrates.) Sit up

straight. (Her legs comeuncrossed) Cross your legs!(She slumps.) Petunia, get her legs. (PETUNIA holds her legs

as MIMI holds her up) Now, situp. Petunia, let go. (It works!)There.GLENDA MAE: Look everybody, I'm a lady.FESTER: Look everybody, I'mentering the room. Howdy,Donna Jo! (COUNTRYCOUSINS clap.)MIMI: Everybody quiet! We



have one hour to teach you to

act civilized, so I need you toconcentrate!OSWALD: Mimi, calm down.PETE: Here, let me try.

(Stands.) The way we speak isvery important. Elkin, how isyour grammar?ELKIN: She broke her hip lastyear, but she's gettin' around

pretty good.PETE: Not grandma, grammar.Repeat after me: It doesn't look as though it will rain.ELKIN: It don't look like it's



gonna ...

PETE: No, not “don’t,” never say 'don't''; say “doesn’t.” Itdoesn't.”ELKIN: It-doesn’t-look-like-

it's-gonna ...PETE: “Going to,” not “gonna.''ELKIN: It-doesn’t-look-like-it’s-going-to-rain.PETE: Good. (COUNTRYCOUSINS clap.)FESTER: That was real good,Cousin Elkin.PETE: Brenda Mae, you'renext. Say: “Pass the salted nuts,



please.”

BRENDA MAE: (Clears her throat) Pass that there salt ...PETE: Not “that there,” say“the.” Pass the salted nuts.

BRENDA MAE: Got it. (Clearsher throat.) Pass the salt, younut. (Smiles.) Please.MIMI: Good grief. This isn'tgoing to work.PETUNIA: Not by tonight.We're in big trouble.PETE: Everyone repeat after me: “I’ll have to think aboutthat.”



COUNTRY COUSINS:

(Together) I'm have to think about that.PETE: If anyone says anythingyou don't understand tonight at

the party, just say, “I’ll have tothink about that.” (ToOSWALD) That ought to keepthem out of trouble.COUNTRY COUSINS:(Together) I’ll have to think about that.GLENDA MAE: This is fun.LUCINDA MAE: You ain't justwhistling Dixie.''



PETE: Remember, don't say

“ain't.''LUCINDA MAE: Sorry(Properly) You isn’t justwhistling Dixie.

MlMI: Goodness gracious. Let'sfocus on their appearance.PETUNIA: Good idea. GlendaMae, do you have mascara?GLENDA MAE: When I waslittle, but Mama took me to thedoctor.BRENDA MAE: She nearlydied from it.MIMI: That's right, they’ll need



makeup.

OSWALD: What about clothes?PETE: We can scroungesomething from our closets.PETUNIA: Well, whatever we

do, we've got to do it quickly.MIMI: Latrissa, show them

back to their rooms, please.LATRISSA: Of course. Walk this way (She exits. COUNTRYCOUSINS follow her.)OSWALD: It's not going towork. You're just asking for trouble.PETE: We've gone too far to



back out now.

MIMI: Our future at theSociety depends on it.PETUNIA: We must keep

positive thoughts.

FESTER (Enters and falls) Iforgot my ax. (Exits.)PETE: What were you sayingabout positive thoughts,Petunia?PETUNIA: (Pauses.) Never mind.

(Lights out)

SCENE 3(LATRISSA enters with



cookies.)

LATRISSA: Silver bells, silver bells. It's Christmas time in thecity ... (MIMI enters)MIMI: Latrissa, is the food

ready?LATRISSA: Yes ma'am,everything should be set.MIMI: I wouldn't say thatexactly. How do I look?LATRISSA: Beautiful.MIMI: I do, don’t I? (Shouting)Petunia! (Looks out thewindow) I cannot believe it!ALFRED: What's the matter,



are we ready?

MIMI: Everything's set downhere.LATRISSA: I'll finish the

punch.

ALFRED: I’ll set the table.(both exit)PETUNIA: Did you help thegirls with their makeup?MIMI: I thought you did.PETUNIA: I gave them mymakeup - you said you were ...OSWALD: (Enters) Is she hereyet?PETUNIA: No. Are the boys



ready?

