a comfortable conversation - the cradle 2015.pdf · learn how to decipher adoption-related issues...
TRANSCRIPT
Race & Adoption a comfortable conversation
Judy Stigger, LCSW [email protected]
Becky Carter, LCPC [email protected]
Speakers:
Judy Stigger, LCSW Becky Carter, LCPC
Carter Family Becky Carter, LCPC
“I think my mother and father never saw us as different from themselves or others in our community. I think they thought if they loved us enough, other people wouldn’t see the difference either.”
White Privilege
Once They Hear My Name Lee, Lammert, Hess
A.J. (Amy Jo) Thomassen social worker in St. Louis, MO
Alex Haley
“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning; no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness.”
Alex Haley, “Roots”
What we know about race & identity
Ages & stages
Challenges & advice Birth family Who’s in my tribe Multiracial families Evening news
Resources
Agenda
Black/African American
White/Caucasian
Hispanic/Latino
Asian
Other
Adopted
What We Know About Race
What We Know About Race
White / European Asian Hispanic / Latino Other? Black / African American
Adopted
Informational/Educational
Privacy Guarding
Humorous
Goal: to EQUIP and PROTECT
Responses
Kid useable responses Aiming the spotlight
If a child is asking:
Is your answer kid-friendly?
Other Considerations
Overt Prejudice Random Vicarious
Absent/Irrelevant Curiosity of others Care
How We Learn
Lasts a Lifetime
Greatest sources of discrimination for whites were around adoption (not race) Extended Family (40%) Childhood Friends (28%) Childhood friend’s parents (24%)
Greatest sources of discrimination for kids of color were around race/ethnicity Stranger (80%) Classmates (75%) Childhood Friends (48%)
Sources of Discrimination
Importance of Adoptive Identity at Different Life Stages
Importance of Racial/Ethnic Identity at Different Life Stages
0
10
20
30
40
50
60
70
80
Not at all or Not very Much A little up to Very Much
As a Child
As an Adult
Community Characteristics (Diversity)
Level of community diversity experienced by TR adoptees as children, and where they chose to live as adults
0 20 40 60 80
RaceAdoption
Extremely or Very Comfortable Somewhat Comfortable Somewhat Uncomfortable Extremely or Very Uncomfortable
Comfort with Identity
3 – 6 years old
Issues: • How things work • Belonging • Same & Different
Facts: • What does my mom look like? • Why didn’t she keep me?
Feelings: • Curiosity: Want to know about self • Pain: Want to be like parents
School Projects / Triggers
• Draw yourself
• Draw your family
• Bring a baby picture
• Stories about new siblings
How Diverse is Child’s School?
Student body Teachers Holidays & Celebrations Images on walls & in books Presentation of subject matter
Carmen: People Like Me
Proactive conversation vs Blindside
Coherent Narrative Young Child
Questions
• What does my birth mom look like? • Why didn’t she keep me? • (Why didn’t she stop using drugs so she could keep me?) • Why did you adopt me? • Where’s my birth dad? • Are my (siblings) okay? Do you know where they are? • Am I going to grow up like my birth parents or my
foster/adoptive parents? • Why didn’t you send money so she could keep me?
7 – 10 years old Issues:
• Envision others beyond self • Play by rules
Facts: • Why didn’t she keep me? • What about my birth dad? • With what race do parents associate, & associate me?
Feelings: • Value Development: Adoptive vs. Birth Parents • Anger: I was not valued by BP
School Projects Triggers
National History Family Tree How family came to America Ethnic festival Drug awareness education Emerging learning issues
FAIR Families Fairfamilies.org
No one who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship
Nobody who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship
Guilt versus Shame
Guilt- we feel guilt for something we did or
imagined we did. (Doing)
Shame- we feel
shameful for who we are.
(Being)
29 Becky Carter, LCPC
11 – 14 years old
Issues: • Ethics • Nature vs. Nurture • Race/ethnicity as identity
Facts: • Was she correct to place me? • How am I like my B parent vs. my A parent
Feelings: • Observe & Compare: Who am I like? • Fear: What will I become? What groups will I fit in with?
School Projects / Triggers
• Family Tree • Career Day • Sex Education • Biology • World History • Accommodations
Whose my Tribe?
Racial identity Adoption identity Gender identity
Common interests Common abilities Shared resources Shared values
Identity: “Real Family”
Biological
Emotional Legal
Birthfamily: first person ethnicity
Society’s Labels vs Self-Identity
Black is Beautiful
White is Wonderful
I am Both
Multiracial Identity for everyone
Multiracial for Generations to Come
Real people – mentors for you and child In your community At work, worship, or recreation
Culture camps & adoption camps Ethnic houses of worship / service clubs Books, videos, art, music, food, magazines Affinity groups on-line Service projects involving child & child’s origins Chicago Area Families for Adoption (CAFFA)
Creating Connections thru Race
AdoptionLearningPartners.org
Of Interest: Conspicuous Families Adopted: the Identity Project Webinars: (recorded) What kids hope their parents know School challenges
Upcoming Webinar : Identity & Adoption May 7, 2015 Adopted persons share experience
Multiracial Identity for everyone
Meet the New DCFS Training Requirements! Treating and styling a child’s hair properly boosts not only a parent’s self esteem, but also a child’s. Learn basic techniques and styles from an expert stylist. How-to videos are easy to follow and offer great advice for all hair types. Skin care tips are also included.
www.AdoptionLearningPartners.org
Am I comfortable being conspicuous? Do I self-identify as white or multiracial? Who does my child see me with? Do I move outside my comfort zone to pursue relationships with new people? Do I feel excited or daunted about embracing another culture? If my child is a “lonely only,” am I willing to move?
Becoming a Multicultural / Racial Family
Spring 2015 Parenting Workshops Register Now at www.cradle.org
Tired of Timeouts? Speaker: Dafna Lender, MSW Learn to integrate playful reciprocal interactions to enhance your child’s self-esteem and sense of well-being, and therefore decrease negative behavior. Theraplay Institute (1840 Oak Ave, Evanston, IL) Saturday, April 18th, 2015 10:00am – 11:30am
Is it an Adoption Thing? Speaker: Liesl Einerson, LCSW Learn how to decipher adoption-related issues from typical “kid stuff.” Discuss effective parenting tools to address challenging adoption related behaviors. The Cradle (2049 Ridge Ave, Evanston, IL) Saturday, May 2nd, 2015 10:00am – 11:30am
Questions and Answers