OSWALD: I think so; Pete'shelping them with their ties.MIMI: I'm a nervous wreck.OSWALD: Calm down. If

Elkin and the clan sense you'reuptight, they'll get all flustered.PETUNIA: At least we have a

beautiful Christmas tree to look at.OSWALD: (To MIMI) Sitdown and breathe. Breathe in.Breathe out. Feel better?MIMI: Yes. (Doorbell) No!(She jumps up.)



PETUNIA: There she is!

OSWALD: Sit down. Alfredwill get it. Look natural. (Theyfake smiles.) Oh, brother.ALFRED: (Enters and opens

the door) Good evening, won’tyou come in?MARCIA: Thank you Alfred.Everyone, I'd like you to meetMs. Tishwater. Ms. Tishwater,this is Oswald, Mimi andPetunia.OSWALD: It's nice to meetyou.MS. TISHWATER: Of course.



OSWALD: (Shouting) Latrissa.

(To Ms. Tishwater.) May I haveyour coat?MIMI: Good evening, Ms.Tishwater. It's such a pleasure

to have you in our home.MS. TISHWATER: It would

be, yes. (LATRISSA enters.)OSWALD: Latrissa, if youcould please take their coats.MS. TISHWATER: Handlemine with care, dear. That fur isthe real thing.LATRISSA: Yes, ma’am.(Prisses out.)



to see a real tree, come over to

my home.OSWALD: Won't you ladieshave a seat?MS. TISHWATER: (Sitting) I

understand we're meeting someof your family this evening.PETUNIA: About that ...MARCIA: (Interrupting) Ohyes, Ms. Tishwater. They owntheir own oil fields anddiamond, gold and coal mines.MS. TISHWATER: Howdelightful. Where are they? Iwould like to meet such fine



people.

MIMI: Upstairs.You know howthe wealthy enjoy making anentrance.MS. TISHWATER: I do enjoy

the company of opulent persons. (To MIMI) Iunderstand you're looking to

join our Society.MIMI: We would be honored,Ms. Tishwater.PETUNIA: It would make our Christmas the merriest ever.MS. TISHWATER: Onerequirement is to have your



name listed in the society pages

of the paper, and I can't saythat I have seen yours.OSWALD: You will soon. We

plan to win the Christmas yard

display contest this year.MS. TISHWATER: Oh, wasthat your live reindeer outside?Quite lovely.MIMI: No ma'am, that's nextdoor. Our plan is even better than that one.MS. TISHWATER: Really? dotell me what it is.MIMI: Well ...



PETE: (Entering) Good

evening, everyone.MARCIA: (Standing) Pete, I'dlike for you to meet Ms.Tishwater. Ms. Tishwater, this

is Pete Tippinhimer.PETE: Ms. Tishwater, my

pleasure.MS. TISHWATER: I'm sure itis.MIMI: Pete, are our dear familymembers ready to come downand meet our guests?PETE: Well ...MS. TISHWATER: Shame on



all of you for keeping me in

such suspense. Shame, shame,shame.FESTER: (Off-stage) CousinPete?

PETE: That's Cousin Fester.PETUNIA: (Nervous) That'sCousin Fester.MIMI: (Nervous) That's CousinFester.OSWALD: Come on in, CousinFester! (FESTER enters.)FESTER: Where is everybody?PETUNIA (Taking his arm)Here we are, right this way.



That's right. Everyone, I'd like

you to meet our Cousin Fester.FESTER: Howdy, Donna Jo!(PETUNIA pushes his headdown.)

MARCIA: Mimi, you didn't tellme Fester was so cute.MIMI: Huh?MARCIA: Cute and rich. Whata combination!MIMI: Marcia, I don't think ...MARCIA: Well, hello, Fester.I'm Marcia. It's very nice tomeet you.OSWALD: (Pulling FESTER)



Fester, I'd like you to meet Ms.

Tishwater. Fester, wouldn't youlike to shake Ms. Tishwater'shand?FESTER: I'm stuck.

MS. TISHWATER: Have a seat beside me, Fester. Let's getacquainted. Good heavens, hedoesn't have on any shoes.PETE: That's because minewouldn't fit.OSWALD: Pete! What Petemeans is Fester stepped in amud puddle out back, and we'regetting his shoes cleaned.



MS. TISHWATER: I see. Well

now, young man, I understandyou're quite opulent.OSWALD: Fester, Ms.Tishwater is talking to you.

Fester: Huh?MS. TISHWATER: I said, Iunderstand you're quite opulent.FESTER: (Stares) I’ll have tothink about that.MARCIA: (Giggles softly)Fester, you are so witty.FESTER: Sorry.MARCIA: (Laughs.) There yougo again. Mimi, why have you



been keeping this one a secret?

MS. TISHWATER: We're bound to get along swimminglysince we both cherish the moresuitable things in life, such as

wealth and prestige.FESTER: (Pause) I’ll have tothink about that. (MARCIAlaughs.) That makes you happywhen I say that, don't it, fancycity lady?MS. TISHWATER There issomething fishy going on here.MARCIA: Oh, yes it does,Fester. How did you come to be



jocular?

FESTER: It's that chili I had for lunch. (MARCIA laughs. ToOSWALD) She's a happy one,Cousin Oswald. I’ll have to

think about that. (They laugh)OSWALD: Fester, have acookie. (Pushes one inFESTER'S mouth.)(ELKIN enters with an ax.)ELKIN: Here, Fester. Youforgot your ax. (Tries to give itto FESTER)MS. TISHWATER: Goodheavens, he's going to kill me!



PETE: (Takes the ax) Elkin,

give that to me. Fester, I’ll set itright over here out of the way.Is that OK?FESTER: I’ll have to think

about that. (They laugh.)PETUNIA: Elkin, where is your shirt?ELKIN: I ripped it trying to putit on.MS. Tishwater: (To ELKIN)Good gracious, you are aslouch, a laggard, a shirker!ELKIN: No ma'am, I'm aJennings.



ELKIN: Yes ma'am, you make

me think of Eloise back home.MS. TISHWATER: Is Eloiseyou fiancée?ELKIN: No ma'am, she's my

prize pig.PETE: Elkin!ELKIN: Prettiest porker inCricket County.MS. TISHWATER: Well, Inever! Would you be kindenough to show me your ladiesroom?FESTER: You don't have to gooutside; they have one upstairs.



PETUNIA: Of course, right

this way. (They exit asLATRISSA enters.)MIMI: Latrissa, play somemusic and lighten the mood.

Oswald, go see what's takingthe twins so long. (She exits)Oswald: Come on, Pete. (Theyexit. LATRISSA starts themusic, then exits)FESTER: (Listening carefully)Do you hear that?MARCIA: I hear my heart

beating to the rhythm of your masculinity.



FESTER I hear music. You

know what that means, fancycity lady?MARCIA: What does it mean?FESTER: That means you and

me are in love.MARCIA: It does?FESTER: Yeah, 'cause we hear music.MARCIA: Do you hear themusic of love, Fester?FESTER: Yes ma'am, I think Ido. That can mean only onething. (He stands and pulls her up.) we're goin' to get hitched.



MARCIA: Fester, you are so

strong!FESTER: cause I cut downtrees with my ax.MIMI: (Entering) Fester, stop

that right now! I’ll teach you toflirt with my best friend!MARCIA: That won't benecessary, Mimi, he alreadyknows how.MIMI: Marcia, would you

please get your mind on thematter at hand?!MARCIA: I'm sorry Mimi, it's

just that Fester and I heard



beautiful music playing.

MIMI: You heard the stereo.(Turns it off) Fester, sit down!Marcia, there's something youneed to know; Fester is a

hillbilly. An uneducated country bumpkin from the sticks. Youneed to know that before youget too carried away.FESTER: (Standing and tryingto pick up MARCIA) Carriedaway? Where do you want togo?MIMI: Fester, I said sit! (Heobeys.)



MARCIA: A ... hillbilly?

MIMI: A cow-milking, garden- plowing, outhouse-usinghillbilly!MARCIA: Mimi, why didn't

you tell me?MIMI: Well, now you know.MARCIA: A real country man.How exciting!MIMI: What?MARCIA: Don't you see? He'sdifferent from the soft city boysaround here. Fester's a true man.(FESTER stands and flexes hismuscles.) And he has such a



sense of humor.

FESTER: (Still flexing) I’llhave to think about that. (Theylaugh as MS. TISHWATER andPETUNIA enter.)

MIMI: Ms. Tishwater, could Iget you something to eat?MS. TISHWATER: I'm toodistraught to eat, silly girl.FESTER: Howdy, Ms.Dishwater. Wanna feel mymuscles?MS. TISHWATER: Well, Inever!FESTER: I know, that's why I



was asking. (PETE and

OSWALD run in.)OSWALD: Mimi, dear, uh ...the girls are ready.PETE: You might want to brace

yourselves for this. (yelling off-stage) Come on in, girls! (TheTRIPLETS, DONNA JO, andBETTY SUE enter.)BRENDA MAE: Look everybody, we're ladies!GLENDA MAE: Listen to ustalk fancy. Lucinda Mae, how'syour grammar?LUCINDA MAE: She's fine.



(MIMI sits and covers her face.)

PETUNIA: Oh dear!GLENDA MAE: (Waving)Howdy Elkin, howdy Fester,howdy Ms. Dishwater!

BRENDA MAE: Let's have a barn dance!BETTY SUE: I play the banjo!DONNA JO: Does anybodyhave a fiddle?ELKIN: I isn't sure.FESTER: I'll have to think about that.MS. TISHWATER: (Standingand yelling) That is quite



enough! I don't know what kind

of charade you think you're pulling here, but I am certainlyinsulted that you would think you could fool me into thinking

these social rejects are real people.OSWALD: Now, Just a minute,Ms. Tishwater.MS. TISHWATER: I'm notfinished! You certainly don’texpect to be invited to join theSociety as long as you areassociating with these dregs, doyou? If you are seriously



concerning membership, then

your first step is to ask theseimbeciles to please leave the premises. My heart can scarcelytake another moment of this

farce! (She sits and pats her hair)PETE: Who do you think you ...MIMI: Pete! She's right; beforewe continue with the evening,someone is gong to have toleave. (Walks to the door.)OSWALD: Mimi, you can't ...MIMI: (Putting up a hand) Iknow what I'm doing. It's the



best thing for the Society.

MS. TISHWATER: I'm gladyou have come to your senses.MIMI: Cousin Elkin, CousinFester, Brenda Mae, Glenda

Mae, Lucinda Mae, Donna Jo,and Betty Sue, I’m afraid I'mgoing to have to ask you to ...stay (Opens the front door.)Good-bye, Ms. Tishwater.MS. TISHWATER: That's morelike it ... (Pause) I beg your

pardon? You can't be asking me...(LATRISSA enters with her



coat.) I've never been asked to

leave a dinner party.PETE: When you learn how to behave in public, maybe we'llinvite you back.

MS. TISHWATER: You'll besorry. (Grabs her coat) you'll all

be sorry. I’ll blackball the lot of you from all social functions intown.MARCIA: But Ms. Tishwater,what about the Society?MS. TISHWATER: Don't makeme laugh. The only way tooverride my decision is to have



your names listed in the society

pages by Christmas Eve, andthat clearly isn't going tohappen. So I'm afraid you'veshot yourself in the foot, my

fine ladies. No one messes withClara Tishwater. (Looks at thetree) And that is the ugliest treeI have ever seen!ELKIN: Don't leave mad, Ms.Dishwater. The square dancin'ain't started yet.MS. TISHWATER: Well, Inever! (Exits.)ELKIN: (Shouting) That's OK, I



can teach you!

MIMI: So much for the Society.PETUNIA: If that's the way thegame is played, I think I'd rather sit on the bench.

ELKIN: Why did Ms.Dishwater leave so mad, CousinOswald?OSWALD: Because she doesn'tknow real class when she seesit.GLENDA MAE: Maybe she'sthe jealous type ...BRENDA MAE: And she left

because we was prettier than



her.

PETUNIA: That's probably it.OSWALD: I'm sorry about theSociety, Mimi.MIMI: My lifelong dream

crashed before my very eyes!PETUNIA: Who needs them?ELKIN: I have an idea. (Exits)LATRISSA: Will we still beeating, ma'am?ALFRED: Dinner is gettingcold.PETE: Go ahead, Latrissa andAlfred. We'll be there in aminute. (They exit.)



MARCIA: Maybe I can come

out to Cricket County and payyou a visit sometime.FESTER: Pay me a visit? Thatwould be real good. I’ll drive

my tractor around and you canwatch me.MARCIA: That sounds dreamy,you big handsome country manyou.FESTER: You want to feel mymuscles some more?ELKIN: (Entering with

pillowcase) Here, everybody.OSWALD: What is that, Elkin?



ELKIN: It's out Nativity

costumes, Cousin Oswald.PETE: Nativity costumes?BRENDA MAE: Sure enough.We dress up in our Nativity

costumes near ‘bout everyChristmas.GLENDA MAE: To remind usof the real reason we celebratethe season.DONNA JO: I always play theangel.BETTY SUE: And I play thestar.ELKIN: (Handing each



costume) Here everybody, put

these on.DONNA JO: Give me the angelone!ELKIN: (Putting the costume

on) You know, that's what's sospecial about the real Christmasstory. God wasn't out to impressanybody in the way he sent hisSon into the world.OSWALD: He wasn't?BRENDA MAE: (Dressing)

Nope, cause if that were true,Jesus would've come to earth asa great king and lived in a big



fancy castle with all kinds of

servants and things.GLENDA MAE: But he didn’t.He came in a very simple way,and there he was in that dirty

old manger, surrounded by allthem stinky animals.(DONNA JO and BETTY SUEare wrapping their doll in a

blanket)LUCINDA MAE: The first

people to see Baby Jesus besides his folks was the poor simple shepherds who waskeeping their flocks by night.



FESTER: That's what I always

play; a shepherd.ELKIN: (Dressed) I think that'swhat made this Christmas sospecial. To see all of our dear

cousins who live in a great cityand a big fancy house and all.Yet you're still just simple

people. Not pretended to besomethin’ you're not. Not tryin’to impress anybody. You'refollowing the example of thelittle Christ child who laid inthat dirty feedin' trough twothousand years ago.



FESTER: 'Cause even though

we ain't from around these parts, you still invited us to your dandy Christmas party withyour fancy city friends. Shucks,

I hope I can be as simple as yousome day.PETE: Simple? As us?PETUNIA: Elkin, I think it'swe who owe all of you a bigthank you. No matter how theworld treats you it seems you'realways willing to be soforgiving. So trusting. We're theones who needed to be



awakened to what Christmas is

all about.ELKIN: OK, come oneverybody! We'll go wave to allthe cars that drive by on the

street. (They exit)FESTER: (To MARICA) Comeon, city lady. You can go withus. (Pulls her out the door.)GLENDA MAE: I'm Mary thisyear. Cousin Pete, maybe youcan play Joseph.PETE: Maybe next time. (AllCOUNTRY COUSINS exit.)MIMI: (Sighs) I guess I’ll go



drown my sorrows in a hot

bubble bath.PETUNIA: Not being in theSociety isn't the end of theworld.

MIMI: It's pretty close.OSWALD: Latrissa and Alfredhave gone to a lot of trouble.We might as well eatsomething.PETE: I'm with you, brother.

Now, about this suddenattraction the twins have towardme ... (They exit, pause, then re-enter).



MIMI: Did they just put on

towels?PETUNIA: And bathrobes?PETE: To stand in the frontyard?

OSWALD: And wave at passing cars?MIMI: We must stop them!(They run to the door.)OSWALD: Wait! We can'tmake them stop. They act outthe story of Jesus' birth everyyear. It means so much to them.MIMI: But the wholeneighborhood will see them.



PETUNIA: we've experienced

enough humiliation for one day.Come on, Mimi.PETE: Wait! Oswald's right. Itwould hurt their feelings.

MARCIA: (Enters) Mimi, grabyour camera. They're so cute.They're all dressed up, andthey're stopping traffic.PETUNIA: Stopping ...PETE: Traffic?MIMI: I think I'm going tofaint. Catch me, Petunia.PETUNIA: OK (PETUNIAfaints)



(Lights out)

Scene 4(OSWALD is on the sofa,PETE enters, MIMI enters)MIMI: Are the hillbillies up

yet?PETE: Don't think so. Theywere up pretty late waving tocars.MIMI: So it really happened. Iwas hoping it was all just a baddream.PETE: It was real, all right.That's why I’ll never step footoutside this house again.



MARCIA: Is Fester up yet? He

promised me we would go for awalk this morning.MIMI: I think I'm going to besick.

MARCIA: By the way, did yousee this morning's society page?MIMI: I never want to hear theword society again.MARCIA: I think you'll beinterested. Your countrycousins' picture is on the front

page.MIMI: That's nice. (Grabs the

paper) What? (Looks at it)



PETUNIA: We're going to be

the laughingstock of thewhole ...MIMI: We won!PETE: Huh?

PETUNIA: Won what?MIMI: I can't believe it! Wewon!PETE: Let me see that.(Reading) Congratulations goesout to the Tippinhimer household for winning first

place in this year's Christmasyard display contest.PETUNIA: First place? (Grabs



the paper.) Their realistic

portrayal of the first Christmas brought back memories of thequieter, more peaceful meaningof the Christmas season.

OSWALD: (Grabs the paper)Let me see! (Reads.) A uniquetwist from the ordinary

portrayal of Santa Claus andgift-getting, this display wasone of the best and most uniquewe've seen in years. Anundisturbed, old-fashioned look at the true meaning of Christmas.



MIMI: Old-fashioned.

PETE: They thought Elkin andthe bunch were the yard display.PETUNIA: We won! (HugsMIMI. FESTER enters)

MARCIA: Fester, I'm ready for our walk.FESTER: I'll take my ax incase we run into a wild grizzly

bear.MARCIA: (Giggling) Grizzly

bear. You are priceless. Saysomething funny.FESTER: I'll have to think about that. (They laugh as they



exit)

OSWALD: Well, Mimi, lookslike you girls will be gettinginto the Society after all.MIMI: (Looking at the paper)

Who cares about the Society?We won and Ginger Wellsdidn't! (Kisses the paper)PETE: (Sarcastically) That's theChristmas spirit.(TRIPLETS yell from off-stage)GLENDA MAE: Oh, Peeeete.LUCINDA MAE: Where areyoooou?BRENDA MAE: Here we



coooome.

PETE: I've got to get out of here. (Puts his mug down andruns.) Don't tell them where Iam.

OSWALD: I thought you saidyou knew how to handlefemales.PETE: Females, yes. BrendaMae, Glenda Mae, and LucindaMae are a different story. Iwon't forget this, dear brother.(He runs out the door.)OSWALD: (Laughing, picks upPETE'S mug, giving a toast)



Merry Christmas, dear family.

MIMI and PETUNIA: MerryChristmas.FESTER: (Sticking his headinside the door) Hey Cousin

Oswald, I think she likes me.Watch this. (Loudly) I’ll have tothink about that. (Giggling off-stage. FESTER disappears.TRIPLETS enter with DONNAJO and BETTY SUE behindthem.)GLENDA MAE: Peeeete ...BRENDA MAE: Where areyoooou?



LUCINDA MAE: Come back

here! (They rush out the door.)OSWALD: (Pauses) MerryChristmas?MIMI and PETUNIA: Merry

Christmas?LIGHTS OUT

a cricket county city christmas

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